On the Same Sex Page

Okay, let's be real. Confidence is sexy in and out of the bedroom. And when it comes to performance, sometimes a little support makes a big difference. So whether you're craving more stamina, fuller erections, or you're just looking to level up your pleasure game, there's a tool that's been helping people feel more empowered for years. Meet Bathmate, the world's leading hydro powered penis pump. These aren't gimmicks. They're FDA registered, backed by science, and designed to give real, lasting results. At Bathmate Direct, you'll find pumps that naturally support size, strength and blood flow, helping you experience bigger, harder, more energized erections over time. And because they work with water, they're more comfortable, more effective, and way safer than traditional air pumps. With just a few minutes a day, the Bathmate hydro pump can help you increase size and girth, gradually boost confidence in and out of the bedroom, improve stamina and performance, support stronger erections through better blood flow. And the best part, it's all natural, non invasive and totally shower friendly. You can literally work out your sexual wellness while you wash your hair. It's iconic. Right now, Bathmate Direct is giving our listeners 10% off when you use code SW10@bathmate direct.com. that's Bathmate Direct. B A T H M A T E D I r e c t dot com. Use code SW10 for 10% off. So head to bathmate direct dot com, use SW10 and level up your confidence. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. During this holiday, we typically give to those we love, partners, friends, family, and because you're my extended family, I'm excited to share this bonus show as I can't make you all dinner and show you my appreciation in person. On today's show, I'm taking some of your sex and relationship calls and we get into easy ways to ease into mindful sex. How to evolve your sexual compatibility. Coming to terms with a relationship that really isn't working. Using porn as an appetizer for sex and not the entrepreneur. And tips for channeling your inner sex goddess even when you're not that experienced. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them. In a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my.

The Women know about shrinkage isn't common knowledge.

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of.

Girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com We've got a lot going on there. Lots of blogs and posts and things that you wouldn't quite know about Sex with Emily by just listening to the podcast. Also, you guys, I'm really proud we did 14 days of Valentine's Day tips this year. We did videos, and they're posted on our Facebook and Instagram and Twitter, which is all xwithemily. And I love getting your responses, and it looks like they've been helpful because that was my goal. I want to take the stress out of Valentine's Day, make it easy, and make you experience all that love around you. And remember, you can always go back and check out these tips, because even if you don't, I don't think you can do all 14 things tonight, but grade fodder for the year ahead. So check that out. You know, anytime you're like, God, I want to try something creative tonight, you can be like, oh, Emily had 14 videos, and we're gonna be doing more of them. So again, I'd love to hear what you think. So, as always, join me on social. It's sexwithemily, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and Twitter. We always post when a new episode is live. We link to our blog posts and just all the great content we put out here. I have an amazing team, and we just want you to have better sex. That is our goal Spending. Speaking of better sex, we held a contest in December called better lover 2018. And we asked you to reflect on your sex life over the past year, see what you liked, what you didn't like, and what you could do to change it up for the better. And then we wanted you to make a pledge. We wanted to know what steps you were going to take to make sure that 2018 was the year that you're going to become the best lover yet, either with a partner or by yourself. And we got so many amazing, thoughtful, inspiring, and super hot submissions, and we were all just moved and inspired over here. So thanks for putting the effort into your sex life. And we picked a few winners, and we actually posted them on our website as a blog post. But I wanted to read some to you, just a few, some of the winners. But remember, you're all winners. But I think these are going to give you a little inspiration as well to get your butt going to become that best lover. So here's the first one. Be the leading lady of your own life. I pledge to be a better lover to myself. I'll put the health of my body, mind and spirit first and foremost. I turned 28 in early March and I want this to be my best year. I graduate from grad school this year and will finally start my career and working towards my life goals. I know I deserve this. I deserve to be happy and find happiness. I need to start making my actions reflect what I know I deserve. I've been single for two years now and I realize that that's okay. I refuse to settle and to just be in a relationship for the sake of being in one. I don't need a man to feel secure in my life. I also pledge to allow myself to not make a specific someone in my life a priority, when to him I'm only an option. I deserve the role of leading lady, not a supporting role. I'm the boss of my life, my heart, my feelings and my emotions. I pledge to make myself and my heart happy first. Other aspects of my life will fall into place how they're meant to be. And I am and will remain to be at peace with that. Hannah, age 27. I love this. I got chills just reading this, you guys. I love how empowered she is and how Hannah's really realizes that we're really not going to be able to get the love that we want and crave and deserve until we give it to ourselves. Until we focus on our lives, we focus on making ourselves happy. Because if we don't love ourself, we won't attract the right person who can do so. Say if you come into a relationship with half of yourself, you're just going to find someone else that you think fills up that other half or completes you, as they say. But we're not actually looking for that. We want to go into a relationship pretty whole. So, Hannah, I love that you're single and you're embracing it. Being single is not a death sentence. So thank you, Hannah, for inspiring us. Okay, here's another one. I've been with my partner for almost six years and we actually just got engaged last week. I have two goals for a better sex life in 2018. To have more sex and break out of our routine. I have one idea which I Hope will achieve both of these. I made a sexy Tumblr account where I've been cultivating things that turn me on. Toys and outfits I'd like to buy and things I'd like to try. I'm going to give my boyfriend a link and the password to my private page, where under each picture or video, I put a caption just for him. I hope this gives him insight into things that turn me on and give us both some inspiration for new things we want to try. But most importantly, get the conversation going. Making this Tumblr has also been so super helpful with my goal to have more sex. All I have to do is open the Tumblr app for 10 minutes and I'm turned on and ready to have some fun. Erica, age 23. Oh, I love this one, you guys, because here's the thing, you know, you know, I'm a huge fan of communication. You know, about sex and about your relationship and what you want and you desire. Now, here's the thing. I give you guys a lot of tips. I tell you about how to do it, where to do it, when to do it. But, you know, you guys, time to get creative. I mean, if you're the kind of person who's like, you know what? It's not as easy for me to have it face to face. I'm gonna create a Tumblr account, and I can't explain to you what I want in bed, but I know it when I see it. I mean, I think this is brilliant, Erica. I think this is a great idea, and it's a twofer. I love that she goes back and watches the porn and she's like, wow, this really turns me on. Because if you're. Even if you're not in a relationship, I think this is a great exercise. If you've just been like, you know, look it as a research report, you're like, I don't know what I like. Tumblr does have some great porn. Start watching it, bookmarking it, and create your own sexy spreadsheet of things that you love and notes to yourself about what turns you on. I think this is just a really cool tool and a good idea, and hopefully it inspires you to communicate in whatever way you see fit about your sex life. Because life's too short for bad sex. And 2018 is the year to have amazing sex. And finally, our last one, and again, the rest are also on a blog. We can attach those in the show notes for 2018. I think the biggest goal for my partner and I will Be to continue to communicate about sex with each other and to keep being comfortable with our sex lives. Sometimes it's tough for my partner to see how incredibly sexy I find her. So my communication, not just words, but body language, actions, etcetera, Is something that I want to keep building on. Her confidence is sexy, and my communication to help build that confidence, well, it's a sexy cycle. We also have two kids, a boy and a girl, and they're both unbearably embarrassed about everything sexual. I want to make sure that we talk to them openly and honestly about sex, and my goal is to pass on my openness and understanding about sex to my daughter so she's comfortable with, A, her own body, B, sex and relationships, and C, can be open about sex, but still responsible and safe. Geri, age 37. And I love this because Jerry's not only focusing on affirming his wife through words and actions and body language and making their sex life sexier, but he's also thinking about the kids, you guys, because I know having children can be super challenging, especially these days. Like, when do we talk to them? How do we talk about it to them? Because, you know, schools aren't doing the job, and I know it can be tough for parents. So really thinking about, you know, how you want them to learn. I heard this last week from a friend of mine. She said, it's either you or YouTube. So who do you want teaching your kids? So that's the inspiration. I think you gotta ask questions as they come up with your kids. And also, I think it's important to talk to them about pleasure, especially girls and boys. They don't know why they're masturbating. So you can explain to them that masturbation is something to keep in private, but it's also a part of pleasure. And it's important, as you all know. So we're gonna get into your calls right now, you guys, this was a super fun show. Happy Valentine's Day, you guys. Remember, it's a day of love. Start with loving yourself and everyone around you, and I love you. Okay, now we're onto your calls, and if you have a question that you want me to answer on the show, you can easily text it to me. That's Ask Emily. All one word to 797-979. I love that you guys have been doing that lately. It's really eas. If you want to be called during the show, you just check that box that you'd like to be called. You can also submit it through the website. Sexwithemily.com via the Ask Emily tab. And please always include your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show, because it helps me help you. Thanks, guys. Can't wait to hear from you. We have Ben. He's 25 from Washington, D.C. and he wants to know how to let himself get lost in the moment during sex. Hi, Ben, thanks for calling.

Hi, yeah, thanks for having me.

So happy to talk to you. Tell me what's going on.

