Real Men Do Kegels (And Other Tips for Edging)

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You want to train your body. First thing I recommend for all men is edging. And that is what we've been talking about is when you're masturbating, you masturbate until you're about like, let's say you know, 100% is an orgasm, right? So you masturbate to like you're at 75%. You feel like you're about to hit the edge and then you come back down and you are playing with those muscles. You're actually learning to understand your ejaculatory control.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So let's train our orgasm muscle, the pelvic floor. We all have one and like our other muscles, strengthening it can yield physical benefits. In this case, a more explosive orgasm. On today's show, I put the spotlight on edging a sex technique for more intense orgasm and give you a slew of additional tips for maximizing your pleasure. So, penis owners, I have a question. Do you use toys yet? Because I've got killer recommendations for you. So people in relationships, have you ever been cheated on? I help one caller move through the process. Stuck in the friend zone. Through direct communication, we can all escape platonic purgatory. Intentions with Emily. So for each episode, join me in setting an intention for the show. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How might it help you? Well, my intention is to prescribe the sex and communication tools you need to feel more stimulation and security in your relationships. Because we are all capable of and deserve more orgasmic relationships with our partners and ourselves. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. Check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. It's all sexwithemily for more sex tips and advice. And if you want to ask me questions, do it. Leave me your questions or Message me at sexwithemily.com askemily or call my hotline, 559-talk-SEX or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. Today's episode is all about maximizing your pleasure. And listen. A big part of that is finding the right lubrication. You know if you've been listening and even if you don't know my dream, my vision has always been a lube on every nightstand. I think you need a lube for every sexual situation, whether it's with yourself or with a partner. And all of you ask me like, what's the right lube? What kind should I get? Well, I'm very excited. I have an announcement about my partnership with Playground to be their chief sexologist. So Playground is a brand new sexual wellness company. And I've been working with them because when they came to me and they showed me the formulations of this lube, it is my dream lube. It's top shelf body safe lube. And Playground uses quality ingredients. Like I've never seen these ingredients before in lube Ashwagandha, which is a sexual stimulant known to increase blood flow, helps with your orgasms. There's black cohosh. It's an herbal extract known to help balance hormone levels. It's like silky moisturizers and it's kind of like a mini facial for your vulva. But not to worry, it's just as satisfying for penises. I just love that Their lube is long lasting. The best packaging, flip top bottles. They look great on your nightstand. They have four different essences that you'll love. They're not scents, but they're just an essence, a hint of something. I'm excited. I want to hear what you think about Playground. They're clean and sustainable products with the right ingredients. And I know you care about what ingredients are in your food or your supplements or your medication. So I want you to care about what lubrication is made of before you put it in your body. Right? So right now my listeners can get 15% off their first order from hello playground.com. just use code Sex with Emily. Go check them out. I want to know what you think. It's hello playground.com. check out the link in the show notes. One more thing to plug. Finally, you gotta join me at a live event in Los Angeles. I don't think I've known since before the pandemic. It's with my good friend Dr. Jennifer Freed. She's a psychological astrologer. I know you've heard her on the show. It is Friday, October 7th at 6pm and I want to see you there. I'm going to put a ticket link in the show notes. All right, everyone enjoyed this episode.

