More Oral Sex, Less Stalking the Ex

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by Jiu. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jaejoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super so soft, ultra quiet. And it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the hera and right now you can get 20 off the hera using code emily20@sexwithemily.com hera that's emily20 for 20 off at sex with emily.com h e r A so if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on today's show. Menace is here and we're helping you navigate your sex relationship and everything in between questions. Topics include why sleep and sex will make you happier than money ever can. How to spot a jerk. Know when to show them. Know when to fold them. Why are we stalking our exes on social media? And my top tips for oral sex. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standard. Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good. Well, you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. we have a wonderful website that you're gonna love. Cause our blogs have been killing it lately. So many interesting topics and subjects that you guys are just Gonna change your sex life and make you happier. That's what we do here, right, Menace? I'm here with Menace. It's a little reunion.

Why is it a reunion?

I haven't seen you in like six months. I know.

I haven't been around for quite a while. I've been working on the Woody show morning show for like nonstop. We're on in four cities now.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

That's amazing.

We'll talk about that later. But very, very important to me is something that I've been requesting for quite a while is food in the studio. And you have a bunch of snacks in front of me, which I'm very excited about. I have cookies, chips, bars. I love it all. And you said it's healthy too.

Okay.

Incredible.

Well, okay, so this is what happened. I know you always complain I want snacks. You know how hangry I get when I don't eat. And a sponsor who I'm obsessed with, they contacted me. Thrive Market. And it's a delivery service that has all the brands that I buy anyway. But I used to buy them a lot, a lot more expensive at like Whole Foods. But it's like you save like 50% on some of these things and it's amazing snacks. And they deliver them, so everyone's happy.

I love it.

I love that you're happy.

I've already eaten like eight cookies already.

I did too. They're like. They're like healthy Girl Scout cookies. They're amazing. So I love Thrive Market and they're a new sponsor, so. Hello, Thrive. We love you. I'll tell you more about them later, but I need to talk to you about so many things.

Yeah. What has been going on in your life?

What's happening? There's a lot. I'm going to Maui tomorrow for a retreat.

Oh, really? A retreat? What, like a spiritual retreat?

Kind of, yeah.

Are you serious?

I really am.

Are you going to realign your chakras? Chakras and.

Yes.

No.

Day two, realign your chakras. I am.

Are you gonna start wearing like copper bands and all kinds of hocus pocus type of stuff?

Crystals. I did just go to Santa Fe and I bought a bunch of crystals. Do you think that's wrong?

Yes.

Yes. There's a full moon. You put them out and you do an intention for the month.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I'm totally serious.

I mean, it's cool to go to Hawaii and like hang out with people and have fun, but. Okay, so.

But it's really cool. We had a guest on the show.

Because somebody starts talking about you, talking about your ions and all that kind of cr.

Like, it's more about. No, it's part of its Kundalini.

Break it down in science, it's absolute.

Well, that's the thing about spirituality is that you can't prove it through science.

And so I think the best part for the people that you give money to that they can't prove it.

Well, right. But who needs to? What. So what, what if it makes you feel better?

No, like, like I said, it's cool to go hang out with people and go to Hawaii and all that kind of stuff. I'm down with that.

No, it's cool. It's cool. I mean, I'll tell you more about it when I get back. I'm sort of on this retreat mission I've gone to on a few and it's. One of the guys was on my show, John Wineland, and he was on a few, I guess like a month ago. And he was just amazing. The way he spoke about masculine and feminine energy. The way I explained to you, you're gonna roll your eyes, but it was, it was just very enlightening and kind of this track I'm going on. And then I'm also doing some Kundalini yoga.

Yeah.

Five days Hawaii. I love it. So I'm leaving tomorrow. That's why I seem actually very calm right now. Perhaps for me, that's super cool.

I mean, I know people are gonna like bash me and say, oh, he's not open minded, blah, blah, blah. No, it's not. I'm not open minded. But I'm just saying, like, I don't want people just to fall into things and just automatically believe every single thing that they hear. Like, they should really research everything out before they put their whole lives into something, you know, that's.

You know me, you've known me for a long time.

Yeah, yeah. No, and you, you try all different types of things.

I do. I'm on the journey. I'm always. And I think that's what I support. Yeah, I'm a. I'm a seeker. And I always, I'm always want to be challenging myself and learning new things for myself. And then I get to share and you get the answer. I get the answer. And then it change and then you get to look for another answer. No, it just. You grow and you learn. So that'll be fun.

We'll find out what happens.

Yeah, I'll keep you posted. And then, yeah, you know, things have just been. I don't know. I had a great summer. I really did. I was sort of more introspective a lot of the time. And then I kind of have been opening up now like a whole. Things are becoming more clear in my.

Life, really opening up.

Clarity. I don't even know how to explain that. I'll explain more after Hawaii with the Crystals. How have you been?

I've been great. So the morning show that I'm on is now on in Albuquerque. And the people at Albuquerque are super cool. We're on 104.1 the Edge.

Okay.

Every single morning. And then we're on in Portland, which is awesome.

That's great.

People Portland are. It's crazy because they get like, you know, people Portlandia and all that kind of stuff. No, super cool. Yeah. We're on 102. It's hard to keep track of all.

