Manatoriums, Moaning & First Message Mastery

Stop what you're doing and listen closely because Bellesa and I are giving away free spicy toys or gift cards to every single one of you. That's right, everyone who signs up wins something. And if you haven't heard of Bellesa, let me put you on. They're a bi woman for everyone company that's completely flipping the script on sexual wellness. And now they're hooking you up. You've definitely seen Bellesa's viral toys all over your for you page. Like the rose, it blew up for a reason. This little flower shaped suction toy is iconic. Or. Or their famous whisper collection. You know, the first fully ever silent vibrators. If you live with roommates, parents, or even if your partner is sleeping right next to you, these toys are silent without compromising power. Or their new Pebble Pro. They just one up their best selling pebble with a stronger, smarter and seriously spicy redesign. Ballast has somehow figured out how to engineer a one stop pleasure shop with three interchangeable heads. It sucks. It humps. It licks. It vibrates. I'm speechless. And of course, I had to hook all of you up. So my friends at Bellesa are sending out free toys or gift cards for toys to everyone who signs up. You heard that, right. Every single one of you wins something. Just click the link in the episode description or head to bbvibes.com Emily that's B B V I B E S.com Emily. Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Okay, today's show, I'm very excited because we're taking your calls. That's right. Answering your questions live. And I'm so, so excited. So the topics include when should you take a manatorium, you know, a break from men? How long should you really wait to have sex? When is a good time to tell your partner about your sexual needs? So thanks everyone for listening.

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cuz my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standard.

Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

Foreign.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sex with emily.com where you can check out everything. There you can easily subscribe to the show. We so appreciate when you subscribe on itunes and review us. You can also listen on Spotify and Soundcloud and all those places. It just really helps the show and you subscribe and it makes it easier for you.

And it makes it a lot easier for you because it actually keeps your place in the episode. So if you have to run into the house or you have to stop listening for whatever reason, you push pause. And it's there for you when you do that.

Exactly. And if you don't subscribe, you can't go back to where you are.

You can go back to the beginning.

Also check out. You can follow me on all social media exwithemily across the board. I've really been enjoying Snapchat lately and Instagram stories and all that stuff. And facebook.com sexwithemily Anderson, good to see you.

Good to see you, Ems. Looking good as always.

Thank you, honey. You too.

Thanks.

Happy October.

Happy October.

And you know, this month is all about freaky stuff like Halloween. People are into like costumes.

So fucking weird, man. Because like, it's all like rotting corpses and the devil and. And you know, ghouls and skeletons all over the place.

Right.

And then like six weeks from now it's all like cupids and angels and majors.

What would aliens think? I don't know if they can get down from the plant. Another.

It is really odd that it's like polar opposite six weeks apart.

It is odd. You're right. And I like Halloween. But we.

You get to dress like a slut.

Dude. I do that every day. But here at Texas Emily, we decided that we're gonna go in the other direction of freaky. And we're taking the freak out of freaky sex.

Love it.

You know why? Because people feel so much shame. You hear our callers and our listeners. Confusion, embarrassment about what they want behind their bedroom doors with their clothes. And I don't want you guys to feel bad about what turns you on. I don't. I'm the least that. You know.

Yeah, you do not. She really.

I never say a bad word. I don't judge. I don't. I'm open. And I want you to fully embrace yourself too. And we're looking at ways you embrace yourself.

It's like confession almost. And you're going to make them feel like not guilty. It's like the opposite of confession. They're going to come confess to you and you're going to go, you're great, my child. Yeah. You don't have to do any. Whatever Rosemary is or what do they do? What do they do in Catholic. Yeah, I'm not. I'm not. Hell, you don't. No. No Hail Marys for you actually go.

Home and do.

Rosemary.

Not a Catholic person.

Right, Exactly. Bloody Marys.

I've never done confession. I kind of. I want to do that one day.

But we're looking at all ways, you know, this month that you explore sexuality, fetishes, fantasies. No matter what you're into, it's all good. And we don't judge. So check out the website for blog, social media. All about things kinky and things interesting and things sexual. We won't judge you. And we're doing a month. I keep saying that because I won't.

Come confess to Emily and she'll send you off to have like two. Two bloody marriages.

Well, it's not a confession. Here's the thing. Doing a month long giveaway. Just all you gotta do is email. You can be a confession if you want, but what's your hottest fantasy? Like that one go to thing that always turns you on. Email me feedbacksexwith emily.com and you can win three. One of three sexy prizes. Of course one is an original magic magic wand. And we got a few others it's gonna be.

You can name. It's original.

The original baby.

So is it used?

Yeah, it's my og.

It's not your original.

Yeah, it comes in a plastic bag, ziplocked, steam wrapped, freeze dried.

You know what, I hate to say it, but that one probably would be worth more with your audience.

Do you think I could sell it on ebay?

Absolutely.

Maybe buy a house eventually.

I don't know about house and let's not get ahead of ourselves, but I think you could sell one of your own personal used vibrators.

I have so many in the garage if you want to use.

What are you doing?

Well, I mean, because I didn't have room in the house for all of them. I have to get rid of the ones I don't use anymore. But that's neither here nor there. How are you doing, Anderson?

I'm doing good. My baby is probably here.

Right.

And my other moment, which is nice.

Of you to do the show where your wife's in the hospital.

Isn't that nice? Do any minute she's, she's. Yeah, he, he could be here right now. I wouldn't even know. Actually, my phone's on vibrate so it might buzz at any minute here. And Also groupers, the movie.com is live and it's going very, very well and I could use your help. And you have a perk on there too, Em. I do come have brunch with Emily and her team and I. Yep, it's.

Going to be fun. We are doing a special brunch. We'll have some bloody Marys. Speaking of which, mimosas, thank you so.

