Owning Your Oral : 15 Years of Good Head

Oral sex hasn't exactly been taboo in the public discourse for years, but I still get questions about it all the time. So, Emily, how do I make sure I'm doing it right? What are your best tips? What's the biggest thing people get wrong when going down on someone? How do I get my partner to do it more? Well, in today's episode, I'm going all the way back to my earliest podcast episodes to give you the best tips, tricks, calls, questions, and answers about oral sex. First, we talked Kamasutra expert Julianne Balmain about what the Kamasutra says and doesn't say about giving oral. We hear from a few callers, and I get in depth with my friend Dr. Sadie Allison about some practical things you can do to up your oral game. Stick around because you won't want to miss what one caller says about oral and tongue piercings.

I don't think I ever actually looked at my vagina, and so I thought my vagina was funny looking.

Your right hand is wonderfully just crouched right on top of her cute little cherry doorbell of the clitoris.

I used to have an old girlfriend, and you know, I loved her to death and everything, but she used to, you know, try to bite and do all this other—

The teeth?

Oh yeah.

Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they called them in a bygone day. Tonight we're talking to Julianne Balmayne, who is the author of a beautiful set of books about the Kama Sutra.

Okay, so Vatsyayana has this very beautiful and quaint approach to sex. I mean, he's very open-minded and very liberal, especially considering he was writing a couple of thousand years ago. He says basically you should do whatever is appropriate to the time and the place where you are. You know, it's sort of a when in Rome philosophy, but it's a little bit even broader than that. There are times when it's appropriate to be with more than one woman, and there are times when it's appropriate to be with more than one man. There are times when it's appropriate to do whatever sort of deviation. And he points out, like, this is a deviation that is not going to be appropriate in most cases, but behind closed doors, you never know what happens.

Why? What kind of deviations?

Well, I mean, anal sex, for example, is a serious deviation. And he says, this is not to be done unless you're in the South, when it is done, and we don't want to talk about it. But if you're going to do it, this is what happens. Another deviation is oral sex. And then he makes the exceptions and says, well, the harem girls like to do this to one another.

This is okay. This is the kind of life we want to hear. It like gives you really good tips for going down on a woman. And I was like, this has been around for thousands of years and most men still can't do it.

Except I think I wrote those because he doesn't have the ones for going down on a woman.

I know, I know. It was your interpretation, but I really liked how you did it. No, because, okay, this is what I loved about your writing is that it does say that, okay, for example, this is the one that I have in my hand about it. It says some women of the harem, when they are amorous, do the acts of the mouth on the yonis, which is the word for female, female sex, female sex of one another. And some men do the same thing with women. And so she, you take the real, the actual, that's the actual quote. And then the actual quote from the Kama Sutra. And then what Julianne does in all these cards is she kind of, so again, like the oral sex here, it wasn't actually in the Kama Sutra, but, um, it did talk about oral sex. And she goes into all these, which I think is exa— I wanna like give this to, to, to men. It talks about, you know, what to do for those who would like more detailed instructions. Here are 6 steps to heading south with confidence, which I love. This is your modern take on it. Gently, slowly pinch her lips together, kissing and nuzzling as you would her mouth. I love— that's so— that's exactly what it is.

Yeah, well, that's— that's my wish list is what that is, right? I thought I'd put it out in the world and maybe, maybe it will come back to me. You never know.

Has it come back to you?

A couple times, yeah.

Plunge your tongue in, devouring her. Take time to nibble her thighs, run circles around her navel, and generally delay gratification. I mean, this is all like, yes, this is good. Okay.

Well, that's also in the spirit of the Kama Sutra. There's a lot of attention paid to foreplay in general, but also the kind of the teasing.

Yeah.

There's a lot of shampooing of the thighs that occurs in the Kama Sutra. And I was like, what is this? And basically, when they say shampooing, they mean to use some sort of oily unguent and to rub it, you know, with these wonderful motions.

We never do.

When was the last time you had your thighs shampooed? I mean, nobody does this anymore. And if they did, wouldn't you be excited? But look at the back.

These are all the things I want, like slower, like everyone's like, I want more foreplay. And you get to someone and you just get into your routine. But the thing about the cum sitter is there's so much about sensuality and touch and about relationships and about all this, just the beauty of falling in love and even being together for a long time, you know, about doing different things with your partner and keep experimenting, you know, going to play, like how you, your interpretation also, but going to plays or seeing singing a song together.

Or the great thing where they say, you know, after you've had a night of love together, you know, you should go outside on the balcony and have something sweet to drink, maybe something mint tea, or maybe something, you know, fermented. And you should— the male party of the pair should point out the constellations, you know. And it's like, wow, okay, on one hand it's kind of paternalistic, but on the other hand, how sweet, you know. That sounds really lovely.

