Maximize Your Orgasm w/ Dolly Josette

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If you don't want to touch yourself, how can you body to be welcoming the touch of another?

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Everyone's talking about breath work these days, but for pleasure muse Dolly, Josette breath opens an entire world of erotic sensation. And it's a world you, yes, you already possess. So if full body orgasms sound like fun, you'll love this conversation. Because guess what? Dolly shows us how to visit that pleasure filled world all on our own. Dolly's been recognized as one of the most innovative sexological bodyworkers by Cosmopolitan and Hustler magazines. But more importantly, she helps women and couples navigate their sexual evolution, wake up from numbness and live more orgasmic lives. On this episode, we cover a ton of ground, including how to hack your nervous system for better sex, how to become a great masturbator. What exactly is somatic sex therapy and why so many people, especially vulva owners, are trained to numb from the waste and down spoiler alert. Her clients definitely aren't numb anymore. Intentions With Emily for each episode, join me in setting an intention for the show. I encourage you to do it. I do it. We can do it together. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? Well, my intention is to empower all of you to take a mirror and get to know your anatomy even better than you do now. Because the more you explore your body, the more pleasure you're going to find. I promise. Remember to rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen. My new article, Ask Emily how to have Sex Standing up is up at sex with emily.com and also check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, just call my hotline, 559-talk-SEX or 559-825-5739. You can also leave me your questions or Message me at sex with emily.com Ask Emily. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

As a sex and relationship expert and sexological body worker, Dolly Josette helps women and couples navigate their sexual evolution, enhance satisfaction, and expand their pleasure potential. Dolly's known as a vulva whisperer, vulva queen, and even a vulva therapist with her signature online course, Touch Feel Connect, guiding women on their own vulva vaginal mapping journey. Her latest offering is the Vulva Hug Meditation, a video practice you can do anywhere. Dolly holds a master's degree in education and certifications from the Institute of Somatic Sexology, among countless others. Find Dolly on Instagram at Pleasure Muse or online@pleasuremuse.com hi Dolly, welcome back to the show. First off, I realize that you haven't been on since 2017.

Now it's been a couple of years.

So it's really good to see you and I'm excited. But what I realize is I'd love to hear about your own healing story because on your website you say this part of your bio that your self development and personal healing following your first marriage led you to realize that erotic possibility is our own responsibility. So can you just talk to us about how you healed, how you got on this path?

Yeah, of course. And it's been a continuing journey. But I was in basically a sexless marriage and this is somebody that I loved. I love this man. But whatever I did, our sexual compatibility was just not working out. I was feeling like, what's wrong with me? I'm too fat, I'm too this. All the what ifs. I don't know what it was, but we were just not compatible. And I Tried all sorts of things. And until I finally had the courage in my mind to say this part of my life is really important. During my time of my healing through the divorce, I don't wish that upon anybody, but I really started to feel this connection with myself. I did a lot of self touch. I am like professional masturbator. But not just that. It was like a more of an embodied way of where I needed it as a nurturing capacity, not just like to put myself to sleep. I did a lot of mirror work just being with myself and like that I'm okay. Because when somebody goes through a divorce, whether it's because of no sex or whatever, the reason is that what usually happens is what was wrong with me. And we need to go out there in the world and feel validated. And once I got through my my self time and I was feeling a little bit more confident, oh my God, I had fun. I was like, Mr. October, Mr. November. I just wanted to go explore and make sure, like, am I okay? Am I attractive? And I had a good time. And luckily when I met Jason, my husband, you know, Jason, I love Jason. We were like on the same. We were so compatible through the kind.

Of work that you do now as well, right?

I didn't find this current work until I married Jason. And then I went through another little slump with all the body stuff because we were trying to get pregnant. I would get pregnant, but my body was not able to maintain the pregnancies. I was a TV producer at the time. All this high stress. So then he said, well, maybe take a break, look at your health. And one of our holistic doctors wrote a book, the Brighton Baby. It's like all the things to make yourself healthy to prepare for pregnancy. And one of the chapters was for Men, and it talked about a prostate massage. And my husband, because he's curious, I mean, we're like super curious, compatible people in this way. He was asking him about it and he said, well, I have a friend who could teach Dolly how to do this. And meanwhile, our sex was like, about procreation. Procreation, procreation. And a lot of like our natural spark and intimacy was so focused on this. And I had two stepsons. I mean, I was enjoying the tasting of being a mother in that way. But when Jason was curious about this, it was like date night prostate massage. And so I went to the woman who eventually became a mentor to me, Ellen Heed, and she says, you were just, will you be natural at this? And so when I went to do my Training in sexological body work. I tested out and I had some great progress with clients. And he sees it, he supports it, he thinks it's amazing. And we have grown exponentially as a couple because of it.

Mm, Dali. I think it's beautiful. Thank you for sharing all of that, because you're someone who really inspires me. We met probably right after you did sexological bodywork training in our somatic healing therapy. It is a very profound healing method. But how would you define what somatic healing is?

