More Orgasms & Spicier Sex in 2023

I think that all of us have the potential to be great lovers, to be attentive lovers. It's just our conditioning, our upbringing, our backgrounds, the shame, the trauma, all the messages that makes us boring.

You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to.

Help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sexual your sexual needs are key to your sexual satisfaction and overall wellness. And when you've got a need that just can't be met, I'm here for you.

On today's show, I give one caller.

Who'S never had an orgasm surefire masturbation tips to help her get there next. She's 23 and loves her boyfriend, but he wants to move in together and she's not so sure. Psychologist and dear friend Dr. Jen Fried and I coach her on next steps. Another caller asked her partner to be more dominant in bed, and now he thinks they're sexually incompatible. Finally, she needs more sexual experience should she snag a friends with benefits.

All this and more as we unpack.

Your sexual needs and give you specific sexy tips to achieve them.

Intentions with Emily for each episode, I.

Want to start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you all to do the same. Well, my intention is to help you get to know yourself sexually. The deeper you go inside and understand your own eroticism and turn ons, the better you can communicate that to a partner. Please rate and review Sex with Emily.

Wherever you listen to the show.

My new article, Sexual Wellness Trends to try in 2023, is up@sexwithemily.com and linked in the show notes. Check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. It's all sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or Message me at sexwithemily.com askemily or call my hotline 559-talk-sex are 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous.

Before we get into today's episode, I.

Want to tell you about our new partner, Odella Health. As the first virtual health clinic focused on women's sexual health, Odella makes it that much easier and more accessible for vulva owners to get the care they need. They specialize in care for women who are postpartum, perimenopausal and postmenopausal, and they also offer free consultations and unlimited follow ups with their medical team under Dr. Ashley Winter, and she's a top sexual health doctor and neurologist. They also offer vaginal estrogen prescriptions and shipped to you so you don't have to go to the pharmacy. For free virtual treatment and $50 off your first prescription, go to odellahealth.com sex with emily that's o d e l a h e a l.com sex with emily odella health.com sex with emily or click the link in our show notes.

Thanks everyone. Enjoy this episode.

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Let's talk to Casey, 22, in Massachusetts. Hi Casey, thanks for calling. What's going on?

Hi. I'm turning 23 soon and I actually recently got engaged, which I'm very excited about, but I'm concerned that something's like.

Wrong with me, which I know I.

Probably shouldn't say because I've never orgasmed before by myself or with a partner. And I've looked on the Internet for advice and I feel like I've kind of tried everything The Internet has to offer.

Okay, Casey, first off, nothing wrong with you. Totally normal. Typical. A lot of us don't orgasm right away. It takes a little bit of time to get to know our bodies and stuff. So you have come to the right place. So, Casey, it's all good. So you looked on the Internet and what'd you find?

I found a lot of like, maybe it's in your mind kind of things. Like you're trying too hard, which sounds like me.

Yeah, I get it.

I've tried to relax. Having a few glasses of wine before, and then the whole idea that you have to get used to your body before you can try to explain to somebody else what you like. Which so far, everything I've tried, I've liked. And I enjoy having sex. It's just I never get to that point.

Okay, is your fiance, what does he think about. Have you talked to him about, you know, your orgasms and pleasure and stuff like that?

Yes. I think he's confused too, because I don't know what it takes for me. And so he just feels like it's.

I don't want to say it's an uncomfortable subject, but it's one of those.

Things that I. I'll bring up and he'll be like, what can I do to fix it? And I'm like, well, I don't know.

It might be good for you guys.

To kind of a sports attention, I guess.

Well, I'm so glad you're not married yet because this would be something great for you guys to tackle before you walk down the aisle. I'm not saying you have to have a million orgasms by the time you walk down the aisle. I'm just saying, like, you gotta. Casey, how did you find the show? I'm just curious.

My New Year's resolution was to try to really tackle my sexuality and. Nice, because I've been trying for years. So. Okay. And so I started listening to you and that's when I decided to call and. Because you're very welcoming presence. I mean, I've talked to a few women about it and like, there are certain women who are comfortable speaking to me and then other women who are like, joke around about it and it makes. That obviously does not make me feel great about myself.

So here's the thing, Casey. It takes a little bit of time. And I hadn't had an orgasm at 23 either. And I thought something was wrong with me because my friends are like, kind of the same way. They're like, you have never had an orgasm, haven't you masturbated and I didn't even masturbate. I didn't even know to masturbate. So it does really help, like to do it on your own, but it takes a little bit of time. So do you get turned on? Do you ever, like, think things in your mind and then you can feel it in your like, pelvic floor, your vagina, you start to get like tingly. Do you ever get those sensations, a turn on feeling? Okay. It's really just a matter of giving yourself time to like go in your room, use some lube. Do you have lube?

