I High-Key Fantasize About…

It's really fun. You know, Brody, what I found is couples, when they actually get past all the shame and the weirdness and like, oh, I don't know what to say, then they're like, oh yeah, when are we going to talk about our sex life again? Like, it becomes their new hobby, their new passion, their new interest that they share together. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Question for you. Ever stumbled across a surprise fantasy? Something you didn't realize turned you on, but here you are. It's super hot and now you can't stop thinking about it. Our sexual fantasies are here to help us understand ourselves better. So on today's show, I take your calls on sexual fantasies, what they mean, and how to turn them into a reality. First, she masturbates in the bathroom when she knows her neighbors are home within earshot. Next, he loves nipple play on his body and watching his wife do it to herself. They're dabbling in prostate play, so I provide step-by-step instructions for finger stimulation. She's afraid of rejection but also fantasizes about it. How can she indulge this fantasy in a healthy way? All this and more on today's revealing episode. Intentions with Emily Morse. For each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show, and I encourage you all to do the same. My intention is to let you listen in on other people's fantasies so you'll feel that much more comfortable exploring yours. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. We so appreciate it and it really helps us. My new gift guide, Gifts for Every Turn-On Valentine's Day Guide 2023, is up at sexwithemily.com. You're gonna love this gift guide. We really break it down for you and we give you great ideas along with great dates for Valentine's Day. So please check out our new gift guide. Also check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all @sexwithemily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, do it! Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com/askemily or call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. Today's episode is brought to you by our partner Vush, and I want to talk to you all about their Destination Play. It's a range of toys for couples, which is perfect for you and your partner this Valentine's Day, and they sold out of this collection last time. So let me tell you about it. Vush Destination Play is a perfect couple's gift. So here's what it includes. I love a stroker. Their Soul Stroker is ribbed with flexible wings that can accommodate any shaft size, so it's great for solo play or to use it on a partner. Another great partner toy is their Orb Pleasure Ring. So it's a soft ring that has rabbit ears, which is great for clitoral stimulation and nipple play. It's condom safe, both these toys compatible with water-based lubes. Plus, they have a great card game. I love this. This is such a great Valentine's Day idea too, or just for any date night. Curiosity Cues. So you get curious with your partner and it just helps you with conversations. It's 50 card prompts to help you with your discussions about sex. Use code SEXWITHEMILY for 40% off the Destination Play range at vushstimulation.com. That's code SEXWITHEMILY for 40% off at vushstimulation.com. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

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Okay, we have a woman, 55, in California. Hi, female caller. What's your alter ego? If you could be anyone else, who would it be?

What's her name? I would say, um, Acolytus. Acolytus.

I like it. It's a goddess. You are, you are Acolytus to me. Tell me everything.

What's going on?

You are Acolytus. I know you are. That's why I asked.

You're so amazing. And you know, you're making me remember I have a, a G-spot tool in the garage. I'm gonna dig that out and try again because like you, I tried it one time and then it didn't work and I thought I'm broken, so fuck it, you know.

Right, Acolyte, that goddess does not— she's gonna go get that in her garage. 'Cause you know where that spot is. You're gonna find it.

I do, I do, I do, I do, I do. What's going on? I'm calling because I am 55 and I just had these young neighbors just move next door to me probably about a year ago. And I find myself masturbating in the bathroom, in the shower, when I know that they're home. Is that weird?

Well, what do you mean? So you masturbate in the shower and they're home and they can hear you, like, hear you masturbating or your orgasm?

So here's the thing. So I, you know, I spend a lot of time in the bathroom just naturally. I like to bathe, I like to shower, I do candles, the whole thing, right? But since they moved next door, I find myself spending a lot more time there with music and candles, and I'm not super, super loud, but I notice I always kind of check to see if their car is there, and then, you know, I love that you're calling it because we all have rich fantasy lives, and if we don't, we gotta get some because this is it.

So Are you thinking about them, or maybe you're thinking about them hearing you, or are you thinking about, like, are you in the bathtub? Explain this to me. I'm in the bathtub most times.