We put it on our website, like during the show notes, you just list that where you're at and they can find you. And then you're at menace on all social media. Yeah.

And all that because you haven't been.

Around for a while. So people might be like, who?

But what I want to get into. Yeah. All this things happening and then travel. That's kind of stuff. But as I'm traveling and going to all these different events for all this stuff, I meet Sex with Emily listeners.

Yeah, you said this. And it keeps happening.

And I think I was trying to think where I was.

You mean more than I do. Because I. I guess I need to.

Go out and about, you know, you're out of man.

About town.

About.

Yeah.

And I'm sure.

Did they say anything specific?

No. But what was crazy is I believe I was either in Las Vegas, obviously, since I always talk about Vegas, or I was at the LA County Fair. It's hard. Hard to keep track. But I ran into this girl and she's like, oh, you know, I listened to your morning show, but I also listened to the Sex of Emily show with my mom. Oh, that's like, what? With your mom? She's like, yeah, my mom. Super into it. I'm into it.

I love this. Let's give her a shout out.

I'm like, I'm on the Sex with Me show once in a while and I would never listen to it with my mom.

Most people would not, but.

I know, but that's so cool that have that kind of relationship.

I love it. I mean, obviously. Yeah. I mean not everybody does with their moms. But what I love is that when people listen with their partners as well which is something we've been hearing more and more because they're like, oh, I got my boyfriend on board. Or my boyfriend told me that, like, when I've met some listeners recently, and they're like, oh, yeah, my boyfriend told me to listen. Or vice versa. And I think that for couples, because we, as we know that talking about sex is. Can be super challenging if they just kind of like, pop into sex. Family podcast, the next road trip. Yeah, we have an amazing sex. Really, really cool Next place they land. That is cool. Say hi to the people.

Yeah. So all the people that are listening, thank you so much. And I never be too shy because sometimes I'll get a tweet, like, oh, I saw you, you know, here and there. I was too shy to say hello. Don't never be shy.

I hate that too. I want people to say hi. I've gotten those tweets.

But it's so random in, like, all, like, the places I run into because.

You stand, like, I'm shorter, small. Like, I feel like I can hide more. You're more like, have a. A face.

That's what they say. I mean. Well, the thing is, I wear the same thing every day. Alfani black shirts, which I have, like 900 of them.

Right.

I wear this. I've had the same look for, like, 10 years.

Yeah, it's pretty easy to spot me right? In the glasses.

And the glasses.

You haven't changed up the glasses in a while, though, haven't. No.

So I just. I kind of just stick with the same look, so it's. Yeah, it's way easier.

Yeah, I'm a chick. I gotta change. I gotta switch it up. But okay. But still say hi if you see us out there.

So what's going on in your personal life? What is other than all the spiritual stuff where you wear white robes and get dipped in water?

You know what's funny? I was thinking about this. Do you remember on Misadvised, we did this reality show many years ago, Five years ago now. And my whole thing. Do you remember when it opened? It was like everyone had. There was about three single dating experts to practice what we preach. And when you're watching it, they had an opening line for each woman. And mine was, emily says yes to everything except monogamy. That was my thing. And so the part that's been interesting is my big thing on the show is, like, just say yes to everything. Say yes to whatever comes your way. And I've often given that advice on the show to listeners who are like, I Never meet anybody. I can't meet anyone. Say yes. And so what I realized is I've been going through just a really interesting summer. I think I've sort of been going through kind of like a transition. I don't even know how else to explain it more where I've been spending more time alone, kind of thinking a lot and figuring stuff out, like whiteboarding at my house and like figuring out my next steps in life, if you will.

Yeah.

And then I realized, God, I'm not really. So I hadn't. Is going to get back to your personal thing. I've met a few people, but nothing that I was like, crazy about. And I thought, well, I'm not meeting anybody. I kind of like to. And I sure enough, once again, took my own advice. I'm telling you guys, it works that I would get some random, like, invites from people that I liked enough. But I was like, tonight it's going to stay home. I'm tired. And then I was like, you know what? I'm just going to go and I'm going to say yes. And I went out to parties or to events and things I wouldn't normally. I'm like, I'll just go for half hour. And sure enough, every time I've gone, it's been like epic. I've met incredible people. I've met some nice gentlemen.

Yeah. Nice suitors.

Nice suitors. And I realize it, and this kind of goes to. Holds true for everybody out there, that it's like, like, you know, we've said this for years, that people always think they live in the worst town to date and there's no single people. I guarantee you that's not true. And I guarantee that once you just put yourself out there into the world and you're off your phone and you're not staring down, looking up, you're actually like smiling and engaging with people. Even if it's just like, you know, hi or how's your night? Whatever it is, you will meet people. And I think that we. We just don't make ourselves available with our body language, our energy, with our minds. So in my personal life. Yeah. You know, I feel like they're just. I'm just men. Just.

Yeah.

Coming down the chimney, flying around. It's great. But nothing specific to honing on right now for you.

Yeah. Nothing.

Sorry.

What? I know she just spit in my face.

But, but, but you were looking for some. Like, you were looking for like.

No, just saying, hey, there's like some guy.