Uh, so basically I've been having more and more trouble getting out of my head during sex. It's not related to performance anxiety or anything like that, but I'm almost just narrating in my head or observing the events as they happen. Almost like I'm kind of watching it in third person.

Right.

I never really get lost in the moment anymore, and it's just making sex not that enjoyable. Yeah, yeah, I know you encourage us and listeners to practice mindfulness, but that's something I've always found challenging. So I was wondering if you had any advice for being mindful, specifically during sex.

Yeah, absolutely I do. I mean, yes, it helps in day to day life. Are you with someone right now or you're dating, Sleeping with people. Dating. Got it. Perfect. So you can practice. Here's the thing. When we are having sex and you get lost, you know you're. You're in your head, right? What you're telling me is you're creating your own story in your head. Maybe you're thinking about porn or you're thinking like, oh, look at me having sex with this hot chick or whatever. Or is that. What's that noise? Is someone home? It's like you're thinking all these thoughts. The best thing I can tell you, and the easiest way to start is to focus on what you're feeling in the moment. And I'm telling you, you might have to go back to this a hundred times during sex, but it gets easier. It's a muscle that you practice. So when you're like, oh, wow, look at this chick I'm having sex with. I wonder what she'd look like, you know, I wonder if we should have a threesome. You can say, okay, wait, okay, Ben, go back to. I'm gonna go back to my feeling right now. My. What does it feel like with your penis inside her? What does her skin feel like? Focus on all the senses. So what's the scent in the room? What are you listening to? Is there music? Is there sound? So when we get in touch with all the senses, you know, sight, touch, sound, what you're feeling, all the other emotions, hearing that really helps anchor us into the moment and be present. And then you just can't be in your head. But the practice of it, you also can't beat yourself up because that's another voice and it's all you. But that's you saying, oh my God, I can't believe you got out of the moment again. Just go, oh, interesting. Notice it. This is like my top mindfulness tip is that any meditation practice or teacher would tell you this is that you notice the thought and then you let it go. You watch it like clouds, like, oh, look, that's funny. I'm thinking about, you know, her, whatever. I'm thinking about this porn thing I saw. And you go, okay, I'm gonna go back to right now how her skin feels under my hands. What are the sensations in your body? So while mindfulness is tough, you don't have to meditate. Maybe you could just practice in the day to day life. Because I'm gonna assume here, I'm gonna take a leap, Ben, that this happens in other parts of your life as well, that your mind wanders.

Yeah, yeah, it tends to.

Right? We all do. I mean, we're so distracted, right? We're talking, we're on our phones, we go back to the moment. So if you can focus on that in your day to day also, like, what if you get tripped up in thoughts that are kind of not serving you and you go back to like, you know, where am I? My feet are on the ground, you know, the sky's blue today. I can hear the air conditioning in the background, you know, the heat on my back. And then you'll start to notice, like, what you are actually feeling in the present moment. And so during sex, I'd say that's. I'd focus on the senses. But also another thing to do is to focus on your breath. If all of that goes out the window, like all the things I've told you, if you can just go back to your breath and breathing in and out, like, you know, breathing and feel it like moving through your body, like, and you. That's something you can practice on your own as well. Like down to your pelvic floor and then up again. And then breath really can anchor us during sex. And it can also intensify your orgasms. And again, don't be hard on yourself if it takes you like a hundred times during. Because I've done that during sex. Like I've been with partners. I'm like, okay, I'm gonna get distracted, and they keep bringing me back, right? Or we bring each other. It is a practice, and, you know, you're not gonna be perfect at this, but it's a skill. It's a tool.

Okay, so is this something that someone would probably want to warn a partner about? Like, just say, hey, I have a tendency to get lost in my head sometimes?

Well, it depends. You don't know, because she is, too. Listen, men are distracted by their performance during sex, and women are distracted by their appearance. Like, that is just the truth. Like, we're worried about, are we doing it right? Are we acting right? Men are like, am I gonna get hard? Am I not gonna get hard? Whatever's gonna happen. So we're all lost our heads during our sex. I mean, you are so not alone here, Ben. This happens to all of us. So it's not even, like, an admission. It's saying, guess what? I'm human. My mind wanders. You know? Or what you could do is. My next tip for you is going to be to practice some. Like, some. I don't want to scare you away with this word, but tantric work, which is when you look into each other's eyes during sex, or at least you could start during foreplay and start to synchronize your breath together, because then you become truly connected and the energy starts to flow. And so there are things you could do, but I wouldn't start out by saying, sorry, my mind wanders, because she just might not get that. And believe me, her mind's wandering too. And then she's gonna start to wander. Her mind's gonna wander that your mind is wandering, so you're gonna create a whole other thing. What you could do is say, you know what? During sex and times, I want to start practice breathing. You want to breathe me during sex? It really. I listened to this cool podcast, and she says it intensifies orgasms. You want to breathe together, and it's really hot, it's really intimate, and it's really connected. So I feel like that would be a better approach than saying, my mind wanders. Bring me back. And the reason why I do that with someone is because we've actually talked about this. So it was someone that I've been with for a while, and I was like, listen, let's do this together, because we were in the the same, doing the same kind of practices. What do you think? Okay, can you try that?

