Is That A Red Flag In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Okay, so let's talk about one of.

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Your kids are home from school. You thought that your kids would be back at school right now. They're still not back at school? Nope. They're still there. They're still home. What do you want? What patterns are repeating for you? Have you found yourself settling in relationships that don't work for you? He's not boyfriend material. Like, I'm exhausted. He's that boyfriend material. He hasn't dated in 15 years, so he says his daughter's 20. Like, to me, couples who don't argue and don't have conflict have bigger problems than many of us. It's time for some controversy.

A non confrontational type of person. I mean, she tries to avoid controversy at all costs.

Well, how's that going?

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Today is kiss and make up day.

And so it got me thinking about those relationships. Have you been in one of those relationships where you are constantly fighting and then making up and then you're fighting again and then you actually get into like this toxic cycle where the best times are when you're making up.

We call those toxic relationships, which is a term that's been thrown around a lot. Toxic relationships. Dating a narcissist, somebody who is emotionally unavailable. But what do all those terms mean? What does it mean if you know you're with somebody who's really unhealthy, or you ha. You're in a consistent dating pattern, and you just say, oh, everyone I meet is emotionally unavailable, or I keep dating narcissists. And then people might ask you, too, for your pattern. You're like, I just don't know what's wrong with me. I just keep dating the wrong people. And I used to say things like that as well, till I started to learn this stuff right when you study it. But what I realized, for me personally, that I used to think that people I dated were emotionally unavailable, for example, and then I realized that I wasn't that available either. I might have been the one that was emotionally unavailable. And typically, when we're in these kind of relationships, we tend to sort of blame our partners and, like, what's wrong with me? Or everyone's messed up. But what I'm gonna tell you is you're gonna keep repeating those patterns forever until you say, okay, I'm gonna stop dating. I'm gonna. Or I'm gonna work on this with my partner. I'm gonna work on myself and then go back to my partner. If you're still in a relationship, which is awesome. Cause there's always gonna be patterns. So when I talk about doing the work, I'm talking about, what is my pattern? What do I keep repeating? There was this study, and the headline of it is like, is a messy relationship better than no relationship? And it goes on to look at this perfectionist pattern that some of us might have. You know, you. You have really high expectations. And in some ways, I feel like I. A lot of us. All this stuff is a spectrum. Like, they even say that everyone's on the spectrum of narcissism, or the spectrum. Some things you want to be perfect and not others. But if you're highly perfectionistic, I think if you walk around thinking that everything has to be perfect in your life, you probably already know personally, it can be destructive. But are you in a relationship where you have a pattern and you really want your partner to be perfect all the time? This is what this study talks about. So to explain this to you. Well, first let me say there are daily sources of irritation in every relationship. Like, you know, your partner forgets your anniversary. You know, your vacations are always you know, not fun for some reason, you're picking the wrong places. But I think just first off, knowing that relationships aren't gonna be perfect. I mean, if you still think, oh, everything should be perfect, and when it's not, I leave. I think we all have this ideal, like this expectations that relationships are supposed to be perfect, or maybe we're still single because we keep thinking this. So I think this is going to be helpful for everybody. So this study was done in Italy. They talked about how perfectionism can negatively impact your relationship. What they found is that if you have other oriented perfectionism, meaning you become angry or hostile towards the partner that you think is falling short.

Now that is contrast to self oriented perfectionism where we're like so hard on ourselves, which I can relate to, that I'm very hard on myself to the point where that's all. I mean, all perfectionism has its challenges. And then the third form of perfectionism is when you try to live up to unrealistic standards of what you think is expected to by society. So here it is. You either blame your partner for not being perfect, blame yourself for not being perfect, or you're trying to live up because you think everyone else is happy and the rest of society has an idea of what you should be doing and you constantly feel like you're not enough. But it's this other oriented perfectionism that you know is a problem in relationships. So it's the belief that your partner needs to meet your expectations and, and they should, they should do everything you want. They should, they should. You know.

