Like Your Body, Love Your Sex Life

No matter what age we're at, I think that there's things that make us really insecure and prevent us from having the sex that we want. And the sooner we can kind of unpack those and realize that what we're worrying about, what we're stressed about, is not going to upset our partner. Likely, it's mostly our own judgments about ourself.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. We've all heard of body positivity, the idea that we should celebrate the skin we're in rather than emphasize how we think others see us. But really, how is your relationship with your body? Well, today's show is all about giving our bodies the respect they deserve. I'm first joined by Bethany C. Myers, whose fitness company the Become Project aims to change the motivation behind working out. Bethany also shares why sex takes on a new, rich depth when we learn to connect with our movement on a daily basis. I'll also answer questions about your struggles with body image because, listen, if we can't learn to love our own, how can we genuinely share them intimately with others? Intentions With Emily for each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to help you start a new, respectful relationship with your body because sex only feels better when we get into our body regularly and lovingly. Please rate and review Sex With Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, four Sex Toys so Pretty They Double as Art is up@sexwithemily.com check out my YouTube channel, social media and tick tock. It's all at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or Message me@sexwithemily.com Ask Emily or call my hotline 5559 Talk Sex or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. All right everyone, enjoy this episode.

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Before we get started, I just want to remind you all that this is a best of episode that may include outdated language like references to gender. I started using the terms penis owner and vulva owner in 2020 in order to become more inclusive of all gender identities and expressions. We're always learning and growing here at Sex with Emily and can only do so with your continued feedback. Bethany C. Myers is the founder and CEO of the Become Project. Myers approaches fitness through a body neutral lens, the idea of shifting from self criticism to a middle ground of body acceptance. Beyond the Become Project, Myers is a prominent voice and advocate in the LGBTQ community with particular ambition to amplify issues facing non binary and transgender communities. Learn more@the BecomeProject.com and follow Bethany on Instagram @BethanyCmeyers and the Become Project at the Become Project, I'm really excited to welcome my guest. Right now I have Bethany C. Myers. Hello. Hello Bethany.

Hi Emily.

So glad Bethany's here. We're having a great chat. Bethany's a New York City based master instructor known for body positive and inclusive approach to instruction. You know a lot about body knowledge alignment. I was watching all your tutorials. It's not about just losing weight and feeling skinny and you also have your project. The they can find the Become Project. So the Become Project is where they can find the app. Tell me about it. Tell me how you started it.

Totally.

And all your journey.

Yeah, the Become Project. So basically I was an instructor for years and years and years. Sound like I'm really old. 10 years though. I was teaching in Boutique Fitness and decided that I wanted to take my workouts online to be able to reach more people. And then I think the bigger thing that happened in the Become project is that I realized how.

Kind of toxic the fitness world can be in the way that we think about our bodies. So I think that they really try to sell us on the workout by saying, your body is not good as it currently is. And so I wanted to create a place where people could work out for the reason that's not necessarily just about weight loss. Even if your goal is weight loss.

Exactly.

I think the motive is to go in and say, I want to move to feel good. I want to move for my mental health. I want to have some me time. I want to move my body. You know, it really is switching.

So this is what I love. And I watched your TED Talk, which I thought was great. It was so powerful and so moving in your journey about being in the industry and being someone who had an eating disorder, then realizing, like, it's all about this external need to, like to lose weight. Then you had your whole journey toward realizing is about, you know, loving your body. And I actually want to know what your process was for healing. What I love that you said that's so motivating is that we know that it's right for us to work out, but it's so hard to motivate because we use this negative. We beat ourselves up, we guilt ourselves in it. We feel shame if we don't. I gotta work out. I gotta to lose weight. I got to look better. We hate our bodies. We look in the mirror. We hate everything. And I'm always telling people, look in the mirror. Like, look at what you love about yourself. It's so hard to do. And there's so much pressure for women and for men. We all have it. And so it's like, I love that your project, the Become project, which is so cool. I love, like, just the whole process. So congratulations, because it's not easy putting that shit together.

Thank you. It's been grassroots as fuck. It's been really. Yeah, it's been a process getting here, but it's. But amazing at the same time.

