Non-Penetrative Orgasms w/ Violet Benson

When I'm about to get naked, I get naked in front of the mirror while the guy's watching me, and I get turned on by myself, and then the guy gets turned on by me. He doesn't give a shit about where you have a stretch mark or if your left labia is more out than your right labia. Like, he doesn't— he's so excited to be there.

Because you're standing in your power, your true confident power as a woman. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily Morse, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Violet Benson started her now famous Instagram account, Daddy Issues, while working through issues of her own. On today's podcast, she opens up about working through deep emotional struggles so she can create the sex life and relationships that truly work for her. No matter your background or life stage, I'm positive this conversation will liberate and inspire you to take the next step in your sex life. Violet, who hosts the popular podcast Almost Adulting, tells me about her decision to temporarily swear off penetrative sex, freezing her eggs, and how she quit playing games while dating. She also takes the Sex IQ quiz inspired by my upcoming book, Smart Sex. Listen to her results, then listen to both of us answer a listener question: when the sex is hot, but they've got huge emotional red flags, should you pursue them anyway? Intentions with Emily Morse. For each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show, and I encourage you all to do the same. My intention is to model to you what it is to be vulnerable in ways that ultimately help your sex life and your relationships. Listening to Violet, I think we can all learn how to more precisely identify our needs, our unhelpful patterns, and how to set ourselves up for success both in love and in bed. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new articles, Sexy Summer Pack List and What Happens When You Add Anal to Your Masturbation Routine, are up on sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all @sexwithemily. Sexwithemily for more sex tips and advice. And if you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com/askemily or call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Big announcements! I'm going on a book tour very soon. If you haven't gotten your tickets yet, do it. I'm doing live events in New York on June 13th, virtually on June 15th via Crowdcast, so I can talk to all of you. Please join us in San Francisco Bay Area on June 17th. I cannot wait to meet you all face to face. We'll be doing photo ops, a moderated discussion panel, and live Q&As to answer your sex questions. And when you buy a ticket, you automatically get a copy of my new book, Smart Sex. We have an article live on our site with all this info, which you can also find in the show notes. I have Violet take our brand new Sex IQ quiz in this episode, and you can take it too. I know that you want to. It's 15 questions and the results help you refine and improve your sex IQ. And right now I'm offering the Sex IQ quiz exclusively to anyone who preorders my book Smart Sex. Just email a screenshot of your proof of purchase to smartsex@sexwithemily.com and I'll send you the online quiz. That's smartsex@sexwithemily.com. Be sure to order Smart Sex today. Go to sexwithemily.com/book for a full list of retailers. Lastly, this episode is brought to you by LELO. You know by now I love LELO. They are the OG. They are award-winning luxury sex toy brand. They make amazing products for people of all genders, sexual orientations, ages. I love the LELO Lily 3 because it's just an adorable little vibrator that you hold in your hand, but it's powerful and you can use it in all different body parts too. You could use it on yourself, you could use on your partner, your nipples. You could use it on the shaft of the penis, externally, vulva. I just love how adorable, cute, and powerful it is. And it's discreet. It's quiet. A lot of people worry about how loud vibrators are. Not this baby. And it is based on one of their best-selling vibrators, and they just innovated upon it. It came out with the Lily 3, and I love it. Like, you can throw it in your purse, you can throw it in your pocket. It's one of those that you will just always have with you when you need a little vibration. And who doesn't need that? You can get 25% off all LELO products when you use the code SEXWITHEMILY at checkout. Just go to LELO.com. That's L-E-L-O.com. Use code SEXWITHEMILY for 25% off, or click the link in our show notes. All right everyone, enjoy this episode. Violet Benson is a blogger, comedian, television host, and internet personality most known for her Instagram page Daddy Issues and her biweekly podcast Almost Adulting. She's been featured by MTV, notably providing pre-show coverage for the Video Music Awards, and Vanity Fair. Named the Instagram meme queen, she rose to prominence curating original memes, earning a following of over 5 million Instagram followers on her Daddy Issues account and an additional million followers across her personal and podcast accounts. All right, let's get into the conversation. Violet Benson. Hi, beauty. So good to see you.

So good to see you too. Welcome to my home.

It's— I love being in your home. It's always evolving. I love that it's so colorful and bright right now.

Yeah.

Energetically, I feel like you're in a good place.

Yes, I am.

I love that.

Yes.

Tell me everything, because last time I saw you, you said that you weren't dating. Like a year ago, last time you were on the podcast, you said you had stopped dating.

I said that?

Mm-hmm. I think it was a year ago. Wow.

Okay.

So catch us up, Violet, because, you know, on your podcast, you give a lot of advice. You're very immersed in dating and you help others.

