Less Stress, More Sex!

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by Jeju. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jaejoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super soft, ultra quiet, and it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the hera and right now you can get 20% off the hera using code emily20@sexwithemily.com hera. That's emily20 for 20 off@sexwithemily.com h e r A so if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it. Hey everyone. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on today's show. I'm taking your calls and answering all your love and sex questions. Should you give your partner the go ahead to have sex with someone else? How do you get your sexual mojo back when you still live at home? What's the secret for asking a woman out? Plus, tips for de stressing for better sex. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man e here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com and subscribe. We make it so easy for you. You can subscribe to our newsletter, social media, and most importantly, I love when you subscribe to the podcast. It just makes our life easier too. It really helps. We want to do more shows. It helps support the show. And when you rate the show, I love that as well. On itunes, that helps. And I just appreciate hearing from all of you, so thank you. And also social media, you know about that, right? It's all sexwithemily across the board. Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram, all that stuff. Okay. It's spring. This is the season for spring cleaning, and we want to help you tidy up your sex and dating life with a giveaway.

So.

So when you're spring clean, it's all about, like, out with the old, in with the new. Feels really good to get rid of all that stuff that's been sitting around. So what we wanna know from you is what bad sex, dating, or relationship habit are you ready to throw out in 2017? Like, have you been dating the same type of people over and over again? It's not working for you? Are you just having bad sex with your partner and you haven't been able to talk about it yet? Been faking orgasms, or you just wanna try something new in the bedroom? Whatever it is, what is that habit? What is that pattern we wanna hear from you? Cause writing it down, you guys will be power writing down what you want to change. I guarantee it's probably going to happen. So there's a lot of power in that. Just sending it to me and letting me know. And if you do that, if you email me feedbackexwithelmy.com By March 27th, we're going to pick a winner. And guess what? You're going to get my favorite thing, the magic wand. Rechargeable. The Magic Wand. You've heard me talk about the magic wand for years. It's amazing. So email us what you're ready to give up with. Sex Relationships dating feedback at sex with emily.com. okay, a few weeks ago, there was some shocking news. Shocking news. I have that in, like, my fake air quotes. Okay, so if you watch the Bachelor TV show, which I know so many people do, they're obsessed with the Bachelor because, like, every week, there's always news about the Bachelor, right? He's being an asshole. All the women on the show are, like, getting naked or they're fighting with each other. There's always a headline. But this was my favorite bachelor headline ever. Raven, one of the contestants claimed on national television to the Bachelor that she's never had an orgasm. Never had an orgasm. And he was stunned. The Bachelor, Nick, he was stunned. He was like, whoa. Never had an orgasm. And I'm sure that you weren't stunned. Like, a lot of women are like, yeah, of course I've never had an orgasm either. But this just still surprised me that so many people and the men are like, wow, you haven't had an orgasm? Yes. You guys, this is true. So many women do not have have orgasms. You know, men achieve orgasm 95% of the time during intercourse, and only 10% of women have had one during the act. And slightly more women have never had an orgasm at all. So I just love this was on national television. I love that this was on television, and it made headlines. So it all reminded all of you that this is an issue. I'm not making it up, you guys. I know I hear from you every day about it, but you guys, orgasms, you gotta, like, work on it. Your responsibility for women to figure out how to get yourself to orgasm and also talk to your partner about it and communicate. You guys, thank you to the Bachelor. I've never been so excited about an episode of that in my entire life. Sex in the news. Men deal with stress by watching porn. Okay, you guys all know the stereotype of a woman who's, like, sad and depressed, and she cries into, like, a pint of ice cream because she's having a really rough day? Well, it turns out that that stereotype that we've all heard about or, like, women sitting around eating Ben and Jerry's when they're upset is actually true. It's 100% accurate, I guess. You know, it says that the study says that men opt to watch porn or have sex when they're feeling down or anemia. Pick me. And 51% of women down themselves from comfort food to calm anxiety, compared to 31% of men who, like, order double pizzas and eat both of them when they're upset. This is why, you guys. This is why we wanna binge on all this food. Like, bad food when we're stressed out, because it has to do with our adrenal glands and the stress hormone, it releases cortisol. So you guys have all heard of stress and cortisol, right? So when we're stressed, we release more cortisol, and that increases our appetite. And so we're so hungry, and we're, like, upset, and we're stressed, and so we're like, we just wanna eat everything. That's what happens. But with men, 27% of guys say they'd rather have sex. Like, that's how they. When they're anxious and they're Upset and they're getting that cortisol. They're like, I just want to have sex because sex is going to make me feel better. Only 11% of women turn to sex. So here's like another thing with men and women. I'm like, really, like, no wonder we have so many challenges. I just want to sit home and eat ice cream and you want to masturbate or have sex. So the thing is, we all know that we have sex, that you release these endorphins, right? So when you have an orgasm, when you're connected, you release like the feel good hormones, right? To combat that cortisol, that stress hormone. Like ah, endorphins feel so good, right? So even from eating, right? So for women we're like, oh, this feels so good to eat. I'm so comforted now. And then we might feel kind of bad after. Just like men or women who have compulsively have sex, like we're going after the drug. It's like a drug, right? This endorphin is a high that we're both searching, that we're searching after to calm our nerves. But the problem here is that I find interesting going back to orgasms is that if the women were having more orgasms, right? Cause we already know that women are not. If we're having more orgasms and we were like had enough confidence in sex that we were going to have an orgasm, we would probably be craving sex as well to kind of calm our nerves and to get rid of our stress. But we're not. We have more confidence that eating this like ice cream cone here is gonna make me feel better than sex. So that kind of bums me up. I'd love it if we all just got really stressed out and had a lot more sex. That would be like my dream solution. So still really, I think just focus on the orgasms. Let's all just masturbate more and figure out, especially women, understand your body, what makes you feel good. At least men and women can have that in common. That we just wanna have a lot of sex when we're anxious. So that's what I gotta say about orgasms. I can't guarantee that's the last time I talk about orgasms on the show. But right now let's give a shout out to our sponsors. Thank supporting them. We love them. I, you know, I never ever talk about a product or recommend anything that I haven't tried myself and that I think will help make your life a lot happier. So thanks for listening. I'll be Right back.

