Porn PSA: A Guide On What Not to Do In Bed

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Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cause my man E here, he just.

Got his heart broken.

He thinks you're Kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out our website, sexwithemily.com for even more awesome sex tips. And you can find me on Sirius XM radio Monday through Friday from 5 to 7pm Pacific. You should totally check it out. And if you want a free 30 day trial, you can go to sexwithemily.comsxm. you can find me in all social media across the board. It's exwithemily. All right, guys, hope you enjoy the show. So I've often alluded to this on the show, but I can't say it enough that I don't actually have a problem with porn. I'm not anti porn. But I do think one of the main challenges I have around porn is that a lot of people are learning to have sex through watching porn. They're actually taking it like a blueprint of like a manual, like step by step ways. I should have porn, I should have sex. So of course I'm gonna have sex for the first time and she's gonna show up with three friends and then she's gonna squirt or he's gonna like, you know, spank me, or he thinks that it's okay to choke or all the things or they're actually having orgasms. Like none of that is real either. So what you know is that porn is fiction. Most of the porn that you watch if you're on the tube sites are four men. But a lot of women watch it too, obviously. And this is where I have a problem, is that we're learning to have sex that way, then we actually have sex that way, but it's just because we didn't know any better. I'm not blaming you. I'm just saying that no one else is talking about sex. They're not teaching you in schools unless you seek it out. Like, you don't change a channel when you're listening to this show and you're like, oh, I actually want to learn how to have sex. I never actually learned. I never had a sex ed class. So everything I learned was untrue. Which is actually true. There's A book called that Too untrue. There is by our friend Wednesday Martin. And it is true, true that most of the things I want to say that 90% of the things that you think you know that you know about sex are wrong. So anyway, a lot of that comes from porn. I do like when couples watch porn together, they share scenes with each other of things they want to try or it helps people get more and, you know, figure out what turns them on. A lot of us kind of have repressed fantasies, so to watch porn can inspire us. And then we've stuff like we have like more first bank. But the problem today that we're gonna cover is there are. There was crazy Reddit threads. This went off and there were things that women wish men would stop trying to do in bed that they saw in porn. And then there were things that men wish women would stop trying to do that they saw in porn. And we just found this hilarious and enlightening.

So true.

Okay, so read some of these. Yes, I'll read the first one. Ready, guys? What women wish men would stop trying to do when you tell a guy that you're close or just like that. And they think that's the code for going lightning fast all of a sudden, like, no, I just wanted you to continue doing the same thing with some encouragement. Don't set my vagina on fire.

Oh, my God. This is the thing that I hate the fucking most.

I said do the same. When I say just like that, I mean just not. I don't mean just like that, but faster.

Okay.

Yeah, literally.

Why? I just want to know what goes on in their head.

Because for men to ejaculate when they think we're gonna calm, just like everything is very. Sex is very male focused. So that's just how we've learned it. So they assume, just like porn, that that's how it happens. So they assume when men orgasm, they have to go faster and faster. Faster. For women, we just want you to go just like that.

Don't slow, don't leave, don't f. That's why.

I would really like to know why. Because I feel like when we say this, and this has happened to me many times, I'm like, yes, that feels great. Keep even. Say keep doing that. And then they start to change it up or they literally actually do. Not even just a faster rhythm, but something completely different.

They got scared.

They got scared of the orgasm, which is so weird because I'm like, what? I don't. I just don't get it. I don't get how the computing doesn't work.

Well, maybe he didn't know what he was doing. Like, you know what I mean? Also, maybe in that moment when you said that, he was like, oh, shit, what was I doing?

It just kind of threw him off. Because I also feel like we're damned if we don't say it, because what if they do change what they're doing? We're like, no, go back.

But when we say that, it's a pretty good sign. You should pay attention to the moment.

Exactly.

Like, it's a pretty good time to, like, stop and try to rewind and see whatever you were doing and keep doing that.

I wonder if the reverse happens because I feel like I've never at least heard that from a guy in my own sexual things, my own sexual encounters, that, like, I've changed things up. When they said stuff, I'm like, I'm.

Trying to think of a guy said, don't stop. And he has. I know you're saying, I don't know if you can tell us, maybe it is the same, but this is some other things here. James, you want to read?

Yeah, I want to read this one. This is from Reddit. So these are like the actual people's responses. So this person said, this idiot guy I was fucking just switched holes on me. No warning whatsoever. And not even slow. One moment I'm having a lovely time getting fucked. Next minute I'm crying in the bathroom with a painful, bleeding asshole. And he was pleading at the door saying he's inexperienced and saw it in a porn. I was traumatized for months.