Candles, set the atmosphere. Set the atmosphere, and then I usually bring my tool in the bathroom with me, and then I'll start, but I noticed as I start to masturbate, I'll fantasize about the two of them hearing me, and I don't get super, super loud. But, you know, once the orgasm starts, you know, I don't really care about the sound, so I hope I'm not being loud. I don't think I'm being loud, at least.

Well, maybe you're a little bit of foreplay for them.

Maybe they hear your orgasm and that turns them on. Is that what you're thinking? Yeah, are you thinking?

Yeah, I, I'm kind of hoping.

Yeah, well, if they left any complaints, how long have they lived there? Apparently it's okay.

It's just been a year, so they just moved in and I think they're like 30-somethings, I think.

Let's see if they complain, but I think that that's really healthy. I think that you are keeping sex top of mind. You know what you need. It's self-care. Taking a bath, setting the atmosphere, maybe playing music, lighting a candle, taking time for yourself and giving yourself pleasure. And bringing in having a rich fantasy life around your neighbors, and are they hearing or not? It's all good. Like, I feel like, Acolytes, it's time to go find the other toy now. I bought my first G-spot toy at Good Vibrations, tried it once, put it in my garage. Yeah, is it a pink one? Yes, it was pink. It was like a rabbit vibrator and it had batteries. Did you buy that as well?

Okay, and then, right, that's the one in the garage.

Well, does it still have batteries? Because then we got to get you upgraded. They don't make better— well, it still will work. Make sure you clean it. But the others—

I didn't have a G-spot because I was like, maybe I don't have one.

Oh, you do. You have an internal clitoral nerve. I mean, wait, what about your husband? Does he ever— does he ever come into the bathroom with you? Now that's your time. Does he ever help to find your G-spot?

And that's the other thing. That's one of the reasons why I'm so quiet, because I think he knows that I masturbate in the bathroom, but I think I have a little bit of guilt because while he knows that I masturbate, I don't think he knows that I'm fantasizing about the neighbor. Does that make sense?

Yeah, absolutely. And he doesn't need to know everything. It's okay to have fantasies that we— listen, there's two kind of fantasies: the ones we want to keep to ourselves and the ones we want to share with our partners. That's it. No judgment. You know, he's letting you in that, you know, you're doing it. Yes, yes. This is— you got to be Listen, the time where we feel the most sexually satisfied or the most pleasure is when we, when we are free and we're not worried about what anyone else thinks about our orgasm and what turns us on and what gives us pleasure. That's why women aren't having orgasms as well, because we just, we worry. But your G-spot orgasm is totally possible. But I think you just got to go dig out that toy. We'll send you a new one. But also, what about your husband? When do you guys still have it? Because he could use his fingers. He could explore it with you.

Yeah, we still— we have been married for a very long time, and so our sex life has kind of slowed down. Um, you gave me advice last time, and we actually wrote down the two, uh, you asked— the homework was to write down our favorite time of having sex, and we did that, and that kind of, you know, gave us a little bit of spark, and we've been doing good with that advice.

Okay, well, I'm glad. Do you need some more? Should we? Because now you just want to lock yourself in. We're gonna get you some more toys and just never come out of the bathroom. Have you guys done the yes, no, maybe list? Yeah, yes, no, baby, yes, yes.

That was part of the homework as well.

Yeah, it was.

Okay, we are doing good.

I think early in our marriage we were having sex every other day for the first 20 years of our marriage. I would say even the first 25 years of our marriage. And then he got sick, he had a surgery. Things slowed down, and then they fell off completely. And then we got into MFT, and things started, you know, I started to talk about my feelings, so things started to pick up. And then I called you, got the yes, no, maybe, got, you know, him to write down some things about, you know, when he really enjoyed having sex with me. So that's there. But I'm also, again, doing some self-care.

Well, I think this is about you right now. Yeah, I think that if you find, if you get yourself, you incorporate some internal play into your session, then maybe you'll feel more orgasms, and maybe that'll be something you want to bring into your relationship. Let's talk to Fred in Texas, 60. He's got some comments on breast play. Tell me everything, Fred. Thanks for calling. What's going on?

