Porn & Your Sex Life

He satisfies my needs sexually, but he likes that porn star sex, and I'm not into that. It kind of feels like I find myself sometimes crying afterward because I just feel like I was just used.

Okay, well, let me tell you why this guy. Now, how old is this guy?

He is 44.

Okay, well, let me tell you why he likes porn star sex because that's the only sex he's ever had.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conflict conversation around sex. Let's talk about porn, people. In my opinion, porn isn't inherently good or bad. It's your relationship to it that matters. Sexy media can be used for inspiration, education, even healthy arousal. But you can also become dependent on it for sexual stimulation, and it just might have a negative impact on you or your relationship in the process. So on today's show, I'm taking your calls to help you find a healthy balance. She's worried her boyfriend depends on porn for arousal and isn't attracted to her anymore. What? Now he's married and wants to watch porn with his wife. But how should he broach the subject? Finally, her father was a porn addict, and now she's worried her boyfriend might be too. I give her communication tips to ease the anxiety. All this and more on today's porn show, Intentions with Emily for each episode. I want to start off by setting an intention for this show, and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to give you the tools to navigate porn consciously and confidently, from finding what you actually like to creating boundaries in a partnership. It's all possible, but first we have to have our communication in check and understand our intentions with porn in the first place. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, how do I prep for Sex? Is up at sex with emily.com. check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. And if you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sex with emily.com askemily or call my hotline 559-talk-SEX, or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. All right, before we get into today's show, if you haven't heard the news, I gotta tell you Something exciting. I am coming out with a book. Oh, I'm so excited for you guys all to read it. Get your hands on it. It'll be released June 13th. It's called Smart Sex, how to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure. What I really need your help with now is if you could pre order it. Pre ordering is a whole thing in the book world. It really helps to get the book out in people's hands, make sure that as many people as possible are going to read this book and have more pleasure in their lives. And we would love it to become a New York Times bestseller. Can you imagine that? So Smart sex is on the bestseller list and people just have to look at it and go, okay, you know what? Maybe it's time. Maybe it's time I have a conversation about sex. Maybe it's time I get rid of my shame, my trauma, my stress around sex. I really think this book can change the world and I need your help. Please pre order the book right now@sexwithemily.com all you gotta do is go to the dropdown menu, select new book, it's easy from there. It'll also be in the link, in the show notes. And also if you want to support your indie bookstores, do it. You can also pre order from indie bookstores wherever you buy your books. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

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This is from Stephanie. I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now, and I feel like he secretly watches porn to get hard. I'm not sure if he still gets turned on by me, and it's made me feel as if he's unattracted to me. Does him watching porn make our sex less enjoyable? I also feel like I want to have sex a lot of the time, but I can't find a way to satisfy myself effectively. Please advise what I should do and if this is normal, should I be worried? All right. The porn conversation. Does he. Is he secretly watching porn? Porn is a whole conversation. So I understand that feeling. And she doesn't say how old she is. But there is a certain feeling that if we find out our partner watches porn or it's a secret thing, I mean, that's a problem. I think we should just make the assumption that we're all sort of watching porn first off, and why do we have to keep it a secret? And I think that it's because I think a lot of times we get judgment from our partners. And I was that person. I used to think that if my partner was watching porn, it was so confusing to me because I thought he meant that he wasn't attracted to me more. I'm like, of course he wants me to look like the woman in the porn, and that means that I'm not attractive. And it was so confusing. But there's like a learning curve here. Does him watching porn make our sex enjoyable? I don't think that him watching porn is making it less enjoyable. But what I'm concerned about, Stephanie, is your enjoyment. You're saying that you want to have sex all the time, but you can't find a way to satisfy yourself effectively. Do you know, this is. And this, I think, is the real part of the question here is that how you satisfy yourself effectively is to practice satisfying yourself. So if he's watching porn, are you masturbating? Are you figuring out what feels good, too? Maybe you should watch porn. I didn't understand at the point I made these assumptions that that's what it meant. But it doesn't mean that because people are going to watch porn in relationships and out of relationships, and it's part of actually being sexually healthy is masturbating. I think it's important that we all feel comfortable masturbating. I feel like I don't have to tell men that as often. Men are usually like, I'm good. I got this. With women, there's still some shame or Maybe it's just we don't have experience masturbating because it's not modeled as heavily in society. You know, male masturbation is, like, glorified in many ways. Like, oh, of course he's going to masturbate. But women, oh, we're not supposed to touch ourselves. But that's what I would love to see, is more of a celebration of it so you feel more comfortable, Stephanie. So I would say, first off, you don't need to be worried. What I'm concerned with is you figuring out what feels good to you. And don't expect that it's just going to come through penetration, because in this email, it's very. It seems like it's very focused on your partner and what he's doing. And then your second question was, how do I get turned on? Or how do I get satisfied? Now, if you are masturbating and you are having orgasms, then you gotta have a talk with them and say, this is what I need. This is what turns me on. Because our partners are not mind readers. That's another mistake that a lot of us make. We're like, well, I thought he would know. She should have known that I want this. He should have known how to make me orgasm. How would he know? How does she know what you like? Everyone's different. You know, A lot of people assume that every partner wants the same thing. It's like, I'm great at oral sex. My last partner loved this move. Well, guess what? Your current partner, we can't assume they like this move. Okay, let's talk to Nedra, 47, in the Bay Area. Hi, Nijra. Thanks for calling.