Okay, guys, so this is why you're all like, everyone's asking me about anal. You're like, oh, I had. How do I try anal? Or my. My girlfriend won't try anal. And I'm telling you, for so many women, it's this exact story. I've talked about this. I will say it again right now. That wrong hole, or like, it's sudden and you can't just switch holes. I'm telling you, anal needs warm up. You got to massage the butt. You got to use lots of lube. You got to go slow. You can't just enter the back door without knocking, without warming up, without talking about it. And so as a result, she's traumatized. Who knows if she would even want to do it again, but definitely for months. And he said he saw it in porn. She didn't say her age in here. And here's the thing. How would he know differently?

He wouldn't.

No, he's like. In fact, I'll say this. Most of the porn you watch these days, you'd have to put like. Like porn. Like, no porn in your search. No anal in your search. Because I think most porn includes anal now. Majority of it. So you just kind of assume, like, you'd have to say, like, porn without anal. You'd have to be a distinction, because I think that most porn has anal that you assume that's part of it. Like, we're gonna have anal. Like that's a normal thing for everyone to do right away. Or I could just switch holes.

I mean, it just in for them to think, though, because how would they know that there's in between, that they're doing lots of stretches. They're doing lots of things. They're putting on the lube.

They got butt plugs in them all day.

Yeah, they're like, preparing for this moment. And it's just like, for me, the way that I think about it, it's like in a regular TV show when a couple is out or they meet at a bar and they're making out, and then all of a sudden cue, they're still making out, but in their house. It's like they don the car ride to the house where they're just sitting there and kind of having this weird conversation. Because we don't need to see that.

Exactly.

So that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

Exactly. Jamie. So what we don't need to see here is. Okay, babe, let's. Let's try some. You know, like, he's massaging her ass. And he's using the equivalent of that. Yeah, the equivalent of him just going in one hole in the other hole is he's not seeing. Massaging the ass. Taking off the condom that he was using, having sex with her, and then, like, making sure she's warmed up. Making sure she already had a clitoral orgasm. Making sure that he just uses a little pinky finger at first to go in and tons of lube. Like, so much lube. And then reapplying the lube. And then slowly but surely, when she's breathing deeply and she's ready and willing, she breathes and then he pushes in, and then she breathes out. And you inhale, exhale, and it goes in slow. And it's like a whole thing. But nope. Porn jumps right to the in and out. Because most people just like that, right?

Most people are going to lose interest in a porn. In a porn, if they show that they're gonna be like, what is this tutorial happening here.

Exactly right. This. Get to the anal. Exactly. That's the part we're missing. And now, not to say the important. Like they probably are. They literally are warming up before the scene. They are. And for your real life, for women to enjoy analysis, you know, maybe if you've experienced it a lot. And this is for beginners, I'm telling you. And even for even people who are a little more experienced, you need to. It helps be aroused already. It helps to have your orgasms first. For women to have a clitoral orgasm, to already be turned on, to be super relaxed, to be, you know, to loosen up, not just to put it right in. So, okay, this next one. This is what women wish men would stop trying to do in bed that they saw in porn. Rubbing my clit like it's a burnt piece of food stuck to a pan.

Oh, my God. This.

Yeah.

Okay. When I saw this, I literally died for.

I mean, really, like I could. I saw the nails going up and down.

Like it's like cringe.

People don't furiously rub away the clitoris. In fact, to approach the clitoris, which I don't think you often see, that's important either. You don't see them kissing, making out slowly working their way up the inner thigh and tickling and teasing the inner thighs and their legs. And then they're moving in slowly. And then maybe they're approaching the clitoral hood with their mouth first. Or maybe just their tongue, I mean their fingers. But they're doing it slow. Slow. And they've washed their hands and there's definitely some lube on it because the lube, their clitoris is not self lubricating. Not spitting on their hands. And then they're moving their fingers so slowly after moving up their legs, like to their clitoral hood. And then they're like, maybe they were tickling the pubic mound and then moving down slowly. And then they're barely touching it. They're lightly moving in for the clitoris. And then they can start to move. They're not going at it. Scraping away like a pan.

And I will say personally, when I get closer to orgasm, I get rougher with my own clitoris.

Yes.

But once I'm very close and there's minutes, more than one. Plural minutes. Plural minutes of softness prior. And again, because men are like, I want to come now in the porn, they're only going to show right before she orgasms to make it look easy.

It's not that easy. It's not rubbing away at it. Like food stuck in a pan or like you're trying to loosen change from a gumball machine. That is not the way you do it.

Like, what are you. Like, imagine things just start falling out.

