My Orgasm Has Left The Building

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Kind of hard to get romantic when you do something like that. And it hurts. Even though we're using lube and all that good stuff, it's kind of hard for me to keep going when I'm gonna. And I just don't know what to do. I mean, she's a hot looking lady still at 61 and I'm attracted to her, but like I said, she's always in a bad mood. And I tell her, you need to have an orgasm. You gotta get that out of there. You know, I said I'm in a great mood. I masturbate every week, you know.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate.

The conversation around sex.

Do you fake orgasms? Be honest. You know, whether we feel pressured to end the sexual experience or simply don't know how to orgasm with a partner, faking it is common for every gender and orientation. So on today's episode, we discuss how.

To hold out for the real thing.

While also restoring your sex life. What do you do when it's not just your orgasm that's gone missing, but.

Your entire sex life?

Or how about when it's physical pain.

Holding you back from having more pleasure? I'll help callers with these questions and.

Others as we embark on a mission to get you back to orgasming and.

Back to a more pleasurable sex life.

Intentions with Emily for each Episode Join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it. I encourage you to do it. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? My intention is to unblock your orgasm, stop the habit of faking it already, and get more comfortable authentically expressing your pleasure. Please rate and review Sex With Emily wherever you listen to the show. My article how do I tell my partner I've been faking orgasms? Is up@sexwithemily.com check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok.

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I actually got some emails recently and so I got one from Carly, 22, in Maryland and she says Dr. Emily, hi. I love your show. I've learned so much from listening. My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years. We care about each other a lot. The sex is great. However, I fake orgasms a lot. I started faking it early on to keeping things from being awkward and so that I did not hurt his ego. He loves and pleased me. Often gets frustrated or angry at himself if I don't orgasm. I assured him it's enjoyable and still feel good even if I don't finish, but he doesn't get it. When I think about our future together, I don't want to always have to fake it or to lie to him. I also want to actually have an orgasm. How should I go about making him aware of the situation without upsetting him? Also, I'm unsure exactly what an orgasm feels like. Like she's never had one. So sometimes I'm unsure if I had one or not. Could I fake it until I make it? Am I such a good actress I can convince myself? Ha ha. Well, I guess I could unpack that one, but there Was another one that's really good. That's kind of similar. And this is from Cassie, 27. And she says, whose responsibility is it for orgasm? She says, I orgasm clearly. From what I remember, I was with my ex for eight years. I never orgasmed. When I would, it was cause I'd have to masturbate afterwards with him next to me or possibly masturbate during sex. But it wasn't about him. Now that I'm single, I slept with a few men who. Some take initiative to eat me out or make sure I orgasm. There's others who don't. Is having an orgasm my responsibility? It seems like a silly question, but I remember having a conversation with one man I was sleeping with. I told him I rarely had orgasms. And he's like, come on, you gotta direct these guys. I seem or feel inexperienced because with my ex it was the same cookie cutter where he was the one who got off. I blamed men for not making me orgasmed. But now I think it's evil looking at it wrong. So Dr. Emily is orgasming my responsibility and men are just there to assist? Or should I go into sex with the mindset that they should be the ones making me orgasm? Once this question is answered, I can have a better understanding of what to do in the bedroom and possibly orgasm more myself. I just. I kind of wanted to read this because if you are faking orgasms, you are not destined to a life of forever faking. I'm going to help you, Carly, get out of that and tell you what to say so you don't have to fake it anymore. And then also responsibility. Cassie, I totally related because I used to blame men. I'd be like, it's their responsibility. I didn't orgasm. Why aren't they good lovers? And I was like, oh.

Oh shit.

How can anybody else make you orgasm if you don't know yourself? And if you don't know yourself, it means you haven't been that comfortable exploring your body and figuring out what feels good to you. So it's everybody's responsibility. So I think that's interesting. We're gonna. I'm gonna cover all of that. Why we do it, how to stop doing it, and how to communicate about it. But let's talk to Fab, your Fab in Texas. Hey, Fab, what's going on? Thanks for calling.

You're Fab.

I knew it.

Hi, I am Fab. And that's really. That's really part of my name. I'm not giving my full name, but that is part of My name.

I'm down with it.

So I'm not quite 40, but last year I had a hysterectomy. You know, when I started having issues, I feel like mine and my partner's sex life really changed. I think in part because he really thought he was hurting me, which at one point, I had terrible endometriosis. So, yes, at one point it was painful, but the hysterectomy has really rectified a lot of issues. And I haven't lost all my desire because I still have one functioning ovary, and it's working overtime, and it's fine. But I feel like we have this disconnect that we never had before, and I heard you talking about faking orgasms. Number one, my first question is, can men fake orgasms?

