Live From SHE: Kink, Play, Love

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Cent.com. Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cuz, uh, my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's got to have her standards.

Oh my, do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry?

It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex Thank you so much.

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, it feels so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

Thank you so much. Hi everyone, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Sexual Health Expo, and thank you to the Sexual Health Expo, the amazing staff for putting this together, and thank you to the sponsors of the event. We-Vibe and Pleasure Chest. We-Vibe makes great toys, and Pleasure Chest is in charge of all of these seminars. You guys having a good time? Yeah? Good expo weekend? Anyone learn anything new? Just tell me what you've learned, one thing. Oh, come on, it's sex, okay, you don't have to tell me. We'll talk after, that's cool. Okay, so, live podcast. My name's Emily, as you know. Sex with Emily is my podcast, and I'm excited because I love being part of the expo. I don't think— is this good? Weird? I don't think there's not a lot of places like this where people can go and learn about how to have great sex and relationships. I appreciate everyone listening to the podcast, but really now you get to come and have hands-on experience, and I hope you guys are having a good time. Usually I have co-hosts with me, Menace or Anderson, but today I thought, God, who would be amazing to be here? And I thought Reid Mihalko. Do you guys know Reid? Where's Reid? Reid's awesome. He's joining me today. Reid! Come on, Reid. So Reid is America's favorite sex geek. Reid! Look at you. That felt really good down there, whatever you were doing.

Hello, everyone.

You guys, Reid's awesome. Do you guys know Reid Mahako? I met Reid— you got a big applause.

That's good.

So I did a reality show a few years ago called "Miss Advised" on Bravo, and they were like, "Oh, you know, we're gonna have this guy on your show," 'cause they were looking for someone, and he came on my show, and the next thing I knew, I was making out with him on national television. We were teaching a kissing workshop, and so he is actually a good kisser, and he practices what he preaches.

See, remember all that. There's proof now.

Good kisser. 'Cause he's probably gonna try to kiss a lot of you if he corners you, so just know.

I will not corner you.

Don't make me sound creepy. No, no, it's consensual. I consented, so just be consensual. How was your time at the workshop?

It was great. How many people are meeting me for the first time?

Meeting you?

Hi!

Tell them about him. Hi. So I go by many names. One of them is I'm kind of like the golden retriever on espresso of sex education. Everybody do air quotes. Now do dirty air quotes. Now do creepy. So when people ask like, how is Reid? Be like creepy. Everyone will know who's creepy.

Yeah, I have to say that on one of the episodes, you are— everyone's like, that guy's kind of creepy. I'm like, no, no, that's how they edited it. He's really not that creepy. But you're self-proclaimed creepy, so now I'm like, yeah, I guess. No, no, it's fun.

We're having fun.

You know what? No labels. That's what this is about. It's all about finding what works for for you. And that's what we're going to be doing today because we are interviewing a few people who have some great workshops here. We're going to read Date Your Species. We're also going to be talking about the love languages. We have Jenny here, she taught a love language workshop. We've got Molina, we've got Molina's workshop, amazing, uh, Knowing Your Kink. She's going to be coming on. And then also Dirty Lola, how you negotiate alternative lifestyles. So we've got— and the love language as well with Jenny. So this me a good show. How is your workshop, Date Your Species?

How is it? I don't know, ask them later.

It didn't happen yet?

No, it's happening later.

Oh, good. This is like a precursor.

This is like foreplay.

After your podcast is now— then I give my talk.

Okay, so what can they expect?

I will be funny. You do not have to laugh. Mostly, I'm going to geek out with you all about why relationships seem so challenging these days and things you can do to create more ease and more fun in your relationships and and I'll teach you what I mean by dating your species.

Okay, yeah.

Do you want me to tell them now? You just want a spoiler?

No, no spoiler. You guys just have to go to his workshop.

Do you guys want a spoiler? How many people want spoilers? How many people are like, no spoilers?

Just do it. We don't have a lot of time.

We're moving.

We only have an hour. I could be here for 6 hours talking to every single one of you, which I would love.

The big thing is, it's people are getting— people fall in love with great people who are horrible fits for them.

Sound familiar?

And when you do that, it's problematic when all the love, the brain cocaine, wears off and you're like, oh, why are we living together?

We have nothing in common, zero, except for that great sex we had the first 3 months we were together.

And I'll talk all about like the history of that and then how to deconstruct it and then what you can do to figure out if somebody's your species and what species you are. That's it. That's the spoiler.

I love it. That's so good. What have you seen here today? What have you— tell me, like, the exhibitors. Thank you to all the amazing exhibitors, by the way. Have you guys— what have you seen? Anything new here that you love?

Well, has anyone checked out the Sibylline booth yet?

Oh, well, Sibylline is my—

That is a timeless classic.

Y'all know if you listen to the show that it's my— it's amazing.

Timeless classic. We-Vibe. If you haven't checked out We-Vibe. And then I just want to say—

Sibylline's my mascot.

Professional tools, professional tools create professional results. So everyone say that with me, professional tools create professional results. Thank you, thank you, sir.

You really, yeah, you want to make sure that you're buying really good, well-made products, well-made, yeah, well-made products that are good for you. And that's why the toys here and the products here are the ones that you want to get on board with. And I know Pleasure Chest has a great booth with, what's your favorite toy right now?

You.

Baby, that's so sweet.

You and that microphone.

What?

You and that microphone.

You like the way I grip the microphone? How's my grip? Did you guys take— anyone take the blowjob workshop? Oral sex workshop? No? You don't need it. You guys all know what you're doing. So yeah, I—

what?

What?

Talk to them. Okay, I wanna— what is that?

Talk to them.

What's your number one blowjob tip? I always ask everyone that question just to warm it up, 'cause who doesn't want a fucking blowjob tip?

Number one blowjob tip. Um, when you have an erect penis— well, first off, there's at least 69 things you can do with a flaccid cock. So don't disregard the unhard penis. It is an untapped resource. Just put it in your mouth, let it soak a while.

Just—

just— and then it won't be hard anymore.

You're saying it doesn't have to be hard? There's a lot of fun you can create. Um, figure out how to work balls, because that's what we get scared about. And never ever go up to a penis No.

Ha! Too scary?

We don't like that.

No, we don't like that at all.

No sudden movements and loud noises around the nuts.

It's true. Use everything. Use all your faculties. Your hands, your mouth, your feet if you want.

But the thing I like is a firm grip. Okay, a firm grip on the base, especially when it's hard, because you can squeeze really tight. Believe me, we've been squeezing it really tight for our whole lives. And do like a— what I call like a slow stir. Like you're— this is a weird-looking cock, isn't it?

There's so many phallic things going on, but it's hard to get it just right. But there's so many phallic things going on.