Amazing, right? Of course. The journey weight was never my thing. I've got a lot. People always say, oh, you're lucky. I've got so many other issues. I'm not so lucky if you're like, oh, you're skinny. I'm like, how much time do you have? Do you know what goes on in my goddamn brain every day? I barely made it here today. Okay. Because I realized when I started running first, when I was in my 20s, I felt better. I got the endorphin rush I felt like an accomplishment. And then I started rock climbing, and I never felt I was good at sports. And so it was all these things for me. And for me now I have gotten to the point all these years, like, if I don't do it for a few days, I need it. I have a really good. Like, I love it. It's healthy, it clears my mind, it helps with depression. By 25, I did love. I didn't love it until I was about 23. But how? What would you say? Because I think your approach, Bethany C. Myers, is kind of like getting people to. To kind of learn to just hook up with it in a way that is not judgy. Not blamey. Shamey.

Yeah. Well, it's interesting because a lot of the clientele, I mean, I have two different types of clientele. One is, like, a super athletic person who loves working out, and they like the routines and the movement's very unique. It's almost like a dance class without dancing at all. And then I have people who are like, I hate the gym. Never wanna work out a day in my life. Like, no, thank you. And I think the reason why people get attached to that is mostly just because of the language that I use in teaching. So, you know, oftentimes, look, if I wasn't in fitness, I probably wouldn't be a workout person, to be completely honest. Like, it's not. I would never just go to a gym on my own and get on the treadmill. Like, I don't even know how to do that. I have to take a class or have somebody guiding me. Right. I think that a lot of times, like, I would go into a fitness class and, like, go lower, go deeper, push harder. Like, come on.

What?

Why are you resting? Sort of like this, like, very, like, bashing, almost a little bit scary. And I really like to teach from a place that's still tough. It's still like, get in there and do it. But it's like, okay, where do you feel the best? What would happen if you didn't come down instead of dropping? What would happen if you go to your knees? It's sort of this different approach to bring people in where I feel like a lot of people have found a safe space within where, like, they can let their, like, their body is allowed to have flaws, they're allowed to mess up. It's okay if you have fat rolls on your stomach, right? Like, it's not all about getting a freaking bikini body. Like, there's other that we're talking about and thinking about one of the main things we're thinking about is how do you feel? So my favorite part of the app is before and after each workout, in order to unlock and lock the routine, you have to answer the question, how do you feel? And I think that that really starts to let people recognize, am I starting this workout feeling unmotivated? And then finish feeling really energized? And so if you can take the attention to how you feel after, maybe that becomes more motivating. What's not motivating to work out is you suck. You ate too much food this weekend. Now you have to go to the gym. Like, that's miserable, right?

Exactly.

That's why we don't stick with workouts.

Exactly. We use it as a punishing. If you could really learn to be in the moment and be thinking about, how does your body feel? I love that you have that check in and the beginning of all your videos. I think what I love also about your workout videos, first of all, do them at home. You can do them anywhere. And I love it because I do. Now, the kind of practice that you're doing, it's more like Pilates yoga base. It seems like some of it just are the positioning and you give modifications. Because I have a bad back, and I feel like I've hurt myself in classes when they're not, like, afterwards. I had this with an instructor recently, and she said to me, well, why didn't you tell me you had a bad back? I'm like, there's 20 people in here. And I wasn't gonna go up there and tell you, but she's like, well, don't you know the modifications yet? I'm like, no, I don't. It's a fairly new injury. I was working. It just pissed me off.

Yeah, I've actually started.

Can't go around. But you're doing that in the delivery and making people feel good. Totally.

So I've actually started not even calling them modifications. I just call them alternatives. Because what I realized is, you know, a side plank, like, if you don't have a good shoulder, you don't have a good neck, There's a good chance that you always need to be on your knees in a side plank, no matter how strong you are. And I. I'm kind of like, over this idea where it's like, this is the harder version and this is the easier version. It's just two different versions. What feels best on your body? And when you're doing things that feel good on your body, right then you're working it in the right way, then it's a different relationship. And it's not like every time I do this workout, my back is killing me. So I think that I would. I like the idea of finding power and figuring out what our body needs, essentially. Body autonomy. Right.

Exactly.

What do I need at this time? So then a big part of my job is to make sure that people know all the different ways that they can do something.

And you do it seamlessly. It seems like it's effortless in that way. So it really is your gift.

I really like telling people what to do with.

