Life Is Short: Get a Sex Toy

So to me, like, a penis ring is the perfect intro toy or gateway toy because first off, it's intimacy building, like, the shared experience. It's not this notion that it's gonna like somehow take away from the relationship. It's not like you both go to bed at night dreaming of the cock ring. Like, it made you guys— maybe you do, but it makes you closer together, right? In a way. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. There's a lot to be said for sex toys. For one, they stimulate nerve endings much deeper than hands alone can reach. And that's true no matter what genitals you've got, okay? It's for everybody. Sex toys do not discriminate. They bring pleasure to all of us. But how do you incorporate toys into partnered sex? And which ones are right for your body to give you mind-blowing orgasms? Well, on today's episode, we're talking all things sex toys so you can play in new and different ways. First, is it alright to always bring a vibe to partnered sex? One penis owner says absolutely. Speaking of penis owners, which toys are best? I also talk about squirting with toys, how to change up your solo sex routine, and if there's anything wrong if you can only orgasm with a toy. Spoiler alert: nope. Intentions with Emily. For each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for this show, and I encourage you all to do the same. Well, my intention is to demystify the world of sex toys so you can find one that works for you or have a conversation with your partner about bringing one into the bedroom. Please, please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to this show. It really helps us when you rate the show. Do it right now. Look down your app and be like, oh, 5 stars, you know, if that's what you're feeling. My new articles, The Basics of Safe Sex and Want Better Sex? Ask Your Partner These Questions, are up on sexwithemily.com. Plus, we have a brand new sexting guide on our website, which you should definitely check out. I'm loving this guide. It was so much fun creating and playing with like all the new hot sexy emojis. Did you even know about them? And there's scripts. I give you actual scripts for sexting. All you gotta do is visit sexwithemily.com/text to drop your phone number and get one of my best guides yet. Also, check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all @sexwithemily for more sex tips and advice. And TikTok, you guys, I'm putting up videos every day and it's so fun being on there. You can also ask me your questions that way or leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com/askemily or call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX or 559-825-5739. Just include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. And before we get into today's show, real quick, I am coming out with a book and it comes out June 13th. I cannot wait for you to get your hands on it. To change your life. I'm just gonna say it. It's called Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure. And all I'm asking, if you could please pre-order the book, click the link in the show notes. You're automatically entered to win a Smart Sex prize pack from me and HarperCollins, which you're gonna love. When you pre-order, you automatically get my new and improved Yes, No, Maybe guide. And also, you can request it at your libraries or pre-order from indie bookstores. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. This episode is brought to you by Nordstrom. Spring calls for a wardrobe refresh and Nordstrom has the best styles of the season. From dresses and denim to standout tops and accessories, find the trends and essentials that feel right for you. Discover new arrivals from brands you love like WAIF, Princess Polly, Mango, Adidas, and Free People. Plus free shipping and returns and freestyling appointments make everything so easy. Shop in stores at nordstrom.com. .com or download the Nordstrom app. Kelsey, 27, in New Jersey. Hey Kelsey, how are you? Good, how are you?

Good, thank you. I love your show, you're so sweet. Thanks for doing what you do.

Of course, Kelsey.

Okay, so, um, I just have a question. Um, I've been married for 8 years, got married pretty young. My husband and I, our sex life has been okay, but I recently found out that I'm only able to orgasm with toys, not with him.

Right.

So how do I break it to him that like, I don't really enjoy sex with him?

Well, have you had an orgasm before with a penis?

He's been my one and only.

Oh, okay. So, okay, great question because Kelsey, let me tell you something. Most, if you've been listening, I don't know how long you've been listening, but, but the majority of women, do not have orgasms without clitoral stimulation and without a penis. Most don't with a penis. I mean, like, I would say only 20% do, and if they do, it's because they already have clitoral stimulation. So does he go down on you? Does he please you in other ways?

He doesn't. I, I mean, I don't really— be honest, I don't really enjoy that either.

