Pleasure, prostate play and…puppets? Exploring all things sex with Dr Emily Morse

Hey listeners. Harry Jowsey here. I'm so excited that boyfriend material has officially joined Sirius XM family. I can't wait to share all of my relationship advice with you each week. If you want to hear new episodes ad free, subscribe to Sirius XM podcast plus on your Apple podcast or visit siriusxm.com podcastplus to start your free trial today on December 19th. Based on the best selling novel, Amanda Seyfried and Sydney Sweeney star in the Housemaid A Woman. A wildly entertaining thriller about a live in housemaid and the wealthy Winchester family experience a twisted world where perfection is an illusion and nothing is as it seems. The shocking twists will leave you guessing until the very end. Can you keep a secret? The Housemaid Rate Rated R only in theaters December 19th.

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No way. Yeah. How? What? Yeah, I've just been coming once forever.

Yeah, let's make a. Well, you might not love this. I didn't know penises couldn't be erect. I just thought every penises were erect all the time. They're like flaccid penis. What the hell's that? How'd you learn sex?

Well, porn. No, I actually stopped watching it to be honest.

Good. When?

This morning.

Let me just walk you through it.

Yeah. Wait, why is there a knob? Okay. Sorry.

Gu my. I forgot my penis puppet. I am not prepared.

His love life is talked about all over the Internet.

He was on Dancing with the Stars.

Despite not being able to dance.

He once wrangled a kangaroo with his bare hands.

I did. What is your favorite reality TV boy Reformed. He can make a woman fall in.

Love at first sight.

He is Harry Josie.

Boyfriend material.

But sex, man, that's.

Let's. We love sex. All right guys. Welcome back to Boyfriend material. You freaky little flamingos. Look, today's. Today's guest. We're going to learn a lot and I'm very excited. You have an incredible, incredible day. Okay. Sex educator, Doctor of Human sexuality masterclass instructor and host of the number one sexuality podcast, Sex with Emily. Dr. Emily Morse. Welcome to boyfriend material. How you doing, my love?

I doing very well. Good to be here.

I'm. I'm very excited.

Me too.

I'm ready to learn. I'm ready to learn about sex.

Yes.

Sex is great.

I'm so glad you reached out, because it's. It's. You know, it's gonna help.

We need to do it. Like, we're young. We're. Yeah, we're learning about it all. I feel like growing up, like, I didn't really have much guidance in that world, and then I was trying to figure it out, and I still feel like there's so much more to learn.

There is. We're never done learning. Yeah, I'm always learning still after. Yeah, we're never done. It's not like the kind of thing you're like, I learned to play guitar. Now I'm done. Or golf. Like, it's ongoing, and every partner's different.

That's stressful as well. Yeah. Because it goes.

Give you all the tools today.

So complicated. There's so much going on down there.

And the vagina is like the Rubik's cube of life. You're like, what the hell?

And they're all different now.

Every single one's different. Like, how are you supposed to know?

It's like learning a new language every day. Like, this is really stressful, but that's what we're going to learn, the language of vagina today.

We are.

I want to learn a little bit more about why you chose to focus on sex and everything that's going on in that world.

Because I also had zero sex education, and I kept getting into these relationships with guys, and I was like, why don't I know? First off, I thought, why doesn't it feel great to me every single time? How come he's having an orgasm every time and I'm not? So that was the first thing. The second thing was I felt like I was always pick good guys, but they were like, well, what do you want? And I was like, or would you like this? And I'd always say, yes, everything you're doing feels good. And I was like, but what if I don't really like it? I didn't know what to say. So I didn't know what I wanted for number one. Why was he always having a good time and having orgasm and I wasn't. I didn't know I'd ask for. I want number two.

Yeah, there you go.

Right. Every time you're like, this is easy.

Figured it out.

I didn't know penises couldn't be erect. I thought every penis is erect all the time. They're like, flaccid penis. What the hell's that? No, and then, and then, and then number three. Like, I was like, why is anyone talking about it? Why is this one thing that we put on this pedestal? It's supposed to be amazing, and we have no information. Why is it so mysterious? Why can't we talk about it? And when I went looking for these answers 20 years ago, there was literally nothing out there. And I thought, I'm gonna make this my life's work. And so I started a podcast and just interviewing my friends, ye and people I knew about sex. And then I went back to grad school and got a doctorate in human sexuality, and I've just been teaching.

Wait, but how did you get so open and okay to talk about it? Because it is quite a taboo.

I had to learn. Like, I literally was. I. I was not born this way like everyone else. Like, I didn't come out of the, you know, womb being like, the clitoris has, you know, 12,000 nerve endings. Like, I was not 12,000. I know we're going to get.

Where the fuck are they?

Exactly.

I can't even find the.

Guess how much a circumcised penis has. 4000.

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You guys are cheating. That's not fair.

Right? Because you don't know but. Right?

That's so not fair.

It is fair, but we don't know how to play that instance.

We come quick.

Yeah, you come every time. Like literally every day, all the time. And so the third thing was like, yeah, there should not be shame in this thing. It seems so confusing to me that like it's supposed to be amazing and it's not.

What about communication? How did you.

How did I learn that?

Yeah, cuz that's also, that's the hardest part.

I always say communication is a lubrication. And the more we learn to talk about sex, the better sex we're going to have. I know, right? Don't you think it's hot to talk about sex once you get over the weird part about it, you're like, that's so hot. I'm not just talking dirty talk. I'm like, do you want to know what makes me feel good? Like, let me show you. Like, this is what I've learned about my body.

Wow.

Yeah. And then like you'd be like, I want to know. So it's, it's literally just. It gets easier over time talking about sex. But, but the big gap is that most of us don't talk about it because we don't know what to say. It's weird. Is this going to be weird if I bring it up? But once you get over the gap of it, you're like, and we can go into how to do it, but it gets a lot easier. And now I Can't have sex without being like, let's talk about it. Like, it's almost like a requirement.

Having, like, a steak dinner. Like, hey, guess what? I like this.

Oh, not the first days, I know. But eventually when you're in it, when you're with someone regularly, you're like, yeah, let's be like, how was that? Like, play by play, you know, like, what do you like? What don't you like, without shame.

Do you think younger generations have gotten better or worse at talking about sex?

Worse? Well, I don't think anyone's ever been good about it. I think that younger generations are like, let's talk about it. Like, did we have sex? Didn't we have sex? But as far as the mechanics of how you actually talk about it in a way that's consensual and healthy and hot. I think that we've all gotten worse. And then your generation, younger generation, grew up on porn. And porn is like, people think that that's actual sex and that's what we should do. Like, that's my playbook. But learning to have sex by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching, like, Fast and the Furious.

You're like, that's actually how I learned how to drive.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, exactly. And how'd you learn sex?

Well, porn. No, I actually stopped watching it, to be honest.

Good. When?

This morning?

An hour ago? No, before you got here.

That was a couple of months ago. Because I realized that my problem was is that I think I was constantly, like, feeding my brain.

Yeah.

Being aroused all the time. And that this is good. And I should be, like, getting off every day.

Right.

Oh, but this is how I should be doing it. And I realized it was kind of gross. And I'm. Yeah, okay. I'm not attracted to this.

Yeah.

I don't want to keep feeding myself unrealistic expectations. Or also, like, that's great. Meaning it was kind of felt meaningless.

Yeah.

I would skip all the, like, the starts where they're like, here's the pizza. You know, get into it, guys.

I don't care how you met the pizza guy.

Exactly. So then I was just. Got it to a point where I was like, actually, I'm not. This isn't serving me anymore. And then I thought about previous relationships when there was potential issues, and I was. Because I'd be watching porn.

What were the issues?

For example, would just be like, okay, maybe I would get, like, promiscuous mind about other people, or I'd be a little bit flirty of someone. I've met out that I know is in that industry.

Yeah.

And then I'm like, okay, well that is already causing a little crack in the relationship. And that's not necessary. That's not good.

So self aware. I love that.

Because at some point you gotta grow up. Yeah.

That's why we're here. But it is true that we look at that and we're like, oh, doesn't every girl want to be chosen? Or does every girl want to be spanked? Like, not necessarily even ones who work in the. In the industry.

