Initiating Sex is a Skill Not a Habit

This episode is brought to you by Nordstrom. Spring calls for a wardrobe refresh, and Nordstrom has the best styles of the season. From dresses and denim to standout tops and accessories, find the trends and essentials that feel right for you. Discover new arrivals from brands you love like WAIF, Princess Polly, Mango, Adidas, and Free People. Plus, free shipping and returns and free styling appointments make everything so easy. Shop in stores at nordstrom.com or download the Nordstrom app. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily Morse, and this July we are celebrating sexual liberation. A part of that for us means reclaiming the sex life you want, how to build your self-confidence in and out of the bedroom, finding new ways to communicate with your partner, especially around who initiates, and how to focus on enjoying the moment instead of your performance. We'll get into that and more. Stay with us. I took a COVID test today and it was weird. Like stick something in your nose and it's, but it's kind of awkward. Remember that initiating sex is actually a skill and a habit. And if you don't have either one of those or experience with it, it's not gonna naturally occur to you. You might always, you might already have a built-in mechanism that's like, well, this isn't a good time. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day. Fourth of July is coming up, so what we're going to be talking about a lot this month is how are you celebrating your sexual liberation, your individual empowerment to be a sexual being? So expect a lot of ways to kind of mix that up and to kind of challenge yourself, challenge your relationship to become even more sexually liberated wherever you're at, with partner, with yourself. 'Cause listen, we might be at home this summer, but I'm still gonna be here from my home talking to you and helping us all make it through this time with a lot, a lot better loving, a lot more loving to ourselves and to others. All right, so this is from, you guys can send your questions to feedback@sexwithemily.com. "Hey, Dr. Emily, my question for you, other than having sex conversations with my significant other, what are some ways to help me and my significant other be more intimate with each other? We both have busy jobs and recently it's affected how we have sex with each other because I want her to express and see how sexy I know she is. Is this just communication between us? Is there something I can do to help her?" So I believe what you're saying here, Scott, is how do I get her to be more into sex and how to initiate sex is what I think you meant here. First off, you said that you're having sex conversations with her. What you're really craving is intimacy. So I just wanna say that I love that you know that about yourself because I think ultimately if you look at it, that's what a lot of us crave. I mean, sure, we wanna have sex, we wanna have the orgasms I spoke about and have the feel-good hormones. And so it sounds like what you might need to do, and this goes for everybody, is that we have to be really specific when we make a request to our partner about something that we want. Especially when it comes to intimacy and your sex life. And so maybe you want her to initiate more. Here's the thing about initiating. There is one partner that always initiates more than the other. And a big thing I hear from people is, how do I get my partner to initiate more? But just telling your partner, for example, you never initiate. Why don't you initiate sex? You know, I really wish you would initiate more. Rarely does that work. And what happens is that one partner becomes resentful because they're waiting. Like, I told you to initiate. And the other partner heard it and then thought, I don't know when, or, you know, you've always done— you know, in their head they're probably thinking, oh yeah, that's a good idea. But remember that initiating sex is actually a skill. And a habit. And if you don't have either one of those or experiencing with— experience with it, it's not going to naturally occur to you. You might always— you might already have a built-in mechanism that's like, well, this isn't a good time to initiate, or, oh, I'll do it after dinner, or I'll do it on Saturday. And since it's something new, it's your edge, it might not happen. So I believe that in a relationship where you're talking about sex and you have a good relationship in all these other areas, that your partner really does wanna please you. And if they said yes, they'll do it, they likely want to. But remember that they might need, you might need to paint a picture for them about what that looks like. So for example, Scott, if you want her to initiate more, you might just need to say to her, you know what? I'd really love if you brought sex to the table. And here's what it looks like. And so this is where we have to give an example. So Scott, you might feel like, you know what, I can't believe she doesn't know that, and does it mean she's never turned on? But listen, it's well documented that women have more of a responsive arousal, meaning we respond to stimuli. Someone coming, you know, seeing something, maybe our partner starts to touch us or cuddle us, and then we get in the mood. But for men, it's more