Like if your partner does something, you expect that it should be done flawlessly. And these are the people that they say have these high personality traits. So people who are very high on this partner needs to be perfect scale, they tend to be low in agreeableness. I love that word. They're not very nice. They're kind of assholes. They are constantly getting out of relationships because they're not working and they keep leaving relationships because they can't find long term fulfillment. And I was just thinking, gosh, you know.

First of all, this totally like struck a chord. And then, you know, I was thinking about the term like someone being emotionally unavailable, right? And then I thought, I used to always say that. And there's all this stuff about narcissism, people being emotionally unavailable. Well, what does it mean if someone's. Because, well, the study's interesting. Like, yeah, maybe that's your partner and you could blame your partner for being that way. But what are the traits that you are Reflecting. So, for example, how do you know if someone's emotionally unavailable? Well, first, maybe they're just not available. Okay, they're not available at all. Meaning they're constantly dropping little breadcrumbs. They, they're not totally committing to the relationship. They don't really introduce you to anybody in their life. The other thing is, like, they probably might. They. Maybe they invalidate your feelings. They're always saying that you, you know, and this is also a form of gaslighting, which is also a very common term right now. Somebody who constantly is telling you that you're wrong. They discredit everything that you say, especially your feelings. They don't allow you to validate your feelings. Like, you'll say, I'm feeling upset. You can't possibly be upset about that. Well, you forgot my birthday again. Oh, I didn't forget it. How could you say that? So they're making you feel crazy. They play games. That's another thing. If you're with game players, right? They're just constantly playing games. They're not texting you, they're making vague plans with you. They're a little bit flaky. We call it breadcrumbing. They call that in the dating world. Like, they keep, like every two weeks they send you a text, right? They stay in your life just enough that keeps you hooked. Like they're giving you a little breadcrumb, but then they pull away. They avoid conflict. You know, they, they constantly, like, you know, you bring something up, they deflect it. You try to have a conversation about something, they tell you not to worry. They just avoid disagreements. These are all characteristics of a someone who's emotionally unavailable and maybe even a little bit toxic. They're very defensive. God, defensiveness drives me crazy. Defensiveness, a passive aggressiveness, that's another one. You, like, cannot have a conversation with them. You know, body language is another thing. You know, our body language is a very, is a very big indicator. It's really only like 20 to 30% of the words we say. But it's our body language. Maybe they're eye rolling or they turn away from you. Tune into their body language. Do they never make eye contact? Have you ever been with those people who. They never make eye contact? Like, no wonder why you feel like they're emotionally unavailable because you actually literally don't feel connected to them. I mean, the eyes are such a. It's such. So intimate to actually be looking into someone's eyes and having a conversation. But if, like, you're with them and you're like, why do I feel alone when I'm with them? Maybe they're not making eye contact. You know, they don't respect your time. Maybe they're always late. These are all signs of those relationships that probably didn't work. And you don't need all of these traits. It's just a few of these traits. So they're not making time for you. When they do make time for you, they're. They're late or they cancel, or they assume you're going to be ready at the very last minute whenever they want be ready. Sometimes these people make you do all the work in the relationship, so they're the ones waiting for you to plan and to make the next thing happen to make the relationship exciting. And they seem selfish. God, these are like, so many people that I know. I'm reading these and I have these traits. Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect. But my point here is talking about relationships where we're constantly blaming others and we're like, everyone's messed up. Or, you know, I know for me personally, if I'm dating somebody right now, and again, I've done everything that you've done. I've been in this place where I'm like, oh, they were an asshole, or they were a jerk, and then I move on. But we come to realize is that relationships, whether you're just dating three times or dating for three years or dating for your. Your life, it is such an incredible place to actually learn about yourself in relation to someone else. So think about it this way. It's a relationship. How are you related? How does it make you think about who you are in relation to this person? Cause if you're alone a lot or you're not in relationships, sure, you can learn, but that's where we're really gonna do a lot of it. So if you're going through a breakup now, which I have a sense, there's a lot of COVID casualties. I've just been hearing it around that people just. They're not making it through these times. We're all really kind of stressed out right now, and you can't. You know, the weird thing about COVID is that everybody is impacted. Like, I don't know anybody who hasn't in some way, shape or form been impacted by the economy, their jobs, their family, stress of being with a partner at home. Or maybe your partner's an essential worker and they've been out, and then that's stressful. Your kids are home from school. You thought that your Kids would be back at school right now. They're still not back at school. Nope. They're still there. They're still home. You know, maybe someone, you know, got sick, has Covid. So in a sense, we're all going through this collective trauma. And I know trauma is another term that's thrown around a lot, but when you are in a trauma, it's almost impossible to analyze a trauma, to understand the trauma, to process the trauma. When you're in a trauma, you can't, like, process it. Right. If you've ever been through anything traumatic, it could be like a car accident, or it could be, you know, rejection. It could be, you know, assault, something. You, you, you typically go into a phase of being, you know, numb or deflecting. And so when we're all in it, it can be really hard to be dealing with our own discontent right now and, and dealing with, you know, a partner. And so I think that this is the time that we can all, you know, so that's why I think a lot of relationships aren't making it right now, but. But maybe you are making it, but you're trying to figure out how to make it work. And so I think that doing some of this work and saying, like, is this person someone I can be with? Because, like, if you're not getting your needs met, like, let's say you're with someone who is super perfectionist. Go. Going back to this study, it says that people who are super partner oriented, perfection, meaning they want you to be perfect, they never do anything wrong. It's always your fault. There's not time for you. Their standards are really high. They always deflect, deflect, deflect. It's always your fault. I mean, those. How much longer are you gonna stay in a relationship that doesn't make you feel great? I think those are the questions you have to ask yourself. How long are you willing to stay in a relationship that feels this way? And if. And I'm not saying you should just walk out the door with somebody and say, oh, I'm done. You know, Emily said this shouldn't work and I should leave. No, this is the time where you're like, this has been going on for a few months, a few years. I don't want to go another day feeling that my needs aren't being met, that I'm not being heard, that someone's treating me poorly. And if that's the case, then you decide today. Today is the day that I'm gonna do one thing different. I'm going to tell my partner in a loving way, like I always talk about on the show, in a curious way, in an open way, say, what do you think we could do? I feel there's been a lot of tension. Perhaps we should see a therapist. You know how I feel about therapy. I think that every couple, especially if you've gotten to this point where you're driving each other insane or just you're. You're fed up with something that's happening, I think that therapy is probably the only way you're gonna know, is this person right for me? Is this person wrong for me? We often think that we're gonna change the person, right? Like, you can. You can change someone. Well, my partner's emotionally unavailable, but they're gonna change their behavior. They're gonna become aware of it. They're gonna. I'm gonna be the one they open up to. Because I saw it that one time. Or they were really open the first two weeks of our relationship, or I heard they were open in their last relationship. But remember this, that people don't change unless they want to change. Like, if someone does not change in three years and they're not interested in either talking about the problems in the relationship, they're not interested even admitting there's a problem or seeing their part in it. Like, how much longer are you going to wait? I remember this woman was, like, 39, and she. Did she want to have kids? But they couldn't even agree upon, like, how to train the dog. They couldn't agree upon, you know, if he should get a job or not. It was just. It's just we're constantly. I guess that's why I'm here to help you all kind of figure your way. Like, what is this? Because you also realize now life is short.

