OHMazing Sex with Tal Rabinowitz

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by Jiu. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jaejoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super so soft, ultra quiet and it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the hera and right now you can get 20 off the hera using code emily20@sexwithemily.com hera that's emily20 for 20 off at sexwithemily.com h e r a so if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by my friend and creator of den meditation, Tal Rabinowitz to share about how meditation can benefit your life, which I'm sure you've heard all about the benefits of meditation, but it can also improve your sex life. Topics on this show include why meditating with a partner can be beneficial to your relationship, ways meditation can improve your sex life, including performance anxiety, how to keep the intimacy alone. Live with your partner after you've had a baby and all you want to do is sleep. And what you can do to spark your partner's interest in sex when it seems like there's no hope in sight. I can help you with this. All this and more. Thanks for listening, Emily.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Because my he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry?

It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, that feels so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com because it's a good time. We have a new blog up there called 4 Ways to Close the orgasm gap, which come on, you guys. The orgasm gap is real and you can close it. And also, if you don't want to go to our website, you just want to follow us on instagram. We put our blogs up every day. You can swipe up and read them there. It's all exwithemily and all social across the board. I'm really excited for my guest today. She's awesome. She's become a really good friend. She's one of these, like, love at first sight friendships when we met. And she's had a really interesting career. And she's also doing something that is very, very close to my heart. And I think you guys are going to learn a lot about meditation, a practice that you guys know I talk about. But tal, we're gonna get into this how it can really help you with your life overall and definitely your sex life and your relationships. So Tal is a former entertainment industry executive. Very high powered woman running a lot of stuff at a very young age. And she's super driven and smart and hilarious.

Oh, well, you're very sweet and kind. I used to work at NBC. I ran comedy there. I was at st. Sony for a while. I was at the wb, if anyone remembers that. It's like a relic now.

I remember the wb, of course. And you were so stressful, type A, working really hard, doing things that were probably way beyond what people were doing at your age at that time. And even then, you're just as smart.

I was really lucky. I got my first executive job very early and I was lucky. And I always worked with great people, which I think helped me because it's true. Those are high stressful jobs and they're just high volume more than anything. I think it's changed a little bit now just because there's so many outlets, but the volume was insane. So you were just waking up and like reading scripts and working and you'd go to bed doing. I mean, it was just, you know, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Right. So you were there for a long time doing this.

16 years of my life in entertainment.

Okay.

And then that job ended in NBC. And when I was at NBC, I was medit I learned how to meditate when I was there. Not from NBC, but While I was there in that last job, and I kept looking for somewhere to go because just like you, I know you do a regular practice. I was trying to do two times a day. I was trying to do 20 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes at night. And I was struggling, like, really hard. It was just really difficult for me to do. And I kept being like, okay, no big deal. Like, I'll find a class and I'll just do it before work, at lunch or after work, and I'll just go there. And as long as someone's guiding me, it forces me to sit my ass down and do it. And it just didn't exist.

And there's no place to go and do this.

I couldn't believe it. I was like, I can do like yoga, booty ballet. I can, like, do anything else but meditate, which I found so crazy. And it's. The idea just kept percolating in my head that I couldn't believe this business didn't exist. Which to me would be so necessary and helpful.

Tal actually launched the Den Meditation Studios.

Yes. So after. Yeah, so after that, I took some time, and then the idea was still percolating and was always there. And finally I got my. I don't know, something. Finally I was like, I really just need to do it. And I did it. And I just kind of researched. And next thing you know, I mean, from the moment I finally pulled the trigger to like, I'm actually going to do this to doors opening was like six months. It was something really short and tight. It was kind of insane.

Cause you can, like, produce it, you can make it happen.

You know how it just. I had an idea. I was passionate about it. And once I said go, I went.

Going back to like your first. So here you were, high power job, working, stressed, and you, you took a meditation class right during. NBC was providing it.

No, NBC was not providing it. I just kind of woke up one morning, was like, I feel like I need to learn to meditate, which is very me. And I asked a friend to do it with me, who at the same time woke up with the same exact thought that day. Yes. And I had gotten in touch with a teacher and then was picking up my phone to text her to say, hey, I'm getting in touch with this teacher. Do you want to do it? And right when I picked up the phone, she texted me saying, hey, I got in touch with this teacher. Same teacher, do you want to learn? I mean, it was so serendipitous. And so we learned together with the head of casting and the three of us, we would bring her in and she came and taught us how to meditate. And so then, because I ran my department, I could schedule it so she and I would meditate together for 20 minutes. My assistant knew he would schedule it on the calendar. But I was always struggling with that second practice, right? And so that's when I started looking for it and it didn't exist. So, yeah, we were early dead. Meditation was totally early on the scene. And it was a very clear vision for me, which is why I think it happened so fast, like how it needed to look, what it needed to be. Because again, meditation now is way more talked about and more commonplace. But even though it's only two years ago, just two years ago, if you mention meditation, people were like, huh? Like, when I told people my idea, they were like, are you sure about that? It was just that weird. They're like, why would anyone want to do that?

