Orgasms & Coital Confidence

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by Jeju. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jaejoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super soft, ultra quiet, and it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the hera and right now you can get 20% off the hera using code emily20@sexwithemily.com hera that's emily20 for 20 off at sexwithemily.com h e r a so if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on today's show. I'm talking about whether the decision to have the traditional family is right for you, as well as taking your calls and emails to help you get on the right track in your relationships and the bedroom. Topics include to have kids or not to have kids. That is the question and only you can provide the answer and either is totally okay. So everyone else thinks you're attractive and amazing, but how do you convince yourself what to do if you need very specific conditions to concentrate on your orgasms and whether or not it's a good idea to ask for a hall pass in your relationship? All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean, like laundry?

It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind.

Of girl you just play with.

You're listening to sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sex with emily.com we love when you comment and subscribe on itunes. The comments and reviews really help us and we appreciate it so much. And you can also find us wherever you listen to podcasts. Plus you can find me on Sirius XM Radio Stars channel 109. I'm there weekdays, Monday through Friday from 5 to 7 Pacific, 8 to 10 East. If you want a free 30 day trial, visit sexwithemily.comsxm or you can still call into the show for advice whether you have it or not. 888-947-8277. As always, follow us on social media, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook. We're gonna be doing some giveaways so I know you don't want to miss those, so check us out at Sex with Emily and I hope you enjoy the show. Hello everyone. Happy Tuesday. Even though it feels like Thursday or Friday, that's what happens when you work all weekend. Intensive work. We talked a lot about on yesterday's show. I was at a very important sex toy trade show for two days, which actually is as fun as it sounds, but it is still work. Yesterday's show, which, you know, you can find all of them on demand on the Sirius XM app, which is cool. We had some guests on the show. We had a lot of guests on the show, James. The most guests we've ever had in the room.

I know, it was, it was fun though. Like everyone was like so excited and they were coming around and there was like, I've never seen the room at maximum occupancy before.

Yeah, it was maximum occupancy. And we had, we had our friends from we Vibe on, which are toys that we love. And then Shay and Dan and they're a couple who essentially run and own Magic Wand, which is been a toy vibrating massager that's been around for 50 years. And we had them on and they were talking about, you know, the Magic wand and the legend of the Wand and, and I've known them forever. I mean, I've known them since I started. I probably met him pretty early, 14 years ago. And they were my first sponsors. And so afterwards we went to dinner, went to dinner with myself and Ken, my CEO, who's also here, who might want to talk.

Hello.

I know he wants to talk.

Shut up.

But the fact that he wants to talk, I almost don't want him to talk.

No, it's why I don't say anything.

I know I'm like you all speak when I tell you. So. We had dinner with Shane Dan after we went to Republique, which is one of my favorite restaurants in Los Angeles. And the second we sat down, I was a few minutes late because I had to finish up the show stuff. But we got there, and I was like, so, what's your deal? Like, how'd you. Because I never sat down with them one on one and had dinner. Two on one, had dinner and really got to learn about them. And they've been married. They're so happy. And I thought they were at least 15 years younger than they are. They're both in their mid-50s, mid to late-50s. They've been together 31 years, owning a business together, all these things. And they were so happy. And he was saying to me, they live in two places. They're in Napa. They're also in Southern California. And he was describing to me, like, this. This. This perfect day they had. And he was saying, yeah, we took a bike ride, and then we had a great meal, had some wine, and then we went back and had incredible sex. And I was like, back up. First of all, I wish we talked about your sex life on the show, because any couple has been together 31 years and he leads with the amazing sex. I was like, what? But then I was like, well, wait, do you guys have kids? And he's like, oh, no, no. We chose not to have kids. And it got me thinking about relationships. People who decide to have kids and don't have kids. And I've decided not to have kids. I've always. I never had that. That urge to have children, like, from a young age. And I. And I was open. I thought, well, you know, if that urge hits me, that biological clock, which I don't really think is a real thing, but if it starts. If it starts ticking, if it does, I'll have kids. But that just was never. Never my thing. And I. I was never felt the pressure from family. A lot of people do feel societal pressure or. Or they just feel it that they want to. And I thought, you know what's interesting, the re. I. And I know a lot of couples who don't have kids, and they. They're not walking around regretting it. I also don't know who. People who have kids who are walking around regretting that either. So I think there's a really interesting discussion, you know, around, like, having kids, the decision to have kids, because now people are deciding not to have kids more and more, but also having kids and how that impacts your relationship. But I also thought being a woman and deciding not to have kids has been kind of a. An interesting thing, because I feel like people make these assumptions that if I don't have kids, I'm gonna have them soon. Like, like, or they feel bad, like, so, do you have kids? I'm like, no. They're like, oh. So then I feel like I have to explain it. I used to say, oh, but don't worry, I love kids. Like. Like, I'm a bad. Like, who doesn't. Like, who doesn't love kids? Like, I have to sort of explain myself. And now it's just like, you don't know. I've chosen. That was not anything that ever spoke to me, you know, having kids, so. But I do feel like there is a stigma that still exists around people deciding not to have children, because some people feel like it's like, your duty on the planet, like, that. That is why, like, we. We should procreate. That's why we're here. Yeah.

