Let's Get it On (Period)

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Emily on today's show. Things are getting touchy feely in more ways than one. Topics include the sexy and sometimes mind blowing results of directly express and your needs to your partner. Ways to stimulate all parts of the clitoris for truly orgasmic outcomes. How to make your partner more comfortable with having sex during your period. Getting back to HPV basics. After all, it is STD awareness month and why you should focus less on your sexual experience and more on your sexual exploration. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes they call them in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good. Well, you know, Emily's, not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com and subscribe and comment on itunes. We love that. And it's Sex with Emily across the board. Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, all those fun places. I'm sitting here with Jamie because we got some cool stuff to talk to you about, like our epic Ohs Ahs of March contest.

Yes, those aha moments.

They fit so well.

The aha moments.

And we got a lot of amazing submissions, guys. I will say, while they were fun to read, some of them were a little on the long side, which are great. But just letting you know, we got a lot, so it's kind of hard to get through all of them. Although I do like the backstory when we have the time.

Yeah, we do. And now we have the winners we posted in a blog, and we're gonna read some excerpts.

Yes, we are.

Cause they're awesome and inspiring. Okay. All right, let's just read. The reason why I love these submissions is we did get a lot of them, which is so great, because I feel like you guys could really learn from these too. Like, I always get inspired by reading how other people change up their sex life. So, Jame, you could read one of the winners.

Yes. So we did put some of these up on a blog, and to be anonymous, we changed all the names. So this came from, quote, unquote, Garrett. And so he and his wife discovered mutual masturbation and how much they loved it. But their aha moment with that is that they actually couldn't really decide on a time to do it again. They're always like, oh, it was just like, you know, most of the time, we're like, oh, we'll have sex. But they knew they wanted to do it again, so they started scheduling mutual masturbation dates. And I was like, that is amazing, because we always talk about scheduling sex, but scheduling mutual masturbation. So great. So they call it masturbation Mondays.

I don't know why we didn't think about that. Right, right. Because. Yeah, that's brilliant. So I'll read the other one. Yeah. Okay. This is probably the biggest oh moment for me, and it's something intangible, but so important. I've stopped performing sexual enjoyment and started focusing on actually feeling it. The change is insane. I've always been super sexually open and wild, according to most partners, but it turns out a lot of it was A highly conditioned, learned act from porn mostly, and from the image in my head of what they wanted. I'm more wild now with my partner simply by being vulnerable and by being vocal about my actual desires and needs. And it seriously made all the difference. And this is from Karen, age 32. And the P.S. p.S. The womanizer. Holy shit. Praise the sex toy goddess, aka Emily. Turns out I'm a squirter. People love that womanizer. And, yeah, I love that she realized that she just wasn't in her body and she was, like, performing and not feeling.

Yeah, I think that's great. And it's, like, such a small change, but it made the world of difference. And so that's why I'm saying these moments are like, oh, oh, my God. I get it now.

Right? So check out this blog, what yout Aha. Sex Moments. And I'm gonna say here, we should probably. We got a lot of them. We could do other blogs.

Mm.

Posting them so people can check out what people wrote. We have a new contest too, that is Kegels of Steel.

There's a blog about it on the site. Just search that. And it has all the deets.

I love it. Okay, so let's get into the show. I've been dating someone. I have a boyfriend. I don't think I've even mentioned this to you guys, so I want to tell you that I have a boyfriend, and I wanted to share with you something that's kind of funny. He's a comedian, and I'm a sex expert. So we have a lot of fun together. Sometimes it feels like we have our own rom com going on. So here's what happened, and I wanted to share this with you because I think you guys might get something out of this story. It all comes down to communication, my favorite thing. So I have, you know. You know, I work a lot. I'm working, and my business has always come first. And I've had boyfriends and relationships in the past, but, you know, my work is important to me. So we were hanging out recently, and I've been traveling a lot. We were at my house and I was working on something till late. I think I had a press request due. And I was writing and I was working, and it was a busy time. And I was done around midnight. And he looks at me. I was like, okay, I'm done. And he's like, do you even have time for a boyfriend? You really don't? Like, what?

Don't you.