What was it about meditation that really connected to you?

I think for me, and I've always said this, meditation is just a way of meeting yourself in just a nice, calm place. And so it's just getting to know yourself better. And I feel like if you don't like hanging out with yourself or being yourself more than anyone else, then that's a huge problem. So I think meditation is like the gateway of learning to love yourself, or if you already do love yourself, learning to really love yourself and accept yourself. And so to me, the more you know yourself, it just makes life easier. It makes decisions easier, relationships easier, you feel better, your health is better. So I just feel like it is just. It just only makes things great. And honestly, when you have good meditations, it feels like you're on drugs, which is fantastic.

It does, it does. The first time I did like a silent retreat, I remember it was like, you know these retreats where you do, they're like 12 hours. What are they, 12 hours a day or 18? You meditate from 4:00am to 10:00 clock at night. And it was like the seventh day, the 11th hour, I was like. Felt like I finally felt. I transcended and had. Like I was on drugs, right?

And I mean, not that that's why you should do it, but the point is, I know, I realized after I said that, but the point is that you can have these, you can have it without drugs. It's just like with exercise, sometimes that run just makes you feel euphoric and like, there are runs. I remember specifically, like, how I felt the moment what I Saw, like, the song that was playing. And in the same way, there's meditations. I remember because I'm like, oh, God. Like, I just felt great and like. Or I had this idea or I had this vision and just like, running. Sometimes you meditate and it's miserable and it's frustrating, and it's not great either. But no matter what, the overall benefit far outweighs if you have a bad sit.

So how did you learn to love yourself more through meditation? And how is that? How can it help others learn to love yourself? I mean, interesting for me, people are new to it.

For me, it was more. Not so much learning to love myself. It was more, I think, forgiveness for certain things and acceptance. I was also going through a really tough time when I started meditating. I was going through a divorce. The job was hard. So I think for me, it was grappling with a lot of that stuff. And I think it was really helpful in I was beating myself up a lot. And I think it was very helpful in getting me through that and learning exactly why I made certain decisions when I needed what I wanted. Because I was really trying to figure out, do I want to stay in this relationship, Do I want to go? And that's a hard decision to make, especially when you're in your mid-30s. Like, do I want kids? Do I not want kids? So it was really helped me gain clarity.

Let's go back to when you said you were really hard on yourself, which I think a lot of us can relate to. That nagging voice in our head beats ourselves up. Why you this or that? The thing about meditation that I found, too, the more consistent I am with it, like, you realize it's just your thoughts, and it's about going back to your breath in the moment, and you kind of just then you can come out of it with clarity.

I think one of the best results of meditation or benefits is your ability to realize emotions are just emotions and thoughts are just thoughts. Now we all have them. They don't go away. Just because you meditate doesn't mean they disappear, appear, but they don't control you. And the problem is a lot of people, they do control them. If they have a bad day or something bad happens. I mean, you almost don't want to be around that person. And it shouldn't be like that. Like, bad shit happens, good things happen. You know, bad thoughts happen, Great thoughts happen, but they are just thoughts. And they inform what's happening, but they shouldn't inform who you are at your core. And I Think that is one of the most amazing benefits. And again, it goes back to you know who you truly are, not about what's happening around you.

Okay, so how would you describe meditation to someone who's like, okay, Emily, hear you talking about it? Or they're skeptical. Like, what's a good. They can't come to LA and go to the amazing den meditation yet. I think it should be everywhere in the country, not the world. I think it will be maybe an app too. How cool would that be? Well, how would you describe it to someone? The benefits and then maybe what they can do?

Well, I would say the benefits.

We just talked about a lot of benefits. Of word is like, how would you just look?

I'd say if you're skeptical, this is what I tell people are really skeptical. I'm like, okay, at the very least you have like five minutes of relaxation or five minutes to yourself. Especially, let's say, because you were saying if a woman comes in and she's nervous, it's like, if you're a busy person and you just take five minutes to shut down, even if you feel like you're not meditating or it's quote unquote, not working, you're still. When in today's day and age, do you sit somewhere for 5, 10, 15, 20, whatever time you're allotting for yourself, do you actually sit somewhere and not do anything?

Right. Without your phone?

And that's what I used to tell myself because I really struggled in the beginning. Again, going through a divorce. I had all these things in my head. I had a whole department I was running. My brain was like nonstop. And sometimes those 20 minutes were misery.

Right?

And I was like, well, what was the point? I didn't get anything out of this except, like mulling over all my problems. And what I would say to myself is, I just sat somewhere for 20 minutes and I didn't check email and I didn't read and I was with myself and I was breathing. So even at the very least, even though that didn't feel very good, like I just gave myself a gift.

Right, Exactly.

So that's what I would tell someone who's skeptical is, at the very least, that's what you're doing.

Yeah. At the very least, you're not with your phone and you're breathing.

And if you start with that and the more you do it, because I think then you're easier on yourself, then I bet you'll actually get more open and then you'll start to actually see some of the other Benefits happening.

And it takes a little bit of time.