Yes.

Number two, I'm trying to figure out, how do we get back to that place of, like, full passion like we used to be before my health issues really took over? I mean, I'm just trying to get us back because we were deeply in love. We used to have great chemistry. But then once all the health issues kicked in, I understand why he doesn't feel like he can explore or he can really do the things he wants to do. Because he's afraid of hurting me because it's happened before.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, you know, fab. This is, you know, thank you for sharing this. I just think it's such a common thing. Like, we want to get back to where it was, and then things go awry, and then how do we talk about it without hurting our partners? And it's a whole thing. But what I would recommend is talking to him about it, like, straight, like, outside the bedroom, and let them know and just say, I just want to talk to you, babe. I know we haven't talked about our sex life in a while, and it was really painful after my hysterectomy. But I want you to know that I really love you, and our sex life is so important to me. I've had my best sex in my life with you. And I thought I should tell you that, you know, since the hysterectomy, I'm not having pain. I'm actually feeling more turned on. I fantasize about you when I'm at work. And so, you know, I was wondering if we could kind of, like, talk about it, because I feel like maybe you're still, you know, worried about it. You know, what do you think about that? Like, really just a matter of you being curious and light and then saying, well, how have you Been feeling about it lately. But just like that, he might feel really relieved. He might say, oh, I knew that. And then you'd be surprised. Or he might say, oh, my God, I'm so glad. I was so worried. So that's really what it is. That's where you start.

Okay.

Because we have had that conversation, and he has said, well, I'm just afraid I'm hurting you. He was like, when I've tried these things with you before, it really put me in a place where I don't want to do those things. So a year later, I am in a better place. But I'm really. I don't know if maybe I just need to be more patient.

Yes.

I think talk about it again.

That's maybe where I'm at.

Okay. So I would just say, you know, I want to bring this up again because I want you to know I'm really in a good place. So you might have to remind him, Babe, I just want you to know I feel good. Like, you can still do those things. Or, I mean, do you still want to do the things that he thought was painful?

Yeah.

Okay, good.

Yeah.

I don't know. But you want to try that?

I mean, the problem was my endometriosis was so bad that, like, doggy style was painful. And now it's like, okay, I'm in a good place. You know, I have the right treatment and I'm good. But I think he's just so taken aback by my reaction in the past.

Exactly. That's what I'm saying.

Struggling. And I was thinking, well, what if he's faking it? What if, like, he did tell me. He said, well, our sex is very vanilla right now. He said, but that's okay. He's like, I'm not mad about it. Okay, But I don't know at what point you're comfortable. And then he's now taking it to where he thinks I'm talking about whips and chains. I'm just saying, let's just try to introduce new things.

Yeah.

Because I'm in a better place, Right?

Listen, the sex talk with our partner is not a one time conversation. It can't be, because nobody learns from a one time request, especially when it comes to sex. So now you're gonna be, listen, babe, let me remind you, I want to try things. You can do this position. I want to do doggy style. I want to try new things. And maybe then you initiate it or you say, this is what I want to do. You got to lead him. And then it Won't take long. Once you have the conversation again, you might have to have it a third time, but sometimes we just need to hear it. We forget. Life goes on. We were. We don't believe you. Maybe he was like, oh, she's saying that. You know what I mean? So it sounds like he's a very sensitive guy who really cares about your health, and that's all it is. So just let him know, like, I really care about our sexual pleasure, health and health together. So let's. Let's try it again. I'm feeling good. I'm excited. You know, do the things that turns them on and turn you on. Okay, so just have it again. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to. Okay, let me know. It goes. I'm here.

Fab for you.

Okay, thanks for calling. Appreciate it so much. Here's the thing, you guys. The sex conversation is so not a one time conversation. And I. I can't. If you were walking around going, well, clearly my partner doesn't want to initiate sex, because I asked them once, Listen, have you ever changed a behavior because someone told you once. Did someone ever tell you something once? You're like, okay, all of a sudden, I'm gonna start going to the gym. You know, like, habit changing takes a beat. It takes a moment. And I think we assume, well, it was really hard to do this ask to my partner, and now they ignored me. And I can't talk about it again. No, keep having the sex talk. The more you have the sex talk, the easier it gets, the better sex you're going to have. Period. End of story. That's how it works. Amanda just posted something. She's on the chat. Amanda. Okay. Amanda's our content coordinator, and she just let me know on our Zoom chat that her ex caught her faking orgasms. Tell me everything.