I feel like I'm actually always dating. Like, I think I'm not dating, but I'm actually never alone. I'm never single. And I think I'm just such a lover girl in a weird way where I just love love. But one thing that I did do the past year is where I decided to stop having sex for me because I felt like I want to work on myself. And I felt that I didn't know how to have intimacy with someone without just sleeping with them and just assuming that's intimacy because I struggle with intimacy in general, with, you know, daddy issues. And I think I was myself emotionally unavailable. And instead of getting to know someone, sometimes I would just be thinking about sex a lot. And by the way, I can count on both hands the amount of men that I've slept with. So it's not like I was just getting into bed with every person, but it was more that I choose someone, I don't know them at all, I have sex with them, and I'm like, okay, I'm just going to love them now for the next 6 months. And then it's not working out. It doesn't matter. I'm not seeing the red flags, and I'm ignoring it because I'm like, well, it was already inside of me. So You should try to make it work. And it's like, if I didn't sleep with that person, it wouldn't have clouded my judgment, and I would have been like, hey, you know what? He hates the Jews. Maybe I shouldn't be having sex with the guy that wants my people killed. You know, obviously I'm being sarcastic. You get what I'm saying? It's like you kind of open your eyes versus, yeah, but that was him last week. Like, he's changed. He hasn't met me yet.

You're saying you place a lot of value on the penetrative sex and you thought that maybe if you didn't have penetration, but you just sort of were with others, like that's the culturally, like we want to keep our numbers down. Like you just said to me, I can count on one hand, right? So much shame. Both hands.

So much.

Let's not get crazy. Both hands. For you and for many women, when we have sex with somebody, penis goes into our vagina. We are— it's someone's entering us. We become attached.

It's more about how it makes me feel and it's my boundaries with myself. A lot of times I think we have all these fears and we don't realize that we can fix those fears if we create boundaries with them instead. So for example, if my fear is that if I sleep with someone, they're not gonna treat me the way I want to be treated, or I'm gonna feel unloved, or my fear is that it's going to really get to me and it's gonna put me in some bad mental state, I'm not gonna shame myself for going through those experiences. I've decided to change my perspective regarding that instead of like, okay, you know what? That's just who I am. That's how I deal with things. It's going to happen to me, and I'm not going to suppress it. So instead, I turn my fear into a boundary, meaning my boundary now is to not just sleep with someone too fast, because then if it doesn't work out or if they make me feel unloved, I can walk away from it. Versus in the past, I would just continue chasing them, and now it's more like it becomes my unresolved childhood trauma that I'm just not trying to go towards.

Okay, that sounds like a really healthy way to deal with it. And it's probably a little bit of both. Like, maybe you felt attached, but also psychologically We get into patterns where you feel like, I sleep with someone, I'm attached. So sometimes I think we can work around that. You don't have to be attached because it's a pattern of being attached to somebody.

But the point is what you're saying right now, if something doesn't make me feel good, I'm just not going to do it.

That's such a great lesson. I feel like that's a lesson for so many people that we don't often pay attention to that at all. So you're like, okay, I'm not going to do that. And now I'm just going to date but have no sex.

Yeah. So first it was, and it would all happen because I think Sometime the end of 2021, I was trying to have a, like, a one-night stand with this guy, and then, and then we just end up dating. And then I was doing my normal thing where I flip-flop wanting a man to chase me, and then when I flip-flop, they leave because they're like, 'F this.' And then I suddenly just attached this fantasy to this guy, and I would just be thinking about him a lot. And I know it had to do with the fact that we already slept together. So that's why after him, I said, 'Okay, I'm enough.' It doesn't make me feel good. I created a whole fantasy of someone that I actually don't actually know.

No, it's always like lack of information.

Aside from that, I'm not actually chasing that person because I do have a choice and I can stop at any time. I'm purposely chasing someone who's ignoring me because they make me feel exactly how I deep down feel about myself, which is like I'm not enough. Understanding myself so much better because people think sex is just sex. It's not just sex, it's so much more. and it has a lot to do with you. So I decided, okay, I'm just not gonna sleep with men till I figure out and work on myself where I feel like I am good enough and I don't attach how someone treats me as my value. Then I started dating again, but I just kept my boundary. My fear turned into a boundary where I just wasn't sleeping with guys. But of course, you know, I still have needs, so I still really, you know, enjoyed doing other things. So I was still— one guy dated for a couple of months, like we still did oral sex on one another. But it made me feel, for me personally, like I took my power back. Because I felt that in some way I put such an emphasis on sex that my power got taken away. I lost control when I would sleep with someone. Because a lot of times we think if a woman sleeps with a man too fast, we think that, oh, now he's changed, he's different. But a lot of the time he hasn't changed. He's the same person. But maybe we've changed because now we're paying more attention. Did he always not text me in the morning, or is he not texting me in the morning now because we had sex together? And that's when you get in your head, and that's when you start to act differently. So a lot of times that happens, but if I'm not sleeping with someone, I'm acting the same and they're acting the same. Like, I'm texting with a guy, I responded to him last night, he hasn't responded yet. I'm not sitting here crying over it, right?

So we're talking about penetration. We're saying you could do everything but— like, you're going down on him, he's going down on you, everything happens, maybe they meet your parents, I don't know, everything happens but the penetration. The penetration for you is that deciding factor where you're like, you don't get attached.

That's what I put in my head.

That makes sense. And I think it's like psychological and biological and emotional.

And I'll convince myself that I like someone more than I actually like them. So I always get attached, but it's minimal. It's not a way where my attachment happens to connect with my childhood trauma that I thought I already—

That you're not enough.