Oh, yes.

Okay. So lube is a really important part of orgasm for many women of all ages. So using some lube, going slow and sort of using a light touch. It's not about internal. Like you don't really want to go in and start, you know, using your finger internally. It's really about touching and the clitoris and using like a light tapping or moving your finger in circles or, you know, stroking up and down your labia. I mean, all those areas are sensitive. The tricky part is keeping your mind engaged so you're not like, is that it? Is that it? Is that it? Cause that's what happens. And then it's not sexy. Also, if your partner's asking you, how can I help? What can I do? He could do this with you. I mean, he could just start to slowly sit there and touch you and stroke you and like look at you and just sort of just use his fingers. Make sure he's got clean hands and he just starts to. It's a really light touch. Because what we learn in media is like, oh, I gotta take a finger and go inside and start like, you know, stick it inside. But it's. For most vulva owners, we need a really light sensitive touch to just sort of stroking around with like fingers, like the pads of the fingers, one or two fingers. He could even help you. It's about going slow. It's like a slow touch and knowing that you have enough time and it might take 20, 40 minutes. You know, that's how long it take women to have an orgasm. So it's really about patience and a buildup. And you might not feel anything the first five, 10 minutes. It's not a quick thing. And then also your pelvic floor. So you know the p stopping muscles, like when you're. It's those muscles, like. So those are your Kegels, right?

You're.

You're what people say, do your Kegels. If you tense and Relax those muscles. Sometimes when you're touching yourself, you're sort of like pumping the muscles that are responsible for orgasm, so you can kind of play with those. That can also help increase arousal by tensing and relaxing those muscles and all of your senses. So if you can light your favorite candle, lubricant that feels good on your hands. Listening to erotica, listening to your partner talk to you in a way, engaging everything and giving yourself permission to just explore and not just get there. You will get there. And also a toy is great. Using a vibrator. We have so many nerve endings, so every woman's different about what makes her have an orgasm. Tapping can feel good. Like slow tapping on your. Do you know. Have you ever taken a mirror, Casey, and looked at yourself? Looked between your legs?

Yes.

Okay, cool. So you. Have you ever touched yourself with the mirror and looked and thought, oh, because I noticed when I did that that I would start to stroke my clitoris and then it would start to swell. Like, it sort of becomes more like engorged blood. Like, it. It swells. It's exciting. And then you're like, oh, that's where I'm turned on. And then I would start to touch myself and move my fingers in circles and tapping. And so that's what it is. Have you done all of those things, Casey? Because I think it just patience and time and getting out of your head. Like, is this it? Is this it? Because you can't do that. I'm telling you, from someone who did that for years, I don't know what it is. Yeah. And breathing is important, too.

Definitely way too in my head.

Yeah.

It's not clinical like that. It's not like you get it and then you're there and no one explains that to you. And I've got tons of podcasts that might help you. You and your partner could listen together. I know that so many couples email me and say, we listen together. Or you could both listen separately and then discuss it. Kind of like a book club, but it's a podcast club. Because then you're going to start to hear these familiar messages about it takes a while to orgasm. Breathing using lube, your partner being patient.

And if you are looking for a vibrator, because let's be honest, shouldn't we all be looking for vibrators all the time? They're so fun. I gotta tell you about the Magic Wand. You know that I love the Magic Wand, and it is great for people of all levels. You know, you're gonna want one event eventually. You Might as well get one because.

The Magic Wand is so great for.

First off, external stimulation, external clitoral stimulation.

And it's also a great massager.

You can use it all over your.

Body, but I just like it for.

Exploring and getting to know all your erogenous zones. Huge fan. I love the Magic Wand mini. That's their new one if you haven't seen yet. And you want more of the Magic Wand, if I've piqued your interest here, we do have an article on our site called 7 New Ways to Use the Magic Wand. You'll be able to find it@sexfumble.com magicwand.

And of course, everything I talk about.

On the show, you can always find in the show notes.

So, Casey, the Magic Wand might be.

The perfect tool to help you find your orgasm. So thank you for calling in. Best of luck.

Let me know how it goes. Let's talk to Lizzie, 23, in San Francisco. Hi, Lizzy. What's going on? How can we help you?

