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The hand job is a lost art. And I don't know why we ever stopped giving hand jobs. Well, actually, I should say because the blow job has such great pr. Everything's about the blow job. The blow job. But I'm telling you, the hand job doesn't have to be something that you leave in junior high school. The hand job can be just as hot.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. All right, today we're highlighting a humble but really hot sex act. The art of fingering. Or as I like to call it, hand play. And when I say hand play, we are talking about penises and vulvas here. So many people though, think of it as a stopover on the way to penetrative sex. But for many vulva owners, they can actually orgasm more easily from hand play than penetration. And for penis owners, it can feel incredibly hot too. So let's get into it. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the podcast. It just helps get the podcast out to more people like you. You can find us on all social media. It is at Sex with Emily. And don't forget to check out my new articles, vaginal health solutions you didn't know existed and how to give an erotic massage on our website, sex with emily.com. all right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

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So today's show is about something that everybody could use a little refresher on, including myself. I got inspired when prepping for this show because, you know, there's a lot of things we could do to spice up our sex life. You know, we talk about positions and we talk about toys, we talk about products and lubes, and, you know, this show is chock full of tips. But specifically hand play, AKA fingering, Using your hands during sex is a lost art. I don't think we often think about that. Two of the most powerful accessories pretty much all of us have are our hands. Our hands are so effective at providing more pleasure to ourselves and our partners, but sometimes we forget about it. And I'm here with my producer Erica today because I really just wanted to get into this. We want to talk about using our hands. We want to talk about fingering. We just sometimes get right into sex, we go right into penetration, and we forget that hands can really uplevel the pleasure that we're feeling during sex in pretty much any situation. From kissing to obviously hand jobs, foreplay, all the things prostate massage, prostate massage. Even, like when you're making out with someone, remembering to, like, stroke your partner's cheek, play with their hair. I want you to re examine your hands as one of the most useful tools in your sexual toolbox.

Emily and I were talking about how hands are one of the things that take sex from feeling mechanical to feeling like a really intimate moment. If you're so focused on how you're kissing someone, the techniques you're using, you're forgetting about using their hands to think about your partner as like a whole person rather than just someone you're having sex with.

Even just saying that, like picturing, like, someone's hand on my face or on my neck, it makes it more intimate. You instantly feel more connected. It also you feel more at ease by someone's hands touching you or holding someone's hand during sex. You know, I think about the classic romantic move of, like, making out and then, like, stroking their cheek. The reason why we love all these moments and why they're sort of something that we fantasize about or that we crave is because it's just more ways to feel connected but also to stimulate all these nerve endings that we have all over our body. And while this might seem obvious or intuitive, for many of us, it's. It's just not. Because, again, like Erica's saying, we sit sort of frozen. And like, right now, I'm doing missionary or I'm going down to my partner, but there's nothing like, you know, in the middle of a makeout, maybe like grabbing your partner's ass or, you know, grabbing their face and kissing them or gently caressing their face, or if you're going down to someone applying a finger using both hands, you know, that's something that can just really elevate sex.

And I feel. Feel like your hands really set the tone of the energy. If it's a gentle caress, sex is going to feel more intimate. If you're grabbing their neck, it's going to feel like a heightened passion. It's going to feel maybe a little more aggressive or rough. It completely sets the tone way more than your technique giving a hand job.

The other thing about this is sex is so centered on penetration. And, you know, like, one of the missions here on the show is to get people to realize that, like, there's so many other ways that we can have pleasure. And so for the majority of vulva owners, I just want to remind you that how we're going to orgasm is through hands, mouth, or toys. Not necessary. Through penetration through a penis. And actually, vulva owners are more likely to orgasm when you penetrate with a finger. And if we can give you some techniques to make that more accessible, that's why we're here. And also, since the majority of vulva owners require more clitoral stimulation to have orgasm, we're also talking about using your own hands during any kind of sex that it's okay to bring your hands into the bed and show, like, your partner what you like or just to continue to give yourself what you need. This has happened with partners before. I would touch myself, and a partner would feel threatened because they would think, well, I'm not doing enough to you, or they would sort of just be offended by it or probably mostly intimidated. But really, it can really kind of help take it to another place. It can help you have more orgasms. Your partner can learn by how you touch yourself. So mutual masturbation is something we talk about a lot on the show. When you are showing your partner what you need or what you like, that's like a gift, right?

