Open Mics And Open Relationships with Tom Goss

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I find that emotional intimacy is as important, if not more important than physical intimacy for me.

Okay.

And so for me to be physically intimate with a person, I really want to have an emotional connection and I really want to share that. And that led to falling in love for me with somebody who wasn't my husband. And this record really is about that journey.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show I'm joined by musician Tom Goss to talk about opening up relationships and his new album that explains it all. Plus, I'm answering your emails. Topics include what it's like to go from being monogamous and in love with one person to being polyamorous and in love with two people. Why? Cheating doesn't necessarily mean the end of a relationship. So your partner has a way higher sex drive than you but won't initiate. What do you do now? And you're not keen on swallowing or spitting during a blow job. So where's a guy to finish all this and more? Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken and he thinks.

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You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. you're gonna love our site and you can find me on all social. It is exwithemily across the board. Alright, guys, hope you enjoy the show. I'm so excited to welcome my guest. Tom goss is here. Tomgossmusic.com and omgoss music. We'll have all this in our show notes. And Tom, singer, songwriter. You've got a lot going on. You're going on tour tomorrow and you stop by to say hello, which is awesome. But what I love is your new album that's coming out, which assumes this is what you're playing on tour before it comes out though.

Yeah, yeah. So it's really nice to get out there and just test these songs and get people. And I'm gonna sell it on the road. So everybody who comes to the show.

They can buy it.

They can buy it a month before anybody else.

Okay, good. See, that's another reason to go. It's called territories. And this is why he's here. What I love is that it's written over the course of a year he has travels with your husband and a new lover. So it tells the story of being in a marriage and then kind of having that blossom into another type of arrangement.

Yeah. And my husband and I were in a monogamous relationship for 10 years.

Okay.

You know, it started to be really hard for my. For my husband to. He really needed something different.

Okay.

And it wasn't. You know, it's really easy at this point in time, four years later to talk about, oh, yeah. Then we just had this like nice conversation. But obviously it didn't go that easily.

Well, didn't he cheat on you?

Yeah.

Okay, well, let's. That's what happened, right? Yeah. I'm sorry. You're good though.

No, I'm good. I love how blunt you were about that. No, it was like the weirdest.

You said it wasn't working for him and I'm like, well, I know that he cheated and then. But the amazing thing is that he cheated but then you were able to. I'm sure. And that was painful.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, my entire world crumbled. You know what? I think it's really interesting to me, you know, because we're told you do two things when somebody.

When you.

Infidelity is in a relationship. You break up with the person, you say, fuck you. You never talk to them again, you burn all their things. Right. We've all seen the movie.

Exactly.

The second thing you do is you forgive them. You make all sorts of ultimatums, and you put a really tight leash on them and you resent them for the rest of your life. Right, right. These are like your two options. None of us.

I mean, there is a. I mean. Well, maybe there's a fourth. Cause we'll get to your. Sometimes for people, they can rebuild trust and they get over, but only if they have intense, intense therapy. But mostly they don't do that.

No, absolutely. Or what you've done, or the same thing. Intense, intense therapy. And then, you know, being a little more honest about. About what my husband was struggling with at the time, and he was going through all sorts of his own things, and this is how it was coming out. And I don't. You know, I know this is gonna sound a little bit like victim shaming, but part of me was like, why am I not in a relationship where my. My husband and I can have this openly and it doesn't have to be deceptive, and it could be something that's really open and honest and understand. So I went into the open relationship, just really supporting him on his journey and really wanting to help him discover what he needed. But I also was a complete wreck, and my entire world was falling apart because everything that I believed in, the foundation of that, my life, my art, everything, had kind of just crumbled.

Right.

And so I really needed to go on my own journey to figure out what I needed from me. Because for me, it was like whatever I needed to support the relationship and my husband. And when that got pulled away, that was left with almost nothing.

What were you saying initially then? So you found out of this indiscretion, and then you're like, okay, well, I get that he has to open it up. And then you tried to open it up right away, or you just sort of waited. Because the reason why. Let me tell you this, people call in all the time. And I think that's sort of a trend right now that people are. It's just sort of. There's more of an interest now. People are realizing that monogamy isn't for everybody. And that open relationships aren't just for sex addicts or crazy people or people. Oh, it's never gonna work, because monogamy doesn't work for a lot of people. So your journey to that. It wasn't like he. You. He had this indiscretion. You're like, sign me up for polyamory or open relationships.