Soma means of the body. So we're basically tuning into the body, really looking to see the wisdom of the body and what it has to teach us. All of us are overthinkers. We're just like bobbleheads. Okay? Think, think, think. Our heads get bigger and all we do is overthink. And we always override our body. We get instincts, we get intuitions. We have these feelings. I can't do one more day of blah, blah, blah or whatever it is. And what do we do? We still don't listen. And we keep overriding our bodies. Actually, what they start to do is dumb out, they numb out, and then you start to feel less enjoyment goes away. Everything feels a little more gray, not like bright and colorful. So a somatic sexological body worker is. We are co creating a session looking at habits that a client may have that they come to us and they. There's something that they want to heal, there's something that just doesn't feel right, or they have sexual incompatibility. Teaching people how to get out of their habits and actually move free to feel the body, to listen, to be fantasy free. We create habits and to get out of those habits in a way that feels safe. And we have a code of ethics. I'm not bringing my erotic energy in these sessions. I'm there just really holding space. Really, especially my female clients, is really being a sister to really help support them, to be non judgmental, to help unwind shame. And until we learn how pleasure can be activated in the body, Layering in embodiment techniques, the breath, movement, touch, sound, real focused attention. One does not know what's possible in our body because we bring with sexuality so many stigmas or shoulds or how it's supposed to look like, and we forget to really be present to it. So we teach you how to be present in your different states of arousal and really have agency over your sexuality, over your sensuality, and to be at choice. That's the key thing, to be at choice for how you want to express yourself as a neurotic being. Because people are actually walking around doing things because they think they should or because somebody else is pressuring them or thinking they should do or act in a certain way sexually.

You mean, like. So what you're referring to is like, more like performative sex or stuff. Just like, what's wrong with me that I don't have this desire? So what I love about what you do is what you're saying is, like, you help people recognize when they actually are genuinely turned on and aroused and what that process looks like. You kind of like walk them through their bodies with them.

Exactly. There's two things that I really love the most right now. Vulva mapping. But lately I've been into this whole vulva hug meditation. But I'll get to that. Because my vulva hug meditation came about because of my mapping, like hundreds of women.

Yes. And we are going to include a vulva hug meditation with you at the end of this episode for everyone to listen in at home.

And this idea of mapping, you can do it for penises, too. Anuses, even before anuses, rectums. Like, you can do all of this because there's all this shame to unwind. But it's in a safe container. We have gloves, and it's just when the person is ready and you don't just get on the table right away. And we do bodywork. It's literally a process of, like, having the safety unwinding. Whatever issues they're bringing to us, we have to have a sense that we can trust their body so that we can help them hear the messages of their body. So you may not have a mapping like on first session with a sexological body worker, but mapping is going point by point. It's understanding the anatomy, a woman's vulva. We have the vestibular bulbs that are inside of the outer labia. You have all of the perineum, the perineal sponge, the urethral sponge, all of these different things. So there's the vulva mapping and then there's vaginal mapping. So you're learning the anatomy, but this is the difference. You cannot just look at a graph and figure it out. A somatic sexological body worker is guiding you to have a felt experience. If you do not feel it in your body, you will not heal, you will not learn, you will not excel, Expand the pleasure possibility, or you won't notice if there's some numbing or some pain that might need to be released or a story held there. Our temples are our Yoniverse, like they hold so much. I mean, especially if we've had some visitors down there.

So every visitor that I've had, maybe imprint there.

We might just need to heal and like cleanse them. Out of there.

Question for you though. So let's back up before we get into the intricacies of vulva mapping and all the stuff you're doing. People are craving comfort in their bodies. They're tired of feeling sexually frustrated, they're embarrassed, they're broken. Sex is a chore. Would you say that that's what a lot of the vulva owners are saying when they come to you or there's pain?

Yes, that. But I also don't want people to think that it's only. You only come to see somebody if you have pain because a small percentage, but I wish that it would grow, come in because they're just curious. They're like, I have a great sex, but I just, I don't. I want to know more. Or I have great sex, but I only climax in the same way. Are there other ways to climax? Or I have a new partner and we love each other so much, but the touch. Can you teach him to touch me and to understand my anatomy better? So there are all of these reasons. But some of my favorite clients, they are a little bit of the shy ones. I don't want to convince anybody that they need this. They have to be like, I want this. But they're a little shy. Religious dogma, cultural stuff, just this whole idea of empowerment. They're nervous, so it takes them a minute to feel really comfortable.

That's incredible, Dolly. Because I think so many people email the show, they call in a lot of vulvas. They wonder if they're orgasming correctly or they could only do it with their legs tightly together. Right. Or they can only get on top or the bottom. Or they want to learn new ways. So let's talk about that for a minute. Like how would you work with Avulva on understanding where you even start?

Well, how it looks is. We begin just with our client chat. Okay. Then I start to develop and teach them embodiment skills. So even just in their chair, I do this awakening, the hand exercise. I use that. It's a safe place to start to embellish on self touch. Because remember, I'm also getting some who are nervous about self touch. I have a woman who even came to me and she says, everything below my waist is for my husband. That's not for me. And she's actually a boudoir. Photographer. And she says, and I spread your stuff. And I thought if I can get this embodiment stuff, if I can understand what's going down there, what's possible for me and what could I even help my clients with to help them get more embodied?

It's amazing.

But this idea for people, especially who my. I seem to attract heteronormative couples is this idea that even expanding this conversation and talking about sex is a big deal. Because where heteronormativity gets a bad rap is they talk about nothing. It's for it's privacy, it's for the private. Or oh, it's below the waist, is for somebody else and. Or I can't even go and explore because of religion. Another woman just came into me with her religious background. They have to hide everything. You just cut everything off and then boom, they're married and they're supposed to be these sex queens. Well, how are they supposed to learn this exactly?

