I Love My Partner, But My Coworker Is Hot

Whether you've been together for 10 years, there's an age difference, or you've been together for 5 years or 5 months, there always comes a time in a relationship, and my advice is to do it sooner than later, when you're like, okay, let's talk about our sex life. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Got relationship drama? Don't we all? On today's Best of show, I'm helping you navigate choppy relationship waters to get to the other side safely. First up, he just divorced and jumping right into an ultra serious relationship. Too soon? Next, when you've got a massive crush on your coworker, should you divorce your partner and pursue your colleague instead? And if you're not so into your partner's bedroom style, can you teach them to be more dominant? Is that possible? All this and more on a particularly juicy best of show. Intentions with Emily. For each episode, join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of the episode? How could this episode help you? My intention is to help you know that if you're in a relationship that's going through a rough patch, you're not alone. Whether it's sex, trust, or evolving a relationship model, We've all experienced relationship challenges, but on today's episode, I help my callers and you turn those challenges into victories. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. Check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all @sexwithemily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, do it. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com/askemily or call my hotline. 559-TALK-SEX or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Okay, let's talk to Mark 45 in Connecticut. Hey, Mark, how can I help?

Hi, Dr. Hi, Emily. So nice to talk to you live.

Nice to talk to you too.

I am, uh, thank you.

I'm coming off a divorce, a long-term divorce or a long-term marriage with a very poor sex life when it existed.

Okay.

Um, and about 6 months through this separation period, a coworker kind of took me in, you know, helped me find a place.

And after about 3, 4 months of being there, a relationship developed.

Absolutely love the woman. Sex life is great.

Everything about it is perfect.

However, to be honest, there's been a lot of women that have come out of the woodworks and become available, and there's this overwhelming feeling of like wanting to date other people or have, I guess, maybe just have sex with other people and experience that after having gone through such a long drought.

Yeah.

And I'm in this like crossroads of, am I getting into an immediately too committed of a relationship too soon and not You know, for lack of a better term.

Well, Mark, that sounds like exactly what's happening. So you were married for a long time. How long were you married?

18 years.

18 years. And then you're just going through the divorce right now.

Just finalized.

Okay. So it's, and now you're saying you've been dating someone for like a few months and she wants to kind of make it official kind of thing.

Yeah.

Make it like a, yeah, make it a boyfriend-girlfriend. I do care for her.

I know you do. So here's what I think, Mark. I think you gotta honor this. I think you're absolutely right. For 18 years having a sexless marriage, And now you're dating and you're tasting all the flavors that are out there. You've only been having chocolate, right? This is kind of a process that a lot of people have to go through. So for you, it's like, you know, you would like to go out there and experiment otherwise. So I think what I would recommend that you do, Mark, is be really honest with this woman, because I believe that— now listen, I know I live in California, you live in Connecticut, like things are different in different parts of the world, different parts of the country. But I'm also gonna say that to be honest and to be like, you know what, I love this relationship and what we're having and all the things you like about it, but I can't help feel that I, I really need some time with myself. I need to go out and experience other people, other things. And, and maybe there's a way she would still be okay being with you while you do that, or maybe she won't. But I feel like when people say it in a way that's, you know, let's try something alternative, like an alternative relationship style where it's non-monogamous or it's, you know, it really can work. So I think that we're so black and white thinking, like either we're committed or we're not. But I think there is this in-between area that I've seen a lot of people and I know and I advise people and they've successfully been able to navigate it, you know. Sure. Yeah, so I would recommend that, but I, 'cause I think if you stay in the relationship and you don't get these needs met, that that'll be equally frustrating. So I think being honest about it and going slow with the conversation and just kind of, you know, making sure you're careful in your words, 'cause you know, if you're like, I just wanna bang a bunch of chicks, like that's what she's gonna hear anyway. So saying like, this is just soon for me and I really appreciate this, but I can't help this feeling. And I could tell you when I'm going on dates or we could, you know, figure out what, and she might be like, no way, I could never handle that. And then I feel like, 'You can listen around, tell me more about that. What would it be like? Like, what would you need from me for it to feel okay?' I just think that's a conversation you have to have, and I don't think that people are having that conversation enough, because I think that a lot of relationships can work out, but we just don't give it the chance. And if it doesn't, you know, then you have to decide.

I think you're right.

Okay, cool. Thanks. Thanks, Mark.

