In-N-Out: That’s NOT What Sex is All About

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Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kinda cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean?

Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God. I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind.

Of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com where you can check out all of our blogs and you can also easily subscribe to our podcast. Wherever you listen to podcasts, we so appreciate that. And you can find me on Sirius XM radio. It's Stars channel 109 Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm Pacific, 8 to 10 East. You can also get a free 30 day trial at sexwithemily.comsxm and as always, you can find me on all social media. It's exwithemily across the board. All right, guys, enjoy the show. I want to talk about mutual masturbation.

Yes.

Okay, so here's the thing. Mutual masturbation is one of my favorite favorite tips for couples because it just, it's kind of like a twofer because on the one hand it can be really hot to like be lying next to your partner and you're watching, you're, you're masturbating and they're masturbating, you're watching each other. You're like getting some kind of, you're getting the show, you're getting the visual titillation, but it's also like super educational experience in the sense of you're learning. Like, oh, like I remember doing it for the first time and I had a boyfriend like, oh, I didn't know you put your hand over your balls or like your hand goes up and over the penis and all the way back down. Like, his tip was very important to him. Like, I learned lessons that way. And I think all of you, you know, it's a great thing to do, especially if you don't want, you don't have to rush into penetration sometimes. First of all, it's also a sure thing. You know, you're going to get yourself off. And I think also people have said to me that they didn't get it. I've talked about mutual masturbation. Like, well, how do you do it?

Well, because I think what the question that people have, like asked the most is, like, how would you not just start going into touching each other?

Yeah, you make a decision. I don't know, who cares? It's not like you lose. You could go into having each other, but how hard is it to say, you know what, we're not going to go right into sex. We're not going to do the same thing we always do. That's what this month is about. It's about not doing the same thing in the same pattern, the same way that you always do. If you always masturbate by yourself, maybe do it with your partner. Like, this is. This is what this is about. If you guys even did one thing this month, I'd be so happy. That was different. So we're gonna give you a lot of different tips. Yeah, but mutual masturbation's fun.

I used to be that person. It's like, why would you ever. You just start touching each other. But then when I finally did it, I was like, oh, my God. It's like one of my. Yeah, it's like one of my favorite things to do now, though.

Yeah. Why? Why do you love it? Jaime 1.

Because it's the sure thing. I don't have to worry about it. I don't care who finishes first, who finishes last, if he finishes at all. I'm finishing. I know that for sure.

Right?

And then it is just really hot to see someone turn themselves on. And then even hotter that they're getting so turned on by watching you turn yourself on. It's like everyone's getting turned on in all these different ways, and it's just hotness all over the place. It's really fun, especially.

Yeah.

I masturbate with my eyes closed, so this would be a challenge for me.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, okay. Last night, Karen Lee.

Yeah.

Who's on the show, like, can't orgasm their eyes open. Yeah, I don't. I. I think it's, like, super powerful when your eyes are open. I did this morning. I had to put it to the test.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I'm just looking at the ceiling. It's not that hot. Like, to just look at what's above me.

Well, no, I'm just saying. But, like, keep your eyes closed. Like. I'm just saying. She said she couldn't orgasm with her eyes open. Like a sneeze, you know?

Yeah, she could with her eyes open, but. Yeah, I think. And then did you realize that you normally close them, but you tried to keep them open this morning?

I was trying to think. Cause I feel like I keep.

I just feel like I keep mine open.

I keep mine open, too.

Yeah. What if they're, you know, watching for perpetrators or. I don't know.

I don't know. Like, keep your eyes open. I don't know why.

That's the exact moment that someone's gonna bust into your house and rob you is when you close your eyes for a second.

Oh, I know why I did not close my eyes.

The perpetrators are coming.

You never know when someone's gonna walk in in your masturbation sesh. You know what?

I just thought of a way to practice is going to be looking at myself in the mirror when I masturbate.

Oh, yeah, I tried that.

Yeah, that's gonna be a great one.

Good step towards.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it's really hot, you guys. That is a great one. Look in the mirror this month if you've never looked down.

Helping me out. So good.

Good girl. Thank you for here. Thank you. I love it. Looking in the mirror. It's a great one. Okay, here's another thing, you guys. Sex. That penetration. We're going into a few more of this. A little bit.