Dalli? So what do you mean? It's funny because whether you were raised in extreme religion and you weren't allowed or just feeling like we should just know with the limited information that we get about sex, that's actually accurate. How do we commit to you? So I'm thinking about these women who are saying it's for my husband and. And then yeah, the first session she's not on your table. But maybe after a few you'd start to.

What we do is we start to build trust with the body that they can just tune and drop in. So I give them embodiment exercises and they have self touch homework. So in sexological body work, we call it orgasmic yoga practice because it's a practice. It's not like masturbation to get to climax. If a climax happens, wonderful. But we take a break from some of your habits. If there's over toy use, over porn use, over fantasy use. We're about being with the body. Back to that mirror work that I did even before, you know, I did sexological body work. Just being able to be in the presence. Because really we want to teach you to be in the presence of your brilliance and to like start to see yourself like this erotic sensual creature that you just want to touch. If you don't want to touch yourself, how can you expect your body to be welcoming the touch of another? So for one person to have agency and to say, this is my body, this is not some dark hole down there, like vapid. It's like, no, let me take you on a tour of what really feels good to Me. And that's a really sexy turn on when a woman is really empowered. So back to just beginning with some embodiment steps, some self touch homework. And then when a mapping happens, we always may have a goal for the mapping, but if the body says something different, it won't happen. One time I had the longest vulva hug in the world. And I always teach a woman to cup their vulva to like give a little hug before we begin grounding the body, all of this stuff. And so over the sheet, asking permission, would it be okay? Check in with your body? And she said yes. But she was really distant. She was like with her eyes closed the whole time. And it was kind of a yes. And I just said, you breathe into it and make sure that feels comfortable. So finally I felt like it was safe enough that I could touch her. But then I said, what do you need? She said, we can just go on. And I could tell she wasn't really absorbing it. And I could tell from her we can just go on. That she's used to just being done to. Because she was not engaging with her eyes. She was just starting to go off. And I asked her, I said, before we do that, I just wanted to have you open your eyes and be with me for a minute. You know, I'm just here, I'm your sister. We're just here exploring and getting this information from your body. And I guided her breathing into her vulva. What does she notice about my hands? And then I said, does your vulva really want me to leave and just move on to the next thing? And she stayed quiet for, for a couple of minutes. And it was the hardest couple of minutes to not like want to say anything. You need to give the space because for vulva to speak, she needs, she needs a little space because they're not used to being spoken to.

No. No one ever asks how she's doing, how's her day, what does she want? It's very rare to anyone. Yeah.

And, and she said, you know what, she wants you to stay there. She feels really comforted. And I said, beautiful, thank you. So let's just stay here for a little bit. And then I started to do what's called somatic dialoguing, asking her, is there any messages that you have for your vulva? And she started to go on and saying, I'm so sorry, I've ignored you. And then when we went to, what does your vulva have to say to you? She started to say things like, she's growing up, she's Going from a young woman right now underneath your hands, like she's feeling blossomed, she's feeling empowered, she's stepping into what she wants. And it was so incredible because that was just giving the space and time and truly the whole session could have been complete right there because what she gained was enormous. And you know what I like to offer too, is just this idea of the difference of orgasm versus climax.

Oh, okay, let's talk about that.

Yes, because traditionally orgasm is considered like the peak. But because this exploration of the body, if we expand our erotic vocabulary to include orgasmicity, then we're just trying to create a body or sensations in our body, in our neck, wherever, any parts that orgasmicity can start building presence. So if you think of your pleasure meter, the pleasure meter, a 10 is a climax. So what a climax is is when the triangular muscles of your vaginal opening of your introitus, when they contract because all the blood has been surrounded, because you're aroused, you're engorged, all your erectile tissues engorged. So the peak moment, when you're at the 10, those muscles are contracting re releasing the blood back out. That's the ultimate peak. So I like to say climax, and then I like to say play around with your orgasmicity and play at the 6 and the 7 at the 8 of your pleasure meter.

So it's like the edging, if you will.

Yeah, it's a little bit of the edging, but then there's things that you can find that feel orgasmic throughout the day that you can continue to let build up. So then you have more choice. So we're just expanding the menu.

I love Dolly's insights. I want to keep going, but we've got to take a quick break. When we come back, Dolly walks me through a vulva mapping and how it can truly open vulva owners up to a whole new world of pleasure.

So here we are asking people who have vovas to connect to it, because we spend so much time hating on it, not liking it, thinking it's for somebody else, thinking we can't look, and it's all wrong. However, when I'm thinking about the culture at large, nobody celebrates the vulva. Like, if you think about it, like, everything's phallic, right? There's phallic buildings, and we all hail to the phallic structures. And the penis, the penis, all about the penis. But the vulva, when you mostly think about it, it's like hidden. It's always a receiver. It just gets downgraded. And criticized. And it's this member of our society that just doesn't get any love. And when it does, it's usually sort of derogatory or we're trying to control it, or we're trying to, you know, police it, or we're talking about how it looks funny. And so, like, if we don't connect, if we don't take control and have agency over our own vulvas, like, who else is going to. Right, and so.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, where was this information in biology? Who was going to teach us? When were they going to teach us? Were they going to teach us when we had our period? Were they going to teach us when we got out of high school, got into college, got our first job, got married, got divorced. Perryman I like. Unless I got on this path. Who are they? Who is they? They is us.

They is the women. It's the women. We supporting women.

