Oral Sex Essentials

When we think of sex as just being penis goes in vagina, we're missing so much other pleasure and I'm all about the pleasure revolution here. So I'm just trying to enhance your pleasure, decrease your pain. Whether it's emotional pain or physical pain, that's what it's all about. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sexual so why are there so many hangups around oral sex? For starters, many of us don't know how to give it or receive it. So how do we bring amazing orgasm inducing oral into our sex lives? Today's episode is a great place to start. I answer your questions on oral upgrades so you can blow more than just their mind and get the pleasure you deserve. Alright, so when you're new to sex, how do you coach a partner to give you great oral? Or how about when you go down on your partner but they refuse to kiss you afterwards should you say something? And what if your penis owning partner can't finish no matter how good your oral game is? I'll also discuss how porn can distort what we think is good oral sex so you can take what you need from the screen and leave the rest to your IRL abilities. Intentions With Emily for each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to help you feel more confident and comfortable with oral sexual through technique, teasing and most importantly, communication. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show and my new gift guide. Gifts for every turn on Valentine's day gift guide 2023 is up at sex with emily dot com. Check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. It's all at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sex with emily.com Ask Emily or or call my hotline 559-talksex or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And you can totally change your name or choose to remain anonymous. So before we get into today's episode, I want to tell you all about our partner Lelo. You know I love recommending sex toys to spice up any kind of sex. Sex with yourself, sex with your partner and in fact we did an entire episode on sex toys for penis ownership. So remember, sex toys is for everybody. So I'll link to that episode in our show notes. So Lelo's bestselling couples ring. It's the Tour 2. It's a flexible vibrating penis ring that is great for everybody. Penis owners, vulva owners. And why I love penis rings, let me remind you, is yes, they're great for partnered sex because penis owners wearing it, the vibrations feel great in his penis. If he's with a vulva owner, she's on top or wherever and it can hit her clitoris wherever she is. Both of you are getting stimulated, which I, I love. But let me tell you this, you can also take it off the penis, wrap it around your fingers, and use it as a vibrator to guide you when you're giving oral sex. You can tease the shaft, tease the clitoris. I mean, really, you could use this vibrator anywhere. That feels good. And since we have so many wonderful nerve endings in our body, you could trace it all over your partner's body. So the Tor 2 is made of this really smooth, body safe silicone and it comfortably fits all penis sizes, so not to worry. Plus, it's rechargeable, waterproof, and has this intuitive two button interface so you can switch between its stimulation modes, which is very cool. You're going to love this toy. Check it out. You can find the Tor 2@lelo.com tour2 that's lelo.com T O R-2 plus, you get 25% off all Lelo products if you use the code Emily at checkout. That's lelo.com code Emily. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

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Corrine, 22 in D.C. has a question. Hi, Corrine, what's going on? How can I help you?

Hey, Emily.

Hi.

Okay, I just have a little teensy problem that's kind of big.

So I've been talking to this guy for a couple of months and you.

Know, we decided to do the do.

And he's not really good at the giving head situation. So I don't know how to like I felt like I tried to direct him. I don't feel like he was still picking it up. I just, I wonder how I could better probably teach him.

Great question. Because this is important. Well, here's the thing, Corrine, here's the thing. Is he your age as well? Is he 22?

He is 22. Actually 21. So.

Okay. Does he want to please you? Do you think he wants to get good at it? Is he trying?

Yeah, he is trying. Okay.

So that's good because there's some guys who are like, nope, I'm not into it. It's not my thing. So we know he wants to try. Have you had good oral sex before?

So that's the thing.

I haven't had a lot of it, no.

Right. I was going to tell you that most listen and I don't want this to be an unpopular. I don't often just say things like this. But when you're 22, 21, he haven't had as much experience. It's a skill and it takes different women and different experiences to kind of know what you're doing. And I don't think I had great oral ties like in my 30s. So like I'm just telling you that most people don't know, especially at that age. It takes practice or maybe if you find someone who's been with a partner for a while and then they, you know, if they maybe if they had like a long term girlfriend and they figured out. So anyway, he's probably just doesn't know. Right. But then you don't know either because you probably haven't had it. Well, my first question is, every woman's body is a little bit different, but do you have orgasms on your own?

Do I have orgasms on my own? Yeah.

Yeah. Do you master. Do you masturbate?

I do, yes. Yes.

Okay, so you know what feels?

I don't use any toys, but.