So a few things I know that I want to talk to you about tonight. But the first thing I want to tell you is that interesting email from a guy who was like, you talk so much about women's pleasure and she comes first and all these things, but what about men? What about men's pleasure and men's orgasms? And you know, he has a point. So we're going to talk about men's pleasure as well. It's about how do we communicate about our needs. How do we even get ahead of our needs before it becomes a big problem. This is from Ryan, 48 in Indiana. Hey Dr. Emily, I'm trying to find information how a woman can give her man more and better orgasms. There doesn't seem to be much info on the subject. I can find plenty of information on how to give a woman more and better orgasms. Are there tips on how a man can improve his own orgasm? Haven't found anything on a woman can help her man have bigger better orgasms either. Apparently a man is responsible for the quality of all orgasms in the sexual relationship and women aren't. I know this sounds bitter, but it's really weighing on me. And I hear what he is saying because I talk a lot on this show about women's orgasms and women's pleasure. And there's even a infamous book called, you know, she comes first by Dr. Ian Kerner. I think it just had its 20 year anniversary, but I get how that could make you feel as a man. It's like, okay, so now we're responsible for everything. We gotta ask someone out, we gotta make all the moves. And I hear you and I understand that and it is not fair. But the reason why though there I say these things is because women typically are the ones who are having challenges around orgasm and around arousal and around pleasure. Whereas men typically are going to have their orgasm. It's going to happen, they're going to get aroused. Now you might orgasm too quickly before you want to, or you might take you a while to orgasm, but men are typically going to have an orgasm. That said, we can focus on that because there are ways that I might not even realize could enhance your own orgasm. Whether you are alone pleasing yourself or whether you're with a partner, you can absolutely tell your partner what you might need. Now I'm going to assume I'm going to talk about men being with women right now because you know, there are so many studies about couples and same sex relationships, they have more pleasure, they have more orgasms, better communication. So a few things and we also have a blog on our site called how to Come Harder and Faster. We'll put that in the show notes at sex with emily.com because everything we talk about on the show you can find at sex with emily.com so it is really important to know your body first so what actually feels good to you and how to be able to advocate that and let your partner know what feels good to you and being able to show them like it feels really good when you touch the shaft of my penis that way when you use your tongue this way. But I think a lot of it, you know, has to do with for men. Here's just a few points. First thing that comes to mind is edging. We're talking technically about an orgasm prolonging your pleasure. That's all about edging. And what I mean by edging is delay our gratification. So the practice of edging can delay orgasm. When you delay your orgasm, you can have a more intense climax. Your orgasms, again, nothing's for everyone. But I believe this is true from all the evidence and for myself when I wait for orgasm or I more arouse or there's more foreplay that when we pause on our way to climb back, so when we kind of slow it down we escalate. This is the edging. You get right to the edge and then you come back. That's how we call it, edging. You get right to the edge of orgasm and then you dial it down. You keep touching yourself until you're about to orgasm. Pull back, you get to the edge, pull back. The more you do that, when you finally orgasm, you finally ejaculate, your orgasm will be that much stronger. So you just, you know, you can do that a few times and see how it goes. So you could practice this on your own or with a partner. The more we wait, the more we build, the more we build tension and arousal, the stronger orgasms are going to be for everyone. So the truth is the tips that I give for women, I also going to give for men, that there's something about denying it. And edging technically is also a great thing for men who want to last longer in bed. So if you are premature ejaculator, working on this practice of touching yourself, masturbating until like you get to like 75, 80%, meaning like 100, you're about to orgasm, but you come back down to like 75% and then you stop. And when you stop and maybe you just go back to light touching. Maybe if