No, there's not one.

There's a micropenis.

How about this? There's several micro penis. I've got a good story for you to go.

Dude, there's this. Okay, so there's this new thing. We're just joking about it this morning with the new iPhone, they have this measurement tool where it's like virtual, where you can set a dot and then let's say you want to measure a doorway, right? So you, you pin a dot on one side and then you measure it to the other side.

Okay.

And then we're like, dude, every guy on the planet is going to pin a dot at the bottom of their penis to the top of the penis, and then it's going to tell you automatically how large your penis is.

Okay?

So that's going to be the new.

Tool that everybody at the.it's like a digital dot.

Yeah, it's a digital dot. So like with the screen, you touch. Touch it with your finger and it'll put the dot. Every guy, Every guy planet's gonna do that.

Well, it's funny that you say that because the average penis is size is the iPhone 6.

Yeah, well, last time I know what the iPhone 7.

Well, I'm just saying it's interesting because there's always something about the iPhone and the penis.

Yeah. So that's gonna be the new thing.

When does that. Should I get that one? When does it come out?

Well, the iOS just came out. Well, it's out now. And then the 8. I'm waiting for the 10. I'm just gonna wait for the 10. But I need it because I'm gonna buy the 8.

I gotta measure your penis.

I know, I'm just gonna buy the eight. I'm like, ah, I should have got the 10. But you know, I know it's a thousand bucks. You don't have to pay all at once. You just add it to your bill if you want to do that.

Yeah, yeah. To take it.

Then you get iWatch. And you know what? I got a new iWatch because I, I lost mine in the desert. I was at a child scambina show, which is Donald Glover. He's the actor, but he's also a rapper and totally. So I lost it, but I just recently got a new one and I absolutely love it because the activity app, you set your goals every day. So like the past 20 days, I've actually been back in the gym finally.

Oh my God, really?

And I feel like have so much more energy.

And that's so good. That's actually, that's. I'm really Happy for you.

I feel a lot better.

Do you? Yeah, just the last few days. You went to the gym?

Yep. So I highly recommending. I mean, at least getting an iWatch or getting something like that motivates you.

Good. It's been a while since you've been on the gym track. Oh, and how much it changes everything, right?

It changes everything.

Yeah, I know. That's great, honey. I think that's really important. In fact, we were talking about that earlier that for a lot of people who email us and are having problems with, you know, whatever health, sex drive, you gotta move it around. You gotta move your body. You gotta do it. That's good.

Get the blood flow.

Get the blood flow. Okay. Well, you seem. You seem fabulous.

Thank you.

It's great to see you. And we've got some sex in the news.

All right, good. Tell me what's going on.

Okay, I want to know. It's interesting. Sleep and sex will make you happier than money ever could. You disagree?

I believe that.

I do too. Because I've had money, lost money. And it's true though. And I was thinking when I looked at this, I thought. And I do a lot of reading about being, you know, I read about business leaders, their daily routines, what makes them successful and health, you know, periodicals, whatever it is. I read the studies and what it all comes down to, whether you're in a spiritual realm or you're looking at the science behind health. There's three things and it's always your diet, exercise and sleep. And sleep is huge. And I think right now there's been so much said about the importance of sleep and getting like six, seven hours or whatever is right for you. A new study has found the top indicators of happiness. And money doesn't even hit the top five. So they found out in order of biggest influence, the top five factors that determined who was actually living well is your sleep quality, your sex life, job security, health of relatives and chatting to neighbors. So community, what do you think about that? Sleep quality is important.

Sleep quality. Yeah, I absolutely agree with that.

Because you go to bed at like 8, right?

Yeah, I go to bed at 8 every night because I have to. I wish I could stay up later and then I wish, I wish I could get up at 10am every day. But I don't, you know, I get up at 2:00am it's overrated. No, it's amazing. I just recently.

How do you get up at 2am? I know you do that.

I don't. An alarm clock. I don't want to, but I was just recently at a music festival called Kaboo in Del Mar. It's over by San Diego. And I was there for work, but I didn't really have any. Too many responsibilities. I just had to go and, like, take photos and stuff like that. So I was in this hotel, and I could get up. This is, like, been a weekend where I haven't had a weekend in maybe a year where I could just get up anytime that I wanted. And I got to sleep in till, like, 10 or 11. It was the best thing in the world.

Epic.

And then later. And then I got to stay up later. All that kind of stuff, like not having the responsibilities, like, okay, so we go over the list again. It says sleep quality. I agree. Sex life. I agree. Job security. Yes.

But here's the thing. Madness is that I think it's interesting that number two, when people having a quality sex life, that when people are. They always say, if you're in a relationship and sex isn't a problem, you're pretty happy. But the second sex becomes a problem in the relationship, it takes up, like, 90% of your issues. I know that we're all really busy, and we think we don't have time for any of these things, but when you make the time for sex, I can't tell you how many people. I was at another retreat, which I can't speak about yet, last weekend with a bunch of women who are amazing. I'm getting them a tree done, if you will. Sorry to say that out loud. People don't say that. Retreat on. I am, though. But a lot of them were saying, I understand that it's important, but I'm exhausted. I have no time. I'm tired. And then I said, well, you know what, though? But when you actually, you know, it's important to you, right? Like, yeah, I'm like, but. And when you do it, do you ever regret it? No. You know, so it's like trying to get. Change that mindset that, yes, you have no time. We. No one has time. We're all busy. But when you prioritize sex and you just say, you know what? I'm gonna do it. I'm not gonna regret it. Like, I say, it's like going to the gym, get the shoes on, you get out the door, you feel better. Just like, you feel better going to gym, having sex. Yes, it's important.

