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I don't know if you remember me, but I talked to you two years ago. You actually gave me the idea of using candles and I just wanted to call and give you a status report.

What? You used the candles?

Yes, they did. And we are married now.

Matt, I'm so happy for you. That is amazing.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed.

By eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

You know, a lot of what I do here on Sex with Emily is answer your questions, whether you call in or you email me. Feedbackexwithemily.com I love it. I love helping you take the next step. But something awesome happened a few weeks ago. A bunch of you called in and shared that not only you had already talked, given advice, but you're calling back in and a lot of you shared how things worked. For you, and now you're ready for the next step. I mean, if you're in a relationship and you think, no, I can never talk to my partner about what's really on my mind or our sex life is just done, I thought it'd be inspiring for you to hear some callers took the advice and made some real changes. Intentions with Emily for each episode. I want to start off by setting an intention for the show, and I'm encouraging you to do the same. So what I mean is, when you're listening, what do you want to get out of the episode? You know, it could be, I want to know how a couple turns around their sex life. And my intention is to show you a few different ways having healthy conversations with your partner can actually change your life. And I'm grateful to all of you for making this show possible because without you, let's be honest, sex with Emily wouldn't exist. So thanks for listening and calling and writing in. And if you have any questions you want to ask, call me directly Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm Pacific. I could also help you take the next step, figure out relationship goals. We got a lot going on in the new year, setting your successful goals for the new year. So call me 888-947-8277. All right, enjoy the show.

Let's talk to Shannon, 42, in Texas. Hi, Shannon. What's going on? Thanks for calling.

Hey, Dr. Emily. How are you?

I'm good, thanks. How's it going?

Well, neither my husband nor I, thank God, have lost our jobs during this Covid. We've been married 21 years. I'm 42. He's 45. But I'm a nurse. I'm a hospice nurse. So been having a lot of patients that have been affected by Covid, and I've had quite a few patients that have died. And sex is the last thing on my mind. And, you know, he's a typical man and he has needs. And all day I'm taking care of patients that are dying. I'm taking care of them, their families, just emotionally spent. And then my husband, you know, I feel like I'm just pulled in all these directions, but I'm so exhausted. I don't. Emotionally exhausted, Physically exhausted. But I just wish that I need to make the time for him because I feel like that so important too, you know, I just.

Oh, Shannon. I hear it in a little.

Shannon.

So glad you called in. It's rough, I know.

Shannon, you know what you just said to me? You just said, you know, at least I have to make time for him. And I'm sitting here thinking, Shannon, you have to make time for you. That's, you know, when you fill your tank up, you're going to be able to be there for your husband. But right now it's about you finding time to step away. And when you do, it's not about taking care of your husband, it's about. Or the kids. Do you have kids?

I have a 16 year old son, yes.

Okay. What can you do?

I'm guilty about taking care about myself though.

Oh, because you're, I mean, listen, you're a nurse. I know. You know what women have. Many women are not wired that way. We're caretakers, we're really nurturing. We always are. Worrying about everyone else and our own needs come last. And perhaps our mothers were like that. Our father. It's just, you know, it's our wiring that we actually in some way get. You're a nurse, I'm a therapist. Right. We get filled. I love helping people. Like this is my joy. However, sometimes that comes first. And then I realize, oh, I mean, I just. Shannon, you know what I did last week? I went away for a week to this place that I can go. And I'm not saying this is for everybody, but I haven't done this in a year. And I unplugged. I didn't look at my phone for a few days. It took me three or four days till I finally felt that my nervous system was coming back back to like parasympathetic because it's been stressful year and you've probably had times 10 stress if you're a nurse working during COVID So Shannon, I don't know who's taking care of me right now, but it sounds like it's going to have to be you. And so my mission for you is my question is, what can you do tonight, this weekend that is all about you because you've been with your husband for 21 years and he's going to be okay if Shannon takes care of Shannon for a few days. Because then you can show up for everyone, right?

Yeah.

And it feels like I don't even know what to do to.

Yeah.

A massage, you know, massage.

Can you call right now and get a massage when we hang up?

Yeah, I mean, actually I do. I have a gift certificate from my birthday in February that I haven't used.

