Orgasms, Affairs & Sexual Stamina

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Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm taking calls and talking about why it's time to stop faking orgasms and get the pleasure you deserve, as well as some tips to help you get there. Topics include less Less faking pleasure and more real satisfaction. What to do when you keep feeling lightheaded after sex. Why some men like to share their partners with other men. And can a relationship survive after a betrayal? All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? My man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my. Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, it feels so good.

Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. See all of our blogs and posts that will help you have better sex and relationships. Please check out our podcast if you're not subscribed. We love that. That helps us, that helps you. You can also find me on SiriusXM Radio, Stars Channel 109. I am there Monday through Friday from 5 to 7 Pacific, 8 to 10 East, and they repeat it again a few hours later. It's amazing, you guys. I'm loving doing the show on Sirius. This is actually a best of from the week. Let me know what you think of it, and you get a free 30-day trial if you're into that. Visit sexwithemily.com/sxm, or you can still call us during the week when we're on the air, 888-947-8277. As always, find us on all social media @sexwithemily across the board. It is a good time. Enjoy the—

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So anyway, while I was lying in bed this morning listening to the rain, which we don't get a lot of thunder and lightning and rain, it's just really comforting. And I was reading this article and it kind of pissed me off, to be honest. And it was talking about how men feel more satisfied when their partner gets off in bed, which is great, right? I was like, oh, this is good. Men show, you know, this percentage of men show that they're really excited when their female partners have orgasms. But then I kept reading and said, it's not necessarily that they're happy their partner got off and got pleasure, but because they felt more masculine, they felt more manly, like I did that. And now just to say that this article did skew younger, it was like 25-year-old men was the average age. And so then I had another uptick in my heart. I felt better and I thought, oh, well, I believe that men do mature and women, God knows, we mature over time. We realize that we really want, we truly want our partners to have happiness and joy and orgasms. But, you know, there's— I've been thinking about this because we do. I read so many studies and I've been studying this for a long time, and after reading that, it made me realize that so many people aren't really caring about female orgasms, including women, in the sense of it's misunderstood because we want them, we desire them, but the way that we go about them can be really confusing to women because we're told that Well, first of all, from like what we learn, very little we learn in sex education. Let's say we learn through porn or movies, we mostly see women having orgasms through penetration. Like we're talking about heterosexual sex. Let me do a side note here that there's been so many great studies lately that show that people in same-sex relationships have way more, women, so women who are lesbians with other women, obviously, they have way more orgasms. Like they have orgasms off the charts.

it's like 85% of the time they're orgasming?

Right. So that goes to show you that women, the good news here is that we can have orgasms. We just want— my job on the planet is to make sure that women figure out their own bodies and what feels good and they go after their orgasms. They realize that it's not necessarily gonna come through penetration. And then the other thing I got re-anchored, re-agitate about this morning was that I kind of had a loss for the younger, my younger self in my 20s, which really did think that I really believed that something was wrong with me because I wasn't having that orgasm that way. And I thought that my, like, I was having orgasms during masturbation, but I thought like something was broken that I didn't have an orgasm in a normal way. And so, or in the normal way, that was the right way. And so, but now I realized in a way it served me because it drove me into this career where I was like, I will have orgasms. I will not fake it. So, um, I know there are plenty There are definitely people out there who do care about their partner's orgasms. But again, I didn't realize it until later in life, and that's why I always say, like, and this goes for men too, your orgasm, your pleasure is your responsibility. And of course, you gotta talk about it and work on it with your partner. But here's something for women we wanted to share today, and I love these tips because the way we can close the orgasm gap, as it were, we talk a lot about the orgasm gap on this show, which is like a real gap, and that is that, you know, men are more likely to orgasm during sex. Men orgasm, it's like 6 minutes, 7 minutes, and women take like 18 to 22, right? So there's that gap, and how do we close that gap? So let me, let me go through some specific tips here that might help you out, because some of these I'm like, I'm so glad I'm seeing my guy tonight because I'm going to do some of these grinding. Like, you forget, even though I know all the tips. So listen to these, you guys. Well, first of all, let me say this. We have to stop faking orgasms. It is sabotaging our sex lives as women. And the reason— I get why we do it. Like, women fake orgasms because we realize, A, we're just not going to get there. It's not going to happen. Pounding away, whatever is going on, we just know, and we just end it there. But more often we do it because we don't want our partners to feel bad that they don't get us there. We know it's not going to happen, and we know that guys can be oriented towards feeling great when our partners do, so they're going to feel bad, and then we're going to have to explain it, and then we feel something's wrong with us that we can't. Like, we don't think it's their fault.