So it's also scary as well. I don't want that on my record.

Right. Yeah, exactly. No, right. Like, that's actually like not consensual a lot of times. And then the other thing about it, which I think what you might be saying is too, is that sometimes when we have these expectations with porn, you're like, some people get into the loop where they're like. A lot of guys are like, I actually now I need porn to get turned on. Like, this isn't as like, we escalate our watching. So we're like, I'm gonna watch this porn and then I'm gonna watch a gangbang, and then she's gonna bring 10 friends. And then you're with one person and you're like, that was actually hotter than porn. So it just. Your brain gets scrambled when it comes to getting aroused. So it's good to take it out for a while.

Is there a way to. Because I. I kind of just started looking at previous relationships and I was like, okay, this is what was the common denominator. But for other people that are in it, is there a way that they could maybe acknowledge that they're watching a little bit too much porn?

Or. Yeah, I think that when people are questioning, do I have a problem with it? They. It's probably good to explore that. Maybe I do. Maybe I don't need it to get turned on. Or maybe I'll take a. Take a beat. Or when I'm taking. When I'm beating, take a beat from beating off and I'll just like, yeah. Yeah. So I think if it. So how you know you have a problem with it is when there's consequences. Okay, so like, let's say you're like, wow, every time I'm with someone, I find that I have to fantasize about that porn I just watched. Or. Or I'm just doing things. I'm taking directly what I saw in porn and doing in relationship. Or I just find that, like, porn is actually better. Than being with an actual human. So those are some of the things we're like, you know what? Maybe I should take a break from it. And I don't think that porn is, like, evil or wrong. Like, it definitely serves a purpose. It's like our old. One of our oldest forms of media. Like, you look like hieroglyphics and, like, old caves and stuff, like cavemen.

I do. Cape horn.

Yeah, there was a Cape Horn. No, I swear to God.

Jacking off, looking at the wall. It's crazy.

I know, right? I'm telling you, that's great.

You're like.

There's, like, these hieroglyphs, like, women and men, like, going down. I'm like. You're like, is she giving him, like, a blowjob? And so. Yes, it's fine. It's been around.

I need to look at cave porn.

I know. Well, maybe. Maybe that's your jam.

There we go.

I know, right?

I'm readicted.

Oh, that was on the purpose.

Wait, have you ever. Have you ever been in a pornhole? Like, have you ever been, like, sucked into it or you just.

Not really.

Have you ever watched it or.

Well, yeah, totally. Oh, my God, I've watched. It's like, my job. Like, think about it. Like, I need to watch porn. Like, I need to try sex toys, too. Like, like, 20 pounds of sex toys delivered to my. I don't try them all. And I have a team. I have 10 people, and, like, take this home and masturbate.

Wait, sorry, sorry, sorry.

People that work for you, their job.

Is to try sex toys or watch porn. I'll be like, what'd you think about? I mean, it used to just be my job because I'm an entrepreneur.

Can I work for you?

Yeah. Done.

Yeah.

Yes.

We're all coming across.

Well, I did bring you some things, but. But, like, nope. Every time someone comes to my house, they leave with, like, a bottle, lube, sex toys, something. Because I love that. I love spreading pleasure because we. Again, I don't want there to be. You're like, I asked how I got shame free around it is because the more I talk about it, the more I'm comfortable with it. People like, oh, like, don't you already feel more comfortable right now?

Yeah, it's great.

It's like, yeah, there's literally nothing off limits. We all have sex. You're here because two people had sex. You know? Like, why is that weird?

Actually, I'm not ivf, baby.

Oh, you are. Okay, there you go.

My parents never had sex.

Wow.

Really Joking. They did.

No, but you're right. I can't make those assumptions.

They did. They did. But both me and my brother IVF were test tube.

Wow.

So, okay. I'm kind of.

Yeah, you get the.

Ha, ha.

I beat you.

I know it always comes up when I say that, but you know what I'm saying.

Yeah.

Like, sex is because people are like, we procreation. Like, it's a big part of, like, why we're here. But then why can't we talk about this part of it? So, yeah, my job is doing. I mean, not just sex toys. I do a lot of educating, but I'm like, that's a big part of it is like, what are the tools we can use to actually make sex better and less shameful?

There's, like, a bit of a stigma around it as well. I remember after taught the handle because we were kind of branded as these, like, sex freaks.

Yeah.

Because they're like, oh, it's $100,000, and if you don't have sex, you can get the money. But then I'm like, well, the point of the show is we probably should just do it.

Yeah, you did that, right?

Yeah, we did it, right.

Yeah.

And it worked for you. I think there was, like, a bit of a stigma around, like, I guess, sex talk or people kind of viewing themselves above people that talk about sex. Is there a way to kind of navigate that? Maybe you want to have that conversation with your friends or you want to be like, hey, like, what works for you or doesn't? Because I feel like that's really healthy. So some people are just. They put themselves on a pedestal that, like, that's, like, dirty.

Yeah, it's dirty. Even talk about it.

Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I think it starts here. This is why I love that we're having this conversation. Because if people are like, it actually is so helpful to be like, hey, dude, like, would you. If you're talking to a guy friend, you mean you could be like, what work? Like, was it. Was it hot? What have you learned? Like, what do you think girls, like, when you went last time, you went down on her? Like, how did you. What? What? Yeah, like, what have you learned? What was great? Does she have orgasms? Do you care? Like, how have you talked about sex? You know? So I just think. Yeah. I mean, I think we're gonna learn. We are gonna learn a lot here right now, but I think that it's just doing it and being like, I know, dude, this might sound weird or like, I'm.

Yeah.

But let's not make it weird.

Yeah.

And I. I'm like, be that person in your friend group that brings it up and says, I know this might be weird, but can we just talk about it? And then when you're in a relationship with someone saying, listen, I've found. And I would say, blame me. I'm like, blame sex with Emily. Be like, I was listening to a podcast, and I've been doing podcasts forever, so I've been a guest on hundreds of them. And I'm like, just blame me. And be like, this woman said that the couples who talk about sex have better sex. The couples who actually have healthy conversation, it's better. So would you be down and talking to me? I know this is weird, but, like, what's your biggest turn on? What do you think about what was. If you're in a relationship, you can say, what was the hottest time we had sex? Like, what was happening that moment and why? Like, just get into it. Be like, what was good for you, what didn't work for you?

But on the other hand, in relationships, if they say something about it, like, because I know some people get very jealous and insecure.

Don't talk about the highest sex you've had with somebody else with that person.

I thought you asked.

No, because I'm like, what's the highest?

I would be like, oh, my God. Okay.

No, I've made. People have misconstrued this. Yeah. Do not talk about your past sex life. Do. Don't. It does not work. And this whole body count conversation, I hate it. That conversation. So. No, I meant, like, we've been together a month or three months or like, so what was really hot for you this time we've been together? Did you like that make out? Did you like that time where we delayed it for a while and we were, like, teasing each other over dinner? Like that stuff with the two of you. I always tell people, like, what's your number? What's your number? And I was in that boat as well. I was like, oh. And then meanwhile, we all know that everyone lies. They cut that number in half. I think guys cut it in half. Yeah, right. They say that guys cut it in half and then add 20. So.

Okay.

And that's probably low for you, maybe, but. Yeah, right. So what is it gonna do? So if you're a woman, this is. Okay. This is like, grossly overgeneralization when it comes to genders. But typically women are like, if you hear she's had a lot of people, you might silently judge her you might be like, oh, that's a lot. Or she's thuddy. Or I don't want someone who's been with a lot of guys. And then women are like, well, he's a player. But you don't want to seem the number to be too low either. So anyway, the number is so loaded. But here's what I'm going to tell you. When someone does ask you how many we've slept with, you can say, you know what? I just want to focus on the sex that we're having or that we're going to have. I don't find that number is important because we immediately are asking because we're trying to orient ourself in this person's life. So they've had a lot of people. I got to really step up. Or they haven't had enough. Maybe they're like, we just. And none of that is true. So even the guys I've been with who have been with like hundreds of people or many lovers, they are not the best lovers. So unlike other things in life, the more you do something, the better you get at it. Sex is not like that. In fact, you could have slept with so many people, but that does not make you a better. Better in bed. There's so many reasons why, but the majority of women aren't probably giving you feedback. They're not saying, this is what I like. So how you get really good at sex is paying attention, asking questions, constantly being like, you know, what is good for you? Because every woman is different. So if you put a hundred women in a room and they were all masturbating, let's say, which would be hot.

