Live an Orgasmic Life w/ Afrosexology

Okay, let's be real. Confidence is sexy in and out of the bedroom. And when it comes to performance, sometimes a little support makes a big difference. So whether you're craving more stamina, fuller erections, or you're just looking to level up your pleasure game, there's a tool that's been helping people feel more empowered for years. Meet Bathmate, the world's leading hydro powered penis pump. These aren't gimmicks. They're FDA registered, backed by science, and designed to give real, lasting results. At Bathmate Direct, you'll find pumps that naturally support size, strength and blood flow, helping you experience bigger, harder, more energized erections over time. And because they work with water, they're more comfortable, more effective, and way safer than traditional air pumps. With just a few minutes a day, the Bathmate hydro pump can help you increase size and girth, gradually boost confidence in and out of the bedroom, improve stamina and performance, support stronger erections through better blood flow. And the best part, it's all natural, non invasive and totally shower friendly. You can literally work out your sexual wellness while you wash your hair. It's iconic. Right now, Bathmate Direct is giving our listeners 10% off when you use code SW10@bathmate direct.com. that's Bathmate Direct B A T H M A T E D I r e c t dot com. Use code SW10 for 10% off. So head to bathmate direct dot com, use SW10 and level up your confidence.

I live by this practice that I call orgasmic living, where I really try to get as many things in my life as close to the feelings that orgasms give me. And I'm talking like my friendship, the food that I eat, the books that I read, the work that I do. You know, how can I build a life that really allows me to just be my fullest self?

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them. In a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. What if you could walk through life in an orgasmic state, you know, while you're eating a delicious meal or spending time outside? Well, today my guests teach people how to prioritize their sensuality so they can live a more orgasmic life. I'm joined by the creators of Afro Sexology, Delisha Sa and Rafaela Fialo, who join me to discuss the power of this life changing concept. Their mission is to empower, educate and explore black sexuality and self improvement through sexual liberation. We discuss the importance of embodiment centering on pleasure and and being intentional with our choices. We also demystify different aspects of kink and polyamory. Plus we answer your questions about prioritizing your pleasure as much as your partner's and how to feel more connected during sex. Intentions with Emily for each episode, join me in setting an intention. I do it when you do it, it helps you really walk away from this episode having learned something that you can put into action. My intention will was to give you different ways to look at pleasure so you can make it even easier to prioritize it on a daily basis. I have an announcement. I'm very excited because I am doing a live virtual podcast on April 15th at 6 o' clock Pacific Unlooped. You're all invited. I cannot wait. It's going to be a blast. We're all going to be together and I can answer your live questions during the show. So we're going to have the audience. There's a chance to interact. You can also be anonymous. That's cool. You don't have to have your video on. I'll even pull up some of you to ask questions live. There'll be polls. You can help me figure out what to talk about Next. So it's $10 to view the live podcast experience or you can pay a hundred and get a live one on one meet and greet with me. I'll answer your questions. You get a video you can keep. To find more information, go to looped live.com. that's l o o p d live.com and just go to upcoming experiences and scroll down. All right, everybody, enjoy the show.

Welcome to the show. Delisha and Raphaela.

Thank you. Thank you for having us.

Emily, thank you for being here. I'm super honored to have you both here. I know you're really busy, so I want to know all. I mean, I've been going deep into Afro sexology and I'm so impressed by the work that you two have created. And I want to know about your journey to meeting each other and starting the whole Afro sexology community. Delisha.

Yeah, so Rafael and I met at grad school. We were both in a social work program. We had no classes together, but we both knew that we were interested in sexuality. And so post graduation, Rafaela was like, let's do something. Let's think about something. What could we do? Literally all Day, every day we sat down together. Then three weeks later, we birthed Afro Sexology and kind of hit the ground running ever since. And it feels like, honestly, like, sacred work to, like, hold a space where people can talk about these, like, really intimate topics in ways that feel shame free, that feel pleasurable, that feel, like, really encouraging, and love it all the time.

Yeah, I love that you're doing it in person, too, because I think so much of this work is sex talk, right? And that can only get you so far. But a lot of what you do is embodiment, really getting people to drop into their bodies and holding that space. So, Rafaela, maybe you could tell me. I know that your mission is to educate, explore and reclaim black sexuality. So for each of you personally, you could explain about reclaiming your body sexually, what that actually means.

I think the biggest thing is being in tune with our bodies first, right? Because as you mentioned, we can get really, really heady, right? We can learn a lot, we can listen to a lot of things, but doing the work means being in tune with what happens when something comes up in our body. So there's so many messages that we have to filter through that we have to challenge, that we have to reframe, redefine, reclaim all these different things. But first, like, what does it feel like when I go online and I'm looking for sex education, but I don't see my body represented, I don't see my sexuality represented, I don't see my identity represent, like, what comes up when I'm, like, looking for this information, I can't find it. And then how can I use the messages or the feelings that are coming up in my body to kind of direct, maybe finding different sources and different people in different communities that are more affirming and liberating? And so for me, like, the reclaim piece has truly been, like, the essence of our work. Because, again, like, that was the crux in which Delicia and I was like, we have to do this work because these were our experiences with misinformation or education. And how do we really want to be imaginative and really lean into our desires and our needs and our wants when we're talking about our sexualities, our relationships and our sexual self, to envision what that's going to look like, you know? So all of that is body work. You can think it, but you also have to be good at feeling it and being vulnerable to feeling because we push down so many feelings already, you know, so being open to just literally opening up, to just play with the Imagination, say, okay, well, what would it feel like if I could walk into a space wearing whatever the hell that I want to, holding hands, kissing, and then just let that wave fill your body? And then I think that's the first step is just trying to find that peace or comfort in knowing within our bodies.

