Radical Confidence is Sexy w/ Lisa Bilyeu

Okay, let's be real. Confidence is sexy in and out of the bedroom. And when it comes to performance, sometimes a little support makes a big difference. So whether you're craving more stamina, fuller erections, or you're just looking to level up your pleasure game, there's a tool that's been helping people feel more empowered for years. Meet Bathmate, the world's leading hydro powered penis pump. These aren't gimmicks. They're FDA registered, backed by science and designed to give real, lasting results. At Bathmate Direct, you'll find pumps that naturally support size, strength and blood flow, helping you experience bigger, harder, more energized erections over time. And because they work with water, they're more comfortable, more effective, and way safer than traditional air pumps. With just a few minutes a day, the Bathmate hydro pump can help you increase size and girth, gradually boost confidence in and out of the bedroom, improve stamina and performance, support stronger erections through better blood flow. And the best part, it's all natural, non invasive and totally shower friendly. You can literally work out your sexual wellness while you wash your hair. It's iconic. Right now, Bathmate Direct is giving our listeners 10% off when you use code SW10@bathmate direct.com. that's Bathmate Direct B A T H M A T E D I r e c t dot com. Use code SW10 for 10% off. So head to bathmate direct dot com, use SW10 and level up your confidence.

It's like, okay, you were bullied as a kid, Lisa, so you're worried about being rejected today? Okay, yes, that's great. So now let's just take that for reality. I'm worried about this fear over here that's holding me back, but what's my goal? To get on a date. So now what's actually more important? Going on the date and reaching your goal or letting your insecurity take over?

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Housewife turned billion dollar co founder Lisa Bilyeu is a picture of confidence. She's got a thriving business, a partner she adores, and basically is a literal boss. But she also overcame illness, insecurity and massive relationship challenges to get to where she is today. In her new book, Radical Confidence, Lisa shares the lessons that changed her life and helped her become the hero of her own story. On today's show, I ask you about keeping the sexual spark alive in a long term relationship, the purgatory of the mundane and how to have a growth mindset with your partner. Intentions With Emily for each episode, join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it. I encourage you to do it. My intention is to give you tips to be more confident in the world of sex and and dating. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article how to Find the Best Lube for your is up@sexwithemily.com also check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sex with emily.com askemly or call my hotline 559-talk-SEX or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. All right everyone, enjoy this episode.

Lisa Bilyeu is the co founder of the billion dollar company Quest Nutrition & Co founder and president of Impact Theory. She's the host of Women of Impact, a show featuring women who have overcome incredible hardship to achieve massive success. She's the author of the brand new book Radical Confidence. 10 no BS Lessons on Becoming the hero of your own life. Lisa's mission is to empower all women to become the heroes of their own lives. Find more Lisa on Instagram and Twitter @lisabilleu. And don't forget to get her new book Radical.

Confidence. I want to know a little bit about the like now I'm seeing the After Lisa. The After Lisa who's has this toolkit. Tell me a little about the Before.

Lisa. All right, so I'm going to tell you about the Before Lisa, but I am going to put a little asterisk because a massive part of the Before Lisa still lives in today's Lisa. That is so sweet and I really wish what you just said was actually true, but it's not. Girl, I don't always feel confident. And that was the thing that is literally why I wrote this book. Because people are like, oh my God you're so confident. Lisa, tell me what do you do? And I'm like dude, you have no idea what goes on in my head. Like you need to listen to how mean this voice is in my head every single day. And she's still there. So it's like you. What you see, I think is that I show up. What you see is that I don't let the fact that I feel badly about myself and that I might not be equipped to handle whatever I'm about to do. I may not have the skill set yet, but I still do it anyway. And that was really why I started to write the book. Because I'm like, it is a big deceit and it is hurting people if they look at me and think of me as being unanimously confident. Because what I think is the beauty comes in the fact that, that so often I'm scared shitless. When I came up with this book, I was like, who the hell is going to buy a book from me? I don't know what I'm going to say. That actually came out of my mouth when the offer first came to me. And so recognizing that I don't always feel good about myself, recognizing that I have this very negative voice that wants to keep holding me back is very important. And now the book and what I talk about is, how do I keep moving forward? How do I achieve these goals? How do I work towards this freaking big, audacious dream of mine every single day? Working when I'm petrified. Going to my childhood, I didn't even have this mindset that I'm talking about now. So here's really the key, I think is that for eight years I stayed at home supporting my husband, thinking that I needed the confidence to make a change, thinking that I'll have the life I want when this happens. I'll do this when my husband's happy, when I have the money, when I have the finances, when. When I have the confidence. And the question is, how the hell did I get there in the first place? How did I get stuck for eight years and now be the person who is like, I move forward no matter what. So the person that I was when I first started was the person that I thought I had the dreams, I knew what I wanted, but I had the mindset that my parents, over time growing up, kept telling me slowly, slowly, these small subliminal messages. Being a young Greek Orthodox girl that eventually I would end up seeing, staying at home, supporting my husband and having children. So growing up, even though I had all these big dreams, I was subtly, like, dripped on by the messaging from my dad where he didn't want me to study film. And then he gave up arguing with me and he's like, well, you're gonna be a stay at home wife in a way, so it doesn't matter what you study. Things like that. Getting patted on the head when I said, I want to go to Hollywood and make it in movies, and you actually go, you get patted on the head and someone's like, Ah, these are big dreams for a little girl like you. Those messaging is exactly what ended up leading me, I believe, to the life where I met the man of my dreams. I had these big dreams, audacious goals, and yet I slipped into being a supportive wife, feeling like I couldn't own who I was. And over the period of eight years, losing my hopes and dreams all along the way, never feeling like I had the confidence to speak up or deserve to have a different or better.

Life. First of all, so many people can relate to growing up with a message. You are supposed to get married, have kids. There's no choice. Everyone's telling you that around you. But to actually break out of that is a challenge for so many. I think that's so inspiring because I hear from people all the time who are like, they can't even differentiate between what they want and what their parents wanted or their.

Grandparents.

And. And I love that in your book, Radical Confidence, you spend a lot of time unpacking that. Like, it's like the voice of your grandmother. What does she.

Do? My a. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, she's talking back to you. And I think there's so many great tools that people can say, oh, I have that voice too. Whether it's around, you know, many people, it's around marriage or kids or what you're gonna do with your life. So you're able to break through something that helped you break through. And I love this term, Lisa. I think this is gonna stick. Everywhere is the purgatory of the mundane. Now, that was when you were the housewife for eight years and you were thinking, like, what is happening? And I think so many of us can relate to that. Especially after the last few years, we were all on our own purgatory. And it was pretty mundane. So can you talk about being in that place?

Yes. Thank you. I love the purgatory. Mundane. So good. So the thing that I didn't realize was each day I'm like, well.

It'S not that bad.

Today. How are you? I'm fine. How's life? Yes, I'm right. You kind of just shrug it off. Right. And so that's what I did day in and day out. Now, before I kind of go really deep, I do really want your audience to hear I used the example of where I was stuck. My stuckness was being in a role as a stay at home wife. That didn't fill me up. So if someone right now, let's say, is working their butt off and all they want to do is be at Home and support their family. That's my message, right? What are you doing? Does it align with who you want to be? So for me, it was the stay at home wife. I don't want to be that. And I didn't think I would be there for long. I was like, oh, it's for the greater good. For the greater good of me and my husband. For our goals, we're going to make enough money so we can make movies. That was kind of like the dream when we first started. So every day I was like, I can handle this. It's just for 12, 12 months. 18 months, not a big deal. So every day what I was doing is I so self soothing is today. Oh my God. I don't want to ask the question, am I happy? I don't want to ask the question, am I satisfied? Because I worry about the answer. So what I need to do is I need to distract myself. And I think so many of us do this. We have these little distractions every day that we lean into to help us overcome an emotion. For me, it was. I didn't want to assess that I wasn't living the life that actually that I wanted. And so I was filling my day with going to Costco and seeing like, how much can I get for as cheap as I can possibly get my weight, my relationship with food. I would weigh myself every single morning. It was a distraction, these little things that I was doing every day. And so I call it the purgatory Mundane. Because my. My life, it never hit rock bottom. How many people, girl, have you interviewed or you met? Incredibly successful. And they're like, it all started because I had nowhere else to go. I hit rock bottom. My life was. Something major happened and I realized I've got nothing else to lose. And that is what propels a lot of people. But what about to me? The hundreds of millions of us, they're freaking stuck in this place where we haven't hit a rock bottom. And because we haven't hit a rock bottom, we tell ourselves, who are you to complain? And this is where. Can we talk about gratitude? So this is where I go, where gratitude can be beautiful, right? When you're having a life where, let's say in Covid, I'm stuck at home, it's really tough. You use gratitude as a way to propel you to think about the great things, right? It's like, look, instead of focusing on what is bad, let's change our perspective and let's look at how amazing things are. It's wonderful. It's a great strategy in order to take you from going from a victim to them being in charge of your own life, saying, okay, well, I'm. How can I think differently? But here's what I did, girl. I used that to dismiss my unhappiness. I use gratitude every.