Oh, that's okay. You don't have to use toys, but do you have an orgasm? Have you had one?

I do, yes.

Oh, good. Amazing. So do you, like, touch your clitoris? Do you. You rub yourself. Do you know what you do when you're touching yourself?

Probably just dump a finger in inside.

Okay, awesome. That's a good step. That's a good start. Have you ever had an orgasm with this person? Like, do through penetration or through sex?

No.

Not a finished orgasm? Probably not.

Okay, got it. So this is good, but, yeah, it feels good, but not an orgasm. Okay. So I would. I would first. The first thing that's important is to go. Is just to go slow because I feel like a great, like, overall oral sex tip. If you're. If you're going down on a vulva would be to make sure your hands are clean to get a comfortable position and then just start to tease and, like, lick around the clitoris. You know, maybe like. Like tease your thighs and. And sort of not go right for the clitoris and start, like, munching away at it and aggressively. That. I think for many women, it's a lighter touch and it's a buildup, and it's slow and it's sort of like making out with your mouth, but they're sort of making out with your vulva, external part of your vagina. Like, you could even show him what you do when you masturbate, like, how you touch yourself to bring yourself to orgasm. Because that is also really, like, I. A hot thing to do is to have him watch, like, you do it. So you could also do mutual masturbation where you're both masturbating and getting yourselves off, and then it's really hot to watch each other. And then also, you are learning, kind of he's learning by watching you what you like. So.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, that's a great thing to do, you know, And I think that for a lot of guys, maybe starting out or just in general, they just go really fast, right? They go in with their mouth. Like, I don't know what they think they should be doing. You know, they're just like, it's too hard. It's too fast. It's too aggressive. You're not warmed up. Because women are like a little, like, slow cookers, right? And men are sort of frying pans. Men get going right away, but women need to be teased, and we need to get aroused. And, like, our clitoris needs to wake up a little bit when there's arousal, but just going right at it. And, like, a lot of times in porn, you just go right to, like, someone licking really intensely. And so if you haven't a lot of experience, you might just mimic what you see in porn. He might be doing that. He might be doing something he saw in porn. And a lot of the stuff that we see in porn is just for camera. It doesn't actually feel good. So, again, it's experimenting and actually asking him, too, and saying, is it okay if I give you direction, like, when you're doing it? And you guys could sort of learn together, But I would say circles. Like, you know, with his tongue, he could do circles. He could go slowly with his tongue and use it in different areas, the kind of different pinpoints with his tongue. The other thing that I'm thinking of is the Kibin method. There's this method if you go to sex with emily.com and you look up the K method, the clitoris is not just your little bud right above your vaginal opening, but there's so many nerve endings that extend in your labia and stuff like that. So he comes in perpendicular, like, you're lying down, and he's coming in at you from the side. Sort of like, think about him licking you from thigh to thigh and not, like, up and down, like, from toes to head, right? And if he takes his tongue and he's licking you from the outside of your labia to the ins, like from your outer labia, and then across, he's covering more surface area. And that by covering more surface area, he's going to be hitting more nerve endings with his tongue.

Okay. Okay, Emily. Yeah, let me check that out.

All right, Green. And now, so if you go to sex withelmily.com, we've got a lot of great tips there for you, but I would start with some of those and just be patient with them. I love that he wants to try, right? No.

Thank you so much.

Oh, my God. You're so welcome. All right, next up, we have an email from Bill 54 in Minnesota. I've been married to my wife for 25 years. I love to perform oral sex on her. The problem is that after I do, she Refuses to kiss me. I missed that part. I appreciate any assistance. Thank you for the difference you make in the world. Thank you, Bill, for the question. Is the part of you wanting to kiss right after because you think that's hot that you went down on her? I understand this. Maybe you could have a glass of water by the bed. I don't know that if your wife of 25 years, you're going to be able to convince her. But I think that's super sexy and hot to do that because you're already exchanging all these fluids. But if you kind of have some, you know, maybe you take a drink of water. Have you asked her what part of it is the refusing? She think it's, like, unsanitary. I mean, you could have minced by the bed. In fact, using those mint strips when you're performing oral on someone can be very hot. Test that out. That's a fun thing to do at home. I'm not saying that it's going to feel good to everybody, but it might feel good to you or to your partner. But if you go down on her with those strips in your mouth and then you're already minty, that might help. But again, I would ask her what it is about it, and then maybe you can move through it. Maybe she believes that she could get sick from it. We don't know. I think it's okay to challenge our partners, and I hate to even use the word challenge, but to get curious when your partner just says, no, this is off limits, or I'm never doing that. You could say, oh, tell me more about that. It's such a great phrase to adopt in any conversation. Tell me more about that. Really? What do you think that's about? More? Also another thing to say is I notice. I notice that whenever I try to initiate sex lately it feels like maybe you're not in the mood as much. Am I getting the right message or. I noticed that when we have sex that sometimes it seems like you're in pain. Is that true? Or I noticed that you're not really into going down to me as much anymore. Is there something going on? And let's talk to Sherry, 58 in California. Hi, Sheri. What's going on?