My. My mama even had told me once, because she's cool with it now. I've had to tell her many times, I'm like, I'm not giving you 100%, but I'm giving you 99. I'm not gonna have children. And she's like, I don't know. Don't you think that's kind of selfish? I'm like, selfish to who?

Yeah. I don't understand. I mean, this is what I don't understand about that argument.

I mean, like, I think it's more selfish to have kids because then it's just, like, more resources that we're taking up and all these things. And then there's so many people that. Kids that need to get adopted and things like that. And I'm not saying, like, I think it's great if you decide to have them. Like, go for it.

Of course.

Of course. Like, because we still need to. We still do need people, I guess.

Of course we still need to. You know, I get it. But I think that a lot of things, too, is, you know, is the feeling that I have to defend myself. But I don't really feel that way anymore. But I also. I mean, it's been years now, but I feel like we don't see a ton of healthy role models of women and men without kids, especially women, I guess. I always think of Oprah. She's like, I'm not having kids. I'm going to run the largest empire in the world. Which I guess I've always felt bad about. My job. Like I don't know if you can have it all. I think it really is tricky to be like an incredible mom and have a business. And since I do everything all in, I never understood how I would be able to have a startup company for the last 14 years and have a child without outsourcing one of them. And you can't.

Yeah.

Great company and amazing kids. I think if you outsource. How do you do that?

I mean it's, it's because I know there's people out there that can say like, yes, you can have it all and do it all. But then at the end of the day, if you're putting everything into your job and everything into your kids, what's left for yourself?

Well, exactly. Well, that's exactly it. There is. And even then, even having, just having a business, it's hard to have time for self care and self love and all those things.

It's also a little bit about, about timing too because there are people and women that they have kids younger in life and then when the kids go to college or they have the second half or the third part of their life, a new career and they thrive in that way. There's many people that do that.

Yeah, I think that's the way to do it. And part of me wishes that I wasn't of the generation that I had choices. I think now your millennial generation, you guys are not going to have as many kids. I think we're already seeing that you're not even committing, you're having sex. Not as in love. There's not many people in relationships. So the world is changing. But I feel like I was the first of all my mom's friends kids, you know, I grew up in Michigan, so everybody there. I was the only one of our friends kids who didn't chose not to have children. But I think it's definitely changing. But I think if I had. Sometimes I wish we had. We think we have too many choices in the sense of. Because now people are delaying children and having them later like in their 30s and 40s. So then, then that's even harder too because then you're older parents. So having kids younger does make sense to me because then you can get divorced and still have a whole life.

That's not.

Let me just point.

No, no.

Actually I think if you have a baby, when you're a baby like 22, like my parents did or a lot of people do, not that you can't make marriage, you can make anything work, but I feel like you have the most energy then. But then you're not really an adult in your 20s yet. I mean you're not an adult. I think it's responsible.

I'm older with, I'm older with younger children, you know, and, and we have, you know, we have a very fortunate situation. I may, you know, I work from home. Unless I'm here talking out of turn.

They can talk.

Yeah. Shut my mic off the, you know and my wife works part time and is a great mom and she's, she's busier than I am with the involvement in the kids activities and PTA and scouting and girl Scouts and it's, it's non stop and you know, but it does come in cycles and it does seem to go so fast that you know, you can, you can easily look forward to that time where they're fully independent and you know, there's.

Yeah, that's. Yeah.

Do you ever think about that? Like what you guys are going to do when you're in an empty nest?

