Play With Yourself w/ Dr. Megan Stubbs

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Yeah, I want to shift away from having singledom as being the stopover point. Like, we're not a layover. This is a destination. Like, you can be happy here.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. I'm joined by sexologist and relationship expert, body image specialist and author of Playing without a partner, Dr. Megan Stubbs. We dive into how to embrace every aspect of singlehood. Hello, masturbation. And why being single doesn't have to be a layover. It can be your destination. We give tips for loving your body, ways to elevate your orgasm, and how to alleviate skin hunger when you're not in a relationship. Plus, we're sharing tips for sending nudes, ways to create an optimal pre date ritual and ideas for being with a new partner. We also answer questions about what to do if you feel insecure about the number of people you sub with, how to increase emotional intimacy in the bedroom and what to do if you've been in a dry spell intentions with Emily for each episode. Join me in setting an intention. It totally works. If you're listening and you think, what do I want to get out of this episode? Just set an intention. I do it. I encourage you do the same. My intention is to just normalize being single already and give everyone, single or not, some tips to steam up your solo play. We do have a article Ask Emily on the site right now. It's. We have a lot of new articles on the site, but this one is about do vibrate make you less sensitive? So in honor of masturbation month, I wanted you all to check that out because we get asked. We get asked that question a lot. Check it out on sexwithemily.com if you have questions. Speaking of questions, you can call my brand new hotline, 559-talk-SEX or 559-825-5739. Just leave your questions or you can always Message me@sexwithemily.com askemily and as always, include your name, your gen location, age and how you listen to the show. Also, it is still masturbation month, so remember, check out our Instagram every Monday this month because we'll be doing giveaways for you. All right, enjoy the show.

All right, Today my guest, Dr. Megan Stubbs is a sexologist, relationship expert, body image specialist and author of Playing Without a Partner. He she believes that sex should be fun and uses her light hearted, intelligent and humorous delivery to make it all happen. Dr. Megan Stubbs, welcome to the show. It's so good to see you. We first met in, in our grad school.

Yes, right. Back in the day.

Back in the day. And now you have your new book, Playing Without a Partner. Can you tell me about your decision to focus on, on this topic?

Yeah. So like it was like a really natural fit to both include my personal super single life and, and then share professional advice into one cohesive book to impact people.

Right. I mean the reason why I love this, because I can tell you this, is that I've been single by choice for more. I'm trying to think if it's more so in my, like the majority of my life, but I say I'm in long term relationships and then I'm single for a while and I cherish being single and I never understood why being single was such a temporary layover. Stopover. Till you actually get to be in the relationship. But being single can also be a lifestyle that's celebrated. And I love that your book is all about that. Yeah. How do we embrace being single and being sexual, Being out there in the world? So I think it's a. It was a great choice.

Thank you. Yeah. I want to shift away from having singledom as being the stopover point. Like, we're not a layover. This is a. This is a destination. Like, you can be happy here. And there's not a lot of books on the market that are talking about that. They're always like, how to get your partner. How to spice things up with your existing partner. Not just like, hey, I'm single and I want to live a good life. How do I do that?

Exactly? And that. And you really cover all of it from how to be okay with being single, because there is a lot of societal judgments around it. So where would we start? I mean, I'm always just throwing things. Like, you guys, it's fine, but. But you really give some specific tips so people can kind of embrace it. So where do we start? If we're single and we're just like, yeah, it's a bummer. I don't know. Or I'm not. I can't believe I'm not in a relationship. How do we become our best selves?

Take stock of your life. Like, I know I can feel like you have a scarlet S on your forehead because you're single. If you're feeling sad about it, feel sad. But then take stock of what's going on around you. Think about all the things you have going for you right now. As a single person, you're beholden to no one. You can do whatever you want. You can pursue a new hobby. You can pick up and go do a weekend away, and there's not anyone, you know, holding you back or saying, like, oh, we can't do that right now because I've got something else going on. You're really, like, the master of your universe. And so shifting that mindset of, like, sad and lonely to, like, oh, my gosh, I have all this, like, opportunity to explore. Can help people shift away from the, like, woe is me. I'm single. When's gonna be my turn?