Day. I have a roof over my head. I have a husband. Everything's fine.

Yes. Who on earth do I think I am to complain about this area of my life when I'm so grateful to have a husband that loves me? And look how many people don't have that. I'm so bored out of my life. But how on earth can I complain when I have a roof over my head? So many other people don't have a roof over their head, Lisa. And so the gratitude piece helped me initially and then kept me there. And because I didn't hit rock bottom, I kept being in the.

Purgatory. I think a lot of us do that. We're like, well, I could be on the street. I could be. There's so many ways that whenever we get into our negative self talk or feel down in ourselves, we think about that. But I love this twist. And we can overdo it. Like, that's just another way. Way to distract yourself and what you actually want. So how about this? Applying some of these tools, like, how did the radical confidence help get you out of there? Like, what would be the first.

Step? So I think for me, my journey was that I realized after eight years that the when may never come. So I was waiting for when we had enough money to make movies, when my husband is happy, when we're financially stable. Right? Like, I was always waiting for the when. It was either I'm going to wait to have kids until we're, you know, we have the time. And when I started to realize after eight years, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing, expecting different result. And so it got to the point where I realized actually what was happening was the opposite. We were getting more and more unhappy. We were starting to chase an empty dream that didn't feel like it was ever going to actually happen. And so now it's like, okay, are we loving the journey because the success may never come? And the journey we realized was miserable. I said to Tom, my husband, I don't care. Let's stop chasing money. I need you. Like, go in and quit your job. Let's rethink our lives, because right now it is not filling us up. And we thought we had a path. We thought we had a goal. And it's only Leading to more unhappiness. Now, that ended up starting a whole cascade of what ended up being that him and his business partners started Quest Nutrition. Now, at this point, I had the mindset and the belief that I was a great, supportive stay at home wife, and that was the identity I had adopted over the last years. And so when Tom said, all right, babe, we're going to start a new company now, this is going to be predicated on passion. We're all really excited, but we still have to work and do our day job and we'll start this company on the side. Do you mind just helping out? Now? This is my journey. Where the helping out ended up being like, oh, I can do that. The identity being the good Greek wife steps in. Of course I can support you, babe. Of course I can do that. So what I did is every day I would help, I'll ship a couple of bars here, do a couple of things over here. And I just thought it was no big deal. Now, what we didn't expect was the company would grow at 57,000%. And so in that growth, I went from shipping bars for my living room floor on day one to two years later, I had my own facility. 10,000 square foot of just shipping, 440 employees underneath me, and we were shipping out $80 million of inventory. You know, so it was insane. So the catalyst was me breaking the habit of the everyday mundanity of life, being forced into a situation that at the time, I didn't think I had the choice. So our house was up for collateral. So if Quest didn't succeed, we would have lost our house. So that puts that into very simple terms that every day when I thought I was handling something, I had no idea what I was doing. I got the imposter syndrome of who the hell am I to walk into a room full of guys who have been in business for 10 years and how here I am, I've just been a boss of my two dogs for eight years. Like the imposter syndrome, of course, came out. So what did I do? Every time that happened, I was like, well, Lisa, you can let the fear overtake, you know, which leads to you losing your house because you're not acting, or you can absolutely move forward even though you're scared. Now, telling someone to move forward even though you're scared sometimes doesn't help. I hear you're telling me I need to. I hear you telling me why I need to. But the fear and the voice inside me is so overpowering. It's so freaking Strong that I can't move forward. That's what radical confidence is. And when I look back at it and it's like, what is. The things that I did. How did I show up every day even though I was freaking petrified? Go to the point where I need people to actually understand we shipping out. I was printing labels, and then it was like, we just grew so quickly. So, okay, I have to learn this new shipping software. I had to write down, step one, plug in the computer. Step two, switch it on. Step three, click this. If this doesn't open, you need to reboot your computer. That's how much I didn't know what I was doing. And yet every time I even sat in front of the computer and I was like, oh, my God, I have no idea what I'm doing. What the hell am I doing sitting here pretending in like. I know I gave myself the option, Lisa, you can lose your house, or you can face your fear and.

Learn. You had such high stakes, too, of losing your house. What I love in your book is these tools, how to deal with imposter syndrome and the negative voices. And it was a very interesting perspective. I loved. You had some great strategies in there for dealing with them that I hadn't thought of before. And I'm like, this is so great for no matter what you're dealing with, whether you have your house on the line or you just need to get up and go on a date, or it's your first time having sex with somebody and your negative voice is of kind telling you like, I can't do this. This person's had eight more lovers than I have. Why would they want to date me? I mean, this is. This is negative self talk. And I think you have some great strategies if you could talk about.

That. Oh, my God, 100%. I freaking love this girl. So, number one, definitely start with a goal, right? A goal. Yeah, you need to know what the goal.

Is.

Okay? You just need.

To. Dating and.

Sex. So let's say. Okay, let's say I want to go on a date and I want to, in fact, give me a real world example. What are the questions you get asked.

About? Funny you should ask. We're just gonna skip around here because I have some questions that I really wanted you to help me answer. This is John, 23, in New York. He's having a problem regaining confidence in social skills post Covid too. It's been really hard for people. So, Dr. Emble, you wanna start off by saying I love the podcast. Thank you so much for Sharing your wealth of knowledge. Here's a story. Graduated college in May of 2020. Had a long term relationship that ended in July. Been single for while A. He says, I want to start dating again, but I feel like I've lost my confidence and social skills. How do I get back to being the social person I used to be around people with dating, Any help or advice would be.

Appreciated. Love it. Okay, great. This is perfect. So I want to go out and date. Let's just like condense it slightly because sometimes it becomes overwhelming. Like, I want to go out and date and I want confidence. It's like, oh, there's so much. I'm like, okay, let's narrow it down. That's the first thing. It's like, take a deep breath and go, what is the actual goal? Because it's kind of like saying someone saying, I want to create impact. Okay, that's amazing. But that leaves you nowhere to go. Like, there's so much types of impact. Do you want to impact someone on a global scale? Do you want to impact one person? Do you want to impact through writing a book? Do you want to impact through doing a podcast? There's so many, right? So even with this question, it's like, let's actually narrow it down. Okay, let's take the first date. I want to have the confidence to go on a date to now. It's like, it doesn't become overwhelming. I was like, but I need to be confident here. I need to be confident in bed. But what if it ends up leading some. No, no. Take a deep breath. I need that one thing. Okay, Have a North Star. So I want everyone right now to think about what that North Star is. Be very succinct and be very, very actionable. So, you know, did I do it? Yes or no?

Right? The date, did I go on that date? Saturday night is my date night. I'm going to.

Try. Okay, so that's. It's a binary. It's yes or no. I'm going to say, all right, for the next month, I'm going to work on myself so that I can go a date on a date on June 8. Let's just say whatever date. And now you're going, okay, cool, you've got one date, you've set a time, and now it's a. Did I move towards it, yes or no? And now what you do, let's say you've got the month. Now it becomes, what are the small little stepping stones you can do to just go on a date? I'm not Even hear what I'm saying. I'm not even saying I need you to feel that your best, the most amazing person on that day. I didn't say that. I just said you just need to go on this date. So how do we get there? First of all, it needs to be one open to the fact that you need to maybe ask someone on a date.