Okay, and now we're onto your calls. If you have a question you want me to answer on the show, that makes me so happy. I love it. Go to sexualmy.com and click on the Ask Emily tab. And then you can submit your question right there. And you can also select if you'd like to be called for the show. So you can leave a call or an email or even a voicemail. Do that. 818-ASK-SWE1. That's 818-275-7931. I love hearing from you. And please include also your. Your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. When you're saying an email, can't wait to hear from you. Okay. Our first call is Dylan. He's 23, from the Bay Area, and he's been struggling with a low sexual desire. So he's looking for a different way to keep his partner satisfied. Hey, Dylan.

Hi there.

Hi. Thanks for calling in. So tell me a little about what's going on.

Well, my girlfriend and I have been dating for about two years, and we've lived with each other for almost that whole entire time. And recently we've just been experiencing some kind of losses in attraction towards each other. She's the kind of person who likes to have sex every day. I'm the kind of person who likes to have sex every two to three days. And it just wasn't quite matching up. And so I tried a bunch of different things. I tried going to therapy and talking with her and trying to figure some stuff out. I read she Comes first by Ian Kerner.

Awesome.

Great book. Fantastic book.

Yep.

But regardless of all those things, she still wasn't quite interested enough in me or didn't feel like she was getting enough attention from me. I guess my question is, should I allow my girlfriend to go out and experience other men to please her sexually?

Is that what she's asking you for?

That is, yes.

Okay, so she said to you, I'd like to sleep with other people, kind of open up our relationship.

Yes.

Okay, so this sounds like this has more to do with her than any feeling on your part, like you're pleasing her. You guys have been in therapy. You've talked about it. And what do you think about that? How do you feel about that? The fact that she wants to open it up? Because I don't see you doing anything wrong. I see that, like, you guys are 23 years old. You've been together for two years, living together, this kind of happens.

Yeah, it definitely does happen. And you know, I mean, we had some very mature conversations with each other and realized that we're both young people and that we have a lot of life to live and we love each other like crazy and we have complete faith that we're going to be with each other in our later years. But at this point, it is kind of looking like we're going to split up. And that hurts.

Of course, honey. Of course that hurts. Yeah. It's like you're probably your first love, right? Your serious relationship, you live together, you've tried everything. I'm so glad you read that book. That's going to serve you well. You've been in therapy. I mean, you sound like a really good guy who's like, really took this seriously. Like, a lot of people would just be like, ah, it's not working. Let's just break up. But you've really tried. And the truth is, she just might need more. Some more experience, you know, it sounds like, yeah, there's mismatched libidos, which happens really common in couples. You know, maybe, yeah, you're right. Maybe you will come back later in life. Who knows what's gonna happen? But right now, I just don't want you to beat yourself up that you've done anything wrong. How do you.