Yeah, it's kind of, it's kind of a crazy thing to be like, I'm gonna fake this orgasm to make you feel like you pleased me so that you feel good, because then I'll feel good about the fact that you feel good. But at the same time, I'm like, but we're not getting an orgasm, right? So it's, it just, it doesn't make sense. But in the female brain, because most of us do it, like, it makes sense for some reason.

It makes sense in that moment, right? In that moment, we just, we— it's like a quick fix, but it's It's really not because I think it's also— it's bad for us, but it's also bad for your partners because then your partners are thinking, "Oh, I am the king of the universe." Yeah, exactly. I just got this. I can't believe how many orgasms she's had. I had a woman on my show years ago. It was one of my first shows, so like 14 years ago, and she was like, "I have to confess something to Emily Morse." I'm like, "What? What?" She's like, "Not only do I fake orgasms, I fake multiple orgasms." So, she got into this thing with a guy she was dating and she had to fake it 3 times. Each time she had sex. So like, oh my God, I'm coming, wait, here it goes again. And she did it on the air, and I was like, oh my God.

And then that guy was just like, I am so good, my penis is magic, right?

Exactly.

That's terrible.

It is terrible. Can you imagine what a pickle she got herself into?

So the wrong pickle, the wrong pickles.

She had the wrong pickles, too many pickles, I don't know. But, but like, I think that my point here is let's What do you think? So many pickles, so little time. We are having way too much fun here today. Maybe it's the rain, I don't know. So, I think changing the way that you think that you're supposed to orgasm with your partner is gonna help you make it happen more often. And we did talk, I loved yesterday's show. If you guys missed it, it'll be on the app, about the myths that we talked a lot about myths, and this was one of the top myths, that this is how sex is gonna happen. It should just happen this way, but I realized, We told you a bunch of myths, but now I'm going to give you some tips to get those orgasms. And don't worry, guys, this is going to benefit you too. I promise. So, this is more about using a penis and your pelvis as a woman as a pleasure tool, and his pelvis. So, it's rubbing and stimulating your clitoris with and against his appendage. Appendage. I'd rather just say penis, but it's appendage. Okay, so, and this is not selfish at all. I mean, actually, I would love guys— call in with any of your comments on this and any of your questions, 888-947-8277. But I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that your partner, let's say if you're with a guy, he's gonna be psyched that you get off. And so, we're gonna teach you how to take it. So, how to get that orgasm. First of all, think about what you actually need, and you might not even know yet what kind of position you need, like, but there's certain— like, so try it out. There's certain positions, techniques, or certain pressures and paces and headspace that you need to be in to get that orgasm. So, you got to be proactive. You got to, like, go after it. So, like, how do I put pressure on my clitoris? Like, how do I do what— how do I move in a way that I need to to have an orgasm? And hopefully, you have a partner. I'm not saying this is, like, on the down low, like, you're I'm not telling them, like, I thought you're doing it. Yeah, like, you're not like, I'm gonna use your penis secretly as my own private dildo appendage, like, super appendage. No, we're not saying that. We're saying, like, actually, it's great if you have a partner, you can talk, you know, to this, you can talk to them about this. But think about this: instead of him penetrating, use his penis as a masturbatory, masturbatory tool. So if you're on top, use lots of lube. You should always use Use so much lube. I haven't mentioned lube yet today, so use lots of lube.

