Random Acts of Oral With Shani Hart

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Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm talking with Shani Hart from Hart's Desire about her mission to elevate and normalize sex. Oral tips for her pleasure and her number one turnoff. Also, Dr. Jen Fried is here with her monthly Astro sex forecast. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

I'll put it underneath me and I'll sit on it so I get that stimulation so I'm around and that makes me give it that. A blow job.

I think one thing you're saying that is really important is if who I am isn't really attractive to you for one reason or another, let's move on quickly because there's billions of people and I actually don't want to try to be something for you. I'm not. So that maybe you'll love me.

If I don't have a great conversation with someone in a connection, I'm not turned on. Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a Bygone day.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today's episode, I'm talking to two wonderful women. Today I'm talking to Shani Hart from Hart's Desires. Shani has a unique experience entering sex education and the sex toy industry, which is, you know, famously dominated by white people. And as a black woman who wants to elevate and normalize the conversation around sex, like us, we talk about how she got into the industry, what she loves about her work, and how life affirming and energizing it's been to talk with other people about sex. You know, she owns a store in the D.C. area and she's got some wonderful stories. We had such a blast talking. She's hilarious and fun and she even has a great tip for keeping yourself in the mood while you go down on your partner. You're gonna love this tip. You have to listen for this. She's funny and you're gonna love her answers to my five quickie questions. But first, we hear from my friend Anne. Sex with Emily regular Dr. Jen Freed. She's a psychological astrologer. She joins us monthly with her Astro sex forecast. So you wanna listen up for your sign and what you can expect this month. And hey, listen, I get it. If you're not into signs and you're like, think it's all bs, Let me tell you this, she writes beautifully. And if you hear anything and even if you're not, I'm a Gemini. For example, if you hear something about another sign, it's okay. It can speak to you in a way that I think you're going to find very inspiring. We also talk about what it means to be sexy. I mean, do you feel sexy? What makes you feel sexy? What do you find sexy in others? We're going to talk about that, which I think is a really fascinating conversation. All right, guys, hope you enjoy the show.

Happy September, everyone. Here we are. It is September. I can't believe it either. And I can't think of a better person to welcome in the last day of summer, Dr. Jennifer Fried. She joins us here every month to set us off with our astro sex forecast. You can find her at Dr. JenniferFreed on Instagram, Twitter. Dr. Jennfried. She's awesome. Jen, I feel so at peace when I see you. Jen, how are you?

Yes, well, we were just saying before we got on the show, Emily and I both have taurus Moon. So our love language is touch and being with people and eating with them and touching them and all that. And we're both like, in cages going, let me out. I want to touch.

Yes.

So I just want to honor that for me. And therefore I threw my back out. I think it was like a little rebellious. If I can't touch, I'll lay down.

That is happening, really. And also, we're just not moving as much, but we're just not doing the same things. We're doing well. I'm wishing you such a loving recovery. We're also going to talk about what is sexy. What does sexy actually mean? I love this idea. But first, Jen, I think we got to just do the astro sex forecast and tell everyone what they have to expect this month according to their sign.

Okay, so this month, it really is about turn on your sexiness, people. And so I'm gonna run you through every single sign of the zodiac. But if something is appealing to you, claim it. Cause you have every sign in your chart, even if your sun signs just one thing. So listen up for what meets your sexiness quota.

Aries.

When you are completely confident about what you need and also fully interested in the needs of others, you are irresistible. Let no one dim your fireworks. Just tell them to wait patiently for the grand finale. Taurus. When you inhabit your body as a sacred, unending pleasure temple, you enchant people to their core. When you crave lusciousness, turn here, Turn inward. Turn. Gemini. Emily. When you reach for the level of a transformational conversation, you just simply bewitch people. Don't let common thoughts or ordinary banter get in the way of your maverick brilliance. Cancer. When you are as soft and yummy as a cookie, but also as sturdy as a mountain, people can't help but pursue you. Never compromise your boundaries to make other people like you. You are the sweetness worth behaving for. Leo. When you crack open your heart and let the light pour out to make others shine, people cannot get enough of you. Your generous love is a floodlight of seduction. Virgo. Let go of the perfection and highlight every flaw. As sheer genius, you'll become a siren of attraction. You know better than anyone how to look through the cracks and see where the light comes in. Libra. When you realize that beauty is built by appreciating life, you bathe in a regal glow. Others want to be with those who know the secret is to not have what you want, but truly love what you have. And Scorpio. When you face darkness like just an Old friend and bring the hope back in like a giant skin street lamp. Others find you utterly beguiling. Fearless to feel you make people want to dive in. Sagittarius. When you speak your truths not as swords but as vulnerable invitations, you are spellbinding. You never need to promote what is unflinchingly authentic. Capricorn. When you lend your immense competence in service of the ultimate good, but you also take time to smell the orgasmic roses, you become a walking aphrodisiac. Don't let doing become the boss of being Aquarius. When you are truly as empathetic and warm as you are utterly disarming, people will fall at your feet. When the sky blue meets the turquoise of the deep sea, no one can resist. And finally, Pisces. When your dreamy nature finally grounds in practical, earthly manifestation, everybody wants a nibble of you. Maintaining a mature focus in your life, undistracted by shallow temptations leads you to your full erotic superpower. And that's September.