You had to go through the. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you had to. But then you've learned how to.

Well, it's been interesting to me, you know, because I had to figure out who I was as a sexual being. Just initially. I mean, I went from being a virgin. You know, I hadn't even really gone on any date. I thought I was asexual until I was, like, 23.

You did?

Yeah. And I was in Catholic seminary. I was a celibate. And then I met my husband, and he's really the first person I ever dated. So for me, it was also like, who am I as a sexual being? And that was an opportunity for me to go on my own journey. And what is sex to me? What is intimacy? What is relationship to me? And I really had to go through a lot, and I'm still going through a lot of trying to figure out what that is.

Yeah, you've never really done. So how long have you been on this journey? When did this. When did your relationship start?

Four years. And it was probably a year of. It was a lot of me just, like, breaking. Breaking and trying to heal and trying to understand what that meant. And then, you know, even going on a date, we, like, call them dates, you know.

Was hard initially, at first, and there was a lot of, you know, there was a lot of shame involved, not only from me to myself, but also then my husband towards me, which when I was like, wait, I don't understand what's happening, right? Because we're dealing with all these social conflicts of what these things say, like, we're an open relationship, but does that.

Mean that you don't have jealousy or.

Yeah, you don't have jealousy or you don't have these preconceived notions that have been ingrained in us from every single piece of information we've gotten about relationships and society at large for every second of our life. And so there was really a lot of that. And what I found out for myself that.

Yeah, what'd you find?

I find that emotional intimacy is as important, if not more important than physical intimacy for me. And so for me to be physically intimate with a person, I really want to have an emotional. And I really Want to share that. And that led to falling in love for me with somebody who wasn't my husband. And this record really is about that journey. And you really start facing a lot of questions. You know, I keep talking about the societal constructs for what love is, and when all of a sudden you're in this different relationship, you're realizing, like, oh, wait, that's not what's going on. It's like when you. When you come out as gay, you're supposed to be a horrible person and a sinner and all these things. And you're like, wait, no, I'm not.

You have to keep peeling back going, wait, this doesn't serve me. Someone told me this. And you were stunned, like, you were in the priesthood.

Mm. Yeah.

I mean, that's crazy to me too. You were in the priesthood, and so, of course, you probably thought you were asexual because you're like, not only because of that, but also because of the religion. Studying to be a priest.

It really was about, like, I'm attracted to chubby men, right? So it was another social contract thing. Like, I didn't know that I could be that. Right. Like, I was. I wrestled all through college. So I'm showering with 60 guys every single day, and I'm like, well, I'm not attracted to them, so I'm not gay. I'm not attracted to women, so I'm not straight. But I wasn't like, I should look at this, you know?

So the second you saw. Wait, let me get this straight. So up until what age?

Probably 20, 22. 23. Probably 23.

23. And you're walking down the street, and then all of a sudden you see a chubby guy.

It wasn't like that. I fell in love. Just, like.

Cause you emotionally connected.

Because I emotionally connected. And there was a physical attraction to the chubby guy. And then I was like, oh, like, okay, I'm into your belly. Okay. I'm into, like, these parts of your body that is supp. But for me, I just like, oh, yeah, I want more of that.

Right? I love it. And you gave yourself permission, even though society might be like, that's not how most people love or whatever. You figured it out.

Exactly.

So then this album. Okay, so then you wrote this album because. Was it. Because. I mean, I would think the best time to create art is when you're going through turmoil and figuring out who you are.

So the song is what sort of.

Came out of you?

Like, yeah. I mean, this. I mean, it was. It's so Ripe for material. And we would get into these fights sometimes. And some of my newest single's called La Bufadora, and we would get into these fights, and he would say something, and it would often be, like, the saddest, hardest thing I've ever heard in my life. You know what I mean? Yeah. When we're in these discussions or we're in a fight, and I'm not. I don't mean fight, fight, but I mean, sometimes you're just talking. You're being, like, so honest, and you're. You're.

You say things that you think you can't say, and then it comes out. And then he says, you're like, oh.

