M is for Masturbation (Month)

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Emily thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on today's show. I'm taking your calls, which is one of my favorite things. And I'm getting into some self pleasure talk because it's May and you know what that means. It's masturb month. Topics include how to better educate people of all ages about porn and how to find the good stuff. Ways to bring up your fantasies to a partner. What to do when you can't seem to climax even with the help of ed meds. And how to have that dreaded define the relationship talk. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes they call them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cuz my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standard. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry?

It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my God.

I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com, check out this show, our blogs, we've got a lot going on this month because of masturbation month. And as always, I love when you subscribe and comment on itunes. And I'm exwithemily across the board on all social media. If you're there, I'm there. We can connect. So happy masturbation month. Yes, it's a whole month, you guys. I love May. May is so fun because, yes, masturbation deserves a whole month. And you might be saying, well, I masturbate every day. Well, that's good for you. Because our goal this month is to get people to kind of focus on your masturbation and switch it up, work on exploring your body. We've got some great tips on the site. And you know, masturbation is all part of being healthy sexually. Nothing wrong with a little masturbation. So it got me thinking about this because there's so much going on now with sex and with kids. It's really important that we teach more about pleasure when it comes to sex, especially to young people. And that sex isn't just about, you know, fear based education. When you think about sex ed, it's like, you're gonna have an sti, you're gonna get pregnant. Oh my God. Don't have sex. Only have sex, you know, when you're married. And the thing that we totally skip over is like, wow, there's actually some pleasure to be had and here's some masturbation. You know, it's okay if you touch yourself. It's okay. You know, it's totally fine to have these sensations in your bodies. And I think that kids are just. There's so much shame around it. And I think now with porn, what I'm experiencing from a lot of parents, friends with kids, young relatives, I have pretty much everybody. I feel like there's kind of been the tipping point in the last few months where it's like, what do we do with the infiltration of porn right now? That kids at like age 8 or 9 are now seeing pornographic images for the first time. That's the first time they experience sex. And then like, they don't talk about it to anybody. Parents are expecting the schools to take care of it. And then they go into school and they're like, don't get someone pregnant. This is a fallopian tube, and you better wear condoms. And then they're like, well, what happens to my penis when it's, you know, if I have this kind of wet dream and girls are like, I don't really know what happens when I orgasms, or how do I please myself? Or maybe they were shamed. You know what happens? You know, I've been thinking about this a lot lately, like, that there's so many women who really don't have a great understanding of their bodies. And especially at a young age, something. It just takes one thing to happen. Like, maybe we're inappropriately touching ourselves at the kitchen table, or our relatives come over and a parent says, oh, no, honey, that's dirty. Go into the bedroom or don't ever do that again or you'll go blind. And we get all these messages around touching ourselves and our bodies that are just wrong. So we should think about if you have kids or you're an aunt or you're an uncle or there's kids in your lives. I really think that it's important if you can be a really good source, obviously talk to the parents first. But kids are asking questions these days, and even more so, I feel that we have to be on hand to support. Support our youth. And we actually have a blog on the website why masturbation should be taught in Sex Ed. And I'm bringing this up because there's definitely some controversy around this. I understand it. I remember when Bill Clinton appointed Dr. Joyce and elders to the surgeon general, and her first thing was like, we need to teach pleasure in schools. And people freaked out, and she had to step down. And. And that was a long time ago. And that was before we could all get porn, you know, on our smartphones. So I think more than ever now, I get it. I get what she was saying. And I think that, hey, there's other parts of the world, like in France. Okay, this is for my French listeners. I need you to find this. They begin using a 3D printed model of the clitoris to teach children not just about the intimate body, but how to get pleasure as well, which makes total sense. I want one of these 3D clitorises. Norway. They also, for a long time, you guys, people from Norway, like, they are taught about pleasure at a very young age. Young kids are taught. Well, when you have sex, when you get older, yes, you should be safe. You should use protection. But also, you know, pleasure. Your body is important. It's important for you to experience pleasure. They say this to girls. They say to young girls and to young boys. So the reason why I think it's kind of at a tipping point now is because I think that there's so much porn and there's so much miseducation. So check out the blog, you guys. Let me know what you think about it and how we should deal with educating our youth here today. And happy masturbation month. Keep masturbating, keep talking about it. We all do it. We all masturbate, especially this month. So let's have some fun. And now we're onto your calls, which is my favorite thing ever. If you want to be called, you can go to my website and click on the Ask Emily tab, mark on the form that you'd like to be called. It's that easy. And I can't wait to hear from you. We have Lee. He's 60, from Indiana, and he's saying that his ED meds help, but still has difficulty reaching orgasm. Hi, Lee.

Hi, Emily. Thanks for taking the call.

Of course. Thanks for calling. So tell me. Tell me some background here. What's been going on?