Especially for vulva owners, we require clitoral stimulation during penetration before, and Emily was reminding me in prepping this episode, vulva owners are more likely to orgasm during penetration if they've already had an orgasm first through clitoral stimulation or through stimulating the G area through fingering. Which is why in heteronormative couples, it's so important to prioritize fingering or oral sex before penetration and not just like, oh, warm my partner up. A couple digs around in there for three seconds and then skip right to penetration. It's not something that you just stop over. It's really something. You take your time, you practice the craft, you bring your partner to orgasm and then you can move on to other things. Or if you're in a same sex relationship, this is one of the main events, which is why it's so important.

It's that drive by fingering that doesn't work. Or that one lick wonder, like someone who goes down on you for like 30 seconds, that doesn't work. We're talking about the art of hand play.

So now that we've touched each other all over, we've teased each other over the clothes, should we dive in? Should we penetrate?

Are we ready for penetration?

Are we ready for penetration?

Yes, I think I do.

We consent.

We consent. We can. Is everyone consenting to us? Moving on to the vulva right now. Let's start with the vulva.

Let's start with the vulva.

Okay. We don't all know how to touch a vulva, even if we have one. So maybe it's a refresher for some. Maybe this could be new information, but let's get into it and why touch is so important.

So important. We also want to acknowledge that fingering isn't for everyone. I actually do love fingering, but I've forgot how much I loved it for the longest time. I. Because of Emily. I'm really good at asking for my needs, but I, I always ask for oral before penetration. I forgot to ask about fingering until I was talking with a friend and she was like, oh, I forget to ask for oral sex. And I always just get fingered before penetration. And I'm like, oh my God, I forgot how good it. It is.

Forget.

And some people haven't had great experiences. There's a lot of ways for fingering to feel not so pleasurable.

Yeah, I could feel clinical, like you're going to the gynecologist, like a pap smear. Maybe you had a bad experience. Experience with fingering, too. Maybe somebody did it. It was too hard, it was too aggressive.

Not lubed up, right?

Not lubed up. I mean, come on dry hand jobs, dry fingering, it doesn't feel good. Or maybe they didn't have, you know, their hands washed or their nails trimmed, which is really important. But I guess we could cover the basics first. I know if I've gone out to dinner with my partner, we've had a date, and they haven't washed their hands. I'm like, we just had a really big meal. I saw you touching onions. We had some spicy food. You do not want that toast to be transparent. Anyway, stay away from the body parts. You have to wash your hands before any kind of touching, any kind of sex play at all. And you want to trim your nails. You want to make sure they're clean and trimmed, especially for any kind of penetration. Because, listen, this areas, these thin membranes, whether you have a penis or a vulva, they're thin and they can easily tear or rip. So let's just remember handplay 101. Clean the nails, trim them, wash the hands.

And tearing, we know, can lead to a higher risk for STIs, which we obviously don't want. But Emily does have actually a great hack for if you do have long nails, like, let's say you have acrylics or just long nails in general, there is a hack.

There is a hack. Put cotton balls over your nails and then put a latex glove over your hands. And so this way, the cotton ball is a barrier protecting you, so you can still penetrate your partner. But you don't have to worry about the nails poking them, because that is a problem. Nails will tear your partner up. So get some gloves.

Definitely need to have lube in the gloves, just like you need lube in the fingers. Lots of lube. Or an arousal gel.