Okay, here's the thing. A lot of times when it comes to dating, and I've studied this a lot, is that healthy relationships can feel uncomfortable for people who didn't grow up with healthy love. So if I only know love where, like, for example, with my father growing up, where I had to chase to earn that love, then I finally felt like I earned it and deserved it. How is it going to look normal, feel normal to me when it's me and another person where they're just freely giving their love to me?

Yeah. You're like, oh, this is too easy. It must not be real love. I need the struggle. Love is a struggle.

I started to notice I would break up with the guys and literally a full-on pattern where I break up with guys and then I chase them for them to forgive me. I finally stopped, and then I was freezing my eggs. I was on so many hormones, and I did that again, and I felt very bad about myself for doing that, for repeating a pattern that I thought I healed from. It made me feel like shit. I didn't realize that the hormones were in me.

Well, the hormones are intense. I want to hear about your egg freezing too, but I just want to say something that you said about changing our patterns. Here's like a newsflash, everybody. I don't think that we ever completely change. You don't heal mental illness. You don't stop patterns. I think that you learn to manage things and you get better. So the fact that you even—

You get better bouncing back.

You get better bouncing back. You're like, okay, that was bad. I fell down and I got back up a lot quicker. It's not about how many times you fall down. It's how quickly you get back up. So maybe you didn't beat yourself about it for days. You're like, oh, there I go. But it's really, really hard to change these patterns that are so deeply ingrained, especially in how you grew up.

Yeah, I mean, it took me forever to realize that I was repeating a pattern. I'm always the one breaking up with them only to then chase them to try to earn that love. And it's so silly.

Do you ever tell them that? Like, first date, do you ever say to them, hey, this is this thing? Because sometimes I've done that too. I said, listen, this is the thing that I do. I'm trying to remember what that thing was. Or like, I'm gonna— you're gonna probably think at some point that I don't really like you and that I'm pulling away, but I don't really mean to be doing that. So if this ever comes up, let me know. Or if you ever feel like— I have a thing where I'm not great at a we. I'm always like, well, I'm doing this and I'm doing that if you want to come. And I make people feel that.

Oh, people hate that.

They hate that. So I was like, if you ever feel that way, let me know because I know it's a pattern. So I'm wondering if you could ever warn guys that you do this thing and just say, be on the lookout for that, because then it takes the power away from it. And if you do it, you guys can kind of laugh about it. Every time I see you, like, tombs of research, you're reading, you're writing, you're talking, you're helping your listeners, you're working on yourself. I feel like you're making so much progress. I don't— I haven't seen the guys you've been dating. I haven't heard about them, but hopefully they're men that are following along the track with you. You saw pictures today? I saw some pictures, but I didn't talk to them. They looked cute. They were different. I love that.

Very different.

I know they seem very different, but hopefully you're, you know, getting your needs met from them. And how is the sex when you are having the oral variety?

It's exciting. I haven't had oral this year. This year I haven't. I've only kissed 3 guys this year, and it hasn't gone anywhere where I touched their privates or they touched mine. I would say it's been a dry year, even for me. I'm not sure what happened this year.

We were freezing eggs.

Oh, yeah.

Should we get to that? Tell me about that experience to freeze your eggs. And how old are you?

34.

34?

Yes.

You're 34 years old. And how did this come to be? What was the decision like?

I think it was good that I was freezing my eggs, and I, for whatever reason, just posted about it once, and I didn't realize how many other women want to know more about it. So then I started to document it because I wasn't planning on doing it before, and I think it's good for women to freeze their eggs at a younger age to preserve their eggs. And that's what I was doing it for. I wasn't doing it because I was infertile or anything like that, or because I want a baby tomorrow, because the women of IVF are a whole other world, and they're also very sensitive, and they take everything very personally because they're going through the struggle of not being able to have babies and to go through all of that. So you can kind of save yourself some of the headache if you start thinking, yeah, you're getting ahead of it because you're like, I don't want the pressure that every guy I'm with or whatever that I have to—

you know, now you can wait.

Well, one thing that a lot of men don't know or women don't know is that men in their late 30s, early 40s, around 40% of men are infertile around that age. Because I think there's always this whole thing about the women.

Yeah, it's always women's fault, our responsibility. But a lot of the time now, it's Guys, yeah, their sperm isn't viable, but we always blame the women. Women got so much of the brunt of it. Like, I can't get pregnant, there's something wrong with me. But like, it turns out your sperm gets kind of funky too after a while. We all have to, as you get older.

I know, it's just this whole shame around everything. It's exhausting. People shame you for everything, and it's the most random people on the internet who will just shame you and bring you down because they don't feel good about themselves. And it's not easy. Sometimes you can just pass through it, who cares, whatever. But sometimes you're also having a shit day.

Yeah.

And then that one comment really does get to you. How do you handle it? I can tell the difference with how I respond or not respond or how I react the rest of my day, whether or not I'm having a good day or not.

You're right. You're like, today. Yeah. Yesterday this comment would've been fine, but today I'm gonna take it down. Take it down.