I'll definitely try that.

Okay, cool. Ben, don't beat yourself up. We all do it and just a muscle. So start practicing it. You got this. All right, thanks for calling. Bye, Ben.

Thank you.

Bye. I hear this all the time. My friends say to me, or people, I mean, on the street, listen to the show. They're like, why am I thinking about my to do list during sex? I can't pick up my dry cleaning right now. I can't call my mom back. Why is it popping up? And it's just really like we have these cognitive distractions during sex, and when we have them, we don't work on them. People kind of report having lower sexual satisfaction, but just know that it's a completely normal thing. Our minds never behave. And it is a practice of training your mind. And so if you're not someone who's going to sit and not going to meditate, it's a really hard thing to do. A great thing that helped me was that I thought, okay, what do I do every day? I brush my teeth. So when I'm brushing my teeth for that two minutes, I have one of those toothbrush timers. I'm going to focus on the toothbrush, what it feels like with the bristles on my teeth. I'm not going to have any other thoughts. What's the taste of the toothpaste? What's the motion of my hands? And in that one moment, in that two minutes, I might have to bring myself back to it 50 times. But it gets easier over time. So take little moments throughout your day and just say, where am I now? Be present and pay attention to everything around you and it'll help you during sex. We have Brian. He's 29 from London, and he wants to know, can sexual compatibility change over time? Hi, Brian. Hello. Hello. So good to talk to you. Tell me what's going on. Tell me about your relationship and where you're at.

So, yeah, I was seeing a girl for a few years and the sex was fantastic. And a big part of that was that she's a massive squirter. So I felt like I'd hit the jackpot. And that was great. But then we moved into a long distance phase for the last 18 months and it was kind of undefined. And in that period, I slept with some other girls. And I think I realized that the squirting wasn't actually what I enjoyed so much anymore, mainly because I think it took away the spontaneity. So we always had to arrange the situation to make it suitable. So then when I saw her a few times in that. In that long distance phase, the sex just really didn't connect very well and I couldn't perform. And obviously she noticed that as well. So. So, yeah. And then I was in this quite difficult situation where she decided that she was willing to move her entire life for me and was willing to defer the sex part until we were in the same place. Whereas I kind of was worried that my preferences have just changed and we could never overcome that.

Right.

So I guess, yeah. My question is, is it possible that we can actually overcome that through communication or am I right to feel a bit negative about it?

This is a really good question, Brian. Thank you so much. I really. Because it's like, I don't. So you're 29 years old and it's been long distance and so before. So I. This has nothing to do with like the squirting. I'm going to tell you this. I don't think it's about squirting or it's about, you know, anything else. It's probably about variety. Like you've got to go out there and you're having sex with other people and then you got inside your head that it was, was the squirting. So when you were with her, you couldn't perform because most of our sexual challenges or dysfunctions in sex come from our mind because you were like, I'm not into that, I'm not into it. And then sure enough, you have sex with her and you, you know, you can't get hard and stuff like that. So it seems like you just need to kind of. You need some more. Maybe need some more information here. How does that land with you?

I think you're probably right because there was a big part of me that felt so when she was. When we were in this undefined long distance thing, I quite like the idea of being able to try something different. And you know, and yeah, maybe, maybe it was variety. And when I'd go back.

It was. Yeah, I just wasn't that excited by it. And I'm still really attracted to this girl, but I just wasn't really excited by the idea of it. And having to like arrange a situation kind of takes away from the excitement.

Right.

Whereas in other situations, you know, it didn't matter so much. And I really like the spontaneity, so. Yeah. And. But yeah, perhaps that's true.

