It’s All In Your Head w/ Dr. Anadel Barbour

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by Jeju. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jaejoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super soft, ultra quiet, and it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the hera and right now you can get 20% off the hera using code emily20@sexwithemily.com hera that's emily20 for 20 off at sexwithemily.com h e r a so if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it.

I'm telling you, there's a big difference between frequenting sex and being experienced. A skilled lover. A skilled lover takes time and years and wisdom and communicating and all these things.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

All right, today's show. You know how I'm always recommending therapy to callers and I'm not a pusher, okay? But I just know there's lots of kinds of therapy. And hey, listen, if your car breaks down, you're going to take it to a mechanic. Well, if you're having a challenge, mental challenges, you're stressed, you're anxious, go to therapist. Don't go to your mechanic. So anyway, I think we all need a little tune up now and then. And today I'm joined by my therapist. My therapist, Dr. Anadel Barbour. She's a licensed EMDR marriage and family therapist, has a PhD in human sexuality. And we talk about how do you cope with a partner's anxiety? Like, have you ever been in a relationship with someone and maybe they're having anxiety for the first time. What do you do about that? We also cover fantasy. Is it okay if you fantasize about someone else when you're with your current partner? And also what to do when your partner leaves you for somebody else. Now let me explain this. I realized in listening to the episode after that, I talk a lot about EMDR therapy and I wanna just give you a little break because I realized I don't define it in this episode. So it's a type of therapy that was developed in the 90s and it's a little bit different than talk therapy. It was initially created for war vets who were dealing with ptsd. But what they found is if you do this process, you. You follow a light with your eyes to kind of mimic back and forth the eye movement of REM sleep. Or I actually do it with little buzzers in my hand. So it helps you essentially unblock your emotions. So you in a sense hear me out, reprogram your brain and then you just begin to heal from fear and pain that are associated to, let's just call it emotional distress. It doesn't have to be trauma. It could be that time in third grade where you felt you were teased and bullied and or something, you know, you got left, your parents forgot to pick you up somewhere and now you feel like no one's ever going to be on time for you again. It's just a very cool therapy that has changed my life and I want to let you know about emdr. It just helps you gain a new perspective. It help you with self esteem and just enhance your beliefs about your own personal capabilities. So anyway, we don't get a lot into it in the episode, which is why I wanted to explain it to you. I also answer your questions about finding friends with benefits. How do you even find them and know it's someone you want to have friends with and you want the benefits? And is porn getting in the way of sex you're having with a partner? And at the end of the show, I'm going to give you my new rapid fire segment. Since we get so many questions from you, I want wanted to see how many of your questions I could answer in succession with my top tips. And maybe I answered your question. So check it out and don't forget to send in your questions. Just email me feedbackexwithemily.com follow me on Instagram. It's sex with Emily. All right, Intentions with Emily for each episode. Join me. Let's set an intention together. So what I mean is, when you're listening, what do you want to get out of the episode? It just helps ground you in this process. So maybe you're thinking, yeah, I've been feeling more anxious than normal, and I no longer want it to have the same hold of my life. What do I do about it? My intention is just to drill in the fact to you again that when you work on your mental health, it will benefit your sex life, your relationships, and everything else in your life. All right, Enjoy the show.

Hi, Annadel. You know, the phones are already lighting up. Why don't we just start with a call? Let's talk to Angie, 29, in Connecticut. How can we help you? Hi, Emily.

Thanks for taking my call.

Of course.

So I called in a couple, like a month or so ago, and you were really helpful. I was, like, having some problems with, like, mismatched sex drive stuff with. With my boyfriend. And. And you gave some really good advice about, like, trying to kind of get more in touch with my body. A lot of what you guys are talking about right now and trying to be more mindful. And so I feel like I ended up doing kind of like more of a body meditation and really tried to get into myself. And I have, like, an issue kind of like accepting the whole, you know, like, self love, masturbation thing. I still have some shame around that, but I really tried to, like, get into it and, and what ended up happening, and I really felt like I went into a meditation beforehand. My mind started going to my boyfriend that had passed away a couple of years ago. And it made me feel weird because that's kind of what I was thinking back to, and that's what made me get the climax. And then I started feeling all these emotions and. And I haven't thought about him in. In that, like, when I'm doing that. I haven't thought about that in a long time. Like, when he first passed away, I was thinking of that's what that was happening all the time. But I feel like I kind of shelf that for a while because I've tried to really distance myself from it. And then. And then I have this issue now where, you know, I'm with someone else now. And it's. It's really great, but it's not nearly as passionate or as intense or as, you know, just like, it's just one of those things and nothing will compare. But then, like, you know, it's a few years later now. And now I feel like it just comes in a little bit in waves or whatever, but.