Okay, this next one is from Sarah, who's 23 in the UK. She writes, 'Hi Emily, thank you for the amazing podcast. Since I started listening to you a few months back, it's been like losing my virginity all over again. It's so exciting, and I can't wait to experiment more.' My only problem is I've been in 3 relationships which range from 6 months to 3 years, which have all ended so badly. I'm a sensitive soul and I feel slightly traumatized by them. I'm currently waiting for therapy and I feel that it's important to not get into anything serious with anyone until I've gone through that therapy. However, I did just start sleeping with this guy and it's honestly the best sex that I have ever had and I can feel myself starting to get feelings for him. 90% of the time when I have sex with people, I catch feels and become blinded by any flaws they may have. It's like I'm unable to see if they're actually right for me or not. Anyways, I'd love to get your advice on how to just have sex and not think into things or get feelings. I'd love to know as I want to focus on me, but I also have an incredibly high sex drive. Thanks again for being you.

Ah, thanks Sarah. Thanks for being you, Sarah. I have to say that I'm really impressed by your email, and you are so wise and thoughtful. And you're 23 years old and you're recognizing really cool things about yourself that a lot of people never get there. You're not picking the right people. You get attached like a lot of us do after we have sex. We get attached, we have orgasm, we think we're in love. But it's happened to you a lot, and you know that you're a sensitive soul, and then you feel traumatized. Like, at 23, you're already using the word trauma, and you're already emailing me because it's happening again, and you're like, I don't want to do this again, I want to change it. So I love that you mentioned therapy because I really do think that you are ready for it and that you know yourself really well. So I would try to either just until you get into therapy, but I think the sooner you will, or just start thinking about some of the things that I'm gonna tell you is that maybe you don't need to be dating right now for a little bit. And maybe it's time that you do some of the things that, you know, we, you've been listening to the show that we talk about is that like, get things like settled. Like you use the word trauma. 3 years? You've already had a 3-year relationship? No, stop the madness. Take time and figure out who you are, Sarah, without someone in your life right now. Because I feel like something with attachment here, or like there's something about a man, like that you need to feel loved and supported. Usually goes back to our childhood and repeat these things until we stop. We're like, I don't want to keep going. And understand like what, who you are without a man. Because you need to— I feel like you're getting attached because you're not feeling so safe on your own without a man. So I think it's really important for you to just take time and say, you know what, I'm not running out of time. There's always going to be plenty of men. But who am I without one? How do I move through life? What's interesting to me? Like, what's interesting to me as a 23-year-old now, Sarah, who I'm going to assume you've been in a relationship forever. So I say take that time and then to focus on, since you say you have a high sex drive, go back and listen to the clit notes. Take some time masturbating, taking care of your own pleasure and building a community around you of super kick-ass women. That you love, that are your friends, that will fill you, that are your people— or men, be friends with whoever. But take care of you, get to therapy, and then go back to dating. Thank you, Sarah. Okay, we have David. He's 40 from Philadelphia, and his wife seems to have lost sexual attraction to him. Hey David, tell me what's going on. Thanks for calling in.

We've been married for 14 years now, and for the last probably 7 years since we had kids, things have been kind going sideways a little bit, you know, definitely had sex fairly regularly, but we had communication issues and things kind of, you know, went downhill over the years. I think a lot of it had to do with jobs and kids and all the other stuff around that. And then, so we started seeing a therapist earlier this summer and feeling like we were really moving forward with stuff, but during our therapy, I've found out that, um, my wife had been, uh, unfaithful a couple of times over that exact same period. And that was really tough to get through and feel like we're, we're kind of moving forward now. And I think she's very remorseful about that and I've accepted it. You know, we have some trust issues, but we're trying to move forward. Um, and we're a lot closer and communicating better, but she, does not have the feelings for me to want to go back to being intimate. And I'm struggling with it.

So yeah.

Okay, so thank you for that. So I'm trying to understand. So when you said that the affair happened, you said during the therapy or during the last 7 years since you've had kids and things haven't been as great?

No, during the therapy. So I think she had started, basically started chatting with guys before we went into therapy, then we went into therapy. And I think she never really stopped. And To hear her explain it, she kind of felt like she could keep those two things separate until she figured out kind of what was going on with us. And then I figured it out, and now I think she's committed to trying to make it work, but for her, it's— there's a big block.

Okay, well, wait, first of all, how long ago did this happen, the therapy and finding out? Like a month or 6 months?

Therapy started 4 months ago, and I found out 2 months ago.

