Oh the places you’ll “O”

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Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I am taking your questions about keeping things romantic, how to prepare for a threesome, working with a partner's anxiety during sex, and so much more. Thanks for listening.

You know, as recently as 5 years ago, solid 6-inch erection every time, no question about it. I've noticed in the last year or two, it's a lot smaller.

You want him to be a supportive partner and he doesn't know what that looks like until you tell him and you name it and explain it to him. And you can say you talked to me about it. Blame me. Because I'm telling you what I do know about your single mom girlfriend is that she's exhausted and she's tired. Maybe she's still breastfeeding. We all need that period right before the sex where we feel more connected to our body. Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

'Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding? Oh my God, it feels so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So today I'm answering your questions. So some of you called into my SiriusXM show. Some of you emailed me feedback@sexwithemily.com. Some of you message me on Instagram, which is also Sex with Emily Morse. We get so many questions, so I love to go through all the different platforms because however you reach me, I'm here to help you get the answers to your questions about sex, dating, and relationships. All right, today's episode, we cover a lot of topics. I talked to a few people who want to experience some kind of alternative relationship. They want to open up their relationship. So for example, one man wants to have a threesome, another man's partner wants to watch him have sex with someone else. So just remember this, however you open your relationship up, whatever that looks like to you, it is so important to communicate your expectations clearly. Later in the show, I talked to my content coordinator, Amanda, who you've heard from on previous episodes. This is how these days of quarantine, I'm learning about my team. During the show. And she wants to know, how do you work through anxiety that you have in the bedroom? Maybe your partner has it. I mean, come on, let's be honest. We've all had a little anxiety. I mean, do you ever feel the pressure to perform? Or maybe you're just really distracted, right? Normal daily stressors. You find yourself having sex and then you're thinking about the text you didn't respond to or something you have to do after or someone at the door. How do we stay present? For ourselves and our partner. Also, we cover multiple orgasms because who doesn't want to talk about that? I don't know. I feel like for, especially for a lot of women, we think, well, I at least could have one orgasm, or I've never had multiple orgasms, but it's not possible. Well, you know what I think? I think everything's possible. If you prioritize it and you focus on it, we can make it happen. That's what I'm all about. And I want to mention one more thing. Since you're going to hear all these questions answered, you know, there's a lot of ways to reach me. But if you guys want to call in Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 PM Pacific, You can call into my show even if you don't have SiriusXM. The number, write this down, you're gonna want it, is 888-947-8277. It's 5 to 7 PM Pacific Monday through Friday. I'm there for you. Doctor's in. We can talk, 'cause you know I love talking to all of you. I hope you guys enjoy the show. Thanks for listening. This is from Jordan, 26, in Colorado. And he said, I'm in a new relationship with a woman who has a 9-month-old son. How do I maintain a romantic setting while still spending time with her son? Again, this is communication. Jordan, you don't have to guess what this mother of a new child— 9 months isn't that long to have had a child— what she needs to feel sexy. Now, you might think the kid's sleeping and I'm going to bring out the candles and make this thing. And she might be like, I can't have sex with my kids napping because I'm worried about all these other things. You're asking how do we maintain a romantic setting while still spending time with our son? I mean, if you're talking about when the kid's actually napping, maybe you could— I'm sure as a new single mom, she's gonna need a back rub. She would love if you were like, you know what? I just wanna massage your feet. I'm gonna use some of this massage oil. Get something fun, like make her a little gift basket. We have this Xsens, it's called, it's called Xsens, and it is the most glorious massage oil. That is like so soft, but it's not actually oil. So you don't get oily. I don't know. It's like magic, but they have all these flavors and scents. It's like in a beautiful bottle. And you can be like, I brought over some things to give you a massage to relax you because I'm telling you what I do know about your single mom girlfriend is that she's exhausted and she's tired. Maybe she's still breastfeeding. And like I was just talking to Amanda about, we all need that. Many of us, need that period right before the sex where we feel more connected to our body, where we can kind of breathe. And so I think romance to you, Jordan, with a new mother is likely giving her the tools to feel in her body and taken care of, cuz she's taking care of a baby all day long. So that's my recommendation. Don't know her, but I feel like if a guy showed up at my house and he is like, I've got all the massage tools. Here's some delicious massage oil. Have a seat there. I'm going to rub your back. And I'm going to get a warm washcloth and I'm going to put it over your body, wash your feet, and then I'm going to put massage— I like foot massage, but I will take any massage. So, I think it's a matter of letting her know that you are so into the romance and the hotness and all that, and you want to make sure she has a good experience when you're together. We have— this is from Kaylee, 21, in South Dakota. Listening to your episode on BDSM and brought up bondage to my longtime partner. He then said he'd like to be tied up and for me to do whatever to him. I have no idea what kind of stuff to do to him or how to be even sexy while dominating. So my question is, what are some appropriate things to do to him while exploring new things? Okay, when our partner makes a sexual request where we're like, I don't know what to do here, how do I dominate? What does that look like? Just know that, A, it's okay that you don't know because how would you know? And B, it's okay to go back for clarifying question, right? I think