Okay, so I'm 60 years old, great physical condition for my advanced age, and have a wife who's very willing and sexually active as well. But my problem is I've started to have some ED issues, and when I take Viagra, it just seems to have an impact on me, and I have difficulty achieving orgasm. The problem then becomes I'm able to continue, but I am so concerned that my lovely wife is just putting up with it until I can finish. And then, you know, you get it. You get into your head, and then the whole thing just becomes.

I get it.

More of it. I'm afraid it's. I'm afraid it's more of a chore and less pleasant for her.

Yeah, I get. And what does she say?

Oh, she's.

She's a trooper, you know, and she's always. She's always willing to help. And.

Well, it's.

Sometimes we'll finish with masturbation, and that's fine, but it's just not the.

I get it. I get it. And how long does it take when you're taking the Viagra for you to have an orgasm or ejaculation. Right. To have orgasm with ejaculation.

Yeah. Ejaculation, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah. I think probably, you know, 15, 20 minutes, something like that.

Right. And in the past, it was. Yeah, a lot.

Yeah. In the past it was less. I think the challenge is without the ED meds, then I'm constantly worried about whether I'm going to lose.

No, I get it. It's like. It's kind of like you might as well just take Viagra just to make sure it's like, one less thing to worry about. Now, what about testosterone?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I'm using a testosterone supplement.

Okay, what kind of supplement? Like, have you been to your doctor and got checked? Because there's some great, like, testosterone medication and supplements have come a long way. There's like, bioidenticals for men. There's different creams and patches, and you can get, like, the pellets, like these bioidentical pellets you can put in your back that dissolve. So there's some great solutions right now. Have you been to your doctor lately?

Yes, and I am using a bioidentical hormone cream. So, yes, I've had the appropriate testing and kind of now we know that the testosterone levels are where they need to be, which is great and not so great because it certainly accelerated my sex drive. But then you've got the performance issue on the other side. You know, this getting old stuff, it's not.

I know. It's not fun. I'm telling you. Every year. Right. There's something that's another thing. I get it. So I feel like. I mean, there's some things with ed, like, was it the kind of thing, like the ED was happening for a while, and then it just sort of, you know, and then you start taking Viagra, or was it like, right away you start taking Viagra right when it happened? Because I'm.

No. So started having some ED stuff, which led me through the testosterone, which then wasn't still kind of holding out, wasn't performing quite the way, had a lot of other benefits, but didn't have the sexual experience that I was looking for. And that's when I started in with the ED drug.

Okay. Do you mind taking Viagra if you didn't think that your wife was having a hard time with it as well? Like, how do you feel about taking a pill when you have sex every time?

No, I'm not crazy about it. You know, there are some weird sort of blood pressure y kind of things you can feel going on. And I just don't like the fact that, you know, you're supposed to take the meds and wait half an hour to 45 minutes. So it makes the whole thing rather programmed and not spontaneous.

No, I understand.

I think that that's the issue for me, I think, is it just makes it Feel like sex is now more of a chore than something that we can just spontaneously enjoy.

Well, I wonder if there's a way that you guys could take the pressure off both of you and just kind of start to enjoy it again with foreplay and not just penetration. Because I feel like if you took the pressure off, you're like, okay, the goal is not necessarily orgasm here. Cause you have the sex drive, right? I mean, you guys have the attraction, the chemistry. So maybe it's more about, like, playing around and, like, you're pleasing her and she's pleasing you. And then if you get soft again, you know, you please her, you watch tv, you go back to it. Maybe it becomes more of, like, this organic, playful thing where you're not feeling like it has to be all about penetration. Because let's say she gets off, right? She has an orgasm. You go down on her, use a toy, but then it comes back to you. If you're masturbating, can you maintain an erection? Like, if you guys do mutual masturbation, are you able to stay hard that way? It's just during intercourse that you have the ed.

Yeah, typically, yes.

And I think that has to do with the. You know, I'm not worried about your orgasm other than. Yeah, I'm not worried about her at that point. She's there, She's a partner. But I'm not just kind of torturing the poor woman.

I feel like there's a lot of pressure. So what I'm saying is I just want you to take the pressure off both of you. Because it sounds like if she gets off and she's happy, you'll. You'll be satisfied. And you know that you can get there as well. So maybe you can play around with, like, not using the Viagra each time, and then you're just sort of. Maybe there's some mutual masturbation where, you know, she's getting off and, like I'm saying. And then she comes back to you, and then maybe she finishes you with masturbation. And you can kind of see that you actually can get hard again without the pills. Cause I feel like it can become. You can become reliant on it. And so if you realize you can actually have enjoyment without just like the standard having sex for, you know, the intercourse, and you're pounding away at her and you feel like she's just. Because either way, even if she tells you she's in it and she's a trooper, you don't want to be having sex with your wife. Like, she's a trooper. And you already have that in your head. Because a lot of this is in our heads. Like so much of our sexual challenges are because of anxiety, because of worry, because of what happened last time. And we think it's gonna happen the next time. Right. And then people have like a lifetime of these things. So I'm saying if you guys could just both talk about it together and say, don't even worry about, you know, let's not worry about if I'm hard or not. Like, let's just engage in foreplay, like kissing, take a bath together, play with some toys, some, some fantasy play. Like just things that you haven't done before. And then, and then go back to like, you know, making sure she's pleased and then go back to like pleasing yourself during masturbation. She can do it with her hand, her mouth, and kind of like take a break from that for a while. Because I feel like no matter what, it's not going to feel great to you right now. Taking Viagra every time.