Hi, Dr. Emily. Thank you for taking my call. I'm super nervous. I don't know why.

It's okay. Take a few deep breaths.

We're good.

We're going to help you.

Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm calling because next week I'm going to be moving with my boyfriend of three years. And I'm super excited about it. Like, I love our relationship. I think it's beautiful what we're doing, but I am honestly so terrified. And, like, he seems super optimistic. Like, yeah, it's going to work out, like, super excited just as I am. But I'm like, hey, let's talk about, like, an exit strategy. Let's just, like, prepare and. And then, I don't know, I feel kind of guilty for, like, asking myself these questions or thinking, like, why am I so scared when he's super optimistic? And, like, what if this is it? Like, we both want to obviously get married if things work out, But I'm like, 23, and I don't want to start falling into these not gender roles. But you get engaged and then when's the wedding? After the wedding, When's the kids going to happen? And I'm just curious to fall in, like, that routine or, like, just puzzle or whatever.

Lizzie, first off, I want to say that it's so insightful of you at 23, and it's not at all. I understand that feeling bad because he's not feeling that way, but I think it's 100%. It makes sense that you'd be Feeling you've never probably lived with anybody. You know, it's a big move, and you're right, and you're seeing down the line, and you're like, I'm 23. But then they're going to be asking about kids and all that. So you are absolutely right to be thinking about these questions before you move in. You're right where you need to be. My first question. Is there anything, like, if you have to name the specific fears, is it more like, do you have concerns about the relationship? Is it more like you just don't think you're really ready yet? Have you guys, like, what's the main fear right now?

I think the main fear is just, like I said, just falling into that. The rat race, you know, but like, everyday life and just having that routine. And like, I see, you know, my older sister, she, you know, has a kid and she's living with her boyfriend and. Or not her boyfriend, her. Her baby daddy and stuff. And she was just telling me about, like, all these routines and how the relationship changes and how, like, you know, it can be really frustrating to kind of just stick together and move forward towards things. And then, you know, his family is, like, super amazing. And, you know, everyone in his family is, like, married and been married for, like, 23 years. Like, so he's surrounded by, like, you know, he has that expectation of, hey, like, we're doing this. We're gonna be, like, for real, like, one and only kind of thing. And I don't know, I just feel like I'm not. I'm just more worried about what's gonna happen. Like, what if this does work? Like, how is it gonna play out?

Yeah. Well, I'm wondering. That makes sense. How's your communication right now with him? What do you guys talk about? Everything. Do you feel, like, vulnerable?

Yeah. He's honestly, like, amazing. Like, he. We've been together for three years, and that's my favorite part about our relationship is we can just talk about anything so openly. And he gives me that safe space. I give him the space. And I mean, it's taken time to, like, build up to where we are now. But I've expressed to him how I feel. And, you know, he's two years older than me. He's 25, and he's just surrounded by a bunch of, like, all his guy friends. Everyone around him is in a relationship, getting married, moving in, like, doing all these sets, and so are we. And after Christmas, he was kind of just telling me, like, how he feels and how he was like, super excited about this and how this is not just a test run. Like, this is kind of the real deal. And, like, obviously made me so happy to hear that, because I feel the same way. But I just, like, is this gonna happen soon? Like, if we're moving in and a year after we're gonna get engaged?

Yeah. That's a lot at 23. Lizzie, you're not wrong. I would. That would make me anxious, too. I mean, I. It's young. It is. You still have a lot of life to live, even how wonderful he is. I personally think it's soon to get married before you're 30. That's how I feel. And I think you have so much, like, living to do and understanding who you are. You sound like this is your first serious boyfriend. I can imagine it is if you're 23 and you've been together for three years. And so what I'm hearing is. And I'd love to hear it. Jen's. I'm sure's got lots of stuff on this, but I just feel like it seems like it's his agenda and his family or his culture that's kind of pushing it. And I just want to make you be mindful of that, that you get to have your own opinion about it, too, and what you want and don't have to feel bad for it, that you have a different view of the pace you want it to go, because maybe you're being a little rushed right now, and that makes me anxious. What do you think, Jen?

Well, I love that you called in. First of all, I think it takes a lot of bravery, and it shows me how thoughtful you are about this very lovely relationship. First of all, congratulations that you have such a good relationship. Really, the hallmark of a great relationship is you can say to your partner, if I don't follow the timeline of get married, have a kid in the next few years, is that still good with you? Because I'm too young to know exactly what my timeline is or even if I want to have a family. And I need to know that you love me, not just the ideas that you're committed to of family and marriage. I need to know you love me because I'm still developing. Can you have that conversation with him?