I got like excited about that. So this is another one we're talking about, like teasing and touch. All the places that could be kissed are also places that can be bitten.

Oh, this is a very funny aspect of the Kama Sutra that, to my knowledge, has been somewhat lost in the modern era. They were really into biting and leaving marks when they bit one another. It was, you know, if you had a night of passion with someone and came away without being marked up all over, then it was really— you had nothing to show for the experience and nothing to remember it by. And it was just, you know, it was shallow somehow, or hollow. They really like to make a mark that would not break the skin, of course, because that would be unpleasant, but you want to bite hard enough to leave a mark that lasts for 2 or 3 days. So, there's kind of an art to knowing how hard to do it, and then they would make patterns, and that some of the patterns meant things, you know. So, if you're going away for a few days, you would nibble a certain pattern around a woman's breast, you know, and, you know, if you think about the time When Vatsyayana was writing, women went around with their breasts exposed or partly exposed. They had a very sheer silk maybe over the, over their breasts. And so you could see these marks.

Thank you, Julianne Balmain, and thank you for listening to Sex with Emily Morse. We're talking with Nicole from the Insight Institute and she studies orgasmic meditation. And of course, I called Nicole Halpert and there's a course tonight called 10 Things Women Want You to Know About Their Genitalia. So Tell me what was learned tonight.

Let's see, um, men learned how to be with a woman, I'll say, her vagina.

Yep, you can say that.

Just be with it. Like, oftentimes we have a partner in our lives and our partners never even looked at our vagina.

It's true.

We've actually, I mean, before I started this practice, I don't think I ever actually looked at my vagina.

Right?

And so, just, just, like, looking there.

Right. Why do you think that women don't and men don't?

I think it's really confronting.

Right.

I think it's really, um, we have to look at our sex and we have to, um, be okay with it. And I know, um, before, another thing, before I started this practice, I thought my vagina was funny looking.

Right, compared to other things or just in general you thought it was funny looking?

Like compared to, um, the picture that I had always seen in the magazine of vaginas.

Right.

It looked funny looking.

Right.

So I had a lot of fear of that when I would have sex with someone, like, oh gosh.

That he's gonna think it's funny, but he probably wasn't even looking, right? I don't think, I don't think they care. They don't, they're like, whatever, it's deep and wet.

Exactly.

Okay.

It's not anything that we could like make ourselves wrong about.

Have Bart Smith on the phone, because here's the thing, I can tell you a lot of things, but he really is breaking it down for you, okay? Okay, Bart, we're gonna, um, we are gonna get another call here. We're gonna talk to Matt. He's been holding for a long time to talk to you. Hi, Matt.

Yeah, can you hear me?

Yes. Thanks so much for holding, and thanks for calling Sex with Emily. You have a question for Bart Smith, expert on pleasing women.

Kind of like a question and commentary, um, Been dating a couple of— girlfriend, her name's Elizabeth now, for about 2 months. And, uh, we have great chemistry together in the bedroom. Um, but she recently told me that in all our experiences together that I haven't brought her to orgasm. But, you know, because our chemistry is so good, like, she's never not enjoyed our time together in the bedroom. But, um, a lot of the times when I try to, you know, incorporate some other tactics into my regimen, like, um, that, that's I think that's one of the key things when you are able to focus on a woman and do that and it's enjoyable, that can bring a woman to orgasm. Since she's not a fan of it, is there anything you could recommend that I could incorporate to make sure that she's enjoying the experience? That's a good question.

Bart, what do you think? His girlfriend, so you're saying she doesn't like it, right?

Well, it's, she never told me that she didn't like it, but I start and start to get into it, she'll just kind of like, you know, like, Just push, like, push me away a little.

Okay, Bart, what do you think? Does she really not like it, or is she just uncomfortable?

Well, it's interesting because, um, number one, oral sex is one way to help warm up a woman's soul because we're actually giving her some worshiping activity down there in her pleasure love zone. But one cool technique that you could probably try is this. Let's say she's on her back Her knees are up. You've kind of slid your legs underneath her. Your body carriage is laying on the side, kind of like if you were just lying on your side on the floor watching television or something.

I love techniques.

And your love rocket's stationed on inside her warehouse of what Cherry loves. And you're comfortably lying there on your side. You're not in a push-up position. And your right hand, because I'm assuming, let's say, you're lying on your left side. Your right hand is wonderfully just crouched right on top of her cute little cherry doorbell of the clitoris. And with your wrought iron steel inside her awesome love punch, that is giving her a good feeling and sensation of stimulating the G-spot up in that upper crest area, the little area that feels kind of riveted, you know, et cetera. But then you have the clitoral stimulation, and you're going to do this for about 30 seconds. 15 minutes.

15 minutes.

And what's gonna happen—

Matt, are you getting this?

Yeah, I am.

Okay, good.

