Let’s Talk About Sex (w/ My Mom)

It's true. Everything goes back to communication.

And I do think if you can incorporate some humor because we're all a little ridiculous. We all make unexpected body noises, everybody does and things like that to be able to laugh about it rather than be embarrassed about it.

Yeah, we make it so sterile. Like it has to be so perfect and beautiful like we see in movies. But sometimes things are funny. It's messy. It's smelly.

Right?

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and love the conversation around sex. Yes, it's true. It's all happening. I'm talking with my own mother today about sex. A ton of you have asked me how I got into the sex education business in the first place. Now you get to hear from the person who raised me first. My mom and I talk about her sexual journey coming up at a time when open communication around sex wasn't normalized and female pleasure wasn't valued. She also helps me answer your questions on sex and relationships, like how to give a partner feedback when they're doing something that turns you off, what to do if menopause pause is tanking your sex drive, how to negotiate with your partner when you've got different definitions of cheating, and how to approach a partner who does not want to spice up your sex life but you're dying for some variety. What to do about it Intentions with Emily for each episode Join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it. I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to give you permission for your sexual preferences and self knowledge to evolve over time, just like they did for my mom. By the end of the show, I think you'll gain a lot of perspective on what it means to grow as a sexual person and why who you are right now sexually may be different than who you are in 10 years. And that's totally okay. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new articles, the Future of Sex, Tech and Sexiest Morning Routine Ever are up at sex with emily.com check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. It's all sex with Emily for more sex tips and and advice. And if you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or Message me at sexwithemily.com askemily or call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559-825-5739. Just include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show and it's cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. And before we get into today's episode, I'm coming out with a book. It is called Smart sex How to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure. And if you order today, Friday, April 28th from Barnes & Noble, you can get 25% off on all pre orders including print, ebook and audio. So if you would do that, I'd be so grateful for you to pre order the book if you know you're going to get it anyway. If you want a book to change your life, just go to sexfeldomily.com, go to the dropdown menu, select new book. It's easy from there and there's also a link in the show notes. Oh, you'll also automatically get my new and approved yes, no maybe list and be be entered to win the smart sex prize pack when you submit your proof of pre order at the link in our show notes. All right everyone, enjoy this episode.

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So mom, so we've been here you Were on the podcast, like, when I first started 18 years ago. Yes, I think you were on it within the first year I was doing the podcast, but I was also doing a nighttime radio show in San Francisco, like a live radio show. And you came.

In. Right. I remember.

That. And we had a conversation. There were callers calling into the show. I remember it was a call. It's like, would you ever make a sex tape? And people were calling in saying if they had made a sex tape or not. And I was like, I don't know if I would. People are going to find it. And you. You let me know, mom.

Something. Well, I let you know that Ed and I. Ed being my husband, had made a sex.

Tape. Yeah.

Shocking. Like, 36 years ago, 37 years.

Ago. Do you know where it.

Is? Oh, I think it's been burned. I think it's been burned.

Yeah. I mean, you know, we were.

Young. Whose idea was it? How old were.

You? You know what? Remember when I was friends with Gail? Yeah. And she and her boyfriend had done it, and they invited us over, and he would shoot the second.

Tape. Wait, mom, you didn't tell me someone else shot your.

Your friend's boyfriend shot the sex tape. So they watched.

You. It was a bubble bath. Oh, my.

God. They shot you having sex in the bubble bath. That's a good friend. Well, yeah. That's kind of hot.

Yeah. You know, we had probably, you know, gotten a little high because we were, like, child of the.

60S. Now, mom, what's your take on weed and sex? Cause I know that. That you've been a fan of it. Right. How does it affect you? What we like weed or smoking before.

Sex? Well, you know what? Something I grew up with, I. You know, when I was 22, it was just becoming popular hair, the musical hair, was big, and it was like you were either part of the crowd that did, or you were part of the crowd that didn't. And you would look at people and you'd say, oh, they got high. They don't get high. That was sort of became your criteria of who you wanted to party with on a Saturday.

Night. How could you tell the people that would. And when you.

Could? Well, you know, you weren't always right. So my best friend, who was always seemed like the straightest person in the world, but she had been a smoker. And I said, I'm having trouble. I don't know how to inhale. And I found out she'd been getting high for a year and a half, that her brother had turned her on. To it. I said, oh, my God, I didn't know you'd been doing.

It. So. So she taught you how, and.

It made you feel like you were cooler and, you know, more of the in crowd. Not that you really were, necessarily, but it was very popular. Saturday night.

Parties. Saturday night kind of thing. Yeah. Because I remember I was reflecting on this because we did a 420 episode. You know what 420 is? It's the wee. It's the holiday. The weed.

Holiday. Oh.