Now the question is, what do you think the number one thing is that people, they feel that they've gone to the well too many times. Is that why they. They Just get bored of having sex with each other or.

Oh, my God.

I think that's what your fear is. No, from knowing you. From ever. Like, I don't want to be with one person forever because, oh, I probably did, you know?

It's so funny. Menace. We pulled up. This is good. And I'm going to get back to that. The other day we were looking for clips and I pulled up, like, the first show I ever did from, like 12 years ago. And it was. It was pretty interesting how different. We could pull up some of those old free FM one we did on the radio. But, yeah, I probably was like, I could never. That's probably how I started. I was like, I could never have sex with one person. But I honestly think that the biggest problem isn't that for some people it is, sure. But for others is that they're just not, you know, if you don't prioritize your sex life, it's gonna wane. And it's always great at the beginning and people don't know how to talk about it because they didn't have to, and it was great. And then over time, you know, you get busy with your life and it seems like more of an effort than not. And. And so they don't even try to have sex or approve their sex life or think about what even turns them on. So I think sometimes people are like, if I just have sex, like, I don't even want him to touch me because I don't know what I want. And so that's why we spend so much time on the show, like, you know, encouraging people to explore their bodies and what makes them feel good so they can really, like, explain that to a partner. Do it with a partner. So we get that more emails than not, people are asking me, how do I spice up my relationship? It's malaise. Life takes over. You say health is so important, but I think everybody should prioritize. Exercising and sleeping. But also sexual. Like, it's like, if you don't have that and you're in a relationship, your relationship will die. And if you're telling yourself right now that, oh, it's not that important, we had enough great socks, we're done. No, it will not survive. Yeah, that's how you're feeling right now.

And it's funny, like, being in Vegas all the time and overhearing bros that are there for, you know, their bachelor parties. Like, dude, I roll. I roll my eyes so hard every. Because it's, like, typical. You hear it all the time. Dude, you could have one vagina for the rest of your life, bro. Like, game over, blah, blah. And I'm like, if you have that attitude, of course it's eventually never gonna work out, or you're like, you're gonna be bored out of your mind. You know, that happens.

And then for some people, they're like, you know what? They might not. I mean, I think that's the only model we see is monogamy. And that for many people, I think now especially they're just more open to, you know, having alternative relationships. That maybe just because the only model we see in the world is to be monogamous with one person, which I think a lot of us really struggle with that and that there are not great models for people to see. Oh, actually having an alternative relationship where we're still together, we love each other, and other people can actually work.

We always hear about these alternative relationships. I would love to hear, like, next time I'm here. I know it would take some research, but I'd love to hear what is the actual percentage out there that are in these relationships that actually work?

Oh, my God. More.

I'm telling you, I know in like.

No, you're thinking my circle.

Circle and all that.

Let me tell you, changing. I don't have the percent.

I'm telling you, you don't have to be offended. I'm just asking. I'm just asking, like, I would love to hear, like a overall, like, mass survey on how I know people who.

Are really healthy alternate. I couldn't tell you the percentage.

I absolutely believe you know people, but I just know.

And it's not like they're all like, create. They're people that you know too, that you would never. I believe. I know, I know. That's why you know people that you would never think that's why they're actually open relationships. And I'm telling you, these people that I know, listen, relationships are hard. If you're in a monogamous relationship, you're an open relationship, you're going to have struggles. Friendships are hard. You know, you're hard. You and I could have challenges in our life, but the thing that people who are in these open relationships is that they actually are talking about things in a really different way. They're really honest. They're like, you know what? I love you and I want to be with you as my primary partner, but I think it'd be cool to sleep with somebody else, and I'd like to try that. What do you think? And they talk about it and they think they could never talk about it. And when they do, many times they find, oh, my God, my partner was open to it. And they're receptive and they're honest. They're like, well, I'd be cool with you if we just invited another woman in. You know, okay, well, let's do that. Or if we both sleep with separate people, but we don't talk about it. I mean, you get to make up your own rules, whereas monogamy, you don't get to make up anything. And most people are stuck with this way of being that does not work for them. So to answer your question, who's happy, who's not? There's struggles. But I believe that people who have made it work in alternative relationships and practice a kind of a rigorous honesty that other people couldn't handle it. They think that they would never be able to be that truthful with their partner. When the truth is, I think that people realize, wow, I never thought I could say that. And we got so much closer. Even if it's not opening it up, up. But they're like, honey, I've been wanting to. It could be try a sex toy. And, like, I've been wanting. Talking about this for 10 years, and I thought it'd be upset. And they realize, like, oh, my God, our sex life, it could just be little things that you talk about with your partner that makes your life better.

