Refresh Your Relationships, Sex Life & Pleasure!

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And get your magic wand today to join the pleasure revolution. That's Magic Wand study. Com. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. It's time to evaluate what's working and what isn't in your love life. Today we're diving deep into the hard questions. How do you know when it's time to let go of a relationship that's no longer serving you? I'll be sharing the key warning signs that your relationship might be beyond repair, including the famous Four Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse from renowned relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman. We'll explore the difference between healthy conflict and destructive patterns. And I'll help you understand when fighting has crossed the line from productive to toxic. My intention is to give you the tools to honestly assess your relationship and make empowered decisions about your love life, whether that means working through challenges or knowing when it's time to move on. All right, everybody, enjoy this episode. Physical touch is my language, but we all crave touch. We actually need touch. It's part of our psychological and emotional development. And when we don't have touch, we might experience more anxiety and depression. I know it's so hard to tell where did my anxiety come from, but there is something called skin hunger. And that is. That is a real condition. Feel like, is that real? Yes. Your skin gets hungry for touch. And when we're deprived of touch, as many of us have been, especially touch from another human, that can result in a lot of psychological problems and anxiety and all that. And I'm hearing from A lot of you that are ready to get out and start dating again, because maybe you haven't been dating. And so I want to cover a lot of that in this show about how we can sort of spring clean our relationships, our sex life, our dating life, and maybe you've been, you know, how do you start dating again and bring fun back into your life? Here's my prediction. So after the 1918. What was it, the Spanish flu? After the 1918 Spanish flu, we went into a decade, the twenties, right, the roaring twenties, which was all about, like, drinking and partying and. And it was a good time. When you think like the roaring twenties, Well, I think we're heading into the roaring twenties again, and this could be a decade of hedonism. I feel like I've been preparing for it my whole life. I feel like I've been preparing for it my whole life. But now we're all going to be part of it. That is my prediction. You heard it here. So. But today we're going to talk about how to get prepared for that. Okay. Because people have said to me that sounds really negative. That sounds like you're just going to be, you know, a heinous. And it is. Like anything, it's extreme. But it's a theory that pleasure in the sense of satisfaction or desires is the highest good and proper aim of human life. Oh, I actually agree with that. But I understand that a hedonist can come up as really selfish and they're about their own pleasure. I'm not talking about that kind of hedonism, like individual hedonism. I'm talking about all of us realizing that we deserve pleasure, pleasures, our birthright, and that we want it for ourselves and we want it for others. So that's my official definition. So. So a lot of you were talking about dating again, Right? So I'm going to get into how we can sort of start to connect again with our dating life. And maybe you want to spring clean your relationship. You don't want to get rid of your partner, but you want to make sure that in this next year you connect again. Maybe you want to change things in your sex life. But I was thinking about this because traditionally it's about removing clutter. And I have this garage that is filled with so many things that I started cleaning out my own garage. And there are so many things that were in it. This is what I. This is what I found. I found a Christmas tree. Not a live one, but like a dead Christmas tree, A massage table, workout things, love letters. I have Every letter I've ever received in my entire life for some reason. I have a lot of lamps. There was a lot of lamps. I obviously, there was tons of sex toys. I have a weird thing with my sex toys. I have gotten rid of some, but some of them I just. I still want to try. So there's piles of ones I want to try, but there's just some. Like my very first magic wand or my first we vibe. Like, they're in the box. I just. I love them. They're part of my history. A lot of cleaning stuff. A lot of suitcases. Apparently I need to travel. But you need different size of suitcases, right? You just do. I have. I have every size. So if you need to borrow a suitcase, I've got that. There's a lot of pillows and curtains and furniture and files, papers. I don't know. It was very cleansing. It's very healing to remove stuff that you do not need because, okay, take it literally. There is now more space. I can walk through there. I can walk through my garage. Think about if you clear out all the clutter in your life, the people, the relationships, things that just don't serve you, you are literally making, quite literally, making space for new stuff to come in. Like, if you sent me another sex toy before, I was cleaning out my. There was no room in my garage. But now I have space. I know what I have. It's so. It's so freeing, and it can be really settling. It's good for your nervous system to get rid of what doesn't serve you. So. Oh, the other thing I want to say about spring cleaning. So I said this on the Pleasure Planning Show. We talked about our new Pleasure Planner, which we have a Pleasure Planner. And you should go to our website and download it. But the Pleasure Planner is all about prioritizing pleasure the next year, whether you're in a relationship or you're with yourself. And it's an exercise, it's a guide. It's a free guide that you download. And you look at all the ways, like, what is. What makes you happy? And I'm not just talking about sex. Maybe it's seeing your friends. Maybe it's gardening. Maybe it's going for a walk. And you look at all the ways that you experience pleasure. And then we give you a roadmap to figure out how to plug that into your life in the new year. And of course, there are sex things, too, to plug in. So if you're in a relationship, you can do it month by month. Like, we just did the yes, no, maybe list. And now we're going to try a night of massage. We're going to have a threesome. You know, all the things. Because I believe that if you don't, you fail to plan. What is it? If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Essentially, you do. Think about it. If you don't plan, if you don't know where you're going, you're just going to keep kind of swerving around and, oh, look, a puppy. But when you plan, like, I want my year to look like abcd, I want my year to be because I know when I do the things that give me pleasure, I have a much better year, a much better time, a much better week. So I have to, like, schedule those things in. So anyway, you could check that out. But something I mentioned on that show was that I have so many sexy, sexy lingerie and, like, costumes and things that I love wearing. And for whatever reason, it was all in this little drawer. I don't have a ton of drawer space in my house, but for some reason, my belt drawer, which I never wear belts, was at a massive drawer. So it's. Since I stated it, because today we're also going to talk about stating your intentions for the year and manifesting. That's how you get rid of stuff and how you figure out what you want. I said it to you on the show. I made the promise that I was going to prioritize my sexy things. My lingerie, I actually did it last weekend. I move the belts, don't wear those. And I brought out all my things and I organized it until, like, I got rid of stuff. I tried everything on. I got rid of what didn't work. And now I know, like, this is what's going to make me feel sexy. It's like garters and bras and little costumes and fun little sparkly headbands and I guess headbands for sex, but mine headbands are sexy. Anyway, for me, again, we get to decide. We all get to decide what is sexy. For me, it's this. Oh, it's a sparkly headband, but it goes with a. It goes with this halter top that's like a sequin butterfly that just. It's very cool. It's from Burning Man. Anyway, I did all that. It felt good. So when you're thinking about your relationship, like, if you think about this time, about being a time to refresh and renew and reevaluate everything in your life, it's important because we're releasing, we Release our old thoughts, people that no longer serve you. You make space. You gain clarity. Like, what are my values? What's important to me? You know, if your relationship. If sex and intimacy is important, your relationship, it's time to prioritize it, you know? So let's start with relationships in your life. Let's start. How would we clean those out? So think about your toxic partners. Are your toxic friends. And if you're like Emily, how do I know if I. If someone's toxic? So here's how you know. You feel worse when you're with them. They make you feel bad. They don't celebrate you every time after you leave them. You're like, did she really mean that? Did he really tell me that I'll never, you know, that my idea was bad? Or he didn't, you know, compliment me, or she made me, you know, made me feel worse. If you're constantly with people or friends that just make you feel bad, it's probably pretty toxic, because the people that you want to be with, they see the higher version of yourself. They. They want you to be your best self. They want you to win. They're on your side, so that's a sign. The other thing is an energy drain. The people that you leave and you're like, I got to gear up for this lunch with this friend. Or every time I go out with this person, I feel, you know, even if you have sex with someone and you go home, maybe you're just seeing someone casual. You're like, do they still like me? Was I bad in bed? Did they think all those doubts, all those things, that's how you know that people suck the life out of you. Like, okay, so I was thinking about this when I first started sex with Emily. I was dating a guy at the time who was like, this is a terrible idea. Like, why would anyone want you to talk about sex? I mean, they're going to think that you're super slutty or. Or you worked in politics. Like, why is anyone going to believe you? And he constantly made me feel bad about my choices. And so I just want to be with someone who gives me freedom and they make me feel good and they're not jealous of my friends, and they don't try to, like, suffocate me. If you're in a relationship that feels suffocating and they gaslight you, which is a manipulative behavior, that everything is an argument, and they make you feel insane, toxic, you know? And I think also, like, how to know if a relationship is over if you're constantly fighting, you can't agree with the problems are anymore. You're always justifying staying in the relationship and you feel like you can't even tell your friends and lovers, your friends and family that you're still with this person. Maybe you feel like you're a different person around them. And if you know it's over, you're doing a service to your partner by letting them know as soon as you know that it's not going to work. So just remember to break up with integrity and kindness and have honest conversations about how you're going to dissolve the relationship and just again, just try to do it with integrity and without gossiping and name calling and all those things. Hedonism is the ethical theory that pleasure is the highest good. And so I guess I do agree with that. But people think that hedonism is all about your ego and individual pleasure. And I'm going to feel good at all costs. But I believe that we're heading into a place where hedonism is more about our pleasure and respecting the pleasure of others and trying to have them experience more pleasure in our life because God knows we haven't had it. In fact, my theory, 1918 was a Spanish flu. And after the Spanish flu we went into the Roaring twenties, right? It was like debauchery and drinking and it was just the flappers and the whole thing. Well, I think we are there again after COVID 19, after the COVID virus, and we've all been in lockdown. We are now in the 20s. And I think it's going to be a decade of hedonism and pleasure and self love and realizing that when we don't have those things because we are essentially deprived of it the last year, which we've never ever been in this position before, where we couldn't do the things that we wanted to do, couldn't go out and see our friends, we couldn't go hug them, we couldn't even go to the beach for a few months. You couldn't go outside. The hiking trails were closed. I mean, we could go to restaurants, you could go to movies. Like those are pleasurable things. So as a result. Correct for that, I think that we're heading into a decade of realizing that we have to prioritize our pleasure and that it is our birthright. So who's going to join me? And we'll do it in moderation. I'm not saying we're all going to go off the rails, because I'm not saying that I'm Just saying. Let's prioritize our pleasure. And I'm here with Anderson. My darling Anderson. It's been a while.