And you also experienced this, as you said, I call. I did it once. I called it a manatorium when I swore off men for a year. And what did you call yours?

A man ban.

You banned man. That's good, too. And I think that. That it's we do some really wonderful work on ourself when we're single. But if we're single and we're always looking for the next thing thing, it's just not going to happen that way because you're like, okay, I'm just, I'm just looking and looking. So what did you learn during your man ban year? Let's talk about some of the things that could be a healthy steps if you're single right now. We're not saying you should never be in a relationship, but how do you get yourself into the best? Maybe you're going through a breakup or you just realize that I'm dating a lot of the people that aren't right for me. Maybe I should just stop, you know, and just look at myself. Where do we start?

You start with yourself. So time spent on yourself is never time wasted. So for me personally, that was time for me to work on myself both personally and professionally. So I made huge strides in my career. I was able to write for publications I probably never would have pursued if I was taking that time and energy on someone else. Not saying it's bad if you spend time with your partner or like dote on them or help bring them up, but when there's nobody else, okay, it's my turn. So take that same energy you put with someone else and put it towards yourself. You know, be selfish in a way and help yourself become the best person. I mean, I overhauled my house. I was like, what's going on here? Like, upgraded by sheets. Like, I really took care of me because I was like, I don't know what's going to happen down the road, but right now, here are the things I can control and I want to be living the best life I can. So no more cheap sheets. I'm old now. Like, I'm not in college. I want good sheets. I want to, you know, work on my career and I want to come home to a place that makes me feel good and not like I'm missing out on something because right now I'm coaching homie. And that's great.

You look cozy and homey. You do. You look like you're. You're look like you're. You're in a good place. So what did you discover about yourself from since we, you know, started school and through this journey. And I like, you say this in your book like you're never done. You're never done. Like, I'm always still discovering stuff too. So what would you say was like some surprising things that you've Learned about yourself that you didn't quite realize before. During this journey.

I like my hair played with. Not necessarily pull, but, like, head scratches. Feel super, super nice. And I do love a nice firm grab, like on a butt or a thigh. Like, I really like that. And again, that wouldn't be something I'd normally say, like, hey, I like when you grab my thighs. Like, how would you know that unless you've had that happen to you? And so it's just really fun to explore the different sensations. And so you might surprise yourself.

You might surprise yourself. It's true. What about other specific things? Like, about your orgasms? I used to just have very. Just have, like, clitoral orgasms that I would, like, knew how to do that with a toy. But then once I started to slow down and figure it out, I was like, I realized that I had all the nerve endings beneath the labia and that I could actually have an orgasm once I was really turned on and I did all the things. My pubic mound, Like, I just. I learned so much, and I'm always still learning things. So anything about your orgasms that have shifted? I think people just think that there's just one way and that's it.

Oh, yeah. There's a variety of ways. I mean, you think back to school, we had to masturbate in different ways. And sometimes it felt like we were like two North End magnets. Like, no, I don't want to do this. This doesn't feel right. But, you know, exploring, because I'm on my back with my hand kind of person, but, you know, exploring what it's like on your stomach with a toy or maybe standing up or discovering, you know, no, I don't like it if I'm on my knees and I'm trying to, like, orgasm. Like, there's just certain ways that it feels better for me and can be more powerful. And you mentioned, too. So edging. Oh, my gosh. If I edge for like, an hour, that orgasm pales in comparison to, like.

I love edging. Can we just break down edging? Any gender can do edging.

Yes.

Let's talk about how you've edged. Yes.

So this is where you're building arousal and you're getting to the, like, almost cusp of orgasm, but you back away. So either you're slowing down sensation or you just completely, like, stop. Hands up. And then you let your body come back down to a restful state. But then you do it again and you slow it down, and then you do it again and you slow it down, and then whenever you want to. I mean, maybe you could edge for a day, whatever, your choice. But then when you finally allow yourself to go over that peak and reach orgasm, it's like, next level.

So would you, like, do it where you're about to orgasm and then you go make a sandwich and come back to it? You said you did it all day. Like, would you be like, oh, I'm gonna go to the mall and come back and then I'll do it again? But are you saying, like, in a session? Yeah.