Okay, but maybe he needs to work at it if he's the only guy you've been with. And I mean, toys That's how you, uh, you can calm yourself and that's fine. You know, it's like, that's totally acceptable. But I think that it's not like breaking the news to him. What I think you could say to him is like, I found out, you could say Dr. Emily told me this. A lot of people blame me on this stuff because you have to understand, Kelsey, most women, and I'm so glad you called because many women walk around feeling broken, like something is wrong with us because we cannot have an orgasm during intercourse. Cause that's what we've been told. That's what we see in movies. And you know, we just think that we're broken, but I know this to be the fact that once you learn this and you realize that you're not alone. It's actually more common than not. And you pass that information along to your partner, and then you have— now you get to work on what does feel good to you. So right now, when he goes down on you, might not feel great because, you know, he doesn't know what— how to please you. And you might not even know how to please you with a mouth. So everything's new with him. So you guys get to explore together. So by letting him know, I'm not going to have an orgasm that way, that's just not how the majority of women orgasm. I would love if you, you could figure out some other ways and like, you know, explore together what might feel good to me.

Right, that makes me feel a lot better because I feel like he is hard on himself because he wants to so bad to give me that kind of pleasure, but it's just, it doesn't happen with him.

Yeah.

So I feel like he doesn't feel like a man essentially, but I'm glad you told me that.

Yes.

I will tell him.

Like for many men, they equate that with like, if I don't make you come with my penis, I'm not a man. But once he learns how to make you come with his mouth and his fingers and using your toy on you, he will get that same satisfaction. He just needs to be educated a little bit. Okay. Let me know how it goes, Kelsey. Of course. Thanks for calling. Good to hear from you. This is from Instagram. Our Instagram is Sex with Emily. It's from a female and she says, is it okay to always bring a clitoral vibrator into the bedroom if that's the only way you can finish with a partner? Love this question. So many women I know just keep their vibrators to themselves and we leave it in our little drawer in our nightstand and we're like, well, I have to just either fake this orgasm or pretend it's okay that I didn't orgasm, but I know Oh, there's this little powerful little magic right next to my bed, but I don't want my partner to feel bad about it. I don't want to feel shame. What is wrong if that is the only way you can orgasm? You're having an orgasm. Does it matter how it happened? Can we please let go of the fact that every orgasm is supposed to happen with a penis inside of a vagina? If I'm telling you it only happens 20% of the time, why are we so caught up that that's what it is? That's how it has to happen. I say, yeah, I mean, look at this little clitoral vibe. This is not intrusive. In fact, this is a great vibrator to use. Can you hear it? I should put it up to my mic. This is like 10 settings, okay? That is discreet and quiet. What I'm telling you is that this toy has all these settings. Now it's gonna be like, it's gonna be like going up. Just play with it. I love these. It like turns me on too. Okay, I love all the noises. Okay. Here's another great place to bring in toys into the bedroom. You definitely want to talk to your partner ahead of time and say, "Hey, you know, I've got this toy." What I do is I'll be like, "Check out my toy," like pull it out. This is like the size of my finger, like my— a little bit thicker than like my forefinger, this toy, and it is powerful and fun. And first off, so many men, they're expecting like a huge giant dildo. It's going to be bigger than them because that's how they picture vibrators. So to answer your question, Amber, I think it's okay to bring it into the bedroom as long as you introduce it. You know, think about it. Anyone gets up in the middle of sex, you're like, what? What happened? What are we doing? Like, you have to have it out already. Introduce it to them, right? It's like going up to a dog or something. You know, you can go up and you're like, warm them up. You know, just go up, pick up a dog. I don't know why this is my analogy, but you're like, hey, come here. Like, smell my hand. Like, let me pet you. Same thing. You're like, look at this toy. Isn't it cute? Like this little pink, and then you show it to them and they're like, oh yeah, that's fun. Show me that. And it feels good to them. So if it feels good on them, they're not gonna care that you're using it. Let's talk to Jonathan, 45, in Iowa. Hi Jonathan, what's going on?