It's been a long time.

I know. I did a little vacation.

What are you doing? Why are you out there cheating?

I know. I'm sorry. I'm not really cheating, but I was with my mom on vacation.

Was that fun?

Was it a good time? You know what? I gotta say it was. I haven't had a vacation since the early 2000s, and it was really nice just to get away with my mom and to. You know, my mom's super chill, so she's not like, ma all over myself.

She was on. The show was in here. I like her.

Yeah. You guys check out the show with my mom. That was a really popular show.

Did your stepdad go, too?

No.

Girls weekend.

Girls weekend. We went to Cabo, and it was fun. I really just needed to relax, and my mom has way more energy than I do, and she was like, let's go sightseeing. I'm like, nope, I'm just sitting by the pool.

I would guess that it was the other way around. You Tom?

Exactly. My mom.

Is your mom being going, Can I just please relax by the pool, honey? And you're like, no, we have to go see this. We have to do that. We have to do this. And I heard there's a sex lecture.

I used to be like that. And I have to say that since I haven't had a vacation in so long, I really needed the distance and the perspective to just step back and reflect and do nothing. I'm like, no, I'm not going shopping. Not doing this. And she was cool. And then she chilled out, which was good for her. And I had a lot of breakthroughs.

It takes experience. It's hard to do a good vacation because most of the time, if I go on vacation, I might come back exhausted. And you don't want to do that. You want to have a nice. You want to experience new stuff and see new stuff for sure. But you got to find a balance, and you got to come back relaxed. I don't. I can't. Most every single vacation I go on, I come back and I'm like, work. I'm so tired, though, from running around on my vacation.

Yes. I did not run around. And I was there. I was healthy. I meditated every day. I ran. I, you know, took care of myself.

Oh, hippie, dippy.

I'm a hippie. What can I say? And so that was fun. And then also, I just want to mention that we've had some really good shows, you guys. First of all, our show was God number six on iTunes, which is amazing. But there's been some really popular shows. We just posted out the five bedroom mistakes you might be making. You might love that episode. And then what women really want in bed with the lady gang. So check out that podcast. That was fun, too. And spring. It's spring. Spring is sprung.

Spring.

Do you know what happens in the spring, Anderson?

Yeah, Flowers bloom and, like, little birdies hatch and bears come out of retirement. Or hibernation.