If you got a whole Saturday, you know, go do that, Spend all day.

Edging, and that works for all judges. And no matter what your body parts, it is true that that edging practice, it can also help for a lot of penis owners to understand the ejaculatory control. And, yeah, it's just more intense, like, anything, like, waiting for dessert. I want to eat these fresh chocolate cookies, but I'm going to think about. I'm going to try to eat dinner first, and then I'm going to have a cookie. You know, it's like, everything's kind of better with the delay and the anticipation of what's to come. Yeah.

And I'm so glad you brought up for penis owners, because I know there's a lot of times people are concerned with, you know, I'm coming too fast. So doing this exploration on your own, there's no pressure. Being with a partner of like, oh, I came too fast, because you can start to play with those sensations and get to know your body better and know those points where you're like, well, almost there. So you can control that better.

We need to help everybody with this stuff. So. So how are elevating your orgasms in real life, like, changing the way you think? It's edging. Edging for sure, can do that. What else do you think? Toys? Sensations. Any other breath?

Oh, breathing for sure. Take some deep breaths. I know a lot of times in pornography, we're seeing, like, the.

Which is fine and good. That's great. But taking in a deep breath and fully oxygenating yourself is just like a whole new level of just sensation. So, you know, next time you're engaging in play, whether solo or partnered, take a deep breath and just see how that changes the sensations in your body. So breathing 100%, maybe reading erotica, that's something on your radar. You can easily read on your phone. Phone or a laptop. You can listen to audio. So, I mean, there's a lot of great apps that do that. There's also some websites you can listen to really steamy stories. And of course, pornography is great, too.

How can we start to expand our sexual practice when we're alone?

Yes, again, spending time with ourselves, but in a sexual way. I think a lot of times people feel like they're missing out air quotes on real sex. Again, what's real sex but sex with a partner? But you can be your own best sexual partner. And sometimes you're better than with a partner because. Yeah, so take that time. So maybe let's just say you're someone who's like, I've only had satisfying sex with a partner and I don't know where to begin with myself because I'm alone. Just take time and start touching yourself just for exploration. So almost like a solo sensei focus, where you're just touching yourself for curiosity and there's no kind of like, end game or pressure to, like, orgasm at the end. You're just taking time to get to know you and what you like and then take time to actually masturbate. Not like, I got 10 minutes before I fall asleep. Let's just see what happens. But make it a event. Like, schedule out some time and really explore and play. And I love the addition of sex toys. I think in relationships it might be kind of difficult to bring up a sex toy, but when you're with yourself, there's no pressure, there's no judgment. So do a little online shopping. Get some anonymous brown boxes in the mail and try them out. Right?

Yeah. You know, I love the sex toy.

I do.

So let's go back to sensate focus again, because I know that something that we also covered in grad school about, like, whatever year for years, sensate focus. But how would you actually walk someone through that process of learning to recognize what touch feels good to you and touching for your own pleasure.

Yeah. So this is something you would do when you have a block of time to dedicate to doing this exercise. And you're just going to do a full, like, top to bottom assessment, stroking with your fingers, maybe some nails, maybe some pinching or pressure or some percussive slaps going on and just discovering, you know, because we know hotspots, we know nipples, clitoris, we know that, we know those are exciting places. But maybe there's something about, you know, your lower belly where you have nails running down. It's like, ooh, kind of gives me chills. I kind of like that. You wouldn't know that if you didn't discover that on your own. So this is just taking a full Body assessment and just seeing what different sensations you like. And this isn't a one or one day exercise like you can do this many times. Revisit as needed.

Right after the break, Megan and I answer your listener questions, so stick around.

Megan, do you want to help me answer some questions from the listeners here?

Oh my God, I love that.