But I think money, people like to say that money is not a factor. Right. I was just talking to one of my co workers, and she was just saying, like, I hate when people say that money doesn't bring happiness. Because she goes, literally, money could probably fix 90% of my problems. Well, okay, if you look at it, there's a.

No.

You could pay someone, anybody that says that it's complete bullshit. But all that stuff, I would say.

They'Re not saying that money will make you happy. They're saying this is what ranks higher.

On people's list, on their personal list. I think actually number one should be health. Because if you don't have health, everything.

But health isn't even on it, because health is such an umbrella term. So they're saying, sleep quality, sex life. How's your sex life?

Sex life's great.

Okay. Love that.

Job security.

You have great job security. Health of close relatives. My relatives are close. And then chatting. But here's the thing. Chatting to neighbors. And this is the other thing that was missing from my life, is that community. So it's really about. Since I moved from San Francisco, I hadn't really invested enough time, like making new friends, because, you know, I had like a zillion friends there that I love, and they were like my chosen family, if you will. And so doing that here. And I think all these things really make you happy. So if you're stressing. And I'm gonna say that if all these things are in your life and they're solid and making you happy, you probably will make more money just because you're able to. You're happier. When you're happier, I think you can generate.

I don't talk to any of my neighbors.

Well, it's not even neighbor. I think what they mean there is community.

Yeah, I mean, like all my friends.

Right.

All my coworkers everywhere, my co workers. The other thing I want to say.

Tell me.

Okay, absolutely. Your friends and family. Health is great. But my friend Woody, he says the same thing. He goes. And then he says that his mom taught him this, that all that stuff that we just listed does not matter unless you have health. You know, health should be your number one focus. It doesn't matter how much money you have or how much sex you're getting or how much sleep you're getting. If you don't have health, it doesn't mean shit. Meaning, like, no.

It'S true, though.

You're dying. Like, you can have all the money in the world. Look at Steve Jobs, you know?

No, it's true.

Money didn't save him.

It's true. But they're saying this is what determined their happiness. I mean, of course, help my mom always that too. She said, your mental health, your physical health, if you don't have that, you don't have anything. It's true. That's true. But this is what people reported made them happy. So everyone just. They aren't. Dude. Okay.

I look cool on surveys. What do you think people ever are super honest on surveys?

Why would they lie about what's making them happy?

8,000 people filled this out and they're in. In Great Britain. They're very serious there. Okay.

I mean, if it's from Bryn, then I believe.

Okay. Okay. You know what, you know, we're gonna do? We're gonna talk to our sponsors because I love them. Oh, okay. We're do it right now.

Emails.

All right.

Because you love emails. Okay. If you have a question you want me to answer on the show that's amazing, text me ask Emily one word to 797-979. And when you text Ask Emily to that number, you'll get a link. And then in that Link. You open it up, you send an email. It's great. You can also go to the website sex with emily.com via the Ask Emily tab. And as always, include your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Hi Emily, I'm seeking some advice and would love your perspective. My boyfriend and I have an amazing relationship. We bought a house together and have great plans for the future. We work really well as a team and enjoy adventuring life together. He is sexually more experienced than I am and is way more comfortable sexually. He's expressed a desire to take our sex game up a few notches. This is how I found your podcast. I like to do my homework. I've been putting in tons of effort. I've been masturbating and we even went to a sex club together and had a great time with all the effort I've been putting into expanding my sexual knowledge and confidence. He recently said that our sex life doesn't excite him. Him. He still sees sex as a chore.

Oh, no.

This breaks me down because I've been trying so hard. He told me he's made the decision to work through the boring sex to create a future with me. On one hand, I'm reassured, but I also think this could be setting us up for disaster as the years go on. What are your thoughts? How can I continue to up my sex game? And any tips for dirty talk? Perhaps that will help a bit. Thanks so much. Alison, 31, Oregon okay, Allison, this upset me. This. When you say a disaster, this is already disaster. If you stay with him, I. You are doing nothing wrong. I love that you're going above and beyond for the relationship.

I'm wiping some chocolate off your face.

This is the problem with the eating cookies. Okay, so he's being emotionally abusive. He's like, thanks, babe, for trying all this stuff. That's cool. You're trying stuff, but I guess I'll just marry you anyway and endure the boring sex now.

Immediately when I heard this, I thought, is this guy just playing mind games?

Yeah, something he's like.

I mean, to use that as. Yeah, yeah. To get her to try more. To get more crazy with him in bed. Possibly like a power trip type thing.

It might be he's got some kind of.

Maybe he's like, kind. He's not being honest on. Like, like, maybe the sex is really good, but this is like a power move that he's learned, you know, gain control.