Is dry humping. I believe that dry humping is a lost art. Oh my God. It says it's a lost art. And I didn't even see it said lost art. There's a list here. I'm like, it is a lost art. Remember when that was hot and you were in high school and you couldn't have sex yet you were rubbing against their jeans on the couch of their parents living room or something or in car. And all the friction and you're like heating up but you can't have it, but you want it, but you can't. And like that's really freaking hot to do. That's kind of masturbation as well. These are all things you could do this month. And this does not include. These are all the things that don't include a little penetration. And what I gotta say, what's really hot for. This is the Hot Octopus Pulse 3 duo. If you don't have one for your penis, you might want one. It's a really cool toy that wraps around your penis. It's an oscillates on the frenulum, which is the super sexy sensitive part of your penis. And then your has a vibrator on the outside so your partner can hump. Literally. It's made for dry humping. Yeah, it's a toy made for dry humping.

I really want to try it with.

Some more excited and rub on it. Me too.

I think that dry humping just tied in with innocence. Because now it's like, go for oral.

That's the thing. All the innocence. You go right to oral or you go right for sex and you skip the boobs and you skip the kissing and everything. And I think we all want to hearken back to those earlier days when you. When you really let that tension and the excitement build and like, are we going to sleep together? Are we not? What's this going to feel? Feel like and you're just. Ah. So you can bring that back. You can also use a vibrator.

Just in general.

Just in general. Use a vibrator if you haven't yet. Without penetration.

We love some lube. You should always add a little bit lube into the mix. I mean, just. Yeah. Vibrator. No penetration needed. Oh, the other thing about mutual masturbation going back. If you use a vibrator and you've been like, a lot of women email or call and ask, how do I use with my partner? Maybe be hot to do it during mutual masturbation. That's a great first time. Well, yeah.

Because then they can see how you hold it.

Yeah. Like in your fearful place where you're so afraid maybe that your partner's gonna freak out when they see it's like this vibrating little egg in your hand or whatever it is really hot. Like, that's what happened to me. My boyfriend was like. When it first. When I first did that, he was like, that's so hot. Like, he was like, wow. And I. Yeah. Now that I remember back to my.

That's so smart.

Because I think there's fear. Like, oh, no vibrators. It's gonna replace me. I'm like, it doesn't look like you. It's a little tiny bullet.

Penis. A tiny bullet. Which is not right.

You can't take a. You can't take a Christmas card with your vibrator.

Tiny vibrator things get right. You can't take a Christmas card to go. Go to the farmer's market with your vibrator. Not yet. That's a robot. Nipple play. Robots can go to the farmers market. I don't want a robot, though. These are ways. Yeah. Nipple play. I mean. Yes. Suck them, lick them. Blowing them. Blowing your partner's nipples. These are great things to do without penetration. Nipple gasms. Very common.

Lube on the nipples.

Lube on the nipples. Nipple clamps. We are fans.

Oh, I've still. You know what? I've yet to try that.

You have a chock full.

I know. I don't know why I have never taken a trip down nipple clamp lane.

Right. Do it. Do it this weekend, all of you.

I definitely feels good.

I'm just saying, don't knock it till you try it. Maybe your partner could just pinch them until it doesn't. You know, like, start softly and see how it feels. Julie. What? You don't want to pinch. Pretend to pinch your. Yeah. Wait till we get cameras in here. Like, because I do it. I'm Showing people. I'm pitching my. Ooh, that feels good, actually.

I'm like, that's. I like it.

What do you think about.

Okay. Because we had that.

I like to pinch my own nipples.

What do you think about through the fabric?

I'm learning that in the moment, through the fabric feels so good. Yes. You guys, putting fabric over your nipples, over your clitoris, over anywhere. You guys that fat, like, using some soft fabric, using your sheets in your house, using, you know, a silk shirt, anything over your nipples and, like, using a vibrator over that can feel really good for a lot of women. They. They orgasm that way. Like, they actually. I remember, for me, actually, one of my first orgasms or one of the first time I was most aroused in high school with my high school boyfriend. I remember him rubbing over, like, my pink satin underwear with his, like, fingers. I was like, oh, like, the material feels great. So don't forget that stuff. And what else we got here? Sensory play is awesome, too, you guys. Without penetration, like, adding a blindfold, wax candle, playing with some massage oil. You guys, even just a blindfold is something different. And you don't need to have any penetration. Blindfold. You do a blindfold, and then you take away one. Sense all the other sentences, sense, sentences, senses become more heightened. You can play music. And this is what I love about this, because sensory play means that you're truly engaging all the senses. So even if you take one away, but then you have music playing, maybe using a warm candle, some cool ice cubes by the bed.