that sometimes we're so afraid when we make a request to our partner or your partner says something to us sexually, we're like, okay, got it. And then we turn away. We're like, now what? It's okay to go back and say, you know what, sweetie, I, I heard what you said about me wanting to dominate you. And I would love to hear more about that. Can you tell me what that would look like? Maybe he's got some porn that he's watched. He has like a scene and he's like, this scene turns me on. And then you'll know where to go. We don't have to mind readers because when he says tied up and do whatever to him, tied up and spank him, tied up and blindfold him, like tied up and leave him for an hour, tied up and tickle him. It's literally different for everybody. And so I think that the good news is like tying up, like you could use a necktie, you could buy bondage gear. You don't need a lot of fancy things, but you need to know like how, and also how dominant does he want you to be? Really dominant? Does he want you to like be like, you are my slave? Is there language? I would find out what's the scenario? What's the scene? Like the who, what, where, when, why. Like, what are you wearing? Where are you? What's he saying? When does it happen? Like, give you a storyline. Talking about fantasies, we make it very difficult. We just kind of lay it out there. But if we can give context to our partner and be like, okay, who— it's with me and you— like, when— you could either tell them when you want it to happen, or like, oh, when could also be, well, I first had this fantasy because I was watching a porn, or my friend told me about it, you know. Where— paint the scenario, you know. Why— you know, maybe he say to you, or if you're explaining to your partner, the why could be that this is— this fantasy is part of my fundamental developmental arousal. This is the image I think about that turns me on, and I would love to be with a partner who could help me fulfill it. And I think it would be really hot. And tell me your fantasy. So find out more about what he wants, and then we can talk about it. But I don't think you have to guess. I think it's already— can be uncomfortable trying new things. So It's okay to ask in a loving way, just like, oh my God, I'm so— that sounds super hot, tell me more. And then hopefully, Kelly, you'll be able to tell him some of your fantasies. How great when we're, when we're all getting our needs met, right? This is from David, 35, in Washington. I've been single for 7 years. The past 3, I've been actively looking for someone for a serious relationship, but I've had a lot of trouble. I'm a single full-time dad and have been through a lot and know what I'm looking for. But when I talk to women about what I want and how I am in a relationship and how I'm up to doing things that are more open and and adventurous. Happy Alternative August with my partner, which has only turned into being badgered about how I'm not ready for a real woman or attachment. I'm at a loss. I'm not one to lead into a relationship without having everything out on the table. Advice, please. All right, David, I love that you're speaking up ahead of time and letting these women know what you actually want, but I can kind of see where the problem is here. So he's thinking I'm saying open and adventurous, and they should be like, wow, tell me more. What kind of adventures? Let's go be open. Let's go swing. No. Do you know what they're thinking? They're going, they're calling their friends and going, this dude David wants to be open and adventurous. He wants an orgy. He wants threesomes. He wants to sleep with 6 women at one time. That's what they're hearing. I'm guessing. This is why I always talk about really breaking down your communication, that just stating what you want is a great first step. Because so many of us, we start a new relationship, we never explain what we want. We kind of like, we just sort of pretend we want what they want, but we don't tell them that we actually have a really adventurous side and we might be dating other people and we just keep it quiet and then we suffer silently. So you are not doing that, David. That was a great first step. The next step is going to be Letting them know what you mean by that. And I wouldn't even use, I'm gonna have to put words in your mouth here, but I wouldn't even mean open and adventurous. I, I mean, I think I wouldn't even lead with that. What I might say, let's just pretend this is, was David's intent. He's dating a new woman. He's a single dad. He can't wait to have a serious relationship. He said he's looking for a serious relationship, like he wants that. So he leads with this. I've really been looking for someone, you know, what I want right now is a serious relationship. I'm not looking for a mother of my child, but I'm looking for someone that I could commit to. I'm not totally ready to move in together yet, but I'd really like to be with one person. I also want to be with somebody who shares my values on sex. What's really important to me in my sexuality is to be with someone who is open to exploring. Someone who's more adventurous. Somebody who likes to try toys. Someone who will watch porn with me. Somebody who, I don't know, maybe you want a threesome. Somebody who I've, in the past, I've had threesomes and that's been a big part of my ability to get aroused. I think it'd be hot to see you with another woman. I mean, break this down because we sometimes give each other, we think we're saying it, then we walk away. And since we don't understand things, we just, we go, it goes awry and our partner it gets confused. So I think clarifying what adventures means to you is really going to help you, David. Okay, David, I am so excited for our caller right now. Jim, we had a call a few weeks ago from Jim, 61, in Colorado. We were on the edge of our seat because Jim called in. He'd been dating someone casually and they were like, it was going, you know, just every once in a while, friends with benefits. And then he got a call that she was pregnant. And he didn't know what to do. Should he keep— does he want a baby? He's 61. He's already lived a life without wanting kids. And she's casual relationship. And that was like weeks ago. And now he's here on the phone. Jim, tell us everything.

You have a really good memory, Dr. Emily Morse. Thanks.

Of course, Jim, I can't stop thinking about you.

It ended up working out for what I think is the best.

Okay.

There never was a baby at all. Turns out that, uh, the lady had been undergoing hormone therapy for infertility, uh, which I didn't know about, and this is a false positive.

