Pregnancy During COVID, Porn Addiction and Finding New Orgasms

Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or partner play. It is the Hera by Jeju. It's a sleek, powerful Rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind blowing clitor vibes Jaejoo is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G spot. It's super soft, ultra quiet, and it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no brainer. Everyone loves the hera and right now you can get 20% off the hera using code emily20@sexwithemily.com hera that's emily20 for 20% off@sexwithemily.com h e r a so if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it. You're listening to Sex with Emily. So you know, we keep talking about how long we've been stuck at home in quarantine and I've given you a lot of advice on dating during COVID and how to please yourself right now. But the one thing that people are dealing with, I mean, if you've been taking my advice and having more sex, is pregnancy. So what, what do you do now if you're pregnant or you're looking to conceive? Well, I have the perfect person for you today. Doula and maternity wellness expert Latham Thomas say Latham was on a mission to create a better birthing experience. She was named one of Oprah Winfrey's Super Soul 100. And her book Own youn A Soulful Guide to Luminous Living and Crowning the Queen within was just published on paperback for the first time. So it's out now and I highly recommend getting yourself a copy. In this episode, Latham talks about improving your birth experience through pleasure. She addresses racism in the medical system and gives tips for empowering yourself through daily mindfulness. Then stick around because we also answer your questions about addiction to porn. And I give you my best advice on how to talk to your partner about difficult topics in the bedroom. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

If we think about how poorly we talk to ourselves, you know, like, oh, I hate my this, I hate my thighs, whatever it is. Instead, let's speak blessing on ourselves. Let's speak beautiful thoughts over your body.

Clitoris is where the magic happens for so many of us. 8,000 nerve endings. And I would argue that the G spot is the internal clitoral nerve. I always like the idea of saying yes to those things that you normally would say no to. I think BDSM is hot because here's what it's going to do for you and here's what it's going to do for me. And painting an actual picture about what it is that you want to happen and how you want that all to go down is so helpful. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them, in a bygone day.

Latham Thomas. Let me tell you about Latham real quick. She's on a mission to create a better birthing experience. She was named one of Oprah's Super Soul 100. Her book own your Glow, now out in paperback, which is a beautiful book, A soulful guide to luminous living and crowning the queen within. It's out now. Get a copy. We've been talking a lot about slowing down and self care. Thank you, Lathan Thomas, for being here. It's so good to see you again. We met years ago and mama glow, your site is such a beautiful site. Okay, so tell me, how has COVID 19 affected this whole like, mothering, pregnancy, birthing process? What do you think? I. I feel we've been hearing all of these things and we need to slow down. This is why it's so great that your book's out now on paperback too, because it's about self care plus birthing and sex. What's been happening?

Yeah, I mean, I think people are having a hard time in Covid, of course, but I think now is a really powerful time for us to be thinking about intimacy, thinking about sexual. Because we're like by ourselves. Right. And I think there's going to be a baby boom. I think that if you count forward 40 weeks, like we're going to have babies like all winter into the spring of 2021. So we're going to be busy as doulas.

What about the process right now? People who've been giving birth during this time, is there anything to know?

Yeah, I think that the best thing that we can do is repair ourselves with advocacy tools so we can navigate the hospital experience as well as making sure that you have support. So what does that look like having your birth village. What does that look like? To have them intact. So having a doula there, having family members, people who can like help guide you through the process is really important right now. But yeah, there have been some states that have made it so that you can't have your birth partner there or a doula. And so some people have given birth alone. Right. Which is really challenging. And so what we've been doing is doing virtual support for clients to prepare them for the process.

Tell me about your practice. Not everyone knows. Right.

Not everybody knows what a doula is. Right. So let's start. First things first. So a doula is a non clin care provider who offers emotional support, physical support, psychological, educational, really advocacy support to help you manage the process. So think about it like having a producer for your birth. Right. Like somebody who shows up, who kind of helps you navigate the process, who takes a lot of the stress out of it, but also educates you with everything you need to know along the way.

I need like a producer for my lunch. I mean, how does everybody not have a producer? I mean, it just makes so much sense. You still messed up the medical system right now and you actually train. You have a training program as well?