Okay, imagine that's a penis, and that's— okay, so robot penis. You're gonna grab the whole base, and you're gonna do this slow kind of stir. It's not a Cabbage Patch. It won't move that much. If it moves that much, you just hurt somebody. But you're kind of slow stirring it because the erection goes goes into the pelvis, and that kind of firm pressure and slow stir for some penis owners, very nice.

That's right.

Very nice.

That's good, Reid.

Yeah, thanks.

You know your way around a penis or two.

I have clocks and time on top.

Reid is like, we're all like the sex educators here, and everyone, I missed the dinner last night. I was very sad because I was sick.

Are you feeling better?

I have like a, can you tell? But people think, the raspy voice, but I wanted to, but you also have fun play parties that I've never been able to attend.

Play parties. I can neither confirm nor deny.

I'm sorry that I've missed them. I was sick last night, but you're always a good time. Thank you for joining me. I appreciate it. Thank you for having me. Awesome. Yeah, you're the best. Do you want to go back under the table and come back out later? You can do what you want. We have to bring up Jenny Steinberg.

Okay.

But it's not because you're not awesome. Stay for his workshop after, Date Your Species.

Thank you, everyone.

How many— yeah, thank you.

Everyone say, thank you, Emily. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, Jen Steinberg.

Just see, I'm sick. I did not get out of dinner fake sick. It was real sick. Not sick sick. We can all hug after. Group hug. Just a little dry throat.

Hi, Jenny.

Hi.

I feel like I was just introduced by Batman.

Yes, there's a lot of things you can call him. That's true. Batman's a good one. That's actually— Jenny Steinberg. Okay, you taught your workshop yesterday?

Yesterday, yes.

Jenny is a licensed marriage and family therapist, professional clinical counselor, spoken on a wide variety of topics related to mental health and minority issues. And what I love was you spoke about The Five Love Languages, a book by Gary Chapman.

Yes.

And do you guys all know about the love languages? It's one of my, it's a great tool for couples, and I just wanna talk, so I was like, oh my God, we've got to get Jenny on. First of all, let's explain the love languages. If people aren't quite sure, they're like, what, I'm not sure about it. Sure.

Tell them about it.

So I describe myself as a strength-based therapist, and what that means is that when somebody's sitting in front of me and they're in pain, I don't want to talk about what's going on— I do want to talk about what's going on that's negative, but I also want to talk about the things that are positive. And a lot of the times, the thing that's positive when somebody's in front of me saying they feel disconnected from their partner is that they are trying really hard to express their love. They're telling me they love their partner, and they're trying to express that, and it's falling on deaf ears.

Right. So typically they're doing things like, but I always tell her that I love her and I bring her gifts all the time, you know, for example. So she's like, that's, you know, I really want a back rub when you come home. And just because you're doing all these things for me, that's not how I— people experience love in different ways, and there's 5 different ways. Sure.

So those ways are words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service, and— oh God, listing things is hard.

Um, um, quality time.

Quality time.

Thank you. I'm obsessed with this book. Do you guys know about this book at all? Is this Okay, good. I love that. But if not, you should check it out because, so there's 5 languages and we all primarily, that's how we all experience love. It could be we learned it in our childhood or that's, you know, and typically there's 2 that typically appeal to people, you think? The 2 love languages that define us. How do you break that down?

I think that some people have 1 love language. Some people are sort of love language bilingual, right?

Right. If you will.

But what I hear a lot of the time is stories about, for example, Somebody will say, you know, I got home from work and I looked around our home and everything was a mess, and I thought, you know, I love my partner so much and they've been working so hard, I want to show them how much I care about them, so I'm gonna go ahead and I'm gonna clean the apartment from top to bottom.

Right.

And the partner gets home and they look around and they go, oh, thanks honey, I really appreciate it. They go upstairs, they change out of their work clothes, and they leave their work clothes in a pile on the floor. And then that night, to show their appreciation, they give the gives the first partner a back rub, let's say, right?

Because they—

right, to say, you know, to show their appreciation. The first partner's so pissed off about the lack of gratitude for all the time spent cleaning the house that they can't even really enjoy the back rub. So what that is is a disconnect. The first person was saying, I love you, and so I'm going to do this thing, this act of service, clean the apartment. And then the second partner is saying, well, I'm going to give you a back rub, because their love language is perhaps physical touch, right?

Because that's what they would have wanted, right?

But then ultimately neither one of them feels love because they're not reciprocating.

Right. And so you— right, okay, so how do people go about identifying? Because it's— everyone's gonna have your love language. Like, it's pretty interesting how the 5 really do encapsulate most ways that people experience love. So how do people go about identifying their own first?

There are a few—

and their partners?

Yeah, that's a great question. There are a few ways that people can identify their love language. The first is kind of counterintuitive. If you think about the things that you get angriest about in your relationship, that's probably why you're feeling a lack.

So give me an example.

So if you get angry when your partner works long hours, your love language is probably quality time. If you get angriest when your partner like leaves messes around the house, your love language might be acts of service. If you get angriest when your partner's not verbally communicating with you, it's probably words of affirmation.

Right, and that's what—

okay, right. So then the other way is to think about the times that you have felt most loved. This is the second of third ways, or the second of three ways. 3 ways. And that is just to think about when you feel most loved. What are the things, if you think back on the course of your relationship, what are the things that have made you feel the most loved?

Right, okay.

And then the third way is to pay attention to how you show your love for your partner, because you're probably communicating in your own language. So even if it's not what your partner's picking up on, that's probably how you would like to be shown love.

Right.

So let's give examples. Okay, I know my love language is physical. Physical touch, like I can't, like with this guy I'm dating, boyfriend I guess. Yeah, boyfriend. I'm like the touchy, I'm always like touching him, whatever, that's just how I do it, and words of affirmation. I'm like, just tell me I'm hot or cute or smart, like once a day, that's fine. That's just how my family did it, that's how I experienced it. But for him, it's more like, we haven't quite figured this out. I think his is more, his is words of affirmation and, Gifts. So I'm not a gift person. Like, someone could be bringing me gifts that I'm dating, and I'm like, oh, thanks, that's sweet, you know, but just like touch me. Like, I just want to— just give me a massage. And they could bring me gifts all day long, and I'm like, but you haven't, you know, said anything nice to me today. And so for him, it's like I could keep saying, you're, you know, same thing, I keep touching him. He's not as touchy-feely. So typically you don't have the same— maybe you might, but a lot of times you have a different love language with your partner. So you have to learn how to speak their love language. Yeah, because otherwise I feel like if he doesn't touch— I'm like, Can you touch me for 5 minutes? You know what I mean? That's like a negotiation. It's a negotiation because you might never feel loved, right, if you are not getting that.