Much for being a part of this.

Of course. Anderson. I'm so, I'm always supportive of you and so happy for you.

So there's very few, very limited number of perks for the lunch with Emily and it is a little pricey, but it's good because we're going to show you a good time. I'm going to pick up the tab and we're going to have mimosas and talk sex and relationship and move back and it's going to be really.

I'm going to give you a used vibrator.

No used vibrators. All New vibrators.

Such a good idea. I was going to bring a new.

One, but there's tons of little, little fun, easy perks too. If you just want to give a couple bucks. Every bit counts. Groupers, the movie dot com. Thank you so much for helping me, everybody. The movie's important, too. It's gonna be an important movie. It's all about homophobia and gay bashing and hate speech. And I even talk about squatters rights.

Wow, Anderson. So political. I'm really proud of you. I really am. We talked a lot about you doing this, and this has been a big year for you.

You've been a huge part of this, Emily, and you've been such a great support all this. You're so. Every time I'm feeling down, I'll talk to Emily about, you know, the process and she's like, you're doing so good. You're just. You're great. So thank you very much for being my friend and for helping me with all this. And I really, really mean that. You're the most supportive person other than my wife in my life. You really are.

That's so nice.

You're number two. You're the second most supportive person. I hope my mom never hears this, but it's true.

That's really sweet. I almost got cried if I was a crying.

You actually are tearing up a little bit.

A little bit. That's really sweet, Anderson.

Having your period?

Because I just believe. No.

Is it because you're having your period?

Is that why I'm PMSing right now? No, I'm actually not, which is weird because I usually don't cry. Oh, Anderson, I've always. I love you. You're very supportive as well. You're a great friend.

Let's talk sex.

Let's talk sex in the news.

You got me Sex in the news.

Sometimes I cry during sex.

I do have sex in the news. Okay, yes, I've got some sex in the news. All right.

Which political party hates condoms, loves one night stands, and oh, so much more. There's an infographic from Skin Condoms which breaks down sexual habits of both political parties. We are in the political season. It's great. It's great now, but which party are you in? If you're a condom hating one night stand, having threesome loving, sexual tyrannosaurus, you can't be placed in normal societal buckets.

What?

I don't know. Who are you? So here we go. It's the 2016 Millennial Sex Survey election edition. This is from Skin Condoms, which are actually My favorite condoms.

Right, Skyn? Skyn.

Yeah. You've learned so much on this show. Okay. 60% of Democrats use condoms versus 46% of Republicans. This is real, dude. When it comes to role play, Democrats prefer to play sexy strangers while Republicans prefer to play out a sexy stripper scenario. Would you have thought that.

Yes.

You would have thought sexy strippers.

I would have thought that. Because conservatives don't take this the wrong way. Conservatives who may be listening. But I think of you guys as being a little less creative.

Yeah, I hear what you're saying. Maybe that doing the strangers, they're like, I know you're not really a stranger.

Just give me the Strip.

Here's 10 bucks.

Give me the steak. You know what I thought of skin should do. They could do. They. They have like color coded condoms. And you don't tell your partner if you're a Democrat or a Republican till after sex. And you pull out and they see if it's a red condom or a blue condom and they're like, oh, you're a Democrat. I had no idea.

And Right.

It's a color coded condom. That'd be fun.

I like the alliteration.

And you don't see it. Color coded condom. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, so. But thank you for that.

I can't believe a Republican was just inside of me. Get out.

I know, exactly. It happens. Independents are most likely to be bisexual and bipartisan. We get it. Sometimes you just can't choose a size.

Right.

Think outside the ballot box. Being conservative doesn't mean you're not adventurous. More Republicans and Democrats reported having sex in place outside the bedroom. Would you have thought that Farms, pool, plane, car park car and church.

Church. Dirty Republicans banging in church.

Well, you know, sometimes you hear these stories about the ones who are.

I actually got a little action in a church parking lot once and I. I'm not a religious person at all, but I felt awful.

I feel awful now.

Yeah.

That just feels wrong.

It was. It felt very wrong.

Although we used to hook up with like bar mitzvahs and stuff in the temple. No. When I was 13 I didn't. But like trying to think about anything bad.

What about cemetery? Ever do anything?

No, no, no. That doesn't interest me at all.

No.

Death and sex.

Yeah. Weird.

Trying to think if I didn't know. It doesn't matter. Religious stuff. No, that doesn't even. I lose my boner if I could get one.

Evidently Republicans are banging in the churches.

They're banging the churches. So 1 8. Only 64% of sexually active millennial Democrats have had a 18 stand compared to 56% of sexually active millennial Republicans.

Wait, wait, what was the percentage there?

64 Democrats, 56. I don't know the size of your election. 33% of Democrats, Republicans and Independents report having an above average sized penis. 1/3 overcompensating for tiny hands isn't limited to one party.

I get it. Because of Mark Rubio.

Trump.

Yeah, Trump and Rubio were going back and forth on penis.

Right. It's a good time in America.

I'm gonna be hung up on this Republicans banging in churches thing. I guess they spend so much time in church as it is. It's just a matter of time.

You might as well just have sex right now outside the church. But you know what, speaking of sex in the news stories that kind of like. Stick with me. I know you have one too. The Swedish.

Yeah, the Swedish. Eye contact masturbation. Got off scot free because he wasn't.

He didn't make eye contact.

Making eye contact as he beat off at a public beach.

We had one a few weeks ago about how dirt this is. Like, everyone knows this, but for some reason reading about like the dirtiest places, like the bathrooms on airplanes. So I've been flying a lot lately, and I'm not usually one of these, like, anal, like after, like everything. I mean, I wash my hands, but I'm like, I'm literally in there, like, holding my breath. I paper the whole walls and toilet paper. I don't touch anything.