you're with your partner, you go back to like making out. And then you go back and you start to build the arousal again. And then maybe you come back down again. You still don't let yourself ejaculate when you do this process, repeated cycle of escalation and de escalation. When you actually do have that orgasm, you're way more likely to have a longer, maybe more intense, more pleasurable orgasm. You know, a lot of us don't make enough noise during sex. I gotta say that the more we vocalize, the more sound we make, the more, the louder our orgasms are. That can actually also intensify your orgasm. And a lot of us hold back because we're afraid that we make a noise, it sounds weird or the neighbors are going to hear us, but it's really hot to be, I think express yourself, be loud. And I know, and I know it's better for your orgasm too. I mean everyone I think has the equal opportunity to having intense orgasms. I think that we all deserve to understand what it takes to, to have more pleasure, more orgasm. And so figuring out what that is for you. I think another thing is that a lot of us just rush right to orgasm and that slowing down and taking your time. You know, one of my top tips is to go five times slower than you think. And that prolonging and that teasing and that arousal until the point of orgasm can be so friggin hot. So specifically for men too. And this is for women, actually. See, I think a lot of my tips for enhancing orgasm and arousal for all genders, Kegel exercises can be done for everyone. Everyone can do them. We all have a pelvic floor and we have those muscles. And I know that a lot of men think that like they don't realize they can do them, but those are the muscles that are responsible for orgasm. So the stronger you can make them, they can give you more control over your orgasm. You could have more intense orgasms because you're building the muscles response. Like those are the muscles that if you think about it, it's the pee stop muscles. So when you're trying to stop and start the flow of urine and you tense and relax and tense, those are the muscles. And if you do them five minutes a day, you actually realize that you just might have stronger orgasms, more pleasure, more bladder control as well, because there's also some body parts that are actually going to make your orgasm stronger too. So the other thing for men to enhance their orgasms and their pleasure is, you know, men have a prostate, right? We always talk about the female G spot or women have the special spot, a special area as I like to call it. But for men, that is your prostate. And all men have a prostate. And for many men, that can feel amazing. And playing with that area either when you're alone or with a partner, can really enhance your orgasms as well. Just using a finger and going inside it can be sensitive. You can do it at the same time of arousal when you're having sex with a partner, when you're masturbating, playing with that, your prostate and learning how to stimulate it could give you intense orgasms. Definitely intensify them. You know, some other things you could do, trying to think of other areas like the taint, your perineum. Think about the taint. You could apply pressure in that area right in between your penis and your anus. That little area there that could feel so good. Either you or your partner applying pressure right there in that area in between because you're like indirectly stimulating the area, the prostate. Actually you could stimulate your prostate gland externally by pressing on your perineum. Did you know that? The taint, if you will, that can feel great as well. Another great thing speaking of prostate is we Vibe makes this product called the Vector. And that is an easy Way to explore your prostate. Put it inside your prostate and it vibrates. You can use an app to control it and explore. Listen, it's all about exploration. Another great product to use a toy is the Zumio. And these are all on our website as well. But Zumio makes a really cool toy that it's sort of, like, built for exploring because we have so many nerve endings on our bodies that we don't ever explore. We're like, okay, my penis feels great. My nipples feel good. My clitoris, I love that. But the thing about the Zoomio is that it pinpoints areas for pleasure so you could use, you know. And listen, if you still feel like vibrators and vibrations and vibrators are only for women. Vibrators don't discriminate. They're good for all body parts. And it just is a way of sort of like slowly discovering what feels good. Another great thing to do is slow down. Slow everything down five times slower. That is going to prolong it. Let's talk to Nadine. 40. Hi, Nadine. What's going on?