You'Re raw and everybody's open, and you're just like. I would sometimes just be like, say those words in my head over and over and over again. So I could just write them word for word in a song. Because I'm like, well, you can't be.

Give me some of the. Give me some of the words right now. Can you tell me the key?

Yeah. There's a song called Quebec, which is gonna be a single that comes out in November.

Okay.

And the chorus. The chorus is, we were walking down the street in Quebec City, and we were trying to connect, but we were just, like, struggling. And he stopped. My husband can't walk and talk at the same time. He just stops, and all of a sudden he's behind me. I'm like, oh, he has something to say. You know what I mean? Oh, wow.

Okay.

So he stopped, and he just, like, broke down in the freezing cold. And he said, we are not us. There is another us to us. We are not special. We are no longer special. Straight up. That's the chorus of Quebec, word for word.

That's amazing. He's so poetic. Sounds like it's. I wouldn't mind that he stopped, because for me, if someone couldn't walk and talk, we'd be done. But if he stopped and then said something super profound, I'd be like, okay, maybe this could work. Wow.

And that was true.

There is no us. Right. So have you found that there's also an us in you? Like, have you bought that us back?

Well, that's not my perspective. Right. That's his perspective. So I always felt like there was an us. I've always loved him. I mean, the reason that I went on this journey was because I loved him. And in some ways, I completely sacrificed myself and everything that I believed in the world to help him on his own journey. Like, if that's not love. I don't know what is.

Exactly. That's another song.

I want to know.

That's not yours. But the other thing is, is your husband in the same place that he's looking for emotional intimacy as well? Or for him, is it more physical? Because that could also be another thing you guys got to talk about.

I mean, yeah, I mean, I think both, like, emotional intimacy. Like, we're both not, like, anonymous type of people, you know? But I think for me, it's, you know, just to be honest, like, I'm better at maintaining relationships than my husband. My husband wants the emotional connection, but then, like, people kind of annoy him. Like, I want to be alone, you know, Whereas that's not really me. I'm kind of like, so how have.

You guys figured out to work these boundaries together, wanting different things? Because you've been four years in? You said so many conversations ad nauseam, right?

Like, every day. Yeah, yeah, almost every day. And, yeah, definitely lots of therapy. I mean, I think I'm really grateful for the infidelity because it really taught me how to communicate better. We're still horrible sometimes. Don't get me wrong.

It's a process. We're always learning.

It's a process. But I feel like there's things that my husband could say to me, and there's things that I can say to him that we could have never in a million years said to each other before.

Ooh, I want to hear that. We're talking to Tom goss right now, tomgossmusic.com and they can go there and find out your tour and your new album coming out on November 13th. Okay, so what did you find out?

Oh, well, that's a really good question. I mean, I mostly just find out about. You find out about the inner workings of people, right? Not only from a sexual standpoint, but from an emotional standpoint, from a historical standpoint about.

How he's perceived his physicality and his sexuality throughout his life. I think part of it, you know, one of the things that I do a lot, obviously, I've already mentioned that I like big men, and I'm well known for talking about that in my art. And I made a song called Bears, and I made a song called Round in All the Right Places. And I make these videos.

I loved your. We were watching your video. We watched your new videos, and then we watched your video with the.

The interactive one.

Interactive video.

Oh, click.

Yeah, that's brilliant. I'm like, this should have 8 million views.

It should.

Okay, We're Gonna put it on our show notes right now so people can go to sexwithelmi.com, you gotta check out. You gotta check out Tom Goss clique. Is that what it's called? Yeah, it's called choose your own ending.

Yeah. And you choose your own lovers, and it's guys and girls and it's all sorts of shapes and stuff.

The dating app should buy this from you, too.

Agreed.

Yeah. You're hilarious. And I loved watching you. Okay, so anyway, I'm just plugging your shit and interrupting you, but I can interrupt you to plug your shit.

I appreciate that. And I think part of it. Part of the thing that was hard for me initially is that I had spent all this time putting out this energy into the world to, like, uplift men of size and to create art that shows them in a different light than the rest of society shows them. And in that process, you know, I spent that time, like, uplifting my husband. And then all of a sudden, my husband, at almost 50 years old, was feeling sexy and confident for the first time, and he wanted to explore that in a way which he didn't feel like he could before because he had, you know, issues about his body or issues about his size or issues about how people were seeing him. And so it was hard for me because I was like, in a way, like, well, I gave you that confidence and you turned it against me. You know what I mean?