Sure, let's do it together. Okay. So this is from J24 in Texas. Dear Dr. Emily, after my college sweetheart and I broke up, I didn't see it coming. I went on a year long sex party binger. Only to feel any love and affection. My ex was only the second person I ever had sex with and within a year my body count shot to 21. I used sex with random people to try to get over him and I simply became dependent on men to boost my own self esteem. I'm in therapy now and working on this too. Your podcast opened my eyes to various traumas I've suppressed, so thanks for that. Anyways, I'm now with my current boyfriend for the past two years and he's the love of my life. Sadly, I still have so much shame about my body count, especially as a young woman. My boyfriend and I both decided early on that this would not be something we would ever discuss as it does nothing to benefit our relationship with each other. It's strictly a self shaming burden I've carried for years now. How can I forgive myself what I did when I was hurting and not let this body count number hang over my head? So what, what Jay is saying is that she broke up with someone and her body count sounds like she killed people. She actually had sex with 21 people, which is great. You went out there, you experienced things. I have a lot to say about this. Number issue is like, first, don't talk about it. Your partner does not need to know. But also because people do have judgments around it. But Jay is so hard on herself. And I think, I think that that showed that you were out there exploring and experimenting and it's not this negative, horrible thing that you did. You literally did not kill anybody. You, you, you got to give love to yourself and try things out, even if they weren't always perfect. I just think, I don't know, how do we get her get out of her head that this was a bad thing? I'm like, you go girl. But I know that writing in the.

Sexologist is definitely like not typical answer, I think from civilians.

Because I was like, we're not giving you a typical answer. Yeah, I know.

I have no qualms with anyone's number if it's high, low, whatever. Like, if that's what you wanted to do, that's amazing. That's great. That's a chapter in your life. There should be no shame as long as everything was consensual. All good. You know, there is a saying of, like, how to get over one is to get under a new one. There's also that song by Dua Lipa. But, you know, if that's what you wanted at that moment, honor that. And so now it sounds like you're in a relationship with someone and it's going well. You don't have to discuss those numbers. I mean, there's nothing wrong with holding that back and just saying, like, I had a, you know, pass, much like you did before we met. We don't have to go and discuss that because as long as it's not impacting your relationship now, all good.

The past is the past. I always say if your partner asks you that question, you could say, you know what? All I'm focusing right now and all I'm remembering is the incredible sex we're having. Yeah, let's stick with that narrative. Like, you don't need to go back. And also just. I think this is just a matter of going easy on yourself. I think that the high body count thing or how do you slept with. Is it another societal construct that numbers lower mean that you're better? If they're higher, it means you're not keep going in your relationship. This is from Casey, 33, in Connecticut. Dear Dr. Emily, I spent six years in a relationship in my 20s. The passion was never there and we decided to go our separate ways. Our relationship ended four years ago. I dated some and had some casual sexual relationships for the year following, but then stopped. I've spent the last three years alone. No dating, no sex. I feel like all my insecurities have really surfaced and get louder the longer I remain single. I've gained some weight. I'm in recovery and scared of how someone will view me and not find me attractive. The longer I remain celibate, the harder it seems to get my groove back. I masturbate but have lost all confidence in myself. I would love your perspective on getting back out there after a long dry spell. Megan, she's gotta read your book.

Yes, Book plug.

Really? Megan's book is Playing Without a Partner. It's just so interesting that it is true that if you've less time that we do something. I always say it's like going to the gym, like Sometimes you might be really into it, and then you take a week off and then a month off, and then two months, you're like, oh, I gotta go back to the gym. And it kind of can be a little bit, you know, harder at first, but then you get back into the routine. She's saying, it gets louder. I know that experience of being alone and then my negative self talk just gets louder and louder. Part of me just thinks, go out and start doing things that you love. Taking classes, saying hi to people, just starting to talk to people and building. It's not like you gotta find one person, go and date. I think I've met personally through groups or going out to a party and, you know, just you meet people, being out and feeling confident. If you're with a group of friends that you really get along with, like, see where you can all go together, because then you're already feeling comfortable and see if maybe they'll have a party and they'll have some friends there. And what do you think? What can she do?