Well, yeah, I'm definitely giving her as much space as she needs. Obviously, I still have a large sexual and emotional attraction to her, and that's really difficult to kind of distance myself from her and give her her space for that. But it's. It's progressing in an interesting way. She is actually dating another guy.

Oh, she already is dating another guy. Okay. And are you still together? And you're living together still, so, yes.

But I'm also trying to find my own space now.

You have to find your own space. Wait, so you guys kind of broke up or you've opened up the relationship?

It's. It's real in a gray area right now.

It's okay, I think.

Strange, right?

No, it sounds really strange. And it sounds like, first of all, it's really hard for couples to be together and then to open up the relationship. Couples typically open up the relationship when they're in a really solid place and they're like, you know what? I love you. This is great, but I really want to experience other people. But we're still going to be each other's primary partners. She's out there dating other people. As you should, when you're ready. But I don't think that you can continue to live together and think that I Mean, she's already sleeping with other people. Like, I think that you have to get out of this. You have to get out of the lease and find another place to live and end the relationship. Because it's very hard to stay together if you open up. What I'm saying is couples typically open it up and then they. When they're a good place, you can't, like, stay like you still want to be with her, and so I'm going to let her sleep with someone else. You're going to be tortured, right? I mean. Okay, so this isn't going to work, is what I'm saying. I mean, how does it feel right now?

Yeah, no, I absolutely understand. And it is difficult for me because, like, this is the person that I've been down next to every single night for the last two years. I know this person emotionally and physically. And it's like, the most comfortable space that I could be at the end of the day is in that bed with her.

I know.

And there's all these conflicting feelings of needing to distance myself, being slightly disgusted by her being touched by other guys, and it's just. Yeah, it's kind of weird.

Are you still lying down in bed with her every night after she comes home from the dates?

Yes, I have set my own limits. I'd like her to take a shower and brush her teeth before she lays down next to me or gives me a goodnight kiss.

Okay.

How about yeah?

Yeah. Okay. So, Dylan, this doesn't sound. It sounds like you signed up for something here that isn't the healthiest thing for you. And I know what you're saying is, like, the thought of being without her is so painful to you right now because she's your norm. Love her. You're so comfortable with her. But I have to tell you, like, there's legions of people. We've all gone through breakups. We've all gone through these hard things, and we all think we're never gonna get over it and we're not gonna find someone else. And you know what? You're gonna have a hard. It will be hard, and that's okay. Like. But what you gotta do is you gotta find your own space. Okay? I think you have to move out. It's not a healthy situation. She's not gonna be able to give you what you want right now. Not because of anything you did wrong, just because of where you guys are at in your life and what she wants right now. But this isn't what you want. And you're not gonna feel good about this. I'm concerned this is gonna continue to damage your. You just don't wanna go through the breakup, which I understand. But I'm telling you the other side of this. When you break up and you move out and you go through all this stuff and it's gonna be hard, you're also gonna come out the other end and you're gonna feel so much better and stronger, and you're gonna have learned a lot about yourself and what you actually want in a relationship and what you don't want. But you gotta do this. Yeah. Are you prepared for that?

Powerful words, Emily. Powerful words. It's all true.

I know, I know. Cause I know the stories you're telling yourself. Like, well, if she brushes her teeth and I'm just here, like, reality check. No, this isn't good for you, Dylan. I care about you right now. Taking care of yourself, whatever steps you need, talking to your friends, or if you can live with your family for a while. But this has to happen, like, in the next month.

Yes.

Okay. Can you do that?

Okay.

You gotta get out. Okay. Okay, Dylan, keep me posted. I want to know how this goes. But I'm so glad you emailed. I mean, that we were talking. So I think this is gonna be. This is gonna be good for you. You got this. You sound like an amazing guy.

Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

I love your show. And I'll absolutely, like, email you back if anything changes, because this is a really interest. I don't know if your listeners would be interested or not, but, yeah, we would be.

We've actually been talking about the fact that, God, we have all these people. I help talk to them. And I always. Truly, truly, Dylan, like, I'm invested in you right now, and I actually want to know. I almost want you to, like, email me. A month with, like, tell me that you moved out. Yeah. Let me know what happened. You could even call in again. Okay. I'm here for you.

Oh, that's so sweet. I love you, Emily.

I love you, too, Dylan. Hang in there. You got this. We'll talk to you soon. Okay. Bye, Dylan.

All right, bye. Have a good one.

