Masturbate (All May) with Emily

How are you guys going to celebrate Masturbation month? It's really just about doing something different. Just even if it's top of mind and you masturbate three more times this month than last month. I'm fine. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sexual it is the most wonderful time of the year. It is masturbation may. So on today's show, I'm honoring a month of self love by giving you a very brief history of the celebration, the health benefits of masturbation, and my favorite toys for bringing you pleasure all year long. Plus, I'm answering your questions like what to do if you feel yourself relying too much on your vibrator. Why Masturbation may be your key to success if you keep orgasm blocking yourself in the bedroom, whether or not you're masturbating too much. And how to get rid of religious shame surrounding masturbation. And please, please, please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It just really helps get the show out to more people. Takes two seconds, so please do it now. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter or X and Facebook. It's all sexwithemily. Check out my new articles, 8 Ways to Elevate youe Solo Sex and 4 Secret Sex Drive Killers both up at sex with emily dot com. All right everybody, enjoy the show.

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Happy Masturbation Month. It's real. It's a thing. I did not invent it. Let me just get that out of the way. I wish I did. If I could have, I would have. But here's the history of Masturbation month where it actually started in 1994. Don't worry, this won't be too much history. We're going to get into masturbation. But I do think this is interesting. Dr. Joycelyn Elders was the Surgeon General of the United States. Bill Clinton had just appointed her when he was president, and she was at a United nations conference about the AIDS epidemic. And so what they asked her was, what are your thoughts on masturbation advocacy in the hopes of reducing the spread of HIV and other STIs? Like, how could we get people to get more excited about masturbation? So looking at 1994, she said, I think it's something that is part of human sexuality and. And it's part of something that perhaps should be taught. She thought, let's teach masturbation in schools. There was also the fact at the time that the United States had the Highest rate of STIs of any country in the developed world, and remember this, the highest rates of teenage pregnancy in the world. She was, like, also an advocate of, like, handing out condoms in schools. And it was a huge, like, people like this Surgeon General wants to start teaching masturbation in schools. And everyone, everybody freaked the fuck out. And then she was asked to resign. It was a huge deal. It was like watching these Senate hearings, and everyone's like, oh, she wants to teach masturbation in school? She wants to show up with a bunch of dildos and start teaching it to our third graders. No, that's not what she was saying. But I digress. As a result of the firing of Dr. Joyce and elders, who actually was saying something sensible at masturbation, they launched Good Vibrations, the first national masturbation month, in 1995. So here we are today in 20, 24, 30 years later, in a way. I look at that and I go, okay, amazing. Do you know how far we've come, in a way, since then? Like, I. I I think that, well, okay, if I'm honest, people don't really want us to teach masturbation in schools. And talking about masturbation publicly is still kind of shamed. But in 25 years, I believe that we know more about masturbation. Sex toy industry has completely changed. There's so many incredible toys around now we're 25 years ago, all the toys, sex toys were made by men for women with like phthalates. And the ingredients that they made the sex toys with weren't as body safe. And I do think that there's a lot more sex positive community right now who is here to help you feel good about your body and about masturbation. Let's just talk about the why, because maybe you're listening and you're thinking, you know what? I still have weird feelings about masturbation. I still feel shame about it. I still don't make time for it. Well, let me just tell you about the biggest benefits of masturbating real quick. Okay. You might not even know. Like, I'm not just saying, oh, have an orgasm. It feels good, but there are benefits. It helps relieve built up stress. I've been having a stressful few days, things have been busy, a lot of reasons. And I realized once again to myself that I hadn't masturbated a few days. Even though I'm surrounded by sex toys and, you know, all things. So then I decided last night I wasn't feeling great, had one. I'm telling you, I had an orgasm on my own. Wasn't a hole to do, didn't take a lot of time, didn't have to. I just was like, I'm gonna knock this out. And I forget even myself. It allowed me to relieve stress. I slept better. And it just boosts your mood and you're feeling pleasure. We all having an orgasm and masturbating and giving one to yourself, we all deserve pleasure. And it's okay to feel good in your body and it's okay to prioritize your own pleasure. Cause you know, that's what I'm all about. It also reduces menstrual cramps and muscle tension. This