I want to give this person a hug. Like, oh, you gained some weight. Okay, so what now what? All right. I feel like people think being fat is, like the worst thing in the world, and it's not. But that's what society tells you. So already with that, like, you're fine, it's fine. You gained some pounds. No one cares. It's fine. But when she mentioned that the process of masturbating wasn't, like, great anymore, that's such, you know, revisit that. Please revisit masturbation. Because not only can that make you feel good sexually, it can kind of help heal that disconnect of the body you don't like, because it puts some weight on, it gains some pounds, you can still bring about amazing sexual pleasure from that body. So how are you going to hate this thing that you can make feel so good? So when there's that disconnect, it's like, oh, I guess my body is still good. It's still valid. Maybe someone would want that. They do. People want your body.

They do want your body. But how do you suggest she would mix up masturbation?

Oh, so again, try different things. So maybe you are a back masturbator. Try it on your stomach. Try it in the shower. Try in the bathtub. You ever had a stream of water shooting on your clitoris before? If you haven't, it's real nice. So put your hair up in a bun, lay down and throw your legs up on the wall and just try it out.

Exactly. Just mix it up yourself. Right. So true.

And if it sucks, you have a funny story to tell your friends.

That's true. You're like, I wish that people would talk about this more and just say, so what'd you do last night? Last night I was trying a new masturbation routine. I don't think it's going to be my go to, but I learned something interesting. Like how great if we talked about that. Yeah, I just watched Netflix. Right?

Yeah.

Not that there's any judgment on that. Okay. This is from Lindsay, 25, in North Carolina. Hey, Dr. Emily, thanks for your podcast. You've helped me so much in the few short months I've been listening. My question is about emotional intimacy. I've recently begun dating my partner. We've been great friends for a decade, but only been seeing each other romantically for a little over a year. He has a lot of sexual trauma in his childhood. Recently started EMDR therapy. I know he loves and cares for me deeply, but there always seems to be a lack of emotional intimacy in the bedroom. I know this is probably due to the trauma, but he has expressed wanting to feel intimacy in the bedroom. He wants to have sex frequently, but when we do, it seems surface level with no emotional depth. I'm definitely one who needs the romantic, emotional piece of sex. I'm wondering if you have tips to offer that will help us find deeper emotional intimacy in the bedroom. Thank you so much. That's so interesting because we're talking about, like, emotional intelligence and emotional maturity is something that we have to, like, learn over time. But when I'm hearing that, it's like. Like it might be due to the trauma. It just might be that your partner doesn't have experience having real authentic connections with a woman or with anybody. There's many ways the genders are coming together very similar, but we'd say this is typically more for penis owners, that they grow up in an environment where they're like, you know, man up, don't cry, don't show emotion. His dad didn't show emotion to the mom. Like, he doesn't have any role models for how to do that. And he probably doesn't even really know what you mean. And I'm trying to understand what she means. Like, let's. Let's talk about this. Like, how would you define Megan? They're having sex, but she needs the emotional piece, I think, like, staring into each other's eyes, talking like, what. What do you think she's actually saying here? That she.

She might want yeah, that was my follow up question. Like, what do you mean? Like, I don't know. Because, I mean, if we just look at intimacy that's so broad, like, what do you want? Do you want the eye connection? Do you want, you know, a little hair tuck behind the ear? Do you want a little tear maybe? Or like, oh, my God, I love you? Like, what? I don't know what that means. And also, too, if we don't know what that means, does your partner know what that means? Have you given them examples of like, hey, I would love it if you whispered I'm your little boo thing in my ear? Like, I would love that. That's what I'm looking for. Because they could be completely clueless and it could be stemming from the trauma, or it could just be like you said, they don't know. They don't know what? They don't know. Maybe that's not how they've had sex before in the past, and they don't think they're doing anything wrong. So it boils down to communication. Like, have you asked for what you want?

It always comes down to communication. We think that we were like, well, I told my partner I wanted them to be more aggressive in the bedroom, but do they know what that means? It's okay to walk your partner. Through what? When you say you want more emotional intimacy, what does it look like?

Is that hand holding?

Yeah. Is he gonna hold your hand? Is he gonna sing you a song? He probably needs you to walk him through it. And you could find some erotica. You could read him an erotica story that depicts exactly what's on your mind. You could show them porn if there's anything romantic and porn that speaks to you. But I don't know. That's how I learned too. I'm like a visual learner. I also need to, like, hear something auditory. Like, I just feel like, Megan, don't you think that people, if you're with a good person, they want to be good lovers? Like, they. They want to know what you want. They're not trying to not please you. I just think we're not equipped. We don't. We don't have any skill sets around it.