Okay. Say hi to the Bay Area. Bye. Aw, Dylan. You guys, I've been there. I've been there. We've all been there. That breakup, it just seems like we can't get through it. But I'm telling you, we've all survived breakups. We don't die. We actually get healthier after them, but we don't feel like we're in it. And I want to know you guys. I love hearing from you and I love talking to you. These calls are great because we can really get to the bottom of what's happening. And I actually would love you guys to follow up because I always hear that you email and you're like, I've helped you, and it's changed your life, and I want to know areas. I would love to hear your stories or if we've talked or emailed and I've given you advice and what's happened since then. We'd love to do that. We'd love that follow up. I want to hear from Dylan. He's got this, though. Okay, our next call, we have Aisha. She's 20, from Massachusetts, and she recently moved back into her mom's house and feels like she's lost her mojo and she wants to get it back. Hi, Aisha. How are you?

Hi. I'm good. How are you?

Good. Thanks for calling.

Yeah. I'm so excited to be on the show. I love your show.

Oh, I'm so glad. I'm happy to be talking to you. So tell me a bit about what's going on. You're living at your mom's house.

Well, yeah.

That's always tough. Okay.

Yeah.

I mean, not always, but for you. I understand. Okay.

And it was. Yeah. I mean, it's. I'm really close with my mom. I like living with my mom. It's not terrible. It's just that it makes my sex life more complicated because she, you know, when I was growing up, she was really strict about stuff like this. She was open in terms of education and wanting us to be safe, but, you know, was always, like, super intimidating with boyfriends and stuff. And I think she wants to transition out of that, but it's been kind of challenging for her to be like, okay, you're sleeping at a guy's house, and I have never had to face this with you before. So this is so weird.

Right?

And, like, I'm not even joking. I can't even masturbate without her knowing.

Wait, wait, wait. So you masturbate and she's like, hey, what's going on in there? Like, she knows that you're masturbating.

She will come in my room without knocking.

Okay, this is so.

I wouldn't even do it.

This is an okay. Why did you. Why did you have to move back into your mom's house?

Well, it's just that it's like, it makes financial sense right now, but I think that I'm gonna, like, I have A few friends who live on farms and might let me live with them and just work on the farm to pay rent, which works for me.

And animals won't care, since I asked you.

Yeah, exactly.

They don't care if you're mast. They're master. They're making noises. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. They're all about the noises. And when I wrote the question, it was before I actually met a guy in the like who lives close to my mom. And. And he's actually with me right now. He's outside the room, but he is. I'm on a date with him right now. Like, he's at this house where I'm house sitting. But so it's been cool. Cause I've been able to go to his house and like, we don't have to be, you know, dealing with my mom and all this stuff. But I was curious in general about, like, what kinds of, like, any advice about, like, setting boundaries around that stuff without offending my mom? Because I do really care about her and I don't want her to feel.

No, that's a really good question. And I didn't mean to say that. God, everyone has a problem living at home. I'm just saying parents, you know, like, you're 20, you lived out of the house for a while and you moved back in. And so I think you can just say to her, like, you have to. Do you ever have any talks with your mom about confrontations or anything? Have you had a serious talk with your mom about things going on in your life?

Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. I think that you just have to tell. I mean, so you do have that groundwork with her. And I would just say, mom, you know, I love your generosity. I love that you've opened up the home to me when I've needed to live here. And I just want you to know that I am having sex right now. And. And do you want to say masturbation to your mom because. Or do you just want to ask her for privacy? Like, I don't know, how much do you need to tell her that you're masturbating having sex? Or do you just want more privacy and boundaries in that way? Because, like, I know that I'm in your home, mom, because, like, I feel like when I would go back home for periods of time, my mom would be like, it's my house. And so, blah, blah, blah, if you're in my house, you know? But I think there's nothing wrong with saying, like, I'm here, I'm an adult. Like, I'm not still like 14 year old girl. And I, you know, I. Look, you've been a great mom. All this stuff, like, I need my privacy. And so if you, if you really need to talk to me, let me know. But when my door is shut, please respect that.

Yeah, Yeah, I think she would receive that. Well, it's like we. And she knows that. She knows that I'm having sex and she knows that I masturbate. And she's cool with that, like, in theory, but it's the actual practice of respecting those lines and, like not giving me her opinion on the dates that I go on. Like, like a couple weeks ago, I stayed over a guy's house. On the second date, I slept at his house.

Okay.

And I felt fine about it. It was the decision I was comfortable with. My mom was like, like, oh, well, that's kind of fast. You know, like she wants to share.

