Redefining HER Orgasm with Nicole Daedone

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Oh my yes.

36 year old mother of 14 stripped down to a black bikini on the COVID of Steppin out magazine. She says she hasn't had sex in 12 years. I think that people who don't have sex. The longer you don't have sex, you talk yourself out of sex and you think you don't need it.

Oh yeah. And you get more and more righteous about it. And you get grumpier and grumpier from not having sex.

Exactly.

You're that much further. It's like your boat just begins Drift further and further and further from the harbor.

Right, exactly. That's what. That's what's happening here. She said, I've only had one boyfriend my whole life and I never loved him. Octomom's got a lot going on. I mean, she's got a lot going on, but. But probably she did, like a sex practice. Well, like one of Nicole Day Doan's oming practices, which we're going to get into. Maybe that would help her. Yeah.

Well, did you read this article, the Erika Jeong article in the New York Times where she said that the buzzword. So she's this feminist, right. 40 years ago, and she said that the buzzword of her time used to be freedom, and now it's controlled again and again and again. That's what I find with women. It's like we're so proud of ourselves that we can control our appetite. We don't eat very much. We don't sex very much. We don't want very much. Look, we're great women, and we're really tight and really grumpy.

Really wound up. Right. That is so interesting that it's controlled. We have to be the perfect person. We have to do it all. Like, the feminist women has brought that to us, that we actually have a lot more on our plate. Yeah, that's a good point.

Yeah.

We can run on fumes. We're proud of the fact we can run on fumes.

We need so much help. You help so many women, Nicole, and soon. Yeah, she's.

Get under the honey blanket. Get saturated and warm.

Oh, my God, I love it. Okay, so infidelity is linked to sexual personality. A recent survey asked a thousand people to report their involvement in a monogamous sexual relationship lasting from three months to 43 years. 23% of men and 19% of women reported to participating in infidelity. But the causes for infidelity differed drastically. Men who were easily aroused and men who suffered from performance anxiety were more likely to be unfaithful. That's interesting.

That's interesting.

What do you think about that? Men who were easily aroused and suffered from performance anxiety. So obviously, men who are easily aroused, maybe they have higher testosterone. But I would think the ones with performance anxiety, they probably are blaming their partner that they're having. So they're like, oh, I'm gonna go sleep with as many women as I can and prove myself that I don't have this performance anxiety. Maybe.

Yeah, well, it's. You know, it's also interesting. You remember this study that was Done at Stanford with the kids with the marshmallows. And they would. So they had marshmallows in front of the kids. And then they would say, okay, I'm gonna go, but if you don't eat the marshmallow, you get a second marshmallow. And then they showed that people who, the kids who didn't eat the marshmallow. And it was so cute. They would show them, like licking the marshmallow and everything.

I did, I did.

And they would show, like, the kids who could hold it, you know, who could hold their desire, got the second marshmallow. And throughout the rest of their lives, they had higher IQs and they were happier. And so there is something about being able to hold an impulse, I think in our culture. Yeah, well, we're such an empty calorie culture, right? It's like, oh my God, I'm hungry. I need a burger. I need it now. I need to get this hunger. But then you never actually fill up. And I think the same thing shows in our sex lives.

I think you're right. I think you're absolutely right. So how do you, how does that translate, though, into your. Into your sex life? If we're supposed to hold it because we talk about control, that's kind of a way of controlling yourself.

Well, I think these guys don't learn how to actually nourish themselves with the woman that they're with necessarily. And so what they learn is volume rather than quality. And I think that we aren't taught how to do that. We aren't taught how to actually get nutrients from our sex.

Right. And that's what you teach, right?

That's what I teach.

I love it. Okay, so we're all in the shot now.

Cool.

Okay, Nicole, we're all in the shot now. Okay, so women. So the women who cheated happiness with their long term sexual partner was paramount. Women who felt sexually unsatisfied were more likely to cheat. How compatible they felt with their partner in sexual values was also a predictor for cheating. So for women, it's the women who are sexually unsatisfied. There's a lot of women out there that are sexually unsatisfied. So it's men who raise the rod. That's so interesting. People always want to know why people cheat. So that's. That's what we got for you. That's our sex in the news. Okay, we can get into some emails now. And I picked out special emails for Nicole, so Nicole De Don's my guest. Okay. Emails. Hey, Emily. Love your show. I listen to it every day, and I take a lot of your advice when it comes to my own sex life. I've been with a guy for almost four years, and we have amazing. And we've had amazing sex. The only problem is he doesn't really like to give me oral. He says he's had bad experiences with past girls being gross down there. That doesn't really bother me because, like I said, we have great sex. But is there anything I can do to cure his fear of going down? I personally love giving him oral sex, so I can't really understand where he's coming from. He says he's willing, he's willing. So I just need some help. Thank you so much. This is from Angela. She's a premium friends with benefits member, so we're answering her email right now. Okay, Nicole, what do you think about that? Men who don't. I mean, she's the orgasm queen here, but men who don't like. I think there's a lot of men. I always say there's men who love the vagina and men who don't love the vagina. And I think with your work, you're trying to get more men on the other side to love the vagina. But I think there's men who just don't. They don't get it. They don't like it. They had a bad experience and they want it. Like, they want to have sex with your vagina, but that's all they want. They don't want to, like, get into it. They don't want to know it. They don't notice if you got a wax or they don't want to get in and look at the lips. Like, there's some men who are like.

Let me want a flashlight.

They want to get in there. And those guys are like, I just don't really want to go down there. So how do you convince a man? I always say it's like foods you don't like. Like, if you don't like tomatoes. I'm like, there's like, people who don't like tomatoes. If you don't like tomatoes, you're never going to like. All of a sudden, I think, learn to like a tomato. Although you talk about tomatoes in your book. Actually.

I always use tomato analogies, too. Around sex. I'm like, some people just don't like it. But how do you get men to get to like it?

You know, I think it's interesting. It's like, there's a great David White book, and he talks about the fact that Herman Melville was afraid of water. But his greatest success came from writing about Moby Dick in the water. And I think thing happens for a lot of men. The men. I find that the men who have the most fear around the pussy.