Exactly.

Yeah.

That's what happens. And it's a time for renewal. Rebirth. Cleaning out your closet. Do you do that kind of thing?

No.

Okay. Out with the old and with the new.

You know why I am. I live in California, and it's always like, spring slash summer out here.

That's true.

I don't really notice that seasons pass or come.

No, it's. It is true. My mom's in Michigan. She goes, I'm so excited. When I get home, I can buy winter clothes in the basement, and I.

Can bring out my love that. Yeah. You know, I have to do things like, I have a number of calendars around my house so that something changes. You know, it's true. Every time a new season officially comes on board, you know what I do? I'm. I got a new collar for Stan. He has four. He has four. I was gonna ask you separate collars. He's got a spring. This is ridiculous. But sure. His spring collar. He's got his winter collar. He's got his fall. And. And what's the other one?

I almost bought him a collar in Mexico, but I didn't know if he doubted.

He already has his.

Cute. I didn't know.

Black is for winter.

I'm glad I didn't.

Green is for spring. Yellow's for.

He'd offended if he didn't wear it. Stanley's a dog. Check out my Instagram if you want to see pictures. Or my Facebook.

Yes.

Yeah. You know what's funny, though? Every time I get it. So when you call Lyft, do you like Uber?

Yeah. It's a little pink mustache.

When you call Lyft for it to ride, do you know that it's connected to your Facebook? And the picture they see that pops up, I get in their car and, you know, my Facebook profile is me and Stanley.

Oh, it is. I didn't know that.

Yeah. So it's really funny because I'm always like, oh. They're like, oh, you have A cute dog. So every time I get in lift, they're like, what kind of dog is that? And I'm like, it's not really my dog.

Oh, you could lie.

I lie.

I have a feeling I know where you're going. You're talking about maybe cleaning out the bad relationship in your life.

Exactly. We get rid of position possessions and maybe the people who aren't really serving you that well, like, you know, like orally. Yeah, they're not giving you oral sex. That's one of the points. It's time to freshen everything up. Okay. That's what we're doing here in spring. And there's actually this book that's been crazy bestseller. It's this Japanese book about decluttering. It's a Japanese organization book and it's. I can't find the name of it. No, no, no, no, it's better than that.

Ironically, most people who bought that book. It's probably part of the clutter now.

No, here's.

The book is actually clutter.

What you don't know about me, that's.

True irony right there.

Can I tell you? What? What can I tell you? I'm looking it up, so keep talking.

You have a hard time doing two things at once, so.

Okay. It's called. It's Marie Kondo wrote a book about Japanese organizing. The. The Life Changing magic of Tidying Up. Sounds silly. There's a million books on organizing, but this book. So I'm obsessed with organizing. I don't think you know this about me because I'm actually not organized. Have you noticed?

Yes, I've noticed. I'm disorganized.

I'll like when I want to relax and chill out or I feel like I need to like de stress. I like stand in target and I'm like, oh, if I could just buy those organizers for my files and everything will be okay.

But then you just walk right by the aisle.

No, I buy tons of organizers.

They become cluttered.

Clutter.

Yeah, the irony. You see the irony.

Dude, there's so much irony in my life. But anyway, this is her trick in the book, which is why it actually works because I actually read the book. And her thing is she wants you to separate everything into piles. Like these are my T shirts, these are all my clothes, these are all my books. And then you have to hold everything in your hand for a second and say, does this bring me joy? And if it doesn't, you toss it.

What if it brings you joy right in that moment because you forgot you even had it? No, because I. I have this issue.

My wife's always rationalized and stuff, but if you really think about it, you're like, what's kind of broken? Or like, my dad gave it to me as a gift, so I gotta save it. But you know what? You gotta think they gave it to you as a gift at that moment to make you happy. They don't care if you hang on to the T shirt from Florida, you know?

Yeah. I got, like, a guilt thing going. Like, my mom used to pack my lunch when I was in grade school, and I didn't like the American cheese, but I'd eat it because I picture her putting it on my sandwich. And I'd feel bad that she went through the effort. You know what I mean? So I eat it anyways.

Yeah. What kind of thing? So it's getting rid of stuff. So, you know, we all go through phases in relationships, and couples experience, like, up and down, up and downs. But there is a point in a relationship where you have to ask yourself some questions. And if you've been kind of thinking, I'm not sure if this is working for me. We've been fighting for a while. I'm not sure this is the person. I'm going to give you some things to think about. We're going to walk this through here. I was talking about this book to my friend, and she was saying that, you know, and I've read a lot of these different things, and they're like, you know, if you want to find a partner, you have to make room. Like, if you're single, which you are not single, but make room in your home so you can welcome that person in. Like, have two nightstands with two lamps and make sure there's space. And you're. And I thought about it, and so I live in a very tiny cottage, and one of the problems with my bedroom is that you actually can't. I have no closet, so it's all hanging right. You can't actually get to the other side. Other side of the bed. And my ex, who I broke up with a few months ago, he was like, I can't. It was so hard for him to get into my room. And he didn't like sleeping there, not because of that, but he liked my house. But it was like that. And I'm like, oh, my God, I was not welcoming you into my home.

And you might be doing this subconsciously, too.

Maybe. I was like, I don't want you in my bed. But anyway, that's just a whole nother story. But here's some signs that it might be time to let go. And again, you guys, let me just tell you something. This is not a Cosmo survey. Cosmopolitan. You're not gonna, like, check, check, check, break up. Like, I have no formula here, but these are just. I want you to start thinking about these things.

Where does this list come from?

My brain.

Your brain? Yeah. From the mind of M. Let's do this. I'm excited.

Okay. Ready?

Yeah.

Number one, if there's abuse, whether it's emotional or physical. Now that seems obvious. You often don't know if you're in an unhealthy situation, because obviously you're not. Like, I like to be abused. And so, you know, this feels really, really good. And this is a deal breaker. But again, when you're in it, you don't know that you're in that cycle of abuse.

You're absolutely right. I've talked to a number of girls in my life, Em, and it's. It's shocking how many of them will say without, you know, even the. Without any kind of vein of. Of irony or anything that. About how they are abused in the relationship. And. But they don't speak about it as though it's. Again, then he starts calling me fat, and he's yelling at me, and it's like they're bitching about it, but they don't realize this is hard for abuse. And that's why you need go.