Right? You don't even want to hear that feedback from her. So I think, okay, so then this is good. I think you just say when the door is closed because she's probably not opening the door to think, like, you're masturbating. She's probably like, oh, you know, Aisha, here's your mail. Whatever. You got a package. You know, you're like, I've got my rabbit in my vagina. Like, leave the room. You know, my rabbit. So I get it. I think you just have to say to her, like, listen, I know I'm living at home. I appreciate you opening a home again, but, you know, I am an adult. I just want you to know I'm making good choices. I. I feel good about the people I'm dating and what I'm doing. And so I' if there's something to talk about. But when you make comments like that, it makes me feel judged. And I just want you to know, mom, that you've raised me well. I feel really good about the choices I make sexually, using protection, whatever you want to say. And that you don't have to worry about me. And I'll let you know when I have more to discuss and to get and to give you privacy. And you could even say, like, just sometimes I'm in the mood, like I'm reading or I'm. I'm doing something and just when you walk in, it kind of startles me. And I just, I think it's great that privacy and I won't walk in on you when I, you know, when you're doing stuff. And so just, you know, I think it's important for us all to have our privacy and respect. I think you just gotta lay it down.

It is. Yeah.

And thank her.

Yeah, that totally helps.

Yeah.

I was so shy about it because I was like, I'm living in her house. Like, I don't know what my right.

Like, what are you.

What's my right? Like, you know what I mean? Cause I'm living there.

Exactly. And you feel like, well, I gotta just still be a little girl, and she's gotta look at you differently and say, mom, you should feel really good because you raised me really well. Like, I love you, mom, but I am 20 years old right now, and because of you and the advice you've given me, like, I'm making good choices, and I want you to know that I'm in a good place. And just reassure, be positive, and just let her know that it is her house. You appreciate what she's done for you. You thank her. And maybe there's other ways she wants you to contribute. I don't know if you're, like, pulling your weight around there, if you're emptying the dishwasher and doing stuff like that. But, you know, I could just feel like, so if you're doing that and you're contributing, she should have no problem with these boundaries.

Awesome.

Okay, cool. Thank you, Emily. Thank you. Good luck with this. I'm glad you found a guy. Go enjoy your date.

Thanks. Cool. I will.

Okay. Bye, Aisha. Thanks. Yeah, parents, I get it. Sometimes they don't look at you, like, as you've grown up yet. And they're like, when you're in my house, you're gonna be coming home at this time. And I. Like, when you're an adult, you get very set in your ways. So if you're a kid and you leave home and you come back, your parents are like, what are you doing? But I think also we have to remember that, like. Like I said, she was nervous talking to her. I think the more you learn to, like, speak your truth and be honest with your parents and your friends and your peers, it gets easier. This whole communication thing that I always say, we are not born with the skills to communicate about sex. We're really not born with the skills to communicate about a lot of things. And it's really hard for us to confront people because whether it's our parents or anyone, because we think we're going to be rejected. They're not going to like us. We. All this fear of not being loved and everything kind of goes back to that. But once you start practicing these Things. Little conversations with your parents or as things come up, it's gonna get easier. That's why I say it all gets easier and it gets better. These are great skills. I love that. She's 20 and she's starting to do it now because some people never do it.

Okay, our next call is Walter. He's 27, from Louisiana, and he's looking for a little advice to help him overcome his nervousness when talking to girls. Hey, Walter, you're on a boat.

Yes, I am.

Do you, like, live on a boat?

I live while I'm working here.

Okay, got it. That's awesome. I don't think I've ever gotten a call from a boat. So what's going on, Walter? Talk to me. What's going on with the women?

Well, I don't know. I don't know. I've always kind of been shy about it. A lot of people don't believe me when I say it because I'm slightly outgoing, but when it comes to women, I kind of freeze up. Not sure how to talk to them or what to say. Like, I can speak to them, ask them for a phone number, but after that point, I'm kind of stuck.

So you get there. So you actually meet women. You meet women when you're out. Right. And you. And you talk to them, and they give you their phone number.

Right.

That's awesome. Okay, so that's beyond what a lot of people struggle with, just talking to women. So. So you've got the number. They like you enough to give you their number, and so now you're like, what do I do next? Do I call them? Do I text them?

Them?

Is that kind of where we're at?

Pretty much. And, you know, and I'm kind of. If I do text them or whatever, it kind of. Kind of gets dry. Like, I don't know what to tell.

Okay, so give me an example. Okay. Who's the last girl you married? Like, what's a good story? Yeah, tell me. What, like the latest. Yeah, what happened?

I kind of get a number, and we kind of talk. We kind of. Kind of set up a little date. But in between where? I think we're gonna. You know, I think we're gonna do it. It's kind of how you're doing sometimes, you know, they might be busy or whatever. Or when I get into the conversation, I'm not sure where to go.

