Mindfully & Mentally Sexy: A Mash-Up

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by Jiu. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jaejoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super so soft, ultra quiet. And it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the hera and right now you can get 20 off the hera using code emily20@sexwithemily.com hera that's emily20 for 20 off at sexwithemily.com h e r A so if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I'm giving you a mashup of interviews to give you some ways to de stress, have more sex and just feel a little better mentally and physically. Because I really want you all to have the tools to keep your mind strong so your body can stay strong. We all need this right now. Topics include why meditation can help you be a better partner and lover in and out of the bedroom. How setting intentions for your sex life can help immensely when it comes to actually improving it. The ways being mindful and connecting to your senses can pull you out of your head and into your body to enjoy pleasure to the fullest. And how cultivating energy can help you be a happier and healthier lover. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them. In a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man e here, he just.

Got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean?

Like laundry?

It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, that feels so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

Well, you know, Emily's not the kind.

Of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com and we are sex with Emily across the board on all social media. And during this time, you guys, a lot of us are. I think most of us are home. We are quarantined. We're staying safe for COVID 19. And I want you to know that we will continue to bring you, myself and my team, three podcasts a week, in addition to doing a lot of live Instagram lives and Facebook lives and YouTube and all the places to be here for you and answer the questions you need about communication, commitment, connection, now more than ever. Okay, guys, we got you. You can also send your questions to feedbackexwithemily.com all right, intentions for the show. Each show I'm gonna set intention, and I ask you to do the same. And what I mean is, like, right now, when you're listening, what do you wanna get out of listening to this episode? It could be, wow, with everything's going on right now, it has me really stressed out, and I just wanna know ways to relieve it. And that could be it. My intention is to give you easy tools that you can actually do at home to keep your mind healthy as well as your body. Because, hey, the less stress we have, the more time we have for pleasure and everything else. All right, enjoy the show. I'm really excited for my guest today. She's awesome. She's become a really good friend. She's one of these, like, love at first sight friendships when we met. And she's had a really interesting career. And she's also doing something that is very, very close to my heart. And I think you guys are gonna learn a lot. Meditation, a practice that you guys know I talk about. But Tal, we're going to get into this how it can really help you with your life overall and definitely your sex life and your relationships. So Tal is a former entertainment industry executive. Very high powered woman running a lot of stuff at a very young age. And she's super driven and smart and hilarious.

Oh, well, you're very sweet and kind. I used to work at NBC. I ran comedy there. I was at Sony for a while. I was at the wb, if anyone remembers that. It's like a relic now.

I remember the wb, of course. And you were so stressful, type A, working really hard, doing things that were probably way beyond what people were Doing at your age, at that time, and even then, you're just as smart.

I was really lucky. I got my first executive job very early and I was lucky. And I always worked with great people, which I think helped me because it's true those are high stressful jobs and they're just high volume more than anything. I think it's changed a little bit now just because there's so many outlets, but the volume was insane. So you were just waking up and like reading scripts and working, and you'd go to bed doing. I mean, it was just, you know, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Right. So how did you learn to love yourself more through meditation? And how is that? How can it help others learn to love yourself? I mean, interesting people who are new to it.

For me, it was more, not so much learning to love myself. It was more, I think, forgiveness for certain things and acceptance. I was also going through a really tough time when I started meditating. I was going through a divorce. The job was hard. So I think for me it was grappling with a lot of that stuff. And I think it was really helpful in I was beating myself up a lot. And I think it was very helpful in getting me through that and learning exactly why I made certain decisions, what I needed, what I wanted. Because I was really trying to figure out, do I want to stay in this relationship, Do I want to go? And that's a hard decision to make, especially when you're in your mid-30s. You're like, do I want kids? Do I not want kids? So it was really helped me gain clarity.

Let's go back to when you said you were really hard on yourself, which I think a lot of us can relate to. That nagging voice in our head beats ourselves up. Why you this or that. The thing about meditation that I found too, the more consistent I am with it. Like, you realize it's just your thoughts and it's about going back to your breath in the moment, and you kind of just then you can come out of it with clarity.

I think one of the best results of meditation or benefits is your ability to realize emotions are just emotions and thoughts are just thoughts. Now we all have them. They don't go away. Just because you meditate doesn't mean they disappear. But they don't control you. And the problem is a lot of people, they do control them. If they have a bad day or something bad happens, I mean, you almost don't want to be around that person, and it shouldn't be like that. Like bad shit happens, good things happen, you know, you bad thoughts happen, great thoughts happen, but they are just thoughts. And they inform what's happening, but they shouldn't inform who you are at your core. And I think that is one of the most amazing benefits. And again, it goes back to you know who you truly are, not about what's happening around you.

Okay, so how would you describe meditation to someone who's like, okay, Emily hear you talking about it, or they're skeptical. Like what's a good. They can't come to LA and go to the amazing den meditation yet. I think it should be everywhere in the country, not the world. I think it will be maybe an app too. How cool would that be? Well, how would you describe it to someone? The benefits and then maybe what they can do?

Well, I would say the benefits.

We just talked about a lot of benefits of word. Like how would you just look?

I'd say if you're skeptical, this is what I tell people are really skeptical. I'm like, okay, at the very least you have like five minutes of relaxation or five minutes to yourself. Especially let's say, because you were saying if a woman comes in and she's nervous, it's like if you're a busy person and you just take five minutes to shut down, even if you feel like you're not meditating or it's quote unquote not working, you're still. When in today's day and age do you sit somewhere for 5, 10, 15, 20, whatever time you're allotting for yourself, do you actually sit somewhere and not do anything?

Right. Without your phone?

And that's what I used to tell myself because I really struggled in the beginning again, going through a divorce. I had all these things in my head. I had a whole department I was running. My brain was like non stop. And sometimes those 20 minutes were misery.

Right?

And I was like, well, what was the point? I didn't get anything out of this except like mulling over all my problems. And what I would say to myself is, I just sat somewhere for 20 minutes and I didn't check email and I didn't read and I was with myself and I was breathing. So even at the very least, even though that didn't feel very good, like I just gave myself a gift.

Exactly.

So that's what I would tell someone who's skeptical is at the very least, that's what you're doing.

Yeah, at the very least, you're not with your phone and you're breathing.

And if you start with that. And the more you do it, because I think then you're easier on yourself, then I bet you'll actually get more open and then you'll start to actually see some of the other benefits happening.

And it takes a little bit of time.

Yes, absolutely. It's like exercise.