I'm calling because I enjoy your talk show. You're very informative. But my issue is this. I'm 47 years old. I've never been married. I'm a single mom to a teenager. But I don't anticipate I'm going to get married I in the future. Because as a black woman, you know, the statistics are stacked against me for that. So what I'm trying to figure out is how to navigate single life with sex partners that don't treat me like a cum dispenser, you know?

Oh, wow. Neater's so loaded. So there's so much to unpack here. Oh, wow. You just said so much. First off, I feel that we've got to do a little attitude change here. Because for you, just saying, you just put that out there like, oh, black women, no one's gonna want to marry them.

Statistically, Black women after the age of 40 have more of a chance of getting struck by lightning versus getting married. And a few years ago, there was a lightning storm out here, and two houses down, lightning struck.

Okay, but, Nedra, you are not setting yourself up for success here at all. What were the chances of me 15 years ago becoming the world's leading sex expert when I was having terrible sex and faking orgasms?

True. Okay, yeah, yeah.

Like, 10 years ago, I sold everything I owned and I lived in a friend's couch. So. And I'm sitting here talking to you about your sex life. So there's a lot of shit that goes down that it doesn't make any sense. So I'm just. We gotta change this whole attitude around. Cause I feel like you're a strong, smart woman. I have a. You're 47. My friends are all 47. And they're. A lot of them are single, some are married, and they're finding love. It's attitude and it's visual visualizing what you want. But if you're going into it like, I'm a cum dispenser and no guy's gonna want me, that's just where we gotta start.

I'm just talking about my current sex life.

I understand. I've been a cum dispenser, too. I've been there. I get you, girl. That's what I'm telling you. I understand, but I want you to.

I don't have the attitude that I can just have sex with a man and not have any emotions. Eventually, I get emotional, and then it becomes awkward, and then I just. Like, I'm good.

Yeah. Okay. But that's been your history. So historically, like, if you take a sexual history, you have been with men and you fall in love right after you get attached, which is very common for a lot of women. Many women are like, no, I cannot have casual sex. That is not for me. I feel very bad the next day. So that's fine. So now we know casual sex isn't for you. My next question is, how are you finding these guys right now?

I just meet them randomly.

Okay.

If I used to have a profile. You know, I tried online dating before, and I met guys through them. But, you know, my main issue is that I've been sleeping with this one guy that I've known for a long time. And I used to have a huge crush on him back in school, but it was unrequited. So, you know, he satisfies my needs sexually. But he's likes that porn star sex and I'm not into that. It kind of feels like I find myself sometimes crying afterward because I just feel like I was just used.

Okay, well, let me tell you why this guy. How old is this guy?

He is 44.