Yeah, we train doulas. It's online so people can do it from anywhere. We've had people from all over the world. And then with COVID we took it online and we've had like five trainings since March, which has been incredible. What I think is so powerful about this time is that when you're alone and you have the time to be alone, part of that experience can be exploring what you've wanted to do that you've never had a chance to do. And I think pleasure is part of that. Right. Many people have been spending time alone, getting to know their bodies, figuring out sort of what takes them to a place of pleasure, which, you know, what turns them on, what doesn't. And a lot of that is like self journeying. Right. And so what I think that this could be is a powerful time for self discovery. Whether that's professionally personal development wise and also intimacy wise.

Yeah, absolutely. You know, this is the time we have been forced to slow down and hopefully people are getting to the point now it naturally comes up to really explore, like what is important to us, what's going to stay, what's going to go, what else are we going to do right? Now I know that you recommend because especially being a doula and training other women, you really are working with them from the Birthing process, from the pregnancy process to delivery. But what are some questions? Because you must, in a sense, also be an intimacy coach. A sex coach. I'm sure women have questions all the time about what are the best practices? Can I masturbate? What are the best positions? What kind of things do you share? I mean, I'm sure it's different from woman to woman.

It's definitely different. Part of the experience of pregnancy is that it sort of unearthed our neuroses. Anything that's superficial, anything about our bodies, like, your body's changing every day, but also what you tolerate has changed. You know, like what you would put up with is different when you're pregnant, but also some things that you have curiosities about. You know, I always encourage people to really look at, like, their entire intimacy journey. What does it entail? And then, like, take all of that external stuff and then bring it closer and closer until we get closer to the bedroom, right? Because we know about being turned on. Like in foreplay. When you're. For me, foreplay starts like the day before. I want the house clean. I want it to smell good. Like, there's all these things that I need. And so when we talk about intimacy, what's going to turn you on? How do you turn yourself on? Right. How do you charge up yourself? Right. And so a lot of what that looks like for couples and even single people is figuring out their own, like, learning how to play their own instruments and learning more about their bodies. And so for the first time for many people, they're looking at their vulva, you know, and they haven't looked before, or they're learning like, my boobs are growing and what's that? And so explaining these changes, but also helping them to lean into intimacy, because what we know is that, you know, orgasm is the training ground for an amazing birth. But also it helps with fertility, it helps optimize stress management. And so that actually leads to a better birth outcome. Because the things that we need for intimacy are what we need actually when it's time to deliver. We need the feeling of safety. We need the feeling of security. We need to feel like we're ascending out of our thinking brain and into this primal aspect of ourselves. We need to feel like we're being unobserved, right? We need to feel privacy, even if it's just ourselves. And so how do we create that sense of intimacy, even in moments where we're not as actually physically intimate? Because if you think about the things that we do that stress us out and that Lead to just like this feeling, this naggy feeling and like get us in a rut. Like those things also shunt off, like our pleasure. We don't have the access like we normally would. It takes off our flow. Right. And so the more that we do things that turn us on in life, the more charged up we'll be. The juicier life is the juicier, like, you know, intimacy can be.

It's such a good point that I hadn't thought about how during this process we have to create that environment as well. The other thing I want to say is you've mentioned that women should bring a vibrator to the hospital. 100% I love you. I love this.

Yes, that's right. Because pleasure and pain pathways are very close together, but they don't run concurrently. Right. And so if we think about, you know, starting a pleasure practice in the early stages of labor, it can mitigate the pain. So we can actually shut off some of the pain. So it's a mind and body integrated process. It's not just like using the vibrator. It's like if you're stressed out and you're using a vibrator and you're thinking about your taxes, like you're not going to achieve an orgasm. Right. So you have to also get yourself in a state and relax. But yeah, like, it'll help with the, with the sensations. Right. The intensity of the contractions.

Love it. They're like, excuse me, Doctor. Or maybe they're like, doctor, you can stay, but I'm pulling out my.

I'm doing this.

Yeah, I'm doing this. So let's talk about your book, Own youn A Soulful Guide to Luminous Living and Crowning the Queen Within.

That's what this time is really about, I feel like. And so this book is really helpful for people who are transforming in this crystallization process of thinking of who they want to become. It's sort of a book like that's a companion for that kind of journey.

We all need some tips here because I know now you has a journal aspect to it in the paperback, which I love. So what are some things that you recommend, Latham?