spontaneous, right? So you see your wife and you get an erection. Like, it's literally a spontaneous external, you are turned on. But since it's different for women, it might, especially in your relationship, not all, but it might take a little bit more explanation. So you could say to her, I would love it if you initiated. So the next time, give an example, after dinner, I'd love you to come over and start kissing my neck. The back of my neck and put your arms around me and do that thing that you do. It could just be one thing like that that will signal to her, oh, this is, this is gonna signal to you that I'm trying to initiate sex. And then you gotta go roll with it. It might not be perfect. It might be clunky. But what, what isn't when we're learning a new skill, right? We're never just like excellent at it out of the gate. And taking it from somebody who I had to learn it because I was always having partners initiate. I was like, this is something that I do not do. And it wasn't because I didn't want sex. I just knew it was gonna happen. And if it didn't happen sometimes after I'm with someone for, I'm like, okay. I'm like, okay, we just watch TV here. We did our thing. But I had to have a partner say to me, you never initiate. I was like, goddamn it. Am I that person? I also am not initiating in a relationship and this is my job to tell everybody else to do it. And so I had to hear it. You know, first I'm like, I do. And I thought, oh God, I really haven't lately. And so I just, you know, I really thought about it. And even for me, it is my expertise. I had to think about it before I went to his house. Like, okay, so I'm gonna wear this thing. And I actually, it was really great for me personally because I, tell me if this is familiar, I had all these things that I had bought that made me feel sexy. I had like this really, beautiful, like, black bodysuit that had lace on it. And I had this satin— like, I splurged on it to wear sometime, and I never was in the mood, or I'd forget. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna wear this bodysuit. I'm gonna bring over, you know, I always did this, but like my favorite sex toy or something, whatever it was, whatever I had to try for work that week. And I went there with the intention that I'm going to I'm gonna initiate this. I'm gonna make it happen. And so that's how I started doing it. I really just like walked in the door and I just didn't get distracted because that's another thing I would do. And I'd be like, oh, I'm hungry, or we wanna catch up about our day, or let's do something else. I even remember feeling like, okay, this is gonna be a little bit new for me in this new relationship. And it felt really empowering and it was just a really, you know, and then I liked doing it. I was like, okay, I'm gonna do this more. And so we all know how. It's not that we don't know how, it's that we just, it's vulnerable. Perhaps we're afraid of feeling rejected. You know, I remember this woman I met at a conference and she came up to me and she said, you know what? She said, I never, she'd been married for 20 years and she said, I never initiate and I didn't realize why. And I was teaching in a workshop and she said, it was something that you said, 'cause she'd been listening to the podcast and came to a workshop workshop, and she said, I realized that 20 years ago, when I first got together, my husband and I were newlyweds. She said, I went upstairs and I came down in this like beautiful underwear, like panties and a bra and like garters, which if you've ever worn those, like it's, you don't just whip them on. You got, there's like an awkward clip in the back and in the front, and then there's like a seam and you have to make sure that they don't look awkward because you can't, You can't be sexy if the seam is twisted and they're never even. I mean, we don't just like throw it on and feel sexy. It takes effort. So she's like, I did the whole thing and I put on my lingerie and I put on my best body oil and I walked down the stairs and he was sitting in the study and he was working and he looked at me and I came down. She's like, I've never ever put myself out there And he just looked at her and went back to his work. Like he didn't, he said, I'm still gonna finish up here. And he, she felt he completely ignored her. And she felt so broken from that moment and so vulnerable and so rejected, even though it was her husband, that she said, for all these years, I never tried again. I never initiated again. I mean, this is the thing about our habits. And our behaviors, it just takes one thing. Like sometimes it's one rejection. It's somebody criticizing our body, someone telling us we're not a good kisser, or, you know, we don't, you know, we're not good in bed, anything, criticizing our body. And it just can hurt us so badly in the moment that we completely shut down. We integrate that into our body. So that becomes part of our, like, in a way it's like a trauma response. I mean, for her, I would say that that was like a trauma. It was like an event that's totally changed the rest of the course, you know, of the relationship. And so, and she said that she was finally able to, you know, I can't remember if she released it listening to the podcast or she came to tell me about it, but she said