She's just gonna relax, you know, because you're not on top of her like a big weight, like, you know, when us guys get on a girl, climb up top, etc. You're on your side, so you can actually do this for 35 minutes, bro. And before you know it, uh, the love iron of rock and roll rocket ship is just, you know, it's nice and inside her. But then with the clitoral stimulation, and you're right there, you can give her a little kiss, you can look at her, she can lean over and look at you and give you— blow you a kiss. Before you know it, in this particular stimulus physical positioning, she's beginning to shake, shiver, rattle, and roll.

I am, right now.

Exactly. And before you know it, even if you don't accomplish it the first night, her body has already lodged certain memories of, "Hmm, that was pretty good. I've never had that before." Right, this is the thing.

It's like pushing it, right, Bart? Because, Matt, you're saying she kind of pushes you away, and I think a lot of times women just aren't comfortable with it, and you're—

And don't worry about the oral sex, you know, achieving the O that way. Don't worry about it. Remember, all women are different. And look at it like a salesman to a customer. We want to please them. We want to provide excellent customer service. And, you know, I guess like the fast food restaurants, have it your way. So, honey, whatever you want, whatever makes you comfortable, whatever, it doesn't matter. And that's one of the laws of the bedroom. Ask her what she wants. Ask her, I love this law anyway, honey, how else would you like it? How else can I please you? And guys, they say, what's the benefit of my doing all this? And I say, guys, guys, let me ask you a question. How would you like to hang out with a woman for 4 hours in the buck nude nakedness?

It's true.

Oh yeah, I wanna do that. So I say, hey, give her what she wants. It's kinda like just satisfying.

It comes back, what comes around goes around. All right, we're gonna take a quick break, but stick around for more oral. We got Sherry here and Virgin. We're talking about sex. JR in Petaluma, thanks for calling.

Uh, hey, I just wanted to comment about, uh, that no technique needed with oral sex.

Yeah, what do you think?

Absolutely ridiculous.

Absolutely. We're all in agreement. Yes, because you've had some women who had less, um, technique, maybe.

Bless you.

Yeah, I used to have an old girlfriend and, you know, I loved her to death and everything, but, you know, she just— she used to, you know, try to bite and do all this other stuff. The teeth? Oh yeah.

She bit? Did you tell her— did you tell her, um— 'cause I feel like, yeah, teeth is kind of what you know now. So how long did you stay with her? Did she get better? I dated her for probably a couple months.

It wasn't anything too long, but, you know, that's not the reason why we broke up or anything.

No. You know, she didn't bite your anything off or anything?

No, no, nothing like that.

Right. Just the teeth.

I mean, you need to have technique.

Right. Well, what's your—

what would you recommend in sort of the least explicit language you could, JR, about what you really enjoy orally?

Um, just play around.

I mean, variety, you mean?

Play around with, you know, and yeah, variety.

Okay, so would you find— like, I always ask people this, like, what's the best sex? If she was like, oh, she was the best I ever had. I mean, do you really think it's more because, like, the chemistry and all the stars were aligned, or is just really like, wow, she just had good technique, like she knew what she was doing with her tongue? What do you think? When it's really good and it's bad, how does it compare, differentiate, differentiate?

I think it really sets the whole mood up for the entire thing, you know. I mean, if you can start off right, then the entire experience is good. But I mean, If something's a little awkward, you just have to, you know, sort of stop and explain, you know, don't do this, don't do that, and, you know, she gets nervous and everything, and yeah, you know.

Right. Okay. That's good. Technique is— Virgie, you're right, we all need to take one of Virgie's Play Show classes. Thank you, J.R., have a wonderful night. Thanks for calling. Thank you. Andrew in San Francisco is calling about getting oral sex from a woman with a tongue stud. Hey, Andrew in San Francisco. Hello?

Hi, I had an experience before, um, I guess, uh, getting oral from a girl with her tongue pierced, right? But, um, I would say it's not really as good as I thought it would be. Oh, personally, I, I would say kind of hurts.

Really?

Yeah, because, um, I think, I think it really, like, it depends on, like, how well the girl— I mean, she was good, but, like, I don't know, like, she thought she was doing something that was like really good, but I didn't want to stop her, so personally I would say like, I don't know, it, uh, she was doing something that wasn't really as good as it was. Right. Yeah.

She could just not have been that good though, right? It's like what you're saying, it's a whole nature-nurture thing here.

Yeah, yeah.

No.

So that was your one experience. Now did you think— okay, here, Andrew, here's my question. So you start dating this woman and she's got a piercing, like what, what, a tongue piercing. Were you like, oh, she must be good at oral sex? Like what were you thinking in your mind?

Um, I was thinking yes, down with going down.

So, and it wasn't that great, kind of painful?