Telling people what to do in the bedroom.

Sometimes.

Yeah.

Do you feel like you're more like, dominant, submissive, dominant?

It definitely depends on who I'm with.

Right. So you're with. Let's talk about your. If you. Let's talk about you. Okay. For a second. Let's talk about your. So you're with men. Women. Women. Mostly women. Tell me, because I'm mostly. Right. Okay.

You've met my spouse who is born male. Identifies as non binary. Uses they them pronouns, as do I.

You use they them pronouns, too. We could talk about that. They them. I was afraid. I mean, I've done this, but I feel like I don't want message they. Okay. Just know that I care.

Practicing a language.

It is an important language. I know. I don't think that you would.

No. Because I actually remember times when that was, like, really hard for me when I started, you know, having friends who use they them, and I had to, like. I had to really practice. You have to practice learning a language. Right. It's a way of speaking. And so I think oftentimes people are very intimidated by the words because they don't want to offend someone. But I try to look at it from a place of, like, it's just learning how to talk. And this is just a more inclusive way of speaking.

Exactly. Okay. Yeah. So they. That. Right. So what? Would you correct somebody? So how would we explain that, though? Exactly. So I wouldn't say she. So, Bethany, you'd like her point? They. I would say. Yeah, they's. Bethany is here today.

We're really excited to talk to them.

To talk to them. Bethany is here today. Look great. You do look great, and you sound great. And you're in an open marriage.

Okay, so I'm in an open marriage.

So let's talk about that. Because people are often confused by that. They're intrigued. They're not sure how it works. How do you get past it? And you've had a Lot of experience. So how does that work for you?

You know, it's a topic I talk about often. And honestly, it's something I'm still figuring out as far as how I can help other people. Something that's interesting about the relationship itself is Nico and I have kind of always been open. We've known each other for 13 years. There's been times that I suppose we dated monogamously, but, like, neither one of us are monogamous people. So we just cheated on each other and then, you know, like, easily got over it because we're like, whatever, I don't care kind of thing. We're both queer, you know, as far as my identity, like, I'm married to somebody who has male parts, but I wouldn't ever consider any other guy.

And how would you say that being in your body like this work that you've done? Because this is one to go back to for a minute. Because how has it improved just your sex life overall? Because coming out from a place of starving your body of nutrients and restrictive, like a lot of us do, we're not talking about self love. I remember was a big light bulb moment when I realized that self love was like, it. Not only is it words, but like the little things that you do or like eating the bad foods or the negative talk. It just happens all day, every day. It can if you don't monitor it. So you learn to, like, really get into your body. How has that helped you sexually, would you say? Because I would think when you were out of it.

Well, I mean, even more than I mean it's helped me sexually. It's your body is everything. Right? It's like this home that. It's not everything. It's the home that we reside in, though. And it's this physical manifestation of ourselves. And so that carries into every single aspect. What I found is at the height of my eating disorder, at the height of my body bashing and really, really just being super uncomfortable in my skin was also at the height of like, my most disconnected sex.

Oh, right.

And like, sexual encounters where I was like, I don't even. I don't care who it is. Like, just like. I mean, honestly, like, I feel like, really disrespectful to my own self. Yeah, this is like, whatever. You can be an asshole, but you can still fuck me sort of thing, you know, I just did, like, did not care. As I started to heal and really started to focus on, like, I'm only gonna move for reasons because of my own mental health. Like, I'M gonna stop doing workouts because of anything that's exterior. And I'm only gonna work out for things that are interior. And then, like, I'm gonna spend every day literally standing in the mirror and being like, I love you, legs.

I love you. Don't really do it. Let's talk. Cause I totally do that all the time. And that's part of your program too. You give these tips or just part of your way of life. It's true. Look in the mirror.

Yeah, I mean, you have to. And there was definitely a time where I was like, oh, that's so cheesy. But it really does help, especially on bad days, which I still very much have, like, all, like, all the time. Right. I'm not this perfect, like, I'm super body neutral and everything's great all the time. It's like, some days it sucks. But talking to yourself is really helpful. Reminding yourself that, like, the way, you know, what helps me is the way that you, like, I'm feeling this way about my body because society has painted a picture of what is beautiful and what is perfect. And this is an idea that's been sold to me. It often helps me to take it to like a bigger perspective, you know, I don't know if that helps other people.

