Penises, Pleasure & Pillow Talk

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Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. Hello, everyone. You can find out more about the podcast@sexwithemily.com and you can listen to our podcast. Wherever you are listening to podcasts, we are there. You can find us on all social media. It's sexwithemily across the board. And if you haven't heard, this has been pretty amazing this month, you guys. You can check me out on Sirius XM radio channel stars 109 Monday through Friday, 5 to 7pm Pacific standard. And oh, my gosh, it is a dream come true. Having such a good time. I get to reach out to so many more of you, talking to you, calling in with your questions, helping out with your sex and relationships. So you guys have to check it out. If you don't have SiriusXM, go to sexwithemily.com sxm and we've got a trial offer for you. How about that? You guys try it out for 30 days. I think you're gonna love it. Okay. I'm here with my deputy, Jamie.

Hello there.

Hi, Jame dog. What's up?

Nothing much. How was your weekend?

It was, I have to say it was interesting because I've been going to a lot more comedy shows lately. You know, my boyfriend happens to be a comedian, my guy and actually went to one without him. But what's been funny is I realized that I'm loving comedy. I always thought, like, who doesn't love a comedy show? But when you start dating one. We were going all the time this year and I've just learned to love it. It's seriously like therapy when you laugh that hard. It's kind of like having an orgasm in public, but like with your friends. And it's totally PC because you literally, like, your stomach hurts, it's uncontrollable. You, you're laughing, you're, you know, it feels so good and it's not so easy to laugh that hard. So I had a really good time. Here's the thing with comics. I've noticed this shift. I've noticed this shift and it was really, you know, a great show. A lot of talented comedians who've been around for a while. But it was interesting to watch the audience, Jamie, because, you know, they have their standard jokes. So now how I know it works with comedians, they don't really know exactly what sets they're going to do when they get up there. Like maybe they got jokes from 10 years ago and then they have new ones and they kind of see where it flows the problem is, a few times it's happened that there was one comedian who made a joke about something about women. Or like, look for the fat chicks at the. At the bar. Like, no, no. He said, look for the drunk chicks at the end of the night. And that's how you know who you can go home with. And it was really. You realize in this age of MeToo that it was really inappropriate. Like, there was like, eye rolling, like, just from the women. Men were still laughing. The women, our eyes were like, darting, like, oh, my God, no, no, we can't talk like that anymore. It was just interesting to realize that, like, it's just not cool now. Like, you really. It's not okay. And that it made me realize that this whole me too thing, it's not just a flash in the pan, that it's truly a movement. It's uncomfortable. And I. I really think that we're gonna start seeing a change. It was just great to see that in that room. Realizing, like, I might have laughed at some of these jokes a year and a. But not anymore.

Yeah, it's kind of like, I guess jokes don't age well. Just like some of those, like, 80s movies didn't really age well.

Right. Like, 80s movies with everyone has like a date rape scene or something that we sort of laugh at. Like Sixteen Candles and Porkies and Animal House and. Yeah, we were sort of grown out. You realize that that was part of our culture. If it's in the movies and it's everywhere, that's. It was accepted until now. So, yeah, they would not fly, which is kind of shame because I love those movies. But it's good. It just makes people, you know, we're just at a different time. It's dated that movies dated for many reasons. All those movies are dated for many reasons now. And. And then I went to another comedy show randomly.

So many comedy shows.

So many comedy shows. Well, one was for, like, it was a fundraising comedy show. There's a totally separate one. It was like two nights later. And then the same thing happened. It was another joke about something about fat chicks. That's what it was. And I was the same thing. But people booed him. He got booed. The community got booed.

I kind of like that he got booed.

He got booed. And he was like, what, you guys don't like me? It's like, no, we just don't like you being misogynistic, that's all. That's what we don't like. The misogyny. Not so great. Your Comedy, your grades. Really hard to sit up and stand up and be a comedian. But, you know, I don't know, just. It was another example of the changing times right now.

That's really interesting.

I don't.

I hope we continue to see that shift, though.

I think we will. I don't think there's ever going back. And, you know, it's funny, I was talking to someone else the other day, and they were saying, you know, now that we're on, like, on movie sets and everything, I think it was an actress. I heard her being interviewed, and she was. Was saying that, you know, now when you go on set, you get. If you've ever been on a set, you get like, the call list of, like, here's the producer's name, wardrobe, everyone. You can call the call sheet. And it said human resources at the bottom. So now, like, that never used to be included. So if you're feeling uncomfortable, something's happened on the set. Here's our direct line to human resources. So it feels like everyone's sort of stepping up and realizing that they have to put policies and procedures in place so it can't happen again. So I'm uplifted about this.

Good.

Yeah. Okay, so let's get into sex and the news. I say it's time for. To talk about penises.

Great subject.