Oh, oh gosh. So did she tell you that night?

Uh, no, she, uh, she told me about, uh, about another half week after I talked to you. Um, And I was on pins and needles the entire time, but, uh, so were we. Where I'm relieved, she was a little upset. And, uh, uh, I get that. I didn't know she'd been undergoing that kind of treatment and everything. It turned out before we had gotten back together in our casual thing, she'd been planning to marry somebody else. So I, I have a feeling that, uh, because where all that started. So for me, the, uh, the situation turned out, you know, for the best. I love babies, love little kids. I just— I, I think it's unfortunately probably passed me by.

Yeah, yeah. At 61, you know, you get to decide that you're not ready to be a father. You've already decided it, you know. So, so you're saying before you were together, she was with somebody who wanted kids, and so she was going through fertility treatment?

Uh, she was, uh, she was getting ready to get married and then, uh, then they broke up and, uh, and we kind of got back together with our—

Yeah, she got it. So are you— so are you guys still friends with benefits?

Uh, we're still friends. Uh, she's, uh, in another state and I'm here in Colorado, so not sure, um, you know, if we'll have any more contacts. But, uh, but you know, when we talked, it was, it was, uh, on nice terms. Uh, You know, she wasn't, she wasn't mad or anything. She was just, you know, upset.

Uh, yeah, because she thought she had a baby.

Yeah. And with me, so I think it was kind of, kind of okay the way it went.

Yeah, no, it sounds like you— how did you feel right after you found out?

Uh, definitely relieved, you know. Uh, like I said, I love little ones, but, uh, this situation, since we hadn't been an actual couple couple I don't think probably would have worked out really well.

Yeah, okay, well, that's— I'm so, I'm so glad. So now you get to, uh— and also, if you do have sex with her again, obviously condoms.

I'm shitty, you bet. Absolutely.

Like, thanks, Jim. We were thinking about you. We were like— that was that call. We were all just on the edge of our— we were like literally hanging on to every word. We want to know what happened. I'm so glad you called back. No, we were just, you know— yeah, I mean, and then how do you feel about the fact that she didn't tell you she was trying to have a kid?

Well, that, that's, that's kind of, I'm kind of, uh, not decided how I really feel about that. I mean, I don't feel like she deliberately lied to me or anything, but, uh, uh, but I, I kind of wish I would have known. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I mean, she allowed you to ejaculate inside of her while she's going through fertility treatment. So to me, that is a sign.

Yeah, but again, again, I should have been smarter and, and, you know, uh, put it on anyway. So, uh, so still—

now you will.

Wow.

Yeah, now I will for sure. And I do have another question, Dr. Emily, uh, about, uh, my penis itself. Uh, it used to be, uh, you know, as recently as 5 years ago Solid 6-inch erection every time, no question about it. And, uh, I've noticed in the last year or two it's a lot smaller. And I'm just wondering if I should see a urologist. Is that some kind of physical problem, or is it a natural thing?

Or you mean it's— do you mean that your erections— when you mean that when you're erect it appears smaller?

A lot smaller, yeah.

Is it less hard?

Uh, seems to have the same hardness, they're just shorter.

Huh.

I mean, I, I have to think, I mean, most the stuff that happens with our penis— not my penis or your penis, but our penises, if we call the collective penis— after, after we, um, you know, after a certain age, you know, men's testosterone starts to drop. But have you, you know, I would think it would have something to do with that, and I would definitely talk to a urologist and see that. Now, how do you know? Do you measure it? You can just tell.

I did several years ago once, and, uh, it, uh, you know, was, uh, was right up there. And, you know, always seemed to— well, obviously it still functions, but yeah.

Well, you know, the penis does get smaller. Your testicles, you know, get a little bit smaller. They sort of shrink. And it also has to do with the blood flow. This— listen, this is all blood flow. It's the blood flow to your penis, to your testicles, and it's all going to make your erections less strong, less erect. So, there are some really cool treatments right now. I mean, if you're interested, I am a fan of all this technology that's come out now for penises and vaginas and vulvas. There's one called Gainswave, and then there's another one called Boston Scientific, and they are these stimulations. You basically go see a doc. I've done a bunch of podcasts on this with Dr. Edward Karpman. You can go to my web— or go, if you listen to podcasts, or just Karpman, K-A-R-P-M-A-N. Karpman. He talks about these practices that you would go in for like 6 treatments, and essentially they do like a laser to your penis. It doesn't hurt, but it actually just starts to stimulate blood flow again, and it can help men with erectile challenges. It's pretty, it's pretty amazing, you know. Yeah, so I think it's a blood flow thing.

So yeah, I haven't had a problem, you know, getting the erection. It's just like I say, smaller. So Okay, that sounds like a good idea.

Yeah, do that. Check it out. There's a lot of really cool stuff right now and you don't need to take pills or anything, you know?

Good deal.

All right, well, thanks, Emily. I really appreciate it.

Yeah, of course. Thanks, Jim. Thanks for checking back in. I love that. I love a man who checks back in.