And it's so true that there are so many times you're like, what's the point? I had 30 seconds maybe where I was just breathing and not my thoughts, but that. And when I did my tm, practice Transcendental meditation. I love that. It was so like, that's cool. Go back to your thoughts when you can. If your mind races the whole time, it gives you the permission to just like, it's okay even if you do it for 10 minutes, like you tried.

Do whatever you can, it's going to help you. And just like calming your body down and your nervous system down is a huge gift. And yeah, TM is a perfect example. And honestly, you know, we call it like anchor based meditation. Any meditation. And by the way, breathing is one counting. Sometimes it's staring at something. Just if you want to breathe and count at the same time, that gives your mind something to focus on and then allows you to kind of drift.

Which is why a mantra can work.

Which is why mantras work. And so therefore. And it's what you were saying, when your mind then starts going to your to do list or whatever, it's okay. You say, okay, had those thoughts. And then you just go back and you start over again. And before you know it, you'll have longer times of counting. Before you know it, there'll be moments where you don't know what just happened. Nothing happened.

Exactly.

And then you'll go back to counting again or breathing or your mind mantra or whatever it is that's working for you.

I felt like the first time I did it that it was like this amazing tool that you learn that your mind is like a wild animal in the jungle and that it's totally in control unless we learn to control it. That I'm reacting to my mind and that I realized how hard it was. I said, I'm here in this meditation retreat. It's like 20 years ago. And my only job is to focus my breath. Like that's all I have to do. They clean for you. I'm like, that's it. Like there's nothing else but to sit and breathe and focus. And it was so hard and I beat myself up and I created stories that everyone else was a good meditator. And then you realize, like, whoa. Because, like, I do.

I love it.

You're, like, competitive and like, oh, my God, she hasn't moved. I was itching, I was scratching. I wasn't supposed to move. She. My eyes were looking around. But then you realize, like, that is the practice, the practice within the practice. And it's just.

It's a discipline in and of itself, too. But, yeah, it's. And there is no competition. And like you said, some days are bad, but it really. To have that time of, like, you said, no cooking, no. And just breathing, it's hard for us because we're out of practice. When do we do that?

Never.

I mean, since you were a baby, baby, baby, you've stopped doing that. We've just, like, we filter in so much stuff. Especially today with, like, the Internet and all.

Like.

Yeah. When do we ever turn our phone off?

No, you never. I mean, I actually. My niece just said about mitzvah, she turned 13. And, like, one of the pieces of advice I gave her was, like, one time, from this point on in the rest of your life, when you go to meet your friends and turn your phone down, like, just turn it over and actually just sit there and see what happens. And I was like, the fact that I actually have to give that as a piece of advice to just be like, you'll be surprised. Like, don't stare at your phone while you're at a bar waiting or at a party. Like, whatever it is, just put it down.

It's all right. Just like, talk about being in the moment. Not in the moment. Our phones take us out of the moment. So how has meditation helped with your relationship? Because you're in a relationship now. I'd be married.

Yeah.

Married boyfriend.

Same boyfriend, same thing. We're not officially married, but we're a kid.

We do the whole thing, I think. And it's funny because I would say what we were talking about before, as far as not letting your emotions take over, I think it really helps you with your reactions as well. So the ability to, like, step back and see things clearly, especially in this relationship, has been very helpful for me. Like, my boyfriend's amazing, but he has grown a lot emotionally. And I think the patience that. Not that I'm perfect, by the way, but what I was about to say made it seem like, pretty perfect.

But I gotta say.

But I mean, I've had. I have issues too. But I would say I think the patience I've had in the relationship, a lot of it is due because I meditate and I've had the ability to kind of step back and look at certain moments and be like, yeah, that might have been shitty, but I know this is what's really going on. Or that reaction, you know, curbing. Because I can be so pissy, and I can get really angry, too. And I feel like I. It helps me curb that a little bit, too, and, like, be able to, like, step back. And that's huge, because then it allows you to communicate better.

Exactly. And does he meditate?

He is. He's starting to. You know, it's funny, he's never been a big meditator, and it drives me crazy because when he does come into the den and meditate, he falls in so, so quickly. And I'm like, you don't know how lucky you are. It is such a struggle for people. And you get in like that. He'll get there.

He's getting there.

I think that's part of his journey.

And there's a lot of power in meditating together, like, as a couple.

It's funny we haven't done it yet because I tried once and, no, I actually think for us, it's going to be huge. And I feel like it's actually a next step. He's been doing a lot of work in other ways, and I feel like it's our next step together. And I'm actually really excited about it.

Talk to me about the power of meditating in a group, how strong that is, which is what you provided. The dentist.

Yeah, I think it's great. I mean, I think for some people, they're like, oh, no. It needs to be absolutely silent. So hearing someone fidget or breathe really throws them off. But that's also part of your practice. You need to learn to not get thrown off by anything. There is an energy.

God, you make me feel like I need to meditate right now.

That's what I say right now. And you'll have the most boring show ever. So there is something about being in a group ever, even like when you go to a concert and you hear the music and everyone's singing at the same time, and there's that energy. It's the same thing, but a much quieter version. So. So it's like everyone is putting this power and this energy into going to, like, a source. I mean, it's sounding very religious now, but I don't mean it to. Whether it be themselves or something. And that energy is contagious, and you feed off of each other. And there is a feeling that you have while meditating with others that you don't always get. And when you. I do find that sometimes the ability to go into a really deep meditation is actually helpful in a group. Which is crazy. Cause sometimes you're very distracted.

No, I feel. That's right. The same way I feel.

But I think just that energy alone that's vibrating around you actually helps you.

Yeah, I think I fit so good. Okay. I read a. A quote from you.

I know.

And this kind of applies to relationships. So you said, what could I have done differently? Why do I feel like I'm in this position? What part did I play in this? You say there's always something to learn. And if you learn the lessons, the struggle doesn't feel like a struggle. It feels like a speed bump.

I said that.

Yeah, you did. I thought it was a lovely quote, but it's more like. I think that we all struggle with so many things. And I'm wondering, like, dude, does that help you in your. Like, I know that you think, like, we can all look at things that are hard. And I think kind of see the positive is helping your relationship. Or how else does it matter? Yeah.

I have a big philosophy, like you were just saying, of positivity and attitude and how you look at something. And I think it changes everything. And I used to struggle because I had a friend who. We're no longer friends. And there was a lot of negativity around it. And this is a long time ago. And I felt guilty for having good things in my life because she was just always so angry about everything. And in the way she would twist, it was as if, like, everything was lucky. Now, by the way, I'm a very lucky human being. So I'm not gonna say I'm not. But I started to realize as I got older and looking at people and how they react, and I've realized, wow, a lot of depressed people or people that are sad are very angry at happy people.

