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Oral sex is to be enjoyed by the giver and the receiver. Which is why I do spend so much time in Smart Sex, my book. I have a whole chapter on how to actually receive and give oral sex because I think a lot of us are pleasers or we get caught up in the moment. We think it's about our partner's pleasure, but there are ways for us to sort of have our cakey needed to give our blowjobs and enjoy them too. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberates the conversation around sex. It's another Hotline calls episode and my wonderful and talented producer Erica and I are answering more of your juicy questions. And thank you all by the way for trusting us with your questions. I know they're intimate and you really share so much with us and we really appreciate it. Today we're tackling your questions on how to set boundaries on blowjobs, how to help your partner ease into rim jobs, what to do when your partner consistently goes to the strip club, and navigating polyamorous relationships as a non primary partner. Again, if you want to leave a voicemail with your question, please do just call my hotline 559-talk-SEX or 559-825-5739. You can also leave me your questions or message me sex with emily.com Ask Emily Please Rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the podcast. It just helps get the podcast out to more people like you. You can find us on all social media. It is Emily at Sex with Emily. And don't forget to check out my new articles, vaginal health solutions you didn't know existed and how to give an erotic massage on our Website sex with emily.com all right everyone, enjoy this episode.

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This is from Jane, 38 years old.

Hi Emily, My name is Jane. I am a 38 year old woman and in a heterosexual committed relationship. I have a question that's really bothering me and I would love to get your advice on. I recently have gotten several sore throats and actually now a throat infection from having aggressive, rough oral sex. At least that's what my intuition says. And I believe that it's happening. And possible my thoughts are, I don't think that my boyfriend realizes how aggressive he's being in the moment and I have tried to communicate that to him and he seems to think that that's not possible and it's not because of him, but I think it is. So my question I guess would be have you heard of this before? Aggressive oral sex causing a bad sore throat and throat infection. And then is that something that I should be concerned about in terms of a long term relationship? That he's not really respecting my body or that he's not respecting that he could be inflicting pain on me When I have brought it up to him, he's not open to discussing it or maybe even saying, oh, okay, I won't be as aggressive next time. I'd love to hear from you.

Oh Jane, Jane, Jane. Okay. I am so glad you asked this question because. Oh like, okay, let's just take this one thing at a time. First, I love that you talk about your intuition and I think that we don't listen to that enough. And what you said was you believe that it's the rough oral sex that is actually impacting your sore throats and that your thoughts are that you don't think your boyfriend realizes he's being aggressive. I would go with that only because you further on explained to us that he's not open to discussing the fact that you're Having any kind of pain. You're telling him that you have pain, and he's not open to discussing it.

Exactly. That, for me, is kind of the red flag, because we hear a lot of cases of people having aggressive sex. Maybe that's influenced by porn. Maybe that's something he's seen, like, pushing someone's head down on someone's penis. And I could see that maybe being something he's unaware of, as Jane suggested. But if she's brought it up and he doesn't seem open to discussing it, that is where the red flags go off for me.

Yeah, you've brought it up to him. So I don't even care if you're like, oh, I stubbed my toe, or I have this infection, or I'm not feeling well. You're in a committed relationship with somebody, and part of being in a relationship, hopefully one of your non negotiables, is a partner who's concerned with your physical and mental health. He's, like, not concerned with it. Doesn't think it's anything he's doing. Well, it's your throat after oral sex hurts when his penis is in your mouth.

Yeah.

Like, that's like. What other evidence does he need here? I'm assuming, Erica, that he's pushing her head down, not letting her come up for air, and he's doing one of the, like, choking, gagging, like we've seen in porn. And so only, you know, like, we're not there, Jane. But is that what's happening? Is that what's happening? Cause you sound, like, a little bit like, your intuition, but also you're not sure and he's not sure. But wouldn't we all parties know that that's a little bit aggressive? Oral sex school.

Yeah. Like, I have to assume that's somewhat painful, if not extremely uncomfortable. And I don't know. I know people are into aggressive sex, but it has to be something that you are both into for it to be mutually satisfactory, consensual. And if you don't want to shame him, you could just say, hey, I want to know more about why is this a fantasy for you? Maybe you could even, like, see, simulate the aggression without actually acting it out. Yeah, that aggressively.

Exactly. You could use your hand to, like, do the tightness and put your mouth as a tip. Like, you don't have to actually do the act. And also, not only might it not be consensual, but is it even pleasurable to you?

Right.

So I want to know, where are you finding pleasure in this relationship? Because the Other thing might be when you have a conversation with him about you guys going to have to kind of rework your oral sex game here, because whatever it is, it's not providing you with pleasure. And then you have the opportunity now to tell them what you would like more of. So it's more pleasurable for both of you.