That'd be hilarious. We're so aggressive with it. I know. You're like, oh, wow, gumballs do come out.

I didn't even have to put in a corner.

But this whole quote, rubbing my clit like it's a burnt piece of food stuck to a pan. Thanks for touching it, but not like that, man. Like, we're glad you're touching it. Like, I'm glad they found it, right? Like, you found it. Congratulations. You know where it is. And I think that's also learning process for many people. They're just not sure if they don't have one. They're not sure. They're not.

They don't know.

Another thing here is treating every vagina the same, which goes to show with maybe this guy's last girlfriend liked it being scraped like there was food stuck to a pan. I doubt it. But the truth is, is that what men do is they often think. And women do this too. We think that our current partner wants the same thing our last partner wanted. And so we're like, well, I assume that every woman wants me to, you know, slap or clitoris or make out, you know, do whatever things that are just whatever. That's why each. Each vagina, each penis, each partner you're with is a new experience to learn in the moment. Pay attention to it.

And that's the best way to find out is just to be like, hey, what's your vagina like?

Right? What's your van? We should have it just like, I feel like when all these dating apps. I know this is down the road, but you're talking about where you hang out, what you like to do, but. And this would be a problem for over sexualizing it. But when couples get together right away, just figuring out what the hell you like, what does your clitoris like?

Right?

People don't even know.

So tell me about your clitoris. Like, if I had a guy ask me that, I would be like, oh, my God, you evolved male. I'd be like, that's amazing. I will tell you what it likes.

You would. But I think a lot of women.

Wouldn'T know what to say, because they wouldn't know. They don't necessarily know.

Maybe that's why we're here.

That is why.

Figure it out. Have an answer to the question. Believe me, your partners want to please you. They just don't know how. And so they're just. And this is why we're all doing this. We don't know any better way, but we' just assuming that it either is important or we learned important, or our last partner wanted it.

All right.

This one, this one here, this one. Because this one is interesting to me. So this person wrote, I hate when guys stick it in fast and just start pumping away. Go slow and let me feel the stretch. And when you're all the way in, pause for a second, maybe kiss me, possibly pull halfway back out, and then you can slam back in and go to town if you want. It's just that initial entry is one of the best parts of sex. Please don't ruin it for me.

I agree with this, too. I believe that when you just in porn, you do see it just pumping away and that we don't see the warm up part. I just. And I never want anyone to stick it in or worse, just, like, touch it for a second. Like, touch my clitoris or finger me for a second. And then you stick it in. Like, I'm telling you that initial, like, entering period is really hot. And I love the idea of, like, going slow. Pausing kiss. That's really hot. Like, you got all night to pound. Don't pound, however, but you slow it down. And pounding away right away is never a great idea.

No. I like how she says in here, at some point, that is okay. Just don't go, like, right, like, 0 to 150 off the bat.

Please don't. Please don't. These are some things that. Yeah, I mean, I love that this breaks it down because honestly, you guys, there's a lot of stuff we're doing. You might even see yourself hoping that people are listening. Like, I see myself in this. I have been doing it because I learned it in porn. I think we don't even know the origin story of a lot of our sex acts. We're like, oh, I never thought that. Or I never thought it was because my last partner wanted it. Or I just made this assumption based on the porn that I've seen. So you're not a bad person. This is the most. I hear this every single day from people who are like, either they don't know how to act during sex or they're with someone who's acting like they're in porn and it doesn't seem authentic to who they are, because it's not. So this is one of my favorites. Go down on me for five seconds and call it foreplay. I don't Even know if that's what they see in porn or that's what. Or that's what. They just think that. I mean, I think this is two things here. Like I said, if you're gonna go down to me for a minute, you could be to do something so much more effective. You could just go get me a glass of water. You can make me a snack. But, like, going down to me for a minute does nothing. Like, I didn't even know you were there yet. A minute. Not enough. Because that feels like I'm just lubin you. I'm just getting you wet so I can go ahead and ram away at you. I could pound away.

And it's like a tease, but the wrong kind of tease, because you never go back. It'd be different if you went back. Never go back.

Never go back. I thought you were coming back. Where'd you go? Come back. And then you just pull them back down. You're like, oh, not ready yet. Come back. That's a lovely way to do it. Pull them back down.

I can just imagine. Love loves gently the situation of, like, a woman scooting back down. Like, so the vagina meets the face, and the guy keeps trying to go up, and she keeps trying to meet the face. Just keep on going. And then you guys fall off the bed.