Right? And that's why you need to be able to have friends or people you trust and reflect on. So here's the cycle of abuse. Do you know the cycle of abuse? And if you want to Google this, there's a great. It's, you know, I learned this in psychology. But there is a cycle. There's like, you know, if you Google it, go to Google images. You'll see, but it's. It's number one.

Yes.

The tensions build. So, you know, tensions increase. There's a breakdown in communication. You feel like the victim. Fearful. That kind of thing.

Walking on eggshells.

Yeah, exactly. Then there's an incident. Something can happen verbally, they assault you, or emotionally or physically. Anger. Then there's the reconciliation you make up. It feels really good. You feel like you're getting closer. There's apologies. You give excuses. You deny that it even happened. And then there's a calm after that. And you think, oh, you know, this is the fourth stage of it. It's forgotten. There really was no abuse. And you get in that honeymoon phase, and you're like, wow, we're healing, we're moving. And then the tension starts building. So it's a loop. But tensions build. Incident, reconciliation, calm.

Can I just. What do you say to this? There. Every good healthy relationship does have a cycle where fights do come. If you show me a couple that never gets in any fights for years, that's an unhealthy couple that don't really pay attention to each other.

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But living separate lives.

But I'm talking about abusive tension. Yes, because I'm talking about verbal abuse. And we're going to label. We're going to. I'm going to let you know here some signs that you are. Don't worry, we're getting into this. So if you notice, this cycle might be time to end the relationship. It's never good. And let me tell you also if you are an abusive relationship and you get out of one, that's a great time to learn from the relationship and to do some work on yourself.

Reevaluate.

Repeating the cycle number two. The fighting gets mean and it starts happening more Frequently. So, like you just said, Anderson, couples, they fight.

Yeah.

If you never fight. Oh, we're so happy. That's also.

You're gonna have disagreements, but we're talking about.

It gets mean.

What gets mean? It gets mean.

That's such. Yeah. And happening more. It happens more and more. Now, John Gottman, he's one of my favorite researchers. Have you heard of Gottman?

Gottman.

Gottman Institute? So Gottman, he did these amazing studies, and he did these studies over years and years, and he watched couples, and he was able to identify predictors of either a failed or terminally happy, unhappy relationship. He studied couples over a few years, period. And now it gets a point where he could look at him for five minutes and he can tell if a few things happen, that it's not going to last.

Right.

So let me tell you what these are.

I would think that some of these couples had issues because they're like, I really don't like that there's a dude named Dr. Gottman over my shoulder, constantly watching us.

Well, no, exactly. That was another issue. No, but I'm telling you, you're going to hear these and you're going to know it. Actually, it's called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Tell me.

Tell me more.

Okay, number one, criticism versus complaints. So a complaint, specific situation, right? Like your partner failed, you know, you in some way, and you're like, hey, you know, you know, it kind of attacks their. That's criticism, and then there's complaints. So let me. Complaints are a little bit.

Tell me the difference between.

Okay, right. Here's a complaint. Anderson, now we're married.

Okay.

God. There's no gas in the car. Again, I'm really aggravated you didn't feel it, and you said you would, and I'm really disappointed. That's a complaint. Here's a criticism. You never remember anything. Anderson, I told you to fill up the gas. You can't be counted on, and you're a loser. And everything you do is like, I'm never trusting you again.

Yeah, okay. Yeah. You're attacking my moral fiber.

Exactly.

That's who I am.

So couples who are more critical than they are complaining is a problem.

So critical. It's like you're.

That's the first one.

And it's. You're attacking who they are, rather to what they did.

Exactly.

A complaint is about what they did specifically.

You're like, you don't make it into this global. You always forget things. You're like, you know what? This one incident, you said you felt the gas I was late for work. That bummed me out. Number two, under the four signs that your relationship is probably in double contempt. This is a huge one. Contempt. Now you know what contempt is? It's when your behaviors, it communicates disgust. It's like, I'm. Yeah, just saying. Like, it's not. It's like, it's includes things like criticism, sneering, sarcasm, like name calling, like you're an asshole. Like, you roll your eyes, you mock them, you make fun of them. That's contempt. And it's hostile. Okay.

It's the way you treat someone you really don't disdain.

Yeah, you're rolling your eyes. It's disrespectful.

It's beyond resentment.

Exactly. It's disrespect. Then we get.

This is like how I treat co workers that I have to work with, but I don't want to like, have a relationship with them, but I have to interact with them.

Right. It's contempt.

And I think I'm just gonna put.

This on the website because I'm gonna give you a dishing out a lot here. But this is all like. I believe that Gottman is probably one of the greatest researchers on relationships, so I'm glad we're talking about this. Okay, so then there's defensiveness. This is just like the problem. It's not me, it's you. We all know what being defensive is, but this is like your partner's always defensive. They never take responsibility for their own behavior. And they point to something you did and they complain about you. You're like, listen, Ani, I'm really upset. You said that there was, you know, you were gonna bring home dinner night and I'm gonna get hungry. They're like, well, you never do this and, you know, they never can take it in. They can never take feedback. They always point it right back at you.

Can I just say too though about that, Em, a lot of people, that's like a personality disorder and they're like that across the board with everybody in their life.

Right.

You know what I mean? But there are those people that are gonna be defensive, whether they're like married to you or they're. You're their child or you work with them.

But that's really, really.

It's awful. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're never gonna get it because you're. You understand, this is when the breakdown. I always say that you gotta. Is when I'm not saying again, you can end it. These are signs that you could work on it. You could say, you know, What? My partner is displaying some of these. And this is when you go to therapy and you say, you know what? These are the issues. And then oftentimes when couples therapy works, that's when you learn the tools to. They give you tools actually in therapy. And then you go home and you practice. You're like, you know, when you say this in that tone, it really upsets me. And then you learn in therapy that you have a sign that was that tone again. And you learn to kind of change behavior. Some couples are not able to reconcile that. And then also the frequency of fighting, the fighting, like I said, the beginning, more and more fighting. You can't agree on the smallest, smallest things.

That's beyond that point. Right?