is true. Have you ever had a cramp and you're like, oh, and you have an orgasm? You're like, oh my God, who knew it releases sexual tension. So maybe you have a higher sex drive than your partner. The two of you could kind of play together. Maybe you do some mutual masturbation or you encourage your partner to masturbate on their own. I know that for Me having a healthy masturbation practice and really getting into it, I was better to understand what I wanted and what I needed in a relationship. So I always initially thought when I started having sex, about the time that Joyce and Elders was kicked out for talking about masturbation, that I would learn how to have sex through my partners. But what I realized is that when I started to play with myself, I actually figured out what felt good to me, what didn't feel good. And then I was able to show that to a partner. And that was really a game changer for me. I learned how to have internal orgasms instead of just external. I didn't even know that was possible. For me, it also, you know, a lot of us struggle with loving our bodies, self esteem and body image. But I think the more you get acquainted, you just have more respect for your body once you realize what it could do. And you even take a mirror when you're masturbating and you take a look and you're like, wow, look at how my. And this goes for all genders, by the way, penis owners as well. We've got so much cool stuff going on between our legs. So you just take a look at it. You're like, that's pretty amazing. That my vulva, my clitoris, my vagina, they swell in reaction to touch. You could have multiple orgasms. So trust me and hear me out on this, that the more you start to like, understand the inner workings of it, you'll be able to celebrate it and be like, yeah, so what if I don't feel great about my body? Maybe I don't look like everyone on Instagram who's airbrushed, by the way, but wow, I can have some killer orgasms. I looking. And when you're looking at yourself in the mirror and you're looking at your body, it's just a way to connect with yourself at a more intimate level so you're not just disconnected. Hating a body that you don't realize is actually a part of you and something to love. Those are some of the benefits and encouragement around it. Now, I understand for a lot of us, we also have shame around masturbation. We've also done some good episodes on it. Shame is something that's ongoing, but as long as you recognize, like if there's some thoughts in your head that are telling you that masturbation's wrong or evil, or you don't think you deserve it, or you don't think you need to because you're with a partner, I hear that all the time. Oh, I don't need to masturbate. I don't need to masturbate. I have a partner. No, you actually need to because it's a way of giving yourself self love and understanding your body. But shame is a tricky beast. And once you realize thoughts that you're having around it that might not serve you and might not feel relevant to where you're at in your life, there's some work to do about it. Doing some journaling, doing some research, listening to my podcast, going to my website, reading articles about masturbation, perhaps even just hearing about the health benefits of it and practicing it. You'll start to feel a little bit less shameful and a little bit less alone about it. Toys and Masturbation so there's this belief that we're supposed to have orgasms only through body parts. Like it has to be through a penis goes in a vagina, or it has to be through fingers or a mouth, which is all great. But somehow if you bring in, let's say, technology like a vibrator or something that feels good, like lube even. Do you guys still feel weird about lube? What we're talking about is these super sensitive nerve endings on our body, which is all our erogen zones. The reason why they're erogenous is because they have so many nerve endings. And nerve endings feel great when teased and when tickled and played with. But imagine how much better they feel with a little bit of vibration, a little bit of lube, maybe some playing with hot and cold sensations. You're missing out if you don't. If you, if you still are feeling weird about toys again, that goes into the shame category or the hard on yourself category. Like I should be able to have an orgasm in this way. That majority of people don't just have orgasms that easily. They get to use a toy to enhance stimulation. It's great. So let's try to get rid of all the shame around using toys as well. External toys, ones that I really adore. I love the Jeju Mimi. That's J E J O U E. I love it because it's a great external vibrator. The Mimi covers a lot of surface area just like the POM by Dame the internal vibes. Like you could try the G Spot toy from Jae Joo. Now. Let me tell you about this toy. If you've been intimidated by G Spot toys or you think they're too big, it is the perfect toy for those who want everything. It has this curve to access the G Spot and it also follows your body for intense clitoral orgasms. So it does both. And it's small, it's like a little vibrator, but it hits all the hotspots. Remember, it helps to have a clitoral orgasm first. And then there's also like the magic wand, which is a great toy for external stimulation. And