Shut up, Jamie. No, don't. I. You know, the kids are growing up so fast that to have that. My goodness, you just gave me cold sweat.

See, people freak out. I don't remember empty nest being a thing. Like my mom was like see ya, have a good time. Well, no, don't let the door hit you in the ass. And now all my friends, kids who are going to college, they're like, oh my God, like, like they're in therapy for a year to prep for their kids leaving home.

You know what I think it like to me, the chills I just got were, was the, just my, my kids being at the age because it, because you know, Alex is 10 and that, that number was like, oh my God, it's eight more years. It's. He's before he's independent before he's in college. And so it's, it's less about being about the emptiness because I do, I have. We haven't thought about what, what we'll do. We'll probably, you know, travel a lot more and do, and do the things that are harder to do with, with kids. But it's, it's. I think it's more about.

About not wanting them to get there that fast.

No, I get it. Yeah. I mean and I don't think there's a right or wrong here. That's the other thing. I was like, well I kind of want to talk about this day. And then I was like reading up studies and stuff and it's really inconc believe that your hap. Your happiness level is on an indicator of this. If you decide to have kids or not, you can still live a happy life. But I do think it's interesting that people's decisions not to have children can spark moral outrage in others. Like, like they. The studies say, like, they're just people. They're just thinking, like, I cannot believe you're having kids. It's your moral imperative here on the planet. And, and I just think that that's another reason, like, to get pressured in having kids or having kids. Like, the reason why people decide to have them. Like, I think you should only have them if you're absolutely sure. But a lot of people do it out of fear, because they're afraid they're gonna regret it, which is not a reason for anything. I mean, fear, fear of regret is not a healthy motivator. There's been so much talk about that. Like, just fomo.

Yeah.

That should not be motivating you to have kids or being. Fear of loneliness. Like, we're gonna end up alone. We're all gonna end up alone. Even if you have kids, they leave the house. Like, you're alone not to be. So you're gonna have friends and family and community. But I think that, like, good decisions are made when you're very. When you're certain about them.

What, how, how long into, like, a relationship do you think you should start talking about whether or not you have plans? You've ever thought about having a family?

I think, I mean, I think it's important to talk about right away. I mean, not. It depends what age you are too. Okay, so things are changing now. But I believe in my 20s, I didn't really talk about it with partners. I was like, there's no way I'm having a kid if. Well, I knew I didn't want him. But even then, people weren't like, are we having kids yet? But I think, like, now that's something I certainly talk about. I still mess up on that. I'll date people. I'm like, you sure you want kids? They want kids. And then I've broken up with men because they want that. And I don't. I think that there are certain things that are deal breakers in relationships in the sense of if you know that you. One wants kids and one doesn't want kids and the relate. That's not gonna change. Religion, religious reasons, another thing, another reason. And I'd love if you all figured out if you're sexually compatible before you get married too. That'd be a great thing to Figure.

Out that is a huge thing.

This was the other thing with Shay and Dan last night I want to cut back to is that they said to me they never had k. And then I was like, that's interesting, because the three biggest challenges in relationships are money, kids, and. What was the other thing I said?

Sex.

Sex. Okay. Obviously. Oh, my God, you guys, I'm super tired. Money, kids, and sex. So no kids financially. They have a. They run a business together, which is amazing to me that they're still so happy running a business of making sex toys together. And sex was not a problem. Shay came in, like, she grew up. Her parents were, like, giving her, you know, toys and talking about sex at a very young age. So she taught D about sex, and they just had a very healthy sex life. So you kind of take these risk factors out.

So they're the perfect couple, essentially.

I think they are. And they were just. I was just super inspired because I thought. I thought about just talking about how they were. They like to do a lot of the same things because I think when you. You know, when you have compatible. And I feel like there's a lot of. And the other thing about kids, too, in life is that I'm very independent. And I always thought, like, that's when you decide to have children, you know, that your life is no longer your own. Like, so for me, it's like my work and my personal life, and that'd be very hard for me, I think, because I'm a very independent person and all those things. But I liked how they play together, they bike together, they. They do all. They have the same interests, so. And I think a lot of people just, you know, think of children like they need it to have fulfilling lives. And I guess I'm just here to say I. I never worried about having that regret about not having kids, but my life is very fulfilling here in my 40s. All right, we're going to take a quick break, and we come back onto your questions.

Okay. Let's talk to John, who's 50 in Utah, and he wants to know how he can be more accepting of his body.