Well, I just— couple of quick comments. One about breast play. So my wife is my second wife. Both my wife and then her husband had passed away and we met afterwards, and so we're kind of going through a second round of learning about each other and ourselves. But anyway, she has relatively small breasts, and I have found it somewhat difficult to get them to be sensitive and have her focus and like them being, you know, have attention paid to them. But I have found that sometimes when she does it herself and we're in the act, that it actually is more effective. Is that something you would like?

Yeah, I actually would talk about that. Yeah, absolutely. I think that playing with our own breasts can also be really stimulating for many women. I think absolutely, I think that many women do that as well.

The other comment I'll make is that she has learned to lick and suck my nipples, and that's an amazing turn-on that I've never experienced before. And, um, it's, um, me envisioning her sucking another woman's breast, but at the same time, the sensation of it and knowing that she likes to do it is is really a big turn-on for me.

Oh yeah, that's what I think, Fred. For many men it is, but they just never had anyone try it. Are you saying that it feels good because you're picturing her be with another woman?

Well, there's kind of that, that potential visual impression that I get, but at the same time, having the physical sensation to go with it is, is all pretty amazing.

That sounds really fun, Fred. I love that you guys are exploring now in your second chapter, you know, second marriage. And yeah, there's— this is what I say, there's so many erogenous zones on our body and we often don't even pay attention to them. We spend our whole lives not like with all this pleasure right on our bodies.

So, and sex at 60 is better than it ever was at 30, so don't give up hope.

Okay, Fred, super inspiring. Thank you, Fred. I love it. Thanks for those comments, really helpful. You guys, it just gets better. I think that everything that we pay attention to, that we spend time on, that we care about, that we want to get good at, takes a little bit of time, takes us prioritizing, takes us focusing, but that's how it happens. Better at 60. I want that for everyone. I mean, I know for myself, my sex life gets better every single year since I've been in this career. Not before that. I was like a lot of you. I thought that I couldn't have orgasms in certain ways and that I was never going to be turned on. I was never going to like sex again. But I've learned that it's a practice, just like everything that we care about, that we prioritize. It is a journey. We are all on a path and get on that path. I welcome you to join us on the sexiest sex path here on Sex with Emily. Let's talk to Sammy, 36, in Ohio. Hi, Sammy. What's going on?

Thanks for calling. Well, thank you for having me. So, um, I've been wanting to call for quite a while, but I just never got the nerve to do it. So basically, my husband has this— I guess you would call it a fetish— because he gets really turned on when I get my hair cut, like when I get it cut short. So over the years, I just, you know, it kept getting shorter and shorter, and then it finally got to like a bob, and that's where it stayed. So it started to grow back and I love it. My sister tells me how great it looks and I know he wants me to get it cut and that's always been like, I guess you would say it kind of like a part of our sex life just because I knew, oh, if I get a haircut, we're gonna have awesome sex. So I just don't know what to do. Wow, Sammy.

Okay, this is so interesting. So would you actually— you're classifying it as a fetish, right? Because it's actually a requirement. For him to get turned on, or no?

Um, so I guess I would say a fetish because it's like it was something he hid for a long time. Obviously he just like, oh, let's get your haircut, and then finally I figured it out. So it's definitely gonna be a fetish because no lie, exaggeration, like I can get my hair cut right then, it's just you can see it in his eyes when he watches me get my hair So I guess—

Yeah, no, that sounds like it. So it never really bothered you before, or do you like your hair longer?

It never bothered me, and when I found out, like, it— to me it was awesome just because, you know, like when you care about somebody and you have that— like, he is 100% my soulmate, and when he gets excited, it makes me excited. Yes. So I loved it, but now I'm just kind of back and forth because I want to let my hair grow out. It's been short for so long. Yeah, but I just don't Okay.

Well, here's the first thing that came to my mind, Sammy. What if you got a wig? Oh, you are good, Sammy. You could even get hot, sexy wigs. You could get all different colors. You get long ones, short ones, curly ones, and then you could even dress the part. And not only are you getting your haircut, but you show up in this wig and you could, then you could get a haircut or you could have a friend cut it or he could cut it. Maybe let's do that. He could even be the barber and cut your hair. And then he never knows who you're gonna show up as. So that's what I think. Very true. Well, I really appreciate that.