So, yeah. And so it's like it's up to each individual woman to be like, I have a power center that's at the root. It's your first and your second chakra. It roots you, it grounds you, it expands your creativ. Like that's journaling and vulva hugging and mapping. I always tell women get these skills because of the fact our bodies go through changes. So you're going to want to be able to go in and explore and heal. It's like layers of the onion. We need to just heal them out of our body.

Get all the boys out of my vulva. Can we map them out of the vulva? Dolly, you vulva mapped me years ago when you first started. But yes. Yeah, we're gonna.

We should revisit that again because I think I've even got my skill set and what I offer is even better.

Yeah, six years ago. But what exactly happens during a vulva mapping? Let's get. Because I don't know if we really got right into it. So let's. For people who don't know, because I'm telling you, Dolly, most people don't know what that is.

No, it's a really new concept. It's a sexological bodywork concept where we are mapping point by point. So I'm taking my finger with my gloves and we are going only with what the body is ready. So like that vulva hug woman, if. If her body was done after that and she did not want me to explore, we would have been done because her body would have told us. Okay, so evolva mapping, we're just going to the External genitalia. So vulva is the outside part. Yeah. Okay, so everybody says vagina, right? We talked about that in the beginning. We're like, no, we got to say vulva, not vagina. So the vulva are the outer lips and the inner lips. And here's my little vulva puppet. And the clitoral hood and the front commissure and all of these yummy parts. And so they are like. Like these beautiful red curtains behind me are. Vulva is like the beautiful different colored, some darker, some pinker, some just more earthy. Just the beautiful curtains that cover all of these treasures of our erectile beds. And I do the sexological bodywork position, which is actually you get on the massage table. I straddle the massage table. And then she will put her legs over my legs because then it supports my back and I can get it all over bits. She's covered with a sheet. And then as she's ready, we can lift the sheet and we can go point by point. So we're checking the outer lips, each of the outer lips. We're noticing the potential for numbness or any pain. And so we have the potential to remediate some of that. And we're looking at your pleasure meter, where, as I continue this touch, do you have the potential for pleasure? So we're collecting information, and people are often surprised at how one side has more pleasure than the other. Then at a certain point, we get in different oils that are healing. The vulva takes so much time that typically we have to do a vaginal mapping another time. Sometimes we can get through it, but I'm dealing with stories that people are telling me. Things are coming up, tears are happening. Like I said, things are stored there. Or people are just really surprised. But as I continue to move, they are doing what's called somatic learning. They're feeling and they're having the felt experience as I'm touching and they are moving through, understanding their anatomy, they're connecting with it. So we find their treasure spots. We just find the juicy spots. They're like, okay, this is where you want to go, and this is where you can go. We discover so many things. The clitoral shaft. When hallelujah, like, oh, praise the clitoral shaft. When I discovered this little popping sensation for my own body. Some vulvas hate it, but we just try it all to see what they like, because they don't even know. They're like, what? I have a shaft? Yes, my dear, you have a shaft. If you were a different chromosome, it Would have become your penis shaft. You have a clitoral shaft, but all the parts. But things look different. There might be a very pronounced clitoral glands or the head. It might just be a little speck. So we're looking. I'll have a flashlight and a mirror. And sometimes they'll sit up and they'll look themselves. But I truly like the first time to be a felt experience, that they just have the opportunity to feel and not look. Sometimes when women look, then the judgments start rolling in.

That's great. I think that's such a good practice to not look. And I remember I was surprised to find that on one side there was more. There was like a little bit of pain. And I don't experience pain, but I remember feeling like, oh, that spot was tender, like one spot. And I thought, oh, okay, that's something to pay attention to. So when you're saying that, a lot comes up for people when you're doing this. Is this like people say, trauma stored in your body? Are you saying that when you do this work, sometimes they're just the tears because maybe they've never received this kind of touch. They've never paid this kind of attention. Or do they remember things as traumas? Memories.

It's a lot of memories. One time I had a couple, a wonderful couple. And actually.

She had just recently shared with him about a rape that happened to her right before they got married. And they wanted to come and heal some of that. And he. She wanted him to be in the room, so he sat in the chair. Things that she remembered saying during that time were coming up, and she really wanted him. Like, at a certain point, she said, can I just want him to hold my hand to help her get through that? But other things just might happen from a childbirth or from rough sex or.

You don't know why. I mean, me, I had so much pain. The first person to vaginal nap me, I was in my sexological body work school. I had Jason, my husband, and he's like, I don't know what I'm doing. Like, well, I'm going to read the directions. I'm going to show you some videos. And he put his finger in this one spot inside of my vagina. And I was like, what? What do I do? I'm like, don't move your finger. Just stay there. And literally, he held his finger and it just like the presence, he. I could feel it. He could feel it unwinding, the winding, the unwinding. And so you can feel the unwinding. And when we continue to touch. We're stories. Sometimes people just cry and they don't know why. So they just feel sensitive. They feel emotion, they feel compassion. They feel bad for themselves that they've ignored their bodies. A lot of the women, especially though, who come in are like in their 40s or 50s. They're like the kids, they're a little more grown up, or they're going through a divorce, or they're wanting to save their marriage and they're. They just say, you know what? I am going to take this time and I'm going to learn about my body. But then, remember, Covid happened and I couldn't work.

Right.

I know.

I was like, right? I know.