Dr. Hamly, I have a question.

Sure.

I really tries a lot of, like, medicine. Any over the counter. Can you tell me, like, how to last, like, longer?

Yeah, absolutely. It's a great question because this is what we're talking about. We're talking about lasting longer. Now, you said you've tried medicines. I'm not sure what that is, but I wouldn't recommend antidepressants. I mean, there is something. The only thing I would recommend is promescent because it's a topical put on your penis. Men last, like, up to 60% longer. It's like you put it on 10, 15 minutes before intercourse, and you can last longer. It's a delay spray. So that's one thing. So it's called promescent. We have it on our site. But if you want to learn, Nadine, you want to train your body. First thing I recommend for all men is edging. And that is what we've been talking about, is when you're masturbating, you masturbate until you're about, like, let's say, you know, 100% is an orgasm, Right. So you masturbate to, like, you're at 75%. You feel like you're about to hit the edge, and then you come back down and you are playing with those muscles. You're actually learning to understand your ejaculatory control so you can understand and train yourself so you don't orgasm. Also helps to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, your Kegels. Have you tried any of those things?

No, honey, I did not try them.

I would recommend all those things because it's a process. It's a process to last longer. I would just try to find somebody that works with Men's Health specifically and I would definitely get another opinion because I believe everything's possible. Okay, this is from Sarah, 23, New York. Hey, I'm a 23 year old girl with double A cups. I keep seeing posts that boob size doesn't matter, but I'm having trouble getting that through my head. And it definitely affects my confidence in intimate situations. How can I feel confident and sexy in the bedroom with my super flat chest? All right, Sarah, thanks for this question because you know, I get it, you don't see culture society glorifying smaller breasts. We're never told like from a young age, like, oh, big boobs and all that stuff. But here's the thing about confidence. Just remember it is a. I love that you're asking this at 23 because it is a process and it takes time to learn to accept our bodies and love our bodies. I guess what I always thought was and what I still believe for my sexual confidence, what really helped me was understanding like what felt good to me. So when I was with someone intimately, like, I felt confident in my ability to move in certain ways that felt good. Like through masturbation, I learned about orgasm and I learned about pleasure. And so I feel like that confidence truly is. And this, I don't want to sound cliche, but that really is like the sexiest thing in the bedroom because somebody who is confident and knows their bodies and what feels good and knows how to give themselves pleasure and others pleasure, like that is sexy so. Well, I can't get you to say like, you should just love your body. There's a certain amount of body acceptance that I like to preach. There's some things, you know, we've talked about, like exposure exercises, like getting naked in your bedroom and looking at your body and touching yourself all over and realizing like how magical your body is and how much pleasure you can give yourself. You know, maybe you can have a nipple orgasm. I think that many of us can, but we don't know because we never try it out. And also just know that this whole notion that only like your partners want to be with that everyone is craving large breasts, I can tell you, just not true. Now maybe I haven't been with those guys because they're just wouldn't be attracted to me, but Like, I don't spend my time worrying about the people that aren't attracted to me. I spend my time worrying about the people that I'm attracted to and return that. They return that attraction. I could spend a lot of time on those negatives. But just like everything in life, when we focus on our, literally our assets and the things that just make us who we are uniquely and all the pleasure and erogenous zones and all those things. So I think the first thing realizing like, it is in your head, maybe you were shamed, right? Maybe someone said, oh, I couldn't be with you. And then I would just say, like, even though that might hurt, that's not your person. And you will find someone who is your person. So that's what I think. Again, it's a progress, not perfection. And keep working on yourself, not saying, I know they're small. And just like learning to say, you know what? I like my body. This is what my body can do. And getting into your pleasure and rejecting the people that aren't for you, people show you who they are. Believe them, you guys. You can also send me questions to feedbackexwithemily.com I know a lot of you are sending emails through there and through our Instagram, it's exwithemily. Okay, we have another one from AJ35 in Boston, and he says, I'm a straight male, but I've used my girlfriend's vibrator on my frenulum and it feels pretty great. Is there another toy you would recommend more? So if you don't know, the frenulum is the underside of the penis where the shaft meets the tip. So think about that. Like the, when it's erect, the underside of it, there's this little area there. It actually is leftover erectile tissue. If you're circumcised, that's actually what that tissue is, why it's so sensitive, just FYI. And if you are non circumcised, your whole all your foreskin is sensitive. But anyway, that's where the frenulum came from. And I think I've told this to a lot of penis owners and they're like, I didn't know it had a name, but yeah, that feels really good. So that is the frenulum. Just think of it as your new best friend if you didn't already know it. Why I love when guys ask me questions about toys is because there is this notion that toys are just for vulvas. Or like women, you know, we have the, you know, monopoly on vibrations. And if you use a vibrator, you know, men shouldn't need a vibration. Well, I'm telling you, vibrators, the vibration sense feels great on so many parts of our body. I mean, even the magic wand, which is a big external vibrator, it's actually started as a massager. So it's a great way to incorporate into a personal massage with a partner or with yourself. But for your frenulum, there are a few toys for men that are awesome. I recommend the Hot Octopus. It's a masturbation sleeve, if you will. Kind of looks like a think of like a hot dog, right? And your penis is the hot dog and it wraps around it and it has this little oscillation function. So it's not so much a vibration, but when your penis is resting in it, it sort of oscillates right on the frenulum. And it feels amazing. Like I gave one to an ex boyfriend and he, like, I didn't see him for a week, he's like, this friggin thing is amazing. All right, we're gonna take a quick break, but don't go anywhere afterwards. My sponsors, I'll be answering more of your questions.