Okay, that would make the biggest difference. Yeah, I think so too.

You have to call me back though, Sammy. That's the only thing, because I need to know how this goes. I'm very curious about it, but I think you could even take them up a level. And how you present it is, I've got a great idea, babe. Like, you got to go into it like full on. Like, I'm going to— one night I'm going to be a blonde because I'm a brunette. I don't know what color your hair is, but I had a woman once, I was at Bloomingdale's and I'll never forget this day. She was probably like 65 years old. And I remember sitting there and telling her what I was about to go on a trip the next day. And I said to her, I'm a sex therapist. She goes, what do you do for a living? I said sex. She says, you know what? I've got a piece of advice for you. And I said, what? She goes, my best sex advice for you is to get a wig. And I was like, well, what do you mean? I want to hear more. She goes, because when you put a wig on, you're a different persona. And anyway, I think that just says a lot about like playing a different character. You might feel different too, Sammy. So try it out. Let me know how it goes.

Oh, for sure. I will absolutely call you back, um, and let you know. Thank you so much. Okay, you're so welcome.

Thanks for calling, Sammy. Super excited to talk to Deborah, 56, in Massachusetts. Hi, Deborah. Thanks for calling. Hi, Emily. How are you doing? I'm so— doing well. I'm, I'm excited for your call. Tell me everything. How can I help?

Well, my husband and I have Bob, and he's here with me. We have you on speaker. Um, we have been listening to you for the last couple of years. We've been together for 33 years and married for 31, and we're experimenting with some of the things you've suggested. Right now I'm interested in exploring prostate play, and we haven't done any of that I'm wondering if you can make some suggestions on how to get started.

Yes, such a great question. Now wait, you're interested, Deborah. Is Bob interested?

Yes, he is.

Okay, I love, I love when you guys are calling in together. So what we're talking about is the prostate. Just for everyone listening, it's like, you know, it's like, um, men have a prostate inside of them and the anus. I'm sure you all know this, but it can also give you intense pleasure, and there's a lot of stigma around it, right? You've heard like, oh, does it mean that I'm gay, or it's only for exiting? No, it just means you have a part of your body that can feel amazing when you stimulate it. A great way to start is just to start with some external— have you ever done any external touching, Deborah, like with your finger and some lube, just externally, just so you can get used to what it feels like to have some stimulation?

Well, we've done some of that, and we've got some anal plugs that we've played with. I don't have long nails, but I have short nails and he worries about my fingernails.

Yeah, that's a thing. I mean, you could wear a glove. I mean, the thing is the nails, it's very thin tissue internally. Even if you have short nails, they have to be really short. I always tell people like for men, trim your nails, make sure that they're clean, all that stuff. But if you even have a little bit of nail, you know, you could also put cotton. If they're short, they're okay. But you could also put little cotton balls at the end of gloves. Too, like if they're little, for people with longer nails so the nails don't poke through the gloves.

Oh, that's cool.

So I recommend that, you know, use a glove. Do you want to start with your fingers or do you want to use a toy, Deborah? Bob, what are you thinking?

Well, actually we ordered a toy. It hasn't arrived yet.

