Mismatched Sex Drives: Here’s the Fix

I think that we all agree that sex is an important part of being healthy overall. So try to think about like, what do I need to show up as the strongest, most intimate, most passionate sexual being and then do some of those steps? You're going to see that it's going to change your sex life and change your attitudes towards sex and certainly enhance your relationship with yourself and your partner. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Mismatched Sex Drives it is one of the most common issues long term relationships face and one of the most common questions we get asked on this show frequently. One partner has an insatiable appetite for sex, while the other might treat sex more like a chore. But just because your libidos aren't synced up now doesn't mean they'll be that way forever. On today's Hotline show, I answer questions all about you and your partner's differing sex drives and how to communicate your way to better alignment. From a caller who misses the drama and excitement their sex life once had to another whose partner's medication has caused his desire to be depleted. I'll break down step by step how to broach this sensitive subject because if left unaddressed, issues around sex can be fatal to a relationship and working through it will only make you and your partner stronger. Intentions with Emily for each episode, I want to start off by setting intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to help you work through all imbalances in your relationships because with the right mix of communication and empathy, you and your partner can build a more resilient and sex filled relationship. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Best Sexy stocking stuffers 2022 is up at sex with Emily.com check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. It's all at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or Message me at sex with emily.com Ask Emily or call my hotline 559-talk-EX or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Oh real quick. Before we get into today's show, I have to tell you about one of our partners Firm Tech, because this is probably one of the coolest inventions for your penis. This year I haven't seen anything like it. It's a wearable tool that not only enhances pleasure and performance, but allows for real time tracking of erectile function with sensor technology. Think of it like a Fitbit for your penis, because, listen, we know how common ED is, but the causes vary from penis to penis. Here's how FirmTech works. It operates by tracking specific elements for erectile fitness. For example, it can tell you how long your erection is going to last, how firm it is, the strength and force of your ejaculation. And then it sends information directly to your smartphone using an app. So it's kind of similar to tracking your other health metrics like blood pressure and bmi. So then they create this database of metrics and you can compare your data to other people of a similar age. So you're not just looking at your own data in a vacuum, but you're actually learning valuable data with other users to understand what steps you should take to have healthier erectile functioning. This technology helps you understand your threshold. So here's an example. Let's say you're at a party and you definitely want to have another drink, but you also want to have sex afterwards. Well, there's going to be alarm that's going to go off on your smartwatch that says you've reached your limit, no more cocktails. Gosh, don't you wish we had that for many things? Don't you wish sometimes you just knew, why did I have another drink? Well, this is going to connect you in the right moment where you might not always be able to make the right decisions for yourself. It's like your best friend around your penis. And what I love about this, I've never seen anything like this. They have this level of gamification and quantification that makes sexual function that much more understandable, but also helps you so you can have more pleasure. Oh, one more thing. Because it tracks real time metrics, the firm tech ring can also assess the effects of medications, diet, exercise, and we already mentioned alcohol. If you want to check out the firm tech, go to myfirmtech.com and use code EMILY20 to save 20% off at checkout. That's my firm tech.com. use code EMILY20. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

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We have Ashley in Florida. Thank you for calling in. Tell me what's going on. How can I help you? So I am 36 and my boyfriend is 37. We have been living together for about six months, dating for a year and a half. I would like to have sex more frequently. We currently have it about every four or five days. And I feel like I just have a greater sexual desire than him. And I brought it up a couple of different times and it always kind.

Of goes back to, well, I'm taking antidepressant, you know, anti anxiety medication and it lowers my desire, my sexual desire.

So.

And that it's not me. He tries to reassure me that, but.

I don't know, I don't know how else to approach the issue. I feel like my needs are kind.

Of not being met.

But I don't want to keep nagging him as well. Okay. Has he been on the antidepressant, anti anxiety medication since you started dating?

Yes.