Yeah, Say whatever you want.

Okay. So the men who have the most fear tend to be the ones who are actually the most interested and intrigued, but have it locked behind that fear. So I think it's a matter of unlocking it. And so what I would say is make every single element part of the sex act. Have him bathe you, have him look down there, make that into the whole experience so that he takes ownership of it. Because my guess is that he has a lot of desire and something happened where he had a. I'll bet it wasn't a negative experience. It was that he had a lot of desire. And somehow that desire got shut down.

And it could just be like one time. It's like in high school, one woman was like, had something like it grossed him out or like she said he had a bad experience where he was grossed out, she said, or where he.

Was turned on and she felt shame. Usually it's something like that. And then he picks up on that shame and then he's like, oh, that's bad.

I can't have it.

I can't want it.

So she has to unlock this. So maybe bathing together is what you're saying. Yeah, bathing is huge if there is, you know, and everyone. Women are concerned about how they smell and how they taste. And so, yeah, taking a bath and like sudsing each other up and doing that thing. Okay. And then just kind of. How would she get him to initiate getting over that? Just have her. Maybe she shows him the mutual masturbation. She shows him what feels good to her. Yeah.

Oh, my God. I think there's infinite ways to go about it. I think the biggest way, though, is to begin to take all of that negative charge that he's feeling and make it positive. So this isn't necessarily the. The best metaphor, but, you know, they say that, you know, like heroin addicts actually come to love the feeling of the needle.

Right.

So this thing that they thought was negative because what followed was amazing.

Right.

So you can begin to make your pussy into something that's really positive for a guy by ensuring that what happens after immediately following him, putting any attention on your pussy, any positive attention at all, you make sure what happens is amazing and you incrementally increase the amount of attention he puts there. And how amazing what happens is how do you do that, though. Oh, my God.

You know, so we're getting into.

I think that's what, like, guys are simple.

Yeah.

You know, it's like you. You have a group of human beings who are approval deprived. Like, they're just. They're dying for approval. And we as women think that all of those barbs don't get in there. All of those subtle criticisms don't get in there. I think you simply say, like, ah, that feels so good.

Right?

And you let him feel how good just his attention is.

Right?

And then you watch him glow, Right? And then you stop there and then you do it again the next day, only you increase the amount of time that you do it and you let him feel that just his attention, just.

His attention to it is good. And then you're positive, reinforcing, and you're erasing all the negative imagery that he has. That's good. I like it. Thank you. Okay. I love that you're here. I love that I didn't have to answer that. And you, so articulate. Great. Emily, here's a topic that's on my mind and likely the minds of other men. It has to do with the mysterious female orgasm. I have been married for 20 years. My wife and I have sex three to four times a week regularly. On occasion, my wife would let me know that she doesn't care if she climaxes. She just wants me to enjoy myself. What? That makes no sense to me as a guy. You see, for men, an orgasm is perhaps the most powerful, most pleasurable function our body generates. Nothing comes close. It is inconceivable to engage in intercourse without following through to climax. However, in your podcast, I gather that it's not an uncommon female response. Thus, it seems that women treat an orgasm as a nice to have, while men tend to treat it as a must have. It always feels strange to me that my wife would be okay letting me climax without experiencing the same thing herself. Can you please explain this to me further? Is a female orgasm not as satisfying as a male orgasm? Thanks. E. From the oce Well, I have to say that I think the female orgasm is satisfying as a male orgasm, but she might not be able to reach her. She might be feeling pressure from you or from the situation that she's not able to orgasm. So she's created, told herself in her mind that it's not that important. But really it is important, but it doesn't have to be everything. Like, I think sometimes that sex can be so many things. So I don't think she's lying to you by saying it's not important to her. But I think there are ways that we can learn to give her more orgasms and to increase her pleasure. Right. Because he's concerned about that. I think it's great because it does bum guys out. It does. I mean, when men out, they're like, why can't she? I did it. I had an orgasm. She doesn't. But don't you think there is some truth that women, we still enjoy sex if we don't have orgasms? Or is that something that you don't believe?

I think it's multifold.

Right. Okay, go. What's your answer?

You know, on the first, I think, well, it's twofold. So the first part is, I think so many of us women have been trained, like I said, to not have an appetite. And that the thought of asking a man to shift position even is so overwhelming for so many women. And, you know, I just was working with a woman last night, and she said, suddenly I'm in bed with him, and. And I don't know why, but I can't speak. I have no way to tell him what I want because I don't know how to tell him what I want. Right. So then she said, I just kind of lie there and take it. And I actually can't wait for him to climax to get it over with. And I think that is such an unbelievably prevalent viewpoint that's out there.

It's so prevalent. Right? So prevalent.

So that's the first part, but the second part, and this would be the higher version of it, is that there is a kind of orgasm.

So good and so deep and so rich that a climax actually feels like a disappointment by comparison.

And this is the work that you do.

This is the exact work that I do. And, you know, and climax can be part of it, but it's like you are out there and you are coasting, you know, in the place where you wouldn't want to move an inch because it's so good. Wow. And then the thought of climax would be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't. Don't move. Don't move. Right, Right.

It's so good.

And anyone. And people can learn this from your book or from your classes or they could download your okay. E. From the OC he should download your video. What's your. What's the video? Where we find it.

The URL is OneTaste us. Onetaste Us. And the video is really what can happen After a period of time is the minute a finger goes down on her clitoris. All of the signs of orgasm show, all of the contractions, the ejaculate at the instant of contact.

Oh, my God. That's amazing. I can't wait to get there. We're gonna get there soon in this show. Me personally and on the show.