I love ice cubes.

Feeding you chocolate. That's a hot experience.

Ooh, okay, what if I think this actually, you know what? This is coming from one of your tips when we did those Valentine's Day videos last year. You blindfold your partner and you feed them, like, strawberries or chocolates or random things, but then you randomly slip in a body part.

That's what I was like. Slip a tit in.

Yeah. Did I say that last year? See this?

You understand I say a lot of things. Yeah, that's a great idea. Slip in a bucket. Oh, my God. And you've got that already. You've got ice cubes in your fridge. What else do you got? A little massage and then you slip in a nipple slip. That's another definition. That's another way to get the nip slip that you want.

A nip dip, whatever in there. Yeah.

You could put chocolate sauce on your nipple.

Oh, girl.

And then slip it in.

Yeah. Yes.

I don't have any person to take this to right now. You're keeping me out.

Oh, you are taking notes.

No, I just take this out on, like.

No, I know.

Oh, you're like, but I am taking notes.

Take notes so you remember next time. Yeah, like, oh, but you are.

Yeah, I literally am right now.

I wish I had my notes next to me. Like, I want to remember this now.

You will.

Sometimes I don't remember till they remind me. This is what I'm saying. We're teachers. Unless we are a teacher and student. You're constantly learning, teaching, learning, teaching. It's a cycle of life, and it's quite beautiful. All right, we're gonna take a quick break, and when we come back onto your calls.

All right, we have Taylor, who's 25 in Ohio, who's got a few questions about pegging.

Hey, Taylor. What's going on? Let me help you. Hi. I.

I want to know how I can try and get my boyfriend comfortable with pegging. I know it's something he wants to try, but he won't say it.

How do you know he wants to try?

And also, I don't mean.

He'll sometimes say it, like, when we get really deep into the moment, and if I'm, like, playing with his prostate, he'll say that he'd let me do that, but whenever I bring it up after sex or outside of those moments, he's like, oh, no, I would never do that.

Interesting. Are you guys, like, drinking? Are you?

No.

Okay. I'm just wondering if it was, like, an altered state. That's interesting. Does he really say no? No. Okay.

He's just, like. He, like, backs off of it. I think he's, like, embarrassed about it.

Yeah.

And, like, he just gets caught up in the moment.

Well, maybe start with, like, a butt plug and not pegging, per se.

No. You want to peg him? Are you more interested? Like, what about you? I would never recommend.

I have definitely told him that I've been interested.

Right. Why don't you get him a prostate toy.

And then you could put that inside and see how he feels about that. Like, don't go straight into the pegging if he's not there. But he likes the. Sorry, baby. You're gonna have to, like, you have to. You're gonna have to take him baby steps. So I think if you got him, like, a butt plug or a prostate toy, like a Neros or the Black Pearl, We've got a bunch on our website, and you could kind of, like, get him that or even a butt plug might even be less threatening. And then you know, you're using it on him, so you're still controlling it.

Mm.

You don't sound satisfied. And get lots of lube.

I can wait.

Yeah. I mean, I love it. I mean, pegging. I get it. Like. And what is it about pegging that is so hot for you? Is there another way to get that need met in the bedroom with something else?

I think it's like a power thing.

Yeah, no, it definitely is a power thing. But I'm wondering, even holding the toy or the, you know, the plug or whatever, you could still be in that power position. You know, just practice with that. All right.

Okay.

Okay. You can also check out our website. We do have some pegging posts that we can put in the show notes. Thanks for calling. You're not going to get your partner. You can't. Everyone. Every question that starts with, how do I get my partner to blank? Is not. I can't typically answer that in the way of, like, well, first you got to do this. Then you got to send them flowers. Then, you know, it's not like that, like, within. Especially when it comes to sex. It's like, you have to meet them where they're at and maybe, like, show them some other ways to think about things. Like, you already know he's interested, so don't force. Like, I'm gonna, you know, peg, or I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna do something that's. That's extreme. Or, like, people say, how do I get my partner for threesome? Well, you're not, but you could have conversation about what your fantasies are first, and maybe your partner will say, oh, I've actually fantasized about a threesome. Well, there you go. That's an easy one. Or maybe they say, yeah, no, my fantasy is I kind of have a fantasy of being with other women, but I don't know if I ever would, you know? And then. Then you wouldn't start with, well, let's have a threesome, but then you have more information. You guys have to remember that in every sexual relationship you're in that these sex conversations happen all the time. Like, they should happen frequently. Like, where you talk about where you're going for dinner, like, where you're going for vacation this summer. Like, it's. It's like you build on it. You don't just, like, come out with, like, I'm gonna peg you. And for. People don't know what pegging is, because.