I think so, too. Who doesn't love some penis talk? So how does circumcision really affect your sex life? So here's some facts. There's a lot of guys, this movie has been going on for a while, and they. They're speaking out against what they see as a cruel and barbaric practice. And the question is, how does it really affect your sex life? Okay, so circumcision has been around for, you know, a long time. So here's some facts on circumcision. So 75% of men in the United States are circumcised, but 75% of men everywhere else in the world are not. So we, you know, in America, that's become, you know, what we do. And pretty much it's because of religious reasons. We think it's more sanitary. It's kind of what everyone else is doing. We're afraid. Afraid that our kid's gonna, you know, look like a freak in the locker room or worse yet, won't look like daddy. I think that people are starting to challenge it, though, and they're starting to think about, like, is this really a necessary practice? People are now starting to say, wait a minute. You have a choice. If you give birth to a baby boy, you're in the hospital, you can choose. It doesn't have to happen. You don't have to be so reactive about it.

Are there even, like, any really health benefits to it at all?

Yeah, like, they're less. Like, they say you're less likely to get STIs or UTIs, or penile cancer. Penile. It's a good word. Penile cancer. You know, infections. But there's a credibly low percentage. They also say that your partners are going to prefer it. So I believe that a lot of these reasons why we are saying it's beneficial aren't necessarily true.

So just preference, really.

It's really preference. And a lot of these myths, like, it's not that it's more sanitary. The reason why people are really against it is because they're saying it's not really needed and it's painful. You can have complications, you know, and then they're saying, like, actually you'll. You'll have more pleasurable, enjoyable sex if you don't chop off the foreskin. But there's really no way to know. Yeah.

How would you know?

You can't have two men, a circumcised, uncircumcised. Who has the best orgasm? Raise your hand. Or like, how do we measure it? 1 to 10? So what I'm saying is, you know, basically this made me realize, like, if you are circumcised, like, no need to mourn your foreskin, and if you're uncircumcised, you're totally fine. You're obviously not a freak at all. And don't think you need to go get circumcised. You might be glad you have some extra skin here. And really all penises are cool in my book, and they should be in your book as well. But I just thought that maybe it's really for parents or giving birth. Think about. Just think about it. Think about it. If you have a boy, maybe you don't need to chop it off. Right. Yet. Let them decide. Is what a lot of them say is if they want to get circumcised when they're older, they can do that. So.

Oh, like, that'll be an interesting. Like an older person's bris.

Yeah, Come on. I'm chopping off the foreskin. We'll have wine, cheese, maybe some lox and bagels. Yeah. Okay. So that's what I'm thinking about penis today. And here's my thoughts on workplace affairs, because apparently they are on the rise, according to the news, they're reporting here that they've been on the rise since the 90s, that women have reported 40% more workplace affairs, which makes sense. There's more women in the workplace. We spend so much more time at the office. And it would make sense that, you know, maybe we're crossing the line. We really are crossing the line. Because I think, I don't know, it sounds like we spend more time with our co workers than we do at home. I certainly see you more than my guy.

That is very true.

And I love it. I mean, we're in like a mad affair of love and respect, Jamie. But I could see you're in a bigger office. You have to be there every day. That it, you know, the lines can get blurred.

Yeah, we're in a unique situation where there's only three of us here. And it would be right.

Unless someone runs off with a UPS guy. Like, we're cool delivering sex toys. I wonder if they know that they're delivering. I'd be like, guess what's in the box today? So I think the thing here is just that, you know, it's that people could just kind of take a look if you're going, hmm, I do love my work husband or my work wife, as they call it. I always think that sounds kind of silly, but it makes sense because you've got your partner, you got your person at work. But I think just check in. If this is resonating with you, you might be crossing the line. So if you're spending more quality time with your co worker or that work husband or wife than your spouse, and you're feeling more gratification and more satisfied than the time you know with them than you're spending with your partner. Something to look at. And if you also feel like, here's another thing, Jamie, if you feel like, God, I'm really feeling something for this person at work, I'm not gonna tell my partner about it. My committed partner at home. And you're hiding it. You might be overcompensating because there are some emotions. If you're spending more time away from work with coworkers. And the interesting thing to look at is whether you're having an affair in the workplace or an affair anywhere else, or you're thinking about having an affair, I always say, stop for a moment. It makes sense. I mean, affairs, it's so seductive to meet a person that seems to check all the boxes that your partner have left blank. So, for example, you're pissed because your partner Seems lazy. They've gained 20 pounds, not going to the gym. They don't make you laugh anymore. You're not inspired. And here's this jovial guy at work who runs six miles before work. He makes you laugh. He's always got interesting ideas, makes your brain fire, and all these ways that your partner isn't. And we're thinking that all those things because we feel like we've been lacking them, we're going to get attracted to someone else. And I say if you realize that's happening, that that's the time when you stop. Unless you're really done with your relationship and you're ready to leave them, an affair will do. It's going to cause you a lot more trouble than that quick fix of hooking up with someone at work, that you turn that energy back towards your relationship and say, how can I get these needs met in my relationship? So that's important to take a look at it before you jump, before you cheat. I'm a reform cheater. I can tell you I didn't have these skills in my 20s. I was cheating.

You know, So I think that it was often because I didn't have the skills that we now have that I'm teaching everyone here on the, you know, on the show is that I didn't know why things were wrong or why I was uncomfortable, that, oh, yeah, guess what? After six months, in most relationships, you're gonna have problems. But I would just think it's not fun anymore, and here's a shiny new thing. And it just. I probably could have gone back and worked on a lot of relationships rather than just gone out and that instinct had some kicks. Yeah.