Yes, absolutely. It's like exercise.

And it's so true that there are so many times you were like, what's the point? I had 30 seconds maybe where I was just breathing and not my thoughts, but that. And when I did my tm, practice transcendental meditation. I love that. It was so like, that's cool. Go back to your thoughts when you can. If your mind races the whole time, it gives you the permission to just like, it's okay. Even if you do it for 10 minutes. Like you tried.

Do whatever you can. It's gonna help you. And just like calming your body down and your nervous system down is a huge gift. And yeah, TM is a perfect example. And honest, you know, we call it like anchor based meditation. Any meditation. And by the way, breathing is one counting. Sometimes it's staring at something. Just if you want to breathe and count at the same time. That gives your mind something to focus on and then allows you to kind.

Of drift, which is why a mantra can work.

That's why mantras work. And so therefore. And it's what you were saying, when your mind then starts going to your to do list or whatever, it's okay. You say, okay, had those thoughts. And then you just go back and you start over again. And before you know it, you'll have longer times of counting. Before you know it, there'll be moments where you don't know what just happened. Nothing happened.

Exactly.

And then you'll go back to counting again or breathing or your mantra or whatever it is that's working for you.

I felt like the first time I did it that it was like this amazing tool that you learn that your mind is like a wild animal in the jungle and that it's totally in control unless we learn to control it. That I'm reacting to my mind and that I realized how hard it was. I said, I'm here on this meditation retreat. It's like 20 years ago, and my only job is to focus my breath. Like, that's all I have to do. Cook for you, they clean for you. I'm like, that's it. Like, there's nothing else but to sit and breathe and focus. And it was so hard and I beat myself up and I created stories that everyone else was a good meditator. And then you realize, like, whoa. Because, like, I do.

I love it. You're, like, competitive and like, oh, my.

God, she hasn't moved. I was itching, I was scratching. I wasn't supposed to move. She. My eyes were looking around. But then you realize, like, that is the practice. The practice within the practice. And it's just.

It's a discipline in and of itself, too. But yeah, it's. And there is no competition. And like you said, some days are bad, but it really. To have that time of, like you said, no cooking, no. And just breathing. It's hard for us because we're out of practice. When do we do that?

Never.

I mean, since you were a baby, baby, baby, you've stopped doing that. We've just, like, we filter in so much stuff. Especially today with, like, the Internet and all.

Like, yeah, when do we ever. When do we ever turn our phone off?

No, you never. I mean, I actually. My niece just said about mitzvah, she turned 13. And, like, one of the pieces of advice I gave her was, like, one time, from this point on in the rest of your life, when you go to meet your friends, turn your phone down. Like, just turn it over and actually just sit there and see what happens. And I was like, the fact that I actually have to give that as a piece of advice to just be like, you'll be surprised. Like, don't stare at your phone while you're at a bar waiting or at a party. Like, whatever it is, just put it down.

That's right. Just, like, talk about being in the moment. Not in the moment. Our phones take us out of the moment. So how has meditation helped with your relationship? Because you're in a relationship now to be married.

Yeah. Married. Boyfriend. Same boyfriend, same thing. We're not officially married, but we're a kid. We do the whole thing, I think. And it's funny because I would say what we were talking about before, as far as not letting your emotions take over, I think it really helps you with your reactions as well. So the ability to, like, step back and see things clearly, especially in this relationship, has been very helpful for me. Like, my boyfriend's amazing, but he has grown a lot emotionally. And I think the patience that. Not that I'm perfect, by the way, but what I was about to say made it seem like, pretty perfect.

I got a six.

But, I mean, I've had. I have issues, too. But I would say. I think the patience I've had in the relationship, a lot of it is due because I meditate and I've had the ability to kind of step back and look at certain moments and be like, yeah, that might have been shitty, but I know this is what's really going on. Or that reaction, you know, curbing Because I can be so pissy. And I can get really angry, too. And I feel like it helps me curb that a little bit, too, and, like, be able to, like, step back. And that's huge because then it allows you to communicate better.

Exactly. And does he meditate?

He is. He's starting to. You know, it's funny, he's never been a big meditator, and it drives me crazy because when he does come in, into the den and meditate, he falls in so quickly, and I'm like, you don't know how lucky you are. It is such a struggle for people. And you get in like that. He'll get there. He's getting there. I think that's part of his journey.

And there's a lot of power in meditating together, like, as a couple.

It's funny we haven't done it yet because I tried once and, no, I actually think for us it's going to be huge. And I feel like it's actually a next step. He's been doing a lot of work in other ways, and I feel like it's our next step together. And I'm actually really excited about it.

Talk to me about the power of meditating in a group, how strong that is, which is what you provided the dentist.

Yeah, I think it's great. I mean, I think for some people, they're like, oh, no. It needs to be absolutely silent. So hearing someone fidget or breathe really throws them off. But that's also part of your practice. You need to learn to not get thrown off by anything. There is an energy.

God, you're making me feel like I need to meditate right now, as I.