I know, it's been 10 minutes and nobody's talked.

Oh, has it been 10 minutes already? Look at the time flies when you haven't talked about lube. So use lots of lube and sliding up and down, letting it rub against your clitoris when you're on top. So you don't have to even do penetration. So you could just rub your clitoris back and forth.

Oh, okay, so you're saying that like the woman, she's sitting on top of the penis, but the penis is not inside of her.

Exactly.

Okay.

So, you're still getting that clitoral stimulation with lube because that's gonna help you even get more lubricated, and even if you're lubricated, it's gonna keep you there, and you're rubbing, yeah, you're letting it rub against your clitoris. So, if he's on top, see, I like this one because for me, this is a lot of ways I learned to orgasm. If he's on top, for many women, keeping their legs squeezed tightly shut Well, you're like, your legs are closed, you're on the bottom, and he's rubbing his pre-lubed penis on top of you. So, he's still entering, I love this pre-lubed penis, between your legs and your vulva, grazing the clitoris. So, there's no penetration with those techniques, if that makes sense. So, you're just using it. It's your toy. It's your thing. And then, we also talk about, you could penetrate in stages. So, a big theme here that we talk about often is that sex isn't linear. It shouldn't just be one thing, and it's probably not the way you've always been having sex. So this is about using controlled thrusts that allow for a deeper penetration of the G-spot. So the G-spot is that internal orgasm that you can have. So I think, again, this is how I used to think you have sex. I don't, you know, probably in porn or however I saw it, is that when I was on top, I was supposed to keep going up and down. You know how you see them bouncing up and down and rubbing back and forth and back and forth? This is more about, which makes total sense, You jump on top, put the head of his penis inside of you, you stop, and then in a smooth motion, you slide to the bottom of the shaft. So you're sliding back. So you put it in and then you're on top and you slide, and then you slowly pull up again. Does this make sense?

Yeah.

I often don't talk about positions a lot because I feel like it can be— I mean, I do, but I feel like it can be confusing for people. But what I'm saying is, so you're on top, you're sliding forward, and then you stay there for 10 seconds while you're grinding, but you are pumping your Kegel muscles. So, that is a key factor. For women, we talk a lot about doing your Kegels to have, you know, I have an iPhone app called Kegel Camp. That's how fiercely important I think they are to remind you to do them. So, you squeeze those muscles. It's those pee-stopping muscles when you stop and start the flow of urine. So, that's what they are. And you squeeze it around his shaft when you're on top, just the head of the penis, slide back down, squeeze, slide back up. So, it's a— and the reason why this works is because the G-spot doesn't necessarily get stimulated by a thrusting fast in and out. It's more of a deeper— so by like slowing down your sex and using your Kegel muscles like while you're on top and squeezing, squeezing at the top, squeezing at the bottom, it feels great for the guy, feels great for you.

I'm taking mental notes.

Are you? This is right, right?

No, I mean, I wish you could see her like hand movements are like doing it.

This is when we should have the Instagram Live. We had one last night, you guys. It's @sexwithemily. I think it's still up if you want to check it out, but we will be doing that more often. So, um, and then there's the, um, holding. Okay, so another thing is if you want to hold your partner's bottom. So let's say he's on top of you, because I love missionary. I gotta be honest, missionary gets a bad rap for being boring and stuff, but if he's— and I don't think it is because there's so many variations. Like we were talking, put a pillow under your butt to lift you up. There's different angles, there's different motions, there's different pressures. But when he's on top of you, you can grab his butt and pull him close to you. Like, pull him closer into you, because what we're talking about is getting more of that clitoral pressure that we all need for orgasm. We require it, and that's why we're not having the orgasms oftentimes during intercourse, why only 20 to 30% of women do. So these are all positions to get that clitoral stimulation.

I don't think I touched my clitoris for the first 4 years of having sex, to be completely honest.

