Outside The Sexual Box with Dr. Hernando Chaves

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Emily thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by my friend and sex and relationship therapist, Dr. Hernando Chavez. And we're talking about why we should think about sex differently topics. Sex isn't just the old in and out. So let's think outside the sexual box. Backdoor play. Better ways to dive in between the cheeks. Why Valentine's Day is the best time to jumpstart your bedroom activities and getting over sexual anxieties. It's a lot more common than you think. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

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You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com you can also find me on Sirius XM Monday through Friday on Stars109 for even more great sex talk. It's from 5 to 7 Pacific, 8 to 10 East. If you don't have SiriusXM, you can get a free 30 day subscription at sexwithemily.com sxm as always, thanks everyone for following us on social media. It's exwithemily across the board, but also another reason to follow besides the fact that you love our pages, is that we're doing giveaways. Check this out. Foria Awaken. We're giving away four bottles of Foria, which is the CBD pre lube that relaxes your vulva, essentially and makes sex better from now until Valentine's Day. Email feedbackexwithemily.com with the subject forea giveaway F O R I A and tell us why Foria will help jumpstart your sex life. Please your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Also, Woo. More play. We're giving some away and if you don't know about Woo. More Play. It is awesome. Woo. More Play is a coconut love oil. So it's an organic personal lubricant and it is so delicious. It's coconut oil, vanilla essence, beeswax stevia. It tastes good. It feels good. You can also use it for massage. All we need is for you to follow us and exwithemily take a screenshot of you listening to the show. Wherever you listen, upload it to your story, tag Sex with Emily and write one sentence on why you love the podcast. We'll be putting it in our story and then choosing a couple people to win.

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More play. One of my latest lyric sessions. Hope you guys enjoy this interview with Dr. Hernando Chavez.

Hello. Thank you for having me on.

I'm so glad for you to be here. Hernando. You haven't been on in a while. I mean, you've been on the podcast several times. Last time I believe I shot some lube in your face using a lube shooter.

It's not the first time, probably won't be the last time, but sneaks do happen.

Whatever happened to the lube shooter?

Oh, I love lube shooters.

I know. Really? So that happened and Hernando is a marriage and family therapist. He's a doctor of human sexuality and he's in the Los Angeles area.

I think lube shooters should be stocking stuffers.

It's not a bad idea. Including lube.

It's not a bad idea.

Huge fan of lube. If you want to know more about him, he's@drhernandoshavez.com, we'll put that in the show notes. You guys realize that any product, anything we mention on the show information, we put it in the show notes at sex with emily.com oh, and on Instagram he's at Hernando Chavez. If you go to my Instagram, Sex Emily.

We just a little story.

The stories. You can check it out. Good to see you, Hernando.

You too as well. And I want to start off by saying congratulations. You won an incredible award last night. The XBiz Sexpert of the Year Award for 2019. Congratulations. I'm going to do a little applause.

Thank you. He brought us some champagne here to celebrate. I appreciate it. It was a big night. Our industry man, that party, it's a, it's funny because it's. How long have you been in this industry?

You know, I've been floating around for about 10, 12 years.

Right? Okay, yeah, say like 14 years. And I mean, it really is, it's not a huge industry. Like, I feel like last night were the people in the industry, right, People in the pleasure business?

Yeah. I find that, you know, in January especially is when we sort of group all these different communities together. It's the adult industry, the sex toy novelty industry, the sex. And there's this sort of morphing of sexuality professionals and people who are, you know, really open minded and trying to put forth pleasure and advocacy for sexuality. So it's, it's a good time.

It is really the one place that you go. And then there's actually they honor us, the sexperts. So that felt great to be surrounded by so many people that we've worked for in the industry that are just cool, making cool products and, and there's.

Some kick ass people that you're in that small group of sex Bird of the year award winners. There's Jessica Drake. There's Dr. Ava Cadell, there's Dr. Jessica O'Reilly. There's now Dr. Emily Morris. I mean, this isn't true. This is the creme de la creme of sex ed.

And I feel like we need more of us too. You know, that's the other thing. I feel like we all are really very supportive of each other. In the sense of like, I'm glad that we're all doing it and we need more people talking about sex. So did you have any highlights last night?

Always seeing old friends and like just rekindling new relationships. I mean, you know, there's nothing better than seeing a friendly face, grabbing them, going to the bar, having a drink, shooting the shit, catching up. I think that's just. I mean, to me, relationships make the world go round. So I just love my friends, my family. Yeah, my family.

How about some of the awards besides my word? Sex toy of the year Non powered. We're very proud of our friend Forest from Aneros for the Trident series. Have you tried it?

Excellent. Aneros products have always been wonderful. Actually, when I talk about delayed ejaculation and erectile concerns with students and also with clients, we always bring in some Aneros products about how that can be a wonderful product for you to help with either that getting over the orgasmic hump or just about increasing your pleasure.

Let's talk about that for a minute. Okay, you guys, because I think you're going to open up a whole. A whole thing here is that we get a lot of calls from men who are concerned about their ejaculatory control whether it's too fast or delayed ejaculation. And I think there's a lot of. Delayed ejaculation is not as well known and that I always feel like it's. I don't have the perfect solution for it because. Or even.

Premature. It's like you got to work at it. There's things you can do. But talk to me more about prostate play and delayed ejaculation.

Yeah.

Which means. Let's define delayed ejaculation. You define it? I define it all the time.

Sure. It's essentially.

I love having another sex doctor here. I'm just gonna hang out.

Yeah, have some champagne.

Delayed ejaculation can be defined as not being able to experience orgasm in a timely manner when you're involved in a sexual sort of situation, situation and scenario. And for many people it becomes a stressor and anxiety and it becomes a very fixated problem that they start to sort of magnify because, you know, sometimes we do put the microscope under the areas that we're struggling with. And for a lot of people, especially with, let's say heterosexual relationships, to have long intercourse sessions can begin to produce pain. Or maybe sometimes people lose a little bit of that zest and desire. And so it can be a concern if people are making orgasm the ultimate goal. They're in a very orgasmic centric perspective with sex.