Whenever we say it, people always text you.

All my friends are like, what's pegging? I'M like, okay. Pegging is when a. A man is penetrated, typically by a female partner with a saying they call a strap on. And she's wearing a strap around her waist, and it's like a dildo. And so she's penetrating him with that in his anus.

And we say a lot of things in the moment that we don't necessarily want to happen. Like the things you fantasize about when you masturbate, not always something you actually want to happen to you.

True. There's two kinds of fantasies. The ones.

Wasn't Kirsten talking about that the other day?

Yeah, fantasies that she actually wants to have.

The ones that she was like, things about when she masturbates when she's like, no, I would not want that to happen to me.

Right, right. Absolutely. You guys don't. You don't have to get. Yeah, don't go off on those things. Definitely that. That the fantasy that you don't want to live out. But also. Wait, I just had a flash. He said to her in the. She has told him that this is an act that she wants to do with him. So in the moment of sex, he's been like, I want that. So maybe he was saying it to please her.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah.

So.

Oh, my God.

Sorry. That was like.

It's so true. Right? I know once you guys hang up, you're still with me, but let's talk to Carlos.

Yes. Carlos, 34 in Texas, wants to talk about how he got ghosted in a long distance relationship.

Oh, hey, Carlos. Tell me what's going on.

Hi. How are you, Emily?

I'm doing good.

And yourself?

Good. Tell me how I can help you.

Well, it's just kind of along. Well, it's kind of along the lines of what you guys were talking earlier. I was in a longdistance relationship. I went to go visit her. We had what I thought was really good sex. And then after I left, the next couple days are really weird. And then she's like, I think we need a break. And that was the last time I heard from her. And so now it's been a while and I'm trying to, you know, get back on my feet, but, like, my. I. I have to admit, like, my confidence is kind of shot after that.

I totally understand. So that's what we're talking about. Rejection and confidence. And so the confidence part comes from, you know, the reason why it's shot is because the fact that she ghosted you and you don't know why. What we often do when we don't know something. Unfortunately, as humans, our brains make it about us. You did something wrong. You weren't good enough. You're not gonna find someone. And that's where it all comes when really we just know. You didn't hear from her again. Maybe you can make up your own story. Yeah, maybe she got back to back together with an ex. Maybe she realized she couldn't really get to something serious right now, though. Seriously, though, like, if you don't know why, why not? It's. Sometimes I think it's better to, like. Like. Because it doesn't really matter. Is that either the truth? Right? Like, why she did or what happened? Or like, like, that was one relationship and it was great for a while until it wasn't. How many months was it? You said a few.

Yeah, it's been a few. And like, I mean, and it's kind of weird because before her, I mean, I've been kind of in relationships off and on, and I even had, like, a friends with benefit kind of thing.

Yeah.

But the last, like, serious, like, romantic relationship, I was. It's weird because it kind of happened the same thing. Like, the first time we finally made love. And then like the next day after, she's like, we can't talk anymore. And so it's like.

It's just.

It was really tough this time around because I was like, oh, great, here we go again, you know?

Well, that happened to you once before. Years ago, you said.

Yeah, that happened years ago. Okay, so after that it was just kind of.

Yeah.

I mean, but that hasn't happened in every relationship. It happened years ago that. After you had sex. Right. So our brain.

You've had relationships. So all I want to say is what's happening is that. Is that. Is that your brain goes to. Our brain, tries to make sense of things, not even at a conscious level. So here, this woman ghosted you after having sex. So then your brain went to do, do, do. How could I find evidence about. What does this mean? And then you found a time years ago, what, five. When someone else did the same thing. It doesn't mean you're bad in bed. It doesn't mean anything like that. Maybe you have stuff to learn in bed. We all do. But it just means that those two things happen. And it does not mean that Carlos is in danger, you're a bad lover, that you're never going to find someone. So I think it's important for you to learn to think about, like, what, Like I was saying earlier, what can you learn from this relationship? Like, what did you really like about her? What wasn't so great? That's one thing that'll help you. And then also, like, building your confidence in other areas. I mean, are you. Do you feel like you're confident every other area? Right now you feel pretty solid. But this.