Wow, Jen, these are just getting better and better. What I saw is about when you let go of this, whatever your barrier is, and you truly sees who you are, then you. I feel like that is the sexiest thing ever, right? We always say, like, I think confidence is sexy, but what does it actually mean? And it's like in all these signs, you're giving people permission to sort of embrace who they are. Like, letting go of, you know, speaking their truths, not as swords or being vulnerable. Disarming people with your truth.

Yeah. Sexiness for me, is when people dare to be who they are and not try to imitate anyone else. You know, we're all made so perfectly, uniquely. And I think there's a lot of pressure to conform and somehow wear or talk or walk like somebody else. And actually, the people I find the sexiest, like you, Emily, there is no carbon copy. There's nobody even remotely walking the planet talking like you are. So it's really. I think it's about that. It's like, how can we just light up our own beautiful being and then shine that out? And not everybody will be into us, but enough people will be.

But what is sexy? What is sexy to you? You know, I think it is somebody who stands out. Right. They're somebody who's uniquely themselves. Confidence. And I guess confidence is such an interesting concept, too. It's not. Yeah.

Confidence is a buzzword. We don't really know what it means, but it's a certain vibe we get from somebody that they're good with them. Like, you Know, they're not waiting for your approval. And I think that's very appealing because so many people are yearning, do you see me? Do you like me? And that's a little bit of a turnoff for most people. But when people strut into a room and whatever shape, size, color, whatever they are, they're just going, I'm good with me. You're like, I want a piece of that. Right?

Exactly. Yeah. That's why I always say when everyone's calling in, they're, how do I be sexier? How do I do this thing in the bedroom? And when you say, like, confidence is the sexiest thing, it's like, truly authentically showing up as who you are wherever you go, whether it's in the bedroom or in the boardroom. And that is a process. I wish. I think going back to even my 20s, I remember being so confused by feeling like I had to pick a lane. I remember feeling like I had to decide, who am I gonna be? Am I gonna be the person that goes to these concerts on the weekends and does these things, or am I really into my job? I was like. It really felt like it me made like putting a pin in who I was. And then you realize now it's like, I don't have to choose. I just embrace them all. And I was having a conversation with someone who worked with me recently in her 20s, and she was like, I don't know what to reveal. And I remember that struggle, and I think some of us never let go. We keep assuming we have to be one way, right?

Well, I think we have all been inundated with the imposter syndrome, which is faking ourselves into some pretzel of conformity, because there's a idea, unconsciously, that there's the right way to be and there's the right sexiness, and it's all a lie. But we, especially younger, think, well, if I can only hit that mark, I'll get love. And what I really found out in my path, and Emily, for sure with you, is being loved is absolutely Be yourself, or you won't ever trust that somebody really loves you. You'll think they've just bought a fake package. That's not reassuring.

Mm.

Jen, that loops back to the imposter syndrome. That the reason why I think a lot of us engage in toxic behaviors or fear of intimacy or commitment issues. There's so many ways to call it here, to slice the toxic behavioral trait, but it's typically because if we don't feel that we are authentically ourselves, we Wonder how am I lovable? You don't really know who I am. You don't really see me. Cause I'm not showing you who I am. So therefore I can't love. Cause once you see my darkness and all these secrets I'm hiding from you, you're gonna leave me. And that's why we all walk around hiding ourselves. Once you start to shine light on those things and embrace the things in you that you think cannot be seen. The things that make you ugly or wrong or you know that lovable are actually things that make you lovable when you own them, right? You're only as sick as your secrets. It's just. I think this is something you grapple with a lot. But eventually you peel back the layers. Right? Right.

I think one thing you're saying that is really important is if who I am isn't really attractive to you for one reason or another, let's move on quickly because there's billions of people. And I actually don't want to try to be something for you. I'm not. So that maybe you'll love me. What kind of arrangement is that? So, yes, not everyone's going to be into us the way we are. God knows I'm an acquired taste. You know, it's a big issue here. But some people adore me and some people don't. And I don't have to be looking at who isn't interested. I just have to look for who is and resonate with them. Because there's enough people, if we're honest. We're all here looking for love. All of us.