And yeah, that's what resets for me. So for me, if I get a massage or I take a steam shower or like that's when I feel like, okay, the layers are starting to. I can, you know, kind of chill out and start to. So I would say that you deserve this. If they're still open right now, I would go tonight and I'd go first thing in the morning and then decide after that. And you've been depleted, Shannon, the last six months. It's not. I can't imagine being a nurse right now with, you know, and you call in your word about your husband, right? It's like he. And I think what you could do, I don't know, saying, oh, forget him. You know, I would say, babe, I realize that I so want to be that loving, sexual wife too. And that is so important. But I've realized that I need to take the next week and I'm going to just kind of every night after work, I'm going to do something, one thing every day. That's self care for me. I'm going to go shopping, I'm going to see a friend for lunch. I'm going to get a manicure. It could be 30 minutes. Shit, we have 30 minutes, even an hour. You could just say, I'm taking it and, and then you can call me back on Wednesday, we can see how it's going. But I would say that it's. Sex isn't just all about the penetrations. Like, maybe he needs a little bit intimacy right now. So maybe you could hold hands or you could, you know, give each other massages on Tuesday for 10 minutes. But it doesn't mean that you need to get up and perform for him right now. You are, you're unable to right now. And so you can let him know that your intention is to get back into your body the next week. And when you do that, you can't wait to be connected to him again.

Wow.

And I feel like you just gave me like such permission to be able to do that. And it's okay. You said it was okay, so.

Yeah. Isn't that funny, Shannon? You asked me why just now. You said, well, why, why can't. Why is it so hard to give to yourself? It's because nobody gives us permission. We keep waiting for someone to say, oh, you look tight, you should go get a massage. No one does that. And so you have to. So I'm giving you permission to give yourself permission. And that's exactly it. Because then. And then, then, yeah, you have my permission.

You fucking rock.

You're so awesome.

Thank you, Shannon. So do you.

I program about a month ago and I've like, listened to you Faithfully, as I'm driving. And, like, even listening to you helps me refill. And just, I get so many good ideas. But I really appreciate your time and your advice, and I am going to take it and I am going to do it.

Okay, Shannon, I'm so glad to hear that. I mean, really, you just made my night, so I know you will, too. Like, I actually hear it in your voice. You're going to take care of yourself, and I'm here for you. Okay? I'm sending you lots of love. You deserve it. You have permission. Okay. Thank you. Hi, Shannon.

I think you have a great night.

I will, I will. I might get a massage, too.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye, Shannon. Thanks for calling. Appreciate you.

How about that? Who else needs to take permission? Who else needs my. I'm giving everybody permission right now to take care of yourself and to say no to that thing you don't want to do this weekend. Lovingly text someone, say, you know what? I knew I was going to come to your Something. Whatever you have to do on the weekends. I was going to say barbecue. Now it's like, zoom barbecue, but I can't, you know, I'm not going to be able to make it. Isn't it interesting that we got to find the things that actually make us feel good? And it takes a beat. So write down those things right now and then add it to your list. This week. It could be walking around the block for, you know, 20 minutes, could be listening to your favorite music that you haven't listened to in a while, calling a friend that makes you laugh. Not the ones that suck the life out of you. How. I think we all need to take some time to get back into our bodies this weekend. Whether that means sexually, romantically, going for a run. Let's talk to Greg 55 in Ohio.

Hi, Dr. Emily.

Hi.

I just wanted to call back. We spoke the other day, and I was talking about trying to introduce my partner into interest in the bdsm, which I enjoy. I don't know if you remember or not.

I do. Well, tell me.

Yeah.

You were saying you want to be submissive, right?

I'm a submissive. Yeah. And you gave me some really good advice and did go to your website.

And.

And my partner and I, we did sit down and we went through she said a little more to the conservative side at least. Like, kind of thought I found out a bunch of stuff about it that I didn't know.

This is amazing, Greg. Okay, keep going.

Yeah. So I just wanted to call back and kind of let you know how things were progressing from that aspect. The advice you gave me was outstanding, and we're, we're talking on a different level now, and it was, it helped bring her out of her shell and open up that conversation. And it was, it was incredibly valuable.

To both of us.

I'm so happy to hear that. So can we just rewind? First off, I'm so glad you called to tell me how it landed because I don't know, we hang up, might not hear from you again. God, I hope Greg got his way. So could you walk me through if you feel comfortable how it changed? Because you've been together for a while, right? How long have you been with your wife?

About four years.

Okay.