You paper the walls.

I like put paper down everywhere. And then I leave the bathroom. The whole airplane is so dirty.

Crazy prisoner.

Because I feel like I didn't get sick.

Okay.

So I feel like that grossed me out.

But the idea of people banging in there just.

No, it wasn't. I don't even know if it was a sex news story about the dirtiest places to have sex and then just talked about all the. Like, that. That is the dirtiest.

It is.

And then I've been flying so much.

The airplane bathroom is the dirty.

Dirty by going to the bathroom. Yeah, so don't do that.

I would think like in the back of a garbage truck would be dirty.

Yeah. But people don't do that often. Okay, to wrap up our story here about Republicans. I mean, Republicans, Democrats and sex. There's one thing we can all agree on. Millennial Democrats, Republicans and Independents all say their top qualities in a partner are being attractive, playful and funny. We all say that, don't we?

Well, yeah.

See, we're all alike.

Yeah, we're all alike. We all like things that are attractive. All right.

And funny. Okay, now we're gonna give a little shout out to our sponsors. Thank you, everybody, for supporting our sponsors and supporting us and the show. We love you. We'll be right back.

My friends at Joe recently asked me which of their products was my favorite. Obviously, that's really hard to say. They have so many options. I mean, am I supposed to pick the organic? I mean, I like that. The salad, silicone, the flavored. So they're watching me struggle to pick just one. And then they interrupted and said, okay, Emily, if you could make your ideal lube, what would it be? Well, what a question. But then it got intense. They said they would actually make it. That's right. They would make a lube that I want. This is literally a dream come true for me. So I said yes, but on one condition. They had to consider your input as well. So here's the deal. I need you to help me create my dream lube to be a part of my dream team. Go to sexwithemily.com dreamlube and take our short survey. With your input, Jo will create the next great lube in their amazing lineup. To Sweeten the deal, Joe is giving away prize packages to 10 lucky participants. I know you're thinking, but, Emily, that's going to take a while, and I need lube now. No problem, hot pants. Go to my store on sexwithemily.com and shop the entire Jo collection, including the amazing Natural Love USDA certified organic family. Couldn't be any easier. Buy Joe Lube for now. Take the survey to create my dream lube for later. It's all on sexwithemily.com right now. Okay, Anderson, I'm excited. This is the first show. We got calls set up.

I know. I missed. I miss calls so much. I miss the calls from the Loveliness.

And actually, Drew was on the show a few weeks ago, and he's like, this is fun. You gotta take college.

You know what? This reminds me? The basically bell that you got for Mike and Drew back on Loveline. Days of the infamous, like, famous basically. But I have it. You got it for them. I have it.

It says, ring bell for sex.

And that is going to be up for grabs to a random person who donates to Groupers, the movie dot com. The actual bell.

You can put it, basically.

Yeah. It's like a conversation piece. It's actual piece of history that right now, if you go to groupismovie.com, that is. And you can contribute anything. You will be in the drawing.

I'm going to use vibrator with that too.

No used vibrators, but basically bell is up for grabs for Loveline listeners.

We hated the basically valve.

Every time I hear basically, I hear ding.

I know.

I still do.

Okay, that's a good one. All right, we have our first call. We've got Kelsey, 21, from California, and she wants to know when to take up Manatorium, which is a coin that I turned a while ago when I was going to give up men for a while and take a break. I did, I did turn the coin. Okay, so after getting out of an unsatisfactory relationship, a friend suggested that Kelsey takes a break from guys as a sexual cleanse for the fall semester. And she wants to know if it works and how to get through it. Hey, Kelsey.

Hi. How are you?

I'm good. How are you?

I'm good. Yeah.

So tell me about this sexual cleanse.

Basically, I was riding in the car with my friend. She was like. Because after I broke with my boyfriend, we like, I did the Tinder thing for a little bit and that just was a disaster. Right, so how many times, how many.

Times did you have sex, though, before you realized it was a disaster on Tinder?

Oh, like five.

Okay.

Okay. All right, thanks. That's Anderson, by the way. Okay, so, okay, so you went out with a bunch of guys in Tinder, you're driving with your friend, and you're like, you know what, Tinder kind of sucks. And she's like, take a section. Yeah.

So she was like, why don't you just like. She was like, you just got out of a three year relationship. Like, why don't you just take a break and kind of figure out like. Because I was like 18 at the time and now I'm 22. And so she's like, that's a big change. Why don't you just take a break and kind of figure out what the new plan is? So since I moved from Southern California to Northern California, she said, why don't you take this first semester at your new school as just a break to just work on just you and like, not only not date anyone, but avidly say no to anyone.

So I was like, okay, I can do it. And she's like, okay, so we have a 16 week bet, and now we're on week seven and. Yeah.

How's it going?

It's hard. It's hard when I go home and visit people like here, I don't know anyone, but when I go to Southern California. It's like all the old, like, flames come back kind of.

Right. Okay.

So that's hard.

Well, okay. So, you know, I don't know if you. I didn't. You're Originally. I don't know if you talk about the Manatorium, but I actually did this a few years ago, and I said I'm going to take a break from men because I felt like it was just getting unhealthy and I was going from guy to guy, and so I wanted to make sure that you. So did this sound like the right thing to you? Like, are you. I agree that after three years in a relationship and you're 18 to 21, those are really young, formative years. And it's great to just kind of take a break and take some time to get to know yourself out of a relationship. So I think that's good advice. But to completely, you know, how does it feel for you to not be dating anybody else at all? Like, to not be dating and not. I mean, is not dating part of this?

Yeah, not dating is part of it, too. Yeah.