I love arousal gels, too. I'm such a fan of arousal gel because they're kind of like a twofer. It's definitely a lubricant, but it also provides a sort of tingly sensation when you apply it. And Morgasm actually has CBD in it, too, which is great for pain and arousal. So how fun. During this foreplay or fingering, when you put the arousal gel on takes a few minutes, you'll start to feel warmed up. You'll start to feel aroused and tingly, and then you kind of move on to something, to whatever comes next. The thing about these gels, too, is they help promote blood flow. So again, when you do penetrate with fingers or anything else, it's that much more amazing.

Guys, I have to say, one of the best perks about working at this job is We. We get to try out the samples, too.

I know when she's like, when she comes over and she leaves, I'm like, wa. Did you try this yet? Did you try that yet? Because it can't just be my vulva.

Deciding which these are tried and tested.

I generally want to know. Like, we. We all have to test it and try it so we can also talk about it.

Let's, like, put ourselves in the moment. Remember, slow teasing and arousal is the name of the game here. So starting around on the external, around the vaginal opening is great. Stroking the labia. The labia is packed with nerve endings. It actually. Y' all haven't seen a picture of the clitoris. The legs go through the labia, right?

Yeah. The legs extend behind the labia. The clitoris is not just a little bulb that you see, but there's like 12,000 nerve endings in it. And so the labia, the perineum, the inner thighs. I mean, start with gentle touch. You don't want to go right for the clitoris, but when you think about using your fingers, you could stroke back and forth. You can stroke up and down. You can play with different movements. Use your fingers in, like, in a circular motion. You can put your fingers together and sort of tug or squeeze on the clitoris, the labia. So you want to play with your fingers and see what actually feels good to a partner. You also want to play with different pressures. Maybe they want a harder pressure. Maybe they want a soft, feathery touch. There's different ways to touch a vulva owner. And I don't think I've said this in a while, but I'm going to remind you that if you put 100 vulva owners in a room and they were all touching themselves, they would all want different kind of movements and touch, and they will be touching themselves in different ways, like a circular motion with the pads of your finger, or back and forth, or up and down, going fast, going slow. Playing with different sensations so you can see what actually feels good. And don't forget the lube. Now, this is how we're going to also get warmed up and turned on. Pay attention to your partner. Is their breath quickening? Are they, you know, moaning? Is their face getting flushed? Also, the clitoris swells. The vulva swells when we're more aroused. So you're going to be getting your signs right there. So pay attention. This is like when people always say they. They're in their heads too much. During sex. A great way to get out of your head is to Simply pay attention and to be present and attuned to your partner's body and their reactions, because they're going to be telling you exactly what you need to know about your touch. How is it going? And hopefully, if you're the recipient, you good about sharing with your partner. Oh, that felt great. You know, don't stop or. I liked it a little bit softer. I liked it a little bit harder. Could you go back to this spot? And there's no shame in showing them with your own hands or taking their hands and placing it over your fingers. Because we are the experts of our own pleasure. We know what feels good, and then.

It really does feel collaborative. If you are moving their hand, like, let's face it, they don't always hit the right spot on the first try. That's no problem. Just show them exactly where you want to be touched. Maybe it's a little to the side of your clitoris, the external part. Maybe it's a little lower. Like, only, you know. So don't be afraid to guide your partners. Don't be afraid to tell them, oh, that feels good. Or, like, a little lighter. It's super hot.

Just in, like, talking about it, like, yeah, like moving their underwear to the side, too, so you still have, like, the fabric on and you can play with either side. Because everyone's a little bit different. Like, some people, their left side of their clitoris or their labia is more sensitive or the right. And, you know, this is all on us to figure it out first. But if you have a willing partner, you guys can figure it out together. And then you're gonna know, and then you build on it. Every time you've sex, you're like, oh, I know when I say sex, it's any kind of sexual activity.

Exactly.

You're gonna know that this is what feels good. And this is the fun stuff. I mean, this is what makes sex really fun and collaborative. And if you're reading my book Smart Sex, you know how important collaboration is and communicating with your partner. Do you know what feels good to you? Do you know what turns you on? Do you know how to explain that to a partner? Do you feel good about that?