Well, I appreciate that. Thank you. That's good advice. Is it?

Have you heard this before?

Have you heard of guys having delay with Viagra?

Yes, absolutely. I mean, that is the thing with Viagra. So what I would also say is if you're okay. Yeah, this, this is the thing. It's like people who take antidepressants. Like, I'm no longer depressed, but I can't get turned on during sex. So Viagra, like you stay really hard lung, but it takes a long time to orgasm. It's kind of like, you know, there's always side effect. So I have heard this and I also think a lot of it. Again, it's what has happened in the past and that I think that like I have a book, I'm just looking at it here across the room. It's called hot sex. Over 200 things you could try tonight. And my point is that if you get something like that or you can buy like a sex game like my. There's different suggestions that you guys could have that you would open it to a page and say, let's try this position. Like let's tease each other tonight. Like. Cause a lot of it is not just about the in and out penetration. It's about other things you can do for intimacy. So you guys could do sensual massage together. You could tease each other. Like there's just a lot of other things that with sex that's not just penetration. And I think that once you guys start enjoying other things and you kind of grow what sex means to you, not just intercourse, that you can come back to intercourse, and you probably won't have as much of a challenge around it. You'll realize you'll get that confidence back, that, oh, we can actually enjoy this. You're not feeling like she's getting bummed out at you, you know? So I would just try to mix up the way you think about sex and try some new, fun things together.

Thanks. I'll follow your advice. I like that. Thank you very much.

You're so welcome. Lee. Good luck to you. Let me know what happens, please. You got this. Okay. Bye. Bye, Leigh. Thanks, you guys. This is the thing. I think a lot of our challenges around sex does arise in our mind. We think something happened before. We've never had an orgasm, a certain position, or we can't get hard without medication. And it's, you know, and it changes over time. As we get older, we have different bodily functions. And I just think the bottom line with sex is that even if you're just. You're falling into a routine, there's challenges. Just try to mix it up. I mentioned my book. There's also games out there you can play. Go shopping at a sex toy store. Anytime you bring something new into the relationship, Then you guys can focus on this new novelty, Something fun to play with, something that changes up your routine. And then you realize going into it, wow, there's something new to focus on. We're not going to obsess about whatever challenge we're having. And you'll realize when you circle back to that that it won't be as much of a problem anymore. Okay, we have Lisa. She's 32, from Scranton, Pennsylvania, and she wants to have the define the relationship talk, but doesn't want to come off as clingy. I hear you, Lisa. What's going on? It's never easy to have that call. Hi.

So basically, I've been dating this guy for a little over three months now. And I haven't been in a committed relationship for the past five years I've been dating. And this is really the first time that I'm starting to feel that itch to be a little something more. I haven't felt that in so long. We're both really independent people. And I'm so used to just kind of calling the shock, I guess that the fact that he's not bringing it up. And I kind of want to bring it up, but I don't want to sound, like, needy or clingy. I'm just not really sure how to do that without sounding that way.

No, I get it. I get it. I've been there, too. I understand being that girl here. Like, wait a minute. I'm the independent girl. Why isn't this guy doing it? I love it. He's challenging you, so this is good. But also, I think that. Yeah, I get it. Like, you know, you're cool, you're busy. You don't want to bring it up. You don't want to seem needy, be vulnerable. That's all a challenge. The thing is, you realize what you need right now and what you want. You've been with them for two months, or you think you do, right, and you just want to have a conversation. You just want. Have you guys had any conversations? Have you said anything like, hey, this has been fun, or, let's see each other for nights a week? Okay, so you've said a little bit of that, and you know that he's into it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't. I don't think he's dating anyone else or talking to anyone else, but I kind of. I guess I just need that confirmation, but I'm afraid to bring it up.

I know. I get it. And there's nothing wrong.

Okay, here's the thing.