Jen, that is such a good point. And this is exactly what I. When people, they call in and they're. We're always trying to make adjustments for our partners or do things that we think are gonna make us attractive. But, like if someone doesn't want you for who you are, the kinks that you're into or the sex you wanna have, I believe that's not an area to compromise. Or someone shames you for wanting something sexually or making you feel like you're not even sexy or desirable, then onto the next.

Well, a great psychologist says many people prefer safe objects than people that are good for them. Meaning some people just get so attached to people, they'll take whatever they get instead of letting go and having nothing. So it's part of the human brain that we go towards security sometimes, even if it's not a good relationship for us. It takes a lot of support. And people like you, Emily, that are available to talk to and friends to say to somebody, you are really worth more than this. I know it's scary to let go of the known crap, but there really is a whole bigger world out there.

Yeah. This is such a good point. It's like we're afraid of being alone, so we stay in something that's unhealthy because we think it's gonna be horrible. So it's like we feel like we're choosing, like we have a certainty that we're always gonna be alone, so we stay in something that is just not right for us.

Your opinion on something, Emily? A good friend of mine has just madly fallen in love with somebody at a distance. And I know both of them. The guy's fabulous, she's fabulous. But they have never met. But they talk hours on the phone every night. Like they're really, really into this and they're going to meet. And I saw her yesterday, had a glass of distance wine, and she had just had some Botox and fillers. And by the way, I'm going to do that tomorrow a little bit over under Covid. Anyway, I like to say all this stuff because this is the stuff, right?

Yeah.

And so I said, so, are you going to tell them about that? You. I said, are you going to tell them about that? She goes, no, but she had just said, they're open about everything. And I went, number one, I can tell you just got Botox and fillers, so I don't know who you're kidding. But number two, I find it so interesting what things we think we can say and can't say to keep the love. Right.

Oh, God damn.

For all of you out there that are doing enhancements or penis strengtheners or whatever everyone's into. It's like we're all just wanting to look our best and some of us.

Right. Feel our best.

Yeah.

And if she's with a guy who's like, you got Botox? I don't want to be with you, then don't waste your time on the phone with him three hours a night.

I love the idea that they're so open about everything, but I'm not going to tell you that.

So they've been talking for months, you said, I keep hearing about these relationships and FaceTiming so they see each other. Yeah.

Yeah.

But they haven't actually touched each other or smelled each other yet.

No. And I said to her, and this is, you know, you and I are so different. I never think, oh, I'm madly in love with somebody I've never touched. But I said to her, I'm very concerned about the chemistry. Like, what about the kissing, the touching, the smelling? She goes, I have no concerns. And I went, wow. Pretty confident that this talking. I'm going to find out in a few weeks. I'll let you know. Is it as big as they think it is? Because they're like, this is the greatest love of ever.

I think this is happening a lot right now, especially during these times that we're in that people are doing long distance and they're. They don't know yet. I can't wait for the great reveal. We're gonna take a quick break and then you can hang out. We can come back. Yeah, we're gonna talk about, like, what is sexy? I wanna talk about you and what's keeping you from love. Don't go anywhere. There's more sex with Emily coming right up.

I'm here with Dr. Jennifer Freed. We just did our astro sex forecast. We're talking about what is sexy. But I think so many of us think we don't ever get to decide what is that. We think, oh, well, this dress would be sexy or walking this way is sexy. But really it's something that's authentic to us, I think, is what makes us sexy. But what do we find as sexy? Like, you and I might not find the same things sexy, for example, for sure.

I was gonna say there's a difference between sexiness and my preferences. Because my preferences are like, oh, I prefer men that are tall. Oh, I prefer men that are not too buff. Like, I don't actually like it when they're all built up and all bulky in muscles. That's a preference.

I find someone who's passionate about something, like they have an uber passion. I mean, hopefully they're passionate about their life's work. And someone I can learn from, someone who inspires me, that is very sexy to me. Someone who just gets excited about something. Right. They're not just sort of phoning it in.

The truth is, we could find anyone sexy by just a moment of recognizing their soul. Like, there they are. They are so freaking sexy. And I think preferences are the way we guide ourselves to people. But I've been blown away by, wow. I never thought I'd be attracted to that person. And there they are. It's amazing. In my case, I can be attracted to men and women and even trees in nature. I mean, I can find myself just get so excited about life itself, Right?

Yes, I absolutely feel the same way. And I think that's why now a lot of Younger people are identifying as, you know, pansexual or. I'm open to many things because I think that we have so many restrictions about what society will allow us to be, what we find attractive, who we're attracted to. But to realize what if there is no limitations? Like, what if it could be any gender, anything. And you get to decide, I think, that sexuality and what we find sexy could be looked at in the same way if we could just remove all of our restraints of what society thinks as an Aquarius.