Okay, so you've been together, okay for a year and a half. So I'm gonna assume the first three to four months you were having sex a lot more frequently just because that's what happens in new relationships. And then did you start to notice maybe after you moved in together it just started becoming less frequent? So we had sex probably about the same amount of time just because we saw each other less frequently. So it wasn't that much of an issue. But I'm noticing it a lot more lately because we do live together, we see each other every day.

I have a very healthy desire for him.

This is a really great question. I gotta say, Ashley, that This is the most common challenge for couples is mismatched libidos or mismatched desire. And in every relationship, there is a high desire partner and a low desire partner. And the low desire partner actually has more of the power in the relationship because they're the one who's deciding when you're having sex, when you're not having sex. But this is a really common place, and most couples have some kind of challenge on it, some sort of spectrum here. Right. And it sounds like for you, you are, you know, voicing it with him and he's just like, not into it. Right. What does he say when you let him know that you would like to have sex more often? Because I get not wanting to be a nag. Does he ever say anything like, oh, I'd like to try, or is he like, this is just how it is? What's his response? Um, he's like, well, I would like.

For it to just happen naturally is generally his response.

But the happen naturally is generally me initiating things. So I feel like sometimes I kind of get frustrated and I'm like, well, I'm just not going to initiate things and see how long it's going to go. But I don't feel like that's the right approach either. Right, it's not. But I understand that when you initiate what happens. I mean, he wants it, he does.

Have that desire, and we have a really great connection.

So there's nothing. I don't feel like he doesn't have a desire.

For me, we have a really good connection.

Let me tell you what's going on here. And this is really, really common. There's two kinds of desire. There's responsive desire and spontaneous desire. What you have right now is spontaneous desire. Like, you are turned on, you think about your partner and you're ready to go. He has responsive desire, which is actually more common, I gotta say, with most people, is that we respond to stimuli. So for him, it sounds like it's you initiating, you making the move, and then he's ready to go. How this might look with other people is like, for me, like, I need to have a connection with my partner to make sure that we have like a really great convers. And then I. I need him to maybe touch me in a certain way or kiss me. Like, I like to kiss first, and then once we kiss, I'm more in the mood. Right. So we all have to kind of understand how we stoke that desire. But I also get the initiating thing too, is probably hard because you're like, I don't want to initiate and have him reject me or why didn't it just occur to him all of a sudden? But when we have these different desire styles, it just doesn't work like that. And so kind of you understanding that, like, it's not that he doesn't want to. It just doesn't occur to him until he is saying, stimulated by you touching him and turning him on. So that's kind of what what I'm hearing is. And perhaps it is the medication that has sort of dampened that desire in him. Okay.

Yeah.

It's just a little difficult, you know.

When you have not always been the initiator, just trying to switch hats with that. But I think, you know, I'm willing to do that and give it a try.