Yeah, about four years.

Yeah.

You directed me to your website and the list that you have of things you like or things you don't like. And yes, you know, your yes, no's, your maybes, that type of thing. And so I did that and presented that tour and we sat down and we had a couple glasses of wine and talked through everything. And then we went off in our own separate ways to kind of go through this. And we got back together and had a really good conversation and shared our discussions around this. And it's. It's on a level that her and I have never really experienced before in the communication side, talking about sex. It's been kind of uplifting for both of us and it's opening up, opened up my eyes. It's kind of opened her eyes. And I'm excited to see where this is gonna go, but you wanted me to call back and kind of let you know how things were progressing and where it was going.

Oh, Greg, I'm so happy. You just really. I'm so happy that you can, like, turn around and see it's possible. You know, you had the assumptions that she was a little more conservative and you found out that she's got some stuff she's into. You know, we don't know until we talk about it. I'm. That's such a. I'm so happy, Greg. Thank you for calling back in and please keep me posted. You know, this is just the beginning, you know, of your, of your sex life. What's possible? What's the next step?

Yeah, I hope so.

What's the next step? What's going to happen this weekend?

Well, this weekend, what.

We're.

We're actually going away for a night tomorrow night. We're going to go away and spend the night and just kind of become a little more intimate and, and talk more and figure out how we want to approach this going forward. You know, she has some things that she kind of wants to try.

Do you mind? Can you tell me what she wants to try is do you mind sharing with me one thing that you learned that she wants to try? That you were surprised?

You know. Yeah, I mean, she, you know, we talked about fantasies and things like that, and her one fantasy is she wants to bring somebody into the bedroom with us. And, you know, it's like, okay, but I didn't realize that that was a really deep desire of hers. So I'm willing and, you know, we've got to figure out and talk about how and where and who and the ground rules and that type of thing. But I explained to her that I would be more than willing to help her fulfill that fantasy. The other one is she wants to explore a bisexual relationship, which is something that I would have never guessed. So that one. We've got some more talking to do. I personally don't mind. It just kind of caught me off guard.

Right.

And so we're going to talk through that, and we're going to spend the weekend talking. You know, my aspect is, is I enjoy BDSM elements. And prior to us being together, I. I had a dominatrix that I was with, and that's how I was entered into the lifestyle. And so she's open to reaching out, to watching a session.

Craig, I couldn't even imagine. Look how far you've come this week. This is amazing to me. Wow.

But it was your advice that kind of broke that ice, and that's why I wanted to tell you that I'm really excited where it's heading. Really excited. Like I said, it opened both of our eyes to what we were keeping to ourselves.

Yeah. Because you probably just hadn't thought to bring it up. Right. It's really hard to bring it up, but if you approach it in a way that's, hey, let's just talk about it, for us, it's a game changer. And so many couples. Wonderful example. Greg, I'm so happy for you because it does work to have a healthy conversation about sex. Yes, it's scary, but you were nervous to bring it up and you didn't know how she would react. And you had some assumptions because you had never talked about it, that maybe she wouldn't be into certain things. And now you get to go away for the weekend and keep kind of brainstorming and fantasizing and playing to get thinking about what's possible. And it's so Exciting. It's like going on a sexual magic carpet ride together. So many places to go.

I'm very excited about it. Like I said, we've had the conversation. You know, we kind of talked, but we never really talked. And really, we're open. You know, it's general conversation. And like I said, we. We got into the icebreaker, and then we started talking, and then we. We went off and we had the. The lists and the sheets, and it really allowed us to open up and think.

And, I mean, Greg, this just gives me so much joy now. I mean, no press, but if you call me back next week, I want to hear how the weekend goes. I'm following with you on your journey, even if you just want to email me. I'm so thrilled that you called in to let me know that the advice worked, to have a healthy conversation with your partner.

No, and I thank you for that.

Of course. I got you. I'm here for you, Greg. I'm so. My whole team here, we're sitting here so overjoyed. Really, you deserve this, and so does she. Why not meet each other's needs? Why not make sex an incredible experience for both of you? You're married. You got a whole life together. Thanks, Greg. I appreciate you. Thanks for calling in. Enjoy the weekend. Okay, bye. All right, we're gonna take a quick break. There'll be more sex with Emily. Thanks, everyone, for supporting our sponsors. You know, we only work with sponsors that we enjoy ourselves, and I hope you do, too.