So we shouldn't be as orgasmic perspective. Orgasmic focused.

Yeah, I think we should stop when we stop. We should have fun when we want to have fun. And I think we should. You know, not every sexual experience has to end in an orgasm. I mean, when I do sex histories with clients, sometimes they'll tell me, like, what is one of your greatest sexual experiences or some of the most arousing, you know, fantasies you've had? And sometimes people will say, well, I had sex once outdoors or in an elevator at a hotel in Vegas, and there wasn't an orgasm involved, but there was a huge rush and an excitement. And I really hold on to that because there's an example of you can have fun and not have to put pressure on yourself. Although that's, you know, a little tricky with the public sex stuff, right?

With public sex, harder to have an orgasm.

Yeah, yeah.

And hard pleasure. But. But you're right. We did that show, Jay, remember, with all the guys. It was the males talk sex show we did.

Yeah. Three guys talk sex.

Three guys talk sex. It's a podcast, you guys, if you're for your weekend listening, we've got hundreds of podcasts you can check out. But. And the males, it was interesting because I went around the room and I asked them all for their most memorable sexual experience. And for all the guys, it was something sudden. It was the random, like, woman that they met at the hotel bar and they had sex, or it was sex outdoors. And it wasn't about the fact that they climaxed together or she gave them the best blowjob. It was sort of this spontaneity. It was something that was unexpected. It was that element of surprise and unknown and not planned. And that's what we defined. So I think that's such a great loop back at how do we. How do continue to keep knowing that, like, sometimes there's challenges around sex and not to make it all about that? I mean, like, what you're saying, it's just. I guess it's just hearing us say that.

One way that we could do that is start shifting our goals and expectations. You know, for many people, it is about coming or it is about, you know, a certain sort of, like, milestones that they're hitting with their sex. And I encourage you to bring it back into something more realistic. Like, maybe my goals and expectations should be around pleasure and connection and what a wonderful. I mean, you can always reach those goals if that's what you're sort of realistically expecting. You can always connect and be intimate with a partner. You can always experience pleasure and enjoyment and enhancement. And I think that can alleviate some of that anxiety and pressure which leads to things like premature ejaculation and erection concerns and female sexual pain and delayed ejaculation, which are oftentimes very anxiety based.

If there's delayed ejaculation. Delayed ejaculation, you were saying? I want to talk about that. Because that's usually typically if you, if it takes you 30 minutes or more to orgasm during a sexual act. So my question is, it's about, we were talking about the trident or the Inaros or prostate toys. How does that help?

So the prostate is inside. It's actually 30% of, I'm sorry, 70% of our ejaculatory sort of emission. And the prostate, when pleasured or pressured or stimulated can actually facilitate more pleasure and it can increase sort of our erectile capacity and also sort of facilitate faster the ejaculatory response. So basically if you stick something inside of your butt and if you're pleasuring that area, it can actually make you come quicker and it can keep you harder. And for a lot of people it feels really, really good. But then they have to work through some of their own sort of hang ups, which is the myths that they have about does this make me gay or is this something that's unhygienic and I have to get over my fear of poop. And there's so many things that people have to sort of work through. But when you finally work through it, it's like when you're having sex with, let's say it's a male and a female. Doesn't matter what I mean, it's a heterosexual experience. No matter what's happening, whether there's something in your butt or not.

Right.

So you've got to get over this idea that there's, that's compromising or challenging of your orientation. Because sometimes it's about discovering the erogenous zones in your body and sometimes they're not where you expected them to be.

Exactly. And then for a lot of men too, you're right, that is a thing. They're like, it's for exiting or it's going to make me gay. But what we're saying is a sexual act does not determine your sexual orientation. So I feel like yeah, it's important to talk about that and also just to let guys know that it's cool, explore, maybe start with the butt plug or like a cool prostate toy, you.

Know, I met this girl on Tinder a couple weeks ago, and she actually offered. She said, oh, do you want me to put something inside your butt? Like, my finger?

And I thought, wait, when you guys were having sex?

Yeah. And I thought, wow, times are changing. Now they're offering.

You weren't even promote. You weren't even saying, Like, I didn't even ask. And she asked you, though, can I do it? And did you say yes?

You know, I told her that it sometimes takes me a long time to come with a blowjob. And then she just offered. So I'm assuming that she's had a lot more experience and it's been something that's come up and, you know.

But she did ask, should I put my finger in there? Or was it before? Okay, did she have lube on her finger? Like, how can you put a. If you've never put a finger in a butt, what would you say? Hands are clean, nails are trimmed. Just put it in there.

You know, sometimes when you see women with really long fingernails, you're like, okay, that those claws maybe need to stay away from my penis. There's a little bit of, like, there's a concern. You don't know how that's gonna turn out. But at the same time, I think there's, you know, some basics like having trim, sort of manicured nails.

So for some people, the hygienic piece is also important. So even no matter who's sticking who into what person's ass, you can always put a condom on your finger too, as well. I mean, not all of us have finger cots. I think that sometimes isn't really accessible or handy. But put a condom over your finger, and that's at least gonna protect you from having to, like to do the whole hand cleaning and washing and sometimes, you know, within your fingernails and such.

Yeah, that's really. That's really good advice there, Hernando.

Wow.

What is the. Jamie has a question for you. She's been dying to ask you about anal. So I'm just gonna go down the anal route. I do. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. She wanted to know about prepping for anal. So we get a lot of questions about people. We talked about this. A lot of the fear around anal. Okay, let's talk about the fears that women have if they're having out their fear about preparation. What do I do? I need an enema? Is it gonna hurt? How do you make it not messy? A lot of women have really bad first time experiences, like, oops, wrong hole. And there was no lube. And Jamie's specific question was around, like, how to prepare for it. Enemas?