I don't want to spend any time any more time analyzing him. His psychological problems. Because, Allison, I'm gonna be harsh here, and I'm not often super harsh. Is that all of this just. It just made me cringe. And in my office, we all read it, too, because we put the show together, and, like, oh, this guy. I mean, seriously, this makes me so sad because you just sound. You're. You're so earnest. You really love him. I get it. And you're trying to. And you're not exciting him. And guess what, sweetie? This is not about you. This is about him. And I don't care. You know, and you asked me for, like, you know, dirty talk, which breaks my heart. You're like, what else could I do? Like a sex game, dirty talk. No, no, sweetie. This is about your partner, and he's not happy with himself. He's not happy with his life. This is actually a mirror, I think, unto him, his own self, and he's thinking, well, I can blame Allison to make me happier because I'm not happy. Because even if you. Let's just say he's. Let's say the sex still is not up to his standards. The way he is talking to you is just disrespectful and emotionally abusive. And you know what, Allison? You're awesome. And I want you to know that it could be some kind of mind games he's playing. But what I want, Allison, is I don't want his words to stick with you as you carry it into your next relationship. Because a lot of times partners can be this abusive, and we're just like, oh, I'm not worthy. I'm not good enough. I'm not good in bed. And I guarantee you that none of this is true, and it's about your guy. And I just feel very comfortable saying that.

And, yeah, I believe that something's going on with him. Definitely.

Maybe you could let him know that or turn it back on him. Because I know I say these things. I'm not thinking you're gonna break up with him tomorrow, but if you still love him and you want to work with it, I suggest some therapy. Or I suggest you getting really honest with him about what's going on. Because if you peel back the layers, I'm sure he's got some struggles of his own. And this is not about you. Yeah, because any guy would be sick that you're trying. Confidence. Yeah. Like, and, you know, maybe his job's not going well, because typically when men are more, like, depressed or feeling unstable, it's typically, like, when things just aren't going as well with that for Them, like financially or work wise or. I don't know what's going on, but I don't think this is about you. Because the fact that you're even making the effort, Allison, to try, you should be rewarded for that and not constantly beaten down. Dear Emily, currently my love is incarcerated for the next six to nine months. Sweet. She made a major mistake and is serving her time. We've been together for about a year now, and I've been faithful. However, this is the longest I've gone without sex in my adult life. And I'm starting to look elsewhere in my head. Is it cheating if I look for some release outside the relationship? Thank you. CJ. 34, West Virginia.

I mean, CJ, come on, man. Well, she.

He.

I don't know. CJ could be either.

Yeah.

Your partner is locked up for only six or nine months. That is not an insane amount of time. I can understand if it was like, six, nine years.

I don't know, though, dude. I mean, that's one if.

I mean, if this is somebody that you're loving this, you know, this is somebody you're with, like, you can wait it out six or nine months before you start looking for somebody else to hook up with. That's absolutely ridiculous.

Okay, but they've been together only, like, for a year total. How long has she. Yeah, okay. They've been together for a year, and she's now incarcerated. Okay, but here's the tough thing. They can't have connection. They can't have phone sex. They can't do FaceTime, the whole thing. And you made a commitment to her that you were gonna stay with her, you know, before she left for prison. And. But I also think, like, you'd be allowed to change your mind and talk to her. What if. Listen, he's 34. They've been together a year. Who knows if it's like a year when she left or now it's a year and she's been gone for a few months. But I feel like if you really love her and you're like, that would be against it. I think that it's. Yes, it is normal and healthy that you would be thinking about having sex with someone else. That's what probably any person would do. A man or a woman. I get that. And you obviously don't have to act on it. You can say, this will pass, and I don't suggest that you do act on it without perhaps, like, letting her know when you get what, you think that's wrong.

Sure, she'll love it.

No, she Won't love it. But I'm saying that's like for a year they're together at 34, she's gone. I don't know. Like, I feel. See if it continues too. Like, I don't know if she just left last week and you miss her or, you know, if you can just keep busy doing other things. But I think if you made the commitment not to cheat, you will feel bad if you do. But if things start to change and you feel like you need to.

What if I'm with some. If I'm with a girl that's in prison for six or nine months, there's no way in hell that I'm gonna go out and cheat on her or hook up with somebody.

Orange is the New Black is that.

Person is gonna get out of jail.

Right. Okay.

I'm just saying, something you gotta deal with. They're gonna hear about it. That's gonna be so, like, unnecessary drama. Yes. You can be completely honest with them.

Until you could be honest. Or you could just say, you know what, it's normal. I mean, because you're asking me.

You can be honest with them and see how that goes. But definitely do not do it behind their back. Either way, I think you should wait it out. I mean, that's my personal opinion. I mean, there's self pleasure. You can go.

You can buy a flashlight. You can buy some prostate toys.

Well, we don't know if it's a women's or if it's a woman or a guy. C.J. could be.

Oh, you're right. I see what you're saying. Okay.

But I'm just saying. So, yeah, you can go sexemily.com and find something to take care of yourself.

That's so true.

To nine months.

Yeah, you could do that, too. You're right. I guess I feel like I don't know how strong the agreement was if the partner's really going to get out in the next six, nine months, you know, we don't know. But yes, it is cheating if you look for release outside the relationship without. Because they answer your question. The question is, is it cheating? It is cheating.

Oh, and then when your partner gets out, please have them email a good spread recipe for me. That'd be great. You know what spread is? It's like a. It's a prison cuisine. And there's so many different kinds of combinations.

Oh, yeah. Good. Yeah. Be in touch with menace. Menace is your issue.

Yes. Google spread.

Okay.

Prison spread.

All right, ready? Another email.

Yes.