No, I think it absolutely does. I think that is a really big shift to realize that, like, you can have the agency over your own body, those own decisions, and then stopping the negative. Because it really is true that we see. I remember this woman was selling lingerie at the flea market. I just love this example. And she was saying it. She'll have women come in that two women, same day, different body, like, same body type, same exact. And one comes in and she's like, I look so hot. I feel so good. And then someone else is same. And she's like, oh my God, I could never wear this. And it's like we all have that choice in every moment to decide to love the body that we are in and to have this notion that it's supposed to look any certain way. And I do think we're getting certain places in society. We're seeing all different sized bodies, like in advertisements. And people are being a little. But we're still got a long way to go. So I love that this app is really about. And what you're doing, your whole movement is about just helping everyone. Just being on this more body. Not even body positivity being like neutral. Because positivity, even being body positive is kind of stressful because if you Hate your body. You're like, I'm not gonna be positive, but I could be neutral. Right. And that's a good place to start, if that's where you need to start.

Because we often do things that set ourselves up to fail. And the idea that you can be positive about something 100% of the time, like, I can't think of one thing in my whole life that I am positive about all the time.

Me neither.

And so the more, like, you need to be body positive, and then you have days where you don't feel super body positive, and it's like, oh, you failed at being body positive. It's just so messed up. Right? So I use the word body neutrality with the idea that some days you love your body, some days you hate your body. All days you respect your body. And I go back to that often where it's like, okay, today I don't feel great about it. I'm gonna accept that and acknowledge it. But, like, I am more than just my body. This is not the only thing that I am.

Right. There's so much more. Yeah. So much more to you. I think that's a great. I think that is such a good message, really. So how do you feel? How has it been going? What's the response been to. To the BECOME project?

It's been. It's been amazing.

It's.

Honestly, it's been very heavy in a good way.

It's an emotional. Like, it evokes something very emotional in people. And the stories that we get in from clients is this really powerful thing. I mean, if people being like, I did the work out of my underwear today, and I. This is the first time that I've stood in my underwear and, like, really looked at myself, like, that's a huge thing.

That is a huge thing for people.

To be like, I'm feeling more comfortable. We've actually had a lot of people saying that they're feeling more comfortable around their spouse and that their sex life is a lot better.

That has to be. You got to move your body 100%.

And, like, it's really cool to have people writing, being like, you've improved my sex life.

Yes. That's what. We're all. You know all about this, right? No, all day, every day. That's what. That's it. Because it's. It is the life force. So what I also want to explain to people, and this is something that I'm just like, ugh. If we don't move our bodies, like, our life force, like, our, like, the pelvic. Floor. I mean, there is so much tension and there is so much that we hold memories, we hold. We hold stress and tension, and that actually prevents us from, like, you have to move your body to have better sex. I mean, and I hate to be like, you got it, but you do. And we wonder why. Sometimes I hear from a lot of. I hear from women, men and women, but a little bit more women who are like, I don't know why I've never in the mood and sex has gotten boring. But, like, I don't have time to work out and I can't do anything. And like, a lot of times, a lot of things start in the met. You have pain, but we have to learn to, like, strengthen our core, do exercises. And that gets you. The more you move, the more you will want sex. Your blood's flowing. Your blood is a little stagnated if you're not doing right.

Yeah. I honestly haven't thought about it that way, but you're absolutely right.

Yeah. I mean, it's really when. Once you start moving. And that's why even couples do it together. Like, if they, like, didn't. It's just. And that is something. Because when couples play together, I would say they play together, they stay together. But it's true. When you move, your body's together. It's hot. It is. Or take a class or do something that's, you know, challenging both of you, you get that dopamine, that serotonin, that connect connectivity again. Right.

So and gaining your own, just your own stance, like, understanding what it feels like to be inside of your body. I'm really big, like, in. In my instruction, I've always been this way. I'm really big about putting the mind into the muscle.

Yeah.

Put your. Put your mind into your body. Where do you feel it? Where do you want to feel? Really taking yourself mentally there. And I think that that's just so important to really be inside of yourself and understand what you feel like.