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Okay, this is from a 27-year-old female on Instagram. What's the best way to have multiple orgasms? The best way to do it is to first decide that you want to do it, because the good news about having a vulva is that the majority of us who have one— and some people know it as the vagina, but the vulva is the external part of the vagina— we can have multiple orgasms. It is possible. In fact, our clitoris, which is responsible for majority of our orgasms, only exists for pleasure. It's only there. It has 8,000 nerve endings. The penis has 4,000, and it's only there to give you pleasure, which is pretty freaking cool when you look at like biology and how we've evolved. But the challenge is no one ever gave us an instruction manual and was like, hey, you've got this love button and you can ride it all day. You're like, really? I didn't know that. I just have one orgasm and I'm tired. So learning to have multiple orgasms, like it, I, I believe that many women can. Now there's some women that can't. There's a few reasons why, like women whose clitorises are really sensitive. Sensitive typically can only have like really big internal orgasms. But I'm just going to go with the majority of women that can have multiples for this purpose and the time we have. Let's just talk about during masturbation because that's how I learned. Like, I feel like so many of the ways that I've learned my body and I've learned how to become a better lover is by, is by learning to become a better one to myself. So I was like you, I only had one orgasm and I was fine that I finally had one. And then I was like, okay, And so, what you do is you really just turn yourself on, you masturbate how you always masturbate, touch yourself, maybe you have one orgasm, and then usually when you would stop after that orgasm, you kind of pull your fingers away, maybe you start playing with your nipples, using your hands all over your body, rubbing your inner thighs, you know, just sort of taking away right from the clitoris or wherever you were rubbing. And then, you start to breathe at the same time. And I'm talking like a deep breath where you're like, like way down to your pelvic floor. Like you're feeling it go there. And then you have a long exhale, like those deep breaths. And then you can go back and start playing into, maybe you're mixing up the way you were touching. Maybe you, if you're using a vibrator, use it a different part. Maybe you start to tease your labia because it's not just about the clitoris. Women have the ability to have orgasms in so many different ways. Like there's a lot of other erectile tissue that you find in the labia and near over your pubic mound, which is right above your vaginal opening. So, it's just a practice of knowing that it's possible and then breathing. And so, because our refractory period, meaning the time between orgasms for women is a lot shorter. Like for men, it can be like 24 hours. For women, it can be 30 seconds or a few minutes when you're learning to practice. The other tip, and then we're gonna take a quick call, is doing your Kegel exercises. You strengthen your pelvic floor muscles. Those are the muscles that are responsible for orgasms. The stronger those muscles are, the more likely you'll be able to have orgasms and multiple orgasms. Okay, let's talk to T43 in Arkansas. Hi T, we have a few minutes. What's going on? Thanks for calling.

Hey, I'm so glad you got, got me on real quick. Been married for a long time, and but my spouse just never really is interested in trying to, you know, climax. I don't know that it's, you know, I mean, it's still like get excited, she'll get, you know, into it, but it's like, oh, just got to stop before we get there.

Like, has she ever had an orgasm before?

I'm not exactly sure. Oh, I don't think so.

So it's not like she was having them and now she's stopping herself. We don't even know if she's had one, right?

And that's the thing, I don't, I don't know that she ever has.

Okay, well then that's the thing. So she doesn't know what it feels like to have one. She's probably feeling pressure. I would have a real honest conversation with her, T. About your sex life outside the bedroom when you're hanging out, whenever you have conversations and you want to keep it curious and you want to keep it light and supportive and just say, you know, I want to talk about our intimate life, and I really, I think it would be really hot to see you, you know, have an orgasm and to really turn you on. I want to make sure I'm doing everything to get you there. Can you tell me what really arouses you, what turns you on? You know, and she might say, I'm not talking about this, it's been 20 years, why are you asking me now? You know, and you're like, well, because it's important. We have to be intimate, you know, intimacy is important. And then you could say like, I'd love to make you orgasm. And then you could ask her if she's had an orgasm, and you just keep very curious and non-judgmental and see what she says. You know, I mean, a lot of women have never had one because they assume they're gonna have it through penetration, but most women don't have it through a penis. They have it through masturbation or through oral sex or through fingers or a toy.

Yeah, well, and she's really, you know, opened up more for the oral you know, then okay, awesome. And so, I mean, she's good with that. And even of late, in the last— I'd say of late, last year— is she'll say, you know, hey, do this or do that, that really feels good, you know. So it's like there has been some progress, but it's just— I just have always— and we've always had a good relationship, but it's always just kind of strange to me. I'm like, man, why do you not really want to try to get there?

Well, maybe she's never had one and she feels pressure. Like, all of a sudden, maybe she feels like she's about to and she stops. That's something that women do sometimes. We like, oh, block ourselves. So maybe you could say, I'll be here all night. I'll do whatever you want. Like, I want to see you orgasm. Like, let's get you there. Like, I think it would be really hot because maybe she's like— some women feel like they have to pee and then they get embarrassed. And it's like, because you're stimulating the same area. So you just got to maybe calm her nerves and tell her you think it'd be fun to kind of get there together. Like kind of relax her nerves around it, because if she's stopping, there must be a reason, and I'm not sure what it is.