Never touched it. And did you have orgasms?

No. So there you go.

And then you figure it out, right? Because we didn't— who tells us? We just thought it was a magical penis and vagina and then fireworks.

No, exactly. And I was having good sex. Like, I always enjoyed penetration. I just didn't— I just— I think I fooled myself. I'm like, yeah, I'm orgasming, I'm doing it, right?

But I wasn't really until I felt one, and I was like, oh, oh, I get it. Hello, orgasm. Yeah. And then there's the, um, climaxing, you know, when you want to climax when he's inside of you, it's really about, um, if you want that, have your partner get you off first. So, it's lots of oral, it's using your toys, using your fingers, and maybe you already, women already have an orgasm, or they're about to have an orgasm, and then penetrate. So, again, comes back to foreplay, and it all comes back to the clitoris, because I'm going to be honest here, sometimes I want to rename the G-spot. Like the small c-spot or something, because it's connect— a lot of it is connected in nerve endings. So, a lot of women who might think they're having an internal, it could just be because there's the nerve endings inside. Clitoris 2.0. Clitoris 2.0. Thank you. That's a good one. So, lots of lube, lots of clitoris, lots of fun things, and a vibrator. Alright, we are going to take a quick break, and when we come back, we're on to your calls.

Okay, we have Lexi who's 23 in Oklahoma, and she has a question about her female friend being in a relationship with a gay guy.

All right. Hey, Lexi. Hey, Emily. Hey.

Um, so my best friend, she has been with this guy for 2 years now, and about a year into the relationship, um, she finds out that he's been cheating on her with multiple men. Okay, so in your opinion, do these relationships— do they usually work out? Or like—

no, I mean, is it possible? God, I mean, he sounds like he's probably bisexual, which means that he wants to be with men and women. Of course that can— anything can work out if both parties are on board. What is— what does your friend think, Lexi? Does she think he's gonna get over it, or does she—

yeah, I don't know. They're trying to work it out and everything, but every time she tries to talk to her about it, he just, he completely shuts the conversation down. And there's been several times when they're trying to have sex and she's just not feeling into it. She's not feeling a connection. And he, he says that he's not cheating anymore, but there's been several times when she comes Home, and well, she was gone for 2 weeks, came back, she's in the bed, and when she confronted him about it, he said that he had just masturbated with it because it was easier cleanup.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't feel good about this guy. I feel like he's dishonest, he's lying. It's not even about the fact that he's, you know, with other men, it's that he's, he's lying to her. And honestly, when people cheat, there's a lot of work to be done around it. There's a lot of talking and rebuilding trust. And so, I mean, your friend, is she also 23, your age? I mean, she's young, she's probably her first boyfriend, maybe her first serious thing, and it's really hard to get out of those early relationships. But this sounds really unhealthy to me. He's probably bisexual, and that's— you don't stop that. It's not like you can quit, right? Like, if he's into men, he's into men. There's nothing wrong with that. If he turned to your friend and said, you know what, sweetie, I love you, but I'm bisexual, I need to also be with men, then she can make a decision. But right now, it just sounds like he's dishonest. And, you know, that's really hard to deal with, and I would suggest that your friend tries to get him to, you know, it doesn't sound like it's a healthy relationship to me. I'm not sure what she's getting out of it anymore. Yeah. You can have her call too, right? Don't you think so, Lexi?

Okay.

Thanks for calling Sex with Emily. I appreciate it. Sure, have a great night. Have your friend call back in, but, you know, I'm pretty open. I like hearing both sides, and very rarely, like, just dump that person. But to me, if you're dishonest and you're not even admitting the dishonesty, that is just— that's not cool. You got to keep, keep talking, you guys. Remember, rebuilding trust, all these things, is not just a quick, "I'm sorry, babe." No, you got to work on it. Relationships, um, take work and talking and honesty, especially.

Jennifer, who's 30 in New Jersey, needs some advice for after she has her baby.