All right. Hey, John. How can I help you? That's a good question.

Hi, Ellie.

Hey, John.

I am just a huge fan and think. Think that what you do is just an enormous community service. And I think you're a sexual Jedi.

Oh, wow. Thanks, John. That feels great.

You're welcome.

Doing my part here. I appreciate it. That feels good. How can I help you?

So I need to. Once and for all, I'm 50 years old, I'm gay. I date regularly, I hook up occasionally. And I need to once and for all take some concrete steps to get better with the body that I have.

That is so good, John, I'm so glad you're asking this because really, at what point, right, we gotta learn to love ourselves. It's our body that we have. Right. You're 50. So tell me, what are some of the, some of your concerns? Is it more like when you're having sex, you feel. How does this manifest in your life right now that it's a problem and then we can solve it?

Okay, so I would, yeah, I would say two. Two ways. One is if I'm looking through people's Instagram, I think it seems like everybody's beautiful and everybody's comfortable, you know, being naked and, or just even walking with their, their shirt off or wearing short shorts or, you know, and I feel like it kind of messes with my head. So that's one way. And then the other way is when I'm in a sexual situation just not having, not only not having confidence, but really sort of actively disliking my body even when other people, you know, and I really don't get, I don't get much negative feedback from anyone. I actually get a lot of positive feedback. But so it, so it's, you know.

I don't know, it's unreal. Yeah. So you have unrealistic, you know, expectations for how your body should be. So the first thing I'm going to tell you, John, is you have to unfollow every single account on Instagram that makes you feel that way. I mean, that is just the law right now. I'm telling you, there's been all these stories about like millennials and there's more depression and it's like, delete, don't follow, limit your screen time. Anyone that makes you feel bad right now, delete it. Like, you don't need to see that. Right? That's unhelpful because I know it's addiction. Yeah. So do that. The other thing about self love and loving your body, I mean, I feel like a lot of that is just. It's sort of. You've been wired this way, so you're probably doing this your whole life and not loving your body. So just go patient on this because it's not like I'm gonna tell you anything right now. That's a quick fix. But the fact that you're just conscious about it and calling me is amazing. And so really, in those moments you have to remember some things, that when you're with somebody, they've chosen you because they're attracted to you, they want to be having sex with you, they are naked and they are with you because there is chemistry, there's attraction. And so I think getting yourself to remember that no one's at all as harsh as we are about our own bodies, like just nobody, like nobody's looking and saying, oh, you know, why do they have this or that? Like we're all focused in the moment and we're having sex. And most people, if they are thinking anything, typically what I've heard, and I've been doing this for 14 years, I've answered thousands of questions is they're worried about what? Something about themselves that they're not gonna perform. So all the things that you're worrying us isn't true. And so I think the other thing that's important is to keep this is to look in the mirror and do some mirror exercises and look in your body and look at all the things that you actually love about yourself. Like finally take that look in your room, look at the mirror and talk about it and then write those stuff on post. Its around your house, put that in your room, how you love yourself, how you love your body. And the more you actually look at it, you're like, my body is frigging amazing and you love it. Even it feels awkward at first. I'm telling you this works, it'll turn it around. It's self love. Replacing the negative with the positive.

Because one of the things that I have, what I experienced, this really hit me. Last week I went on a date with someone and we ended up going back to my place and we ended up having sex and he kept telling me how great he thought I looked. And every time he said it, it took me right out of being in the moment because I kept sort of arguing back in my head about why he wasn't right.

Ah, why he wasn't right for. Oh, why he's not right. He's like, but didn't he see my dimple on my thigh? Right.

So this is so interesting, taken right out of the moment with a really great guy who's saying, you know, you're.

Really hot, who's saying all the things.

Yeah, my head like, no, I'm not, you know.

Right, right.

So what's exactly that you think then?

Yeah, it's like they say we don't want to be a part of any club that will have us as a member, that whole thing. Right. So I Understand that. So, John, I'm also curious if this happens in other places in your life.

Like, where you feel like, if, I don't know, like, at work or if you doubt people aren't really, you know, I don't know, just negative.

It actually does. I'm very confident. I have my own business.

Okay.

So in other arenas, I know what I like about myself. It's just not my body.