Beyond repair. Okay, number three. Now, this is number three of the big signs. That was just part. Number two, there's no trust. Any foundation or iota you had of trust is just completely gone. Maybe someone cheated. You know, it could be from past relationships, too. It could be childhood trauma. You're always accusing your partner of cheating, and you just cannot build the trust. And it doesn't matter. There's insecurity, there's jealousy, and this. As you know, if you've been in a relationship like this, both parties will suffer. The problem with trust is people think that, well, I keep reassuring my partner. I keep telling them, you know, you know, I'm not cheating, or if I cheated once, you know, I won't do it again. That's. This is another case where most, in most scenarios, couples on their own cannot rebuild trust without the help of a third party. And that is a therapist, because there's so much broken down already. And the problem is, if there is an indiscretion, like, let's say, that gets founded on, you know, someone did cheat, for example, oftentimes the person who was a cheater doesn't want to talk about it. It's like, it's done, it's over, let's move on.

It's shameful. And they.

The problem is, is that. But the person who was cheated on, they don't get. They need closure. They need to hear. Sometimes they need to hear every detail, and you need to be patient with them. And whatever case may be, these couples.

Can'T get past it when the relationship's been damaged that bad. It's like the equivalent of having a broken leg that you need to go to the doctor and get it reset. You need to go to a therapist to get your relationship reset if it has any hopes of ever being healthy again.

Now, early on, when this happens, if you notice it in your. You're in a relationship where, you know, there's a lot of.

I've been in relationships for, like, two weeks. Where all we hit all these milestones.

Right?

Yeah.

And how'd they go?

Sex is awesome. But then.

Right.

Yeah. Everything else is.

So we always hear from people who are like, my partner's really jealous. It's not working out. Guess what? That's not going to go away. And it's probably doesn't have anything to do with you.

And the jealous partners are usually cheating. That's why they're jealous.

Well, that's interesting. That's true. A lot of times when your partners could be projecting. And early on, if you catch this, you can work it through with therapy and try to rebuild it. But sometimes, point of no return, you know, if you've given it your best, you're not gonna be able to rebuild the trust. Game over.

And sometimes it's not worth it unless you got, like, kids or, you know, or it's the first time you've ever been able to find somebody that you could work with.

Exactly.

But a lot of times it's just like, get out. Get out.

Yeah. Because you're not. If you're not working on the trust, it's not just gonna magically go away.

Right.

Okay. Number four, there's no sex in the relationship. But that. We all know sex waxes and wanes in relationships, ebbs and flows, waxes and wains. But this is when you've tried, like, you've actually made an effort. You've tried to talk about it, you tried to work on it, and it just dies out. And this is not about sex drive and libido. And you just had kids. Sometimes you just. You just don't want to have sex with your partner anymore.

You become a roommate.

Yep. You become roommates. You're not interested. You find that you're really attracted to other people. You're making lots of excuses not to get intimate with your partner. And like I've always said, if you're just. If you're not having sex with your partner, it's gone on too long. You are roommates and you're not lovers.

Right.

Okay.

But you're comfortable. And you can't imagine your world without that person, especially if you share a space. A lot of the time, people don't like change. And you're gonna have to make a massive change and have a different living space and have a different roommate or maybe no roommate. And that's scary.

Right.

But you only have one life, as far as we know.

Exactly.

Can't be wasting it.

And I have to tell a story. Actually, I have a friend, years ago, a few years ago. She's older than me, but she was married when I started my show. Of course I talk about sex with everybody. And she was like, you know, they'd been together like 15 years at the time. A woman I worked with, she said, emily, I don't care about sex. He's a great dad. We got two kids. I've had enough sex in my life. She thinks she was like 40 at the time. She's like, I've had enough sex. And I thought to myself, something's messed up here. You've not had enough sex. And now their divorce, turns out there was an affair. And if you find yourself rationalizing away, she did.

She had to have sex with him.

Well, right, Exactly.

That's what she meant.

So what I'm saying is, if you're rationalizing the fact that, you know what, we're best friends, it's great.

I could see, I could see that, though, especially when you get. Once you got kids and you're older, 40s might be a little bit young, but if you're like 50 or 60 doing that.

Yeah.

Twilight years. You know what I mean?

Yeah. You make your own decisions together. Yeah. But I'm saying, you know, you're. Yeah. You still want to be, but it's not working finally. And you don't see a future together. Because here's the thing. What? Have you been with someone where they're just like planning trips without you? Or you close your eyes and think, God, I can't. I wouldn't want to meet my parents or I don't want kids with this person.

Yeah. I've been in relationships that lasted like six months after this thought went into my head, Emily, we were going, we were both hungry, we're gonna go get something to eat. And I'm like, that's like a 10 minute drive to that restaurant. I don't want to sit in the car with this person for 10 minutes to get to the restaurant. And I was with that person for.

Six months after that future dinner with them.

I don't see the future drive. The drive seems like just mind bogglingly numb.

Exactly. So I, Yeah, that's a future. Also, if you feel like you're planning your summer vacation but you're not thinking of them, you're. And also your future plans don't line up like, you know, you know that you want to settle down in the suburbs with five kids and your partner' like can't wait. Just wants to live in the city. Like these are all important.

People change though. People change.

Well, you know what? But you're right if you're with someone for a while. And I'm not saying again, you guys, I. I'm not like, I'm not like if something these happen, like I'm not take sex with Emily. I'm gonna do a little disclaimer here. I'm not taking responsibility for your relationship ending. If it was wrong, we will not pay for your therapy. I'm just telling you these are some things that might get the wheels turning.

Let me ask you this, Em.

Yep.

You personally, have you ever been in a relationship for. Cause I know you're monogamous. You're a serial monogamous there for a while.

I was. Yeah.

Were you ever in a relationship that you felt like it was really bad and you were. You knew inside you were done with it, but you didn't want to give up on it because you'd already been in it so long?

Yeah, a lot of reasons. I think that there was comfort. I used to joke that I. And it was actually true. But it's been a while now that I used to spend half my relationships trying to get out of him.

Get out of them. But no, you actually look. Well, I've already. I've been with him for two years now. I don't want to throw that away.

No, I never thought that.

Okay. Because I hear that a lot, especially from the ladies and gentlemen. It's. It's really not the wisest way to go about.

No, because. Right.

If you've had a bad stock and you've been losing money for two years, you don't stick with it.

Exactly. You got to know when it's time to fold them.

Yeah.

Know when to hold them.