Yeah, I definitely can. He's super. Just loving, and, you know, whenever I need to talk, he just talks it out. And, you know, when I expressed to him that, like, that day that he was just throwing all his, like, love for me or whatever, and he's like, whoa, don't worry. Like, I'M not proposing. I was like, okay. I was like, it's not that I don't want to be with you, it's just that, like, I'm only 23. That's exactly what I said. He's like, no, I don't want to get married like anytime soon either. But like that's where I'm headed towards. And then I'm just not. Not that I'm not heading towards that. I just don't want to do that till like Emily said, you know, in my early 30s, late 20s, like that's when I want to start thinking about that. I've never brought it up to him in that way, Jen, so thank you for that. Yeah, I want to say it.

She said it beautifully. I would go write that down because I think that that's a really great intention and it's a way of saying it, that it's just really from your heart and it's really your truth. Maybe kind of see how he reacts to it because he still has what he wants, his agenda. So remember, it's not a one time thing. It's okay to say it to him and then continue to talk about it and see how it unfolds and just, you know, you're not in a rush. And so really seeing. Because he said he's not in a rush, but you also that his friends are all getting married right now at 25. So, you know, our culture, our friends, people, our community has a really big impact on decisions we make. So it doesn't sound like that's your community, but more his community. So I just, you know, just keep having these conversations and being with your truth and, and you might want to, you know, you said that you said something similar to this that he said, oh, no, don't worry, I don't want to anytime soon. But you're allowed to push him and say, well, tell me what you, you said no time soon, but, but let me know, what do you see? And he might be like, well, maybe a year from now. Well, I don't know, it sounds like that might be too soon for you, you know what I'm saying? Like, he might not want to wait till he's 30. So I would really just try to get really specific. Staying in your very loving, trusting relationship. I love that you're able to have these conversations. But I think it's okay to kind of get more information from him as he says things like that. Like, oh, it's not.

I just wanted to add because I think we take these norms as so Given, you know, I'm 24 years into my relationship and I never wanted to be married and I am completely committed to and it's just not an institution I wanted to get behind for reasons of my own. But I want all women and men and everyone to realize the institution doesn't own us. Our relationships are our private experience and however we want and need them to be shouldn't be defined by anyone else.

You get to decide.

Thank you.

Thank you, Jen.

Yeah, thank you. Thanks for saying that. That's so true. Those norms are what freak me out.

I'm with you. I'm with you.

Yeah, I mean, Lizzie, same. They always freaked me out. They've always freaked me out too. And I'm 20 plus years older than you. But when I was your age and 26 in San Francisco, I had a boyfriend who said I just bought a house and I'd been dating for a year and he said, and I, I want to know if you want to.

Move in with me.

I'll never forget this. I was home in Michigan visiting my family and he's like, I bought this house and I picture our future together and I had a full on. I didn't know. We didn't call, I didn't know. It was a panic attack. I was like, oh my God, I should want it. He's a great guy. But I was like, I am just not ready for this yet. It was just very intense. And back then it was sort of. People were sort of more so getting married a little younger, but still about 30, 20, late 20s. And that norm just never made sense for me. So I've had to define what kind of relationships I want. And I think that right now, especially at your age, it's such a good time that I think you're going find that more people are like minded and open and accepted to make their own rules right now because what else is there than to decide what works for you and if it's not your boyfriend, you know, eventually, I mean, I hope it is, but that's okay too because it's more important that you are true to yourself and your values because this is not something you want to just acquiesce on is commitment.

And one more thing, again, I want to say three years of having a great relationship from 20 to 23 or 20 to 25 is a celebration. Like to me the only thing that matters in friendship and love is how good is the connection. And I can tell by what you're saying that you have really found a person to have a great Ride with. We just don't know how long it is. And you don't have to decide right now.

Yeah, and that's exactly what I'm trying to get at. It's like, I know. It's, like, good. Like, we have the relationship that, like, I would want to have. Like, I have someone, you know, he's the first person I call in any instance, and vice versa. And it's crazy because when we first met, we kind of both knew we were going to be together, even though we weren't together at the time. And, like, it's a beautiful thing, but it's like, what if this is it? And how does that work?

You'll be fine. If it turns out on a day today, you'll be good. And we'll be here for you.

Thank you.

Take it one day at a time. You're so welcome. Thanks, Lizzie. You did great.