Okay, Angie, I'm so glad you're calling back in.

May I ask you a question, Angie? Yeah. What is it you're trying to forget about? What's the it? When you said, I want to forget, I'm trying to forget about it so I can be with my current boyfriend. Is it the passionate memories with your boyfriend that passed away that you want to get rid of?

I don't want to get rid of it. I'm trying to, I guess not forget it, but just kind of like, I don't know, let go of it, I guess, just so.

Because I just.

I'm having a hard time, like, not comparing to what I have now.

I mean, I think part of it is acceptance, too. Like, knowing that it's not going to be. I think it's not about better or worse. It's more like you had this experience that was beautiful and to kind of accept the feelings as they come up and thinking about your. Your ex and that, you know, you're 29 years old and. And I just feel like maybe you're. It takes a while to deal with grief. I mean, I wish there was a timeline where you're just done and then you can move on, but it sounds like initially maybe you were in a shock and you didn't sort of repressed, and then you started doing more meditation. Then it started coming up and being more present. And I think it's more about just making, you know, understanding that and knowing that it has. I'm also hearing the black and white, like, I'm never going to have that again. And that always makes me go, well, you know, maybe you won't be with your ex again, but you will. You could still have some other kind of love and passion and. And it's, you know, so it's just. It's kind of a restrictive way of thinking as well. And I think a lot of just making. Right. Making peace with it and accepting it rather than judging it. An Adele, what would you say?

I would say that. And I would say I'm not going to minimize anything with this comment, so I'll explain it. We're not the thought police. In other words, many people have sex with their partners and they're thinking about something else. And for you, you're thinking about an ex that passed away. And so I'm not sure if you're experiencing some guilt because it was an ex, but I believe that whatever you need to be able to connect with your heart and yourself and your current partner is fine. I believe your grief will heal and your connection with the new partner, especially if you Continue to do this body exploration of your own is going to be created and to just give yourself a break. That these thoughts come because, you know, I haven't had that experience where someone passed away, but I have a lot of experience with a lot of people. And there are a couple of guys that I'll never forget what it was like to be right and wish I could be with them. That I've been married with someone for a long time, and so occasionally I'll fantasize about them.

Yeah.

My husband doesn't know that. Right. And so that I'm just trying to normalize it in that way without minimizing, because I don't want to take away your grief, obviously. But just for you to give yourself a break.

Good.

Yeah, I definitely have a little bit of guilt. My boyfriend now knows everything that happened, and. But at the same time, I don't feel like this is the kind of stuff I could. I can't, like, talk about this with him. You know what I mean?

Right.

Yes. And that. That would probably not be very appropriate right now. Well, maybe someday you can, but, you.

Know, and that's okay to share it. All right.

You're calling Emily.

Yeah. I'm so glad you called in. And I think it's. It sounds like you sound a little bit better just knowing, like, and hearing from an Adel. Like, it's okay to. We want to normalize it for you. Right. The more you.

Right.

If you can say it's okay. This is what I'm experiencing, and you're present with it and not judging.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, that does feel better. Thank you.

Oh, good, Angie. Thank you, Angie. Stay in touch. Okay, Angie, we're sending you. Love, Ann. Adele, I'm really glad you're here because we were actually doing our session yesterday thinking that, oh, you're going to be on, and you had a great idea. If we want to just kind of get into anxiety and how it goes down in a relationship right now, how we're dealing with it. So let's talk about anxiety in relationships.

You know, we've been in this pandemic state for a while now, and it's causing people to have anxiety that never have. It's causing people to have depression that have not experienced depression. And so when we're talking about individuals suffering from that, then we talk about the couple or the family that has to be with that person, because you might not both get it at the same time.

How do you deal with it? It's like. And I keep saying this, it's True. A lot of people have never experienced it before. It's like, welcome to the anxiety family. You know, we've been experiencing it for a while.