So what do you do, though? Because usually I would assume this flirtation is like a mutual flirtation. So what do you do if you're trying to pull back?

I think if you're trying to go back, just be honest. You can just let them know, God, I really love spending time with you, but I feel like I gotta focus more on work and more on my partner. You can spend. You could choose not to say yes to the company drinks after work or to do an extra lunch with them, you know, and then just think about this. How would you feel if your spouse was doing the same thing? Like, what if they were at their office having these. This emotional affair and this intimacy with someone else. So I just think you just reinvest your energy in your relationship and into your marriage. And if you put that energy towards fixing the challenge in your relationship and away from that co Worker, it'll just, it'll diminish that energy between the co worker and you know you're doing the right thing by taking care of your relationship. Because here's the thing, I'm not saying all relationships are long for this world, like if you get to decide if it doesn't work. But my, my take on this is before you end a relationship, before you go shattering people's lives by having an affair, why not know that you've done everything you have done to save it? Did you go to therapy? Did you talk honestly and openly about what's really bothering you? Cause you got nothing to lose. So if you know, God, we've been trying and trying to hammer this down and nothing's happened, nothing's change, well, then it's might be time to break up with your partner. But if you haven't done any of those things and you're just using this new shiny object, this new person that's making you feel pitter pat in your heart that you haven't felt in years, and that's the decision, you're gonna know that that's a quick, that's fleeting. It's not a sustainable feeling in any relationship. And then just to, you know, be weary of that, be aware and put it all back towards your relationship and try to work on it. Those are sex, the news, you guys, your penis is fine. And pay attention to what you're doing at work. Be a good partner, be a good citizen, and be honest most of all. Okay, let's move in to callers. I love it. I love a call show. I love a good call show. Thanks for supporting our sponsors and we'll be right back.

We are back. And now I'm going to talk to you. God, I love when we have these calls. I get to really get intimate and hear what's going on in your life. I love answering your questions. If you want a question answered on the show, you go to my website, sexwithemily.com Click the Ask Emily tab, fill out the short form and put yes if you'd like to be called. Or just email feedbackexwithamily.com always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Thanks, guys. All right, we've got Preston, 21, from Ohio, and he wants to know about spicing things up in his relationship. Hey, Preston.

Hey, Emily. How are you doing?

I'm so good. Tell me what's going on with you.

Okay, so my girlfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. We are madly in love and I'm so attracted to her. Our sex life is great when she's home for the summer, but our issue is she goes to college and I only get to see her about every other weekend. And being in a dorm room space is kind of an issue. Those beds are smaller.

Yeah, I remember that. Okay, so you want to know about what to do on those weekends when we're to find more space, right?

So like some positions or something else we can try because we're very open minded and try all kinds of new things. Like I've recently gotten myself a cock ring and we've gotten one of the Ineros products that you talk about as well.

Oh, how was that?

Did you try it?

Not yet. I've kind of been a little nervous about it and I didn't know how to go about it because we tried playing around with my fingers and stuff and that didn't go so great, but.

Oh, you tried playing around with what kind of stuff?

Just like, like her fingers and things like that.

Right, right, yeah. You gotta go slow. I mean, I love that you got the narrows. It is, can be a little bit more, you know, time. You can't just take care, take it out of the box and start. But I think just kind of going slow, using lots of lube, breathing and like really just moving it in slowly. I think I can see why it's something, you know, you might want to be a little intimidated at first. But I think you guys could, you know, do it together and you will like it. So just go slow and that's cool. So that's cool. You guys rock cock rings and prostate toys and you want to know about positions and things to do that are different in college because you had dorms. God, I remember this. So I mean, different positions I would think would be. Have you guys tried, I don't know what have you. Mostly it's probably like missionary or doggy style.

Yeah, a lot, A lot of missionary, a little bit of doggy style. She's on the bottom bump. So there's also a height issue. Roommates are very cool. Occasionally let us use like their bed if we change the sheets and wash them and everything. But that's just a lot of hassle. So we try not to do that so often.

Oh my God, it's gonna be cold there soon. So you can't even like really do it outside. Wow. I think. How about like when you use. Are people not really in the room usually when you're having sex though, like.

No, there's no one in there. They're very supportive. So they leave and give us our time alone. Cause they know we don't see each other too often.

What if you guys, like, set up like a little like on the floor, like get out of the bunk bed. And I know they're dorm rooms and they're small, but could you put down some blankets and pillows and kind of have some floor sex so you kind of have more space to work with?

That could probably work. We might be able to take her little mattress off her bed and probably do that.

Yeah, take the mattress off the bed. You could? Yeah. Like, use pillows. They're great for props. Like if you haven't experienced. Experimented with this yet. Like if she's on the bottom, like putting a pillow underneath her pelvic. Her pelvic area, her pelvis area, her back actually would lift her up and makes her pelvic more. Her pelvic. Her pelvic area more tilted towards you. Sometimes it can feel better for women. I like the idea of you can also use the edge of the bed, like in doggy style. Like if she's leaning over the bed and then you're leaning on top of her.