So let's get into the main event for this episode, the actual penetration with the fingers. How does someone begin? How does someone make it feel really good? What are things to keep in mind?

We've been touching on the outside. We've been maybe massaging the clitoris, the labia, and now it's time for the penetration. So you want to put a Finger inside of you. And I would start with one finger going slow and seeing how your partner reacts to that. And then you can add another finger. Now, when you're going inside of a vulva, we all want to know about the G area, right? Or the G spot, as we call it. That is sort of a main event, because for many vulva owners, that's where they're going to feel the most pleasure. And since we've already been turning our partner on through this, like, slow touching arousal process, you might already find that it's easier to find the G area, which is a raised, bumpy, rough area about an inch and a half to two inches inside the vaginal opening. And you want to put your fingers in a come here motion, sort of towards the belly button. I mean, think about, like, you're touching the belly button from the inside. That's what we're going after. And you'll feel a rough area. And what you do there is you just want to apply pressure. Now, if you are the recipient, it might feel like you have to pee. Doesn't mean you have to pee. Maybe you do have to pee. That's why I always recommend going to the bathroom before sex. But usually this motion will sort of mimic the feeling of having to urinate. But stick with it, because when you're applying direct pressure to it, that's also how you can build arousal and might just lead to a internal orgasm.

And what kind of stimulation feels good? What are the different kinds?

You apply, like, direct pressure. Repetitive motions feel really good, too. Once you find something that feels good on a vulva, you want to keep doing the same thing. You don't want to keep mixing it up, so your partner will let you know. It could be like moving your fingers in a sweeping motion over the G area. Typically, it. It doesn't feel great to just do aggressively in and out really quickly. I mean, it might for some, but I'm talking about building towards that. So you're stroking, you're moving your fingers, you're exploring different nerve endings, and you're seeing, like, what kind of reaction are you getting from your partner. Now, when you're doing this, you can also take your other hand and you can cup it over the vulva. Because when you're externally cupping it, you're also applying pressure to the pelvic area, which is indirect stimulation to the clitoris. So what you would do is you would just put your fingers together, and you would take that palm, and you would just place it over the pubic mound.

And Emily's palm is kind of rounded right now, as if you're, like, trying to hold water in your palm.

And you would take your hand and you would apply it over your pubic mound. Your pubic mound is the area that either has pubic hair or doesn't have pubic hair. Either way, you know, it's the variable right above the vaginal opening. But just like, set your palm on that area, and you don't necessarily need to be moving it around. You're just cupping it. That's a really grounding, safe feeling, which can feel very comforting. It can feel warm. It can start to sort of warm up the entire area. So while you're inside, your fingers are, like, stroking the G spot. You can take your thumb and you can start to tease the clitoris. You can start to rub it in circles, move back and forth. You can, you know, apply a firm, consistent pressure. Or you can do, like, a feathery touch. It's a way of, like, stimulating all the parts at once. You could also take your other hand and you can, like, play with the nipples. You can, you know, play with their thighs. You can, you know, move your hands around and start to stimulate a lot of different areas, which just means more pleasure to be had.

I also love a little hand mouth combo that is like my favorite.

Where you, like, maybe you start with fingering, or maybe you start with oral sex, and then you're licking the clitoris while fingering them and stimulating their G area. It just feels incredible. It's like you have that kind of more intense stimulation sometimes from the fingers, and then you have that lighter clitoral stimulation from the clitoris. And for me, it often is a precursor to penetrative sex. Not all the time, but that combination really gets me more aroused. The saliva is making me wetter. Even though we're also using lube.

Of course. Always using lube. Yeah, that's a good point. I just want to say here that for oral sex, using your hands is a big part of it. Whether it's oral sex on a penis or a vulva, sticking a finger inside and just seeing, like, how does that feel to a partner? Usually it can feel amazing because especially if you started with oral, you're already arousing them, turning them on, and then remember, everything becomes more engorged and swollen. So when you put a finger inside after you've already been going down on someone, it can feel so good. Yeah, so good to be the next level stimulation that your partner needs. And that could also be what takes them, brings them to Orgasm.