Exactly. Amazing. But I think I've been that girl too. Was like, oh, I did for so long. I didn't say anything because I was like, oh, this is how it's supposed to go. He knows. He knows what he's doing. Men know more than I do. I'm just gonna let him do this. So for every woman out there who's like, this is familiar. It's okay to be like, you know what? I'm not ready yet. Not quite turned on yet. Not ready for the pounding yet. Need a little bit warm up.

Exactly.

Okay to say that.

Mm. All right, we have a Laura, 51, in Virginia, who wants to add in on this conversation about porn lies that not everyone woman can deep throat or enjoy it.

Oh, yes, Laura, exactly. Tell me more.

Yes, it's terrible. They all think that you can deep throat just like the porn women do. And you, most of the time, you end up gagging. You know, it's tears in your eyes, and it's not very pretty.

Right, Exactly. That was a porn thing, don't you think? Laura, you're 51. Do you think this wasn't happening 20 years ago?

No, it wasn't.

Right?

It actually wasn't.

It wasn't. It wasn't even a thing. Choking it. Yeah.

Twenty years ago, they thought it was a huge treat to get a blowjob.

Thank you, Laura. Yeah, we should have gotten flowers. And now they want to kill us on their dick. They want to stick it so far. We're going to throw up and die or something.

Shove your head down and, you know, hold your hair and shove your head down and it's like, I'm not. I can't do that.

Yeah. I can't do that, and I don't want to do it. Not even interesting to me. Exactly, Laura. I hate that, too. That's. It's a porn thing, and it's got to stop. You're right, Laura. Thank you so much. It's perfect. Couldn't have said it better.

It's so true.

Oh, my God. Like, isn't there one of these here that.

Yeah.

Oh, okay, here it is. This is actually a quote from the Reddit thread. Trying to force their dick deeper down your throat while giving oral. Unlike porn stars, I have a gag reflex, and it's. No, it's not hot for me to gag on your dick and almost throw up on you. It kills the mood for me and makes me not want to go down again. I don't know where this came from. I don't think that women. Your eyes are watering.

I think, well, definitely porn. But also, I think in their minds, it's a suggestion because they would like you to be sucking the dick farther. However, I don't think that they realize that the reason why we're not going all the way down is because it's as far as it can go.

Right.

We hit the limit. And also just, you know, you can know nothing's in your mouth. I have a penis in my mouth, so I can't really talk to you right now. But you have nothing in your mouth. So you can be like, hey, babe, I do think it'd be really hot if you tried to go a little deeper.

A little deeper. Go a little deeper. I would do that. Or use more pressure, because a lot of times it's not more pressure. You could use your hands during a blowjob, and it's just as effective. I'm telling you, you don't have to go all the way down. You can go up and down with your hand. You use both hands, and then use your mouth at the tip. That can feel great. The other reason why. One of my hypotheses about the gag thing is that also in their minds, perhaps, men are like, it's so big, you're choking on it like, it's my dick and you want it so bad you're choking. Like it's gagging.

Yeah, I think that that's part of it. It's like this thing.

They're like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's so big. She's choking on it. It's my dick. Because they're very dick centric.

Yeah, I think so. But what happens when you hit her uvula and she pukes all over your crotch?

Yeah. And that's so. It's all fun and games. So she pukes. I love your crotch.

If that ever almost happened to me once, I saw it back down like a champ. But if I had thrown up on him, I would have been like, well, that's your fault.

Right?

Exactly. All right, guys, just. I love that she. She validated it all. It's true, you guys. I'm like, no, 10 years ago, it wasn't a thing. The other thing is. Here's another one. Basically, everything done without consent. Porn makes it seem like you can do anything to any woman at any time. And you'll love it at first. Ask first. Choking, slapping, anal, coming in the face, etc. It can be fun or not. But ask first. Don't go with the porn mentality that women are always wanting and always willing. Not everyone is into that, and there's nothing wrong with it. Okay, guys, we're gonna take a quick break, and when we come back, we are onto your calls and your email questions.

Let's talk to Tom. He's 31 in Maryland, and he wants to know how he can ask his wife to shave her pubic area.

Hey, Tom. Tell me everything.

Hi.

Hi, Emily.

How are you?

Good. Thanks for calling. Tell me everything.

Yeah.

Too much?

Yeah, no, it's basically like. It's not that crazy. It's just that I don't enjoy it that she does not shave. That area. She does trim around it, but, like, the actual hair right there, she does not shave. And it bothers me when I go down on her. And I just wanted to know if, like, maybe some women have a thing that they wanted, and, like, maybe I should not be asking her to shave.

Well, no, wait, hold on, babe. This is your wife, right?

Yeah.

Okay. And how long have you guys been together?