Let's see. Tammy, 39 in Canada. How do I get my vagina? Ah, vagina talk. To relax in order to have my boyfriend penetrate me for vaginal sex. I'm a virgin and in a committed relationship. My boyfriend is amazing and listens to me while we're in bed. We have a good bedroom relationship. I'm open to trying anything with him. We took a trip out of town, and I honestly thought I would finally get to have vaginal sex. He mostly takes the lead when it comes to initiating sexy time. And I'm okay with it. I like it. I think in part, I may be as submissive. We ended up having anal sex on this trip. And while it did catch me by surprise at what he wanted in, he stopped to ask if it was okay with what he was about to do. I was more than okay. That experience was surreal and hella enjoyable. But I still feel that empty is all I wanted was be able to have his cock in me. I am considering going to my doctor, but help. I'm asking you First. All right, Tammy, your vagina is not relaxed. You might have something that we call in the vagina business vaginismus, or a variation of that. It's really painful for women to. Or vulvodynia is the other name for it, that it's very painful to have penetration. And I'm gonna guess that it probably hurts maybe to put a tampon inside you or finger inside of you. And while the causes for this different from woman to woman, there's a few things it could have to do with a trauma earlier in life where sex became really scary. Maybe there was a sexual assault and your body just shut down from it. Maybe you even grew up in a stressful household where you were constantly clenching, right? The action of clenching impacts your pelvic floor. And as a result of constantly clenching those muscles, your vagina just closes it. Literally, it feels closed up, and you can't have any penetration. And a lot of women suffer through this for a lifetime. And one of my best recommendations for you is to go see a pelvic floor physical therapist.

Pelvic floor physical therapist. So just like you'd go to a physical therapist for your back or your knees, you can go to one for your vagina and diagnose what is happening in your pelvic floor. And for many women, the great news here is for women who suffer from this condition give you something called dilators. They might do it with you, and they might send you home with some. And these dilators kind of look like a dildo, and they come in all different shapes, so. Meaning it's like a long phallic object, and it's a practice of you put it inside, and then you take it home with you, and you do exercises where you might only be able to get it in for an inch or half an inch, and then over time, you can put it in further and further and further, and they teach you how to breathe, and they teach you how to open up your vagina so you can actually have penetrative sex and a healthier sex life. And so I recommend it. It's not well known, as well known as it should be, but I do hear a lot of more practitioners going into pelvic floor physical therapy. Your insurance company might have someone you might be able to call up and see if they have that. Find one in your area. Doctors, up until maybe 20 years ago, they just were like, oh, it's trauma, or we don't really know, or it's inexplicable, or it's emotional, and it Might be all of those things if you had an emotional trauma. I mean, just because your vagina might be open through doing this dilator practice where you are constantly upping the size of the dilator over a few week period because it only takes a few weeks, which is awesome. The thing is that your vagina might have. You might have been experiencing vaginismus or vulvodymnia. Vulvodynia means it's more around the vulva and can't even take penetration in the vulva, which is the exterior part of the vagina. And vaginismus is internal hurts, but you could learn to open it pretty quickly, which is great news. And then if you have had trauma, you should also definitely see a therapist if you have any kind of sexual trauma, assault, anything in your life. Unfortunately, when you experience something as devastating as a sexual assault or trauma, it doesn't dissipate over time. It actually can exacerbate and get worse over time. So I recommend that women do it. Oh, good. Jennifer, 47, in Ohio has a success story. Going to a pelvic floor PT. She's 47. Hi, Jennifer, thanks for calling. I was actually going to say is. I was just about to say call in if you've had this. Thank you, Jennifer.

Sure.

So much of what you said resonated with me and I just wanted to share with your listeners. My situation was a little different. I don't feel it was a trauma that caused it, but, gosh, a few things when you were saying clenching and how that can kind of seize up, seize up that area. One thing that my PT specialist told me is actually I was kegeling or keggling too much. And so my piriformis muscle was, yeah, was spasming. And I thought it was my. I'm going to be very, very raw here because you don't know who I am. But I thought it was my husband's shape.

Like he's not straight.