I love all of that.

I know. Like, let me take a moment here and feel that, because it is so true. Being in your body, being embodied, it seems like it should be the most obvious thing in the world or we should just intuitively do it. But what we intuitively do is we repress, suppress. Okay, so, Delisha, let's say I went to one of your workshops. Right. I want to know, how do I actually get in touch with my body?

Yeah. So one of our favorite practices I like to talk to people about is, like, sensual living. And so tapping into the senses you have access to and really thinking about, what does that mean throughout your day? So what are the textures you want on your body or near you? What are the scents you want to smell throughout the day? What foods do you want to be tasting and having in your mouth? What sights do you want to see? The colors and really thinking about, what does it mean for our body to be engaged and aroused and stimulated all throughout the day? So many people navigate their whole day turned off. They wake up and they're ready to go back to bed. They, like, they're rolling out of bed, and they're just like, I don't want to go to this meeting. They're eating food that they don't really like, but they've been told they're supposed to eat, and they're just, like, cut off. They're not listening. And so how do we start feeding and honoring our body all the time to where we can really feel that connection to, like, oh, my body feels good. Like, there's certain foods when I eat, and I just start dancing. Like, just naturally start dancing, because my tummy is like, this is really good. And there's music that I love that when I'm just, like, listening to, I can't help but smile and to move. There's, like, practices for me. Like, I love lighting candles. I love the scent of jasmine. Like, being intentional about surrounding myself with that so that my. My entire body knows I'm listening to it. And then also thinking about, how do you, on a very basic level, honor your needs? Like, how do you drink, what you need to drink? How do you pee when you need to pee? How do you take a nap when you need to Take a nap. So many of us are, like, in these zoom meetings or even in regular meetings, just, like, holding our pee and not getting up because we don't want to get up, not taking a nap because we have to answer this email. And, like, work and life has just become one, and we're not actually creating boundaries and honoring our own needs. And we expect other people to meet our needs, honor our boundaries, when we don't do that for ourselves. So how do we begin to say, like, my body, my boundaries, my needs. Right now is to close my computer, put away my phone, go watch some cartoons. That's what I'm going to do. And it feels so simple, so simple. But many of us were in elementary school where you had to ask permission to go pee. You know what I mean? So we've trained our bodies to push past our boundaries, to ignore our desires, and we have been conditioned to do that. And so how do you get back to a place of listening, honoring, and really like acknowledging what your body is asking you for?

That's how you do if you are super aware of your environment and of all the senses. Like, I always come and light my candle at the beginning of the day when I remember and I'm not too busy, and I try to have food here that I like. And that's part of what we're saying then in your workshop, for example, of becoming more embodied. Rafaela, your business is all about your movement. I would say it's a movement. Do you guys call yourself a movement? Right. It is about pleasure, centering pleasure, definitely. On black bodies, Black women's sexuality, but also pleasure, which is such a. I love that we talk about pleasure, because can you talk a little bit about just being a pleasure activist and what that means and prioritizing pleasure?

I think what I would start off with saying is that you deserve pleasure as loud as I could, if I could put it everywhere, in every shirt, billboard, TV commercial, whatever the case is. Because so many people, like so many of us, not only think that we should have pleasure, but also we question our worth in terms of if we deserve pleasure or how much work we're supposed to do before we think we've earned it. And so I think a lot of our conversations is just really very loudly and clearly telling people that there's nothing else that you need to do in the way that you exist before you can do something that feels good to you, be in a relationship that is affirming or leave relationships that do not feel good to you.

Right.

And I think based on Just maybe religion, family, cultural, society, like just these different norms and messages. We do learn that we have to put in the work and the hours and the money and all these other resources before we can finally rest. But unfortunately, in this country, there is no resting. So after you do all of that, then you're just like, barely able to walk. You may have to be dependent on someone. And so it's just set up for us to fail. So we never get that. So that way we are really disconnected from our bodies and from our power too. So we talk a lot about pleasure being linked to our feelings of being empowered. And that's just because the more in tune you are with yourself and with your body and your needs, and you can request that from other people, but most importantly, you can meet that need yourself. And that, I think, terrifies a lot of people. And so we sometimes find ourselves trying to discredit the need of pleasure from other people or withhold it because it is powerful. And so in this system that we're used to power being used in a very, very oppressive, intentionally oppressive way, we want people to be disempowered. And I think when we start with the body and we start with pleasure, that's how we begin to inch our way back into that knowing pleasure is power.