Yes, enemas. I was just curious because I've never seen one in action. So I was just like, so how does that process go? Is it better to use one? Like how? Yeah.

So a few years back, I was asked to be a consultant on a sex ed video where we got to write a script on anal. And that was something I was really passionate about. We have to include the anal bulb, the anima sort of scene, and we have to include the loop shooter scene because these are really important to me. It's not just about jumping into anal. And I was so happy that they accepted that in the script. And we actually recorded that in the video for the bulb. You know, some couples and people like to do it with partners. That could be an erotic experience. But I think most people want to do it solo and take care of that on their own. Generally, you want to do that a few hours before you're going to be sexual because there is going to be some leftover sort of water inside of you. And sometimes it can sort of ooze out during the sexual experience. So give your body a few hours to let it reabsorb whatever's left over. But to take that enemy bulb to not use any type of saline solution or salt solution, just use regular water that's lukewarm. And then to fill up that bulb, to lube up the tip as well with lubrication. Because to insert it inside of you and just squeeze that water, allow it to fill up inside of your rectum, go to the toilet, push it out, and do that about three or four times. And you'll notice that the end of the. The third or fourth time, there'll be a lot clearer water coming out. And that's when you know that, okay, it's a. It's there. It's a. There's, you know, nothing left over. It's a lot more sort of clean in there. One thing to note is that the rectum doesn't hold our feces. It's actually within the colon that the rectum is more of like a transport system. It's sort of like a tunnel. And as long as we clean out that rectum, it should be okay.

Okay, interesting. Because I've literally never. I was fascinated. I was like, I've never actually seen an enema in action, and I didn't want to look about video, so.

Well, here's the thing. Well, here's like a walking video. So Any sex questions at all? 8889478277 but the other thing I want to emphasize too is that not everybody needs an enema like at all. Like in fact we know our natural bowel movements. If we're clean, like I understand it might make people feel extra safe. But I also think it's not necessary if you've had a healthy bowel movement.

If you've just had a bowel movement, you know, depending on your diet as well too. If you're like living at the Taco Bell drive thru, you may want to reconsider naturally letting things happen. But you know, for people it's also about peace of mind that sometimes there's not much even in there. It's just about reducing anxiety. And isn't that what we're trying to do with sex? It's just, let's take the anxiety out of the equation. It's fun.

So much anxiety around sex, huh? What do people most common come to see you? What are the most common things that clients, patients come see you about?

Usually it's about desire or erection difficulties or low intimacy in relationships. Maybe they've had a long term relationship and the spark is one sort of diminished. But what I find is that performance anxiety is one of the most common experiences that people are really inside of their heads that there's so many distracting thoughts and worries and concerns and they're just like there's this statement that this term called spectatoring where you're kind of observing and witnessing the sexual experience but not really immersed into it because you're so concerned about are they orgasming? Am I going to stay hard? Are we having fun? You know, you're just sort of out of. It's sort of not an embodied experience but it's more of like a mental distracting sort of a concerned experience.

Yeah, I feel like that is the big challenge. We were talking about that earlier. Like, so what do you tell? And it's probably different for men and women or what's your practice around it? What do you tell? I know it depends, but give me an example. Okay, so I'm a woman. Let's say if it's a woman coming in and I'm, I'm just thinking like, I hope that I'm doing this right. I hope he thinks my body's attractive, I hope I'm moving right. I hope I have an orgasm. I'm just distracted and I. So I never really get pleasure or I'm performing, I feel like I have to perform and Then I never have orgasm. Sex is over, like, and I just find myself in my head, for example.

You know, for that example right there. I don't want, I want to understand more what is inside of her mind. What are some of those distracting thoughts? What are some of those self defeating thoughts? And one of the first initial, quote unquote homework assignments I'll give in therapy is I want you to write down all the distracting thoughts, all the thoughts that come up before being sexual, during being sexual, and also just some, some general ones that you have throughout life. And it's very interesting to find out what people sort of share. They all have different fears and concerns. It could be around body image, it could be around. It doesn't line up with my faith. It could be around pleasing a partner and them not orgasming. So then it takes me out of the situation. There's just so many worries that people have. And part of my job is to help sort of challenge each of those worries that we go through them and we start trying to process why, where these worries came from, maybe their origins. Maybe we're going to process sort of reasons why, why we can challenge sort of that the exception to those myths or those rules that they've created. And for a lot of people, it's really about trying to challenge and shift the way that they're thinking so that they can go into these experiences with more confidence, more empowerment, and less sort of doubt.

So it's kind of breaking down what they. So then you challenge, they put all their beliefs down and then you're like, okay, I probably see a theme here of what you're worried about. And then in the moment though, when you get into the, you're having sex, what do you tell them? Like, I have a lot of different ways, but I'm just curious. Well then, what I figured out. I talked to you, my therapist. I love Dr. Chavez. Oh my God. I feel better. I let it go. I realize that, like, my body's beautiful and then, but it happened again, like, what's the tool for in the moment?

I think it's important for us to not only come to those realizations in our work individually, but also to bring them into our relationships. So communication is important, important part of that. So if you have body image concerns, for example, and you bring that into, you know, those questions and those sort of doubts within your relationship, you'll get that reaffirming sort of response, that acknowledgement or support or validation.

So let them know I'm worried about it.

So it's, it's it's important, I think, for people to get that sort of external validation to support the internal validation that you're creating. And you'll find also too that a lot of times the worries that we have are our different things than what the partner's even thinking about. They're oftentimes like, they may be concerned about their breasts sagging or their stretch marks or their body image. And then all of a sudden the partners like, no, actually I think that's really beautiful. Like, like, I love seeing you nude and I just wish it would happen more. And, and if anything, like, you know, they're, they're like part of your imperfections are beautiful because I also am aging and have my imperfections and together we can just sort of enjoy our lives together. And it's interesting how we oftentimes really are self critical.