Stick around, because when we're back, I'm working through a sex talk gone wrong and helping a listener find a great partner for casual sex.

Megan, 27, in Michigan, writes, I decided to be open and honest with my boyfriend of four years today about wanting him to be more dominant, assertive, dirty when we have sex. We've barely had any sex the last year due to many factors, but a lot of it is how my needs are not being met. He's great, but he's boring. This ended in him not being mad but wanting to break up due to us not being sexually compatible. Neither of us want that outcome. What can be done to have my needs met without making him uncomfortable? All right, Megan, that's tricky, tricky, tricky. Okay, so four years today. Okay, so first, Megan, let me try to compliment sandwiches here, because, Megan, I love that you had a sex talk with him. That's so good that you talked to him about your needs. The only challenge is it was after sex and your four year anniversary. You gotta have the sex conversation when you're both hanging out. It's not after sex. It's not in the bedroom. It's sort of outside the bedroom. And it's about, hey, let's just talk about our sex life. It's okay to have a drink. Maybe you're having a dinner and just say, realize we haven't been having a lot of sex lately. And I realized that after four years together, I have some needs. I have some cool things I'd like.

To try in the bedroom.

Would you be open to spanking me? Talking dirty, and I don't know if this is the first time you've told him because the other thing is, it's been four years. You stopped having sex in the last year. And then to come out of the gate and say, we never have sex, you're not boring, you're not doing enough. I might break up with you too. Because you're blaming and you're, you're shaming in a way. Not that you meant to blame and shame, but that's how he heard it. Because to back that up, if you've never talked about sex with your partner, and then I'll guarantee you that your partner is. If he's never talked about sex with you, he's probably never talked about sex with anybody. Probably didn't have sex education. Probably, maybe, maybe was shamed for it growing up, talking about sex. So it was never welcome. So it's kind of shameful. It's kind of embarrassing, right? We just don't talk about sex. It's how most of this world, at least definitely in America is made up. So then you come out of the gate and you're like, we're not having sex. I need you to talk dirty. I need you to be assertive. And. And then he feels like it. I'm out. I don't know how to fix this. I feel shamed. I feel awful. I want to be a great lover to you. And now I'm just like, how do I get out of this heap of shit? Like, how do I get out of this feeling horrible? So I'm just gonna bail. So if you want to make it work with him, you can sort of roll this back and say, let's just kind of go back to the basics here. What kind of sex really turns you on? What are the three most memorable time we've had sex? I can tell you my most memorable times we've had sex. Let me walk through with you. And this is not just a one time conversation. This is an ongoing conversation that my goal is for couples to have it all the time. And then it becomes fun. Once you get past the shame and the embarrassment and him feeling inadequate and you feeling bad, that stuff goes away. The problem with the sex conversation is that we all take it so personally, and then it becomes an assault on our character and then we can't move past it. But imagine a world where we just talk about it all the time and it just becomes part of our lexicon. We're just talking about it. And so then when you bring it up, like, oh, I realized we didn't have as much sex last week, and I would love to have more. It's not like an assault on his character. So you could roll back and say, I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I want to roll this back. We have a pleasure planner that's on our website and it's a downloadable that you guys can do together. And it's going to ask you questions. What are memorable times you've had sex? What are some things we're looking forward to? What's bring us the most pleasure in the past? What's bring us less pleasure? And it's going to help you guys build it from scratch. The kind of things that turn you on, the kind of things that make you feel good. Reminiscing on your past, going towards the future. You can also check out the yes, no, May, because I think what you're going to find is once, maybe he is a lot more interesting than you think. I think that all of us have the potential to be great lovers, to be attentive lovers. It's just our conditioning, our upbringing, our backgrounds, the shame, the. The trauma, all the messages that makes us boring. Because I don't think anybody wants to be boring in bed. Nobody wants to be shut down when it comes to sexual. But we don't have a lot of great role models or people doing it or examples. Which is why I think a lot of you listen to this show. But what my world that I envision is that you all have these tools at your disposal without me. So starting there, let's plan out the year, let's talk about it. You can apologize to him if you hurt his feelings. And you could say, let's just start assuming that we're both coming from the same place. We both have the same attention. I want to be a great lover to you, you want to be great lover to me. And let's start from there. This is from Emily, 22 in Thousand Oaks. I feel like all my friends are very experienced with sex and only feel open to talk about it sometimes. I still feel very inexperienced. I haven't been with many people. I don't even know if I've ever experienced pleasurable sex because I don't think I've ever had good sex. I'm a pretty tall girl, so it's uncomfortable for me to be on top. I've been working on getting to know my body and started masturbating. I think what I'm trying to say is I want to try more sex and become more comfortable. Well, but I don't want to sleep with just anyone. It's nice to find a partner, a Fuck buddy. But I have none in mind.