Okay. So. And I'm also. So then if you know, like, in your confidence comes from. Because you've done work and then you've gotten accolades and you've gotten raises, or you have your own business and it's been successful. So sexually. Then we got to go back to this. Was there ever anything sexually? Maybe it could have been 20 years ago. It could have been in the high school gym. Did something happen where someone shamed you for your body?

So I was in a committed, monogamous relationship with a wonderful man who turned out, I would say, to be primarily asexual.

Okay.

And we were committed, monogamous relationship for 10 years. All right, so eight of those. Eight years of no sex. None.

Yeah. Okay. No. So. And how long ago did you end that relationship?

Four years.

Okay, so that's so 10 years living with someone. So I think this is what so good we just got to this. It has nothing to do with. With actually reality, so. Because I thought you were going to say, yeah, there was this guy who told me that he didn't like, whatever. But it's actually because what you do when you're in an asexual relationship is like, everyone does. We think it's about us. So that whole time you're thinking, how could I be more attractive for my partner? How could I perform better? Should I lose weight? And you kept trying to please him, and then you come to find out he's actually just not even into sex. So then you've wired your brain in this way to think, like, you're not desirable, you're not lovable, and you're not worthy enough for someone to want to have sex with. So it's all that negative conditioning. And 10 years is like, that's a long time. So now we just have to undo it. Now that we realize that you have to realize that you're with someone and they're telling you these things. Like, I don't think that people say things like that unless they mean it. You know what I mean? Like, he wouldn't keep saying it. He already has you in bed, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So just remembering these things Maybe write this down after we talk. Sometimes I forget. I always like write things down after. I like to hear something that inspires, you know, therapy or whatever. But like remember that it's not your current situation. Like people, you're very desirable and that was your partner, not you. And that's a long time not to have sex. So now you get to rebuild and start new. This is the John 20:19 who is desirable and sexy and wants sex and people want to have sex with you.

So do you have any thoughts about taking? I feel like, you know, I'm 50. Should I take some kind of a bold action? Should I do something that I wouldn't normally ever, ever do?

I don't know what you've done, like sexually.

Oh, no, I just mean like would I like go to a pool? Would I go to a public pool?

Yeah. Oh, oh.

So you know, take my shirt off?

Yes, you absolutely should. I mean I think see like small things like that, like going to the gym and taking your shirt, doing things that you wouldn't normally do. Absolutely. Go to a pool, take your walk around, do this has prohibited you in other areas of your life. I thought it was just during sex. So I think yes, do something. Oh, so it's everywhere. You've had this like self esteem, right?

I can't remember the last time I've had my shirt off once I'm out of the shower.

Oh yeah, absolutely. I think that when you get out of the shower, you have to dance around your partner, your house naked. Like I think you should start to be more naked, masturbate looking in the mirror. Do you know how hot that is when you actually do something like that? Like look at yourself and like turn around and look at your body. I'm sure you are fine. Like 50 or otherwise doesn't even matter. So I think like you've got everything going for you. You've got sex, you've got guys telling you you're awesome. So you're person we need to convince. So I think anything you could do. I always believe that doing something different is a huge step towards getting us to where we want to go do one thing different. So yes, like walk around naked, be naked at the park, in the pool, wherever, do it. Or like almost take your shirt off. You know, don't get arrested. But yeah, be bold and replace those negative thoughts. Thank you John for calling. Let me know how it goes. This is your year. I know it.

Thank you.

I will.

Thank you. You know, he's such a sweetheart. He sounds like body image and Negative self talk is a process. And when you could replace that negative with affirmations, you know, maybe there's like five statement. Maybe you think like, oh, I feel, you know, fat or something. And then you, you literally could have five things like, I am beautiful. My body is strong. I love my legs. And you could have them in the notes section on your phone. And, like, look at them when that negative thought comes in and you can replace it. We can rewire our brains with right thinking.

This reminds me of, like, so many people that call an email in saying that, like, I always tell my partner that they're so beautiful and they just. Or that they're so handsome or they so attracted to them and they're just like, no, yeah, like. Or they don't. It doesn't, like, help them out. They're like, well, I don't know. I compliment them all the time. I don't know why they.

And it's kind of like it's an inside job. Yeah, you guys, your emotional health is an inside job. No one else is going to make you feel beautiful or smart or successful. And we have to do all of that. It's true. But it's fun work, you guys. So we really have to work on ourselves and figure out. Meditation is a great way, even like 10 minutes a day, five minutes a day, training your brain so you're in control of your brain and your brain isn't ruling you. It becomes easier to replace those negative thoughts.