Okay, well, let me tell you why he likes porn star sex, because that's the only sex he's ever had. He's never had anyone say to him, you know what? This is what actually feels good to me. This is what I'm into. He's probably, you know, just when watching porn the last 15 years. And that's the way that they've gotten. Men have gotten wired now to have sex in that way. And then the women they have sex with who are a little bit younger than we are, who, like, just grew up on porn, they are now having sex like porn stars because they don't know how else to have sex. So it's kind of a mess. But what I can tell you, Nidra, if you like this guy, you could be the best thing ever happened. Because you could say, you know what? I. I want to show you some things that really turn me on. Like, this is what I'm into. Like, I really like oral sex. I want to dress sexy. I want to slow down. I want slow sex. Like, ask for what you want. Otherwise, they're just gonna keep pounding away at you like jackhammer and come dispenser and all that. But until you advocate for what you want, what feels good to you, they don't know any different.

And that's the reason why I'm not having sex, because I advocate for what I want. But I just feel as though the lovers I've been with have been selfish.

There are many selfish lovers out there. I'm telling you. I have been with so many selfish lovers, and I used to just kind of, like, just assume that's how they all were. But I realized that many of them appear as selfish, but it's because they've never been educated around understanding that it's so satisfying to be a connected, intimate lover with a woman and a female orgasm. And to give her pleasure and to be in to watch that happen is, like, this beautiful thing. And they just don't know because they were never schooled on how to actually give an orgasm out of give a pleasure. So he probably thinks you're enjoying it because everyone else pretended they enjoyed it. That's why, like, every guy says, oh, every woman I'm with has an orgasm. No, they don't. They're just fake it, probably. Or, like, you know, I'm saying, so you need to be the one that, like, can speak up and let them know what you're into. That's all. Like, I'm telling you, I used to live in the Bay Area. I know these guys. We might have slept with some of the same guys. They don't know any better. And I used to think it was my fault. I was like, I'm broken. I'm not having orgasm. Sex isn't great. Like, what's my problem? Then I realized, oh, it's not just me. Nobody knows how to have great sex. Nobody knows how to communicate around sex. I used to think that it was just up to men. I thought that men knew more than I did, so I would just kind of fake it and go along. I faked every orgasm. I faked everything. I was like, and guys make. You're the best sex ever. I'm like, yeah, okay, because I. But because I'm doing whatever, like, you want, because I don't know how. So this is a great time at 47 years old. And I'm telling you, the more that you learn what feels good to you and how to express it to guys, like, you're gonna change your attitude around men is gonna change, and you won' waste time with guys who aren't interested in learning and being great lovers to you. Young adults say that porn is their most helpful source of information about how to have sex. This is exactly why I feel like sometimes I should just stop doing the show for a few weeks and just develop a curriculum for young people ages 18 to 24 and tell them that porn is not the most source of information about have sex. Young adults said porn was their most helpful source of how to have sex. Slightly less than a quarter said that sexual partners were the most helpful. You guys, you don't understand that porn is not real. Porn is scripted. It is not reality. It is in no way meant to be a teacher. But I get it. This has been haunting me. It's when my friend's son called and he had a question for me. And he was 17 years old. You know, he's in high school. And he just. Very smart kid. He was like. I said, do you watch porn? And he said, yes, because he was having problems with his girlfriend. I said, but you understand that porn isn't real. It's like learning to drive by watching Fast and the Furious. It's scripted. It's not real. He's like, okay, fine, Fine, Emily. I will. I. I get it. Where do I go then, to learn about sex? And of Course I direct people to the podcast and to my website and there's a site called Scarleteen and there's a few other educational sites. But how do we make porn that just is enticing, that is actually real, that's actually educational? It's just going to continue to fuck us up. It's still 18 to 24. They're saying that it's just not real sex. You understand that even when you're watching porn, they're like cheating towards the camera. They have makeup on all their body parts that you think look so perfect. You know, there's no warm up, there's no condoms. I don't know, is there lube? I haven't watched a lot of porn with lube in it. They don't laugh. It's not funny. Things don't happen that are weird and messy. It's just really worrisome that young adults consider porn as a helpful source of information. So that's why we need comprehensive sex education that teaches us sexual social skills. And you realize now from all of our people emailing and calling in, even that are 22, 32, they didn't have that either. So, you know the one woman whose partner says, I, I, we have to have a threesome, we have to have a threesome. I'm divorce you or whatever. It's like, let me be honest, I've had a lot of threesome. Some are good, some aren't. They're not what you think. They're never what you think. It's like, we think that that's going to be better because I'm tired of having sex with my partner. It's just going to be another person to deal with. If you are not a great lover already and you don't understand the rules of sex and arousal and I don't think it's the parents. That's why I want to develop a channel, the Sex Network, that's going to be just all this information for all of you. Boys think more than girls that porn is a helpful source. I'm not knocking porn. You understand that. I think that porn has its use and its utility. And it's hot. It's really good to watch with a partner sometimes and get turned on together. But it is in no way where we're supposed to learn all the lessons. All right, don't go anywhere. After the break, I'm taking more calls about porn's role in fantasies and relationships.