Right? It's so true.

And they're angry at happy people cause they think life is easy for them. And I know a lot of happy people where life isn't so easy for them. It's just their choice of how they attack you.

Their choice in every moment and how.

They look at it. And it was that moment where it's like, maybe you wouldn't be so sad and depressed if you would switch the way you'd look at stuff. Because, I mean, you can meet some people where some gnarly shit has happened to them, and they're actually happy people. I mean, it doesn't mean they don't have stuff to work. And it's just fascinating. And so that attitude, I think that's part of it too, where anything that happens, any obstacle in your life that happens to you, it can be just a speed bump. It can just be that little thing that happened. That from anything that's huge to small, it's all your perspective on how you want to take it. And again, I think that goes to accepting yourself and loving yourself. And we all fuck up and we all make mistakes, and nobody is free of that. So if you're just like, shit, that is my mistake. Like, I joke, I say, mommy made a mistake daily to my child, daily. I'm always like, oops, Mommy fucked up. Oh, I don't say fucked up, though. I want to. It's really hard for me not to curse.

Yeah.

And I always say, like, mommy made a mistake so often with her because I want her to know, like, it's really okay to make mistakes and it's not a big deal and just move on. Like, let's fix it. Let's. And I do make mistakes all the time, whether they're tiny or big.

Do you think she's, like, drinking when she was 18? She'll be like, sorry, Mommy, I made a mistake.

Maybe. I know it's gonna totally backfire.

No, but that's so smart, because I think that there is a certain perfectionism that's kind of a plague for a lot of people. Like, their whole life, they'd be perfect. And to say, like, no, I made a mistake. Things aren't always perfect.

And because she's also in the why phase, so there's a lot of, like, mommy, why? And I'm like, because I made a mistake, Right?

Tell me, like, why am I turning around the block? Because I went to the wrong place.

Exactly.

So we talked about meditation, relationship. What about sex?

I mean, I think for similar reasons that we talked about the relationship, I think it just teaches you to be more present and know yourself better. And I think the more you know yourself and your likes and your dislikes, to be very basic, it helps you. And also like things you've taught me. I mean, just being present and breathing and making sure that you can remember the moment and be exactly where you are versus thinking about the million things that are actually probably you want to be thinking about, or is it on the back of your head? So. And I joke because you have really, actually taught me a lot. You and I have had so many conversations about this stuff, but I do think it's really helpful with sex in that sense, too. I think the more you're present with yourself, the more your senses are heightened. I think the more you know what you want and what you need. And again, I think the more you know how to communicate so you can actually communicate what you want and what you need.

Yeah.

And it just makes it better.

It does. I love that you say that because we were talking about this how I told you once, like, just to breathe during sex. It's so obvious. Like, here you are, meditating.

So obvious.

I'm telling it all the time. Jamie's worked for her for three years. Jamie's gone home. Like, she's heard me say it. But then there are these moments where I think it was a few weeks ago. She's like, oh, I. I went home and I remembered I was having. Even though she's immersed in sex, she's like, and I breathed, and I had the most incredible organs.

And that's what happened to me. We were at dinner and we were talking about it, and you told me, and I went home and I was like, how do I not know? I mean, I meditate, and it's like somewhere in the middle of it, I was like, I was thinking about you.

And I love that.

And no. And then I just, like, literally, I think it was like three deep breaths, and I was like, holy.

I mean, it was so fast. That's what was so crazy about it. Like, my whole body just reacted. And maybe it is because I'm a meditator, so I connect quickly.

Right. But that's.

But it was so. There you go. There's another benefit. The more you do it, the faster you can.

More you do it, the faster you can orgasm. Because I think a lot of sexual things people struggle with is because they are in their mind. They're in their head. And I'm guilty of that. Over same dude. Even though I'm the sex expert, I for sure, in my mind. Yeah, well, most so. You know, it's funny, I would say that that of all the questions, we get the biggest challenge when people have, like. Like they can't orgasm. Men and women during sex is because they are distracted. They're thinking about the to do list or thinking about what hasn't happened. What could happen? What happened last time I couldn't orgasm. Will I be able to? And the easiest way to get out of that is just say, okay, that's great. Those are the thoughts. And then what's happening? I'm breathing right now. What do I feel? What does my partner feel like? Inside of me. If you can just remember to do that, even if it's a hundred times during sex.

Do you think men take it personally when women struggle with orgasm?

I do, I think because I know.

Women take it personally.

Oh yeah, yeah. No, absolutely. I think that a lot of men think I should be the master of the universe and if she doesn't orgasm, it's like it's my fault. And so I think a lot of times it might be if you know, the truth is, a lot of times it's our fault because we are not communicating our needs to our partners efficiently. So I think I used to, when I was younger, I would blame my partners and be like, I can't believe I didn't orgasm. But I never even orgasm on my own. But I thought the men had the magic keys to make me orgasm. But yes, if we're just talking surface men, think about.

So do you orgasm pretty much every time you have sex now that you like have all these tools?

I can pretty much every time, but not like I have all different, but different degrees. Different degrees of like terms. I can have three. Sometimes I can, you know, have one.

Listen to that.

Yeah, well, hey, that's practice too.

I can't wait for you guys to hear this interview I did with Dave Asprey earlier this week. You may be familiar with his name or his Bulletproof brand or one of his New York Times best selling books like Headstrong. So I met Dave when I was co hosting Loveline a few years back and he was a guest on the show and we've stayed in touch as I've been on his Bulletproof radio podcast. And I've become a huge fan of his work, perhaps because we're both clearly on the same page about helping people be the best versions of themselves. I love how he marries science, energy and his exploration of the human race to demonstrate how changing your environment from the inside out will allow you to have full control of your biology and reach a state of high sexual performance. So Dave is his own guinea pig as he works to develop his work around biohacking and the mission behind it. You know, I also love talking about sex hacks, which is like a close cousin to biohacking. You know, like ways to make your orgasm stronger, to enhance intimacy and to strengthen your mind, body connection by really taking control of your environment and something within yourself. My conversation with Dave fuses science, sex and experimentation in a digestible and truly eye opening way that can help but spark some new ways of approaching your sex life.

So I'M married. I have two young kids. Anyone who's married with two young kids knows you generally don't have sex very much. So it inc just because kids are like an anti sex thing. And what ended up happening was, especially when I was doing the 30 day experiments, by the way, publishing the data was kind of embarrassing. I'm like, oh, day 24, oops. I had to start that experiment over exactly.

Like so on day 24. Right. But over time. Yeah. Now is it still something that's become part of your life? Like, you still think about it as like another resource in your body?