Yeah, dude, that's my biggest thing. I mean, I feel like when I talk about my insecurities, my overall thing is that it's not even. I can't even pick apart one body thing, but it's more like.

Doubting. Jamie, tell me what it was earlier. What's my issue?

You're just really hard on myself.

Hard on myself? I'm hard on myself. So not even like critical about one thing. It's like I just always think I should be doing something more, I should do it better, I should do it faster.

Something I've noticed with people is, you know, there's that, that age old question, what do women want? And what I've been finding is that it's really about feeling wanted, desired, appreciated and adored. Like there. If we can create like our.

Yeah.

Like a cherishing of our partners where they're valuable and, and we do want to touch them and be sexual with them and we want to communicate with them. And I think that people really respond and feel supported and validated and valuable.

It's crazy when you say that term, like was spectator.

Spectator.

Yeah, it's crazy.

I was like, Julie, I saw Julie's face. She's like, what?

Spectator? Okay. Hello. Breakthrough. I was literally like, when I feel like some, like there'll be times I feel like when I'm like on top and like a guy will be like, oh, like you look so great like that. And then suddenly I'm like, oh, I have to keep looking good because this is like what's turning him on? And now I'm just watching myself be on top and be like, yeah, something like my son, like, gotta be. Still be attractive. And I. And I'm Just not enjoying myself at all. But I'm like, oh, he thinks it's cool to be on top. I should, like, look as good as possible while I'm in this. And then it's. Yeah, it's totally a, like, pleasing other people kind of problem.

And, you know, I wonder what that. That person's experience is. They're probably just excited to be there. They're so happy that that's the thing.

Literally, he's not like, oh, she just. Her stomach just came out, or she arched back in an ugly way. Oh, she's not hot anymore. I know it doesn't happen intellectually. You know that, right? And so my thing is always in that moment is to just recognize the thoughts. And I'll bet even if you're having sex tonight, who knows what could happen? That now when it happens, you'll be like, oh, yeah, back to the what? Back to the. How does this feel? That I'm grinding on it? And then you just get out of your head. And I believe for me, the more times I've learned that, like, my thought. Bringing Back to the moment. Back to the moment, they don't. They're not as frequent. The negative thoughts during sex or the worries that I'm not doing something.

Something I've encouraged clients, and I do it myself, and I encourage friends as well, is that if you're able to relax yourself, whether it's like meditation beforehand or breathing, work beforehand or massage before you're getting sexual. And. And then even when we're in the moment, when we start getting into the. Into our heads or getting distracted, to just close your eyes, to take a few deep breaths and just tell yourself, get back into the moment. Get back into the body, get back into the sensation. And you just sort of like, get back into that rhythm and that groove. And even if you're closing your eyes for a few seconds, which I think allow us to focus on that sensation or focus on that breathing, you start realizing that this feels a little bit better. That to calm the mind and to feel the body and to feel the intimate sort of sensations, that. That's actually nice.

Yeah.

And that.

And that immediately drops you into the present moment with the breath. We talk a lot about that, but I can't emphasize it enough that not only is breath, like, important for life, we're not breathing. We're dead. But during sex, when you breathe, breathe, like, literally, like, sometimes I breathe so loud, even I'll just go, like, three times. Even if it's during sex, I don't care. But It. It literally just shakes everything out of my head. And then I'm back in the moment. And I don't care if it was weird or anything, but I. I'm not worried about, because I know that that's a better alternative than to me tripping on whatever it was in my mind. And then you realize that when you breathe, it also really, really helps with pleasure, with circulating that energy, that blood flow through your body, and also can help enhance orgasm. I found when I think that's not going to happen, and instead of thinking, is it, Am I almost there? I just stop and I breathe deep. So it's almost like I've set up like a Pavlovian response to my, is it going to orgasm? Or whatever is annoying me, like someone going to walk in? Is there a door? I'm hot, I'm cold. I breathe into the moment loudly, wherever to stop everything. And then I'm like, back to the present moment enjoying sex.

I love it. Look at you turning everybody on the room.

Baby, breathe it deep, deep breath.

Well, like, I. I love to meditate, but, like, I've truly never even thought about connecting meditation with sex, which makes so much sense.

Yes, we talk a lot about mindful mindfulness sex, being sex and being mindful. I think is. We should do a show on that. I think we have done podcasts on that. But yeah, it really is, you know.

A huge practice meditation app. But no, like meditating sex apps.

You know what? I actually, I was on my friend Tal's podcast. It's called the Den Talks podcast, Den Meditation Center. And I talked to. I did a little on the fly, a mindful meditation practice. Because I like. Like Dr. Chavez says is that it really is probably one of the biggest issues. And I feel like people have been more able to articulate that in the last few years. I found for whatever reason, I. Or maybe it just seems more prevalent to be. People are so much more distracted that it just seems like we gotta incorporate that. And it really is. If you want to practice a mindful practice, I talk about starting with mindful masturbation. So when you're masturbating, to also just be like, do that deep breath, focus on all the senses in your body, what's happening in the moment, and then practicing. So you. When you're in the actual moment of sex, you're not tripping on your thoughts.

And there's a biological reason why that's so important and valuable. You know, in our brains, if our brains are stressed and dysregulated, it's going to impair the functionality of us being sexual or experiencing pleasure, orgasm sensation, circulation for erection or for lubrication. And, you know, if we can relax the brain, we're actually opening the doors for us to experience more possibilities with our sexual cells, with our sensory experience. So, you know, there's the sympathetic and the parasympathetic sympathetic nervous system. And the sympathetic is what creates anxiety, stress, fight or flight or fear. And then the parasympathetic, which is what we're talking about, relaxes the brain. The more we can create that relaxation, the more we're opening the door for us to have circulation, to have erection, to have potential like engorgement around the pelvic region to open the door and facilitate orgasm. Like, there is a bio. There's a reason this is actually effective.