Great. Write down these.

Steps. Even what it looks like, write down the steps. So maybe right now, the person who wants to go on a date maybe gets offered a lot. They get asked on a date and they just don't have the confidence to say yes. That's what I need them to do right now is say, how can I say yes? I'm not telling you to go on a date yet. The first step is how can I say yes? So I want someone right now to think about how are they going to say yes to the next date? What does that actually look like? So maybe right now, if someone's on a dating app, maybe it's. You know what? I'm not even going to look at their profile because right now, it's not even about making an amazing connection. It's not about feeling confident with yourself. Remember, I haven't said any of that. It is just, how are you going to say yes? And the reason why I'm saying this girl is confidence comes from competence. Which means right now they're going to need to go on maybe 20 different dates of people they don't actually find attractive to build the competence to get confident enough so that when they're on dates with someone that they start to feel the butterflies. They've done the.

Groundwork. I love that we talk this throughout the book about competence equals confidence. Like, you don't just get. You're not just wake up one day if you're still waiting for a day to hit you that you're like, today, I'm the most confident effort. You have to do the steps. And that might be 20 weird dates that you didn't. Everyone was. It doesn't matter. But your goal is to get more confident. But it's not just going to happen. It's by competence means you practiced, you did things, you went out there, you.

Failed. Exactly. So making sure that you've set goal number one, then maybe the next person that asks you on a date, you're not going to see it as a romantic thing. And maybe you tell them because the idea of it, like, is maybe uncomfortable. I'll leave that to the individual. But this is how I think. Like, the Steps. Put in the next step. What's the next step going to be? I'm just going to reserve the time and day. Remember, I didn't say go on in the date. I'm just going to reserve the time and day. Okay. Can you actually do that maybe? Oh, you know what? I can actually do that maybe. You must bail right before the date. I'm not even saying you have to commit. Just commit to it becomes the. Okay, now I've just said yes. Now what you're doing is you're building the skill set to say yes to a date and the skill set to book a date. I haven't said confidence in any of that yet. Now the next step is I just need to go to the date. Great. All right. Now this is where you let all the negative voice seep in, and they come in fast. And I do.

It. I'm going to show up. I'm going to hate it. I'm going to be late. I'm going to wear it.

Right? Oh, slow down. All right, let's take one of those, because this is the negative voice. All right, tell me the.

First. Okay, the first one is like, they're going to see me and walk.

Out. Okay, they're going to see me and walk out. Let's say that's actually the first fear. So what I do and I talk about in the book is I take this bitch in my head and I make her my best friend. Now, as my best friend, me and you are such freaking good homies. I need people to know that if you ask me the truth about something, about, let's say, something you were doing, and I was like, I actually have some constructive feedback as your friend, you would rely on me to be truthful to you.

Right? And you have.

Been. Okay, now, if I lie to you, I'm not a truthful friend, but it doesn't mean that my feedback isn't going to sting a little. Right? Because you want me to love everything you do. I want you to love everything I do. But at the end of the day, as my friend, I've asked you to be truthful to me. So that's how, if we can switch the voice in the head to be like, there's a voice, but what if they had your best interest at heart? So now that voice that you just said, they're going to walk out. They're not going to like my looks. Okay, great. So what is that voice, the friendly voice saying you're worried about being rejected? Let me just sit with that and let me Just process that. Can you actually control someone else? No matter how much you do? No matter how much you do, can you control anyone else? Can you control whether someone's attracted to.

You?

No. It's never about.

You.

Really? It's really not.

Yeah. Now go. How do you put your best foot forward? Don't freaking slum it. Like, right? If this was really a concern of mine, where I go to a date and I'm like, I'm actually worried about being rejected. Okay. This is a really sore spot. Why is this a sore spot? I got rejected when I was a kid and it really hurt. And it's one of my triggers. Okay, great. I'm just giving myself the grace to speak right now, right. To give myself the allowance to hear my voice, to hear what's worrying. It's like, okay, you were bullied as a kid, Lisa. So you're worried about being rejected today? Okay, yes. That's great. So now let's just take that for reality. I'm worried about this fear over here that's holding me back. But what's my goal? To get on a date. So now what's actually more important, going on the date and reaching your goal or letting your insecurity take over? The fear's the ego. The fear saying, oh, my God, don't embarrass yourself. So what's more important, my ego or my goal? And so with now, people ask, like, there's literally no judgment. Like, I want people to ask themselves this question without actually bringing judgment to it. Because then it's like, well, look, I really want to go on a date. It's really like, you want that, right? Thinking in a year, thinking in five years, how will you feel if you don't go on a date? Does that sit well with you? Yes or.

No? Exactly. Because it's going to keep going. They're purgatory, the mundane of not dating. They're fear is their ego is totally holding them.

Back. Yes. So now if you can say that with no judgment, give yourself grace, say, great. So me saying yes to someone, the next person asks, me just booking the date, me not even necessarily thinking of it as a romantic thing, me just going and turning up are all steps in order for you to get better at being the person that can go on dates, even if you get rejected because you can't control how they respond. But now I'm not going to say it's easy. Rejection will still sting. Going on that day and being excited and having that person reject you. Everything I'm saying doesn't make that any.

Easier. It.

Happens. So now what are you going to do if it happens? That's part of your radical confidence tool belt. I'm going on this date. Think about how you're going to show up. Think about what questions you're going.

To ask, what you're going to.

Say. Exactly what you're going to say. Like, really think about it. Put in the time and energy. And so right now, if you go on a date and you're worried about getting rejected, what are the things that you can do that aren't going to bring you to your knees if you get rejected? Maybe let me just throw out a couple of things that come to me in real time. Maybe before you go on a date, you reach out to three of your friends and you say, hey, I really need you to write words of encouragement right now.

So that if I go on this date, this person rejects me. I need to know that I'm not rejected by the people that I care.

About. You can even say to them. Text me three things you love about.

Me. Yes, Love it. Even.

Better. Have it right.

There. Yeah. And now what you're doing is you're not saying, oh, my God, if I get rejected, I'm going to fall to my knees and never be able to get up. What you're saying is, hey, I've done all the steps. I'm going in here with the best intentions, but if this happens, I've got a game plan to help me. Pull me out of it so I don't stay on my knees. And now what happens is, the more you do that, girl, the more you rinse and repeat, the better. Going to the point that we said earlier, the more competent you'll become. So that when you get rejected, you do the groundwork that over time, you realize it's not about you. And now that hurt, that feeling, that sting that you got from going the very first time to. To now, it just gets like. It gets shorter, right? The sting that happened when you got rejected on that first day, it took you a month to get over. But you know what? Now it only took you a.

Week. Give yourself confidence. It's true. That is. That is success. Because it does. And then the longer you wait to go on a date, you just be like, oh, I see. That's what happened. But no, you just keep going. You set up another date. Another date. And what I love, too, in your book. Why?

Why?

Explain. Explain a little bit about. Because we're talking about the negative voices that hold you back. And I think Some people are really aware of them. You mentioned this for a second, but you just make her your. You make it your friend and you're like, what are you saying here? And you kind of like flip the messages or you're like, you have to be able to listen to it because there is some validation. Now you also make the distinction about sometimes we say, well, you should just have more self love. And like, it's not true. Like, oh, I'm worried I'm going to fail, but maybe that some of it is true. So can you talk about, like making it your friend? Like, you flip it and like actually listening to it, but you kind of bring her under your arm. You're like, you're my. You're my bff. You're my homie, as you'd.

Say. Right?

Yeah. How do we do that with like a. Maybe you could give an example of a specific.

Voice. Yeah. That.

You. Because I just think this is a really big one and it ties into fear and.

Ego. Yeah.

100%. I was just like highlighting. I think I even took some stuff in here. No, because I just think it's really.