then for penises. I'm not leaving you out. There's masturbation sleeves, which are penis toys. So essentially they provide a different sensation over your penis, like a bumps and ridges. And they use materials that are not your hand. And when you have that grip and you can. Some of them are disposables. But what I'm saying is mix it up. Try something different on your penis. If you're always used to your hands or being inside of something. Masturbation sleeves with a little bit of lube provide a little bit of friction and a little bit of sensation that you might not have felt before. There's also penis rings or cock rings. The Mio by Jae Joo is one of the best sellers. It's a super stretchy, super soft cock ring. You wear it at the base of the penis. It feels great for the base of the penis. It helps restrict blood flow. If there's some ways that you want to last longer in bed and not ejaculate, but it also has like a deep, rumbly vibrator that turns the shaft of the penis essentially into a vibrator itself. You can pretty much use vibrators anywhere. It doesn't have to be the part that they're necessarily meant for. With a few caveats. Anything you put your anus has to have a flared edge because then it just gets lost up in there. And we don't want you to be like sex sent me to the ER 911 candidate. Unless you're into that. Remember, anal play doesn't necessarily mean penetration. Try out mixing up your masturbation routine. If you've only been using your hand your whole life, then you legitimately, like, need to tell me what goes on this month when you try something else. We asked our Instagram followers, how are you celebrating masturbation month? And so one person said, masturbating, which right on brand month. I'm married, so every day is masturbation day. Not sure what that means. If that means that you're not having sex with your partner. Someone else said, practicing trying to see and understand what feels the most pleasurable. I love that I've never masturbated. How can I start? It feels so weird to me. Well, keep listening to the show. We're gonna help you. Someone else said they're gonna celebrate by taking 10 minutes every morning for myself. No questions for me. God, I recommend that highly. And you know what's so great about taking time for yourself in the morning is that you're not putting it off for the afternoon when you know there's gonna be 18 other things that happen. But try as you might like not looking at your phone and just waking up and masturbating, it is the best. Masturbate, meditate, manifest before you do anything else. Life changing. I bought some new coconut lube. I'm gonna go to town on myself. Yes, we love coconut lube. Coconut oil lube. Getting a color changing light bulb in my room. Mood lighting has made an impact. I agree. I am so anti overhead light in my house and I'm really into the light in my bedroom. It's important. I'm 21. I've never tried in kind of sky scared. I get it. I kept being scared. I was scared too. And it took me until I was like 25. I think I first heard about it 24. And it wasn't until I was 25 I was like, okay, I better do this thing. The great thing about it is once you just start to touch yourself, just be in the shower, get curious, what does it feel like when I touch myself? And you start to think about, does that feel good? Does it not? And then it just becomes more exploration than fear based and goal based. Like, I have to have an orgasm today. If I don't have an orgasm, then you know the first time something's wrong with me. Don't make the mistakes that I made. Just get curious about it and there's nothing to be scared about. How about more like you're excited to explore your body and see what feels good. Like 21. What a great time to start. Okay, another way to celebrate with lots of masturbation in front of my husband too. So sexy. Yeah, we're talking mutual masturbation. A lot of you guys ask me about mutual masturbation. How do I do it? What's the best way? We do have a guide on our site and mutual masturbation is just hot. Just seeing your partner in pleasure. You don't have to be doing anything. You're learning from them, they're learning from you. Someone else expecting their P spot, their prostate. That's true. If you have a penis, you have a prostate in your anus. Vulva. Owners do not have it. It's supposed to give you a killer orgasm and pleasure, and it's good for you. I say that's a great goal for many penis owners to go explore the prostate. Accepting that it's normal. What a great time to start this month. Accepting that it's normal. It is normal. It is healthy. It's going to enhance your overall well being. I'm with you. Masturbation twice a day. Sure, why not? Just took a video of myself masturbating after a shower, and I can't wait to show my partner. That's hot. Listen, if you're with a partner that you trust and love and all the things, no one's going to hack your. Your, your phone. I mean, it's hot. Just show your partner a picture of you masturbating. I'm all for that. Okay, so that's from Instagram. Thank you, everybody. If you're not following us on Instagram at. Sex with Emily Everywhere. And I want to know from you, like, before the show, I thought, how are you guys gonna celebrate masturbation month? It's really just about doing something