Mojo Makeover with Dana Myers

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our secret institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them.

In a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

But, you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. follow us on all social media because that's always fun. It's exwithemily across the board. Happy masturbation month. It's a big month, you guys. It is my favorite month of the year. So we're having a contest as we do. And for this contest, I want you guys to answer. How has masturbation benefited your life and specifically your sex life? What has it done for you? What have been the perks of having a masturbation practice? Email me feedbackexwithnley.com by June 7th. To enter, we're going to give some sexy prizes per usual. And we love the details. Like, I love hearing your stories. I could read your stories all day long. But it helps if you keep it on the shorter side. You know what that means? You'll know if it's. If you think it's too long, it's probably a smidge too long. We appreciate the editing, and I appreciate all of you, and I appreciate my guest. I'm so excited to see Dana Meyers here in the house. Hey. Hey. Hi, Dana.

I'm so excited to be here. Emily.

This is so fun.

It's a long time in the making. We've known each other for, like, 13 years.

Yep.

And we haven't seen each other for seven.

That's what it is. I figured.

I think it's seven years, maybe eight years, something like that. So I'm thrilled to be here.

Well, you look amazing. Thank you. And you are amazing. You continue to inspire me. So I first met Dana. You guys know I go to all these really fun trade shows of pleasure products, sex toys. And Dana has the coolest line of products called Booty Parlor.

Thank you.

And it's. How do you explain Booty Parlor?

Yeah, Booty Parlor's like the beauty parlor for your love life. So it's sensual cosmetics that kind of make you feel beautiful and attractive and turned on. On. And then we have romantic treats. So once you're feeling sexy, then you can go and use our massage oils and kissable body toppings to create sexier experiences.

Right. And they're really. You guys gotta check out those. But we are not gorgeous. They're gorgeous and they're amazing. And they're like all that sexy, shimmery stuff that you want when you are feeling sexy, which hopefully is all the time. Dana's here to help remind us how to feel sexy. Because, Dana, since I've seen you, she's become a mom twice. Twice. Because twice a mom. And she just wrote an awesome book that is going to. I promise you, it's going to inspire and benefit so many people. Like, I want to send one to every mom I know.

And it's called The Mommy Mojo 28 Tools to Reclaim yourself and reignite your sensuality. No, reignite your relationship.

Reignite your relationship. Right. So it's just coming out now. So we're just getting the title down. But what I love about this is that the mission of the mommy makeover is, like, how moms can feel like sexy again and in their bodies and want to desire sex. Get their libido back. And you've got great tips and tools and exercises for mom. So tell your story about how you came out writing this book, how you came to Booty Parlor to writing this book about.

Sure. Being sexy.

Well, yeah, you know, I was the.

Founder of this sexy brand. I was doing sexy workshops for celebrities and representing this amazing product. And I was feeling really sexy in my life. I always have, like, sex is an outlet for me, for expression and pleasure. And then I.

She's like a walking sexy woman here. Like, you see her, you're like, yes, you make sexy things and talk sex.

Well, it powers me, right? Like, sexuality and orgasms are the rocket fuel that power me through life in all areas of my life. But when I had kids, I suddenly. I lost it. I lost part of myself, my identity. I felt like my sexuality was on pause. And that was really confusing to me because I had never, ever felt this kind of loss of libido, this disconnection to that part of myself. And along with that and the loss of personal freedom, I started being really resentful of my husband and just not being inspired by sex anymore. So I thought, well, this can't be. Like, I'm the founder of Booty Parlor. This can't happen to me. And actually, one day, I was pumping and getting ready to go on a breast.

Pumping.

Not breasting iron, not penis pumping.

Or that's another topic for another show.

Anyhow, I had 10 minutes before I was gonna get on this video conference. I was trying to do a million things. I was trying to feel sexy, you know, look sexy and present this image that I wasn't feeling. And I put on my pump, and I forgot to put the bottles on. And so I just Started dripping all over my own body. And I thought, this is enough. Like I cannot be distracted. Pulled in a million directions. Not in touch with myself, not in touch with my sensuality. And so that was this moment where I kind of drew the line in the sand. And I picked up my first book, which is the Mojo Makeover.

Okay.

And I started rereading the exercises that I had written and I started practicing them through a mother's eyes. Right. And with my new schedule and all these different things, those experiences, and just every day I started doing something to reclaim my sensuality. I started masturbating again. I started scheduling sex. I started going wild with my girlfriends. I started doing all of these things to rebuild my mojo. Right.

All the things that you knew that you intellectually should do, that you'd been teaching others to do.

That's right.

And probably thought, like you say in the opening of your book, which I love, you're like, I never thought that would be me. Like, I'll be the mom who I won't read my libido like every other mom. Like, I won't be too tired for sex. I'll always feel sexy because I'm Dana Meyers.

So naive.

Right. Well, right. Because we're suitable and you're like, wah, wah. But luckily you have the tools to kind of be like, oh, I know what's possible.

Yeah.

And you would already written the book about it.

And I just made a practice of it. And then I started sharing it with the women in my Mommy and Me group. And then I started workshopping it and I thought this works. And if you make it a practice and you kind of look for yourself again as a sensual woman and then you bring that into your relationship. I feel like there's this idea around motherhood and sex that like the sexiest years are over once you have kids. And I want to blow the lid off those preconceptions.

Same.

And just like I want mothers to feel a sense of sexual entitlement.

Right. I deserve pleasure.

I deserve pleasure. And no matter how busy I am or how stretched I am, pleasure should come first so that I can then continue giving to everyone else around me.

Because that's your fuel.

Totally.

It's not the being the giver, the pleaser, the mom.

No.

How do you explain to women like to masturbate to make that time that they actually. That will be filling you up in ways that nothing else will by actually making time to masturbate and self pleasuring. Can we start there? Because I've got.

Let's Start there.

I want to hear your question.