Okay. Okay, so just know first of all that, that you probably know from listening to the show that when someone cheats, rebuilding trust takes a lot of time. So I'm so glad that you guys are in therapy. I feel like I want you to give yourself some, some compassion here and some, like, to understand that it probably has been hard and that that would hurt to think that you guys are going to therapy and that this happened. Because your question is asking about her and how she's reacting to you, and I just want to make sure first of all that you've actually, you know, have felt this, like have known that it doesn't feel great. It's still very soon that it just happened, and that I think that the therapy needs to go to kind of talking about rebuilding it and like what actually really happened. I'm just wondering if you have all the information because it's true that couples who typically can get past this and through this, they kind of have to— for many couples, it's helpful to reveal everything that happened. So I'm wondering if she did that in therapy, like if you have all the details.

Yeah, I don't know. I think she's been— I think she's been honest. And I don't think it was like a real affair. I think she hooked up with a guy 2 times.

Okay.

I think it was— I don't think she's like trying to, you know, start a relationship with this guy. He's married.

No, I know. I'm just saying the fact that she did it is going to set you back as well because I'm hearing about her attraction and I just— I'm just checking in with you. So that's just, you know, it sounds like she wants to make it work and you're both there in the same door. But I understand that's very fresh. It's very fresh that you found this out, you know, after being married 14 years.

Yeah, definitely.

So, and then when she's saying that she really wants to work on it, so what happens when you try to get intimate? Do you think that she might be feeling, you know, I doubt that it's sexual attraction. Like I don't think that she's not into you and she doesn't love you and she's going to therapy, but there could be like, do you think she feels guilt about the cheating? Do you think that she's, you know, she might need some more time. Do you think anything's going on with her? I don't know, like, is she taking any medications? Has she been depressed before? Like, you know, she might just not be in the mood, which happens a lot for women. Like, what is she telling you? What is she saying to you? I'm just not in the mood, end of story? Or like, what's the word she's putting around it?

Yeah, I think she, um, I think she got to the place where she wanted to have the affair because she felt like she wasn't getting what she needed out of our relationship. And I think, you know, she saw that we started working on it and I made a lot of changes when we started going to therapy, but I think she had already kind of gone down the path. And now I think she's in the place where she, you know, she said, she said a few times, I just need to be true to myself. And I need to trust that, you know, things really are different and they're going to stay different before I can kind of get back those feelings that I don't have right now.

Right. How was your sex life before, like when you guys first met?

Oh, it was great when we first met and for the first, you know, 4 or 5 years it was awesome.

Okay.

Right.

And then, you know, things, you know, we've been several years into it and things changed. And really when we had kids is when Everything just kind of went not sideways, but it wasn't, wasn't the way it was. And, you know, I think sex became— we both kind of enjoyed it, but it was, I think, both— we never communicated much about it and kind of, you know, I don't think we were asking for what we wanted, and neither of us. So neither of us felt like we were fulfilled. And rather than kind of waking up and doing about something about it together, I think It took this crisis to kind of say, now we do need to really communicate about this.

Okay, so have you— okay, so here's what I'm thinking. I feel like I understand the whole picture now. I feel like you two need to take your regular sex off the table, like your intercourse or however you guys do it, the routine you've been doing, and I like— you kind of got to stoke that early chemistry that you had when you met. So maybe it's just some more like fun dates or like making out and just kind of massage or doing things that are kind of new to you guys but still intimate and reconnecting. Even if it's for a week and you're like, let's just start small, like give her a massage, she gives you a massage. Like, I don't, you know, or maybe like, I don't know.

Like, yeah, you know, it's funny. Yeah, we're not, um, we are really close. Like since this happened, we spend a lot of time together. We've always gone on a lot of dates. It's not like we're living separate lives.

Right.

Okay.

Um, and we, you know, we give each other lots of massages. We're, you know, we kiss and hug. When we're saying goodbye.

Okay, so you're intimate still in that way.

Yeah, yeah, but there's like this block with her about, I don't, I can't have sex with you until I feel like I'm 100% there.

Well, what does that mean? I think you have to ask her how she's gonna know when she's there, 'cause I'm wondering, to me, I don't know what that means. Like, when she's there emotionally and she feels what? 'Cause the truth is you don't just, and it could happen where she wakes up, she's like, I'm ready today, but I feel like there needs to be maybe more talking about what you both want sexually. Like, it's kinda time just to have a clean slate. And maybe it's time to talk about fantasies or masturbation or things that really turn you guys on to help get there. Because I don't know if she said to you like, this is what this means, I need another month of therapy, or I need some more time feeling good in my body, or I, you know, because I don't know what that means.