This is from Julie, 40 in Canada. She says, I'd like to give better oral sex to my boyfriend, but I find my jaw gets tired. Is there something I can do for that? All right, I like this question because that has happened to me before. And I know it's a common complaint with people who are going down on penises and they're like, my mouth hurts, my jaw hurts. I mean, it's really hard. How do I do it? How do I keep going? And let me tell you this, if your mouth, if your jaw hurts, when you are performing oral sex on somebody, it means that you're doing something a little wrong. And that is you are not using all of the tools that you have available. And what you also have available are your two hands. And those are your best friends when you are going down on a guy. Because it's not all about your mouth. I know, it's confusing. Blow job, we call it oral. And you're like, what, what were the hands? Yes, Listen, it's all about stimulating. It's all about the grip, the pressure that you're applying to the penis. You could use your mouth and hands together. So you know your mouth and hands are kind of following each other going down the penis and up the penis. You could use both hands. You could use a lot of, always use a lot of lube. You know how I feel about that, but I feel like this whole, like, mouth tired thing means that you're probably also not relaxed either. Julie. Like, maybe there's a part of you that's in this tense. I got to do it right. I can't move my mouth. And I just think that we put so much pressure on ourselves. And so I think like, a hand, I mean, our mouths can't provide what our hand can because you can definitely make sure that there's enough grip, there's enough friction. And again, working with your mouth, that is one of my top tips. But the other thing is what I wonder. There's this whole trend lately, and I would say there's a lot of things that I can track to the availability of porn on our smartphones. Since I've been doing this for a long time, I see see where these questions started coming in. And one of them was about deep throating. And so there's this whole notion, because we see that a lot in porn, that perhaps that's how you give a great blow job, is by basically choking on a guy's penis. And I'm just gonna say that I believe a lot of that is for camera. And perhaps I don't have a penis, but there must be some kind of thrill in it. Like, oh, it's so big, or, you know, she's choking on it. And I think it's more performative than it is. Like, you gotta have like a. You got to have your mouth in. Your jaw hurt. And I also don't think that that is, like, the norm. I mean, maybe someone wants it sometimes or maybe they see it in porn, but I don't think that you have to do anything sexually until it causes you pain. And this goes for someone going down on a vulva. And I've heard this as well. My mouth gets tired. Mouth gets tired. Well, like, use your hands, get comfortable. Put a pillow down, get in a comfortable position. It's not like, go give your partner oral, and it's going to be torturous. It already is for some people. Like, a lot of people don't even like performing oral. Or they're just doing it to, like, you know, check it off the list. Which I don't want that for any of you. Like, I want you to enjoy whatever you are doing to your partner. And there are hacks, there are ways to enjoy it. I mean, let's say oral. So always add some lube, especially with the penis. You could use toys. You again, using both of your hands in conjunction with your mouth. Your Tongue, all the things. So make sure if you just stop for a minute and say, you know what, my neck's getting cricked here. Stop for a minute and keep using your hands. Because as long as you keep stimulating the body part of wherever you're at, like, it's okay to take your mouth