like she, you know, was able to now, you know, bring it up. And she felt like he didn't remember. I think he didn't remember that moment because of course he wouldn't. I mean, he felt so bad. He was like, I, If I had known or remembered, he probably had a deadline for work. He was stressed out. You know how it is. I've been there. I don't see what's happening when I'm at the computer and I'm caught up. And so, you know, what this points out is a lot of things, not only about initiating sex, but that there could be something that happens in a moment, in a flash, and we feel vulnerable, we feel rejected, compromised, and we just go into our, we do what we always did, right? Maybe we were criticized as a child, criticized in high school, something happened and we just either shut down, you know, we retreat, we get anxious about it. And so if we don't feel safe that we're in a relationship where we feel safe, you know, dealing with conflict and bringing it up to our partner, there's like a very fine line. There's like a moment there where you're like, I'm just gonna take this, it's very familiar, I'm being ignored, I'm not being seen. And if I had her here, I would say to her that that's probably a familiar scenario. You know, maybe her dad came home from work and never, you know, she felt very unseen, or maybe she was always looked over for, you know, something in school. And as a result, that something can happen that mimics that very early experience, and we just do the same thing. And so the trick in a relationship, in any kind of relationship, I mean, this could happen at work, with a friend, is that you, in that moment, where you realize that something's happening, and this is like a somatic experience, you can learn to kind of feel these things in your body sometimes, like this is my anxiety feeling, this is my breath quickening. You can stop and say, oh, it's that thing. It's, I'm feeling uncomfortable, what is it? Oh, it's the way I just felt unseen. And then you could turn to your partner and say, you know, maybe it's not even in that moment, it could be the next day, but not 20 years later. You say when you guys are in a, you know, my rules for communicating about things that are challenging are the same across the board. Timing, turf, and tone. You wanna make sure that it's the right time, you're in the right place, and you are doing it with the right tone. And the right tone is always, always, always, always leading with curiosity and calm, and just sort of, hey, let's have a conversation about something. You know, I just wanna talk to you for a minute. Maybe you're going for a walk or you've just finished a good meal. You could say, you know, last night I came down the stairs and I was really excited because I had put on this thing that made me feel really sexy. And I noticed you were at your computer and you looked at me and the way you just turned back around, it made me feel really unseen, or like you didn't find me sexy anymore. And imagine if she had said that to him, you know, and no one can argue with your feelings. So first off, what I'm saying is you always, you don't wanna say, you never look at me and you ignore me, but just when this happened, it made me feel blank. That is just communication 101. Now nobody can argue with your feelings. He can't say you didn't feel that, right? And so then in the moment there, you know, he could say, well, I don't remember that, or I didn't see it. I mean, sure, I'm not saying they're all gonna go, it's gonna be what could happen after that, you know, he might've said, oh wow, I didn't even see you, which could feel bad, but that's just at least if your answer, he didn't think you didn't look sexy, he didn't think you looked ridiculous, 'cause that was part of it. She's like, maybe I looked ridiculous, or he knew I gained weight, or he wasn't attracted to me anymore, right? We go to there, we think I'm being rejected for sex, my partner just rejected my advances, and so therefore I am not lovable, I'm not attractive. But he would have said, oh babe, no, I would please, like, maybe he would have said, I'm so sorry. Let's show me right now. I had that deadline. I was talking in my, you know, whatever, I had something going on. And that's how you repair. Like that's when we talk about repair in a relationship. And I believe that relationships are not actually about perfection and about getting along all the time. In fact, if you're in a relationship, you're like, we never fight, there's a problem. If you never have conflict, they're not about perfection, they're about repair. They're not about everything being great, they're about how do we repair when we get into a fight or an argument? How do we communicate? Like, how do we resolve conflict? Because that should be literally your, your, your, If you don't have those skills right now, you don't know how to repair an argument or talk about your feelings, that's where your focus should be. And once you learn, it's a skill, right? It's like it transfers to every other area of your life. It transfers to sex conversations, your work conversations, everywhere. So Scott, there's your answer. We're gonna take a quick break, but stay tuned for more Sex with Emily Morse. Let's talk to Kyle, 21, in Tennessee. Kyle, what's going on? Thanks for calling.