And remember to start with one finger first, then bring in a second, maybe a third if your partner's into it. I also love some toys in combination with fingering. And guys, check out the articles on our site, including, we had one called six Essential Sex Toy Hacks, some of them which elevate your fingering game. Absolutely. One of them I was so shocked when I heard this one is you take a vibrating penis ring and you put it over your two fingers that you're fingering your partner with. So while you're penetrating, that vibe is also stimulating their clitoris. What? I was so shook when I read that.

Yeah, I love it because it's like you could use a cock ring for what you use a cock ring for. But it also is a great clitor vibe, or you put over your fingers. It turns your hands basically into a vibrator. It's great to bring toys into the mix. If you just have one toy that's maybe for a penis or for clitoris, it doesn't matter. Remember, vibrations feel good on many parts of our bodies, so you can use these toys in different ways. So, yeah, that's a fun way to do it. It is. I mean, actually, a penis ring is the perfect clitoral vibe. And remember this, that when we're talking about vulva owners, nipples are so great to stimulate on a vulva owner, like grazing your fingers against the nipples, squeezing them, it can feel really good. And remember, the nipple stimulates the same nerve receptors in your brain as genital stimulation, which is why it feels so good. It's literally the same receptors. And for many vulva owners, they can have a nipple gasm. And I think that a lot of vulva is like, oh, no, I can't have one. It's like, but have you tried to have a nipplegasm? I think that we don't even think that we can.

Just a reminder. As we were saying in the beginning of this episode, you don't want to get so locked into one thing while you're fingering someone, while you're going down, just reach your other hand up and do that. Your other hand should be doing something. Whether it's like grabbing their body in different ways, touching their inner thighs, they're reaching up into their hair. It makes it feel less mechanical and more intimate.

Exactly. And their torso feels really good. Their neck also, you could be going down in them, and you could use both of your hands to kind of ground them. So you could have your hands on their thighs holding them down while you're just Using your mouth, too. So just make sure that your hands are in the mix. Either you're reaching up, you know, you're teasing their nipples, their torso, or both hands are grounding them to the floor. So it's sort of a companion tip to the grounding feeling that you get from vulva cupping. You can also get it just from having hands evenly placed on either side of their, like, inner thighs, their hips. Grounding them down.

All right, penis owners.

The hand job is a lost art, and I don't know why we ever stop giving hand jobs. Well, actually, I should say because the blow job has such great pr. Everything's about the blow job, the blowjob. But I'm telling you, the hand job doesn't have to be something that you leave in junior high school. The hand job can be just as hot, okay? You can use both hands. You can play around, you can use a lot of lube. And sometimes we just don't feel like doing other things. We're tired, Whatever. It mixes it up. Huge fan of the hand job.

Personally, it's easier to go back and forth between a blow job and a hand job because your jaw gets sore.

Yeah, your jaw gets sore. And when you are giving a blow job, remember, you don't always have to be going up and down with your mouth. You could be giving a blow job, and then your hand is around the base. Your hand could just be sitting around the base of their penis, or it could be moving up and down with your mouth. So hands are crucial to giving a great blood job, too.

But let's focus on the hand job for a little bit. Let's really give it its moment. Okay, what are some, like, good techniques people can try? How do people start? How do people build tension?

Just like the vulva, you don't want to go right for the penis. You want to start to tease around the inner thighs. You want to move your hand towards the penis. Maybe you start to hold the balls in your hand. You start to, like, tickle them a little bit. Hold them in your hand like you would like Benoit balls. You just kind of want to hold them gently. You don't want to be, like, squeezing them too hard or twisting them. You want to go gentle, but start to play around that whole area, inner thighs, balls, and moving towards the penis.

And ask first. Not everyone likes their balls to be touched.

That is true.

Some of them really like it.