Yeah. And that's. Listen. So Brian, that's what we all want. Like, this is why sex gets stale in relationships over time is because we miss that variety. The spontaneity, the newness. Like you just nailed it. That's Exactly. The problem when couples move in together or the challenge is how do we still keep it fresh, exciting, and mix it up? And so that's something you guys, like, would work on, you know, yes, she still might be a squirter, but there's other things that you, you know, you could do. You could just, like, yeah. You know, put the blankets outside, you know, in the living room. If you have sex out there, I think you're probably talking about them, that it gets wet, and you have to kind of take precautions for that. But if this is the only thing, I feel like this is going to happen in every relationship. After a few years time with someone, we're going to get a little bored. And so that's why I always emphasize communicating about it. And I think you have to be. Be honest. Does she know you slept with other people, or was it a don't ask, don't tell? She does.

She does.

Okay. And also understand that it's stressful. She wants. She's going to move in with you if she moves back. Is that the situation?

Yeah. So she said she'd be moving away from her family for me, which kind of feels like a lot of pressure.

Yeah.

You know, knowing that it might not work out. And I guess, you know, I've listened to a lot of your podcasts for years, and one of the things you've once said is take sex off the table and try and do something else for a period of time to rediscover.

I guess the real difficulty is that she's not here. So, you know, it would be like a year from now when she'd actually. We'd actually be able to do that. And so it makes me really nervous waiting a year and then trying to do that and then finding out that doesn't work.

Yeah, no, I understand. When I say take sex off the table, it's typically for couples who've been together, they're living together, and there's just a lot of challenges around connection. So you rediscover each other's bodies again, and you make out for a week, and then you give each other massages for another week, and then you wait for penetration so you can rediscover. But you guys are already not having sex for another year right now. And you're young, you know, you're 29 years old, and it sounds like, you know, there's other stuff going on. So I think that that is a lot of pressure. And I'm wondering if you guys could maybe you could just start by having some really honest FaceTime conversations together about your sex life. And, like, be honest. Cause you truly have nothing to lose here and everything to gain by being honest and vulnerable and open about your experiences and uncertainties. I mean, she probably has them as well. And to pretend that everything's great and easy for her to pick up and move and leave her family and her life, of course that's gonna make you nervous and concerned for her. Like, what if you change your mind and she has to move back? So I feel like you guys gotta have this all on the table. And the more you talk about it and the more brutally honest you are about things in a caring way. Of course. I don't mean brutally. I meant, like candidly honest. I think the answers will come. But you still have another year. I mean, she doesn't have to buy the plane ticket or start packing up yet. So I think if it sounds like you're not ready to make the decision yet, that you need to just say the things that you think you can't say.

And, I mean.

Yeah.

And I guess one of those things is I find it really hard to say. I might not like the squirting aspect. I know you said that might not be the issue, but I feel like when I say that I'm kind of hurting something.

No, that's true.

That she can change.

Right.

Okay. Right. So. Okay, so let's say every single time she squirts.

Yeah. So, I mean, it's. I mean, it was amazing. It was amazing. But, yeah, it's. Honestly, that's just through normal. Through, like, normal penetrative sex, she will squirt.

So it's. And the reason why it's challenging now is because it's messy. Yeah.

Well, I think that's one of the reasons.

Yeah.

It's like. One thing I seem to really like is being able to have sex in wherever I am. I don't always want it to be in the bedroom after we've, like, organized the room to be able to be spontaneous.

I'm interested.

But it's really difficult to do that because it's really messy.

Right. Well, that's a real concern. And I have to be honest, that is something you probably have to be really gentle with with her, because she can't really help it if she's squirting. You know, the truth is, like, how I feel like you can, though, arrange that. Like, if you. You could put. Have towels in every room, you know, and the truth is, if she's a squirter and you have sex when you're in the alleyway after a bar or something, so she's gonna get a little wet. Do you know what I'm saying? But I don't think this is like a total deal breaker. I don't know. I would just see how the conversations go about your sex life. I mean, she might have parts of it that she doesn't love either, you know, But I would wait for her to bring that rather than saying, I don't like you, you squirt. Because she really can't. She can't help that, you know? So again, I'm gonna argue that I don't think that's really just what it is. And I think if you guys start to unpack your sex life together, there's so much more to it. You haven't even lived in the same place, so you might find that there's some other things that are really get you going that turn you on. And it could be just really great fodder for an amazing sex life when she gets here or not. But you're gonna find out. I would tread lightly in that one. I would just because I feel like that stuff can be, you know, she can't change it. It's like me saying to a guy, well, your penis is too small for me, but, you know, he can't do anything. So I would just start talking about your sex life and kind of leave, see when the squirting will come up. But I wouldn't lead with the squirting and. Yeah, okay. Okay. Okay, Brian, good luck to you. Okay, good. You're so welcome, Brian. Have a good night. Bye.

Thank you very much.