Yeah, it's hard to find a quality person. Here's the news though. The dating apps are popping. They're not what you think. If you're like, oh, the dating apps are just for hookups like, or people are gonna ghost you. Yeah, people are gonna ghost you in real life. People are gonna ghost you on the apps. But it is true that they're saying that this was another thing that came out last week about like more people are meeting on apps than anywhere. And it even said that people in on apps were looking to get into quality relationships, long term relationships. Why? Like that survey is because people always think the apps are not. And this was like a conclusive study that said people on the apps take it seriously. The majority of them want to get into a long term relationship. But Emily, that doesn't help your question because you just want to get a friends with benefit. Now you're not going out probably you're not meeting people, you're not doing stuff like that. So I would just practice maybe talking on the apps and just start practicing getting to know people. I recommend doing a video chat, kind of start to vet people on the apps. And just because you're tall doesn't mean you're not going to be able to get comfortable on top. I want to say this to everybody. All the angst, the 20something people who have so much like angst about sex that it's going to be, it should be, you should already know how to be this and you should already know how to do that. How would you know if you haven't done it, if you haven't had as many partners and if you have had partners, you probably weren't open and talking about it. So it just takes experience. It's like you can't beat yourself up for things that you haven't even had a chance to try yet. But I like that you just started masturbating. I think that's great. And it's also important to continue to not just masturbate though. Like get comfortable with your, your fantasies, read erotica, listen to erotica. Get, get in the mood. Start thinking about different ways you can pleasure yourself because the more that we love on ourselves and have more orgasms and start to understand our bodies in all ways, you'll be so much more equipped to be in a healthy sexual relationship because you'll be able to express your needs. You'll know what feels good to you. You'll know who you are more. I just think that you gotta maybe Just ride this one out a little bit. Emily, you say, I feel like all my friends are very experienced with sex. I doubt it. If all your friends are 22 years old, they're not experienced with sex. They might have had a lot of sex. They might have had sex with a hundred people. Their number might be 100. But I'm telling you, there's a big difference between frequenting sex and being experienced. A skilled lover.

A skilled lover takes time and years.

And wisdom and communicating and all these things. So they're in the same boat you are. Consider yourself starting now. 22 is a great time to start experimenting. And I don't know, you know, how you know when you meet someone and that you want to be friends with them. We should just use that same test when we want to start dating someone. Okay, hear me out. If you want to become friends with someone, they're interested in you, they call you back, they make plans, they're there for you, they treat you well, you feel better when you're with them and you feel safe. You're not walking in eggshells. Let's put that same litmus test those same values when we're looking for a partner, like a, a boyfriend or a girlfriend or anyone you want to be with. But I don't know how this culture got caught up in like, oh, well, they were ghosting me, or they were not that great at the beginning and they were hot and cold and they were in and out. It's like that, then dump. Those people are not. They're going to be like that all the time. Someone who was there and then they pulled out, or they, they ghosted you, or they were dissing you, or they weren't available. They're never going to be available. Go with people who make you feel good from the jump. So that's how you're going to find someone and then see if you can build something from that. I think a lot more of us are sapiosexuals, meaning our brains. We want to have engaging conversation with someone. We want to feel emotionally safe, intellectually stimulated, and then we're going to be turned on. I think for a lot of us, we can actually spend some time getting to know someone and sort of start to build the attraction, the arousal, the excitement of getting to meet them in person. It won't be this awkward groping in the dark hug up thing where you barely know someone, because those were not sad. I'll bet you all of your sexually experienced friends, Emily and Thousand Oaks, that's the kind of experience they're having. I'll bet they were blackout drunk in college, running around, and they've had sex.

With a lot of dudes.

They've given a lot of blowjobs that might be experienced, but that doesn't mean they're having quality sex. So the fact that Emily, that you're even asking this question right now about how can I find someone quality? How can I, you know, get better with being on top and all the things are all great questions. And the fact you're even questioning it, not assuming that you know everything. You're exactly where you need to be. Check out our website. We've got blogs, we've got podcasts. We talk about this stuff all the time. Your confidence just, it comes from experience.

Comes from experience with your own body and with other people.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily.

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