If this speaks to any of you listeners out there with Aquarius in your chart, my fondest desire is to get way past all these identities and genders and everything. So the only criteria for hooking up with somebody is are they good for you, are you good for them? Do they bring out the best in you? Or are you actually going to come away from that relationship ignited to be the best you could possibly be and feel? That's what I wish were the only reason people got together.

How do we get people to that place? Yeah, how do we.

Well, it's the starter is getting through all of these inhibitions, all of these taboos, all of these identities that we think we are. We think we're these fixed nouns. I'm a this, I'm a that. But hey, maybe not. Maybe today I'm a woman, maybe tomorrow I'm a spirit. I mean, who the heck really knows what we're really all about here? There's no real consensus on fixed identities, Jen.

It's so well said. It really is. I mean, that's part of it. It's like when I say be confident, I don't mean confident like, let's say sexually, that you learned all these skills. It's truly walking, moving in your body in a way that like, you know, what feels good to you.

Confidence means go with trust. And so it's this inner trust. And I think what's really appealing in the bedroom is that you don't rehearse your moves, that you're not like, phoning in something you've seen in porn or something somebody showed you one day if you're fresh to the moment and it's like, oh, I think I like cunnilingus like this. But maybe today it's like that. It's like not getting a of sense set mind about I'm only this forever this. That's when we shut down. Because really, sexuality is about living a bigger and bigger experience of life.

Yep, exactly. Jen, What a great way to put it that if you are present with every sexual experience and you say, you know what? Whatever I've learned in the past, whatever performance or moves or things I've learned. This goes for everyone listening your next sexual experience. Try to be as present as you are and as mindful you are of the person that you're with, even if you've been with this person for 20 years. And if you truly focus on that moment and what needs to happen and your connection with that person and what you actually feel, what you both feel together, you realize that every time you're having sex or with a new lover, there's always a new opportunity to create something together without any of, like, what did we do last time? What do we do now? If you're truly locked into each other, that's the flow. That's beautiful sex.

You just reminded me that if you're really present, you are always having a new lover. Because if you aren't rehearsing, that person that showed up with you this time is not the same one you had last time, nor are you the same. I mean, let's face it, if you track yourself daily, moment to moment, there's really not the same person there every moment. I mean, I'm not the same person.

It is a funny idea. Literally, you guys would not have recognized me an hour ago. But you know, it's funny, Jen too, because through my work, people like, oh, what have you learned? And how have you become better sexually in 15 years? And I have to say that I used to think like, I had a lot of bad sex that wasn't satisfying, that wasn't. And I realized a lot of that was me, that I wasn't showing up as truly myself. And so I think that every time I do have sex, I can pretty much turn a negative experience into a good sexual experience if I'm with a partner that's willing to be present. I think I can pretty much create a new experience every time if that makes sense. Like dancing. Well, Jennfried, thank you so much for being here. I so appreciate you and everything that you have to say and calling in with for our listeners and helping us and your astro sex forecast and your friendship. And you are just a beautiful, wise friend and spirit. Dr. Jennifer Freed. Like people can find you on facebook.com.

Just look for me. Jenniferfreed.com I like to hear from your listeners and follow me on Instagram. But you know, mostly I want to say again, I think that your show, Emily, is part of busting those doors open and turning the lights on. And I think that if there were just a thousand million more people listening to you every day, we could all get over it more quickly. So that's why I show up.

Thank you, Jen. Thank you for showing up for us. All right, I'm gonna take a quick break. There'll be more sex with Emily. Thanks, everyone, for supporting our sponsors. You know, we only work with sponsors that we enjoy ourselves. And I hope you do.

I'm excited to welcome my guest, Shani Hart. She's a sex educator, a speaker, she's owner of Heart's Desires, which is an erotic boutique in Washington, D.C. you can also find heartsdesires.com and go shopping there. I'm so excited to welcome you to the show.

Thank you. I'm excited to be here. It's so funny saying all the zoom things everybody's doing. I'm excited to be here, but I'm like, in my office, right?

Exactly. I'm in my home. But we get to be together. And I've heard so many wonderful things about you. Tell me about your experience. What got you to actually start the store and your sex education. What brought you into this industry? Because people always ask me that. I'm always excited about other people's journeys.

And that's probably one of the number one questions I get asked. Second one is probably how to squirt. But first one is, how did you get into the sex toy world? Actually, my husband started the company before we even met. So he had one store, and when we were dating women, we're not supposed to pop up on people, but I was the pop up queen when we were dating. So while he was at work at the store, I would be like, hey, I was just in the neighborhood and I stopped by, you know, I wanted to see what was going on of women customers.

Yeah.

And he's, you know, he's not a shabby looking guy. So I had to, you know, check.