Okay, perfect. So let's get you started. So what you do is you insert a finger, you know, it could be your middle finger, the pointer finger. You just want to make sure that Bob's relaxed. And he's laying on his back or whatever position feels good, but you insert a finger, you go slowly inside and you want to use your finger in like a come-hither motion towards the belly button, much like how you would stimulate the G-spot internally. So it's just sort of— and then when you're doing that, you'll find— have you ever done any of this part yet? I don't know where you guys are at. So have you tried this yet? Okay, got it. So then when you're inside, either with like your, like I said, your forefinger, your middle finger, you'll find this spot and it's like a rough area, kind of like a, like a peach pit. And then you just want to start to tap it with a finger, like it's a tapping. Okay. And then Bob's gonna be giving you feedback about, you know, how it feels. And it's really just, it's like a tapping or it's applying pressure with a finger. Like you're just sort of, you know, you could try going faster or a little bit slower, but it's, it's kind of different for everybody. So you're using the, you know, it's a stroke too. So you're not poking. I'm trying, I haven't described this in a while. So you're stroking it, right? So once you find it with that come hither motion, it's like a really slow come hither, a slow, steady, rhythmic come hither where you're applying pressure. Okay. And, and then you go slow and you could go slow or a little bit lighter, you know, following Bob's response and how he's feeling. And then you could also try tapping. Like I said, you could also circle around with your finger, much like how we all— I tell everyone to kind of figure out their G-spot. We spend a lot of time talking about internal pleasure or the G area, as I call it. And then just kind of—

we spend a lot of time on that. Exactly, Deborah. Right.

This is the same kind of thing. Like, it didn't— you know, the first time you were with Bob, Deborah, I don't know if he just kind of found your spot. So it takes a little bit of time. He did. That's why you've been together for so long. I love it. So really just like a constant pressure, your fingers inside, and then you just want to kind of take it out slowly so you're not going in and out. I think that's another misperception that you're pulling your finger out and putting it back in unless he's into it. But I think it's more of a come hither, a gentle, you know, rubbing. And that's, you know, any questions from there? Feel free to ask anything.

Okay. Well, you know what? Was that helpful?

Right. That makes— okay. You want to make sure that you just are sticking to one thing.

There's no place to get advice to get started. So I really appreciate this. Of course.

I'm here for you. Will you guys let me know how it goes? You know what? We will. Okay. I love it. Thank you. It was lovely to talk to you guys. I love getting you off on this mission here. Thank you so much, Dr. Emily Morse. You're so welcome. Bye, Deborah. Thanks for calling. After the break, I'll be hearing more about your fantasies and share how to continue cultivating them, so stick around. Let's talk to Brody, 35, in Nevada. Hi Brody, what's going on? Thanks for calling.

I've been happily married for about 6 years. Our sex life is awesome for the most part. Pretty cool, pretty normal in my opinion. But we got into it like a while ago 'cause I don't really get a blowjob very often. And basically, probably the first year we were dating, I don't know if we were married yet, we went on a road trip. Basically, I ended up getting a blowjob from her in the truck and she swallowed my cum. And it was an amazing feeling and experience and the only time it's ever happened in my life. And she's never done it since. And I was like, have you asked? Yeah, yeah, we talked about it. Okay, a lot. She finally just said, oh, you know, I was just young, younger and trying to impress you. And I was like, okay, that makes sense. And so I don't really like need it. Like, I don't fantasize or think about blowjobs because I'm happy with just pretty straightforward sex, but it felt really good and it's just like Is this just— if say we are married for the rest of our life, am I just not gonna get that again? You know, like, what should I do?

I think you could let her know that you really would appreciate it, that it feels good to you, that's an important part of your arousal. It doesn't have to be every day, but you would like it. And then you could ask her, what would you like more of in our relationship? Is there anything I could give to you sexually? Because you're not wrong, Brody, that in a long-term relationship, we get bored. We got to try new things. You know, yes, penetration is That's great, but I think we all want variety. So, I think just kind of bringing her up to speed with that, it's really important for couples to prioritize their intimacy, to plan for it, to talk about it, to get curious, to get adventurous, to get— that that's part of something that would be important to you to explore together. A lot of couples listen to my show together, or they do research, you know, they just kind of figure out what are we both into, what do we like. That's what I think, and I think you talk to her about it outside the bedroom, just like, hey, let's talk about our sex life. Is there anything you've been fantasizing about? That you want to try. I love oral, you know, I don't need all the time, but this is why it makes me feel good. I want to be a great lover to you. Do you want to be a great lover to me? And it's not a one-time conversation, Brody. It's an ongoing conversation where you—

yeah, it feels ongoing. I think she's slowly kind of opening up and evolving with what she needs because as we grow up, we don't exactly know what we want or need. I'm in my 30s, she— or she's 30 now, but regardless, we're adults. Still, we don't actually even know what we want, you know. And sex happens and it's fun, but I think there's stuff in there that would be— make it even better. And so it's hard to have the conversation sometimes because she can't really answer, but I don't want to force it. But yeah, you're right, we just gotta kind of talk about it more in a, in a way where it's not while we're having sex, just different times.