Yeah, I think you should be willing to do that. But the other thing I want to say is what would also be worthwhile? Because we're not just going to let him off the hook here. Because here's the thing, I think that he should. And to be honest with you, I've had this in my relationships too, where I'm just like, I'm not the initiator and I have to consciously think I haven't initiated. Wow. What do I need to do to get in the mood? We did a show called Arousal Styles and Arousal and we've been Arousal inventory, or Desire inventory is really what it is. And there's a series of questions and some of the questions are like, how to look at. He could you guys could do this together? How important is it that I share something stimulating with someone to be turned on? How important is it I've dressed up and feel confident. How important is it for me to watch something sexy media beforehand? How important they feel safe and comfortable? So, like, looking at all the ways in the environment. The article is called five Arousal Styles. Which ones are you? It's an article too. So some people get aroused through conversation, aroused through touch, aroused through visuals, aroused through play. So what would get your partner closer to being aroused? Knowing this, like, what could you do? What could he do to say, like, oh, I'm really in the mood once you touch me, or I'm really in the mood once we watch porn together. So, you know, again, we're not letting him off the hook here, but understanding your arousal styles and what turns you on, I think is important work for everybody in a relationship or when you're not in a relationship. Okay, great. I will definitely read that article and bring that up in conversation. So thank you. I appreciate it so much. I love your show. Thank you. Thank you so much for calling in. I appreciate you. Okay, guys. Yeah, here's the thing. Listen, if you've been in a relationship with someone, you, it is split down the middle. Like, you initiate on Mondays and your partner initiates on Wednesday, and you both have the same sex drive. That's incredible. I would love to know about you. I would love you to call into the show. But I'm telling you, in most situations, it is a dance. It's a compromise. It's something that couples have to become really, really aware of. But imagine if you know this right now. Like, I don't care if you've been with someone for, you know, 10 months, 10 years. This is not common knowledge. Most people don't even know that they can get into this. They can really understand, like, what does turn me on, how can I hack my arousal? So I get there. So that's why I always talk about scheduling sex. Knowing that you're going to have sex on a Saturday allows you to spend the week thinking about what you might want to do, how you would turn yourself on, how to turn your partner on, and then you don't have to worry about it. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, like, should I initiate, my partner going to reject me? You know, that takes all the worry out of it. So there's all these different hacks and all these different ways you can work with yourself and your partner figuring out what can we do to make sure that we are both efficient, effective, passionate lovers with each other. Okay, next we have John. He's 33 in Connecticut. Hey, John. What's going on?

Hi. How you doing, Dr. Emily?

I'm good, John. What's up? Tell me everything.

My wife and I have been married for 28 years. If I get a little emotional, I'm not trying to be. Trust me.

It's okay.

I'm here for you. John.

Overall, we have, I think, a healthy relationship. I mean, we don't argue, we don't fight a lot. I mean, we generally get along really well. When it comes to the bedroom, it's a different issue. We just celebrated our anniversary on the 21st first of this month. So it's 28 years for us. She ended up taking a work shift on our anniversary day. I was hoping to try and go somewhere in special for the day, but she ended up taking a shift. So that kind of told me right off the bat that maybe it was going to be a no celebration anniversary. And with the COVID thing, everything's been messed up, and we've Been busy. And I'm an essential worker myself. And she's a nurse too, so we both have been busy. Yeah, so. So that day she took a shift. I ended up doing yard work, so on and so forth. She came home that night. I was tired because I was working out in the yard all day long. I took a shower, got cleaned up. I mean, I know you talked about something like this before, but I'm a. A celebration anniversary blowjob type of person. I get one occasionally once a year, and it's for a special occasion being the anniversary. So I was kind of expecting to be intimate with her and to do something like that. It didn't happen on the anniversary night, but the next morning. I'm always the initiator when it comes to this stuff. She never initiates. So we start fooling around a little bit. I get going. I completely take care of her, which I've always done. I've always made sure her needs are met. And, you know, when it comes to the love making, I'm always on the top and, you know, that type of thing. So I finished her off. She orgasm. And she's a one and done type of person. She doesn't really want to have multiple orgasms, which is fine. I'm okay with that. First words out of her mouth after she orgasm was, okay, it's your turn, but let's hurry up. And you need to help me because I'm not that good. And as far as jerking me off or whatever. And at the moment, I was like getting ready to go, and I'm like. It didn't really sink into me at the time. And then after the day, she ended up making plans to take my daughter or go visit my daughter at college. So the Saturday, which was after our anniversary, we couldn't do anything because she took off and made plans with my daughter. So I'm working around the yard again on Saturday because we didn't go anywhere. And I'm thinking about what she said to me, and I'm just like, you know, that's pretty harsh. Yeah, I. I didn't talk to her about this yet because I'm still upset about it. And it was our anniversary night. The morning of our anniversary night, she doesn't even really look me in the eyes when we're having sex. I know her libido is low, and I know she not always into it and she's doing it for me, but the whole thing with the anniversary sex, I felt like it was just an obligation.

Mm.

Yeah. Have you felt like this Before John? Or do you think this is just sort of like the, like, time where you're just like, I'm done.