Okay, so top line, I'm a really organized person. I'm very organized with my work. I'm very organized with my home life. And so I take that same approach to my sex life. And so every Sunday night, I sit down and I do what I call mojo mapping and sex planning. And I look at my week, and I go, okay, I'm gonna masturbate on Tuesday morning because I know that I'm gonna have the house to myself. And then on Thursday night, I'll be like, okay, we've got a sitter. She can take the kids for ice cream. That's gonna give us an hour alone in the house. And I pencil it in. We're gonna have great creative sex for half an hour, and then we're gonna chill for a half an hour.

So does your hu. Does he. Do you guys share a Google cal? That's like, playful, sexy night role play? I'll be the cop. So I do.

Okay. I tell him about 50% of the time, because if I told him every time I planned it, I think he would think it was two staged, and he might think that I was seeing it as a chore that I had to pencil in, which it's not. I just consider it. This is me making it a priority because I love him and I love us, and I love that sexual connection. So to me, it's not a chore. It's a priority. And I tell the same for women. Like, if you tell me you don't have time to masturbate, I will ask you to take one day and clock how much time you are wasting on Facebook. Just clock it. Just clock it, right? And how much time you're numbing out, scrolling through other people's lives, Instagram or Facebook.

I agree. And you know what?

That's fun. It's fine. It's healthy to, you know, get that window into other people's lives. But take 15 minutes.

Literally those 15 minutes on your masturbation time. That's it.

Once or twice a week, and create a ritual out of it. So I have a masturbation playlist. I get my coconut oil out. I dance. I rub my body with coconut oil. I lay out my toys so they're like my little lovers. I'm like, oh, hi there. You know, And I'm like, which one? Which. Who am I gonna play with today? You know? And I love it. I might watch a little porn. I might read a little erotica, and I really make it a date with myself, but it only takes 15 minutes. Cause once you get going, yeah, you got a good vibe. It's like you're there.

It's true. And then let's talk about the benefits of how you feel after that. Like, why? Why is this important?

Well, it's so important because it relieves stress. It tunes me into myself. I think it's the best way to build body confidence whether you've had a baby or not. I think women, we're all hard on our bodies, but if you're in tune with your body, if you know how to give yourself pleasure, it's almost impossible to hate on yourself in that moment, right?

In that moment, you love your body. You are in love with, you are loving yourself.

So you're creating that muscle memory so that later on when you're like, oh, my thighs. Oh, why are you so big? You start to train yourself to be like, wait a second. I remember pleasuring myself this morning and how good I felt about my body in the morning. So you start to become better to your body and yourself all throughout the day. It takes time to build that connection, Right? But I do think that masturbating helps you love your body more in and out of the bedroom. I always say that the way you perceive your sexuality is the way you perceive your life. So if you feel comfortable to pleasure yourself, you're gonna feel more comfortable and confident to trust your intuition in your daily life. If you feel free to moan and use your voice while you're making love or having an orgasm, you're going to feel more empowered to use your voice in a business meeting or even just like, you know, telling your kids what to do with, you know, with a firm tone and not feeling bad about it.

Right?

So the way you know your body sexually, I think, is the way you know yourself in the world.

I love it. That's such good advice. And I. And I love what you're saying about, like, the prioritization of it. Because I think there's a lot of moms who are like, spend so much time scheduling, you know, their kids soccer practice and their dinners or their family plan or their vacation or the summer or the kids camp. And they're like, why not just plan in the masturbation for 15 minutes? I love thinking ahead. Because if you think, yeah, I know, I should do it, it's another item on your to do list. And what I like about your book is that you give people tools. You have the plans, you have the worksheets that you fill out. Cause I feel like if I don't plan anything. It won't happen. And then another week will go by and like, even, like, I've class passed. Do you guys have class pass?

Of course.

Yeah. So it's like, it's how I plan my workouts. I can go to. And now I've just. I've had it for three months, to be honest. Didn't use it, paid it every month. And I was like, oh, I get it. My workout's not just gonna happen. It's so important to me, like, almost. I mean, as important for me as masturbation, of course. And I just realized, like, oh, I can plan a week ahead. There it is. Don't have to think about it. That's right. And I know this might seem to people like, no, but masturbation's gonna have to just hit me in the. How's that going for you? Right, guys? How's your mess? How's that been going for you? So I love this.

Like, I actually, yeah, I would say don't wait, create. Right? Exactly. Like you just said, don't wait for desire to smack you over the head. It's not going to happen. But if you create it, then you are integrating sensuality and sexuality into your life. On the daily. Into your mom routine. And whether you're a mom or not, we're all busy with work. We're trying to make it in the world and make it a priority, do some planning around it, and then follow through.

I love it. Let's talk about, though, how things have changed since you've become a mom as far as, like, your body and master. And, like, did you. Was there anything you had to do get your body back? Were you doing Kegels? Were you doing.

Yeah.

Okay. Sort of change for you?

Yeah. Well, during my first pregnancy, I did Kegels, like, religiously, and I gave birth to Rocky naturally without an epidural, which was the amazing. And I really wanted that to happen, and I'm so glad that it did happen. But I could feel I was so connected to my muscles and pushing him out. It was like one of the best moments of my entire life and I think will be forever. The control and the connection that I had to those muscles in bringing life into the world. So that was amazing. Afterwards. Okay, we're talking.

Oh, my God. Afterwards.

Start with the pros. Yeah.

Okay, so the pros.

Beautiful baby. Felt connected and amazing.

Afterwards, I had to wear, like, a panty liner when I was exercising for a long time. And I thought, oh, if I'm strong before and I'm strong during birth and I'll be strong after. But no, I was still, like, not blown out. That's an exaggeration. But I was like, okay, there's pee coming out when I'm doing my P90X. And that was not nice.

It's not nice, no.

But you just rebuild it.

You rebuild it with Kegels.

I rebuild it and I used. Who was I using? I think I was using the balls. The smart balls, or, you know, some kind of.