Okay, let's talk to Marie, who's 63 in Missouri because she says that she doesn't like to talk while having an orgasm.

Okay. Hey, Marie.

Hello.

Hello. Thanks for calling.

Yeah, I just listened to your call from the gentleman.

Yeah.

About his girlfriend or wife. And I was thinking of calling you about the same thing at some point in my life.

Good. I'm. So tonight.

Tonight, I don't like to have any conversation when I'm coming. Getting close to having an orgasm, it distracts me. It pulls me away.

Right.

I don't talk.

Okay, well, what. But, but here's. I'm glad you brought this up. No, Marie, I get this, but the thing that. Because we talked about in the break, we're like, well, maybe she could learn. But she. What he sounded like in his email was that she needed, like complete silence the whole time is what I thought.

I don't need silence the whole time. And maybe she doesn't either. Maybe it's just leading up to it because I know we'll be playing and I'm getting very excited and then my husband will go, do you like that? And I'll kind of make some physical motion, but then he'll ask me again. I'm like, stop. Just be quiet. I'm concentrating.

Because I'll get very close to having art.

So, no, that's a good modification here because we were talking about it. Maybe I was too harsh. I was like. Because he made. The way it was written was like, no talking, no whatever. But I get. Once you're getting there, you're concentrating like.

A local freak a little bit.

Oh, no, Marie, I'm so glad, because we were actually debating that here, that I think you're right. Like, I think that when I'm about to orgasm, I don't want anyone to do fucking anything. Like, I don't mind the talking, but if they move or whatever, it's frustrating for women like that when that orgasm's coming. It's like that sneeze, you know, you're like, oh, God, it didn't happen. So, no, there's nothing wrong with you at all. I think it was the way this was written. So I'm glad you called in. I get not wanting a distraction, so I think that it's fine.

But I'm also very. I find it very difficult to describe what I want.

Oh, okay.

Well, it takes me out of doing it, too, because I'm. I'm. If I'm playing with myself with a vibrator or whatever, or it's oral with a vibrator, whatever the combination is, and I'm getting close. I can't describe, do this or do that. I'm.

Right. Because your husband already knows, though, right? Or if there is something you want, you could talk about it when you're not having sex.

Okay.

So that's. That's the best.

I didn't know there was a way for me to start feeling comfortable talking.

Oh, no, no, no, no. There is nothing wrong with you, believe me. No, I was saying it felt like what we got from that was she wanted complete science. And he's like, sometimes I just want to talk dirty or give a fantasy. But I think that there's nothing wrong with you not giving instructions during sex or what you want. But what is great is to talk about it when you're not having sex. When you guys are hanging out, having dinner, Sunday morning breakfast, and say, like, let's talk about sex. I know that when I'm about to come, sometimes you talk, and here's what I would like. And then you let them know beforehand.

Okay.

Yeah.

And I've also mentioned to him that, you know, I use my hands. Like, if I'm pressing down. If I'm touching you and I'm pressing down on you, that means I like it.

You know, I have another way of vocalizing without using words.

That's great. No, no, I'm telling you, Marie, you're in a happy relate. You've been with your husband, I'm sure, a while. Like, you're fine. So you. There's not nothing wrong with you, I don't think. I mean, unless. Well, here's when there's a problem. Has your husband told you that he's got a problem with it?

Well, he wants to know whether I like it, whether I don't. Whether. Go here, go there.

Oh, okay.

Faster, slower. And I try to say that with my hands as opposed to saying it, because as I get close, I just. I'm focusing so much on where. What I feel.

Well, you guys could have, like, some signals, you know, like, you could figure out, like, baseball, like, you know, like, you're, you know, whatever.

Well, that's what I thought we were getting to that point. But my point was I was going to call you to see if you had any.

Suggestions, but then when this call came through, I was like, wow, that's like me.

Yeah. Yeah. I think you guys have to figure out some, like, nonverbal ways to communicate. And you're good, you know.

Okay.

Yeah, I think that's it. You're so welcome. I'm glad you called. Thank you, Marie. We're solving so many things tonight. Thanks, Marie. Thanks for calling in, you guys. This is so great. What I love is, you know, she's been listening for a while and, like, when someone calls in, even if you're sitting here thinking, like, I don't know my question, if I should call, you're gonna help so many people. Just think of all the people who are just, like, listening. Like, believe me, if you have the question, you're not weird. You're not alone. Like, someone else has that question. So I think it's brave.