We actually did go through. We did go through counseling for about a year and a half.

Okay.

She was for it originally. I'm the one that initiated the counseling. She was forward initially. And then. And I do have to say the counselor wasn't always on my side. She was. She would, you know, pick both sides out and she would, you know, one.

Day I. Yeah, there's always two. Yeah, there's two in every situation. Yeah, of course. But wait, John. Cause I only have a few more minutes, but let me. Of course not. No, John, you sound like you have the empathic heart. You're carrying the heart in the relationship right now. So I get that. But I feel like 28 years, a long time, that's like such a. Like. And I could see that you had a lot of expectations around this anniversary because it's happened in the past. Maybe that makes sense. And that's okay. To expectations. And then on top of that, her comment, which it could just be like a throwaway comment, she was ready for the day she wanted to get over with. And that is hurtful. But she might not even remember she said it. I would address this because it's a week later and it's still really upsetting you. And I would say to her, you know, I. I really want to talk about our anniversary because it's been. It's been hurtful to me. You know, I know I had these expectations that I, you know, I love oral sex and our anniversary, you know, I expected it didn't happen. And I get that we're busy, but then in the morning, you made this comment, and this is how it made me feel. It made me feel. How did it make you feel, John?

Like she didn't want to be there.

Yeah, exactly. And you could say, was that your intention? So you could let her know how you made it feel. And then maybe she was like, oh, God, no. I was actually so stressed, and I love you. No, I want to make, you know, 28 years. You're right. I'm sorry. Or she might say, well, I'm not good at it. And you always expect, like. Because then you're going to find something out. But you said that you don't argue. The first thing you said was you led this conversation by saying, It's 28 years and we never argue. I don't know that that's such a great thing. Like, to me, couples who don't argue and don't have conflict, have bigger problems than many of us because you've been together 28 years.

Maybe it's time for some context.

She needs to be a non confrontational type of person. I mean, she tries to avoid controversy at all costs.

Well, how's that going?

I have to say that she's not an evil or spiteful person.

I don't think she is. No, she's not. But like it also. So, Jen, I'm not, I'm not vilifying your wife at all. I'm just saying that like right now you're needing, you're craving some kind of intimate. You're craving your wife. Like I think you miss her and you want some love and attention and affection from her and she's, you know, and you're not getting what you need and that's it. And like that's, and that's a lot. So 28 years. I want you to be together for 28 more. But I feel like, and I don't mean you need conflict and I don't want you to fight. I hate conflicts. I am so conflict of avoidant. So I'm not even telling you got to get a fight. I'm saying you could say to her, this is what I just feel lately. It's been hard and I need a little bit more love from you. I would love a hug. I'd love you to come home and tell me that you want to have sex with me and that you desire me. It just makes me feel less than, makes me feel less connected to you and for our relationship to thrive. I kind of need some of this from you. When we're back, I'll be speaking to more brave callers all about mismatched sex drives in their relationship.

Let's talk to Laura and she's 29 years old. Hi, what's going on? Thank you so much for calling in. How can I help you?

I emailed you because basically I've been with my now boyfriend off and on since 2014. And in the beginning I have always been like laser focused on I want a relationship with you. And we weren't always in alignment with that. And that led to some breakups. And I always felt like in the relationship I was on the back burner. I felt like my role in the relationship was to support him and be there for him while he was in this very demanding sales career. But because I wasn't receiving any verbal affirmations or really quality time, I used sex as a way to feel affirmed in the relationship. And to feel like he loved me. I draw the line, I draw some boundaries and I say, I'm tired of this. I'm not going to be treated this way anymore. You're not even treating me like a baseline good friend at this point. So I. I'm out. I'm done. So then about a month went by and I don't know what happened, but that was two years ago. And now he's shown up every single day how I always wanted him to. And he still does show up so lovingly every day. But as far as our sex life goes, it's the opposite of the best case scenario. Because before I was like craving it, I needed it because I needed those that emotional gratification I got from it. Now that I'm in this beautiful, loving relationship, my libido is at zero. And I like, think more about getting a good night's sleep and making sure that the plates are clean now that he's like, here.