But you've never done that. Okay, good.

No, I haven't done that. Okay, so. And here's some follow up questions, you guys, because I don't want you to be like, oh, that. Check, check, check. First, think about this. What are you afraid of if you end it?

Spiders.

Afraid of being alone. Afraid. Here's the other thing. How do you all do this? I'm never gonna find anyone else.

Yeah, right. That might be the case.

Best thing that ever happened to me. No, I don't know. I don't think that's the case for people.

I've seen some people.

Well, they're probably could use a lot of contempt.

You ever see Somebody, like on a reality show, and then you find out they have kids and you're like, oh, my God, they actually had sex with someone. Who would ever have sex with that.

I'm sorry.

That was mean.

That is mean. You might fear that, no, no one's gonna love you. You're unlovable. And then think about, like, where are these fears coming from? How real are they? Or using them just as an example. Excuse to settle for good enough. Sometimes we use these excuses. We're like, I'm just too. I don't want to deal with it. And I know a lot of people who are in relationships who eventually. And some stay together forever and some eventually get divorced, but they just. They literally, in their mind, they're like, I can't imagine being without this person because there will be no one else. But I'm telling you that that's just a fear. That is not true. Especially you want to find someone else.

I was messing around. There's always some. Yeah, there's always somebody. Now there's always somebody else at your level out there roaming the streets looking for somebody as well.

Yeah, yeah. That is not right. That's just a fearful thought. The other thing is, am I in love with this person or am I in love with the person? I wish they were. Do I think this person is going to change? If they only change, then blank. Once they stop drinking, once they lose weight, once they stop accusing me of beating me, whatever. That was morbid. But, you know, then it'll be great. Newsflash, people. People do not change unless they want to change. So do not ever date or marry on potential.

Right.

Okay.

Which happens, I think, more often than not. What I think that people get married and thinking that things are going to change.

Right? And people like to change. People like projects. They like, fix me ups. They're like, you ladies, you did as well.

Oh, I did a lot. Yeah. But I'm kind of like a chick at heart.

Like a chick also. That's. Why is this relationship bringing on the best of me? So, like, when you're in a healthy relationship, you want to feel like this is your best self. Right? You know, you. You make each other better. You build each other up. You like working towards the same goals or they support your goals. But if you feel like your relationship is bringing you down and like your partner is, like, holding you back from things that are really, really important to you, you know, constant criticism and negativity, like, how are you feeling in the relationship? You want to feel like your best self and I have to say that I was in a relationship not too long ago, like, in the last few years, where I realized, and this isn't usually. This is something that's new for me, that I felt like, God, I had some, like, insecurities coming up and things that, like, I just felt like, God, this person really isn't supporting me. And I think they were a little jealous. And it was like, God, I'm actually feeling bad. I've never felt. And it's funny because I have these four best girlfriends from college, and they came out to visit me in San Francisco and they were like, you know what, Em? I've never seen you worry about this thing. You're worried about things that are not like you. And I realized I was allowing my partner to have the same effect on me. Sometimes it's really great if you. People who know you and love you and trust you to actually listen to them.

Right. And, you know, it takes guts, too. Takes balls to like. Because what if you ended up marrying that guy? And that guy, a lot of women in your position, or men too, would turn around and be, like, pissed at the friends for, like, saying anything about it.

Right. And I'm gonna tell you, here's the other thing. I don't think that every friend knows the best. But you know who those people are.

Yeah.

Who are your good friends?

Gotta have people keep you grounded, show you what's really happening.

Exactly. And then finally, have you given it your best? Like, have you really tried? Because this can't be just, like, one thing happening. You're out. But, like, you tried therapy, you tried talking about it, and you know, when you're done. Okay. So, you know, this is not gonna apply to everybody. And if there's kids, of course there's more to consider. But I want you to. I want you to really think about these things.

Cause it's springtime.

Okay, but now that's. We got that out of the way, I just want you to just, you know, throw out some old T shirts and throw out some old relationships or stay with them, maybe. This is refreshing.

It's also the time of year that if you have a house cat, they're going to be bringing in little baby birds because it's springtime. It's very upsetting. Yeah. It's just like, my backyard is just like a wild safari.

Do you have a cat?

Yeah, I have a cat. I have a house cat, but I let her outside. She goes outside, then she brings things in. She had an alligator lizard in her mouth a couple days ago, an alligator. And she was meowing with it in her mouth, like looking at us all proud.

No.

I just scream out, kitty. No, kitty. Kitty runs. And then she drops the alligator lizard.

She's dead.

No roaming around my house.

I know that you probably take it to the vet or something.

No, I took it out front. I let it go.

Okay, we're going to take a quick break and be right back. Okay. So I would like to get into some emails.

Email time.

Thank you everybody for emailing me. Feedbackexwithelmy.com I love hearing from you.

Are there links on your site too about all the stuff that you just cited there? From Gottman?

Exactly. There are. We're gonna post all this from Gottman John Gott. And I think this is going to be really helpful for you guys just to take a look at it because I know I just ran through a lot, but I think it's really important for you to take consideration. Chances are none of these apply to you.

If you are taking the time to go to the website and look at it further to take a look at your own relationship, chances are there's a reason you're doing that. Right?

Good point.

Chances are there's something there that's bugging you.

I once heard this advice, relationship advice, and I don't think this is for everybody, but they're like, you know, my friend kept saying, God, I just don't know. I don't know. I'm not sure if we should be together for like a year. And my friend turned to her and said, if you don't know, you know.

Kind of like the orgasm adage, right? Like, I think I might have had one. If you think you had an orgasm, you didn't have one.

Exactly. You're gonna know. Okay. Emails. So I love when you include your name, where you're listening from and how you listen and your age in the email. Oh, and this email I really liked because, you know, we answer a ton of sex questions on the show, but I also like answering, of course we answer relationship as well. So this was an interesting one that hadn't gotten a while. Hey Emily, I'm a big fan of your podcast and itunes and I'm in need of some third party advice. I recently moved with my boyfriend of nearly six years. We live in San Francisco and just made the jump to the burbs. We lived in San Francisco. We got our new apartment on very short notice. But I had a previously scheduled doctor appointment in the city, so I figured I'd take advantage and sleep in the old apartment. To make it easier on myself, I pulled the sheets off the bed in the morning, knowing that we'd be back in a few days to pack the remainder of his items and clean the place. Place. We returned to the apartment a few days later and I immediately tossed the sheets in the wash, not thinking anything of it. My boyfriend apparently found this behavior highly suspicious because he's now accusing me of cheating.