I think that you can try different, like, fun things like going to the bar and like role playing. Like if you guys ever do like the. Or going somewhere like on campus where you like kind of like the sexy stranger or getting dressed up and trying, like different things that you both find sexy. Recreating each other's fantasies. Like if you guys come up with like, things that you each want to try, then every time you meet, it could be like a different, like sexy date night scenario. Like, keep reading things. I have a book that actually I wrote years ago called Hot sex. It's on Amazon and it's a great book because you has. It's called over 200 things you want you can try tonight. And I love it because you could just open to any page and it's pretty much. It's an illustrated book, but it will give you, like, cool. Different things that you could try that you might not have thought about.

So yeah, we actually did order that book. It hasn't come in yet, but.

Oh, you did. Awesome.

We. We heard. We just looked up sex podcast one day. I drive for work basically, and he rides with me in the summertime. We listen to you a lot. Oh, good products out there. So we looked up and found that book and ordered it. So we'll be trying to pretty soon. Hopefully.

Yeah. Hopefully. Yeah. They might have been back ordered but that's cool. Well, thank you. I'm so glad you guys listened together. And it sounds like you're doing all the right things here. I mean, there might be people where you could even, like, house sit or dog sit in the area. Like, I know, like on Craigslist, you could say, like, looking for college. They might have, like, college student to come watch our house or to come. And you could kind of probably try to figure out a way to stay other people's places. But I think that if you put the. You kind of use the dorm room as like, a different. Like, have sex different places in the dorm room or use the bed differently, that could kind of help spice things up.

Oh, yeah, that would be nice. Staying out of people's houses. Kind of like a cheaper version of vacation.

Exactly. Right. And people are always liking people to, like, walk our dogs or stay in our place or can you just, like, feed our cats, you know? So there might. It is. It's like a vacation sex and even. Yeah, yeah. Mixing up your location would be so great for you guys. But even just playing around in the dorm room could work too. Yeah, yeah. What else could you guys do? They could do? We were just talking about the sex swing earlier. There's a sex swing. You can put it outside of her door. Sportsheats makes it. It's called the door jamb sex swing that you could, like, use it on the door. I'm just trying to think of what else. I'm looking at my sex closet here. What else could they do? Have you guys done, like, handcuffs or blindfolds or.

Yeah, gotten into that. That's a lot of fun.

You've done that?

Yeah, the handcuffs and the blindfolds. And I've actually made some homemade restraints that I tied rope to the feet of my bed. And so we can do a lot, you know, when. When she's home for the summer. But, you know, that's only for three months out of the year.

Right, right, right. No, it sounds like you guys are awesome. I love your sex life. I love what you guys are doing. I think you're having so much fun. So I think just getting creative with the space and just bring your pillows. If she visits you, like, or you go visit her. Bring all your pillows from your bed. Right. Bring all your blankets and pillows. Make it this cozy, like, love den.

Oh, yeah. That sounds like a good idea.

Cool. I like that.

Whenever we get a lot of ideas from your show and a lot of times after we listen to your show after work and no one's home. I get lucky because it kind of turns us both on.

That's great. I love this. See, I always tell couples. I'm like, so many couples, like, email me. Like, we listened to 10 hours in the car driving cross country or whatever. Like, I think it is cool, right? You're like, it turns you on. Like, let's try this.

Thank you. The very first that are on too. So we listen to all the old ones too, even.

Wow. How are those? I was gonna go do back. Go back and do that one day too. Yeah, right. Lots of sex tips there. That's cool. Thank you. I hope you tell your friends about it too. Everyone needs a little sex help, right? But you guys are on a good track. I like what you guys are doing, and I like how you're thinking.

Oh, yeah, we've both been opened up a lot by your show and just, you know, hey, let's try this.

Okay.

You know, she's definitely opened me new things, and it's a lot of fun. I'm really glad you did.

Oh, I'm so glad this is the time to do it. I love that you're 21 years old. Is she the same age?

She's 18. 19.

19. Got it. Okay. No, this is great. Sounds like you guys have really good communication. You're having fun, so keep doing that. Keep on this path. This is great. I'm so glad, Preston, I'm so glad you found the show and it's really working. That makes me feel so good. I'm like, this is why I exist on the planet. So thank you for sharing your story.

Absolutely. Thanks for all your help. You're doing great work.

Of course. Thank you. Thank you so much. So are you.

Keep doing it. Okay. Bye, Preston. Have a great night. Thank you. Okay, you guys, I love this guy. They're in college and they're like, how do we make it more interesting? He has tried cock rings, firebird dildos, light bondage, butt stuff. He brought in an arrows toy. Like, he wants to know what else? And he's 21, you guys. So I think this call is an inspiration for a lot of people. If you haven't tried out all this stuff yet, there's always more things to do and switching up locations sometimes. Just if you always have sex in your bedroom and you have sex in your living room, I promise, it might sound silly, but just like that 10ft could make a huge difference and add that little variety that you need in your sex life. All right, we have Melissa, 28, from Oregon, and she wants to Know, how does she get her boyfriend interested in foreplay? I love this question. Hi, Melissa. How do we do this? Hi. So tell me what's going on. Thanks for calling.

So.

Thank you. So my boyfriend and I went a little bit slower, starting to get into sex when we first started dating. And in that time, we were pretty much only doing foreplay or oral sex. And then after we started to have sex, we pretty much stopped with the foreplay.