Uh, it was good, but it was like she did something with her tongue piercing in particular that I don't know, she thought it was gonna be like, I don't know, something different to try out because she has her piercing, right? And it didn't work out.

Okay, well, thank you for sharing that. Well, yes, Pat, what were you gonna say? I was gonna say, did you ever tell her?

Did you just like—

Yeah, did you tell her?

No, it was, it was just kind of like it just happened. I wasn't really expecting— I mean, it was just kind of like a one-night stand. It was, uh, I was, I was living at the dorms at that time and, uh, I don't know, just one thing led to another and like that's, that's what I got.

That's why we're in the dorms. No, I get it, that's good. But maybe don't rule out all their women with piercings.

But yeah, I mean, I don't, I don't think, I don't think everyone, I mean, um, I don't know.

So, and girls in college, I just can't imagine that. I don't know, I mean, I feel like I probably thought I was good, but I think I'm a lot better now. Verge, you got to tell me, what's like the biggest mistake that men said that women make when they're performing oral sex?

There were two kind of competing things I found, and I found this more from, what would you tell women to do differently? So I didn't ask the question, what was the worst thing?

I'm just putting it negatively here. Honey, you're much more of a humanitarian here. Okay.

And so one was teeth, and that was a big thing. And the other thing was enthusiasm. A lot of men kind of conveyed that, oh my God, please just be into it, just be into it. And one guy said, I'm willing to take the mistakes as long as you're into it, you know. And I felt like it was, it was this entreaty to please love my penis because that's all I want from you.

Because, well, look, are you saying then, Virgie, that a lot of men get the sense that, oh, she's doing it but it's like a favor and she doesn't like it?

Yeah, yeah. And I think that comes from, that comes from actual dislike of the act on behalf of women. And I think it also comes from insecurity that they don't what they're doing or that they don't feel like they're doing the right thing.

So then they don't like it. But if you teach them what they're doing and the different sensitive parts and how to communicate, yeah, how to communicate, then maybe everyone's happy.

Yes, exactly.

Because it is true, like I was saying earlier, that like Amanda said, like, oh, is it true when you get married you don't, you know, you don't have oral sex anymore? That men are like, oh, I get married, never had a fellatio performed on me again, right? We gotta take these some calls here. Hey Joe in San Francisco, thanks for calling Sex with Emily.

All right, hi, how are you?

Hey, I'm good, how are you, Joe?

I'm excellent, thank you.

Good.

Okay, so you want to know, uh, what we like?

Yes, I want to know what you like when a woman is pleasing you, or a man. Felicia, it doesn't matter, it's San Francisco, yeah, whatever you want.

Yeah, well, I'm a woman for me, but that's, that's okay. Okay, uh, all right, what I like is to be teased.

In other words, I, I like, uh, a little tickle, a little nibble, a little, and then stop.

A little conversation. So it's like, wait a minute, what happened? And then come back again and tease it again. You know, I'd like to just start and stop, start and stop, start and stop, because it kind of drives me crazy. And then there's the—

women like that too, P.S.

Okay, anyway, the most pleasurable part is she just continues, and my whole body shudders right after that.

And you'd like her to continue at that point?

Continue that point even after I've ejaculated.

See, and that's a really good point, Joe, because I was always— again, we're gonna blast myths tonight like we always do. And Virgie, I was always told that like right after a man does ejaculate, that you're not supposed to touch it. Go away, run, you know, like turn on the TV. But Joe, you're saying that it actually still feels really good at that point? Oh yeah, I'm so glad you brought this up.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, so they should keep going?

Absolutely, keep it going until I just can't take it anymore.

I mean, you know, it's just, uh, That's when we're extremely sensitized. Have you heard this, Fergie? What have you heard about that?

Yeah, I mean, like you were saying, it varies from person to person. I mean, I've been with plenty of men who do not want— just like women, there are plenty of women who orgasm and, "Don't touch me! Get away!" And there are plenty of men who are still, you know, like he was saying, kind of sensitized and it's still pleasurable.

Thanks, Joe. That's a great point. I appreciate it. Have a good night. Thanks for calling Sex with Emily. Like Joe, that's a thing that comes up. That's another thing that You— again, I bring this up all the time on the show, but you know, if people are just joining us for the first time on Sex with Emily, there's a lot of messages that we learn sexually at a young age when we first start having sex that you're like, oh, men don't like this and women only like this, and they're not necessarily the case in every situation. And we don't often like update that information. And so like, I was like, oh, never touch a man after that. And Joe likes it. Thanks, Joe, for calling. Okay, we're gonna talk to Tim. Hey, Tim and Falejo.

Yeah, I think it's kind of like, you know, you kind of got to read the situation, you know, like, uh, it's— I guess it's a one-on-one performance, but like, it's still like, you know, like, like comedians or musicians, like, they have it where, you know, like, they kind of read the audience and they feed off of each other like that.