Look, at the end of the day, things don't affect you unless deep down a part, you believe some part of it to be true. That's why a lot of times people talk shit about me, quote unquote. I usually don't take offense, and I've always said— people always like, wow, you're so good at not caring. And I said, if someone talks badly about you, when you actually care, you get really offended. The truth is, and you don't want to hear this, but it is the truth, deep down a part of you believes that to be true, and that's what you're taking so personally. So if someone suddenly tells me you're going to be single forever and I'm having a bad day because I feel like that, yeah, of course it's going to hurt my feelings. Or who's going to take advice from an old hag? You're fuck, that person could be right because that's how I felt today. And that's why you have to just stay away from things that are not good for your mental health. I'm not saying then don't grow at all as a person, but is that feedback that I need? Or is that just plain someone who's mean because they want to see my tits and I won't post them, so they want to put me down till actually then finally be like, oh, you're right, here are my tits.

What do you do in those moments? Do you have any mental health tools for when you start going down a track when it doesn't feel good?

What I do is what I've learned, and I would say I've learned this more towards the end of last year and this year, is to give myself grace. And it seems such a simple thing, but it's not. Sometimes when people say mean things to me and it doesn't offend me, it's because I've literally said worse things to myself. That's why you can't hurt me. So no one talks to ourselves worse than we do. We would never speak the way we talk to ourselves to our best friend. So that is why I started to give myself grace, and I've learned now That when I'm repeating patterns, like, especially when I was going through the mood swings of the— when I was losing my eggs.

That must have been a whole thing.

I mean, that's one thing that's upsetting.

That's like being on your period times 20.

The doctors, everyone's so focused on your physical health. No one tells you the emotional toll that's going to take. And then they gaslight you that other people are overexaggerating. So then you think you're— I thought I was going mental towards the end of my stuff. I literally thought I was going mad in my brain and there was something wrong with me. I was feeling suicidal. I was feeling so emotional. I would just cry for no reason. I broke up with a guy. I was dating because I was like, you don't care about me, no one cares about me, no one gives a shit about what I'm going through. And I literally had a friend staying with me and she would be like, hey, do you need anything? No, I'm fine. And I'll go in my room, I'd be like, no one even gives a fuck about me. Like, I don't— so sorry for swearing— like, no one cares, I don't get it. And it's like, she just asked me and I said I was fine because I don't know how to ask for help. And then I'm sitting there, no one's checking in. Well, guess what? If you keep acting like you're okay, no one's gonna ask you if you're okay. You can't always just expect people to read your mind.

So have you learned to like reach out then to people and let them know what you need.

I mean, the egg freezing just recently happened. So I would say the thing is, like you said, we never fully grow out of certain patterns that we have. But the reason you're able to give yourself grace is because, you know, I used to feel guilty when I would repeat an old pattern because I thought I've outgrown it. But then I learned, no, it's not about never repeating something. It's how you handle it afterwards, which was just what we talked about. So that means I repeat a pattern. And now I know, oh, shit, it's happening. Okay, I can get out of it, or I can make myself feel better, or I can stop myself before it gets worse, before I spiral. So that's how I'm able to really understand that I'm growing. That's how you grow.

That's exactly it. You notice it right before you go down the path.

Exactly. And I think you have to do what works for you. Like, for some people, it's talking to other people. For other people, it's just sleeping the whole day. But just don't make yourself feel bad about what you need to do for your process. For me, I'm a very logical person. So when I have too many emotions, I don't know how to handle them because I need to attach them to things. And I've learned I can't always attach my emotions to what it is. But what's helped me when I was feeling suicidal, all those emotions, I went on Reddit because I kept Googling what happens after you freeze your eggs. And they were like, women will be fine. They go back to work the next day. But I was in excruciating physical, not just mental pain. I was fine leading up to it. So everyone else that I talked to, they were suffering. Needles didn't bother me. I wasn't bloating, nothing. I even lost a pound or two. But then after retrieving my eggs, 2, 3 days, I couldn't sit or walk. I was now getting angry because I can't sit or walk because I'm in pain, physical pain. The doctor, they didn't give me any painkillers. And then I finally was like, I told something's wrong, something's wrong. They're not listening to me. You're going to be fine. I wasn't fine. Thankfully, I had painkillers on me that then they told me to take. But then my mental state wasn't like— at this point, I'm just all out. And that's when I Googled, went on Reddit chat, Reddit chat, all these women talking about the hormones and their emotions. And I was like, okay, okay, okay. So it's in my head.

Yes.

Everyone doesn't hate me. Everyone. People do care about me. Because that's the thing about your brain is so powerful. It's the most powerful muscle we have. Your brain will try to prove your thoughts to be true. So if I sit here and I say everyone hates me, my brain will try to make that into a fact subconsciously.

Because then you can find facts in the environment to support it. This person didn't text you back. That person texted. Yeah. It's like our operating systems go on the fritz.

Exactly. So I will either then start to go back in my memories and recreate false memories of when people didn't love me or care about me, or I could sit right here and you and I can have a completely different reality where you think we're having a very good conversation, we're getting to know each other, and I'm thinking, the way she's nodding her head at me, she's being so condescending. And that could become my reality. And then if you tell me that's not the case, I'll say, well, you're gaslighting me. Of course you would gaslight me because you think I'm stupid. No, I'm projecting because I deep down think something. One time my dad called me stupid. Now I'm projecting on you and I'm saying you think I'm stupid. You don't think anything. I think that. And that's where it always goes back. So you give yourself grace. Once you realize with the logical state, okay, this is just in my head. It's not real. The next morning I woke up and you just started talking nicely to yourself. You say, I said, you know, it didn't work out with me and that guy. I explained to him what happened. He didn't want to try again. Literally his loss. And I was like, I'm lovable. Everyone loves me.