Okay. Oh, okay. My.

Yeah. So my boyfriend comes from a pretty religious background where you're not supposed to have sex in general.

Right.

Or talk about it. And so when we did start to have sex, it became a. Why do we need foreplay, oral sex? Now we can just have sex. So.

Oh, he just doesn't get it. I understand. He doesn't understand that foreplay is not just a light suggestion, congestion. It's actually a requirement that women require foreplay to be turned on for penetration. Right. So it's really just a matter of understanding the science of sex and actually how it all works, how arousal works. And so. And I understand his religious background and all that. And have you tried to talk to him about it?

Yes, we've had multiple conversations about it. And it just seems to be like, when he gets in the moment, it's like we forget. And I have to kind of stop everything and kind of almost leave that spark a little bit and remind him.

In order to go from there. There have been a few times when I didn't remind him, and I was just kind of like, okay, let's just do this. And I was too dry. And that actually got him to stop and think about it a little bit more.

Right.

And open up the conversation a bit.

Good. Okay. So these all sounds like he's getting there. Right. So it's just a little bit more talking. Talking outside the bedroom. Like, if you guys have a date this weekend, like, going out at night and being like, let's talk about it, you know, baby, like, I want you to understand, like, if he understands more, that it's not just like, you're failing me, you're not doing foreplay, you're doing this. You could explain to him again, because sometimes when we learn something new, like anytime we learn a new anything or new practice, like it, you gotta talk about it several times. So maybe there's another way you could appeal to and just, you know, that he would understand it more. And maybe it's even explaining what foreplay specifically you require. Cause sometimes just saying, like, foreplay, he might not get what that means. Exactly. Or, like, how much kissing or how often. How long do you want me to touch your breasts or go down in your. You know, he might need to know. You could even say to him, you know, and again, we want to keep this conversation light and fun and ask him questions, too, what he would like. But like, God, babe, I think about you coming home and, like, we come in and we make out for a while. We have dinner, whatever your fantasy is or whatever the perfect evening is. And you slowly undress me and we make out for a while. And then you go down to me and we're kissing, and then I'm getting really wet and really turned on. And then this happens. Maybe he needs you to walk him through it rather than just stating it. You know what I mean? Like, a little more story and texture around it. And that why is because that allows you to really be more connected to him and have more pleasure and orgasms. That makes you want to even please him more. But when you don't have that, like, men and women get turned on very differently. Right. So that's the other thing you have to understand is, like, men assume until they learn otherwise that they're turned on, that women are, too. And I used to think that, too. I was like, what? I used to think something is wrong with me because I wasn't turned on every time my partner had an erection. So I didn't get it. Like, we're not taught this stuff, so this might be the first time he's actually hearing it. And so letting him know that, like, women are slow cookers, men are frying pans, like, you need to warm up, you know, so.

Right.

Yep. And I was just, like, thinking about trying to think of other ways to kind of make foreplay fun because he's not really into, like, sex toys or whipped cream or, you know, anything that traditionally people will talk about. So trying to find other ways. I've kind of made a joke of, like, we have boob time and then we have other, you know, time, but trying to think of other ways.

Well, is he not into it because of his religious background? Did he ever try and didn't like it?

No.

Okay.

I think. I think he just isn't, like, it wasn't a part of what he thought people did. So even, like, for him, he doesn't even enjoy oral sex that much. To him, he's like, well, let's just get on with the good stuff.

Right. Well, he doesn't realize that there's good stuff. So it sounds like he has some learning or Unlearning to do from his upbringing. So it sounds like it's rigid and maybe he hasn't had a lot of partners before you.

No.

Okay, so it sounds like you're, like, opening up a whole childhood and, like, going to church every day and learning, like, sex is only, you know, masturbations. You know, you could go blind or whatever. Like, you should only have sex, you know, for procreation. I mean, I'm telling you, if you grew up, these are really hard messages to unwind, to deprogram from our brains. And so I don't know if on your own you're going to be able to do that. And so if this is something he. Unless he's. Is he very still. Very. A religious man still. Is he still going to church every week? Is this something that he still upholds in his life?

No, these are just familial values or things that he has just heard his whole life.

Right.

Nothing.

He practices currently, so I think it's.

Just a matter of, like, teaching him more. I mean, I could tell you that some other foreplay things could be, you know, taking turns, like using blindfolds, like, just slowing down, trying to do everything but penetration. I love sensual massage. You guys could take, like, a central massage course. There's a lot of other different things that you could do that don't involve toys and whipped cream. Although I do think that he might like it more. I think for many men who think they don't like it, they actually do and they've just never tried it. So I'm not. You should never just go and buy a toy without him, I think, and show up with it. That might upset him. But maybe together you could start just information gathering. You could listen to the podcast together. You could go to a local sex store. You could watch. Read erotica, watch some porn. Like, bring. If he's into that, bring something that turned you on. And so he kind of just. It sounds like it's a re. Education or a new education for him. And so.

Right.