And so you're saying when a woman is performing oral sex and you got— you can— she needs to be reading your cues.

Yeah, I mean, you can kind of like, you can kind of, you know, like feel where somebody else is at, you know.

Do you feel that when you're with someone that she doesn't?

What's that?

Do you feel that some women don't— aren't reading your cues?

I think maybe sometimes they can, uh, you know, like, yeah, they're, they're not really sensing it and they might like, you know, like cross boundaries or whatever and It's just like, how do they cross boundaries? Yeah. Just like, you know, like when you're interacting with somebody else and it feels, you know, like it feels, you know, like a certain way.

Wait, Tim, I know you're trying not to say anything bad because we're regular. I'm just so it feels a certain way and they're not. Do you get it?

I get what he's saying.

Okay. Explain it. Menace from the—

what he's trying to explain is the cues Like with me, I'll make certain type of noises when it's feeling— it feels good.

Okay, like, uh, like what?

Like, um, you know, and then so they know, okay, that's okay, that feels good.

So they're gonna say the question was about the boundaries. The boundaries, yeah, the confusion.

Yeah, what was about the boundaries? That's why I didn't understand him. What kind of boundaries are they crossing?

Just like, you know, how like, you know, you can have There's like an empathic, like, aspect to it where you can feel the other person.

Yeah.

And then like you can kind of sense, you know, what's, what's working and what's not. Well, you know, like with the crowd.

Yeah.

You kind of sense what's working. Oh, that didn't feel right.

That felt right.

Got it. And so are you saying that, that, that women just need to follow that?

Yeah.

Okay.

I got it. I agree in that sometimes women, like we said earlier, and men, they're like watching a lot of porn and they're like, this is what I'm what they're supposed to do and they do this act, maybe, but it's not actually responding to your particular needs.

Yeah, it's like listening instead of waiting to talk.

Yeah. I have a hard time listening.

Cool.

No, okay, thanks, Tim. Have a great night. That's a good story. Thanks for calling Sex with Emily. I remember a caller called in earlier in the show a few months ago and he was like, I love when I'm with a girl and I put my hand on her stomach and I can tell, like, just paying attention to how she's reacting. That's good. That's what you have to do. And I remember that was, um, like there's different things that you can learn about your partner, like parts of their body to watch and like menace. What was that noise you make, menace?

Mm-hmm.

Like if your partner goes, mm-hmm. Okay, we're gonna talk to Helene. Hi. Hey, it's Emily. Um, thanks for calling. You're in San Mateo?

You might call. Oh, I'm sorry. Helene from Vallejo?

Helene.

It says San Mateo, but Uh, yeah.

Hey, Ali.

Yes, I love your show and I'm glad you took my call and this is a great subject. Thank you. I wanted to tell you that, um, I'm a little older than probably some of your listeners and it kind of took me till my 40s to kind of really get into trying new things. I used to have all these, you know, rules and then all of a sudden, um, it got, it got different and I got interested and I started studying it a little bit.

Okay.

And I learned a few tricks.

Oh, tell me your tricks. Huh? You learned some tricks?

I learned some tricks from a book I saw at Barnes Noble. It was actually written by a gay man, Man for Women.

Oh, I have that book. Okay, right.

Tried that and just blew his mind, literally. And it was about my— like you said, they want you to be into it, but I loved that idea that all of a sudden I was into it. All of a sudden, all those taboos that I had about it— I had all these, you know, ideas in my head about why I didn't like to do it, but once relaxed and I got into it, I got into the power of it and just the giving him an experience that I know in all the years we were together, I had never given him. That was very powerful.

God, Helene, this is so good because this is what you're saying that a lot of times, women just might not have the information and then, once they do it, you're like, oh, I get it. So, Helene, that book is Tips to a Straight Woman from a Gay Man. I have that book. Now, what was the tips that really helped push you over the edge and your partner over the edge?

Do you remember the tips? Well, it was some stuff from the Kama Sutra that taught me to relax my tongue.

Right, you have to.

I would approach it with so much tension that, you know, I would get the TM spacing going. And I'm sure I'm not the only one. Okay. And it was using your finger to create a ring at the base to put pressure.

Virgie's looking at me like, yes, the finger at the ring. Okay, the rim, okay.

Yeah, at the base of it and using, you know, around it and putting pressure there and then using the other hand to kind of rotate clockwise and counterclockwise. It completely changed the whole thing, you know, allowed my jaw to relax a little bit more so that I wasn't— because I felt like it's working too hard, right? And it really shouldn't be hard. It actually is incredibly—

exactly—

give that pleasure to someone else.

Okay, that is so— okay, so, Helene, so you did, then you overcame it. Like, you felt weird about it, and now you're like, you're into it because you studied it and learned how to give oral sex.