So you, before the incident happened, you were building him up in the relationship, making him feel good, and then he's unsexy. And then you're like, you had an affair, dude. You've been through a lot, but that's okay. I feel like that's my role in the world. I'm getting your journey. I'm riding with you here. Like, that's another layer you just keep throwing down all the stuff you guys went through.

At some point in time, it has to be less about my hurt. Like, I can talk about my hurt all day. Fine, whatever. But what does that accomplish? Like, at some point in time, I need to be empathetic to what he's going through and his experience in order to be sensitive to that and honest to that. And I can be honest and we can disagree, but as long as we're both being true to our experiences, I think that's the most important thing.

Right. And what I love that you said, which I think a lot of people don't get, is that for many people having an affair, like, it's the most. Like, a lot of us Think, oh, God, I'd be done. All the stuff would be burned on the side. Is that for a lot of couples, it actually can be just what they need to bring them closer together. It can actually break through to another level that they never experience. If they do the work, they stick with it. They go into therapy. So now I'm gonna assume that. Not saying it's perfect, it's always challenging, but that you guys are closer and.

More intimate, and in so many ways, we're closer. I'm not gonna say that. There's not.

I don't think it's perfect.

Yeah, it's not perfect. And there's things that still sometimes are hard for me.

Which part about the open part being open or which part's hard? People are so curious about how you navigate. How can you see your partner be in love with someone else? Like, people, they're just like, there's just no way.

No, I don't have to do that, but my husband has to do that. And I can't imagine how hard that.

Is because he's not in love with.

Anyone else, because he's not in love with anybody else. And so I think sometimes.

He'S in the process of struggling with that and working through that. And when you're both working through things, sometimes it just rubs in the wrong direction. Like, nothing that I do.

I feel like you guys got in a fight today or something.

No.

Okay, good. Cause there's been a lot of. Like, I thought you were saying, like, it's still hard. It's still hard. You didn't.

No. No. Look, I'm so happy. I'm good. I'm very, very lucky. My husband is amazing. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. No, he's not.

I get it. I want you to be with him, too. I do. I'm not trying.

Yeah, no. I feel like we're in a really super great place. I don't mean to. I'm just a person that only looks at the flaws. I don't know why.

Same. Are you Jewish?

No.

Okay. I get to. I don't know. We're all neurotic.

I mean, I built.

Here's all the bad things that happened today.

I think one of the hardest thing for me is it took me. I mean, it took me, like, a week. It was like I was just going down that spiral of a week of catching the infidelity, realizing the magnitude of the infidelity, and then, like, crying a lot. And then you start doing this thing where you're like, well, he said he loved me and I'm the one for him, and da da, da, da, da. He said that. June 22, 2011. Was that true? Was this trip that I went on true? Was this da da da da. And you start going through all these things. And I think the thing that I realized and what really helped me get to the next level is that all of the good things are true, all of the bad things are true. Like, everything happened. They all can coexist in the same person. And I think that's why I answer questions like this, because I think I see the world that way. I don't see myself that way. For me, I'm like, no, you're horrible. You didn't do that math equation. Right. You know what I mean?

Like, who cares, dude? I get. I get it. I do that as well, so. But what I want to say then is the two of you right now, so you're dealing with. He has to deal with you being in love with someone else. But how do you feel about him having sex with others? How does that impact you?

You know, it changes a lot. You know, it kind of depends. Like, I kind of, you know, oftentimes I think it's really fun, and I think it's kind of sexy. And I like the idea of him as, like, a strong, virile man. You know what I mean?

And other men are attracted to him, so that could be hot.

I don't. You know, we're attracted to different things, so we don't really experience these things together. And that saddens me a little bit.

Because you don't experience, like.

Yeah, our physical types are so you.

Can'T have, like, threesomes.

Yeah. Yeah. But sometimes we do couple swaps, and that's really so fun. And it's such a wonderful experience. You so physically varying people. I know he's not gonna listen to this, and thank God he's so mad at me for everything that I'm saying.

But this is your life. You wrote songs. Your song. Tom Goss, your new album, is about this.

I'm fine with it.