And we use it so conditionally. We give it to ourselves so conditionally. Right. Oh, I. Once I do all the work, or I don't deserve it yet I don't.

Deserve it, or we give it away.

Right.

Like, sometimes it's really easy for us to not only give away our power, but really be centered on how we can please other people. So we talk about people being people pleasers. But even specifically, maybe in, like, sexuality and relationships, we're taught, like, there are very specific things that we have to show up in relationship in order to keep that relationship. And so that just looks like whatever they say, whatever they want, I'm supposed to do that. Especially if we're looking in a very gendered, like, cis heteronormative lens. There's very strict roles on how we're supposed to exist. And I think a lot of that boils down to feeling disempowered as well.

Yeah. Are there any tangible ways that you can explain the work you've done, how it's changed your relationship to your own sexuality and how you move through life? Like maybe how you looked before you created Afro Sexology and after Delisha.

Everything. Everything. I think one of the. The simplest ways I can say it is that, like, I. I have Learned by being immersed in a sex positive community that if you want something, ask for it and there is someone who can meet your need. I think I was just so used to thinking that like no one's going to meet your need, everything's going to be a fight. And so you just get used to not asking for what you want. And I know that for me, I mean it has transformed my whole life. I live by this practice that I call orgasmic living where I really try to get as many things in my life as close to the feelings that orgasms give me. And I talk like my friendships. Like I went through this period, I was like, which one of my friends leave me feeling energized and full and affirmed and happy and which ones leave me feeling exhausted and like feeling little and feeling shame. And then like the food that I eat, the books that I read, the work that I do, you know, how can I build a life that really allows me to just be my fullest self, right? And that felt so powerful to know that like I can't assert boundaries and say like this is not how I'm going to allow other people to treat me. But first I had to stop treating myself that way, right? Like my own inner negative self talk, which was very shame based, which was very like belittling and very highly critical, made it possible for other people to treat me that way and for me to not think that that was wrong or abnormal. And so like as I like got more in tune with my body and I got more in tune with like my body doesn't like this, my body does like this. It really impacted how I navigated experiences, how I show up in relationships, how I have just really moved my life towards the things, the people, the practices, the spaces where I can be my fullest self. And I find that I'm no longer moving through spaces where I feel like I have to cut off this part of myself. And I really feel like growing up I learned a lot because of oppression and racism and sexism that I had that parts of myself were not going to be accepted. So it's like, well, you have to tone down your self care and you have to like hide this part of you because it's going to be weird. So there was this dismembering of my body that I was doing just like cut this off, cut this off, cut this off. And sexuality. And all of this work has really been like a remembering, like bringing back myself to where now I'm fully in spaces where I just am like this is Me, this is who I am. This is how I show up. I just am so grateful to be in a community that has been, like, shame free and has been really affirming and supportive. I have learned so much, like, skills, like, skills like the polyamory community, communication skills, how it's like moving through jealousy, moving through feelings, the kink community, negotiation skills, consent skills, how to ask me what you want. So many of this community has been just eye opening on things that I didn't even know you could ask for, that there was another way of going about these concepts and this, like, way of life. So I love being in the sex space. It is amazing. Sex workers have taught me to not fear my erotic energy. It is good. No complaints.

That's amazing. You've been through a lot because I know you grew up in a religious home. Right. And you're also in a polyamorous relationship. So you've kind of overcome a lot.

Yeah.

Let me ask you about that because I talk about it all the time on the show and like, oh, you do? You could be like, oh, I could never be polyamorous. It would be awful if my partner ever sleep with someone else or I'd be so jealous. And that is true. It's not for everybody. But I think that some people can't believe that people could actually be in the relationship where they have the conversion and they actually are happy for their partners or having pleasure.

Yeah, conversion is definitely a term that I am like, I am so grateful that people experience that, and I'm so grateful to know that that emotion and feeling exist. And I'm not fully, like, there, which I think is fine. I think we get this, like, one narrative of, like, if you're going to be polyam, all these things have to happen. I think what I have learned the most is, like, how to break down these ideas that, like, one person has to meet all your needs or that if they can't meet your needs, you have to go without that you can't really communicate and ask for what you want. This idea that you own your partner, they own you. So this sense of ownership and like, learning to not feel threatened. Right. Learning to feel more secure in who I am, what I bring to the table, why I'm in a relationship with someone, why my partner is here, what they bring, you know, and to not feel easily threatened. And that has translated from, like, threatened by other partners, threatened by career moves. Right. I used to be in, like, a relationship when I was younger where my partner was. This is like high school where My partner was like, I don't want you to college out of state because that's too far, right? And to be in a relationship where it's like, no, take this career move if that means you're going to be gone for three months. Like, I want you to grow, right? So to be in a space where someone wants you to fully grow, even if that means that it's not being with them, you know, that to me is really beautiful. It feels really freeing. And just learning that jealousy, like every other emotion, is an emotion that we can learn to work through and to process. And we just. This, this culture, this American culture is just not really good with feelings, like, any feelings. And so we just learned that, like, expressing anger is not appropriate. Crying is not appropriate. Being jealous is not appropriate. Or if you are going to be angry, it's like super wild and erratic. If you are going to be jealous, you're splashing tires. If you are going to be sad, you cannot stop crying. And we don't learn how to healthily move through these emotions. And so I think being in a polyam community has really helped me to think about these emotions from a place of knowledge, to see our bodies as giving us signs that anger means my boundary has been crossed, that sadness is a representation of a place where I've been hurt and that I am tender in certain spots. That jealousy is highlighted for me a lot of sources of insecurities that I was like, oh, like I feel threatened or I feel insecure about this. And to see that as a place for me to, like, learn and grow, to be curious, to just be curious about my body, the emotions, the desires, the sensations, all of that, I think, is a much more healing perspective than just repressing and ignoring and denying and dismissing.