Yeah, well, and it could, could be— I mean, it really could be the, um, you know, just the fear of the unknown. Someone—

yes, it's a losing control, you know. You lose control when you have an orgasm. You like kind of let go, and you're like, oh my God. And maybe she's afraid of that.

Maybe she orgasmed once and probably no truth to that. Yeah. I think there's probably real truth to that. Well, that's very interesting. I appreciate the, uh, appreciate the advice. And, uh, hopefully maybe I can have that conversation at a time.

Yeah.

Feels comfortable about it.

Cause that's the thing, even talking about it, I don't want her to feel more attacked.

Of course. You've got to keep telling her how much you love her, how important it is. Call me back, T. I'm here every night. Let me know how it goes. I can help you take the next steps with this. Okay. You'll get there. Just be comforting and loving. That's what we got to do. Okay. Let's talk to Brian, 35, in Canada. Hey Brian, thanks for holding and thanks for calling.

I have been, uh, with this, uh, guy, a gentleman, for like a year. Okay. And, uh, he, he, other day he asked me if he could share me with other guys.

Hmm, okay.

And, uh, I was depending because I've been gay since I was about 12 years old, so I've been— so as a younger person I was a quite promiscuous and I slept with a lot of different men, so the fact that she's sleeping with different men doesn't bother me, but I don't know, like our relationship's fairly solid. I just was curious about your opinion.

Well, you know, Brian, it's so interesting. Like, my opinion is like, it's okay if you don't, you know, if you're not feeling it. But my opinion is, was he asking for like a threesome? Like he wants to have a threesome with another guy? No, no, he wants me to have sex with his friends while he watches. Okay, got it. He wants to watch you. Alright, so, so my thing is that with everything, I know many things can work in relationships as long as you're both on the same page, right? So, so people are like, oh, can I get a part of it? So if you're, if you're not feeling it, you know, there should be no pressure. Now you might want to ask for clarification, or maybe you could say, tell me more about that, or where does the fantasy come from, what do you picture in your mind about it, you know, and then you could listen We can get into more details, but if it's a hell no to you, I say it's a no. We've got to think about it. Are you like a maybe? For relationships, let me just, before you answer, before you bring anyone else into the relationship, however else you do it, I always recommend that couples have a lot of conversations about it and set some boundaries and some ground rules and really think about and talk about why you're doing it, what turns you on about it before you just jump right into it.

Yeah, but yeah, because for example, I have personally— I have no problem with it. I just don't like if it's just once in a while, whatever. But, uh, I said, well, fine, you can bring somebody in and you can watch them screw me, whatever, have sex with me, whatever. Uh, that's no problem. But then, like, he's indicating that he wants to do it, uh, 3 times a week, and that's fine with me. I am a very sexual person and I like it. And but I just We had this, we talked about it and he says this turns him on to watch you do it.

All right. Well, let me tell you this, 3 times a week, first off, and then that seems like a lot before you've even done it once. So to me, the fact that it's such an escalate, like that seems like, I mean, I don't know, especially because, you know, I feel like with everything we go baby steps, right? Especially with sex. So I'm wondering, I mean, how many times a week are you having sex, right?

I don't know. Well, him and I have sex like twice a day usually.

Oh wow, after a year. Okay, so maybe statistically speaking, it's just a drop in the bucket. But how would you— I mean, if it's something you're interested in, you could try it once and see how you feel, but I wouldn't set expectations. That's the only thing is saying, not only do I want this, take a step out with you and try this new fantasy, but it must be 3 times a week. You know, that's interesting to me.

Yeah, it was just a number he threw out there. And I said, well, sure, I guess I would try that, you know, and But yeah, like I said, I'm a very sexual person and I'll take it whenever I can or how many times I can. That doesn't bother me.

Okay, so I have a question for you. Are you the one initiating sex every day, twice a day?

Oh no, uh, no, usually it's, it's, it's, it's shared. Like, for example, I'll go have a shower and he'll join me and we'll have sex kind of thing.

Okay.

And then sometimes, and then usually once when I do it I will be after dinner or something and I'll put on some sexy panties and some sexy lingerie or something and entice him to have sex again with me.

Okay, well, here's what came up for me. I mean, maybe it's a lot for him and he's like, I want you to do it with someone else 3 times a week because maybe it's a lot of sex for him twice a day. So maybe he's like, yeah, I can't. Yeah, I would get curious. This is my best advice for everybody with this sex stuff. It's like, get curious. Tell him to tell you more about it. Has he been fantasizing about this for a while? Ask him where it came from and find out if it's— what that's about, because that just seems— it might be like a numbers game. He might just be like, I'm exhausted. And I don't know, I don't know your boyfriend, but I would, I would just get clear before you bring anyone else in and then make sure you guys are both on the same page, because this is not something you want to rush into or feel pressured into.

Yeah, that's right. Okay, but for example, I could have sex like 10 times a day and enjoy it. I love sex.

Okay, so then is this a problem? Then what? Then is there a— so then what is your concern then? I mean, I guess you could try it once, but I don't like the you have to do it 3 times a day thing. So that's why I'm saying, well, listen, you guys, when it comes to sex, think about it this way. You want it to be either a hell yes, and if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no. You don't want to be pressured into anything sexually, okay? Um, you really don't. So we only have a few more minutes. Let's take Jeff in Michigan. He's got a question he's been holding. What's going on? How can I help you?