It happened to me, and so that's why it kind of was on the forefront. And it really helped me as the pandemic rolled along with my clients. So my husband, he was out of the country when this pandemic started in one of the countries. That was a hot start. And I was here, and all of a sudden we started to lock down, and they locked down and he had to like, flee that country fast. And so when he got here, he was in a state I had never seen him like before. And he's a. He's practiced Zen Buddhism for a long time, and he's just very even keeled. And so when he came home, I just saw in his eyes, he just looked different. And so we started talking and he said this is the first time in his life he understands what people with mental illnesses and mental challenges go through. Because he could not deal with his sudden fear of death and dying and thinking everyone was going to die. And it created so much anxiety in him. Actually, his throat restricted, like he couldn't swallow because he was so afraid. And so I had never seen him like that. He had always been the rock. And all of a sudden I had to be this person to go, okay, and here I am a therapist. But I didn't want to be his therapist, of course.

Right. I had enough people, right.

And yet all of a sudden then my survival skills kicked in and so I was just able to find out what his needs were. I let him have space, and because I'm an EMDR therapist, I was able to teach him some coping skills and calming skills, things like that, which helped him a lot. But it took a couple of months for his anxiety to go away. And it really was about like, his libido disappeared completely. Kind of weird because he's eight years younger than I am. He always had more of a libido than I did, and all of a sudden he didn't have one. And at first I thought it was maybe I should do more to try and distract him, but it was really about letting his body and his mind relax and do what it needed to do. So it was very interesting. And it took a couple of months and finally I actually did some EMDR sessions with him and we found some deep seated trauma that he was able to reprocess and things started clearing up. Things started clearing up, so, phew. But all of a sudden I had Clients coming in going, oh, my God, I have so much anxiety, I don't even want my husband to touch me. Me, or I can't talk to my kids. I'm afraid they're gonna die. And so it's these fears that came up that people didn't have before.

Yeah. Well, Annabelle, thank you for sharing that, because you're also showing that we're therapists, but we're human. Right. Like, it doesn't mean that just because you are, it still happens. And then. Yeah. How did you start to, you know, did he feel okay talking to you? Like, that's also an interesting dynamic to shift whether you're a therapist or not, to go into the caretaker role.

One night I went out to get some food, and when I came back, the bags ripped and all the food fell all over my feet and the floor. And I reacted like I was upset and pissed. And when I looked up, all he was doing was standing there like a deer in the headlight. And he had never been that way before. He looked like he just didn't know what to do. And it was something quite simple, you know, just food on the floor. Right. And so then I knew it was bad. I knew it was bad. And so I cleaned everything up and we sat down that night, and I said, what can I do? What can I do to help? Because I've never seen you this way before, and because I just waited until he was ready, you know, he began to cry a little bit, and he said, I don't know what to do. Do I just need you to be here? And so that's what I did for, like, a week. I was just there whenever he needed me when I wasn't working. And then I was able to make suggestions about doing some different breathing exercises just to bring some awareness to his reality, not the fears that he's having. So counting breaths always helps. Slow tapping on your knees just to calm your nervous system with repetitive phrases about calming your mind, calming your body, being okay looking around for objects so that you feel comfortable in your home where you are. Those were the things we started with.

It wasn't about going into the fear. Like, if he was saying, I have a fear that I'm going to die, or I have a fear of. You weren't entertaining the thoughts of what they meant. It was more like. Cause I think so many of us would go into the analytical side of it, or, oh, it's not true, or, you're going to be fine. But you know, enough to say, let's just be mindful be present. Calming.

The nervous system entails bringing yourself into the present moment, and that's hard to do. And, you know, it's not realistic that we're always going to be in the moment. Always going to be in the moment, because they go so fast. This one's gone, this one's gone. This one's gone, Right? So they're gone.

The thing is, we can realize that, oh, I've been in tomorrow, so let me come in to right now and just breathe. Feel your feet on the floor. Take a deep breath. Notice where you're holding any tension, right? And so it just brings you into the moment, and you can realize that, oh, I am afraid of dying, but I'm okay right now in this moment.

So it's a matter of not getting caught up in our thoughts, because our thoughts are not the truth, to quote you. Let's talk to Valerie, 52, in New Mexico. Hi, Valerie. Thanks for calling. How can we help?

Hi, guys.

Oh, gosh.