Yeah. Doing the work. Okay. So, Rafaela, how about you? Being in this field, how is it?

I mean, honestly, I just have to give a big cosign to everything that Delisha said because it is such a rewarding space to be in, to be held in and to create with other folks. And I feel, I mean, I'm not in a lot of different communities to be able to speak in terms of, like, I'm a therapist, I'm a sex educator, you know, but in itself, it pulls a lot of people to the field who may already feel. Feel like they don't belong or they can't find their community. So because of that, you get a lot of great exposure. You have really deep conversations with folks from different lifestyles and backgrounds and goals. And so that in itself has just been so affirming to be able to learn from so many people.

When we come back, we're going to get into how to shift your mindset from denying yourself joy to embracing all the pleasure you could possibly want.

Is there anything that you feel that comes up in your work of teaching women that you've seen them transform in this? Maybe there's. Is there like a common, like, okay, she's going through this. Like, here's the moment where this layer's coming off.

Two things stick out for me that's common is one is, wow, I never thought about that, or I never connected that before. And two, wow, it's not just me. Nothing is wrong with me. You know, I found a place that can affirm and also give me more education. Education that is sex positive, that is consent based, you know, that is just really meeting me where I am and leaving me with some tools and other resources. So those are the two things that I think we hear all the time. If it's a workshop, if it's even on a post on social media. Right. So we have people having conversations or just commenting and being very open and vulnerable and transparent about their experiences or what they're struggling with. And so, yeah, those two things stick out to me the most. It's just, wow, I feel so affirmed.

Yeah, that's why this work is amazing. So tell me about finding your erotic voice. How would you define that? What would that experience be like? Alicia?

Yeah, so we take that term from Audrey Lord. Her essay uses of the erotic super, like foundational for me, my life, my work. And so your erotic voice, I mean, a lot of us, I know we have a therapist at the Room Raphael, but a lot of us have like voices going on within us. We have like this critical voice that is often like sounding like parents or teachers or people who have been like, highly critical of us. And our erotic voice is the voice within us that is pointing us towards the things that we desire. It is a voice that is like, yes, I want this, I want more of this. And we've been just taught to quiet and ignore that voice. I think about being a child and being in the store and wanting to run my hand on everything. And you're immediately by your parents. It's like hand is kind of slapped and movement. It's like, don't do that. If you break something, you're gonna. I have to pay for it. And so I think we move through our lives like slapping our erotic voice like, I want a cookie. And they were like, no, we can't have that. That's not healthy for us. I want to ask this person for this kinky thing. No, you can't do that because then they're going to judge you. And we end up doing that to where our erotic voice is really quiet and it's like, you're not listening to me anyway. And so as we begin to start doing those practices like sensual living or just like honoring your body, your erotic voice gets like really loud. And it can counter this, like, highly critical voice that a lot of us have in our head and navigate with. And that is okay to have wants, it's okay to have needs, it's okay to ask for what you want, it's okay to honor it. We usually tell people, like, make a list of things that you like doing, right? And then make a date and a time to do it. And so often we're like, we don't make time for ourselves. We have so much stuff going on, we never have the time. But what I have loved and hated is like my app, my phone being like, you spent four hours today on social media. And I'm just like, oh, so I have the time, I have the time. I'm just not using it for myself. Or you spent this much time on email and so being able to say like, okay, I used to really love bike riding. I'm going to spend some time going bike riding. I used to really love puzzles. I'm going to spend some time doing puzzles. I love masturbating. I'm going to spend some time masturbating and being able to create the time to do things for yourself that you enjoy doing more of. Like, say yes to yourself more. We're in a world full of no's. Say yes. Do the things that you enjoy that bring you pleasure.

Love that. So, Rafaela, how would you say then how do you make time for pleasure in your life? I know about making the calendars and putting post it notes and scheduling it. How have you found to make time? Is there any creative ways that you have or that you teach people to take this seriously? Like commit?