Hi, how are you doing?

I'm great, Kyle. Good to hear from you. What's going on?

So I've been seeing this girl for a few weeks now, and I really think she could be the one. And we haven't had the chance to have sex yet. And I feel like every time we get there, I get real nervous. And I feel like if I don't please her, she may not want to stay with me. And I just need to figure out, like, how I can calm these nerves and just be myself with her.

Okay. Wait, what has happened so far? Or nothing? You haven't seen her yet?

Well, we've kind of— we've gone on a few dates. When we go back to the house, we start to get serious. And every single time, like, I get— I get too nervous. I feel like I'm not going to be able to perform to her standard because she's really pretty, and it's like I can't live up to those expectations.

And then what happens?

I just— I kind of pull out, and I don't keep going and keep playing with her.

You just got to go in with the notion like, I'm going to make her feel good. I'm going to please her and see what she wants.

Should I go down on her for a while to start? Just to kind of maybe calm the nerves?

Absolutely, Kyle. This is what I always recommend.

I'm not going to please her.

Yeah, exactly, Kyle. Listen, whenever you're in your head, that's exactly what's happening. But I promise you, there is nothing like getting your, your, your confidence because you're talking about confidence. And Kyle, just know that no one at 21— the guys who think they're confident at 21, I'm telling you, if I could go back to my 20s, they didn't— it's like a false confidence. Like, yeah, women like when I pound away at them and that feels good. I'm telling you. So you just haven't had enough years on the planet yet of having sex that you would feel confident. So just know You're where most— many people are at your age. So you're not like behind the 8-ball. There's no problem here. It's just like it's a new thing and she's a new partner for you. So you're always gonna lead with giving, especially when it comes to sex. So if you go in, you're like, I just wanna look at you, I wanna undress you, I wanna go down on you, I wanna finger you. I mean, ask her what turns her on. And then once you are pleasing her, that's how you get your confidence up. You're like, oh, I got this. You know, she's feeling good right now. And then you'll be more focused on her pleasure. And then you won't have been in your head the last 15 minutes getting undressed and then worrying the same thing's gonna happen again. So absolutely. And also we know that you get nervous, especially like in our 20s, like guys are nervous. Women are nervous too, but they don't have to perform like men do. They just feel like show up, have an erection. You know, it happens, Kyle. I think just— and if it happens and you start to get nervous again, just say, you know, I want to take a few deep breaths here. Like, I think you're so hot. I mean, telling you to keep telling her how hot she is and how attracted you are and you just want to please her, take a beat. It's okay. But I would ask what feels good to her.

So next time I get in my head, I'm just gonna— I'm just gonna go through and look at her and just do everything I can. I'm gonna go down on her and just— and just pleasure her. Until like I get the confidence to get in there.

Yes, exactly, Kyle. That's what you're gonna do. That is, that will work, I'm telling you. It's also a beautiful resolution here for the whole thing because I'm telling you, she typically, women, you know, take longer to get aroused than men. So that's why, you know, one of the best books about sex, which you should, could order it right now, it's called She Comes First. And, uh, it's a great book written by Dr. Ian Kerner, you know, renowned sex therapist, like 20 years ago. And essentially, it's not just because women first, women are better. It's like literally the way we are, we are built, right? Our genitalia are such that we— there's an orgasm gap. It can take women 20 to 40 minutes to have an orgasm, get aroused. But for men, you know, Kyle, you know, you get turned on and you're ready to go.

Oh yeah, I, I get aroused faster than anyone I know. It's insane.

Kyle.

Yeah, yeah, that's so true.