Yeah, this happened when I was younger. One morning I fixed my orgasms, probably like half the times we had had sex. And one morning we were at a Denny's. I'll never look at Denny's the same way. And without looking up from his menu, he just said, I can tell you've been faking your orgasms. And I was so embarrassed that I never did it again.

Wow, that's amazing. Did you. Did you admit it?

Yeah. Well, I was shocked because I think. I think I was like 21 or something too, or 22. So I was just really embarrassed. But now I kind of see it as like it was a gift.

It is a gift, right? I love that he called it out. I love that he said something to you. So, Amanda, let me ask you. So why were you faking it? Do you remember why?

Yeah, I thought I was expected to. And I thought he would think I was sexier if I like orgasms. Or sort of a combination of just wanting him to like me and wanting him to feel good.

Yeah.

Isn't it funny that we do that? That we're like, oh, now I'll be asked back, or he'll like me, I gotta orgasm, or I'm gonna be deemed a bad lover, when really it doesn't make any sense. Once you have the knowledge. The truth is, what you come to realize is that you come more. No, what you come to realize is that you can come. And that it's actually, like, your partners want to please you and be great lovers, but authentically, like, the ones that you really want to be with are like, oh, I want you to have a real orgasm. How can we get there? But we don't know that because we think we should be orgasming like that, like men do. So how did you. Which I love is that you finished, that you were like, nope, I'm done. Like Denny's. No more grand slams. No more orgasms. Like, no. No more faking. So then was it a process? How did you learn to orgasm with a partner?

I got better at communicating what was working, so I stopped faking. And it was interesting because I started realizing that some guys wouldn't even try, like, after sex. They'd just be like, did you come? And I'd say, no. I still didn't encourage them. And then I started dating somebody who was really about understanding what would work and what wouldn't work. So, like, just being with somebody who encouraged experimentation. And then I started to, like, learn more about my body, and so I felt more comfortable just kind of trying new things.

Yeah, that's the process. I love that. That's such a good story. I mean, I really. Sometimes we just got to be. We think that's going to be so horrific. And it probably was in the moment. But this is why honesty with our partners. Like, you know, we grow. Like, look how much you. You might still be faking orgasms. You know, who knows? I love that. Thank you for sharing that. And that totally sums it up. It's like, we want to please them. We think we'll be a better lover. It's, like, performative, right? And so it's like, oh, and then. And then you probably faked it, like, how you heard in porn or, I wonder how he knew do you remember what you did?

I think now that I've, like, know what a real orgasm feels like, there's such, like, a body reaction to it, you know, there's such, like a physical reaction that I'm sure he, like, they can, like, feel the difference. That's my guess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. That's true. You hope that they can. Some can't. And what you also brought up is. God, there's so many things here. It's that, oh, something you just said about. We think that they expect it. They expect us to orgasm. I think that I used to feel that I got it down. Like, I was like, okay, I kind of knew how it felt because I'd started to masturbate on my own. I didn't have an orgasm with a partner, so I was just faking, faking. And then I was like, okay, I have to figure it out. Like, I'm going to get into my own pleasure and then I'm going to explain to a partner. And so then what I realized, there's also those partners who don't care. They roll over and they're like, did you have one? And now I'm just like, you would know. You would know. But again, those guys I've been with that just roll over, don't. Don't even make an effort. Where I used to get frustrated, to me, they just don't know. Like, they don't have the knowledge. They've probably been with partners in the past who never felt safe telling them. And then sometimes when you bring it up to some of these guys, they're like, everyone else I've been with has an orgasm, and I'm like, I guarantee you that every time you've had sex with someone for 3.2 minutes, like you just did with me, that they did not have an orgasm. Like, statistically speaking, there is no way. But again, it's more like them not having the knowledge, them not having the education that, like, oh, women are slow cookers. Men can be more frying pans. We need more time to kind of, like, get going and just sticking it in for the majority of penetrative sex. Not going to work. Not gonna fly. Up next, I'll answer more of your questions about how to orgasm authentically. So don't go anywhere.

Let's talk to Pete, 42, in Florida. Hi, Pete, thanks for calling.

Hi, thanks. Of course.

I've been married now for 21 years, almost 22 years, and my wife has complained that my sex drive is not the way it used to be. I'm 42 years old, and if we have sex once every couple weeks, I just. I'm all right with it.

What can I do?

Well, Pete, tell me, what do you think? Has anything changed? Are you taking any medications?