Okay, let's take an email. Okay. This is From Kim, who's 21 in Louisiana, and she writes. Hi, Emily. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and we generally have a really good relationship. However, I recently met someone else that I'm very sexually attracted to. I was wondering if there was a way to approach my boyfriend, ask for a hall pass type of thing. Like, to ask for permission to hook up with this other person once. I think it would help me let out some steam and hopefully satisfy my want for something different in bed. But I still want to be with my boyfriend. Am I just wanting to have my cake and eat it, too? Is this not a thing? Help.

She's so cute. Oh, Kim. Kim, this is a really good question. Yeah, this is kind of a cake and eating it, too question. This is also a you're 21 years old question. So you guys have been together two years. He might be one of the first partners you've had, and you generally have a good relationship, but you're in the situation, you're in the place. What happens with a lot of couples, there's this thing called the honeymoon phase, which is a real thing. Like, we, you know, it's a state of mind when we're with someone and we. All the hormones, the oxytocin, everything's flying. You feel really connected, and we're in love and everything's great. It's really more like lust. And then it's gonna wane after. It's gonna. It's gonna change. And so, you know, it's been too. I feel like you want to stay with your boyfriend, but you are. You're young. There might be something that. That's not satisfying in your relationship. Typically, when we look outside of our relationship, it's because we're not getting certain needs met. And so I think that before you go off and cheat and ask them for a hall pass, which I actually appreciate, you're not going to cheat. You're going to ask for hall pass, But I don't think that's going to go well. So what I recommend is that you take it back inward and you talk to them about what you actually want in bed. Remember, our partners are not mind readers as much as we would love them to be, so we don't have to have these really awkward conversations. So. And I understand that, you know, that it is hard, but this is a great way to start. Just tell him. Let him know what you need. Or maybe you guys could figure out things together. You said you have to let off steam and satisfy your wants in bed. I don't think he knows. And maybe he hasn't. Remember, like, great lovers are not born, they are made. So this could be practice for you in working on your relationship together. You know, if you. If you really feel like you want to explore and you want to get out there, then it is time to end the relationship. That's my thought on it. If you. Rather than, like, ask for the hall pass, that's going to get messy. And often when we're in relationships, we want to go outside the relationship. So I think it'd be a great learning lesson, life lesson for you to say. I'm not really sure exactly what it is, but all I know is there's something with our sex life that's kind of missing for me and I think it would be, I love you, I love our relationship, and I think that we should start to talk about things that turn us both on. That would feel good. And if you guys don't know, listen to the show together. What has been so helpful for a lot of couples is that, you know, over the years they listen to the podcast, you guys can now listen, listen to the SiriusXM show together and kind of just use me and just say, well, Emily said this or that. You know, people, this is how a lot of couples and people learn how to have better sex. Go to a sex toy store, watch some porn together, that turns you both on. There's a lot of different resources out there if you're not sure exactly what it is, Kim, that turns you on. But I would use this again as an opportunity to have these difficult conversations. Here's the other thing people just made me think of. We hear from a lot of people who are, you know, new to the sex game. They just, you know, in their teens, 20s, and they're like, I just want to be the best lover. I want to have all the skills and all the tricks and all the things. But being a great lover is not about learning how to be the best kisser or learning how to give an excellent blowjob. Although we can tell. I can explain that to all of you. A lot of it is about these really challenging, hard communication skills that get a lot easier over time, right? That's why I'm just, just want her to rip the band aid off and have that conversation. If we can learn to communicate with our partners, hear what they're saying, pay attention, really listen, and then reflect back and kind of work on it together. That's how you become a great lover. Paying attention, being present and asking for what you want and listening to your partner. So it's not about how many people you've slept with. You know, there's plenty of people who have had a lot of friggin sex. And I'm telling you, if I had sex with them, I would probably not think they were great lovers. In fact, I've had those situations. I'm just thinking about all the emails we get from people like, my boyfriend slept with 15 people and I never have. Or vice versa. It's like that's not what it's about. It's about this. Communication is a lubrication and that will make you all feel a lot more satisfied and feel like that confident lover that you all want to be. Thanks everyone for listening. I hope you enjoyed the show. Thanks to my incredible team, Ken, Samantha, Julia, Michelle, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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