Oh, hi Emily, how you doing?

So good. Tell me what's going on. Thanks for calling.

I just want to make a comment for all the males that listen out there and, um, go ahead and back you when I say that using sex toys on your female partner, um, is wonderful and great. I just want to tell all the males that in my 20-plus years of experiencing sex through marriages or through women using sex tools. I look at them like— and I tell men this all the time, or my friends— it's like working on your car. You know, you got different tools for different jobs on a car. You shouldn't feel intimidated. And your number one, you know, job, of course, of course, is to pleasure your other partner regardless of what you use.

Exactly, Jonathan. The job gets done.

Yes, the job gets done, and there's different toys, there's different stores you can go to. Uh, you can probably remember— well, I don't know, I'm probably a lot older than you, but, uh, back when I was younger, you know, going to, uh, a sex, you know, adult toy store was sort of creepy and had a lot of, uh, strangers hanging around there and guys in trench coats. But, uh, now you got, uh, you know, some of these, uh, adult stores that are cleaner than some of the Walmarts and Targets you go into.

That's so true.

That can help you, you know.

Exactly. Oh my God, Jonathan, you got to come work for us. This is amazing, Jonathan. It's true though. Yeah, I know. I grew up in Michigan and there was one off the highway. I think it was called like Pink Lady or something. I don't know what it was called, but it was so sketchy. It was like pink and black. I was driving to college, like a pink light flashing with like a naked woman. And then, yeah, same thing, like men in trench coats. You have to go to the back of the store. I was— it was so titillating. No, they're like beautiful stores that you walk in. It's like totally fine. There's so many toys. Yeah, and it's just another tool in your sexual toolkit. Exactly, Jonathan. Yes, thank you.

And the other thing too is I just want to say, uh, yes, uh, lube's important instead of having one lube on your nightstand. You should have multiple lubes because there's different lubes for different situations.

Exactly. Oh my God, love this, Jonathan. What's your favorite lube? Do silicone or water-based?

To be honest with you, my favorite lube is whichever lube the woman I'm with feels comfortable with, because not all women are the same.

True. There's some great water-based ones. Some women are more sensitive. You know, I hope a lot of men are listening this and they're inspired right now that it's all just sex. It's all about pleasure. Why not do what makes everyone feel good?

Yes, why not thank you and your staff? Key thing, I've worked in radio before. I know the people in the background work just as hard as you to make you sound good and to also support you.

Hmm.