Well, right now I kind of feel like it's making me a little bit more lonely than I normally would be in a new place, because I could, like, go out and date and, like, get to know people that way. And so now it's kind of like I have to focus on, like, just friendships and not so much as, like, having, like, that person.

Right. Um, I get that. See, here's the thing. I think it's. See, my advice would be, I'm all for, like, just dating. I get Tinder can be, like, when you first go on Tinder, and it's like, all those people and you get frustrated and not calling you back or you're having sex with them, that could be a bit much. But I think that maybe there's a happy medium here where you could go on dates with people and you could still meet people and you just, like, maybe knock into a relationship and, like, kind of take sex off the table. Because I agree. If you're a new city, new town, and your first freshman year of college, or. No, your 21.

So a junior. Yeah.

It's like. So I feel like. What'd you say?

Yeah, guys love that.

What?

When they take sex off the table, they love it.

No, but you don't have to say that. I'm just saying that you could just kind of say, you know what? I'm not going to sleep with someone right away. So maybe for you, that might be just, like, you don't tell them on the first date. Like, I'm not sleeping with anybody. I'm saying, in your brain, you just think, you know, I'm just going to date a few people right now and not get into a whole, like, serious relationship again. I think there's kind of a happy medium if you're feeling lonely at school. I mean, what do you think about that?

Yeah, that. That definitely sounds like a better idea.

Yeah.

Like, instead of isolating myself from men in general, just kind of taking it easy and slow.

That doesn't. Yeah, because this doesn't seem healthy to me. I mean, I get it. Your friend wants to be helpful. Maybe at the time, you were like, God damn it. These Tinder and these men. But I feel like, you know, new town, you want to eat men and women. Like, why take. Why take men off the table? Right. It's like 50% of our culture there. You got to meet some people, make some friends. What do you think, Anderson? Why are you laughing?

Because. Yeah, you can't just take men on because it's half the population.

It is half the population. And, like, friends. I have a lot of really good guy friends that I've met in college that I did not sleep with. Some I did. They still became my friends. But the point is, I feel like you're putting a lot of restrictions on yourself, and you're in a new town.

Do you think you can actually go out on dates and see guys and not have sex? Are you gonna be too tempted? Is it gonna be too tough to keep that.

Going?

I think I can. It's hard when I feel like that's all the guy wants is. So that's like. I guess it's a good way to weed things out or weed guys out when I'm. Yeah, like, no, that's not happening.

And I think if you were to date, like, four or maybe, like, you know, a couple, two, three guys at the same time, just keep it completely. Not platonic, but, like, not be thinking about sex and not be thinking about the next move and be clear with them. And you'll weed out the bad guys for sure. And I think you might actually be able to focus a little bit more on things that are probably as important as sex that you might not be able to focus on if sex is always at the end of the date, Right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And, Kelsey, that makes a lot of sense.

Yeah. I think, Kelsey, that you also don't want to put too much pressure on yourself either. Like, if you do sleep with someone, that's fine. You're not doing anything wrong. You're not like a sex addict. You haven't hurt anybody. Like, you know what I mean? It's fine. So I think go a little easy on yourself, but I think it's great that this is in your consciousness right now, that you know that you don't want to jump into anything and just, you know, have some fun and go easy on it and. Yeah, don't try jump into anything right now. You're good.

Have you. Have you noticed that since you've been doing this, you're six weeks in, right?

Seven.

Seven.

Yeah.

Congratulations. Have you been looking at porn more often or being with yourself more often since you started this moratorium?

Yeah, my friend handed me a vibrator when she was like, we're doing this for 16 weeks. And I was like, okay. So, yeah, that's good.

Hey, I'm not gonna knock masturbation at all, but I don't know this friend. She's got it. I don't know. I just don't like that she's. She's the one who's putting this down. If it doesn't feel great to you.

That'S what girls do. Like, they get together. There's a Seinfeld episode all about this. It's great. Except it was about masturbation. They didn't even let themselves masturbate.

So, Kelsey, just be a little kinder to yourself. And I think it's important. Just go out and make some friends and just get to know guys. Okay, let us know.

Yeah, that'll be helpful in a new city.

We'll enjoy the Bay Area. I love it. So. Okay. Thanks for calling.

Thanks for your advice and.

Yeah, you're welcome. Thank you. Bye.

She wanted to say something. I could tell.

Bye.

Oh, did you want to say something, Kelsey?

She had something else.

Oh, nope. Just. Just thanks for calling me and giving me this advice, Anderson and Emily, you're so welcome.

Hang out in the gay section. It'll be easier for you to not bang.

Yeah. Miss her.

Yeah, exactly. Go easy on yourself. Okay. Bye, Kelsey.

Yeah, thank you. Bye.

Bye.

Nice. Is that your first call in a long time, right?

That first call? Yeah.

So that was a success.

That was a success.

First call in the new studios.

I know. I'm very excited this is happening. And so, people, we have a new. I think we. We have a way you can do it on the.

Yeah. How do. If people want to be a part of the program, how do they do that?

They go to the Ask Emily tab on the website, and then there's a. When you send in your emails, because, you know, we get hundreds of emails a day. You could just tick the button that says yes. I'd like to call into the show.

I'd like to be a part of the program.

I'd like to be a part of the program. And for years I've been wanting this to happen consistently.

It's a great question, too. I like the idea of. Maybe it's because I'm a married guy and I'm not out there playing the field anymore. And I know it's a selfish. Selfish of me, but I like the idea of a young girl not having sex in the city.

I know.

I like that.

I like that.

Sixteen weeks of clean.

I like that too. But I didn't like that her friend. It sounded like it was a lot of her friend and the pressure and the friend getting mad at her. And so I liked Happy Medium.

Yeah. Her friend was like, we're doing this. And how quickly does that relationship end when she finds out that her friend is banging left and right?