They do.

And then I walk around and I feel loved.

It's like positive affirmations and checking your stories. Yeah, that's it.

But people don't realize. They think it has to do with manifesting. Oh yeah, positive affirmation manifests. No, it's science. It's your brain.

Your brain is scientific. Especially hormones. Hormones can get you— think about PMS when I first started getting my period, but it was like I would automatically, like 3 days before— it takes, and it takes years and years because you actually think the thoughts you're having before your period are real, that I'm a terrible person, everything I believe to be true about me is wrong, everyone— whatever your thing is— hates me, I'm not enough, I'm stupid. And then all of a sudden you get your period, you're like, oh, it's my period. But that happens for so many years, and like, oh shit, I got my period, everything's fine. Every month you You think that we would learn? But I do that. I've convinced myself like everything's shit. I'm like, oh God, thank God. I wish there was some kind of PSA we could tell like young women, like, you're going to feel this way on the 25th day right before your period. It's going to happen. Well, when you're freezing your eggs, there's even more hormones in your body. So you're mimicking PMS times like 100. So my heart goes out to you. I'm sorry. That sounds really freaking painful. But now you've got some eggs, right?

Yes, I froze 20 eggs.

Okay, good. One less thing to worry about. Yeah, you did it, girl. Stay tuned because after the break, Violet takes the Sex IQ quiz and helps me answer a listener question.

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I just wrote this book, Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure. I sent you a copy last night. I'm very, very, very excited about this book because it's basically, as you know, all the years that I've been doing this work for, you know, working with millions of people over the years, I realize that without a strong foundation of understanding these pillars of sexual health, we're not going to have the sex life and pleasure we deserve. Because I started writing the book and, you know, I have a million tips. We've been talking for years, but I was like, What's the organizing principle about it? Like, what do we actually need to know? So I organized into these 5 principles that are going to help people feel smarter sexually or just feel like they can be on top of it. So I created this quiz and no one's taken the quiz yet.

Oh my gosh. I'm so excited.

You're going to be the first person to take the quiz and everyone can take the quiz. There's just like 15 questions. For each question, I want you to answer strongly disagree, disagree, neither agree nor disagree, or agree, or strongly agree. I can even show it to you as we're going. These are your options, right? You're gonna say either I strongly disagree, disagree, neither, agree.

Okay, okay, ready? Agree.

And just like, don't even overthink it, like, just see what comes to you. Okay, ready? During sex, I'm able to be present and focus on enjoying my body sensations and notice what does or doesn't feel good.

Strongly agree.

Nice. I masturbate regularly and have a good understanding of how to give myself an orgasm.

Strongly agree.

Winning.

She taught We talked.

I enjoy and feel comfortable both giving and receiving oral sex.

Disagree.

I've experimented with incorporating sex toys into my sexual repertoire.

Strongly agree.

I even brought you more today. I know what turns me on and how I want to feel during sex, whether it's being worshiped or in charge or even something like being disrespected or degraded.

Strongly agree.

Great. Okay.

Wow. Okay. I didn't— I wasn't expecting— I'm actually surprised with myself. I wasn't expecting to be so on top of it.

Yeah, I feel like you are really, really aware. Your score is a 69, believe it or not.

Hell yeah.

Out of 75.

I love that.

Now I want to explain to somebody with these pillars, you're never like, it's not like you're dumb sexually or you have a lot of work. Not you, anyone taking the quiz. We all have these pillars that we need to work on in our lifetime. Like sometimes we'll feel stronger in others and sometimes we'll feel like one area. I feel really great in my body, but maybe I'm not communicating as well with a partner right now. So I just want everyone to know that this— it's important to take this quiz throughout your lifetime because it's going to help people right now.

And I think the big, the big most— the best thing about you and why I think everyone should buy this book, and we're going to talk about also on my podcast for the Sex IQ, is the fact that foreplay— you are so adamant about the fact that foreplay starts outside the bedroom, and a lot of people don't realize that. And that's what you helped to teach me. So if I would have taken this quiz, let's say when we met 3 years ago, a lot of those would have been disagree, including loving my body and all of that, or be comfortable about what turns me on and all those things that would have been so focused on the male gaze, because that's what we talked about our first conversation with my ex-boyfriend. So now I came here with all saying strongly agree to all these questions because I have people like you in my life, because I got to work on myself, because I masturbated and learn more about myself, because now I know what I like, what I don't like, and I don't feel shame around it. But even now, after working so much on myself, One of those questions I still said disagree.

Yeah, that was the oral sex one, which we can go back to. But I want to tell you that I'm getting a little bit emotional because I know that— well, no, in a good way, because we first met 4 years ago. Yeah, we were sitting there to your podcast and it started out and you were like, you really hadn't done a lot of this work yet because most people don't about your body. And I think you started out asking about— you just watched porn.

You watched— yes, she came on my podcast when it used to be called Too Tired to Be Crazy. And all my questions were about how to give the best head to a man, how to do this to make the man happy, have a lot. And she goes, Wait, what about our pleasure? And I'm like, oh, well, yeah, yeah. And, you know, because you see, you were in a culture when we focus so much on porn and the male pleasure, we don't even think of ourselves, you know. If I mean, if I come, then yeah, I come, whatever. It's, you know, best day ever. But it's not, it's not necessary.