But, dude, you. And I went on that walk and I was trying to do this vulva mapping one person at a time, and I was like, wow, the online zoom mappings. I don't even need to see genitals. I just need to be with you. I just need to see your face. Just like I'm seeing your face here and I'm guiding you and you're discovering. It was so powerful. And what I loved about it is that I actually shifted this, my attachment to my hands on the body to like, oh, my God, this is so powerful. I'm getting the women to touch themselves. And you said, dolly, can you make a video that it's more accessible for more people so you don't have to give your time, but you just do this video. So you helped inspire my online course.

Oh, yes, I totally remember that. So how is that going then? The course is amazing, right? People can do so you can do this so everyone can hear Dolly and you walk them through, they can map themselves with your guidance.

This course is a premium course. I beta tested it recently and it's gonna be out in the new year again. When I look at the work that I do with a private client that takes me about 14 hours to get through, I've collapsed it to four hours. Four. That's still a lot. But this is why this is a premium product. So. So you can either reserve five days of your life and do it an hour, hour and a half, a day, or five weeks, because it's a journey. Like, you can't just go to like, map yourself and then an hour later go vaginally map yourself. You have to. It's a process.

We don't want to take the time as a thing. I know. We all want quick fixes. We all want to be able to go in. I got Volvo mapped and now I'm ready to go. But everything, whether it's even just communicating with your partner, understanding your body through masturbation is a practice. Anything that's worth having takes time.

So I really challenge every woman out there listening. I challenge every man out there listening. Anybody who loves a vulva, okay? That the time that a woman needs to be and to cherish and to worship her life force, this is like our powerhouse. It's just amazing. And we dismiss it. Like you said earlier, it drives me crazy when I hear people say, oh, don't be such a pussy. You know what? It's an honor to be a pussy. Because it's so pussy. It's so powerful. Emily, your show, it's so pussy. My vulva mapping, it's so pussy. And I mean that, like, celebrate it. Stop the pejorative. Stop. And so this whole idea of the time that it takes a woman taking the time. And this is why women who are in more excruciating pain, they want to get out of that pain so they're more willing to take the time. Do you see what I'm saying? You see the difference? Oh, I can get through it. Oh, I can fake an orgasm. Oh, I know how to get myself off. Oh, just put lube and you can go in. We. Over time, that's gonna build up to just not feeling much. And you're just. You're doing yourself a disservice.

You really are. That's so true, Dolly, that we. It's almost like we have to be on fire. It has to be like, super painful for us to come in. But we're telling you that if it's just faking orgasms or it's not having any pleasure or just taking one for the team and having sex with your partner, that is a level of pain that you don't have to live with. It might be more of an emotional pain. It might be more like a repressed pain. Cause you've convinced yourself that that's okay. But no one has to live that way. And women, we spend so much time on our outer. Right. Presence, you know, myself included, right? All the things I do to be ready externally. But what's going on with our bodies is going to give you so much more pleasure and purpose and connection than anything else. You can do like that other stuff doesn't matter. Once you are more connected to your power source. It is your power source. How do we like. It's.

It's so true. I was doing a vulva mapping just a couple of days ago, and we were exploring the outer lip and we're going up and down and she was feeling more pleasure higher because it's connecting with her clitoral structure underneath. But the more we. Then when we started to get into here, down here on the outer kind of part of the inner, and the outer is your vestibular bulbs, which is also part of the clitoral structure. But when engorgement happens, they balloon open, they like swell up. And that's what helps the curtains part so that it can part up. And so I just brought my finger down here, just. Oh my gosh, that feels so different. So we allowed some time and some different touch and some oil. And she says, oh my goodness. So when you can connect with different parts of your anatomy, you can visualize it during sex. So now she's going to have this experience of oh, this is what that is. When they're bouncy, when they're buoyant, then it's going to be more ready to receive because look, here's my floppy.

It's a floppy penis.

It's a floppy penis. And I teach, I do a lot of teachings with this. But what I want to show is who would expect a non erect penis to be dtf? If it's a floppy, it's not ready. But yet we expect the vulva in its non engorged state to be ready. Now I love the floppies. Like all penises and all their incarnations need love because they can feel like they. And that's another thing. Women feel like they shouldn't touch a penis unless it's erect. No go.

Yeah, well, we gotta teach this. I get it.

My equivalent for the vulva hug is go do a cock cuddle.

A cock cuddle. I love all of that dolly. But it's true. The vulva most of the time and the vagina is not awake. It's floppy in its own way.

It's floppy in its own way.

It's floppy. Not aroused, not erect.

Now our clitoral shaft can get erect. This is we. I'm sure you've talked with other people like her or her rection or like there's all these different names, right? A lady bone or all those things. That's because your clitoral shaft will actually go raise up. And also when you are aroused, your anatomy starts to move up to create more space so that your cervix can lift. Oh my gosh. One time I had a woman, she was not feeling much and then I touched her cervix and she was like, oh my God. And these tears started flooding. And her story of I just make myself available. I'm that girl who just wants to. Who just wants to be dtf. And so I just want to. I just get it going. And I make myself so available. And her cervix was in so much pain. And we started dialoguing and she started to apologize to her cervix that she would put her through these situations. I am not kidding you. Her cervix moved. My finger was just on it. And her cervix moved back. And I looked her, she looked at it. I was like, did you feel that? She's like, yes. And then I move my fingers and see, there's more space. It literally moved back under my finger.

Oh, my God.

I know. She was up. She was apologizing to it and having a moment. I mean, this is the power of somatic healing. You have to feel it. You can't think it. I can't tell you. Apologize to your cervix and it'll move back. Like, you have to feel it.