Have you tried the Intensity in Control by Pour Moi? I haven't. Amazing. I should have them send you one.

Crystal Yoniag, which I love.

Oh, yeah, those are great too.

Loving that, Loving that.

Okay. Yeah.

And then with my daughter, I had to have a C section because she was breech. And what was interesting about that is on the one hand, it kind of connected me to the experience that so many women have, which is a C section.

But the healing was much different and much harder. And it caused me to kind of, you know, I had some body confidence issues afterwards with my belly because there was a scar and it was like. I just. That was a bit of a shock to me, so I just had to go back. There's a practice in the book called Reboot yout Body Confidence. And it's basically. Stop. Yes, it helps. Yeah. It's like when you catch yourself shit talking, you know, about your thighs or your belly or your breasts or your bum, you kind of catch yourself and you transform that negative body banter into what I call a sexy self love affirmation. So it's kind of basic and it's kind of silly. And some women say, well, if I can't stand in the mirror and say, oh, my God, thighs, you're so beautiful. I love you. You're so thick and juicy and amazing. Yes, it may feel false at first, but the more you tell yourself those things, you actually start to believe them. And you just create that connection with yourself.

Who else?

You gotta love yourself first.

If you don't love yourself, no one else is going to magically love in the way that you. In the way of, like, loving your body. And I've told women to stand in front of the mirror, do these things, but I love that you have this. You have tools. Like walk through the practice. Yes, part of it. And it really works. We're so hard on ourselves. Yeah, we are so hard. And you must hear this from your friends, too. You must have been inspired. Probably a lot of mom friends were feeling a lot of the same things. So I'm Sure. You're just like this, like, beacon of hope for all of them. Yeah. And then inspiration and goddess energy for them, too. Being like, this is you guys. I've got my. What'd you call, your vibrators?

I don't know. My little lovers.

Your little lovers. Nothing wrong with that.

You know, the other thing I think about, that I want to mention about talking badly about yourself to yourself is that you don't notice that other people around you are hearing it. You kind of think you're just saying it in your mind, but oftentimes you're saying, ugh, I'm fat. You're, like, actually vocalizing these things, and that encourages other people to be able to do that for themselves as well. And then your kids hear you do it, and maybe your partner gives you a compliment, and you immediately shut them down. He says, oh, you look great in that dress. And you say, no, I look fat. I still need to lose five pounds. And it's like you miss the opportunity.

That makes my stomach.

Yeah, it's a bummer. You miss the opportunity to connect. You miss the opportunity to volley back with another compliment and create romance. So catch yourself before you.

This is right. And I see the book. Right. You know what I love? Because I know you wrote your book initially. You wrote it, what, how many years ago?

Well, I finished.

I mean, the first.

The first book came out seven years ago because.

Yeah, I'm reading this, going like, I, I, we all need this women with our self talk. And I'm sitting here in my office because my staff, you know, I tried to flip it around, too. I'm like, oh, that's so dumb. I'm not stupid. I love myself, but I love myself. And I love you. So I catch myself. But I do it in a funny way. Like, I mean, not in a funny, with a little.

No, it can be funny.

These pants are tight. No, I don't think I'm fat. You. I love my body like I do because I'm so conscious of it. But most. But it's silly even. But it's. It works because it's like, I.

It does work perfect.

We all go through this as women and guys, I just think, you know, I don't know, they have their own self. They keep it inside. Like, this guy was dating is like, you are just. He's like, I've got the same monologue, but you just externalize it and then.

You let it out.

We do. So what about men, though? Like, how is your husband? Or how can men support women in this Journey. You think, like, about this negative stuff that we do or, like, supporting them in their. Or can they. Do you think that women have to be the ones who are like, this is my masturbation time. Do not come in. This is what I'm doing. How much is this a partner thing? And how much is this about women giving love to themselves?

Yeah. Okay, so the book is like. That's a great question. The book is like 50% self work and solo work and about 50% couples work. And I think that the key is asking your partner for the exact specific support that you need. So, like, do you actually need more help with the kids on Saturdays from 1 till 4? And then you just say, would you watch the kids on Saturday from 1 till 4? And miraculously your man says, yes. And I think what happens is that women feel we have to do it all ourselves or we feel we don't deserve the help because maybe he's bringing in all the money and we're. We've chosen to raise the family as our, you know, as our job. So you stop asking for help.

Or I feel guilt too, the mom guilt.

Or you've become a perfectionist and if it's not done your way, you don't want it done. And so then it's like it becomes this weird resistance of help. You gotta scratch it.

And six months have gone by and you haven't seen your friends, you haven't left the house totally.

And you're resentful and you're blaming it on him, but you actually haven't asked for help. So it's kind of you think you.

Have in your head because maybe one time you sort of did, but really you made a million reasons why you shouldn't ask for the Saturday.

Exactly. So you just kind of think about, okay, what are the areas I need help with? What are the specific requests I can make? And then you say, would you or will you not? Could you or can you? And it's this really simple communication. It's this amazing little communication tool. It was by John Gray, the Men of Mars. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. And it's a really simple thing. So if you say, can you take out the garbage? It stinks. He's like, well, I can. I'm capable. Why are you coming at me like that? In his mind, that's what he thinks. So he might do it, but he's not. It's not an invitation. Would you take out the garbage for me? Is an invitation for him to help you. It's like, I Get that. I can do that. That'll make her happy.

Right.

And it's a really, really simple shift.

So subtle and so good.

And it works. I. After I read that tool, I had no idea how much I was marching around with. Could you. And I kind of took a day to track. Am I really saying, can you do this? Could you. Couldn't you just. It's ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

You never. That's the blaming, right.

And I thought, okay, great, I'm gonna try.

Would you.

And will you. And it worked like a charm. I do it all the time. I get the help I need. And it. Also practicing that communication tool in your relationship. You start to practice it with colleagues at work.

Oh, I see.

Your friends. And you start getting what you need.

Would you. Will you.