They, they're the best team, Jonathan. Thank you so much. Thanks for calling. Okay, this is from Shanae, 30, in North Carolina. Hi, Dr. Emily. Can you suggest ways to better enjoy my toys? 'I prefer clitoral stimulation, but I always find myself doing the same thing. Same position, laying on back with legs in a frog position. I don't listen to music or watch porn. It's just me and the vibrator noise. At this point, I've grown tired and have started using my toys less. Thanks for your help.' All right, I love this question, Shanay, because listen, we all get bored doing the same things over and over again. And usually we hear this about partnered sex, but I'm with you. It happens with masturbation as well. Like, I'd be bored too. I have been bored too. That's why I want to talk to all of you and tell you stuff that I've been learning and studying so we can all learn together. Listen, we have to mix up everything in our lives, specifically sex. And here's the thing, we crave novelty and variety in our sex lives, and that does include our solo sex routine. And in fact, that's the thing I hear most from people, like, "I'm bored, I'm bored." So let's mix it up. So start with an evening for yourself, like make a date with yourself. I want you to seduce yourself like you are the best lover you've ever had. Okay? And in fact, I want you to become the best lover you've ever had. So prepare yourself and your room just as you would if a partner was coming over. Light a candle, turn on some music, set aside a long period of time so you don't have to worry about just banging it out quickly, hitting it and quitting it, which definitely has a place in our lives, but not for what we're talking about here. We don't want it to be just another thing on your to-do list. So I want you to start by like feeling and teasing your whole body with your hands and your toys, but don't go just right for the clitoris. Cress your breasts, touch your nipples, your inner thighs. Take time. Foreplay is still so important in solo sex. It really is. And you just might need a new toy, you know, to reignite that passion. What I've been loving lately is the Spellbound Stimulator by Sorelle. It is sort of a twofer or a fourfer. Is that a thing? It's a pleasure tool that's both clitoral suction toy and a G-spot toy. But the cool thing about it is that you can adjust it to adapt to your anatomy. So you can use it in a bunch of different ways. You can insert it vaginally to stimulate the G area. You can use the sucking edge on your clitoris. So you really could have fun with this one. It's another way to have more variety and a variety in one toy. Even better. You can try any Sorelle's Pleasure Tools, by the way. Get 15% off your first order. Use code EMILY15. Just go to getsorelle.com/SWE. That's g-e-t-c-e-r-e.com/sw, or click the link in our show notes. So the other thing, Shanay, is spice up the positions. Like, try going on all fours, like doggy style, or turn over on your stomach, or even standing. Do you ever stand during masturbation and kind of squeeze your legs together? That's a really hot position, everyone with a vulva. It's hot. Do you kind of pump your Kegel muscles? Squeeze your legs together, use a toy. That's a really good one. Another thing that can be really hot is masturbating in front of a mirror. There have been studies that have showed that when vulva owners look at themselves in the mirror while they're having sex with themselves or anyone else, they get even more aroused than some penis owners just by looking at themselves. Allow yourself to see how sexy you are. Even if this seems ridiculous, just try it out once. Okay. It's also a great technique to feel more confident during partnered sex. Like if you already know and feel comfortable with what you look like during solo sex, how much easier will it be to be with a partner? I also get further into all of this. There's a lot about sexual confidence in my book, Smart Sex, which by the way, please preorder it. I would love that. Just click the link in the show notes as well. You can also try porn. Audio erotica would also spice it up. We love Bellesa because they've got porn that's made by women for women, or audio erotica. You can listen to someone else masturbating, which might get you in the mood. And also, lastly, try taking nudes. Taking nudes for a partner is hot, but taking nudes for yourself can be even hotter and liberating. Like, don't wait till you're with somebody or in a relationship to kind of look at yourself in the mirror and take pictures. Like, be sexy, seduce yourself. Just remember, keep them in a secure folder or an app on your phone. All right, Jenae, let's take it to the next level. Let me know how it goes. Okay, thanks for your email. I know it helps so many people, including myself. I just got inspired again. When we're back, I'm sharing suggestions for different kinds of sex toys for penis owners and what to do when you're embarrassed about squirting from toys. Don't go anywhere. AJ35 in Boston, and he says, I'm a straight male, but I've used my girlfriend's vibrator on my frenulum and it feels pretty great. Is there another toy you would recommend more? If you don't know, the frenulum is the underside of the penis where the shaft meets the tip when it's erect. The underside of it, there's this little area there. It actually is leftover erectile tissue. If you're circumcised, that's actually what that tissue is, why it's so sensitive. Just FYI. And if you are non-circumcised, all your foreskin is sensitive. But anyway, that's where the frenulum came from. I've told this to a lot of penis owners and they're like, I didn't know it had a name, but yeah, that feels really good. So that is the frenulum. Just think of it as your new best friend if you didn't already know it. Why I love when guys ask me questions about toys is because there is this notion that toys are just for vulvas or like women. You know, we have the monopoly on vibrations. And if you use a vibrator, men shouldn't need a vibration. Well, I'm telling you, vibrators, the vibration sense feels great on so many parts of our body. I mean, even the magic wand. Which is a big external vibrator. It's actually started as a massager, so it's a great way to incorporate into a personal massage with a partner or with yourself. But for your frenulum, there are a few toys for men that are awesome. I recommend the masturbation sleeve, if you will. Kind of looks like a, um, think of like a hot dog, right? And your penis is the hot dog and it wraps around it and it has this little oscillation function. So it's not so much vibration, but when your penis is resting in it, it sort of oscillates right on the frenulum and it feels amazing. Like, I gave one to an ex-boyfriend and he like— I didn't see him for a week, he's like, this freaking thing is amazing. There's also just like little bullet vibes. Oh, it says you took your girlfriend's vibrator, so you probably know that really just like a little bullet vibe. And also there's vibrating penis rings, and we know that for the majority of women that they require more clitoral stimulation anyway during intercourse, and that's how they're more likely to orgasm. So to me, like, a penis ring is the perfect intro toy or gateway toy, because first off, it's intimacy building. Like, it's a shared experience. It's not this notion that it's gonna like somehow take away from the relationship. It's not like you both go to bed at night dreaming of the cock ring. Like, it made you guys— maybe you do, but it makes you closer together, right? In a way. The other thing I want to say for a tired jaw, just like use your hand. You could put the cock ring on, you could just tickle the tip. Or the Taint with a vibrator on a lower setting. I think sometimes the high settings is a lot for some penises, but it's just another variation. And I think in relationships, we all crave variety. I think we all want something a little bit different. And so this notion that bringing in a toy somehow crutch or going to take away, it's like, okay, or you could have the sex the same exact way over and over again every day for the rest of your life, or bring in a different sensation. Okay, let's talk to Amanda, 24, in Montana. Hi, Amanda.