No. I work quite a bit, and I find my wife sexy. It's just.

Yeah, you both are since you were 21, so. So, yeah, that's something, too. Here's the thing, though. It sounds like you work a lot. Do you enjoy your job or are you in a stressful place?

I'm in a stressful position.

Yeah.

I'm a public servant. Put it in that way, too.

Okay, so, you know what, Pete? The thing is, first off, after the age of 40, men's testosterone starts to drop. And that's the hormone, you know, responsible for erections, like blood flow. How is your health? Like, do you exercise?

I try to get to the gym. Not as much as I can.

Yeah, I mean, part of it is blood flow. Right? But. But I really think that to spice it up, a lot of times, the brain is our most powerful sex organ. And how can you start to enhance the intimacy with the two of you? Because right now it sounds like she's like, you're not in the mood. And then you're like, feel bad that you're not in the mood. But I want to offer up a different kind of conversation you could have with her because you're saying that you want to be doing it more often. So it's a conversation of, you know, I know that I haven't been as into it lately. I'm tired, and I really think it's important for us to reconnect. And I realize that it's been so stressful lately. And then maybe you guys could just. You've married 21 years, which is such a. In a way, it's a great place to be in because you have so much to work from. Like, it used to be more frequent. You could even say to her, well, let's have fun. Let's go out, you know, go out for dinner and talk about, like, the three most memorable times you've had sex. Like, have her say, what are the moments? Moments you remember, and I'll tell you mine. Or you could exchange bucket lists, things you want to try, fantasies you have, the things that get you in the mood. It's really just about having conversations with the goal of communicating so you can both connect better. It's not to shame or to blame. We all want to go back to the first six months of dating, but that doesn't happen, but you can still be attracted to each other.

Yeah, I got you on that. And I understand that. She asked me last night and she goes, do you find me attractive? I'm like, of course I do. But in fact, my mind, I'm like, oh my God. I. I take my medicine before I go to bed because I have a hard time sleeping. So I take a sleeping bed and as soon as I take that, my drive is like gone, you know? And we have three kids at the home, so it's not like that's tough. I mean, you gotta wait until a certain time. By that time I'm born. Slap out.

Yep.

So I mean, so it's, you know, just recently. And we were, we were like bunnies. I mean, yes, we were younger.

Okay, well that's good news. So, Pete, you just need time and space. So this is what you need. You gotta recreate that feeling at home. So I don't know how cold your kids are and how self sufficient they are. They young kids.

No, they're teenagers.

Okay, so listen, mom and dad are gonna go have some time. We need some intimate time to connect. I know that might be horrifying to you, but that's how I think it needs to go. You had a plan. Now you know, okay, I get up, I take my sleeping med, I fall asleep by 8 or 9. So now between 7 and 8, 6, 6 and 7:30, you guys are like, okay, we're gonna go do it at this time. You gotta schedule the sex around your schedule when it works. Because if you keep waiting when you're not tired and you're not with the kids, it'll never happen. Listen, when our partners aren't in the mood for sex, the first thing we think is they're not attracted to us. And everyone does it, all genders. We're like, well, it must be me, it must be me. You gotta reinforce her and say, of course I'm attracted to you. I, I am so attracted to you. Our sex life is so important. Let's problem solve here. That's what has to happen, to answer your question, is that we got to figure it out. Maybe you set the alarm earlier in the morning by 20 minutes, or you cancel plans or something, or you go up in the room an hour earlier, like 20 minutes. You know how long it takes. Okay.

She'll kill me if I wake her up at 4am and have sex with her.

Well, I, Yeah. So then it's at night, it's you saying, before I take my pill, sleeping pill, let's get upstairs, let's do the dishes in the morning, you know what I'm saying? Like, just, we need this because it's your sustenance. It's what keeps you intimate, connected. We need the oxytocin connection, which is the cuddle hormone that connects us. And so you gotta just figure it out. Because what I love is that there's not a problem here. You went on vacation and it was great. So you just need the space and time and you can create that in your home.

Yes, ma'. Am.

All right, thank you. Let me know how it goes. I'll be here for you. I want to hear your success stories, you guys. A lot of you are like, thank you. I listen, I call you, email me what worked because I actually want to interview you now. Like, how did you take this advice on the show? I want to know what helped. Email me. Feedbackexwithemily.com and on all social media, it's exwithemily. Okay, let me. Let's talk to David, 57 in Michigan. Hi, David.

Hi there.

I'm from Minnesota.