Useful. The negative voice everyone kept saying, right, okay. Is holding me back. Everyone's telling me to be nice to myself. Love yourself. Okay, great. Everyone's telling me this, this is what you need to do, Lisa. I'm very tactical. So it's like, okay, someone said this, great, let me give it a shot. And what ended up happening was it was getting so much of that messaging and because I was amazing all the time. Be kind, self loving. Because I couldn't. I tried. I really did try. Like, I gave it my all. And I was like, it's actually not. I'm unable to do it right now. And right now the fact that I'm able to do it actually makes me feel worse about myself. Which really what it does is just turns up the volume on the freaking negative voice in your head. Because now you've given her another reason to talk negatively to you. Right. It's like, oh, you can't even get me to shut up. So I was like, I'm so goal oriented. How on earth. This thing I can't avoid. How can I turn it from my kryptonite to my superpower? Saying those phrases, kryptonite to superpower makes me think different. Okay, great. It's really crippling this voice right now. For instance, I wanted to start my own podcast. You said, give me you an example. So I want to start my own podcast. It's just going to be over zoom. It's going to be audio only. My husband's like, babe, we have an entire studio. We've got six cameras, and we have a team. Why the hell aren't you filming? And I realized it's because I was fearful. And so right now, this voice in my head that I was trying to say to shut up wouldn't be quiet. So to the point of it is now getting in my way of my goal. It is getting in the way of me impacting, because I do think content is the way to be able to create impact on a global scale. So I understand my why. I know that I need to get in front of the camera, but I'm too freaking scared, all right? This voice is stopping me. How the hell do I use it as my superpower? Let me rethink this. Okay, She's a bitch. I want to shut her up. I want to, like, punch her in the face. And it's like, what's the opposite of that? Instead of punching her in the face, okay. The opposite is giving her a cuddle. Great. What would that look like? Okay, I'm giving her a cuddle. Which means if you're giving someone a cuddle, you actually want to hear from them. Okay, great. I want to hear from them. So how do I do that without feeling badly? Okay. Maybe think of it as your friend. Right. So I reframed.

It. So making it your friend and.

Listening. So I reframed it, and I said, okay, doesn't want me to get in front of the camera. I finally pushed myself. Just get in front of the. Just do it, Lisa, press record. So again, in front of the camera. And that's when the voice was even louder because I wasn't.

Great. You were talking about your first show that you felt like I wasn't great. I wasn't really.

Prepared. Yeah. So I was like, okay, I managed to get in front of the camera. But to my point about the first date, I said to you wouldn't.

Be great on the first date.

Either.

Yes.

Yeah. So what do you do in those moments that allows you to keep propelling forward because you know your why? So I knew, okay, right now I went in front of the camera. I managed to get the confidence or the radical confidence to get in front of the camera. And now I've totally bombed. And now the voice is even louder. How do I reframe that? So that's where I like, okay, listen to her. What is she saying? Because maybe there is truth in it. So she's now saying, lisa, you had no idea how to open the interview. And I'm like, let me see if she's.

Right. So that was the part of it. That was the key part, is listening to the voice and saying with love and kind of bringing it under your arm and saying, maybe there's some truth to it, and it's okay because now we can have a plan to overcome that negative thing. Like, my opening wasn't that.

Strong. Yeah. And that was the thing. And I looked and I was like, let me see if she's right. And I was like, oh, she is right. And that's where I go to being the ego. The reason why the voice is speaking is because it doesn't want you to be embarrassed. Like, I think she's trying to protect me, which is why it's your bff, right? She wants you to do good. She's trying to protect you, which is why she's telling you this, because she's like, I don't want you to be embarrassed. I know what it feels like to be embarrassed. Lisa, remember that one time? Remember how that felt? I'm here to remind you. That sucks. Don't you ever get there again. It's the ego protecting you. So if it's protecting you to go, okay, right now in the protection, you're stopping me from doing what I really want to do. So instead of stopping me, how can I use you as the fuel? How can I use you to propel me forward? So if you're telling me I'm really bad at my intros, let me just see if maybe you may be right, because maybe there's something I can learn now. If you can go, can I learn from this error? Can I learn from this catastrophic mistake? Can I learn from this really bad date? Now you can go. Instead of feeling badly about myself, what can I learn? Maybe you showed up on that date and all you did is talk, and you didn't ask one question about them. And the voice is saying, it's not all about.

You. It's practical advice because I could see somebody going on this really bad first date and saying, like, see? It was.

Terrible. They didn't like.

Me. They didn't text me back. This happened to me yesterday. I was with my dog park friend because I go to the dog park a lot, out with my dog. And she was saying, yeah, I was going to start dating again. I went on a date, and now I went out, and we were.

Swiping for a few.

Days. Then we met up, and now I haven't heard from him. And I think I'm just going to take a break from dating. I'm like, after one date, first off, we'll never know what, what happened. Maybe he went back with his ex. Maybe he, who knows what? Maybe he reminded him too much of his ex. We'll never know what that person's thinking. And like it just made me think of how he will just quickly like take one thing that doesn't go right and they just go back to their.

Purgatory. After quick word from our sponsor. Lisa shares the tools she's developed in her long term relationship with her husband, Tom.

Bilyeu.

Oh my God. Okay, I love this. Can I give you one thing in real time that I actually just thought of what I would do in that situation if I was that person. I would recognize. Oh my God. This is a pattern. No judgment, but this is how I normally do it. Actually, I've noticed this about myself. So being self aware is actually beautiful before you even go on the date, in fact. So say, you know what? Yeah. I am that person that when I don't. If I go on a date and don't really like them, to be honest, it never even bothers me. They don't text me back after three or four days. But I've noticed when I really like someone after a day I start to get.

Anxious.

Beautiful. Don't judge yourself, just write that down. Now that you know yourself, come up with the rules. But you do it before your emotions get taken in. So what I would do is like, I know myself well enough. I know by after date two, I'm going to be the one that's probably texting them. Hey. And that's where I keep going wrong. Amazing. Now I know. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to write down Lisa promises herself. I would do something like that. Promise is a big word for me. So I'm using words that would trigger me on purpose. Whatever words, like people want to use, whatever that thing is that they can attach themselves to. And then I would write a rule list. Like literally I would say, no matter what, you don't text them for five days. That may be terrible. And maybe like you don't want to play games, but, but maybe that's the thing. Maybe you're like, I don't want to play games. So after day three, if they haven't reached out, I'm going to text them once. And this is what I'm going to text them. Hey, I had such a great evening. Now remember, I'm writing This without having even gone on the date. Hey, I had such a great evening. It'd be great to meet up again if you're.

Interested.

Whatever. You write all of this down before your emotions are tied up in it. So now when it happens, when you've gone on that date and your mind starts spiraling of all the things, you go back to your cheat sheet and you go back and say, I know myself. Well, I know my feelings really want to, but this is why I wrote the cheat sheet as my guide to stick to. And what I'm going to do is I've made a promise. Oh my God, it says Lisa made a promise to herself. So I'm going to keep it and I'm going to maybe, maybe I'm a little obsessive and maybe I'm going to hold onto this cheat sheet with my life. That's fine. But have something that allows you to act not on emotion. Because we all know that emotions ebb and flow and that we sometimes, we can't necessarily trust them to be our North Star of how we should.

Act. So you're talking about having all the barriers and having the toolkit in place, having your list so you know where to go if your mind starts.

Spiraling. Let's see, you keep going right about self aware. Well, what if you're the person that doesn't keep going back to it because it actually hurts you to go back to it? No judgment. Now you know yourself. So what you're going to do before you go on this date, you're going to set an alarm in your phone and you're going to go, okay, I'm going on a date on Saturday. I know myself. I may not refer back to the sheet. I may probably start feeling these feelings after 24 hours, especially if I like them. All right, I know this about myself. I'm not going to judge myself for it. I'm not going to beat myself up over, I'm not going to compare myself to others. I'm just going to accept that this is who I am. And so what I'm going to do is I'm going to set an alarm on my phone 12 hours after I've gone on that first date. And the alarm is going to say I love you, refer back to this sheet, whatever words you.