Yeah, good. Great way to back it up with science here, Dr. Shaw.

I like bringing science and sex together.

I just love it because it's all connected, you know, it really is true.

So I do that in the bedroom. All the scientists are like, tell me more.

Do you?

Tell me more research. Keep going.

More research is so hot. Dr. Chavez, the way you talk about sex, do you feel like people. Women want to date like you because of what you do for a living?

I'll bet the same thing happens with you, though, that, like, they love it and then they're, like, a little intimidated by it, and then there. There's like, some insecurities that come up, and there's just always like this, like, it can be a little challenging for people, for lay people that think that, you know, they think that they're inferior or they think that you, you know, every time you're hanging out with a sexologist, you're having sex with all your friends. And, like, you know, every time. Orgies.

Not every time is our big kinky orgy. I mean, sometimes I'm just exhausted. I'm like, out with you. I mean, just one.

Sometimes we all just.

Just one tonight.

Threesome.

Yeah, exactly. A threesome. It's a relief.

I know.

I mean, sometimes we just get together and put on a porn and watch it together and eat popcorn.

Porn? Yes, lots of porn. We're gonna take a quick break, and when we come back, we're gonna get into your calls and even more sex talk.

I am here with my good friend and colleague, Dr. Hernando Chavez. He's a sex therapist, sex educator. He teaches the kids in the universities about sex. And you can hear answer questions, you know, tag team. And we were together last night and he was with me when I won my sex Bird of the year award. So thank you to X Biz. I haven't thanked him. Yep. Thank you. It was a big thing.

Big night.

It's a huge thing.

I know.

It's amazing.

I love it. So there's that. And so, Hernando, we had some more questions for. Did we want to take a call? Jamie, please take a call, because I.

Just want to talk to this guy a little bit. His name is Ray in 44 in California, and he wants to know if it's normal for a guy's age to have sex 27 times in six days.

Hey, Ray.

Hey, how you doing?

Are you just calling us in between sessions right now? Just kidding.

He's gonna have to cut out right now. Ray, is it normal? We hate to throw that word around in our industry. Right?

You know that word always gets broken down here. Yeah.

Yeah. So tell me more. What do you think about it, Ray? You having good sex? You've been busy.

It's always foreplay. It's always. You know, I like foreplay. I like the. I like the whole body. My. My priority is always make her come first or two times and then. And then. And it's over for me. I'm. I'm the dude that's gonna. That's gonna cuddle up. Okay. It's over with.

Okay.

All said and done. And then five minutes later, I'm ready to go again. Five, ten minutes.

Wow.

Okay, so here's my question, Ray. So is this a problem? So 27 times with. With the same person or like 27 different women? I'm trying to get to the heart of what.

Oh, no, I'm not that kind of.

Okay, same person. Oh, you're in love. Okay, so what? So six. My math is best. So that's like five times a day? Three, four times a day.

Five times a day. And she had a little stomachache one night. So we. We.

We only hate that when she stomachs. Well, wait, wait, how. And you guys been together a while or. It's a new relationship. This sounds like a new relationship kind of thing.

But it's not really quite new. It's just that our Democrat Democrats. Separation. It hasn't been really easy for us to. Until we can. To really be together. But now they're. Now it's gonna be that we're gonna be together for.

Okay.

So the question is 27 times. Is it?

And you're.

She's. It's not always penetration or. It is.

Is it? Is it what now?

Are you having pen, you said there's a lot of foreplay. Are you saying a lot of foreplay leading into intercourse or penetration?

Yeah, exactly, exactly.

I mean, I don't really enjoy every.

Part of the body.

Okay, well, here's when. When there's a problem during sex, like when we would say, yeah, there's a problem. It's when there's consequences or it's getting in the way of you can't show up for work because you're always having sex or you're masturbating and you know if there's a problem. So as long as everyone's having a good time. Just sounds really busy. I'm sort of exhausted. But hearing about. What do you think, Dr. Chavez?

I mean, you know, to me it's, it's, it's. It's not as important to focus on frequency for people. I think that sometimes we put so much emphasis on how many times. I think it's about how our relationships can manage and how you mentioned Emily, our life can manage it. So that if some people prefer and desire in their relationships once or twice a week or a month, and some people want it four to five times, you know, per day, as long as you can, you're both on the same page about it. And it's something that's enhancing your world and it's not coming at a cost with other sort of consequences or responsibilities. Being, you know, challenged. I think that's wonderful. And what's challenging is that sometimes we find partners that have different libidos and sort of differing sort of amounts of desire that they want to express in being sexual. And that's where it can be challenging. So in relationships where there's high frequency sex, sometimes people might go through a stressful period. They may go through like a, you know, their own sort of challenges of like a health issue with a family member. And all of a sudden their libido takes a dip. And so then partnerships have to find a way to incorporate masturbation or, you know, just find a way to support each other's sort of sexual needs when they start changing.

Right. So right now I think you're in the sweet spot. Right. If she's happy, you're happy, we're happy.

You know, we're both, we both have about the same.

Libido.

You found the perfect person.

Yeah. This is a great person for you now. So if it changes, you know, you know where to find us. Thanks, Ray. Thanks for calling. Sex with Emily.

Thanks, Ray. Have fun.

Have a good day. Seriously. We don't need some that. I mean really. Triple eight, nine, four, seven eight two seven seven. You've not one but two sex. Sex doctors, sex sex therapists, sex experts here in the room. And we love taking your calls and talking to you about sex. Conano's an old friend too.