Dear Emily, I'm a faithful Listener for almost two years. I love you and the crew, including Medicine Anderson, my boyfriend. I've been together for three and a half years. We have a good relationship, healthy sex life, and our communication has gotten so much better over the years thanks to your show. I was sitting next to him the other day and he went to search something on Instagram. In the recent search history, I saw an ex fling as well as another girl he went to high school with. This sucked to me, and it may sound stupid, but my feelings were hurt. Should I care or be concerned here? I tried not to freak, but I did say something. I trust him, but I just want your opinion here. Should I let this go? Need some advice from the pro? Love you. Thanks in advance. Shannon, 27, California. Shannon. Yeah. Dude. Okay.

I have an opinion as well.

You do? Yeah. Of course you do. I think that this is what. I think. Everyone's searching for stuff, like looking up their exes on Instagram, on Facebook.

That's what I was gonna say. Every guy on the planet does the exact, exact same thing. And when they say they don't, they are lying to you. But at the same time, who cares if they're not having communication with them or, you know, going off to a hotel and hooking up with them? Who cares? I'm sure they're curious. And I'm sure you've looked up an ex online. You're 27 years old.

Yeah.

I swear to God, there's no way in hell that you have never went online and looked up an ex.

Right? Right.

We've all done.

We do it. And you know what? Exactly. We all do it. And you started out by saying he's a great boyfriend. You guys are doing well. You've never not trusted him up until now. And your relationship's gotten better because the show. So if he had a history of cheating on you, if there's been other things and this was like the last straw, then yes. But you're like, everyone does it. We search. Do you look at your exes still?

Oh, yeah. Recently. I'm not like, going out and searching for them or something, but maybe they'll, like, pop up as mutual friends or something like that. And then I'll. I'll like, look to see what the hell they're doing these days. You know, most of them have kids.

Yeah.

So.

Exactly. But you. Right. But it's not like. Exactly.

Yeah. They're like, just go way moved on.

Right. It's not even that you want to be with them. It's almost like this reflexive Reactive, like, oh, I'm just gonna look at who this part, you know, they're checking out my stuff, and it doesn't mean I necessarily want to sleep with them or be with them. But if you're with someone and they're an ex, you had a connection, whatever it was, and you just kind of like, yeah, just like I'm looking at, you know, the. The New York Fashion Week or new sex toys coming out, I'll be like, how's my ex doing? Because I want to bang them. Doesn't matter.

I know.

Okay.

I mean, again, you even like bringing that stuff up and having a communication that's kind of like just bringing up unnecessary drama for no reason.

Yeah, I agree.

This is causing problems in your relationship. For what?

Well, I think that it's good that you communicated it because it was really bothering her. Don't use this as a grounds to now distrust everything that he does, because it just takes one. One thing. And jealousy can be so insane.

I already know the answer needed where I expressed it. But would you be bothered by this at all if you're. No, no.

I was probably stalking his ex as well.

Would I be bothered by it?

No, no.

I know you're 27 years old.

I wouldn't be bothered.

You know?

Yeah, no, it's fine.

We lived longer lives than you have, so probably. Maybe if I was 27. Maybe even at 27, I probably wouldn't even care.

I don't think you had an ex. But then. Then.

No, I did. 27?

Yeah.

I don't know. I think I was dating somebody.

I've known you for so long. 23 when I met you.

Yeah, I had to be 23. Yep.

I never thought that you were that young. That's a baby.

What's I 23? I don't know. 23.

2412 years. Yeah, it's crazy. Okay, anyway, great. Thanks, Shannon.

It'll be okay, Shannon.

It'll be okay. I got your back. Hi, Emily. I've been last email. I've been hookup buddies with this guy for a few weeks and we've had sex several times recently. He sent me a text saying we could keep having sex if you get better at giving me head. Wtf? I don't think I'm great at giving a guy a blowjob, but to say something like that is so rude, especially over text. I responded back with, maybe next time you can show me how you like it. Winky face. He said he's not into that and he doesn't want to hook up. Anymore. So much for mature conversation. I feel incredibly disrespected. However, I do want to be better at oral sex, giving Mojo any simple tips you can share. Thank you, Megan. 25, Miami, Florida. Okay, first of all, why are there two incredibly, like, douchey guys in both these emails? Because I am telling you, Megan, I'm gonna say the same thing that I said earlier to Alison.

Okay? I'm sure that your blowjob skills are fine. And even if they're challenged anyway, this guy is a jerk. He did you a favor by bailing out. Who sends a freaking text? Girls are already worried about that. What?

No, I'm just thinking. I'm just like, okay, this is. This. These are obviously messages. I mean, the message like this is from somebody that you're casually hooking up with right now. I'm not shaming you. But I mean, like, people have douche meters, right? Like, they can tell when a guy or a girl is douchey. Probably like within the first 10 minutes of meeting, perhaps. Right? And then you're just tuned.

Fine tuned douche meter, maybe.

Yeah, you're just looking past that because you want to hook up with this person. And then don't be surprised when you get a rude ass message like this about.

You're saying, she should have seen it coming.

Yeah, because like, somebody that you talk with and you get to know, you're gonna know if they're gonna send a message like this or not. I'm sorry if you say that you don't, but there's absolutely some strong indicators when getting to know somebody there.