Need. Well, I love it because it also gives you like a built in sort of a net that can hold yourself. Because if you like after the date you're like, well, my next step after this date is I don't have to think about it now. I've got 12 hours. Maybe this alarm goes off or like it just kind of helps you think. Like, I've got a plan for this. I've got a plan for this. Because our emotions are not predictable. Our emotions are not really our. They're not going to there to help.

Us. They're actually there to hurt.

Us. And I love that we talk about like the negative self talk is your ego, which really is your friend trying to protect you in a.

Way. And so now you've broken this down. Right? You can see how this is literally guys, what I talk about in my book. So when you see me sitting here confident in front of the camera or, you know, listening on the podcast, like everything you hear me say, I was the person that was petrified to sit in front of the camera. I was the one petrified to do interviews. And how the hell do I go from the person that was petrified to being here today? Easily, with confidence, being able to talk about this stuff. It was because I did everything. I'm just saying it wasn't because I had a magic spell. It wasn't because I convinced myself it wasn't because I have something, some magic spark that other people don't. It was that I did the self awareness piece, I did the assessment.

Piece. I did the plan, I prepared and you prepared. You were talking about all these tools that you had in place. Like you were saying after the first show that you're like, I made sure I had the intro written here. I practiced the intro next time.

So I didn't falter on the.

Intro. And I had my closing and I had, I had papers and notes in front of you and all the, the structure in place to make sure that it didn't happen.

Again.

Exactly.

Sure. It was great yelling back. It was.

Fine. And here's the thing. But it's actually important for me to say, so you go back, watch it. The very first words out of my mouth is, I introduce the guest. And then I'm like, oh, shit, I didn't even say who I was. You actually hear me on the camera say, oh my God, I didn't even say my own name. So I actually don't mind that. Like, it's the beauty of showing the truth of my evolution. And that's what I'm trying to say for people at home. So going back to everything we just encompassed is that right now you can see how I would say, even if I'm the person that's petrified to go on that date, to your question that you even asked. This is literally how I go. Cool. What's the goal? Narrow the goal down so it doesn't seem overwhelming. Create a game plan. Have a backup for your game plan. Do a self assessment, know thyself, Put all these actions into place and then make a commitment that you're going to do something on X date and it doesn't have to be perfect. So. So if it's a YouTube channel, people really want to do their own stuff. Great. Put in a date and say in a week, in seven days I am going to have press record on my iPhone. I didn't say post it as a press record. So having these little baby steps so that you know how to approach it and then thinking about once you've gone on that first date, knowing how you're the type of person that responds in a certain way with no judgment or writing those things down. And then having a game plan that then allows you to have a go to cheat sheet so that you don't let your emotions get in the way and get in the way of that dream goal of building your confidence to go on.

Dates. It's good because it can feel so insurmountable. So what I love about that is that and you have this all all in the book radical confidence is this you have the step by step plans. Like you show how you actually break these things apart, which I found to be just so useful for you could use it whether it's in the boardroom or the bedroom, however you want to break it down. So I also love your chapter of validation is for parking. So can you unpack real quick? Like what? Validation is why it's so important to give it to ourselves and not necessarily take it from others. I like your perspective of like why do we see it from others and how do we actually give it to ourselves, which is what really.

Matters. So validation to me really is a like, maybe we can even use a different word. Like, how do you feel about yourself? And you feel good and where do you get that from? Like, do you feel good when other people give you the compliments and pat you on the back and tell you how great you're doing? Yeah, probably a lot of us do and that's actually okay. The problem is, is where now you don't feel good about yourself if no one gives you that validation or you don't feel good about yourself if someone's actually saying all the things that you're not good at or that you're doing wrong. You're going to hear me say This a lot. Give yourself grace to just take inventory, because that's where we. I always want to start. It feels good to me when this person does this and when they don't actually don't feel good about myself. This is just an inventory of where you get validation from currently, and then another inventory of what you do every day to give yourself validation. Maybe right now that list is empty. That's okay. We're just taking inventory. So now that you've got your inventory, now I'm all about a game plan. Stepping stones. So what is the one thing I'm going to do today that is just me? Because you have to build up your internal validation. You have to build up muscles, isn't.

It? It's all building up these internal.

Muscles and then giving yourself grace to be certain days you're going to fail. And it's like sometimes, even with everything I'm saying, I've written a freaking book. And sometimes I still find myself looking externally for validation. And sometimes when I notice, I'm like, oh, it's all good, Lisa, you're back here again. Don't sweat it, girl. You got your game plan. Now jump back in. So I don't pride myself on being perfect. I don't pride myself on being a one and done. And that is because I'm actually not perfect because I'm never a one and done. And so going back to how do I take something that actually doesn't serve me and flip it? It's like, I used to want perfection. I used to feel badly about myself, and now I'm like, how can I reframe this? I'm not the person that seeks perfection. I can feel good about that. So now I say out loud, going back to the validation piece, where do you get external validation from? And now how do you start building your own? Because I wouldn't even start with push out other people's validation. I would actually start saying, build the skill set within yourself first and then start looking at the external and how you make sure you don't tie your value and worth to that. So what are you going to do today to bring make yourself proud of yourself. Like, what would actually be so in fact, here you go. I'm going to give it. Can I give it to me. Before we started, we were doing an audio check. Our sound guy said, hey, Emily, what did you eat for breakfast? And you said out loud, I had a smoothie that I actually made myself. And immediately, oh, my God. Made a smoothie yourself. Because we've been friends for so long. I know you.

Don'T. You kind of.

Cook. Yeah. You don't do any of that. And you're like, yeah, I did. It's two days, but I did it. And I was like, in this moment, girl, hell yes. You feel proud of.

Yourself. Two.

Days. Did it again. You did it for two days. So where are you building validation? You said, you know what, I want to make a smoothie myself. And for two days you did it. Now here's the thing. You may not do it tomorrow, might not, but right now it's a lot of cleanup. But right now the validation piece is you said you were going to do it and you did it. So I want people right now to go, what is the thing that I can start with it all is stepping stones. Don't jump in. What is that thing you're going to promise yourself that you're going to do today, that at the end of the day you can pat yourself on the back? That's what I'm looking.

For. Because every day there are things every day.

Girl. I used to compare myself, my body to other people, to external, right? Like, oh my God, she's so beautiful. She has six pack abs. Being a quest, starting quest. It was very much the fitness space, right? So it's like, oh my God, she looks stunning. Blah, blah. Now I feel worse about myself. That was external, right? Like, if I happen to have better abs than someone else, I feel better about myself. If someone else has better abs than me, I feel worse about myself. So kind of getting to validate all or in fact getting validation from other people telling me how good I look, right? All of that is very real. And I used to be there. And I realized that's what got me into an unhealthy relationship with food. That was what got me into an unhealthy relationship with my body. Because it was like someone else is giving you the pat on the back. Someone else is telling you how amazing you look. You're comparing yourself to others, and now the validation comes from what they look like, not what you're bringing to the table. So I realized that was really bad for my mindset. So what I did is I was like, but I love working out. How can I use the love of that to empower me to give myself the pat on the back? And so I said, lisa, you're your own competition now. What would that look like? Okay, great. Today, Lisa, you did five push ups. Can you do tomorrow six? Like that's it. And now what I'll do is the next Day, I'm like, Lisa, you're going to do six. And now let's say I'm trying to do six push ups and I don't hit it and all I do is five. What I'm doing is immediately after I'm like, I'm so proud of you. You gave it a shot instead.

Of, I can't believe you didn't. You're.

Lazy. But now it's me against me. So I'm removing the external influence because that's the important part is removing the external influence to be able to give you a signal either.

Way. So tricky though, Lisa, to be able to turn around. I mean, it's so deeply ingrained to go, I can't believe you didn't do that. 6 Push up. How hard was.

It? And that's.

Why. So that what you're saying is that it's just you against you.