Could you keep up?

Four times a day.

If I was on vacation.

Every day, four days. I mean it's been year. I mean I could do a couple.

Those days, maybe a vacation, you know.

Cause I'm on vacation.

But I think for like consistency in life, I think I'd no.

And how do you know? How do you count? I mean, I don't know. I mean I think when I was like traveling this summer for two weeks we were having sex all the time. But no, I don't think I could keep it up.

I'd be like texting in between. I'd be like, I need the title for the show tonight.

Yeah, I need your help. I'm like, I'm having sex. The good news is like if I'm having sex, I could never have guilt around it because it's research, you know.

It'S something that I talk a lot with my guy friends about is like the physical exertion of being sexual that sometimes like masturbating. Even if you want to have, let's say three or four orgasms per day, that having sex three or four times a day can be really exhausting. But you know, squeezing in a couple masturbations with like that sex sometimes like balances out the need for the release but also the physical exertion.

Yeah, it's true, you're right. There is a certain thing like where it can be. It is exhausting for men, the refractory period. I mean I'm impressed by Ray 44, four, five times a day. Cuz as you get older it can be harder for. It just takes a little bit longer the refractory period for men to get going again, get an erection, to ejaculate.

Oh I remember one time I was in college and I had. I just bought my girlfriend a like diamond rings for earrings. I'm sorry for Valentine's Day. And she was so thrilled. Her first pair. So like the next day she like me for like nine hours straight. And like I came more than I ever have in my life with one person. Like it was just, it was. And then my dick didn't work for like four days after that.

Really broken dick.

It took a break.

You're like depleted.

He's like, peace out.

That dick went on Vacation.

Running a dick marathon. Yeah, I get it, man. Take. Take a sauna with that dick. Do something.

I'm like, relax.

Ice it. Put it on ice.

Yeah, like, oh, this is that refractory period now.

Yeah, Right? Yeah.

Like, what do you do? Can you do anything but wait?

Well, you just wait. You're just, like, crossing your fingers. And then she's wanting more because I guess she's so excited about the diamond earrings. And I'm like, that works.

It's.

It's not working, and I can't help it.

Yeah, the diamond rings, I guess. I mean, maybe they are girls best. Something. I don't know.

Jewelry.

Yeah, exactly. Maybe. Or vibrators. Here's my thing about Valentine's Day, which. Not to worry. We've got your ass next week for Valentine's Day. The next, I guess. Well, we still have a month, but in our business, it's like, it's coming up fast. So my belief around Valentine's Day is make it about your intimacy and your connection. You could go out to dinner and spend a ton of money, which is probably jacked up three times the price. Or you. You could get your partner something super sexy, pleasurable. A sex toy. An experience. Like a really great evening. And we're giving each other massages. Buy some candles. I just think, like, why not? There's so many other nights of the year where we don't focus on it that I don't know how that Valentine's Day got hijacked by flowers and candy and food. Why not? Why didn't it get hijacked by sex? Like, why can't we. So I just.

And it got hijacked by capitalism too.

Well, true.

You go to dinner that night and it's like, oh, it's a $200, you know, for two people, you know, $100 per plate, you know, sort of experience.

And all you're thinking is, going to sex. I shouldn't eat too much because I want to go to sex, Right?

And then you gotta. You gotta use that old Dan Savage line where, like, you should have sex before you go out to eat and before you go out because you get too tired after you eat and after you go out.

That's my thing too. I always say, winner, winner, sexy. Before dinner. Do it.

I like that.

Because then you're not stressing. And then you can eat whatever you want, get dessert, have another cocktail, work up an appetite. Work up an appetite. Maybe you'll do it again. Maybe. But there's no press, because sometimes you go on the Date and you have all the buildup and you drink too much, you eat too much Taco Bell. Then you get home and you're like, I don't want to have sex.

Well, hopefully you're not going to Taco Bell for Valentine's Day, but.

Oh, not for Valentine's Day. Well, Hernando was talking about. I'm sorry, that was a callback to anal sex and Taco Bell, which two things that should not go together. No tacos and in anal. Don't want to do that. I'm going to circle back to the butt. What we've seen here, Hernando, on Sirius xm, is that. Or, you know, I gotta say, we've been hearing a lot more about it. I would say in the last year and a half, the whole Sex with Emily empire here. No, but that, that men, it used to be like, don't worry, anal, like, doesn't make you gay. But now there's a lot more straight men I found who are dabbling and they're interested in prostate play and even pegging. And Jamie had some specific questions from.

Well, no, see, because I've always. It's been a fantasy.

It's been on the rise to.

To peg someone, but I don't want to. I want to peg a very specific kind, like a manlier man.

And first we have to define pegging because I know from my friend Vicki in San Francisco, who listened to the show a month ago, text me and said, what is pegging, Hernando? You define it.

Pegging, it's a term that was popularized by Carol Queen a couple decades ago. And basically it's a female dominant strap on play with a male submissive.

Thank you.

She's wearing a strap on that has a dildo on it. And she. Carol's bend over boyfriend.

Mm.

Is that still the. The leading on DVD video on it.

You know, back in the day, because there wasn't like downloads and pirating like it really.

We're talking the 90s or 80s, 70s. It came out. It was a long time.

I want to say, like early 80s, maybe.

Early 80s, yeah. Good Vibrations to keep some minded that. So anyway, pegging back to you.

Yeah. So do you question like, so do you see that like with like, do people come into you and talk about that as a fantasy? And like, do you think is it normally, like, is it just about the power play or what is the.