Hi. Yeah.

Hi, Emily.

Hi.

I started dating someone recently, like in July. And we've had sex, you know, a few times. But when he first started, he couldn't have an orgasm. He said, well, he hasn't had sex for a while, so maybe that's the reason. Right. So we keep trying, and he still Hasn't. And I'm, you know, giving him, like, blowjobs like crazy, and nothing's happening. He won't give me any feedback about what I'm doing wrong. I never experienced this with anyone else, so I know it's not my technique.

Yeah.

At least normally. Okay, you know what?

You gotta tell me what I'm doing. I'm down here for like a half an hour, 45 minutes. And, like, it's like. It's quiet as a church mouth. It's like.

It's a grind. Sherry. It sounds to me like he's a delayed ejaculator. That's why the blowjob gets a bad rap. Because you're like, this is a fucking job, Sherry. I bet you he's a delayed ejaculator. It's like premature ejaculation. This is the other side of it. And it's for men who last. Typically, I don't like to put time around it, but it is about 30 minutes to an hour. They just really cannot ejaculate. It takes them that long. And it's delayed ejaculation. There's a lot of different causes for it. We don't know exactly a lot of things. It's mental. It. It could be something physical, but it's actually one of these conditions, and it's very common for men. Actually, I hear about delayed ejaculation. Yeah, it's pretty common. I was with a guy once, too. Sherry. Same thing. And I was like, what is the problem? I'm really good at oral. I know what I'm doing. Am I not? What happened? And I come to find out that, like, this was something that he's like, oh, no, it happens. Whatever. Just remembering this now. My friend had dated him, like, two years earlier. And one time I was like, what's the deal with Bob? I'll call him Bob. And she was like, oh, my God, he never comes. Sherry, we all worry when our partner has an orgasm, it's our fault. And typically it's not unless you're actively not trying to, you know, to satisfy your.

No, I'm trying.

I hear you. I'm exhausted for you. 45 minute blowjob. You got a nap. You know, you need to take the day off work. It's a lot.

A lot.

So, I mean, Sherry, this is me that he.

That he said it's happened before. But, like, we've been. We've been trying this for, like, a couple of months now, and nothing has happened. Not on the everyday basis, but, you know, once or Twice a week or whatever, you know, on a regular basis. And nothing's happened.

Does he orgasm during penetration? No. Oh, none of it. You haven't seen a drop?

No, not. He's not with me. He told me. He says he has masturbated. His orgasm?

Yeah.

During masturbation.

But it could be that. Well, it could be also.

It's not my fault.

It's not your fault, Sherry, I am telling you, you have the doctors certified. It's not your fault. Seal of approval here. It's not your fault. Has nothing to do with you. He's a delayed ejaculator. Now, you could, if you're into this guy, try a vibrator on his penis. Try. Maybe if he's into prostate play, you know, get a cock ring that vibrates.

Tell me that. I asked him, like, what. What do you fantasize about? Like, we can try. I'm pretty open. Like, I'm willing to try anything, you know? And he won't even tell me. He said, what am I going to do to you?

Yeah, I know. I think that he doesn't have the excuse. I know. Well, you know, Sherry, this is what I'm here. This is why I have a job. Most people have never talked about it, whether you're 58 or 18, nobody ever talks about it. So he's probably. And I'm going to be honest, is he in his 50s as well? He's probably had this for his lifetime. And I'm going to imagine 51. Yeah. I'm going to imagine that he's never talked about it to anybody and that it's always been a source of shame for him. And he doesn't know what he likes because he hasn't maybe had healthy sex relationships because it's always so much stress for him because he can't come.

He has two children, so he's obviously, he's come twice.