Okay, so is it a texting. So it's a texting conversation. You're texting them. Okay, so this. Okay, so texting is an art. Texting is like the new talking. Because I could tell you to pick up the phone and call her and like, how does that make you feel?

I don't know.

I mean, I don't mind calling. I just. Some people get weird about calls.

I know they are. Well, do you think that you're better on the phone or you're better with texting? Because I can get. Cuz. Cuz texting matters now.

Like if you're like, see, yeah. If it's not something I mention, if it's. If it's just a friend, it's like.

Right, of course I can just talk.

But it's like I'm 27, but I enjoy video games, I enjoy comic books. I like those kind of things.

Right?

So I know for a lot of people, especially Louisiana girls, they aren't really into that kind of stuff. They like the country. That's how I want them. You know, he out budding and hunting and all that stuff. It's kind of what the popular thing is around it.

Right. Okay, so here's the thing. It's really just about being. Having an interesting conversation. So this is like an art. Like it's a. Like whether you text or whether you call. So you said that, you said a follow up text like, hey, how you doing? It was nice to meet you. Right? And she's like, like, great, nice to meet you too. You're like, how was your day? Like, I. I just fell asleep like just telling you that. So you really have to know and believe me, I do. This happens to me. I get these texts all the time. We all do that. We do. I've done it. But what I realized is that you really have to if you're interested in them. The faster that you move. And you're like, it was so nice talking to you. You put a little more texture on it. There's nothing wrong with asking how your day. Everyone don't. I'm kidding. You can ask someone how their day is, but if you're just going back and forth like, hey, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too. How's your day? She's like, whatever, I just met you at a Bartlett. Like you both know you're interested. So I would say like, great meeting you last night. I'd love to get a drink. What are you doing Friday night? And be direct. Make it clear that you want to see her again because you don't want to care how her. You don't really care how her day is. I mean, at that moment. Because you don't know how it was yesterday. You just met her, so it's almost like escalating this. And that's why I think you could say I could give you a call we can discuss. So I think, like, the random active phone call, like, out of nowhere might freak people out. But if you're like, hey, so nice meeting you. I'd love to get together. We're. What's a good time to call so we can make a plan, like, that's so much more aggressive. And I mean, in a good way. And confident and, like, assertive. Not aggressive. That's assertive and confident. And you're showing her that, like, I found you interesting, and I want to take this to the next step. Does that help where you were getting stuck?

Yeah, it actually does.

Good.

I never. I didn't even. It stumbles. So simple. I didn't even, like, think. I didn't even think about it. It's like I overthought it.

You what? No. Right. Because you don't know. And the girl. Here's the thing, Women, we're getting a lot of text, especially with online dating. Like, I've been doing this, like, bumble thing and Tinder. It's like, I get all these messages and, like, they all look nice, but they're all like, hi. Hi. How's your day? And I'm not saying this is the only criterion I use, but if it's back and forth, I'm like, I don't have time for this. I don't even know you. Let's just go. Like, there's just. We're all busy. We all have stuff going on. So I think the guys were like, let's talk. Let's see if we like each other. Like, let's get on the phone, let's meet up and move it along the better. Because then she won't remember you are for a week. If it's like, how was your day? How's your Tuesday? Happy Wednesday. Tgif. You're like, really? Who are you? So I just think that you gotta just do it. Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

That literally sounds like, you know, I try to be. I try to work in. I try not to be overly aggressive.

Right.

Because I've been told I'm too aggressive, I guess. I don't know.

Interesting.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't know.

You've been told you're aggressive in person or with texting.

Yeah, well, this was in high school.

Okay. So we hold on to stuff. Right? You don't sound aggressive to me at all. So I bet you this is what happens to us. This is why I'm trying to undo all this stuff that we've learned, because we don't even realize it. So in high school, one time you're at a party drunk, and you were probably hitting on a girl, and someone said you were aggressive. And now it's like you're 27 years old, and you're not that same Walter. And you're still thinking, I gotta be chill talking to these chicks. And that's not working anymore. So I think you can be assertive and confident, and you can project that with your voice and with your texts and let her know you're being business and you want to see her.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

You got this, Walter. Okay.

All right.

Let me know how it goes. Thanks for calling.

I will.