off and just keep using your hands. The other thing I want to say, for a tired jaw, the pivot. We're talking about the pivot. Penis ring, cock ring by we vibe for a tired jaw. I'm telling you to Julie in Canada, who's like, I'm getting lot jaw. Just, like, use your hand. You could put the cock ring on. You could just tickle the. The tip or the taint with a vibrator on a lower setting. I think sometimes the high settings is a lot for some penises. And I think in relationships, we all crave variety. I think we all want something a little bit different. And so this notion that bringing in a toy, somehow a crutch are going to take away, it's like, okay. Or you could have sex the same exact way over and over again every day for the rest of your life. Bring in a different sensation. Have a party. Try the pivot. I don't have a problem with that. But maybe we have in our head there's a rule, like, you can't stop, but you keep going and you can't stop. And I don't think you should just, like, stop and walk away. But, like, again, using hands, substitute for a moment and give your mouth a rest. So that's how I feel. Julie. Another, like, thing that's in my toolkit right now, my sexy toolkit, is I love the XNS has this. They make all of these massage oils, and they also talk about great flavors and scents. They have, like, what is like vanilla and avocado and pina colada. And not in a cheesy way. They're like beautiful bottles and they smell really good. And they're massage oils, but they could also be used as a lube. And what I love about them is they smell good and they're not actually oil. Like I'm saying they're massage oil, but they're not oil. And they somehow magically make it feel like oil. So you could massage your partner with it, you could use it for a hand job, you could use it for oral. I've been hearing, because you're all emailing me and calling me that like you like your sex life. But how do you do something different? And the great thing is, and I do this too. Sometimes I catastrophize. I'm like, oh, I need to change something in my life, and I have to do a huge sweeping thing. I need to be so different and change everything. But a lot of times, especially when it comes to variety, your sex life, it just like one thing. Like, it could just be like, we're going to give each other massages before we have sex tonight. I'm going to give you a hand job before sex. We're going to, you know, use a toy. All these things are, like, little changes or a new position. It doesn't have to be a whole overhaul of your sex life. It's just variety. And we crave variety. Because if you think about all the feel good hormones that are released during intercourse and during orgasm, and dopamine is one of them, dopamine is like that thrill seeking, which is why things are so great at the beginning of a relationship, like the first six months, because you're so attracted to each other and everything's new, right? Oh, we've never done this position, and I've never seen my partner naked. And it's so exciting. But after a while, nothing changed. The sex, you're still doing the same positions and you're kissing the same way, but you're a little bit bored. You're like, I want something different. And that's because you're no longer having that. It's the dopamine depletion. You're craving variety. And so when you try something new, a toy, giving each other massages, unexpected, something spontaneous, that's going to spike the dopamine, which is the bonding hormone as well. Well, it connects to all of them and will allow you guys to feel closer again and be like, oh, wow, we did something new. It just. It doesn't take a lot of changes, and that's just talking about it to kind of breathe new life into a stale sex life. Let's talk to Chris, 18 in Florida. Hi, Chris. Hey. What's going on?