You're taking care of yourself right now. So I think that the longer you don't bring it up, you know, it'll just wreak havoc. You'll start to, like, resent him. So I say, you know, you can come out very strong and not clingy with this and just say, babe, this has been. I'm enjoying this two months. I just think it's time we have that talk. I know it's silly, but we've been dating for two months, and I'm just curious, like, where do you see this going? I'm really enjoying it. And, like, just not making it, like, the talk. Even though in your head, you're, like, shaking and you're like, oh, my God, it's a serious thing. Like, I always say, do it in a casual environment. When you guys are, like, hanging out, having brunch, going for a hike, or whatever it is when you guys are the most chill, and you should be like, wow, it's been almost two months. This has been fun. So, like, let's talk about it. I mean, I think we're both having a good time. Are you. You know, let's talk about. Are you seeing someone else? I'm not seeing anyone else. What about you? Or are you seeing anyone else? Or, you know, what are you looking for now? This is the time when we got to talk about it. Because then you're not. You're opening it up. You're not saying if don't sleep with anyone else. I'm not sleeping with anyone else. Let's get married. Till death do us part. But I get that that's how it feels to you. But there's a way to make it not seem that way. So can you. Do you think you can do that and just be like, hey, let's check in. Like, after two months, I think that's you're feeling that you need to do it now, so it doesn't even matter. Like, if it was a week, I'd say, okay, I get it. But two months is legit. That's like.

Well, yeah, well, it's actually three months, but.

Oh, okay, dude, three months. Yeah, sweetie. And I get that it makes you really vulnerable, but I think this will be good for you. Because I think, like, what if he says to you, you know what? I actually am dating a few people now. I'm not sure about you. You know, then you know you have more information, and then you can talk about that. But. But for all you know, he's feeling the same way you are, and so you just. You gotta gather more information. Cause it's just. You don't need more time to go on playing it cool, waiting for him to bring it up. So I think, yeah, there's no time like the present.

Yeah, I always hear that. Oh, well, if a guy wanted it, he would have brought it up by now.

Like, that's what I. Yeah, those messages aren't necessarily true because he might have be thinking the same thing. Girls always bring it up. So actually that's not true. I think I've heard the opposite and neither one are true. So I think that he's probably might be waiting for you, but we won't know until you bring it up and you be the strong. And he'll probably be really relieved, because believe me, in this day and age, if it's been three months and you both met on Tinder, like, either he's thinking, here's a two. Here's two scenarios. He's either, like, hoping not to be. Not to put you in this place, but he's hoping you don't ask because he's actually dating a bunch of people, or he's relieved that you did ask because he wants some clarification as well. And either way, you're getting your answer and you're getting clarity. Yeah, life's too short to stay in this undefined place. You know, it was good for a while. Now it's not. Now you need some more information. And so you can do it in a calm way where you come off as cool Lisa, who knows what she wants.

Okay. Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, that feels good. Okay. You got this.

It's a skill.

It's this communication thing. But you just. You practice. You'll feel good about it. I promise.

Okay.

Okay. I will promise. Okay. Do it soon. It feels so good. Yeah, really? Like, you'll feel so much like ripping a band aid off, but you'll feel so much better.

And be sure.

Here's one more thing I want to say. A lot of times you're so nervous to have this conversation that he may like, oh, it's cool. It's cool, babe. We don't need to define it yet. Like, let's say he says that if you're like, okay, I don't want to talk anymore. I already brought up. I would say that this is when you got to keep talking. It's okay to ask for clarification. It's okay to say, you know what I heard you just say, because a lot of times these conversations happen, and we hear something completely different. So I'm going to give you this other tip. Say, okay, so you're saying I'm just gonna make this up. You're saying that you're actually not dating anyone else on Tinder right now or wherever, and you'd like to just be exclusive? Is that what I'm hearing? You say, like, repeat back what you hear so you make sure you're both on the same page, because there's a lot of couples who think they've had a conversation and they both hear something different.

Yeah, that's a good. That's good advice.

Okay. The rest is up to you. You got it. You got this. Trust yourself.

Thank you so much.

You're so welcome, Lisa. Have fun with this. Bye. I love the define the relationship question. I don't think there's any rules that he or she should bring it up first. I think it's when you feel that you need some more information to make you feel good in the relationship, then it's time to have that conversation. And I think it's also important to remember here that you need to clarify it and you need to have the conversation perhaps more than once. I think that sometimes we're just so relieved that we had the talk and we keep going. But I think the clarification part, and to have the strength to know that Asking for what you want and relaying what you want is actually coming from a place of strength and not a place of weakness. Those are some great questions. And when we come back, I'll be answering more. So thanks for supporting our sponsors. I'll be right back.

All right, we have Bree. She's 28 from Brooklyn, and she wants to know how to better educate our youth about porn. What a good question, Bre. What are we gonna do about it? How are you?

Hi. I'm good. Good to talk to you, Dr. Emily. Thank you.

Yeah, of course. Tell me what's going on.

Yeah. So I have had experiences with men who have been really into porn and I'm not into it because I recognize that the way it's affected their relationship is the sex is very friction based. It's not exciting, it's not personable. It's like they're mimicking what they've seen.

Right.

And I feel that that is something that affects people when they watch it. It's like monkey see, monkey do.

Exactly. You're right. So, okay, so, yeah, so you. And you see this direct correlation with the men that you've dated that are watching a lot of porn or just porn. You just frustrated with men in general right now or around porn. I understand.