That's what happens. That's what's up. So this is just totally normal, typical, and you're exactly where you need to be at 21 years old. In fact, men don't know this at 40.

So much. Thanks for having me on. Of course.

Yeah, Kyle, thanks. Call back, let me know how it goes. I'm here for you every night. Let me know, okay? This is what I love, is that now I want to hear, right? I'm invested in Kyle now. Look, we just sent him off into the world to be a great young lover. It's July. I know we're gonna be talking about, you know, how you can sexually liberate yourself this month. Different things you wanna try. Make it interesting. You know, a lot of us aren't going far from home, like literally. He might just be taking out the trash this weekend. So in the spirit of Independence Day, I want to focus on sexual liberation all month. What does it actually mean to be sexually liberated? So before you can even liberate from your sex life, or to liberate yourself sexually, you have to think about what is What is my relationship with sex right now? With my partner, with myself? Do I still have a lot of shame, body shame, or shame around even being a sexual being, a sexual person? Maybe there's been some trauma that you've gone through that hasn't been resolved yet. I mean, all these things that I'm saying too, and talking about open relationships, again, I should have said this caveat that of course, if one of you in the relationship isn't in a healthy place. You haven't done work on trauma. You are still feeling a lot of shame around it. You haven't been able to even talk about it. If you've never talked about sex with your partner or explored, you don't just open up with a, let's swing this weekend, let's have a threesome. There's some more groundwork to do. And that's what sexual liberation is about, is that I'm gonna be giving you tools all month long, but also just even right now to think about it, to kind of Put it, you know, what do I mean by it? Where are you feeling closed off? Where are you stuck right now? Where are you feeling that sexually you could use a little bit of work? You know, you could say, you know, I've always wanted to try this thing or try something with my partner, but you know, maybe I haven't gotten up the courage yet. Is there something you've always wanted to try, but you haven't gotten up the courage yet? Where are you stuck right now? Where can I help you liberate sexually? Now, maybe you are with yourself and without a partner now, Or maybe it's a lifestyle. I feel like I'm in that lifestyle right now. I'm in a lifestyle without a partner. And where could I liberate you around self-pleasure? Where can I liberate you around masturbation or fantasies or things that you've been wanting to try? Because we have a lot of time. I said this at the beginning of COVID but now we're going on like month 28 or something. It's like, we've got time to actually explore right now. All the things I talk about, about opening up sexually and masturbating, you know, to liberate yourself sexually? How do you wanna touch yourself differently? You know, maybe it's time to buy a toy. Sex toy market is booming right now, by the way. It wasn't just a notion. It wasn't just a hint. It wasn't just a, maybe people buy more sex toys. They are certifiably saying, this is the time. I can invest in a bunch of new other things right now, but I'm gonna invest in my pleasure. And that's what I want you to do right now. Even if it's not buying anything, it's not, you don't have to monetarily invest in your sex life. But you can say, I'm gonna invest in changing up the way I think about my sex life. I'm gonna liberate myself from the sexual jail I've been living in my entire life, the last few months, however long you've been in a place where you don't feel that you deserve the, the pleasure, that pleasure is not your birthright. Cuz I believe it's all of our birthright. Like pleasure is our birthright. We all get to explore, we all get to experience more joy in our life. And I don't think that we do that enough at all. And sex is like something that we can all do. We can all please ourselves. At the very least, we can all, you know, orgasm is actually, it's healthy, it's good for us, boosts our mood, our immune system. And I think we could all use a little immune boost. So liberating could also mean, okay, so maybe you're like, you know, Emily, I got no hangups. We're good. We're good. We're healthy. We're having sex regularly. Maybe you just wanna talk to your partner about how do I explore toys right now? How do I, you know, I wanna play with some anal sex. I want you to anally penetrate me. I wanna explore some BDSM. You know, some dominant submission, some role-playing, you know, what is holding you back from that happening? I just wanna know, I'm actually really curious why we're not going there. Like, what is it? So we're gonna declare sexual independence. And, you know, we do this during Masturbation Month, but I think we should do it now, just with my, even with my team, if they're so willing to speak up. What could you do? And all the things I just said to you, is there something that you thought, huh, a light bulb went on? You thought, I'm gonna liberate myself sexually this month and I'm going to blank. That's a good point. I'm gonna tell my partner what I want this month. That I think that we should blank. Who wants to speak? Oh, Amanda. Tell me, Amanda. Hi.