Hi, I just got a question for you. We're having, uh, we've been thinking about having a threesome. She's bisexual and it's our first one. We've been together for 7 years and just want to get some advice on that and where to go to do that. She wants to be with another female and I like to be the submissive in that one, that they tell me what to do.

Nice. Um, okay, well, Jeff, have you guys already like played through the scenarios and what you, what you would be into? Sounds like you have. So, I mean, before— so you're just asking me where to get a third. Is that your question? Are you— do you want to know?

And when, you know, and she's, you know, and we just want to be safe about it.

Yeah.

And where we can go for that. And I mean, we're very— sex is amazing.

Yeah.

We've been together 7 years.

That's great.

I mean, I love that you guys are having great sex. I mean, honestly, before I bring anyone else into the bedroom, you got to have like conversations about it. What does it look like? You want it to be consensual? Are there boundaries? Are there things off limits? Is it someone you know, someone you don't know? Can they sleep over? Can they not? And so I think it's important to kind of talk these things through first. And, and there are some great—

we have talked about that, you know.

We can also put this in the show notes at sexwithemily.com. There's a few sites that we recommend to people to find a third, but I would go slow, do some Zoom chats, you know, find out someone that you're— it's important that you're both attracted to the person, you know. And, and I agree, you got to be safe, you got to use protection, and you could get a hotel room you know, meet for a drink first, see if this is someone you actually like. You know, for many couples, this can be an enhancement, but for couples who don't cover all the boundaries and ground rules, it can be, you know, when they're doing it to save their sex life, it doesn't work.

And I tell her, you know, and we've been together for 6, 7 years, and like I said, what turns me on is the fact that, that I want them to tell me what to do, and because it turns me on to see her with it. She gets very turned on with it.

Is she into dominating you with the woman?

Oh yeah.

Oh good. So, Jeff, I mean, listen, sounds like you have the same fantasies. She's not saying, I want to bring a woman, you dominate both of us. So this sounds good to me, Jeff. I'm gonna put some stuff in the show notes at sexwithemily.com if you want to check out websites. Don't go anywhere, we've got so much more to talk about after this break. This is from Sarah, 23, New York. Hey, I'm a 23-year-old girl with double A cups. I keep seeing posts that boob size doesn't matter, but I'm having trouble getting that through my head, and it definitely affects my confidence in intimate situations. How can I feel confident and sexy in the bedroom with my super flat chest? All right, Sarah, thanks for this question because, you know, I get it. You don't see, you know, culture, society glorifying smaller breasts. We're never told, like, from a young age, like, "Oh, big boobs," and all that stuff. But here's the thing about confidence is just remember it is a— I love that you're asking this at 23 because it is a process and it takes time to learn to accept our bodies and love our bodies. And I can tell you, I don't have a large— I'm a small-breasted woman. For my sexual confidence, what really helped me was understanding like what felt good to me. So when I was with someone intimately, like I felt confident in my ability to move in certain ways that felt good. Like through masturbation, I learned about orgasm and I learned about pleasure. And so I feel like that confidence truly is— and this, I don't wanna sound cliché, but that really is like the sexiest thing in the bedroom because somebody who is confident and knows their bodies and what feels good and knows how to give themselves pleasure and others pleasure, like that is sexy. So, well, I can't get you to say like you should just love your body. There's a certain amount of body acceptance that, that I like to preach. And that's, there's some things, you know, we've talked about like exposure exercises, like getting naked in your bedroom and looking at your body and touching yourself all over and realizing like how magical your body is and how much pleasure you can give yourself. you know, maybe you can have a nipple orgasm. Like most, I think that many of us can, but we don't know because we never try it out. And also, just know that this whole notion that only like your partners want to be with— that everyone is craving large breasts, I can tell you, just not true. Now, maybe I haven't been with those guys because they just wouldn't be attracted to me, but like, I don't spend my time worrying about the people that aren't attracted to me. I spend my time worrying about the people that I'm attracted to and return that. They return that attraction. And we could spend— like, I'm not a tall person, I'm petite, I have smaller breasts. You know, it's like I could spend a lot of time on those negatives, but just like everything in life, when we focus on our— literally our assets and the things that just make us who we are uniquely, and all the pleasure and erogenous zones and all those things. So I think the first thing, realizing like it is in your head, maybe you were shamed, right? Maybe someone said, oh, I couldn't be with you. And then I would just say like, Even though that might hurt, that's not your person, and you will find someone who is your person. Again, it's progress, not perfection, and keep working on yourself and not making apologies and not saying, "I know they're small," and just like learning to say, "You know what? I like my body. This is what my body can do," and getting into your pleasure and rejecting the people that aren't for you. People show you who they are. Believe them. So tell me what's going on, Amanda.