Say right now, and you'll have the most boring show ever. So there is something about being in a group ever. Even, like when you go to a concert and you hear the music and everyone's singing at the same time and there's that energy. It's the same thing, but a much quieter version. So it's like everyone is putting this power and this energy into going to, like, a source. I mean, it's sounding very religious now, but I don't mean it to. Whether it be themselves or something. And that energy is contagious and you feed off of each other. And there is a feeling that you have while meditating with others that you don't always get. And when you. I do find that sometimes the ability to go into a really deep meditation is actually helpful in a group, which is crazy because sometimes you're very distracted.

No, I feel that's Right. Same way I feel.

I think just that energy alone that's vibrating around you actually helps you.

Yeah, I think it's so good. Okay. I read a quote from you in an article.

Oh, I know.

And this kind of applies to relationships. So you said, what could I have done differently? Why do I feel like I'm in this position? What part did I play in this? You say there's always something to learn, and if you learn the lessons, the struggle doesn't feel like a struggle. It feels like a speed bump.

I said that?

Yeah, you totally. I thought it was a lovely throw, but it's more like. I think that we all struggle with so many things, and I'm wondering, like, does that help you in your. Like, I know that you think, like, we can all look at things that are hard, and I think kind of see the positive. Does it help in your relationship or how else does it help?

Yeah, look, I have a big philosophy, like you were just saying, of positivity and attitude and how you look at something. And I think it changes everything. And I used to struggle because I had a friend who. We're no longer friends, and there was a lot of negativity around it. And this was a long time ago. And I felt guilty for having good things in my life because she was just always so angry about everything. And in the way she would twist, it was as if, like, everything was. Now, by the way, I'm a very lucky human being, so I'm not going to say I'm not, but I started to realize as I got older and looking at people and how they react, and I've realized, wow, a lot of depressed people or people that are sad are very angry at happy people.

Right? It's so true.

And they're angry at happy people because they think life is easy for them. And I know a lot of happy people where life isn't so easy for them. It's just their choice of how they attack choice in every moment and how they look at it. And it was that moment where it's like, maybe you wouldn't be so sad and depressed if you would switch the way you look at stuff. Because, I mean, you can meet some people or some gnarly shit has happened to them and they're actually happy people. I mean, it doesn't mean they don't have stuff to work through. And it's just fascinating. And so that attitude, I think that's part of it too, where anything that happens, any obstacle in your life that happens to you, it can be Just a speed bump. It can just be that little thing that happened. That from anything that's huge to small, it's all your perspective on how you want to take it.

Right.

And again, I think that goes to accepting yourself and loving yourself. And we all fuck up and we all make mistakes, and nobody is free of that. So if you're just like, shit, that is my mistake. Like, I joke, I say, mommy made a mistake daily to my child.

Daily.

I'm always like, oops, Mommy. I don't say fucked up, though. I want to. It's really hard for me not to curse. Yeah. And I always say, like, mommy made a mistake so often with her because I want her to know, like, it's really okay to make mistakes and it's not a big deal and just move on. Like, let's fix it. Let's. And I do make mistakes all the time, whether they're tiny or big.

Do you think she's, like, drinking when she was 18? She'll be like, sorry, Mommy, I made.

A mistake maybe, and I was gonna totally backfire.

No, but that's so smart, because I think that the is a certain perfectionism that's kind of a plague for a lot of people. Like, their whole life, they'd be perfect. And to say, like, no, I made a mistake. Things aren't always perfect.

And because she's also in the Y phase, so there's a lot of, like, mommy, why? And I'm like, because I made a mistake.

Right. It's healthy. Like, why am I turning around the block? Because I went to the wrong place.

Exactly.

So we talked about meditation, relationship. What about sex?

I mean, I think for similar reasons that we talked about the relationship, I think it just teaches you to be more present and know yourself better. And I think the more you know yourself and your likes and your dislikes, to be very basic, it helps you. And also, like, things you've taught me. I mean, just being present and breathing and making sure that you can remember the moment and be exactly where you are versus thinking about the million things that are actually probably you want to be thinking about, or is it on the back of your head? So. And I joke because you have really, actually taught me a lot. You and I have had so many conversations about this stuff, But I do think it's really helpful with sex in that sense, too. I think the more you're present with yourself, the more your senses are heightened. I think the more you know what you want and what you need. And again, I think the more you know how to communicate. So you can actually communicate what you want and what you need.

Yeah.

And it just makes it better.

It does. I love that you say that because we were talking about this how I told you once, like, just to breathe during sex.

Oh, my God, it's huge.

So obvious. Like, here you are meditating.

So obvious.

I'm telling it all the time. Jamie's worked for her for three years. Jamie's gone home. Like, she's heard me say it. But then there are these moments where I think it was a few weeks ago, she's like, oh, I went home and I remembered I was having sex. Even though she's immersed in sex, she's like, and I breathed, and I had the most incredible organisms.

That's what happened to me. We were at dinner and we were talking about it, and you told me, and I went home and I was like, how do I not know? I mean, I meditate.

Right.