Wow.

Yeah, they'd all be doing something different. Yeah, we can. It's a good experiment. They would all be doing something different.

Yeah, right.

And same with guys. So how can we make assumptions? But for guys, typically how it goes down is you're like, I'm hard. Let's go, let's have sex. But I might gotta tell you this, is that the majority of women are not gonna have an orgasm during penetrative sex. During. So they're just not. They need other things. And so again, it takes time to understand what she wants, even what he wants. I think that also my heart goes out to men because you guys just don't have this information either. And there might be things that you want too, that you've never had. So the more sex you have just means that you're doing it in the same way, but it doesn't mean that you're like a great lover.

How do you navigate the body count conversation? If you are a young woman and you're dating a guy that is insecure or whatever else and he can't move past it? Because I've had conversations with friends.

Yeah.

And they've been like, like, he won't move past it. I'm like, who cares?

Yeah. She could ask him. Tell me what, tell me more about that. Like, tell me what you think. This, Tell me why you think having this information is going to help you in any way. Right. And then you just cut it back to him, say, I don't feel comfortable. I don't think it helps. Like, this would be like my, like, if I could, if I could get this information out to everybody. Like, it's really not going to serve you. I'm not going to tell you that number because it doesn't feel important to me. It doesn't feel. I don't know why it's important to you. What are you going to do with that information? If you're like, you want to go play tennis and you're like, how are you a. You an expert? Are you intermediate? You beginner? That might be helpful. I don't play tennis, but I'm just saying, like, maybe it's helpful to know in any sport.

Right.

How much someone has played. But with sex, it just. What we are equating that to mean is if you've slept with a lot of people, first off, you so what? Guys do a lot. They're like all they can think about. Now. If I said to 20, you might be thinking of like 20 penises in the room or 50, you'd be like, oh, my God, were they better than me? Were they bigger than me? Like, it just, it just sets us off on this really unhealthy trajectory. So just for people to be like, I'm not talking about that anymore. It's off limits to me. Like, and if that's a no go for you, then maybe we can't be in a relationship. Like, the people who are obsessed with that number are caught up on this trajectory of like, it's going to tell me some information, but really it's mostly unhealthy information that's going to make people jealous.

Yeah. It doesn't benefit.

Doesn't benefit people at all. That's my advice is like, just don't do it. Find someone who's cool with you.

I'm fully getting sidetracked because I was watching this documentary yesterday. This girl, Lily Phillips, have you seen her do you know about her.

It's familiar name, but I don't know.

She's this OnlyFans creator and she slept with 100 guys in one day.

Oh, yeah.

And she's going. She's going for a thousand. But the documentary, she looked just so sad after it.

Yeah.

And I'm. I'm not. Have you got a hot take on that? Have you seen anything? Have you heard about it? Because.

Yes, I have heard about it.

She's trying to go for the world record and I just was. I looked at the video and she just looked really.

She probably is sad and probably really tired and probably has some STIs or something.

That's a lot of sausage.

It's a lot of sausage at once.

And she's, like, trying to. She's like, I want to make sure they have a good time.

I'm like, oh, like, wait, what about her having. Yeah, why? Like, why? I mean, I get it. It's probably good. Obviously, we're talking.

Yeah. Money's really great.

We're all talking about great sponsorships.

She's crushing it.

But to me, when I. Some of my team sent that to me and I was like, oh, God, poor thing. Like, why? It just seems she's not going to get better at it. It's to check things off. The list was in slow sex. Slow, deliberate sex where you communicate and you build up, like, foreplay.

It's the best.

The best. It's not just a suggestion. It's a requirement, especially for most women. Like, we are slow. And again, general. Some women are like, I'm not like that. But we are like slow cookers. Men are frying pans. Like, you see someone come in, you're like, I'm ready to go. We want to be warmed up. Tell us we're hot, make out slowly, undress in the aggregate. That's what most women want. So I don't know how she's having, like, a thou wants to be with a thousand people. That just seems, like, exhausting. It doesn't really tell me anything about her and her. I think it's just like a publicity thing because that doesn't mean anything. And how hard is that anyway? I could probably have sex with a thousand guys. Like, I don't know. I. I have not watched it.

Also, logistics would be incredibly exhaust.

Yes. What are the logistics? Why is she doing it? It's going to be painful. It's going to be like. And she looks sad. Probably because it's, like, exhausting. And she gets her, like. Like when we are connecting with someone, we get, like, these really feel good hormones. It's like oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin. When we're having sex, it's like the most delicious cocktail of hormones that makes us, like, attached to people and want to be aroused. And that's why the early stages of relationships are so hot, because we're like. Like, literally think of it as the best drug you've ever taken. And, you know, after a while, every drug is, like, amazing. And then it comes down. Like, that's the same thing that happens with these, like, love hormones or sex hormones. So for her, she's probably just like, oh, I felt connected. And now it's over. And she's riding this wave of, like, things that you can't really control.

I just also wonder what the decompression process after that would be as well. Like, and also, what's the end goal?

Like, what is the end goal?

She wants to break a world record, but what, Like.

Yeah, to me, that's like.

Yeah, do like a, you know, eating contest or I don't even know. Across the country, like, try and break a record like that.

I don't even know her background. Is she, like an only fans?

Yeah, she's an only fans. Go.

So that would make sense. But everything about that too is like, it's basically for. I don't know, I think a lot of it is for. For men's and we're talking about relationships, but it just feels like it's sort of desperate attempt to get some kind of attention. But I don't think that says anything about. Again, going back to what I said. Just because you've slept with so many people, is she having pleasure? Like, to me, what's missing a lot is the pleasure conversation. Like, what actually felt good. And I can't imagine that like a thousand guys, and they're probably going right. Pounding away at her like a jackhammer is actually feeling good to her.

Yeah.

So. Yeah. Because pleasure comes externally too, for women. It's not about the internal.

Yeah.

Pleasure.

Yeah. It's got to be really sad.

Yeah. Like maybe a thousand guys have, like, go down on you or make out with.

That would be crazy.

That'd be amazing.

Probably a bit numb, though. A lot of crazy time action.

Exactly.

Anyway, we're gonna move on.

You need a break.

Okay. You need a break.

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Okay, so there's a segment we usually do on the show called girl trivia.

Okay. I love it.

Where my producer, Amelia will ask me random girl trivia questions. I didn't know that you could pee with a tampon in.

Yes.

So I need to know about vaginas because clearly I don't know anything. And obviously I saw before you have a vagina puppet.

Yeah.

Which I was very confused about.

Yeah.

Like, do you take that everywhere? What's going on? They asked me to bring it, but.

I bring it a lot of places. This is actually a vulva.

Wait, okay, so this is a type of car.

Volvo.

Okay.

And I get.

They make vaginas as well. It's crazy.

So it's a vulva. And this is the vulva is the external part of the vagina. So the vagina is actually this internal part where babies come out and where they pee. Women actually have three holes, so they have the urethra where pee comes out and then they have like their peel baby's cup. Yeah. So. So that's the little flower. So this. Let me just walk you through it.

Yeah. Wait, why is there a knob? Okay. Sorry. Okay.

Okay, so this is the vulva. This is where all the. Remember when I said there was 12,000 nerve endings? Okay, so. So this is a clitoral hood. Not every woman has this. Okay. It's big. This is larger than it appears. So some women have a hood, some women don't. Meaning when they get turned on and aroused. This might go back.

Wow.

Right. But not every woman has it. This is actually the clitoris. So this. So do you know about the clitoris? The clitoris is like the. Okay, so the clitoris. The clitoris. So here's the thing. It's like this bulb here where I'm like, oh, that's like the magic button.

Yeah.

But it actually. This is what has 12,000 nerve writings. But I'm gonna like blow your mind right now.

Hell yeah.

This is. This is actually.