Bye. Thanks. Bye. Cheers. Thanks. Good luck to you. All right, so I think. Thank you, Brian, for the call. And I think this brings up this point again that we have to start talking about sex. We have so many fears around actually saying, you know, what we're thinking and we're feeling. And so we gotta open up the conversation with our partners. And I don't believe there should be secrets, but you do have to be tactful about your approach with your partner. And I don't mean to, you know, he should never talk about the squirting or whatever it is in your relationship that's bothering you. We all have those things that kind of bother us about our partners. And then we decide that that's the whole thing. There's one reason, but I'm here to tell you, there is never one reason why you end a relationship. I mean, again, like I said, that's abuse, you know, or cheating things you can't get past. But if it's like little things that annoy you, you can usually work past those. It's part of a larger issue. But we have to be careful how we approach these issues and never be pressured into commitment or having someone you know move in with you if you're not really ready without having these really hard conversations. Because I promise you all the answers will come once you're open, honest, and vulnerable about your sex life and about whatever else is on your mind with your partner. It works, people. I promise. Okay, we're going to give a quick shout out to our sponsors. Thank you for supporting them. And you know, this is our big time of year. So even if you want to be last minute Valentine's Day shopper, you want to get some goodies for the new year, I think you're going to love them. Check it out. Thanks for supporting them.

We have Heidi. She's 32 from Boulder, and she wants to know how she can get comfortable with taking the ropes in the bedroom. Hi, Heidi. Hi. Hi. Tell me everything. How are you?

Well, yeah, so I'm 32 and I've honestly kind of new to sex in the first place. I had pretty slow start in my life just due to religious stuff and body image stuff and kind of fear and thinking sex was bad and all kinds of stuff growing up. But I'm in a great relationship now and my boyfriend's amazing and he's super patient with me, but I know he kind of always wants me to take the lead more and I want to too. And I want to explore those realms and, I don't know, be more in control of things and whatnot.

But I.

And I think about the things, but then it comes down to the moment and I kind of like panic and don't know what to do and.

Right.

I don't know, back out of things or back down. So I'm just kind of like trying to find.

No, honey, I get it. It's not easy. It's not easy just because he told you. And even if you think about it, it's that step. It's that next step of just doing it. Because the fear that you're gonna look silly or you're gonna laugh or it's gonna be wrong, you're gonna turn him off and then ultimately he's gonna break up with you and leave you. That's like our biggest right. We all worry about that, but none of that's gonna happen. So tell me about the things that you think about. Give me one scenario that you think about doing, but then you stop yourself.

Because, I mean, I've thought about giving you a blowjob before, and I've tried once and I kind of, like, started and then backed out because I didn't know what I was doing or if I was doing it right or got it wrong.

Right. Have you let him know this? How long have you guys been together? 1 and a half years, right?

About a year and a half. And I did. I told him I wanted to try, and I told him he was going to tell me what to do. And then I still, like, just got scared.

Right. So what happened? Did you actually start? So you started and then you got into your head, right? You got into your head and you were like, oh, my God, Heidi, you don't know what you're doing. You're really bad at this. He probably hates it, right? Or whatever the messages are, because we all have them. So I think with that one, you could say you could even talk to him about it. Like, I think, you know, when you guys are outside the bedroom and say, I do want to give you a blowjob again, and I get inside my head and I really want you to, like, show me what I'm going to do, and I might laugh and I get nervous, but if you could, like, tell me, you know, what you need or show me, you know, what you want me to do, like, that would be so helpful and, like, I want to stick with it. So take all the fear and the shame out of it by just calling it. Because he knows that. He knows that you started and stopped. So I think that you could just say, babe, show me, like, show me what you like. Like you say, and I know I'm gonna laugh, and just if you could tell me, like, what. What do you think, Heidi, in that moment, what did you need to hear? Maybe if he said to you, babe, that feels so good, or, like, what would have made you stay down there? Like, let's think of perfect scenario. What would happen? Like, let's walk through the perfect blowjob scenario with your boyfriend.

I don't even know, because I think he did start to say that it felt good. And I was like, ah, he's just making that up to make me feel good.

Right. And you didn't believe him. Right? Exactly. So maybe that's not it. Have you guys ever done any, like, mutual masturbation? Do you masturbate?

Yes.

Okay. But not.

Not mutual.