I just think that when you do these kind of things, you have to do. Sometimes it's good to be accountable, held accountable by a friend. But I. Being in New City, it can be lonely.

The way that she said it, too, the way that she set it up is like her friend comes in and says, we're doing this. Here's a vibrator. That's it.

I didn't like that, but, you know, I did a manatorium. I kind of alluded to that, but I did call it a manatorium. And it was probably about six years ago, and it was while I was doing the show and I was just going from guy to guy to guy, right? And I just felt like I'm going to do. I think it was six. No man, no dating. It was actually. It was healthy, but I was a different phase of my life.

Did you miss. Did you miss the wean?

No, you didn't?

What? That was pretty quick, Em. I believe that you didn't miss that dick too much.

It wasn't even that I was like, sleeping around so much. It was that I'd been in, like, a lot of intense relationships and emotionally drained. Taking your own advice. I really had always been in a relationship since I was like 16, right. And I thought, not anymore. Take a little break. And I did learn.

Did that break the cycle for you? What, when you took that break?

Yeah, it did. And I haven't dated since I was 10 now. It just made me realize that, like. Because, like, she was saying it. When you're used to being someone, your brain kind of has, you know, you loop to like, you know, friends, food, eating, work, school, boy, girl, like, no general, like sex, boyfriend. And when you don't have that, you realize that it's so consuming.

Yeah.

Even if, you know, I wasn't working on myself.

Like I was saying to her, like, if, if, if you know it's off the table for yourself, you're not, you know, you're gonna be able to focus on other things. He doesn't even have to know necessarily. You just know that that's not an option for you and it's gonna help you, I think, focus. I know that I would be so much more clear headed if I went into like dating thinking, all right, this is not going to end tonight in sex. It's not going to. Instead of. Because you know when a guy goes.

Out with you, like that's always thinking.

About once every 20, 30 seconds he's thinking, all right, is that a good move? Are we getting closer?

Especially guys in their 20s. Well, I think always. Right. Okay, we're going to take another call.

Call time.

All right, our next call is Sydney. She's 21, she lives in New York and she wants to know how long to wait before having sex. She's looking for advice on new relationships. Should you wait to see if there's a spark before jumping into bed? And if so, how long should you wait? Okay. Hey, Sydney.

Hi, Emily.

I love your show.

Thank you, thank you so much. Thanks for calling in. This is our first call show. So I'm excited that you're. And I'm here with Anderson.

Hi, Sydney.

Hi, Anderson.

This is exciting. So, okay, so I just gave a little synopsis. So did you want to add anything to that?

No, I think I pretty much covered what I wanted to talk about.

Okay, so you want to know how long to wait before having sex? I feel like. Okay, so there's a lot of different schools of thought around this, but I think that there's no harm in waiting to have sex.

Right.

I understand when you first meet someone, the sparks can be flying, but oftentimes we sleep with people way too quickly and then we get attached to the sex and then we can't see like the red flags waving in the distance or whatever, you know, going on. And I feel like when you jump right into sex, it just kind of can take away some of the getting to know each other and the buildup and the excitement. And a lot of times waiting to have sex is like the Best part. Not the best part, but it's like, really? I think it is. The anticipation can be very exciting when you're meeting someone new. So I think, yeah, I think it's best to wait as. As long as feels right to you. But again, I don't believe also that there's rules. Like, you know, a lot of people see people on the first date, but that's great too, I think, if you want to know. Typically, I think it's great to wait until you know someone a little bit.

Okay. I usually get bored around the three month mark, so I was wondering if there was a way to tell maybe if.

You can wait it out before you actually sleep with them or sleep with them and then see what happens afterwards.

Oh, interesting. So you're saying you wait, she goes.

Three months without having.

Wow, Cindy, that's. That's great. You wait three months?

Yes, yes.

Are you dating priests?

No, I am not.

I think that three months. I mean, I think that then. Okay, so there are some schools of thought that do say like, wait three months or wait until you're committed. And, um, I think that three months. How often have you been seeing these people? Like, how many dates would you say?

Maybe once a week, Twice a week?

Yeah.

And is it typically like there is a spark but you're waiting for like this just a reason for more days to go by, or is it that, you know, why are you typically waiting, you think?

I think I'm just very. I'm one of those people who's extraordinarily picky. So if I see something that doesn't sit right with me, I wait to see if something else just like that's gonna happen.

This is a different scenario.

She's sitting around waiting for him to screw up.

You're waiting for the other shoe to drop. Yeah. So now I'm thinking that you are maybe waiting too long to have sex.

I'm not sure how you.

So how's that working with the guys? Are they giving you guff? Are they giving you grief? Or are they trying to make moves on you? Is it. Is it causing any issues that way?

Yes, it is kind of causing some issues with some people. With other people, they kind of don't care.

Yeah. Okay, so what's gonna happen? Emily is sick. When Sydney finally ends up with a guy, she's probably gonna find a guy who has a very low sex drive who can deal with this.

Yeah. You know, I feel like you. I mean, do you. Do you get intimate with them? Do you have like.

Yes.

Okay, so you have to do everything but sex.

Right.

Okay. I mean, I think you. Even by then, though, you could probably tell if you. If you like them or not. But I'm curious why you're looking for all these. These. You know, you're assuming that everyone's gonna screw up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know why I look for it. I. I really don't know. I mean, I wish I could answer that one.

Have you always been like that, Sydney? Yes, I. I feel like there's probably something from her earlier years, childhood.

Your parents. Are your parents still together?

No, my parents have been divorced a very long time.

Right.

Did you, like, catch your dad cheating on your mom or something like that?

Yeah, I did.

Yeah.

You did? Yeah.