Hi, Emily.

Hi, thanks for calling. What's going on?

So I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now, and we have great sex, and I come all the time. And so we decided to add toys into the mix for the first time, and I never used toys before. And it was awesome. I came, I squirted for the first time, and it was fantastic. And then I have not been able to come since then. I have tried it without the toy, I have tried it with the toy, in nothing.

Okay, what kind of toy did you use?

It was a wand. I don't remember the exact name, but it was just like a clitoral simulator.

Okay, so we often think we can't have an orgasm for certain reasons, and this is the thing, I think that it might have been like, oh, I think this is going to— it won't be able to happen now, and then it doesn't happen, right? So I would just continue to go back to what you were doing before, but like, how many times have you tried? Without the toy?

A lot. We tried it with it again. And then I think I was like, really embarrassed too, because I like squirted for the first time and it was like, oh my god, like, kind of embarrassed. So I almost feel like I'm nervous to do that again. But I know I shouldn't be.

Yeah, no, throw a towel down. But Amanda, have you tried on your own just like masturbating again without a toy and getting back to it? Because I'm telling you, like, you didn't hurt yourself, your clitoris isn't broken, like You know, I think we worry about that, but it's like a pattern thing. Like, we have like neural pathways in our brain that kind of trained, right? You're not even trained yet. After it happening, you know, a few times, it's just a matter of like getting into your body, breathing, giving yourself permission. Because now it's like, it's kind of like what I talked to men about, to be honest, Amanda, with premature ejaculation. Some men come like the first time they have sex, they'll come too quickly, and then like every time after for a long time until I just like, it's our head, it's anxiety, it's worrying it's not gonna happen, it's not gonna happen. And so I'm I'm telling you, there's nothing wrong with you, Amanda. You didn't break anything. You won't— it's not like you'll never be able to come again without a toy. I get this question a lot in all different areas. It's just a matter of knowing that it's possible and focusing on your pleasure. Like, this is where mindfulness is just such a great practice. When you find your head going, I hope I come this time, oh my God, what if I can't, am I gonna squirt, then you just go back to your breath and what you're feeling in the moment. I don't know if you have like a mindfulness practice or a meditation practice, but the best thing is really just going back to the moment. Oh, I'm feeling my partner's hands on me or inside of me, you know, we're breathing together, you're looking in each other's eyes, just something to feel more connected to the moment and not to your thoughts.

That sounds great. Thank you.