Hopefully I don't lose you. I'm on the road, traveling. I'm kind of in a really bad state right now. This year, my husband, beginning of January, said that he wanted a legal separation. And after several months, he decided, like, no, I don't want to get divorced. I want us to keep working on our marriage, all of that. But he was still, like, insistent on us having this legal separation while we were working on things. We own a business together. We've been together for 23 years. I'm 52. He's going to turn 50 in the next couple of weeks. The last day I found was October 16th. And then he ghosted me. He stopped talking to me. And I tried to call and I tried to text him, you know, through work. He wasn't really answering anything having to do with work. And then my instincts kicked in. I was like, it's got to be somebody. And he had mentioned this woman's name, that he was talking to her. She was like an expert or something in OCD with this business group that he was doing. It's like an entrepreneurship group. You know, I get our mobile bills. I started looking, and I found her phone number, and I put it in my phone just in case. And then sure enough, all this started happening at the end, you know, in October when he wasn't talking to me. And I looked it up on the mobile phone, and I started matching up her phone calls with what was on the calendar. So I was like, okay, fine. They're having conferences during these days.

It's all good.

Well, then After I left, they went from three days a week, four days a week, in the evening for three or four hours. And so all those times when I was trying to call him or get a hold of him, he was talking to her. So, long story short, on November 14th, he told me over the phone he wanted a divorce. He said, it's over. I'm done. And I said, it's her, isn't it? And he's like, no, it's not her. Why would you even bring her name into it? And I was like, because you've been talking to her. I saw all the calls on the mobile bills and you've been talking to her all this time. He wouldn't answer me. So I was like, well, you know what? I have her number. I'll call her. So I called her up. She couldn't talk to me very long because she was with her daughter, you know, so and so. And I was calling because I'm, you know, so and so's wife. And she said, ex wife. And she said it twice. And I said, did he tell you that we were not married, that we were divorced? She's like, I just assumed. And I was like, no, we are still married. I'm like, we're working on a marriage. We talk every day. And he bought her a ring. And I called and canceled the ring. But then I found out on Facebook over Christmas, there was a photo that she posted of him and her. And there she is with the ring from Cartier. And now.

Okay, so, Valerie, what is going on with him? This sounds like a really painful situation. Go ahead.

And what's going on is he has left you. Unfortunately, for the moment, he's not really working on this. If he's buying a ring and going on Facebook, he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. So my question to you is, what's going on for you? How are you going to be able to take care of yourself and you take charge and empower yourself from this moment on? How are you going to do that?

That's what I'm trying to do every day. And I finally, my girlfriend, she lives in New Mexico, and she's like, come and stay with me. So I'm on the road. I've been traveling.

That's a good idea. That's a good idea to go be with a girlfriend. That's exactly what I would recommend, that. So, yeah, absolutely.

I'm on the road to go see her. I've got about two more hours left in my trip.

And, yeah, I think it's about acceptance right now. This is what I think Anne is absolutely right that, like, I know that there's going to be a lot of anger and a lot of sadness, and it's so. It seems like it's happened fairly sudden and you feel betrayed and there's trust and it's. It's messy. And I love that you're going to be with a friend that you feel safe with and that you trust. And I would just recommend that. I think therapy would be incredible right now as you're going through this, because it's a whole bunch new emotions. There's so much going on right now. Valerie, Like, I wish we could help you in just this evening. I'm just really sorry that it's happening and I know that there's the why is happening and how can I do it and what do I do with. With my husband. But I think that really understanding what's going on with you right now and what the reality is is that he's not there. So what can you do?

How could he have moved on so quickly? Like, is that what they do? Like, is he feeling guilty?

It's not what they do. It's what some people do.

It's not what they do.

It's what some people do. And that's what he did. And unfortunately, at the moment, I think the important thing for you is to accept that he's playing around with this person who you've even spoken to. And she called you the ex. So she has her ideas of what's going on. And it takes a lot of energy for you to try and stop what he's doing. It's going to take more positive energy for you to take care of yourself and love yourself. I think the work is going to be loving yourself so that you don't need him anymore.

Yeah, it's going to be a journey. I do recommend therapy. Valerie, we got to go. Valerie, call. Call me back. I know we'll be here every night. Dr. Anadel Barber. Thank you so much.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

People can find you@anadelbarbour.com that's a n a D E L B A R B O U r dot com. When we come back, I'll answer a question about finding a friends with benefits.