Exactly.

And any partners, how could they disagree with that? Like, let's talk about what feels great to both of us.

Right?

And when you're giving oral sex, it can still be pleasurable. It's not just about the receiver.

Oral sex is to be enjoyed by the giver and the receiver. Which is why I do spend so much time in Smart Sex, my book. I have a whole chapter on how to actually receive and give oral sex, because I think a lot of us are pleasers, or we get caught up in the moment. We think. Think it's about our partner's pleasure, but there are ways for us to sort of have our cake. You need it, too. Give our blow jobs and enjoy them, too.

Love it.

Okay.

Love it.

Thanks, Jane. I appreciate you. We got Ryan, 62, in Massachusetts.

Hey, Emily. My name is Ryan. I live in Massachusetts. Love your show. I'm 66 years old, and I've been married for 39 years. My wife and I have a great sex life. We don't get it on as much as we used to get it on. I guess that's understandable. Lately, I've been trying to get her to give me a rim job. I love ass play. I love hers. I love the probe, and she's good with it. She won't give it back to me, and that concerns me. And I think that maybe part of it is she's a nurse and she sees the medical. She may see it unhealthy or what have you, but that to me, just stimulates. And I think that can just ratchet up sex life to back to where it used to be. So any tips on overcoming that would be great. Thanks. I love your show, Ryan.

Thank you for your question. 39 years. Amazing. Congratulations for that. And still working on trying new things. I love it. First of all, we define rim job for everyone. Rim job means, I think what you're desiring here is for her to lick around your anus, the opening sphincter muscles, that whole area, maybe a little finger. Eventually. That's what I'm hearing from you. So first, I want to normalize the fact that anal sex has been around for a very long time. However, for straight men to want to have anal play for many people is still a very foreign concept. A lot of women were not given this opportunity. It didn't really come up. There's a lot of connotations around it that might not always be positive. So, yes, I think maybe it has to do with her being nurse. Maybe it has to be that she's been with you for 40 years and it's a new area. Remember, we all get uncomfortable when our partners make new suggestions for anything. Like, why don't we start to not watch TV at night anymore to read books? Or why don't we start to hike more? Why don't we start to do anal sex more? It's always like a. Like anything new and you guys are in a pattern. There's going to be some concern. So I understand that. And so I think having some more information on it, talking about it outside the bedroom, explaining to her why it would make you feel good, definitely doing it maybe in the shower would be a great place to start when you already are clean.

Especially if she's concerned about hygiene, which it sounds like she is asking for a friend. Like, what are other tips? Like, I don't think I feel particularly comfortable with it.

Yeah. With rimming.

Yeah.

Yeah. I would say the tips would be to make sure that your partner's clean or that you're both clean. And it could help, like when you're giving a blow job just to kind of. Because you're kind of like fit your tongue around there. You can kind of like start to lick around, like, their perineum. Maybe you can turn them over and, like, spread their cheeks apart. You can add a little bit of lube to make sure that it's already. Because lube feels good. Flavored lube would be delicious. We've got some Joe flavored lube on our website, which is selling quickly. Oh, my God. Everyone's gonna want a rim when they taste this lube because it has, like, what is like mint chocolate and caramel. It's delicious.

Oh, yeah. Like raspberry delicious.

So I think that maybe getting some lube and maybe you could find a scene in porn or something where she gets what it is. Because sometimes people need to see. See it to understand it. Like, this might just be like a totally foreign concept. Like, she's thinking, what are you going to get off the toilet? And then we're going to sit down. I'm going to lick your ass. Like, you need to let her know that it's going to be clean. It's going to be consensual. She could Even maybe start with a finger and then just play around. Give her some more information and then give her some more tools.

Right. I wonder if. Has she engaged in any type of anal play with you? Like maybe rim jobs aren't the first one if she's never touched you before.

Yeah, that's a great point. Maybe she starts with a finger. Yeah, maybe she starts taking a finger and tracing it around your sphincter muscles, your anus, with a little bit of lube. She could just start there, see how it goes. Listen, she could also use a glove. She could even use a dental dam, which would also feel good if she felt that there were some jams. She could use a dental dam over you, which is just basically a condom cut open, just like a flat piece of latex. So those are some places to start.

I love that. I mean, a dental dam. You got me with that one. That sounds great. And also maybe just do her a favor and really make sure you clean up beforehand. Give her that ease of mind.

Yeah.

Like, do your due diligence. Yeah.

Let her know that you're doing it, too. Okay, perfect. Thanks for your question. Don't go on do not disturb, because we'll be right back after the break, answering more of your voicemails.

This from Sarah, 42, in Florida.