He hardly knows what to do. I don't— I think he thinks I've been taken over by the sex.

Oh, that's great. Well, people are taking this class on Tuesday nights. I think a lot of women are going to be out there feeling like you do. I'm so glad you called. This is great. Thank you.

I love the topic. I love your show. Thank you.

Thank you. Have a great night. She is my ideal— Helene is my ideal caller right now, Virgie, because this is what we're talking about tonight. We're talking about the penis. We love the penis. We're talking about fellatio. How can women feel more comfortable when they are performing oral sex on their partner? And Virgie is teaching a class. She's an expert, especially after these— all these studies she did. All these men answered these, like, intricate details. And we are going to really change the world one orgasm at a time tonight because you're going to help a lot of men are going to be happier and women. And I like what she said, that she felt bad. She read the book or just didn't feel as confident and then read the book and was like, oh, I need to relax. What are some other little tips that you can give? Like the tips that you would give— we said that a lot of the complaints are teeth, we said, and women not being that feeling, looking passionate or feeling like they're into it.

Enthusiasm, right?

Enthusiasm. Enthusiasm.

Sorry.

Enthusiasm. What's another tip that you would give to women? Like right off the bat, if a woman's like, I haven't given my husband oral— I haven't performed oral sex in 10 years. Like, what would you tell someone like that, Virgie, who has all this fear around it?

Well, for me to speak from my own perspective, and how I like to provide my partner with oral sex. And I've gotten a lot of rave, rave reviews.

Not, not to toot my own horn or anything, but you can blow your horn.

But, you know, a lot of men have complimented me not only on my enthusiasm, but what you were asking, variation. Like, I love to just go all over the place and again, listening to their responses and watching them, watching the cues.

Don't go away, we'll be right back with Dr. Sadie Allison. Top 3 tips for good oral sex. So this is for the women and men.

Well, for women and men out there, women, make your men shave the hair around the shaft. Seriously, because shave it. Yeah, who wants all that hair in your mouth? No, you can't get to it in a lot of cases. We were talking about men that weren't endowed You know, the more you shave it, the more there is, and the cleaner it is. But there are tips. You have to kind of worship it.

Okay.

So you have to worship it. Okay.

Fellatio tips.

Fellatio tips. Fellatio tips from a gay man.

Yes. Okay.

Tell me, Tim Gaskin.

Okay, so it depends if they have foreskin or they don't have foreskin. But you want to pull it back, and you want to grab the shaft, and you want to put your hand over it.

Why didn't we talk about this 2 hours ago?

That's what you need to do. But here's the thing about—

do that again. Okay, sorry.

Here's— I'll describe it with like ice cream. Vanilla ice cream after 2 mouthfuls just tastes like cold. Whatever you're doing in your fellatio technique, you got to vary it. Okay, you can't do the same thing. Okay, if you're gonna— if you're gonna go all the way down, all the way down, um, then don't go all the way down for a few strokes. Vary the intensity. Also, here's a great—

what do you mean? Okay, here's the thing. I thought that for men to actually, that there's a certain consistency that you have to have. Okay, keep going. I'm not talking anymore.

This is better. This is better if you have oral sex with a woman. If you inhale while you're there, it makes the air feel cool around the clitoris.

Inhale.

And if you blow out, it's warm. So men feel the same way when you're giving fellatio, cold air is breathing in and hot air breathing out. So you can—

I'm like really trying to focus right now.

Okay, you can vary the intensity, vary the depth of your fully accepting the man member, and use your hand over the shaft.

You always have to use the hand, right?

No, no, no, no, no, no. I would hold the butt and then just use your mouth. Then I would use your hand. And you gotta—

Menace, what do you think about these?

You know, come on, Menace, what about I'm saying do you like?

I mean, no, I'm, I'm having you teach the women, not, you know.

Yeah, definitely.

But Menace, does this sound familiar to you or enjoyable? Not from Tim.

Oh, definitely enjoyable.

So hand and intensity, and what's the, the breath Oh yeah, if you inhale while you're doing it, it's cool air.

Okay.

And if you blow out, it's warm air. It just is. It's, you know, you want to, you know, vary the experience for the person. And also, you know, by the way, men love their testicles played with. You know, use the whole area.

Some do, some don't, right? That we found last week. Yes, Justin. Yes, definitely the testicle play. Always? Like, how so? How much testicle play?

Yeah, what's the percentage?

The whole time?

You want a little licking, sucking before you get to the big shaft?

Okay, I need some more concrete because I'm having a hard time because I— Ari's gonna be my model. Think of the testicles as the breast.

Oh yeah, that's what I love to think about.

Okay, so what about the difference between using your hand and your mouth? Do you feel that You like to vary that too?