Sorry for all those bad decisions. You have to feel it. You have to feel it. When you think about pleasure, how do we live in a more orgasmic state?

This, my dear, is the foundation of our work, of my work. This is embodiment. And people think, oh, what the heck is embodiment? And it's simple. I'm going to tell it to you and you're going to think, it's so simple. It's breath, it's movement, it's sound, it's touch, and it's placement of awareness or focus.

So it's our senses.

It's our senses. But it's being active. It's not being. It's bringing active breath, it's bringing active sound, it's bringing touch. This is why in the beginning with my clients, bringing them and teaching them to do an embodied self touch, practice putting aside all your quick go tos. Awesome. I don't judge them. It's great that you know that your body has this access. I love it. But let's try something else. So layering in the touch and actually having the breath and the movement in your body because you can feel more. So it's like having a bite of chocolate. You take a bite of a chocolate bar and you just crunch. It tastes a little waxy. But if I just tell you right now to just think about chocolate, Emily, to think about the smell of chocolate. And then if I were to present a chocolate in front of your nose and you smelled it we have erectile in our nose and that whole oral things of the ears. But if you slow things down, it's pacing too. I think part of embodiment should also. The pillars of embodiment don't say, slow it down, people. But if you want to relax and feel possibility, you have to relax. So it's accessing that parasympathetic nervous system. So the breath, when I tell you slow down your breath. We're shallow breathers. Our breath naturally, for many people, stays up on top. But if it goes down, extending into your belly, and your exhale is longer and you can start going.

And then bringing in some movement and then playing with touch, touching over your clothes, over your underwear, and then seeing what it's like with hand directly to skin. So playing with these things, but bringing in this concept of all of those pillars of embodiment, it slows you down. And I know it seems simple, but again, it's about people taking the time to do it. My clients who do their homework, huge breakthroughs. The clients who don't, they're like, it worked really well when I was in the office with you, but it hasn't stuck with, well, what have you done? I don't have time.

It's time. It is. But what they realize is that you're getting time back by taking the time to prioritize your own body, prioritize your.

Pleasure, and it's the ability to relax.

You can get started on this journey just by even just remembering the show or playing it back to yourself or just saying, like, next time. What would be a quick tip next time you were touching yourself?

Well, first, before one can identify arousal in their body, they have to start to have an ability to have somatic awareness that starts to build into attunement. So what does that mean? My best and number one question that I ask every client after we have any experience or any touch, what are you noticing? So if they can drop into. What am I noticing? If they go into story. Okay, now what are you noticing? Like, what are you noticing under your skin? I'm noticing some warmth. I'm noticing some electricity. Oh, this next time that we touched it, I'm noticing that it moved someplace else. Oh, I could feel it. So the more you touch, the more you activate your nerve endings. And so as you notice these things, you have that awareness of your body. Then you can start to feel to be able to put yourself into a place of arousal so that you can slow down. And I'm noticing I'm tense, I'm Noticing this. So let me just bring some breath and then relax. And then more things become available so they feel more flushed in their body, they feel more full. I like to call it like orgasmicity from head to toe. So we're moving the pleasure away just from the genitals so that you can actually feel full body orgasmicity. And then because you're having that relaxed state, that's when big climaxes can happen. People are so tense and so tight, their climaxes cannot happen. Like they're constricting blood flow. You have to just that softness, I mean it's like this embracing of the softness. And even the male clients, them finding that, you would be surprised how many people clench right before they're going to ejaculate. And it's that breath and then it can be bigger and better. So it's really them just doing the homework and saying, this is what I noticed. And then when I did this or I layered that in, oh, judgment really came out on this day. But then the next day I went back in and I tried that. So it's really in the noticing. And I know that that sounds like a woo woo holistic thing, but it's noticing the sensations and being with it because then you can be with the sensation and actually have it activate over time it starts to like fill up. Instead of just the hand, it might fill up the whole arm. And then after time I'm touching my hand or my arm, I don't have to touch. I can just think about touch in my hand or my arm and I can feel it. So then I'm activating and moving that arousal in my body. I can squeeze and release my pelvic floor before I get on a phone call. You can just squeeze, release it. I can feel the warmth from my lingering past vulva hugs and it can ground me immediately. I can start to build arousal. The other thing is when you receive like if, if you touch yourself or somebody else touches you, if you start to absorb that touch and you really absorb it, like I don't want it to sound like selfish, but like you take it in, then you're like moving that touch and that sensation through your body.

Yes, that's good.

So it's a connection. The psychological body work is, is about the somatic experience. Of course there's sexual things. I have a huge. Why I'm a great masturbator is because I have fantasy. I had long distance boyfriends all throughout high school and college. So my fantasy really helped me become a great masturbator but how can one have climax free a fantasy? And you're just following the sensations and letting it build.

I think that's a really important point. Dolly, try not to fantasize. And every time you do, would you say, dolly, go back to your. What you're feeling in the moment? That's.