This is from emily22 1000. Oh. I feel like all my friends are very experienced with sex and only feel open to talk about it sometimes. I still feel very inexperienced. I haven't been with many people and I'm not sure how to put myself out there, especially During a pandemic. I hear you, sister. I don't even know if I've ever experienced pleasurable sex because I don't think I've ever had good sex. I'm a pretty tall girl, so it's uncomfortable for me to be on top. I've been working on getting to know my body and started masturbating. I think what I'm trying to say is I want to try more sex and become more comfortable, but I don't want to sleep with just anyone. It's nice to find a partner, a fuck buddy, but I have none in mind. First off, it's quality. It's hard to find a quality person when we're not in a global pandemic. But when we're in a pandemic, it is a lot more challenging. I mean, here's the news though. The, the dating apps are popping. They're not what you think. If you're like, oh, the dating apps are just for hookups like, or people are gonna ghost you. Yeah, people are gonna ghost you in real life. People are gonna ghost you on the apps. But it is true that they're saying that this was another thing that came out last week about like more people are meeting on apps than anywhere. And it even said that people in on apps were looking to get into quality relationships, long term relationships. Why I like that study or that survey is because people always think the apps are not. And this was like a conclusive study that said people on the apps take it seriously. The majority of them want to get into a long term relationship. But Emily, that doesn't help your question because you just want to get a friends with benefit. Now you're not going out probably you're not meeting people, you're not doing stuff like that. So I would just practice maybe talking on the apps and just start practicing getting to know people. I recommend doing a video chat, you know, because we can't go out and meet people right now. So at least you could just kind of start to vet people on the apps. And just because you're tall doesn't mean you're not going to be able to get comfortable on top. I want to say this to everybody, all the onks, the 20 something people who have so much like angst about sex that it's gonna be. It should be. You should already know how to be this and you should already know how to do that. How would you know if you haven't done it, if you haven't had as many partners and if you have had partners, you probably weren't open and talking about it. So it just takes experience. It's like you can't beat yourself up for things that you haven't even had a chance to try yet. You know, I like that you just started masturbating. I think that's great. And it's also important to continue to not just masturbate, though. Like, get comfortable with your fantasies. You know, read erotica, listen to erotica. Get. Get in the mood. Start thinking about, you know, different ways you can pleasure yourself, because the more that we love on ourselves and have more orgasms and start to understand our bodies in all ways, you'll be so much more equipped to be in a healthy sexual relationship because you'll be able to express your needs. You'll know what feels good to you. You'll know who you are more. I just think that you gotta maybe just ride this one out a little bit, Emily. And I think that you say, I feel like all my friends are very experienced with sex. I doubt it. If all your friends are 22 years old, they're not experienced with sex. They might have had a lot of sex. They might have had sex with a hundred people. You know, their number might be 100. But I'm telling you, there's a big difference between frequenting sex and being experienced. A skilled lover. A skilled lover takes time and years and wisdom and communicating and all these things. So they're in the same boat you are. Consider yourself starting now. 22 is a great time to start experimenting. And I don't know, you know, how, you know when you meet someone and that you want to be friends with them? We should just use that same test when we want to start dating someone. Okay, hear me out. If you want to become friends with someone, they're interested in you. They call you back, they make plans, they're there for you, they treat you well. You feel better when you're with them, and, you know, you feel safe. You're not walking in eggshells. Let's put that same litmus test. That's those same values when we're looking for a partner, like a boyfriend or a girlfriend or anyone you want to be with. I don't know how this culture got caught up in, like, oh, well, they were ghosting me, or they were. They were not that great at the beginning, and they were hot and cold, and they were in and out. It's like, then don't. Those people are not. They're going to be like that all the time. Someone who was there and then they Pulled out, or they. They ghosted you or they were dissing you, or they weren't available. They're never going to be available. But go with people who make you feel good from the jump. So that's how you're going to find someone and then see if you can build something from that. I mean, I don't know, but I think a lot more of us are sapiosexuals, meaning our brains. We want to have engaging conversation with someone. We want to feel emotionally safe, intellectually stimulated, and then we're going to be turned on. So what I love about the pandemic now is that I think for a lot of us, we can actually spend some time getting to know someone and sort of start to build the attraction, the arousal, the excitement of getting to meet them in person. It won't be this awkward groping in the dark hookup thing where you barely know someone, because those were not sad. I'll bet you all of your sexually experienced friends, Emily and Thousand Oaks, that's the kind of experience they're having. I'll bet they were blackout drunk in college, running around, and they've had sex with a lot of dudes, kids, they're given a lot of blowjobs. That is not sexual. That might be experienced, but that doesn't mean they're having quality sex. So the fact that, Emily, that you're even asking this question right now about how can I find someone quality? How can I, you know, get better with being on top and all the things are all great questions. And the fact you're even questioning it, not assuming that, you know, everything is a great is you're exactly where you need to be. Check out our website. We've got blogs, we've got podcasts. We talk about this stuff all the time. Your confidence just. It comes from experience. Comes from experience with your own body and with other people. I just think we got to get over all of our worries and fears around dating apps because they're here to stay. And during a pandemic, you can tell people are being safe. You know, a lot of people have the masks on when you're swiping all those things. We can talk to Robert, 45, in California. Hi, Robert. Thanks for calling.