It's always, like, somewhere in the middle of it, I was like, I was thinking about you.

I love that.

And no, and then I just, like, literally, I think it was like three deep breaths, and I was like, holy fucking. I mean, it was so fast. That's what was so crazy about it. Like, my whole body just reacted. And maybe it is because I'm a meditator, so I connect quickly.

Right? But that's.

But it was so. There you go. There's another benefit. The more you do it, the faster you can do it.

The more you do it, the faster you can orgasm. Because I think a lot of sexual things people struggle with is because they are in their mind, they're in their head. And I'm guilty of that. Over same dude. Even though I'm the sex expert, I for sure am, too, in my mind. Yeah, well, most so. You know, it's funny, I would say that that of a lot of the questions, we get the biggest challenge when people have, like. Like, they can't orgasm. Men and women during sex is because they are distracted. They're thinking about the to do list or thinking about what hasn't happened, what could happen, what happened last time I couldn't orgasm. Will I be able to? And the easiest way to get out of that is just say, okay, that's great. Those are the thoughts. And then what's happening? I'm breathing right now. What do I feel? What does my partner feel like inside of me? If you can just remember to do that, even if it's a hundred times during sex.

Do you think men take it personally when women struggle with orgasm?

I do.

I think, because I know women take it personally.

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, absolutely. I think that a lot of men think I should be the master of the universe, and if she doesn't orgasm, it's, like, it's my fault. And so I think a lot of times it might be if you've. No, the truth is, a lot of times it's our fault because we are not communicating our needs to our partners efficiently. So I think I used to, when I was younger, I would blame my partners and be like, I can't believe I didn't orgasm. But I never even orgasm on my own. But I thought the men had the magic keys to make me orgasm. But, yes, if we're just talking surface men. Think about.

So do you orgasm pretty much every time you have sex now that you, like, have all these tools?

I can pretty much every time. But not like, I have all these different.

But different degrees.

Different degrees of like, sometimes I can have three, sometimes I can, you know, have one.

Listen to that.

Yeah. Well, hey, that's practice, too. Yeah, I can definitely make sure. And if it's not during intercourse, because only 30% of women can. During intercourse, I have no problem, like, using a toy, having oral foreplay. Oral sex. But I'm gonna tell.

You said it. Or is it. Oh, it's right there on your wall. When you said foreplay starts after the last orgasm. That's actually one of my favorite things.

Yeah, it's true. Really?

But because my boyfriend's always like, what? Okay.

Yeah, no, it's. Right. It's great because.

And then I'm like, my turn. Let's go.

Yeah, right?

Yeah, it's like a whole other round.

Keep going in the moment there. But also, it can mean, like. Like, if you don't see him, your partner in the day, you could be like, God, it was so hot last night. Can't wait to see you tonight. Send the sexy picture only if you're married and they won't show it to anyone. But you know what I mean. Keep building up the foreplay because especially for women with the brain being our largest sex organ, we want to keep feeding our mind of those thoughts and connected to our partner. Okay, so I have a sex in the news. I'd love you to help me here with that. It is. I love that this kid. I was thinking about you and I was so excited you were coming on the show because you probably saw this. It was up in the news. It was. Is. Meditation can boost your sex life in a major way. Study finds so I don't know if you saw it, but it's. We get all the alerts about sex. So this was a study and it says when it comes to your sex life, you may sometimes look for ways to make it better, whether that means sex locations or positions. However, the answer to a more fulfilling sex life could be simpler than that. Meditation. Meditation enhances your sex life. And this is from the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy. It's like a legit study and I love that. I know it's totally shaped.

Honestly, more stuff like that just makes it more mainstream. And again, I mean, if sex is a benefit, who doesn't want to meditate, right?

If you can get any kind of. You put this up on your wall, come back, because your sex life's gonna improve and you're in your dent in.

Your studio making up a flyer tonight.

It says in the study women were surveyed, ages 19 to 20 were surveyed about both their sex lives and experience with meditation. And it says women who done meditation said they had better sexual functioning versus women who had never meditated, meaning that they were more self aware of their internal body sensations, they were able to get more roused, lubricated orgasm more often, and more desire, which is.

That makes total sense.

Everything we want. And so I thought, yeah, what do you think about that?

I know, I think it's amazing. And I'm so happy that there's articles being written because again, the more people know, the more mainstream it becomes. And honestly, meditation is only going to make the world a better place and make everybody happier. That's what people don't realize. Like when you're happier, the next person's happier and the next person and. And there's left like less people screaming at each other in car. I mean, I saw a guy today on Laurel Canyon outside of his car banging on another person's window. And I'm like, I saw that in.

Melrose the other night. It was scary, right?

And I remember just being like, was it worth it? Was that really worth all the energy? But I'm saying the more people meditate, the less that happens. And then the more sex, everyone's going to be happening and. And it's just everyone's happier.

Exactly.

So it's great when there's articles like this. And I think you and I have already talked about this a lot. Again, the more you can just be centered and be open, the more all these feelings will literally like flow in.