Five years.

Okay, so here's what's cool, is, like, you guys are committed, you're together. Just say you could have the conversation, much like I was talking to Jessica. Have you guys ever talked about sex or what she's into or what she Likes or what you like?

Yeah, not so much out of the bedroom, but we do talk about it a lot.

Well, the best place to talk about sex, ironically, is outside the bedroom, when you're not having sex, when you're not even turned on. Because that's how we have actually productive conversations about sex. So I think you can make it more like, I love pleasing you. I love going, you know, I love our sex life. You're hot, or whatever, you want to say all the things you love about her and say. And I was thinking about, I love going down on you. And I just want to put this out. This is uncomfortable to say, but I love going down on you. It feels so good. But sometimes with a lot of hair around there, it's harder for me to do that. Would you be open to me taking a shower with me, and I could shave you one night? Or just say, you know your wife well enough. Or just like, how would you feel about shaving? I would get you a bikini wax and then say, of course. Or you could also, not, in that first conversation time, you could just say, I realize that most of our sex talk is in the bedroom. And I thought, well, you're my life. We're gonna be together for a long time, and I want to figure out how to be the greatest lover you've ever had. And I want to know how we can have incredible sex. Let's just start talking about it. So, anything been on your mind? You know, here's what's been on my mind. And you also have to know, though the other thing is to go back to your question, women just might like that. Yeah, I mean, you gotta also be okay with the fact with she might like having hair, and she could also be offended. I mean, there are some women who are like, how dare you tell me what to do with my hair? It's my hair and I'm growing it. So.

Right, right. That was my goal.

So this is what I'm saying. Tom, you could just kind of, you know her well enough to be like, so listen, babe, when I go down on you, sometimes it's hard. Like, I know you've hair down there. Like, would you be comfortable shaving it? Have you always had hair down there? How would you feel about it? I'm totally cool if you want to keep it. It's just harder for me, you know, just. I think it's important to, like, let.

It not make it that. Not make it that I need it.

But, yeah, suggestion. I'm about that. Have you ever. You could even say to her, this Tom, find one of these that work for you. Have you ever shaved it off? Have you ever considered trimming it more? Because maybe you just wanted to trim it more, right? Or shave it all off.

Maybe like. Or a low trim.

Okay, perfect. Like, I think actually, like, you could say, I've heard it actually makes it even better or more sensitive. And it's true, actually. That's why Brazilian bikini waxes became a whole thing. And, you know women. It actually can make it feel better. So say, would you be open to that? But I'm not telling you what to do here. Okay, Tom, you can do it outside the bedroom. I promise. You're so welcome. Thanks for calling, Tom.

Let's see if we can help Brian. He's 27, in California, and he wants to know how he can get his girlfriend more in touch with her sexuality.

Hey, Brian, tell me what's going on. Love to help you.

Hi, guys.

Hi.

Hi, guys. How are you?

Good.

So I'm doing well. First of all, new listeners, so I've been really intrigued with everything. So this is really great.

Thank you.

Recently, I've felt. Well, I've come to realization that my girlfriend is not very much. She's in her head a lot, which is something that's talked about a lot on the show. And she's not very connected with her body. Sometimes I feel like I'm the one who's very much more like, well, thinking about sex. And because of that, I tend to avoid pushing it onto her because I feel like I'm just, like, either begging for sex or whatnot. What's going on now is I'm trying to figure out a way to begin and continue a conversation where I make sex present in her mind because there's literally no thought of it. Like, she has a vibrator and everything, but she doesn't even use it.

Have you ever talked to her about it and said, so? Like, tell me about it? Like, was there a time when you were more into sex? Like, is she under a lot of stress right now? Have you talked to her about this before?

We started talking a lot about the stress that she's having because after. I'm fairly new listener, so I. But as soon as I started listening, I just started trying to sort of at least maybe pry her brain to have her talk to me because she's admitted that she doesn't talk about a lot of things because she doesn't want to damper the relationship or bring things down. So I'm trying to encourage her to trust me. To open up a little more and that I'm not gonna be quick to judge no matter what.

Okay.

And the last time we actually had a conversation about sex, that was about maybe three months ago or so. And. And then I realized now, after listening to the show, I should continuously talk about it. But I did it once, and I thought it would just click. And now I find myself getting a little frustrated.

Right? It doesn't. It never takes one conversation. I mean, this is like, think about it. You guys have never talked about it. How long have you guys been together?

Two and a half years.