Wait, what the.

Is this a clitoral legs. So this goes this is the cl. So this goes right behind right here. Okay. So when I'm saying this is the clitoris. This is. The clitoris has legs. This is the entire. This is the little bulb. But this goes behind the labia. So let's. This is the labia. Wow. So this is where the magic is happening. All in here, right behind here. This is like the internal labia and the external labia, the lips, as we call them. So when you're playing around here and why women like oral sex and stuff is because all this has to be, like, turned on and aroused first. So. So most people don't know this stuff. Like, this is like, clearly this. Women don't know this. Like, it's. Okay, cool. Yeah, you're not. Right. So that's why when I. We talk about, like oral sex or like going slow, just like touching this entire part is so important. So external labia, internal labia, clitoris, like urethra. Urethra where, like, pee comes out, babies come out.

Sorry, Blood comes out. Babies come out of the pee hole as well.

Yeah, babies come out of the. Babies come out of the vagina. So there's the vagina and then there's a urethra.

What? This was the vagina.

So this is the vulva.

Okay. The vulva.

All external part is the vulva. So the vagina is internal. That's where the baby comes out.

Okay.

But the urethra, which is like right here where the little flower is, that's where the pee comes out. But the tampon goes in, in here. So they can pee through the urethra.

Wow.

I know. Should we take a minute?

Yeah. I need to go for a walk.

I know, I know.

This is incredible.

I know, right? I'm waiting to know how it works, but women, like. I'm telling you, you're not much more.

Complex than I thought.

I know. So what are you guys doing?

Can we figure this out?

Yes.

Let's get it less complex.

I know. We should like billboards and shit. We should have, like. This should be a required. Required learning.

Literally. You should be teaching this seminars. Well, you do that.

I do.

Yeah. Okay.

I've been doing a long time. We're trying to figure out, like, how do we just get this to the world? Like, why is this still. This shouldn't be. You know.

Yeah. Let's get Elon Musk to put on Twitter for everyone to see.

I know. He probably needs to know too.

He probably does, right?

He's been busy. And they're working on cars and shit. But you know, like, this is. This is the magic. I mean, first comes out, figure this out. You want to be boyfriend material. Like, we should get you like a blow up. Like, we got to learn this. Like, this is.

Well, it might be a bit intimidating. If a girl comes home, she's like, vagina in your.

I don't know. She'd be psyched that you were interested.

Well, I'm. Yeah. I'm sorry.

So this is. So that's why how the most sex happens. And you tell me if I'm wrong.

Okay.

You meet someone, you're making out. Maybe it's like slow. You're kissing close up. And then you're like, I'm hard. And she's like, yeah, I want it. And then you're like, I wish I had my. I forgot my penis puppet. I am not prepared.

I'm sure we've got one around here.

Best boyfriend award.

Yeah.

No. Do you think.

Is this magic to you? Okay, so you're gonna do this, right? Crap.

It's pretty hard to find the hole sometimes.

Yeah, right, Because.

Oh, three of them now.

Wait, I'm jumping up. I'm jumping ahead. So women. So you know when they're wet, like you want them to be wet, right? Always. But sometimes they're not. Does that ever happen?

Never.

Never. It's like me never seeing a flaccid penis.

Yeah.

But here's what you need to know.

Just always dripping when I walk in the roof.

Let me tell you this. Women's wetness level.

Yes.

Is unpredictable. Meaning it is not. It is not necessarily an indicator of her being turned on. Women can be wet and not aroused. They can be super hot and be like, I want you to. Can we. Do you guys care if we swear? Do you have a sponsors to carry? Right.

Do you think you literally have a vagina in your head's potato?

I don't know. Sometimes I can.

We swear.

So I want you to go. They're like, I want you to. But sometimes it is a little dry. Or like so different times a month. Like with her cycle, she might not be wet enough. Really? Yeah. And she might not. Yeah. Or. Or she's. Or she's wet at the beginning but not wet like an hour later. So. But how she does get aroused, what will help? I'm not saying she won't get wet, but like by the slowness, by like rubbing her labia. Rubbing all around here. Teasing, right? Her inner thighs, kissing her inner thighs, like moving in. And then she could start to feel roused. But a lot of times you're like, this is hot. Let me go inside of her. And then she might have some pain because she wasn't wide enough. So my. One of my missions is a lube. On every nightstand. Lube gets a bad rap. Lubricant. I brought you some.

Oh, thank God.

I know. Put it on. Really put it on your nightstand because it is. First of all, there have been studies, not many sex studies, but there have been studies that have shown when you add a little bit of lube to every sexual situation, women are more likely to orgasm because their clitoris isn't self lubricating. She might not. And also, if she's taking certain medications, birth control pill, antidepressants, that could impact her wetness level. But when she's more wet, first of all, you can get in easier. But also it helps her have more orgasms because if she's not wet enough, she can have tears. She can get tears. And if she gets tears, she'll get STIs. And then that's painful. Yeast infections.

No, we're over that.

So I brought you something.

And we need girls coming more.

We do need her coming more.

Yeah, we need more.

So that's why I put this right here.

You should run for Parliament.

Okay, I got you more gasm. Lube.

Who is more gas? What a name.

Isn't that fun? This is just the lube I grabbed when I left my house because I love this. It has. It has like, CBD in it and thc. This can help women.

Wait, my dick's gonna get high.

Yeah, exactly. This one's just fun. I love the name. I thought you. Yeah, so anyway, you rub this on her clitoris. It just helps to have lube. So those are just some mechanics that. Yeah, that could be great. But I would say that lube has been shamed a lot because a lot of guys are like, well, it means that I didn't do something right. And then she feels bad. But we don't even really understand lubrication.

What do guys need to know more about vaginas and. And getting girls going? Because obviously we need to take a little bit of slow. We need to slow down. Not trying to ram.

Slow down there. Yeah, go. Exactly.

Take them up. That's what I. Because when I was younger and feeling freaky, I'd be like, oh, my God, I have to have sex right now to do it. But then as I grow up, I'm like, okay, well, she's still gonna be here regardless, like, right thing. Whether I try and ram it in now or in 20 minutes.

She's not going anywhere.

She's not going anywhere. We're locked in.

Yeah, you gotta know that. Like that women's arousal like that women get turned on by like feeling safe. So when women feel safe, it's really hard. Like one night stands and like hook up culture is right. It's really hard for women, many women to feel safe in those situations or to have the most pleasure. Like she might have sex and she's like, that was really fun. Like a lot of times the hookups and the casual sex is like a great story.

Yeah.

And we like, we remember them because we're like, oh my God, I didn't think it was gonna happen. And he was so hot and I saw him. We went home, we all night. It was. But like when you dial it back, you're like, but was it pleasurable? Like did you feel all your nerve endings light up? Did you have an orgasm? Did you feel connected? That typically isn't going to happen with someone you met three hours ago at the bar at a party. Like it just doesn't work. Like it doesn't stack up that way. Like I don't feel as safe. Or if we're really wasted too, it's harder to have orgasms or we're too high. It's like, it's really fun because it helps you. The reason why we love to drink and to, you know, get high or whatever is because. Takes away our. Our. What's the word? Our, you know, our judgment levels go to our. Wait, wait, what's the word? When we. Inhibition.

Yes.

So our inhibitions go down. Like a lot of like crazy stuff I've done. It's actually has been like, oh, I was really wasted or I was, you know. But again, it doesn't mean. Did I Do I remember that sex as being pleasurable?

Right.

No, but it got me not to worry so much that I could go home with this person and have sex and it's a fun story. But when you. Great sex comes from like connection, feeling safe, actually being able to say. Like actually when you. Please don't go inside me yet, can you go down on me? Like most women again are going to come from a finger. I don't mean like, like digging around for change inside there. Because here's the other thing. If you're going in here, you're. I didn't even get into the internal part of the clear. Like this is where women's pleasure is. Yeah, it's up. Okay. So the g. So this is the Clitoris, but it's all this too. But the G spot is right here.

But some front part, further back.