On asset selling vibrators to women. I would show up there more than not. I was just in the neighborhood.

Right, exactly. All the time. Just in the neighborhood. And then eventually he was like, well, since you're going to be here all the time, let me show you how to work this cash register. So he showed me how to do that. And that was my whole job, working the cash register. But people used to keep asking me questions like, how does this work? Why does this work? I have this issue, which I get, and I'm like, I don't know. And I'm one of the kind of people that if I don't know Something like, it burns me up and I just have to know. So that's when I enrolled in this sex educator training program. I went out to Portland, all the way on the other side of the country. I went there for two weeks twice to get my certificate in sex education. And it just went from there. And we opened up a second store together. And then our first store, we moved into a bigger location. And so now I kind of like, rebranded us, you know, women, we come in, we take over.

We switched up, changing the drapes, changing the curtains, moving the vibrators around, everything.

Yeah. So I branded us more as like a kind of like a posh boutique. And, yeah, I have nice hardwood floors and chandeliers and nice furniture. And I try to make us into somewhere where people can come get education about all the toys. Because one thing about going into these stores and, you know, they could tell you how the toy works, but not tell you the why or, you know, what's best for you.

So that's shining. People still have this notion that, like, you go into a sex toy store and it's still like this sketchy backdoor thing. But no, you created a beautiful boutique that's opening and warm, and people feel safe. And they're like, I'm gonna spend $200 on a toy. I wanna know the why so you can explain that to them. So first, tell me about your clientele. Is there a specific group of people you target?

Yeah, we're.

Our main store is in a predominantly African American area, kind of moderate income. If you're from the D.C. area, I'm in PG County. Our main store, some people call it the hood, right? I don't think it's that hood, but it's definitely where some stores might not want to be. But I love having a store there. Like, I wanted African American women especially, to be able to see the things in Essence magazine and Cosmo magazine. And you see these toys and, like, you know, I want this womanizer toy. And a lot of the sex toy stores, I think in certain neighborhoods, they carry, you know, all the jelly dicks and all the, like, all the stuff that's crap. Like, they carry for crap. Because they don't think that people deserve quality toys or they don't think they're going to spend the money. And I wanted everyone to come into the stores and get all the nice quality toys. So we always have. I keep my ear to the street. I know what's the new hot toy. And we always have everything in the store that's great.

So what Kind of questions for your clientele, which is mostly African American women. Are there certain needs that you found that are different than other? Like, are there certain toys that sell or certain questions?

Well, one of our stores has kind of a diverse crowd, and in our main store is mostly African Americans. And people basically ask the same question, Mostly women. They want to know, you know, what's going to give me a fast orgasm. I don't have enough time. Or they come in and say, you know what? My husband, boyfriend, partner, whoever, he sucks in bed. What can I do to make it better? And I'm like, wait, wait. So I had this whole conversation about, you know, things to do to make, you know, sex with your partner better. And I go into, well, what do you like? You know, have you explained to them what you like? Cause if you're having bad sex, it's your fault.

Well, exactly. Shawnee. This is my journey, too. Being an educator, I realized that I also was blaming my partners for bad sex. And then I go, oh, I'm responsible. I gotta do my own work. So what do you do, Shani, when women come into the store and they're like, Because I just pictured you going, well, what do you like? And because from my experience, too, people like, I don't know, like, do you think that they know? Are they able to say, what do you find? They like. Do you notice trends lately?

Well, mostly if people have, like, deer in the headlight looks, I kind of guide them on a guided sex. So I'm like, okay, do you like oral sex better? You like penetration better? So that, like, kind of steered me in a direction. Mostly everybody says oral sex, you know, women are. Clitoris is, you know, this is it, this is it, this is it. So mostly everybody says, you know, oral sex, okay, so we're steer over to some clitoral toys and. And start there. That's usually where I go to if no one's had a toy before. Usually start with a bullet. Something, you know, not intimidating. Something small, not a lot of buttons and everything. Then, you know. But some people are wild. They're like, no, you know, I want this fancy one that got the anal. The G spot and the clitoris all in one. I'm like, okay, girl.

We go like, the Womanizer Premium. Is that the one?

The one that's most famous, that I sell, Most popular. What is the name of the company now? I can't remember. I know, but it's soft silicone and it's black, and it has the bulbous anus part, anal part, and it has the G spot part and the clitoral part. So it's the three things going at once. I can't get down like that. But I don't yuck anybody's yum.

We do not yuck a yum. I love that. So they're coming in and you're guiding them, But I think that's a good call. Like most women, yeah, we like oral sex. We like the fingers. It's all about the clitoris and what we can do there to make it pleasurable. So you're probably sitting there having really great conversations with women and learned so much.