Hopefully he'll open up more. The more he realizes that you're gonna have more pleasure, and then he'll have more pleasure because of that. So. And just because he says no to things, I think that you shouldn't take that as like a definite no. Meaning it's because he hasn't experienced yet, so maybe like giving him more information about it, reading articles, however he learns. So I think that he just. Yeah, it's just not a lot of experience and the wrong information. That's not no longer serving him. That probably isn't correct for where he's at. Right? Yeah. Use a lot of lube, too. I hope you're using lube, like, just always have lube by your bed, because you. It could be even really turned on and not wet, just so you know that. So I think it's great to just always use lube with hand jobs, with oral, with masturbation, everything.

Right. Okay. And I. We have started to introduce that. Like, I've gotten that part at least through. So it used to start very. Like, we don't need anything, and at least we're progressing.

Good.

But that's about as far as I've gotten him.

Great. Lube is a good gateway. No, but that's. It's gonna take some time. But he's coming around, so I think that's great. Just keep going with him. You know, he wants to be with you, and you guys want to, you know, make sweet love, have a great relationship. So just keep talking to being honest.

Okay.

About your need. Okay. Thanks, Melissa. Good luck to you. Have a great night. Thanks for calling. Bye. Yeah, you guys, you have to realize that we all come into relationships and into being sexual beings with some pretty. With some learning or some preconceived notions about what sex should be or what we think it should be, or what our parents said or religion. And a lot of times there's some, like, relearning or just learning for the first time. And we think a lot of us didn't have great sex education. So I think that just understanding and coming into any new relationship with an open mind. And if you have these thoughts like, this isn't right or moral, that I'm gonna tell you that most things are pretty much okay. If you're using protection and you're with someone that you feel comfortable with, and you're being honest and open, like, most of the things that you're fantasizing about are probably gonna be okay and experimenting with your partner and all these things. So I think that if you have these voices that are telling you you're wrong, you're immoral, you're gonna go to hell, I think that it's time to kind of take a look at those, see if those thoughts still serve you or those messages still serve you, and it's okay to kind of create your own sexual roadmap that works for you. Okay, we have Nikita. She's 22, Massachusetts, and wants a date organically. No hookups. How does she meet these people and make deeper connections? Hey, Nikita. Hey, Emily. How are you? I'm so good. Happy to be talking to you. So tell me what's going on?

So my problem is I'm out of.

And I just don't know how to meet people now. Like, everybody says, like, the bar or maybe the club, but I feel like everybody there is just interested in hooking up.

Right. Okay. Yeah.

So I just, I don't know, how.

Am I supposed to, like, how am I supposed to meet people?

Like, where do I go to meet people?

Right. Well, that's such a good question. Like, in real life, like, how does it happen these days? And I get it. Like, drinking, going to the bars, the parties is not for everybody. But here's the good news, is that you actually, once you get this in your mindset that, like, you can meet people anywhere. Like, I don't know what your morning routine is. Like, it could be at the gym or when you're walking to Starbucks or in your, you know, outside your. Your building where you live. Like, there are single people everywhere, right? And it's just a matter of truly, like, talking to people. Like saying hello, where you would, like, practice talking to guys. Like, just practice. I mean, you date men, right? You did say this. Men, right? Yes. Okay. So practice just talking to guys that you're not even. Even if you're attracted to or not. And just realize that, like, it, a lot of it is about connection. So just getting comfortable talking to people, striking up conversation. So that's one thing. Like, just knowing that they're actually everywhere. And like in Massachusetts and you're in college, like, there's so many single people there, right? So there's a ton. So I think it was a two year relationship. It might take you a little longer than a few months, but I would start trying to go in. So that's just. So I would say go easy on yourself. There's like, no pressure right now because I think it's actually good that you just want to meet interesting people. So the other tip from that is just like, look at the whole world as, like, an open place for you to meet people. But also it helps to, like, do things that you like outside of school. Like if you take some classes or you like, working out or go to a gym or if there's some volunteer, you know, organization you want to work for on campus, like, that's where you're going to meet people. And when you're actually in your element is when you're doing something that you love or you're learning something new. So I think the more you can get out of your comfort zone. Like, I don't know if you have, like, your same few friends you always hang out with or your same routine every day, but the more we, like, add one thing in, you'll start to realize that you'll meet more people. Like, your world will open up, like, even if it's not a lover, right away. But I always think that expanding your horizons, especially in college, and that would really help. And then also, finally, is letting all your friends, people you work with, like, letting them know that you're single. Like, hey, do you have anyone? Because I'm single, so. So that's also another great way to meet people. So you don't need to do the dating apps if you don't want to. But I think just having it in your mindset that you're more open to meeting people that way will help you. What do you think?