Okay. Okay. Emily. I've been seeing this guy I grew up with for almost eight months, and he's wonderful. But I feel like now we want different things. When Clay and I got together, I was very clear about what I wanted. Just fun. I made it very clear that I didn't want marriage, kids, or anything remotely serious. But here I am with this wonderful man who won't stop talking about marriage and kids. Any other women would love to have my man at her fee, but because of this constant marriage and children talks, I'm thinking of breaking this off. Is a man wanting to marry you a deal breaker? Rhonda from Atlanta, Georgia, that's a brilliant question. I know it is. I think it might be a deal breaker just because everyone else in the world. Maybe it's prematurely. He's asking you for marriage. I don't know. You've been seeing him for eight months. Eight months isn't very long for him to be, like, talking about marriage and kids. I almost feel like when a man is. Or a woman has such an agenda like that, like, after eight months, let's talk marriage and kids. It's almost like it's. He's on a track, but he's not paying attention to what track you're on. It's like he's totally blind. It's clearly, you're not there yet. And he keeps talking about it. So where are you guys not communicating? Hmm. Yeah.

I mean, I feel. Yeah, definitely. I feel like that's one possibility. I feel like there's this other possibility where he's actually asking for something.

He.

And he doesn't have the words to ask for what he wants.

And I think often he really just wants a blowjob. I'm just kidding. Likely.

You know, my guess is there's some kind of deeper connection that he wants. And in his mind, the only way he can have it is through marriage and kids. I think there's a way that we have this law and we assume, okay, as soon as we are walking down the aisle, that intimacy will descend on us, and we will suddenly know that, you know, like they say, like, you know, as soon as you have a baby, you're gonna know how to Be a. Well, we've discovered that just is not the case. As soon as you get married, you are not necessarily going to be intimate.

Exactly.

My guess is he wants a deeper kind of intimacy, and that's how he knows how to ask for.

That's a really good. That's a great point. So maybe it's not what he wants, but he's wanting something more from her. From. From you, Rhonda. Like that is because I think there's nothing wrong with not wanting marriage right now. After eight months together, you might never want marriage, but. Yeah, maybe you need to have a talk to him. Talk with him about what he really is, that he thinks that when you guys got married, what is it that he. That's gonna elicit? And then maybe you guys can try to create that right now in your relationship without the marriage.

Yeah. And I think there's this other thing where, you know, as soon as we start talking about marriage and kids, everything gets so serious and grave and we forget to play and, you know, I mean, what you can do is you can just play house for a night. You can actually begin. You can turn that into a fantasy. You can make that into a whole experience for him where he gets to taste it.

Right. Like what marriage would be like and all that stuff. Yeah.

The underlying thing he wants with you is love and relationship. That's really what he wants. So then you can make all these things into adventures.

Right. I love it. But do you think that some men are. Some men say it because they think that that's what she wants to hear. That's what she wants. Or he's saying it, too. I don't know.

It's interesting that you said, I have a lot of men. This is really interesting that you say, that's a great question. Come to me. And all of a sudden they have this realization that, oh, my God, they are talking about marriage because they think that's the only way they're going to have sex.

Yes.

They have been trained by their mothers. They have been trained to fall with the woman every time. And when they discover, like, oh, wait a minute. Actually, it can be with my friend.

Right, right, right. Yeah. I think you're totally right. I think that so much of what this is, is unwearing these messages that we get from childhood, from early ages, from society.

Yeah. Take it off.

Take it all off.

Take it off.

Just strip it all down. Okay, okay. Let's see. We've got. Okay, let's just go to this one, because this comes up a lot, and I Want to see what you have to say about this, Nicole? Emily. I'm a 24 year old woman and I was recently prescribed a low dosage of Zoloft for depression and anxiety. And I didn't think there were any side effects until recently. I started seeing a really great guy, but whenever we have sex I just don't find my body responding very much. I'm totally attracted to him and the sex has a potential to be great, but I feel like it's me who is keeping it that from happening. I keep a bottle of Liu by the bed, which helps a little, but after about after a while, I feel like I'm just going through the motions for his sake. I've never been able to orgasm with a guy, so that's nothing new. But this is beyond frustrating. Before I was on Lexapro, a different before I was on Lexapro, a different antidepressant and had slight side effects, but nothing like this. I cannot take my medication. I cannot not take my medication. But can you think of anything I can do to counteract the side effects? Thank you so much, Anna. So she never had orgasms with a guy before. And she said, I mean that's really common that people have the side effects from SSRIs. And so I think a lot of people are on SSRIs that are prescribed it, that don't need to be. But it sounds like you need to be taking them. I think that there are medications you can take that counteractors like Wellbutrin, which is another, which is one that has less side effects. It's still for depression, but it can counteract the side effects. But I would talk to your doctor. You could also go down, you might be taking too high of a dose. And also. What were you going to say? What? Burped? Oh yeah, I thought you were saying that lady.

I was being ladylike and covering my mouth.

So I think that there are things you could do. I would just talk to your doctor. I'm not a doctor, but you can. I know that there are ways you can go down on the medication. A lot of times women are too high of dose or right before you. If you know, you're having sex like say the weekend, you have a lot of sex and you're seeing your, your partner, you could go down on it. You could take less, less of a dose, but you could also there are other medications they can add in if you feel like you need to take the medication does this. And she's not had an orgasm with a man. Before either. Anyway.

That's interesting. Yeah. So I just.

Does this come up a lot, too, the medication?

I think it would probably be my second most common question.

Okay, so good. Mine too.

Lately, it's very common. And I just did a great video with Dr. Sarah Gottfried. And if you can find her, call her. She is.

I gotta have her on the show.

We've connected before, but she's so fabulous and so real. And so we were talking about this very topic, and we were talking about the fact that. That often these are the exact symptoms. You know, often what we call depression are the symptoms of a woman who doesn't have orgasm in her body. She's lacking oxytocin. She has high cortisol. All of these different symptoms begin to develop, and at the root cause is a lack of orgasm. And then you take this pill that decreases your highs and lows and makes orgasm that much more. And so we were talking about how to work with this, and one of the. My suggestion always, and the doctor agrees, is just add om. Just add an orgasmic practice as often as. And I would even say for you, daily.

A daily practice, so they can overcome the side effects with an OM practice, which is orgasmic meditation, which we're going to get into, like, in a second.