Yeah, no, I, it's a good question. I'm not sure she knows or I know at this point. I mean, I think she's going through, so she's going to turn 40 in June, and so I think she's going through kind of like a midlife crisis where she doesn't know, you know, I think she's questioning a lot of stuff in her life, right? So, um, I think she— I think that's part of it. And then I think, you know, I made a big change when we started going to therapy, and not that I was ever a bad person, but it was, you know, I wasn't listening to what she needed, and I think I started doing that, and I think She, you know, still today is like, I don't know if this is real. I don't know if these changes are gonna last.

Okay.

So this sounds really good too. So I get it now. I get the 14 years you've been together. Now you've actually doing the changes, which is always amazing when you were someone and you see them change. So I think that's, I mean, first of all, kudos to you, cuz it's so not easy to change our patterns, especially in long-term relationships. So I think that's great. So now it sounds like she's like, oh wow, this is really happening. So it means maybe you just need a little bit more. Time right now, and I think that maybe if you guys are still going to therapy, have you talked about your sex life in therapy yet?

Oh yeah.

This part of it? Okay. Well, it sounds like you're doing all the right things. You're in therapy, you're talking about your sex life, you've made changes, she's gotta process it, is it real? And I think you can never talk about this too much unless it becomes super annoying to both of you. I think like your sex life part of it and what feels attractive to her, like it sounds like she wants to come around and she will. But I doesn't, nothing you're saying sounds like it's about not having a sexual attraction to you. I don't think that's what it is unless there's, you know, I think that maybe there's some more questions to ask. Is she masturbating? Is she connected to her body? Like, I get like turning 40 and all that stuff can be challenging, but I mean, it takes two of you to work on it together. So I think that if she's on her own saying, I'll let you know when I feel it, like, that's not fair to you either. So I think some kind of plan where you guys decide to come together and talk about it in a really healthy way.

Yeah, yeah.

And try something new.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, but I think you're gonna get there. Like, keep up with what you're doing and just keep talking. Keep, keep saying the things that you think you can't say because you know that's intimacy. Like, you know, you guys are probably having conversations right now that are blowing your mind, like, wow, and then it brings you closer together. So I think you need to do that same thing with your sex life. I think you need to ask her more, like, what does that mean and how can I help with that? You know, like, there's no pressure, take your time, but I need to know what that means. So you know her plan.

Yep.

Yep. Okay.

Okay. Stick with the therapy though. It's amazing. All right.

I will.

Okay, David.

Thank you so much.

Good luck to you guys. Stick with it and congrats. I think you're doing great work. Thank you.

Thanks, Emily.

You are. Thanks, David. Thanks for calling in. You guys, it's true. When you're with someone for a while and then all of a sudden, like they actually make those changes that you wanted, but you've been so set in your anger, you're like, I kind of liked that my partner wasn't delivering. Cause the truth is, it's like 14 years together and then like in the last 4 months, your partner's like asking how your day was and bringing you presents and giving you massages or whatever it was that you wanted. And then you're like, oh my God, is this real? It takes some time to kind of get to know your partner again. But I think, I think it's great. And I think this is a great lesson for people to know that you actually can change, your partner can change. And a lot of it does start with really good couples therapy. Find a good therapist. If you've been together for a long time, I'm just gonna say you need some therapy. It helps everyone.

All right, let's serve as Katie. She's 39 in Tennessee. She wants to know how to teach her husband to be more dominant.

All right. Hey, Katie, tell me what's going on.

So yes, I would like for my husband to be more dominant in the bedroom. And I think he confuses it with being like an asshole, like, hey, do this, like, do that. I'm like, no, no, I need you to be more caring and like instructive versus domineering and, um, right, like being aggressive about it. Got it. Okay, right.

Well, Katie, have you let him know, like, do you kind of know, like, if you had closed your eyes right now, could you run through the whole roleplay, like fantasy in your head of what you want when you say dominant?

Oh yeah.

Oh, perfect.

And we've, we've done it well, like one time he did it fantastic. I was like, that's it. But I think outside of the bedroom where he's like, maybe when he's, when he's trying to start foreplaying, then he, he's kind of confused about how the caring aspect of a dominant would be to a submissive.

Okay, well, he just needs some information.

Yeah.