Yeah. I mean, you have in two and a half years something that's like a main cornerstone of a relationship, you know, I've never talked about. So I think now the next one is I really want to. Like, I've said to everyone tonight, like, let's make. Let's prioritize our sex life. I want to be great lovers. It's something I want to keep talking about. I realize I've let a lot of time go past. I never want to be the one who's just. I want to be a great lover to you. I want to please you. I want to help you with your anxiety. And this actually help. We could do some mutual masturbation together. I mean, I get it. Like, I get. Understand women just say next to the vibrator, not doing it. Like that happens to all of us. That even happens to me. But I feel like it's like you're saying early sex begets sex. The more she does it and masturbates and. And maybe finding out what does turn her on, and, like, asking her her most memorable time she had sex, what does she think about? What does she fantasize about? And just kind of keeping the conversation going, because then you won't feel like you have to, like, solve this all on your own. And, like, now you have to be a really great listener to all of her stuff, which is a great skill and a partner. But then you're not getting. You're like, well, if I listen to everything, then I'll take it all off her mind, and then she'll want to. Doesn't work that way. Take it from a woman who has a lot of stuff to always talk about. It doesn't work that way. So you don't want to push her, but you can't ignore it either. So it's a fine line between saying, like, I love you and I'm here for you, and I hope you know, sex is such an important part of a relationship. And I want our relationship to be really strong. I want her set, you know.

Yeah, I definitely understand and I know it's going to take some time, so I'm definitely going to try to be patient about that. I do have a question, though. She. She tends to. When I try to get answers from her with personal questions regarding anything. Like, I've even asked recently, you know, what. What makes to you what makes a happy relationship? Or like, what would make our relationship a happy one? She's someone who always has an I don't know answer. I don't know why, but her immediate, like, she blanks and she struggles to come up with answers for herself. So do you have any?

Yeah, I do. From someone who's a. I've. I don't know. Because she doesn't know. She's 27 as well. Is she your age? Younger?

29.

Okay. So you guys have been together three years. I don't know how many other relationships she's had, but she might not know. Like, are you the first serious relationship?

No, she's. She's had a lot more sexual encounters than I have.

Right.

But it's never really been. She's never had a situation where they've asked her about.

Right. I didn't know in my 20s. Listen, no one knows what they want. People don't know what they want. Still, like that. Knowing what we want is actually a lot harder question to answer for most people than we would think. You'd think, like, well, wait a minute. Like, of course I know what I want. We can say what we don't want a lot easier than we can say what we want. So maybe you can find out more. Like, what doesn't she want? You know, you could say, well, would you be interested in figuring it out? So maybe she need. I don't know how she learns it. Maybe giving her some scenarios, like, would you want to take a class together? Like, do you picture us having children? Do you. What are your values? Like, what's a perfect Saturday for you when you're in a relationship? Relationship. What's a perfect date night? Like what? You know, do you want to live in the city or the country? How important is family? Do you, like, maybe you have to get more specific with your questions because I couldn't have answered that. Then I probably would have been like, I don't know. We're just in my 20s. Like, we don't know. You haven't lived enough on the planet. So just give her, ask her some more questions and don't make her feel and then she'll get there, you know, and it's a great exercise for her as well. So just get to know each other on a more intimate, you know, on a more, like, specific level. Like, this is really important now, too, because then you'll know if you could stay together and you're on the same page. What a great way to find out if you share the same values and the same vision for the future. So just get more curious and less probing. Less like probing. And, like, we gotta find all this out, you know? But curious, asking questions. Tell me more. Tell me more. People love talking about themselves. You just gotta ask questions the right way. Okay, Brian, thanks for calling. Keep me posted. I'm here for you.

We have an email From Amanda, who's 25, in Utah, and she said that my guy is silent in the bedroom. How can I get him to be more expressive and dominate me?

Okay, Amanda, this is a good one. I'm telling you, there's something about guys, that many guys. There'd be a lot of different reasons why he is silent in the bedroom. I mean, I think that men are trained from a young age. They're masturbating in their bedroom. You know, they're afraid their parents are going to walk in. They have to be quiet. They're just like, sex is something that I'm. You know, I'm quiet. I don't know. I don't. And maybe in porn, too, out of. Men are, like, giving big noises. But I think men are just more shy about it. Or they've been. They wired themselves to be more quiet in the bedroom when they orgasm. Like, my guy that I dated who. Who I didn't even know if he orgasmed. Like, I have to, like, listen. I like, no noise. Because when he did come, this is what it sounded like. He'd be like.

Oh.

Like, you okay there, bud? Like, no, it was like his orgasm.

I was like.

That'S it. Nothing else would move. He was same position. I swear.

What would you do right after.