Okay. So I was thinking about one time I came home from college. I think it was sophomore year, junior year. And I came home and I said to you, I just had this conversation with my girlfriends about sex and about orgasms because I realized that I didn't even know what an orgasm was. And then I realized I wasn't. I was like, sex is kind of disappointing. Like, I like cuddling my boyfriend, but I don't like the sex part. And apparently everyone's having orgasms, and I haven't had one, and what do I do? And you looked at me, and I don't remember really having talked to you about sex before. And you said, you know what, Emily? You should just smoke a.

Joint.

Okay. And honestly, I wasn't a smoker then. I think I just like. Okay. I think I had a different relationship with weed then. And it took me years to realize.

That. That I can't. A little bit of.

Marijuana?

Yeah. Oh, my.

God. But what you're saying is.

It'S. It loosens you.

Up. Loosens you up, Kind of lowers your inhibitions, gets you out of your head and into your body. Don't you feel like you can feel your body.

More? I mean, I'm glad I did it. You know what? So now at my age, because I'm. No, you know, I love having those memories. I'm not embarrassed about them. They're, like, fun. It's part of the history. So it's not like you're, you know, hurting.

Somebody.

No. You know, I was the man I.

Loved. Exactly. So I love the story about your sex tape. I wish I could find it.

Somewhere. Oh, no, it's been.

Burned. Growing up, do you remember what you knew about.

Sex? I didn't know much about anything. I was really naive and, you know, in my day, people didn't sit around and talk about it. I mean, you were supposed to be a virgin, even though a lot of people weren't. But it.

Was. Were.

You? No, but it was a different world. First of all, it was before birth control, so the fear of getting pregnant Was huge. Women didn't sit around and talk about their sex lives so.

Much. They still mean. Yeah, they don't do as much now either. You weren't naive. There just wasn't a lot of information out.

There. But women are much more open now. I mean, my friends and I, as the years went on, became much more open, but we weren't. When we were young. Right. We were really naive. I was really kind.

Of. Did you enjoy.

Sex? Yeah. Yeah, but your dad was my first partner. That was just. And I really. We didn't. I mean, you talk like. You talk about communication and all of that. We didn't know about.

Communication. People don't. But did you, like, look for. Was it like, you guys were together for what, 13 years? 12 years? 15.

Years? Yeah. Yeah, I did look. I liked.

It. Yeah. It was pleasurable. You didn't have any, like, problems or pain or.

Anything?

No. That's good. That's good. You enjoyed.

It.

Yeah. Cool. Do you remember your first sexual memory? Well, feeling turned on or.

Feeling. Yeah, but I was a late bloomer. Like, I met your dad. I was 19. And, you know, I had, you know, you made out and everything, but never did anything. I mean, I just didn't. In those days, you worried about your reputation, people talking about you. Although in reality, looking back, the people who were labeled sluts probably had more fun. But, you know, I was so worried about what people would think of me and all of.

That. There was a lot of judgment around female.

Sexuality. There was a lot of judgment, and I just didn't know that much. I had fear of getting.

Pregnant. That was.

Big. That was.

Big. What about pleasure for you? Was it always pleasurable? Every time? Like, do you have.

Orgasms? So we're really gonna go.

There?

Yeah. So. Yeah. I never really had a.

Problem.

Really? I never really had a.

Problem. It's always. Most times. Every time.

Yeah. Until I got older, but, you know, and then age enters into how you feel. But when I was younger, I enjoyed.

It. That's great, mom. That's real. It's 20% of the population that has it during intercourse.

Penetration.

Yeah. That was not hereditary. That was not a gene that I received from you. Good chat.

Mom. Thanks.

Mom. Do you think that sex gets better as you.

Age? Well, I think it plateaus. I think, like, in your, like, 30s, 40s, 50s, before menopause, it's great. And then things change after menopause. And I even see it with my friends because, like, we, my girlfriends and I were all, you know, sexy in our little bikinis. And everybody loves sex. But then you go through menopause, and it really changes things. And maybe it's getting better, but there are, you know, issues when a woman is, you know, after menopause with dryness and pain, and your libido goes down and it.

Changes. What did you do about it.

Then? Not enough. You know, I mean, I tried, and there's certain things you can do, but there's still not enough information out there. Yeah. I mean, there really needs to be more and more information about women and.

Menopause. They're starting to have more of it right now. There is more information about it, about menopause. I remember you telling me that you took some things, like.

Estrogen. Yeah. You try different things, and it's trial and error, and it's okay, and it's more the diminishing.

Libido. So what would you do then? Knowing that sex is still important? How would you still, like, make sure that sex would.

Happen? You have to plan for it. Like, we were talking last night about setting an intent for making dinner. It's like you have to set an intent, like having a date night or it's harder to be.

Spontaneous.

Yeah. When you're young, you're more spontaneous, and then that goes away. If you have kids and all that, you have to really plan for.