Yeah, we don't have the language for sure. And it's definitely not normalized in popular culture. I don't see a lot of TV shows or movies that are like, hey, you know what? I like X, Y and Z done this way. That's never happened. It's just always like, we're kissing and then stuff happens and we're like, oh, I guess that's great. But if you get specific on what you like, you're gonna get what you like. And that's okay. It doesn't have to be boring. Of like. And here's my clipboard with my checklist of things I enjoy. Make it fun. Make it like, where you're reading erotic novel together. Be like, hey, I want to show you a clip of something. Make it fun.

Yeah. And exactly. And then using your book playing without a partner as a tool, toolkit, you can do some of this work on your own and figure out what do I mean by emotional intimacy or different kind of touch. And then you, Then it becomes a deeply more embodied experience where you're actually. When you. You have to take notes when you're alone, like, you'll be. You'll be. You'll. You'll have a knowing in your body about what you need. You know, you'll. You'll be able to think about it like, well, in this moment, what would I have needed? And you just. I don't know. That's just how I. I have to experience something to know it.

Yeah.

We're going to take a quick break. When we come back, Dr. Megan Stubbs and I break down skin hunger and what you should do if you're craving another person's touch.

Okay, let's talk about the dating world, because you give a lot of great tips about how to meet people, especially now that the pandemic is waning and we're out. I love that you break it down. You're like, pretend you're at a coffee shop. Here's how you meet someone. Or here's, you know, like, it's a lot simpler than we think, right? We don't need, like, pickup lines. We don't say hello sometimes. What are some interesting ways that you think that people could. Aren't thinking about where they could actually meet someone?

I think the biggest worry is coming off creepy. So with the pickup lines or any kind of pickup artist stuff, don't do that avenue. Don't send dick pic. Like, that's not going to be great. Just be authentic. And so while it sounds super easy, that can just be as simple as a hello. Or like in the book, I say, ask the barista. They know everybody who comes in there in the whole neighborhood. So tell people you're looking for a partner and, like, you know what you're looking for. Obviously don't, like, hold up the whole line if it's the morning, but, like, just say, like, hey, I'm looking for someone. And chances are, if you're doing things you already like. So maybe you can volunteer once, you know, out of lockdown. Maybe you want to go do an intramural sport doing the things you already enjoy. You might see someone who's like, wow, you're into this too. Cool. Then you have something to bond and talk about.

Yeah. When you're doing something that you actually like, you're more likely to find people who are more suited to. At least you know, you got that in common. You both like hiking, you're at a hiking club, or taking a wine tasting class. I love that you have a chapter you write about skin hunger, because that's something that we've been talking about a lot, especially being a single person the last year, if you were single in lockdown. Let's talk about skin hunger.

Yes. This is actually a, like, phenomenal. It's been studied by science, and it's super detrimental if you don't get enough touch in your life. And so obviously, if you are single, you don't have someone readily available to touch. So you can see that in different ways. So for me, my dog was, like, clutch during this time because, like, I can just snuggle and cuddle up to him. But you can also rely on those relationships you already have. So don't just count your family members and your friends, obviously. Again, don't be creepy, but just be like, can you hug? You know, can we, like, sit close together? And there's nothing wrong with, you know, touching your friends or your loved ones. Like, it's. It's a natural thing. Like, we need to hug more, right?

We do. We do. I mean, we don't even realize the repercussions of it. I mean, I did. I got a dog. Yeah. Okay. So we go out there, we meet people, we start saying hello. And then what are some. What I'm hearing from a lot of people, Megan, is that they feel out of practice. They haven't dated in a while. How do we get into our best mindset for dating or even before a date? I love your chapter on how to, like, pre game date before a date. How do you get in the right mindset? Yeah, I love it. How do you do it?