It's a little bit about both. I think that, you know, depending on. On people's desire for submission and domination within their. Their sexual Play. I think that that in part is part of it. That's the psychological piece, but then there's also this pleasure piece where when people experience something within their rectum or within their sort of a body area that they just newly discovered, we get really excited about playing with it. And, and, you know, sometimes I'll tell guy or I'll challenge guys to answer this question. Does it feel good when you have a really like, pleasurable bowel movement? Like, does it feel good when you sort of expel that? And a lot of guys will say, yeah, it feels great. I'm like, well, that's kind of the experience with pegging for some people, because that bowel movement is sort of going through the rectum, but it is sort of rubbing up and sort of going past that prostate. So there is some pleasure associated with that release. Now imagine if that's happening over and over again with the in and out penetration of pecking, you know, but there is a psychological arousal. There is like the dominant sort of submissive piece that you're bringing up. What I find is that when you discover a new pleasure zone, that people just get really excited about it. But then there is that internal conflict between the fear of people judging us and the anxiety about, is this something that's compromising my orientation? And we've got to work through that. But if you can, you can really start sort of add another nugget to your sexual repertoire.

Yeah, there you go, James. There's the pegging questions because we do get more of those. Yeah, I want to switch, I want to switch gears here for a minute. You said, we talked earlier about people, a lot of the challenges that people have during sex or things that prevent us from having sexually healthy lives. And we talked about faith. You said people, it could be their faith that's tripping them up, their religion, how they were raised. That's a tough one when you're, you're not even a kid aware of it. Maybe, like, maybe it's not as conscious.

That it's still ruling you.

You could be, you know, out of the home, you could be married, but you're still thinking like, sex is wrong sex. I shouldn't be doing certain acts. And I know that you see patients who come to see you. What, what, what process do you work with people on that if it's something that they feel no longer serves them, but it still has a hold on them.

For a lot of people, our upbringing is going to have a strong foundation in who become a sexual beings as adults. And so if the faith or the spirituality that you grow up in has messages that are sex negative or messages that are sort of compartmentalizing sex that can only occur in certain constructs, like in within marriage or with a certain sort of gender or orientation. That can be really hard for people. And it is a challenge to work with people to try to balance both your faith and your spirituality with your sexual authenticity. For a lot of people, it's about finding. Finding sort of a fusion between those two, because you don't have to be one or the other. You don't have to be a authentic sexual being and an atheist. You don't have to be a sexually repressed, sort of a religious individual. You can find a union between the two, but you have to have an open sort of heart to having compromise and being able to sort of make your belief systems less rigid and a little bit more sort of in that gray area, that flexibility. For a lot of people, there are faiths, like, for example, if we talk about Christianity or Catholicism, some people will go towards, let's say, a faith like the Universal Arians, which are. That's a Christian faith that is supportive of the LGBTQ community. They also do weddings that are supportive for people of the same genders. There are ways that we can sort of unify faith and sexuality, and I think that's where, for some people, it really alleviates that guilt.

Right. And I guess the first step is just coming and saying it might be a problem, you know, hearing them talk through it. If they give you, like, their sexual history or whatever's stopping them, because I know a lot of our listeners have those challenges. Oh, I want to talk to you about this. Where people see mostly patients just like us. People call in, they're seeing you for, like, mismatched libidos and stuff. What about. Let's go back to the. The awards last night. I just wanted to give a shout out to some people besides myself who won. If I told you, I won sex part of the year, but we had some pleasure products. Sexual lubricant of the year was pure.

Have you tried pure lube?

I have their soft gloss. It's good.

Great brand. Yeah.

Yeah, it is good. It is good brand. Good things for you. What do you think about cannabis and sex?

Interestingly enough, I'm doing at the AVN show next week at the convention. I'm doing. I'm on a panel with, discussing CBD and sexuality. I'm a big proponent of, you know, whatever we could do to help reduce sexual anxiety and help sort of create More pleasure. I'm all for it. And so for a lot of people, whether it's reduction of anxiety, reduced inhibitions, whether it's about managing pain, go for it. If CBD works for you.

Yeah, I mean, there have been some good studies. So I want to say, because I was. My next thing was the sexual enhancement product of the year last year for you. One with their pleasure thing. And Floria has been a friend for a long time. And four is just this really cool CBD product that you can apply. It's like a pre lube, we call it. And you apply it to the vulva before, you know, sexual activity for about 30 minutes before. And for a lot of women, it can help just relax them. All that anxiety that you're having about sex relaxes the vulva. They can have more orgasms. And then we have another one, Carezza, which is really cool because Carezza, they have an in the moment spray. And then in the moment you spray it in your mouth. It's K A, R E, Z Z A. We just, we. Well, I've tried it, you guys. I got a pre. They sent me out two months ago and I friggin love it. And it relaxes the mind, elevates your body. There's different ways now to ingest it. So I would just. I found it to be very, very useful for me, even with all my deep breathing and mindfulness. Sometimes you just need a spray of cbd. Put it on your vulva.

And I think for people, the trial and error, just to like try it out and see what happens and you can experience something incredible and might as well go for it.

There's so many great innovations right now.

I actually do something that's a little bit off label with some of the CBD products. I'll take the, Take the lube and I'll like put it on my knee or my back or like my neck. And it actually reduces the pain. If I'm, you know, you know, I've got all my old, like sports, football injuries and stuff that it actually helps a lot.

Yeah, it really. Oh yeah, it helped with my back. I have lower back pain. I just stopped doing other things I was doing mostly and I put that.

On and it's amazing how my mom sleep, actually.

Yeah.

Through the night. Like actually sleep through the night.

Yeah. I feel like it's true because we're. I mean, we're here in California so we can go out and it's everywhere. So I just think. But people can get it wherever they're living, right now if you go to sexfamily.com, we kept more information about that, our store.

That could totally be another like, sex educated party we can have. We could just like lube each other up with like the different, like, problem areas of our pain.

We could do that. I love all of our sex educated. Do you remember we could lube each other up. Do you remember the. Were you at the. The lube wrestling match we had at. In Vegas at Tom Nardone's room?