Life is short. Especially now you realize what's important to me, what isn't important to me. Who do I value? Do I want to keep going in this place? So I'm just saying, if you're in a place that is unhealthy right now, what are you going to do to fix it? I'm just wondering, like, how much longer are you going to stay in a place that doesn't serve you? And also, though, are you in a place where you're expecting it, that your partner's perfect? Like, you are this per. Maybe you're the person who constantly is blaming your partner for not being perfect, but maybe your partner's doing that to you. I just think that wherever we were at before this whole Covid thing, that Maybe we're still, you know. Oh. Things have become more exasperated. I think that Covid makes it like how you do Covid. I was saying at the beginning is how you do everything. It's more like whatever problems we had early on, it might even be blown up right now. Let's talk to Darrell, 60. His relationship needs aren't being met. What's going on, Darrell?

I was just listening to the show. I was driving and I'm listening to what you were saying, and it just really, it. I'm like, wow, that's me. And without going to a lot of details, I mean, there's a lot of things, you know, like, communication just kind of went sideways. I mean, when we try to talk, she'll say what she has to say and that's it. She doesn't want. And if it's always confrontational. And there's things that I guess the biggest interest, because we've been dating, we were engaged and we would date. We're still dating. But she asked me, I guess, about three, four years ago, what is it sexually that you miss or that you like? And I told. I really like this when you do this, this, then the other. And she's nothing. She stopped. And I'm like, okay, so it's like, so why did you ask me if you were a lot of things that. It's like, if she finds I don't like something, she has an excuse not to do it.

Oh.

And, you know, and I'm listening and everything, and there's a lot of stuff going on. And one thing you said about breadcrumbs, and I'm sitting here and I'm just shaking my head like, wow. Because we've been going through something. And she gave me this real nice heartfelt card. And I'm like, wow, that's what I've been waiting on. That's kind of what I've been wanting to hear. And then it's like, you know, it's kind of like, no follow up.

Yes. She's just doing enough to keep you. How long have you been together, Darryl?

We've been together about eight years.

Okay.

You know, we got. We got engaged and I really love her. We went through our little. You know, I tried therapy, and it was. It was. It seemed to be kind of all about me, my shortcomings and everything. And so I kind of backed away, but.

Huh.

Yeah, this is what I'm talking about. It's all about you. Okay, keep going.

Yeah, yeah. It's all about her. And another thing, I asked her and this is another thing that kind of got me one day. For Sweetie's Day, I asked, I don't want anything for Sweetie's Day. I want you to write me a letter and tell me how you feel about me. Because I'm always giving her cars just because flowers and stuff like that. I said, I want you to sit down and write a letter from your heart and tell me how you feel about me. To this day, I've never gotten a letter. But when we were going through therapy, I was doing something in her room. She told me to look for something. I found the notebook, and I kind of peaked. And she was right. I didn't read all of it, but I read enough. And it was interesting to me that you can't write a letter to me, but you can sit down and write a letter about me.

Okay.

You know?

Yeah.

I mean, so what do you need from her? Like, here's the thing. It's been eight years, Daryl. You're 60 years old. What do you need?

Peace of mind and affection. That's it. I mean, because if I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do and, you know, she'll say she's happy and stuff like that, but she doesn't show it, you know, like, I get dressed to go to work out or put some cologne on, and she'll make a comment, but I don't want you smelling good for all those other women and stuff like that. But yet when I'm around you, I get very little or any affection.

Yeah, you need words of affirmation and physical touch. Yeah, that's your love language. I can already tell. You need words of affirmation and you need physical touch. And she's not giving you these essential things that you need and you don't feel love.

Exactly. And as far as the sex and everything, if I don't initiate it, it won't happen.

Right.

If she wanted to. There was never a problem with that. But now if I don't initiate it, does it happen? And it's like I'm. I'm just inducting, like you said.

What happened to the therapy?

The therapy? We went a few times, and there was some things that they pointed out that, you know, I could kind of see me doing. I'm like, okay, I'll work on that. I'll work on that. And then, you know, it got to be expensive, and we had to stop working. I was paying for it. And finances. That's a whole nother topic. I can go back with another show.

Okay, so you're paying for everything, and you're not getting any of your basic needs met, and it's all your fault. And you actually are using the words that you are trying to make change you're trying to do. And again, there's two sides every story. I'm not taking your side over your girlfriends. I don't know her. I haven't met her. But it sounds to me like you need to know that she is making efforts in some area and she's not just gaslighting you and saying it's all about you.

Exactly. Exactly. You know, because that's the thing I'm gonna say we had a big blow up about two weeks ago, and I'm like, you know, it would be nice if we could sit down and have a conversation and be like, you know, okay, I hear what you saying, and I'll try to work on it. I hear what you saying, but it's always what I'm not.