And people wonder if that— first of all, did that guy just find out he's your boyfriend just now?

No, I just don't like that. I don't like the label. No, he's my boyfriend. He is.

I love him. I think a lot of people might feel that, like, if you said giving gifts isn't really your thing, that might feel inauthentic. It might feel like, oh God, I'm forcing this. But I really like the idea of the Platinum Rule. Have you heard of this?

No, tell me everything.

So there's the Golden Rule, which we all know about, which is do unto others as you would like done unto you. So like, if you want somebody to do a nice thing for you, do that thing for that other person. The Platinum Rule levels that up, and it basically is do things for other people that they would like done for them.

Exactly.

And if your goal is to show your love for a person, that's the way to do it, is to do it in the ways that they would most receive it.

So how does this really— how have you seen this in your practice help couples? Can you like tell us, talk about a time where you like, there was a disconnect and then they were just like, okay, I guess I gotta learn to buy gifts, but it's worked, or however it's played out? Sure.

I mean, so I work with some couples, I work mostly with individuals, and I am— so here's an example. I had a client talk about how she was trying to talk about a subject, uh, that was causing her some stress, and she was talking, pursuing and pursuing and pursuing her husband to try to get him to talk about this. And he kind of shied away, which is a whole other topic of conversation. But when he finally came back to her, instead of talking to her, he put his hand on her shoulder and started rubbing her back. And she was like, that's not enough. That's not what I was looking for. I was looking for a conversation. So maybe his love language was physical affection and hers was words of affirmation, and there was just that disconnect there, right? So we kind of talk about that, we look at that, and we talk about You know, what is this person's intention? Are they trying to be a jerk and be dismissive and avoid the conversation? Or are they trying to show that they love you?

Exactly, because typically not. If you think about it, your partner does love you to the best of their ability, right? I mean, they love you. And sometimes we often don't feel loved, so you can target— and there's a great, like, test you can take online.

Yeah, there's actually— I made a quiz on my blog.

Oh, okay. What's your website?

So my website is JennySteinberg.com. That's Jenny with an IE, Steinberg with an EI.

It's also on— all this will be on the Sex with Emily website.

That's easier, so I don't have to spell it.

Do that as well, and they could take the test. It like takes 2 seconds.

Yeah, it's like a 10-question test like you'd find in Cosmo, just like, uh, which of these 5 answers matches. But more useful, maybe. I hope so.

Yeah, no, I think it really is, because once I learned this, for example, with my partner, it was gifts. I was like, that's so weird for me. But then I'm like, oh, not that I wouldn't buy I'm a generous person, but then I'm like, okay, I'm going to his house. I should, but not every day, but I'm like, okay, well, he would really appreciate if I picked this up for him, or this is a shirt that he wanted, or, you know, and he's like, his face lights up, you know, and then I say, where's my foot massage? And, you know, we're good. But I've learned, because I was like, oh, we really need to understand this, because a lot of times we can feel so dissatisfied, because we're not just, no matter what your partner does, your love cup can be empty, because it's not being filled up in the ways that you should enough.

Sure, but clarify, gifts doesn't mean a lot of money. Like, you can pick a flower on the way over to his house and say, oh, I was thinking of you, and you're cute, and this flower's cute, and here, have a flower.

Exactly, it's like little things. Like, you said you needed salt.

Right.

I was at Safeway, I bought you salt.

That's a gift.

He was so happy.

Definitely, yes.

He said, salt was so great. I'm like, awesome. Yeah, I have stuff in my trunk now. I'm like, here's some gifts. But you know what I mean, so it's a great way to really look at your relationship and say, I mean, I don't see any way, what I love about this is it's so easy and simple to digest, and you can look it up and be like, that might be something that we've been struggling with, and it could be a barrier, I think, to maybe get you through sometimes if you guys just feel like you're not communicating.

Yeah, absolutely. You know what I'll do? I'll go ahead and I'll tweet this, the quiz on my website, and then we'll retweet it. That sounds perfect. I will tag you in it. My Twitter handle is Therapist Jenny, J-E-N-N-I-E. So I'm going to tweet that quiz in about 5 minutes.

Thank you, Jenny. I'm so glad you're talking about this. It's important. I think it's really useful, a lot of couples. Thank you. Absolutely. Thank you Okay, so you're all gonna do your dirty love language, and I'm @sexwithemily on Twitter and Instagram. Okay, next, Dirty Lola, here she is. Hi, Lola, hi, Dirty Lola.

Hello, Emily.

I can't decide if I wanna grip it.

I like it, 'cause it's like a penis.

It is like a penis, let's get into that, so, right? Okay, Dirty Lola, You actually taught a workshop.

I did.

Negotiating Alternative Lifestyles with Dirty Lola. Yes. So you're a naughty storyteller, sex toy peddler. Yes. I guess I am too.

Yeah.

Can't help it. It's one of those business things. Just my car, my trunk is filled with toys. And the creator and host of the live sex positive Q&A gogo show and podcast Sex at a Gogo.

Yes.

Okay, so tell me about your workshop, Negotiating Alternative Lifestyles.

So, I found myself at the age of 27, married and having a crisis of self. And I was online discovering kink and polyamory and going through all these changes, and I had no idea where to start. And I'm 34 now, and I have a wonderful open marriage, and I am kinky as all fuck and very happy, and I sat down and I said, you know, If I'm confused, if I was confused about how to start, other people are. And through doing my show, that's one of the main questions. People are always like, how did you get started?

How did you? Okay, so let's talk about it. So you're 27, you're like, there's something out there. I'm not getting it in my relationship.

Right.

You get divorced.

I did it the wrong way and I had an affair. Don't do that. Don't skip that step. Don't do that. I had an affair, we worked through that, and one day I was reading the New York Times and it was the book review section, and I don't remember the name of the book, But it was a book about polyamory, and they were talking about polyamory, and I'm reading it, and I'm like, this is me! This is me! And I take it to my husband, I'm like, this is why I'm all fucked up! And he's like, I don't care, we're not doing that.

Right, 'cause it's not for everybody.

Right, it's not for everybody. So polyamory, you know, it's multiple partners. There's different types of polyamory. There's poly mono, which means you have maybe one other partner, and there's, I call it poly-sluttery because I have lots of partners that fill different niches in my life. But yet, so, I kind of folded that up and kept it in my pocket, and then I would bring it up every so once in a while, and slowly I wore him down. He's like, okay, maybe we could try threesomes. Maybe we could bring another woman home.

This is the husband?

This is the husband.

Okay, got it. Are you still?

No, we're still together.

Oh, I thought.

I worked on that shit.

Wait, see, I was thinking that you left. Okay, see, I love this.