Yeah, I think it's more the culture. I think it's the porn culture or the culture of people just being so involved in watching it and just like the importance of. In contrast with human. Human connection and curiosity.

Well, that's where. Yeah, I mean, so. So truly the question you're just asking, like, what do we do about. Yeah, I'm concerned about porn because I feel like for so many young people, that is the first thing they ever see. Right. Is people at the first sex education. They have education in quotes is watching porn and that's how they expect sex is going to be. And technically, we all know that porn is a visual medium that is just made for pleasure. It's not made to be instructional, educational, or tutorial at all. And how you get that message out to the youth of our world, you know, I'm doing the best I can here. I think that there's a lot of parents and educators and who really who feel the same way, because I have a problem with porn. Like, I think that it can serve a purpose. It can be very, you know, give you some good ideas. It can kind of inspire you, turn you on. But when you're using it as a roadmap for how you actually should be having sex, that's when we Have a problem. And also, the more and more you watch it, the more you keep escalating what you have to watch to get more of a hit, to more. Get more of an impact. And so you're right. It is about connection. It's about using your. Your mind and your brain's fantasy, you know, creating your own sort of images in your mind, but when you're actually having sex with someone, to make that eye contact, to breathe together, to connect. And I think that it's just another thing that's keeping us, you know, apart from each other. But I also recommend if people are into porn, like, I love. I did a show with Erica Lust a few weeks ago or maybe a month ago now. Who. She does, like, ethically produced porn. It's like, from, like, the female gaze, not from the male gaze. I think her porn is really beautifully shot and enticing and erotic. But I think, like, everything. Moderation with porn is best. But I think that for guys, it literally can be like an addiction that they have to, like, wean themselves off of it. But it's totally possible. I mean, I know. I know men who have made it a practice. They're like, okay, I'm going to maybe start with porn and not end with porn. Or I'm just gonna do it three times a week. But, you know, three times a week, I won't use porn. So does that answer your question? I'm just. I don't know how else. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I hear that.

I hear that. And I, you know, I think that there's definitely a place in the Tantra world to explore. Explore intimacy in any way. There are games. Like, I'm actually in the process of developing a game. It's a card game that's designed for people who are either in relationships or dating. And there's, you know, questions on the cards and playful prompts that are intimate and sexual.

I love it.

That invite this interaction, you know, So I think that that's something that will help.

I think so too. I love that. I love that you're doing a game. I think anything that can take couples like tantric sex is such a great practice. And I wish there was, like, another word for it because it freaks people out. But you're right. It's breath, it's connection. I love that you're doing a game because, like, hey, let's play this game. We don't have to talk about it, but this game will prompt us what to do. I mean, the more tools that couples have, people have to kind of Learn about sex in a healthy way, the better. And I'm definitely, like, working on my own stuff here. Cause I really am sort of with sex education right now and how we can help youth kind of get away from it. It makes me sad, you know, that that's. That women feel they have to act a certain way in the bedroom, and guys are confused by, you know, when they're not acting that way and they're just feeling pressure, and it just seems like it's taking all the fun out of sex. So keep doing it. Bri, I think that's great that you're even talking about this.

Thank you.

Yeah.

That'S what I think. Bri, let me know when your game comes out. I'd love to see it. I'd love to help you with it. Send it along to us. Yeah, keep talking.

I will.

Thank you.

You're so welcome.

Absolutely, Emily.

And then the guys that you're with, also let them know, too, that there's other options, you know, So I wouldn't just give up on them altogether, but there needs to be more people talking about this. So, yeah, keep fighting it.

Yeah, I love it.

Keep the conversation going.

I agree. I agree.

You're inspiring me.

I should have another podcast about it, too. I love it. Thank you, Bri. Have a great day. Okay? I will. I will. Thank you very much. Bye now. I've been talking about this. I've been doing my show for 13 years now, and I feel like that's probably about the time that porn started becoming more readily available on phones or, you know, online. So. And I. But I actually feel in the last year, there's been an even more heightened awareness around porn. And we just can't escape the impact that it's having on everybody. It's not even youth, which concerns me because it's the first, like, view they have of sex. But I feel like even men and women. But I hear it from men more who have been masturbating to porn, they just have to keep raising the bar and seeing things that are more and more sensational and things that they can't possibly recreate in real life with an actual human. And so it is scaring me a little bit. It's scaring me that for a lot of people, they think it's just easier to sit home and watch porn and roll over and fall asleep than having to actually meet a human and connect with them and learn how to navigate a new body and to feel pleasure and to ask for what we want. And so I have to say you guys, I'd love to hear from you. I don't know what you think we should do about it. I would love to, like, go around the world and lecture and talk to you about this and create other forums for people communicating. But just know that you're not alone if you've been feeling this way. If you have children, it's okay to talk to them about sex and to answer their questions about sex at the age that they are asking. If they're asking you at 6 years old, why does my brother have a penis? And why do I have a vagina? Then you answer them. Kids are seeing porn like, eight years old. Nine years old is the first instance of them seeing it. So, you know, you might think, oh, no, that's never gonna happen to my kid. But I guarantee you there's someone at school or someone's parents, you know, they got their hands on their phone or computer and they've seen it, and these are the images in their head. And it's okay to talk about it. And in a relationship, you don't have to settle for it either. If not that, you get mad at your partner. But there's. Because I know there's a lot of women who are like, I don't understand why he ever watches porn. And I'm telling you that men and women will watch porn in and out of a relationship. Healthy use of porn is fine in moderation. But if it has become a problem, it's okay to also talk about that and to seek help. So that's my thoughts on porn. Today we have Scott. He's 24, from Pennsylvania, and he wants his girlfriend to have sex with another man. Hey, Scott.