It's so simple.

Could you. Can you.

I think that's so simple.

Brilliant.

And it works with, you know, domestic tasks. It also works when you need appreciation and recognition. Would you tell me when you think I'm. I've done a great job with the kids. Would you tell me if you like the dinner I cooked for you? It's okay.

Would you tell me that you think I look sexy when you open the door? If you think it, tell me.

That's right.

Whatever.

And you know what? Some people just need to be prompted. People say, oh, why should I have to ask for that? Well, does it matter if you get it? How you get. It's like, it doesn't matter if you have another.

Exactly. I hear that all the time. You're like, well, no, he should just know. Our partners are not mind readers.

Exactly.

They're not gonna know. And it works. And you might have to tell him more than once.

Absolutely. I don't care if I have to tell him every time. If I get it, if I get what I need. And I want him to tell me what he needs too. Like, it goes both ways.

And he's learned from you then as well?

Yeah, like my husband. He's like a master communicator. I've learned so much from him. And. And a lot of that's in the book. Like, I'm just gonna give Charlie Meyers. I'm giving you the props that you deserve.

Together, yes. You built an empire and you've children. Yeah. Yeah. That's amazing to me. It's cool. Well, let's talk about. You talk a lot about resentment. I know we just sort of touched on that. But how they can be so poisonous. There's actually a quote from your book, which. From Nelson Mandela Yes. As Nelson Mandela said, resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.

Yeah, totally.

It's such a good quote. So we walk around, we don't even know what it is.

It's festering, it's simmering.

Telling them and we're not. It's killing us.

It's so unhealthy. It's such a terrible feeling, the resentment and, and, and something that Charlie and I do. We actually have like a little resentment check in like once a week or once a month, depending on what's going on in our lives, where we just sit down and say, like, I'm feeling that you're resenting me because of this, or I'm feeling resentment towards you because. And it can be stupid stuff, but it's the act of airing it out and being heard by the other person. And so then you can just soften it, let it go. You give the other person the opportunity to right the wrong, if there is a wrong there. Or just actually work it out and say, you know, look, I resented you, whatever it is, because you're traveling more than I am and I feel stuck at home with the kids.

Yeah. Nothing they're doing wrong, I guess I resent you and it. Just letting him know.

Yeah. And then it gives him the opportunity to say, well, hey, go.

Okay.

Go take a trip. I'll watch the kids. Or to say, I hear you. I can't change it right now, but I hear you. How else can I help you? So it's again, it all comes down to communication.

It really does.

And not keeping it inside.

Right. And I think that people think they don't have time for it. I think you could even schedule in your 15 minute communication on Sunday nights before you have dinner.

Absolutely.

Whatever works. Because you realize that also just like scheduling sex, which I've talked about a lot on the show. I used to think that seemed like the worst idea ever. I love it. It's another thing on your calendar. Like, oh, great. But it's so much. Because then you know you're gonna get.

It done and you can build anticipation for it.

Yeah.

You can pick out an outfit for it. You can prep yourself. You know, you can take a bath for 15 minutes. To transition from a busy day into a more sensual state of being.

We're gonna give a quick shout out to our sponsors. I'm gonna be back with Dana Myers and the Mommy Mojo Makeover.

Okay. I'm back with Dana Meyers from the mommy mojo makeover. 20 tools to reclaim yourself and reignite Your relationship. So, Dana, what I'm excited is. Well, first we're going to get on some Instagram live right now. Hi, everyone. I'm here with Dana Meyers and we are talking about the mommy mojo makeover. How do you get your sexy back when you become a mom? And even honestly, just as a busy woman who runs a business, who has a life, how do we keep sex top of mind? How do we get turned on for sex? We know that men and women get turned on very differently. Yes. And I think for women it can be challenging because we're like, well, why did I just get turned on when my partner walked in the door? Or I don't think about sex as much. And I love that you have such great tools for women to keep sex top of mind. And to my Instagram peeps, ask me any questions at all, we will answer them. We will help you have better sex today. It's all happening. It's all happening.

It's all happening here.

Okay, so how do we like. Yeah.

Okay, so most moms and women, I think, go about their busy days thinking about everything but sex. What errand is next? What do I need to do? Why are my thighs rubbing together? You know, all these racing thoughts. And so I always say, imagine if, you know, if you put even an iota of the time that you spend thinking about other things, about your kids, about work, about your to do list. If you put that towards sex, your libido would naturally rise. So the favorite tool that I have from the book is just looking for visual and mental stimulation in your daily life. So the example that I love the most is when I'm at the grocery store. I tend to linger in the produce department. Right. The carrots are my favorite vegetable. And I'm sort of staring at them as they're looking all glistening and long and strong or thick and wide and they're getting stiff. Some are hairy, some are a little nubby, you know, And I think it's not that I'm fantasizing about using that carrot as a sex toy, because you.

Should not do that. No, no.

But I'm imagining a long, strong, glistening, you know, penis. Penis, or it's an eggplant or it's something that looks phallic. And I'm thinking, how can I use this regular aspect of my day to day life, but make it more sensual? How can I let that inspire a sensual fantasy? So suddenly I'm thinking about sex with a beautiful, sexy man with this long.

Carrot between his legs.

Carrot. You know, and I'M riding the carrot and I'm loving the carrot.

So it triggers you to start thinking about sex when you're at Whole Foods or wherever you're at.

I try to think about sex as much as I can. So it's become this practice that is now just a go to. It's just natural.

You link that up with.

That's right. I am looking for the sexy in basically anything and everything. So maybe I'm walking down the street and there's a flower shop and I look in the window and there's a beautiful orchid. And you know, flowers really look like female body parts.

They're the Volvo.

Right. It's gorgeous. And so maybe looking at that flower blooming, I think about my own flower blooming at the touch of a lover. Or if I'm scrolling through Facebook and I see an ex boyfriend, that the sex was great, but the long term potential was not great. But like I allow myself to fantasize about that amazing sex that we had.