Yeah.

I mean, I. I feel like I'm an overall, like, grounded guy. It's just now when I'm trying to date now or trying to approach a girl, it's just like I. I get in my own head, you know, and it's just like, oh, great. I don't want this to happen again.

Right.

And so I guess the point was, like, I'd rather not try, you know?

Yeah, I get it. How long have you been in the I don't want to try period?

God. Well, like I said, it's been. I kind of took, like, a month off, so now it's been a couple of months. Like, two months.

Okay.

And, like, I start talking to somebody, and it's just like. Like, I. Maybe I push away myself and.

Yeah, I think you're in protective mode right now. So what I would say, Carlos, is take dating off the table and just go out and be social. Go out with your friends. Say yes to every invitation that comes in, even the ones that you're like, I don't like those people. That'll be weird. That's how we meet people. But it's not just so you'll meet someone. I want you just to practice being out there, being Carlos, making new friends, maybe talking to someone you find attractive or you're interested in. But I think just exercising those muscles and getting your confidence in little ways even. It's not through the women, but it's just through connection. Because we're kind of talking about the same thing. Because that's what happens when you meet someone. There's a connection, right? There's sparks. There's a connection. And I think the more we just connect in the universe and out in the world, the more likely you're gonna connect. But if you're shut down now and inside, you know, it's like just getting yourself out, even if it's, like, a few more times a week than you are now, and then you'll start to realize that those thoughts and that you're bad, all the negativity and the heart, you know, it still might be a little challenging. Doesn't solve everything right away. But that's gonna get you out of your rut. Just getting out there and then taking it off the table, being like, you Know what? I'm not even gonna date right now purposely, but I am gonna go out in the world and try to meet people.

So you're not. Your dating life is not over. You're not a bad person, Carlos. You didn't do anything wrong. And I would say also, it sounds like both of them were long distance, right?

Well, no, this was like my first ever long distance. The other one, we were, like, friends for a long time.

Yeah.

So it was just this one that was.

Got it. Okay. Well, I mean, Carlos, this is just. Honestly, just take this time to, like, think about yourself, what you can learn from it and do all the things that make you do. Feel confident now, like hanging out with friends and people you love and taking care of yourself and.

All right.

Yeah. All right. Okay. Carlos, thanks for calling. I appreciate it. Thank you. It's not easy, you guys. Confidence is not like. But it is an inside job. Self esteem confidence. But confidence begets confidence. So you do things like that. Like you go out to a party, right? And you meet, you have a really great night out, right? Like, maybe you're going through a breakup and you go out and you're like, you have fun and it's not about. But maybe you're just with your closest friends or with your family. Makes you feel good. You go to your favorite movies, you just do things that are that same. Kind of make you feel like yourself again. And, you know, it comes back. It does, but you've got it. You know, you always gotta be working on it, nurturing it.

All right, we have Joe, who's 58 in Wisconsin, and he is a cross dresser. And he wants to know if he should tell his wife about it.

Hi, Joe, thanks for calling. Tell me what's going on.

Hi, Emily.

Hey. Okay, so how long have you guys been together? Tell me what's going. Tell me. Lay out the scene for me.

We've been together for 20 years.

Okay.

And I've been enjoying cross dressing that whole time, but she has never found out.

Wow.

And yes, I'd like to share that with her and cross dress with her, but I don't know if I should break the news to her.

Okay, so how. I mean, here's the thing. Have you guys ever had any conversations about your sex life at all?

Not as far as the cross dressing, no.

Right. But like, in general, you know, you've been together for she. Your age as well.

Oh, yeah.

Okay. Yeah. I mean, here's the thing about it. I want you to have that with her. I really do. After all these Years and you guys have been together. But like, I think you got to start, you got to kind of tread lightly. You don't want to say, hey, babe, I've meaning to talk to you. BTW, I'm a cross. I've been a cross dresser for 20 years, you know, so it's more like, I mean, I absolutely think that you should. And I think here's the thing about it, it can be confusing. Right. She might not ever heard that a straight man who loves her has been cross dressing, you know, So I think it's really more about opening up the conversation about your sex life in general and that you'd like to kind of talk about things that maybe she would like to try in the bedroom and kind of make it more like a team effort.