Right.

He's latched onto the fact that washing those damn sheets was the first thing I did when we got there. I absolutely did not cheat on him. Trust has never been an issue for us, even though we're frequently apart. I suspect this is part of a bigger issue and he is second guessing or moving in together. But how do you get someone to address the actual issue instead of throwing out hurtful accusations? Do you think he's inventing reasons to break up? I'm really hurt by this. And I was really excited to be taking these next steps in our relationship. And I so appreciate your take on it. Thank you, Jessica. 31.

Good luck, Em. That's like nine different directions. You can go there.

Well, here's the thing, Jessica. I love this question again. Cause like I said, we don't get a lot of these issues. Not lately. I don't know why this one seems interesting to me because there's a lot going on here. Okay. You've been together six years, and that's kind of a long time. If this is your first blowup, like out of the blue about trust and jealousy. Right? Six years, things are good, and all of a sudden it's the sheets. Right? Not a great sign. But there's two possibilities I've broken it down to. But you know, of course, Anderson, I'm open to your feedback. One possibility, he is the one who's cheating or thinking about cheating like we talked about earlier. And he's projecting. And I'm sorry, but this is common. I hate to break the news to you. For one person who's actually up to no good to kind of call out their partner because they're feeling guilty either for feelings that they have about cheating or they actually have cheated. I hope this is not the case. I really hope it's not the case, Jessica. But it's worth looking into. Option two. He's kind of freaking out about taking the next step. It's kind of like how people get cold feet before they get married. And he's creating drama to hide the bigger issue that he's fearful of moving in together. So that's what you Said. You said. I'm wondering if he's trying to create an issue, and I think that's what it is. And if that is the case, you can work through that together. It's totally normal to have fear. Right? Anderson, when you were getting. Did you have cold feet? You still have cold feet? Just kidding. But wait, I mean, no.

By the time I finally. I'm a bad example, because by the time I finally. I was, like, homeless. When my wife. My now wife and I finally moved in together, I was like a rolling rock. I was just staying in a different place every night, really didn't pay rent anywhere. I was a. I was a nomad. I loved that lifestyle. It was a fantastic lifestyle. But by the time I actually moved in with her, it's like, I knew that it was.

You were ready. Okay. If you had friends who were, like, getting ready to get married, and they were like, oh, God, absolutely.

I get. I get the cold feet. I can put myself, myself in this guy's mindset. And also, in fairness to him, that is kind of a weird move. If I had any doubts about. Even though it's been six years, but if I had any doubts or I thought maybe she was cheating before this, or I had any issues, and then I saw that the sheet move. That is a weird move.

Okay, that's an interesting guy perspective. I could see that as well, but I don't think that I would if I was in a healthy, stable relationship and my partner, like, was like, I. I thought they were going back to clean everything up. Let's wash these sheets. But I can see what you're saying.

My wife washes the sheets all the time.

I do, too, like, every three days.

I don't even think twice about it. Usually it's because one of the dogs puked on it. And I don't even think twice about it.

Stanley doesn't puke.

Yeah, he does. Oh. We have three dogs in the bed. One of them almost always pukes.

But. Okay, that's a good point. So that you're right. Okay, so that could be a point. But she's telling him that she's not. Okay, I believe that she's not. So regardless of the source or what happened, you've got to have the conversation. You know, you need to sit down, tell him you love him, you're excited that you're in this relationship and that you're moving in together. But these accusations are hurtful, and they're actually untrue. And unless he's willing to work with you, the accusations and the mistrust is not going to get you anywhere.

What about asking him like point blank too? Like, are you doing this because you're freaking out about moving?

You know, ask him. Say, you know, I had, I had a hunch. And here's the other thing. You don't want to be accusatory. You want to be. Babe, I've been thinking about this. Like, I'm just wondering, like, how are you feeling about us moving in together? Is this. Could this be bringing it up and he can't just shut this down. I mean, he's got to be honest and willing to communicate. And if he wants to stay together and you know, he's like, I want to stay together, but I can't quite get my feelings out, then you might need to be. You might be a great candidate for therapy. But if he just keeps resisting and resisting and there's these roadblocks. You know what? You might now put the sheets back on the bed.

Best case scenario, though, you guys work through this.

I hope so.

End up getting married and when you're old and gray, you still have the little inside funny joke every time she walks.

Every time she. Yeah, Anderson, that's so positive. That's so glass half full. I love it. Okay, okay. Hi, Emily. I would love to get your thoughts on being sexually active with your spouse while separated. My wife and I have recently separated, but have agreed to not see other people until we figure out if we want our marriage to continue. I feel that being.

That sounds like the worst limbo ever.

I feel that being actively intimate with each other will be fun as the day to day husband and wife thing, you know, we've struggled with, won't be a factor. Thanks, Thomas.

What?

There's some. Yeah.

Wait, they're going from married to best buddies.

Here's my problem with this email is that it's. Oh, oh, I want to announce. Yeah, yeah, yeah, here's the thing. They're married. I don't know why they're separating. They're taking a little break. They're moving to separate apartments. And he's excited because I'm assuming the sex is waned and they've got issues that, wow, we can like, date again and we can relive that honeymoon phase and won't that be great? And he wants to know, is that.

Okay, that's half glass full right there.

Yeah. And she's promising. They're saying, I'm not going to sleep with other people. And you know, is it a good idea? Well, here's the thing. As Long as you guys are truly, like, working on the relationship while you're not together and you're not just, like, having sex and, like, falling in love again, this euphoric recall, remembering all the great things. I think that it's okay to have, like, physical intimacy. Like, I think that that's totally fine. Helps you reconnect. And oftentimes when you do have space from a partner, not necessarily moving out, but you take a trip away from each other, that can build the intimacy again, you can reconnect. You get the sexual desire back. Because, you know, oftentimes when you absence. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and distance and space could bring that excitement back. But however, if you're just having sex and enjoying that new honeymoon, ride that second swing at the honeymoon, but you're not working on any of those issues, and then you get back together because the sex was so good. Same old thing. It's going to be a repetition of what you happen. You're going to. It's a trap. Okay, so we all crave the newness, and it's just not sustainable over time in any relationship. I'm here to tell you, after two years or so in a relationship, it's biology. You're going to need to work on the sex. But just like, I want to make this very, very, very, very clear, if I have not just, like, trauma issues do not go away unless you work.