Well, I think that. Okay. Yes. I'm so glad you brought this up because that is a. So hard for I. That is something that personally I've had to learn that. And that has been a journey where I literally would have, like, I remember, like 20 years ago, I had a therapist say to me, like, well, where do you feel this in your body? And I was annoyed. I was like, I only feel anxiety. I feel it everywhere. So I don't know what you're talking about. I don't have emotions in my body. I don't feel it. And it took me a long time, and that's from a lot of us who disassociate. Things happen in childhood. I had trauma. Things happen, and I had to learn. And I'm still. It's always a journey because we can numb out. We can not feel things to feel things. So what is your process? What's the language that you would use to get someone to really, like, stop and go, where am I feeling this?

To put it into movement? Right. I mean, when I'm doing a certain move, I'm helping evoke the feeling.

Yep.

If you're doing a glute exercise with me, your ass is gonna be on fire. You know, like, I mean, I'm helping encourage that by the position that we're doing. And then I'm, like, coaching a lot of form to work people into a spot. So what often helps is to figure out if you're feeling it in the wrong place in order to feel it in the right place. So it's sort of using that, like, back and forth. Does that make a little bit of sense?

Yeah, no, totally.

Are you feeling it in your knee? And if you shift your butt backwards and do this, can you then feel it in your butt? So you have. You have no other option but to think about those places.

Exactly. And you do that throughout. Right. Do you remind people that? Because this is what pisses me off in classes, too, when they. They don't tell you. And I'll say this to my instructor. I'm like, well, where am I supposed to be feeling this right now? Because I don't know. And I'm just a perfect. I feel like, am I doing it wrong? So to keep having people. And then that's what keeps you, like, to keep saying, you should be feeling this in your left and your right hand. And, you know. Yeah.

Well, if you know where you're supposed to feel it, then you can adjust. I mean, so my main job for years was being a teacher trainer. I trained instructors, and I'm obsessed with the format of teaching and how you're supposed to teach and, like, what cues make someone understand something and how you use your voice against the music. I mean, I could go on for hours. Hours.

Yeah.

But that is that, like, teaching other instructors how to teach is one of my favorite things, and that's one of my number one things I say is if you tell people where they're supposed to feel it, it helps them better adjust their body to get there.

Absolutely. I think every single instructor, those are my favorite instructors. I'm like, thank you, like, after yoga, like, thank you. Because I've been doing it for yoga forever. But I still need to remember that my shoulders have to go over my hands. Right. Or don't be, because you just keep going back, you know, you keep going back to how you're used to doing things. So to keep correcting. I kind of got to go back to your open relationship thing because I cut you off. Let's go back. I know that, people. Because you're in a successful one, and I would just like. Or you're working on it, and I think. I love your language. A work in progress. We're always working on it.

I think it's.

Working on it.

Super success. I do.

I think.

I think we have a really successful open, like, as far as how we interact with each other. What has been hard right now or what I'm struggling with right now is who. Who am I dating? Who are, like, the people who are into the open marriage. Who are the people that are okay with the fact that you're married, who can get it. It's, you know, the idea of what marriage is. Is so ingrained into us. We're so ingrained to, like, only know what a monogamous relationship looks like. And I know that there's. I know that there's more. You know, I know that it can be something else. And it's just. That's been the hardest thing, is finding other people who are on board.

Yeah. Well, I think that you're doing a lot of educating in all different areas of your life, so they just have to understand what it means. But it's hard, though, if you're saying it's just for sex. If you want something more than that. You never know what things are gonna be like if you have energy with somebody.

Yes.

I think you're gonna find people something that you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

It's not a sin. I was raised really religious.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

So it's okay to explore, Masturbate.

Yes, masturbate.

I always bring it back to masturbation. It took me way too long to find it and experience it.

Yeah. How old were you?

Like late 20s.

Yeah. Oh, okay.

Yeah. I mean. I mean, granted, when I was young, I was, like, hanging on, like, the pole of my bedpost, like I was doing.

Oh, you were right. But you didn't know you felt shame or. It was weird. Right. And it was like, you're from the Midwest, too, right? You're from Missouri.

Yeah.

From Michigan. Yeah.

And then the first time that I like, really went in with my hands and, like, did it full out, you know, Put all my heart and soul.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That you gotta do.

I was like, holy shit.

Yeah. Where have you been my whole life? Who the fuck is this? It was amazing. I have to say, the more you work out. Move. I always wanna, like, masturbate after I work out. It's all the blood flow. It's a good thing.