Yeah. So there's that fantasy. And you. You don't want to have judgment. You just. You're like, okay, Yep, I know. That's a good one. Yep. I'm gonna breathe. Just go on the sidelines and then come back to, what am I noticing? Where am I feeling? That's why, like, in my own personal meditation, that hand on my vulva keeps me there so that I'm not going to my grocery list, you know what I mean? I'm keeping connected with the root of my body with my hand there. And so it's about the touch and then the breath. Like, it's literally these tools of embodiment dancing in and out to have you have a fuller experience. So how does fantasy not come in to play with fantasy? Not everybody is fantasy wired. So if that's like, how, then you must be fantasy wired. It's a very hard thing for me, even with my embodiment skills to really take it off. I had a strong practice once. I'm the total pillow humper. Pressure. That's my style. That's my go to. And I was really committed during my training to really be with sensation and engorgement of the vulva. So on my back, touching and moving, y'. All. I was like 45 minutes, but it was that touching and moving and then pulling the hand away. Touching and moving and holding and allowing. It was so vulnerable. I actually had a really difficult time because my open legs with self touch, it created such a vulnerable thing that I was a little afraid to release. But then I started playing just a little bit more in the. The clitoral head and the plane with the shaft. And everything was so engorged and had blossomed open. I was so afraid. My go to was like, just turn around, right? Just make it rough and just get it over with. But it was the first time that I just had a pure sensation release of touching, touching, touching. And it just was like slow and long.

Slow and long. And I started bawling afterwards.

And I just kept coming back to the sensation. What are you feeling? What are you feeling? Then if something gets too much, you move to something else because you can find your really yummy spot. And then you keep touching, it gets annoying. So you have to kind of just play around it, but you have to do the breath and the movement. And I'm moving my hips and I'm making sound. Ah. And all of these things because it activates it. All of those fantasy things that we have, they're, like, emulating what really. What an. I mean, they're. I don't think they're embodied, but because they're performative. But if you can get in the sound and the movement and all of that in a real, honest, loving way, it's very vulnerable. It's very vulnerable. I hadn't felt something that tender. I gave myself the space and time and tenderness and let everything engorge. And then I just let it be a slow, climactic release that lasted a long time. Like, my body on my back. No pressure, no pushing, no toy. Just. It was so intense for me, and I just couldn't. I just. I can't explain it, which is. I felt tearful, joyful. I just. It was such a big release that it was like. Then it became a crygasm.

A crygasm. I love it. Dolly. Were you able to then replicate that then in your. Like, do you no longer need that kind of pressure anymore?

I need less pressure, Yes. I still love pressure. But remember, it's about having choice. It's about having choice. But I can use less because you know where my fantasy goes now? Where my fantasy goes to visualizing my anatomy. So it's not fantasy, because I'm visualizing the present moment. But I'm not kidding you. Like, when that woman the other day felt the vestibular bulbs, and I was like, great. Because me, when I discovered my vestibular bulbs, I could feel them, and I could feel them, like, hugging my husband's cock, and I could just feel it gripping, and he would turn me on to think about my anatomy. I was like, oh, yes, they're bouncy and they're grabbing. It would, like, literally turn me on. Or if I'd feel a spot inside. One of my nice spots is the. A spot right behind the urethral sponge, the G crest. I can feel it. And I just start to visualize the anatomy in the spot, and it's like, boom. Blood flow happens there, and the pleasure starts to build. So I wouldn't call that fantasy. I'm, like, literally visualizing my anatomy and what's happening down there. Like, I want to be magic school bus and going to see what's going on down there. It turns me on to think about what's actually going on down there.

Yeah, it's just a new narrative. Literally it's like a new narrative than following this old narrative or supplanting it with the knowledge of your body and what's actually happening. So in a way you are very focused on something but it's a fantasy that.

Yeah, yeah. So we have fun with it, but we also have ourselves time and space. The thing that I tell every couple, Emily one day will help me with this but is the whole every couple should have a massage table to do one way touch. Because if there's beautiful intentional loving touch that somebody then doesn't have to give right back. Because a lot of times too in partnerships we don't take the time to really feel fully and then that's when sexual healing can't happen. That's when vulnerability can't happen because it becomes about like getting to the climax. Partnered sex. I love it, but I love to take turns to just be able to give my husband so he can fully receive and for him to fully give to me so I can fully receive again.

Another choice on your site they can check out your course, right?

Yes. So now for the holidays I'm launching this but it's going to be available all the time. It's plug in for the holidays. The vulva hug meditation. So I'm guiding you through a 25 minute gorgeous thing. You can just grab it as a present to yourself. And then a few weeks later into the new year, there'll be my embodiment 101. There'll be also body anchor meditation. There are some people who may not be ready for the vulva hug. They might need to create some safety in their body before they go to touch their genitals. And this is what I'm saying, listening to your body, not just like I'm just going to go there because Dolly or Emily said it like is your body ready for it? And then yes. My touch feel Connect online vulva mapping course for those who really want to take some luxurious time. And the way I would say how you can experience pleasure in your body is just savor the chocolate in your mouth. Let it melt, suck the chocolate. Feel when your body emerges into the hot water of a bath. Take a bath, don't shower. Literally just feel the water surround your body. Go get massages. If you can't get to a sexological body worker, start getting used to feeling touch. Look at how touch starved we are. Our bodies need it because of the oxytocin. This is why my vulva hug meditation is so powerful. Because you are just sending all the self love and you're accessing all this oxytocin. Since I've been doing this practice, Jason, my husband, it's just like, wow, you're just showing up so much more present. I'm dealing with perimenopause too. So I'm like, sometimes like, I was like so angry about things, but I'm telling you, this is balancing me because he says, he says, wow, you didn't get angry at that. I know. I'm like, okay, my low estrogen is chilled out because I've rebooted my body with a little extra oxytocin chosen from this vulva hug. There are things that we can do right now and really two things. What is your intention and how can you pay attention? Okay. Your body is craving you. I know it sounds sexy. Oh, this date that day. Emily and I are teasing about this. But really, who? Your body, whether you're a penis owner or a vulva owner, wants your attention. So pay attention to it and bring a good intention in your self touch to have curiosity and exploration.