Yeah, good for you. Because. Okay. Dana is in a healthy, healthy marriage. 13 year marriage.

Long term.

Like long term. Even longer than that, maybe.

We've been together for 15 years.

15 years. And they work together, they play together. And also like, it's okay to have fantasies about someone other than your partner.

Yes. Like that's.

It's all fuel for the same fire. And that is your erotic energy, your libido.

That's right.

For women, it just doesn't get fueled as easily. I get it. Sometimes it does. Early in a relationship it does. But we all have to work on it.

So I call that looking fondled.

Kumquats. What are kumquats? Oh, they're those little. They're not a kumquat.

Little kumquats.

But they're not really erotic. I just want to say kumquat.

Okay. The name is erotic kumquat.

It's a kumquat. Yeah, I.

You know the thing that you only have to remember one simple phrase, and that is sensual inputs.

Right.

The more sensual inputs we see that we can look for in our daily life. At the grocery store, on the street, in a magazine. You see a hot celebrity fantasize about it.

Think about their lips all over your body.

Healthy skin feels like under your fingertips. More sensual inputs is going to equal more sensual output. You're gonna raise your sexual energy. It's so simple. And you don't have to change anything about your life. And you don't have to change a single thing. You just have to shift your Mindset to start seeing the sexy that already exists.

I love this.

You just have to look. Look for it.

I love the idea about women that just women giving themselves permission that this should be part of a practice. Because the thing is, we spend so much time, you know, on our health or what we eat or our workout routines or making sure the kids are happy and works great, and sex is just something think should just fall into place without effort, right? Effortlessly, we are sexy and into. Into whatever our partner. It's like there's like, life happening. Women, we don't work like that. So just any tools, you know, fantasy, erotica, all of that, just shifting your.

Mindset to integrate sensuality into your daily life. That in itself is how else do.

We integrate sensuality into our daily life? Oh, we could take a question, though, too. All right, we've got a question. So the question is, what do we mean by affirmations?

Yeah, sure. Well, I think as it relates to body confidence, if you are always saying negative things about your cellulite or your belly, it's basically just taking that negative self talk and coming up with something positive. So if you're constantly saying, my ass is so fat, I hate it, it's standing in front of the mirror, putting your hands on your butt and saying, you are beautiful, you are thick, you are juicy, and you are deserving of pleasure.

You are. I'm deserving of pleasure. Like, keep saying things like that. I'm deserving of pleasure. I'm deserving of ecstasy, I'm deserving of orgasms aplenty.

All of that. So you can do affirmations about your body. You can do affirmations about deserving pleasure. I think for many women, just giving yourself permission to embody your sensuality, you can just look in the mirror and say, I am a sensual woman. And that alone is a very powerful affirmation. That's it.

Why is it so hard for women, you think, to love ourselves, to appreciate ourselves, and to realize that we deserve all the pleasure in the world.

It's such a challenge.

And it gets harder.

America in general doesn't celebrate sexuality as a normal part of life, as maybe some European countries do, you know? So we grow up thinking sex is dirty or it's private. It's so private. I'm not gonna talk about this with my friends. And then there's like, the girls like me and you who were like, hey.

We talk about it to anybody who will listen. Don't you still love it? We both been in this business for 13 years, and it's like, however I can help people wherever I go. Like, yes, ask me any sex question you want. I will tell you how to think about this and how to that masturbation is just for women especially. Like, make it. Make it your practice. Love yourself, Love your body, sensuality. If anyone has any questions on Instagram Live, I'm here with Dana Myers and talking about her book and about resentments and finding pleasure in the everyday. Can we talk about fantasy for a minute? About, like, you say, like, watching porn or reading erotica? Is there anything that you've discovered lately that I don't know, that's been the kind of a new twist since you've. I don't know anything new that well. Okay.

Just, like, super top line. What comes to mind is that I do love lingerie, and of course, I love expensive lingerie, but I also love really cheap lingerie. There's something that's really fun about lingerie that comes on and it's off in three minutes, but it's raunchy and sexy. So, like, a simple tip to heat things up is a fishnet bodysuit, right?

Oh, it's so easy. It's so easy to throw it on.

You can rip it off. It feel, you know, it feels interesting on the skin. It's very visually exciting for your partner. And it basically costs nothing, Right?

Like, we used to go to these trade shows where they had these, right? They. I have a drawer full of this stuff, and it's fun.

It is fun.

I gotta dig out the fishnets. Yes. Oh, my gosh.

Bodysuits are great and really easy. Like, if you're saying, you know, I kind of want to spice it up, but I'm not sure how to or I don't want to go as extreme as any kind of, like, BDSM stuff. Just get a sexy little fishnet bodysuit.

And put on some heels.

That's it.

I love leaving him on during sex.

He's.

Rip it off.

Yes.

Okay. That's great advice. Yes, Great question. Okay, how do we feel about.

How much time do you have? Okay. How do we feel about monogamy and polyamory? Open relationships? Dana, you go. How do you feel? Okay.

So for me, personally, I am super committed to monogamy. I just think that I've got these two beautiful children, I've got an amazing husband. We've got this family unit. We're both committed to keeping our sex life really fresh and interesting. And on a personal level, I just don't want to mess with it.

Right.

I feel so Blessed and so grateful that going outside for, you know, sexual excitement, it just scares me that I could break the goodness that I. That we've created.

Right.

I'm fascinated by open relationships.

Right.

I'm fascinated by it. But I can't for the life of me figure out, for you, it could work.

Right? For me. For you, yeah. Right.

What about your thoughts?

Well, my thoughts are. I've always been sort of. I personally think that monogamy works for so many people. It's the one model that we see, like, we literally have no other options, like, till death do his part.

But I don't think it's natural.

It's not natural.

It's not natural.