He's definitely a choice. I think that this problem maybe since his divorce or since he's been with someone, or maybe his wife was used to it. Maybe it was onset in his 30s or 40s. It could also be like other health problems. He could be taking medication right now. That could impact it. There are some things that could impact it, like if he's on an antidepressant. But typically a delayed ejaculators cannot come with a partner. Usually takes them at least 30 minutes or longer. So how long have we been seeing? Okay. Yeah, 45 minutes. You can't get that time back, in my opinion. I know. Mine did, too. Just Hearing about it. So you said. He said it has happened sometimes.

Yeah, it has. It takes him a while. But like, this is like, we've never, he's never ejaculated. We've been together. We've been together. I know. At least has sex.

At least.

At least 10 or 15 times, maybe.

Oh, that's a lot of times.

That's a lot.

How about for you? Are you having orgasms and pleasure?

Yeah, he'll go down on me and very loving and, you know, attentive. But like, I feel like I'm. I told him I feel like I'm wasting my. I don't want to say wasting my time, but I'm not doing. I'm not using my time productively.

Well, yes, the 45 minute blowjob to somebody who does not ejaculate from oral. I would say also not efficient, however. Is he having a good time? Is he enjoying the sex with you? Does he say he. He doesn't have a problem with it?

Yeah, I think. Well, I. I don't. I'm not really sure because he's not verbal. Let me tell you, when we do have sex, he's so quiet.

Oh, that is so hard. I hate when someone does. Yeah, that's tough. Now we have some things to discuss. The next time you see him, you could say, I want to talk about her.

Discuss it with him.

He says he's having a good time, though.

Yeah.

And he doesn't make noise.

Yeah. Like, yeah, I don't have any. I don't do any clues, you know, non verbal clues that you got to.

Tell him, you got to say. Right?

Yeah. I've asked him, well, tell me what to do. Tell me how you like it, what you want. And he's got me a little bit, but it's not, like, enough. I can't pull it out of him. I'm trying to pull it out and. But I don't want to make him feel bad either.

You know another way to approach it? Would you say, hey, when you guys are hanging out and it's casual and you're having dinner. Not when you're in the bedroom. Remember, timing, turf and tone. Not in the bedroom, outside the bedroom, Very casual. Say, you know, I've been thinking about our sex life and I want you to know it's all good. I know that if you don't ejaculate, it's still a good time for you, but I just have some more questions for you because I can't help get out of my head that there's something else I could be doing. And I would just love to know more about this. Let me know if there's something else I could be doing. And if not, I'm just gonna assume that we're good. Make it casual. Like, just say, let me know. Maybe he's nervous the way you brought it up. Cause it makes him feel more anxious that he's. Because he probably knows that he disappoints women when he has an orgas. So let's just say the next case scenario is that he says to you, yeah, you know what? I actually got to be honest with you. This has been the case for many, many years. And I actually just love watching you come. I. You. It still feels amazing to me. I'm not as attached to ejaculation. I love this relationship. Then could you just say, let it go, maybe, and be like, okay, he's not gonna come, but I am, and it's fine. It's a kind of rude one.

I mean, you're right.

I want.

Yeah, okay, but to maybe gather somebody you want to get.

Yeah, no, right. What I'm saying. But it's gonna. You like somebody, and you want to see them orgasm. I get that.

Yeah, exactly.

But if you can make peace with it and you get more information that this is just where he's at at this point in his life, and you could still be with him knowing that that's just gonna have to be the next decision. But let's get some more information from him, Get a little bit more details, and then decide. But it's gonna be a new thing, you know, you're gonna have to think about. Yeah, let me know. I'll be here. We're gonna take a quick break, but when we return, I'll be sharing more oral sex tips. So don't go anywhere.