Because the nature of a practice is you don't have to be turned on to start. Like, when I go to yoga almost every day, it's not like before going to yoga, I'm like, oh, I'm just dying to get to yoga. It's like, yeah, you know, I pack my little bag, I get my little booty in there, and I go. And then I'm in there. And then like, oh, thank God I did this. That's really how practice works, right? So if you take on an orgasmic practice on a daily basis, just add om. Just add an orgasmic practice in such a way that you begin to shift internally your hormones. And you may just find that a lot of the symptoms of fall away and that either one of two things can happen and both are positive. Either your desire for the actual antidepressant can fall away, or you may desire to stay on the antidepressant, but you can find a doorway into your orgasm, even with the. Even with the antidepressant.

That's amazing. That is amazing. It's like a cure all. It's like a cure all. Let's get into that now. I think we should get into it now. Okay, so if you're just joining us, Nicole Daedon is the author of Slow the Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm. She also started this revolutionary place in San Francisco. It's a company called OneTaste. And OneTaste was founded in the summer of 2004. So you've been around for a while. And it's a place where sexuality, relationship and intimacy can be discussed openly and honestly. She teaches courses and they keep. Everyone I know is like, have you heard of One Taste? I'm thinking of taking a class. I've taken a class. So it keeps coming up everywhere. And we met Nicole. We've met a few times. And I've spoke at OneTaste and I went to your. When her book launched, she had an orgasm. We talked about this in the show an orgasm pop up store, which was so creative and clever. And it just had orgasm is. It had these big sheets of paper and everyone can come in and describe what an orgasm is to them, which I thought was just brilliant, because what is so many things to so many people? And so congratulations on that.

Thank you.

Revolutionary and so cool. So we're talking about Oming, which is orgasmic meditation. And many people might not have heard of it yet, but you will. So can you talk about. Well, first let's just back up and tell me about your background, who you are. Great. Okay. Okay. So how you got into this.

I fell into it. I tripped into it. It's not something that I. It's not something like I knowingly would have walked into. So I was teaching. I think that's probably the best place to start. That's where the first seed got laid. I was teaching at San Francisco State and I was teaching in a graduate teaching associate.

Okay.

And I handed out this questionnaire. I was teaching human sexuality and communications. I handed out this questionnaire. And in the questionnaire I said, what do you want to know about sex? To these? And it was to women at the time. And I was a young budding feminist, and I was so proud that we had our sexual liberation. And every single one came back with some version of what's wrong with me. And I was devastated. You know, I was like, where did our sexual liberation.

What do you mean, what's wrong with me? Give me an example.

They were like, I can't climax.

All of these places where I could feel deep seated shame in this area that was supposed to be free. Our power man. And so that stuck with me. And then what stuck with me is I also had a sitting meditation practice at the time. And I knew that there was a way that you could have a practice that was outside of the realm of theory. That gave you relief. But I didn't have any relief to offer these to these women. I just had more books for them to read and more recipes for them to follow that didn't address the fact that they didn't know how to feel.

Right, right.

And then, you know, several years later, I was getting ready to move into the Zen center.

I almost did that too. I've done vipassana meditation, like 10 day silent retreats and all that stuff. And I was really going down that. So I totally got it. Okay, so you were going to move.

Into the Zen, which is funny, you know, it seems diametrically opposed, but when.

You get down underneath, it's really not. It's all I'm saying. It's almost like having a practice. Yeah.

And I met a guy and he said, I want to introduce you to a sexuality practice. At a party. I was at a party. This is so embarrassing. And he said, you'll take your pants off. I'll have all of my clothes on. It will be for 15 minutes. You won't have to do anything in return. We'll talk about it before, during, and after. And the lights will be on. And I.

You're like, how about what my name is and what neighborhood I live in? Isn't that what people ask?

What's so funny, though, is like every single one of my objections that I would have made.

Right, right.

He answered all of them in the request. And so the next thing I knew, I was, you know, I was right. I was lying on my back, Right, right, right. With my legs butterflied open, the lights on, you know, And I said I was there. And I said, this is so strange. And then he started the practice and.

The oming practice, right.

He started stroking me. And, you know, I was where I always was. I was in my head, right? And I was thinking, like, like, do I like this guy? Am I fat? Are we gonna get married? All of that stuff. And then what happened was that chronic chatter all of a sudden just stopped for a minute and I felt something.

Wow.

And there had been like this underlying sense, you know, it's this underlying thing that made me reach out and seek into Zen Buddhism. It made me shop, it made me drink too much wine, made me eat too many cupcakes, all of these things. And it was like for the first time in my life, like that place got touched. And it hit me like, oh, my God, this is what it's supposed to be like.

Wow. Because how was your sex before that? Your Sex life before that, I would.

Say that my sex life would have been a 9 or a 10 on any one scale. On the scale that, I mean, it was like I had climax every time I had, you know, hot, sexy makeouts. It was like all of the stuff that we're told it's supposed to be. And this wasn't even this. It's like it wasn't like it went from, like, you know, a nine to a ten. It was like it went from a nine to a whole other.

Right. Like, I don't even recognize that last set. Nicole from the past. Yeah.

Who I was on the other side was a completely different human being.

Okay. And then did you get together with this guy or I. Well, okay, whatever. Years ago. So now. Okay, so what then? Let's talk about it then. So he omed you, right? Okay, so what is we ohmed? Okay.

So it's really simple and I'm so glad that you know vipassana, because I can use the basic terminology.

Vipassana is the kind of meditation that.

Yeah, okay, Right. So I'll describe it and it'll be in this scenario, it'll be a man and a woman. Okay. The woman will be being stroked. And so she would lie down. She would butterfly her legs open, and there would be pillows underneath both of her legs. He would put one leg underneath her knees, one over her belly. He would rest his thumb at the base of her introitus. So the introitus is the area where you to enter.

In intercourse.

Okay.

Right. So he would just rest his thumb there and then put his hand underneath her behind to secure her. He would then take lubrication and. And he would stroke the upper left hand quadrant of her clitoris. So if my clitoris were a clock and the 12 o' clock position were my belly button, it would be the one o' clock position where he would stroke.

Okay. Which is amazing that men can. I'm always amazed if men can even find the clitoris. Now we're like, but now you got to break it into quadrants. But this is what you teach. Right?

But like, you know, you know how you'll say like, a little to the left.

Yes, A little to the right. Exactly.