And so I thought. And so I was kind of not blaming it on him, but that's what I had in my mind, that it was because he's not. Because physically he's not going in me straight. So I thought he was hitting some area that was causing me problems and sort of joking, he'd say, no, I think it's you. You need to get checked out. I think it's you. You need to get checked out. And it turned out it was me. And, and, and I went to a specialist and it was uncomfortable and a little bit uneasy at first, but I was so happy that I did because I realized that I had an issue that. And. And she said, do not. I'm not going to say this is the right answer for everyone, but she said, don't. Kegel. Kegeling is seizing is kind of like clenching of down there.

Yes, exactly. So, Jennifer, had you been keggling your whole life? Is that. How old were you when this happened? Like, was it something that you had just started to do it?

About 40, probably. And yes, I would Kegel a lot because I felt like it would make me tighter and it would help during sex. And so I. I was. I would do it at stoplights. I was. And maybe I was an over Kegler and. But maybe it wasn't necessarily that. It might have been a back situation.

But it could be your back too.

Yeah. And I was at my gym and there was a sign on the wall for a pelvic floor physical therapist. And I have even a longer funny story. My friend is. Does this as a. As a living. And I was at her 40th birthday and I gave her cherry Ben wall balls for like, as a joke. Like I gave them to her as part of her sort of 40th birthday joke. Like, tighten up down there. And she laughed and she goes, this is actually what I do. She. This is funnier than you think. This is. I didn't realize she. I knew she was. But I didn't know for what. And then I said, oh, you're the ones putting the signs up in our gym. It was just a funny kind of.

Oh, that's so funny. So. So, Jennifer, this is exactly it. Yeah.

Yeah.

So anyways, I didn't buy the device to take home because I was kind of I feel bad thing, and I feel bad, but it is what it is. I was sort of afraid that my kids would find it, you know, and so I never bought it. But at the same time, I went back enough, I was pretty set on this is going to help me. So I went back enough that they kind of controlled the muscle down. Just worked it out. I mean.

Yeah, really, it's working out. The. Yeah, the nerves, the tension. So that's really interesting story. That is you can over Kegel. That is a thing. So. And now you're better right? Now you don't have the pain anymore.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm so happy, Jennifer. This is so helpful.

Yeah. Yeah. Yes. I would highly recommend if anybody is feeling hesitation for, you know, just how personal that type of PT is, I say try it. It's worth trying. And it Helped me.

So.

Okay. I love it. Thank you, Jennifer. That's so helpful. Thank you for sharing your story. Being vulnerable here. We really needed to hear it. It was right on cue. All right, guys, I'm gonna take a quick break. I appreciate you and Dr. Emily. This is Sex with Emily. We'll be right back.

Okay. Let's talk to Matt in Texas. Returning caller. Hi, Matt, thanks for calling.

Hi, Emily, how are you? How are you?

I'm so good, Matt.

I don't know if you remember me, but I talked to you two years ago and we. You actually gave me the idea of using candles and just teasing the senses with my boyfriend and everything. And I just wanted to call and give you a status report.

Yes, thank you, Matt. Tell me everything. What? You use the candles.

We're.

We.

Yes, we did. And we are married now, Matt, so. And we actually wanted to thank you because you're actually the person that helped relight that spark between us. So thank you.

I'm so happy for you. I'm so glad you called in. That is amazing. Really?

Yeah. We just celebrated our first year anniversary, so I don't know why it's taking me so long to call in.

Well, probably because there's something going on. I'm really glad that I could help you guys so. Well, what's going on now? I'm thrilled that you're together.

So we were still using the candles, using ice. We are still role playing from time to time.

Did you call in about role playing the first time?

Yeah, I did. And we talked about going to a restaurant, meeting up like we didn't know each other kind of a thing.

Yes, Matt, you were like the first week. You called in the first week of the show and that was almost two years ago. And I tell that story because you called in once and I said, try role playing. Show up as sexy strangers. Right?

Yes. Yeah.

Was that it? And then that worked. Yeah, I remember.

I totally remember you, Matt.

To the.

Previous caller that called before, just do something new. Just do something new and it will work out, believe me. Emily is awesome at what she says, what she suggests. It's awesome.

So happy to hear from you, Matt. We literally talked about you for so long because we were like, they did it. They did the role play. I remember this. So, Matt, I'm so glad. So what's going on now? How can I help?

So we are thinking about introducing toys, but my concern is I don't want toys to replace something, if that makes sense.

Yeah, absolutely. People get concerned by that.