No, I didn't leave.

Okay, I missed that part. I've been with this man since I was 19 years old.

I wasn't giving up that easy.

Where is he? Is he here?

No.

Okay, right, 'cause you got other lovers here right now.

Yeah.

Let's talk about that. Oh no, okay, so you stayed with him.

He's with his girlfriend actually.

But you said at first, right, see, this is that people are like, I don't understand. I thought you were gonna say, okay, so it worked. He was like, no, no, no, but then you—

It worked. No, no, no, but I kept it to the side and I would bring it up and I'm like, you know, but this is how I feel and this is where I am emotionally. And he's like, maybe we could bring in another woman. So we did that. And then he's like, I'd be open to trying a foursome. And we did that. And after the foursome, he's like, I fucking get it now. I get it. I love you, but I can't stop thinking about that girl. I'm like, I know, right?

Right, right?

And so then I started dating. He wasn't really into the dating. We were swinging for a little while.

He wasn't into the swinging?

He was, you know what, it was kind of like I was doing all the work, and I'm like, dude, you gotta do some of the, yeah.

He's like, just serve him up.

I'm charismatic, he's shy, and so I'm the one like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. And let's go do things. And that worked, we did that for a while. And then I met his girlfriend, the woman who became his girlfriend. We slept together.

And then—

That's how it all happens, and you're fine, okay.

And then they became a couple, and now we're a poly family. She's married. She and her husband have two kids. They're basically our kids now. We're all a big happy—

And that all, okay, so talk to me about how this works. Do you have kids as well? No. How does, what do the children think? Like, I have 6 mommies? How do you talk to them about it?

The kids are kind of like, when we started, their parents were already polyamorous when we met them. We just were there all the time and they saw us hanging around and there was one night I was going to dinner with my metamour, which is my husband's girlfriend, her husband, and the oldest goes, do you love my dad? I'm like, I love him, I do love him, I love him like I love you. And she's like, do you love my dad? I'm like, I'm not quite there yet. And she's like, okay. And like with my husband, they kind of, they love him and they're always, they sing Mommy and, I won't say his real name, sitting in a tree, like they sing that. And kids pick up, really.

They do pick it up, but I'm just wondering how, a lot of people think.

We didn't really explain it, we're just there.

They know that we're, I'm Lola and They're like family, like, and uncle, sort of.

And they know a lot of aunts.

I grew up with a very small family, so maybe that would have been good for me if I had like one aunt who like lived in Singapore. It would have been nice. Maybe my parents should have been swingers, open relationship.

I mean, they get it.

Yeah. But how do people go about finding their community if they're like, you know what, this might interest me, but I live in Iowa? I mean, we live— where do you live? In New York?

I live in New York, which is a lot.

I live in LA.

I used to live in San Francisco. But people— I get a lot of emails, people, and I'm from Michigan originally, so I get emails, you were like, but I'm in Detroit, or I'm in Iowa, like what do they do? What do you do?

Go online. Check on, there's an abundance, so like OKCupid is a dating site, but it's very poly-friendly, very, actually they now made it where you can link your other relationships. That's what, yeah, they just had your other relationships, and you can actually put like I'm polyamorous as a relationship status. So that's one way to start finding people. If you're on Facebook, and you, Facebook has groups, and if you go on and you type in polyamory, like, a million things pop up. So, so many states have groups of people that are already—

thank God for Facebook.

Yeah, Facebook.

I thought you mean your high school alums. You could also find your next lover on Facebook. Exactly.

And, uh, FetLife, which is— but also there's a lot of poly community on FetLife, and so you can find events and groups through FetLife, things like that. And then I always tell people also if you live somewhere very far out, like in the middle of nowhere, I grew up in the South, I feel you, you may not be able to make your own community where you live, but you can travel. So things like this, conferences.

Sexual Health Expo.

Yeah, there's poly conferences.

Taking it around the world.

There's all kinds of things where you can like go and be in that environment and meet people that way, and then you end up creating something. So you may have to travel for it, it may be something that, once a year is where you get to go do your thing. Or you meet other people, like our poly family, they live in Maryland, they live 4 hours away. But you make it work.

You make it work, so you find your people. So here's my question, and this is, again, this is a live podcast, so I have a lot of listeners all over the world, and they're listening to this, and I've taught, I mean, I've done, I've been doing this for 10 years, I've done a lot of different podcasts, 3,000 podcasts, but I'm always interested, I always get these questions when people aren't poly, they're like, wait, you, then you, he brought home, your husband brought home his new girlfriend, and then you had sex with her, and then he had sex with her, and he said, I can't stop thinking about her. How did you personally learn to deal with the jealousy?

I've always been polyamorous. I've been polyamorous since I was in high school and just didn't know what it was called.

Okay.

And high school, right?

You never had that jealousy? So how about people who do and they think, I like this idea, but I could never overcome the fact that my partner is thinking about someone else right now.

I get jealous.

But I wanna be with someone else.

But I know how to process what I'm feeling.

How do you process it?

So first of all, realize your jealousy is your own shit. Sorry, it's not, most likely it's not your partner, no matter how much you wanna think it is. It's usually your own stuff.

Our own insecurities. It is.

And sometimes you need to sit down, but they may be warranted. So it may be that you're missing something, you need more time, they broke a boundary, they broke a promise, you haven't spent a lot of time together. Like before, I'm here for a week, I'm in LA, and he's going to be with his partner, and I've been very busy and he's been very busy, and we didn't really get to connect much before we left, and so we kind of made a bargain of when we get home, We're gonna do this. So that keeps you from feeling like, oh, you're giving all your attention to this other person. It also helps if you're also doing extracurricular fucking. Like, I'm not here while he's with his girlfriend going, oh man, I'm here like having sex all weekend and it's amazing. So I'm not thinking about him in that. I am, but I'm not. Like, I'm not sitting there going, he's with his girlfriend this weekend.

So you guys negotiate ahead of time, you make those compromises.

Right, and we've been doing it for so long it kind of flows. But you actually have to do the work of, this is what's going on this weekend. I'm not comfortable with X, Y, Z happening.

Give me an example of the X, Y, Z.

So, okay, early on in our relationship—

Break down the X, Y, Z. X, Y, Z.

So early on in our relationship, we, it was, if he would go with his girlfriend, it would be, before you leave, we're gonna have a night where we have dinner together, we're gonna fuck before you go. Like really good fucking, not—

Plan it out.

Right, exactly.

What's good fucking? Like, not like a quickie.

Okay.

Like, you know, couple, like an hour.

That's how my sister says it. Couple hours. Like, I have great sex. I'm like, what do you mean? Break that down for me.

Like, just more than just like bang, bang, bang, okay? Like, you know, some foreplay and porn, 'cause I love porn. What do you watch?