Well, tell me what you want. Do you want him to be like, in those moments when he's doing something cringy, we've all been there. What would you like instead? Because then you could just tell him that and say, you could be like, babe, I love— God, that one time you nailed it. Maybe he needs to be reminded. Honestly, I don't remember everything that I do. Like, if I did something great 6 months ago, my boyfriend was like, what about that time? I'd be like, tell me what I did. So maybe you could be like, that time was so hot, and now I know that you've been trying, but what would be really hot is if when we're in the kitchen you say blank. And then what would that be, Katie?

That would be, um, say I love you, like, pet on me, and then maybe tell me to get on my knees and take a dick, or yeah, something like that. Sweetly.

Sweetly. So you could say either you could—

I can direct him like online or something.

I would find some people. Um, this is where I— this is where I think porn is useful. You could either find porn that has like— you could literally put in like dominant if you feel like going down that road, or you could just role play with it and be like, I want you to be like, babe, I want you to be like, um, Whatever you just said, you're so, you know, you're sexy. Let's have sex. But first you got to get on your knees and you want it more like, okay, babe, now pretty like you want to grab your face and be like, hey, pretty wife, like, I want you to get on your knees now and I'm going to pull my pants and then you're going to suck my dick. Right?

That's what you want.

No. Yes. Yeah. Oh, yes. Okay, good. So that— I mean, okay, right. That's what it sounds like. You want to be like, hey, but now some women would want you, little slut, like, put my dick in choke, like, so it's all different. So he's just doing the best he can. Now, Erika Lust has— is, is one of my— now you got to pay for her porn. Maybe she has a free whatever, but it's totally worth it. And one of her— my favorite is she's got a Dom/sub role. She's got hundreds of movies on her site, porn. It's made by a woman for a woman. She's— I think her porn is the hottest. So maybe if you could find a scene in there It's called XConfessions with the, I was gonna say the letter X, letter X. It is the letter X, XConfessions.com. We're gonna put it in our show notes. So Katie, I think just being playful and telling him that and then he'll get it, you know, 'cause he already got the other part down. It's just that cringy wrong part that you're like, uh-oh. So I think just either telling him or finding a little clip and sending it to him and saying, this is what I want. But you just have to go to like one of the porn hubs or go to Erika Lust. Okay, you're close, Katie. You're— he's so close. It's just not nor— you know, and he probably hasn't done it the other way. Maybe he doesn't remember that he did it right the last time and how he did it. So remind him, I loved that time when you were in the bedroom and you did ABCD.

And then say, and your information helped. Yes, your information helped tremendously because when, when you search for subdominant stuff, it's more the act of the sexual act versus the roleplay foreplay beforehand, right? So if Erika Lust has got kind of from start to finish, then that, that's what I'm looking for, right?

And that she does. She's got the plot, how they met, coming in, but it's not too long. It's still really hot. So that's why I love her because she's more speaks to what we want. We want to know how they met. We want to know their relationship. Yeah, well, I'm glad it's been helpful. And we do have some information on our site for, for beginning kink. Beginner Dom/Sub. We've got great stuff on our site. I got to say, just search it. We'll find it. So for Dom/Sub and all that. Well, let me know how it goes. Now I'm going to be dying to know. Keep me posted. Thanks for calling. After the break, more of your relationship questions. So don't go anywhere.

Okay, this next one is from Ken. He's 40 in Ireland. He writes, hi Emily, I'm an avid listener, have been listening to your podcast for a few years, and I have a few things I could use your help with. I'm a married man of 15 years but have feelings for another woman. I see her several times a week, but most contact is professional. As my feelings have grown towards her over the last 2 years, I have stepped back as much as I can. I see her weekly but purely professional. I have not told this person nor anyone else how I feel. How can I stop these feelings as they are driving me crazy? Which brings me to my other point. I know I have these feelings as there's something missing in my marriage. We have no kids but live a busy lifestyle, so sex is scheduled twice a week. But lately this has been slipping and it's always the same and boring. My wife has no interest in sex or masturbating. I've talked to her several times about spicing up our sex life, such as giving and receiving oral, and she says okay, but then nothing ever happens. I've tried just about everything you've mentioned on your podcast, but nothing is working. What do you do when your normal playbook doesn't work? I love my wife and don't want to get divorced, but I can't help but think things are not going to get better. I want to save it, but I'm wondering if it's time to call it quits.