Don't you write about this stuff? Like, don't you Teach people how to, like, prioritize relationships. So he got mad at me because clearly I was not making time for it. And at first I was like, yes, I do. I get that you feel this way. And then I started to laugh because the reason why I was not paying attention to him for the last hour is because I was literally writing an article for Ask Men about prioritizing sex and your relationship and making your partner feel they are important. And so there I was, and he's like, okay, so you helped. You were ignoring me and helping millions of people, writing this article for your website and for a press thing and not for me.

So.

So I was like, oh, God. Classic. I am so sorry. Okay, so tell me what's going on? So we started talking. He's like, I just feel like we never get to see each other. We don't spend enough time together. And I want to feel like I'm a priority in your life and that I don't feel like you really have enough time for a boyfriend. And I gotta be honest with you guys. I've heard this from many boyfriends in the past. In fact, this was a pattern of mine, especially when I was building sex with Emily. Like, you know, it's been 13 years, but it was like I sold everything I owned. I was living with a friend. Like, I went through all of that trying to make this. And boyfriends really could, but I'm not in that place anymore. So I really listened to what he was saying, and I. And I was like, okay. So I know. He said, well, how could you not realize, Emily, that this is important? Every time we talk, like, I make it clear. Don't you feel like we're not spending time together? I said, I gotta be honest with you. We are spending time together. I see you more than anybody, and every time we talk on the phone, you say to me, oh, well, we're gonna see each other Wednesday, Thursday. And I'm like, yeah, how about Thursday? I said, so I'm not really sure what you're saying, because we are seeing each other. He said, well, it would be so nice if you could just call me up and say, Friday night we're going to a movie, and we're going to this party, and this is what you're doing. And I said, oh, wait, let's back up. This is a communication thing. You're telling me that you want to spend more time together every time we talk? Because literally every time we talk, he's like, when are we seeing each other next? But what he was really Saying is it made him feel. It would make him feel so much better if I actually initiated the plan and I made him. And I made it feel like I had actually considered us doing something together ahead of time and made it special. His love language is quality time, you guys. You know, we've talked about the love languages, so it wasn't even just about the quantity of time. It was about me initiating it.

So I really had to listen to.

This so I could have taken on face value and I could have said, okay, you know? But what I did was I repeated back to him and I said, so what you're saying is you really need me to. Because I think this light bulb went off because I was kind of confused at first. I was like, I see you all the time. When I really drilled it down. And I repeated back to him, so what you're saying is you want to spend more time together. That's when he said to me, well, it would be nice if you just called up and initiated. See what I'm saying? So when you repeat back what you're hearing, it's kind of like that imago theory that we've talked about, where you listen to your partner and you talk and then you repeat it back so you make sure that you're clear. This is where a lot of conversations and a lot of communication, I think, in relationships fail is because we say, well, I had the conversation. I told him I needed more foreplay. I told him it was important for him to meet my friends. I told her that she needed to make dinner for me or needed to. I don't know what. Whatever it is, we think that we've said it and it's done. But not only do we need to hear things a few times, we need to go a little bit deeper, ask a few more questions, and be really good listeners and ask good questions. Because if you can't communicate about simple things like planning time and making time for each other, you do realize that this is all the stuff that trickles down into your relationship and eventually, you know, makes sex and communication that much harder. Even I. I am not perfect, you guys. I talk about relationships all the time, and I was writing a relationship article instead of being with my boyfriend who was sitting there waiting to talk to me. Okay, but the point here is that the more you can have these conversations, and again, they don't happen. We sat on the couch, we looked at each other. I really tried to listen. I wasn't angry. But these are the kind of things that go unresolved that Oftentimes these little things, they will build up over time. And then this is why you stop having sex in relationships. It's not even about the sex anymore. It's because six months ago you forgot to get the car washed. Buy your partner a gift, do something. You guys get it. These resentments, resentments build up over time. So I just love that we were able to talk about it. So I think getting into the distinction with him and really being able to talk about it helped us. So I hope you guys continue to ask questions, be good listeners to your partner, and have amazing sex. Okay, we're going to take a quick break and when we get back, I'm going to get right into your emails.