So one of the things that I love in the book that's a practice is about exploring your body. So if you could think about, you know, taking a nice bath and actually doing like self massage, because touch transmits intention. If we think about how poorly we talk to ourselves, you know, like, oh, I hate my this, I hate my thighs, whatever it is. Instead, let's speak blessing on ourselves. Let's speak beautiful thoughts over your body, right? And touch your thighs for a change. Massage your breasts, like, touch every single curve and explore your own intimate topography. I think that's a beautiful practice. It's easy. And it's also a way for us to kind of return home to our bodies. And that's why it's so amazing to have, you know, you and the work that you do, which is so deeply informed by being embodied. Right. It is about being in connection and being in relationship with your body in a way where if you know how to play your own instrument, you can play with others. This is almost like a little stepping stone to get really comfortable in our skin again, especially for people who are challenged in this way. I think that that's like a beautiful practice to start with. You know, touch is really important and we're missing it right now, especially because we're not close to people. And another cool thing you can do is get a weighted blanket, because what it does is it gives a feeling of being hugged, which stimulates oxytocin production and makes you feel really warm and cuddly inside. And so you can do that self massage and play some nice music, light a candle, like create almost like a foreplay for yourself, right? And it could end in pleasure or not. And then like wrap up in a weighted blanket.

There's something about that actual connection where you're using the oil and you're touching your body and you're looking in the mirror if you can, and it's okay if you can't the first time, but you really do start to realize how frigging incredible and how amazing our bodies are and what they can do. And also, if this resonates with you, you've been going through life this far, doing it your way, maybe you could just try something else. We are all needing love right now and teaching love. Like, I feel like you emerge as a doula because you wanted to create a better experience for the birthing process. And now we are, like, in the middle of this upheaval in our country, improving the healthcare system, especially when it comes to racism. Is there anything you can speak to on that right now? I feel like your drive was to change this up.

Yeah, I mean, I think it's such an important moment, right? It's a challenging one, but it's really important because people are activated. And this is also the power of us coming together and using this moment of potency, which has to. I have to say this first. It has to be powered by joy. It has to be powered by pleasure. There is no other way to move through the world and actually be energized without that force. So as we do this work and go out in the streets and protest and do what we do, we still have to come back and restore ourselves through a, through a practice that is based in love, intimacy and joy. I'm such an avid believer in that. Like, that helps me get out in the world and do what I do. And I also teach the doulas. This is that, you know, what we're here to do is sort of be the arbiters of safety, help educate people, get them in connection and in relationship with their bodies, but also with the systems that they are encountering. Right. So if you're doing a home birth hospital or birth center, wherever you're deciding to deliver, you need to understand the options. You need to also understand that is not fit for everyone. And so we have, we're in a situation where black women and Native American women are four to five times more likely than white men to die during childbirth or due to childbirth related causes. That's actually a state of emergency. The CDC has declared that. And the thing that's so challenging is that, and there's nothing that actually protects black women, as we see with Serena Williams. Education doesn't protect you, money doesn't protect you. You would think economic status makes a difference. It does not. And what we know is that the lived experience of racism actually compounds some of the comorbidities and pre existing conditions that make it so that we find black women and Native American women more vulnerable. And so we have to change this. And so what we're doing in our work is further educating people to understand sort of where we are in time. Like I work with first and second year med students, we work with universities, nurses come, doctors come to the training. All kinds of people come so that they can learn how to also be engaged with people in a humane way and also learn the magic and the mystery of this experience, which is so connected. It's really about intimacy. Birth is so intimate, by the way. It's like I want people to understand this process, understand what's needed for someone to go through that experience and come on the other side transformed.

I love that you're incorporating this into all the work that you're doing because you would be the place to go for this. And so people are educated all around. And I love that it's not just for women giving birth. It's like for everybody has to pay attention right now to what's happening in our culture. So I. In our societies, how do we get women out of their own ways? Yeah.

So what I teach is that self care is not just something like you do, but that it's like a moment to moment basis, checking in to see what's needed right now. Just listening to the signals through the body, which is like the arbiter of safety and wants to protect us. And so we get sensations that let us know if something's good or not. And so instead of listening, we take coffee or we essentially silence whatever we're feeling. And I think that that's part of the problem too, you know, and what I ask people to do is listen to what's coming up for you, respond to that. And sometimes self care is not just doing stuff. It's what you don't do. It's the boundaries I set. It's all of that too. And I think if we can think about that as a practice, what we'll start to choose are the things that make us feel good because we'll be so connected to feeling. If you focus on how do I feel? You won't design a life that you have to escape. And I think that self care is not like someplace you go and it's like who you are. Like, I take care of myself. I don't wait until my back is broken down. I have to go to the chiropractor. I listen instead of waiting until I'm broken down. Right. And so it's about designing a life that you don't have to escape, a life that you want to live. And that joy is part of that.