Some are further back. Some are a little bit. They've nerve endings. But this. This helps to warm this up. Like, you're literally warming her up. But you could put your. But you're not going in here. So if you're just bypassing all of this and you're going inside. But for some women, their clitoris is closer to their vaginal opening, and this is all just their anatomy. So if you are going in, the women who can have orgasms, the 20. It's because.

Wait, 20.

Only 20 typically have an orgasm through.

Why is. Everyone I've been with comes.

They're faking it. They're faking it. I know women fake orgasms. I think that was not. I faked orgasm all the time. I faked orgasms until, like, my late 20s. I was like, I am. I am. I. And I'm like, this is. Why am I faking? This is. There's got to be a way to actually learn.

Yeah.

And so that's been why I started. I was like, I'm not gonna fake it anymore.

So when we did taught the handle, there was one of the, I guess, sex experts who was telling me that he had fingered over, like, 2,000 women because they come to him to be like, hey, I can't come. I have, like, this mental block. Is that something that you were dealing with, or is there something that, like, because they have a mental block, but they legitimately cannot come.

Thousand women, you mean? It's something I've dealt with, like, yeah, okay.

How do you work?

Great question. So most women. So what I used to think when I grew up and started having sex, I was like, someday my prince will come, and so will I. Yeah. Think about. I was like, he's gonna ride up on a horse. He's gonna make. He's gonna come into my life, and he's gonna make me come. So I thought that men knew what to do. I. I believe that men were shipped off to some secret school where they were learned everything because I had zero information. I didn't even masturbate. I don't know why, like, I didn't grow up with this. Like, it was wrong. But here's why women don't master it is because they. They or women don't orgasm is because sometimes they don't masturbate. They don't feel like they may have grown up in a home, like a religious background, where they were told that that sex is only for procreation. And even if they don't really believe that, they're still like, something about me having sex is shameful and wrong and I'm violating the universal law or something. So they, Some women, like three out of five women have had sexual trauma, sexual assault. So when they have sex, they tense up. They're not even conscious of this. But I'm just telling you what I've learned studying to millions of people. So for some women, they're like, they're tensing. And so when they're tensing their body, they're not able to have orgasms that way. And, and really they just haven't learned their bodies and what feels good. So what I'm saying is when I say they're going to come from a finger, mouth or toys, it's like, it's because when you're like.

This part, the touching, the using lube, the going slow, the breathing, like that's how she's going to orgasm. But since she feels like, well, you're getting off every time, like, and I've never explored it. Something's wrong with me and I'm broken. But. But most women just need to like, take the time, figure it out, masturbate. I'm like, women, you have to come first. You have to figure out your own body and then you can explain that to a partner. But a lot of women or women come from like rubbing up against something or when they're little. Like, some women are like, I had.

Orgasm, used to write a ride a pillow.

Yeah, they ride their pillows. They ride a horse when they're younger or they're in the shower.

They're coming from horses.

Yeah, some women come from bikes and horses in the shower when they're little, but they don't know what. They're like six years old. Like, I felt something good, but I don't know what that is. So some women, I would hate to.

Say that my first orgasm was from a horse.

I know, right? You're like, stop, I was riding a horse. But not all women, but some, that's because their clitoris is closer to the out. Like is more, has more nerve endings. Like, it's all anatomy. And so what I'm saying is that it's a, it's. It's a mystery to many women too. But since the converse going back to the most important thing is since we don't talk about it, we don't have appropriate sex education and we never take the time to learn ourselves. And maybe we prescribe it to men that they should know. Know it's messy, so we don't know.

How to organize them. We should know our bodies first.

Yes.

Know your body and then be able to communicate it, because, yeah, I think that would help so many people.

I think all people. I had to learn it because I was faking and I was not. I mean, it felt good. I'm not telling you it was bad, but I was like, I want to have orgasms. Like, I want to know what I need. So, like, sex toys are really helpful for me. Like, a little vibrator is great. Being like, I need oral sex or I need the fingers or I need lube. And being like, this is what I. That is. And I found that most women are like, yeah, me too. I need that too. And then why. We don't say that to male partners. Like, this is why. Behalf. My audience is men half as women and my podcast. Because they just don't know. So we. We don't want to say anything to you because we're afraid that you're gonna be like, and this could happen. This happened to me. Like, don't use your. Like, so sometimes we're having sex, right? Like, I'll have to, like, rub myself here because I, like, know that that's.

So much harder when I go to God.

But there's been so much hot, right? But some guys. See, I love this about you, but some guys are like, like, don't do. Like, that's taking away from me. Don't do that. Like, I can't tell you how many women have been like, oh, my partner doesn't want me to touch myself.

No, it's harder because then I'm like, okay, she's on. She's on the way.

Right?

Like, but then I'm like, don't tell me if you're about to, because then that's game over for me, right?

Like, so that's what she needs. And she could show you how to do it, but it's more like this mechanical stuff again. That's why she's not coming, because she's got. I. I say the re. The. The three reasons why we don't come is like. Or like, I call them the pleasure thieves is like, this is for men, too, who just have erectile dysfunction or whatever. Stress, trauma and shame and trauma is a really big one. Like, it could just be. You got messaging that you were a. You were told it's against your religion. Some guy teased your labia and said it was weird. So then every time we're with someone, we're like, oh, they're not gonna like my body. And then when you're in your head during sex, it's really hard. Hard to be in your body.

Yeah, there's. What is this? There's different types of orgasms as well, right?

Yeah, different types. There's like just.

Just for girls or guys as well?

Guys can have different orgasms too.

Where?

Yeah.

How? What? Yeah, I've just been coming once forever.

Let's.

Let's make.

Well, you might not love this, but. Oh, prostate orgasms.

Ah, no, I'm all good. Yeah. Wait, just. You just come from putting a finger back there?

Yeah. Finger or toy? Listen, the problem is that men have this magical, like, P spot. Like how we have a G spot. You have a P spot in your anus, this area that's about like an inch and a half, two inches up. But a lot of men are like, oh, that must mean something about my sexual orientation if I like something in my ass. And you're like, but I like women. Like, so it gets very confusing. Yeah, but if I was a guy, I'd be like, yeah, let me try that out.

Is it on the top of the bottom?

It's on the inside. It's kind of like the same way you find the God. I wish about my ass puppet.

Next time you have an ass.

I didn't bring my whole kit.

It's more like, you have an ass puppet. I have to. I'm a sex educator.

Wait, no, I got. I tried to do it one time.

Next time you come to my podcast, come to my house to come to my studio.

Yeah, and then I'll finger my house.

It's up to you. That's your thing. I can get a thousand women to figure your ass.

No.

Well, then you'll feel fine with it.

I don't need a thousand women figuring my. Oh, Jesus. No. Because I tried it one time. I was in the shower. I was at university. I was curious, and I'm like, I wonder what's going on back there. I wonder if I'll enjoy it. I didn't. I scared myself. I probably should have chopped my nails first.

Well, the nails. Listen, this is. Goes for fake. Okay, so you want to know advice for like. Like, women need, like, you gotta have a clean hail. Cut your fingernails, clean hands. Wash your hands, because then they could get an infection. Yeah, yeah.

We didn't need yeasty puss.

No, they don't want that. No, you don't want that.

Okay, but what if you're a lady and you want to bring it up to your man. Like, hey, I'm ready to finger your bum hole. How do we go about that? Or how do we start those conversations? Maybe you've been dating for.

Yeah, you're like, hey, what do you. You're like, you're at dinner like, you're.

Like, got a baby carrot? Let me see if that will go.

Yeah, you're like, what do you. What are you into? Would you be into exploring that? Like, I think it would be really hot, but you always want to start. No, see, I'm not a fan of just putting a finger inside because that can be, like, alarming. You're like. You're like, oh, we're doing that now. I don't know. I'm not ready for it. It. But just, like, putting a finger inside of her when she's not ready, it's the same thing. So I think it's more like, what are you into? Do you want to explore together? I have this guide on my website. It's called the yes, no, maybe list. It's probably been downloaded a million times. It's a free thing on sex with emily.com or probably. Yeah, that's probably the best place to find it.

Yeah.