I have an issue that's going on in my home. My husband is definitely the one with the most sex drive. He always wants sex. He always wants to have fun in the bedroom. And I'm. I'm tired. I'm tired most of the time. But I'm trying to open up my mind, and I'm trying to meet him halfway. And we've had some fun. I had my first orgasm ever recently, and it was amazing. But he also told me that he enjoyed the strip club. On our last night out, I joined him, and I was very uncomfortable with what went on in there. I was very uncomfortable with the fact that the men are able to touch the girls. They pay them to sit down and have conversations, and if they're catching them in public while they're on stage, well, then I can only imagine what's happening in the private rooms for the private dances. My husband assured me that when he goes there, he just enjoys a meal or a drink and watches. But either way, I'm just not comfortable with it. What I have found is there's some nights that he tries to initiate and I'm just not having it. I'm not in the mood. He'll get up, he'll leave the house, and I'm guessing he's going to the strip club because he comes home very late at night. I am not at all comfortable with it. Don't know what I should do. Don't know where to set the boundary or how to do it. I'd love your help.

Okay, so I can see why this might be uncomfortable. What I like is that he's been honest with you, that he likes going to strip clubs, and he actually wanted to take you there for the experience, to show you like, this is what it is, and I want to bring you into it. And so I appreciate that because I understand that there's a lot of people who really find strip clubs confusing and concerned about how the. The sex workers are treated there. And I also know that it's kind of similar to things that we hear about porn. People have a really hard time when their partners watch porn or when their partners go to strip clubs. So I sort of put that in the same sort of bucket for many. And it's like, you know, our partners can have different ways to express their needs and all that, but. However, the thing that stuck out for me here is that he tries to initiate sex. You say no. I picture him, like, leaving in a huff. And he doesn't tell you where he's going. This is your husband. Like, I don't know about you, but my partner says where he's going. If my partner walks out of the house, he tells me where he's going. So the fact that you have to make these assumptions and he's coming home late at night sounds like this has gotten into a little unhealthy territory where you're both not getting your needs met and you're both not having, you know, really what you need in this relationship right now. You said that your husband is more of a sex drive than you. That's really, really common. You know, in a lot of relationships, usually there's one partner who has a little bit higher sex drive, but there's ways to work around it. As I talk about often, I think it would be interesting for you to try to talk to him about what you guys could do together, what you might need to be more in the mood for sex. Like when you had that orgasm. I love that you said your orgasm at 42. What was happening then? What was that night like? What were the moves that worked? What made you turn down that time? Can you think about that and start to have more of those instances in your life so you can have more time connecting with them?

As you said, mismatched libidos are so common. And as someone with a higher libido, if your partner turns you down, I feel like that's a great time to get curious about what would turn your partner on, what would get them in the mood. Maybe it's like getting the house in order, as you always say. Like let everything else go that's on in their lives and their minds, make them just fully on board for sex. But if he's making you feel bad about not wanting it and then leaving you for the strip club, I wouldn't feel secure to want sex with my partner either.

That's it. He's not making you feel safe and he's not giving you room to explore your arouse at all. So, yeah, it's definitely conversation about what can he do for you to make you in the boot. Yeah, for a lot of people we hear like housework or making sure they help. Like you're tired. I'm not sure if you have kids, you didn't mention that. Or if you're working a lot. Why are you so tired? What kind of support do you need? And how can you take care of yourself? So you do feel like you're in the mood for sex. Like, what do you need? What do you need from him? What do you need for yourself and what do you need from the relationship? And hopefully you're gonna find that he's able to talk about this with you so you can find a path where you're both having more pleasure.

And I also appreciate that she was open enough to go to the strip club with him in the first place because clearly her concerns are coming from actual experiences and observations versus assumptions. And so I feel like that only adds to her case for any boundary she wants to set, any conversation she wants to have.

Absolutely. You did the work there. That was a really big thing to do. You didn't love it. Now it's his turn to do something for you. What could he do for you? And that might take some work to kind of think about what you might want, but hopefully you can start having some healthy conversations with him and see where that leads.

Have more orgasms. Have more orgasms by yourself, with your partner.

Yeah, let's set up more days for that.

Exactly.

More nights.

More nights.

All right, let's know how it goes. We got you Kristen, 36, in New York.