Hey.

How are you doing? I'm so good. Now that I'm talking to you. Tell me what's going on. We're talking about cuckolding here.

About cuckold.

We call it cuckolding, right? In the sense that you'd like to see your partner have sex with someone else and watch with another man.

Correct. And it's not in the sense of, like, I condone cheating or anything like that, but I just been having, like, this weird, I guess, fantasy where I get turned on by her. Like, I just imagine her being with someone else. And I just think it's kind of. It is weird.

I get that it's weird to you, but it's common. It's actually more common than you think. And it's not necessarily that unhealthy either, believe it or not. Like, I'm not going to tell you not to do it, you know, so. So tell me. Tell me a little bit more. So you've been having this fantasy and.

And, yeah, I.

Like, anytime I work up the courage to try to tell her or anything like that, I feel like she would look at me with three heads or any. You know, she'll find it weird. I mean, like, when you just first say that out loud, like, who wouldn't find it weird? But, you know, we haven't, I want to say, an average sex life, it's kind of hard because we are long distance right now. Just the fact that she's doing her.

Grad program for occupational therapy, and I'm a firefighter, and So I work 24 on 72 hours off. You know, it's. It's very hectic. Our schedule.

It sounds like it. How long have you been together?

Five years.

Okay. And has it been long distance for five years? Yeah.

And, like, before I, you know, we settled down and. Yeah, I even start thinking about any of that. I definitely do want to get all of our fantasies out of the way that way, you know, or. Or we could, you know, continue doing them. But I. I just would like to know, I guess, how to bring it up or, you know, if it is uncommon or common.

Yeah, well, yeah, no, I think it's great. This is a great call because it's actually. It's called cuckolding is what it's officially called. It's been around since the beginning, since people started having sex. That's like, C, U, C K O, L, D I N, G. And so basically, you're having a fantasy of seeing your partner with another man and so.

And watching.

And that can be like, for a lot of couples, if they're both on board, it can be kind of a part of their, you know, healthy, healthy fancy life. A healthy sex life. So the thing is, though, you could obviously do it unless she is on board. And so I understand that it's something you need to talk to her about. And I know that also is you're not even sure. You're like, oh, is it weird? Is it awful? It's definitely not, like, the most, like, common in the sense of, oh, I, you know, I want to spank you or something. But it's. It's also not as, like, fringe and out there and weird as you think. So the first thing I have to ask you is, in these five years that you've been together, have you guys talked about your sex life?

We do talk about it. I guess not as much as you would think.

Nobody Talks about it. So I actually don't assume that you talk about. People don't talk about it nearly enough. I guess what I mean to say is. Let me rephrase that. Have you guys talked about, have you shared fantasies with each other?

Not really. And it's really complicated because I. I feel like I have a way higher sex drive than she does. And, you know, she's just not into sex as much as I am. Where, like, if I had my way out to five times a week and you know, she would do once or twice.

Right. How often do you guys see each other, though?

We see each other probably for the past year. Probably like maybe a week, a week and a half out of the month. So seven, eight, nine days, maybe out of the month.

Right. And so that I can understand too, why you might be missing her a lot too. And you'd want to have more sex if you guys have never had been in a place where it's a regular, you know, you're seeing each other every day. Do you have any plans to be living in the same city soon where you would be able to kind of move it to the next level of the relationship?

Yeah.

So as soon, as soon as she's finished with her grad program, you know, we're gonna live together. We used to live together, like when we first started dating for the first two years. And then she had to move on with college and I got into the fire academy. So that's what happened.

Okay, but I'm just curious because a lot of times when people, I just ask, because people in long term relationships who don't have plans to ever live in the same city, I get concerned. I'm just like, you gotta either figure it out or break up. Because if it's gonna be long, you know, long distance, forever doesn't really make sense. So the first thing you have to do is, I think you, you don't lead with, I'd love to see having sex with other men. But you do have to lead with, let's talk about our sex life. You know, let's talk about fantasies or what turned you on. Like, do you fantasize? What do you fantasize about? Like, do you think that she masturbates when you're not together? Have you guys talked about any of that?

We have.