It. Yeah, that's true. To make sure it happens. Because you were saying after menopause it was harder. And I think that that is true. But, yeah, there is a lot more you can do now with hormones and lube and talking about it and normalizing.

It. And so, you know, things have changed so much. Like going back, not even talking about sexual. But like when your brother was born and I had postpartum depression. Not bad. It wasn't over a few weeks, all I would do is cry. Don't tell him, because he'll say that's why he's the way he.

Is.

We won't tell.

Him. No, I'm kidding. But nobody talked about it. It didn't have a label. So you walked around thinking you were nuts. Why is this that I'm always crying like I'm nuts? And you know, it wasn't nuts. Was all hormonal. And it's the same thing with menopause. It's like these are natural functions that need to be talked about and publicized and made part of the conversation.

Yeah. Women had to silently suffer through so many things, feeling it was only them. A lot of it is hormones, and it's so.

Common. And, you know, the more it's talked about, the more it's on television, it's like so healthy. Because for women to bond over that and to not feel like they're the only.

Ones. Yeah, it's happening.

Mom. So this is really a funny joke. Change the subject. I had some girlfriends visiting me in Florida and my girlfriend, who is like 73, we always laugh how our libidos have been diminished. So somebody was talking about shoes. They said, oh, I'm wearing fuck me shoes. And I said, I'm wearing don't fuck me shoes.

So I said, that's what.

Happens. That's what happens. Right, but you're. Yeah, that's true. I guess that. What age do you think that started out with your friends? Like 60s? They started feeling less sexual. 70s, 70. That's what I feel like. I feel like 50s and 60s, you.

Guys. It's still good. Yeah, like.

70. Yeah. Oh, mom, that's good. That's very.

Funny. Funny. I just thought there was.

Like. So what are some of your secrets, mama? How do you think. I mean, you and Ed have been together for almost 40.

Years. We.

Have. Which is such a feat. It's incredible. So what would be your secrets for keeping the relationship strong? Not just sexually, but in other.

Ways? Well, I think relationships change. We always laugh because when I started going with Ed, he lived in Chicago and I lived in Detroit. So, you know, it was like you go through that period of where you're tearing each other's clothes off and then you go through the period where he'd come in, he'd want a sandwich.

And then you tear each other and then you tear.

Up. And then did the mail come? Let's go to a movie. You know, things change through the years, but your relationship deepens in other ways and trust and in values and family. And now at our age, because Ed, being seven years older than I am, I have a depth of appreciation for him and for his health. Because around us, people are getting sick and dying and we've been so fortunate and we still play and we bike and we hike and we have a good time together. And I don't take a day of that for granted. When I was younger, I never thought about it. It was just our life. But now I'm filled with.

Gratitude. You're like probably the healthiest, most active 80 plus year old couple I.

Know. Well, we're lucky. You know what? We're really.

Lucky. It's partially luck, but what are some of the other things that you've done to stay connected and.

Healthy? Well, you know, a Lot of it is values and giving each other space. Like understand, not trying to change each other, accept each other, accept and appreciate. And we love each other. And physical touching is still yummy. We still love to cuddle and hold and hold hands and always touch. That doesn't go away. Yeah, the chemistry is still there. It's just a different.

Chemistry. And you guys plan. I feel like, I feel like you guys do. What is really important for a lot of couples is you. Because what a lot of couples crave in long term relationships is spontaneity and variety and novelty. And I feel like you are really good at creating fun new things for you guys to do all the.

Time. We.

Do. So even going to the opera or going to an art walk, I think that's just a great message to send to people too, that it doesn't just be the bedroom that you're mixing up, but even mixing up your routine is going to have an impact on your ability to feel connected, aroused with a partner. Is it all part of the same thing? It.

Is. I mean, I love planning adventures. And my girlfriend who was visiting us in January said, I'm starting to get a sense of the way you and Ed work together. Like you get up in the morning and look at the newspaper and look at all the things that are happening and I'll say, oh, look at there's a review or a theater group. Or he'll say, there's a movie or a music group and we get tickets and we go. And we have that in common. You know, we both do.

It. I think that's really healthy. A lot of people just sit around and watch tv. Like when you ask couples a lot, like where what's their bonding moments and when do they feel closest or what do they do for fun? People are like, well, we watch our TV shows, which you guys also.

Do. We.

Do. We have our shows more than anyone I know. I think every time I talk to you, you're like going to events and doing things that are just so unique to where you live. And it's an effort because I think anyone could google your area, like google wherever you live and say, like things happening in my city today. No matter if you have a hundred people in your town or a million, and there's always something happening. Well, I feel like you go to those.

Things. We do go to those.

Things. Like whatever it is, you're like, we're in, we're gonna go.

Right? We never, we never say.

No. You have a different food, you walk down a different street, you Experience a part of town all the, all the time. And I think that's part of you guys feeling healthy and.