Welcome back, everyone. We've got an interesting call here from Mark. He's 32 in California and He's interested, but a little unsure about bringing porn into his relationship. Hey, Mark, how can I help?

Been married for four years, been with my wife for 10.

And you know, ever since I've been listening to your show, we definitely started exploring. Sex has been getting better and better. I love it. And I'd like to maybe bring porn into our sex life. And what would you suggest or what recommendations with you? Advice to me not being so comfortable or, you know, sometimes feeling not. Not that confident of not being well endowed. And you know, it's like me, you know, where it's. It's my wife's first. I'm her first couple. I mean, you know, partner. Partner. Yeah, I've been, I've been with multiple partners. So, you know, I, I feel pretty confident. But you know, once you, Once you see what's. What's out there, it's like, well, okay.

Well, hey, no, that's what women think. Men think that all women are looking at penises as much as they are. And we're just not like, we're not obsessed with your penis size like you are. So I want you to know that that's number one. But number two, like, what, what is it that you can, like, vet the porn at a time too, and make sure that you're, you know, looking at average sized penises. They're not all massive penises. But also, what's your. Why would you like to bring porn? I'm curious. Has she brought it up? Have you.

She, you know, we. She's not.

Role play.

Yeah, kind of role play a little bit about talking about bringing a woman into the mix. And, and I think, and I think she does it just to please me, which is, I mean, I love it. Right. She does get kinky sometimes with other girls. So, I mean, could we ever get there maybe? Would I pursue it? If she would pursue it, I would say yes. But then, you know, if I'm afraid that she may come back and say, well, can we bring a male into the picture? And you know, that would kind of freak me out. And I honestly straight out be. Probably we be against it. So it's, you know, I'm kind of like tiptoeing around. Do I want to kind of open up that, that door and, you know, myself up.

Huh. Okay, well. Okay, so what I hear you're doing here is I see you kind of going on this future trip around it. Like, I'm gonna bring porn and then she's gonna see there's other penises out there and they're Bigger than mine. And then she's gonna want a threesome and then she's gonna bring a man in and. And I get it, Mark, that all that stuff is real. It's like, is this gonna be a gateway to me decimating my sex life? So, Mark, it sounds like you guys are having good sex right now. You're in a good place. You communicate well.

Yes.

Okay, so I think really it's a matter of, I mean, finding some porn together that you both like. Really? I would say you could search for some porn. We like Erica, Lust porn. You do have to pay for it, but it's more like from a female gaze, not necessarily the male gaze, but maybe starting with the scenarios that you're talking about of a woman, the threesome with bringing another woman in.

And I did read your blogs and I think you even mentioned of some indie porn, which is like not, you know, what you see out there that's, you know, crazy. It's very, very potential. I enjoy that and I do want to present it. And who knows, maybe part of me just will just pursue the. Just the. The girl on girl with her.