Yeah, so we've talked a little bit about what to do when you experience anxiety during sex, specifically when you're just in your own head and you're not really in the moment. And I would love to kind of learn more about those tips, but also know how to communicate that you have anxiety to your partner so they know what to do. One of the issues that I've been struggling with is that I can take— I can try to take care of myself, but I, like, my partner's like confused by my anxiety or he doesn't know what to do and he wants to help or he takes it personally. So I would love to develop some tools so we can like both work together to help all that.

Yeah, that's such a great question, Amanda. So can I ask you a few questions about your anxiety? Do you happen to know when you experience anxiety, is it before, during, or after all of it, throughout all of it?

I have anxiety throughout the day sometimes, just depending on like how much caffeine I've had or what's going on in life. But then it typically like, it comes up during sex, like it'll come up like a, like just suddenly I'll start thinking about things that have nothing to do with the moment.

What are the thoughts that come? Because usually anxiety is triggered by thoughts. So is the content of the thoughts, is it ever about sex? Like, is it ever about, oh, I hope I'm doing the right thing? Or is it more like, oh shit, I didn't return that email?

What it typically turns into is I'll start like worrying about future things. Like I'll start being like, okay, what does like my schedule for tomorrow look like? Or I'll start like thinking even as far in the future as like months from now. And then once I start having those thoughts, I'll be like, oh, I'm not like going to— like, I'm not enjoying this. Like, he can tell I'm not going to orgasm. So it's like the anxiety from daily life, like, spirals into them and creates anxiety about sex.

Okay. So, and is this something that's— that you've experienced before?

Yeah.

Okay. So it's almost like you have a response cycle set up that when you get into an intimate situation, your brain is like, oh, time to start thinking about these things. Or maybe you're worried it's going to happen and then it happens. Has there been a time where it didn't happen?

Yeah, there has. I would say it's not like super frequent to the point where it makes like sex unenjoyable. It's just often enough for me to notice it.

Right. Okay. One thing that I like to say to do so is to practice getting yourself up. Like, it sounds like you need some kind of pre-sex ritual. That's gonna get you into a mindful place that's going to ground you. Some specific things you could do is breathing, like literally saying, I need 5 minutes. And the other thing that you could do is you could do it with your partner. You could say, can we take 10 deep breaths together where you're doing like conscious breaths? Like you're looking at each other and you're breathing in, you know, for 5 breaths and your exhales 6 or 7 breaths. You always want your exhale to be a little bit longer and you're looking in each other's eyes. And now, I mean, I know that you are not someone who's— you get all this stuff. You're not going, oh, really? Wooey stuff. Like, I've done that before. But what you'll find is that it totally changes your nervous system because what's happening is you're in that fight or flight. And there are studies that show that when we actually do this slow breathing, it could be 5, 10 breaths, you will be in a different state and you will feel more connected to your partner. And I think that's also a great way to set the intention. And like the tone for the sex, because I honestly feel that so many of us have that. We're like, because, you know, you're with a man, right? You're with a guy. We're differently wired in the sense of the way that penis owners respond to arousal is it's like they have a thought and it's externally, you know, they'll get an erection and they're already turned on and then they're ready to go. But for women, we need to be like in the right mind place, the right setting, the right things. We've done this, we've gone to the bathroom, we finished the email. We have so many other things. So just to be like, I'm ready for sex without any kind of grounding in the moment that changes your state, because we know that state hasn't worked for you before. So you could do that. You could do it on your own. You could just be like, I'm going to go into the bathroom for a minute and I'm going to— I'm literally going to make myself get through these 10 deep breaths. Another thing, whenever I'm anxious, and I've talked often about during sex to focus on your senses, like What are the 5 things? Like the, what are you smelling? What are you hearing? What are you tasting? But another thing you could do is you go, what are 3 things that I see right now in the room? Name them. What are 3 blue things in the room right now? What are 3 things that I'm hearing right now? Because when you are present like that, you cannot possibly be in the future or in the past. Like you are a ground you and it's intentional.

Yeah, that's great. I love the idea of doing that. It's like practical. That's something that I can do in terms of— because I think sometimes my partner, his ego gets like a little bruised where he thinks that I'm having anxiety because of him, or it means that it's his fault, and that's not the case. What's like a way that I can kind of communicate that with him so he— like, I have my toolkit now, like, how can I—

So what I want to ask you this, What would you— what do you need in those? Tell me what you need in those moments, because that's where we start. What would you like to happen?

I would like the opposite of how I'm feeling. So if I'm feeling stressed, I need somebody who's like really chill and like calm and like, it's okay. Like, I don't want him to get stressed because then I have to like calm him down and use my energy to like make him feel better.

Right. Right. So, okay. So, what I would recommend is talking to him, not when you're having sex, but say, you know what, I've been realizing that lately I have a lot of anxiety during sex. My brain does this funny thing where it just starts going and going, going. My anxiety hasn't calmed down yet from the day. And I was thinking in these moments, first, I want you to know it's not about you. I love our sex. I love all the things, but I might just need you to hold me for like 10 minutes before sex. I might just need you to breathe with me. I might just need you to ask me— maybe you just want to talk. You want him to listen and be like, I know you like to fix things. I'm just guessing. I don't know your boyfriend. You're very right. You could be like, you know what? I would like to talk to you, but I actually just need you to listen because I actually don't need solutions right now and I don't need help. But I love that you want to help me, baby. But I actually just need you to listen to my day. I just want to get it out because once I get it out, I'm going to feel so much better. And maybe when we're doing that you could be holding me or playing with my hair or whatever, you know, making me a sandwich, whatever you need to feel comforted, because then he understands what you're going through and he's on board with it. And if he cares, and you guys get to see how it works, but I would name it.