And it has, like, 100 sex acts on it. It's a really fun game. So you and your partner can, like, look at it. I also have it on an app. You could be like, it has 100 sex things on it. Maybe 90. And it has a yes and a no and a maybe by every prompt. So it might say kissing. Is that a yes, no, or maybe Dirty talk? Yes, no, maybe. Prostate play. Yes, no, maybe. And then you can be like. And then you go together and you're like, oh, you're a yes for dirty talk. So you have a plus. Yeah. And then. But you can just come on your guesses. You're like, come together and be like, what? So it's a great tool for couples.

That's so genius.

You know, I got a lot of tools. I do.

I asked, wow, the toys. You got, the ass pillows. You got the questionnaires.

Well, because I want to make it less shameful to talk about.

Is there, like, a massive, like, cultural differences between sex in different places, or is it. Is everyone just the same?

Well, it's funny you say that, because I'm actually doing a show right now. I'm about to travel around the world and talk to people kind of like Anthony Bourdain style, but with sex. Like, how do people have sex? And so I would say in some cult. Yeah. So we're gonna go explore that. But I would say the biggest challenges are that most of the stuff I'm talking about and I think what I'm gonna find is this stuff. Like when you get down to the grant, like, relationships are different in different parts of the world. Like in some places, like, I know in Europe, like if you sleep with someone and you go on a date, I remember in this, like in France, like, we are together, like it's. It's unspoken that we are committed without talking about it. Wow. So that's more relational. But when it comes to actual mechanics of sex, we are all woefully under educated when it comes to how our bodies actually work and what we want.

Yeah.

So I think that sex education, the only place that we have accurate, comprehensive sex education is it like in the Netherlands. So in Amsterdam. I know it's right. Yeah. Amsterdam. Not even sexy. It is sexy. You go to the retail?

Yeah, I went in the red light district. I didn't go in.

What do you think? It'd be fine. She punched you in the face?

Yeah, I was. I was pretty drunk and I was 18 and all my friends went in and then I was like, you know what? I'm gonna do it. The second time I was in Amsterdam, I was like, I'm do it. I'm gonna. I'm gonna figure this out. I walked up really drunk, I started crying and I was like, look, I can change your life. You could be a teacher. You could be anything. And then she punched me in the face. And I'm like, okay, maybe she enjoys her job and I need to respect that. She was amazing, right?

She punched you in the butt. I'm sorry that happened.

That sounds dramatic. I probably deserved it. Probably the third girl I did it to as well.

What did you say? I could change your life? And she's punched you. You're like, I know.

Well, so you could be a teacher. You could do this, you could do that. Like, come on. I was 18, I had long hair and I was drunk as fuck. I couldn't change. Couldn't even change my own life at that point.

Exactly. Yeah, but she didn't like that. She probably didn't feel safe.

Definitely not.

But in those countries, they teach women, they teach sector at a very young age. And I'm talking like pre verbal. So what happens here in most places, we don't even name the parts. Meaning they'll tell a kid. Like, you know, when you're little and you're. Your parents are teaching you the parts. Like, those are Your toes and your knees and your thighs. A lot of times in our culture, we skip right? Or we go from the thighs, we're like, and that's your belly button. And you're like, what's happening here? You're wee. Wee. Or your vajayjay, we don't call it. So that starts the shame because you're like, well, I can't even name the part. Part. So in the Netherlands, they're like, they'll name the part. They'll say, that's your vulva, that's your vagina, that's your penis. So it starts very young. They are. The problem with our culture and most cultures is that when we teach sex education, we teach a lot of fear.

Like, it's scary.

Pregnancy, don't get pregnant. Here's where your period, here's how you have a baby. So people have been traumatized by like, they're like, yeah, my sex ed. They showed us like a baby coming out. But what about. So that's fear. But they also teach pleasure. So they teach education, comprehensive sex ad has pleasure in it. Like, here's your, here's your friggin 12,000 nerve ending. Here's your penis. Here's what you need to know. So those, those are the places in the world that we feel good about.

What's the number one asked question you.

Get from women is why can't I orgasm?

Right?

Am I broken? And I say, for men it's probably, why can't she orgasm if they're with the women? And then I would say, in relationship, the number one question is mismatched desire or libidos. Why do I want more sex than my partner? And I'm going to tell you this. I used to assume, like, there's so many like myths and things that are not true. And I always grew up believing that men wanted sex all the time. And women were like, not tonight, I have a headache. But what I found is that in relationships, no matter what the genders, there's always someone with a higher desire, someone with a lower desire. And people want to know, how do we want to have sex at the same time? Like, what do we do if I want it every day and he wants it once a week. And believe me, there are men. So it comes back to communication is lubrication. You talk about it, you're like, okay, I realize that I want sex more than you do. What can we do? And then you figure out, like, and this is like really getting into the graduate. This is like this book. I also brought you a copy of my book that I wrote last year called Smart Sex Sex and it's about like, how do we actually. It has. I talk about sexual intelligence, sex iq, which is something that I just made up for the book. Like how do we actually understand our bodies? To know if I'm in a relationship, here's when I want to, here's when I want sex. Like I don't want it in the morning. I'm actually more turned on at night. The weekends are better for me. And you have to like troubleshoot because for some people at night they're just like, I'm exhausted. I don't want sex right now. But it doesn't mean I don't want it like at 3 o' clock in the afternoon or on Saturdays when there's less, less stress. So we have to troubleshoot our own sex lives and we have enough self knowledge to know we can talk about it in a way that doesn't feel bad. So I teach couples and I also started a, a community, a membership called Smart sx. It's like a membership community where people all over the world and it's an app where people come together and literally no, they don't come together yet. But we, they ask questions. I bring in sex experts and sex coaches to teach people how to communicate, how to ask for what they want, how to learn what they need. So because we don't again, we don't talk about it. I help couples have these conversations, just individuals. It's for everyone. How do I know my body? How do I explain what I need? How do I unlearn what didn't work for me?

It's kind of freeing.

So freeing.

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In an old episode, I did talk about, you know, how guys feel embarrassed if a girl wants to use a vibrator.

Yes.

What do you have to say to those guys? Because I. I love it. You know, I used to have a thing on it. I would buy a vibrator in every different color, and then I'd be on a date with a girl. I'm like, oh, what's your favorite color? And then once we come home.

Oh, that's okay. How'd that go?

It would be great. And then I'm like, I'm actually. I'm being a bit of a slut. I need to just calm down because I'm spending hundreds of dollars a month on these libraries when I should be coming to rob your house.

Well, exactly.

Yeah.

Next time you come. Yeah. So, Yeah. I love. That's, like, sweet, though.

Is it?

I mean, no.

I mean, I feel like that's.

I think it's thoughtful. It's very fuckboy. Yeah. Like, I.

That was peak, Harry.

That was peak. And now you were growing up.

Now I'm getting ready for marriage.

Are you. You sure?

Mentally, okay? Yeah.

Yeah.

Emotionally, you're ready?

Almost.

Well, yeah. After the whole situation with my old man, I started really thinking about it. Yeah. And I said I was telling my friends about it. That, like, I was just thinking about, like, oh, am I husband material? Am I someone that I would. I would want to. That I could see getting married? Because I look at a lot of my friends who are in, like, happy relationships and. Or they're married. I'm like, oh, they're a perfect couple. Like, oh, why would it work for them? And I realized, because I did the work to get to there, and I never really did the work. I just kind of was having fun. A very unserious approach to relationships.

That's why therapy would be good for you.

No, it's been great, but now it's.

Like a lifelong journey. Yeah. Anyway. On your own. It's so hard to figure on our own. Like, that's why I think it would be good, especially after your dad. But we don't have to into now. I think it would be.

Yeah. Wait, do you think I'm boy material? Yeah. Let's get that. No. Okay. Don't answer it, don't answer it. Don't answer it. You post. It depends on the girl.

It depends on the person. What does that even mean? Do you want me? Okay, so I. We'll get back to the sex story thing, but do you actually, like, does it feel good? For you? Like, when you think about being with one person and being monogamous and just having that, like, does that. How does that make you feel?

Makes you feel excited, to be honest, because I think that I've had a very, like, colorful and interesting dating life.

Yeah, for sure.

Where I've had, you know, all flavors of the fruit. So now I'm also just like, well, those one night stands. One, like, at the time. Sure. Very exciting.