We'll say I don't ejaculate unconsciously.

Okay.

So it's like, I'm gonna have sex, but I'm gonna say I wouldn't if I just, you know, flew to New York and back in 36 hours to be on the Dr. Oz show or something, which happened. Like, I'm not going to come back and then have sex because I missed my wife and ejaculate because I already took enough of a hit. I traveled across the country twice. I was in an airplane. I breathed bad air. Like I'm tired. So when I'm at full power and I have an ejaculate for a while, I'll ejaculate. But will I have sex? Yeah, I'll have sex. But then sex becomes less about getting to ejaculation and more about having fun. And what does that do? That raises oxytocin, which is like the love hormone.

Exactly.

And the benefit for women in this whole deal is, well, the daoist studies and lots of other studies show that when women have regular orgasms, your emotional intelligence goes up, your oxytocin levels go up, and it's generally biologically really healthy for women to have regular orgasms. Now, guys in this kind of practice can have orgasms if you can figure out how to have an orgasm without ejaculating. I find that to be a challenging thing to do. But what I also found to be.

Off the charts, not even putting words to it. That thing about having an ejaculation for an hour or less or not ejaculation, sorry, Having orgasm for an hour or.

Less for an hour through your full body. Right.

Yeah. I don't know how it's possible to start a stopwatch if you're going to do that.

Yeah. You're not going to be like, wait, it's coming, let me start exactly.

But after I can tell you at least 15, 20 minutes kind of times where I'm like, completely. I don't mind. You're not ejaculating the whole time. That would be destructive. But essentially my abs hurt. I'm like, could I just be done? Seriously, I just need to stop. And literally growing a six pack from the intensity of an orgasm.

I was like, nice six pack. You're like, it's the orgasm. That's all you gotta do nowadays. That would help you maybe in other fields. It depends to your audiences.

It's your new program, Emily. You got it. Six pack orgasms.

There's a whole abs and 50, 15 minutes or less. But yeah, orgasm. But like, this happened.

I know it's worth talking about because.

It is worth talking about. We don't. You don't. Guys don't talk about anything. So what. What they do talk about is they email me all the time. My listeners, 50 men, 50 women. But a lot of the questions I get asked, which is why I love that you're here and I wanted to bring you on because all the work that you do around biohacking and being the best performer in every area of your life, how do we become the best sexual performers? And so there's a lot of things I talk about when they're like, I can't ejaculate or I can't say hard, or I'm too hard, or I have no sex drive or low libido. And I always say, get checked by your doctor or I use certain medications. And I just feel like that's so limited, especially knowing what we know now and blending Eastern and west medicine and supplements. Everything that you do, what you've done with bulletproof and what you're doing now. So I would just love to kind of define biohacking and then kind of get into how that can help people be best performers sexually.

Oh, awesome. Biohacking is a field that I helped to create and kind of build a community around. It's become a movement. And the original definition from that first infographic was the art and science of changing the environment around you and inside of you so that you have full control of your own biology. Now, from a sex perspective, let's see. Do you want to be able to get it up? When you want to be able to get it up, that would be control of your own biology. Do you want to be able to not ejaculate too quickly? That's control of your own biology. That same body of knowledge, those same techniques can be, I want to get swole, or I want to have a ton of energy, or I want to pull an all nighter and perform open heart surgery or whatever. It totally depends. I just want to come home from my commute and be with my family. All of those are control of our own energy, of our own biology. And the techniques are always the same. And the two big things that apply to sex are make sure that the hardware, the energy production in the body is working. I mentioned these little mitochondria that are worried about dying.

You got to make mitochondria sexy. It matters. Yeah, right?

Yeah. All the things that happen both for the woman and the man in sex, or I say for women and men in sex, because it doesn't have to be a woman and a man, but those things are all driven by electrons in the body. We're powered by the same things that power our iPhones. We just happen to. Instead of plugging into the wall, we eat food and we breathe and then we combine those. But if you suck at combining food and air, instead of getting the erections or the other kinds of stimulation that you want, all these electrons that should have gone to your performance in bed, in the boardroom, in wherever else you're executing in your life, they can go to inflammation. You get muffin top and you get brain inflammation, and you're tired and you're cranky. So if you can do something in your diet or in your lifestyle to turn down inflammation, to turn up energy production, you can put that energy to work in the bedroom. And then all of a sudden, wow, I've got a ton of. I feel really good. This is a really energetic lovemaking session. I was able to provide more pleasure for my partner. I had a better time, and maybe I had more self control. And I was able to go for 45 minutes. And at the end of this, the ultimate act of willpower for a guy is saying, all right. Even though every fiber in my being is screaming at me to ejaculate, I'm just not going to do it because I know that all that screaming is going to go back into me and I'm going to use that energy for something else. There's masses of energy that we expend this way kind of unconsciously as guys. And I'm not saying don't have sex. I'm not saying don't be intimate. I'm saying, if you can get to that end and be like, all right, this is even harder than skipping a meal or doing an intense workout. I'm just gonna. I'm gonna take a deep breath and I'm just gonna say no.

Yeah, what do you do. I'm not gonna do it in this moment. You're gonna breathe into it. There's practices, right?

Do you want the shortcut for how to do that?

Dude, please, yes. Hack sex for me. Do it for everyone.

Okay, so if it's up to you whether or not you're going to ejaculate and you're a guy, there will come a voice in your head, and this is the voice of your mitochondria screaming at you. At the beginning of lovemaking, you'll say, all right, I'm not going to ejaculate today. And by the time you're getting close, you will have created a thousand reasons why it's such a good idea to ejaculate right now. And you'll believe every one of them, because that's the way we're wired. This is how our biology gets. Gets inside our head. It's part of what's inside our head. And it'll make you go, you know, just this once.

It's today. I'll start tomorrow. Right?

Yeah, exactly. So if you're in charge, you're probably going to make bad decisions some of the time. So what you do is you just ask your partner, hey, I'm trying this thing out, and so I want you to decide if I'm going to or not. Right? And as soon as you take yourself out of the decision loop so it's no longer your decision, it becomes fantastically easy to make the decision because there was no decision to make. And of course, some partners are going to like that more than others. And for a lot of women.

Right. Well, because you have accountability then, right? You're like, I'm trying to do this thing. Can you help me and support me in this?

And also, like, if you think it's a good idea, you can say yes. So it's not like, just tell me no. It's like, you decide, and then you don't have to decide. And then you'd be like, I think it's a good idea, but your partner is going to be, no. Except. And I've talked to a lot of couples privately who just approached me about this for a lot of women, and a lot of women are sort of raised like, it's your job to be responsible for your partner's pleasure and thus their orgasm. So it can be really intimidating for a woman to be in that position and just be like, well, but if I say no, am I a bad person? And this isn't illogical, though. These are, like, emotional.