Oh, Minnesota, got it. I saw the Mia. I got excited because Michigan. I'm from Michigan, but you're in Minnesota. I get. People do that all the time to me too. What's going on?

Well, I'm 57 and my wife 61, and our sex life is like null and boy. We haven't had any done anything for over a year. Every time we do, if we try, it's like, don't quit, don't do that. And if we ever get to do the intercourse, it hurts. So it's kind of hard to get romantic when you do something like that and it hurts. Even though we're using lube and all that good stuff, it's kind of hard for me to keep going when I'm. And I just don't know what to do. I mean, she's a hot looking lady still at 61, and I'm attracted to her, but like I said, she's always in a bad mood. And I tell her, you need to have an orgasm. You got to get that out of there, you know, I said, I'm in a great mood. I masturbate every week, you know, but I just, I. I don't know what to do to get her to come around or. Yeah, 25 years.

Yeah. David, that's a long time. I mean, have you talked about it? Have you ever said, listen, our sex life is so important to me, our intimacy, and I really want to find a way to continue to Be intimate with each other and have sex and find out a way for you to do it without pain.

Well, I try. And then she goes, well, sex is the only thing in a marriage. I'm like, I know, but we're not 90 years old out on the rocket chair, you know, I gotta have some sex or something. And she's like, oh, well, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I hear you, Dave. Here's the thing. So you said it's because she's having pain every time.

Yeah.

When we have intercourse, she has. You know. And I've told her to have it checked out at the doctor. And she said, because you were getting older and this and that. And I said, I realize that, but, you know, like I said, we're not 90 years old out of the rocket chair.

No, you're not done. Listen, people are having sex in their 80s. You know, you're not done yet. And I think that this is what happens, you know, I would recommend that she goes to see a pelvic floor physical therapist or a hormone doctor. Because for many women, it could be because if, you know, we get older, men are losing testosterone, we're losing estrogen. As a result of estrogen, our vaginal walls start to thin. They start to, you know, atrophy, and they get less lubricated. And then we have pain, but no one tells us that, and it's kind of a bummer. And then we just think, well, I can live without sex because it's become too painful. And so. And then we forget that we liked it, and then we don't prioritize it. But I think the important thing is to let her know it's really hard to have these conversations, especially if she's made up her mind and she's embarrassed about it or she's just, like, very hard. Yeah, I know, I know, but, like, how does your wife learn, like, you know, you've been with her 25 years. Is there any way that, you know, to talk to her where she's finally, like, kind of agreed to take a step that she previously been against?

I don't know. I mean, we've used toys and all that stuff.

She's like.

She's dead down there.

Yeah, I mean, listen, she could. You guys could do some mutual masturbation. Listen, she probably shouldn't. She probably has the ability to have a clitoral orgasm. So she just. It's just the penetration that hurts her. So I would recommend that you guys are still sexual and connected again. We have a lot of stuff on our website@sexhemily.com, we've got so many great posts about this and what to do with vaginal pain. And so for me, I like education. I like learning about things. And then I'm like, oh, okay, well, this is an easy fix. I just need to go see this kind of doctor. And maybe if you let her know, you gotta use feeling words. And not like, oh, you never. But saying to her, you know, I feel less connected to you. And we're not having. We're not as intimate. I feel like it's harder to connect. And I want to do everything I can in support as your husband. I'll go on this journey with you. Let's go see a doctor together. And I know you might say, but she won't. She won't. And that's on you, because I don't. You know how you can get your wife to get there, but know that it's an ongoing conversation. You can't let it go because it does matter.

And she says she doesn't masturbate either. She has, I think, once in. I remember 25 years she masturbated once. And that was like. I mean, that was years and years and years ago. She did it.

It's time that she starts again.

That was it. One time.

Maybe you could. Yeah, I can't hear you. You know, it's really common that sometimes women think I'm in a relationship, I don't need to masturbate. But this is what I'm talking about. Sex begets sex. So if we can get her to have some orgasms, get on board. It's like going to the gym, right? Like, we. It's so hard to get back on it. We don't go. And then we go. We're like, oh, it feels so good. So if you could kind of find a way to get her into the pleasure zone again, that's. And I would keep talking to her about it.

A hormone specialist that specializes in women's sexual health. The other thing I'm going to tell you about is a pelvic floor. Physical therapist. Pelvic floor. Like a pt. Like a PT for your vagina. We have information on our website@sexual me.com but we gotta go now. You can call me back and let me know how that first conversation goes.

That's it for today's episode.

See you on Tuesday.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily.

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