Totally.

Okay. Something random that gets you in the mood.

Something random that gets me in the mood is.

Esteem.

Like bathing. Yeah. Steam shower. Yeah, I did that today.

I just. I moved to a new building and there's a steam room and it's the best.

It really does. It does. It's hot, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Biggest dating deal breaker.

Jealous.

Crazy. Yeah. I didn't get to how you get through jealousy in open thing.

You know, I really. I don't know if it's me. I feel like I tend to attract pretty crazy people.

Okay.

Or like, people that, like, love the drama stuff. So.

Yeah.

I don't know.

You'll start to recognize it, but then you can't. Like, after a while you'll be like, that's if you see it.

It just recently happened and I did. I saw the red flag and I ran the other way.

You got it right. Good. Yeah. Good.

I felt very proud of myself.

That's good. So probably just keep doing that. Keep it then. What? Even.

They won't even.

They won't even be. They won't even be in your. Right. Right. But then you'll realize you're like. That can't even come into. Right.

Yes.

You can choose here. Number one. Sex, dating or relationship tip. See? Number one. You can pick one.

Sex, dating or relationship tip.

Well, I'll talk a little bit. I'll say something about jealousy is understanding that love is not finite. It's more, you know, like. It's not like a glass of water where if you drink some, it's missing. It's more like a candle and you can light other people's. And love is much more expansive than we think.

Yes, exactly. Ability to love many people. That's a good answer. Okay, thank you so much. Absolutely. Thank you, Bethany, for being here. This was a blast. Find them. Ethanycmeyers and hebecome project on Instagram and @thebecomeproject.

After the break, I'll take your questions. All about loving the skin you're in. So don't go anywhere.

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I think one of the things that's most exciting is we are no longer a delay spray company. Okay. We have transitioned into a sexual wellness brand. So obviously our delay spray is still far and away the best product on the planet. For men who want to last longer, for couples who want better intimacy, longer duration of of intercourse. But our Vitaflux is fucking phenomenal. I mean, both for men and women, it's phenomenal. It's clearly our number two product. I mean, no comparisons. The female arousal gel has been unbelievably strong. It grows every single month. It's insane. The delay wipes we have are the best delay wipe that's out there. They're better than Romans. They're clearly better than the Roman delay swipes. Now, they're not as good as delay spray. So what, what we like to tell people is delay spray on your bedside table or on your vanity in your restroom at home. And delay wipes, when you're going to a club, you don't want to carry a little bottle around with you. So they've been the perfect compliment. It's been a great product for us because some people just want that convenience. The vibrators have been nothing short of phenomenal. I mean, you talk to people at Wildtech, we're one of their largest fricking distributors of vibrators.

Now, now we're talking about great holiday gifts, what to put in our stockings. Talk to me about the arousal gel.

The thing about the arousal gel that is so phenomenal, it's external, it's not systemic. It's not like pills. It's not, you know, anything that you ingest. It is something that you just rub about a pea size. So out of the average container, you get like 80 applications. But you take a pea size and you just rub it right on the clit, right on the vulva. And it just creates this gentle warming sensation. Anytime you have warmth, you're going to increase blood flow. So it helps with arousal. It has the same effect on men. Now, there's enough things out there for men already, so we've kept it as female arousal gel. And a lot of men find out because it'll rub off when they're with a woman and they'll go, you know, it actually helped me with my erection because I felt this warming sensation which increased blood flow. We're like, yeah, it does work, but you got so many other things out there. Don't worry about it.

It.

But women have really taken to the arousal gel. And I had one gal in particular tell me, she goes, guess what I'm wearing right now? And I was on a zoom call. I go, you have on a cream colored blazer. She goes, no. She goes, on my bottom half. I go, and I start laughing. I go, well, I can't see you. She goes, I'm wearing some arousal gel. I'm like, what? She goes, every morning when I go to work, she goes, I just give myself a little dab. And she goes, during the morning, she goes, I just feel that tingling. She goes, I just feel that sensation. And she goes, I feel turned on. She goes, at lunchtime or right after lunch, she goes, I give myself another little hit and she goes, by the end of the day, I come home, I feel like I've had eight hours of foreplay. She goes, if I have a partner, I'm all revved to go. She goes, if not, I bring out my vibrator. She goes, I feel like I've had foreplay for eight hours. We've had women that tell us that they use it even when they're not going to be intimate. It makes them feel more vibrant, it makes them feel more sexy, it makes them feel more alive. It's the difference between guys and gals, okay? I guarantee you if a guy rubbed it on and he started feeling it, he'd go in the bathroom. And if he's by himself, you know, rub one out. A guy gets that feeling, he's like, I want to feel orgasm right now. And I just find it amazing that women have actually told us that they love the idea of even all day prior to being intimate to just help create the mood, to just feel sexy, to just feel turned on, to just feel warmth and passionate all day.