Let's continue talking about oral sex. I was giving you some very specific tips about receiving oral and how to get comfortable with it. Because we had so many calls from young women who felt that they just really didn't know how to receive if you don't know how to receive it. And for many young men, they don't know how to give it. Not because you're a bad guy. Not. You just don't know. Like, how would you know? And here's the other kicker. Every single vulva owner is a little bit different. Just when you think you know you're with someone else who wants something completely different. Which is why it's important for oral just to pay attention with each partner and ask questions. And talk about it. I mean, that's the best sex advice overall. Let's talk about it. A big thing is also holding your breath. So you want to make sure that you are relaxed, especially if you're tensing up and you're worried about it. Just breathe. Breathe as deep as you can. You can do a breath work class. I know that that can also help you if you practice like a four count inhale and a four count exhale. That can help you not only reduce stress, but it can also help elevate your orgasm because you're also breathing out tension and then you're moving that orgasm energy through your body or the orgasm. When you have an orgasm, it's good to breathe too. But even just that can help you relax. Listen, give your partner directions, tell them what you want, what you really want. And even if you don't know, you could say, I'm trying to figure it out. Do you mind if I grab your hands or I show you what I like? This is where mutual masturbation is an excellent practice because you and your partner can both masturbate side by side. You can see what they're doing, they watch what you're doing. So it's like a twofer. You get, you get turned on watching and you're learning. Flavored lube. So here's the thing about flavored lube. It's delicious. And if you have any concerns about your taste, even though you're fine unless you have a std, that can happen. But mostly we are like self cleaning ovens. Our vaginas are going to restore their natural ph balance on their own. But you want to make sure that you find a healthy flavored lube set. The environment is another thing I talked earlier about making sure that you're comfortable, your entire environment, like light a candle, have a playlist going. If you have your favorite sexy playlist going, that you have something else to kind of get you relaxed or get in the mood. Make sure your door is locked. If you've roommates or someone's going to walk in or the kids. You know, I think once we make sure that we are in a safe, contained environment where we can just let go and feel relaxed. There's other things that can feel really good during oral, like allowing your partner to go down on you, but then also playing with other erogenous zones. So teasing their nipples or playing with their anus or their perineum and teasing other body parts. I think sometimes we're really focused on the oral and then we don't like, use our hands to do anything else, but you could kind of play around with your hands and tease other parts. Another thing is to be present. Make sure that you are present and focused and paying attention to your partner, what they're doing. And you're not just in your head, worried about the head you're giving. I do like sensation play. Adding, like, some ice cubes, flavored lube, tingling lube. All of that is really fun. You know, a hot, warm massage, candle ice, hot, cold. Think about it. It's like our bodies are just filled with all of these nerve endings, and there's so many ways to play. You can also try different positions for oral. Putting a pillow underneath your bum and kind of raising it up or your lower back. When you're elevated, sometimes you're reaching other areas of your body. You're able to, like, kind of thrust your pelvic floor closer. So that's really helpful. Use toys. You don't have to just use your mouth. During oral sex, you could use some toys for teasing. Some people like fingers, some people don't. Some people like hands. So just ask. Pay attention. When we think of sex as just being penis goes in vagina. We're missing so much other pleasure. And I'm all about the pleasure revolution here. So I'm just trying to enhance your pleasure, decrease your pain. Whether it's emotional pain or physical pain, that's what it's all about. Okay, we have time for a few more questions. This one comes from Jerry. He's 70, in Florida.

How are you today?

Good. How are you? What is happening? How can I help? Tell me everything.

Talking about going it down on my girlfriend. The reason that I have some reluctance to do it at this point in time is some of the articles that I've read about throat cancer, hpv, and so I'm really not sure as to what the risks are for doing that.

Does she have hpv? Do you know? Like, has she been tested?

I would say not. I read there isn't not a test for it, but I don't know.

Yeah, there's so many. There's 200 different strands of HPV. But it is always a risk. I mean, the higher the risk is, the more sexual partners you have, the more likely you could be to transmit it. There's different ways that you could get it. I mean, the truth is we're kind of all at risk because you're right. You can't always test for. For it. We don't know you can get the vaccine. It's a Lot more challenging right now. So really, you can transmit anything through oral sex. But I don't think, you know, I understand that you're concerned about it. You could use a dental dam if you're very concerned. There are risks. That is true. And the chances of it too. I don't know what the stats are of how many people are getting it hpv, but I would recommend again, there's something called a dental dam. It's like a. If you're very nervous and your partner would like oral sex, I'm not going to tell you not to because yes, there's risks. Every giving a blowjob to anybody or going down on a woman, you could get something. You could get herpes. You know, you could have herpes, the virus, one or two. So a dental dam is. It looks like a condom. You could actually. It's like, it's that material, it's latex. And you can put it over your partner's genitals and then you could liquor through there, which actually feels good, to be honest. There's so many nerve endings on the clitoris. I'd hate to see you in a relationship with someone that would never perform oral. So I would definitely figure out a way to. To make sure she's pleased.

Okay, that's good information. Thank you.