What I struggled with is caring too much about what I look like during sex and focusing on like the faces I'm making or what my body looks like, or just being so preoccupied with that that I totally forget to enjoy the moment. And so that's something I really want to work on, is not performing but experiencing.

Thank you for sharing that, because I think that is so relatable. Is that something that you have been thinking about for a while, Amanda, or did it just—

Yeah, I think it was something I kind of just grew up thinking, especially in high school and college. I just put so much emphasis on using sex to make my partners like me more or to get them to want to be with me. It seems more like a tool for validation.

Yeah, performative.

I got older, I was like, no, that's not how it has to be.

Yeah, you're absolutely right. It's so relatable. I think that, and also I was socialized that way too, you know, that it was about you know, we don't wanna make this weird orgasm face, or we wanna make sure that we look good and we're like, everything's shaved and in place. And we look at porn and think, well, that's how it's supposed to happen and stuff. So what do you think you could do? What could you do, you think? What would be a first step? Or I could also help you think about it, but I think just saying it is the first step. But—

Yeah, of course.

Mindful? Mindful?

Yes, mindful. I think that was one of the big things that even just like developing a yoga practice and like learning that mindfulness was a thing, was really helpful because then I could kind of hone in on my body and like really enjoy and be present in my experience. And then once I realized that that actually enhanced the connection, because a partner worth being is going to want you— yeah, a partner worth being with is going to want you to enjoy yourself. So that, that helps.

Yeah, no, you're right. That's such a— that's so true, is that We think, because we have no other place to learn this, that it's all about appearance. Such a— it's just another thing that's wrong with our culture, it's like, in society, societal norms, that we'd have to look a certain way and feel a certain way. And then if we've only seen porn, we have all these ways that we think we have to be, but no one tells you that actually people, the people who are like you, Amanda, if you're having sex with somebody, that when you actually get you get past all that and you're really in your body and you're really experiencing pleasure and you don't give a shit who's watching, who's seeing you, you are truly in your body, you're embodied. That is the sexiest thing on the planet. And once you were able to get there, what I found on my own, I actually think it's a good weeding process. 'Cause let's just say a partner said, oh God, you were really, oh, you really had an orgasm there. You were really inside. Yeah, I love that. Like, you know, if there's judgment, I'm like, I'm so glad you did that because you were out the door. You know, for example, like if someone judges you for that or isn't, they're not your person. And I don't even know that people consciously know that, but I think the lovers that you'd want to be with, Amanda, and I'd want to be with would be the ones that would just, you know, that had a heart, that just responded to it and were like encouraging that and saying like, I love that you love sex so much, that you're so into your body. That's so hot, right? You get that kind of encouragement. But Amanda, were you ever with someone that had maybe shamed you, or was there anything that ever happened where you felt— because I know for, you know, I've had guys, oh, you're orgasm face, so you're really loud. I'm like, yep, you better tell your neighbors, you know. Yeah, I'm like, you know.

So yeah, what's funny is I wasn't— I don't think so, which is, which is interesting to why that idea sort of manifested in my head. I think maybe when I was younger, like in college, I was shamed for not like shaving my legs, which is ridiculous. But it's something that with age and experience that I've really started to try to take control over. And it's still on my mind for sure, which is why I think this month of sexual liberation, that's going to be an intentional focus of mine.

I love it. Thank you, Amanda. Happy Fourth of July. All right, Business with Emily. Find me Monday through Friday from 5 to 7 PM Pacific on SiriusXM Stars for even more awesome sex talk calls and segments. It's a great time. You can find more at sexwithemily.com/sxm. Also follow me on all social media. It is Sex with Emily across the board. Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.