different. Just even if it's top of mind and you masturbate three more times this month than last month. I'm fine. And you're listening to this episode, you realize that there's probably more you could do. I'm telling you, you're never done. I. I realized there was more I could be doing. Okay, questions, questions, questions. This is from Katie, 21 in Minnesota. Hey, Dr. Emily. I've always had trouble getting aroused or finishing when it's only fingers to the clitoris. What can I do to improve that? It can also help with sex in my relationship. I haven't expressed to my boyfriend that, but I plan to. And I feel like I've tried everything, but only a toy to the clit helps to get there. So no shame in your clit toy game. But what I'm hearing you say is that you'd like to explore other ways of other paths to pleasure. So just try experimenting with other kinds of touch toys. There's a lot of places you can feel pleasure beyond the clitoris. And that would be your labia, inner labia, outer labia, your pubic mound. Warming you up with oral sex, using a lot of lube to make sure that you're lubricated. Yeah. So if your partner warms you up with oral, like, here's the thing, you're not going to become desensitized by a vibrator. It just means that, like, the muscle memory, your body is just used to orgasming in that way now. But if you were able to orgasm before you used a vibrator, you're not, like, killing off nerve endings. You're just getting used to responding in a certain way. You're used to a certain pattern of orgasming. Right. Turn the vibrator on, and I have an orgasm by touching these spots. But if you just say, I'm going to breathe for a minute, I'm not going to bring in the toy right away. I'm going to get curious with, like, tapping my fingers in circles and touching and maybe pinching my clitoris or using my fingers all around the labia and the pubic mound and all that area with lube and playing and your partner, you'll probably find that there's other ways you can orgasm, which is that, again, your body has this muscle memory. It's used to doing something a certain way, but it doesn't mean you can't sort of unwind it and learn new things. And Also, you're only 21, so 21 does not mean that anything is set here. This is the time to explore. I'm glad you're having orgasms. Let's keep looking for other ways to do it. Okay, Katie in Minnesota, let's do that. All right. This is from Nina, 25, in Australia. Hey, Dr. Emily. I have a great sex life with my boyfriend of four years. Despite a low libido at times, which I feel is down to lack of consistent exercise and feeling good in my body. I've not had many orgasms in my sexual career, and I'm not one to explore masturbation for myself either. In saying this, my boyfriend is wonderful at stimulating my clitoris during foreplay and also during intercourse. When I feel like I'm climaxing and feeling that crescendo, it feels amazing. And I find myself reaching laughter and giggling rather than the climax of orgasm. We're both comfortable with this in the moment, and we laugh together. Have fun and a great time. I do feel embarrassed, inwardly anxious that I'm unable to reach a sexual orgasm. I'm not sure what happens with the body, and I'm unsure how to overcome this. I discovered your podcast recently as a lady gang listener and think you do wonderful service for women and men too. I'm excited to become a regular listener. I'm excited, too. Nina, welcome to the show. Okay, so I would say this is such a great masturbation month question because this past shame or told that orgasms weren't right, and maybe your face wants to do Something weird. And you're like, I'm about to orgasm, but I still have to be cute. And I'm going to have a nervous laugh. And so you're kind of o. Blocking yourself. Like, orgasm blocking yourself. So this is a great time for you to masturbate. You're saying that you're not one to explore masturbation for yourself. I'm telling you, that is how we're all going to learn how to have orgasms. We're going to learn what feels good in our bodies. We're going to learn how to please ourselves so we can share it with a partner. It helps with pain. It helps with menstrual. All the things I covered earlier in the show. So I just say, bite the bullet. Buy a bullet vibrator and get into your body because it sounds like you're getting there, and you know that it feels good when he touches your clitoris, but you're just stopping yourself because you feel embarrassed and you feel anxious. If you're on your own and no one's looking and you don't feel like your boyfriend's staring at you, then you'll. You'll know what it feels like to have an orgasm. Do it a few times. Sounds like you're almost there. And then you won't do the laughing thing. That's just like a holdover to feeling like. Maybe you feel like you want to feel cute or you're embarrassed. You actually are embarrassed, so you laugh. So when you're alone with yourself, maybe you won't do it. See that? I can't think of a better reason to start masturbating this month. Okay, Nina, let me know how it goes, okay? Please. I'm here. We're all invested now in your masturbation pleasure. I'm gonna take a break, but after this quick word from our sponsors, we're gonna find out how you're celebrating masturbation month.