So I think that's really smart. But my issue is I feel like people. Like, I go to the gym, and I feel like people just are keeping to themselves, and it's so hard to just walk up to somebody and start talking to them because everybody's just doing their own thing. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I agree. And what about, like. No, I understand that about, like, the specific, but maybe if you're waiting in line and they sell, like, smoothies or you take a class, so it doesn't need to be as literal, you know? But if maybe you're walking out, like, yeah, I wouldn't want someone to come up to me on the treadmill and be like, excuse me, can you take out your earbuds? And I want to ask you out. Like, that actually has happened to me, and it's really annoying. So I'm just saying, like, I'm just saying about, like, if there's someone you see every day, maybe you smile, right? And you just start talking. Like, I think that we don't talk enough anymore, that we're all on our phones. I mean, I'm older than you. I've seen this happen in the world. Like, it used to be, like, we weren't looking down all the time. We were actually, like. Like, waiting in line for something, and you would just strike up a conversation or, you know. So here's what I think is going on in your mind. You feel like it's only gonna happen on online, and that's kind of what people are doing and that everyone else is assholes and just looking to hook up. But I don't think that that's True. Like, I understand that a lot of people are, especially at your age, where you're at, like, there are a lot of people who just wanna hook up, but there are the ones who just wanna meet cool people and have a relationship, too. So I think just switching your mindset that not everyone's an asshole or douchebags or. You know what I'm saying? There are those possibilities there. So even if it's not the gym, it's like, is there anything else you've been wanting to do to kind of take up your things that you're interested in classes or people or, you know, on Facebook, people invite you to events, maybe you invite you to parties, and you're like, oh, I don't know if I want to go. Like, make yourself go once a week, even to a party that you're like, I'm not so cool. She's not great. But maybe some of our friends are. You know what I mean? Like, we typically meet people through other friends. So I think just being open, just.

Being more outgoing and willing to talk.

To people and being outgoing and trying to stop the thing in your head that's shutting it down, like, this isn't the right time or place, or this person probably doesn't want it. So just being open more than being, like, closed in your mind. And.

I feel like the natural reaction.

Like, when you see somebody attractive, you, like, instantly, like, you look away. Like, instantly, like, you get kind of. I don't know, Like.

I don't know.

I do.

I get really sad. Yeah, I look away immediately.

I don't smile.

It's like, oh, my God. That totally could have been a moment.

Well, see, this is so good that you know this about yourself. So this is gonna take a practice, but I think a great practice for you is practicing, like, just looking at someone and smiling, whether they're attractive or not. Like, it's. No one does that anymore. I mean, when someone does smile at me, when they pass me or they say hello, I'm like, hi. Like, it feels. Feels so good. So I think you can get through that if it becomes part of your practice of just smiling. And, yes, we all get nervous when someone's looking, but you can move past. That's just a cycle you're in now. You've been doing that for a few years, but that doesn't have to mean you're like that for the rest of your life. You know, you can learn to keep that gaze and not make it awkward. So practice. Great.

That's a really good first step.

Yeah. Just practice. Practice. People that you don't find attractive, just do it. Smile. Right? This is how it happens. It becomes a new habit. So just get yourself out there. Say yes to things you wouldn't normally do, and that's when people are going to turn up.

All right, thank you so much for the advice.

I really appreciate. You're so welcome, Nikita. Enjoy. Get out there. Have a great day.

Thanks for having fun.

Bye. God, it's interesting, you guys, how dating. We all think, like, the apps are the way to go. If we've been on them, we're like, well, why would we even go anywhere else? And it's like, people are everywhere. There are more single people in America than there are, like. Than there have been at any other time. And remember that dating and flirting is a practice. And if it's a muscle and if we don't use it, it's atrophied. You can bring it back, and you just start using it. Start smiling, saying hi, having conversations. And you're gonna realize that when your world becomes bigger and you start bringing in and surrounding yourself with people, places, things that make you feel good, that you're gonna realize that you're gonna meet a lot more people that are on the same page as you. It makes it a lot easier. It's possible for all of us. Our next call. We have disa. She's 26, from Pennsylvania, and her partner won't go down. She does it for him and doesn't even enjoy it. Disa. Hello. I'm so glad you called. Hi. So tell me what's going on?

I have been with my. Well, we're now married.

Okay.

I've been with my husband for seven years.

Wow. Okay.

Come November 1st. And I've been crying to tell him to go down on me. He won't do it. He refuses. He says that he. He says that I smell when he goes down on me, even if I take a shower.

Okay, okay.

I. I've been. I've been. I. I was molested as a kid.

All right?

And I've been making myself to please him. I've been to Laying down on him.

Okay, Right.

And I've been asking him to do the same for me, but.

He'S not wanting to.

Right.

Because he says I smell down there even if I take a shower.

Okay, so that's what he said. So for the last seven years, he said that to you?

He's been saying that, yeah.

Okay, so there's a few things, but first of all, I mean. Okay, so you either. So when you shower sometimes that can do it for women. Right. Usually we're clean and our vagina cleans itself, typically. And you're fine. We all smell differently. Now. The truth is, if. And do you go to the gynecologist and get checked out once a year? I do. Okay. Because sometimes there is like, this is just ruling this out, but there is, like, an odor that can happen. If we have, like, for women, we can get, like, bacterial vaginosis, which we don't even know sometimes, but it itches and it can have an odor. So sometimes that can happen. And you go to your gynecologist, they give you a pill, and it goes away. So I'm just ruling all of that out. Okay, so. Okay, so what? It's so. Because I'm gonna assume that's what's the case. So that's not enough. Like, here's the thing to say that you don't smell good. Is. Is. I feel like he just doesn't want to then, like, it's just not his jam. He doesn't get it. He doesn't know how important it is to you. And so I think that there has to be a level of just conversation with him about how great how good it makes you. You feel like how it's important to you because, you know, your sex life is important and you enjoy sex more, you're more satisfied. Women are more likely to orgasm when they receive oral sex. And so I think there has to be another reason here. And I'm not sure how's your communication in other areas.