And as long as he came, we were happy, but we didn't know about it. So I love your journey here, Violet.

Yeah. Like the first time I had anal, I wasn't ready for it, but my boyfriend wanted to do it right, you know. Now I would never do that. Now I'm into anal because I want to do it.

Exactly. We don't just roll over and do the anal. We don't go from zero to anal if it's not our jam. Well, I can read you what these meant, what your score meant real quickly. You're in control of your sexuality and are deeply in tune with your body. This helps you be more present in the moment during sex. You likely prioritize your own pleasure as well as your mental and physical health and feel comfortable expressing your needs in and out of the bedroom. You're also attuned to your partner's wants and needs. To evolve your sex IQ even more, perhaps consider trying a new kink, position, or roleplay fantasy. There's always more ways to explore. And for everyone listening, if you want to take the sex IQ quiz, go to sexwithemily.com/book. The full quiz is 15 questions. If you want to learn how to boost your sex IQ, be sure to preorder a copy of Smart Sex. Comes out June 13th. But if you preorder now, you'll get the quiz right away. You did awesome.

Yay!

Yay, Violet! If you want to get into oral sex, we can talk about that. But we also have a question I want you to help me answer from a listener.

Let's do the listener question first, then we'll get into the oral sex.

Okay, cool. This is from Mia. She's 45 in Tokyo. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been in long-term relationships with women and have always identified as lesbian or pansexual. After a breakup with a long-term relationship with a woman during the pandemic, I took a break from relationships until I felt I was ready to date again this year. I started dating apps for lesbians or women only and inclusive to all genders. The most surprising thing was that I got attracted to a cisgender man who knew about my past relationships with women. It was a summer fling because I thought our values did not match, but what I really missed about him is the physical intimacy. We haven't been in contact for 2 months, and I'm not sure if I should just make the first move. He just moved to Tokyo, and I think he wants to explore more. How can I detach emotional attachment from physical intimacy? So far, since I started the dating app, he's the only one I've been interested in, even though I've seen a lot of red flags and do not see him as a partner. Should I make the first move just for physical intimacy? Thanks for reading this. I enjoy your podcast.

I feel like she's not hearing herself, right? She's answering her own question. She keeps saying, I've seen all the red flags. He doesn't like me. Focusing on other people. Should I reach out? I mean, I'm not into him. Should I reach out? I don't love him. Should I reach out? Are you sure? I think she's not being honest with herself. I think that's usually where it starts. We forget sometimes we're not honest with ourselves. I mean, I've seen the red flag. Just say it to yourself. I got attached. I liked how this person made me feel. I miss the feeling of how this person made me feel. Because then you'll understand, oh, wait, I don't miss the actual person because there's all these red flags and all these things that I like about him. So what do I miss? Oh, I miss maybe having a penis inside of me, or I miss a male body on top of me, or I miss the way he held me because it reminded me of being held by my father, or whatever things like that. You know what I mean? So I think then you say, okay, so now I can take those little things and I can find that in a new partner. But why would you go back? I think this is where we forget when it comes to dating. In order to make it work with someone, the other person needs to want to make it work with you as well. We always sit there and we're like, should I go back? Should I not? They don't even want you. So really, what are you asking this question for? Work on yourself to figure out why you felt this attachment to this person, because obviously there's certain things that he gave you that you really enjoyed, which is nothing wrong with that.

Yeah, exactly. I think that's all really, really good points, and it seems sort of fraught, and she's not even sure about it. So I think you made a great point too, that sometimes, you know, she says, should I make the first move just for physical intimacy? Find other people. You can— there's a lot of people to be physically intimate with.

We're not being honest with ourselves. Instead of just admitting that you still have feelings for this person, we feel shame around it. So we say, well, I mean, he 'This person sucks, and also this and this and this.' And it's in a weird way minimizes our feelings for that person. The fact that you already obviously probably asked your friends who all told you no, and now you went the extra step and you reached out to Emily with this question, hoping you'll get a different answer, that already tells me—

exactly. Come on, sometimes your friends don't know though. That is true. And we're glad they reached out. But what I totally agree with you, we've been in contact for 2 months, should I make the first move? She says, 'How can I detach emotional attachment from physical intimacy?' And I think that's challenging. It's not so binary. You can't be like, 'I'm just going to be go with this person and cut off, lobotomize my emotional attachment.

I think what we as women are doing ourselves a disservice, and we just need to be more honest with ourselves. And that doesn't mean that you still can't go around having casual sex. It does. It just means when you're honest with yourself that you know what you're getting into, and then you can set your boundaries whether or not you're comfortable with it.

So true. It's not for everybody. Some people have shame overs every time they have casual sex. They're like, why? Why?

Oh, why? I can't be like a man. You can fuck whoever you want. Or you shame your friends because they won't fuck anyone else. Well, sorry, because for me, I will cry about it for a week. I don't want to do that because then I can't focus on work.

Right. It's like self-awareness. I think we're talking a lot about self-awareness now, which is great.

And also be honest with yourself.