I mean, just watching her be. Listen one porn at a time and see how it goes. If you go to. We'll put that up for you on our website too. Mark, thanks so much for calling. At sex with emily.com we'll put up the article. You guys, if you have been to our website, we've got so many. Every day we're posting blogs and things to help you have better sex. We have one about great porn that you will enjoy that's sort of alt porn. This is from Lara 41 in Germany. Dear Dr. Emily, I discovered your podcast last year while listening to your caller daddy interview. I've learned so much from you ever since. You and your guests help me understand my psychology and discover my sensuality. Thank you very much. When I masturbate, I can only climax when thinking of some specific scenario. This scenario changes every few months and is about someone unknown who really craves rough sex with me. For context, I myself like slow, sensual sex with partners. This is not a bad problem in itself. However, when I relax, find a nice setting, use my magic wand and get all excited and ready, I find myself needing to think of my rough fantasy to climb backs clitorally. I find many other things much hotter during real sex. So how could I direct my mind to think about something different? In the past, I watched a lot of porn and for a while I was always thinking of porn scenes while climaxing. I overcame that but would love to think of a real life scenario which excites me while I masturbate. This also poses an issue during partnered sex. Like get super excited and super wet. I know my body and really feel everything. But the last mild orgasm is very tricky because I find it hard to climax without thinking of the same rough scenario. Climaxing is an issue. What can I do to awaken my clitoris? I've tried using toys and with partners whom I like and trust, etc. Thank you so much. All right, let's break this down. It sounds like you might not be accepting or have some judgment around the fact that you're unable to orgasm without fantasizing about rough sex. And let me just say there is nothing wrong with this. And I invite you to approach this in a different way. A reframe, if you will. You're having connected sex and you're turned on and you're wet. That's amazing. And now you simply like to find other ways to connect and climax and stay present to yourself and to a partner if you're with someone. So the first step to staying present is a practice I call mindful masturbation. Which, by the way, I go into depth in my new book, Smart Sex. And this is essentially about you're breathing a lot, you're touching yourself, you're glowing slow, and you're being mindful of all the sensations in your body. So when you're doing this, for example, during masturbation, you're being mindful. When you're trying to be mindful and you're doing this, practice, and remember it's a practice because you might be thinking of many mad things, you might be thinking of rough sex, but all you have to do is bring yourself back to the present moment. Even if you go off and thinking about other things, back to the moment. When you come back to the moment I want you to think about, what are you feeling? Where are you feeling pleasure specifically? Do you feel it on the upper part of your clitoris? Do you feel it in your stomach? Do you feel it in your nipples? What is turning you on from touch? And if you're alone, are you moving the magic wand to different places on your body? Does it feel better on your vulva? Which side of your clitoris you know which? Do you like it on your labia? These are all things I want you to pay attention to when you're trying to mindfully masturbate. Just get curious. This is how we really get to know our bodies better, how we have more pleasure and how eventually, when we're really mindful and present during our masturbation practices, we can then explain to a partner. And now let's say you're with your partner and your mind keeps wandering. Just bring it back to the present moment again. Use the five senses to anchor you. Circle around the five senses and you can start with your eyes. What am I seeing in the moment? Maybe you're seeing your partner's hot body. What are you hearing? Maybe it's the music in the background. What are you feeling? Maybe it's your hands on your partner's body. By the way, love that you're using your magic wand during solo sex and I also hope you use it during partnered sex. If you don't know what magic wand if you've just joined the planet or you just joined the show, it's the original one style Massager. I love their mini model. They have three styles now. They have a mini a rechargeable in the original. I love the mini that's especially fun for partnered sex. And we actually have a new article on our site now called when it's time to Unplug, Plug in a Magic Wand. You can read all that@sex.com magic wand by the way, I want you to release any shame you have around rough fantasies. In fact, it's really common, especially for vulva owners to have fantasies around buff sex. In fact, I think it's one of the top fantasies, so there's no reason to feel shame about it at all. What I'm hearing from you just want to get curious about it. You don't want to be reliant on one fantasy, which makes sense. You want to diversify. So I'm inviting you to do that with some of these tips. But take away all the shame because you're doing great. Okay? This is from Meg, 26 in Oklahoma. I'll get right to it. I recently discovered a decade long, according to him, porn addiction. In my boyfriend, I would wake up to a masturbating