You just approach every new date as an opportunity to get to know someone and you keep an open mind. Hopefully you've done some, like, pre work where you just haven't, like, gone on a blind date and you're like, I don't know anything about this person, but you've had maybe a Couple conversations via, you know, maybe the Internet or texting, and you've got some things going on, so you're not going to walk into it and be like, we have nothing to talk about. But you've done some pre vetting so you know it's not going to be totally horrible. But if it is horrible, that's okay. There's always a next one. Don't put so much pressure on the first date where you're having a conversation with someone and then you're like, PS, my ring size is seven. And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow it down. Like we just met. So just relax. Just relax.

You also talk, though, about some things to do, like getting the shower, like loofah, getting yourself. Yeah, I love that stuff because I've shown up frazzled, I'm late, I'm working and I'm not. My bad. I try to take 10 deep breaths in the car. But you have some great embodied practices in your book for people to kind of get in a good mindset before a date.

Hype yourself up. So put on your jams, you know, put on whatever makes you feel confident and just tell yourself like, you're a catch, you're amazing. Wear your sexy panties if you want. Maybe wear no panties. I don't judge and just go out feeling the best you can because you are a catch. And no matter what you look like, I know right now everyone's worried about, like, lose the pandemic weight. Bikini season, summer's coming. It doesn't matter what you look like, you are totally deserving of having a happy, fulfilling relationship right now. So hype yourself up, believe that when you say it and just go out and be like, all right, I'm going to meet this person. They're going to be blown away because I'm awesome, right?

I love this, having a toolkit that you can access when you know that your inner negative talk is going to be rearing its ugly head. And I love that you write in your book Playing Without a Partner about how maybe you're not feeling as great in your body and someone wants to take off your shirt and you're going, oh, my God, negative self talk. Like, oh, God, my left boob is bigger than my right boob. Or I look weird and you start to stabatize yourself before it happens. But then in the moment you'll say, I am a goddess, I am deserving of this. And then you can totally flip the whole situation because that is what sexy is. A person who actually feels good in her body. And I know we don't all always feel good in our bodies at all times, but to know in that moment that you could do that switch, I just really liked how you explained that that moment of like, you could go either way here. I could just take it down with my negative thoughts or I could be like, no, that's not who I am. I'm a sexy woman deserving all this pleasure. Yeah.

I mean, referencing back to that self work, you know, the beginning of the book is a lot of, I think like self esteem building and validation of how good you are right now. So when you have that rock solid foundation. So when those do negative thoughts pop up, because they will. It happens. We're human. It only happens. It's part of life. You know that you are not your chubby belly or your cellulite. You are so much more than that. So those thoughts will pop up. We see those thoughts, I see you. We're going to shove them aside because this person's going to take my shirt off and we're going to have an amazing time together.

But how do you walk people through feeling better about their bodies? Body, even body neutrality.

I think the first and easiest thing you can do right now, even as you're listening to this podcast, is go to your social media feed so you're on Instagram and look at who you're following. Are you following bodies that don't make you feel good about yourself? Or bodies that you look at and you're like, oh, I wish this could be me. Or like, oh, why can't I look like this? You know, look at what you're consuming. So curate your social media. Look at all the diversity that's out there, because there's amazing diversity or there's amazing offering of bodies out there that have diverse sizes and colors and shapes. It's wonderful. So don't just look at a certain kind. So curate that right now. And then know that again, you are not just one feature, you are the sum of everything. And think about your friends, like how would they talk about you? They wouldn't say all the negative things that you're thinking in your head because they love you, all of you. They're not just in love with you because you got great eyes or great eyelashes. And so just have that knowledge and then use that to slowly build up your self esteem. And also know too that even if you're not the shape you want to be, you just survived a pandemic. Like let's, let's frame that right here. Like you just survived A pandemic. So whatever shape your body took, that's what it needed. So applause for that, right?

Exactly.

You can change your body. I'm not saying, like, you can't ever do that. You totally can. But I'd love if you shifted away from the idea of, like, form into function. Because a number on a scale doesn't tell you anything, you know, but if you love to go hiking or run 5Ks, you know, that's an object you can work towards. That's a goal you can work towards. It has nothing to do with a number on a scale.