Correct. What is the thing that's external? Bring it internal. So let's say my body, how I feel about myself, I'm looking at other people, I'm judging myself based on who I'm looking at, not actually on how I feel and what I've accomplished. And so I need to go, how do I take this external thing that I'm looking at and turn it internal. So that was the first thing. Take this about myself. Then what are the challenges I'm going to do to give myself the validation? Right? Because let me tell you, sitting on my ass and just saying, yeah, Lacy, you got this. No, I don't believe I deserve me to give myself a pound of back for that. So what am I going to bring that I feel like I can validate and feel good about myself? Today I'm going to try six. And now to your point about, but what if you don't do the six people? Beat yourself up. I'm going to repeat to myself, I'm the type of person that shows up and tries to do better. So now, and if you need that as a mantra, put it on a post it note at the gym while you're doing it as the reminder, then do it so that when you've gone to do those six push ups and you've only been able to do five again, you turn around, you see the post it that says, I'm the kind of person that just tried to do six. And now you're cultivating the mindset of giving yourself the validation of the person that tried. And it's not external, it's internal. It's very tricky, but it takes assessment and that's where it's like, that's why it's very.

Analytical. You have to like, for many people who are stuck in their emotions and their limiting beliefs, your tools really help them sort of get out of it. It's very practical.

Yeah. Because I get it, I understand why the beliefs we've had, the way we were brought up. If you're someone that literally imagine like I think of myself as like the 14 year old girl that didn't believe in herself, that looked in the mirror, didn't think I was, you know, brought any.

Value. I want to talk about that though for a minute because you've been so open about your body struggles and body image and how you felt and what you've been through with that and I think that's so brave. So thank you so much for kind of talking about that in your book because I know that's really, really not easy. And so I'd love to hear more about that and how it sort of has helped you kind of how you've moved past it. But how have you learned to like heal your relationship not only with food but with your body and how you think? Because I think also we definitely get questions people like I feel so bad in my body that I can't imagine being naked with somebody else. And it can just hold us back when really again it goes back to confidence and some, some really deep healing you've had to do. Can you talk about.

That? Yeah. Actually the biggest part of where I struggled the most with my confidence is really where my health deteriorated at 14. I didn't believe in myself. I was teased for my look. So I definitely had very low self esteem. I was the person that just tried to fit in. So I definitely struggled with that. And so I think that building my mindset in other areas of my life of how I feel about myself, myself, how I feel about myself in business, how I feel about myself in a relationship then has that knock on effect to then like take it into the bedroom and take it into my relationship with my husband. But it all starts with the internal work. And so I had slowly built it up through time through these strategies that I'm saying. But even when I thought I've got this right, like I'm confident in bed, I've been with my husband for a long time now. I know everything he likes, he knows everything I like. I know I can turn on the dime, right? Like you can get, you get confident over time. I've been with my husband for a long time and then my health deteriorates and my health literally, as, you know, like, it went from one day I was fine. The next day, you know, I drunk a bottle of champagne or a whole bottle, but I had a sip of champagne and a lifelong health struggle that was kind of teetering ended up totally spilling over. And so from that moment, for over a year, I could barely eat anything. Like, I was on like four different ingredients that I could eat. 4. Lamb, salt, coconut oil, and like chicken. I was losing so much weight, so I was like 20 pounds lighter than I was now. My hair was falling out, my nails are brittle. And so this happened after I built my confidence, happened after we'd built Quest Nutrition was announced as a billion dollar company. So I need to put it in perspective for everybody of how something can absolutely knock you off your, you know, your, your. The way you feel about yourself and everything that you've built up and how something can really come along like that. And so in those moments where I was like, I couldn't stand out for longer than five minutes at a time. So I ended up like, it was a very long journey. I'm still on it, but just people like, what the hell happened? You. Yeah, it was like I had Sibo, I had Candida, I had a parasite because I couldn't battle it because I had all these other things. I had gluten intolerance. I mean, it was like a whole spiral of craziness. But that's why I couldn't stand up for longer than five minutes at a time. I couldn't wear a bra. And so you can imagine. Do you think I feel sexy? Do you think I want to have sex with my husband? I was crest falling. I prided myself on being like the hot wife. I loved it. I loved the fact that my husband can keep his hands off me. I love the fact that my husband would every so often just randomly grab me and throw me on the bed. You know, like, that's freaking sexy. And here he's the most loving man on the planet. So he would be like, baby, you okay? What can I do? Like, you know, do you need to go to the toilet? Right? Like, that's how it went from.

Sexy. Like, that's not hot.

Right? Here's the thing. I couldn't even touch me. I would wince. My stomach hurts so much. So now how the hell do you come back from that? And so this became a really big struggle for me. And it was like I felt guilty, right? Because now here I am, a very sexual being, not being able to be sexual. And so Number one was I had to sit with my husband, and I just had to tell him how I was feeling with no judgment. And it was like, I just need you to give me space so I can say how I feel. And so that became a baby, I don't feel sexy. I realized I got a lot of my confidence by feeling sexy. And because he was, oh, you don't have to worry about me, baby. Like, just sick, like. And I was like, but this is a me thing. This is a. I feel sexy. And he's like, okay, so, you know, how can I help you? What are the things? So it started to be like, well, maybe right now I just need to give myself grace that for maybe for the next six months, this is a new idea identity I have to transition into because I had the identity of being the hot, sexy wife. And so now how do I give myself grace to slowly say, this isn't where you are now, Lisa. How do you focus on getting better? And does the emotion of the guilt and everything serve you getting better? And so it was like, no, even if. But let's face it, even though you know the guilt doesn't help, you can't help it. So I would be very honest with my husband. I feel really guilty. I need to talk to you about this. I need to have open communication with you about this. And I need to have a very transparent conversation, because here's the thing. I'm the one that's sick. But it affects both of us. It's affecting both of our relationship. It's affecting our marriage. And so I don't ever want to be that person that was like, I'm sick, Sick. So you have to deal with it. I need you to be open and tell me how you're feeling. He's like, babe, how. Like, I'm not going to come to you and say, hey, I'm not sexually satisfied. Like, he's like, you're sick. I need to support you. And I said, yes, but I need to actually hear, because maybe it's like, well, babe, what if you watched porn and I was next to you.

Like, and I was trying to innovate, like, so you guys kind of innovate. You kept talking about it along the way, which I think you. And tomorrow, you also have your relationship theory we've talked a lot.

About. And it's.

Very. It's similar tactics to this. You guys actually break it all down using boundaries and conversations and rules and all the ways that you guys can really learn to connect better and to continue to grow after. Is it 20.

Years?

Yeah.

Yeah. We're.

Back. A 20 year.

Wedding. Oh my God. That's. It's amazing. That really is. I mean, truly. So you and Tom, what I love is you guys talk a lot about the growth mindset versus a fixed mindset. And you've been on my show before. We'll link this. People can listen to last shows, but you have talked a lot about, you know. Well, first off, maybe you can quickly define what the growth mindset versus fixed mindset for people who aren't aware of it and how you apply that to your successful 20 year.

Relationship. Yeah. Thank you. So as a quick umbrella is, a fixed mindset is you believe that you are born the way you are and that your brain and your skill sets are what they are and you can never change or fix them. A growth mindset says, hey, I may not know it now, I actually may be terrible at it now. But you know what, My belief system allows me to say that I can learn it if I try. And it's the, the idea of saying I can't or I can. Right? It's the language we use. It's like someone saying that's impossible versus I don't know a way yet. Some people may not even realize they have a fixed mindset and that's actually okay. And just say, oh, okay. So getting to my goal, having the life I want, having the relationship I want or anything like that just means I need to start thinking in a different way. Okay, I can start thinking in different way is a sign that you are now developing a growth mindset because you believe you can start thinking in a different way. So that's kind of the difference between a growth and a fixed mindset. So now in a relationship, that belief system is, let's say a fixed mindset would be I must always be a stay at home, supportive wife for my husband to love me. Right? That's, that's being very fixed. Or it's saying, I can be whoever I want and I'm going to work with my partner to figure out how we stay happily married through these transitions. Because I know a lot of couples find that as the problem. Some couples have like, hey, I really want to change, I really want to grow, I really want to do this. And the partner doesn't get it. My partner doesn't understand. And now because I'm changing, we're now splitting apart. And so I say with, when it comes to that sort of thing, where it's like, okay, what am I going to do in my Relationship that allows me to have a growth mindset. It's saying that this has come up in our relationship and we can figure it out.