So remember this about the penis. At the tip is the most sensitive part of the penis. So you could just sort of start with your figure you know, maybe one hand on the base of the penis or the balls. And then you can take your thumb or your fingertips over the tip of the penis, sort of just to warm them up. And then you can start to take your hand and move it up and down the shaft, stopping at the top, then rubbing again over the tip and then moving it back down. It can be one hand, and you. You don't want to have too tight of a grip, and you don't want it to be too loose either. So it's somewhere in the middle with again, the hand motion going up and.

Down, maybe a little twist in there, twisting, coming up over the head.

And then see how they're reacting. I'm telling you, some are going to like it a little bit harder, some are going to like it a bit looser. Definitely have lube. I know you might be thinking about saliva, but why mess with saliva? The thing about saliva is you're just relying on saliva. You might not be able to muster up enough of it. It's not always consistent. So have a little bit of lube here.

They can feel the difference, too. And you could feel the difference. It is a completely different slide with lube versus saliva.

And it's consistent, and you know that it's there. And I'm telling you, if your partner's like, oh, no, what a hand job. Maybe they've only had dry hand jobs, let's just be honest. So when you add lube, it can feel just that much better. And if your partner's still squeamish about lube, just give them a hand job with some lube, and then they're never going to, like, give you that attitude again.

And you can also use two hands again. Similar to vulva owners, you want to be maybe rubbing the other hand up and down their chest or grazing their inner thighs, or one hand is on the shaft while the other one's on the testicles. Or you can do both hands around the shaft, even if you can't fit the whole fist. Maybe you just do like, two fingers on both hands.

Remember that the frenulum is the other most sensitive part of the penis. On the underside of the tip, where the tip meets the. The shaft. The frenulum is a little nerve ending that you can also, when you're playing with the tip of the penis, you can take your thumb and rub it over the. That nerve ending on a circumcised penis where they've removed the skin that is part of the most sensitive still. Now, if your partner is not Circumcised, then the hand job was a little bit different. You can play with the skin that's still left there. Now, the people with penises that are not circumcised might be a little bit more sensitive. So this is where you also might want to ask. Ask them what kind of touch and pressure feels good to them. And the perineum is also a wonderful place to play. The reason why the perineum is so great, and we're talking about the area that's in between the anus and the balls. Because that area, when you just stroke that, you take, like, the pads of your finger, and you stroke that area packed with nerve endings. Plus, when you apply pressure to it, it's sort of indirect stimulation to the prostate.

Let's get into some upgrades, too. If you've listened to this show long enough, or maybe not even long enough, you know that we do not discriminate in terms of who gets to use toys and who doesn't. Vibes feel incredible on penises, and that especially goes in for hand play.

Yes, vibrators are so fun on the penis, also covered with nerve endings. So if you have a vibrator, any kind of vibrator, you can move it over the shaft, you can put it on the balls, and yeah, bring in some finger vibes. I love the Dame Thin vibrator. It's a finger vibe. So essentially, it turns your hand into a vibrator. And you can use it in so many different ways. But when you're giving a hand job, if this is on your finger, it'll feel amazing. Oh, you know what else is an adorable one is the oh my bod Love life and rev finger massager. It looks like a little heart, but it's so fun because you can put two fingers in it and use it to massage the shaft, the balls, the tip on a lower setting. Usually these toys have a small round vibrator attached to, like, a finger loop. So you just are holding them in your hand, wrapping around your fingers. And so wherever you touch, they're having the benefit of that vibing sensation. Also great to apply to the perineum while giving your partner a hand job. And the Gram bullet vibrator, by lawand would be great for this. Luand makes really fun toys, and they have this adorable bullet vibe. And remember, you can use these on a penis, a vulva, the nipples. Find all of these on shop sexwithemily.com by the way.

So now we've gotten into how to stimulate the vulva and the penis with the hands. But we kind of teased nipple play earlier. But let's get into some of those secondary erogenous zones.