I think I have to take this next call because Kevin from Pennsylvania has a question about sex dolls.

I mean, I love your show. I listen to you all the time.

Thank you.

I have a girlfriend. We've been together, like, four years, and she also lives, like, an hour away.

Okay.

You know, we only see each other a couple times a month. We do have sex when we're together, but she very rarely will masturbate on her own. And I will. You know, I never had a problem with that. And I've always wanted a sex doll. Like, one of the real good, expensive, like, sexy ones that are, like, beautiful and stunning and All. And this past year, I've been thinking about it more and more, and I know there's a lot of scams out there, and I have been researching a lot about some United States companies that actually, you know, sell nice ones. I just wonder, like, what is your thought? I know my girlfriend would. She would be jealous of that. Say, like, oh, you know, like, you know, you're gonna have sex with that, and you don't want to, you know, drive here an hour, like, to see me after work or something like that. It might be an issue. But, like, what is your opinion on.

Something like that, on sex dolls? I. It's such a good question because I. I have not been asked this question before about, like, what brand and what I think, but that's what I think about them. And I think the sex dolls are here and they're. They're happening. I mean, I.

You can get one for, like, 2000. The ones I.

Look, the price has already gone down.

You can get a decent one for, like, two grand, which is not decent sex.

But don't you want one that's like, okay? I actually feel the same way that I feel about vibrators. I really don't think that it's going to replace your partner. I mean, Maybe eventually, maybe 10 years from now, 20 years from now, 30. I don't know. I like human touch and human contact. But tell me this. What is your goal?

I would like to, you know, dress it up. Like my girlfriend, you know, like, she's older. Like, we're both in our mid, you know, mid to late 40s, and. Okay, you know, we're not like, you know, Barbie anymore and that kind of thing. So, I mean, you know, she doesn't really. She. She's very conservative. She doesn't like to dress sexy. She doesn't, you know, like to do all that kind of stuff. And, you know, even though, you know, I would try to, you know, you know, why don't you wear a. A shorter skirt? Why don't you wear a better skirt? Like, I love you when you wear a short skirt. You know, like, you look so sexy and, you know, nice legs. But she just, you know, very rarely will dress the part. And, I mean, I wouldn't mind, like, it's not only for the sex of the doll, but, you know, dressing it up, maybe seeing it in a short skirt, seeing it, like, with, you know, different outfits. You know, what's the difference if you have, like, a sleeve or your hand or.

Honestly, nothing. Listen, you're right. You're right. I mean, I have enough sex toys that I could build like 10 dolls out of them. So I understand, like, I have zero judgment on it. I'm just trying to understand the. The only thing I can think of is that you said your girlfriend might be upset by it, might not understand it, which I could understand.