Exactly. This is What? Yeah. It's so important to get to this because it is true that we don't. Women are. And I was hoping this has changed because like the way I was raised and where I got into this was it was about. Please. Sex was not about my pleasure at all. It was. I felt successful if he orgasm and he had a good time. And that would therefore make me believe that I had a good time. But the way we're reversing this also is that it takes pressure off women. So women can really get into their bodies by him. By him not having to ejaculate. But understanding that mentality that it can still be great for both of you is a whole twist of their mind. Like, it's completely different than what we've been taught still.

It's completely different. And I mean, I've had a lot of guys say, like, like, I would die if I did that. And like, that's just your mitochondria talking.

Exactly.

What they're telling you is the species will die. And that' a true statement.

How many times did it take? Do you felt like it wasn't as bad? How many days in a row? And then we are going to move on from this in a second.

So I can tell you that doing eight days at first was like. Was really a challenge. And doing 30 days was. That took a couple tries. Because after like 27 days, you're like, what's going on? But I can tell you my frequency of sex increases the longer I go without ejaculating. So I was having a lot of sex, lots of oxytocin. And I was like full of energy, just really full of energy. And then it gets to the point where finally 30 days. This is great. The surprising effect then for me was that 15, 20 minute whole body orgasm thing. But that won't happen if you don't have enough energy in your body. If you're running on an empty fuel tank. And that's why the body of work, the lowest hanging fruit for people. Of those three things that are holding us back, it's what am I gonna do for my next meal? That voice in your head, let's shut that up. Because, I mean, who wants to have sex when you're hungry? Like, no one's gonna do that.

No. Or anxious. Because stress. Here's the other thing, Dave, is that stress is one of the biggest killers of our sex drive. Right. Couples are saying, I don't wanna have sex because I'm too tired, I'm too stressed, I'm too anxious. You know, and I've talked about all these things. You meditate, you relax, what kind of medication are you taking? You should talk to your doctor. But let's talk about all that. What can people do to kind of get that energy? Because if you're not eating healthy, you're not in a good place with your body and you're not going to be able to perform sexually.

If you can find a way to get ketones into your body. And ketones happen when you fast for four days, when you go on a very, very low carbohydrate, high fat diet. And the bulletproof diet was about how to do that. And head strong is about how to upregulate the mitochondrial function. There's an ingredient in bulletproof coffee called brain octane that puts you in ketosis. The reason you care about ketosis is simply this. You can make energy from sugar or you can make energy from fat. And we're biologically wired to do one or the other. If you use the brain octane, you have energy from fat and energy from whatever sugar is in your body. And now you have more energy and you can go into the bedroom and your brain works all the way and your body works all the way and you don't get dips. So you're like, I was tired. Now you don't even have to have the coffee. Just put some brain octane on your dinner and you're like, I have more energy afterwards. So it's just up regulate your energy and maybe you have some other meal, whatever it is. But this for me is just a reliable thing. I have more energy than I eat do. So number one, add on the energy. Number two, let's turn off the stress. And there's so many different stress management practices. The one that's probably most useful that I found is called heart rate variability training. And this takes a relatively cheap piece of equipment. There's clinical grade stuff that we would do at bulletproof labs in Santa Monica where there's chest straps and all. But the one I'm talking about, you can buy it on Amazon. It's called HeartMath. And I've been advisor to those guys. There's no financial relationships or anything. It's just something I use with my executive clients. You clip it on your ear and you look at your phone and it tells you the spacing between your heartbeat and you play this dumb little game where it tells you, breathe in, breathe out. And when you do it right, the light turns green on the phone. And when you do it wrong, the light Stays red. And what it's showing you is how to take your body out of a stress mode into something called parasympathetic mode or rest and reset mode. So once you learn how to play this game, you don't need the phone anymore. So you're laying there in bed and you're like, all right, I'm getting kind of close here, and I've decided I'm not going to ejaculate. So what you do is you just do that same kind of breath and you do the thing that takes you out of fight or flight mode. Because I'm telling you right before you ejaculate, your body is convinced the species will die if you do not ejaculate. This turns that off. So you're laying there like, okay, I'm going to close you breathe in, breathe out, and do the little thing. You feel it in your chest. But the game teaches you this thing. Otherwise, you could do like a compassionate meditation for five years in a cave and learn it or something that just takes too long. That's the shortest hack. So I was able to have way more control there just by getting control of that part of my nervous system that was trying to convince me that the world was going to end if I didn't ejaculate. Because that was not a true statement, but I sure believed it at the time.

Your world's got a lot better ever since, too, right?

Yeah, right. And so this is it. It's like breathing combined with consciously moving out of fight or flight through heart rate variability and just having more energy in the first place, because more energy goes to more willpower and head strong, which is, I think, one of my best books.

Tell my listeners who haven't heard of Headstrong or read Headstrong, talk about that New York Times bestseller. I'm very proud of all your work. Tell me.

Oh, thank you. Headstrong was about how do you have more energy in your brain and in your body? Because energy drives willpower. And if you want to talk about an example of when willpower matters most, it's in the bedroom. You're like, I'm not going to ejaculate right now. That is one of the most extreme uses of willpower, at least as a man, that you can possibly have. And so in order to upregulate that, it's all about energy metabolism. So I wrote this book saying, how do you have more willpower? What is the effect of food and environment on willpower? And I wrote it as an advice book. So here's the science. Here's what to do. And it hit the New York Times science bestseller list right next to Homo deuce and Sapiens and all these other books that were baller books. I was blown away because I never expected that to happen. But it's about 100,000 people have read it. It's getting printed in multiple languages now. And it's not about sex, but it's about energy, and sex is about energy. And what I'm just talking about here, what I want people to understand is one of the ways you can double the amount of energy in your body is turn off hunger, cravings, and then what if you could get control of that I'm gonna die if I don't have sex right now thing all of a sudden, like two thirds of the energy your body spends on survival goes back into the quality of your life.