He'll be okay. He loves you. You've been together a long time. But here's the thing. You have an open relationship, but you have boundaries. Can you tell me what some of those boundaries are? I always talk about boundaries in the show, set boundaries, but it would be good to hear some real life examples.

Yeah. So for us, the boundaries really were about, you know, obviously, it's being safe.

Right.

We are obviously each other's primary Partners. And that means we engage in sex and intimacy in a different level than other people, than we do with other people. And so we need to be very careful that we are safe with each other and that we always understand that we're not harming other people. A lot of it's about honesty and just telling people what we're doing. We don't really engage when we're together. We both travel a lot, so that kind of makes. Makes that piece of it a little.

Easier that you're traveling.

Yeah. Or he's traveling or I'm traveling. But when we're together, we're together. And so I have a lot of, you know, friends that I. That I often. That I also am intimate with, and they're also friends with him. And they know when we're together, we're together. Like if somebody crosses that boundary or somebody, you know, then that's. No, they need to respect my relationship and they need to respect that my husband is my husband.

Right.

So most of the time.

And that includes my lover.

Yeah. So it mostly happens when you guys are. One of you is out of town.

Yeah, for sure.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

Cause I wouldn't want to be like home and have nothing to do when my partner's out unless I had planned it ahead of time.

Exactly.

Although everyone has their own rules.

I understand everybody has their own rules. And I do think that that would be really hard on me if I was having like a particularly hard day and the mic was like, oh, I'm gonna go on a date today.

And I'm just like, I think that's everyone's nightmare. So I think the fact that you explained that boundary, like, it's when you're out of town or when you're not, I mean, some couples might be able to handle it, but it sounds like you guys are doing well and it's made great art for you. So, Tom Goss, I have to ask you five questions. I asked all of our guests, and then we're telling where they can find you on your tour. Okay. What's your biggest turn on?

Oh, my God.

Quickie questions.

I mean, it's, it's. I. I love, I love round shaped men, you know, So, I mean, it could be round faces, it could be a round butt, it could be around belly, it could be around chest. Like I.

Round.

Yeah, you should, you should just go to round and all to watch my video round in all the right places, which I directed, which was essentially like me filming my fantasies.

Okay. Yes, do that. We can also put that in the show notes right now@sexwithemily.com, all your videos. Biggest turnoff.

I really like nice people. Right. And so if you're not nice, it's like, it doesn't matter how physically attracted I am to you. As soon as you're not nice and you're kind of gross, it's like, okay, bye.

I feel you. People date assholes. I'm like, I couldn't date an asshole. You're an evil.

But he's really hot.

It's like, I don't care that you're an asshole.

I don't care.

I feel you. What makes good sex Connection? Something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

I think I would cut myself some slack. I think I would cut myself a lot of slack, for sure. I think I'm very hard on myself in general, and I think I worked. You know, when we were monogamous, there was problems there too, and it was really hard for both of us.

I think I spent a lot of time worrying about it. And I think that's how our communication got really closed off, is we started disengaging because sometimes the connection wasn't perfect. And I think I would tell myself to relax and cut myself some slack and cut myself.

And I would tell yourself that now, too.

For sure.

Okay. Just. Cause sometimes we forget.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because you're going on tour and it's exciting right now.

Yeah.

Number one sex tip.

I would say learn how to kiss.

Yeah.

Because if you're not connected from the onset, like, for me, you can just forget about it.

Okay, That's a good. Well, thank you, Tom.

How can everyone find you tomgossmusic.com or any of the social medias at tomgossmusic?

Okay, thanks for being here.

Thank you.

Good luck. You're taking. All right, we're gonna take a quick break and we come back. We're gonna get into your emails.

It's time for Emails with Emily. We need a song.

We do need a song.

We need a jingle Jamie.

A jingle jangle.

A jingle jangle, Jamie. Okay, Jamie. I am obsessed with answering questions. It's why I exist on the planet. But if you want a question, answer that on the show. Just go to my website, sex with emily.com, click the Ask Emily tab, fill out the short form or email feedbackexwithemily.com. but please, please, please include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And I also want to tell you that I am on Sirius XM radio. Five days a week and it's Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm Pacific, 8 to 10 East. And I'll tell you more about this a little bit, but if you want to call into the show, write this number down. You don't really even have to have serious, but you could get a free 30 day trial. But just call me Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm Pacific at 8889478277 and we can have a conversation and I can easily answer your questions. More that@sexwithemily.com SXM all right, Jamie.