So I think that this is such a great question because I believe that we are in this time now of alternative relationships. And you have to practice this rigorous honesty, which I wish a lot of people in monogamous relationships would practice. And so non monogamy works for many people. And giving yourself permission to define whatever kind of relationship you want, that there are no rules except for being super honest. And that we think the reason why people think they could never do it non monogamy, because, like, well, I would be so jealous. Or people get jealous of monogamous relationships. People have challenges, monogamy. So I think that in a non monogamous relationship, you just, you just talk about it and you're like, wow, that might make me jealous. Or I was feeling jealous and this is how I feel about it. And you can kind of transcend. It transcends the jealousy. But you need to just lay out the rules and talk about with the partner. And I know couples who just, for example, they've been married for a long time, but every summer they. Their kids are at camp and they take off and they each like, do their own thing. Don't ask, don't tell.

It's fascinating.

I know couples who, like, they have a third partner that they see every two weeks or they share a Google calendar of all the people they sleep with and they still are together. There's a lot of different iterations of it that I think that are available now. I love Tristan Taormino's book called Opening up, if you're interested in it. Hi, Tristan. Happy birthday. I think it was yesterday. If you're listening to this, I think that there's just a lot of great tools out there and resources and that this is the time, if you're looking at it, to kind of venture into that territory. But you gotta be a great communicator.

It is A fascinating time because we are seeing so much more openness in telling stories about open relationships and exploring polyamory. I think for me, I couldn't cope if Charlie fell in love with someone El. I just couldn't.

Right.

I just love him too much, and I love his love so much. I couldn't cope with it personally.

No, I get it. And it's not for everybody. I've realized, yeah.

Do I want to have sex with other people? Of course I do. I just fantasize about it. I just fantasize about it, and then I channel that into the hot sex that we have.

See, this is what I love. So when you look at all the cheating and everything, a lot of marriage, I mean, I'm so anti cheating. I'm more pro, like, open relationship. If you think you want to cheat, I say no, go. Turn it towards your partner. So no deceit. So what I love about Dana's book and what we talk about on the show a lot is that you. If you're feeling like, but I'm gonna have an affair with my coworker just once. It's okay. No, no. Take all that energy you're feeling towards this person that will probably mess up your relationship and turn it towards your.

Partner, which is what you did.

Channel it towards your partner. You can bring back that spark. You can bring, and it could go to the next level. Once you practice communication and fantasy gets.

Deeper and richer, better and hotter, for sure.

It gets so much hotter. I'm telling you, communication and getting hot and saying those things that you think you cannot say and makes your relationship so much hotter.

And trying new things. Always trying new things.

Always try new things.

Oh, yes. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Question. Okay.

Want to repeat the question?

Yeah, you can repeat it if you want.

Well, it was about pcos. Yeah. Okay, so the best.

Polycystic ovary syndrome. Do you have any?

I have an amazing solution. Elisa Viti, her book Woman Code. It's like a number one bestseller. She's amazing. Her Instagram, I think, is Flo Living. Flo Living. She is the number one resource on all things, period. She overcame PCOS herself. She now has a baby. She manages everything through nutrition and healthy lifestyle. She's incredible.

Elisa. And I've heard Elisa bt Great. We got that for you. There you go. We are just chock full. Okay, guys, I think we're gonna sign off. Bye, everyone on Instagram. Thank you. Check out Dana. Bye. Okay, Dana, help me answer some emails here from the listeners. Thanks, everyone, for emailing me. I love hearing from you. You can always email me via the website, clicking on the Ask Emily tab. Email me feedbackexwithemily.com Also, please always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. This is from Nicole. She's 25, in Oregon. Okay.

Hi, Nicole.

Hi, Nicole. Hey, Emily. I know you've answered questions about mismatched libido's punny time, but I feel like I've tried so many tactics and nothing has worked. So I was hoping maybe you'd have a suggestion I haven't thought of. My boyfriend's 29. We've been together for two years, and our sex life used to be incredibly hot and frequent. After we move in together, the frequency dropped drastically. Once a week, if I'm lucky, we have sex only on his terms and I get shut down so much. I've talked to him about how I need more physical intimacy and try to. Every suggestion he's given me to help him get in the mood, sexy lingerie, sexy photos, initiating foreplay, etc. Nothing has worked for more than a week. He chalks up to stress, but I'm worried it's something more than that. I've suggested therapy and it was immediately turned down. All of this has created a lot of resentment in me and I wonder if I can spend the rest of my life with this kind of sex life. I love my boyfriend so deeply, I truly believe he's the one for me. And the only rockiness is because of the sex issue. And I want us to resolve this issue. I think we won't make it otherwise. Please help Emily. Okay, sweetie. I hear what you're saying here. Dana, I'm glad you're here for this too, because I think there's actually a few things going on here. Sex is so important in your relationship. You're right. If the sex keeps going on this way, I wouldn't be happy either. Okay, let's see. They've been together for two years, living together, and the fact that you've suggested all these things and he's not listening, and either one, he's really, really stressed. Because you know this too. When men are stressed, they're worried about money or a job, sex goes out the window.

That's right. It really does.

Right.

It's hard to understand that it is. We think, oh, well, men should just want sex all the time.

Yeah. Don't you see what's in front of you? Because God is here.

But it really does. It does take a hit when men feel very stressed. That's True.

So if that is the case, if he is really stressed, that is a thing. But that also the fact that therapy was immediately turned out. Because I think this needs some therapy if you guys are really gonna make this work. What are your thoughts from reading this? Because I think immediately turned out, I get. Cause some people don't love therapy and you gotta talk them into it. But it seems like he's like, no, no, no here.

Well, and her feeling sexually rejected is quite tough. Because when you get rejected and you get shut down, then you feel bad for asking, right? You feel lesser. You feel. You start to doubt your own attractiveness and desirability. And so this seems kind of like a bit of a difficult one. I just want to look and see. So you, you say you've talked to him about how you need more physical intimacy and tried every suggestion he's given you to help him get in the mood. So he says, okay, you're saying you need more physical intimacy. And he's saying, well, put lingerie on, do sexy photos. He wants you to initiate. You say you've tried, but nothing works. I'm wondering, you're saying you need more physical intimacy. Does that mean outside of the bedroom? Maybe starting outside of the bedroom and connecting intimately there.