Bye. I could feel that boat. I kind of wanted to be on a boat. Could you hear that water? It was kind of, like, relaxing and then distracting at the same time. Yeah. You guys, I think this texting thing is a huge. I want to say it's like a new skill we have to all learn. It's kind of like an art. And I've been lazy, too. In fact, it wasn't until I was talking to friends. She's like, let me look at your phone and what you sent this guy. Sometimes I'm busy. I'm like, hey. And I'm not doing it either. But it just take a moment. And if you are only communicating through text, it doesn't have to be paragraphs. In fact, I tell you not to do that. I would tell you, like, fewer words the better, but make them count. Be specific. If you want to date someone, like, let them know you want to make a plan, because everyone's texting everybody now, and you want to stand out. And it's not with, like, a funny joke or a dick pic. Okay, no dick pics. But it's just, like, being interesting, being interested, and make it a move, making a plan. No one wants, like, a texting relationship. It's really boring. Okay, our next call is Danielle. She's 22, from Atlanta, and she's wondering how to bring the passion back to her relationship when she's too stressed for sex. Hi, Danielle.

Hey. How's it going?

Good. Thanks for calling in. So you're stressed. You're stressed. I'm stressed. We're also goddamn stressed today. Do you know, like, they're, like. They're saying, we're more stressed than ever in the world. In America, for sure. That's okay. I get it. What's going on with you particularly? What's your particular form of stress?

I mean, I'm in school right now, so school is definitely, like, in my head. And we'll be trying to have sex, and I'm like, oh, my gosh. I have questions I have to do. I have reading, and it's, like, hard to get out of my head.

Oh, I totally get that.

It's hard to, like, stay in the moment. It's hard to stay wet. It's just.

I totally get everything you're saying here. So what have you tried? Nothing. Just have it. So we're starting with a blank slate here. Like, your mind is still going to. Like, I didn't pick up my dry cleaning and I got to answer these papers, right?

Kind of. Although this. This has been my spring break this last couple days, and we went away for the weekend, and that was so much better to, like, get out of the house, no homework. That was really good.

Right. I always.

We also started talking about maybe doing swinging.

Oh, no, that's. I don't think. Okay, so how long have you guys been together?

Almost six years.

Okay. Oh, and you're 22, and you be. You've been together six years?

We were, like, 17.

Okay. All right. There's a lot going on here. So. Okay, first of all, let's. Okay, so to me, you're 22 years old. You've been together six years. He's the first person you've been with.

No.

Okay, that's fine, too. I mean, I'm just wondering. But for six years, you've only been with each other, you think? Pretty much. Okay, so the last thing you want to do when you want to bring passion back into the relationship is start swinging and having sex with other people. Because that never works. That's like. People have babies to, like, save their relationship. Then you got, like, a baby forever. That doesn't work. The swinging doesn't work either, because then there's going to be all this jealousy, and you're with somebody else, and you're probably going to end up liking someone else, and you're. You're going to get out of your head because it's new and exciting, and you're in a relationship right now that, like, you know. You know how the sex goes, and you're comfortable with him, and so sex gets a little more challenging. I only recommend couple should start to swing or open up their relationship when they're on really solid ground and they're like, God, we're having amazing sex. And we're super connected, and so now maybe that'd be cool to swing, and we could talk about our boundaries and we could do it together, and it becomes like a way to expand their connection, to enhance it. But your relationship would fall apart. If you still want to be with him and you want to know about getting out of your head during sex, we can talk about that because this is such a common challenge for so many, so many women. I say if you still love your boyfriend and you want to be with him, them that it would be great for you to focus on, because this is going to happen in every relationship, and this happens to women all the time and men. But I think. I think women more than men because for guys, they get just turned on right away, right? Like, you come home, he sees you, he's like, babe, you look so hot. Let's have sex. But for us, if our brain isn't on board with sex, like, we just. We're not wet, we're not turned on. We're not thinking about it. We're all really stressed out. And so what you have to do is. It's a practice, right? So, like, the reason why, when you were on vacation, it felt so good. It's because you removed all those distractions, right? You. You weren't in your bedroom having sex in the same place, and you weren't looking at your stack of bills in the corner. And so it sounded like you have to create that same environment when you guys are, like, home together. So how do you.

I like that.

Yeah. You know, and so think about what that was and how you felt almost like channeling those feelings that you were having when you guys were just together and you were connected. So that's one thing. It's like, you know, you know you can do it because you just had a great time together and you had great sex. It's. Your mindset is like a huge part of your sexual pleasure and your orgasm. And if you're in your mind thinking it's not going to happen, or I don't want sex, you know, that will keep you from having your orgasm. So also, I'd say you have to get rid of the tension. Like when you're outside the bedroom, like, do you meditate or do you exercise? Do you do anything like that?

Yeah, I've been. I run a lot. That's definitely my stress reliever. I've tried meditating, but I can't get myself to sit still for more than 10 minutes.