Now we're on to your emails. If you have a question you want me answer on the show, it's so easy, just text ask emily one word to 797979. That's ask emily one word to 797979. You receive a short form and you can fill out all the details. And also if you want to be called on a future caller show, just say yes. You can also submit a question from the sexwithemily.com site via the Ask Emily tab. And as always, include your gender, your age, where you listen, and how you listen to the show. Can't wait to hear from you. All right, our first email is from Jonathan, 20, from Illinois. Hi Emily. I've been listening to your podcast for quite some time. It's honestly the best one by far. I've learned so much from hearing you talk on your show. You often talk about the clitoral legs and how they're mostly shaped like a wishbone. What's the best way to stimulate the clitoral legs? Or is this too specific of a question? Should I just stimulate the actual clitoris? And can you recommend some techniques? Thank you, Jonathan. Thanks, Jonathan. I love a man who has a deep fascination with the clitoris. And I love that you're asking this question. I think a lot of you are probably like, what legs? I'm just glad that I know about the clitoris. That delightful pea sized nub of pleasure right underneath the clitoral hood. We all know about the pea sized clitoris, but the thing is that beyond the Clitoris, there's a 3 to 5 inch long structure that stems along the vaginal canal inward, so it's shaped like a wishbone. And it gets more swollen when you're turned on, so easier to stimulate. But it goes along the vaginal walls and you can find them. It's sort of like the inner labia. It's right behind there. So here's some ways to stimulate them. You can use your fingers and just gently apply pressure up and down the labia. Or you can place your hand. So if you're facing her like she's laying down and you have your palm open facing her, you can place your hand over her vulva. Put some lube on your hands because that always feels good. And just apply pressure so your fingers are landing, like, right on top of her clitoris or on her pubic mound. And then you'll realize that that can just feel so good. The warmth of your hand with. With the pressure and with the. The lube is going to feel amazing. You can also just, like, make your fingers in a V shape so they're tracing along the labia, the inner labia. So that's where the legs are, the clitoris. The 8,000 nerve endings spread out all over the vulva. So, great question. And Jonathan, I'm actually going to create a special video here for all of you so I can show you with my vulva puppet exactly how to stimulate the clitoris in full so we all are satisfied and happy. This is from Zoe, 21, in California. She wants to know. Hey, Emily, I have a question about period sex. I personally love masturbating or having intercourse while I'm menstruating. It feels extra sensitive and just overall, so much more pleasurable. Although it can get a little messy. My previous partner had no problem with it. However, my current boyfriend can't seem to wrap his head around it. I've approached the situation a few times, explaining how awesome it feels, but he still has reservations. Do you have any advice on how to approach the situation so he might want to try it, or should I just respect his wishes and drop it? Thanks so much, Zoe. Okay, Zoe, this is a great question, because I think we don't know what to do. Like, it's like, a lot of us do get. We get a lot more turned on when we have our period and we want to have sex. And I found over the years, it varies from partner to partner. If there's anything I've learned from relationships over the years, there's the boyfriends who are like, I don't care that you're menstruating. And he's like, I'm gonna take out your tampon with my teeth. You know, there's those guys, and then there's the guys who are like, oh, my God, gross. Let's take a shower. Let's just have sex in the shower. Maybe they don't say gross, but they're thinking it because they're just not used to the blood. And I have to tell you, I'm more aligned with the guy who's, like, somewhere in the middle there, you don't need to remove my tampon with your teeth. Although points for enthusiasm. I'm all down with, like, let's throw down a towel on the bed, or, let's take a shower and still have sex. Anyway, it's hard for me, and it has been over the years. If there's a guy who's like, gross. Ew, no. Because, hey, we're women. We bleed. It's beautiful. Sex is messy. Sex is not this clean and neat and tidy thing. It's just not. So. Really, I understand that that you want to respect your boyfriend, because what I found is there's been the guys who were like, no, no, no, we can never do it. But when I. Because maybe they had a bad experience in the past. For example, a woman said she wasn't on the period, and then she was. And then, like, he ruined his mom's sheets because they were having sex in her bed and it was a bloody mess. You have to remember that a lot of people's reactions to things during sex, whether it's period or anal sex or just going down in someone, a lot of it has to do with past experiences or past information. You said you've explained to him how awesome it feels, but he has reservations. Maybe you could either ask him what the reservations are if something's happened to him before, or you're just like, take