Okay, that was very, you see, very self aware. I'm totally with you and following along. So I mean, what I'm hearing is, first off, I love that he was able to come around. It sounds like he really did mature throughout this period of your relationship for seven years. So. And how old are you?

You're 29.

29. So you've been together since you were 22, which is like most of your 20s. And sounds like you guys have grown up together and he has matured and all the things which I love. First, just know that when you were with somebody for this long, that this is commonplace. That this is like, you know, you guys are comfortable, you become each other's best friends, you're together all the time. It is really hard to keep that spark alive. Like what that spark is created by and why we have that spark is spontaneity. And when things are uncertain and when you have the newness and variety. Right. So it's like variety, spontaneity, and novelty. Those are the things that we crave. Well, when you're with someone for seven years, it's really hard. You have to like, make an effort to create that. Like, how do you do you guys living together?

Yeah, yeah. Now we live together.

So it's like, how do you do that? Like, there's nothing spontaneous about you getting up and going to the bathroom and taking out the trash. Like, that is not hot. And so what I'm hearing from you is like just really understanding of how you hacked that. Like knowing that this happens in every relationship. Couples often aren't equipped to even understand what they need to keep it hot. So this is when affairs happen. This is when people break up. Sometimes couples just. They fall out of love. They fall out of attraction. They can't get it back. But what I'm hearing is, like, we just need you to kind of figure out how can you get yourself to be in a state of desire and arousal? Like, do you know what it looks like when you are turned on? Like, have. Can you look to the last time you were into the sex with him?

I feel like now I'm chasing the high of the drama that was in the tumultuous part of our relationship. I know that that's when I was like, most turned on all the time. And now, like, we'll have sex, but it's like so much more loving, which is nice, rather than like, really hot, you know?

Well, that's what makes so much sense too. Like, that drama. Like, literally, you're having adrenaline and the dopamine, and it's exciting, exciting. Like you have chemicals in your brain that are wired around your arousal and your initial desire with your partner, initial traction was built upon drama. Is he in? Is he out? Is he going to show up? Is he not? Does he want me? Is it out on me? And now you got him. You're like. So I also have a question for you. Is like, are there other things? Like, do you think he's your life partner? Like, if we could get this sex going again? Yeah, you want to be with him, like, he's your guy. Okay, so this is such great news. I love it because sometimes people I'll ask that, like, well, this happened or he cheated or I don't like the way he does all these things. But no, you're just saying, like, I got to stoke my arousal and desire. So if you talked to him about this before.

Yes, I actually, I listened to the episode about your dream fantasy or like your fantasy narrative and then coming up with, how do you want to feel when you're having sex? And I actually talked to him about that. And this is also my situation. He's so down for anything. Like, he's down to have the conversations. He's down to do whatever I want. But then part of me is like, well, that's like, blah.

That's not hot. He's not the edge. You want the bad boy or whatever it was. That's what you're craving.

Yeah.

Well, I love that you know this about yourself. Do you respect him and how he is going to be honest with you? Like how he Moves through life and how he is with his friends and work.

Like, I think so, yeah.

Okay. Does he lead you sexually? Is he. Does he initiate? Does he. Do you feel like you're craving more of a. Aggression from him or more of, like, taking charge sexually?

I think I might, but I fear that he initiates less now because I may have rejected him one too many times. Now it's in the back of his mind. I'm probably just going to get rejected again. Balls in Laura's court. Like, whenever she's ready to go, then I'm down until we reach this equilibrium again. It's my turn to do the initiating. I just don't feel this, like, sexiness, this drama, you know, when do you.

Feel the sexiest or do you feel that right now?