My girlfriend, like, used to really be into me, and now, like, my friend figured she's cheating on me, so I don't know what to do.

Chris, I'm sorry. That's a bummer. That. Okay. So how long have you guys been together?

About five months. And now she's starting to cheat, and my friend figured it out and told.

Me, well, you know, that is so hurtful, and I'm sorry that happened. And I know. Is this your first girlfriend or, like, your first love?

Second.

Yeah. It hurts, huh? Have you.

But it Hurts even more than the first.

Yeah, that's the thing. They always hurt more each time. You think, I can't be hurt, and then it hurts. Well, so you guys had an agreement that you guys were committed and you were monogamous? Like, just two of you?

Yeah, we were going straight for about two months. And then just recently, I figured out that I don't know how long she's been cheating, but I just figured out, and it's just. It just hurt. Like, I was crying all morning.

Oh, no, Chris, it is. It's the most. It hurts so bad when somebody violates our. Our trust, right? When we're like, this is someone I really like was open and vulnerable, and it just hurts. And are you gonna talk to her? Are you gonna, like, let her know how you feel?

Yeah, probably. I'm a musician to get over it, so that's probably what I'm gonna do.

You will get through this. I just want you to know when it. It feels like you won't. Like, I promise you. Like, it gets. You learn from this stuff and it'll get easier. But I think it's good that you were crying and that you're feeling it and that you called me, because that's actually the healthiest ways to actually feel your feelings. And there's nothing really that I can tell you to do. I mean, what I would recommend, honestly, Chris, which might be hard, is I would talk to her and just say, you know, and just let her know, say, this is what I heard. I wanted to talk to you, and I would try to do it in a. In the most calming way you can, and just be like, I'm kind of disappointed. I heard that you were with someone else. You know, can you tell me about that and then see what she says? There's just gonna be these things. This is gonna be a great learning experience for you. You know, maybe in your next relationships, you'll be able to talk about, like, how this felt and that they think that it's important to be committed and that if they want to see someone, they should tell you first. That's how I feel about cheating. Because, you know, I used to be a cheater, Chris. I used to be a cheater.

When I was 17, I dated this girl that was in Color Hub at my high school, and I fucked up and I cheated on. She just blew me up. She didn't even give me another chance when I tried so hard. And, yeah, I know how it feels.

So do you remember why you cheated? Yeah.

Basically all I did was snapchat with the mogul. And then she got pissed off and.

Yeah, you know, and then you're like, oh, what I do? And, like, that's how you learn. Like, yeah, it didn't feel good to me either. I think what happened to me was I didn't know how to tell the guy. Like, I didn't know that relationships took work and that actually, like, I was like, oh, this other guy likes me, and that feels really good for my ego. And then I'll go sleep with this other guy. And then I was like, oh, I actually did like, my boyfriend. Like, I learned now. It took me years to learn. Like, oh, I actually. You could talk to your partner before you cheat and say, oh, you know what? I've been feeling a little weird lately. And, like, maybe you're not that into me or whatever. And then. And then I didn't. Didn't cheat anymore, you know, but it's like, we kind of up and we do it and then we learn. So you know that you did it and she's doing it. And, like, this is gonna hurt right now, but I think you could also learn some really cool lessons about yourself and what's important and communicating. Yeah. How else can I help you? Do you think you're gonna talk to her? Like, I. Maybe you could write about. You said you're. Do you write songs? You sing?

Yeah, I'm a musician. I've been playing guitar for. Since I was 10, and I'm 18 now.

So, like, nice.

That's how I usually cope, but this time, I don't know if I can do that.

I recommend that you keep feeling your feelings. You. I wouldn't do anything drastic. Like, since you want to write a hateful email like I just got from a listener. Sometimes you want to do something that you might regret, but it's best just to kind of feel the feelings. Be with your friends that actually are cool and support this kind of thing, not the ones who are like, she's an go someone else. Like, you can have those friends, but I wouldn't necessarily hang out with them tonight. Tomorrow, I think you're gonna learn stuff. If you wanted to call me back and just, like, we could chat.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Of course, Chris, Anything else I can do?

I think that's it. Thank you very much. I appreciate it a lot.