What's your favorite porn?

I don't, whatever.

You can't even start.

Yeah, it's too many things.

Got it.

And that, so those are our boundaries. And also, how many times we call each other. Well, since I'm traveling, I'm the one who reaches out 'cause I'm on a different coast. I call him in the morning when I wake up, or we text. We make sure we say goodnight. We never go to bed without saying goodnight to each other.

And that's something that you guys discussed, 'cause perhaps early on you were like, I didn't get a call last night, where were you?

And there were fights. There were so many fights of, you didn't even call me, you weren't even thinking about me. And so now it's okay if I'm on a different time zone, I'll call. Goodnight, and I check in during the day. And also though, I connect with his partner. So I send her good mornings and how are you and how's he feeling.

It's a lot of work though with all the parts.

It's not true.

You text all the partners.

Group text.

You group text everyone good morning?

We have a, it's called adult, our group text is called Adult Swim. We have one with the kids that says our family. So I send cute pictures and how was school today. And then we have Adult Swim, which is for us adults, and I send, look at this bruise I got from doing this fun thing, or guess who I fucked tonight, or I love all of you. I hope you're all cuddling and things like that.

That's great, so you're all very, right, okay. So are there a lot of people in this, I mean, I'm so fascinated by it, and I think a lot of people are, but they might think, you know what, it's not for everybody.

No, and that's okay.

That's totally fine.

I'm not one of those poly people that are like, you need to be into this.

We're all poly, we're not all any one thing.

I don't, yeah.

But what do you think that people can learn from it if they're not, and they're in a relationship, in a committed relationship with one person, but what do you think the takeaway that people can learn from this?

Communication. I don't, even in monogamous relationships, people aren't communicating. Go through their whole day and don't talk to each other and don't check in because you just don't think you need to. So that's one of the main things that I think people from monogamous relationships can look at poly and go, oh, all this extra communication. That doesn't have to feel extra. It's, I'm checking in with people I love. I'm letting you know what's going on in my day. Also, just about setting boundaries, 'cause even in monogamous relationships, you need to set boundaries. Of what you're okay with. Even like flirting, like some people think flirting is cheating. I don't, but some people do.

They do.

Or some people think, you know, like you can't even talk to someone of the opposite sex, but those are things that you need to talk about and not just get angry that you saw your husband talking to, you know, the hot lady at the Symbian booth.

Funny.

People are riding the Symbian and getting jealous. Hi, money. No, but it's interesting though, because I think that, like I always say, communication is a lubrication. And I realized after I've been saying that for 10 years now, that people are like, but how? Like, I get what you're saying, Emily, but how do I really like have that? Like, people just go with the anger. Like, that really upset me that you were doing that, but we want to like drop it down to another level.

Go to therapy. No, we went, we found an amazing sex-positive therapist who is, she was okay with poly and kink. And she even invited us to bring in our others to sit down, but she gave us a lot of great tools.

Lots of chairs then in that therapist's room.

But also realizing that, you know, I'm a planner, my husband's a procrastinator, so it's accepting—

That's how they go to, I'm a procrastinator too, I need you to be the planner.

But it's accepting who your partner is.

Exactly.

And then working around that, but one of the main things is making time to talk to each other.

You have to make the time, and you have to, yeah, and you have to set the boundary, and I do think that therapy, I will say this, I think that every couple eventually are gonna come to a point, and it's never too soon to go into therapy because if you look at your relationship, you might realize that we're having the same arguments over and over and over again, and there's a point where you're just never gonna get deeper with it.

It's good to have a referee.

It's not about all this stuff about who did what and who said who in the flirting, it's about other deeper issues, and so, and a good therapist will make you both feel like you were heard and that nobody won.

We never went home going, "Ha, she took my side." It was, we both went home feeling heard, listened to, and like we had solutions. So, take that with you when you're looking for somebody.

That's amazing. Thank you, Dirty Lola.

You're very welcome.

You rock. Okay, everyone can find you. It'll all be on my website too, but your main website, you are?

My main website is sexatagogo.com. It's where my show is. It's also where you can find links to the podcast. And I'm on Twitter @DirtyLola. That's where I'm most active.

Dirty Lola.

There's nudity. Warning you, okay?

Good. They want to see the nudity. Okay, thank you so much for being here. Thank you. It's awesome, thank you. Also, you guys, oh, Melina, we've got Melina coming up here. But I also want to say that we're going to be doing a little Q&A after too, so at the end of this, like the last 10 minutes. So get your questions ready.

Hello.

Hi, Melina.

What's up?

How are you?

I am so great. How are you?

It's good to see you. I'm good. Okay, so Melina taught a workshop. Knowing Your Kink, Knowing Yourself with Melina Williams.

Yes, that's what I did.

That's what you did?

I did. And that's yesterday.

Um, well, let me give you— do you want me to give you who you are?

Sure, if you want.

This is the bio part, but it's important. Award— Melina. Melina's award-winning, critically acclaimed writer, actress, BDSM educator, and storyteller. And joining us to talk about the wild, uh, wide world of kink and how to explore your kinky side.

The wild, the wild, wild world. Yeah, well, my class yesterday, it's interesting because talking about kink and BDSM, BDSM being bondage and dominance, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism, because we perverts love acronyms, and this one's a stacked acronym, it's super awesome. But a lot of times people will think that BDSM is whips and chains in a dungeon, and it's a scary thing. And my role is to kind of like, sort of like Oprah the BDSM and be like, look, I'm a nice friendly chubby black lady, it's okay.

Oprah with a BDSM wrap. People are so confused by it.

You can talk about it and say, it's only as scary as you want it to be. And frankly, a lot of what we do in kink looks like normal life shit. And you would never know, wait, can I swear?

Yeah, it's all right, it's a podcast.

I was like, I just used a bad word, please bleep it.

Do it, Mom.

That makes me feel even more edgy.

No, you can swear. I try not to, but fuck, sometimes I do, I really do. There you go, see, I can't help it. Do whatever you want, go crazy. Get naked.

So part of what I was talking about yesterday was the point that in order to know what you wanna do in the dungeon or in the bedroom or in your life, you have to know something about who you are. So it's a lot about exploring your personality, what your desires are. If you're like, hey, maybe I'm dominant. Why are you dominant? Are you dominant because you're an overbearing asshole? And because you feel the need to be the boss of everyone around you and anyone rebelling against your will must be crushed like your foes? And if so, that's great, as long as you are honest about that. If you're submissive because you desire to please other people and you don't want to make a fucking decision for the rest of your life and that would just relax you into a state of constant erotic bliss, great. But if you know that about yourself, you are more able to find a partner who's able to say, "You're a bossy asshole.