All right. Hey, Jennifer. Hi.

Hi.

Congratulations when you do.

Oh, thank you. Um, he's 11 months old now.

Oh, oh, I thought you were about to— okay, got it. All right.

Yeah, no, no.

Okay, so now I got it. Tell me. So now, still congratulations, but yeah, thank you very much.

Um, beforehand, our chemistry was amazing. It was like 3 times a day, and we had a long-distance relationship, so we had a lot of catching up to do. So It was very good. So, um, but now that we're together and stuff, so after the baby, it's— well, first of all, you're exhausted and everything.

Yeah.

But, um, for some reason, and I don't know what it is, I mean, I'm probably gonna go to the doctor and ask them, but, um, when we're done, I don't know if I'm getting up too quickly, but I get lightheaded, nauseous, my— I feel like I'm gonna pass out. I'm like, so every time I do it, I'm like so nervous afterwards, and I'm like, oh gosh. Yeah, that's so interesting. So then we only do it like every couple months, and it's not good.

Oh, you mean every time you have sex? So are you in a certain position?

Yeah.

Are you having orgasms?

Um, I—

yeah, yeah, I am, but I never was like that before the baby.

Okay, so you're— and where is it? Yeah, I don't know either. When— God, you know, after you have a baby, everything changes, right? Like your whole body.

I know, your whole body is just not the same.

Yeah, no, and I'm glad you're having sex though, and you're actually like 11 months you know, after— like, I thought you were going to say, oh, we haven't been able to have sex. But to me, I would just talk to your doctor. There's so many things going on, right, with hormones. Are you still breastfeeding?

No, I stopped that.

Okay. Are you drinking a lot of water? It could be dehydration. You might be exhausted. I mean, water is a miracle, I'm telling you. Like, I can feel it when I'm—

I haven't been drinking enough.

Yeah, I mean, it could just be— are you, are you extra— also, here's the other thing, are you exercising? In any other way?

No.

All right.

I need to get back into it.

Right, right. So your heart rate's up and it's just literally, it's, you're panting, you're doing something that you haven't probably done in a while. So that might happen if you went to the gym as well. So definitely get checked out by your doctor for sure. But it sounds like I, this isn't common. Like I thought if, you know, sometimes it's hormones, but this just sounds like you might be, you know, a little out of shape right now. So drink water, get out walking. You know? But I would keep having the sex. Yeah. That's what I think. Do some exercise at home, too, you know? There's some great exercise videos. 20 minutes, you know? Yeah?

And I was just wondering, any advice to, like, spark it up again?

Yeah, you know, what I love that you said was things were so hot in the beginning, 'cause that's great. Because me a lot— and that it was up hot right before the baby. You can tap back into that stuff. So, do you remember What were some of those things? Like, to spice it up would be, you know, it's such a case-by-case basis, but I think it's either talking about your fantasies, stuff that you've been wanting to try that you haven't yet, getting some sex toys in the mix are so fun if you've never tried toys, giving each other massage.

Yeah, I never did that.

Yeah, toys are great. You know, a lot of people are like, "Oh, we don't need it." Like, it's a problem. No, it's just something extra. It's a little bit, it's fun. We've got great stuff on our site. Yeah, just, I mean, honestly, like, Talking dirty, watching porn together. Like, one of these things would probably, I'm sure, would spice it up. Remembering, you know, recalling some things you guys did in the past and talking about it. Like, remember that time we blanked? That can be really hot too.

Okay, thank you very much.

You're so welcome. I'll be here for you. Talk to you later. Thanks, Jennifer. Just take it easy, drink some water, some working out. Thanks for listening.

Okay, we have Dan, who is 59 in Florida, and he has always wondered why he enjoys sharing his wife with other men.

All right. Hey, Dan, thanks for calling.

Hello?

Hello? Hello? Hello, Dan, I'm here for you. I'm here. It's Emily.