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Okay, so I'm going to jump in. I'm excited for today's show because, like, we almost had to start it, like the second she walked in because there's so much talk about. So I'm just going to bring it. I've got Dr. Jen here. She's a sociologist and a sexologist. Don't you think there's so much power to writing things down and kind of taking inventory of the last year? Like, I think a lot of us look at our successes, our failures. Maybe we look at our relationships with family and work. But sex, we both agree people do not prioritize it or think about it or talk about it enough. So I'm thinking people can, like, break out of their routines if there's one thing they've been wanting to try. Maybe they want to learn how to ask their partner for this one thing they've been dying to ask. Or they want to masturbate more. I want you to help me when you think about that, too. Is there any suggestions you might have just to spark people's imaginations for some commitments they could make for improvement around sex. And it could be relationships as well. Like, I have. Like, I no longer want to ejaculate and roll over. You know, like, maybe I want or like put it in ejaculate and roll over. Like, maybe I want more foreplay. Maybe I want to, you know, we want to take a trip together. We want to have sex outdoors. We want to be. Study tantra, anything.

Yeah, well, I love. I don't think people even realize they can set intentions about what it means to be a good lover. And I think even to reflect, like, what does it mean to be a good lover? And so like that would be even my starting point for folks that are like, I love this idea but I no idea where to start and to like take a holistic approach then. So you know, look at what do you think a good lover is? Physically, mentally, emotionally, socially and spiritually, whatever that means to you. And like to take that holistic approach and be like, what is it to be? Because that, that is what a good lover is.

It is, it's not just a specific.

New technique you learn. It's like, you know, it's the energy that you're bringing to it and you're, you know, your open mindedness.

So give me an example. So along those lines.

Well, so along those lines would be.

Like a spiritual one.

Yeah, so spiritual one would be, I would say like mindfulness because that's at the core of all the work I do. And I'm sure we'll be talking about that. Like, how do I be more present with my partner, you know, or how can I realize, okay, I've been focusing on my pleasure too much. How do I make sure I'm being present with like the nuances of what my, how my partner is responding and reacting and. Or on the flip side, because I've heard this, you know, from some men and women, like, oh my gosh, I'm so focused on their pleasure, I'm not even in touch with my own pleasure.

Well, it's an interesting dance, isn't it? Because you know, you feel like a really big giver and you're like, I just want to make sure that I'm doing it right and she or he is happy. But then we don't know how to do both. Like how can we really in the moment. Because text is really all about being present, paying attention. Like, because your partner will give you all the information you need and if they don't, you can ask. But there's a lot going on. Just really being present during sex and breathing more and being mindful. I love it.

I think even, you know, getting in touch with your five senses, if you realize that you're like, okay, I'm in my head so much, I'm worried about performing and pleasing them or I'm worried about my own performance. And so just even choose your sense of touch or choose your sense of smell and like anchor yourself in the moment with your five senses and be like, okay, what did the sheets feel like? What's my partner feel like? What's my partner smell like? What do they taste like? All of those things get us out of our head and our, you know, our monkey mind that's constantly chattering or worrying or anxious and gets us present in the moment with ourselves and what's showing up for us and our partner.

And that's, I mean, so good. Well, it's so funny that you said that because I always was looking at trends, right? And sex and the world was happening. And then I look at, like, trends in my life. Like, what came up for me three times over Thanksgiving when I was with my friends, right? Like, I was with my friends in Mexico. And I'm telling you, a few of my friends, it was guys too. They all like, separately. They're like, you know, the women's. How do I get my mind off my to do list during sex? How do I get into the moment? I mean, I want to have sex with my husband and my partner, but I can't in the focus. And it was like, okay, so five people asked me how to, you know, this time, how do I focus? And what I always say is, you know, it's similar. Like, really, like when you're. It's a practice. It's the monkey mind. It's mindfulness. And in the moment when you're like, oh, but who's going to pick up the dry cleaning? You're like, like, what am I feeling now? Oh, I feel like my pelvic floor is. I'm breathing into my pelvic floor. I feel his penis feels amazing and hard. And I love what you just brought in about even, like, because mindfulness is everything. It is all the senses. So maybe there's like a candle. This isn't you that you light. You're like, I always like this candle and I just put new sheets on the bed and I'm gonna play my. This playlist. So maybe this is like a pr. I'm just thinking this out pre sex ritual. So if you're like Emily, but I can't. You're like, okay, well, I could always latch onto the candle first. If I'm like, in the moment, not for remembering to think. If I can't think about my body because I'm feeling anxious. Yeah, you can be like, but I do smell the vanilla candle.

Yeah.

Or I do remember that I put clean sheets. So then. And then you. All the senses will follow you.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? If you're like, oh, and that playlist and Then you're not thinking about the fact that you, whatever. Gain two pounds.

You don't like how your thighs look or your belly is.

Yeah.

Or that you're not going to orgasm or you're going to come too fast or.

Yeah, I love that.

And that's like being really intentional about putting those sensual anchors in the anchors and being like, okay, this is hard. It is hard to not be distracted. It is hard to be mindful, even when you're. You're doing something that's pleasurable. But there's a million other things that are going on in our heads. And with our fast paced of technology today, like, we're getting even more fragmented and it's even harder to stay present for a short amount of time. So. So just like, I think it's important for folks not to blame themselves, but to notice you're distracted and then have something specific that you choose to focus your attention back on and then don't judge yourself for it.

Exactly.

I mean, and that is the definition of mindfulness.

This is a practice. So if you notice that you had sex, what you said, don't be hard on yourself. It could take you 50 times during one session. That if you remember. 50 times, that's amazing. Well, you still won't do it, but that you still won't feel like you're totally present, but you. That's the practice. And eventually it's just 20 times that you're doing it. So, yeah, I love that.

And you can bring amusement to it. And just because I've been cultivating mindfulness for the past 14 years now. And so when I keep noticing that I'm distracted and I'm like, oh my God, Gonzalez, you're doing that thing again. And then I kind of laugh and I was like, that's what my brain does.

Exactly.

And so it's like the opposite of beating myself up for it, actually just having amusement for a ramp. That's how my brain's trained. But I'm going to keep working on this.

It's a practice because we all have those voices in our head. We all do. Like, and we don't realize that it's actually our voice, you know, and that is mindfulness as well. That I do that, you know, a lot. I'm always constantly going, you know, and we slip a lot. But I'm like, okay, that's the negative thought you got to send the more like, what do you replace every thought with? That's the positive that you set out into the universe. And so even in the moment Though when you hear that voice, like, it is me, it's not me, then you can learn to separate it, which, again, takes years of the Observer. It can take years of it. You're the Observer. I think, oh, this isn't the channel you want to listen. It's like, I'm going to change the program, and I'll think, oh, it's almost like I'm watching Netflix. Like, I could change it to a better one. And then I'm like, oh, let's turn on music.

And it's gone.

I want to introduce my guest, Emily Fletcher. And Emily Fletcher, she has a book that came out. When did it come out? Recently? February. I haven't seen it. February. Stress Less, Accomplish More. Meditation for Extraordinary Performance debuted at number seven on all books of Amazon.