I mean, so it's trust issues that she probably has to work out because she doesn't. I feel like if I was a girl, I. Sydney, I would totally wait a very long time before I let a man enter me so I. I can. Emily, I think that you. It's a much different thing for a lady to allow a guy. So it sounds like something that's something you need to work out with a little therapy.

Yeah. I mean, Sydney, have you been in a serious relationship before?

Yes.

Okay. Like, how long of a relationship?

Almost two years.

Did he cheat?

I didn't.

Did he cheat?

Did he cheat? I don't believe so.

Okay. She doesn't totally trust that guy.

Yeah, see, I think she can totally trust anybody. Here's the thing. You're 21 years old.

29.

You're 29. Because you just sound like more of a mature woman. I could just tell. So I think that. Yeah, therapy. I'm telling you, Sydney, we all have patterns in relationships. We can. Our parents, they do the best they can. What happens in our early relationships in life, they form who we are. And if you realize this pattern's happening, you're dating guys and it's taken long. It's not even about how long you're waiting. I think it's about the stuff that you're feeling about any new guy. Like, it doesn't matter who it is. Have you been in therapy before?

Yes.

Okay.

You've talked about this stuff, and it's come up.

Oh, it's come up plenty of times. We are still kind of fishing through it.

Can I just say this? I have friends of mine, actually, somebody. I'm not gonna name names, but very, very close friends. Person in my life has given up on relationships entirely because he did not like being hurt the one time that his heart was Broken. And he decided no more for me. And he. He's alone now. He's probably gonna be alone for the rest of his life. And it's tragic, and I'm very sad for him, and I wish I could help him. And it sounds like you're kind of on the same path, but you're doing better than my friend is because you're actually out there and dating people. But you're really, really worried about getting hurt. And that's something that you have to work on.

Right. And part of being close to someone is learning to be vulnerable and you're going to get hurt. But it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and that you are like, you know, you're dating people, they're not being abusive towards you, and you're actually the one who's deciding that you don't want to be with them. So I would say that maybe you have to open up a little bit and let yourself become. Not all relationships are going to be.

Perfect and you're going to get hurt.

Yeah, exactly.

We're all going to get hurt.

So thanks, Sydney. Keep us posted how it goes. And thanks for calling in.

I appreciate it, but three months is too long for.

Yeah, thanks.

Thank you. Bye.

Bye. Thank you. Bye.

Em, you ever. You ever been in a relationship that went three months before sex?

I've not waited three months.

I was in 16 months once.

Really?

Yeah. She was just like my best friend and I. And then I realized, like one day I'm like, oh, my God, I'm attracted to her. It was weird.

That happens, right? That you just turn around?

It's rare, but, yeah, it happened to me once.

I. Oh, no. Well, the first time I had sex was. Ever lost my virginity, if you will, on the infamous waterbed. I waited 11 months, but that was my first time. Yeah, it's not that weird, right?

You had waited like 17 years, but.

I waited 17 years and 11 months. But no. But since then, no. If I met.

To get in that. That pre adult sex.

Yeah, exactly.

You had one month.

I think these days, I mean, that's a long time.

How old was the guy?

He was a year old. He was 18.

It's illegal. It's illegal.

Oh, dude, you sound like.

Not statutory.

It's fine.

Okay. So that was fun with the calls.

Yeah, I love the calls.

Like I said, I know we're working on you guys. We're working on the logistics. We're not the kinks. But it's our first time, so. And then eventually what I'd love to do is just have a time of day every week we announce on our social media or something that will let people know when they can call in.

Fantastic.

Free for all. Okay, so let's get to an email.

Yeah.

Hi, Dr. Morse. Got a quick question regarding online dating. I know girls get lots of messages, so what can we do to make our messages stand out? What are some good conversation starters to get the ball rolling? Thanks, Pav. This is a great question, Anderson, because as you know, I have dated online and if guy just says to me, you know, you get bombarded by a lot of messages. So if a guide says, hey or you look hot, right, I'm done, I'm out. Like, I'm not going to answer because I get matches and things. So I think you have to stick out from the crowd and you have to say something clever. And I'm not. You don't be like some comedian. Something doesn't have to be like, oh, tell a joke. Be yourself. Read her profile and make up some kind of like, okay, can I maybe I pay my phone somebody. I'm gonna read you a good first message.

Do you like Blowtorch?

Be a good texter. You know what I mean? Like, it's like, be engaging and be engaging. Say something. I can show you a bad one and a good one. I haven't opened my Tinder in a while. This'll be fun. Let's see what's going on.

Lead with something that elicits a response, too, so that the conversation continues.

Exactly. Don't just say, glad we matched. Hope you're having a great Saturday. Like, no, that's not going to be.

There should be a question mark somewhere in your response.

Right? Ask a question and maybe later link Spotify. Okay, this is my Tinder. Who did I respond to? So there's a lot I didn't respond to. And let's see who I chatted with here. Like, you were like, how's your weekend? Mine was too short. Okay. I mean, maybe that would respond to that guy, but God, a lot of them get deleted. Okay, first message. I am kind of picky. Honestly, I don't. I can't find him at this moment. What I would say is that let's. You're reading her profile and she says something like, you know, whatever. I just moved to LA and I like horseback riding and I work in public relations. No, you could say something like, you know, I once fell off a horse, so maybe you could.

Don't lie, though.

Don't lie. You did fall off a Horse.

Right.

If you have a story about a horse, about pr, like make a joke, be percival. To show that you write a profile. It can be one sentence, but don't just say, you look hot. Glad we matched. Happy Sunday. Ask a question. Yeah, you know, ask a question and just be clever. Don't compliment her. Looks like that's, that's pretty easy. Like some good conversations to get the ball rolling. I mean, it's kind of like. It's tough. You don't want to be like, what. What do you do for fun?