Right. Like, you know, she knew you would, like, put it away and she found it, right? Well, yeah, I would have to hide it, obviously. You know, if. When she would visit. It's not like I would use it all the time. I'm just, like, curious how. How common it is, how perverted it is.

I think it's getting more and more common. I think that it's not crazy. I think that I know, you know me. I never use the word. I'm not. I think everyone's can do what they'd like to do with consent and a healthy way. So I know I actually have no. I mean, honestly, this is the first call. We might have gotten some emails about it, but I don't think I've gotten a call about it. So I actually don't. Two years ago, I was on a talk show and they had like, the first doll. I can't remember her name. The one that everyone sees everywhere. She looks so realistic. I thought it was like a woman, but it was like this hot sex doll. I mean, I don't have, you know, I don't have any concerns for you doing it. I'm not going to tell you not. Not to get. I think if that's something that you think would turn you on and to play with. I mean, we have so many toys that are available for women and men. Yeah, you guys have the masturbation sleeve or cock ring, but there's not a.

Whole lot of toys. I mean, there's not.

Right.

But she rarely uses toys on her own at home. She don't. She's like, well, I have you. I said, I do it with a toy. I'd rather wait like two weeks and, you know, see you on, you know, next Saturday. Something.

Right.

Instead of taking care of our cell phone, which I. I wish sometime, like, she would have phone sex or, like, do that kind of thing. Since we live far and we work hard hours and, you know, it would be fun and interesting.

I would be honest with her that you want to get. I mean, I don't know how you'd hide it. She came over like, I can't hide it all.

Yeah, I mean, like, I did bring it up once and she was like, that's crazy.

You know, well, everyone thinks everything's crazy. That's a little bit outside their box. And the sex. You know, people think sex toys are crazy, right? People. People think everything is crazy because it's sex. And if you. They're just like, sex is already so taboo for people. And then you're, like, going to get a sex doll.

This is better than going out and, like, cheating or going on like Tinder. I mean, I feel like this would be a better option. Like, at least I'm not, like, cheating on you. But in her eyes, she might be like, well, what do you want to sleep with that thing for? Like, what, my body's not good enough? Or.

But she. Yeah, I mean, honestly, I think that you just got to reinforce, you know, the same thing I tell everyone when you're talking to your partner about toys. This isn't a replacement for you. It's, you know, it's something that I'm doing for myself to, you know, turn myself on, to have variety during these times when we're away from each other. I think that most couples. And this is what I found, who call me and say, you know, my partner has a problem with me using toys and all the things is that. But once they actually try it together, they're like, oh, God, what was my problem? Why haven't we been using toys all along? It's sort of like the fear around toys. The fear around toys is worse than. Once people try it, they're like, oh, no big deal. So it's just gonna have to be an honest conversation. I think that toys are still in that. The sex dolls. So I keep saying sex dolls are still in that realm. Maybe where sex toys were 10, 15 years ago. That is sex dolls. Like, people are like, oh, they think the worst. Chaot's gonna take over. You're gonna break up with me. You're just gonna bring the sex doll home for Christmas. I don't think it. You know, it's still very new. And I think that most people are like, oh, God, no. I wouldn't want to use a sex doll. But we said that about a lot of things that are now commonplace. You know, I still think you should do what you want to do, but I think also, again, most people say no to things that are foreign to them. So I think you can kind of give her more information about it. Maybe she could read some of these articles. You could. You know, I'm sure there's Reddit forums that people have used them together, but it says here, you know, the traditional stereotype of loners choosing sex dolls as a last resort is totally inaccurate. They're seeing now that doll use is going mainstream with men and women both enthusiastic about bringing a doll into the bedroom. You know, you guys could have a threesome with the doll.

Now you're talking. I like the way.

Really.