Yes, Megan, preach. You talk a lot about, like, finding signs of a good. Like, how do you know if someone's a good romantic partner? I think you also mentioned that you were dating a series of people that weren't great for you. Hi. Raise your hand if you haven't done that. But then you said that you know how. So how do we find if someone's the right for us? What are some signs? It's a good romantic partner versus not.

You know, I think it's really great to have this, like, list in your head of qualities and attributes you're looking for and kind of place them in a hierarchy. So that way you're not seeking out someone who might not be a good fit, but they're like, ah, maybe we'll see. So if you're seeking out a casual connection, make sure you're going forward with that and saying, hey, I'm seeking out a casual connection. Because if the person you're, like, going to go on a date with is like, I'm looking for serious and that's kind of already a red flag of like, it's not going to be compatible. Or you're looking for long term and someone's like, I'm looking for something casual, chances are you're not going to convert them into being like, this is going to be long term. Like, don't. Just don't set yourself up for failure.

You are not going to convert them. Like, that is the sign to walk. They just told you what they want. And so many of our brains go to, oh, well, you say you don't have a relationship, but have you met me? You know, we think we're going to be the one that change them and that doesn't. Does not happen. That's a sign from the universe saying, move on.

Yeah.

So what about the. What about you talk about being with someone new. Some great tips for when you're with a new partner. What to do.

Yeah. And so, you know, you don't know this person. Whether you've been with one person sexually or 100 people sexually, you don't know this new person's body. So I think a really fun thing you can do is doing a yes, no, maybe lift up together, obviously do them separately, but then come back together and look at where you rank on the different activities. Things that are circled. Yes, awesome. Those are on the table for you to try. Things that are maybes. Maybe you can explore and learn with them and see how those go. And then, of course, knowing the no's are super important because if they're not into choking and you suddenly go to choke them, that might be not so great.

Right. So you clear all those roadblocks ahead of time. Yeah, we love the yes, no, maybe. Listen, what are your tips for sending nudes?

Make sure you get consent first. It could be, you know, really spicy to send a nude. But if they're like, whoa, where does this come from? Out of left field. Might not be great. But if you are okay with sending nudes, you don't have to send, I don't know, surgical lighting, super bright, you know, full body. You can be sexy with it. You can be in fully clothed, like, clothing, and just like, pull to the side a little bit or maybe just pull your pants down a little bit. Build the anticipation. Tease them. You don't have to just suddenly be like, here are the goods. You're welcome.

Exactly. Build it up.

Right?

Because that is what's sexy, is what we sometimes what we don't see. I love that you talk about how do we make new NRE or new relationship energy Last you're in a relationship, it's great you're in the honeymoon phase, but how do you continue to make that go the distance?

You know, relationships take work. I think when the NRE starts to wane, we've gotten kind of complacent. So never stop dating your partner. Never stop trying to do new things and keep that energy alive, because you can wake up someday and just be like, oh, my gosh, like, it's just stagnant. It's like, it's my roommate now. So if you try to, like, mindfully keep that spark alive, you can do it.

Yeah. They could take all of these tools. Megan Stubbs. Well, it's so good to see you. Thank you for being here. I'm going to ask you the five questions we ask all of our guests. Quickie questions.

I'm ready.

What's your biggest turn on.

Eyes?

Biggest turn off smokers? What makes good sex playfulness. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

Take your time.

What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

Sex is for everyone. There's someone out there for you and you deserve to have good sex.

Thank you. Megan thank you for being here. Congrats on your book and tell me how people can find you.

Emily, thank you so much for having me. This was a joy. You can find me@sexologistmegan.com and I'm exologistmegan on all the social media handles.

Thank you for being here. Congratulations on your book.

Thank you so much.

That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review. Or wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this, they will too. We release two to three episodes a week. Follow me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. It's all sexwithemily. If you want to ask me a question about sex, dating or relationships, you can email me feedbackexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com askemily and check out my website. We have so many articles articles on there helping you better sex. And you can check out our guides@sexwithemily.com Guides for free guides that will give you expansive tips and activities. Sign up for our weekly emails because hey, I've been told I give really good emails. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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