All the tea people tell me all their facts. The guys come in there. I'm usually talking to women and I get. Sometimes get DMs on my Instagram. Like, you never show anything for guys. You never talk to guys. But guys, they do come in there with questions about different things and different, you know, masturbators and things they could do to be better for their partner. So that's always nice, too.

Yeah, that is nice. And I think that a lot of times. Well, are you still finding that there's a stigma? Do you have women who come in, like, I have to hide this from my boyfriend. He doesn't want me to have a toy. Like, what do you tell those people who still have shame around it?

So I'm a little biased because I'm like, if it's something that's bringing you pleasure and you talk to your partner about it, like, hey, this is the thing that's bringing pleasure. It's not replacing you. It's going to enhance our sexual relationship or whatever the case may be. They're like, no, no, I don't want that. I don't want you to do that to me. That. Like, it's like a telltale sign of bigger problems.

Right.

It just seems like it's going to be other things that are going to manifest themselves in a relationship where it's going to be, you know, controlling almost. And to me, that's a red flag. I try not to have, you know, to come to Jesus moments in the store. I'm like, well, you should be able to get what you like.

Well, exactly. It is so true that it's such a great call. It's such an indicator if your partner is trying to control what toys you buy, the pleasure that you're gonna have. That typically is a sign of bigger things. And you probably wanna be like. And you could also run for your life right now, you know?

Yes. I'm like, blink twice. If you're okay.

Exactly. And some people come in with their. And I'm always excited to see partners coming together, but sometimes one of them is just like, I don't like nothing.

I don't.

And I'm looking at them like, girl.

I know. I just think. But then the good news is I think for me, sometimes I realize that they start out that way and I'm like, no, listen, this vibration can feel good for you too. Like, vibrations don't discriminate. They're not just like, I'm gonna feel good on a vulva. They can feel great on a penis, on the shaft. Nipples on all people. Yeah.

I try to. If it's a partner that's a little bit iffy, but they look like they just need a tiny little push. Then I try to get something that's going to involve both of them. Whether the partner, you know, identifies a man identifies as a woman. Something that either they can hold in her hand and use on her partner, or they could wear to bring the stimulation to their partner. Get some stimulation themselves instead of something that the partnership is going to use by themselves.

Yes.

Even though any coin that you can use by yourself, you can still use with a partner. But some things are more, you know, marketed for a couple.

Well, that's the thing. It's like, you have to be so people think it's so specific. Like, if I bought this product for this, I could only use it for this. But a lot of them are multi use, multipurpose products. Just get creative.

I use a lot like my magic wand. Me and the magic wand. We didn't been through some things. I use that magic wand for everything by myself, with a partner while I'm giving him oral sex. That's one of my favorite things to use. While I'm giving him oral sex, I use the magic wand.

Wow. Like on his shaft or his balls?

No, I actually sit on it because I am.

Oh, you use it for yourself? Yeah.

Because I am not one of the women. Like, I even teach a blow job class. But I am not one of the women that lives and dies to give blow jobs. Like it's called a job for a reason. It's hard work. And sometimes if you're not aroused enough, then you're not going to give a good blow job. So I put it. Especially if I'm on the bed, I'll put it underneath me and I'll sit on it so I get that stimulation. So I'm aroused. And that makes me give a better blow job.

Exactly right. That's incentive. Yeah, no, you're right. That's a great tip. Tell me about your blowjob class. What are your tips? Pretend I just walked in. What's the blowjob class?

It's. What's the whole. See, I can talk forever about blowjobs. But the main four tips. Number one, enthusiasm. And that comes with making yourself aroused. And, you know, using different flavor lubricants. Flavor condoms. You know, get some stuff going for yourself so you like it. Second tip is wetness. You know, people, the sloppy toppy. The wetter, the better. All of these cliches are important. You know, friction is the enemy of pleasure. You do not want to be rubbing off skin layers with your mouth.

Not attractive.

Communication.

It's important to talk to your partner. Especially I like. Especially if it's a new person I'm giving a blow job to. I like to ask them, you know, if I'm doing something you like, give me some feedback. Let me know I'm doing something you like. If I'm doing something you don't like, you know, give me a little tap on my shoulder. You know, communicate with me. Let's get this together. And lastly is. What's my last tip? Oh, technique. You don't want to just be sitting there, just bobbing your head up and down. That's how you get tired. Like, your mouth gets tired, your jaws get tired. So having different techniques and learning the part of the penis. So what to do on each part of the penis, that's going to give you the results that you want. Because we want fast, efficient blow jobs. Like, I want you to get to me. I don't want to spend all night on you.