Like, you should, you should, yes. But again, it goes back to the thing about listening. You got to watch your partner. Are they responding? What do they like? What didn't they like? Just pay attention. You know, somebody might just like none of it.

Just— do you think, do you think it varies from man to man?

Of course. I said earlier, every sexual experience with a person is different. There are a few things that are, you know, are similar, but it's a different vibe with every person. You gotta bring yourself to the new person and just pay attention and communicate. And sometimes it's awkward to have verbal communication. You gotta, with your eyes, you gotta pay attention to what's happening in the room.

Right away.

Always.

The first time you're with someone.

Even when, no, no, you always, because you have to reinvent sex every time you have sex. Otherwise you're not gonna keep your partner and your partner's not gonna be engaged in pleasing you. It's symbiotic and it's paying attention, it's communication.

Have you been in a long-term anonymous relationship?

Yeah, for 12 years with a guy. And trust me, after year 7, Every Sunday I had to keep the marriage. It wasn't, you know, from year 7 to year 12, it was Sundays were like I had to white-knuckle it. It wasn't the best, but, um, you know, 12 years.

Yeah.

Wow.

Did you— okay.

Yeah. And I dated a girl for 2 years, um, and after that— no, earlier. She was 39 and I was 17. So 17 to 19, I dated a hot woman.

Really?

Yeah.

Yep.

That is interesting.

And I have sex with women in between.

Now do you?

Yeah.

I don't want to mention any names.

Sadie Allison's here to answer any sex questions we have, right?

Yeah.

But we're going to focus on, we're going to focus on men right now because we love men and we love their penis and the penis and Tickle His Pickle is an award-winning book.

It's all about pleasing the guy.

Pleasing the guy. And so we're going to get into that in a minute. And the fun toys for men, we talk a lot about toys for women and you've got I've got some self-pleasurerizers for the guys. Okay, so people can, they can, they can, uh, ask you anything tonight?

They can ask me anything.

Okay, tell me, how did you get into the, um, sex business? What's your—

I kind of felt I fell into it, um, because it was a hobby of mine to give advice. All through high school and college, I was called the Little Dr. Ruth, and I taught my girlfriends how to orgasm.

You did?

Over and over by telling them just some basic things like, this is what the clitoris is about, this is how it works, Here's some lube, here's how you can touch it, go home and try all this. And so time after time, I changed all my friends' lives and they were like, wow, it worked, it worked. And I said, you know, I should just write a, write a little pamphlet and give it away for fun. And who knows, maybe it'll grow into something, but I want to help more women. And so that idea evolved. 3 years later, I came out with Tickle Your Fancy.

Okay. And now that's like the men's, the playbook for the other team. We're going to talk about that too.

Yeah. Tickle Your Fancy, a woman's guide to sexual self-pleasure. So it's for— it's an empowerment book for women that teaches them it's okay to touch yourself. You know, women who grew up thinking it's wrong and it's bad and, you know, it's a taboo, that's all done and past. We're in the new millennium now and it's, it's okay and it's part of our natural birthright. We're born with the parts. It's pleasure. It's okay to touch yourself and it shows you how to do it.

I read it. I actually, I masturbated twice today. I read your book today. I did. Well, I was preparing for the show. I know. I don't need to share that information. Never. That's the most— well, because that's—

I should get the sign of a good book because it was new tips.

And I like that they're so—

oh, you're trying it out?

Well, I— because of Sadie's book, it's because of me that she was messing with me. I was prepping for the show. I read Tickle His Pickle. I didn't have a chance to practice tickle his pickle yet because I didn't have a pickle around.

And he'll be happy when she does.

But Tickle Your Fancy, I was like, oh, there's some really good ideas. It's like pocket-sized book, so it fits right in the purse. Everyone should read this book because I— okay, so you were the Dr. Ruth because I had friends— I didn't have the easiest time in the world having orgasms either in college, and I had friends like you that would kind of send me articles.

There's always that girl in the clique that talks about sex out loud.

You were that one.

I was the one. I was uninhibited. I wasn't shy. I was sexually explorative. I didn't have boyfriends much, so that led me into this. You did?

Why? You're a beautiful, smart woman.

Oh, thank you.

You didn't have boyfriends?

I always— I just was going for the wrong kind, you know, looking for love in all the wrong places.

Maybe not boyfriends that you like, seriously, something like that. And you live in the Bay Area as well?

Yeah, yeah, San Francisco native.

And you've been on a million television shows and books, and you've written books, and you've been on radio shows. Thank you for joining us.

I get out there.

I want to start with, um, I love this, Tickle His Pickle. Okay, I can't say that enough. Your hands-on guide to penis pleasing. So why do you think that women need a book like this?