I was like, I want. So you came, right? Like, I'd have to, like, check. Is there, like, semen? Like, what happened? It was like a twitch. I'm like, you have to miss. Like, you blink. You miss it. And I was like, dude. I. I didn't say dude, but I was like, babe, trying to think how smart. This is probably the first. Okay. I was dating this guy. It's so funny because I actually have a weird thing with memory, but I can't remember who I was dating when, like, what year. Like, oh, this was the year I started the podcast. I wasn't as great at talking about stuff, but I was like, oh, yeah, I just think it'd be hot if you made noises like, nah, that's for chick. I don't know what he said, but he didn't make noise in the bedroom. So anyway, how you can be more expressive and dominant is you have this conversation about your sex life outside the bedroom. Not in the bedroom. Not in the bedroom. Not in the bedroom. And the next time you guys are hanging out, you're like, you bring up one thing that you loved about the last time you had sex. Last night was really hot. I loved how you went down to me for 45 minutes. It was amazing. And I thought I was thinking about you. I was like, it'd be so hot to, like, hear you in the bedroom. Like, I want to know what you're feeling. I want to know, like, if you could, like, I think talking dirty would be hot. Now here's the thing. Or dominate me in the bedroom. When you say that to Amanda, what's going to be helpful is if you can give them some examples. Because oftentimes when we just throw out to our partners, like, dominate me, talk dirty to me, make more noise. First of all, they're like a, I'm a failure. I'm doing it wrong. Bed lover. I'm really bad. Especially like in your 20s, maybe you don't have as much experience or maybe always. Let's be honest. You know, our friend earlier, she was in her. What?

She was 50.

50. So our insecurity can pop at all different times. So I think the more specific, like, what do you have in mind? By expressive and dominant, you could tell them, like, for example, babe, when I. I'd love to hear what you're feeling in the moment. About my ass or about our sex life. Like, talk, you know?

Yeah.

Be expressive. Or maybe it's make more noise, but then also, like, dominate. Like, what do you mean by that? Do you want him to, like. Do you want him to, like, throw you down the bed? Do you want him to blindfold you? Do you want him to tie your hands back? Do you want them. You know, what is that? Do I'm just like, call you a little slut? Like, some women do want that, But I think you have to be specific because they just can't. They can't guess. And he's not doing it because he probably doesn't know how, doesn't know you're into it. So I think. And then you could say, to him. I think it'd be hard if you did this. You don't make a big deal out of it, even though it feels like a big deal to you. Talking about sex. You guys can become the easiest, most simplest thing in the world once you just practice doing it. And then you could say, and I want to know what you want from me. Like, tell me what would be hot for you. Let's talk about our sex life. Make it fun. Like, we're gonna go to Disneyland. Like, let's talk about our sex life. Isn't that fun? It should be fun. Even though it's nerve wracking at first.

Do you think guys that do make noises in bed, do they ever practice their grunts?

I don't know. I don't.

Like, do you think, do you ever practice your sex noises?

No. No, I never thought about it until. Who just asked me about my O face?

Oh, Violet Benson, right?

Violet Benson. I was at her podcast, which is gonna come out soon. She's from Daddy Issues. She's a new podcast. And she was like, so what do. How do you fix your O face? Like, women are concerned what they look like in bed. Orgasming, the noise they make. And I was like, I don't think about. I'm like, what you want to be thinking is like, I'm orgasming. I am the goddess of the universe. And he's so lucky. Gets you watching me. He's not judging my weird face. I don't know. Maybe guys do, but I just don't think about it. So I don't know if guys are going, like.

Because I've just imagined, like, if they're learning from porn and they're listening to those grunts. You think that they try to be like, I need to be like a manly grunt. Like, what if they're just self conscious about their.

Probably. I think you guys, here's the good news.

I mean, that's the thing.

We all have our own sex noise. We do like primates. Like, we get to make our own. Like. Like, what is it? That's why masturbation is great too. Like, you just. You have your own sexualize. Maybe you haven't found it yet because you've repressed it because you were embarrassed. Maybe someone told you you were too loud. And maybe you were like in college when they had roommates and you had to be quiet, you know? So I think it's a. Maybe guys should practice letting go and just being themselves. But I'm sure there are guys just like, I hear from a lot of Men who were like, oh, I feel like she was just watching porn and was making noises like a porn star. It wasn't really authentic to who she was. I feel that's for men too.

Danielle, 37, in Canada has some questions about sex toys.

Hey, Danielle, thanks for calling. Hi.

Thank you. Actually, I have questions about all of the above.

I'm 37 years old. I've been sexually active since I was 16. And.