Together. Can you give a recent example of something that maybe you and Tom have worked through in your relationship? That using this. That's a little bit different. What I find with most couples is that they're together. It's the longer they're together, if they don't have a growth mindset, they haven't done work on themselves, they haven't been in therapy. They haven't. They're just sort of having the same arguments over and over again. And then they just accept, well, my partner's always going to want to, you know, have more sex than I do, or my partner is always going to not listen to me after I tell them all these things. They won't remember things at the end of the day. Or, I know you guys have a great example about the we. How you guys have chosen to spend time together on the weekends. It's never going to be the same, and we just give up. I love your stories about how you and Tom have actually, like, gotten into the things, had these conversations. I think some people were like, I could never do that, but you actually do it. And it's. Here we are 20.

Years. Yeah. Thank you. A lot of my assistance in my relationship with my husband is I looked at other couples growing up and even friends that I have where I'm like, oh, that didn't sit well with me. Oh, why do they do that? And then Tom and I talk about it, and so it became the amount of guys specifically that I've heard say, a happy wife is a happy life. That breaks my heart because it's like, the babe, I want you to be happy, too. Like, I don't just want your happiness to come from my happiness. Like, I thought that about him as.

Well. I know you're, like, happy. That's how you were raised.

Though. That's. Yeah. And it doesn't serve you. It doesn't bring happiness to the relationship. So if you can take a step back and say, okay, my goal is in my relationship is for both of us to be happy so that we can bring happiness together. And that's what makes a beautiful relationship. If you can actually sit with your partner and just agree to that, like, that's step one. Like, I want to be happy, and I want you to be happy. Do you agree? Yes. Okay, great. Now you both agree. What does that actually look like now? A lot of us care so much about the other Person that we adapt to what they want. Well, I know my husband really likes soccer. So, like, we're just going to watch soccer even though we're freaking. I hate it right now. What happens is, you don't mind doing that the first year. You may not even mind doing that the first couple.

Years. Honeymoon phase. You'll do anything.

Right? You do that after 20 years. What happens now is you're resentful. You're like, I'm fucking sitting here watching the bloody soccer again, and I don't get to go shopping. And now what you're doing, you're making slight comments. You're making slight comments at your partner about the soccer game. And it's like, well, hang on a minute. Twenty years ago, you were okay with it. You're not the one that's spoken up. And now you're making snide comments and they're feeling badly about it. So how do we avoid it? And so it's the game, the selfish desire game, which means, babe, I don't want you to think about me. I don't want you to even take me into your considerations. We have an entire Saturday right now. What does your selfish desire look like? And he may say, babe, I want to play video games for the first four, four hours. Then I want to have sex for the next five hours. And then, you know, maybe we'll cuddle for 10 minutes. He's not thinking about me. Remember him? And did he just walk.

By? He did. At the perfect.

Moment. My husband literally doesn't work. Right. We're still.

Filming. Hi.

Tom. Yeah, we're still filming. Hi.

Baby.

Hi. So literally, he just walk.

In. I saw.

Him.

Yeah, no, no, it was recording. It was just perfect timing. So funny. So, yeah, he literally just walked with, like, sex for five hours. But that's what you do, right? Because here's the.

Thing. Note.

Take. I want you to have the space and freedom to say exactly what you want in life. And I want to be able to have the space and freedom to say exactly what I want in life. And now together we're going to.

See. So you each state your own selfish.

Desire.

Exactly. And then.

You. Yeah, so he's just stated his selfish desire. It was basically split the day between gaming and sex. And I'm the one that's like, all right, babe, I want to have breakfast together. And then I want to. I want you to give me a back massage for 30 minutes. And then I actually want to watch a comedy, the most romantic comedy. And then I want to take a dip in the pool, and then I want to cuddle. And then maybe if we have time, yeah, let's have sex. In fact, I wouldn't say that. I'll say, and then we'll have sex.

My day looks very different to his now. Imagine he just kept giving me what I wanted. He's going to be resentful because all he's doing is sacrificing for me, and all I'm doing is taking. And that doesn't sit well with me. A relationship is give and take. And so in those moments where we have these discussions go. We have this every Saturday morning. Every Saturday. And in fact, I asked him that last Saturday because we have this discussion every Saturday morning. And he's like, same as last week. And so it was like, well, now we've actually optimized our days. But we both have the most. The dream Saturday. But we got to the point where we did that, and how did we get there was because we assessed. So now the key here is, now what you do is you've both said what you want, and now you sit together and say, how do we make a happy medium? Or maybe that isn't what you do this week. Maybe you got all the things you wanted last week, so maybe you make a deal with them. You're like, you know what, babe? Last week you did my day. Exactly. And you didn't complain, and you were so wonderful. So this week we're going to do yours. Or maybe you make an agreement and you're like, oh, my God, my day is so amazing. I actually want this day. And in exchange, I'm going to give you your day. So this Saturday we're going to do mine, and next Saturday we're going to do yours. Do you like that? Oh, my God, yes. And now there's no resentment. Now you both get what you want. Or maybe you come to an agreement and it's a half half. Or maybe it's, hey, Tom may say, babe, I don't want to watch that freaking romantic comedy, but instead, what if you hit up your friend? Watch the romantic comedy with your friend Emily. When you guys do that, I'm actually going to go play video games. Because, remember, I said I wanted to play four hours of video games. I'm going to go play video games while you watch your movie. And then this thing that we said that we wanted to do here where we both wanted to have a romantic meal and I wanted sex for four hours and you only want sex for 30 minutes. What if we still have the romantic meal and Then we get together and we, you know, see where the day takes us. And, like, look, there's no pressure. I'm not going to have you do. What is it that you do where it's like, sometimes you're just sitting there for, like, four hours and staring at them and.

Like. Tantric.

Sex. Yeah, tantric sex. Thank you. That's the one. So maybe I'm just like. And like, we're not gonna do tantric sex today.

But.

Right. But instead we're going to put on porn and we're gonna do an.

Hour. Because the average is. He once for you, went 30 minutes. Like, you can kind of average that out, too. Like, so you both get your needs back. And it's just. It's so practical.

Yes. And I don't want people to think it's like, I'm sitting there with a timer. Like, I just want to make like, the point is hearing what your partner wants and then feeling heard. Like, I can't even remember who was said. Like, the number one relationship rule is that a woman wants is to be heard.

Yeah. Heard and seen. I think we all do, right? Yeah. And then we think we don't even know how. So I think this is a great tool. I want everyone to play this right now for your partner, whether it's not about the Saturday, it's about your next vacation. Maybe it's even about how the week went down. I fed the kids. You never came home once. I want, you know, like, you know, we had to go see your parents. We never see my parents. Like, I think a lot can come up for this. And if you could just look at it, like, let's throw it up on the wall, all the things we want to do, like, even in the next month, if it's not just one day, and figure out where could you guys make compromises so you're both getting your needs met. Because the resentments soon turn to contempt. And that's where relationships. It's really hard to get back to a place where you just resent to contempt, to where we can't be in the same room together and we'll never get over it. And if couples. I don't care if you've been together for, like a week or you've been together for 10 years. This is an exercise that people can do right away, early on, because you don't even realize how much you're sacrificing because you're like, I want to be a good wife, a good partner, a good person. And we don't talk about any of this.

Stuff. Yes. And it feels great at first because the other one's like, oh, my God, that's so kind of you. You're so sweet. And then what happens is, if you keep doing it now, it starts to become a habit, and now people don't even realize it's a gift. Right. And so what ends up happening is, like, years later, you're like, well, you should be doing that. You're like, hang on a minute. I only started doing it as, like, to be nice, and now it's a should. You know, it's like, I was just joining you watching soccer because I wanted to bond with you, and now, like, you're having a go at me because I've made a date night with my friends and I'm not watching soccer with you. Like, that's how one of these beautiful gifts turns into an.