It's been eight years, Darrel. Darryl, it's been eight years. And I don't think that people change unless they make efforts towards changing. Unless she says, you're right, I'm gonna work on it. But she hasn't made any of these changes. She wrote you one card, and it's not gonna change. So, Darrel, what do you want? What patterns are repeating for you? Have you found yourself settling in relationships that don't work for you? Was this something that was modeled in your home, perhaps growing up, where you're. Someone settled for something? Usually it goes back and back, but what do you want right now? What do you need? Because people don't change. You're 60. I don't know how old she is, but we don't change that much. Especially now. Like, you should have be with someone who appreciates you, who tells you you look sexy and they initiate and they make you feel good in these basic ways that you need. If I didn't have a partner that gave me words of affirmation or touch me, I'd be out. So you knew what you need, Daryl. Yeah, I gotta take a break. Darrell, what are you gonna do in your relationship? What can you do tonight that's different?

Tonight I can. I can start by saying, you know, it's what do I want, what do I need? And where can. How can I get it?

Yeah. You could say, we're gonna give us two months, and I'm gonna write down the date. These are the things that I need. I wouldn't say to her like, you gotta stop. No one hears at that but would say, I think we need to have an honest talk about our relationship. I want it to be healthy. It seems like it's been very contentious. I'm not getting my needs met. You don't seem happy. And here's what needs to change. Otherwise, I think we both need to find partners that make us the most, most satisfied. Now she starts yelling and screaming, then you got to go back to therapy. If you still want to make it work or you leave, try to have a healthy conversation without blaming or shaming and putting anyone on the defensive. That's your assignment. Thanks, Daryl. Thanks for calling.

Appreciate it.

Love it. Stick around for more sex with Emily after the break.

I read this study about people who are perfectionists. They tend to be perfectionists with their partner. Like, your partner has to be perfect everything, and those relationships don't work. But then I'm talking about toxic relationships. And then I woke up. I got this question on Instagram this morning. This is where I just was like, oh, we gotta talk about this tonight. I love when you guys send me questions. Cause sometimes I'm just like, this is just hits the spot. She says, I'm dating someone who hasn't dated in 15 years. After his divorce, he said it was to focus on raising his daughter, who is now 20. My question is, how do you date someone who hasn't dated in that long and is pretty comfortable in his life? He tells me he's not boyfriend material. He's not looking for anything, but his actions tell me otherwise. I feel like he's worth sticking with the roller coaster. But how do I know when to listen to what he's saying versus actions? Listening to the words, Words versus actions. Words versus actions. We're going to come back to that. We aren't great communicators with words. I'm 27 and he is 44. I mean, I was like, oh, wow. I think if she just went back and read this, she'd be like, whoa, these are not good signs. Because I'm reading this going, who cares? Listen. Actions and words are important. I think they're both important. But where we get tripped up is if we only listen to the words and we only listen to the actions, they all tell a story. So he's actually telling you he's not boyfriend material and he's not great with words, but his actions are telling you otherwise. Are his actions that he wants to see you and have sex all the time? Are his actions that he's. Maybe he's breadcrumbing and he's Calling you once a week for a date, but you want more, but you can't ask for more because he's told you he's not available. It's like, I'd love to see all these actions that he's doing. Like, I'd love to know all the actions that this 44 year old guy that's telling you he's not available and you're 27. I want him to see all the actions that are making you think that you should ride this roller coaster. I was riding a roller coaster reading this Instagram question this morning. I'm like, he's that boyfriend material. Like, I'm exhausted. He's that boyfriend material. He hasn't dated in 15 years, so he says his daughter's 20. So first off, it's not true. Like he's telling you that he hasn't dated. I mean, it might be true that he hasn't dated, but for whatever reason now he's in a pattern of not dating and isn't ready to date again. But it's like when people show you who they are, believe them. If someone is emotionally unavailable, there's probably something that's not available in you. Like, what part of you 27 year old woman shouldn't say her name, but what part of you thinks that you deserve this or is interesting to you? Like, we don't even realize sometimes that we get caught up in the roller coaster of a relationship if you're just kissing and making up or you're just right, like your relationship is built on these little carrots that your partner is like dropping for you along the way.