Hi.

How are you?

Good. How's it going? How can I help?

My God, I love your show. I listen to you all the time. And I'm not a straight man, but I love listening about how girls get their thing on. It's awesome.

I'm so glad, Robert.

It is so great. I'm Like, I went to Pleasure Chest. I'm like, I think there's this toy I heard about. And Emily. Oh, we love Emily.

Anyway, I love Pleasure Chest. They're right down the street.

Oh, good. Maybe I'll see you at the coffee shop.

Bye. I would love it.

My question is. So I. Since this pandemic, I've been watching a lot of porn. I mean, it's just like, I don't want to touch anyone. I don't want to go on a date. I don't want to, you know, what can you do what you can't do? And now I'm thinking, like, oh, it's almost easier, but I think it's ruining my dating life. Like, yeah, somebody's asked me out. And then my criteria goes way high. And then I think it should be lighting in the bedroom and you should have the perfect body part.

Oh, because of all the porn? Yeah. I mean, absolutely. Yeah. So that's all you've had. You haven't had any real life experience with humans. I love that you're calling in about this, Robert, because it sounds like, you know, it sounds like it's gone a little bit too far. And so now we gotta reel it back in. You're not doing anything wrong, but you're noticing it before you go off the rails, right? That's like, what happens. People who drink too much or porn sounds like. And now that your standards are raising, it's super comfortable. It's always accessible, and you can just stay home forever. But you don't want to stay home forever. And you've probably had enough relationships or sex in your life to know that that's actually not real sex anyway. And. But sometimes it's too much time's compass. You're probably forgetting what is real sex like. So I would recommend that you, if you can, roll back on the porn, stop watching the porn, maybe try to masturbate without porn. Just thinking about experiences you've had in the past, having more somatic experiences where you're touching your body and you're. You're. You're thinking about how it feels to, you know, explore different parts of your body and force yourself to start going out with people. Like, even if it's a lunch for an hour with a mask or go for a walk. Because I think that you've built up. It sounds to me like you've built up this whole thing in your head now, and you just gotta, like, bite the butt. I'm just saying you gotta do it. Even if people don't seem Great. Just be like, it's an hour of your life. And if you do that a few times, I think first you're gonna realize, like, oh, wow. Yeah, this is great. I realize that, you know, I miss people, so that's one thing. And then I would also just say, yeah, with the porn, try to cut back. Do you think you could do that? Or even if you can't, just don't masturbate for a few days. Put that time into dating apps or.

Yeah, it's frustrating because, you know, now with the pandemic. Okay, what can we do? You know, I think I have a feeling that glory holes are going to be the thing coming.

They are. Well, you know, the CDC said glory holes is one of the safest ways to have sex.

Well, I'm opening up Warehouse.

Seriously, I bet you they're popping up all over la. But I mean, how do you meet people typically?

Well, like, it used to be like, same at the gym, or I, you know, run them at the dog park or there's an app here or there. But I think people a little skittish about the app thing. So I'm not real. I can chat with my dog. I don't need to chat with some person on an app that it usually doesn't go anywhere.

So it's.

And I'm reconnecting with some of my friends that I'm reaching out to because, you know, we're all kind of isolated now. I also have a teenage kid at home, so my teenage kid, I have, like, I don't bring anybody over. I'm not gonna go spend the night with somebody. So then there is that part too.