Yeah, just curiosity. That's a great one. Thank you. Dolly. Stick around. After I asked Dolly my quickie questions, she's going to lead everyone in a guided vulva penis hug meditation. You don't want to miss it.

We talked about how you can have more pleasure, but what would you say are the pleasure thieves? What's stealing our pleasure so we can look at.

I think what's stealing people is an addiction to dopamine. Okay, so dopamine is the quick fixes. When you get the likes on your social media stuff, when you can just pop on porn and see 20 different bodies or 2000 different bodies in X amount of time. Like just this overstimulation, it's just activating the dopamine. Dopamine, dopamine, it's a pleasure center. Yes, it feels good in the moment, but it's a quick high and it's a quick burn. And so that actually it's fooling people to think that that's pleasure.

It's like artificial, it's beneficial.

And so you're robbing yourself of feeling the full experience of your oxytocin. And nitric oxide and dopamine, the combination. After my clients try the hugging or the embodied self touch, they start to feel more floaty. Like when you're embodied and you're feeling really yummy. If you've ever had an amazing making love section with a partner or with yourself, you feel almost drunk for like a Couple of hours.

That's when you've activated all of your pleasure hormones. And that's when you're fully like, just like, oh, you're just tousled and sensual. It's the best. And when you don't and you just rub out a quick one or you have a quick, quick sex, it's like, that was great. But then there's an intensity that can show up in your life. 20 or 30 minutes later, you feel like, more intense.

Hmm. I love that. Dolly, thank you so much. I think that you're doing such important work and I love that you've been able to bring it online so everybody can access what you're doing. Because I think that it's time for everyone who has a vulva or you have one in your life, it's really important just to slow it down, to take a look. Do your own mirror act exercises. At least hug your vulva today or hug the vulva in your life that you love. So, Dolly, I want to ask you the five questions we ask all of our guests. The quickie questions.

Yes.

All right.

What's your biggest turn on.

Anticipation?

Biggest turnoff?

Disembodiment.

What makes good sex?

Slowness.

Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

That you don't have to do certain things to earn acceptance.

What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

That learning and expanding your knowledge and your erotic vocabulary. That is just a lifelong journey. And get on the ride and just to get curious.

Get curious. I love it. Dolly, thank you so much. Where can people find you?

They can find me@pleasure muse.com.

And I also have Instagram at Pleasure Muse and on the sexologicalbodyworkers.org website where you can find certified sexological body workers.

For those of you who are interested, Dolly's gonna lead us in a guided vulva penis hug meditation. If you aren't in the right place to meditate now, but you wanna do this later, feel free to pause the episode and come back to it next time you're home. Okay, how should we start, Dolly?

So I want you just to get a sense of the seat underneath you.

Feeling your feet just on the ground.

And just bringing your awareness to your sit bones in the chair.

If you're able to lean back into the chair, that would be really great. And just allow your legs to open up just a little bit. I'm going to guide you into a deep breath.

Noticing where your breath lands. And the most important thing is to have your exhalation be longer so I'm going to guide you in. We'll just do a couple of these, counting to three and exhaling to four. So 1, 2, 3, pause and exhale. 2, 3, 4.

Good, do that again. 2, 3.

And exhale.

I just want you to do a little squeeze of your pelvic floor, your PC muscle, like you're holding back from pain. Squeeze and release it, don't hold it. Just saying hello to your vulva. Inviting her to the conversation and having a thought. Just kind of checking in with her. Would it be okay to give you a hug? Would it be okay to give it a little connection? If you get a strong no, just stay breathing with your hands on your lap. But if you get a yes, I want you just to do a couple little drive bys and you might have to angle your body like I'm going to move into more of a lowrider position so I can angle and actually cut my whole hand over my vulva. So using your dominant hand, if she was a yes. After you've just kind of warmed it up and then I'm putting my dominant hand down first with my second hand.

Close your eyes and just settle in. Adjust your hand until you find the place that's just right.

Going over the edge of the pubic bone down towards your perineum. Just holding, not worrying about the anatomy really. Just feeling a sense for the warmth of your hand or maybe coolness.

Taking in three breaths here.

M giving a little squeeze of your pelvic floor again if you would like.

Noticing if that warmth hugging your vulva is expanded. If you're feeling a little bit more rooted, a little bit more grounded.

Connecting your body.

With your mind, with your soul. Just a way to drop in quickly. Connecting with your life force.

Just wanting to give you a taste of this because we could go on for 15 minutes and just be quiet but and have your energy move up your spine at the top of your head.

Just give her another little squeeze before you thank her in your mind. Thanking her for letting you visit with her.

And that it's important.

For you to start just to begin a dialogue, building a bridge that you want to know more about what she wants.

Your team.

Seeing if she has any messages for you.

And then when you're ready, moving your feet, bringing some awareness back into your body. Ever so gently lifting your first hand and then your second hand because the temperature will shift.

What did you notice?

I noticed that I feel definitely calmed my whole body and it was warm and that she was hungry. She was hungry.

Yeah.

She wanted a little bit more. She wanted you to stay there a little longer.

I love it. Thank you so much Dolly for being here. It's great to see you.

Thank you Emily.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex With Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Sex with Emily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TalkSex. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily spend special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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