And then you can kind of let her know that, you know, what would be your fantasy? How would this play out with you cross dressing? Like you'd like to go out in public with her, or is it more like you'd like to wear it in the bedroom?

I like to go out in public with her.

Yeah.

Yeah. And you're in Wisconsin and I'm from Michigan. So I know, you know, it's not. That's a great goal and I would love that to happen for you. But I think we could start with just having a talk with her. Do you know what her, like, what do you think would happen right now if you, if you kind of brought this up? How do you. What do you think would happen?

I think she may become upset maybe because I haven't shared this with her.

Yeah. More about that. Right. More about that than even that it exists. Because I'm sure she wants you to be even that you do it, but more like, God, how have you cut this from me? You know?

Right.

And so I think, I think that there's more about. I don't even know that you have to lead with. It's been 20 years. Right away.

I think you can just lead with like, this is something that I've done and I've played with it and it doesn't feel right not to share this part of you with me. And maybe you could explain to her what it makes you feel like when you dress up and how it turns you on. Like put more words around it to her, like what it is about it that makes you feel good. Because again, it's just not. I wouldn't have known that if someone told me that, to be honest, 15 years ago, before I started studying sex, I might be like, what? I don't get it. Wait, does that mean you're gay? Does that mean that you're not attracted to me? It's, you know, it's just new information. So the more you can come armed with, you know, just your story around it and how it relates to intimacy with her, and maybe there's some things, again, that she's been wanting to try and understand that it's not a one time conversation. And so maybe this is like you're laying the groundwork. So.

Okay.

Yeah. How does that sound? Okay, so I think just start talking to her about it in like a, you know, in an open way and then see where it goes. Explain to her that you love her. And she might be upset, but, you know, at first. But I think, again, keep talking about it. Don't abandon her in the process. And I think you guys have been together a long time, that you can figure out a way to make it work. Okay, Joe. All right. Keep me posted though, Joe. Let me know how it goes. I'll be here for you every night. You guys can call us anything. 888-947-827, 788. 94 stars. That's what I love. Because that's a big one. Like, I love that he, you know, 58. He wants to come out to her. And I think, like, I. I totally admire that. And I know. I also understand it's not easy. So what I love is that we are here five nights a week. Like, I'm here so Joe doesn't have to do it all to blow it all night. You know, the conversation blow is what, have the conversations all tonight. But it could be one conversation. And then, then he can call me back and see I can be like, joe, okay, how'd it go? Let me know. And then what happened the next time? I know I can help you all in your journey because sometimes it's just about taking that one step, doing the next right thing that's gonna lead you towards having that pleasure with your partner.

And then do you think once he gets to that point of discussing the actual cross dressing with her, do you think it would be wise of him maybe to be a little transparent about, like, his nervousness of bringing it up?

Absolutely. Yeah. Tell him that's really hard. Like, he's not being cavalier about it. Yeah. This has been so. This is something that's been on my mind, and I love you so much, and I really don't want you to, you know, I know this is. Could come out. You're welcome to have your reaction. I know this could come off as kind of strange and maybe something you've never heard before, and I totally understand it. But I want you to know that I really get a thrill. It really turns me on to wear women's clothes, and it's. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Acknowledge all of that. I think anytime you're talking to your partner about sex for the first time, which I know many of you are, because I hear from you every night, and maybe you don't call in, but you're listening, and you've never done it, and you are absolutely terrified. I think that it's totally okay to say. This is really. I'm nervous. My heart's beating really fast right now. But I really think it's important that we join the same team when it comes to our sex life. And I realize we haven't done that for 20 years or 30 years or two years. And it's so important to me that we have connection and that we have intimacy and that we have better sex. And I don't even know what that means, but I think it's worth a shot to figure it out together. And I'm nervous. Are you nervous? You know, I think the more real and authentic you are, you know, the more people can relate to you and the more intimacy you're gonna have and the more connection. All right, let's talk to who else here? Should we talk to Jimmy?

Yes, we have Jimmy, who is 38 in Indiana, and he needs tips on how to talk to women.

Hey, Jimmy. I like this question.

Good evening. How's everybody doing?

I'm good. I used to get asked this question a lot, and I. And I totally get it. It's not easy talking to women. So tell me. What. Tell me. Ask me specifically. How can I help you?