And it's a very. It's always the same thing over. It's a very brief discussion. Like she, she's scared to say her fantasies or anything. And I don't want to. I don't feel like I push her into sex or anything like that. You know, I'm very casual person, so it's.

Well, most people feel sometimes it's awkward. No, I get it, honey, because here's the thing. Most people don't talk about sex. And when they do, it's awkward and uncomfortable. So we're not taught how to talk about sex. So I totally get that it's awkward and that you're not, like a Bet. You're not, like, pushing her. You know, you sound like a really nice guy who. You have this fantasy that you want to share with the woman that you love. And so I think that. I think that you probably have asked her what turns her on, and she's like, oh, I don't know, we don't need to talk about this now. And the conversation's over. So I think that to get comfortable with this, you got to build up to this. You say, babe, I think about you when we're not together. I fantasize, and I want. I want to know, like, I want to get closer sexually. I want to know what kind of things that you think about. And now maybe she doesn't think about anything or she doesn't have fantasies that she wants, right? Well, there's a lot of women who don't have fantasies, and they actually don't even think about sex. So I think that there's some groundwork to lay here, and so maybe you guys could do some. Do you ever do any FaceTime calls when you're not together?

Yes, we do. Like, couple times a week. But, I mean, we're always. We're always texting, always on the phone. You know, we're always sharing each other's lives, right?

So, like, about how your day went. I think it'd be great to have, like, a call where you guys are like, you know, would you maybe even have a date? You're like, let's have, like, a fan. Like a FaceTime date. We're both, like, eating dinner, we're talking, and you could just say, I want to. Like, you know, you're the woman I want to be with, and I want to talk about our sex life. Like, I want to know, you know, what kind of things turn you on if you masturbate. And I've been thinking about the.

Some things, too.

And so I feel like you wouldn't lead with this, but you might tell her some things that you think about her, you know, that you think about her body when you're not with her. You think about having oral sex with her. Again, this Is this is one that she might be like, what? Because she's never heard of it, doesn't understand it, but I feel like there's just some communication work that you have to do here with her. And when you guys are together having sex, is it good? It's satisfying. Does she have orgasms? Are you.

She does have orgasms. But the thing is, sometimes I'll be going down on her and you know, she'll literally, she's almost to the point that she'll get there and then she'll like push me away and I'm like, you know, like to the point where she doesn't climax. And I'm a little like, maybe I kept on going or I shouldn't but like, you know, after five years I would know by now. And it's she. So I want to say 80% of the time, she always, as soon as she gets there, she like pushes me away.

Okay, what about during intercourse? Does she have orgasms?

Not as. Not as much. She'd like. We do like bring sex toys to the bedroom. But she, she's not, she's not one of those girls that.

Okay. And how old is she? She's 24.

Yep.

Okay, 24.

So I think that I love that you're having. You know that you are thinking about this right now because I think she needs some self pleasure, some masturbation. I'm gonna bring up this book again that I've been lately, I'd forgotten about, but it's such a good book. It's called Sex for One. It's by Betty Dotson. It's a great book for women to read if they have any shame or anything. Just about self love and masturbation. It makes them feel guilty. I think that it's really important for her to get in touch with her own body, her own sexuality. Like I would recommend if she's into porn, I love Erica. Lust makes really great porn that she could watch that would turn around so she could start to be feeding some fantasies. Because I feel like she's not where you're at sexually, that the fact that she's pushing you away during sex and that she's not really sure how to say just means that she hasn't had as much experience. And there's very common for women in their early twenties to just not be as open sexually. And so it's not like there's still some work to do and you can gently encourage her on her part how much you want her to see experience pleasure. Don't pathologize it. Don't make her wrong. Don't you need to do this, you need to that just say, babe, I really want you to have pleasure during sex. And you could even tell her listen to the podcast together next time she comes in town or. But there is some work that she has to do on her own to feel comfortable in her body and to be. To become more sexual and more confident. And so I think if you can start talking about that and empowering her and giving her tools and understanding that like masturbation is part of a healthy sex life, then you can work up to like, I think it'd be really hot to see you having sex with another man and to watch like. But I don't think that she's there yet from what you're telling me.

Yeah, definitely not. And that's what, that's what my main concern about. And if we do ever reach this, that point, definitely recommend no friends. No.

Right. Everything okay. Right. So no friends. Just like, you know, it also like explained her that like it's really just about having her experience so much pleasure that you just think that would be so hot to see her having sex with someone else. Like, it's just, it's your fantasy. It's like that it would be hot and yeah, no friends. She'd have to be 100% on board. You have to find someone that you both want to be with and it's about her pleasure. But she's not even there yet to be able to understand what you're talking about. Talking about. But I don't think you have to let it go yet. But this fantasy ever. But you need to work with her and see if she's willing to kind of start exploring her own sexuality. Especially because you guys aren't together all the time. So she's got plenty of time to do some hands on work.