a shower together and have sex in the shower and see how that goes. Or put down some towels. I really think that maybe you could just kind of say, well, ask him the why, too. You could say, well, why don't you want to? He might tell you, like, I don't like seeing the sight of blood, or, I had a bad experience once. So I think relationships are all about compromise. I totally understand that, but I think it can't hurt to kind of drill down on this and kind of find out more what it's about, because I get it. Period sex can feel amazing, and when you want to have it, you want to have it. This is from Robin, 34, from Kentucky. Dear Emily, over the past few years, my pap has been abnormal. Since it's been abnormal three years in a row, my OBGYN went a step further and did a colonoscopy, which showed mild dysplasia. She Told me I had a low risk strain of hpv, not the one that causes cervical cancer. The only problem is my husband and I have only had sex or any other type of sexual contact with each other. Are there other ways to get low risk strains of HPV other than sexual contact? I don't understand how it's possible that I have this. Thank you, Robin. Okay, Robin, thank you for your question. I understand your concern here. And since April is STI awareness month, we can start with the HPV basics. So here's the deal with hpv. Most people don't even know they have it. There might be no physical symptoms like a general wart. And most of the population who are sexually active do have hpv, and they don't even know it. So there's that. So how do you get it? Well, you know, you get it through sex. But it's all different kinds of sex. Sex. Oral, anal, sex, kissing, saliva. I don't know your husband, but I can only believe that he's been very honest with you. But perhaps he was a carrier and didn't even know it. I mean, a lot of people have HPV and they don't know it. It doesn't show up on tests or they've never been tested. Maybe he was passed on from birth, you know, from his mother, his father. He could have made out and kissed. He could have made out with someone or kissed someone before he knew you, since you guys have only been with each other. But bottom line is, I don't think there's any cause for alarm. I love that your doctor is aware of your results, and it sounds like your doctor is charting the best course for you. And so I just don't want you to go down this negative rabbit hole with your husband, accuse him of anything, because this does happen. It does happen that it shows up with couples where someone has never been tested or their test came in negative. Their partner's test came in negative, theirs came in positive. So I think it's a great idea for your husband to get tested. But please, just keep everything perspective and work with your doctor and your husband to make sure you're all on the right track. Sounds like you're doing the right things. Thanks for your email, Robin. This is from Emily, 22, in California. Hi, Emily. Here's another Emily here with a problem that I feel is ruining my life. My partner and I have been together for about a year, and things were going very well. We were on the same page, committed to each other, had a fabulous sex life. Last week, things took A turn when he told me that he's still attracted to me and loves me, but for the first time in his life, he's having feelings for another man. Being the open and free loving bisexual woman I am, I was completely accepting and open to his feelings. We decided to separate, but stay in each other's lives as he sorts through his feelings and I felt okay about the situation. I'm having trouble understanding my place in all this and why I'm feeling this deep hurt. While trying to respect and empathize with his new feelings. Do I walk away and try to forget this relationship ever happened, or do I stay committed and help him sort through things? Thanks, Emily. 22. Okay, Emily, I think it totally makes sense that you'd be having these feelings and you'd be having this strong reaction to, you know, hearing that your partner has feelings for a man. So it's just like anyone else when their partner tells them that they want to leave or things have changed or they've met someone else, whether it's a man or a woman. I think that the challenge here is that you found out it was so sudden and that going through a breakup is never easy, that you didn't see it coming, that you're still in love with him. I don't think it's about the fact that, oh, well, he has feelings for men, so I should just walk away. And it sounds like he's sort of questioning his feelings for men or he's just starting along that path. I can't tell you if you should stay or you should go. But if you guys have a really close relationship, friendship, he might really need you right now, and you might really. It might serve both of you to kind of work through this together, to be supportive while still maybe seeing other people, you know, relationships. I think that we often think of the terms of it being so black and white, right? Like, you're committed now you're not. He's gonna go seek out men and you're bisexual and you're gonna be with women and men. But maybe you don't need to know the answer yet, but you can continue to talk to him and ask how he would need you in his life. I mean, so I think this could be a great time for you guys to really actually enhance your intimacy. And that could