Thank you, Jeff. We love to hear all the ways people are enhancing their lives with promescent. And if you're interested in anything we just discussed, shop@promescent.com for free shipping, 60 day money back guarantee discreet delivery. That's P R O M E S C-N-T.com that was this week's holiday gift guide Spotlight. For more holiday shopping inspiration, be sure to check out my sexiest gift guide ever. Emily's picks for 2022 holidays at sex with emily dot com.

Okay, this first one comes to us from Zach, 25, in Colorado. Hi, Dr. Emily. My question is, ever since my wife had our daughter two years ago, she really doesn't like nipple play. She says it reminds her of breastfeeding. Is there any way I can get her to like the feeling of sucking on them, slash touching them again? That was a big part of our foreplay and I wish I could get her to enjoy it again.

Thanks for any tips.

All right, Zach, thanks for your question. So here's the deal. When women give birth, when we age, move through the decades, our bodies change and so does our hormones, our desires, what we like in the bedroom, the frequency of sex, there's a lot of things that are going to change. So while your wife might not have the same exact feelings about you, you know, with nipple play, I don't think that she's completely. I'm fairly confident she can get back to a place of enjoying sensation. So it's more like she got a new pattern. She like is associating nipple play with, with breastfeeding. So now we got to get her to kind of rediscover the sensitivity of her nipples again. So I would say let her know you can talk to her outside the bedroom and just say, you know what, I love watching you be a mom. I love our sex life, all the things that are great. And then say, and I really miss playing with your nipples. I would love just to slow down. Sometimes if intercourse is a problem, you kind of want to bring back massage. Well, I think with her you could say, I just want to lightly start to massage your breasts. I want to start like massaging the sides of them. It feels really good. Like explore her breasts in a bunch of different areas that are not the nipples. So it's kind of like a tease. Like when you're teasing your thighs and you're playing with your inner thighs and then you tease it, maybe use a light touch and then you go back to the nipples. If you can take it slow and she can start to kind of rediscover all those nerve ending sensations, I think she's going to get that feeling back and she's going to learn to love the nipple feeling again. Now if she doesn't, like, if for whatever reason she can't get there, I'm sure you guys can find some other ways to play in bed. This is from Sarah, 23, New York. Hey, I'm a 23 year old girl with double A cups. I keep seeing posts that boob Size doesn't matter, but I'm having trouble getting that through my head and it definitely affects my confidence in intimate situations. How can I feel confident and sexy in the bedroom with my super flat chest test? All right, Sarah, thanks for this question because you know, I get it. You don't see, you know, culture, society glorifying smaller breasts. We're never told like from a young age, like oh, big boobs and all that stuff. But here's the thing about confidence is just remember it is a. I love that you're asking this at 23 because it is a process and it takes time to learn to accept our bodies and love our bodies. And I can tell you I don't, I don't have a large, I've small, I'm a small breasted woman. For my sexual confidence. What really helped me was understanding like what felt good to me. So when I was with someone intimately, like I felt confident in my ability to move in certain ways that felt good. Like through masturbation I learned about orgasm and I learned about pleasure. And so I feel like that confidence truly is. And I don't want to sound cliche, but that really is like the sexiest thing in the bedroom because somebody was confident and knows their bodies and what feels good and knows how to give themselves pleasure and others pleasure. Like that is sexy. So. Well, I can't get you to say like you should just love your body. There's a certain amount of body acceptance that I like to preach and that's. There's some things, you know, we've talked about like exposure exercises like, like getting naked in your bedroom and looking at your body and touching yourself all over and realizing like how magical your body is and how much pleasure you can give yourself. You know, maybe you can have a nipple orgasm like most. I think that many of us can, but we don't know because we never try it out. And also just know that this whole notion that only like your partners want to be with that everyone is craving large breasts, I can tell you just not true. Now maybe I haven't been with those guys because there just wouldn't be attracted to me. But like I don't spend my time worrying about the people that aren't attracted to me. I spend my time worrying about the people that I'm attracted to and return that. They return that attraction. And we could spend like, I'm not a tall person, I'm petite, I have smaller breasts. You know, it's like I could spend a lot of time on those negatives, but Just like everything in life, when we focus on our. Literally our assets and the things that just make us who we are uniquely, and all the pleasure and erogenous zones and all those things. So I think the first thing realizing, like, it is in your head, maybe you were shamed, right? Maybe someone said, oh, I couldn't be with you. And then I would just say, like, even though that might hurt, that's not your person. And you will find someone who is your person again. It's a progress, not perfection. And keep working on yourself and not making apologies and not saying, I know they're small. And just like learning. Say you don't. I like my body. This is what my body can do. And getting into your pleasure and rejecting the people that aren't for you. People show you who they are. Believe them. Let's talk to Our female caller, 51 in Arizona. Hi, thanks for calling.