Yes, definitely. Besides being intentional about scheduling it for the day or the future, Something that's been really helpful for me and something that I have recommended for folks is how do you find pleasure in the moment that you're in when it comes to mind? Right. So, you know, say you look up and you're like, oh, it's three. How did it become three? I need some pleasure in that moment. Like, how can you explore your senses in the moment, the ones that. That feel the most accessible but also that give you the most pleasure and then do something with it in the moment. Right. So even if it's finding pleasure and taking a deep breath, if it is being able to just. This is what I find myself doing all the time, is rubbing my neck. So rubbing my neck and my shoulders or if I have a nice snack or something to drink, how in that moment can I just savor that time with myself and with that pleasurable thing without feeling like, oh, well, I said that I wasn't going to do something until Friday at 5, so I have to wait until Friday at 5. In that moment. What can you do to just be intentional with soaking it in, in the way that it exists? And I think if we can do that, that helps with mindfulness and being present in our bodies and our surroundings. But also it's just like, I can do the thing. Like I have the power, I have it within my control to stop and find pleasure right now, wherever I am, as opposed to feeling like it has to come from any specific activity or thing. Right.

Or as a reward because we've done something.

So now I get right, because I said Friday, so it's like the end of the week. And I think that's also important because so often when we. When people are getting into eroticism or learning about the erotic, it is typically centered around sex and sexuality. And they think about like, erotica, pornography, all these other things. So I think making sure that we are expansive in our definition can help it be more inclusive to people who may not have interest in, you know, being sexual in any type of way with themselves or with other people. So making sure it doesn't feel like something that's not attainable because I don't identify as having sexual attraction or being sexually aroused or whatever the case is. Like, you still have the right to be erotic in whatever way you desire.

Yeah, you can still have pleasure even if you don't want sex. So it's so narrowly defined to think it's just about sex. And who knows, maybe the more you bring that into your life, you might find yourself feeling more in your body and then desiring sex. Not a guarantee, but what is a guarantee? We could all sort of find some senses, I think, that that make us feel good. How would you feel about helping me answer some questions from my listeners? I love having other sex educators on the show. This is from Rose 27 in the USA. My first sexual encounter happened at a very young age because I didn't get anything out of the experience other than the notion that I made someone happy. I've carried that with me into my adult sex life. I get it in my head that I'm only there for the pleasure of my partner, Feel shame and guilt that I can't always give them my sexual satisfaction. I don't know how to stop the intrusive thought thoughts during intimacy.

Masturbate.

Masturbate, right. That's what the answer is.

So sex is our favorite to talk about because so many of us, especially those of us who are socialized as women, have been taught that, like, our whole idea around sex and pleasure is for the other person, it's for the partner. And so we spend so much time, like, even when people are getting ready for like a day getting ready for sex, they'll spend so much time, like, getting ready for someone else. They'll do all the things, get in the mood, sexy lingerie, all this stuff for someone else. And then when it comes to making love to themselves or sex to themselves or fucking themselves, they're like, okay, whatever, quick thing, or they don't want to do it. And we find, I mean, masturbation is the thing we talk about the most. And it is the thing that people have so much shame about, so much shame about that they do not do that. They feel like it is a lesser form of sex. They feel like it means that they are desperate, they feel like they're sinning. They feel all of these things. And so learning how to really be in a sexual relationship with yourself, which is your most important sexual relationship, is the one with yourself. So learning to be in that, learning how to like, what your body needs, what your desires are, how do you tune into your body? And this is like the senses. Again, we love the senses. But, like, as you're masturbating, like, what do you smell? What do you feel? What sensations are happening in your body? Your body is allowing you to experience so much pleasure. And we get caught up in our head thinking about the experience rather than feeling the experience. Without the goal of orgasm, without the goal of only touching your genitals, pleasure map your whole body. What feels good? Play with the feather around your ear really helps you to learn how to connect to your body. Learn what your body wants and learn how to, like, if you do want to move that into partner sex, how to communicate that to somebody else so that they are also pleasing you and intentional about your pleasure. And stop having sex with people who don't care about your body and your pleasure. I like it. Feels like really hard. It's a similar thing is like, well, if I don't ask somebody to meet my needs, they don't have to be disappointed when I recognize that they cannot meet it. Right? A lot of time we'll settle for sex with somebody who doesn't care about our pleasure, doesn't care about our body, because we don't want to deal with the repercussions of having to separate from people who don't and then being able to have conversations. People don't talk about sex. They just don't talk. They just like, assume everyone, everyone likes the same thing. We all know what we're doing. And so we'll just like, sit there, fake orgasms, be quiet, be in our head planning our dinner list while we're having sex. Instead of learning to be like, I don't like this. Like, I like you. Can you do this? I like when you touch me. Like, when I like when you touch me like this. Can you do more of that? Can you stay here a bit longer? I need it to be a bit softer. I'm not fully ready to be penetrated because I'm not aroused. I would like more tongue here. Can you play with my nipples? Like, learning to communicate before sex, during sex, after sex. And the only way you're going to be able to communicate about that is if you take the time to learn your body for yourself.

Yes, yes.

Only thing I just want to restate, and Delisha talked about it earlier, Getting familiar, being consistent, and in the habit of just listening to your body all the time.

Right?