Emily.

She founded Ziva Meditation. She's a leading expert in meditation for extraordinary performance. Her work has been featured all over the place from the New York Times, the Today show, and Vogue. I'm just really excited, Emily, because I feel like you have, like, the secret sauce. Like, you have been successful actually getting people who think they're too busy, they don't have enough time, they'll never be able to do it, to actually meditate. You have a good track record. So tell me about Ziva Meditation.

So here's the trick to getting people to meditate who think they can't. You just have to sell it as a performance tool. You just have to say, hey, here's this thing that's gonna help you make more money and be better in bed. And then people are like, oh, where do I sign up? So we have to just let go of, like, the robes and the incense and the finger symbols and the preciousness. And yes, there's so much science around it, which I'm sure we'll dive into. But it's like, why are people really doing anything? It's usually to make more money or have better sexual.

And so you're absolutely right. Yeah. Because you've worked with top performers and athletes and CEOs and top business leaders. And so you're saying that you reframe it as, like, this is gonna help you, like a hack. Like a. You know, you're gonna be a better performer. Just like you go to a business conference or you'd read, you know, books, or you'd buy a. Buy. Get a business coach. This actually is gonna do that.

Because here's the thing. Stress is making us stupid, sick, and slow. It is slowing us down in the boardroom. It is slowing us down in the Bedroom. And so it's like, if there's a tool that could help you get rid of stress, why would you not use it? Stress is not like cancer, okay? We have a solution for this epidemic. According to Harvard Medical School, stress is responsible for 90% of all doctors visits. I believe that doctors are calling it the black plague of our century. And it's making us feel more isolated, it's ruining our confidence, and it can actually chemically affect us. I mean, if women have too much cortisol, they become incapable of orgasm. If men have too much adrenaline, it affects their erection. And so it's like, this isn't just like, oh, if you meditate, you'll see each other's shift chakras. It's like, no, if you're too stressed, you can't orgasm.

Right, exactly. Say that you can't orgasm and. And you'll make less money. No, your work will suffer. Because it is true, like I always say, that stress and anxiety is the biggest killer of our sex drive. But also, I feel like there is an epidemic of. Of anxiety or people sharing that they have anxiety. But it seems like the whole goddamn world is anxious, including myself. And I meditate, you know, And I think it's definitely has helped imagine me without it. But I do think that this really is. I mean, meditation, I think exercise, sleep, but meditation can also help with that. Help with sleep. And it can help with so many of the things that ail us. So give me an example about your meditation. Like, one of your mantras is meditate, masturbate, and manifest.

That's one of mine.

I'm sorry, that's not what I'm.

Mine.

I can't read mine. Sorry. Back up. Mine is meditate, masturbate, and manifest. And yours is meditate, mindfulness, and manifestation.

Yeah, we both got three M's.

That's all I'm saying. I was like, and I have that, and you have that, which I think is amazing. So how does yours work? Tell me.

Okay, so Ziva is all about meditation for better performance. And we use these three tools, the three M's, just like you. So mindfulness to help you with your stress in the now, which is like, oh, I just had this crazy day at work. Let me do 10 minutes of my free app. I feel better in the now. Like taking an aspirin if you have a headache. Now, meditation, and specifically what I teach at Ziva is all about getting rid of your stress from the past. So all that stuff that we've been storing in our cellular mem all that trauma we've been holding on since our childhood, that's the thing that's ultimately slowing us down. And that's really where the big cognitive and physical performance increase comes, is from getting rid of that stuff that's been stored in the cellular and now we even know in our epigenetic memory. And then the manifesting piece, which is the third M is basically consciously creating a life you love. It's taking the time to get intentional about what you want your life to look like. Hey, what would my dream partner look like? Hey, how much money would I love to make this year? Hey, what would my dream relationship with my body feel like? And a lot of people think they're manifesting. They even think they're praying, but they're secretly complaining and they're like, God, why can't I lose this weight? Why does she have a boyfriend and I don't? Why did he get a raise and I didn't? And if you ask shitty questions, you're going to get shitty answers.

Exactly. And whatever you're putting out there, if it's the negative or I don't want this, I don't want that. That's what you're. That's actually what you're going to get. And I think a lot of people know like from the secret and all that stuff, they're like, oh, I start to think happy thoughts. But this is more than that. What I love about this is that it is really a full, like it's the full spectrum. So let's first talk about getting. I want to go back to getting rid of the stress that is stored in our body. Like, no matter that stress in the past, like on a cellular level, everything that has happened to us is still in our body.

Yes.

So how does doing your type of meditation actually, and any meditation help with that?

So every time you've ever been stressed, every time you've ever launched into a fight or flight stress reaction, it's left a little open window on your brain computer. They're called premature cognitive commitments. And by the time the average adult is about 20 years old, we have about, about 10 million of those. PCCs are premature cognitive commitments. So it's like running a computer, trying to type an email, but having 10 million open irrelevant windows so you can't even type the email. So what meditation does is it goes in and it gives your body rest that's very healing. We actually give the body rest that's about five times deeper than sleep. The way that we know that is that your metabolic rate Decreases your heart rate, slows your body temperature, cools. You're going in and de exciting your nervous system. When you de. Excite something, you create order. When you start to create order in your body, in your cells, that lifetime of accumulated stress can start to come up and out. I don't think that nature intended us to be sick, tired, and stressed all the time. I think that stress is trying to leave. But if we're so excited, if we're so stressed all the time, the body doesn't have a chance to heal or run those maintenance functions. Just like sleeping, you know, there's a lot of things that get messed up if you don't sleep, but you just have a good night's rest and you feel better. Well, same thing with meditation. You just give your body this deep healing rest when you meditate, and it starts to cure a whole host of ailments.

Right. So what you're saying is, though, is that I was gonna say, well, it doesn't happen right away, but your story is amazing that you actually, after the first time you came from, you were stressed out. You were in a place where you reached all of your dreams in your 20s, being on Broadway, like, at 22, which is amazing. Thanks, people. Brain a lifetime. And you, the first time you tried it, you were like, this is it.