But sometimes we're attracted to the guys.

So you're looking past all that kind of stuff.

Right.

So you shouldn't be shocked when you get a message like that.

Right? Yeah, I see what you're saying, but a lot of times we just let lust take over and we don't see it. But you're right, that is true. That maybe, Megan, you've dated guys like this before. That you're like, oh, yeah, there tends to be a pattern here. You know, we often say, like when women. Women or men. Your picker's broken. You tend to keep picking the same kind of guys over and over again that don't work for you. So if you've dated another guy with similar behavior patterns or maybe he's the. It could only take one. Well, then the next. How you date if. Just make sure that, you know, he doesn't have any of those indicators that he might be a jerk because. What?

Yeah, I was saying over the years. I mean, even with you. I mean, like, I can automatically tell somebody that you're dating is a douche. But then you're like, oh, no, he's super cool. And then like, I don't know, six, seven months later and like, oh, that guy was a douche. I'm like, can you see that? I mean, this is like, you know, years and years ago, but I'm like, couldn't you see that within the first 10 minutes of meeting them that they're a douche? You know?

No, I think you were kind of blinded. Well, douche is such a. I mean, how do you. You think I was. Never dated, assholes. You think I did? You just. I just hate guys you didn't like. No, no. I don't think anyone's like, I'm dating this great douchebag. I can't wait for you to meet him. Let's get drinks together.

No, but I. You just don't.

I don't know.

There's like. I always feel like there's.

This is like.

There's always strong indicators if somebody's a crappy person or not. Like, I don't know, they just give off a vibe. I mean, maybe my, like, douche meter is really strong or something.

They might be attracted to a guy who seem. Comes off as really confident and cocky, but then when the second he flips it and turns it on you to get her into bed and to get her to give him a blowjob, he. Maybe he didn't have all of his douchiness out.

He was hiding some of his.

He was hiding. Guys who are like this, they know how to play the douche card. When he knows when to show them and when to fold them.

True, but I mean, it's like, no.

When to walk away.

Somebody is being a fake person. I don't know. Yeah, some. I. I can tell. Like, some. I'm not saying that this emailer is naive, but I guess, yeah, there's a lot of people out there that are saying naive. Like, there's. There's just strong indicators now that, you know. You know, pick up. I mean, in Miami, I'm sure there's a bunch of douches there. But learn from this situation and see, like, the next person that you. You date has the same type of vibe, and you're like, okay, you know what? I'm out of here. This is not. This is not gonna work for me.

True. Okay, so we'll do that. So, Megan, you got that right, that you did nothing wrong here and here's your other question. How do you get better at oral sex? Giving a blowjob? First, let me say this. I'm sure this guy said you're not great at it. We all, you know, can take a little work, you know, but you don't come out of the womb, you know, knowing how to give a great blowjob. I get it. It takes some experience. But just because he said this to you, I don't want you to feel him to deflate any confidence that you had thinking that you, you know, could get blow jobs. I don't want this to be a deterrent to you because sometimes it just a takes one comment from a guy or a girl telling you that you're not great in bed for some reason, you can't get past it. So I don't want you to hold on to this, Megan. And I can give you tips about. I mean, I have. God knows I've given a lot of oral sex tips over time, and I'm gonna give you some.

Probably have a thousand episodes just on thousands.

Yeah, we have a blog, several blogs on the site you can check out, which is the one that just came out, which is a lesson in oral sex history. There's steak and blowjob tips for all. It's also on our website. And I'm trying to think if I could tell you that my number one tips off the top of my head would be enthusiasm. Like, number one. I'll talk to menace here, too.

Act like you love it.

Act like you love it. Fit until you make it. And I think that you will, but I think feel like once you even get into it, like, guys want to be like, oh, why? Why is she doing this? She doesn't really want to be there. So I think being into it, being enthusiastic, making sure that you're, like, licking it, like, it's the most delicious ice cream cone you ever had. And it's, like, wet. And you can use some lube if you need to. We love Joe lube. Their flavored lube is great. You want to make sure you're applying enough pressure. It's not too soft, too hard.

You know, I think those are two main factors. Those are good enthusiasm and pressure and.

And making sure it's wet and. And also just check out our website for more tips. But really, Megan, I just want to focus on you, girl. You got this.

You're gonna be okay.

You're gonna kill the blowjob game. Okay? And I mean.

And that wasn't a blanket statement on Miami, by the way. All the guys in Miami. I'm sure there's some great ones there. I'm actually gonna go to Miami at the end of the year, so I'm excited. Check it out.

Yeah, Miami. Awesome. I used to go because, you know, Florida. I mean, Michigan. Florida.

Yeah.

We do that thing when I live.

That's your Hawaii. That's exactly back in the day. Now you're actually going to Hawaii. Because Hawaii. I love Hawaii. It's so much fun.

I know. It's amazing. I'm really excited. Thank you Madness. Thank you for being here. You're awesome. And thank you to my amazing team. Ken, Jamie, intern, Shannon, producer, Lark and Michael there on sound helping us out. And I love you all. Thanks Thomas. Amazing listeners and thanks for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwith emily.com.

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