So, you know, just not only focusing around sexual experiences, but just all the time, like, what feels good to you? Like, where do you want to be? How do you want to take up space, what do you want to eat? What do you want to wear? And just following through with that, building that self trust through self awareness and follow through. And then that in turn translates to doing that through masturbation, which in turn translates to doing that with the partner. And so, like, it's level to the shit, you know? Do that for yourself as well. And not just prioritize it when another person is involved.

It's funny because when you start practicing setting these boundaries and paying attention, like, do I really want to eat this for dinner? Do I not? Is this where I want to go on vacation? I want to go to this store or that star, watch this movie or that movie that's going to happen for me? Because then you'll realize they might even actually be speaking up for themselves in every other Area. But with sex, they're, like, mute. So I think also just having that awareness. And if you're not, practice every other area of your life getting what you want, but especially in the bedroom. I think this is a good journey here for rose. Thank you. After the break, we're answering a question from Tori, who's been feeling disconnected after sex. I'll be right back.

Okay, let's do another question. This is from Tori, 24, in California. Hey, I love your pod. I'll get straight to it. I've been having sex since I was 20. I'm 24 now. I've slept around a lot. Not shameful of that at all. But I've left feeling really disconnected after sex. Not immediately after, Usually the next day. I recently said with the new guy I'm talking to, sex was amazing. I But the next day I felt low. I've had past trauma from being sexually assaulted. I'm wondering if sex is triggering a fight or flight. I'm left feeling resentful towards the person I was with, and he did nothing wrong. I just feel detached. Do you have any advice on how to get over this hump?

Thank you.

So disassociated, disconnected, some trauma. I know you both have talked a lot about this work. So what do we tell Tori here?

So this is coming for folks to have this experience for a variety of reasons. So some of it is linked to trauma. Some of it is linked to having sexual experiences that we may not have the full vocabulary for in the moment. And then parts like that body starts to respond, even though the mind is still trying to put everything together. And so I think when we are talking about trauma, so first thing we have to. First thing we have to say is that the body keeps up, right? It keeps up with us. It remembers a lot of things. Even if we say or we have done the work in our mind, like cognitively say that, you know, I know that wasn't my fault. There is no shame in this. You know, this person is all on them. They're the responsible person. And I've done that work. The body still. And I love that they mentioned the stress response. So fight, flight, freeze, fawn, fall, all these other things. When we have certain experiences, our body can still say, well, now you're supposed to do this, right? Because this is what the process was way back when when this really terrible thing happened to you. Right? So even though we are consensually having these experiences, our body may still be reacting after the fact because that is just the pattern that is Just the way that the brain has connected the act and the messages and the smells and the sounds like all the things that may be around in that time. So, I mean, honestly, I think with this one, it can get pretty deep and heavy. And so I don't want to just say, you know, dig into your body and listen to, you know, pay attention to your yeses and your nos, which is important. I think it would be really wise to get some additional support to help with understanding those parts. Right. So when we look at ourselves as different parts that live within us, that's protecting us, that's trying to heal us, that's trying to shield us. You know, it takes a lot of intentional work and sometimes with a trained therapist to help kind of divvy out a little bit and say, you're trying to protect me from something. And I understand that because that's what you were really good for those years ago. But right now, I want a different part to show up. I want the part that's still feeling enthusiastic and really, it was amazing. And I don't want to ghost this person because I really like them. They didn't. Nothing has happened that makes me want to shield myself from this person. How can I put some space to say, okay, protect a part. Step back. And now the pleasure part, the fun part, the kid part. You can come up and hold some space for me right now. I would recommend that for you, Tori. I hope that was helpful, because sometimes I'm like, people are like, just see a therapist.

Okay, I know, you're right. I always say that too. I'm like, but no, really. But I say it all the time. But you actually need to see a therapist. But this is something else I wanted to ask you guys, because the work you're doing is the bodywork, and people are with you, and they're becoming embodied, and they're, they're. They're probably. Well, I was wondering what you do for people who are in your. Your workshops and they have a trauma response. How would you help someone who is being triggered?

The first thing that's really important to us is just setting this space and, like, making sure people are really aware of what they're going to be entering and walking into. And so it's different now because it's online, and some of our workshops now are webinar style, so we don't even get to really see people. But we do make sure that we are engaging in a very consensual and transparent conversation through our emails before the webinar starts making sure. That people give themselves permission and know that, you know, maybe useful to have, you know, water with you, a blanket with you, like whatever it is that helps you feel held in the space and helps you feel grounded can be really helpful. We also start the workshop with checking in and guiding folks through maybe like a body based activity, usually deep breathing. And then when we end, we may have like a visualization or a breathing activity or just another way to ground when we're talking about where we want to go after this workshop. And so those are the most defined things that we do, especially with webinars. Now in person, we hold space after the workshop for people to come up to us with any questions or concerns or whatever the case is. And even sometimes in the moment we may recognize like, hey, you know what, we've been sitting for a while or we've been talking about a really heavy topic. So we're going to take a break now to do something to feel grounded in our body. So just trying to recognize just the different ways that all those things may show up. How we're continuously giving folks permission to take care of themselves because again, we're taught to just sit through it and then you handle it later.