On them, unless they're treated.

You got to treat them in therapy. Clearly, you guys have come to a standstill where you could not work on them. So just taking physical space and not taking that space of, you know, mentally and emotionally working on it, it's not going to heal it.

Right.

Okay. Squirting.

I thought that the scoring was gonna end up being the. The sheets one.

You did.

I thought she was gonna be like, yeah. And that's why I had to wash them, because I masturbated that night without you, and I scored it all over my sheets. That's why I'm washing them.

I couldn't understand why you'd made that connection.

Yeah, I thought it would be two birds right there.

Hey, Emily. Huge fan of you and your podcast. Also, when you're on Loveline, I listen to your podcast every morning, trying to catch up.

What is Loveline?

Loveliness. It's a show that I do here on the radio. So my question is how to get my wife to be more into letting me use the magic wand on her to make her squirt. We've done it twice now, and the Second time she seemed more into it, but her biggest problem with it is she thinks she's peeing when she orgasms. I've argued with her and show her articles that say it isn't urine, but she's dead set on thinking it's full blown urine, thus not wanting me to use the wand to make her squirt. And I love seeing her do it. Is there anything you can do to help us better understand what squirting really entails? Please help us, because I know she really likes doing it, but she's afraid or embarrassed by it and thinks she's peeing. Thanks for the help and I love the show, Bob. Okay. There's been so much focus on this squirting debate. It's like more than the presidential debate.

It's so disgusting. But just have her eat some asparagus.

It is not disgusting. Here's the thing. Is it pee? Is it not pee? It's a debate. Listen, if it feels good to her and you've expressed how much turns you on, she shouldn't be worrying about if it's pee or not. Because you know, does it matter? There's too much emphasis on this goddamn fluid, Cotton. But let me tell you, you want to know what is squirting? Let me break it down.

Oh, no. You're gonna talk about the Bartholin's gland and all that. Oh, no, it's so unsexual. It makes something so great so scientificy.

Small amounts of thick fluid sometimes are elicited, secreted during the female orgasm. It happens. And women who squirt, they're simply learning to release one set of muscles while contracting the bladder so they can release a little bit of urine a little during orgasm. So when you're having sex and you have stimulation, what happens is the female ejaculate gets mixed in with the vaginal fluids and lubrication and semen and pre ejaculatory fluid and post ejaculate. So it's a whole mess of things. And I don't want to say mess. It's a cocktail of sexual excretions. And there is significant proof that the origin of fluid is the bladder. And there is some chemical composition that is urine. There's also the perurethal glands, ducts that also have some fluid in there that is not urine. Okay, so bottom line again, if she likes it and it feels good and you like it, what is the big frigging deal if it's urine or not? But if she does not want to squirt for whatever reason, you cannot pressure her and make her do it because she won't want to do it. She won't want to come around. No woman on this planet likes being pressured into a sexual act. And then it's going to lead to other things, other issues, other problems.

No, woman.

Sex is messy, people. Sex is messy, but it's also beautiful. So just get over it. I hate this debate. No, but I understand that. And also, here's another thing. Like I would say squirting is a new anal, but I need a new fucking thing for squirting. Because when I first started the show, anal was a new blow job. But squirting with porn, people see it all the time. They want to see their partner squirt. Every lot of men do. So that's the thing. I'm getting the questions. I'm answering it because I love you. Pegging is the new squirting. Maybe when a man gets anally penetrated.

Yeah, you love that so much. I see it in your eye.

I've never. Can I be honest? I'm gonna be honest to you.

You're not very sexually.

What's that?

You haven't really done much.

I've never pegged a man. I've never worn a strap on and pegged a man.

You haven't lived till you have. And I always strap on every waste of your life.

I'm so busy.

I have no time for pegging, no time for begging.

It's on my schedule. Put it on my schedule. So that's what we have time for. But this is what I want to say, Anderson, you know how y' all write me? Feedbackexwithelmy.com super easy. Now, if you go to the Ask Emily page on our site, you can easily just send it right there through the site. You just go to Ask Emily. Boom. Your email gets right sent to our inbox. Also, it's really helpful again when you subscribe, but also when you review us on itunes and you give us a few stars.

Beautiful. Makes em feel good about herself.

Yeah, but it also helps so I can keep doing the show. My goal is to do the show. I'd love to do it every day. Yeah, I used to.

I don't know why you wouldn't. You kind of do it in your head, right?

Every single day, always. Emily taking notes, doing things. It is my life and I love it. Every ten plus years. Okay, Anderson, thank you so much.

Thank you.

And thanks everyone for listening. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to sex with Emily and If you love the show, please like subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good emails. So sign up at sex with emily.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you question about sex, dating, relationships, any of it, leave a message at sex with emily.com ask and hey, was it good for you? Email me@feedbackexwithemily.com I would love to hear what you're feeling. Skincare, you sip. Sip. Here's why I'm hooked. A few months ago I started sipping Peaks Radiant Skin Duo and wow. My skin looked brighter and clearer and more hydrated. And that glow, it's just. It's unreal. And get this, I didn't change a single product on my shelf. I just added two sachets and the results showed up on my face. Sun Goddess Matcha is ceremonial grade. It's packed with antioxidants that help firm, brighten and support clear skin. And yes, it supports gut health too, which is so tied to how your skin looks, it's even quadruple toxin screened. Then there's BT Fountain. It's my daily hydration go to and it smooths fine lines, it deeply hydrates and gives you that plump skin glow with zero sugar or those weird additives which I just do not like. I drink Matcha in the morning, BT in the afternoon and it's just easy, effective and it truly works from the easy inside out. And for limited time. For Sex Without Me listeners, peak is offering 20% off the Radiant Skin Duo plus a free starter kit including a rechargeable frother and glass beaker. God, I love a frother. When you shop, visit peak life.com Dr. Emily and use code EMILY20 that's P I Q U E L I F E.com Dr. Emily and use Code EMILY20. Here's to glowing healthy skin from within.