I don't, but I did just go on a trip with all my girls. People hit on me and I felt so scandalous, but I kind of loved it, you know, And I did feel sexy. And I came back and I immediately initiated sex with my partner because I was, like, feeling myself again.

So sometimes that's really common. We get out, we take a break from a partner. A lot of people do report that their best sex or their most drive comes when they're on vacation because they don't have the stressors of the dishes in the sink and work. And so I think that this is really like a you thing. How can you start to create scenarios where you are going to feel turned on, where you are going to feel your best self. And so maybe it's making plans or date nights or getting out of the house and doing things with him, seeing him at a party with all your friends and, like, being out in public and then coming back together at the end of the night, putting things in place that are going to make you feel the most aroused and the most turned on by him and by yourself. The other thing about is like, sex begets sex. So when you, you know, if you masturbate, do you think sexy things? You got to keep our pilot light lit because once it goes out, it's really hard to get it back again. You know, it just takes a little bit more work. It's like going to the gym. Like, you can go every day and you feel amazing, but then you stop for a week and you're like, oh, God, this is so painful. You know, maybe it's like, you know, doing our yes, no, maybe list on the website and you guys together. Even though I know he's down for everything, but really finding one thing, like, oh, I. You want to tie me up. I've wanted to be tied up. And then you go out and get some bondage gear and you get a hotel room for a night, or you go to, you know, you go somewhere out of your house and you create a scenario that creates new, like, synapses firing around your sex life. You want to get a different pattern going that's like out of this drag of the pandemic and being together. I'm just assuming that's what it is. Like, you've got set in your routine and your ways and you know, there's always going to be a show to watch and there's always going to be dishes to do and there's always going to be things like that in your life. Like, I'm just going to tell you, like, eventually if you've kids maybe, like, there's going to be kids crying. Like, that's going to be the reality. But saying like, okay, I'm in this rut now and I'm going to try to figure out all the things I need to do to show up, be sexual, to feel good. Like, for me, I know it's like working out, breathing before I see my partner, having a split between the end of the day and the time I see my partner. Because otherwise I'm like rolling over from work. And even though I'm talking about sex, I'm not in the most, you know, turned on space. So I need to, like, do certain things. I think most of us get into places where we're just not always turned on. We've got a lot of things going on. So it's like hacking that for yourself, you know, for you, you know, you need to, like, go out and feel great. Like that's what you're going to need. So you need to start collecting this data right now. And that's going to change. It could change in a few years. But right now, even if you just know a few things that you need to feel like you are a sexual being, that you're going to start to, like, stoke your own desire and arousal again.

I used to get glam all the time. I used to, like, get dressed up before I even saw him. And that's probably what happened on the trip. I got dressed up every day. Even if it's like an everyday glam, it probably is just like my little routines. And to be totally transparent, I feel like even my masturbating has gotten really efficient, for lack of a better word.

This is all such good information. And honestly, I'm in The same boat. I work from home. Like, I was like, I have to start putting clothes on. Like, I'm gonna put my shoes on. I'm put pants on. I'm going to leave in the middle of the day because it's so comfortable. And then I don't feel at all. I didn't want to see people, so I don't want to see my partner. So, like, I'm in the same boat. I think a lot of people are. I've been, like, wondering. It's just really hard. It takes effort.

Before, I used to get glam for work, and now I really need to get glam for my partner and for myself.

Yeah, because you're going to start to feel good, too. You realize that once you do it and once you get glam again, you're like, oh, yeah, I feel good. I've made the effort. Effort, right. And then for your partner, too, because, yeah, he probably loves you however you are, but I'm sure when you make the effort, it's like, oh, look at you. It's just we want to see our.

Partner in different, like, definitely. Thank you so much.