Okay.

If you want to read the emails, that's awesome.

I do indeed. Okay, so this first one comes to us from Dee, who's 62 in Oregon. Dear Dr. Emily, My husband listens to you religiously. He has a strong sex drive and I have very little. He makes many suggestions for things for us to try, buys me things like underwear and toys. I like the toys he has bought when we use them. My issue is that he will not initiate and I don't like to. I'm not usually in the mood. So when we get in bed, if he initiates that helps, but he won't. He has said it's up to me but I want it to feel spontaneous. Today he asked me what my turn ons are and I told him it's when we get into bed and he rolls over and starts kissing me. Plus, I like the morning better. The only time we have sex is when I say let's go back to bed in the morning. As I write this, I realize that I have been feeling like a freak because I don't want sex that much and it's my fault that we don't have it more often. I think there's a bigger picture to this issue, but it's what it's all that I'm focused on at the moment. Am I a freak?

Hey D. See this is. There's a few things to say here. First off, I love it. In writing this email to me, you actually had clarity. You're like, oh wait a minute, I'm writing this. And now I realize maybe you know, I'm part of the problem. So I want to say that there's a lot of therapeutic value sometimes in just writing things out. So that's why journaling is important. And sometimes if you're in an argument with someone, it can help to write them a letter that you're not going to send. So anyway, that's one point. Okay. Also, you are not a Freak at Aldi. Here's what I see going on. There's a few things. You're 62 years old. I don't know how long you guys have been together, but, hey, our sex drive, our desire definitely takes a dip. You know, women go through menopause, you know, in our 50s. It just starts to feel like it's more of a chore. Now, that doesn't mean your sex life is over. So part of this is you, you know, using some of those toys when he's not home. You know, what I like in masturbation, too, is a little bit like working out. We never want to do it, or if we're not in the habit of it, and then we. You know, sometimes the hardest part is like, getting your shoes on, leaving the house, getting in the car. But once we get to the gym, we're like, okay, okay, I'm ready to go. So I feel like it's kind of like about that, about your sex drive, that the more you can get, keep yourself turned on, keep your own pilot light lit, the more sex will be top of mind, and the more you'd be likely to initiate. So I also get that it's tricky. And I feel like he probably doesn't want to initiate because he's like, I've been doing this the whole time, and I want to feel desired as well. So if you really like morning sex, I feel like you could do a few things. You could set your alarm a few minutes earlier and then initiate. That way, like when your alarm goes off, you roll over and you start sex, rather than saying, let's come back to bed, because then you know what's going to happen and what's really happening here is communication, because it sounds like you guys both want to be connecting, and it's just not happening. So if you could really say to him in a loving way, when it's not just after a nine on one one of these frustrating times where no one's initiating. And it's like when you guys are at dinner on date night, hanging out, just say, you know what? I really want to bring up this thing about the frequency of our sex and who's going to initiate when. And you could explain to him that you really want to feel desired by him, but you understand that he wants that from you and share with him, well, how about if I set the alarm early in the morning, you can just tell him this and you can let them know, maybe when sex is the best for you besides the mornings, maybe you guys decide Saturdays, maybe you Guys do it the morning, once a week, and then on the weekends. So finding maybe afternoon sex. You know, it's funny, there was a study came out, and now that I read the study, I keep hearing this from a lot of women I know, and they're like, God, I just love afternoon sex. They just love afternoon sex. So if you know that or morning sex, you know, something in the middle of the day. So I feel like knowing this about yourself could mean that you could both figure out, you know, if you know what that looks like. So you said you like the toys, so maybe you leave the toy out as a reminder. Maybe that's your sign. Like tonight we're going to have, you know, we're going to have sex. And then remember to use that toy on yourself as well. I mean, you are not a freak at all, I can tell you that. But I promise you, if you have a healthy conversation with your husband without blaming him, without shaming him, without arguing and, you know, resisting his urgent for you to initiate, and you kind of can come to a solution and compromise, which, let's be honest, I'm sure that in other areas of your relationship, you've had to compromise. And sex isn't really that different. It's just about everyone picks their favorite roles or, you know, how you guys are going to get to the bottom of this, and you make a plan for it. You make a sex plan, and what a great time to do it at the end of the year to plan how you guys can both get your needs met. Because I guarantee you, the more interested you get in sex and the more you get your body on board with it, it, the easier it will be. Thanks for your email, Dee. Right. Okay.