Like, we have. Our communication has grown over the last year and year and a half.

Okay.

We.

Basically. He comes home from work and he tells me about his day, and I tell him about what I did during my day.

And we.

It's great.

I mean. Okay, good.

The only problem I'm having is the bedroom.

Right. No. And that's a big problem, though. So has it changed at all in the seven years? Like, have you guys ever tried anything different? Or is it pretty much feels like it's been the same kind of thing and like, your main thing is oral consistent thing. Okay. Yeah. So I think maybe you just lead with let's seven years. Seven years in, they call it the seven year itch. Like, let's work on it. Like, let's kind of make our sex life something fun we can explore together. And if you guys, you know, we.

Don'T know where to begin to make our even any more interesting than what it is.

Right.

I mean, it's.

No, I get It. So this is the work you guys can do. Like, do you guys can start to do is ever listen. Does he ever listen to this podcast? Do you guys ever listen together?

Yes. I love your podcast, by the way.

Thank you. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. And I love. Couples sometimes listen together and they. And it can really help them with, like, with the sex life. So I think too.

He says that it's funny. He says your podcast.

He says that when I told him I listened to your podcast, he says that the chick podcast. I don't want to listen to that.

Well, you can tell him that over 50% of our listeners are men. Okay. It's about 52% men, I think. So what I'm saying is that's not true. I actually hear from, like, just about more men, a little bit more men than women. It's a lot of couples love listening together. So I think that you guys. Sometimes couples just need something on the outside. You could, you know, so you could listen together. You could buy some, you know, sex books together, some educational books that could help you as a couple kind of work through things. I wish I could think of some of the titles right now. There's some great therapy books couples can talk about. You could go to a sex toy store together. You could order some things online from the website and just get the conversation started about some things you might like to try. Great way to start is with, like, blindfolds, right? So you could blindfold him, he could blindfold you. You could give each other massages. You know, you could. You could talk dirty.

I already give him massage Oscars. We. We bought toys.

Oh, good.

He hasn't. He hasn't. I've told. I've asked him to.

Use them with me, but he. He just.

Yeah, I think you got to bring him out.

He hasn't been in the mood, like, Right.

I mean, you just gotta listen. Toys. You know, we. We all around here, we're like, yeah, of course you should use toys. But that's not so easy for everybody. So I think you have to, like, charge it, put it by the bed and say, we are using this tonight. I'm so excited. And I think also masturbation for you is really important if you're not to kind of figure out exactly what you want so you can kind of guide him and let him know how you want to be touched. I think it's just a matter of having a conversation saying, are you in, babe? Like, let's start working on this. And so I just think that's an important thing that you guys need to make that a plan to work on your sex life, even just by talking about it. And one more thing I want to say about the odor part, because there might be a thing where he's just like, I don't know, doesn't like vaginas. Something happened in the past. Are flavored lubes he can use? We like system. Joe makes lubes that, like, everything you could use. It's great for oral sex. Tastes like gelato. If he's into that, you could use a dental dam, which means he could put that over your vulva. It's kind of like a condom. It's like a latex material, and you could put it over you. And also, like, DOC is a great. They're one of our clients, and they. Doc is one of our sponsors, and they make this great wash for women that I just like, because it makes me like it's for women. It's made for your vulva, and it smells good. It feels good. So there's just a few things about the. If that keeps coming up, those might be some good things for you, but I think you just have to make sure he's on board with taking your sex life seriously. Seven years in, it is time for you guys to start the conversation, even if you don't know where it's going. But it's not gonna be a he said, she said. He's not doing that. You're not doing that. You guys are on the same team. You're married seven years. And so I need you both to, like, take priority on this and figure it out what works for you both, because you guys can do it. You know, you say communication is getting better, and this is just another thing to work on. So. Okay, okay, like. And you maybe have to bring out the toy and not wait for it and let them know, you know, practice when you're masturbating, see how you like the toy, and then use it together. So let me know how that goes. Okay? All right. Okay. Best of luck to you. Thanks for calling. Bye. Okay, guys, communication is a lubrication. I haven't said that yet today, so I'm telling you all that the more that we all get more comfortable talking about sex, it's going to get better. And I think as a couple, it's like, you got to figure out what you know if you don't know where to start. Like I said, listening to the podcast is great. Going on my website, go shopping at our store, look at some things that you want, go to a store together with your partner. Any little things. It could be watching a porn together, it could be reading erotica. Just one thing you need. And I'm telling you, once you guys get one, it could be like enhancing your kissing, right? But if you guys work on it together, you're going to realize that after that it's going to become your thing that you guys work on together and it enhances intimacy and ultimately will improve your sex life. All right, guys, that was fun. You know, you know, you know, if you enjoy these call shows, I'm available to you five nights a week on Sirius XM radio channel Stars109. I'm there Monday to Friday, 5 to 7pm and I'm having so much fun. I get to reach out to more of you. I get to really talk to you about what's going on in your life and helping with your sex and relationship challenges. So go check it out. I get to answer your calls live five days a week, which is a dream. So thanks everyone and thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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