That's a big thing. That is a thing. Well, you could just start to meet somebody. What if you take the pressure off yourself that you have to meet the perfect person right now, the perfect guy. I would just kind of start to go. I mean, I, you know, I see my friends for walks. We wear a ma. We do that stuff. So I feel like, you know, and you could also let. You could also let your friends know. Ask them if they know anybody nice to fix you up with. I mean, that's how I've met people a lot. I have friends like, oh, yeah, you know, let me think about it. Or they'll call me a week later. But I feel like you will be able to break this, you know, break through this. And I know that you have your son, but maybe he could. Maybe he'll be seeing a friend or there could be a time. It could just be like a Lunch or a coffee. But I think start just change your behaviors just a little bit. Cause you know that sex is not as beautiful and well manicured as it is in porn. And it sounds like you're using it as an excuse.

I do know that I would love it to all be like that, but I don't think my mind is. First of all, I don't feel like I'm in that shape to be in that other side of the porn anyway.

Yeah, well, there you go. Sometimes we're the harshest critic because we don't love our, you know, we were harsh on ourselves. So love yourself. And by doing that, you need human interaction. You need to get out there. So force yourself. You'll feel so much better if you do. Even if it's a coffee with someone who's not Mr. Right. It could be Mr. Right now for coffee. All right.

Right. Well, no, thank you for saying that because it has been a pattern. Like I try to find the perfect.

And if take the pressure off perfect doesn't exist. Take the pressure off yourself. I'm giving you permission to go out with somebody that you deem is even mediocre. You never know what's going to happen. Okay, you're allowed to go on a mediocre date. Robert, I'm so glad you found the show and thank you for listening. Maybe I'll see your pleasure chest.

I love you. Love you back.

Thanks for calling, Robert. Have a great night. I appreciate you. All right, we're gonna take a quick break, but when we come back, I'm answering your rapid fire questions.

All right, you guys, you can know, you can send. These are, these are the DMS that we get through Instagram and we get a lot of them. And since I can't always get to you, like I can't answer them all individually, I just thought rapid fire. Let me answer. And remember, these are shorter answers because I'm doing them quick, but I'm gonna get all the points out. So let's answer your questions rapid fire with Dr. Emily. Okay, what's something to break the ice during our first group sex with another couple. Okay, here's one. Take turn giving massages to each person. So one person goes and they get a 10 minute massage and the next person gets a 10 minute massage. The next person or 15 minutes. And then you all are getting a three hand, you know, a six handed massage. And it's a way to warm you guys up, get comfortable with each other and appease any anxiety sometimes. This is from Rachel, 32, in Texas. Sometimes I'm so turned on, but I can't orgasm while having sex or masturbating. Why? Well, you know, remember I say your brain is the most powerful sex organ. When your brain is anxious and worried and about something, it's going to be less likely to orgasm, especially if you're focusing on orgasm. So my advice is to focus on your breath and focus on what you're feeling in the moment, whatever you can do to get out of your head and into your body. How to avoid farts during sex. You can't, you don't, you won't. Just learn to embrace them. It's part of it. Sex is fun, sex is messy, sex is loud, and you just can't control it. So let it go and really let it go with farts. Tips for ass play without penetration on a male partner. I've never done it. I would say start with slow. Start with a finger. You know, there's a lot of nerve endings on the exterior part of the anus. Use a finger, play with it. Make sure your fingers are trimmed. Use lube and just play with it and see how it feels. Use your mouth, use your fingers, make sure you're clean. And then see if you want to move up to penetration from there. All right. I'm a little nervous as a male 17. I'm a little nervous about losing my virginity. Is there anything I should know? You should know that I recommend that you should be with a trusted partner, someone that you feel safe with, and that it's okay just to kind of be present, be in the moment is my best advice for you. And just, I don't know if you're with. With what gender you're with, but anytime, be honest that it's your first time. Go slow, take your time, and only do. Do it when you feel ready.

Recommendations for starter butt plugs. I love the Be Vibe butt plug kit. They have a beginner anal kit. And it's amazing because it comes with all different. Comes with different sizes and it comes with instructions. And I love their beginner kit. It's great. I need more physical affection from my partner. How can I ask for it without being needy? Listen, just because you need more physical affection doesn't mean you're needy. Have a partner. Have a conversation with your partner and let them know that you, that you, you love touch. Maybe you can give them examples about when you need touch in the relationship, when it would feel good. You can take their hand and guide them and also ask them for what, what they need from you. All right. My wife hasn't had an orgasm with me or by herself. What would be some tips to get her closer to orgasm? Any toy suggestions to get her closer to it? I think that it does help to.

Start on her own.