I mean, which one?

I only went to one. There used to be this amazing show. So what I love about industry, we have two trade shows a year. The one we talked about earlier this week and me, but there was also the ILS in Vegas and Tom Nardone, who's a friend of ours, and he. He friggin had a. He bought these plastic pools and filled it up with vats of lube and we lube wrestling.

He's such a fun guy. He's just so outgoing and like innovative and creative.

Yeah, we need to do more of that. We need to lube each other up more. You want to take some calls to him?

We should lube each other up. Anyways. Okay. So let's talk to Michael from New Mexico, who's 55, and he said his girlfriend cried during sex and he thinks that she's lying about the reason.

Oh, okay. Hey, Michael.

Hi. How you doing, Emily?

Great. Thanks for calling.

Tell me what you love your show.

Thank you, Michael.

Let me tell you what happened. I was with my girlfriend and we're at her house. Okay. She's recently divorced. We both have recently divorced, but we've known each other practically all our lives. But we both went our separate ways and kind of reconnected. And so we were at her house and it was just me and her, and we started getting intimate, frisky. And we took it from the living room to the bedroom. And then we started having sex. And then about halfway in it, she's just said, get off me. Just stop. Get off me. And started crying just like, you know, like I was doing something to hurt her or something like that.

Okay.

And then when I asked her, why, why, why? What's wrong? What's wrong? She didn't say anything. And then about a day later. Okay. She said, well, it's because, you know, when your face was on me, it reminded me of assault. That happened to me back somewhere else. And then I said, okay, well, that's the last thing I want to be thought of as somebody assaulting you. And then Then she gave me two other reasons. Then she says, no, no, because I thought my son was going to come home. And then we. Plus, we had to go get my daughter from the movies. And I don't believe any of them, okay? Because she's given me three different reasons, okay? And what I thought was, okay, well, maybe because we're at her house, in the bedroom that her and her husband share, that maybe she just freaked out, panic. You know, I could believe that more than the other three.

Huh.

Scenarios she gave me. So. Well, I just want to get your viewpoint, what you think it could be. Or.

Well, you know, when you first started talking, I have to say, well, first when I just. When Jamie just read what you were going to say, I thought some women do cry after orgasm. It's completely natural, you know, pleasure. And it's so interrelated. Like you could cry, you could have an orgasm. Like that happens. Happens. But we're not talking about that. So let's go to what you're saying here. I mean, to me, they all sound like they could be valid reasons. I. Sometimes women do cry. It could be what we call a trauma response. I would not discount that maybe she's been sexually assaulted. And for a lot of. Or sexually abused. And for a lot of women, there can be triggers, but it depends on the. You know, there's different ways that women cry. Usually you can tell a trauma response. There's a lot of heavy breathing. It sort of sounds like. Like they could be having, like a panic attack, maybe with the tears, if it was that kind of thing.

When I asked her, when she came back, she came back and said, no, it wasn't that. She didn't know why she said that. And she said the real reason was that she was. She just didn't want to have sex anymore. But I'm like thinking, well, why would you cry if you don't want to have sex? You could just say, hey, let's just stop. We need to go. You know, you don't cry me, you just don't cry.

Well, here's the thing, Michael. Women cry. We cry for all different reasons. But also she might have. I'm telling you, we cried all the freaking time. I almost cried today. She might have felt weird telling you about that assault. Like she might have felt. Not felt comfortable because she may never have told anybody if that was real, let's just say. And. And here's the thing. When women, when we open, men too, when we open up and we get vulnerable, maybe she wanted to be like, oh, babe, I'm so sorry. But if you were. You know what I mean? Like, who knows how you responded? Or maybe she wasn't even ready and she felt embarrassed or shamed for telling you. So I actually can't discount any of them. I could sit here and analyze it all day long, but I wasn't there, Michael. So if you still.

I know. And you know, and I asked her if she's ever been like that or freaked out like that with any of her other partners, and she said no. And so that's. That's where the confusion came in. And then she says, well, it wasn't about my assault. It was just merely the fact that I just want to. To stop.

All right, Hernando.

Dr. Chavez, as you were describing it, I was on the same boat as Emily of, like, thinking, okay, this could be just an orgasmic response that people sometimes laugh, they cry, they have this sort of tension release with orgasm during sex. But it sounds to me more like what Emily was mentioning, that sort of a trauma response associated with maybe a previous history of assault, coercion, or abuse. And there is a triggering that happened that is. I don't want. It's not your fault. It's something that comes up in the moment and something that we have to either embrace and support. And I'm proud of you for stopping and supporting her in that moment. I want you to try to not personalize this, because it's not about you. It's about her history, her experience. And you can be a supportive person in her life to help her through this, because with a lot of people who've experienced abuse or trauma or assault, it's about creating safety within relationships. And you being supportive and also trusting and believing her is one of the ways you can create some of that safety and security. And it may possibly be that all of these reasons might be. Might be relevant for her. And it also may be that she had initially told you about that assault and then felt maybe her own shame or guilt about disclosing that, and then backtrack, just maybe to use another excuse, we don't know. Because it's going to be up to the two of you to have a relationship that promotes honesty and trust and transparency and to be really vocal about the realities of what you're experiencing. But I do want you to know that we sometimes personalize things.

Yeah. I would say, Michael, if you really care about this woman, sounds like you do, just say, I've been really thinking about it, and you can show any side you want to me, but I'M here for you and I support you and let's talk more about it. Don't feel shame. And you know it's okay to feel open and talk. It sounds like there's some more information and just when we, when we start to feel safe, women, we're gonna, we're gonna tell you everything. So I think it's a few some more questions and talking to her about it. All right guys, thanks for listening. I hope you enjoyed the show. Thanks to my incredible team, Ken, Samantha, Julia, Michelle, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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