I think you're right. Physical intimacy is huge. Just holding hands, cuddling on the couch.

Maybe practicing some touch without expectation. So I call it a touch point. Maybe every Tuesday night you have a touch point. You sit on the couch together, you play some music and you just touch without the expectation it's gonna go anywhere for either party. Cause maybe he's feeling pressure that you know you want more sex. He's feeling more pressure. He's feeling. It's one more thing he needs to do. Maybe just connecting on the couch and touching and kissing might take the pressure off for you both. But if you're wondering whether or not you can spend the rest of your life with this kind of sex life, I think that's a really valid thing to look at.

And the thing that triggered me in here is when you just reread this, Dana was, you're talking all the things that he needs. I wanna know what turned you on, sister. Like I wanna know, Nicole. Cause you might not know. I'm telling you, it could take a life thing, it's a lifetime thing. Because we change is what turns us on. So how much time have you spent, Nic, like figuring out what really turned you on? And the self love and doing the masturbation. A lot of the techniques that we've talked about on the show and also that are in Dana's book. Because once you become really in touch with your body, you haven't mentioned how much time, like how much pleasure you get out of sex. You might just be exuding this energy in. We didn't even talk about this. About how when you're like walking around as a turned on woman or as a woman who's getting all your pleasure, you just exude that he might not be able to help but to want to see that in you. And you might be realizing that you have some needs that need to be met as well.

That's right.

Not just because he wants wants sexy lingerie. It's not working sexy this. Maybe he's just grabbing at straws because he's so stressed in just naming what he's heard. Works. And either you go in with what you figured out, the two of you co create together. That's right. What is your new what's your turn on formula?

That's right. But Also, Nicole, you're 25, is that right?

Yeah, 25.

Okay. So I'm 42. I just want to tell you that at 25, you have a whole life ahead of you and marriage is a long road. So no matter how much you love him and if you do want to spend the rest of your life with him him, it's decades and decades and decades and decades and decades and decades and decades and decades and decades. And so. And so if sex is really important to you, you need to get honest with yourself about it. And if he cannot rise up and meet you and communicate about your needs and give you what you need, I would say really think about whether or not this is the relationship you want to spend the rest of your life in. Your young 25, you're young, you've still got time. If you want to break, you know, make a break here and look for someone who can really meet your needs on every level. You've got time to do it. So don't be afraid to start again.

Right, exactly.

Don't be afraid to start again. Don't settle, don't settle.

Don't settle for right. Life is too short for bad sex. And Nicole, I'd say that your sexual needs and your sexual satisfaction is just at, if not more important right now. You to want working on yourself. And I felt this way too then I remember breaking up with every person. I would end a relationship. You think, is this it? Yeah, it's either one. Is this gonna be a mistake? Will I find someone else? And guess what? You do. There's plenty of people out there. Totally. And that's great advice, Dana. Thank you very much. Okay, Nicole, keep me posted here, girl. You're on the right track. I promise. This is from Ed, 31 in Virginia. Dear Emily, a little background. I've been married to my wife for seven years, and after doing some reading and listening to your podcast, I thought it'd be fun to introduce a new toy into our sex lives. Ended up buying a WE Vibe pivot, which is the cock ring. Okay. And spilled the beans about it before it arrived, and, boy, did it backfire. She's convinced I think something is wrong when it couldn't be further from the truth. How can I recover and get her to my side? Or is it a lost cause?

Okay, thanks.

Oh, my God, Ed. Seven years, Ed. This is a lost cause.

No, you know, I. I've got, like. I. I want to say something here, okay? So people say to me, well, I don't want a toy. I don't need a toy. It means something's wrong. And this is what I say every time. Do you need a lip gloss?

Do you need it?

And people go, well, no, you don't need it, but you like it. It makes you feel good. It's something new. It changes the color. It brings sparkle to your eyes. So do you need a sex toy? No. But can it bring experience, excitement, joy, pleasure? Something new to your life?

Yeah.

So don't look at it as though something is wrong. Just tell her, hey, you don't need lipstick, but you like it. We don't need a sex toy.

But why not?

Let's use it to bring newness and excitement, something we can share together.

Which is why I love the penis ring idea, because couples can use it.

Together and explore new sensations. You know, maybe she's. Maybe she's just unfamiliar. Maybe she.

Well, that's the thing. They're not familiar. So she might be like, what? Like, I've never used a toy. You feel that I'm inadequate, that I'm not great in bed. Who knows what's going through her mind?

And what's so interesting, though, is that usually this dynamic is flipped. Usually it's the woman bringing in something and saying, I want to try something new. And it's the man's reaction. Typically, I'm just being very stereotypical.

No, no. I would say typically we hear that more often than not, but there's sometimes. There's usually a miscommunication.

So it's really interesting. Interesting to see this. I love seeing new things like this, I would just say, look, you know, you like a cool sports bra, you don't need the one with the fancy straps, but it's kind of cool. It makes you feel good and exciting and different. Well, our sex life is great, but why don't we just continue to explore it and like you said, what can we co create here?