That's great. I love the idea of like having the conversation. I know this is your advice all the time, like have the conversation not in the bedroom, but there's like something so tempting for me to bring up things at the wrong moment.

Oh yeah, and maybe you want him nearby, you know, but I think that he— you want him to be a supportive partner and he doesn't know what that looks like yet until you tell him and you name it and explain to him. And it's outside the bedroom. It's like when you guys are hanging out, you could say it was on the show. I mean, you could say you talked to me about it, blame me. You know, we actually have Tess31 in Colorado and she's got a comment. About your— Amanda's experience. Hi, Tess, what's going on? Well, thanks, no problem.

Um, I did my first time listening to the show, and I just was listening to your caller, and I've had that anxiety. I can very much relate to the feeling of, you know, being in my head and not really being able to be in my body during sex. And that's how it helped me to frame it in that way, to think about it like of being in my head or in my body. And especially during sex. And sometimes it helps to ground me and to connect with my partner when I can focus on just like, so even just like one area, you know, one sensation. It doesn't, you can like choose to focus, you know, where like on the lips or whatever that might be. And then to channel like coming back into my body and getting out of my head through that sensation.

Thank you, Tess. That's exactly it. That's like the senses. You could even just say, You know, something that I do as well, Tess, super helpful, is that like, I'll say my hands are my partner's body. What does it feel like to have my hands touching his waist? What did my lips feel like on his lips? And then that's the sensation of touch. It could be scent. What does he smell like? You know, and yeah, you could just pick one. Cause I used to always say, do all 5 senses. And that might be overwhelming in the moment. Like, what do I smell? What do I hear? But one, just going to what does my body feel like skin on skin or what am I feeling?

Yeah. Even like smells or like, yeah, just anything like that. Is just helpful for me to come back down.

Yeah, exactly. Thank you, Tess. Appreciate it. So helpful. Yeah, welcome to the show. I'm so glad you found it. Thanks. I'll be here every night. Of course. Bye.

All right.

What I would say though, Amanda, you could even say, I'm going to start practicing to do this when it happens. You could even make it fun and you could start to narrate and be like, my hands are tingling against your arms. I love the smell of your hair. Like you guys could play a sense game. And just know also that you might be great for 10 minutes and then you start thinking again. So, you know, it's a practice and then you go back to it. But even just recognizing it will be such a great start towards the practice of being more mindful.

Yeah.

It sounds— it's interesting how similar it is to meditation.

It really is though, Amanda. Here's the thing. Mindfulness in the bedroom. You know, I always talk about mindful masturbation, but it's the same exact thing. It's about being present. It's about what is happening in this current moment, because otherwise we live in the past and we live in the future. And I think most of us do that at different times. And if you have a strong meditation practice or one at all, you know what it's like. And eventually you do it enough, you train yourself. It's still— you still got a bring yourself back to the moment sometimes, but you just link in. You're like, oh, disturbing thought. Where are my hands right now? I'm feeling, you know, my partner's face. So that is really helpful. And I'm telling you guys, a meditation practice— and I'll bet everyone's a little tired of this right now because during COVID everyone's like, do yoga and breathe and how's your meditation? And you're like, fuck you, there's a pandemic. But the truth is, if anxiety levels are rising and we don't know how to handle it, rather than going on a medication or drinking more, doing all the things that we do. I mean, I'm all for a cocktail now and then, but this practice you got to be patient with. It's like you are retraining your mind because our thoughts are not the truth. Our thoughts are actually in our control, but no one tells us that. And then they run off and then so this is, this is the work. It even helps with premature ejaculation, not staying hard. It helps to breathe deeply during sex, can enhance orgasms in women, it can prolong them. What we're talking about is like just everything you have with your partner. Like, you don't have to solve it on your own, Amanda, and then you could get the support you need. And again, also know that It's not easy, Amanda. Like your partner might be like, like the way I talk about it is like your partner's like, I understand Amanda, let me come hold you. What do you need? But he might be like, how could it not be me? Or why don't you want my solutions? And so it just takes a little bit of like, yeah, I hear what you're saying. I know it might feel that way, but really what I need right now is for you to just kind of hold space for me. Listen.

I think that's so interesting. And I also think like talking about it then normalizes a little bit. Like I think mental, like obstacles come up for so many different people and just like naming it how you were mentioning, like, really helps generate, like, a little bit of power over it.

Yeah, let's, let's take back the power, because we actually get to control our thoughts. Our thoughts control our feelings, our actions, and our anxiety. So that is the work for all of us. That's it for today's episode. Thanks so much for listening to Sex with Emily. So tell me this: did you hear a tip or a trick or a conversation that you just your friend would love? Or how about listening to this with your partner to learn something new? Please like, review, and share this podcast with the ones you love. You can find us on all social media. It is Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.