All right, okay. I read this twice, Ken, because I really, really wanted to, like— and then Jamie just read it, so that's a lot of times for me. Listen, I really want to help you here, Ken, and I love, like, that you've been listening for so long because you're like, okay, Emily, and I know what you're gonna say here, and I know you're gonna sit here, and I've tried everything. I tried everything you mentioned and nothing is working. And I believe that you have, like, I believe that you really want this to work with your wife of 15 years because I'm sure you had it at the beginning and you've tried, you talked to her a few times. It didn't work. She maybe has never masturbated in her life. We don't know why. Maybe she's had some shame around masturbation. Maybe she's been disconnected. Maybe she had some trauma. We don't know. So a few times you've tried to talk to her about spicing it up and she's still in her own way not connected to her body. So I think what you have to do here is know that it's not about this other woman, that going off and having a fling and cheating with someone else is the last thing you should do. That's just going to be like a little Band-Aid, a shot of dopamine that's going to make you feel better for a second. But what you got to do with all that energy and time that you were thinking about that woman is turn it towards your wife right now, towards making this relationship great again. So keep things professional with her and know that the quicker you do this and let go of the— because you led with this woman and I'm like, no, you have so much heart in this and you still love your wife and you're at your wit's end and you're throwing your hands up in the air and you think you're never gonna get your needs met and that you gotta go meet it by some other professional one. But that's not true. What you gotta do is you gotta bring it up back to her again. And again, maybe a few more times. But the ultimate goal is getting her to realize that sex is a priority in a relationship, that you love her, that you love your sex life, that you want to be connected to her again, that you need that intimacy, that you've learned so much perhaps by listening to this podcast and that it opened you up. Or you don't have to mention my name, but you could just say that because when you bring it up to her again, she's going to feel like, oh, I haven't been pleasing you, you've been my husband, you're angry because we automatically get on the defense. So you have to let her know that you've actually learned more in the 15 years what's possible. And that in the past you were asking her to masturbate and do these things and it wasn't working. And you realize that maybe it's a bigger thing that you guys have to work on together, but that intimacy and sex and connection is so important for the relationship and that you know that she could learn to enjoy it and have pleasure, but you need her to kind of come on over to your side. And however you want to say that to her, Use your words in a loving way without blaming her or shaming her. And it's outside the bedroom. And I do think after 15 years, therapy might be the best bet here. Because when you get to the point of emailing about another woman, to me, I feel like this is like desperate times. Like this, you are at the end. I think that, Ken, that you need to let her know that it's really like, it's a place where it's really hard, it's really hard that you're having a challenge because you don't feel connected to her and you love her so much. And since you are at this point, that's why I think that therapy helps people fast-track it. It's either going to help you realize if you could stay or go, but you gotta like do something to move this in the direction so you don't make a step you'll regret.

From Instagram here, she's 31. She says, I've been with my husband for 10 years and I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore. He's 63.

Okay, all right, so obviously the age difference makes this one a little bit trickier, but let me start with this. Many people are with their partners for 10 years and they find that their sex life wanes. It just does. Their attraction wanes because, you know, when we're in that honeymoon phase, everything feels amazing. But that is a pretty big age difference. And so what I think would be great is if you talk to your husband and you let him know that there might be some other things that you guys would like to try together. Maybe his sex drive is slowing down a little bit. Maybe he would be cool with you opening up and experimenting and maybe trying new things with him. I mean, I would say for 10 years it's been great and you guys haven't talked about any of this stuff. I think that in every relationship is always a good time to start saying like, okay, things are getting a little stale. Whether you've been together for 10 years, there's an age difference, or you've been together for 5 years or 5 months, there always comes a time in a relationship. And my advice is to do it sooner than later when you're like, okay, let's talk about our sex life. Let's figure out ways to keep it hot, to keep it interesting, to make sure that we don't get bored. Right. And like, what turns you on? What turns me on? What are some of your fantasies? Let's go to a sex toy store and go shopping. Let's figure things out. Like, let's just— and then remember, you guys, they're like micro-conversations. So it's not a one-time conversation. You're having it all the time. So, you know, with the age difference, I don't want to make assumptions here, but I'm going to say that like 63, 31, maybe he would be cool with— I don't know what— open— he'd be open to whatever you think it would take for you to be sexually satisfied right now? Maybe it's with him. Maybe it's with others. I'm not sure. But I would think that with that age difference, that's just a very big time— years, 30-some-odd years.

30 years. I mean, it is 30 years. Such different points of your life at that point.

Exactly.

And then do people think about— I mean, I don't want to get morbid here, but they expect, like, you know, you're obviously— he's going to go, yeah, right, and whatever, take care of them. I just feel like that's like— is that when age difference becomes a problem?