They can't help it. It might be kind of, you know, I don't know, people Think it's so overwhelming like you could do it in your car. I used to do it, do it anywhere. I take my headphone, my noise canceling and I sit in my car and do it before I come in the office for five minutes. It's, it's just a reset. So also this goes on to talk about the other benefits and you probably know this too is that reduces stress, improves concentration, increases your self awareness and it reduces anxiety. This is the other thing that's interesting.

Is that that is a huge one. I, I don't have a ton of anxiety so I always forget to talk about it when people ask me personally.

Yeah.

But it is a huge one and I would say most of the people who walk into the den it is because of anxiety.

Yeah. The number one killer of our sex drive is anxiety. Yeah. If we're too stressed and we're worried about everything else, we will not have sex.

People are stressed right now, man. I get it. It's like there's a lot going on and the energy is intense and I mean we're all just doing too many things. Like we just are all over scheduled and have too much going on.

Right.

And it's impossible to relax. But I do, I see like heavy anxiety. Like people like you, they come in and you can just see it in their body and then they leave. And then when they leave and the whole like everything is shifted which is so great. And then the more they do it, there's actual changes like shifting inside of them, which is fantastic.

It's true. You actually have shifts. Like if they study the brain waves of people who meditate, like it's for.

Sure it's and it releases different chemicals so it actually just calms your nervous system down.

It's brilliant. You're in a good business. Sex and meditation.

Well, I say I like it because our, you know our widget, our production widget is like making people happy and feel good. So it's great. Yeah, yeah.

The final thing is it decreases depression while increasing happiness. Like there's a win win here and you can do it anywhere and you don't need to buy anything.

Nope.

So I'm going to give a shout to our sponsors now. Thank you for supporting the show and thank you for supporting our sponsors. I love you all. We'll be right back. I'm going to have you help me answer some questions. Tal.

Can't wait.

Okay, thanks.

I'm here with Tal Rabinowitz. Thank you for staying from den meditation and I appreciate your help answering these question. If you have a question you want me to answer on the show? That's amazing. I love hearing from you. You can text, ask Emily all one word to 797979. There'll be a short form you can fill out. And if you want me to call you during a future caller show, just check that box. You can also submit questions on the website and always include the information that helps me help you. Your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Alison, 31, San Diego. Hi, Emily, I love you and your podcast. My boyfriend. I have been dating for 1.5 years. Thank you for being clear. We're in an LDR long term relationship or long distance relationship. And we're looking to move in together soon. Finally, we have a great relationship based on trust and communication. And he checks off all the boxes except for one right now. Dun da da Sex. He has major performance anxiety, and it's only gotten worse. We're very attracted to each other, but he psychs himself out by getting in his head. This leads to him not performing, me being upset that him feeling like a failure. And the circle continues. It's put a huge strain in our relationship. He says he's never had this issue. I just make him nervous in the bedroom. In a good way. I'm frustrated and hurt. Sex should be easy. He's been to a doctor, his testosterone levels are normal, and he started seeing a therapist who suggests meditation. Will it get better? Do you have any tips on overcoming performance anxiety in the bedroom? What can I do? We've had great sex before. I know it can happen, but how do we both dig a hole that's so deep right now? Please help. Okay, Allison, so what I first want to say is thank you so much for emailing me. We talk about this a lot. Like, performance anxiety is a real. Like it's in your head. Okay, so if he's having anxiety, so you know PE or ed, and it's just. He's just not performing. I'm telling you, I love that you said meditation, and that's why I wanted to talk about this, that, and I'm sure you're 31 years old. He's probably about your age. There shouldn't be anything medically wrong with him. Why he cannot control his ejaculation, why he can't control his erection. So. So it's because he's in his head. You already know this. And it's probably his anxiety in other parts of his life. So I don't know meditation.

Well, meditation for sure. But I would also. Not that I should be giving relationship advice.

You should.

But I would say one of the things too is. And I know it's really hard, especially in those situations, because you take it personally. Even though you know you shouldn't. Don't get mad. Like, even. Cause she said something in there. Like, then I get mad, and he's mad that I'm mad. Just hold it in. Bitch to a girlfriend or something. But act like. Like it's not a big deal at all. Because that is just what keeps the cycle going and just makes it so difficult for guys because they already feel like shit to begin with. And then if you're mad, then they feel like they're disappointing you, and it becomes a whole thing. And it is. The hole gets deeper. Like you said, you're so deep.

That is such a good point. I think the problem is, is that the more frustrated you get at him. And even that you don't want to.

Allison, by the way, it's so easy to be frustrated.

You're like, oh, my God. Like, come on, let's get it going. I want my orgasm. I want, like, already again. Still. It's just gonna. It's gonna make it worse. So the more you can talk about it outside the bedroom. You guys, I always say these things. You don't wanna talk about it right after. Like, again. Really? You did that thing? Oh, no. I'm gonna sit here and have to masturbate without you? No. Allison and I. You just gotta take it outside the bedroom and say, babe, I love you. I wanna make this work. What can we do together?