Okay, so secondary erogenous zones are such an important part of your sexual repertoire. They're so highly sensitive and nerve packed. And usually the only rogue and stones that we pay attention to are the greatest hits. The penis, the vulva, the anus. But remember nipples, so many nerve endings, like I said, they stimulate the same areas of your brain as your genitals, which is why it can feel incredible when you stimulate them. So please don't forget the nipples. There's also the inner elbow. That is a really subtle erogenous zone. But the area here is thinner and has more veins, which is why it's sensitive. So this is a really nice one to pair with hand play. While you're giving your partner a massage or maybe you're making out, you can just kind of gently move your hands over their inner elbow. Even when you're going down on them, you can be like, reaching up for their inner elbow. The sides of the torso. That's also really sensitive. You can just brush your fingertips over the nerve receptors here. Like, all great. Like, just don't be sitting on your hands during sex is what we're saying. Like, reach up, reach out, use your fingers. See how it feels to your partner. You know, we don't know unless we try. And hopefully you're with a partner who's really open is going to tell you it doesn't feel good. The neck, the neck area is also really sensitive. This includes the jaw. There's just a high concentration of sensory receptors in the nape of the neck and the jawline. Which is why we see in all the, like, romance films with, like, the partner is like kissing them and then they're like, you know, taking their fingers and tracing it over their jaw, their neck. It's because it's a really intense, sexy erogenous zone. So don't forget about that area. And also the mouth, the mouth. You can put a finger in their mouth. You can take your thumbs and sort of rub it around their lips.

I think it also feels really nice to have your fingers sucked. Like, if even if you're the one touching it almost is like a role reversal a little bit. That's really hot.

Really hot. I know. Fingers sucked are just super underrated. You guys suck on the fingers as long as they're washed.

As long as they're washed, y', all, you gotta be washing your hands.

Okay, now you have about a thousand ideas on how to Use your hand in sexy ways. So raise your hand for our sponsors and when we're back, I'm answering all your hand play questions.

Foreign.

This is from Haley. She's 20, in Idaho. Hey, Dr. Emily, my boyfriend. I've been hooking up for about a year now and dating for about nine months. We've been doing the same sex routine basically the whole time. Sex has been unfilling because I rarely have an orgasm. And then I get frustrated. He doesn't go down on me and fingers me for a little bit, but never enough. Never to completion or until I feel ready for something else. It feels like he fingers me just to say that he did it before we have sex and then he orgasms. How can I let him know I'd like more finger action? Can you make him more comfortable fingering me?

This is the drive by fingering we were talking about.

This is drive by fingering. This is why we're doing this episode. So, Haley, you're not alone. This is really, really common. I'm just going to give him the benefit of the doubt here and say he doesn't know. No one's ever told him. And you get this job. This is your job to let him know. Hey, this is what I actually need. So following all of our top communication tips of doing it outside the bedroom, and not necessarily in the moment, but maybe when you guys are out to dinner or on your next date or driving along in the car, you could just say, here's are some things that I'm loving that we're doing. But let's talk about when you put your fingers inside me. God, I love fingering. It's a really important part about my arousal. But would you be open to me showing you specifically what I need? Because I've just learned it on my own through masturbation. I know what I like and I would love to show you what feels good to me. Would you be okay if I gave you some feedback? I feel like he needs to know that your orgasms are right around the corner. And if he was willing to, like, learn from you. You are the expert of your own pleasure in your own body. What feels good. Hopefully he'll be open to that and you'll be having more pleasure alongside of him.

And a reminder that foreplay, especially on a vulva owner. Vulva owners take 20 to 40 minutes to orgasm. It's much longer. So if your partner wants to prioritize your pleasure as much as you, they gotta be down for the red.

This is the primary thing that they just don't really know. I think that the reason why we get the drive by foreplay or the one lick wonders or the fingers in real quickly is because there's not a lot of this education and knowledge around, you know, the orgasm and your body.

The female orgasm.