Right. As a lady, though, as a female Emily, would you be. You use dozens. Would you be a little creeped out if like, let's say they asked a lot for very specific questions that made you think that they'd researched you first, would that creep you out? Or does it depend on what he looks like?

I think everybody researches everybody. And in fact, I've had these.

He was like talking about your hometown and what you do for a living. All this stuff from a person you don't know, would that freak you out a little?

Well, here's the thing. I mentioned that I go to. I went to Michigan. And so he's like, hey, go blue. I was always a Spartans fan. And I was like, okay, that's a connection. No, but to me, that was the message that I answered. Thank you for saying that. And I was like, yeah, okay, go.

But don't go overboard with it with, you know, talking about her elementary school and.

Exactly. And so this.

Yeah, don't ask how many people she slept with. That's a bad one.

No, don't ask me what she slept with. And this guy just said, hello there.

That's no good.

No, that was no good.

Obviously he thinks his picture is going to take him a long way. What his picture look like? Hello there. I bet you if you did a study, there'd be a graph and it shows you the better looking the person is, the more boring their responses are.

I betcha say this how if they're the better looking.

They are. I bet the lazier they are with.

That'S like that theory. If I like wimp hot women and better hot guys in bed don't feel like they do any work.

You see models walking around like on. They just look boring. They don't have to offer anything up because they're hot.

I don't know. I think you still gotta offer things up. Okay, so this guy said to me and I messaged him. He said, according to this ridiculous app, we find each other reasonably attractive. So I Thought I'd drop a note to say hi because I'm a giver. Like that. You're welcome.

That's a cut and paste job. That guy's.

I don't know. I answered it.

He's spreading that. I can tell you. That's a cut and paste job.

Well, it's a good one. Okay. This guy said, how was your weekend? Mine was too short. Smiley face. I didn't answer him, but again, like your dick. That was terrible.

Hey, you're beautiful. Do you live in Chicago? I think I was in Chicago. Like, no, I didn't answer that one. So be clever.

He was looking for a little road tail.

I would think I was in Chicago. I was like, maybe. Maybe I was looking for road tail.

They have an apple for that. Right? Like where it's just like you're on vacation.

You locate you wherever you are. Like, I used it when I was in somewhere. Mexico. I didn't use it in Germany.

You used it in Mexico, you dirty, dirty person.

No, I was showing someone in Mexico how it worked. I didn't actually use it, but I got matched with a bunch of people in Mexico, which is really a good time.

You close the app, you turn around, there's like 10 dudes waiting.

Exactly.

They somehow find where you are.

Exactly. Okay, we got another email. Hey, Emily. I listen on Dogcatcher, podcast player for Android.

What?

Did you know that?

I've never heard of that.

Me neither. For over six years he's been listening dog catcher. Yeah, I love it. I'm glad that you found a way to listen.

I don't like actual dog catchers. They're mean to dogs. Yeah, leave those dogs alone.

My wife and I have decided to divorce. I'm semi athletic, 49 year old who will be starting over and want to make and want to make few mistakes. What would you say?

He wants to make a few mistakes.

He doesn't want to make mistakes anymore. What would you say are the top things to do or not to do other than no head pushing?

What? Oh, like with a oral.

Yeah, don't. Don't push and not rushing anything. Thanks, I look forward to it. You menace and or Anderson have to say and or you're not gonna like the Andor Mike. Pennsylvania 49. Okay, so starting over.

Go yellow.

He's talking about sex.

Yeah. What's he.

Is he what?

No. Yeah, maybe like what the ladies like these days because he's been out of the game for a while.

Yeah, I would say. Well, but he's gonna be dating women who are like, hopefully in his. I don't know. Not hopefully. Whatever. You're gonna be dating. But dating is a lot different now. I mean, it's texting teens. No, Illegal. I don't know how much sex has changed, but if you didn't in your marriage of six years, you know, you always wanna go slow. You wanna pay attention to what she wants. You don't wanna rush sex. So foreplay is always really important. I'm sure if you've been listening to this. Oh, you've been listening for six years. Okay. So I think he wants. You got my sex tips, Mike. I feel like you maybe want some dating tips about how to get back into it. And we did a great show. People really responded to it called, like, dating After Divorce. I think it was called, like, just like that. And he gave a lot of great tips. But I think you just want to. You want to make few mistakes. First of all, that's your first mistake, saying that you want to make a few mistakes because you're going to whatever you deem a mistake.

So he did say he wants to make mistakes.

He wants to make few mistakes.

Few mistakes.

So you're going to make mistakes.

You're going to make mistakes. That's good that he's only.

No, he wants to, but he doesn't want to.

He doesn't want to make up too many. But he knows he's going to make. He wants to make a too few as possible.

But you're gonna make some decisions. Okay, So I think. I mean, honestly, you want to just. I say date as many people as you can right now. Because I think that what happens a lot of times when you start. You were in a relationship, and what we tend to do is we tend to heal our past relationships in our current relationship. So let's say you decided to divorce. You know, you guys are getting divorced because your wife was an introvert and didn't like to go out. So you might start dating someone who has all these parties and all these friends and she. And you think the best. She's the one. We overcompensate in our current. Our past. So I would just be careful for that. Because you've been craving. You know, you've been mindful of that because you've been craving some things that are missing. So I would say that. That you should.

Great advice.