Expectation. Feeling appreciated. That's the other main thing. So many of us don't feel appreciated in relationships. Yeah. Constantly. Keep appreciating. Oh, Lisa, I'm so proud of you. I think that radical confidence, 10 no BS lessons, and becoming the hero of your own life. That this book is such a gift and there's so many great tools. With all the roadblocks we're feeling, whether it's in your relationship, whether it's in your sex life, in your business life, there's so many ways that we are just not confident holding ourselves back. And what I love is, it's not just like, you read it. You're like, yeah, that feels better that you give prayer practical tools. So thank you, guys. It's really well.

Done. Thank you. And I. So. I'm such a freaking fan, you know, I just freaking love you to death. And then be talking about confidence in the bedroom, talking about confidence with, you know, having sex with a partner and being intimate is such a big thing of who I am and part of how I've really been able to show up in business and show up in other things. And so it's such an important work that you do. And that's why, like, I just. I want to be your biggest cheerleader. Because if this book can really help anyone find that confidence with their partner in the bedroom, like, it's so important. I never want people to think, you know, or, like, forget about how much this plays a part in every aspect of our lives by being confident in the.

Bedroom. I think what I'm hearing you say, too, is that through doing it in the business and learning how to manage people and learning how to manage yourself, and it impacted your life in the bedroom. Like, you show up. Because a lot of what's holding us back in the bedroom is that we're not feeling great about ourselves. We didn't have a great day. We didn't keep promises to ourselves. We didn't validate.

Ourselves.

Right. I think we've spoken about this before as well, but, like, our hormones make a difference. There's definitely a time in your cycle that you're going to feel more badass. There's going to be a time in the cycle where you shouldn't be lifting weights and you should be doing soft stretching. There's going to be a time in your cycle or where you don't feel great about yourself and giving yourself the grace that you're not always going to show up super confident in the bedroom. Giving yourself the grace that, hell, if you just don't eat for a few hours, we get hangry. So to think that you're going to be able to get confidence all the time in the bedroom with sex is, I think, just not being realistic with ourselves. And the beautiful thing is to say maybe today I'm actually feeling a little vulnerable about my body. And I've been with my husband for 20 years and I still, still do sometime. And so, like.

It'S. How do you handle that the days you're not feeling great about.

It? I've learned to not be like, I used to be the person. Whereas, like, and maybe a few book on relay where you try to say it quickly before the other person.

Notices.

Okay. So for instance, it's like, if I'm not feeling great and I'm feeling, oh, my ass feels a bit saggy today. Right? I almost used to be the person that was telling, would tell my husband first before I thought he would notice because it was kind of like that safety.

Thing. You can't choose.

Right? Like, of like, thank God I can say it first because I know he's thinking it. Like, there's that mentality where it's like, oh, babe, I know I don't look great today. Or I know my ass looks flat today, right? And he's just like, are you freaking joking? And here's what's. Part of me, number one, part of me is trying to do it and say it almost like, no, no, I do know this is happening. Like, there's that kind of like, almost. I didn't want him to think that. I don't know, which is a terrible reason. But it all came down to insecurity, right? So I'm saying it out loud because I'm so freaking insecure about it. I don't want to worry whether he's really thinking it and just not saying it. So the insecurity in me is saying it out.

Loud. So how do we not do that? So I've been there, too. I get, like, I know of that together. I haven't showered yet. Yes, I would love to talk about that for a minute, too, because it's like, oh, I haven't showered. I haven't done this. I know. I'm sorry. My hair is a mess. They're not likely. They're not thinking that. And in fact, if they are thinking that, like, you got other problems, really? I would think because they're attracted to you, to your essence, your energy, they're not noticing that. But how did you learn to not do that? Because that is a practice a lot of us do all the time. Oh, no. I'm sorry. Even if it's workout I spilled on myself or my hair, you know, how do we not do.

That? Step one, take inventory. When do you do it? Do you do it with someone more than others? Right. Because maybe you do. Maybe you do it more with, like, a work colleague than you actually do your partner. Why? Because you're actually more insecure around your work colleagues. Right. Take inventory, literally, of who you do it with, when you do it. But with Tom, it was taking inventory. Oh, my God. I always do it around Tom. I usually do when I'm naked, and I usually do it when I'm not feeling great about.

Myself. So you'll say, oh, I know. I look like.

This. Yeah.

Okay.

So. So usually even the not feeling great about yourself doesn't even have anything to do with actually how I look. Right. So with Tom, I basically just took inventory of when I was doing it and when I do it, and I don't feel good about myself. I. I don't even just mean when I'm naked. I mean, like, oh, I felt like I really felt at work this week. I actually let that person down. They told me I let them down. So now I actually thought a bit bad, and I'm bringing that feeling into the bedroom. Like, what are those things? What are you identifying? Take inventory. And then literally going back to a promise. I'm all about, make a promise to myself. I just promised myself every time I go to make a reason. Bite your tongue. Like, literally pierce your lips. People can see the video. I'm not piercing my lips and pushing my lips down. That's it. Like, I just need a Rule. Every time you've taken your inventory, you know when you're naked around your husband, this is what happens. Great. What I'm going to do, Pierce my lips. That's it. Just don't say it the next time. What are you going to do? Say something nice, maybe. So the next time, what are you going to do? Say something amazing. Right. And so you see, I put the stepping stones in and it all comes to assessment. Take inventory, come up with a game plan, and then keep.

Practicing. I love it. Five quickie questions we ask all of our guests. Very quick, get.

Ready.

Okay. What's your biggest turn.

On? Oh, my.

Husband. Biggest turn.

Off.

Oh, God, not my.

Husband. That's a terrible last time. It's true. Good work. What makes good sex toys? Something you would tell your younger self about sex and.

Relationships. It's.

Amazing. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about.

Sex? Oh.

What'S the. Oh, I've got a quick one for this. What's the one? I gotta say toys again. Like, it's. Dude, life. Game changer. And if I can just do a little side note. Here's another. I can't believe I didn't say this. Building confidence in the bedroom. Have other people and friends around you that are confident in the bedroom. Because when I met you, I was so prudish and I love. I love you, girl. And so it's like you would say things and I'd be like, like, why did I accomplish. Just said that? But you, you made me more comfortable about talking about.

It. Congratulations on your.

Book. Thank.

You. Love you, girl.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review. Wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner, you can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. SexWithemily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 54 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemily Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

There's one overlooked mineral behind better sleep. Sharper focus stronger muscles and a healthier heart. And at least half of us aren't getting enough. Most people don't realize they're low on one of the most vital minerals for human magnesium. And here's the thing, no single form of magnesium can deliver all of its benefits. That's exactly why Qualia Magnesium plus was created with 10 highly bioavailable forms of magnesium plus over 70 essential minerals. It provides total magnesium support, helping you sleep better, think clearer, move stronger and feel your best every day. And honestly, when you're less stressed and more energized, your intimacy and desire naturally benefit too. Sure, magnesium can help you sleep sleep, but Qualia Magnesium plus goes beyond that. It's a whole body nourishment for how you think, move, connect and feel. More than just a sleep supplement. It's a foundation for daily well being which absolutely supports a healthier sex life. Getting enough magnesium from food alone is harder than ever due to depleted soils and chronic stress and our body's reduced ability to absorb it as we age. Well. Qualia's Magnesium plus formula is non gmo, vegan, gluten free and designed to organize all the ingredients, work together for comprehensive magnesium support. And personally, I've been taking Qualia Magnesium plus in the evenings and I really notice calmer nights and clear mornings and just feeling more grounded in my body, which always makes intimacy feel more accessible and enjoyable. It's become such an easy part of my nightly routine. Experience the most trusted magnesium for your purity, potency and performance. Go to qualialife.com sex with Emily for 50% off. And here's a bonus use the code Sex with Emily for an additional 15 off your order. That's Q U A L I A life.com sex with Emily thanks for Qualia for sponsoring this episode.