Yeah, I do think that a 30-year— I mean, granted, if she was 60, he was 90, I don't know if they made it at that point, but still, like, that's right now they're at that 30-60 point, and they're— and I think that this is where— I mean, it's just, you guys all know, you, you have to understand that your sex life is going to change in your 20s, your 30s, your 40s, your 50s, your 60s. So we all have different theories about, you know, sometimes age differences work for people. You hear stories all the time. But knowing that your sex drive, your interest, your energy level, and everything's going to change with each decade, the more decades you have separating you, the bigger that this is, the bigger challenges is going to be. And I don't think that people often think about that. They're just like, oh, we can make it work. We'll be— they got together at 21 and she was 21. Now she's 31. Now he might be slowing down. I mean, not that 63 is in any way old. Like, I— it doesn't— people in their 60s have amazing sex. I have people in their 80s and 90s. You can have sex for a long time right now. But she might be surprised that by talking to him about this, maybe there's places they haven't even gone yet. Couples re-spark their sex life and the relationship all the time. And a lot of them do it by listening to this show. All right. We have Eric. He's 52 from Arizona, and he wants to break out of his sexual routine with his wife. Hey, Eric.

Hi Emily, how are you?

I'm good. So tell me what's going on. Thanks for calling.

Absolutely. So I kind of have a different problem probably than most folks. Um, we've been married for roughly 30 years. Um, and about, I would say about 3 years ago, we went to actually a, like a sex therapy couples retreat.

Great.

And we really, really got a lot of good information about communication and I learned a lot about kind of what makes my wife tick in the bedroom, what she specifically needs. And so we worked a lot on kind of coming up with like a formula. That's kind of what works for her, right? Um, she loves massages. She has a rechargeable wand. She, you know, that's kind of her favorite toy.

Great.

So we, we go through that. We, we introduce the Foria. Um, oh good. Yeah. Oh, we love that.

Oh, Foria is amazing. Yeah, good. That's a prelude that you like put on before sex. Yeah, she puts it over. Great, I love it.

Okay, and kind of her formula is that, you know, after that, after the, the massage and the wand and the foreo, she prefers like that I would rub my dick on her labia and she would kind of get— she would keep using the wand and in many cases she can, she can orgasm that way. Okay, and at some point in time, she will take my dick to insert into her. Okay, we'll continue that way. She enjoys that. Sometimes she can double, so she can, she can have multiples if we, you know, if kind of we're doing the formula right.

Right.

My problem, my problem kind of gets to be the point of I'm so focused on kind of what works in the formula that if nothing is kind of working for me, right, so I have delayed, um, maybe delayed ejaculation. So it sometimes it takes me 45 minutes or an hour to finish.

Okay.

And that becomes problematic because, you know, by that time she's kind of finished.

She's right.

And she becomes maybe irritated or she becomes, um, it becomes uncomfortable. So I'm wanting to kind of figure, is there a way that I can, can kind of play on the same communications to help her understand Maybe if there's something that we could do a little different or spice things up a little differently, that could help me kind of finish.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, no, okay, this is a great— and you're right, we don't often— this is a really good question because I think, you know, a lot of couples get— do they get into a routine? And first of all, I love that you went to a retreat and you figured out what works, like, right? Because I would assume like 30 years, like, you might not have known this before, but now we know her. And so what about Eric? And absolutely, you can figure out what makes you— what will feel good to you. And so I bet your wife would be— would love that, right? I mean, I would think she'd be down with your finding out your routine.

Yeah.

And listening to your podcast, you know, I kind of mentioned like, well, if there's something that I wanted, I kind of wanted to like maybe mention, hey, here's something that I thought about trying. What do you know? What would you like to try? So kind of doing a trade-off. Kind of the problem we run into, just because some family of origin issues that she has, she doesn't like to try a lot of like different things. Um, so she's not specifically— she's not willing to like give oral. That's not kind of her thing. She does it, but it's much more of, um, kind of— she's, she's not very enthusiastic when she does it. Um, she's— she used to love receiving it, um, but lately that's not kind of her thing. Okay, she, she has to be in a really specific mood maybe for that to be the, the situation. So we tried maybe a little porn. Um, I mentioned to her maybe we could try something anal, not necessarily anal sex because that might be problematic for her, but maybe rimming or maybe a prostate play.