This is good. And I think a lot of us don't know, and we think we have to, like, mimic porn or our jaw. We have to be tired. It's like, use your hands. Use your, you know, use. Yeah. Lube. Like, there's so many great things that you can do and turn yourself on. Yeah. Oh, Shadi, this is good. So let's talk about your experience, too, because I know that you wrote an excellent blog for our website. Thank you for doing that. About your experience in the industry.

My experience was very eye opening when I first came into the sex toy industry. I kind of live in a bubble where I'm at. I'm sort of like, I went to high school with all black people. I went to all black college. Like, I work with all black people. I'm kind of like in a bubble. And so the sex toy industry is Very white. It's very, very white. Very masculine. And so when I went to my first trade show, I went to Vegas. Have you ever been to the trade shows? Yes, the AVN and Altitude.

All of them ils.

All of them, yeah. So I went to one on ones in Vegas and I walked in, I was like, ooh, it ain't no black people here.

I'm looking around like, ooh, lunch is going to be awful. It's not going to be seasoned, it's.

Not going to be good.

I was just wondering where all of the black people were. And I had a bad experience. Experience at one, one time where I was going around to different booths. And there's one particular booth that I really wanted to see the products. I wanted to see what they had new. And I'm standing there like, la, la la. And the lady is just ignoring me, the sales rep, and she was talking to somebody else, but usually like, hey, I'll be right with you. She didn't even like, look my direction hardly. So I'm waiting her patiently and another person comes up and she's like, hey, you're next. I'll be right with you. And I'm standing there like, what the hell? And so another guy, one of the distributor reps who knew me came over to the table and was like, you know Susie Q, this is shani. She has two stores in the D.C. area. And then she's like, oh, hey, how are you? I'm like, nah, it's too late. No, way too late. And it's just. I don't know if it's just a good old boy network. Like when you go there, everybody wipes each other. It's just a good old white boy that everyone knows each other, like, oh, how's Sally? And the kids? And I just did not fit in. And the later years is getting. It seems like it's getting better. But yeah, I didn't have a good experience. It was hardly any black sex toy manufacturers I like to support.

Have you found. So what's some of your favorite black sex toy manufacturers?

Some of my favorites is New York Toy Collective. They have great dildos. Great, great, great dildos.

Oh, I always looking for great dildos. Yeah, yeah, for my list. Okay.

Yeah. Also there is injurotics. They sell a CBD massage oil. And she also has a line of sex toys. Just last week I was on IG Live with B condoms. They're the only black owned condom.

I just got them. I love them.

Oh, yeah.

Oh my God. I've never seen Such beautiful condoms.

I still haven't tried them out yet. My husband, we've been having raw dog sex for quite some time, Right.

He's like, really? A condom? He's like, that's why we're together, committed. I don't. But it's a work.

So somebody sent us some condoms before. Who sent us kind of Lalo. Lalo sent us the hex condoms.

Oh.

And I just pulled out a condom. Like, I didn't preface the conversation. I was like, hey, let's try out these condoms. I was just like, here's a condom for you to put on. And he's like, do we need to have a conversation? Like, tell me something. I'm like, no, I'm not burning and I don't have anything. I just want to try out these hex condoms because they're supposed to be really strong. And we tried them out, but, yeah, he doesn't. He's not with the condoms. But we are going to test them. But I gave them to all my staff.

It's part of the job. Like, we got to test out everything. So let's talk about marijuana insects. I know you also have a CBD line, right?

I do. So it started off with. It actually started from CBD lube, where maybe like two years ago or so it was like, the big thing in the sex toy industry.

Huge.

So I started wholesaling it from different places, and I got such good feedback, and I started using myself and loved it. And then the more I started researching cbd, I learned that it was so many ways that I could take it. And I have anxiety issues. And, you know, who doesn't do? I see menstrual pain. That's what I mostly use it for. Anxiety and menstrual cramp.

Yeah.

And so I started using it, and the more I talked about it, especially with black people, no one knew what CBD was or they thought they was gonna get locked up for using it and all these sorts of things. So I was like, you know what? I want to form a company that's specifically targeting African Americans to tell them about cbd, how it could enhance their lives. We're on so many different prescriptions and over the counter medicines that have antidepressants. Yes. And so I love cbd. That's what Covid kind of put a little monkey wrench in my whole thing.

But put a monkey wrench in everything, Right?

I know, but I've been getting out there. And then I launched my own CBD line with CBD lubricant. Line. So I have a silicone lube and an oil based lube that doubles as a massage oil. And I, I love it. I love it so much. I got.

Let's talk about the benefits. It helps with anxiety. Like if you, even if your vagina is anxious, it can help relax your vagina.

It does a lot of painful. You know, instead of grabbing the. Grab me a glass of wine, which.

We see like a lot of people.