That kind of turns me on." So how do people go about finding it? Like, you talked about knowing and defining your own kink. Like, you're saying some people might know that, but some people would be like, I think I'm interested in it. I don't have chains, I don't have whips, I don't have a dungeon, but kind of something about it interests me, but I don't know where to go from there.

One of the things I tell people to do is to find porn that turns you on in that realm. If you read, and I know a lot of kinky people are gonna cringe when I say it, but I have to say it. If you read Fifty Shades of Grey, yes, it's terrible, but let us point out it's been a gateway drug for literally millions of people around the world. If you can jerk off to some BDSM porn and say, I don't know that I like Christian Grey, but reading about the Red Room of Pain has gotten me horny, hot, wet, soft, whatever. That's great, because then you can take the next step and say, maybe I wanna roleplay this in the bedroom. Maybe I wanna write fiction about it. Exploring through someone else's view is a great way to give yourself permission to feel okay about it.

Yeah, I agree. It was a gateway, poorly written, kind of painful, but people were like, oh, that's so interesting, we don't know about it.

But before that, there was Anne Rice and the Sleeping Beauty series, which I read back in the day. And I felt bad about myself as a human being. I was like, you are a terrible— it's so good, got to jerk off. Because it went to something beyond my higher brain.

Right.

You know, I could sit there and go, oh, this writing, oh, this whatever. But then I'm like, you know, I have to jerk off.

Let it go. Let's not be also judgmental. If it turned you on, it turned you on. No one's here to judge. Just find what turned you on.

And before that, it was the Story of O. And I'm sure that a lot of people read the Story of O back in the day. That's what I was reading back in the '80s and '90s. And going, okay, well, this is problematic and I'm not sure I feel about the ending, but I want a special dress. And I want a special ring, and I want a collar, and I want a mask, and I want a mansion full of hotties. That's a great weekend.

So what about a couple who's together and he or she or he, he, she, she, someone right at the couple, like, I wanna try this, but I do not know where to start because there's so much information out there, but it's confusing. There's like cuffs, there's whips, there's chains. What do you say like, the beginning, beginner BDSM or bondage or whatever, figuring it out. Because we tell people one thing is that you can't even tell your partner like you're upset their socks are on the floor, and I'm saying tell me you might want to be tied up and blindfolded, you know?

Well, the thing is that most people, like show of hands here, even if you like go back to the mists of time, the dawn of your sexuality, and probably at some point you like held your partner's hands down while you were doing them, or they held your hands down, or someone like turned you over and tapped your butt and then tapped your butt a few more times and you were like, "Tap it again!" Actually kind of awesome. It's organic. Most people do that. Most people will say, "I want you to just do me. I want you to take charge of me." So this is really organic. So going back to the fact that this is something we've all done and to just say to your partner, "Tonight, just for tonight, how about you be in charge and you take from me anything you want?" And the other person's like, "Oh, okay, where do I start?" It's like, how about I serve you dinner and give you a foot massage and then kneel at the foot of the bed and wait for you to tell me what to do. And then your partner goes, well, I don't know what to do. It's going to be awkward. It's going to be weird.

It will be awkward. That's the thing. You gotta get through that awkward point.

And that's okay. I mean, some of the most hilarious, before I was even kinky, my first boyfriend and I were like, we're gonna try golden showers. Yeah, we're gonna pee on each other. This is like the dirtiest thing ever. And we like got ready and he drank all this water and we got in the shower and I'm standing there like, yeah, do it.

And he's like, yeah.

I can't pee. Don't look. So I'm like, it's like something, he's pee shy, like I can't watch him. I'm like turning around, so now I'm like, here's my ass, pee on my ass, yeah, do it.

He's like, uh.

And then he just cracks up laughing, he's like, this is ridiculous, ah!

So it's trial and error, there's a lot of laughter.

And the thing is that it was funny, and then eventually he did pee on me, and we were like, okay, that didn't really turn me on, but we did it. And this is the great thing about kink, is that it's going to feel silly, and you're going to feel awkward, but you're also silly and awkward together. And the whole laughter is the best medicine thing, there's very few times laughing in the bedroom is okay, generally. It's jarring and might make someone cry. But if you do a bondage scene—

Except that's where growth happens.

I know, exactly. But if you do a bondage scene, the person's got the socks around your wrists and the scarf, and it's tangled, and you're, ankles behind your head, and you're like, honey, this is not— and you're laughing and you're having a good time, that enjoyment is a form of bonding. And if someone's giving you a spanking and they're not doing it correctly, and you're like, no, I need more on the left cheek, more on the bottom cheek, down on the bottom curve, and they're like, exactly, you know, you have this excuse to talk and to communicate in a way that doesn't necessarily always happen in the realm of sex, right? And in a situation where you're exchanging power and you're saying, you do me, now I'm gonna do you, you You have to talk. You have to absolutely communicate. And this is the amazing and awesome thing about kinky sex, is that it forces you to talk about shit that you almost never talk about in regular standard relationship shit.

Right, and that's what I think, right, we want everyone to be talking in your standard relationships, even if you're not into kink, so there's a lot to learn from it. So you said that you weren't always kinky, I mean, or maybe you weren't.

I was always like, yeah, I was like the freak in high school, like that was the term. I was never ever like this.

How did you get into it then? How did you manifest it?

Long and crazy story short, basically I met this hot British guy and we were about to hook up with this hot one-night stand. I'm like, yeah, he's super hot and he's got the accent and he's a musician, so I'm like, this is great. And we went back to the hotel and he literally threw me up against the wall and had his hand around my neck and leaned in and said, you've been a very bad little girl. Do you know what happens to bad little girls? And I'm like, no, yes, no, yes, no, what happens, what happens? And then what happened was like the freakiest, most deviant, like he took off his belt, he's choking me, he's spanking my butt, and I'm like, okay, well technically this could be considered assault.

Yeah.

But, oh, it's so, I'm really wet. And I'm really turned on. So instead of calling the police, I'm gonna just see how this goes. And so how it went was ridiculous, amazing, awesome, best orgasms ever. And I woke up in the morning and I was like, I need to get his cigarettes, I need to get his breakfast, I need to pick up his laundry, I need to run errands for him, I need to do whatever he needs for me to do forever and ever. I'm in, oh my God. And I thought to myself, okay, wow, clearly there's something broken in my head because no one gets their ass beaten and then wants to become this person's servant.

It just doesn't make any sense.

Right, and your brain just went there.

My brain just went there. And then it took me a couple of years to see I started to say, maybe it's not just that I have this incredible unique bond with this one person, maybe it's me, maybe this is my personality, maybe there's something within me that he just happened to hit upon. And at that point, luckily, I was living in San Francisco, and there's a few perverts there, in case you're wondering where they are, there's a few.