Well, I. I have a couple different examples. Like, one, like, on, like, dating apps and stuff like that. Like, it seems like. Like, I'm either. Not, like, I'm, like, overly aggressive or anything like that, but, like, either. I'm just really, like. Seems like I'm playing the long game, like, talking. Talking all the time, and then. Then it just goes too long. Or I'm like, hey, you know, maybe we should go out this weekend. And. Yeah, not yet. And then. So, I mean, it's like, I can't really find the.

The medium middle ground.

Well, I think you might get in, like, another one.

Yeah.

Like.

I end up meeting a lot of people, just different places. I was like, I don't know if, like, you know, hey, should I ask for a phone number? Is that even what people do anymore? Like, you know, like, yeah, if you do, you could say your Instagram or what?

Well, a lot of people do Instagram. A lot of people. You could also say, let me give you my number. I'm interested in going out with you. If you want to call me, call me. Like, that's what I've had guys do.

So, yeah, that's something you could do. You could let them know you're interested, and you could also let them know that you're not much of a texter. Here's the thing. We talk about this in the office. I don't want to frigging text on those apps. I don't want to text anybody. So I like to pick up the phone. Or if you are texting on the apps, you could. You could make it, like, you want to make sure that you're, you know, noticing something on their profile and you're. You're sending a first message that reflects that you actually read it. And not just to say, hey, happy we met here. Like, something a little bit clever and then get back to them. But don't let that go on too long. Like, I think that's the thing, the long game. There's no long game in online dating and app dating. I think that you just gotta, like, right away, if there's a connection back and forth, say, hey, let's talk. I'd love to make it, you know, and this might not be popular, everybody, but I like to pick up the phone and talk. Or FaceTime. Even better. And to see, like, do I need. Is this someone I'd be interested in? Because you're all trying to meet someone. So I think it's just more like, you know, you could do the playful banter back and forth a few times, but if it's going on for days, like, no, that's a waste of time. And then you're never gonna see this person. Maybe you'll never see this person. And then you have to, like, think of something clever. And I think that you can cut to the chase and let them know that you want to talk or not talk. That's the thing with dating, I think, online.

Yeah. I think the more direct you are and the more you ask for a plan, like, what are you doing this weekend? Let's get a drink, move it along. And then if they're not interested and they don't get back to you, then, you know, and then you unfollow them or you unmatch them.

Then in real life, people like to talk about themselves. So Ask questions, you know, be a good listener. Compliments.

That help you, Jimmy?

Oh, yeah. So like, like the other day I was. I was getting lunch, and then, like, you know, I was sitting there waiting, and then like, this.

This couple ladies came in, and so I'm just standing there. Then I just, like, happen to look down and I say, oh, hey, nice shoes. And then, you know, she goes on and she's like, oh, these shoes. I got these. Blah, blah, blah, you know, but we had like a little conversation, and then, like, she ended up sitting down, but then she had to come back up to the counter to pick something up, and I was still there. And then she had asked for like a band aid or something like that because she had a small cut. And so then again, I had ended up making another conversation with her about. About her cut or whatever.

Okay, okay.

You know?

Yeah.

Then you could ask her out, like in a situation. In a situation like that. I don't know, you can just be.

Like, I like talking to you. Do you want to grab a coffee? Listen, you say, hey, this was fun talking to you. Do you want to grab a cup of coffee sometime? Can I give you my number?

Do it. Okay, yeah, just do it. Practice. Find your Jimmy voice.

That was a lost opportunity.

Yeah, you know what? It'll only happen once then. Now, you know, and even if it's awkward, like, hey, can I get your number? Just ask. People do it to me all the time. You seem really friendly. You seem like a nice guy. She started talking to you and say, you know what? This was fun. Fine, let's get coffee. Can I get your number? I can give you mine. I've had guys do that. They're like, let me give you my number. Which is kind of like a new thing to do. So they're like, I'll put it in your mind, you know, so I'm not giving you my number, and it puts it in my hands if I'm interested. So it's kind of a nice, non confrontational way to do it.

Okay.

All right. Try some of those things. Let me know how it goes. Jimmy, I'll be here for you. Thanks for calling. All right, guys, I hope you enjoyed the show and let us know, you guys, and share with your friends if you learned something new in this show that really helped you, I promise you it will also help others. So send it along to your friends, your family, whoever needs the advice, and let us know what you think of the show. It also helps when you review it, wherever you listen to it. Thank you for doing that thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristin, Michelle, producer, Jamie and Michael. Hey, was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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