I love that. Taking it every day. We're getting women to understand that it's okay to prioritize their. Their goddess self. That's right. I love it. I love. Thank you so much. This is so helpful. Latham Thomas, own youn Glow, a soulful guide to luminous living and crowning the Queen within. MamaGlow.com, you have such great information in there too, for everybody at any stage. Yeah, I love it. Thank you. Latham Thomas. You can check out her book, everything's@mama glow.com glowmaven on Instagram and Twitter.

Yep.

All right, that's perfect. Thank you, Latham, for being here. We're gonna take a quick break, but stay tuned for more Sex with Emily.

Okay, this is from Meg, 26 in Oklahoma. I'll get right to it. I recently discovered a decade long, according to him, porn addiction in my boyfriend. I would wake up to him masturbating him frequently after feeling disregarded sexually because of this, I addressed the uncomfortable way I felt when he would do it nightly next to me, even after we'd have sex. My father was a sex and porn addict and was sexually abusive. So I know I'm sensitive to porn. I wouldn't have this if I didn't have the childhood experience with my father. Do you have any advice about how to get over my discomfort with him watching porn and masturbating so frequently? I hate to feel so insecure and worry that the porn addiction will continue to be an issue and potentially deter us from getting engaged. All right, Meg, here's the thing about pornography in a relationship. You know, first off, I love that you have already sort of done a little bit of digging into this and realize that it might not just be about your partner, but it's about your history. And our personalities are a series of repeated behavioral patterns that we learned in childhood that now we just can't differentiate between them and know that their habits, their ways of thinking, their patterns of thought that got developed by something that was deeply ingrained in childhood. So, of course, Meg, you would be feeling that your partner masturbating next to you would make you feel unsett and threatened and unsafe. And so my advice would be, first, have a talk with your partner. You know, I always say, timing, turf, and tone. You want to be at the right time. You don't want to do it when you're stressed or when you're angry or when you're hungry. And you want to do it at the right place. Not in the bedroom. The bedroom is not the right time. You want to do it outside the bedroom. And then your tone, it's not accusatory. It's not blaming. It's not shaming. It's like, hey, I thought we could talk about something that's come up for me lately. And so this is what I would say to you, Megan. You have to say, I've really been thinking about this. And when I wake up at night and you're masturbating and watching porn, it makes me feel unsafe. It makes me feel disregarded. It makes me feel like I am not desirable. And I don't think that you're doing this on purpose. I know that you love me, but my history. And you could go into it. First off, before we try to solve it, remember, a conversation is not a monologue. It's a dialogue. And so you say, so. So what do you think about that? Now, remember, if this isn't a common practice, your partner might get defensive. But then you have to keep going back to this is how it makes me feel. Because they may say, well, that's crazy. You want me to stop masturbating? And you say, no, what I really want is to let you know how I feel about it and try to see if we can come up with a solution. So that would be the first thing. But the discomfort with porn, that's a whole nother conversation too. Because When I was 24 years old, I remember finding porn or my boyfriend was watching porn. And I remember feeling so hurt and so confused by it because I thought we were having this really great relationship that I was feeling sexually awakened and we were so in love and into each other and I felt that he was cheating. I thought, you know, it's me. And then you realize that actually porn watching is probably the most typical normal. When I say normal when it comes to sex, it's like, statistically speaking, most people I know, men especially, are going to watch porn. It's actually a stress reliever. And it can actually be healthy to relieve that stress. To masturbate is not a. It's actually a very healthy thing for, for all of us. And so once I started to understand that it wasn't taking away from me, but it's just a behavioral pattern, a habit that we're going to do in and out of a relationship. And that it's actually important to masturbate when you're in a relationship. So maybe there might be some kind of mutual masturbation you could, you could offer in this situation. Meg. Because I love when couples mutually masturbate. Because I want to make sure you're getting your needs met. Meg, I would love to know also if you have any requests for your relationship. Are there things that you need sexually? Because I haven't heard here that your sex life is amazing or anything. So sometimes I wonder if we're just so focused on what we're not getting met. I would love to do some exploring. Mutual masturbation is a great way for couples to learn what each other likes and how we touch ourselves. And it's really hot too. We're gonna take a quick break, so stick.