I know, I know. It's a practice. It's A process. But your brain is the largest sex organ, right? And your brain has got to be on board with it. So if you start thinking about things that, like, turn you on, do you also. Do you masturbate? You're probably like, I have no problem.

Honestly, I've never been able to, like, get to orgasm when I masturbate myself.

Really? Never. And only with your partner, have you?

It's like, I get horny and I do it for a little bit, and then I get bored and I stop.

Really? So this might be good for you, too, because if we talk about, like, okay, no, that's common too, right? You're distracted as well. You're like, I might as well just go upstairs. Sex. But masturbation is so important for women, even when you're in a relationship, because you'll start to feel more connected to your body. And so much of it sounds like you're just disconnected. And a lot of this has to do with masturbation without the goal of orgasm. And same with the sex with your boyfriend. Like, without the goal of anything. Just being present in the moment. So if you start to masturbate on your own and you start to think about, like, a fantasy is a big part. So think about last weekend and how hot it was. Like, whatever it is that gets you turned on. So you have like a go to fantasy. Yeah, like a go to fantasy. And then you start thinking about that and touching yourself and, like, using toys or whatever works. You'll start to get into the mood for sex work. Because the more that you have orgasms and you start to achieve that intimacy with yourself, the more you're going to want to have sex and you're going to masturbate. It's like a loop, right? But right now I just feel like you're cut. You're shut down and. Or you're cut off between your body and your mind. Because also when you're having sex with your partner, I would say that you have to. And this goes for masturbation as well. Like, breathing. A lot of us, like, we just shut off our breath completely when we're having sex. And so if you find that your mind is wandering when you're having sex, go back to your breath. Go back to, like, breathing down. Like, literally. Like, when you. Because that's all you have to focus on. If you're like, oh, and you might. This could take you, like, 15 times.

Podcast before saying, like, breathing into your pelvis.

Yes, Breathe into your pelvic floor. I was going to tell you that next Is that like. And that's something you could also practice during masturbation and helps women have orgasms. Because you. You just sound like you're disconnected. And once you start literally breathing into your pelvic floor, you're waking up your entire pelvic region. You're connecting to it. You're feeling like. I always talk about doing your kaggle exercises, and that's because you're breathing into that area and you're waking it up. You're connecting to it. And then another trick while you're breathing during sex is also to start to just, like, tensing and relaxing your kaggle muscles, like, just start flexing them, like breathing and like, tensing, relaxing, tensing and relaxing. And that will actually start, like, your pumping, pumping blood into that region as well. And that will start to turn you on. So that combination of like, literally doing your Kegels while you're having sex, while you're trying to get turned on and breathing will really help you stay focused. And it's not going to happen right away because you've been distracted for a while. So just be kind to yourself. And when you notice your mind wandering, you bring it back to the breath. You bring it back to what your sensations, what you're feeling in the moment. I think if you start those exercises on your own and with your partner, you'll actually start to feel less stress in your life. And you might find yourself, like, craving masturbation and craving even meditation because you're like, oh, I actually felt more relaxed because we're all really stressed out and it's not going to go away. Yeah. How does that sound? Does that sound. You can do it? Okay, cool.

That definitely sounds doable.

Good. We've got a plan here. Good. Well, good luck. You got this. We all got this. We just gotta breathe more and slow down. I'm trying to do it too. I'm doing my kegels right now.

Okay, well, thank you so much for all your help.

You're welcome. Bye, Danielle. Thanks.

Bye.

That is a good call, you guys. How stressed out is everybody? Everyone's running around. We're stressed. We're stressed. I'm stressed. I get it, you guys, but we have to do something about it. And you are in control of your stress because it's not going away. I'm telling you, you're gonna continue to be stressed. It's like we get addicted to the stress and we get addicted to the adrenaline. And I'm. And the only thing we control, like, we are in control of that. Cause if you think about the things that you're mostly stressed about, first of all, they never happen. Okay, let's be honest, they never happen. And there's always something else around the corner. Like the second you get unstressed about this, you're gonna stress about something else. So I so the sooner you learn to manage your stress through breathing, meditation, walking, and realizing that you're actually in control of it, it will just set you free, people. I promise. The truth and the breath will set you free. Those were some great calls. That's all we got time for today. Thank you everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. I love hearing from you. Thank you for calling into the show. If you want to send me a question, you can just go to sexwithemily.com and click on the Ask Emily tab and fill out the form and I hit submit. That's it. I love hearing from you. Please also follow me on social media because I love that too. I love answering you, I love reading your snaps and I snap you back. Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook. It's all Sex with Emily. So thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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