I would recommend something like the Jeju Mimi or the WE Vibe Touch. I would recommend using lube. And I would tell her to go slow, pay attention to her body. I mean, you could help her out, but I think it's always helpful to have a first orgasm on our own. And again, tell her to relax and get out of her head and into her body. How do you overcome insecurities and anxieties with initiating and starting sex with a partner? All right, so if a lot of us are insecure when we initiate sex because it's a new skill, it's a muscle. It's something we have to practice. You might want to start asking your partner, how do you best like for me to initiate sex? What really works for you, what turns you on? And then you'll kind of have a roadmap for where to start. But remember, anything new might be a little awkward at first, but the more you do it, the more comfortable it will will become. How do I let my partner know I appreciate our sex when we are clean and fresh?

Maybe you could just say to him, hey, babe, let's jump in the shower. And then after you take a shower together, you could suds each other off, suds each other down, dry off. And then say, I realize I really like it when we're clean. It really makes me want to devour every part of your body. Reinforce it. Can girls squirt during orgasm? Sure. Girls can squirt during orgasm. They can squirt after orgasm, they can squirt before orgasm. Girls can squirt all different ways.

Afraid of having sex with my friends with benefits because he is not social distancing and masking help. Don't have sex with him if he is not being safe about his health and he's not being safe about your health, just avoid it and don't have any benefits. Benefits? There's no benefits to being with him right now. I guarantee it. Does semen always taste bad? So bad or is dependent on food habits? You are what you eat. And if you're eating foods that are not great for you, they're not going to taste great in your mouth.

Libido's in the dump. So breastfeeding, I don't even want to be touched. Help. That's gonna pass. The more that we are give ourselves permission to not always be in the mood, especially after we have child. After. After we have a child and we're breastfeeding, it's okay. It's going to come back. Try to find other forms of touch that do make you feel connected with your partner. Intimacy is still important, even if you don't still want the same things after you have a baby. All right, one more how do I introduce or buy toys for my girl for herself and us? Go shopping together, Go shopping online, Check out our website and make it fun. Go on adventure or go to a store if they're open and say like let's each buy some stuff that is fun for us. All right, that's all we got time for. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. Believe me, if you got something out of it, they will too. We release shows on Tuesdays and Fridays and look out for a bonus episode episode every now and then. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all sexwithemily and I've been told I give really good newsletters. So sign up@sexwithemily.com and don't forget to check out our blogs. If you want to talk to me, ask your questions about your sex life, dating or relationships, email me feedbackexwithemily.com or call into my SiriusXM show Monday through Friday 5 to 7pm Pacific and call me 888-94-stars. That's 888-947-8277. Get a free 30 day trial at sexwithemily.com sxm you can watch my masterclass on masterclass.com Emily Morse was it good for you? Email me feedbackexWithemily.com.

There'S one overlooked mineral behind better sleep, sharper focus, stronger muscles and a healthier heart. And at least half of us aren't getting enough. Most people don't realize they're running low on one of the most vital minerals for human magnesium. And here's the thing. No single form of magnesium can deliver all of its benefits. That's exactly why Qualia Magnesium plus was created with 10 highly bioavailable forms of magnesium plus over 70 essential minerals. It provides total magnesium support, helping you sleep better, think clearer, move stronger, and feel your best every day. And honestly, when you're less stressed and more energized, your intimacy and desire naturally benefit too. Sure, magnesium can help you sleep, but Qualia Magnesium plus goes beyond that. It's a whole body nourishment for how you think, move, connect and feel. More than just a sleep supplement, it's a foundation for daily well being which absolutely supports a healthier sex life. Getting enough magnesium from food alone is harder than ever due to depleted soils and chronic stress and our body's reduced ability to absorb it as we age well. Qualia's Magnesium plus formula is non gmo, vegan, gluten free and designed to organize so all the ingredients work together for comprehensive magnesium support. And personally, I've been taking Qualia Magnesium plus in the evenings and I really notice calmer nights and clear mornings and just feeling more grounded in my body which always makes intimacy feel more accessible and enjoyable. It's become such an easy part of my nightly routine. Experience the most trusted magnesium for your purity, potency and performance. Go to qualialife.com sex with Emily for 50% off and here's a bonus use the code Sex with Emily for an additional 15 off your order. That's Q U A l I a life.com sexwithemily thanks for Qualia for sponsoring this episode.