Okay. This is from Destiny 36 in Texas. Hey, Dr. Emily. I'm a 36 year old single woman living in Texas. Thanks to you, I started exploring myself more and had my first clitor orgasm in 2017 by just using my fingers. This was exciting for me as I never really put the time and effort into it before. Well, now, three years later, I find myself Doing the exact same thing every time I masturbate. I don't have a partner, although I would like one. I have not really met anyone that I like, and the casual route is not my style. My two questions, how could I take my masturbation routine to another level? Maybe try to have a G spot orgasm? And any suggestions how to find a partner in this weird world we are living in? Thank you so much. XxDesign all right, Des, this is a great question. First off, I love that you were first inspired just to kind of let your fingers do the walk in and see what felt good to you and explore yourself. And just remember what she's saying here is that she just started exploring and then had an orgasm. But remember, it doesn't happen right away. And my best advice is just to masturbate. If you haven't before, it's been a while to just start to touch yourself without the goal of an orgasm or what it should feel like. Because then you could really get into your senses and you can really think about, well, what actually feel good. You know, what if I move my hands, I tease myself on my inner thighs? Like, what if you learned all these different ways to have pleasure and you didn't know? So this is what I'm talking about, about exploring. And so you want to take it to the next level here, because you've already had one. And so I think, yeah, why not try internally? I mean, the clitoris is where the magic happens for so many of us. 8,000 nerve endings. And I would argue that the G spot is the internal clitoral nerves. So it's really just knowing that your G spot has a head to it, which a lot of us know, but it also has legs. And those legs extend behind your labia and internally. And so, yeah, you can use your fingers and just start exploring your G spot. It does help to have, like, a clitoral orgasm first or to already be aroused and to mix it up. I don't know if you've ever tried a dildo, if you've ever tried playing with your nipples, too, because remember, it's the same parts of your brain that stimulate your clitoris, your nipples, they're reaching that same part. So it's all responsible for your orgasm and pleasure. They are connected. And so I would, you know, recommend trying out some internal pressure. Try out different positions. So, for example, if you're going to go internally, you're going to use your fingers or get a dildo first. Elevate your hips. Destiny put a pillow underneath you and this goes for literally everybody who's sexual right now, that there's something about elevating just a little bit. And so you're either your partner has more access to your pelvic floor or you do, but it's just a different angle. So much about mixing up masturbation is trying different angles. If you're always on your back, masturbate on your stomach. If you've never used a toy, try the vibration. It feels amazing. I mean, really, it just. You want to use a lot of lube. You can try it with your fingers and you just kind of go inside, applying pressure inside your vaginal opening. And you just apply pressure to it. You can also have a hand on your clitoris and a hand inside. I would say positions. I would say maybe you could even listen to some erotica. I'm really into listening to erotica. There's a site called Triquin. It's Q U I N N. We had the founder on our show a few months ago and it was really popular just because I'm such an audio person, obviously, but I'm visual in many ways. But something about just listening to someone be super, like, sexy and hot. And they have it for all genders, all orientations, whatever you're interested in, they have something for you there. So I would just recommend playing with some of that, playing with positions and playing with timing and seeing if you could tease yourself and just kind of maybe delay orgasm. That's another thing to do, to mix it up. You know, One of the reasons why we love, like, the early parts of a relationship is when before we actually get sexual with someone is because, like, the intimacy starts to build. There's a little bit of teasing, there's a little bit of not knowing what's going to happen next. And we can actually do that to ourselves as well. I like teasing myself. It's a fun thing to do. So I recommend all that Destiny. And then your second question. It is a weird world we're living in. I think we just heard from a lot of people now we're getting creative. People are finding dates on Venmo right now. They're literally looking at people like, who are they paying? Where are they going? And they're finding people that way. And so I think maybe being a little bit bolder and not waiting for someone to slide into your DMs, but you slide into theirs. Because it's literally all we have right now. And I don't think it's a bad idea. I don't love the idea of Even rushing out a meeting right now, especially during COVID you guys, it's still happening, it's still real. But to sort of get to know somebody first by doing a FaceTime date, or, you know, sexting or texting or having more intimate, deeper conversations, I think is the way to go. Especially if it's new and you've never done it or you've always led with sex. My other tip for you, if you really are looking to meet someone right now, is to let everyone know that you're looking. I mean, think about it. When you are applying for a job, you let everyone know that you're looking, right? You're at a dinner, you're seeing friends or your family, you're like, oh, if anyone hears, this is the kind of job I want. This is what I'm looking for. If you're looking for an apartment, this is the neighborhood I want to live in. Tell me if you see anything. I always like the idea of saying yes to those things that you normally would say no to. So try for a week saying yes to like that barbecue of the person you only kind of like, or the neighbor that you're not that into. But maybe they have friends that could be interesting and just say, I'm gonna say yes to all of my invitations for the next week. I did it for a month once. Cause I try to take my own advice, just so you know. And I had made a commitment on the air. I mean, this must've been like 10 years ago. And I was like, okay, I'm just gonna say yes. And I ended up actually meeting some of the closest friends I've ever made and that are still long term friends because I put myself in situations that were not normal, that were off my beaten path. And I also ended up meeting so many people, my head was spinning. It was a very funny time in my life. So I recommend that because to be honest, there's more single people now than ever on this planet. It is true. And there's actually more ways to meet people. I promise you there are people that you can find. They're always out there. And I think that the thing that gets in our way, mostly why we're not in relationships, is because we have so many limiting beliefs around what's possible for us and what's out there. I just think that we limit ourselves from what is possible. My partner won't have sex with me. This is never going to happen. I guess I'm just not a black and white thinker like that. So I get very inspired to Help you see things a little bit differently. Like, okay, you think there's no one left on the planet to date you, but what if that wasn't true? You know, do you ever think like, okay, well, maybe that's not true. And then if you believe it's not true, what's the opposite of that thought? Because there's no, like, objective truth to that. And the opposite thought would be, there are so many single people out there, there's a plentiful landscape of humans who I can meet and have sex with. It's all possible. For all of our limiting beliefs, all of our negative thoughts, the opposite could also be true. I'm just saying, just for a moment, think about it. What is possible for you? I say everything is possible.