Oh, hi, Emily. How are you?

I'm good. How are you?

I'm fine. Good.

Thanks for calling.

I just have a question. Yeah, thank you. I enjoy your show. I was just thinking, I'm 51 and I've been married to my husband for 25 years, and things have changed a little bit physically as far as both of our physical, you know, we both gained a few pounds. Not, not anything crazy, but. And things got a little stale, and I think I'm going through menopause. I'm not sure. And my pubic hair is gray, and I'm so, like, embarrassed by it.

That happens. Yeah. Could you shave it? You could dye it or shave it. Those are your options.

How do you. I, I tried to dye it once, and it was just.

What about just waxing it?

I'm not sure.

Or embrace it, or just say, you know what? My pubic hair is great, but if it doesn't make you feel sexy, go get it wax. Get it, get it waxed, trim it, shave it, or just. Yeah, I mean, that's. That's really. That's. That's really what you do. And have you ever had it all removed before?

No, never.

I mean, you might like it. When I first started doing that, I, like, years ago, I got like, the Brazilian wax. Where do you live? Arizona. Yeah. Go into a medic, go into a spa and get it. It's you. There's different ways you can do it, and it might even be less painful right now. I mean, it is kind of painful at first, but they take all the hair off, and it's really, really smooth and. And it can feel really good. You can. Because there's so many nerve endings on our vulva, the exterior part of our vagina, that there might be more access. And you might realize that he can sort of with oral sex and using some lube, it might feel good. It might be a little change or diet. There's like, I wish there was a magic bullet for it.

Either keep trying to go down there, and I'm like, no, don't. No, no.

Oh, sweetie, I want you to. What about shaving it all off? I mean, carefully. Or getting it waxed?

Yeah.

And you've been together 25 years. He might not even know. He might be like, great.

So, yeah.

But if you've never tried it, if you've never tried taking it all off, I'm all about variety and trying new things. So either you embrace it and you're like, yep. You don't even say anything. This is who I am. Or you try something new and see how that feels, because it grows back.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Yeah.

Give it a whirl.

Okay, let me know how it goes. I'm dying to know now how you think of never having done it. Okay, thanks. Let me know.

I appreciate you taking my call. Thank you.

Of course I'm here for you. I got you. I got you. I mean, really, there's nothing. I wish. I wish there was something you could do when your hair turns gray, but there isn't. It's embrace it, dye it, shave everything. That's what you do. It's true. Even with your whiskement for 25 years, there's still stuff to work on. There's still those issues, you know, I think you're 25 years together, you'd be like, oh, look how cute you have gray hair. Remember, it's all what we want. Like, what makes us feel sexy. If she's not allowing her partner to go down on her and she enjoys that, then I'm saying, okay, either embrace it or take it off and see how that feels. Because no matter what age we're at, I think that there's things that make us really insecure and prevent us from having the sex that we want. And the sooner we can kind of unpack those and realize that what we're worrying about, what we're stressed about, is not gonna upset our partner. Likely, it's most our own judgments about ourselves.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Sex with Emily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TalkSex. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to AK Podcast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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