porn bed next to me frequently. After feeling disregarded sexually because of this, I addressed the uncomfortable way I felt when he would do it nightly next to me, even after we'd have sex. My father was a sex and porn addict and was sexually abusive, so I know I'm sensitive to porn insecurities associated with it. I wouldn't have this if I didn't have the childhood experience with my father. Do you have any advice about how to get over my discomfort with him watching porn and masturbating so frequently? I hate to feel so insecure and worry that the porn addiction will continue to be an issue and potentially deter us from getting engaged. All right, Meg, here's the thing about pornography in a relationship. First off, I love that you have already sort of done a little bit of digging into this and realize that it might not just be about your partner, but it's about your history. And our personalities are a series of repeated behavioral patterns that we learned in childhood that now we just can't differentiate between them and know that. That they actually. Their habits, their ways of thinking, their patterns of thought that got developed by something that was deeply ingrained in childhood. So, of course, Meg, you would be feeling, you know, that your partner masturbating next to you would make you feel unsettled and threatened and unsafe. And so, you know, my advice would be first is to have a talk with your partner. You know, I always say, timing, turf, and tone. You want to be at the right time. You don't do it when you're stressed or when you're angry or when you're hungry. And you want to do it at the right place. Not in the bedroom. Not like, you know, I wouldn't tell Meg that the second she wakes up, he's masturbating again. To say, why are you doing that again? And getting mad at him? That is not the right time. In fact, the bedroom is not the right time. You want to do it outside the bedroom. And then your tone, it's not accusatory. It's not blaming. It's not shaming. It's like, hey, I thought we could talk about something that's come up for me lately. And so this is what I would say to you, Megan. Say something to the effect of, you know, I know we've, you know, talked about this before, but it sounds like she's addressed it. You have to say, I've really been thinking about this. And when I wake up at night and you're masturbating and watching porn, it makes me feel unsafe. It makes me feel disregarded. It makes me feel like I am not desirable. And I don't think that you're doing this on purpose. I know that you love me, but my history. And you could go into it, this happened with my family. And I know that this isn't something that you wouldn't want to hurt me. And then let him talk and ask him for a solution. First off, before we try to solve it, remember, a conversation is not a monologue. It's a dialogue. And so you say, so what do you think about that. Remember, if this isn't a practice of yours, a common practice, your partner might get defensive even if you said it in the nicest way. Calm way, not calm. And casually. And curious. That's the other thing. You want to be curious. But then you have to keep going back to, this is how it makes me feel. Because they may say, well, that's crazy. You want me to stop masturbating? And you say, no, what I really want is to let you know how I feel about it and try to see if we can come up with a solution. So that would be the first thing, because if. If he wants to masturbate, he could go to the bathroom. He could go in the other room. That might be a place to start. I'd be annoyed just to be woken up if I was sleeping. When I'm sleeping, I am so glad I'm sleeping. Like, if you want to masturbate, just go to the other room. So that's part of it for me. I'd be like, this is waking me up. I gotta wake up in three hours. But the discover it with porn. That's a whole other conversation too. Because When I was 24 years old, I remember finding porn or my boyfriend was watching porn, and I. And I remember feeling so hurt and so confused by it because I thought we were having this really great relationship that I was feeling sexually awakened and we were so in love and into each other. And I felt that he was cheating. It felt like cheating. It felt that he wanted me to look like the women he was watching in porn. Like he wanted me to be. Clearly, he wants to date a blonde. He wants me to have larger breasts. So I thought, it's me. And then you realize that actually porn watching is probably the most typical normal. When I say normal, when it comes to sex, it's like, statistically speaking, most people I know, men especially are going to watch porn. They watch porn in a relationship, out of a relationship. It's actually a stress reliever. And it can actually be healthy to relieve that stress. To masturbate is not a. It's actually a very healthy thing for all of us. And so once I started to understand that it wasn't taking away from me, but it's just a behavioral pattern, a habit that we're gonna do in and out of a relationship, and that it's actually important to masturbate when you're in a relationship.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like subscribe and give us a review. Wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner, you can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Sex with Emily oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sex with emily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-talk-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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