Vibrant. You know what? I think one of the things that I, we always had in common going back to day one was energy. And I think I've talked about that. I think energy, having the same energy is so important because your dad was a great guy, Emily. But he laid on the.

Couch. Yeah. You know.

Tired. He was a good guy, but he laid on the couch. And while I ran around the.

Block, he wasn't ready to do stuff. He wasn't as.

Fun. He wasn't. And so, you know. But there were women who would be happy with.

That.

Yeah. It was a mismatch of energy more than anything else, I.

Think. So when someone's picking a potential long term partner, what are the things you think they need to look.

For? Well, I think, do you have fun and are you like not trying to change each other? Can you accept each.

Other? Don't date on potential. Like, where are they right.

Now? If you meet somebody in your 20, you can think that they're going to change. But if you meet somebody I met at, I was 42 and he was turning 50, what you see is what you get, you know, and we have both changed through the years living together, we've changed, but our basic essence is still the same. And you know, for me, I've got to have somebody like, I'll say, oh, today. Do you have any plans? No. Okay, let's have an adventure. And he said, okay, good. What do you want to do? I love that. That makes me.

Happy. Good. You're always getting on me too. You're like, what's going on in la? You got to get out there and do fun things. So you inspire me to do that. Yeah, I probably work too much. You always were very good at the work life balance, Mom. I feel like you work and play equal.

Degrees. Well, by the time I really started working at a career, really working hard, you were almost a teenager, so it made a little, little.

Easier.

Yeah. I want to make sure I was home for dinner, you know, and the other day when I got divorced, they didn't have joint custody. There was no such.

Thing.

Right. So I had full time.

Custody. That was a lot.

Mom. It was a lot. But that was the way it.

Was. When you look at your friends that have been together and stayed together, mom, what have you learned? Like, are there any traits that just draw to you? Like this is what successful couples do or is there anything in.

Common? All my friends who have been married, like, 55 years and whatever. They've all gone through stuff. They have all gone through really hard stuff. Some of them have had affairs. They've gotten to the brink of divorce. I mean, nobody has just, like, skated through, through. But they have been willing to change, whether it's through therapy or whatever, and really look at their issues and work on it and decide for the sake of everything, they were going to make it work. And once they got beyond that, those couples are really happy now.

They're really happy and in love. Dear friends, I've watched them go through it, and I think how lucky they are that they were able to make it.

Work. Yeah, I like that you normalize that. That couples that go through periods, maybe where they just are like, we can't do this. Sometimes when the kids are really young or there's like a death or something kind of happens financially, or they've just been together, maybe couples in their 40s, I feel this happens sometimes. And they've been together since their 20s or 30s, or sometimes you.

Marry. Like when I had a dear friend whose father died when she was very young. So when she met her husband, she was 16. And when she met her husband, he was like a father figure to her. But when she was in her 30s, she no longer needed a father figure. But he was very strong and kind of, you know, domineering and needed to change, and they had to. But they both made it.

Happen. They both want to work on it.

Right? They both really worked on it. And they were like, one of the happiest couples I.

Know. Gotta be willing to do the.

Work. You gotta be willing to do the.

Work. So which couples don't work? The ones that failed. What.

Happened? Well, the couples that I know that all got divorced was a long time ago, you know, And I think it has to do with.

One of the people changing, you know, like with your dad and I, we were happy for a long time. And then, you know, I wanted to work. You were in school full time, and I wanted to get a job. And he really could not deal with me becoming an individual. That was before Oprah. And maybe if we had figured out communication and we could have talked it through, maybe, but I doubt it. I think it happens earlier. You know.

I. You think if couples get to a certain point, like their 50s or 60s, they're going to kind of.

Most. I mean, there's. I'm sure there's exceptions to the rule and, you know, but people that I know, I know a lot of people married, been married 55.

Years. That's good. So, mom, when do you feel the most confident in your relationship? Or do you always feel confident? I think you always with.

It. Yeah, I've always felt.

Confident. Always. You never doubted it? Had any.

Doubts? Not after the first few years. First few years, I kept thinking, is this really who I am with? But then it just felt right, you know? And I love the way he is. I've gained great appreciation because he loves my family so much and I love the way he is with my family. And it's his family, and I love that. And I'm so glad that, like, you and your brother and grandchildren get to experience that. That makes me very.

Happy. That's good. Mom, how important do you think that sex is in a relationship? Looking back on this, like, what.

World? Really.

Important. Really important.

Why? Communication and fun and pleasing each other. And what I think is good now is now people communicate so much more. Like, you've talked about that. I think that's so.

Healthy. Yeah. When you made it healthy for me, I was able to ask you about sex you didn't ever like. Shame. Because a lot of people have shame around it. They don't talk about it at all. Still, Mom. People still don't feel comfortable talking about sex. As you know, I'm sure think.

You know that, but at least they can call you.