And I like that they both listen now.

Me too. I love it, you guys. I'm telling you, it's like free therapy. If you and your partner, if your partner's on into it, like, if you think they won't be into it, find part of the podcast that you like or something that you think would interest them rather than just putting on. You know, we have so many shows that they wouldn't probably know. Yeah, they're probably overwhelmed. So find, like, maybe there's an email that really resonated or one of the calls. Yes. Or a guest. And then say, babe, I want you to hear something. And the next time maybe you guys are making dinner or you're in the car, play it for them. Because we hear from couples all the time. And it's definitely more and more in the last few years that couples Just listen together and then it's an easier way to have the conversation about whatever it is and it sparks topics that you might never have talked about. So just use me, use me, use Jamie. We're cool.

We're cool. All right, so this next one comes to us from Peter, who is 28 in California. Dear Dr. Emily, My now ex fiance and I have recently ended our engagement of one year and relationship of eight years. My question is, in the future, when I go back into the world of dating or even hooking up, how, when do I present that to someone that I meet that I'm interested in? I definitely don't want to seem like I'm hiding anything, but I also want to be honest about it. I don't want to scare someone off by saying something too soon if it's not the time and place. Thank you.

Alright, Peter, this is such an interesting question because my thing is like, like, gosh, if I was in my 20s dating someone and I knew that they were engaged, that that would tell me that this is someone who really knows how to be in a relationship and that they're really like looking for a partner. And so to me, I don't think that that's a thorn or a negative, you know, thing. I think it's a badge of honor that you actually could commit. I don't see it as a failure. So I don't think that you need to, you know, share it right away like, oh my God, before we go further on this first date, let me tell you all about my history. And I was engaged, but it ended and blah, blah, blah. But I think that the natural discussion that comes up on dates early on is someone says, so what's your dating history like? And then you can tell them, well, I was in a serious relationship, we were engaged, but decided that, you know, we were just wanted separate things. And here I am now because again, I think it's just the way you present it and so that's, I wouldn't worry about it. So I think that you just let them know what happens. And I don't think it's a deterrent or it's negative. It just shows that a relationship didn't work out. But you're a man who knows how to communicate, commit. So the final notice, you don't want to trash your ex. So I think that when someone asks you what goes wrong in a relationship, you know, even if your partner was the worst person on the planet and they cheated on you and they did all these horrible things and stole your money, or what else could they do? Drugs or. I don't know.

Yeah, they liked your brother.

Yeah. Like, yeah. I still think. I still think that you have to just. Just because this is actually truth. I think that you're ready to get into a relationship when you don't have that anger about your ex. No matter what happened, when even if it was horrific or just, you know, not great, you can share it in a way where you just say something like, you know what? They were a great person. Or, we had many good years together, but it just didn't work out. And I think that's all you really have to say. And if someone probes you on it, you can say, you know what, we wanted different values or we wanted different things. But my point is, is when you come off like the victim, you and you say, oh, God, my partner did all these terrible things to me and they were a terrible person. I just think it does. Or whatever it is. Or they were, you know, they were awful for me. I just think it doesn't show a lot of maturity. And it also shows that you still are holding a grudge and it just comes off as angry.

It does. It really does. And I. It's true. Like, if someone told me, like, yeah, you know, I was engaged and you're together for a long time and it didn't work out, like, I would not be like, oh, he was engaged. I'm scared. Like, it's. I'd be like, oh, well, that's cool. I'm glad you didn't get married and have an unhappy life.

Right. Like, how great that you knew to end it after eight years. That must have been tough.

That's actually. It is courageous, like you said.

Yeah, definitely.

Because most people would have just gotten married anyways and had a shit life and gotten divorced later.

Like, well, we already sent the invites out. Or.

Right.

Already picked out the ring. Just go through with it.

Don't ever. Just go through.

Don't ever do. If you're not sure about anything like marriage or kids, that's when you take a beat and you get clear.