Another question I have you about trauma because I'm always recommending, and I've done it myself, is EMDR therapy, eye movement desensitization, reprocessing, what kind of trauma therapy do you recommend or do you practice?

So EMDR as well?

Oh, okay, yes.

You know, you kind of try to find your footing, right? So I've dibbled, dabbled into different things to learn about like ifs internal family systems. I'm. I really love EMDR because it's body based. And honestly, when I learned about it, I was like, oh, I've been doing this just without the bilateral simulation. So I'm just really big into feeling grounded and exploring like what is coming up. And that's just from my own work. So I'm also a survivor of different traumas as well. And I realized going through the process, like, oh, people are like, what does that feel like? I'm like, oh, I think this. They're like, no, that's a thought.

Boom.

Okay, ask you what does it feel like? And I used to just completely avoid that and just completely bypass feelings and being in my body. So that work has been really instrumental in me getting more clear. And it's a work in progress every day. So I want people to know that there is no, like, one day you're going to get to the top of the hill. And you're going to be like, oh, my shoulders are not in my ears. My chest is not tight. You may be at the top of that hill. Like, oh, wait, I still need to breathe. I still need to check in with my nervous system and my body.

And I realized that I just got away from your question. So polyvagal theory.

No, it's true, though. No, but everything you're saying, it's all. It all flows because, well, there's so many things there. Because I was thinking about also, people probably have these expectations or they say to me, like, oh, every time you have sex, it must be amazing. And you must be. I'm like, no, sometimes I just want to, like, hang out. Or like, I always say, like, if I'm making it, you know, if I went to a chef's house, like, sometimes they might just want to microwave me at dinner. Like, that would be okay. And I just think being on this path, too, is as sex educators, and we realize it's a path, right? It's not. It's not a perfect. It's not like this direct route to where all of a sudden you're healthy and well and you've released all your trauma. It's just about changing your relationship. Right, Talisha?

And especially when we live in a society that's constantly traumatizing us. So when we're talking about healing from trauma, like, I've even started to interrogate, like, what does it mean to be like, why am I using this word? Healing healed, right, when something can happen tomorrow, or something just happened today on the news in my community that is absolutely triggering me. Right? Or has harmed me. And so I think not in a way where it's just like, oh, well, then it's a lost call. Like, no, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that we just have to be really intentional about our pleasure practices. The way that we take up space, our community and the people we allow around us or even the media that we take in. Because our system is created that way to harm a lot of folks and to marginalize people. Right? To push people to and beyond other side of the margin. And so sometimes I do get that question as a trauma therapist. It's like, well, what do you, you know, how do you. How do something just finally get done with trauma? Just like, when we stop living in an oppressive society?

Like, but until then, till then, the.

One thing that, like, really rocked my world was thinking about and understanding trauma from a disability justice perspective. So there's this book called careworks, and there is an essay in there that is amazing that it's, like, challenging the idea of survivorship performance. And so somebody who is disabled would say that often people want your disability to, like, be fixed, and they don't see that, like, your disability is a part of you. Just like I being black, it's a part of me. And being a woman is a part of me. And I don't want that to go away. Like, no, this is a part of me. Like, this is. This is a part of me. And this binary of, like, healed or traumatized actually leads to people feeling really. Just like, it's really damaging because people feel like, man, it's been 20 years. Why am I, my body, still being triggered? Why am I not yet performing, being healed fully when I'm seeing these gurus who are like, this thing happened to me, and no more am I being triggered. I'm no more experiencing trauma. And how that can lead to a lot of survivors actually feeling like they are failing at healing, right? That there is this goal instead of being like, no, this is a part of me. So triggering hasn't often happened in Afro sexology spaces, But I am a professor, and that happens often in my classes. And so one thing that I work with my students on, and I'm super grateful that the trauma world started talking about this is glimmers. And so you have triggers. We have glimmers. So triggers are the things that make you feel unsafe. That's taking your body, which I've had to my students overuse the word trigger. And I'm just like, you're not triggered. You're uncomfortable. Like, we need to distinguish those things. And so I'm like, being uncomfortable is not dangerous. Being triggered is. It is your body being put back in a space where you are. Where your body feels unsafe, right? And so in those moments, glimmers are things that you can have near you that can help make you feel safe again. So for me, it is my bottle of jasmine. I have my jasmine on my desk. I can smell it. And it brings my body back to a place of, like, the present moment. Because oftentimes trigger, being triggered takes you to the past, right? And so it's like time traveling. Triggering takes to the past. Anxiety takes you to the future. So, like, how do you bring yourself back to the present moment? What makes you feel safe? Is it a blanket? Like, Raphael was saying those things? And so I think thinking and being equipped with your glimmers, and how can you carry that with you? Like, when we were moving around. I would have a cotton ball with like peppermint, a cotton ball with jasmine that I can like smell throughout the day. Because sense, like the sense of smell really helps me to feel calm.

Thank you both so much. This is really helpful. I love having you here. And there's so much trauma questions coming in, even more so than usual. I just think, I mean, in a way, people are becoming more. They are overusing the word trigger, but people at least know what it is now and they're thinking about it. You got. Thank you. I want to ask you both the five quickie questions we ask all of our guests. Ready?