First off, you don't deserve that behavior. But also like, what part of you thinks that you do deserve it? And how much longer are you going to stay in a relationship where you feel like somebody isn't present for you, you know, isn't fulfilling your needs, isn't taking care of you and it's kind of a waste of your time and energy. So also, like, I'm not saying that even the age difference isn't great, right? You're 27, he's 44. I mean, really, believe me, relationships work with age differences, but not as often as ones with fewer years of a difference. But like, if someone literally says to you, I don't want a relationship, you better believe that he is not boyfriend material. Like, which part of that didn't you understand? He said to you, I am not Boyfri and you're writing me. Do you think I should wait for him to change his mind and Become a boyfriend. And he's not a great communicator. So you think one day. It's like, we think that one day they're gonna wake up and be like, I. He's gonna get on one knee like, you know, a Cinderella, and he's gonna come up with the glass slipper. Be like, I. You are the one. I am boyfriend material. That doesn't happen. But we're living off of these fantasies of what we think is gonna happen. I mean, unless someone's actively working towards making a change. Like, they're like, he's like, you're right. I'm not boyfriend material. But I'd like to get to be a boyfriend. I'd like to get to be. To the place where I could be committed. But I have, like. What he could say is, you know, but I have these kind of commitment issues. And I realize I haven't dated in so long, so I have. I have fear of intimacy. Like, maybe you could say that. Or I'm trying to figure it out, because I'd like to one day be a boyfriend. Like, maybe I could say, okay, but there's nothing. He's like, I am shut down for business. I am not your boyfriend, but I'll have sex with you. My actions will show that. So we all just gotta pay attention. Thing I want to circle back to. It's not that everyone's assholes. Like, he's not an asshole. I like this guy. He is telling you. He's telling you, I. I'm not available. Like, to me, that's kind. But what is it in you that is sticking with people who aren't meeting your needs? Like, why are we allowing ourselves to be in relationships? We're constantly trying to make them work. I'm just curious. Like, you got to do our own work, because then that won't keep happening. Right? Be the person you want to find. All right, I'm gonna take a break. Don't go anywhere. We've got so much more to talk about after this break.

Let's talk to John, 53, in Connecticut.

Hi, John.

Thanks for calling and holding. What's going on?

Hi.

How you doing, Dr. Emily?

I'm good, John. What's up? Tell me everything.

My wife and I have been married for 28 years. If I get a little emotional, I'm not trying to.

Trust me, okay?

I'm here for you, John.

Overall, we have, I think, a healthy relationship. I mean, we don't argue, we don't fight a lot. I mean, we generally get along really well when it comes to the bedroom. It's a different issue. We just celebrated our anniversary on the 21st, first of this month. So it's 28 years worth. She ended up taking a work shift on our anniversary day. I was hoping to try and go somewhere special for the day, but she ended up taking a shift. So that kind of told me right off the bat that maybe it was going to be a no celebration anniversary. And with the COVID thing, everything's been.

Messed up and we've been busy and.

I'm an essential worker myself and she's a nurse too, so we both have been busy.

Yeah.

So. So that day she took a shift. I ended up doing yard work, so on and so forth. She came home that night, I was tired because I was working out in the yard all day long. I took a shower, got cleaned up. I mean, I know you talked about something like this before, but I'm a celebration anniversary, blowjob type of person. I get one occasionally once a year, and it's for a special occasion being the anniversary. So I was kind of expecting to be intimate with her and to do something like that. It didn't happen on the anniversary night, but the next morning. I'm always the initiator when it comes to this stuff. She never initiates. So we start fooling around a little bit. I get going, I completely take care of her, which I've always done. I've always made sure her needs are met and you know, when it comes to the love making, I'm always on the top and you know, that type of thing. So I finished her off. She orgasm. And she's a one and done type of person. She doesn't really want to have multiple orgasms, which is fine. I'm okay with that. First words out of her mouth after she orgasm was, okay, it's your turn, but let's hurry up and you need to help me because I'm not that good. And as far as jerking me off or whatever. And at the moment I was like getting ready to go and I'm like, It didn't really sink into me at the time. And then after the day, she ended up making plans to take my daughter or go visit my daughter college. So the Saturday, which was after our anniversary, we couldn't do anything because she took off and made plans with my daughter. So I'm working around the yard again on Saturday because we didn't go anywhere. And I'm thinking about what she said to me and I'm just like, you know, that's pretty Harsh.