Okay. Let me know how it goes, Amanda. Thanks, Amanda.

Thank you.

Of course. It's funny. We had another, uh, another email from somebody. She thinks that since she has sex with condoms now, she can't have an orgasm. And I think there's all these limiting beliefs around things. Like I add something new in and then I can't have an orgasm or this thing happened and I can't have an orgasm. But the good news is so many of us, we, we, you can have an orgasm. You can last longer. You can even have multiple orgasms. Just limiting beliefs around that. Let's talk to Amanda, 31, in Oregon. Hi, Amanda. What's going on? Tell me everything.

Hello. I just have to say I'm a little nervous, so—

Oh, it's okay.

I stumble over my words. That's what's going on. So I met my husband when I was 14 years old, and we've been together ever since. So 17 years. He's been my only partner, and we also have the most vanilla sex ever because we've never had other partners. We don't know what to do.

We just kind of go through it. Yeah, how would you know? Yeah.

So I kind of want to spice it up. I mean, we have 2 kids now, and I'm kind of getting into that phase of my life where like, I'm getting extra horny all the time. And like, I'm like, okay, let's go. And then we do it. And I'm like, well, that was that again.

I got it, Amanda, you're exactly where you need to be. Okay, so you've come to the right place. 31 years old, 2 kids, 1 partner. So Amanda, there's nothing to be like embarrassed about or feel bad. Every single couple will go through this. They will if they don't ever talk about sex and they don't think about ways to kind of mix it up and keep it interesting. And how would you know? This isn't the kind of information that someone's gonna drop off a flyer at your house or you're gonna get a— like, someone's gonna walk over and say, Amanda, I tried this great crazy sex thing last night with my husband. Like, people don't talk about it. So the job here then is to first bring it up with your husband and just say, you know what, I— like, how do you feel about us, like, talking about our sex life and figuring out some really fun things? You know, tell them all the things you love about it. Like, what do you love about your sex life right now, Amanda? One thing.

I don't— I guess I really like nipple stimulation. It's my absolute favorite thing besides making out.

Okay, amazing. Does he know that?

Yes.

Okay, great. And then are there things that you know that he likes?

Yeah, um, he likes, uh, a lot of oral.

Oral, right? Yeah, I gotcha. He's got a penis. First off, have you talked to him about your sex life before?

I mean, not since we've had kids, and my daughter is 3 and a half, so yeah, so not in a while.

But you know what, it's like talking about what should we for dinner? Where should we go on our next vacation? It's like, that's how I want people to start talking about sex, like it's something you gotta plan. So I would just say, you know what, I realized that, God, I love our sex life. I know it's been strained with the kids, and, but I really would love to find out how we could both become the greatest lovers to each other. I don't even know what that looks like yet. Let's figure it out. And then it becomes something new, like your favorite Netflix show that you like binge on. And then like working on your sex life becomes that thing. So there's a couple of ways you could do it. A lot of couples listen to this show, and then you'll get some ideas. The other thing is a yes, no, maybe list. We have this great thing that a lot of people have found a lot of use from this, Amanda. If you go to sexwithemily.com, and then you figure out some fun things to try, and then you start from there.

Oh, that sounds really fun.

That's why people like, I got it. They either want like somebody outside of them to do it, or if you can gamify it or listen to something. So yeah, that's what you got, Amanda. And also lubes, lube and toys is also great too.

I was also thinking, well, We don't get a lot of date nights out. Maybe we take a date night to a store to pick out a toy.

Yes, that's great, Amanda. So I'm a huge fan of that. Um, I know there's probably some great shops where in Oregon, I'm trying to think, there's some independent shops. You go in there, it's great date night and it's such a fun way to like kind of move, get a book together, like buy some toys, get some lube. I love that for your next date night. Perfect.

You got it.

All right, Amanda. I love it. Okay. Let me know. Of course I got you. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter @sexwithemily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to sexwithemily.com/askemily. Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me: feedback@sexwithemily.com.

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