Yes, because I actually took a class. The tricky thing about meditation is that because it's simple, people think they should already know how to do it. So they sit down and they're like, okay, brain, stop thinking. Because there's, like, this one dude telling everyone that in order to meditate, we have to clear our minds. So, like, all right, brain, shut it down. And then they're like, sure, I'm feeling a little randy. Oh, no. Now I'm thinking about sex while I'm meditating. Oh, no. I suck at meditation. I quit. And that's the beginning and the end of most people's meditation careers. But the really good news for anybody who's tried meditation and felt like a failure is that the mind thinks involuntarily, just like the heart beats involuntarily. So trying to give your brain a command to shut up is as impactful as trying to give your heart a command to stop beating. So where this gets tricky for folks is that because it's simple, they assume they should already know how to do it, and they don't take the time to actually get trained. So I took a course. My insomnia was so bad, I was going gray in my 20s. I was getting Sick and injured, even though I was living my dream. So I was like, let me try this thing. And on the first day of the first course, I cured my insomnia.

What course did you take?

So it was a four day course in New York City with a guy named Michael Miller who's based in London. And it was this meditation course. So different from mindfulness because a lot of people think that mindfulness and meditation are the same thing. And a lot of the apps and YouTube videos are actually teaching what I would call mindfulness. So anytime you're directing your focus or someone's guiding you through, I put that in the category of mindfulness, where this was more of a meditation class. So teaching you how to do it on your own, teaching you this technique that gives your body this deep healing rest. And so on the other side, you feel like you've taken the supercharged power nap.

So my first foray into this was like 20 some odd years ago. I was in Thailand and I did my first vipassana retreat. So I just thought I knew myself and I thought it's a ten day silent meditation treatment retreat where you meditate for like 10 hours a day and you don't speak or read or write or talk to anybody or look at anybody. Because I know myself well enough that people have been telling me for years I should meditate. And I find like, well, I just got to throw myself in. And I did learn. But my challenge around that was like, I just learned to meditate, but there. But I feel like with your. Which was great, but it also was very strict. I felt like it for me to actually continue, I felt all this pressure. It has to be, well, you have an hour in the morning, an hour at night. I'm like, I do not have two hours a day. And so then I kept constantly feeling, which you talk about this a lot, like we don't meditate to become great meditators. We meditate, become better at life, which you've said, to quote you. And so I feel like that's where people get tripped up. They're not doing it right. And so I feel like through this process of you do teach, some practice, but then you also teach about mindfulness. That's the other part of it. Like, can we talk about the difference? So meditation is a technique that you also teach?

Yes.

And then I also did a vipassana retreat. So this is like 10 days. It's very, very monastic. It's very much like a monk program. And the thing is that most of even the mindfulness Techniques today are based on or derivative of monastic practices. So you being in a, you know, in a place for 10 days, not talking to anyone, you know, not even making eye contact, no reading, no writing, very monk like. Whereas what I teach, the meditation that I teach, Even though it's 6,000 years old, it was created for people with busy minds and busy lives. It's actually designed to be integrated into your day, so it's A, much easier to do, B, it takes less time, and C, you have more energy and you become better at life. So I do think that the style matters.

So is this your order, though, that it's mindfulness meditation and manifestation?

Yes. So we use the mindfulness as, like, the appetizer, where. And that's where we simply use a technique called come to your senses. So it's real simple. You're just hearing what you're hearing, feeling what you're doing, feeling, tasting, seeing, smelling. And this is actually something great that people can do even before they're going to have a romantic encounter, just to get themselves in their body, heightening their senses. And then it's a way to direct your focus, bring yourself into the now, and you're almost like, warming yourself up for this deep, healing, restful surrender that is meditation. So Ziva's kind of like, it's more like taking a nap sitting up than it is any fancy fingers or erect spine or concentrating or focusing. And that's really where the magic happens, that healing magic from healing the stress from your past. Then at the end, once the right and left hemispheres of the brain are functioning in unison, that's where we start to manifest. That's where we start to plant the seeds for our dreams, for the future.

Right? So now this is all in one practice. I know that you have. You teach courses online that people can go to. Ziva, Meditation. And this is also you guys in the show notes. If you're listening, go to sexwithemily.com and if you click on Show Notes, everything we talk about on every single show, you can find right there. So I'm sure everyone wants to sign up for it right now and check it out. So it starts with, like, is it every day the same, like, you start with the mindfulness portion. So that would be the senses. So often. I think that's great, because what I often tell people, what we talk about on the show is because, okay, listen, people, one of the top questions I get asked is.

I am so distracted in the bedroom, I can't focus on sex. I'm worried about the bills. I'm worried about how my body looks. I'm worried that I can't orgasm. And, you know. And I often say, well, you know, the best thing to do is, like, focus on your senses and think about, what are you smelling? What are you tasting? Smell the candle. You're feeling your partner's body. Because when we do, what you're saying is when we focus on the senses, all five, you've no other choice. You can't be in the past or the future. You're present in the moment with your partner. But I'm wondering how you could elaborate on that with your practice. It sounds like that's kind of something that you would do in your practice. But I'm sure there's more to just. Because it's also, like, if people are just doing it in the bedroom for the first time, that's not gonna work. I'm always like. I always tell people, can you just start meditating? So tell me more about this.

So a couple things. One, I actually made a whole guide to visualization for better sex, which I'll share with you if you want to.

Put it in the description.

How do I not know this?

Yes.

Because it's one of the bonuses.

We just got together. It was quick to get you on. I'm excited. It was like you were here.

So I'm gonna give it to you. We can put it in the show notes, and then it's just a gift. People can just enjoy it. And I would say do it before you're gonna have an encounter so you understand it. But the same tool that you would use to prepare yourself for meditation you can also use to prepare yourself for sexual. Because they're not actually that dissimilar. When you're meditating, you're moving beyond yourself. You're unioning with something bigger than you, and something similar is happening when you're unioning with someone else. You're creating this third thing. You're not so individual.

So you're saying together they do this practice before sex?

Well, you could. You absolutely could.

It's gonna be kind of hot.

There's even something in the book. So there's a chapter in the book called From OM to omg. And there's an exercise that I give at the end of the book where it's a little bit cheesy and you feel a little uncomfortable to begin with, but you're just, like, looking in each other's eyes and almost manifesting each other's dreams for each other. And I find it very intimate. Very raw, very vulnerable. But if you can create that kind of intimacy on the intellectual and spiritual plane, it's much easier to get there physically.

Yeah, I love this. I mean, this is something that couples need because I feel like if you could just get yourself in the mindset of sex, you'd be so much better off. But when you're just going from your day and the kids and the laundry and the dog and then you're like, boom. Sexual. That's why we're all having a challenging time around sex.

Yes, because our stress hangs out in the past and the future, our bliss, our orgasms hang out in the right.

Now, in the present moment.

And the five senses are really just a trick to get yourself into your body, into the right brain, and therefore into the right now.

Thanks to my awesome team, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, our interns, producer Jamie and Michael. What's it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com com.

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