And. Exactly. Yeah. What do you think has changed in the world of sex throughout your lifetime? Besides the conversation? Is there anything that comes to.

Mind? Well, I think there's so much information on there and social media. I mean, some of it's good, some of it's bad. Of course I have to separate. I don't like the idea that kids are experimenting at such a young age. And maybe that's my prudish self. There's something about it that seems so not ready. And I don't know if I'm right or wrong, but I kind of feel that way. But, you know, when I was growing up, you played spin the bottle when you were 12 years.

Old.

Now. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So.

Right. But I, you know, but on the other hand, I guess talking about it like, you know, like you're making a sandwich, maybe that's the healthy way to be. You know, I don't know. I just sort of accept it and don't really think about.

It.

Yeah, there's a.

Lot.

Yeah. Because there's been some advancements. So you know that I've always talked to you about lube. I've been a huge fan of lube. How long Have I been talking about lube for a long time? But you always like Lou, too. But then I brought you some good loops, right? So now there's lubes that are made just for women, by women. So up until recently, a lot of lubes were made by, like, drugstore brands, but now there's really good ones. And there's one that I'm the chief sexologist of called Playground, which I think I brought you some last time I was in Michigan. Right. And what I love about it's like a facial for your vagina because they use these great ingredients and serums. They, like, you know, like, do we use face lotion that has hyaluronic.

Acid?

Yes. So it has hyaluronic acid, vitamin E and Ashwagandha, which I put hyaluronic acid on my face and I take Ashwagandha as a supplement. And now it's in a lube. So it's pretty awesome. Playground. Did you like it? Did you try it? You saw the bottles? I bought one from Michigan. Yes.

Cool. You've changed lives. You know, you've got some guy sitting in a car in Iowa, no offense, Iowa. Just using that as an example where they're. Maybe they're from a home where they can't talk about it, and maybe he doesn't know anything, but he can call you and ask these hard questions. Or maybe young married people can call you and. I mean, that's a resource. I would have loved to have had that at my age. We used to get so excited. We used to read Playboy.

Magazine. You know, Playboy is fun. What did you like about Playboy? The pictures or the.

Article? Well, I. I loved some of the explicit questions and answers and who.

Was Q and A's were fun. Like the bedroom confession. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That was always fun to.

Read. Yeah. Like, do you ever have any fantasies, Mom? Does your brain. Do you think about.

Fantasies? Not anymore. I did when I was young.

Yeah. Did you talk about them? Did you share them? Do you remember.

That? No, I'm not going to share.

Them. You don't have to share them, but did you. Did you talk about them? That's good. That's.

Healthy.

Yes. What do you think about size? Do you think size.

Matters?

Yes. You do? Okay. Okay. Tell me.

More.

Well, for me, it.

Mattered. Okay. Do you have a situation.

Where.

Yes. What'd you do? What did you do? What did you.

Do? It didn't.

Last? No. What do you think matters more, girth or.

Length? Wow. These are really hard questions. It's been a.

While.

Yeah.

Girth. True, but also, most of the time, we're all okay with your size. Stay tuned because after the break, my mom and I are answering your questions together about cheating, jealousy, and keeping the spark alive.

All right, mom, now I want you to help me answer some questions, okay? Okay. This is from Mike. He's 40, in Florida. Hi, Dr. Emily. My name is Mike. I'm 40 years old. I live in Florida. I've been with my wife for over 10 years. I was wondering if you could help me with bringing up the negatives. You're always talking about how to share our likes, desires, and how to feel the best. But what about the stuff we don't like? I'm struggling in my relationship with things that turn me off, shut me down and push me away. I don't want to put all the problems onto my partner, but I can't help the things I'm attracted to turn me off or don't enjoy. You've called them accelerators and brakes before. I want to share my accelerators with my wife. He means the things that turn them on and make her aware of the brakes, the things that turn them off but just seem to hurt her feelings. She feels controlled by my requests and accelerators. It leads to our relationship rifts rather than intimacy building and understanding. Especially if who you don't like is something they do. Like, he wasn't clear. But what could I think is like maybe something she's wearing or something like maybe she cut her hair in a certain way. Or maybe like maybe she has pubic hair. He doesn't want her pubic hair. I'm not sure what it is. He didn't tell us. But how would you share with your partner something like.

That? Well, what comes to mind is that you got to put a positive spin on it. Like, have you ever tried putting your hair up instead of focusing it? And don't say what you don't like, offering it as a. An addition. Like, maybe we could try this or maybe we could try that. You're at your most vulnerable with your partner. And if it's a sexual thing, saying something they don't like that you're doing.

Really. People get into fight or flight when you're talking about sex. They're so worried that it's. If you talk about it that, that you know, you're a.

Terrible. It's.