I don't Want it to take away the attention of the two of us. We've been talking about it. I'm more apprehensive than he is, but I don't know how to go about, like, to start. I've never used one before.

Okay. So, I mean, here's the thing about toys. Toys are just sometimes they can be more efficient. They can feel really good. I mean, penises don't vibrate, right? Our bodies don't vibrate. It's a great sensation. We have so many nerve endings on our body, places that aren't necessarily reachable by a hand or a penis or a finger. And so, you know, a lot of couples who have this concern have found. And in my 15 years, I've never had anyone call in and say, oh, this, I left my partner for this cock ring. But, but what they have said is it really, it can actually really enhance intimacy with a partner because you're trying something new together. So that also has that same dopamine rush because it's something new and exciting and toys just allow you to explore. I mean, if you think about it, we use technology to improve our lives, right? We, we're very efficient with, you know, we're like, oh, we're gonna get, you know, smartphone or the Alexa for our homes. But with our sex life, we think, oh, it can only be sacred, bodies against bodies. And if you just look at it like playing.

I think you're really going to enjoy it. What were you thinking of trying, Matt?

We were thinking of maybe vibrators or a double ended dildo. I'm not sure yet.

Fun.

Something that just can extend our play a little bit more.

Yeah, I mean, here's the thing about. Get a vibrator, get a penis ring, get a. It depends what kind of sensations you're looking for. But I would start with a vibrator just to feel. Because what's really fun is like you could be going down on your partner and use it to tease their perineum or their balls or the shaft as your mouth is on it. Or you could vibrate their nipples with it. Or it just feels great because we have so many nerve endings on our bodies. So it just. You could use the massage candle and then use the vibrator over that as you're giving a massage. It's just another way to prolong pleasure and to take tease each other and to feel really good. So you could also try a cock ring. You could try something for the prostate. We really love the vector or the ditto for the prostate from we Vibe. They're awesome toys. You can control them with an app on your phone from wherever you're at. If you're in the same room or you're across the world. Those are really cool. You could try double ended dildo. We've got some on our site as well. But I would just take, kind of get curious about it and play with it. Penis rings are the verge of the pivot. Yeah, we've got them all on our site too, if you want to check it out. But I would get one, something that vibrates. And just know if it's a vibrating ring, you could still put it around your fingers and then use it to tease your partner. So I would just go slow with one thing and just see how it feels and go from there. But they're not going to replace you. Call me if you're like, I don't. We're getting divorced. Because I fell in love with my We Vibe vector. I'd be like, we gotta talk, Matt. But I think you'll find it's going to expand your sexual repertoire. It's going to be the next level of things. Let me know, Matt.

Awesome.

Well, it was.

I will definitely, you know, I'll call back.

Please do. Matt, I'm so happy to hear from you. I always wanted to know what happened. And now that you're married, I'm just, I'm thrilled. I'm super happy for you and I'm so grateful. Thank you for calling. Made me feel really good.

And I'll call. I'll call and let you know.

Perfect. Thank you so much. Have a great night, Matt. Appreciate you. Let's talk to Martha 41 in California. Hi, Martha, thanks for calling.

Hi, good evening.

Good evening.

I just want to say how amazing. I've been listening to your talk show for a month now. And my daughter, who is in high school, she is a little bit younger. I've only had sex with one person my whole life and that's my husband. So we learned things together.

But just from listening to your show, I've learned so much and have been experimenting new things and it's been amazing. So even the stuff that you guys were talking about today about finding the G spot, now I'm very curious to try to find my own.

Martha, we're going to do it this weekend. Yeah.

I also wanted to tell you so my daughter's in a steady relationship and I've been buying like all the lubes and stuff. What I want for her that I didn't have was, you know, in my family. It was always like, don't have sex until you're married. Which I. I did have premarital sex with my husband, but it was always very kind of negative, and they weren't very open. So what I try to do with my daughter and your show has helped me with that, is try to be proactive in letting her know that it's okay to masturbate and to find what helps her feel good. So I bought her her own vibrator and everything. At first she was like, mom, you know, that's kind of weird. But I've always wanted to have this open relationship with her. So now that she's with her boyfriend and everything, I bought the Muse. I've bought the Pure and all that, and I bought my own set of that stuff so my husband and I can use it, and it's been fantastic.