I really appreciate it because it's like one of those really awkward things where like I, you know, I would like dream about it or like when, like when you watch, you know, porn and you see that kind of like role play and you're just like, wow, you know it's hot.

Right? No, I get it. It's really common porn.

And, and then, and like I'm like having these, these urges to kind of tell her, but I don't want to like, you know, freak her out. And like, I mean you can.

I know. Well, that's the thing. It's like I just think you got to start, push. I think you got to be brave and push the sex Talk like, like, I love you, babe. And having a healthy sex life is so important to me, and I feel like we have to make some inroads. It's been five years. It's so important to me that we start talking about what turns us on. If you don't know what turns you on yet and what feels good, I want to work with you on getting there, either alone or together. We could do mutual masturbation. We could watch porn together that we both find hot. Like, tell her that, like it's together, you want to work on it or encourage her on her own and then you'll get there quicker. But don't let this slide because it's been five years already. So now is it. You've nothing wrong with you bringing up that you want to have really healthy sex and communication around it. That's great. So start there and don't put yourself out for your fantasy because if you do, you lay the groundwork. You know, you'll be able to talk to her about it and you'll call me back when you guys get there.

Awesome.

All right, last question. I'm sorry I'm bugging you so much.

I'm here for you. No, I'm so glad to hear you, seriously.

So how do I push the next level as far as just, you know, instead of toys or anything like that? How can I spice it up after five years? I guess. Or, you know, bring something else to.

The table besides toys? I think. What do you guys go shopping in like up sex toy store together and buy some. Buy some. Like, you know, a lot of women love dressing up. She might feel great in some sexy. Like some sexy lingerie or role playing for words for women is really hot. Like talking dirty or reading erotica. Like, is she an intellectual? Maybe if you got some books, some erotica, and you read to her. Well, she took a bath and you massaged her feet and you gave her champagne and fed her strawberries. You know, I don't know what kind of fantasies, but if she. Let's say she read 50 Shades of Gray and likes it, well, then, you know, if that turned around, maybe she wants to be blindfolded. Like you got. You gotta have some information in these five years. And I would take whatever nugget you have. Like, think back to the best.

Ask her.

This is where you start. Ready, Scott? Say, babe, what was the most memorable time we've had sex? Ask her that. And when she tells you it was that time we were on vacation and we almost got caught when the. When the Bell hop came in or something. Then, you know, maybe she wants to be caught. Maybe there's some danger. Maybe she likes to vacation sex, so. Or you might even be able to.

Figure this on your own. She does, like, location sex, vacation sex. She does good. And it freaks me out sometimes because, like, there's one time where we got a little. A little tipsy, like in New York City at a Chinese restaurant. And she was like, hey, do you want to. In the bathroom? And I'm like, babe, there you go. Yes. But.

Maybe. I don't know.

Yeah, no, Scott, good, good. We're making such progress. So she's not so shy sitting there all alone. She wants. She needs a few drinks and she wants to have sex in the bathroom and get caught. Maybe she thinks it's really hot to have spontaneous sex. So maybe next time you guys are out, you want to grab her and like, have sex. I mean, it can be illegal to have sex outdoors, but, you know, maybe you have a picnic somewhere isolated and you have sex or go on a road trip or get out tell room next time she's in town because getting hotel room, just switching up the environment next time she comes to visit and like planning some things, you know, start asking questions and listening to the answers and then build from there.

Awesome.

Okay, so this is good, Scott. We made progress, but don't back off of this. I think this is good. We made some progress. Yes. Yeah, she's fun.

She wants some sex in the bathroom. I appreciate it, Emily. Yeah, you're literally awesome. I look with you, like, anytime you put out a new episode.

Thank you, Scott. I appreciate it.

I'm here for you.

You gotta keep me posted on this one because you're gonna get further on this. It's a project, but it'll be fun. It's really important work.

Okay, no problem. Definitely. We'll see you next week. We'll see if we can stick it out.

Yay. Let me know how. Seriously, let me know how it goes. Send us an email. Okay? All right, Scott, have a great night.

Thanks.

Bye.

Okay, guys, as you can see that communication is a lubrication. You guys gotta just talk. Just keep talking to your partner about sex and don't let them get away with the. I don't know. I haven't thought about it. I mean, if you've been with someone a while, invest in getting to the bottom of your sex life. Figuring out what turns you both on might take a while, but you guys, it's like, I would say it's the most important work you can do. And this is fun. Maybe you find some erotica you like to reading together. You like, you know, role playing or dressing up. A lot of us don't know what our fantasies are because we don't even know what's on the menu. So the more options talk about, the more you explore together, the more you get drunk and have sex in a bathroom. I don't know, figure out what turns each other on, the better sex you're gonna have.

That's just the truth, people.

So have that talk right now.

Today. Tonight.

Do it. Hey everyone, thanks for listening to the show. Thanks to my amazing team. Ken, Jamie, Jenny, our volunteers, Sarah, producer Lark and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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