Painful. It's really painful. So that's a good tactic. I call it the compliment sandwich, where I'm like, give them something that you really like. Like, I. I really noticed how Beautiful. Let's say it is about. Maybe he wants his wife to wear his hair more. We'll go with that. So maybe they went out a few years ago or a few months ago and she had her hair. Maybe there's a photo. He says, you know, I really love the way you looked in this photo. You seemed happy that night, too. You got all dressed up. And that would be the first part of it when you give.

A. A compliment.

Compliment. And then you might say, and I think that when we go out again, it's really hot for me to see you in different scenarios. It's really fun to see your hair up, too, because I'm so used to see you in one way. And we change things up in relationships. It can be a lot hotter just for variety. Like, that's something that's really great for arousal, too, to see our partners in different way. That's why, like, buying a. Wearing a wig is such a hot tip for.

People.

Right? Because you see your partner differently and then you would close it with the like. So I think that if we, you know, both kind of worked on mixing up the way we look in the world, that we continue to keep our attraction hot and feel good about each.

Other. Well, you could. I mean, I think that's a great way to do it. Another way you could do it is you could sort of make it a game. Like, let's tell each other something that we think would be fun. That's different.

You tell me and I tell.

You. I like.

That. So it's sort of like a sharing, like giving permission. She might say something to him that he doesn't like, but, like, make it like a.

Game. That's fun. Yeah, I like that. I like the bucket list of, like, write down three things you want to try. Or three. Yeah, three things. That would be hot. And exchanging the lists. That's.

Fun.

Yeah. And maybe also here you could ask her. I hope, Mike, you would ask her, too, if there's anything that she's into or anything that she would be willing to. Anything. Any requests that she has for you. Because the reason why this probably feels like such a big deal for him is because they might not be. Although Mike does say, here it is. He's like, I go to therapy. I read your recommended books. I listen to your podcasts. And so, you know, he is doing the work. So I love that. And it's the kind of thing where you just have more of these.

Conversations. I think we're most sensitive, most vulnerable in bed, even with the person you.

Love. The.

Most. Like, to hear something critical. I mean, that's like.

Ouch. It is hard. And that's why you just gotta couch it with, like. I think I always tell people, you gotta capture with, like, we both want the same things. We want to be connected. We want to be great lovers to each other. So this is not. And sometimes that's a lot of reassuring. If I love you, I love us. Here's all the things I love about us. This is just something I think that we could use to have more pleasure because things do get boring and stale after a while. And our partner does things sometimes that aren't as hot. So we have to be able to talk about these things because you know what happens? We don't talk about them. Resentments build up over time, right? Absolutely. And absolutely. Also, I have something on my site called the yes, no, maybe list, which I should show it to you and see if you know a lot of things. But there's like 80 sex acts on it, Mom. And this is one of my favorite tips for couples to do. It has everything on it, like kissing and dirty talk and spanking and making a sex tape and using sex toys. And they each take the quiz, and it says, you can say if it's a yes, if it's a no, or it's a maybe. And then you each fill it out, and then you get to compare lists, like, oh, I didn't know we both wanted to be tied up. Or I didn't know we both wanted.

This.

Right. Or this is a no. Or this is a.

Maybe. It goes back to.

Communication. Everything does. It's true. Everything goes back.

To. And I do think if you can incorporate some humor, because we're all a little ridiculous. We all make unexpected body noises. Everybody does and things like that, to be able to laugh about it rather than be embarrassed about.

It. Yeah, we make it so sterile. Like, it has to be so perfect and beautiful like we see in movies. But sometimes things are funny. It's messy, it's.

Smelly.

Right. I think, Mike, you guys have been together for over 10 years. I think you have to be patient, too. Because what happens is, what I found is when couples do start to talk about it, like, they're talking about the weather, like, you know, sunny, with a chance of orgasms, or, you know, pass the salt. And how about that anal sex we had last night that was really great. Like, you just gotta talk about it. And the more you do that.

It doesn't become so shocking. So I think we have so much fear that keeps Us from moving to the next to get to the next level of the conversation. Everything's hard at first, right? It's a new skill set, but it's worth it. Okay, let's get into Lauren. This is from Lauren, 30, in New York. Hey, Dr. Emily. My boyfriend and I have different views on what it means to cheat. He says that cheating is only an exchange of bodily fluids. I think there are many things that fall under the umbrella of cheating. Sexting, sending nudes, grinding on somebody in a club, taking somebody on a date, verbally telling somebody you want to have sex with them. The list goes on. He agrees that these things are bad, but doesn't consider them to be cheating, while he says he would do these things to me that would hurt me. Is it really possible to have a successful relationship when you don't see eye to eye on this fundamental difference about what constitutes.

Cheating? Well, I think it's interesting. I think. I mean, it's semantics, you know, I mean, they've narrowed it down to a word and a definition of the word. And it's really. It's much bigger than that. Why is she. Is she suspicious that he's going to start cheating and is that why she's not taking him at his word? There's a lot more to it than the.