Of course I'll be here for you. Just take care of yourself, okay? You'll get through this, I promise. Thanks for your call, Chris. I appreciate you so this. I got an email too. Let's talk about. There's another thing that is related to what I talk about and that is the friend zone. So the friend zone comes up a lot. This is from Felix, 29, in New York. And he's like, I decided inside the pool of online dating. Been on a couple dates. Nothing has stood out recently. Imagine the girl. We had a picnic in a park, couple drinks as our first date. I thought we had a great connection and we texted. I told her I'll be leaving town and I wanted to see her. Her response? You're really awesome and I really want to hang out as friends, but I need to see my schedule. I'm busy with work and I don't know until. I'll be free within the coming weeks. Let me know when you're back. We'll grab a drink. I've been on post dating situations where the girl was straightforward and blunt and says, you're not what I'm looking for. Best of luck in your search. Or I'm really busy, but now I'm confused. You know, does this mean she wants to hang out or not? Does she want to be friends or. There's an irony in that message. Maybe I'm overthinking, but would love to hear your thoughts, comments, clarifications. Great question. I vote for the direct. I'm not into it. Best of luck with your search. It's one date. We don't owe people anything. In fact, be honest, be real. This is how I felt about the date and I She's kind of dry. I get it. That's a little confusing, right? Maybe she doesn't know yet. Maybe she is saying, I don't even know. That's a friend zone. She might be someone who's not great with conflict, doesn't want to let him down. I think what you deserve to do, Felix, you deserve to text her back, clarify it and say, I just want to clarify here. I want to know, like, I really like to hang out with you. To be honest, it's helpful to know, do you actually want to hang out in a few weeks or not? I'd love to know either way. Ask for clarification. Because I believe that and I got to be honest. I'm going in my mind, I'm like, I've done that. I've done that kind of thing. Because I think sometimes I've just kind of been a pussy about it. I've been like, oh, I don't know. I don't want to hurt him. I've done all the things you guys. That's why I'm here talking to you. But that doesn't feel as good because then the guy texts me back and says, really want to hang out? And then. And then sometimes I need more time to think about it, and then maybe I didn't. I think it's unclear what you can do is keep dating, doing your thing. Felix, maybe you feel if you text her right now, that's too aggressive. Because actually, if a guy did that, you know, I don't know what kind of person she is. You could wait till you're back. Listen, you could wait till you're back in a week or two and be like, hey, I'm back. You want to hang out? Get that drink. And then you'll know. Because to me, this doesn't actually. Reading it doesn't sound like it's a friend zone thing. It's more like, either, let's hang out when you're back, or she's not sure. I don't see this as a friend zone, per se, now that I'm reading it. Oh, she said, I want to hang out as friend zone. See, I don't know. I'm confused. Listen, I don't know what it is. All I'm saying is, to me, she used the fucking term friend. So if we're going to get into the friend zone thingy here, and you have a history of a friend zone, either I say, this is my final decision. Wait till you get back in a week, say, hey, you want to hang out? And then when she says, yeah, great, how about Tuesday? And say, I just want to clarify. You mentioned a friend thing. I actually thought you were really cool, and I actually. I'm looking to hang out more than that. What are you thinking? And then you can clarify when you get back in town. Sometimes people don't know. Maybe she's dating someone else, too. But I think it's okay to ask for what you need and ask for clarification. But I would just chill and wait. Now, here's the friend zone thing. Friend zone happens when we act as a friend before it's even romantic. Well, I'm gonna listen to all your problems. Oh, I know how to fix a car. I know how to do this thing for you. I know how to listen to do all the things that a friend would do before we've actually had sex and established that there's an attraction. That's when you are digging your own grave. That's when you. You are digging your own friend zone. Like you've taken the first shovel into the ground of your Friend zone. You're like, this is my friend's own grave. You haven't done that yet, Felix. But I think it's okay to follow up and ask for clarification. But if I said I'd like to be friends with someone, that would be my way of saying I'm not. I don't feel attraction if I use the word friend. Now, I don't know. I'm not 29 years old, but I believe if you say I use the word friend, the same thing as saying, like, I see you as a friend. You know, I've put guys in the friend zone before, and I think it's, you know, I think I'm like, well, they really want to be friends, but it can be hurtful. And the guys, I think, that actually stand up and are, like, clear, like, this is what I need in a loving way. Like, I think you're cool, too, and maybe you want to be friends with her, but it's okay to ask people for what you need him for. Clarification. And I think this whole I got to be cool, I got to be chill thing, I think that's dated. I think what is cool is not to be a dick, but to be like, hey, I heard what you said. I thought you were cool, too. I'm actually looking to spend my time dating someone who actually get romantic with. But you're awesome, too. Have a nice life. It's okay to ask for it and not just to kind of be like, whatever. I'll just. I'll just keep showing up till she wants to sleep with me. Like, that's also a waste of time. So let's all learn how to communicate better. That's how I feel tonight.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review. Wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner, you can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, Facebook, and Twitter. SexWithemily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up@sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK SEX. That's 559-825-5739, or go to sexwithemily.com.

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