Right? Because that's kind of a cool thing, because then you can see. So. So, guys, you know we always. We spend a lot of time focusing on, like, oral sex on a woman, going down on a woman. But for guys, you know, we're like, oh, it's a penis. But they're all really. If you really get into it, they're kind of specific with the way they masturbate. Like, some guys are, like, you know, playing with their balls, and some guys are using their hands in certain motions. So that could be cool if you. If you guys do it together, you can see, like, what he does to bring himself to orgasm. Like, does he move fast? Does he move slow? Is his hand over his tip? Is it on his frenulum? That could be helpful as well, so, you know, kind of what pleases him. But I think you got to go back to this blowjob thing. So that could be one way to do it. It's really interesting because I. To me, that's like. I love that, because I'm like, oh, I get it. That's how you masturbate. I know exactly your hotspots and what I should touch and when I give you a blowjob or hand job. So that's one thing. And so the other thing would be, like, when you're doing it, just tell them, like, okay, we're gonna do this. And, like, say, I'm gonna stay here, and you can even come back up, then go back down. I mean, like, what do you want? Like, do you like this? You could even walk through steps with them. Like, when you get your mouth down there, say, okay, how is this? Tell me to go up or down. Like, maybe you want specific instructions. And he might not even know, but he could be like, okay, babe, that feels good. Keep going. Or use your tongue or use your hand. Because here's the thing about blowjobs, too. Just so you know, it's not all about the mouth. It's about the hands. So you could also start with a hand job and lube. To me, that's, like, a really great way to start that. You could put some lube on your hands, and he could show you, put his hand over your hand and show you how he likes to be touched. And then you could start to just kind of maybe kiss around the tip and then bring your mouth in. I say start with a hand job. Have you ever given a hand job?

Yeah.

Yeah. So. And the hand jobs can be hot, like, because then you can use both hands. You can use lube. And so here's the thing about getting confidence in the bedroom. It's okay. You. You know that you. You Think you're a late bloomer and we all start at some time, but don't. The more you do things, just like anything in life, the more you do it. I promise you it's gonna get a lot easier. So I don't want you to wait another month. I mean, we talked about this today. Like, when are you seeing your boyfriend again?

Tonight.

Okay, perfect. Would you feel comfortable telling him that we talked?

Yeah, he knows.

Okay, so say I talked to Emily and I want to try because you're never gonna let yourself rest if you don't do the. I think you gotta just stick with the blowjob. Cause that's where you taking control and say, let's work this out together. I want to do it tonight. And I want you to show me what you like. Or you can do the hand job. See what he thinks of that. But I think you need his guidance to walk you along so you have the confidence. And it might not. You might laugh, you might stop again tonight. Don't beat yourself up, but keep working towards like one thing and then like build your confidence and it will come in other areas as well. And it sounds like you've got a great guy who's reassuring. I love that you told him you're calling in. I mean, you're way ahead of so many other people who don't even ever talk about sex. So just keep going with it. Is that helpful?

Yeah.

Thank you so much.

You're welcome. Good luck. Let me know how it goes. I want to hear about this. This blow job, their hand job situation. Whatever you decide, let us know and do it tonight. Okay? I don't want any more time to go by. Okay, thanks. Bye, Heidi. It is true, you guys practice. It never makes perfect. Perfection is an illusion. But practice will get us over our fears. Once we do something, you will start to gain skill. You will start to figure out what you're doing in the bedroom. And we all start somewhere. We all have insecurities, but you got to like, barrel through them. And you guys, sex is supposed to be fun. So it's okay if you laugh, it's okay if you stop and start. All of that's fine. There is no perfect way to have sex. The only thing I'll tell you is that you got to keep trying. So when you stop having sex and you let your fear hold you back from doing anything in life, you are not going to succeed. You're not going to reach your goals, sexual, personal or otherwise. So I want to hear how Heidi kills it with the handjob. Tonight. Can't wait to hear back from her. We have Stephanie. She's 27 from California, and she wants to know how to watch porn without my boyfriend getting two too distracted. Hey, Stephanie. Hi.

How are you?

I'm good. How are you? Tell me what happened. Tell me what's going on.

I am good. So I have been with my boyfriend for just almost. It'll be four years next month. And we've always had a healthy, good sex life, but we're always trying to, you know, keep it alive. And I suggested watching some porn together, so he agreed. We thought it'd be fun. And then when the time came for, just seemed really distracted and not too much focused on me anymore, even though we had already had some foreplay and, like, other stuff leading up to it. And I felt like I was kind of having to compete with it, and I just went with the flow. I didn't say anything, obviously, at the time, and I still haven't mentioned it now. This was probably a month ago, but I just didn't know how to bring it up without. I didn't want him to feel embarrassed or anything.