Okay.

First, we'll start with Rafaela. What is your biggest turn on?

I have a problem with giving one answer, so I just don't want to. So I will say sound. So really just. I'm always listening to music all day long and right now it's me. Like me touching myself is my biggest turn on. So add a little music and some self touch. It can be like my neck. It doesn't even have to be overtly sexual or solo sex or masturbation, Anything but just self touch just really makes me feel really good in my body.

Yeah, I am a dreamer. This is an identity that I am claiming and loving. And so my fantasies are amazing. And so I am like, I am able to fantasize whatever I want. And that's my best turn on is just being like, I'm going to have some dream sex right now.

Love it. Okay, biggest turn off. We'll start with Delisha on this one.

Oppression.

But people are like sexist, homophobic, able. I'm just like, uh, it like shuts down my body.

Rafaela.

I was gonna say the same thing. Oppression is my turn off.

Okay.

What makes good sex. Rafaela, start first on this one.

For me, it's like being able to communicate, really. And to be able to be able to take up space and have a conversation about it. If it was good, if it was bad, if it was fun, if it was boring, if it was you fell off the bed, you could laugh about it. So I would say for me, like, that is the top thing. It just makes it the best is being able to know I can safely and vulnerably talk to this person.

Delisha, what makes good sex?

I like playfulness. I like people who are playful who don't take themselves too seriously or don't take sex too seriously and can they just open to playing.

Delisha, something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

Masturbate.

I'm sexy. I love meeting other people. That's literally their answer to everything. Okay, Rafaela.

Oh, gosh.

I want to say masturbate too, but talk to people. People want to have these conversations. So just talk to somebody. Go out there and find it. Instead of what I was doing was all on SGS and Google and all this other stuff. Just find out what people want to know. What are they experiencing and feel safe to do so.

So, okay, fifth question, Rafaela. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

That you are fine. That nothing is wrong with you.

That you're not broken.

And you will figure things out along the way and it could change. And that's the fun part. As you start to figure it out again.

I love it.

Felicia.

You have access to pleasure and power within you. You don't have to earn it. You don't have to look for it from somebody else, some external source to validate you. It's in you. You got it. Just turn within.

I love it. Thank you both. You really have demonstrated that today in your answers that you're really living the work that you're helping so many people with. So thank you for being here. I appreciate your time and tell us where people can find you and your upcoming workshops.

We are Afro Sexology everywhere. Just start to type in Afro Sexology and it will come up afrosexology.com and right now we are going into our next set of webinars which is all about just certain sexy skills that you can have. And so just keep up with us on our newsletter, on our Instagram, all our social media to find out what's going to be happening in May and June. We always have like merch. As you can see, Delisha has on our less depression, more orgasms top. And we have a workbook that's all about masturbation. It's all about solo sex. So if anything resonated with you or.

You'Re like, I want to know more.

About that or wow, Never even thought of masturbation as solo sex. Check it out.

Cool. Thank you. Yeah, I love your site. Everyone should follow them on social media. Check out their, their course and your website and you're doing such incredible work and I so appreciate your time today. Thank you so much.

Thank you, Emily. This was fun.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this episode, they will too. Find me at the Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. It's all sexwithemily. If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships, email me feedbackexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com askemily and check out my website. We have so many great articles diving deep into topics like how do I have multiple orgasms? How do I last longer in bed? How do I stop thinking about my ex? What sex toy should I try? And so much more. Sign up for Weekly Emails I've been told I give really good emails. I do. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwith emily.com there's one overlooked mineral behind better sleep, sharper focus, stronger muscles and a healthier heart. And at least half of us aren't getting enough. Most people don't realize they're running low on one of the most vital minerals for human health. Magnesium. And here's the thing. No single form of magnesium can deliver all of its benefits. That's exactly why Qualia Magnesium plus was created with 10 highly bioavailable forms of magnesium plus over 70 essential minerals. It provides total magnesium support, helping you sleep better, think clearer, move stronger and feel your best every day. And honestly, when you're less stressed and more energized, your intimacy and desire naturally benefit too. Sure, magnesium can help you sleep, but Qualia Magnesium plus goes beyond that. It's a whole body nourishment for how you think, move, connect and feel. More than just a sleep supplement, it's a foundation for daily well being which absolutely supports a healthier sex life. Getting enough magnesium from food alone is harder than ever due to depleted soils and chronic stress and our body's reduced ability to absorb it as we age well. Qualia's Magnesium plus formula is non gmo, vegan, gluten free and designed to over all the ingredients work together for comprehensive magnesium support. And personally, I've been taking Qualia Magnesium plus in the evenings and I really notice calmer nights and clear mornings and just feeling more grounded in my body, which always makes intimacy feel more accessible and enjoyable. It's become such an easy part of my nightly routine. Experience the most trusted magnesium for your purity, potency and performance. Go to qualialife.com sex with Emily for 50% off. And here's a bonus, use the code Sex with Emily for an additional 15 off your order. That's Q U A l I a life.com sex with emily thanks for Qualia for sponsoring this episode.