And, you know, you just gave me an idea when you were saying that, like, also maybe just move off of him and start pleasuring yourself, but, like, touching him, like, while touching. So keep him involved.

Right?

But, like, take all from him and all the pressure away from him. So that, again, it's another way of, like, emphasizing. Don't worry about it. So not a big deal. Like, we're still good and I'm still about to have sex.

Yeah, exactly. Because sex without the goal of orgasm can be really freeing for a lot of couples. Because, come on, not everybody orgasms every single time. And right now, he's having challenges around it. So if you just are like, you know what, babe, let's just mutually master, you know, mutual masturbation is a great tool for couples who just want to, like, sit next to each other. If they can both get off and watch each other. That can be really hot. Or just, like, letting him know that it's Cool. And you're gonna let him take his time. We kind of rebuild again and say, or we can just take sex off the table. Let's rediscover each other's erotic stones. I think that would be a great way to.

And also fun.

Like, all of us should be doing that.

All of us should be doing that. Like taking off the stable for a while and playing in other ways.

Yeah. Because we want to, like, kind of get attached again to the. Remember all the erogen stones and why we fell in love at the first place. I want to make sex great again.

But to bring it back to meditation. Yes, meditation. Be great. Because what we were talking about earlier in the episode, just breathing and techniques he would learn through meditation, he can bring to sex, which will help him not get stay in his head.

Exactly.

So. And I think it just goes back to the simple technique you always talk about of just if he would just start breathing and concentrate on his breath versus probably like, oh, God. Oh, God, this is happening again. Oh, fuck, fuck. Now she's blah, blah, blah. Then it'll just right the mind chatter.

Absolutely. Thank you. That was great. Okay. Chelsea, 29, Kentucky. Hello, Emily. I love being a new listener of your podcast. I had a C section baby four months ago, and I don't know about other women, but I was ready to have sex again way earlier than most moms I know. My husband and I are both having the same. Have both have the same love, language, physical touch, and neither of us likes going very long without intimacy. We've had such a hard time fitting this into our lives post baby. Even though we both want it physically and emotionally, our baby isn't a good sleeper. As soon as she goes down, we both are trying to sleep. Sleep rather than be together. How long does this go on? Any suggestions for how to balance extreme exhaustion and our desire for sex? Chelsea, after having a child, bringing a child into your life, like the loss of sleep and the loss of your intimacy is. The struggle to keep that going is real. Right?

It's so hard.

It's so hard. You're like sex. Last thing on my mind.

So hard. I mean, it's nice that it actually isn't the last thing on her mind. And your husband's apparently too. That's nice because for most couples, it literally just. It is the last thing on your mind or you're not on the same page. It is so hard. You're just so tired. I mean, I don't know. You probably have.

Don't put a lot of pressure on Yourself either. So first of all, you're saying that you're a lot ready for sex after four months. That's pretty good, you know, to want to have sex. And you've had a hard time fitting in, I would say. And I get it, you know, the whole love language thing. I'm really into the five love languages. And so you're both. Physical touch.

I left it on the shitter for my boyfriend.

You just.

I was like, you better read it. Here you go.

Did he read it? Or you could just take this.

Oh, yeah. He had no excuse because I put it there. I was like, these are the two chapters you have to read on mine. And then you just have to read this and let me know, and then we're good.

Does it work? Did you guys find out what your love language is? So long ago.

And yes, of course. Ours aren't the same.

Well, no, but it was very helpful.

But it was super helpful.

So for love languages, there's five of them. I don't know if I have to always. There's a blog on our website about it. It's physical touch. Words of affirmation. Get quality time and service. Acts of service. So usually there's two that you relate to and how. So you both are. Physical touch. Which I think, first of all, let me tell you this, Chelsea, that's amazing because when one partner has physical touch and the other isn't, it's really hard. It's the hard one. Yeah, that's a hard one because, like, you got it, but you both want it. So I think there's ways to be intimate without sex. So if you guys are like, we're just going to touch each other without the goal of having intercourse. But like, I just talked to a couple recently who took a. A sensual massage class together. It was one night. It was like two hours. And now they actually know how to touch each other. So maybe just like you each do it for 15 minutes and you switch or just like touch each other, rub each other's feet or his head for 10 minutes and then he does it for you. So that would be a way to bring it back. But you're asking how long it goes on. I'm not really. I'm never gonna give anyone a number again.

That's also different for everybody. And also how your baby is and how you parent. Like, some people are just constantly in the, you know, the bedroom with the kid and not like if they cry. So then that goes on a lot longer. Cause then your child doesn't sleep, which is Also. Okay. And so that's. That's. Yeah. There's no actual answer to that.

Right, exactly. And four months is still pretty early on.

It's early. Yeah.

So it goes on for. It can go on for a while. But I love that you're, you know, as long as it needs to go on until your bodies are both ready.

And I don't know your financial situation, but, like, you can always get a babysitter.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Or if you have family near you.

If you have family or friends that'll just come in for even an hour and just go out in the back or in the car. I mean, exactly.

Like.

But there's other ways you have.