Thank you. I think that you should take your time getting to know people. And I do think that. I think the tides are turning a little bit. It's changing that people are looking to be a Little more open and not commit right away. And to date several people at once is okay. And it's okay to let people know that it takes you a while to get to know someone and you're not looking to settle down right away. And I think that people, women really appreciate the honesty because I think this whole notion that you should date someone three times and lock them down is sort of like old fashioned, really old fashioned. Because what we're saying essentially is a lot of times it is, you know, I'm used stereotype here, but women, a lot of times they, well, we're gonna have sex or I want to make sure that we are committed. It's almost like saying I don't really know you well enough. We might have had sex or gone out a few times, but I want to lock you down so you don't sleep with anyone else. I don't sleep with anyone else. And then we can figure out if we like each other. Which to me seems like why not date several people at once, get to know them and some people can't. I'm not saying to sleep with everybody, but go out several dates and not rush into it and get to really know people and get to know yourself again. Mike, because you've probably changed a lot.

So I was going to say you should use this time to work on yourself too. Because I'm sure that you were part of the reason why the divorce happened. I don't think it was all her fault or all your fault, but you probably brought some bad things into that relationship and try and figure out what those were about yourself and improve them for your future relationships.

That's a really good point. I think that everybody's gonna do work after relationships.

And then I also have a business model for you. I felt like this should be something that exists for years and years and years and Mike would be a perfect applicant for this. Okay, A re bachelor party. People that get divorced, they go to have a re bachelor party where they have all of their friends and they go out to strip joints and they learn and they learn from people like you about like the new like dating what to do. They re acclimates them back into the dating population.

Yeah, re bachelor, like a date, like a divorce boot camp.

Because you don't need a bachelor party when you're about to get married. I mean, you're in love and you got the wedding to worry about. It's kind of a Bachelor parties are old, old fashioned. But nowadays, especially with so many people breaking up re bachelor party, throwing them.

In Vegas or something?

Yes.

Okay.

Thank you.

It's already invented if anyone wants it.

And I hope I never have to use it.

Dude, you won't. You're having a baby. Okay, we've got another email. Hi, Emily. So I was on a trip abroad solo, having the best time by myself, and I meet an awesome guy. We hang out, we have the best time, and then we have sex. All seemed good to me. But then afterwards, he was saying he didn't really like the noises I made. Honestly, I wasn't being noisy at all, just simply letting what came naturally happen. He said he thought it sounded like I was faking it. I'm a bit confused because most of the guys I've been with really enjoyed hearing me enjoy and actually want more noise, more auditory validation. So what's the deal in making noises? I don't really care either way, but I would love to hear your take on this. Thanks so much. Love your perspectives. Kayla, age 24. God, I'm glad you wrote. Kayla, Kayla, keep on moaning. This guy's a douchebag. Keep making your noises. I am so glad that you have me, because these are the kind of things, Anderson, that happen to people in bed and forever else. She'd be, like, mute.

It would be rude if they had been dating for three years. And he said that the fact that it was after the first time they had sex, and he has the balls to say that he's just kind of a dick.

At least you know that.

And he's insecure again.

Yeah, he's insecure. And who knows? Maybe she's on a trip abroad. Maybe he's from a country where they don't make a lot of noises. We don't expect. We don't know what it is. His.

What his mom might have heard. Maybe it's happening at home.

I don't know. But there are some big rights. That's true.

I mean, you know what? In fairness to him, if that was the case, he. He has the. He has every right to say, hey, could you not be so loud next time? What was with that? Mom was next door.

Or maybe he didn't. He went. Here's the thing. We don't judge.

We're trying not to judge. But this guy sounds like a dick.

No, the only reason why I said douchebag is because I just don't like that he shamed you and made you feel bad for making noises. Because, again, these are the kind of things, same with guys. One time, they get their penis laughed at. They get criticized for something they do and they never do it again. We all get stuck. So you're right, Kayla, that mostly from what I hear from men, is that the more auditory validation, the better. And if it feels good to you, the truth is, the more noises we make, sometimes women, it's like we. It's because, like, sex feels good. It can help us enhance orgasm.

It's a form of communication, too. Letting the guy know what, that you're doing it right?

Yeah, the whole thing.

Keep doing that.

Yes, keep doing that. Kayla, my take on this is like, keep on keeping on. And some guys might not like it, but guess what? Those aren't the guys from you. If I was with a guy who didn't like talking a lot or loud noises, apparently I am loud in bed.

There's something a little bit off with this guy that he would have the nerve to actually call you on that.

Maybe he had a lot of experiences. Oh, he thought she was faking it too. So maybe he watches insecure. This is not about you, Kayla. At all. And I would just pretend this to.

You know, I do wish all people had volumes.

Thank you for your feedback.

I'd love to be able to turn people up and down.

You would turn everyone down?

I would turn most people down. A lot of people would be turned right down.

Yes.

Oh, okay. I think it's all we got time for. Did we say everything we needed to say? This was exciting with the calls. Thank you, everyone, for hanging out and for calling in and let us know if you would like to call.

And you're saving America. You're saving the world one orgasm at a time.

That was my first business card.

I know.

Did you know that? Was it the world saving the world one orgasm at a time? And then I felt like everything was, like, saving the world. This and that. Like one child at a time.

Right.

Anyway, so I am saving, but still, I should bring it back. Intertwined, kind of retro. Bring it back. Okay. Thanks, Anderson. Good luck with the babies. Good luck with the film.

Thank you. Yes. Groupersthemovie.com and just a simple follow takes about 30 seconds would be huge. And I promise, promise I don't spam you, but it'd be great if we could unlock that gift box. The filmmaker's gift box.

Yeah, do that. And come have brunch with us.

Thanks. Yeah. Come on. Brunch. It's gonna be a really good time.

And thank you, everybody, for following us on all social media. We appreciate it. It's all at Sex with Emily and facebook.com with Emily and subscribing to the show and our newsletter. It's all on the website Sex.

Great email.

I do never been criticized for my email. Okay everyone, thanks so much for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sex with emily.com.

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