Can you—

yeah, I was just curious as to why, um, I enjoy sharing my wife and look forward to it, and she does as well, but, uh, I just thought, you know, um, to be normal, maybe I shouldn't, uh Did your wife share?

No, well hey, let's remember, the only normal thing about sex is that like literally nothing, that we're all gonna have questions and think we're not normal. I've come to that fact that there's always gonna be something. Dan, that's common, or there's many men who enjoy that, that have their wife, it's called cuckolding, you wanna watch your wife with somebody else, and she's down with it, so I don't see the problem here, but you're wondering the why. So there's different theories around it. It could be why— because you— it's really hot for you to see your wife get pleasure from someone else. It's also like a weird— there also could be some kind of self-deprecating thing. Like maybe he's— you, in your mind, you perceive him as more virile than you or hotter than you, and it's sort of like this, it feels so bad, feels so good thing that a lot of men explain about cuckolding. Um, maybe you guys talk about it after and you find that really hot. You tell me, Dan, but there's not a problem here. If she's on board, you're on board, the partners are on board. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's, there's no, uh, what you say, problem.

Uh, no, not at all.

No regrets, cool type of thing. Uh, but I just thought, you know, it just didn't seem to be normal that they should enjoy it so much.

Yeah.

Um, we, we share together, and, um, this, you know, if they're— she's comfortable with a person, um, they can meet alone, uh, you know. And I've had her, uh, when she's met with people, to, uh, call on the phone and kind of give me a play-by-play type of situation. It's really Really enjoyable.

Yeah, I mean, this fantasy people have has been along a long time, as long as marriage and sexuality. Like, this is an age-old fantasy that people have, and it's way more common than you think. This is why I love that I have this show, because, Dan, you get to call in and find out that it's totally, totally common. Like, it— people have these fantasies, and there's not a problem with it, especially the way you're doing it. Your wife's cool, the other partner's cool. So it's been around a long time, and I can't tell you why you specifically do, But it's a very common fantasy. And so, like I said, it could be for a lot of reasons. Only you can tell me why it feels hot to you. But I absolutely don't think there's a problem with it. So I think that we all idealize monogamy and think monogamy is the only answer, but for many people, that is not the case. And so for you, even though you're monogamous, this is the one way you guys step out. So, or whatever you guys do, I think it's fine. If you're not worried about it, I'm not worried about it. Or I'm not worried about it if that makes you not worried about it. All right, thanks, Dan.

Thank you.

Okay, thanks for calling Sex with Emily. Sometimes I'm just gonna be here to tell y'all it's all okay, things are normal. Yeah, there's a lot of reasons why people are into cuckolding, and people think, oh, I'm so shocked, that's so crazy, I could never imagine it, I would never want my wife to be with another man. Well, guess what? It's not for you. But for some guys, you know, you have to come from a solid ground in your relationship. You want to make sure that there's like deep integrity and there's communication and honesty and trust and you discuss boundaries. And like we said, there's a lot of different reasons why it could be hot. You know, it could be just that you see them get— like I said, you can see them getting off it. You know, there's a lot of different reasons. So I think you're all doing fine so far today.

I think people too, they just have a, um, they just, they feel like it's wrong that they're so okay with it.

Well, right.

Well, it's like, but it's like, you should feel great because you're so secure in your relationship that you're down for this. Because like a lot of people can never reach that level of security.

Well, this is what I'm— exactly. And this is what I'm hoping, that people listening are like, oh, okay, well, Dan can do it. Like, he's literally, like, doing something that would be so ripe with problems and fears and could break relationships apart. And so I think that, um, I think this show is hopefully inspiring people to kind of take that next step into trying something different in bed, or to calling, calling me and figuring out, oh, is this Is this okay? Because how would Emily say we should go about this? And how can we change our life? I just want people to have better sex. Is that too much? All right, guys, hope you enjoyed this show. Let us know what you think. Thanks to my team, Ken, Samantha, intern Michelle, producer Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback@sexwithemily.com.