But then they left with the vibrator. Like, that was good for them.

Yeah, yeah, it just was. But it's not fulfilling. Like, it's not like, okay, like, we learn about each other.

Yeah.

We don't have any depth. Like, the conversations in the morning. Like, some days I'd be putting stuff in my calendar. Like, I have to go, I'm so sorry. My day's really busy.

Yeah.

So, like, it doesn't get me excited. But I think after the trip back with my family, seeing all the kids, being with my mom, seeing her, like, I really want a grandkid. Stuff like that made me go, oh, actually, well, I'm kind of just.

Yeah.

Maybe wasting time.

Yeah. No, I love that. I think that's when it changes and you're like, oh, I'm actually ready. And so then what that looks like is learning to have conversations with someone about your deepest vulnerabilities. Like, I think the thing that happens in relationships is we don't know how to say the things that we think we can't say. Like, not even just about sex, but about, like, things that you. That you're fearful about or like insecurities and knowing that someone has your back. And like, communication overall. Like learning to be relational, like learning how to be a great listener, learning how to ask questions, learning how to, like, support someone, show up for them. That's the stuff that makes you great. Like boyfriend material and being honest and. And, you know. Yeah. So I don't. But you seem like you have such interest and depth, truly, that you get there. Yeah. No, I think you had to go through. We all go through that. I think a lot of us go through that. And so. And you might get out there and be like, you know what? Actually I do kind of just want to sleep around. Like, that's all okay too.

Yeah.

But you learn in each relationship so.

Well, I don't know. I think, like, being back from that, obviously you've been through a lot. I've put a lot of, like, whereas before, I would kind of fold to a lot of maybe female attention and a bit. Oh, I should go see this person, that person. But now I'm, like, really kind of reluctant to text people back or to talk to anyone or just. Just even see anyone, because I'm like, I don't.

That's good, though. That's healthy. You need some time. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't want to, like, go back to that and be like, I just want to focus on myself.

Yeah.

And then when the. When I'm ready, I'm sure the right person will come.

Yeah, that's really. No. Can I just. I want to say something like, that's. That's such a great. Like, I think. And I. Okay. I just want to say, like, I get it. Like, I used to be that way. I started a show called Sex with Emily. I was like, I love attention. I love getting. My men always want me. Like, why don't I just start the show? I've gone through changes too. I'm like, I don't need that anymore. Because is. I used to think I needed that attention from everyone, and now I'm like, I'm so good with myself that, like, I don't like, because at the end of the day, it comes from, like, that was trying to fill up that huge hole inside of me. And you realize it'll never be enough. Like, I could get so much attention from. From men or from people. And then you're like. But it still feels empty. And then I'm like, okay, so what is that hole? That hole for me was like childhood trauma or issues or things I had to work on and then building my own own self confidence. So what I'm saying is, like, I love. And I got to a point too. I was like, oh, I don't. I don't actually need this anymore. I don't. I really don't need it. And I gotta do this work so that I can show up for someone else and be a good partner. But it sounds like you're there, but it doesn't just happen. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, I'm working on it. Okay.

Back sex stories.

No, we did talk a lot about sex, and there's a lot more.

Sex toys are your teammates, not your enemy. They help. For the majority of women, they. They have so many nerve endings in and out like a toy. Like your penis doesn't vibrate. It just doesn't. And vibrations are healing and can feel great. And they're also great on a penis.

What are your thoughts on celibacy? Because we talked a little bit.

Yeah, right. I mean, there is a celibacy movement happening right? Now it's so funny. I was on the Today show this year. They called me. They're like, I've been on a few times, but it's never been talked about. Like, I'm like, I'm sex with Emily. You want me to come in and talk about celibacy? But there is a movement right now.

Do we hate those people?

No, we love those people. We love those people. No, I loved it. I was like, how funny that I'm.

Talking about not having sex. Yeah.

No, I'm like, listen, I'm not like, everyone should be having sex all the time. We should be mindful about when we want it, when we don't. And so the celibacy movement is mostly being led by, in, in America, at least by women who are like, I've been on this dating treadmill. I am having a lot of sex that doesn't feel good. I'm dating like guys that aren't making me feel about. Good about my self worth. I'm just gonna stop having sex for a while. So I kind of. What you just said, they can really like focus on myself. They find that sex is distracting or they're not able to make good decisions. You know, because I want to name it when we start dating someone new. Remember I talked about those feel good hormones and that, that attraction, the honeymoon phase is we all want that all the time, every day. But it doesn't last. Like, it's literally a biological condition that lasts from six months to two years where we have that, like I said, those delicious cocktail hormones in our head. That's like, everything's new. I've never touched this person before. We've never done this thing. But that isn't gonna last. So I think for celibacy movement is like, I think it's great if you want to take a beat, be like, I'm just. I'm not gonna have sex for a while. I think that's helpful.

See, that's where I'm at.

Yeah, I love it. Good for you. I mean, literally, that's been your career. It's built up like, how can I not have sex? I gotta have sex. And all these women wanting. I can't even imagine. I'd love to sit down, look at your DMs. Like, that's. And that's so exciting. Like, that's so like, oh my God. But when you. But now you're at the point where you're like, huh?

Like there's even people I don't have sex with that get me in trouble.

And we should have just fucked, right? At least I would have gotten something to remember this by.

Yeah. At least you would have got disappointed and I would have came.

At least you'd really be mad at me about it. Gets tricky. Yeah.

Silly.

I know. Maybe you take it. Maybe take some time and, like, think about what you actually want.

Yeah.

And I want to just. Yeah, you're going through. I mean, it's really hard to be in, like, grief or conf. And then be like, I'm just gonna have sex, and then that'll feel empty because you're like. It felt good for a minute, but now I want to do my feelings.

Longer than a minute. You know?

What, 10 minutes?

Maybe. Yeah. 15. I don't know.

Okay.

Good at pumbo taste.

You're not a minute man.

When I'm on Lexapro, 40 minutes.

Really? Yeah, that's what happened. But think about, right?

That was half the reason I was on it.

That's why half of your jobs last longer. Well, yeah. Yeah. It delays your ejaculation.

I swear to God.

Now what's gonna happen?

I started seeing this girl and she's like, no, guys, I haven't lasted this long. It'd be like, hours. I'm like, yeah, I don't know. Just is what it is, you know, I can't help myself. And then once Alexa Pro started to really, like, settle in, and then she's like, oh, you must love me because you're coming a lot quicker this time. Like, yeah, I'm really in love with you. Yeah, we got to be together. Never spoke to her again anyway.

The women on antidepressants, why they can't orgasm.

Yeah, get off him, guys. No, stay on them. Yeah, do whatever.

No, don't ever just go off them randomly.

Don't do what I did.

Taper off.

Okay, this is a really interesting question. Okay, so when you're dating someone and their partner is subscribed to someone's only fans, what are your thoughts on that? What are your thoughts on people watching or.

Yeah, I mean, I think it's a case by K. Yeah, I could see why that would be very triggering.

Yeah.

Because we don't really have an understanding of. You're like, well, and I know that I used to do this too. Like, if someone's watching porn or they're doing that, like, that must mean that I'm not enough. So it really goes to our. Like, I abandonment things or like, I'm not enough for you. And the one thing I want to say about porn and masturbation is like, obviously the guys are gonna masturbate in a relationship, out of a relationship. Like, they're gonna do that. It's not really related to you guys be jacking off. But I could see why that would be. Like, if you're like, you're paying money.

Yeah.

You're paying money to. So I think it's a conversation. Like, tell me. So this is what we have to practice, and this is gonna help you be good boyfriend material. Is that when we. A lot of times things like that, that upset us and we lead with anger, we're like, I can't believe you're paying this money a month to see someone. You'd be like, yeah, I noticed your subscriber. This is what we have to remember in our most calm, compassionate voice and chill.

Huh.

Tell me more about that. What does it do for you? Like, tell me about who. Why do you follow her? Like, let me. What is it about it? Like, what do you. I want to know.

Like, I want to be curious.

Get curious.

Yeah.

Get curious and listen and then slash his ties exactly the second you leave.