Question. Sounds like she doesn't feel.

Safe.

Exactly. Usually when we start worrying about our partner cheating can be because we had experience in the past with somebody cheating. Or maybe our parents, you know, our father was cheating on our mom or vice versa. That's one thing. But also, people sometimes start to do things that are suspect. You're like, why are you hiding your phone? Or why are you exactly, you know, not coming home when you said you were going to come home? Or you catch them in these little things, and then we start to think we're insane as we get gaslit. Right. Our partner says it's not true, but no, I think we have to trust our gods more. Because even if you think someone's cheating and it might be your issues, well, then it's such a great opportunity for you to go back into therapy and, like, look at what it's really about. That's part of it. But a lot of times, if you're getting evidence or things are coming up, the fact that she has all these list of things here, I would think that maybe.

He'S. There's a lot more to it than the.

Question. I think it's. She doesn't feel safe in the relationship. And I think that the important thing to get beneath what she really means by cheating. For her, it's very important to feel safe and to feel like she. She has a partner she can trust. And there are certain people that I've dated, people who made me feel very unsafe, and I did not last with them very long. It's like, a requirement for me to be with somebody who I just wouldn't doubt it. Like, I can't live in this world, this world of, like. No. Does he mean what he says? The fact that you think it's okay to send nudes to somebody? Because in a way, it's all. I mean, emotional cheating is a real thing, too. Of course. You're like, you're my person that we're going forth together, and now these things could be happening that I thought you just were saving exclusively for me. So I think it's less about the definition of cheating here, and it's more about how she wants to feel with her boyfriend and how he wants to make her feel. And I think when we can tell our partners that things that they're doing make us feel unsafe, like, for example, there's a lot of things that come out about social media people, like, oh, my partner keeps liking all these Pearson's photos on Instagram, and I don't feel safe, and all these things. And I think that we were so afraid of feeling needy sometimes, or we're feeling like we are being difficult and therefore our partner's gonna leave us if we tell them. We don't want them liking people's photos or doing these other things. We're seeing if our partner can show up for us and support us where we need it, I think we just can say to them, does it make me feel like I can be in this relationship in a healthy way when these things are happening? It brings up these issues for me. Is it more worthwhile for you to keep liking these photos, or is it more worthwhile for you to. You know, I'd love if you could kind of hear what I'm saying and. And really hear this. I think that you want to be a supportive part of me. Would you be open to not doing some of these.

Behaviors?

And. And if they say no, then that's another. It's giving you more information to work with. Right? Things you can talk about, maybe go to therapy. But if you keep accusing your partner or something and they're really not doing anything, it's usually because either we're doing something. We grew up in a home where there maybe was some infidelity, it's.

Your Own or past your.

Own. So either way you gotta go to, yeah, you gotta, gotta get some help for that. I can't think of any scenario where therapy isn't gonna help somebody in life. And definitely in relationships. I feel like we go get help in so many areas of our life. Like something's wrong with our business. We go see a business coach or, you know, we get.

Help. I mean, I see like there's this one couple that I know, you don't know them, but they've been married like 57 years. He's really a disgusting guy.

And they've been married forever and they've never had therapy. And she's really, you know, politically everything, they're like on opposite courses. But you know, when you get to a certain age and you've never had therapy or work done yourself, and she had this horrible childhood and you know, and you could really see it, you could really see how they function with their kids, with their friends, family. It really shows. If you don't do the work, if you don't.

Really. How would you describe that, doing the work with that? Because people have been in therapy. I always say it's like getting a second opinion on your.

Life. People can go through therapy and it may not do any good at all because you have to be willing to look at yourself and be willing to go through the pain and change. You might say, oh, you know, I went through, you know, two years of therapy and blah, blah, blah. But if you haven't really looked at yourself and done the work, because a therapist could only do what you tell them. If you don't tell them the truth or you're lying to them as well as yourself, they can't read your mind. Then you know, yeah, you have.

To be willing to do.

That. It's hard work. Yeah, I can't.

Imagine. This is from John, 42 in California. Hi Emily. My 42 year old man, married for 15 years. We have two children. Our sex life became less frequent and less exciting after having kids and pursuing our.

Careers.

We. Over the last year though, I've decided that I don't want to settle for mediocre sex. And like most things in life, I want excitement and passion. Unfortunately, my wife does not share the same interest in spicing things. Oh yeah, she's willing to have sex, but she's not excited or interested in ever trying anything beyond our normal routine. I've tried explaining this over and over. I think we need to add some spice to our otherwise healthy relationship. But the feeling is one sided. I am Bored through routine. But when we discuss this, she says that there's nothing wrong with our routine and feels like a hopeless struggle to get her interested and open her mind to new things. Do you have thoughts or ideas how you might pick her interest and desire to open up and explore the world beyond the mundane? Your advice and insight is greatly.