This is where we're trying to direct him. So now we actually have a map.

In the whole thing. You're like, that's so wrong.

And he's like rubbing now you can actually give him precise instructions on the location.

Okay.

So then he would just stroke up, down, up, down on the left quadrant first on the left quadrant. No more firmly than you would stroke the eyebrow.

Okay.

And both people.

Most people. Both people would keep their attention on that point of connection for all 15 minutes.

So you just had to breathe and focus on that part only. Okay, and then what happens?

Yeah, There you go. So now doesn't that sounds nice? It sounds. But doesn't it sound deceptively simple?

Like. Yes. Like, really? Right, right.

Great. Well, I can pet my cat too, right now. And I think it's simple in the same way that breathing meditation is simple. Like, okay, you're just sitting there focusing on your breath, and all of a sudden you're rocketed to the outer stratosphere. Fears of the universe. And if you haven't had that experience, there is no way you can describe the places you can get to just focusing on your breath.

Right.

My experience is. It's the exact same with Oming. It's like I have almost 10,000 hours of practice. If you do, if it were just like, you know.

Right.

There would be no way I could continue.

No. It's amazing. So you do it every single day.

Well, I haven't done. Now I stroke.

That's. Oh, now you stroke people. Okay, so now you're the stroker. Strokey stroker.

Because I spent so many years on my back.

Right. Exactly. Oh, my God. Lucky, lucky woman. So now you teach the classes to men and women how to do it. So what would you say then are the benefits? Like, what are the immediate benefit that someone will feel after they do it? Great.

So.

I think we actually have this malady. And the malady is very similar to when we had scurvy, which isn't a very beautiful way of putting it, but, you know, there was scurvy. It's this disease. They couldn't figure out why. But all of a sudden, all of these people who were on ships and happened to eat limes didn't get it. And then all of a sudden they located, oh, my God, it's the vitamin C inside. And then you get rid of this ailment. Well, I think we have an ailment in our culture, and it's basically. It's called tumescence. And it is the buildup of sexual energy inside of a woman's body.

Okay.

And so all of these different things, that underlying hunger, right. What I call the Western woman's mantra. I eat too much, I drink too much, I diet too much, I self help too much, I give too much, and still I can't feed that hunger. That feeling actually gets nourished. And when that Happens all of these other things, all these compensatory behaviors begin to fall away.

Right.

Sort of like our idea of a woman.

Begins to drastically change because we see women often as like manic or dramatic or we see her as controlling and tight and all of that falls away.

Right.

Because she actually gets nourished. So that feeling, if you've had a great make out.

Right, right. Love it.

You know, and you've just had that make out.

Great makeup too, that goes away after dating someone for a while. You got to bring it back, though. I think kissing's the first thing that goes. I always say. All right. I think it doesn't have to.

We can work on it. I mean, that's.

Work on it.

Yeah.

Okay.

So the.

Okay, yeah, sorry, go ahead.

So, you know, that way it's all of a sudden it's like you've had this great make out and it's like you have these different kind of 3D glasses where you're a little bit in love with everything. So, you know, like after you have this make out, he's eating and, you know, a little bit of food dribbles on his chin. That's so cute. And you lick it off, you know? Whereas like, before the make out, if that would happen, you'd be like, that is so disgusting. You know? So as women, we have like these really critical kind of tight minds. You know how it shifts after I make out. Now imagine if you had that kind of sensation in your body all the time.

Right? That's what, that's what you talk about. You talk about the practice of like, you're always in a constant state, like orgasmic. Right, Right. So I remember. How do you. Duh. It's so hard to explain, right? You just have to do it. Okay, so here's what I have to tell you. Okay, good. Okay, so I go to your orgasm pop up store, which we had the best time. We, like, were. My interns were like in the confession, the desire booth. And there was like. Or everyone wrote on the wall. We have a video on our website which you can check out of all the orgasm. What orgasm means to them. And it was so cool. But while I was there, I was approached by a few gentlemen.

Yes, it is. And I was approached by people like, what are you doing here? Are you part of Onetaste? Onetaste is the organization, is the company that you run. Nicole started this really successful company that teaches sex and sexuality. And what do you say? It teaches sexuality, relationships and intimacy.

A redefinition of orgasm.

Redefines orgasm. She's like, are you part of one taste? I'm like, well, I've been there. I'm not. I'm here. Like, love Nicole, love her work. Like, I don't really know. They're like, well, I'm looking for an oming partner. So three guys emailed me and called me since then. And I'm. At first I was like, I'm so curious about it. Like, I've talked to you, I've read your book. I've had some of your. Some of your one taste people on my show, like five years ago. So it's always been in my back, my mind. Like, I should. Ohm. Why don't I om. I got a om. I should. Oh my God. So anyway, he called me and I didn't get back to him. So then one email and he's like, okay, I know I should probably take this as a rejection because you haven't gone back to me twice. But I just want to. I was like, you know what? This is a sign. I gotta do it. So I'm meeting with him today.

We're not oming, but we're having coffee and just one of your, like, you know, one of you taking your class and he needs a partner and I think I might do it. So I think I'm so. I'm nervous. I'm whatever. He's like, well, should we just start doing it? I'm like, no, no, no, let's meet for coffee first. So we're gonna meet and I'm gonna. And I thought. I mean, they were all really. They had just all great vibes. Like, I don't just give out my number, but they all seem cool. So now I gotta. Now I gotta pick up. But he was the one that fouled up three times.

We call this a luxury problem. Do you know how many women I have who come to me and say, what if you don't have a partner and you don't think you could ever get one?

Oh my God.

So I'm so. I'm gonna go.

You're a turned on woman. Of course you do.

So we should do this. I just feel like it'll be a good thing so that I met him at your store. I'll let you know how it goes. But what else? What other? The other.

And I want to just offer you, you know, if this one doesn't work out, you can. I'm happy. I would love for you to have a session for you to be fully trained to the depth of training that you want. I would love you to have that.

Of course. I would love that. We gotta go.

See ya.

I want to do it now.

Really?

Nicole, that would be amazing.

Of course.

Because then we could like. Yeah. Oh, my God.