All right, this is a 25 year old asking me this question, how to approach a long term partner about BDSM and fetishes. So, okay, so how you approach somebody if you've never talked to them about what you're into or your fantasies or what turns you on? It's simply a conversation that's casual and light and you're hanging out and you say, you know what? I'm so into you. Sex we're having. You can even name some highlights of the things you love and you say. And I realize I'd love to go a little bit deeper with you and hear more about any fantasies you have and what turns you on. And you ask the question and you're like, I thought we could start having this conversation. How great if we could be incredible lovers to each other and fulfill each other's fantasies. And that's how you get the conversation going. Now you have to pay attention to your partner because your partner would say, I. And this happens a lot. Someone would say, I don't have any. Why do you ask, are you not happy with our sex life? I mean, this is like the worst. This is what we all like, why we don't have the conversation. So I'm just telling you that this could happen. Your partner might say, I don't have any. And you could say, okay, well, what's the most. This is where you go next. What's the most memorable time we've had sex? You ask them that question and then you could say, well, I've had some fantasies. Remember, sex is not a one time conversation with your partner. It is ongoing. You don't just have it once. So if your partner isn't open in that conversation, maybe you don't want to get into BDSM and kink. If you don't think it's in their wheelhouse in that moment, but maybe you bring it up again next week. A few days later you say, I thought about a conversation and I want to show you something that I've been into. That's kink. Maybe you explain to them what that means to you. Maybe you have a porn or you have some erotica so they could understand what you want. Because you have to remember this, when our partner brings up something that might be uncomfortable or unknown, we might just shoot it down. We might just say, oh, no. You know, we think of the worst case scenario because we don't really understand it, because we don't really get bdsm. Is that the thing I saw in Fifty Shades? Or what do you mean kink? Or what do you want me to do? And so describing why the fetishes that turn on to you, like getting personal and saying, this is why I think BDSM is hot, because here's what it's gonna do for you and here's what it's gonna do for me. And painting an actual picture about what it is that you wanna happen and how you want that all to go down is so helpful. So you can even practice this conversation. Know that you can build towards this conversation. But all these conversations about our sex life, even if it's not about kink, if it's just about, I want to have more to bring back kissing. We haven't kissed since the beginning of our relationship. These are. This is a great way to approach it by just like open ended. What do you love about our sex life? Like, what a fun conversation to have. Like, what do you love about it? All right, Business with Emily. Find me Monday through Friday from 5 to 7pm Pacific on SiriusXM stars for even more awesome sex top calls and segments. It's a great time. You can find more at sex with with emily.comsxm also, follow me on all social media. It is sex with Emily across the board. Instagram, Twitter, Facebook.

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