And you got a bit. I think this is when scheduling happens more than ever. You really have to schedule sex. And I used to think that was the most unsexiest thing, like, oh, great, two o' clock on Saturday sex. But the truth is, for so many couples, here's why it works. Is because when you both want sex all the time, but maybe you want it on a Monday, and then you try and you feel rejected because he doesn't. But then he tries it on Wednesday and you reject him, and then he feels bad. You guys carry these resentments through the week, and every night you get home and one of you is like, are we gonna? Are we gonna. But if, you know, Saturday night, 8 o', clock, we're having sex. It takes so much pressure off. That's the one thing, is that you can build up to that. But also then, like on Saturday, you start to be like, oh, we're having sex tonight. You start to build up to it. You shave, you feel good, you put on your sexy lingerie, and it happens. And then something like, you have that excitement built in. So, yeah, I'm with you.

I think especially once you have a child, you have to schedule it.

You do. You do. Ken 41, New Mexico. Dear Emily, my wife's enthusiasm for sex is exactly zero. She lays there, not moving, not making a sound, not giving me any feedback or guidance. Guidance. While I tried to solve the mystery of her vulva, I tried everything a person can reasonably try without success. Things that don't help include romance, compliments, spontaneity, dirty talk, extended foreplay and toys. Even orgasms are of no importance to her. She values having an orgasm like a person values finding a quarter on the sidewalk, I. E. Who cares? It's just a quarter. Oh, my God. I love you, Ken. Do you want to write for us? It's like trying to make the world's greatest pizza for someone who just. Just doesn't like pizza. The funny thing is we have sex as often as I want. She never says no or not tonight, but she just does the bare minimum. Every time we've been together 15 plus years. Can she become interested in something for which she has shown zero interest? Okay, Ken, this is a fabulous question. So for 15 years, you're telling me you can't even go back to the honeymoon phase here?

That's not true.

It sounds like it didn't exist. Yeah, but she's had zero interest. And so I want to know about her. Is she. Has she ever had a point, like, there's some communication and there's some really deep diving that has to go into your wife now. Has she ever. Even before you, like, does she masturbate? Does she have orgasms? In the past, has she had fantasies? Like, and so I just want to know, like, what her sexual history is. But then also, is there untreated trauma? Is she on medication? If you're on antidepressants, maybe she's been on for 15 years and it wipes out her sex drive. Is she on birth control? There could be something going on here. And the fact that she's not interested and she just wrote it off, there could be any of those reasons. But you alone, Ken, you've done everything. Let's just say right now you win the award for literally trying everything and.

Describing it the best.

Yeah. Describing it in an amazing way. Like, I get it, but she has to be on board. It's like someone who wants to get sober. Like, if she doesn't want to become better interested in sex, it's gonna be really hard. But I feel like, like she has to be on board with you now. Like, you can't just keep throwing things at and sticking. Nothing's working right here.

Yeah, it's. I mean, and again, it's questions like, have you guys talked about it? Because to me, it would be the biggest. Like, can you communicate and say that? It's not so much about, like, quantity and volume of it. It's.

It's.

You want, you know, the quality to be better and you want to please her. And again, maybe there's ways like you were just talking about earlier of pleasing her that aren't necessarily sex. And you can get her to start opening up and looking at it differently that way.

Right.

You can just touch her or maybe. Is it. Is there any sort of touch? She wants a massage? Is there a hug? Is it, Is there any other version of intimacy that she might be that might actually make her feel really good and really safe. And that can be something you can explore with too, right?

I think. Exactly. Like there are other ways. But it sounds like you are frustrated here that you've tried everything. Have you tried therapy? Because I think that every couple could use it at some point in their life. And it's been 15 years. And you can find a sex therapist or a regular therapist that can help you guys or marriage and family therapist that can help you guys really drill down on this, because you've been trying for 15 years. And I feel like at this point, you have enough information to know that whatever you're trying now, you've tried it all isn't working. So it really helps to bring in a third party. So that's what I recommend to you. Ken, thank you so much for emailing Tal Rabinowitz. Thank you for being here.

Thank you for having me. This was so fun.

I know. So fun. So everyone can find you, you thank and at the Den Meditation.

Absolutely. And that you're@den meditation.com Den meditation, all social media. Come find us, Come follow us. We don't come to stores. Yeah, we do retreats. We do everything.

Yeah, I love that. Retreats. I want to come do a retreat. So check all of that out. It'll also be in the show Notes. Thank you for.

And we have our own podcast coming hopefully soon.

I just did her podcast too, so you got to check out her podcast. I know it's not launched yet.

You're gonna be one of our first guests, so it's gonna be hopefully by June.

I'm so excited. Okay, you guys, you want another great podcast to listen to, it will be that the Den Meditation.

It's Den Talks.

Den Talks. I love it. Thank you, Tal. Thank you everyone for listening to the show. I love you. I love hearing from you so much. It makes my day. And thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Jenny, our volunteer Sarah, our production team, producer Jamie Lark, and our engineer and editor, Michael. Thanks, everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com com.

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