You're so welcome. It was so good to talk to you. I appreciate you calling and let me know how it goes. I just want to say that, remember when people say, like, sex takes work, it always bums me out because, like, people, well, I don't want sex to be work. It's supposed to be so hot and amazing all the time. Well, why don't we just say it's an exercise? Sex takes some consciousness, Sex takes some mindfulness, takes some intention to be a great lover to your partner, to yourself. So just once, we all know that. We know there's some things I have to do here to show up sexually. It's not always going to be so easy. But that's okay because I think that we all agree that sex is an important part of being healthy overall. So try to think about, like, what do I need to show up as the strongest, most intimate, most passionate sexual being? And then do some of those steps? You're going to see that it's going to change your sex life and change your attitude towards sex and certainly enhance your relationship with yourself and your partner? We have Abby, 31, in Virginia. Thank you so much for calling. Tell me what's going on.

So I am newly engaged, which I'm super excited about. We've been together for about two and a half years, and overall, really great relationship. But there's one area where I feel like we need to Grow in a little bit more. And that's our sex life. So that's why I'm reaching out to you, and I'm super excited.

Great. Welcome to the show. You came to the right place.

Thank you. Yeah. So at first, when we would have sex, it was like I would try to suggest things or, you know, kind of give encouraging words, move his hand in the right direction, and it felt like he would get frustrated or wouldn't really take the feedback, which made it really tough because everyone has different wants and desires. So it's like, how can we progress in this if he's not open to that? But that side has grown a lot, and I feel like he's more open to suggestions. But I feel like now whenever he initiates, it's more so what he wants. And once he gets what he wants, that's it. There's not really much foreplay. There's nothing much pleasure, honestly, that I'm getting out of things on my side, and I'm not quite sure how to shift that.

I like to assume that most of our partners want to be great lovers to us, that they did not get into a relationship, say, you know what, I'm just going to care about my needs and not my partner. So 100%. I'm sure that he's like, wants to do what he can. But we have to remember, when it comes to sex specifically, is that first, it's really hard to take feedback, especially because most people, we don't even talk about sex, right? We don't know how to share what we want. And so it sounds like he's been more open to that. But still, when it comes to the execution of it, he's not quite sure what to do. And in the moment when we are in a heightened state of arousal and we have all our hormones are flaring and we're feeling so aroused and turned on, it's kind of hard sometimes to make rational sense, to kind of be stopping and thinking, like, what did she say she wanted? And I'm really turned on right now, so let's get going. I love the compliment sandwich approach, where you are giving feedback. The bread's like two compliments and two affirmations, but in the middle there in the meat is you're giving some suggestive feedback. And so I would start by saying, you know, I've noticed, like, I love that when you are making these efforts when we're together to do things for me that turn me on. And then the feedback would be. But I've noticed that sometimes there's these moments where we're having sex and I'm not quite getting what I need from you. And then give him specific steps again, you might already done that. Or let him know specifically what you need. Do you know what you need and what are those things?

Yeah, I mean, I think more foreplay in general. He tends to just jump straight into it, which I feel like from listening to your shows, a trend.

And just, I mean, even he doesn't really want to kiss a lot or like, explore the body. It's like, let's get straight to it. That doesn't really work for me. So then it turns to me not really wanting sex as much and feeling like I'm not getting anything out of it, so why would I want it? Which really sucks.

Yes, this is very common. You listen to show it's not just a trend. It's literally what has been happening since the beginning of time. We have to understand is this is also an education thing. So he needs to understand and needs to learn that. That for vulva owners, the majority of vulva owners, if you think about it this way, we are like slow cookers, right? And if you have a penis, you're more like a frying pan. It takes us a while to get turned on, to get aroused. And we can't just go from zero to sex. If he understands the mechanics of it. That we're talking about, biology, physiology, you know, we're talking about. This is just the way like, you, you actually requirement, like, foreplay is not just a light suggestion. It's actually a requirement. And that you. You don't feel aroused, your body's not getting turned on, and you won't be ready to go unless these things happen. You know, you could even ask them. So, like, I've noticed, like, I know we've talked about this before and, like, the last thing I want to do is to be a nag. But can you let me know, like, what happens in the moment? Like, let's break it down. Like, what. What could I do to help you here, you know, if it doesn't happen again. And I want you not to get frustrated, Abby, because this might take another time. You might have talked about it tonight and then talked about it in a week from now or a month from now. You know, I just. It takes again, long time to build a new habit.