I mean, she's into toys. You never know what could happen. So I would have another conversation with her and just say, listen, I'm really thinking of doing it, you know, but I get that it's a little bit more lifelike and can be more threatening than my handheld vibrator or like my vibrator necklace. So there's just a little bit more information. I think that we need to understand that it's not just, you know, we have these worst case scenario, like everyone's gonna end up with robots and there's gonna be no more human interaction and human touch, which, you know, hey, could, could happen. I hope it's not in my lifetime, but yeah, I'm not gonna tell you. I'm gonna tell you to keep thinking about it. I think if you want to get it and you've thought long and hard about it, but I would also pass it by her and let me know what happens. Send me a picture if you get one. I will. Please do.

I'll get back to you in the future. So thank you.

Okay, awesome.

I love your show and keep helping.

I will. Bye. Thanks for calling. I just saw this email come in. I grew up very Catholic. This is from Sarah. And now I'm in my late teens and I'm not religious anymore. But I still feel guilt when it comes to sexual experiences, even kissing. I know it's embarrassing. Is there any advice you have to help me get over it? I talk about a little with my friends, but they don't grow up the same way. It's hard for them to give advice. Thanks. Sarah. Late teens, grew up very religious, very Catholic. And now she's kissing people and she feels guilt. Why would we grow up in a place where it was, no, you can't have sex, you got to feel bad, you got to feel guilty, don't have sex. And then you go and have sex and then you feel bad about it because no one said to you, it's okay? So my, my first thing would be to let go of the, the shame and guilt is to first educate yourself and realize that being sexually healthy is part of being is your overall health and wellness. That if we are not sexually healthy, that we have negative conditioning around sex, we're not going to be Able to show up in a healthy way in our relationships. So that's the first part is education and realizing that you have a choice to say that what I grew up with, the messages I grew up with no longer serve me. What are the messages in your head that keep repeating if you like them? Like, if the message is saying, you're awesome, you're great, you're doing a great job, you are worthy, you are enough, keep those messages. But if the messages are like, sex is wrong, I'm a bad girl, this is, you know, then you get to look at them and go, oh, it's not true, and then do your research and find out how important it is to actually be sexually healthy. That a lot of the guilt messages that you got aren't true. And then practicing through exploring. I think once you learn to pleasure your body and give yourself orgasms, then you'll start to get that feedback loop of pleasure and you'll start to see, like, oh, that feels really, really good. Now I understand my body. And then you'll be able to explain that to a partner. I think therapy helps because maybe you are still hearing that message in other areas as well. It's almost like we were brainwashed. I mean, I hate to use that word around religion, but I'm going to do it. Especially if you decide that you no longer want to be religious. But you kept getting the same message. I mean, we got Colin here raised Mormon. How did you get out of it, Colin? How did you get out of your conditioning around sex? Being raised Mormon.

Practice, practice.

Right?

Yeah. Just practice feeling okay and taking a breath and saying, okay, no, no, no, wait, I just want to do this. And reminding myself, oh, yeah, I want to do this. And it's okay to do this.

Wow. Just in the act. Like when you were having sex because you would feel bad about it. Yeah, guilt.

I mean, the worst thing is because you know, when you're having sex, you're just thinking about having sex. The worst part would be just right after, I would just be totally, totally brought down by the guilt. And so it was really practicing in those moments.

Wow, what would you do? Do you have, like, a mantra or did you have, like, words that you would say to yourself?

Yeah, I mean, I would just check in with my body and just try to remind myself, like, no, that was a great experience. And kind of like when you talk about mindfulness, about going around the room and naming things, it was kind of like that, of, okay, what was the experience I just had? Oh, it was actually just really great. And there wasn't anything bad that happened in the room. Great. And just reminding myself of like those simple facts.

Yeah, really, that's. And being present and noticing the room. Like I'm in the bed. I'm smelling this, you know, I'm tasting. Yeah. All the senses. Wow, Colin, look at you. Now we're on a sex show on sex show from shame. So Sarah, you can get there as well. I would also try to find. You know, I know that you said that your friends, they didn't grow up in the same way as you. Probably is hard for them to give you advice. You're right. Because just to say get over it doesn't help you get rid of the shame and guilt. And I would say that finding other like minded people who could and then also therapy was helpful to you too, right, Colin?