Appreciated. I love reading, like, advice columns. And a lot of times it's in reverse, too. You know, where the guy doesn't want it or the way. And I think, you know, people, they look for somebody.

Else. You're saying that they might look for someone else if you don't do the work with your.

Partner?

Yeah. Why do you think people don't want to do the work, though? Why. Why do people don't want to talk about sex or change it.

Up? You know, that's a really good question. I mean, I don't have the answer for.

That. I mean, I do.

Huh? You do? This is your. You.

Answer? Well, I hear this, and I think to myself, it's because his wife is probably so fearful that it's something. His request is something that she has so much shame about. And she doesn't really know what he means, but he wants to mix it up. And she's afraid it means, like, threesomes, or she's gonna have to go do something crazy that she doesn't want to do. And what he's really asking for is, like, connection and maybe, like, sex in a hotel room or her wearing a piece of lingerie or using a sex toy. Like, it's not our biggest fears. Usually it's probably just something that's a little bit different because the same thing gets bored after a while. But since she. They probably, like many people don't have a lot of experience talking about sex and talking about their lives. She's gone into this, like, nope, I won't do it, and shutting him down. So I feel like if there's a way to get her to understand that that's not what you're talking about. And maybe you could get really, really clear, John, about what you would like to try. Like, again, I have a feeling that she's tripping to some place. It's like it's some extreme thing that's probably not that. And if he could get clear on what it is and explain it to her, it'd be a lot better. Cause a lot of times we think it's, you know, like, he needs to have, like, a crazy threesome or something, but it's probably just a different position. Maybe they need vacation sex. Maybe they need to talk dirty, maybe they need to watch porn together. And it doesn't mean that she's inadequate and not sexy and not lovable. So I think that the problem is that we bring up sex a lot too. We go to this like, I'm unlovable, I'm not enough place. And so the more you could speak to that part of her that feels that way and she could hear it in a way that realizes like, okay, we are in this together. We, we both want to have great hot sex. We want to stay together. We love each.

Other. People sometimes they settle like, she's got a job, she's got the kids, she's tired, she's tired, she's tired. She doesn't want to take on one more thing. She's happy to fall into bed at.

Night. That's happens a.

Lot. It happens a lot. People are tired. You know, you, you get up, you, you've got to deal with the kids, get them off to school, fix their lunch, work all day, come home, dinner, do the dishes and fall into bed. The last thing you want to do is put on a sexy lingerie. If I were just saying the fast is like to make a plan like get a babysitter or you know, have the, you know, do something like make a date. You gotta change the routine. We're all such creatures of habit, myself included. Every night I have my ice cream cone from Trader.

Joe's. Yeah, I know. Every night.

No, I know, we are. And that's the problem with sex too, is that we become creatures in that way. But that's where it's not working for people, right? In long term relationships. So this is another one, like going to the gym. You'd probably much rather sit home and watch tv or how do you prioritize it? How do you prior? How do you decide that sex is so.

Important? It's the.

Presentation. It's how you say, yeah, like.

Let'S, let's have some fun Saturday night, let's get a sitter and try something.

New. Right? Not make it about the sex, but kind of back into the sex, so to.

Speak. Let's dress up. Or let's, you know, do a.

Role play or role play is fun. You know, come up as like an alter ego or just make it like a one time thing because it is important. Yeah. So we got to figure out what works for us. Everyone. There's a different thing that's going to work for everyone to get in the mood again. But I think it's a matter of realizing that it is important and you can't put on the back burner. And the more you put, it's going to be harder and harder to get it off that back.

Burner. Well, he's going to start getting really.

Resentful. Yeah, sounds like he already is. So again, maybe therapy too could help. Just not saying you're going to therapy for life. It could be a few sessions. It could be you agree to go for two months, once a week with your partner, and you can even do it on zoom now. So everyone's like, we don't have time, blah, blah. It's like it's an hour of your day. It's an hour a week, and it's so worth it. So couples can learn the communication skills that helps them go to the breakthrough. Breakthrough. They're stuck. Ready, Mom? I'm gonna ask you the five questions you had. These are our quickie questions. Ready? They're quick. Answer the first thing that comes to your mind. Biggest turn on attention. Biggest.

Turnoff. I would say somebody who's.

Unattractive. What makes good.

Sex? Communication.

And.

Touching. Trust something you would tell your younger self about sex and.

Relationships. To be more confident and to talk more and get in touch with what I.

Want. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about.

Sex? To have fun and loosen up and think that we're all ridiculous sometimes and have the ability to.

Laugh. Love that. Thanks, mom. Thanks for being here. Thank you for having me. It was fun having me. Thank you for birthing me and raising, raising me so, so well. I'm so grateful for you, mom.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review. We're Wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner, you can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Exwithemily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline, 559-talk-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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