That's what we're doing.

I know, I know, I know.

You're already turned on. So you're actually somebody who can get the nuance of it.

What'd you say? You what?

You could get the nuance of it, right?

It would.

Yeah.

And lately it's funny because a bunch of my friends have been like, have you heard about that? Like, I feel like it's like it's in your book came out and it's just in the atmosphere right now. So what are the other things? Omi. So what is the difference between a woman orgasming and climaxing?

Right.

How. Check out the difference between those two. Because it's not about like we think orgasm is. Like, I remember you describing the story, people who work with you, about going over, right?

Going over.

Do you still use that?

We do. Or actually, I'll just say climax. At this point, I've distinguished between the two. And so. So really what climax is for most people, right? Well, it's two things. So the first is you're feeling kind of stressed out. You want to get rid of that feeling of stress in your body, and so you have a climax and you get back to normal. Or you're with a partner and you're feeling all this buildup of turn on, and then it's like, oh, you can't take it anymore. I love you. And then you climax, and then you lie together and take a nap, right? And how that happens is you progressively increase pressure, and then you pull everything up. And then you hear the bell ring.

Ding.

And then you expel it, right? And you'll notice, like, it's kind of violent in your body. It's a little violent and it's kind of exhausting, right?

Yes.

But the exhaustion feels good. Because usually we're so tense, we have so much tension that the exhaustion, by comparison, feels good. So that. So that's what a climax is to me. When I'm talking about orgasm, what I'm talking about is almost the exact opposite. I'm talking about cultivating sensation. I'm talking about progressively instead of, like, seeing the goal and racing for it, you know, like most like going to a symphony and only listening to the last note. You know, like going just for the symbol bong, right? Slowing down and feeling every single stroke. And when you do that, what happens is instead of just having this surface level climax. It goes all the way down. It sinks all the way down into your bones, into the sinew of your bones.

Is there any woman who's like, sorry, I tried. It didn't work? Like, this really works on every woman.

It works on every woman. I mean, it's.

It's like.

Well, I mean, it works like, practice it, though. Yeah. The same way that yoga works on everyone. It's like, yeah, that's. That's what we're building for. We're built for that kind of deep saturation sensation as women. When, you know, I have every woman, it feels like not every woman, but it feels like who comes to me says, I just. Like, my sex life is great or my sex life sucks, one of the two. And I just feels like there should be something more. And I think we have a sense in our bodies of what it's supposed to be.

Like.

Like, it's not. It. Like, as great as that.

Right.

Is Afterward, don't you kind of feel like. Yeah, well, anyway.

Yeah, exactly. Totally. Sometimes I definitely feel that way. Yeah. And I'm. And okay, so I'm wondering about the orgasm part then. So for women. What about women who are preorgasmic? I hate saying the anorgasmic, but women who haven't had orgasms yet, does this climax? Who don't climax. Right. Who don't climax. I mean, I'd say another one of my top questions I get asked is like, my. Women who can't have orgasms. Right. So this would, I think, would be a great game.

It's amazing. It's amazing. I think. Well, it's interesting because women who see themselves as not climactic often end up being the practitioners who have the deepest practice. Wow. Because they haven't attuned themselves to racing for that goal. And so their capacity to just keep sinking in and sinking in and sinking in. And then that's why we had the orgasm is stored. That's why it was so important. Because the definitions that we have for what sex is supposed to be do not actually suit a woman's body. So you can have this woman who has this unbelievable. I mean, like, unbelievably deep orgasm.

Right.

Like where massive contractions are happening and ejaculate is pouring from her. And she's. And she'll say, oh, there's something wrong with me. I'm an organ. I'm frigid.

And that has just happened to her. And she still thinks that. Right. Because she adapted to it.

Because it isn't the big kind of explosive climax that is actually suited for a man's body. And we as women can do it. It can be part of our repertoire, but it isn't the whole of what we're capable of. And she'll actually just be, you know, like, on the bottom notes of her piano keys. She'll be in a different part, and it'll be so beautiful. So a lot of our work is just going back and saying, oh, wait, no, that. That's beautiful. That's orgasm. Know that. You know, and then she'll say, like, oh, but it's. It's not working. It's wrong. And I'll say, well, did it feel good? Well, yeah, it felt good, but, you know, it just isn't right because they're.

So used to the explosive. To the exact. Right, exactly. It's like retraining your mind again and retraining your body about what it is. Yeah. Okay. Well, I love when you say that. What you do is you use.

You.

You spent your career redefining orgasm from a woman's point of view, right? So this really is all about women. It's orgasm and men. But I want to talk about the male's role. Like, so if a guy's listening to this and he's like, okay, great, so I can get her out where wasn't it for me? Right. So I just. Wasn't it for men?

Well, I want to say it's funny, because man's never asked me that question.

A man's never said what's in it?

Men don't ask me.

No.

Okay, good. I mean, I can tell you. And it. What's in it for the guy is on multiple levels. So on the first level, it's the fact that he actually gets instructions that he can understand on how to be with a woman's pussy. You know, here's this poor guy, right? His entire identity depends on how well he can do this, right? And he's supposed to know how to do it in the dark, under the covers without talking, Right?

Right. And a new woman. And even though his last girlfriend did it this way, this new woman, he's got to figure it out, the new body each time.

And even though all these men have been so horribly trained by our faking orgasm, you know, we're actually reinforcing faking it.

Exactly, right?

So just like his confidence level period of actually feeling like, okay, wait a minute, I've been asked to do something, and I have the instructions as to how to do it, and I can do it.

Well, right, right.

I think, though, there's this other element that we as women just do not get. We just don't get it because we're. We're not conditioned this way. See, a man is conditioned to be productive.

Right.

To bring home the bacon.

Exactly.

To give her pleasure. And so that gives him a kind of gratification that we could never. As women. We know.

Right.

We're just minxes. We know we can just roll over that thing. It'll feel good, and that's great. But we don't have a lot attached to how well we do it.

We're good. Right? Right.

But. But for men.