So if I'm, you know, guiding him in the moment slightly, just moving him. His hand somewhere, he doesn't get offended, but he kind of does like it. I feel like it's an Ego thing, maybe, where it's like, he doesn't feel like he's doing something right, and then he'll get worked up about it. Do you have any suggestions on that?

First, I would say, when you're talking to him, I would say, you know what, babe, I want to tell you this. And, like, I would look into his eyes. I would be touching him maybe at the time, like, however you feel the most intimate. Say, babe, I want you to know that I've noticed sometimes when this happens, I put your hand away. That how I experience it is that you get a little frustrated at the moment. You can tell him because you make this sound or you do this. Maybe he's got this, like, reaction where he does this thing with his eyes and you're like, oh, that's his frustrated look. But maybe it's not at all. And you could say, I just want to check that, because then I don't feel as comfortable making that move. So can you just tell me, is that still frustrating to you? And let him say, like, yes or no. Maybe he doesn't notice it. Do something else. And I think it's the way you do it. Maintaining contact, smiling, like, connecting. So staying connected while you're doing it.

I feel like I've gotten to a point where maybe I am getting a little frustrated because I feel like I just don't know what else to do and I don't want to be that way. I mean, if we're going to be.

Married, let me just go back to one thing that you said. You're like, everything's great. We're getting married. I'm so happy. But there's this one thing. It is not just a little thing. It's not just like, he leaves his sockets on the floor. I mean, this is sex. And this is a much bigger thing. Because there might be reasons why he. Like, usually the problems with sex are not just one thing. Like, the conversation is going to help. But maybe there is something that happened to him. Many men are taught to be like, I got to be in charge. I got to know what I'm doing sexually. And if someone gives me feedback that I'm less of a man, like, my penis just shrank. And I'm a terrible person if I'm not being the greatest lover right now, right? So it's ego, it's shame. Who know, we don't know what it is for your partner. But this is why, like, if you guys could just get down to it, be like, let's just talk about this, because I Want us to, like, let's get through all of this stuff, like, what it might mean and, like, learn to be incredible lovers to each other.

Awesome. Well, I'm excited. I hope it works out.

I am, too. I'm excited for you, too. I think you're armed with some important information, so I would love to know how it goes. I feel good about this. I feel like he's probably going to be able to listen in a way that maybe before, he just felt shame.

Yeah, I hope so.

Why not figure all this stuff before you walk down the aisle? And I can't tell you how many people I hear from a year. We've been married for 10 years. 15 years. My partner doesn't like this, and I don't. But we could have figured this all out before we got married, you know? And I know you love him, but this stuff is not just a. Oh, in the sex. This is like, a huge part of your relationship. Because when couples don't work this stuff out and they stop having sex and the resentments build and they become roommates. Roommates without the sex. So not the good kind of roommates.

Not the satisfying kind of roommates.

Yeah. And actually, he's coming home right now. I see him pulling the driveway, so.

Oh, my God. Well, I would do it. Let him know. Let me know how it goes. Good luck to you, Abby. You got this, girl. Just speak from the heart, you guys. I love the idea of premarital counting therapy. Whatever you got before. You are committing to somebody, to marriage, to spend the rest of your life with them, to wake up next to this person every single morning, go to bed to them every single night. Don't you want to understand who they are? Do you have the same values? Do you both commit to talking about intimacy and sex? I think when people get married, they feel like it's harder to do. So why not find out who this person is? Are you on the same page? I don't think it's ever too soon to get some help with understanding how you guys are going to communicate and go forward and understanding how you both feel about your sex life. Do it now.

That's it for today's episod. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. SexWithemily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com. and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talk-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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