Oh, yeah.

So helpful.

So, yeah, that's it. And we got a lot more episodes on it. And I would say also getting. Getting to know your body. Like I said, masturbation is just the key to so many releasing so much shame. So that's part of it. I would journal about it and I would have some mantras near you or some affirmations or intentions that make you feel good about your body and that make you feel good about your decisions you're making. So that's what I recommend. This is from Amanda and she says, Dr. Emily, I absolutely love your podcast. I've learned so much. Thank you for everything you do. I have a question for you that goes with one of your Instagram posts. I 100% agree with you that masturbation is healthy. My husband and I both do it. I just have one problem. I feel like my husband would rather masturbate than have sex with me. I've tried to initiate sex and he's turned me down. But then he goes and masturbates. We don't have sex a lot. Sometimes we go two, even three weeks without sex, but once a week if I'm lucky. It bugs me and I let him know that. But still, I feel like he goes that long because of masturbation. Or maybe my sex drive is higher. When we have sex, it's always good. We've been together and intimate for seven years. We know what each other likes. But I guess my question is, how could I make together sex happen more than solo? Thanks in advance. All right, Amanda, have you talked to your husband about this outside the bedroom? Have you had a conversation with him using my three T's of communication, timing, tone and turf? And have you actually said to him at a time that's not like you just saw that he masturbated. And not a time when you feel like he's rejecting you sexually, but a time when you're at dinner and you're hanging out and you have to say, I think about having sex with you all the time. I love our sex life together is there. I realize we've never really talked about it. We've been together seven years. I'll tell you what, I. I would love to have more frequent sex because I love the way we connect. But I know that you are a fan of masturbation, and you seem to masturbate a lot, which is awesome, and I want to know more about that. It would make me feel great if we could have sex more frequently. Like, just ask him what's up, is what I'm saying, without the judgment around it. Would you rather masturbate than be with me? We don't know yet. Your masturbation practice and your sex practice with a partner are very separate. So I encourage people to masturbate in a relationship, out of a relationship, all the time. So I'm actually going to separate them for a minute. And I would just let him know that you would love to be intimate with him more frequently. You would love to have sex more often. Does he have any ideas how you could make that happen? Is there ways that you can find out what turns him on? Are there ways that you could figure out about scheduling sex or making it more frequent? I would just really find out what is it about sex. And I wouldn't bring in the masturbation thing, because, again, a lot of men masturbate and women masturbate just to relieve stress. It's not about, like, oh, I don't want to be with my wife, so now I'm just gonna go masturbate. So I would just try to understand where he's at. I think two to three times a week without sex doesn't sound like it works for you, and it wouldn't work for a lot of people. So we're talking about compromise, and we're talking about healthy conversations without judgment, without blaming, and with a lot of listening. Okay, this is from Christina, who's a teenager, and she wants to know. I'm a teenage girl, and I masturbate at least four times a week. And I'm wondering, is there such a thing as too much? Nothing hurts, but I feel like maybe it isn't normal. I mostly read erotica to get going, and I've never had sex with a partner. Am I doing it too much? No, Christina, I'm so glad you asked this. Of course, as teenagers we often feel shame like we're doing it too much or something's wrong with it. Maybe you grew up in a home or religion where said that it was wrong and you would go to hell. But four times a week if it feels good to you, I think it's fine you're doing it in your own bedroom or in a place where you feel that people can't see you masturbating and are encouraging you to masturbate. There's nothing wrong with it. I just want to help absolve you of all of your guilt and shame. I wish I could wave a wand over the world and just make everybody feel a lot less shame and a lot more pleasure. That's the world I want to live in. You're doing fine, Christina. Promise. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. Partner, you can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter or X and Facebook all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you want to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sex with emily.com askemily Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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