Oh, they're so tied up in it. Like, I've been with guys where I remember I didn't orgasm. And he was like, so, so upset. Like, I did something wrong. And this was like, just like a few months ago, this guy was dating. He was like, I'm really upset you didn't have an orgasm. I guess I had before with him. He's like, I'm just.

I don't know what.

He's wrong. Like, are you gonna sleep with me? Like, it was so. Because it's like they want to achieve, like, certain goals and milestones. Like, I failed. I failed with Emily last night. I was like, no, it's fine. It's cool, it's cool. It's whatever. So this would be this. So this practice really empowers men to get it finally. Because so many men just don't. Yeah, they don't get it. They don't know it. So you teach them. You break it down. Like the.

I totally break. I mean, I break it down.

You break it down to quadrants. I mean, the clutter is like, I'm the son. They know the clitoris exists, which many men don't. And then it's like quadrants. So then do they. So going back to the oming practice, then it's a 15 minute practice every day. Or you start with every day and then the men. So he starts with the left quadrant, and then you move to the other quadrants.

So there are 15 primary spots in the clitoris. And this is.

I know there's like thousands of nerve endings, so it makes sense that there'd be quadrants. Right.

So when we were talking about what the guy gets out of it, I can tell you that the next thing he gets out of it is a level of mastery. You know, one of the things Carlos Santana said, I think it was Carlos Santana said, after a period of time of playing the guitar, the guitar begins to play you.

Right.

And really, he gets to see. Have you read this book, Flow? The Psychology of Optimal Experience?

No, no, but I've heard of it.

So, you know, the basic concept is that the time when a human being is the happiest is in a deep state of absorption. And he can take on a practice to the extent that he can get so deeply absorbed in the practice and he can play her clitoris like an instrument and get it such a deep level of mastery that then he gets to sink in to that state that you get in yoga or meditation. She gets to sink into that state that you get in yoga or meditation. And they actually get to be there together.

Wow.

It's the only way that I know that two human beings get to be in that state.

That's amazing. And it just happens instantly because you're in this. It's like if you have a meditation practice. So they get into that together. But it takes time. I would think that it would take. It doesn't happen the first time. Or it does happen the first time.

It so doesn't. I mean, that's the thing we were joking about. Yeah, it doesn't. I mean, it's just hard to market.

It like your first yoga class. You're not. Whatever. And, you know, go out, run a marathon in a day.

Right, Exactly.

Totally. Okay, so what else can we learn about this? So what about oming for. Oming for men? You talk a little bit. Oming for men.

Great. So. So one of the things Charlie Glickman said this great thing about how many men ejaculate, but not every man is orgasmic, right? And this is when he said that, I was like, oh, thank God. So one of the things that's really key to me is that first we get are women orgasmic? So, you know, some of the statistics show that 76. In their last sex act, 76% of all men climaxed and only 26% of women did. So if you imagine that you're going out to lunch and he's eating 76% of his meal for years, and she's eating only 26%, you can feel that she has a hunger. So the first thing we do is we feed her. Well, then the shocking thing, lo and behold, what you discover is that when she's full, all of a sudden he steps outside of the context of obligatory sex, right? And all of a sudden she's full and she's pouring her desire over onto him.

Okay, so this releases. So you're the oming releases all this through desire And Earth sounds so amazing. Like, everyone should be doing this.

I totally agree.

So how do you get people? I mean, what about the skeptics who are like, yeah, yeah, yeah, like, how do you. You could learn it by downloading it on your website. You could buy your book. Would you recommend. The first thing is to take a class. If they're in San Francisco, do you have classes in other cities, too?

We do. We have. In fact. In fact, we're going to do a class in Boulder, I believe, and then we're doing a class in Los Angeles. And so we do classes throughout. But we also do Skype. We do a lot of Skype.

Yeah. This is so great. It's all at onetaste us, right? Exactly. Okay, so you can find. It's a great website. You could see all the stuff that you could download. And so if someone's like, listening to this and they're like, okay, so the oming practice is really. And then what about the intercourse? Like, do you find that people are matched in the classes? And then do they have intercourse? Or is it really you just focus on the orgasm? But does it lead to sadness, usually to intercourse?

That's a great question. So you can use it however you want. In my mind, it's like all of a sudden we are filling your bank account. However you want to spend it is up to you. There are people who, you know, I have artists who come in and they use it for their painting. And then I have people who take it and they use it to have their career feel more like being creative rather than efforting. Then there are people who use it in their deep meditation and awakening practices. It's however you want to use it. It's agnostic in that way.

So tell me about some of the success. So tell me about some of the befores and afters. I'd love to hear, like, is there someone sticks out of your mind? Like a student who was, like, super skeptical came in, or like a woman who's like, I've never had orgasm. I don't like sex. I mean, is there any person that comes to mind over all these years you've been doing it or just explain it?

Yeah, well, I mean, so what I say to skeptics is I would have been one too.

Right.

The only thing I get it, like, ever would have convinced me was trying it. So just try it. The worst thing you have to lose is 15 minutes.

Exactly. Right? Right.

So, you know, I do. I have this fun couple that they were married for 28 years and they hadn't touched in 18. And that was like, they hadn't even.

Like, nothing. It was like they would brush each other and it would feel awkward and uncomfortable. And just the experience of watching them progress, it was like watching something melt between them. And really watching her face melt.

Amazing.

It had sort of frozen into this I'm never gonna get what I want expression. And then just. It was so sweet, like, watching. It's like almost like there are movies where you watch someone smile for the first time, you know, and she would be like, so awkward in her display of love with him and coming back into relationship. And then seeing the glit, like, it was like I could watch the glimmers of who they were when they first got together and how much they had loved each other.

Which is like another top question we get asked is, we used to have had sex. We've been together for a year, 10 years, 20 years. How do we get back to it? So it sounds like oming would be a great way for couples at no matter what stage, even if you're not a couple. But for couples, if you know what stage your relationship, it would be a great practice to invest in to just kind of bring that spark back to your sex life.

That's exactly so that your. Your sex life can get exponentially better for the rest. Like the woman I know who's been oming for 30 years, right? Like, it's like her practice only gets deeper and better on a daily basis.