Yeah, I was gonna say like try like one of the Eneros, um, prostate toys are great. I mean Yeah, I think that there's so many different ways and you could use that. You could stimulate yourself with that. That's a great one to use. Or even Hot Octopus now makes this toy, the Pulse for men, Pulse 3. It's like a masturbation sleeve, but it's like, it's like a vibrator, but it actually oscillates. It feels amazing. It like targets your frenulum. So these might be really cool. And there's also a Duo that you could wear during sex. So it kind of has an outward motion, the Pulse Duo. So there are some toys that would be cool for you. I mean, for sure, if you've never tried prostate play, I think you might really like that, and that could be a fun thing for you. Like before, a few years ago, before this retreat, are there things that you were doing then that you kind of miss and you'd like to bring back? Like, is there time to incorporate those things into the— into your sex life again?

Well, we— I mean, she was always— one of the things she actually was receptive to was like toys. And so like I said, we have the wand, right? Used to— used to have like a variety of dildos, and she would— we would use those kind of as a You know, it was, it was kind of fun for me and it was fun for her. It was one of those things we could play with. Um, that kind of, maybe a few years ago, that kind of, uh, wasn't— she just didn't, she didn't respond to them maybe like she used to, right? It wasn't like a big thing for her. Um, I still love playing with them, you know, with her, but it wasn't like she was getting as much out of them, right? Um, so I'm wondering if— and I know that You know, women's bodies change as men's bodies change. So I'm wondering if like the octopus, um, is that something that I could wear while I'm doing kind of the rubbing on the outside of her labia?

Yes, that's why it's so perfect for you. It's called the Pulse Duo, and it's just— you gotta look it up, go to our website, look at it. It's so cool because it's, yeah, it's like a sleeve, and you could— that's the thing, it's just rubbing. And it sounds like this is exactly what— so there's an outer side vibrator, and then there's an inside that's going to be on your frenulum, your underside of your penis, which feels amazing. Like, I keep saying, I gave it to my boyfriend and he literally is like, oh my God, I cannot believe this toy. It's amazing. So I feel like that could help you with ejaculation, but she could also rub on it. Like, it's just, it's not for penetration, but she could rub her clitoris on it, and it sounds like it'd be doing the same thing that the wand's doing, and then you'd also be getting stimulated, and then it might, you might come to ejaculate a little sooner. Okay, so that could be something fun. It sounds like you like toys. Like, I would get some Aneros, I'd get some lube, and I would just dump try to like, yeah, order some things like that. And then also really just think about like if there's something that you've been wanting to try that, you know, to bring in, but it sounds like toys could be a great place to start. Because I can understand a routine just being routine. Everything becomes routine, you know, especially with sex. So, I like that idea of you trying some new things. And it seems like you've put a lot of love and attention on your wife and now it's time for you.

Okay. Well, thank you very much for your help.

You're so welcome. Thank you. Thank you so much for calling. I appreciate it.

This next one is Cassie 34 from New Mexico. Dear Dr. Emily, my husband and I respond to stress very differently. My body responds to stress by shutting down. I want to snuggle, watch TV, and sleep. His body responds to stress by yearning for sexual intimacy to relieve it. Because both of our jobs deal with the well-being of other people, we're often stressed and typically at the same time. Add kids to the mix and forget about it. How can we help each other in these times when we have polar opposite reactions?

All right, Cassie, thanks for your email. Just so you know, this is a very common struggle that a lot of couples are facing right now. We're all running around so goddamn stressed out. It is hard to connect. It actually can really destroy our sex life. So it sounds like you both just need to take some time to, to de-stress, get out of your comfort zones there at home, and maybe like take a trip together, take a day off, get a babysitter, rent a hotel room for a night. You would be amazed at what a change of location for even a night can do for a reset. Like, so you can reconnect when it's not as stressed. And do you make time? And I understand having kids, and also this is just a time when you have young kids and you're, you have jobs and you're working, it, it is just a struggle for several years. But if you can think about it, okay, well, when are we the least stressed? Now, this is gonna take a little effort, but I think it's worth it. So maybe it's setting the alarm for 15 minutes earlier in the morning because you're like, you know what, if we have 15 minutes for intimacy to connect in the morning, then we'll both feel connected as we go about our day. Or maybe it's Saturday mornings and the kids are all off doing something, or you have a babysitter or you go somewhere because this is like as important as your workouts. It's important to go to the kids' games. It's important as everything else, family dinner, your time to de-stress and then to connect with each other and have sex. Sex is actually a priority. So if you put it in the schedule and you say, this is the times we're going to have sex, this time we're going to be intimate. So you guys can kind of know that that's going to happen and look forward to it and make sure you're in the right headspace. I really think that would be a solution that could help you both. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter @sexwithemily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 5-5-9-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to sexwithemily.com/askemily. Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.