I still. Even though I have an abundance of toys, I'm single now. I have a really hard time. Peaking, orgasming.

Climaxing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, I. I don't actually know if I've ever had one before, so.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

I've talked to my. I've talked to my family doctor about it, and she just.

I don't know.

Didn't.

Didn't.

Really.

Doctors don't know a lot of stuff. They don't have a lot of sex education in medical school, a lot of them. So that makes them uncomfortable. I'm glad you called me, Danielle. So tell me a little bit. So. So do you masturbate often? Like, and you just get to a point and then you stop yourself or, like, tell me your process?

I do. It's something that I enjoy doing, but it doesn't really get.

It just never ends up getting to that point. And I never have any, like, history of anything, you know?

No. Like sexual trauma, right?

No, no, no. Yeah, not at all.

Are you on any medication?

No, nothing.

Okay.

And you have desire? Like, do you feel like you want to masturbate, you want to have sex, but you're just, like, getting there?

Yeah, I do. And it's something that I enjoy. Like, I'm amazing.

Okay.

But before that, it's something I do really enjoy, and it's a priority even though that doesn't happen.

Okay, well, let me tell you this. There's a few things to know when you're starting out with masturbating, because I think it's really, like, it sounds like you have all the ingredients there, but you gotta be a little patient with it. So here's the thing. When we start out, like, it can take you weeks, days, months to finally have that orgasm, but it has to be like a committed. Like, you know, my friend in college went away for this internship. We were seniors, and she was like, I'm going to masturbate, Emily, every day for 30 days, and I'm going to figure out how to have an orgasm, because I've never had one. And it wasn't until, like, the the third week, like, maybe it was, like, three days before she left. She was like, hallelujah, it finally happened. So just know that, like, it takes consistent effort. But I also. In that hand, it's, like, effort. Like, fun effort. Like, go into it more curiously, like, more mindful masturbation. So maybe what's happening is there's, like, this expectation that it feels a certain way. So I would definitely, like, lay back. It's kind of like. I love the idea of thinking of it, like, seducing yourself. So you're taking a bath, you're rubbing on you. You're lighting a candle. You're engaging all of your senses. You're rubbing lotion on your body, and then you're laying down, and you're just in a. You know, playing your favorite music, and you're just really breathing. Right? So I think one of the key things is deep, deep breaths. Like, deep into your pelvic floor breaths. A lot of times we tense up and we forget to breathe, and that doesn't. And, like, when we remember to breathe, that helps the. The blood flow more and the orgasms happen. And so I feel like maybe you're going right, like, well, tell me which toys you've tried with.

So I have the womanizer.

Okay.

And I have the tango. And I have that massage one that you just talked about, actually.

Okay. The magic wand. All right. I would say the tango might be a great one to start with, because the woman eyes, those, like, very specific clitoral, which I love. But I'm. We're not sure how you orgasm yet, because some women. Here's the thing, and this is why you haven't. Because there's not a lot of information like this, Danielle. So I would say go in and just start exploring without the goal of orgasm, and just take some lube. You got, you know, a few drops of lube, and you just start to rub it, like, around, like, your. Your labia and, like, maybe over your pubic mound. And you just start to, like, lightly, like, trace circles around your clitoris, maybe up and down. Maybe some tapping feels good. Or some circular motion or a little more pressure. Maybe you, like, take your fingers and, like, you rub your clitoral hood a little bit, and you just kind of are teasing yourself. And then you could start with your fingers, and then you could kind of, like, bring in a toy. And the thing is, I had to learn this, too. Like, toys. I would, like, you know, just go, like, right on your clitoris, but you kind of go around it, and you go and you just tease yourself in the same way I was describing with your fingers. But again, keep breathing and just focus when you go into your mind, like, is this it? Is it happening? Is it happening? Just go back to what am I feeling in the moment? Oh, my left labia is tingling. That feels good, you know? Oh God, is it happening? Go back to the moment, what you're feeling and then breathing and that would help you get there.

I will. I will give that a shot.

Okay, Danielle. And also we've got a lot. Thank you for calling. I appreciate it. We have a lot of great blogs on our site as well for beginner masturbation tips. Right Jayme? We'll put those at the on the show notes@sexwithemily.com our show notes are there for you to help you with all the things we're talking about to have better sex. Have orgasms. I love that question, you guys. It's never too late to learn to orgasm. All right guys, thanks for listening to the show, for supporting the show in our 14th year, and for subscribing wherever you listen to the podcast, maybe leaving a review. We love that. And sharing it with a friend. Okay, thanks to my amazing team. Also, Ken, Kristen, Michelle, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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