Okay, this last one comes to us from Emma, who's 25 in Nebraska. Dear Dr. Emily, when it comes to blowjobs, I feel like I don't want to spit or swallow because I prefer a guy not to jackalate in my mouth at all. I just don't like the taste and I'm afraid to gag. What do you think is the best solution? I have a small chest, so I'm a little self conscious about having him come on my chest. So I'm not sure what the best option is. Thanks for your help.

All right, Emma. Okay, so I like this question because I feel like a lot of young women or women in general worry about this. Like, oh, my God, what do I do? But specifically, you know, spitting or swallowing. Here's the thing. I think a lot of women go through these barriers where they're like, oh, I had a bad experience, or it tasted, you know, it might taste bad, or it did taste bad, or maybe you gagged once, or maybe someone didn't tell you they were going to come and they did. And so I feel like it's really not as bad as you think, and it might be something that you might want to practice in the future, getting over it and just feeling like, you know what? I'm gonna try to swallow and just, you know, take a gulp and see what happens. But again, you should not be pressured to do anything you do not want to do. Muse lube is a lifesaver for oral, and it tastes delicious. It comes in three flavors. My favorite is the mint chocolate. There's creme brulee, salted caramel, normal. And it's like, it makes oral sex taste better. And by the way, when you're giving a blow job, you want it to be as wet as possible. And sometimes we just don't produce enough saliva. So I think if you're using great flavored lube and your. Your mouth is moving up and down, you might feel like you have more of a blocker. If you don't like the taste, because it's going to be tasting like, you know, salted caramel. And then it also be easier to swallow or just a spit or just to kind of change your course of action here. But if you. If you have a small chest, I really don't think that your partner, you know, isn't gonna wanna finish on your chest. Breasts are still breasts. He's still with you, and he wants to be with you. So I don't feel like that's a negative now. I understand. My hunch, Jamie, is that she sees that in porn a lot. That if someone's coming on a chest, it's like, this woman has ample breasts.

And it's like semen in the cleavage and rubbing together. And it's like, listen.

Yeah, and I've never had great cleavage. I can tell you that I'm a small breasted woman. And I. And I. I think many men have liked to come on my chest. And it's not something that I Or wherever. Or I swap.

I think all. Well, one, all boobs, I think are beautiful.

Yes.

Regardless of size. Because there are. There are perks to every size tit.

True.

There's obviously big people. It's like, you can tell, like, insurance. It, like, helps with, like, certain clothing and it looks good, and you can, like, they can titty you, which is an interesting situation.

Speaking of sex experience, Jamie here.

Yes.

We can't share bras.

We cannot. But I'm envious of people, you know, sometimes with smaller boobs, too, because I think that small boobs can be really cute and perky. They don't sag as much. It's not like the nipple sizes are usually really nice.

Yeah, it's true. And I can wear different things, you know, tank tops.

You don't have to wear a bra if you don't choose to.

Right, exactly. Save a lot of money on bras. That's true. There's a whole bunch of things. So I understand, you know, that this is a thing, but I would really try to take what we're saying here to heart, because body confidence is a. Is a. Is a really important, you know, task that we all have to work on, men and women, everyone what, you know, learning to love our bodies, saying positive affirmations, looking in your. The mirror, touching your breasts when you're masturbating, and figuring out how learning to love them is part of your body as well. So whatever negative connotations you have towards your breasts, I guarantee it's only your. Which is pretty cool because then you get to change it. So you can also ask him, say, hey, babe, let me know when you're about to finish. So he could finish in your hand or his hand. He could come on himself. You could put a towel down. So I think there's some workarounds here. You'll find the right place. Okay, Emma, thanks for that great email. I appreciate your questions. I appreciate all your questions and thanks, everyone for. For everything, for being supportive of the show and for being awesome. If you guys like the show, and I hope you do, please, next time you're on itunes or anywhere you listen to the show, you can do it right now. Actually, you could do this right now. Please rate us and give us five stars and leave a comment if you're into it. That really helps us with the show a lot. So you can also email us with topics or comments and your questions. Feedbackexwithemily.com finally, thank you to my incredible team for another wonderful year here at Sex with Emily. Ken, Christopher, Elisa, Michelle, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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