Okay. Yeah. Well, no, I'm gl. You called, and I love that you're trying new things, and I always say in the show that. No, I do. And it's funny because when I read your email. No, sweetie, I love it, because I'm like, oh, I should probably mention it's kind of a rookie move, right? He, like, probably hadn't done it before. He thought it was a great idea, and he was like, oh, like. Like, literally, if you've never watched porn and your partner says, let's watch porn. You probably think you're gonna watch porn together. Like, he probably doesn't get the nuance of we're gonna watch porn. It's like our entree. It's our. I mean, it's our appetizer, not our entree. It's just kind of warming us up for the meal. So, babe, you know, so I think. I think. And I'm so glad you called because, yeah, the state in the moment could kind of, like, ruin you both for trying new things again, or, you know, you'd feel bad. So I think you can just kind of make a, you know, light conversation.

Make a joke, kind of.

Like, first of all, besides the fact that he got distracted before he got distracted, how was the experience for you? Is it something you want to try again?

It was great.

Yes.

Oh, absolutely. I would totally do it again, and I'm sure he wants to also.

I would imagine. Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah. It seems like it worked. So I would, in a way. So I think, sweetie, you just gotta say to him, babe, we gotta talk to you about something. Like, we watched porn that was hot, but part of it was just to kind of get us turn on, maybe inspire us for stuff that we could do together. And I felt like you got distracted. I understand that. But it's important to me that you come back to me for intimacy and that we finish up and then he's gonna be like, oh, I thought we watch it together. We both get off masturbating or whatever, you know, And. And I've had that as well. I'm telling you, early on, when I watched porn, I remember a guy, like, I kept looking up at him, and his eyes were. Kept staring at the tv, and then I feel like, oh, my God, I.

Wanted to slap him.

Oh, I get it. No, I get it.

I'm like, please, babe, I'm right in front of you.

Right? And I think he just probably. He just didn't know. He got. And you think like, come on. How do you not know? But I'm telling you, sometimes people just don't know. They don't know the most. If you've listened to the show, you know that we're just. We're not. Sometimes we're, like, in the same room, but we're not having the same experience. But I love that you guys have great sex otherwise. And he in no way wants. I'm sure he didn't want to hurt you. And he'd probably feel really bad and just say, I want you to know that I got really hot too. And I keep thinking about porn that we could watch together, but that just. I think it would feel better if we watch together and then we, you know, go back to us connecting. And I think you can just say that. Not like, this is serious. I'm mad at you. But you could also tell him, like, it just made me feel not desired. You know, it just made me feel less desired. So let's do it again, but this time, let's do it together. Like, let's watch together and then finish up together. And you can even shut it off after a few minutes or 10 minutes, like, if that's fine too. That's something I've done as well. So I think that's the idea that.

You said about, like, I want it as an appetizer, not the entree.

Yeah, just use that.

Say it like that.

Done. Done. Yeah. They clear your plates away, we're turning off the TV right when the. Right when the entree arrives. So that's, I think that's you got to say, sweetie, and you got this. I mean, really. So he wasn't trying to hurt you, he just literally didn't know and sometimes we got to give him the benefit of the doubt. Totally. Okay, awesome. Well, have a good dinner. Thank you. Enjoy your meal. Okay, bye. Thanks, Stephanie. Thanks so much. Bye.

That's a good call, you guys. Seriously, I'm all for you guys trying out new things, but really what I love about this is that Stephanie wasn't like really mad at him and like harboring this terrible anger. Like she's been thinking about it for a month and she's gonna say something in a really calm way and that your part can listen to. And I love that she didn't assume that he was trying to do it to hurt her. He'd rather be watching porn. Sometimes we just don't know. So this is why when things come up, you guys, you gotta let your partner know. Because I guarantee if you're in a loving relationship and they do something that offends you, most time we're not walking around trying to hurt our partners. There's a lot of reasons why we're not often on the same side of things. And when you talk about it, it kind of. It'll make things better, I promise. So talk about all those things that are on your mind right now. And I hope this inspires all of you. If there's something that's happened with your sex life or in your relationship and you've been holding onto it, that tonight or this moment that you're listening to this. Today's the day for you to go home and talk to your partner. Communicate in a non threatening way outside of the bedroom with, you know, your tone should just be like, you know, not angry and express your feelings. Timing is important and so is location. So make sure it's a good time, you guys are relaxed, you're not in the bedroom. And good luck and talk about it, you guys, it gets better. I promise. It'll make things so much easier. Okay, everyone, thanks for listening to the show. That was fun. And thank you to my amazing team. Ken, Jamie, our volunteer, Shannon and Jenny, producer Lark and Michael. And thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Text Ask Emily to 797-979.

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