Yes. Get curious.

Yeah.

Find out more.

But, like, this is what we don't do because it's so, like, I'm feeling, like, threatened and abandoned. That's why we don't like our partners watching porn. But I'm always like, just understand their masturbation habits. Like, maybe for them, it's a huge. For many guys and women, it's a stress release to have an orgasm. You're like, it's calming or it keeps you awake or whatever you need at the moment. So just really understanding. But I also understand, like, it's a case. Some couples think that's cheating.

Yeah.

Some people are like, oh, yeah, I get it. That's just his thing. But I actually feel better because I understand it now, and it doesn't really bother me.

What about it on, like, a lower scale where people get upset about liking photos on Instagram?

That's a big one, too, I think. Again, tell me about liking that photo. Like, what does that. Is it because, like, what's behind that when you're like a photo? Like, just understand it. But I get why that's upsetting too. But I think we go way too far with that. Like, so what?

Yeah.

What do you think?

Well, no, I've been in a situation where I would like everything on my feet, and I just tell her, like, oh, no, I just like, everything. You can watch me. I kind of care. And then. And then I saw that it was actually, like, Pissing off and making her sad. So I was like, okay, I don't have to do that.

Yeah.

It's really not a big deal either. Or. Yeah, I saw it. Like, if it's upsetting you, then let's talk about it. But, like, don't rip my head off.

Yeah, right. I think it's just, again, we are always looking for signs where we're not going to feel safe.

Yeah.

And so that can be really upsetting to see someone doing that. But if I told you we're in a relationship, like, that doesn't feel good, then you. Yeah, you just don't. Don't do it. Yeah, but I get that too. So we're like, I just go in and like everything. I don't. It's like a habit. Like, oh, Sometimes people just, like. It just makes me feel better. But that's why these conversations. Listen, you gotta talk.

Okay. Apparently, as couples get older, they start to sleep in each other's room and in separate rooms. Is that a thing?

I don't even know if it's older. I think it could help a lot of relationships, but yeah, sometimes.

Okay, so your team.

I'm team. Like, I'm team figuring out what works for you. But this whole, like, living apart together movement is what it's called, like, the lap movement. Separate bedroom, separate home. Sometimes, I mean, it's hard when you have kids, but, like, listen, it's really hard to move in with somebody and want to have sex all the time. So when you have your separate space and your separate time, you're like, be kind of nice. It's freaking nice. It's really hard. I don't. I like living alone.

I know how many shoes I got.

I know you gotta share this space. It's really hard.

You know, sometimes, like the. Actually, a lot of girls on date, they just like, spread out and stuff and stick the whole bed. Like, I'm six, five.

Yeah. Yes.

Actually, you know what? It. I'm gonna do this. If I get married, we're having separate rooms.

Separate rooms is a m. Because also we need our space. Listen, this goes down to, like, everything that we're taught about relationships, which is very zero things. We see one model of relationships. You get married, you stay with this person for. You have kids, you stay with each other forever. It's the only person you have sex with. But we're not going to give you any information about how to actually keep the desire going. While separation can help people feel more attracted to each other. Like, what if just one night a week you share the bed or night away. Why is that wrong? Like, you know what I mean? Like, we get to decide. So I love that you even asked me that. Because people can go, huh? Yeah, maybe that doesn't work for me. Maybe I do want a separate bedroom and we have one room that we sleep in or we visit. I think people move in way too close, move in way too fast without actually realizing that's going to dampen your arousal.

Yeah. Also feel like it's not a bad thing on a relationship.

No, it actually can save relationships, for sure. Yeah. They snore, they get up at different times. Why do we have to sleep with someone?

Yeah, let's get up early. Yeah. Have you sleep in.

Exactly.

Okay. Do you believe in. You lose them the way you get them. That saying you lose them the way you get them. So, like, okay, that person cheated on their boyfriend with you, and then now you're dating and they're gonna cheat on you with someone else? Because that's happened to me. I've definitely lost it. How I've got them.

It's something to note, I think, like, yeah, if someone cheated on you, they might leave you. They might cheat on you again with someone else. I think we see a lot of examples of that. But again, I'm such a. I'm not a fan of being, like, absolutes. And so if someone, like, cheated on their partner and then got with you, I think it's like, understanding, why did it happen? What was wrong in the other relationship? Why did they cheat? Do they. How do they feel about that morally? How do you guys put things in place so, like, that doesn't happen. But I think also when we're. Okay, so I'm a. I'm a reform cheater. I used to always cheat. I like every partner. I never got. I never got caught either. I don't know, really.

What did you do?

I think women are better at cheating, to be honest.

For sure.

But I, I. This was, like, a long time ago, but I was like, oh. I finally got to the point where I was like, oh, that doesn't feel good. Like, I know I was doing it because there was another shiny thing and there was always people to have sex with. Like, you know when you say, like, I'm always dating people who are emotionally unavailable, people say that usually it's because you're emotionally unavailable. And I wasn't available. I was. Was, like, always looking for the next shiny thing. I didn't want to work on whatever issues I was having with the person that I was Tired, having sex with. And there was always someone else and that, that was that feel good thing. Like, now I'm gonna get more attention. That's gonna feel good. Like I was still in that cycle, but I'm not in that cycle anymore. Like, I just wouldn't do that anymore because I know it doesn't feel good and I'm just like dating right now too. But, like, I just, I just know that, how that feels and why I do it. I've just done so much work that I know that like, like that's not fair to this person. So you kind of can gauge it by if that person's son, they're like boy or girl, like faith, it probably will happen again.

Yeah.

But depending on the stage of life, where they're at, why they did it, you know?

So I don't believe in that saying, once you're always the same.

I don't believe that saying, once a cheater, always a cheater. Okay. Yeah.

Good. Yeah. Because I feel like again, people, they just have to acknowledge that.

Yeah, they have to acknowledge it. They have to change and say, I'm really working on this. Here's why I would get in these triggers. I felt like I wasn't. Because for me, again, I didn't even. But it's so hard. I didn't even know it, but I wasn't talking about. I wasn't like actually expressing what I needed in the relationship. I was just going to find something shinier and. Yeah, newer, but.

Hey, listeners, Harry Jowsey here. I'm so excited that boyfriend material has officially joined Sirius XM family. I can't wait to share all of my relationship advice with you each week. If you want to hear new episodes ad free, subscribe to SiriusXM Podcast+ on your Apple podcast or visit siriusxm.com podcastplus to start your free trial today.

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What about the saying, if he wanted to, he would. How do you feel about that?

I don't. I don't love that phrase.

I don't like that either.

No, if he wanted to. Tell him. Tell him. He doesn't know. He's not a mind reader. There's. They're not stupid, but they're not mind readers. Well, I am, and he doesn't know. And even. What? Maybe. Yeah, but even, like, if you tell him. Here's the thing. They're like, oh, but I told them, and they didn't do it. How many times does it take someone to learn a new skill or a new habit just because you told them to do something? Yeah, so I don't believe in that.

Okay. How do you recommend couples keep this spark alive after the honeymoon phase has died out?

Top. Communication is a lubrication. Keep talking about sex. Keep exploring. Download the. Yes, no, maybe listen. Make sex a priority.

Well, that was it. Is there anything you want to plug?

Oh, my God, no. I guess just my podcast, Sex with Emily, got episodes on every single topic. I have a membership. If you've been wanting to, like, learn how to communicate and have better sex. It's called Smart at Sex. I have a store where I sell all my favorite sex toys.

Joining. I'm signing.

Check it out. Check it out. Well, guys, Sex with Emily everywhere.

Yeah, Sex with Emily everywhere. Thank you so much for coming. If you did enjoy today's episode, please give her a follow. Please find her. Please have better sex, because that's. Look, would. Would stop World War 3 if we were all coming more, It'd be way better. But if you did enjoy today's episode, like, comment, subscribe. Make sure you follow us on Spotify and Apple, because a lot of you guys listen but don't follow, and that's very naughty. And you're gonna have 10 years bad sex if you don't follow the podcast. If you do, you're gonna be coming every time. All right, we love you guys. Thank you so much.

Thanks for having me.

That was great.

So fun.

Sam.