Exactly. Now, you recently shared an Instagram post about clinginess. I wanted to ask you about this. How do we embrace clinginess more in dating and relationships? How do you define clinginess?

Well, I think I shared that because my friend Todd Barrett came on my podcast, and he's amazing, and I love him. I love Todd. He's a friend of mine. And he's the one— yes, he loves you. And he's the one who said be more clingy. And I actually really like that because I think when we get older and we're still dating, we get so set in our ways that it's hard for us to open up and it's hard for us to add someone into our schedule and it's hard for us to not bring all of our jadedness into it. So I think we start to think because, A, we all have different definitions of what being clingy is or what being needy is and all that. And I think sometimes people want to know that you care about them. And I think sometimes we don't realize that we're not the only ones in our head in this relationship. The other person is as well. So if I'm avoiding doing my best to not be clingy, which means I'm not being myself because maybe I am a clingy person, and then A, I'm not being true to myself, but B, maybe the other person actually liked that, and then that other person thinks I don't like them. So then they take a step back. Like, I actually listened to Todd's advice, and now I usually say nothing. I don't like to— I don't really— used to not tell a partner if I like them or not, or I wouldn't reach out at all. And now I'm like, you know what? Why not be more flirty? Make them feel wanted. Make them feel like—

Exactly. It's that whole cool girl thing. Like, I'm going to be cool. I'm not going to be vulnerable. I can show them. But why not let someone know right away that you're into them?

As long as you just don't attach needing something in return, because people can only hurt you if you need something from them. And that means in any type of way in life. So for example, if I'm dating someone and I need validation back, then don't do it. But if you're doing it for them to feel good and now you feel good, that's all you needed, then do it. Like yesterday, I texted one of the guys I'm talking to and I'm like, hey cutie, hope you have a beautiful day. I wasn't thinking, well, he should text me first. I texted him because I knew that's part of, quote unquote, oh, look at me being clingy.

No.

And he tried texting with me the whole day after that. Does that mean now I'm like, well, is his turn to text me me today? And things like— no, I felt good about myself that I sent that. In my brain, I thought, wow, it's just gonna make it more obsessed with me.

Yeah, you just honored where you were at and you went with it. You didn't overthink it. Yes, you let someone know how you feel.

This other guy, I text him a picture of us and I was like, look at us, how good do we look? You know, I just kept it super chill. It's only when you need something from people is when you start to get your feelings hurt, whether you need love from someone, you need them to help you with your job promotion, you need them validation, need them to pick you up. That's when your anger— because anger and rage, it comes from what you think someone owed you that they didn't give you.

And also, you've shared with someone what you want. You gave them an opportunity to respond or not. But rather than like withholding, they don't respond in the way you want or they don't return the thing, return it, then you know, then you have more information. Like, then you're like, I like this person. I'm letting them know that. They didn't respond in a way that made me feel good. They don't owe it to me. But now I have more information. Maybe they don't feel the same way, but that's okay too. What I'm saying is being clingy, I think, also shows that you are testing this relationship. Think of how many months you could go in a relationship thinking, I'm not going to say anything. I'm going to wait to know if they like me or not. But right away you can find out.

Yeah.

Are we aligned? Because you waste a lot of freaking time playing games.

You get to find out.

The opposite of not being clingy is just playing games and playing it cool.

Exactly. And look, you will always be clingy. Needy or too much for the wrong person. But with the right person, your energy— I remember one time—

You sound like Todd. Todd's always like, be that person.

I remember one time my friend was dating this guy, and he was trying to make her feel better. And it still kills me to this day, his advice. And he goes, I mean, look, I mean, you are too clingy. Wait, wait, let me finish. You are too clingy, but you're too clingy for me. But I'm sure you're not actually a clingy person. And I was like, holy fuck, that's worse. Because he just said you're too clingy for me. But that doesn't mean that you're a clingy person. So I don't understand these shameful words where we're like, I must be too clingy, I'm too needy. That person is just not into you. You're always going to be—

What are you going to be just clingy enough for?

You're always going to be too clingy for someone that actually doesn't want to date you.

Exactly. I just think that all these signs, like, how great to know that you're not aligned with somebody. How wonderful to know that sooner than later. I think this deep fear that we are not loved. Well, you said that's big fear of not being lovable. I think that's—

was—

was— well, no, I think it's always— I think I have that. I have a fear of not being lovable, not being enough, being— yeah, I think it's a common human condition that we deep, deep down, we're afraid that we are not going to be lovable. I think that is human suffering. I do. And I think that the reason why we have all these games of dating and we want it, we don't want to, was because ultimately that we are so afraid of rejection. And that go back to the womb, like, you know, my mother didn't care for me or is going to leave me or abandon me. It's like abandonment. I believe we all variations of that fear, or you want to win.

Or the problem is you're like, well, it's playing games now with this weird dating culture where people are lonelier now more than ever. So that also tells you how much the dating culture is not working out. People are— the research shows that people are having less sex than they ever have before.

What do you think about that? Not just— it's not just you.

Yeah, it's not just me.

It's not just you, Violet. The stats are just based on you having less sex. Everyone's having that sex. Why do you think that is? What's your notion?

People are not connecting.

It's because we're not seeing you in person. We could do this on Zoom, but we didn't.