That's where I'm from, right?

And I started poking around, I was like, hey, where are the kinky people? Because I grew up in New York, and I assumed that BDSM and leather was all gay white men. Like, that's who I saw. And then I was like, no, there's people from all walks of life doing this freaky shit.

But here's my question. So you have this experience with the hot British guy, and then you probably had other sexual experiences after, and you're like, why is— like, how would you ever try to be like, I want that again, or try to talk these— teach men or women, whoever you're with?

What's interesting is that it's really not difficult to get people— and this is why I say to people, you don't have to evangelize.

This is the bridge.

This is the part that they need to You can welcome, you can say, this is an aspect of my life that I enjoy. So the next time I had a hookup, I did say to the person, you know, if you wanted to spank me while we're fucking, that would be okay. I'd be totally fine with that. And I have yet to have anyone say no. You know, I had, actually it was very funny, 'cause I had one woman who was a lover, and I was like, hey, you know, and she was like, oh, and then she turned to this cabinet that had never been opened.

Ooh.

And like suddenly she's like, and I have floggers, and I have all these floggers.

That's the best case scenario.

And she had never brought it up because she didn't want to scare me away. And so what was amazing was that I discovered that once I started to say, hey, you know, I'm into this, I had people— the most rejection that I received was someone saying, I'm not really into that, but I'd be interested in hearing why you are.

Right. And that's not so bad, right? But you're getting what you want. So some people sexually are in relationships where they're hoping that their partners, who are not mind readers— no one's partner is a mind reader, but we We just hope and we don't talk about it, so it helps to be very open right away, right? Like when you meet someone, you're like, this is what I'm into.

I think in the beginning you can just say, you know what?

And you put a collar on your neck.

I think I'm a freak. So I mean, my husband/owner and I met on OKCupid, and that was because my OKCupid profile was like pervert, pervert, pervert, submissive, bottom, this and this and that if you're interested in that. And I can tell you, I got hundreds of responses. Most of them from submissive men who were like, "Mistress, please." And I'm like, "Did you see me on my profile?" Right, we're kind of submissive. But good for you, fantastic. But it showed me that there were people out there, a lot of people, you know, 'cause I'm a niche market, you know. I'm not the most marketable chick on OKCupid. So if I was getting that many responses, you gotta know that there's tons of people who are like looking for it, just waiting for someone to have that openness with them. And the thing is that if you share that with a partner and they're not into it, isn't it better to have that communication early in the relationship so you can make an informed and intelligent decision as to whether or not this is something that you wish to pursue?

Right, you're like, I require to be spanked. If you cannot spank me, this is not going to go anywhere.

Good on you, have a fantastic life.

No judgment, we're leaving.

Someone else.

I like it. No, that's great. So you also teach courses, you educate people?

I do.

I do. I do a lot of classes.

You do a lot of stuff.

Well, it's funny because people think, oh, kink and BDSM, what are their classes on? It's like, well, how do you negotiate? What happens when things don't go well? How do you find partners? How do you deal with being involved with more than one person if you're in a power exchange dynamic? There's so much to talk about. And so I talk about it all, all of it.

I love it. How can they find you? What's next?

You can find me on mollena.com, M-O-L-L-E-N-A dot com. I have a book, a wonderful book that I co-wrote with Leigh Harrington called Playing with Others: Your Guide to Exploring, Discovering, and Navigating the Kink, Leather, and BDSM Communities. And that's for the person who's like, maybe, possibly, I think, I don't know, maybe I want to check this out. Like, my mom read it and was like, oh, OK, yeah, I get it a little bit more.

There's something I do believe that people can read any of this and figure out, like, I might not be on that extreme of it, but there's something in here that could work for me.

Exactly.

And that will spice up my sex life or get me to— maybe you don't know. I think a lot of people are also like, I don't really know what I want. I don't know who I am sexually.

Yeah, but it can give you— you can give yourself permission to explore it, and then once you give yourself permission to explore, then you can figure out the rest of the deliciousness.

I love it. You're delicious. Thank you for being here, Emily. I appreciate it. Thank you so much for joining me. Thank you. Yeah, you guys, okay, this is the time we're doing some Q&A.

Who's got questions for me?

Come on. Are you guys having fun at the Expo? You could just— okay, now are you ready to talk to me about what you've learned? Is it a good time? Yay, we've got a mic. This is Madison, producer Madison, if you listen to the podcast. Emily, who listens to the podcast? Yay, thank everyone for coming, I appreciate it. Questions?

Oh, here we go, love it.

I got a microphone for you and it takes one and then you all start talking.

Yeah, hi, so this is something that came up in my last relationship and I think it kind of ended the relationship, which was that we couldn't talk about sex. And part of it, you know, I mean, I'll take responsibility for not create— for just not knowing how to create a space to make him feel comfortable. So anytime I wanted to talk about sex, and this was after being in a relationship for over 10 years.

You were with him for 10 years?

Yeah.

Okay.

He just felt like talking about sex was like me telling him what he was doing wrong, or me telling him what I am not getting.

Right.

And that it felt like it was punishment or lecturing, and I didn't know how to overcome that because I would say, like, well, you tell me, why don't we start with what you might want that we haven't talked about?

But even he's like, well, wait, wait, there must be something you don't want. What am I doing wrong?

Yeah, right.

Sex is very touchy. It's— I mean, it's a very challenging thing for couples to talk about, especially if you're together for 10 years and all of a sudden you're like, let's talk about it. Of course someone is going to think, you know, right, like, it's—

what we're doing is great, but I kind of want more. How do we to discuss that. So I guess the question is, how do you help create a safe environment for your partner to not feel attacked or made wrong?