Okay, sure. You're welcome. Thanks for calling, Jerry. Yeah. Oral sex, deep kissing, sexual contact. You can get hpv. It can be transmitted. The more partners you have, even if you are using protection, if you're giving oral sex to people, you could get it, you could be at risk. It is true. So it's not that common, but it's becoming more common is what I want to say. Most people exposed to HPV never develop symptoms or health problems. Most HPV infections go away by themselves in two years, but the infection can persist and have long term problems, so could cause cervical cancer in women, penis cancer in men, both sexes, in your anus. You could get throat cancer. I am using protection with partners, but still, I'm not giving a blowjob with a condom on. And I guess it's a choice you have to make. Alexandria, 19, from Florida has a question about oral. What's going on?

First of all, thank you so much for having me and answering my call.

Of course I'm here for you.

I basically have had past experiences. I'm a young girl, so I just feel like my past experiences with oral has been kind of limiting. I feel like restricted when, I don't know, like presenting myself. I feel like there's a Lot of pressure around how women should look down there. And my main, like, partners have been guys. I kind of stress about, like, oh, is it clean enough down there? Is it, Do I need to be hairless?

Right.

And really I just don't want to be hairless, like, and all that. And I also stress about, like, does it taste good to them? Or like, something like that. And I usually end up losing patience because I think about way too much in the moment. And I've never liked, had an orgasm from oral sex. Okay. It's been a, like, heartbreaking moment.

I don't know.

Because I really like to feel pleasure and, and not worry.

Yeah, I totally get it. Alexandria, I'm so glad you called in with this because this is so common. You're so young, you're 19, and so you're still figuring it out. And so the fact that you're able to, in this moment, share this and say, this is what's going on means that you absolutely can get past it. And so the first thing I have to say is that for a woman, the most, like, sexiest thing is someone who's confident. Let's start with the hair. If you don't want to shave it all off, don't shave it all off. Do it in a way that makes you feel good. Trim or don't trim. I mean, I think we're seeing everything these days. And then I would also say if you shower and you take good care of yourself, I think that your taste is fine. Our vaginas are self cleaning ovens. They're like that. Like, our ph balance gets all balanced out on its own, so there's nothing to worry about. But the only thing thing is Alexandra, which you have to contend with, which all a lot of women your age have to deal with, is that most men your age have only watched their most of their experiences around sex. And I don't care if they slept with 50 women. But most of their experience around sex comes from porn. And then the porn, it's not real life, it's fake. It's a fictionalized version of sex. And the women are more shaved and trim. And they look perfect because they're literally tucked in and their bodies move towards camera. They're shot at different angles, so every vulva looks trim and beautiful. And I'm telling you that it's not real Life. But at 19, maybe the partners that you're with, they don't really get it either. But I do think that you can be with somebody who's going to allow you to Be your best self to feel confident. So it's really just a matter of experience. And it's okay at 19 that you haven't been able to, to settle into it because most of us haven't. You haven't had a lot of experience. And then you have a lot of messages probably in your head that are telling you you should be something different than you are.

Yeah.

Is that helpful?

Yeah, it is like stressful, especially if it's with a person I don't know as well. And then I end up just thinking way too much, honestly.

Then maybe right now, find someone that you do know well. See, whenever we're having sex, this is the thing. Whenever we're about to have sex with them. Alexander, like I'm at different stages in my life. I'm like, am I just looking for sex right now or do I actually want to be with somebody that I know and that I feel safe with? And I have to tell you that perhaps what I'm hearing from you, and this is true for a lot of women, that the most pleasurable sex we have is when we're with a partner that we feel safe with and that we trust. And I'm not saying this has to be your future husband and you even have to be completely committed, but maybe if it's a one off and you're just meeting them, I don't know that we, any of us feel that comfortable with someone we barely know to go down on us. It's so intimate. So that might be added as well. You find someone that you know that they are trustworthy and they treat you well, that they're not going to shame you and they're going to be as invested in your pleasure as you are. But that's not always easy to find with random people we meet. And my best sex is not necessarily with like some random person I meet. Not. I'm not saying you're dating randoms. I'm saying I dated randoms. I don't know who you're dating, but I've done the random. I've done it all to so I could be here and talk to you about it. So I'm just saying go easy on yourself and that maybe that's okay that you're not okay with it with someone you just met. Right. And maybe if there's a partner you could have repetitive sex with, you'll start to open up. I know it for me gets better over time when I'm with someone. Yeah. So there we go.

Well, thank you so much.

Of course you are beautiful as you are. Thank you Alexandria. Let me know how it goes. Okay, here for you.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Exwithemily oh, I've been told I give really good email so so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talksex. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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