Yeah.

I didn't talk to her about this yet because I'm still upset about it. And it was our anniversary night. The morning of our anniversary night. She doesn't even really look me in the eyes when we're having sex. I know her libido is low, and I know she not always into it, and she's doing it for me. But the whole thing with the anniversary sex, I felt like it was just an obligation.

Yeah. Have you felt like this before, John? Or do you think this is just sort of like the, like, time where you're just like, I'm done.

We actually did go through. We did go through counseling for about a year and a half.

Okay.

She was for it originally. I am the one that initiated the counseling. She was for it initially, and then. And I do have to say the counselor wasn't always on my side. She was. She would, you know, pick both sides out and she would, you know, one.

Day, I. Yeah, there's always two. Yeah, there's two in every situation. Yeah, of course. But wait, John. Cause I only have a few more.

Minutes, but let me not pump it.

Of course not. No, John, you sound like you have the empathic heart. You're carrying the heart in the relationship right now. You're the one who's kind of carrying this weight. I don't take sides on the show. I really don't. Even though I sounded very angry earlier on the show, I really don't. We're all responsible. No, really, I wasn't. I sounded like I was breaking up with someone angry. No, we all have to look at our own parts. I mean, essentially. So I get that, but I feel like 28 years, a long time, that's like such a. Like. And I could see that you had a lot of expectations around this anniversary because it's happened in the past. Maybe that makes sense. And that's okay to have expectations, but. And then on top of that, her comment, which it could just be like a throwaway comment, she was ready for the day she wanted to get over with. And that is hurtful, but she might not even remember she said it. I would address this because it's a week later and it's still really upsetting you. And I would say to her, you know, I. I really want to talk about our anniversary because it's been. It's been hurtful to me. You know, I know I had these expectations that I, you know, I love oral sex and our anniversary. You know, I expected it didn't happen. And I get that we're busy. But then in the morning you made this comment and this is how it made me feel. It made me feel. How did it make you feel, John?

Like she didn't want to be there.

Yeah, exactly. And you could say, was that your intention? So you could let her know how you made it feel. And then maybe she was like, oh God, no, I was actually so stressed and I love you. No, I want to make, you know, 28 years. You're right, I'm sorry. Or she might say, well, I'm not good at it. And you always expect like. Because then you're going to find something out. But you said that you don't argue. The first thing you said was you led this conversation by saying it's 28 years and we never argue. I don't know that that's such a great thing. Like to me, couples who don't argue and don't have conflict have bigger problems than many of us. Because you've been together 28 years.

Maybe it's time for some context.

She's a non confrontational type of person. I mean, she tries to avoid controversy at all costs.

Well, how's that going?

I have to say that she's not an evil or spiteful person.

I don't think she is. No, she's not. But like it also. So, Jen, I'm not, I'm not vilifying your wife at all. I'm just saying that like right now you're needing, you're craving some kind of intimate. You're craving your wife. Like I think you miss her and you want some love and attention and affection from her and she's, you know, and you're not getting what you need and that's it. And like that's, and that's a lot. So 28 years. I want you to be together for 28 more. But I feel like. And I don't mean you need conflict and I don't want you to fight. I hate conflicts. I'm so conflict avoidant. So I'm not even telling you got to get in a fight. I'm saying you could say to her, this is what I just feel lately it's been hard and I need a little bit more love from you. I would love a hug. I'd love you to come home and tell me that you want to have sex with me and that you desire me. It just makes me feel less than, makes me feel less connected to you. And for our relationship to thrive, I kind of need some of this from you. What do you think about that? What could we do? You know, could you have a conversation like that? John that's it for today's episode. Thanks so much for listening to Second with Emily. Learning about sexuality is a process, but we're all in this together. I'm always learning, aren't you? We're learning together. Subscribe to Sex With Emily for more sex, dating and relationship advice. So tell me this. Did you hear a tip or a trick or conversation that you just know your friend or family member or colleague would just love? Well, how about listening with them? Listening with your partner to learn something new? You can find us on all social media. It is Sex with Emily. Was it good for you?

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