Now, can women teach this to men or is the men have to be trained in it? Like, let's say, okay, so let's say I meet with this dude today.

We'Re.

Not doing anything today. Or I mean, you know, and then like, is it the kind of thing that I could teach a partner? Or really, the guys have to go in for their specific training, you know, you can.

And I'd rather not.

Now that I'm thinking about it. I want him to know I want to lay back.

See, that's. And that's the thing that we offer men. That's the thing we'll say. We'll show you how to handle her pussy better than she knows how to handle her own pussy.

I love it.

And I think that's as women what we want, right? We just want to not be able to have to. To have to give constant instruction. You want to let go. And so we expect them, though, to be mind readers. And so what we do is we give him the mind reading lessons so that when he enters, he knows exactly what to do. And so that, you know, for example, my stroker, I'll think, I wish he'd turn to the left and right as I'm thinking it, his finger moves because.

He can read your body.

He can read my body.

And that's what you're. So that's. We should get into that for a second because we have a few more minutes here. But how do we get into the talk about that? Like that experience, how you can you learn to read each other's energies? Because so much about sex, I'm always talking about like, well, men are like, I don't know if she likes it. I'm like, well, what did her body do? Did she breathe? Did her breath quicken? Did she pull back? So this practice teaches you how to really read a woman.

Right?

Right. Because you're getting, you're in there and you got to subtly like watch. So he knew that you wanted that because of the way the energy that you were giving off.

Well, he has a very subtle and nuance capacity to sense. But I think, you know, the first thing we, I do the very hard work of. It's so hard. I train men how to not listen to women because, you know, we as women are trained to perform. And so we will scream louder, move our hips harder. We'll do all of these things to show him and convince him that we're getting off in such a way that we actually distract him from the whether or not we are.

Right. Totally true.

So I, so he'll, you know, he'll be listening to her moans and I'll say, ah, ah. No, don't listen. Do not believe that moan. I want you to only, you know, first thing I have him do is look at the actual physical involuntary signifiers of swelling of contractions in a gel.

In the glitter lips.

Because that's something she can't fake.

Right.

So that actually gives a man power. As women, we're kind of mad that our performance doesn't work for a while, but then we are so grateful that he actually, he has his own measuring stick as to what's happening in your body.

And this is something that a man can take with any woman that he's with. I mean, it might be different her practice, but just the starting out and the way you do it is a practice that he becomes fine tuned through the process.

It gives him the tools for himself that he brings with him wherever he goes.

So what happens in the class? What's your most popular class? For men?

For men? Well, we have an online class that's amazing called Goldfinger that's online.

Awesome. Because our listeners are all over the world. Yeah.

The testimonials we get are like, oh, my God, I know what I'm doing.

Wow, man. You can figure out what you're doing. Please do this.

We give him the cartography of the clit. We give him all of the points of sensation. We show him how to do. Like, for example, there's a stroke that makes her feel like she's in love. There's a stroke that makes her feel like she's reverent. It's a high light stroke on the tip of the clit. There's a deep, abiding sex stroke that you can get when you go back behind the hood. It's all of the locations on her body.

Oh, my God. And what's your feeling on the G spot? She's getting. Erin's getting. My intern's getting turned on. What about the G spot?

I think it is an amazing example of the back of the clit.

The G spot. Okay. Do you do any work around that?

No.

No. You're like, you got to focus.

Yeah.

Right. Also, they say that G spot orgasms, if that is your thing and you're into it, that you have to be turned on first through your life.

Exactly. Yeah.

Okay, good. I love it. Any other final words, people, that we need to say that you want to impart any word wisdom? I'm, like, hot and excited, and I want Nicole. Really? So men and women. Women. Own women. Women own women.

Women. Well, it depends if you're down with that.

Right? Totally.

We're agnostic in terms of what people do.

Okay. God, I love it. It's so cool.

It's really.

This is so revolutionary. So Slow Sex is the book. The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm. Increase pleasure and deepen intimacy through the practice of orgasmic meditation. And I feel like everyone needs a little deepening of their intimacy because we're all, like. We're all on cruise control. We've all had sex the same ways for all these years. You do the same thing over and over and over again and how. And everyone wants a better sex. So this is really, like, a tool. If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you. But it seems like it works for most everyone. Like, you have nothing to lose by learning.

Nothing to lose.

Please, like, go learn about the clitoris. Like, I think every man. Like, it should be required. It should be.

That's what Tim Ferriss said.

It should be. It should be, like, like, done. Like, every single guy I'm with I almost want to go back and do overs. Like, I wish they knew this. So. Okay. And your website, one taste.

Okay. Nicole Zadone, thank you so much for being on the show.

My pleasure. It's great being here.

Okay. And we're gonna ohm. We're gonna have so much fun together. Okay, everyone, thanks so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And this is free show Friday, so enjoy it. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com okay, so I need to tell you a little bit about my favorite sex toys on the planet, which is the Jae Joo. You remember when I first got the Mimi? Yeah, like a few years ago.

JJU Jew Mimi.

How you say it?

Jju means it always has stuck in my brain because it has a funny name.

Yeah. Jae Joo. J E J O U E. They make high quality premium sex toys. They're rechargeable, waterproof, powerful, and they have the best designs. They have the one that I was talking about, the duo that's remote control that just came out like, yesterday. And they have the Mimi.

They have the most amazing penis ring in the world called the Mio.

And you can play with these toys together on your own. The Mimi is great for clitoral stimulation during sex. The fifi. One of my interns just wrote a great blog about it, like, having her, like, first G spot orgasm with a fifi. And the thing about these toys which makes them so different is not just the design, but they actually their motor. It's a vibrator, but it has this rumble, but it's not like a loud rumble. It's just I didn't know what it was until Alicia from the company was on the show. I was like, oh, this is why it's so great, because I have so many vibrators. So I love them.

The MIO, the Fifi, the Nuwa, the.

All of them go to JJOO.com these are next level sensations. Oh, and they're beautifully packaged and discreet. I actually keep the boxes to, like, store things in because they're so cool and you get a little, like, tie with them. A lot of them. You get a blindfold and they're awesome. So go to J E-J-O-U-E.com, use code.

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