Hi, Emily, I'm Kristen. I'm a 36 year old, cisgendered heterosexual female, single, ish, living in New York City. I've been single and have been casually dating around for the Past eight years or so. Through that I have learned to love and value my independence in life. I recently met a man who lives in a different city and is in an open marriage and identifies as polyamorous. He is wonderful and the situation really works great with my life. We've quickly formed a strong connection and we both acknowledged we have strong feelings for each other. Which I should mention is totally within the rules of his open situation, but something I never really expected to happen. I have suddenly found myself in a long distance polyamorous open marriage relationship. I've been trying to find other people's accounts, articles, books, advice, anything really on the situation. From my perspective, the non primary partner of an individual in an open marriage. As one can imagine, a lot of feelings and questions arise from not only the couple in the open relationship perspective, but but also for mine. I've come up empty with all my searches and I'm feeling very frustrated with the lack of information and advice from the secondary quote or quote outsider, end quote. Most things I found are from the couple's perspective, which only further perpetuates and reaffirms the wider acceptance of coupledom in America which many of these open relationship structures are actually trying to dismantle and challenge. So my question is, do you have any advice or resources of information for someone like me, the non primary partner in a budding relationship of which my partner is an open marriage? Thanks so much.

What a good question.

Great question, Kristin. Okay, so let me just catch everyone up real quickly. So Kristin is 36 years old, loving her independence and she is now though dating a man in an open marriage. It's long distance and it's working for her. Sounds like she's have a good relationship. It's open, the wife knows. But she's also probably coming up against some challenges. Maybe it's jealousy, maybe she wants to see him more often. Maybe she's not really sure how to find other partners. When she's like, does she tell them that she's open? How does she go out there and do it? That's what I'm hearing. I'm hearing that in all of your researches for open relationships, polyamory, ethical non monogamy, you're not finding anyone in your situation and so you are looking for a resource or a podcast or a book that will be helpful for you.

One of the main questions here is like why do you want to be in a polyamorous relationship, especially a long distance one?

I find that really interesting because it sounds to me like you either you really are Busy and it totally works. Or maybe there's something else going on. I know I can speak from experience. I used to love to date people and be in long distance relationships because I do didn't maybe even want to be that intimate with somebody. Maybe I had some fears around intimacy and commitment and I wasn't as able to be vulnerable and it felt a lot safer if someone wasn't around that much. I didn't have to go as deep and be as vulnerable. So I'm just putting that out there. Is it really working in a way that you need right now? Because I actually don't know what your challenges are now. If you're experiencing jealousy, that's really common for people in nonmonogamy. And most people in any kind of non monogamous structure experience jealousy at some point. And then they learn to talk about it with their partners, be vulnerable about it, be really real and let them know, when you do this, it makes me feel this way. And a lot of times they'll find that when it happens and they talk about it, they're able to sort of problem solve together. Their partner might have compassion, have some empathy for them. And then they're able to kind of. It just becomes less charged, they have less jealousy. They're not to move through jealousy. So that's one thing.

Also, even as the non primary partner, your feelings are just as valid. And as if his open arrangement allows him to have feelings for someone else, then he should be able to cater to your feelings when you're feeling jealous or insecure. Like, you shouldn't have to discredit or downplay those feelings just because you're not married to him like his other partner.

You said you're developing feelings for each other. So that also means that you're also allowed to have expectations. Totally. And you're allowed to set boundaries and you're allowed to tell him, this is what I require from you. I'm gonna need a call every night. I'm gonna need a FaceTime once a week. So I think it's okay to have demands. And I think that a lot of us worry that like we're gonna scare our partner off. No matter what kind of relationship we're in, if we're very clear with our boundaries and our desires. Honestly, the more real and honest we are vulnerable with our partners, what we truly want, the more likely a, we're gonna get our needs met, we're gonna get what we want, but B, we're gonna find out, can this partner be there for us? Are they Listening. So they might not be able to give us everything. I'm not saying he's gonna give you everything just because you asked him, but maybe there'll be a way to compromise. There'll be a way to sort of find out more about what he needs. Maybe he has some similar needs. Maybe he has some needs that are a little bit different. But then you guys will learn how to navigate both of them. So it's really just practicing your communication here.

Even if he is another partner, you should still be able to get what you want and need out of that relationship. And if you want to see other people, make sure that you're giving yourself that time to go out and meet people. You know, maintaining any kind of long distance relationship is a lot of work and time.

I think that's such a good point. It's so important to keep dating, keep yourself busy, say yes to parties. If people invite you, go out like you're always going to meet people. I think when we go out and we kind of take risks and we don't just kind of put all our eggs in one basket. But again, maybe she likes that because she's busy and she's got a life. I'd say some excellent communication. And I can give you the names of some books. We can put them in the show notes. How about that?

Perfect.

Okay. Thank you so much for your question. And I really just think healthy communication, being vulnerable and being patient. Thanks, Kristen.

That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter or X and Facebook. It's all Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on sex with emily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life or dating or relationships, call my hotline, 559-TALK SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or just go to sexwithemily.com askemily. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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