Do, you know, I still have my glass of wine. No judgment. No judgment. But some people depend on it to relax them. And, you know, having drunk sex all the time, that might not be the most fun. Right. So. And then some people have sexual trauma and different things like that. Just relaxing your mind because it's a, It's a mind thing.

Yes.

So you could focus on the pleasure instead of thinking about all the other bad things that you want to get out of your head. Yeah. Then also for pleasure reasons. CBD is a vasodilator, meaning that it increases blood flow. So the more blood flow to all your good parts, it's going to increase the pleasure, which can lead to bigger orgasms. I just learned this out through using it. I'm not a big anal sex person, but it's anal sex August, you know, talk. All August is butt stuff, right? Anal August. So I was like, you know what, I should use my CBD lube to have anal sex because I'm one of them people, you know, tensed up and everything. So I'm not, I'm not really into anal, but sometimes I like it little, you know, for his birthday, Christmas, all the kind of things. So I was like, well, let me.

Just under the tree.

So I was like, let me try it. And I don't know if it was a combination of me, my brain knowing it was there and it relaxed me more or I'm sure the CBD helped relax also, but it was just such a better experience. Experience using CBD lube.

Yeah, that makes sense. Because we tense up with anal. We get, we do clench. And there's something ritualistic about the CBD lubes too. It's that even if it's. Who knows, like, I know that it works, but also just the, the, the ritual of putting it on, waiting a few minutes, waiting for it to get you expecting that it's going to help you relax. Actually can also allow you to relax into your body more and not clench up. And not even. We do that. We clench up all over. Right. So you clench our pelvic floor. So I love that it releases Tension.

One of my girlfriends, she has endometriosis real bad. And she says she loves it. A lot of times when you have painful sex, you automatically equate sex with pain. See, she said using the CB lube over and over again, it made her not think, okay, I'm about to have sex, it's going to be painful. It kind of like helped rewire her brain.

It's psychosomatic. Exactly. It rewires the brain. And also, CBD is not a one time thing. What I found, and what I've heard from many people you probably have too, Shani, is that it takes a little bit of time. You use it a few times in a row, then it just starts to work even better. Have you noticed? Yeah. You can't just be like, oh, I used it once, it didn't work. It's like, okay, settle in.

You have to get CBD products. Also, some people, like, specialized the gummies oils. Like, well, I took it one time and it really didn't do anything. Well, you know, take it for a week straight. Let's try that. Get it in the system, get it going, and then report back.

Shani, thank you so much for being here. I have to ask you, well, first off, what's your favorite toy? And then I have to ask you my five quickie questions. We ask all of our guests. What is your favorite toy today?

My favorite toy today is the Womanizer duo.

Oh, that's the one I was trying to think of. The duo.

Oh, yeah, that thing cut right across the ticket. No, it's just G spot and the pleasure wave.

Oh, right. G spot and the pleasure wave.

Yeah, yeah.

Ah, I'm glad you reminded me. That's gonna be my weekend toy.

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna go charge it everything.

And I love how. I love how it has the this, the sense motion. I forget what they exactly call it, but when you, you know, touch your body.

What's it called? The smart silent technology.

Yes. And you could just, you know, when I'm finished, I just toss it next to me on the table.

Turns off.

Yeah, just toss it. Turns off.

It's the best. Especially if you have kids in the house or neighbors or you just are like too, too fre tired to do it. It just shuts off and then it saves the battery. It's brilliant. It's a brilliant toy all around.

I love it. It's a splurge. So a lot of people ask me, what's my favorite toy? I'm like, it's this one. It's a splurge. But it's worth it.

It's worth it. It's for itself. Talk about self love and self care. This is where you splurge. You're gonna get way more out of that than those pair of shoes. That's my personal belief. Okay, these are our quickie questions we ask all of our guests. Are you ready? Yeah. Shawnee Hearts. What is your biggest turn on.

Confidence? Biggest turnoff?

Stinky balls. What makes good sex foreplay?

Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships?

Ooh, girl, that'd be a whole book. One thing I would tell my younger self would be to take your time and not try to be like everybody else and have sex when you're ready.

What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

Everyone wish I wish everyone knew about sex. I wish everyone knew that their own pleasure can be a priority and should be.

I love it. Those are great answers. Go to heart desires.com h a r t s desires.com sex stuff with Shani on Instagram. We'll put your blog post in here as well. Thank you so much for being here. I so appreciate you. It's so lovely to meet you. Hopefully one day not on Zoom.

I know, right? It was nice meeting you too. Thanks for having me.

Thank you.

We'll be back soon with more Sex with Emily. But that's it for today. Subscribe to Sex with Emily for more sex, dating and relationship advice. You can find us on all social media at. Is Sex with Emily? Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com and on all social media, it's with Emily.

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