What's possible for us in every long term relationship? And even after you guys. Six months could be long term. We're gonna need a variety, we're gonna need something different. Different sex will get stale, it will become rote, and you will want to change it up. And I say little lube sex toys. That's right. You know, doing some exercise together. Like, you know, like doing some exercise in the book planning sex. These are all little things to keep your relationship healthier. So it's not a lost cause. You guys can listen to the show together as well. I think a lot of couples, it helps them to listen to it together, to talk about your sex life. Like, this is the first thing. Edward. I don't know where you're coming from, Ed, in the sense of, was this the first time you have even tried something sexually to talk about sex with her? Like, this might be like if you guys have been together for seven years and all of a sudden you're like, a sex toy is coming. And she's like, we've never talked about our sex life and you've ordered a sex toy that's like living in your house. That's what would be a good analogy for that. Like, like you've been living your house forever and like one day like the fire engines show up with the truck. You're like, why are you. Is my house burning? No, we just want to check out. You're like, oh, you're about to take my house down. So it's like, it's startling. Yes. So there might, you might have gone from zero to 60. And so she needs to understand that it doesn't mean, oh my God, the house on fire just means like, I want to have us to have some more different kind of orgasms. Yes.

I love that perspective. I think it's tool number nine in the book. It's called let's talk about sex, baby. And it's sitting down to have this conversation together where you just talk about a couple of different questions.

The first, can you give me some from your book about that?

Okay, so the first question is, what's great about ourselves? Sex life right now? Okay. The second question is, what could be better? The third Question is, how can we co create a sex life that feels compassionate, inspiring and exciting and that's gonna last us, you know, for the rest of our lives and decades and decades.

I love it.

And so it's sort of, you know, starting with the positive. Right? What's great? What could be better? Not what do we need to fix what's wrong, but what could be better that gives you an opportunity to say, I would like to try a new sensation with a toy. And what I love about Ed is it, Ed, is that this pivot is probably designed to give her more pleasure.

Exactly. That's what it is. It's amazing. You wear the pivot during sex. It goes on your penis. You used a cock ring before. Amazing. The pivot is amazing. And the thing I love about the pivot is I also. You can use it as a clitoral toy. You can. It's a great one. It's multi purpose. So, Ed, you're on the right track. It just sounds like there has to be some of the.

You have a little conversation. Conversation. To have a conversation. Warm her up. To get her take on it.

Exactly. Good one. Okay, Ed, you got this. It's a lost cause. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

This is from Tom, 44, New York. Dear Emily, I'm in my mid-40s and happily married. I love the sex that my wife and I have when we are together. We often talk about adding another man or two. Oh my God, we both really get off on this fantasy. Oh, Tom. I love Tom. Do you have a brother? Lately I've been wanting to turn that fantasy into a reality, but I don't think my wife would actually go through with it. Do you have any advice on this topic? Thanks so much for taking the time to read my email. I have a ton of respect for what you do and how well you present your thoughts every time I listen to your show. Oh, thanks, Tom. Well, it's time to help Tom. First of all, I love that you're talking about adding a man. This is also. Let's talk about a twist here. This is not your typical threesome email.

Typical at all, usually.

So how do we get a woman in?

That's right.

So I love this.

I love this. I'm so curious to know more details what this fantasy is about. Is it he wants to watch his wife being taken by one or two other men. She wants to see him being with other men. Like, I want to know the details about this.

This is.

There's a lot of cuckolding scenarios here.

Well, just so, you know, we do have a call show. So you guys, I didn't mention. Mentioned this at the top of the show, but when you email me, we do have a box that you can check that says I'd like to be called. And that means we will get into this because this would be an example of a great one. So. So I would say, though, if you guys are talking about in fantasy, it can be really hot to continue to talk about it in fantasy. Maybe watch some, I think porn, like googling porn that has the. This scenario scenario makes it more of a reality.

Yes.

Like they're like, oh, that's how it would go down.

Or okay, so I would want. Want that element of it. But oh, wait, that's where we draw the boundary. I wouldn't want that. And so getting more clear, I would say tiptoe in the tulips on this one and yeah, explore that fantasy by watching porn. And also, if you want to take it further, I would do it virtually with, you know, a sex chat professional. Bring them in on Skype. Have a virtual threesome or foursome.

Like, bring them in looking at. Watching them on Skype.

Yeah, bring your computer into the bedroom and there's all kinds of sex chat.

Like cam.

Yep, bring in a cam. Exactly. Cam girl, cam, girl, cam boy or two. And play out these scenarios virtually before you actually bring someone into your bed. Test, test out the waters.

Test out the waters.

I love it.

You do have to test out you guys, because first of all, Tom, let me just. Kudos to you because you're way ahead of the curve here in the sense of you're really far along and that you guys are talking about your fantasies, that you're listening to the show that you're emailing and asking specifically about how to move it along. It's like super healthy, Tom.

Healthy and open. I love it. And that you love the sex that you have and you're happily married. I love this.

I want to see this in every couple because I want everyone to take their sex life just as seriously as they do every other aspect. And that's what your book does.

And there's so much juice in here to just continue fueling that positive cycle of communication. Good sex fantasy openness. But yeah, tread lightly too. Take it step by step.

Well, right? You guys have time. You know, you've been together. It's like things don't have to happen overnight. It's a process. Sometimes you have to let. You have to plant the seed. And then you think about it, because I think Also with the toy, like with Ed, like maybe she was like oh, toy. But now he's got to like kind of pedal backwards and just be like late. This is how it works. This is what it means. And then you build to it so it doesn't mean it's over.

That's right.

Sex takes time. Especially for couples who have never talked about it.

That's right. Ed, I believe in you. And Tom, you just keep it right up.

Keep going everyone. I love my listeners. They're awesome. Thank you everybody.

Great question.

Yeah, thank goodness we are. Our time here is done. Which makes me sad. You gotta come back.

I would love to everyone tell people.

Can find you in your book and everything. All your fabulous.

Okay, so you can find the Mommy Mojo makeover on Amazon. Grab a copy there and you can get into my world on@danab myers.com it's-a n a b m y e r.

S.Com it's happening to be on the show notes too on the website. Yeah. Thank you for being here.

It's so lovely, so much. I love you and your whole team.

I'm so inspired. Okay, you guys, thank you to my amazing listeners. Happy masturbation month. We can't wait to hear from you. Thank you for listening and for just being amazing. And thanks to my amazing team. Ken, Jenny, volunteer, Sarah, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackextwithemily.com.

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