Yeah, because she might not know. You're right, a lot of women don't really think about it. They don't explore, they don't masturbate. So We have a yes, no, maybe list on our website at sexwithemily.com. It has all these sex acts, a little quiz you could take together about the things you're into. You could read erotica together, you could watch porn, and like just start talking about what could turn her on. What's the most memorable sex experience that she's had with you? What are the top 3 times she's had sex with you and why? The moments that turned her on. And then from there, you can start to kind of figure out what is hot for both of you. You said she's coming around, she probably is.

We did finally watch porn together for the first time, and she initiated it. She likes, like, uh, just women on a woman type, real basic porn. And, um, so that's cool. I feel like she's kind of slowly coming into her own style of what turns her on more than— we're evolving. But yeah, there you go.

Oh, that's great. It's a process.

That's the only question I had. I've never really even talked about it to anyone except— oh, Brody. Um, her This is the first time, so— Well, keep me posted.

I help couples have conversations that aren't easy to have. That's what I do. It's really fun, you know, Brody, what I found is couples, when they actually get past all the shame and the weirdness and like, oh, I don't know what to say, then they're like, oh yeah, when are we going to talk about our sex life again? Like, it becomes their new hobby, their new passion, their new interest that they share together. Let's talk to Angie in Connecticut. She's 28 years old. Hi Angie, what's going on? How can I help? Hi, Emily.

Thank you for taking my call. Of course. Um, I'm so excited. I've been listening to your podcast for probably about the last 2 months when I discovered you on Instagram, and I really feel like it's been, you know, honestly pretty life-changing. So I really wanted you to know that, that I appreciate it. You helped me a lot.

Oh, I'm so glad, Angie.

Thank you. I just wanted to call in because my main concern that I feel like I've had for a while in my current relationship and my past relationships is that I feel like I get to a point where I'm way more into the sex than he is, and it just starts to make me like really feel bad about myself. So I've been with my current boyfriend for 2 and a half years, and the first year it was like everything, all in, you know, and he, he was all into it 100%, and then A year into it, it just started dropping off. And I've always had a high sex drive, and I know that about myself. And of course, I just absolutely like— I'm like, what is wrong with me? What am I doing? And, you know, I really like try to keep myself in good shape. Like, I don't think I've changed physically, really. I know I struggle a lot with anxiety and depression, but I've been going to therapy and I'm on medication, and I'm like really trying. I'm like, is that an energy thing? Am I just repelling? Like, And this has happened to me with another relationship before, so—

Now it seems like it's real because now it's confirmed. It's happened twice, so now it's like we do this to ourselves, right? Now there's a pattern and it's a story, so it's confirmed. I am not lovable. No one likes me, my body, you know, all the things, Angie. But let me just tell you, this is like—

I've had the complete opposite too, where they're like so into it and so about me and so wanting to like give me pleasure and It's one extreme to the other almost.

So are those people you're not as into? Is that what you were going to say? Like they're really into me and I'm not into them or it just— Oh no, no, no.

So, so like my boyfriend before this, we were both like so in love and so into each other and it was just very equal. And then, but there was like, there were a lot of other things going on. It was extremely, extremely passionate. But there were, um, you know, other things happening there. And then I felt with my boyfriend now that it's really like a good balance, like some normalcy and healthy relationship otherwise, but there's like this sex thing. And then I go into a spiral, like I go into a spiral thinking like I'm not the type of girl he's really into, and I, and I start looking at stupid Instagram crap that I know I shouldn't be doing and I feel like he has this whole other type that I'm just not the right one. And this kind of also like makes me think about, um, cuckolding. And I feel like I have a fantasy about that, but like in the female version. I know you've talked about it with the male version, but I feel like I fantasize about not even like— like I just fantasize about being rejected by him with another woman who's like opposite of me. But then I also get like upset by it and like angry about it afterwards.