I'm so glad. Martha, I love this. So you've been using the Muse lube with your husband and other things. But then also your daughter, she got. She's like. Because at first, our kids, right, Martha, they go, oh, ew, ew. But then you're like, nope, it's not weird at all. Like, I want you to have pleasure. I didn't know this when I was your age. And then. And then she took it, right? And she's using it with her partner. Yeah. Super healthy, Martha.

And it's great because even with her partner, you know, I always tell him, you know, if you guys need anything or have any questions, I want you to come to me. I don't want you, you know, to ask your friends who might not be. Know the stuff. And if I don't know the answer, you know, we can call Emily or, you know, we can ask someone who would know. And I just want to have. Have her have that healthy relationship. And I just wanted to thank you for that. That's really why I called.

Oh, Martha, thank you. This is really. This feels really good. Thank you for calling. I'm so happy to hear this, Martha. That's exactly what I want. I want. You know, it was so br. Too, To. To do that, because I know it's not easy, right? And your parents didn't do it, and. Yeah. So good for you. I think that's. That's just really healthy, and I love it. Now your daughter can be like that with her kids, and. And maybe some women listening now or parents listening now will kind of feel empowered to talk to their children as well. It's okay if they're in high school. You should. That's I think that's when you start talking to. Even before that they ask questions. So.

And they always have, you know, it's.

Just one of those things.

And I think they, they need to know how to be healthy and, and take care of themselves so that, you know, if I feel like if I talk to them, I think it's better to have sex education and know what you're doing than to be hush about it. And then that's when you get, you know, the unwanted pregnancy and all that stuff because, you know, they don't come to you. So I, I always felt that that was important.

That is. Yeah, it is important. And so how did the conversation change now? Like, what would you tell other, other parents who might be, you know, are listening and they might want to start it. Like, what, did you, did you go up to her? Did you just hand her the toy?

Well, I've always, you know, started with like, since she was probably around 9, 9, 10, because I got my period when I was 10. So I always talk to her about, you know, gave her books first. It was like the American Girl one, which is, you know, very safe, you know, for little kids. And, and I said, if you have any questions, talk to me. And then she's always come to me because I've always been open with her when she has a question. But when the whole thing with the serious relationship that she's been in for about a year now, I knew that was coming up because they started kissing and then making out, and I let them. I tell her, I trust you to know what you, you know, to make the right decision. I'm not going to tell you you can't have sex. I'm not going to because what happened was I went behind, you know, my parents back and went and had it.

Right.

Had sex because they were saying you can't do it. And so what did I do? I still went. So I talked to my husband and I told him, you know what? I want you to know that I'm going to let her let her boyfriend go to, you know, her room. And I want them to have a safe place with me in our home instead of them sneaking around, you know, because regardless of what us as parents do, they're going to do what they want, you know, they are.

You're right. And you just want to know it's okay. Yeah. And also, if she's going to have sex, she might as well also have pleasure. Right? Because I don't know if you had pleasure when you were in your twenties and. Or when you started having sex. Did you have pleasure in orgasms?

No, not in the very beginning. You know, my husband, he always is ready to do anything that I want. Pretty much he's down for anything really. So we did learn, but just. And it's been great. But just, you know, with, with three kids and running around and everything, our sex life kind of took. Went on the back burner. But since I've been listening to your show, it's been great.

So glad, Martha, I'm here for you. I love it. I'm so happy to talk to you. You're doing great work. I hope you have good sex this weekend. Of course I'm here for you, Martha. I appreciate it.

Feels good.

Thank you, Martha. Of course. Got you. Oh, you guys, that's. I love it. The whole family. Sex with Muse Lube for the whole family. You know, like fun for the whole. Like, I've got it. Might want to talk to my daughter about it. You know, my husband and I are going to work on our pleasure. I think that's great. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast. Podcast and share this with a friend or partner. Believe me, if you got something out of it, they will too. We release shows on Tuesdays and Fridays and look out for a bonus episode every now and then. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. It's all Sex with Emily. And I've been told I give really good newsletters. So sign up at sex with emily.com and don't forget to check out our vlogs. If you want to talk to me, ask your question questions about your sex life, dating or relationships. Email me feedbackexwithemily.com or call into my SiriusXM show Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm Pacific and call me. 8894 stars, that's triple 894-78277. Get a free 30 day trial at sexwithemily.comsxm Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwith emily.com.

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