actually turn into amazing friends or you could still say lovers. So I think that's why it's so hard, because sometimes we forget that when we go through a breakup, it's not just your lover, but it's your best friend. This person can become your family. So I think you just have to have more, you know, talk to them more. And I wouldn't run away and try to figure out what the next steps are together. I've often said this, and I think Menace used to tease me that I am truly friends with a lot of my exes. Of course, there's like the douchebag ones or the people who really were bad to you. I'm not saying that everybody needs to stay in your life, but when a romantic relationship ends, a lot of times there's still a lot of really good feelings there. And a friendship that can really bloom over the years if you stay connected. And oftentimes it doesn't happen the day you break up. We need space, but there's a reason why we love someone and why we want to spend so much time with them. So sometimes the romantic feelings aren't there, but the friendships are. So I think that before you just throw someone away and decide you can never be with them, I think that a lot of beautiful friendships are born from ex lovers. So I just want to throw that out there. This is from Chelsea, 24, in Virginia. Hi, Emily. I'm a new listener and I'm so glad I found your podcast. When I was growing up, sex was indirectly demonized in my house as something people shouldn't do outside of marriage. I came to fear sex and feel guilty for even thinking about it. When I went to college, I was ready to experiment and start dating. When I found out my parents were getting divorced, I shut myself off the dating because it was just a chore with how stressful my life was at the time. I'm just now ready to be more sexually open and date more, but I feel like I'm so late to the game. I didn't have full intercourse until over a year ago, and I can't get past the fact that I'm behind and someone might not like my lack of experience. What's the best way to increase my confidence, get out there more and really find my sexuality in my mid-20s. And this is Chelsea, 24. Chelsea, thanks for your email. Because I think that it's common that people think there's a certain age that you should lose your virginity and that you should have all this experience. But the thing about sex is you should never feel bad that you're more or less experienced than anyone else. And if you're with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable for that, that's not your person. 24 is a perfect age for you to start Getting into your sexuality, my first recommendation would be to really start to excel, explore your body, masturbate, figure out what makes you feel good. So when you are in a relationship, you're just going to be in that sexual place and really not with the goal of orgasm, just with the goal of being touched and being aroused and, like, figuring out how to turn yourself on by, you know, thinking sexy thoughts or watching porn or reading erotica, writing your own erotica, you know, fantasizing about someone that you find cute wherever that you just met. So I don't think that you have to go right to sex, right to having sex with someone. I think that the people like, oh, I just want to get it over with and sleep with someone. I think that you are in a prime spot right now. I love that you haven't jumped into sex and that you realize that a lot of it does go back to childhood. And I hope that you've done some work around this, because there's a lot of people that were raised in a household where sex was just demonized and not seen as something that has actually really do with your pleasure. So I hope through getting comfortable with your body and masturbating and figuring out, you're gonna realize, wow, there is so much pleasure there. And also, just be careful about who you pick. With part partners, it's okay to date casually and it's okay to just make out with people, foreplay. But you don't have to rush into everything, and not everyone needs to know about your sexual past. You can also continue listening to the podcast. You can take classes. You know, just go out and meet people that you wouldn't normally meet and just start dating and experimenting things. And I think you're going to realize your confidence will come back by being confidently yourself, by. By working on yourself, by developing strong relationships, strong community, working on your body so you feel healthy. That's how you really get into feeling confident around sex. It's not by having a ton of sex, because I can tell you there's a lot of people who have had hundreds of partners who I would not say are amazing lovers, who are a great vet. So it's really not about quantity. It's not about time. It's about going at your own pace, understanding your body, and being able to communicate with a really good partner that you feel safe with and that you can trust. So you're not behind any schedule here. Chelsea, you're right on track. All right, everyone, thanks for listening. That was a fun show. I love talking to you, even though you're not here. I feel like you are here. God, I felt so good. So thanks to all of you and thanks to my amazing team. Ken, Jamie, Jenny, our volunteer, Shannon and Sarah, producer Lark and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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