It's a great question. That's a really great question. It is a common question, but a really, really good one because I think it is so overwhelming for people and they just think, I'm just not gonna deal with it. Maybe we'll talk tomorrow. Because there's never gonna be a great time to have that sex talk if you've never had it. And so one of the best things is to not have it in the bedroom. Unless you're in pain, or there's something more you want in the bedroom. Typically, it's best to have these outside the bedroom, so maybe when you're having breakfast, or taking a walk together, even driving in the car. I remember Charlie Glickman, I don't know if he's here, but he was on my show, and he was saying that couples, if you're driving in the car sometimes, and you wanna have the sex talk, but you like eye contact, it's kinda hard the first time. You're looking ahead, but you're still having the talk, and you're like, you know. That's another great way, but also, I love the compliment sandwich too. So say something like, you know, our sex last night, you know, I'm really enjoying like the sex that we're having. Like the way you were licking my nipples last night felt so good. And I was thinking it would be really cool if next time we're together you could kind of do that again because I felt like I was about to orgasm and it felt amazing. And the way you were, you know, I could bring in some lube because I think lube would feel great when I'm masturbating. So you just kind of start telling it, reinforcing about stuff that you're doing. I think that's an easy way to get into it. Because if you're like, "We need to talk." How does that go over ever to anybody, right? Your employees, your boss, anything, like, "We need to talk." So it's like, hey, I just think as much as you could keep the sex conversation, it's a heavy subject, it's intense, but to keep it lighter and to keep it more fun and playful, you're gonna have a lot, you're gonna have better sex and the conversation will become a lot easier to have. And especially once you start talking about it with your partner, it actually is a fun thing to do. It becomes like, wow, Oh, I see, because you're getting benefits from it. We're actually having this talk and our sex just got better. And they're like, when can we talk about it again? It's like what we were talking about earlier with Melina and everybody, like Dirty Lola, having these conversations the first few times, it could be, it's gonna be hard, but then it becomes part of like, what do you want for dinner? It's like, so, where are you gonna spank me tonight, you know? It does become easier. So thank you for your question. It's a great question. Any other questions?

Come on guys, don't be shy.

Hi.

Hello. What I've learned is that, you know, we need to be authentic with ourselves, the things we feel, the things that we see.

And you may move the mic up. Thank you.

Make sure that we're letting ourselves out to our partners, the people that we're around. You know, don't, don't hide it because— and that's what this has taught me at being here is Be out there, be open, share yourself, and find out what other people are about too.

Yeah, no, that's great. It's true. I think a lot of people silently suffer through— I say monogamy that wasn't popular, but they do silently suffer through their relationships in a lot of ways. And there's no reason because sex is fun, guys. Sex is one of the most pleasurable things in your life, and we run into so many obstacles and we don't know how to communicate it. Communicate about it.

And your workshops are great also.

Thank you, thank you for coming to them, I appreciate it. I do teach workshops, I think I have another one February 2nd at Hustler in West Covina. That's gonna be fun, some sex toy shopping. Anyone find any toys here that they like? I wanted to ask the women, yeah, what'd you get?

So I got some stuff at that booth over there. I got like a really great deal on a vibrator. And some of those little balls, like the Kegel balls.

Kegel exercise, pelvic floor health, so important.

But yeah, the stuff I really wanted was a little out of my price range, so we'll have to save up.

Out of your price range, save up. Yeah, it's worth it, you guys. It is worth it to spend. You don't want to get vibrators that are going to burn your vagina off made of non-body-safe materials. So that's true. Okay, good. I'm glad. Any other questions?

Any more questions?

We have just a few more minutes. Over there? Yes, hi.

Oh, sorry.

You just go, hey, that was a good fucking time.

Hi, Emily.

Hi, Amanda. Amanda was my intern for a while, yeah. Hi.

I was wondering, you talked on a few podcasts ago about websites for sex parties.

And I was just wondering, because I know you've gone to one with Ross, like you told us about in a podcast.

That's my boyfriend. OK, it's all right.

I was just wondering your favorite way of going about that. Safest way of going about that? Because I know there are lots of websites, but—

Yeah, there are. I mean, I think that depends. Like, FetLife is a great website to go out to. But you're thinking going to play parties?

Yeah, and I've never been to one before, but I really want to go.

I know everyone— I mean, luckily I've got friends that know, but I think FetLife is a great one. You're in LA, right?

Yeah.

Any suggestions for sites that people use? You guys have suggestions? I mean, it's— yeah, I just think it's really finding like your groups, your community, who you're into. But what would you recommend? Like, if there's Facebook groups Ooh, this is loud.

Definitely FetLife, but be careful. A lot of people have parties at their houses, so kind of pay attention to that. You wanna be safe.

You wanna be safe.

Go to one at a public space and not just at somebody's apartment. And then there's Kinky Salon out here. They're in the Bay. Are they in LA?

Kinky Salon in the Bay Area.

Yeah, they're in the Bay.

I used to go to those, right.

And they do, those parties are great because they have a buddy system. You have to bring a friend. And if one of you is an asshole, nobody can ever come back, which I love. No, it's true. But they encourage a buddy, and also they talk to you when you come in about everything. You don't have to have sex. Sex is an option, but you can also just sit and chill. And there's always a theme. You always wear a costume, which is amazing.

I think that's great advice, the places that are actually, yeah, somewhere that's vetted. Kinky Salon is great in San Francisco, and I wonder, 'Cause since I moved to LA, I did go to that one party with him, which was really fun. Holly and Michael, they have a show on Playboy Radio called Swing. Are they here? They were gonna come. But they invite, they're like my, they invite me. So I don't have to, I have not gone on the sites here, and since I moved to LA 3 years ago, I've been way too busy to doin' it, which kinda sucks. But yeah, there are, I would check out FatLife, I would check out some Facebook things, and Kiki Salon might even have things here. Okay, anyone else have any questions? All right, we're good. All right, you guys. That's it. I want to thank you so much for coming, and thank you to the Sexual Health Expo. We're going to be doing this all over. Follow us around the country, and follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Sex with Emily. Thank you to all the fans for being here. I'll be over at my booth. I've got books, I've got t-shirts. We can talk, we can have a drink, we can hang out. Thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.

If you've listened to this show the last couple months, you've probably heard me talk about a very unique product called the Womanizer. A while back, the owners of the company asked if they could send me one to test, which of course I agreed to.

Duh!

As you know, I own and review a lot of toys. And was fairly confident that I've tried every category of product around. I was wrong.

I'm never wrong. I was wrong.

The Womanizer was designed in Germany, and unlike anything else on the market, it indirectly stimulates the clitoris using suction. It kind of looks like a sexy ear thermometer. It has a silicone cylinder on the face that you place over your clitoris, kind of how a partner might use their mouth. And while it's on, you can vary the suction and move it around to create an amazingly intense experience. In fact, most women in their focus group achieved orgasm in 1 minute. That's right, a 60-second orgasm. Okay, so back to me. I tried the Womanizer, and yeah, they weren't kidding. It's amazing. The suction is adjustable, and you can position it to create so many different sensations. The Womanizer really is in its own category, and I suggest you check it out for yourself. Go to sexwithemily.com and click on the Womanizer banner for more information. You'll love it. Here's a message from PodcastOne. Okay, they've got a really important listener survey at podcastone.com. Your responses will help make this show the very best it can be, and you'll help PodcastOne continue granting your requests. It'll only take 3 minutes of your time. and you get the instant gratification that comes with knowing you helped support the show. It's just as important as supporting our sponsors. You can tell us how you really feel about the show and help us get to, get to know you better. Do it now. Take the survey at podcastone.com. That's podcastone.com.

Thanks.