Angie, that's interesting. Okay, so is this your fantasy? Like, do you fantasize it when you're like masturbating or during sex? Or you're just saying it's just a passing thought?

No, yeah, both. That might be part of it.

So what I'm wondering is there anything— do you remember when you first started having this thought? Was it with other boyfriends too? Okay, what was it?

It's almost been with every boyfriend, I've realized. Once it gets to a more solidified place in the relationship. It's like these guys that I know would never have a threesome, and I have a fantasy about having a threesome, but I feel like it's mostly for this reason. And I know that it's not healthy to have a threesome if you're not like comfortable, um, in your place in the relationship. And I know I'm not, so like I feel like I'm not comfortable myself, but there's like this weird part of me that just feels like I want to be like rejected or something. And I have talked to my therapist about it too, right? Right. Oh, this is interesting, controlling the pain or something. Well, it is.

So my question for you is about your family of origin. Like, when was the first time you felt abandoned or rejected as a child? Was there something that happened when you were younger?

I don't know, I guess just the basic— yeah, like my parents got divorced when I was 2, I guess, and my mom had like, you know, a few different boyfriends growing up. I don't know, like, I definitely didn't have a standard father-daughter relationship if we're getting into that, but sure, why not? I don't know if I can— yeah, I don't know. And like, my brother was kind of really the only like male figure, I guess, in my life. And he, he was whatever, he was a mean big brother, like beat me up all the time. But like, I don't know if that sounds like my life here.

You just painted my life. My mom had boyfriends, my dad. Yeah, my parents got divorced. My brother was mean to me. Yeah, so that could all be all of it. I mean, the thing is, this is so interesting because I— part of me, it is sort of like a cuckolding fantasy. And I often hear it for men. And when we're talking about cuckolding, it's men who have fantasies about watching their wives have sex with another man. I haven't often heard it from a woman. I have to tell you that this is sort of new for me hearing it. I mean, maybe I've heard it once or twice before, but what I want to say about— yeah, Angie, I think it's— I mean, thank you so much for calling. This, but my only concern is like what I would say if anyone calling in is like, usually it's people who are in like a solid, secure relationship, right? They've been with their partner, they've been married, they're together. The only reason why I'm not saying, well, maybe you could try it is because I need you to be more secure in your relation. Like I want you to be in a better place with your partner so you could separate and be like, oh, I am really safe and secure with my partner. And then venture out into the fantasy. Oh, it's called Cuck Queen.

Yeah, I did see that. Yeah, yeah, that's the thing is like I don't really even think I want to do it. And like, listen, I— yeah, weird, like I get angry after the fan— it's so weird. I don't know.

No, Angie, it's a lot, huh? Okay, you get mad because you have so much shame, you have so much blame, and you're so hard on yourself that— yeah, it's a lot of swirling things. If you talk to your part— like What if you guys role-played it and you like talk? I don't, I don't even know that you're there though. Cuz you know, I wouldn't even say to go out and do it yet. You're years away from that. Right. But you could also like role-play it with him and like be like, right now I'm picturing there's another woman here. Angie, have you done any work? I know you're in talk therapy, but it would be so good for you to do some more like body-centered work or breathwork. Have you done any kind of work on yourself that's not just talking about it? But like feeling things in your body?

I feel like I've been on this constant kind of self-reflective journey for about 10 years or something since my late teens and, and really trying to meditate. And I, I've been in and out of like heavy meditation practices and things like that. Like I'm always interested and I'm always trying to practice self-love because I know it's something I really struggle with.