Well, because we're never really taught how to have good sex. When you go to school, you know, high school, college, you learn about birth control and STDs and maybe a little bit about the anatomy, but they don't teach you how to have an orgasm, how to give pleasure to a partner, how to receive pleasure and feel comfortable being naked, and just a lot of the common issues. And no one ever addresses that, and your parents certainly aren't teaching you, right? And, you know, your friends might be giving you tips, and the guys don't know what they're doing. They're fumbling in the dark. So where do you ever really learn how to give pleasure to where someone can really enjoy it? And also, everybody's so different. What works on one woman or man won't work on the next.

Exactly.

So you really have to be coached.

You never run out of examples here in Tickling Spaghetti. There's like, I've never done that.

And I know, and there's a ton more that didn't even make it in this book.

This is what I— okay, so I understand that too because I think, and I've talked about this before, is that we do, we all get set in our ways. We're like, I do the same thing, you know, this every time I maybe touch a penis or am near one, I might do the same thing over and over again and men the same thing, but you got to mix it up. And there's actually, what I like is the manual stimulation part in here.

Using your hands.

Women using their hands. She's got like diagrams, like 8 different kinds of, of just the grip alone, just the grip, the sausage wrap, the upside down. I was like grabbing my— I was like, okay, wait, the sausage wrap and the— what are some other ones in here that I like? The basic grips, the old faithful, the twister, the pumper, the cigar roller, pleasure tunnel. I like this.

They all—

they love this.

So how did you know though what men liked? How did you know?

Well, a lot of it's based on personal experience. I practice what I preach. So I'm like I said, I was single for a long time and I got to explore and was uninhibited so that allowed me to learn a lot. And then I also do a lot of research. I mean, I talk to hundreds and thousands of people throughout the years, and I do surveys, and I give seminars, so I get a lot of feedback from people. So I'm really hands-on, if you will.

Hands-on, that's good. I mean, I want to know, okay, so what are the— what do you think the biggest complaints that men have about women when they're tickling?

When they're tickling his pickle?

Yeah. What do they do? What do— how do women— how do we mess up?

Okay, well, number one, the most important thing over everything and over any technique that men really want the woman to have is enthusiasm. Believe it or not, guys would much rather have a woman who's not so great at it but is really into it, doing it, than a woman who can knock it out in 2 minutes flat, but she's just like, you know, doing the deed, you know, and then finished. That's not as fun as someone who's really into it. So they want you to—

How can they tell if you're into it?

You got to express yourself.

Oh, okay.

You read Tickle His Pickle and you learn all my tricks, but just off the top of my head, I can tell you that they like to hear sounds. Men love hearing things and men love visual things. So just right off the bat, you want to make those little noises, you know, the sucking sounds and the spit and the little mmms and aahs and all that little stuff. And you want to position your body in ways where he can look at you and get off on that, because men are visual. So maybe if you're on your hands and knees You can lift your butt up and kind of like show parts of your bodies that you think is more attractive and kind of flaunt yourself and let him see your curves, because women are beautiful with our curves. So all of these things together, along with what he's feeling, really enhances it and makes it a really good experience.

Do you think that some women then don't? They're more covered up, or they're like, oh, I don't want him to see me.

Oh yeah, they won't even, they won't even turn on the lights. There's so many people still that like to do it in the dark because they're so shy and insecure about their bodies, or, you know, it's very, they're not sure if they're doing it right. Right? So just the whole thing is frightening to begin with. So it's really good to get some—

show your body, make noises. Okay, so what else? What are some other of the main tips that women— how do we mess up? No teeth. No, I know that.

Although, no, some guys like teeth.

They do.

Oh yes, that's, that's the one cool thing about, about sex is that there's never a nobody likes this type of thing. There's always going to be someone that likes this and someone that doesn't. So it's all about finding out what your partner really Okay, I know guys that like teeth.

It's—

yeah, how do you figure that out? Well, you gotta talk. That's, that's the other thing that, that you got to do is you have to communicate. You can learn by kind of their reactions, and you can kind of guess. It looks like he likes that, I think he's getting— but if you just ask, or, hey baby, does this feel good? Or, do you like it when I do this? Or do you like when I do this? And try to, you know, and you think most men are honest enough They'll say, yeah, I like it, even if they don't, just to be polite. I think that if you exude that energy that you really want to know and you're trying—

Listen to this, she just goes, do you think they like it? They just lie and go, yes, honey.

Especially if you're enthusiastic, they don't want to burst your bubble, right? Well, there could be those guys that don't want to hurt your feelings, but I think most guys, if they see that you genuinely want to know and you want to care and it's all about what's going to feel best for you, oh, they'll jump right on and tell you what they want.

Dr. Sadie Allison. I'm Dr. Emily. Find me Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 PM Pacific on SiriusXM Stars for even more sex talk, calls, and interviews. Also, follow me on social media. I'm @sexwithemily on Instagram and Twitter, where I'm always posting the best tips and tricks to help improve your sex life.