The female orgasm for sure. I feel like we all know about the male orgasm more so than we do the female orgasm. So I think, you know, when you say how you can make it more comfortable, it sounds like he's already comfortable, but he just needs to know specifically what he's doing so he doesn't stop. And I have to say that you're probably with a wonderful man who would love some knowledge about how to do it right. And in fact, if any of you are with someone who's like, I don't want to know information, I'm not interested in your orgasm then not your person. Thanks Haley. Let us know how it goes. This is from Rebecca, 28, in Montreal. Hey Dr. Emily. I got my first IUD placed seven years ago and I've had two more since. All of my experiences have been traumatic, but the first one was by far the worst. I was in so much pain that I blacked out. I was scared to have sex for a year after with flashbacks of the insertion during sex and in my day to day life. I love the IUD because I don't have to worry about missing a pill or picking it up from the pharmacy. And I love not having my period. That was one of the main reasons I wanted an iud. The doctors won't prescribe painkillers for the insertion despite my asking. They just laugh and tell me to take a Tylenol. Since then, I'm uneasy with getting fingered and even penetrative sex, which is really taking a toll on my sex life. How do I begin to enjoy penetration again without having flashbacks and anxiety of the pain? Okay, first, this just pisses me off. This is what's wrong with health care specifically for women is that we literally get this IUD and it is painful for many and we don't recognize it. And of course you should give them painkillers, you should warn them. But most women walk around feeling like it is their problem. There's something wrong with them. They're the only ones. But for many, it is a painful experience. And I know that's not what you're emailing me about here, but I just want to say that for any of you out there, any vulva owners getting one, it's okay to be your. You actually need to be Your best advocate in the doctor's office, and to insist on getting the kind of care that you need, because this shouldn't be so painful. And I remember reading somewhere that, like, men do receive painkillers for something that's free, far less invasive than the iud, we just expect women to grin and bear it. So, anyway, first off, I'm sorry that happened to you. But second, it would make sense that you are having traumatic flashbacks from something that was clearly traumatic. So first, I would let your partners know this is something that you just need to go slow and that you've had a bad experience with it. I mean, listen, you guys, vulnerability enhances intimacy. So being real with a partner and saying, like, sometimes, you know, I really love the sensation of it. I love the idea of penetration with a finger, but I just need to go slow. And so I think by just letting your partner know that it's something that is sensitive for you will allow you to sort of breathe more into the experience and sort of relax your body so you're not tensing up when they're sticking their fingers inside. And just to go slow, use lots of lube. And maybe it's like one, like their pinky finger, and it's just, maybe you're laying down, you're in a position where they have easier access. So maybe you're have a pillow under your back or your knees are pulled back over your chest, so you are just in a position where you can receive and you can breathe and, you know, just start to reassociate yourself with pleasure from penetration and not pain. So I think that working with a trauma therapist, if it's something that's really not going away, I highly recommend it. So this isn't something that you're carrying throughout your lifetime and your sexual history, but I think that being with a partner who is caring and who wants you to feel good would be more than willing to slow down and make sure this is a pleasurable process for you. I'd make sure that there's lots of lube, and there is again, trust, and you're in a comfortable position.

Thinking back to what we were talking about earlier about hands setting the tone for sexual experiences, really thinking about how your hands are creating a sexual energy of care, of gentleness. You know, if fingering can bring back some of these memories, painful memories of your IUD getting inserted, maybe the other hand can be a gentle reminder of, like, this is a different experience. This is not clinical. This shouldn't be painful. Like, more of a loving touch with the other hand.

Yeah, maybe one hand is doing the vulva cupping and the other hand is gently going in. But I would say also spend a lot of time externally too. You know, the warmup is going to be really, really important here. So whatever that looks like for you, if there's a grounding hand on your arva and then maybe there's some light touch and teasing over your labia externally, your inner thighs and just warming up to it, that's what's really going to help you here, Rebecca. And I'm really sorry that that happened, but I really believe that you can start to associate again this area with more pleasure than pain. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you producer Erica, for being here with me. All right, everyone, if you all in your hands now, you know what to do.

That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter or X and Facebook. It's all Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email, so sign up on sex with emily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or just go to sex with emily.com askemily Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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