Are you aware of your body? Like where you feel certain things, like where you feel the anxiety or because you're talking about all these stories. Yeah. Have you, you've done that work? Cuz I'm just wondering how in touch, how much you feel your emotions and just, I don't know, just feel me. I'm just getting this sense that that would be really helpful for you. Cuz if you've been in talk therapy for 10 years, maybe another kind of therapy, you know, I always talk about EMDR, which I think is amazing therapy. And then just because I could give you, I mean, I would say a practice of meditation around your thoughts and around breathing. Maybe if you bring in some breathwork, and some, some meditation or some mantras affirmations, because you're doing all the things you said. You're meditating and you're in talk therapy and you have an intel. The reason why I'm talking about the body work and somatic, which means embodied being in our body, is because you're very much in your head about your challenges. You're like, here's my story. I've been doing it. And actually you sound a lot like how I, I have sounded in therapy, probably around your age too. Like, I got it. I've done it. I've been there. Da da. My parents did this and I attended 4 of my parents' weddings before I was 25. My dad died. My brother was mean, but I got it. You know what I mean? and I was like, I get it intellectually, but I had to like do work where I like felt it. I cried, I released pain.

Right. I haven't been in talk therapy for 10 years. I've been in talk therapy for a year and a half now, but I've been like trying to meditate and stuff for 10 years and, and do all of that. And I've definitely tried all the things, but yeah, exactly. I know where I need to work on myself more. And I, that's why I'm glad to hear that from you because I'm trying to figure out what it is I need to— Yeah, it's just committing to it.

And don't— I mean, here's the thing, Angie, therapy takes time, and I would say it takes about a year, year and a half till you, you get hit, till you really feel like it's working. Like you feel like, oh, I can look back on it. And that's been my experience because I've tried a lot of different therapies. I just know this for a fact. So you've already done that, and it sounds like you have been communicating with your partner, and that's all really important. You know, I had to try a lot of different meditations till I found what works for me. And even sometimes I fall off the wagon, but when I'm consistent, it's amazing because I can control my mind. I can relax. And like, you know, then you could like really see your thoughts from another place and go, oh, I am not my thoughts. Because your thoughts that he's gonna leave you or he's not loving you or not into your body, like we've just told you all the ways it's not true. So writing it out and journaling about it is really helpful too. Do you ever do any of that?

I do, actually. I've been really getting into that in like the last few months especially. And like, that's something I've been on and off, but yeah, I try to write affirmations every day, and I write down what I'm grateful for every day. You know, all of these things I'm really mindful of. Well, sounds like you're doing it all, Angie.

What would you need from your boyfriend to feel safe? Like, what would he have to say? What would he have to do? And then can you let him know that? Is it every day you need a text saying I love you. This is all things I love about you. Is it touch? Is it words? Like, what do you need? I think a lot of it starts with us too. You're gonna need some things for yourself, but what would you need from him to feel safe? And then maybe just ponder that, journal that, and then let him know.

Yeah. I kind of encouraged us to have a conversation about our love languages the other day. And I, I went through 'em. I know that my love language is physical touch, and I had assumed his was words of affirmations, and he kind of confirmed that. So I think it's also me trying to understand what I can do better for him. And like, again, like getting out of my head too, that maybe I'm not being— I don't know.

Yeah. Well, if you're really in your head too, sometimes it's hard to be as present for others when we're really like obsessed with our own thoughts. So I love the idea of you guys doing some work together and kind of working this through with each other. Yeah.

Like, I really do feel like since listening to you, it's helped me a lot. With my confidence because like you said something about, um, we have one podcast about dressing up and things like that, and that's something I was really insecure about for a long time because I had a boyfriend before that was like, why are you doing that? I'm not 18. Like, that's not gonna do it for me. Just like devastated me.

So I like, yeah, that's what happens. Oh, I'm glad. Do you ever write down these little successes, Angie? Because it sounds like you've had a lot of them. Maybe sometimes it's great to keep like a note in your phone of all the things that have gone right in your relationship so you can go back and look at them. Because to me, you sound like a woman who's really working hard on yourself, having difficult conversations, doing the love languages, being honest with your boyfriend. Like, to me, those are all wins towards you feeling safer and like you're in a healthier place. So I feel like just keep going and doing your work and try to go easy on yourself and, you know, realize your successes and remember to give back to him as well and Sounds like you're on that path, Angie. You're doing great.

Well, that makes me feel better. Thank you. Of course. I got you.

I'm so glad you called. Thanks, Angie. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter @sexwithemily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-7777. 825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com/askemily. Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.