Just that. It's like you said, people, foreplay starts outside of the bedroom. This is like such an emphasis. And I think a lot of people don't realize that. They think it's just sex. No, it's communication.

Communication.

It's loving yourself and your sex IQ, all of that. And your smart sex.

That's right, baby.

It starts outside the bedroom. The conversations, what you're comfortable with, all of that. Yeah, I don't know. Dating culture, it's not working out. I think people need to start learning how to connect again. And all these games of like, well, I'm winning because I'm playing— are you really winning? Because in the end you're losing because you lost the other person or you made the other person feel like shit. When you keep playing games, you actually never end up then opening yourself up to love and to intimacy and to learning more about yourself and the other person. And you're really— you're losing. You're not winning anything when you're the one to end up being, you know, the other person likes you more. Cool. At least they still can love. At least they're still working on themselves enough. And at least they know, like, I'm so proud of myself when it doesn't work out with someone. I'm like, you know what, at least I tried. Like, I'm proud of myself that no matter how much everything I've gone through, I can still give love to people. Because, you know, sometimes people need love more than they show it. And that's why I never regret giving anyone love, because maybe they needed it more than I did.

Exactly. And love is not a finite resource. We have enough love. Yeah, it's full scarcity mentality that you can't just love. Like, let people know how you feel. They can't handle your too much, your feelings are too much for them, like, not your person. I can't emphasize that enough. I think I want to encourage people right now to take that risk. Let that person know. Send that text right now. If there's someone you've been like thinking about but you're like holding back, like, well, why? I think we're gonna— right now.

Yeah. And I've done that even with one of the last guys that it didn't work out with. I tried. And I know, like, they always come back. I always say that. And I know he's gonna come back and he's gonna regret it, but I won't regret anything because I tried and I put myself out there thinking about you, blah, blah, blah. And you know, he didn't take the bait. Did that make me feel bad about myself? Literally, no, it didn't, because I was proud of myself for putting myself out there and trying versus in the past I would just do nothing. And look, I already found someone else, other else's else's.

You got else's. So what would be your top tips right now for people who are starting to go on this journey? Like right now, dating, we're hearing people having less sex. What are your 3 tips from connection right now, more authentic dating?

3 tips. Well, A, I think it's— I would say it's very important to be comfortable with your body, and that's something that you taught me. And before you want anyone else to help you come, maybe figure out how to make yourself come. Like, I even try different positions with myself when I'm masturbating to see what helps me orgasm more. And I have— I imagine things in my brain, I fantasize, and it's— that's also how I know if I like someone, if I masturbate thinking about them.

Oh, right, that's a great tip.

So I think get comfortable with your body because is when I'm in the bedroom, regardless what weight I'm on, because I have PCOS, I'm always gaining or losing weight. Even if I'm at my heaviest, when I'm about to get naked, I get naked in front of the mirror while the guy's watching me, and I get turned on by myself. And then the guy gets turned on by me. He doesn't give a shit about where you have a stretch mark or if your left labia is more out than your right labia. Like, he doesn't— he's so excited to be there.

Staying in your power, your true confident power as a woman.

So I think, A, really get to know yourself before you start dating, because if something knocks you down super easily, it's because it was already deep down in there that needed to get healed. And then number 2, when it comes to dating, give people a chance. I think we write people off too fast now because it seems like there's so much more options, even though they're not. Whether you're swiping right or left or you're DMing someone on Instagram, someone liking your picture, Give people a chance. Don't write them off quickly because you may be writing them off because you're just scared of being vulnerable. And number 3, be vulnerable. Put yourself out there. You are meant to get rejected until you find your person. That's part of life. Like, I don't understand the whole fear. Well, what if I get rejected? Okay, what if? So what?

Then at least you tried, right? And you get stronger. It's a muscle. After a while, you're like, finally, that's how you pick yourself back up. Keep falling down, keep falling down, keep getting back up.

I don't care. I rather look back and know that I've tried with certain people than look back and be like, oh, what if? Because it's usually the what if that gets us and holds us back because we create this whole fantasy about a person of what if could have happened. If it was supposed to happen, it would have happened. Move on.

I love it. Those are great tips. Very inspiring. I love watching you on your journey, Violet Benson. This is amazing. Well, thank you so much for being here. Well, I'll ask you the 5 questions. I know I ask these to every one of our guests. Okay, you probably answered these in the past, but it changes all the time. So ready? Okay, quickie questions. What's your biggest turn-on?

Big hands.

Biggest turn-off?

When they're not obsessed with me.

What makes good sex?

Good sex makes when the two partners are really open and you're not in your head. So you're just like fucking, then having oral, then fucking again, oral, taking breaks, fucking, like a whole day marathon.

Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships?

That sex doesn't equal love.

What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

That foreplay starts outside of the bedroom. I love it.

Violet Benson, thanks for being here. Where can people find you? What are all the things?

People can find my meme account @daddyissues_ if you're into memes, dating, relationships, or you can find my podcast Almost Adulting on every Tuesday and Thursday from solo episodes to fun guests. It's the best and it's available on all platforms, Spotify, Apple, and YouTube. And you can find me, Violet Benson, on Instagram. Thanks for being here. Thank you. Bye.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter @sexwithemily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com/askemily. Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.