Refresh Your Relationships, Sex Life & Pleasure!

It's Toyota Truck Month. Time for a truck that works as hard as you. Tacoma. Tundra. Built for the job and ready for the trail. Available with 4-wheel drive and connected tech. All backed by legendary Toyota reliability. Visit your local Toyota dealer for great financing and lease options available to qualified customers. Or visit buyatoyota.com to find your Truck Month deal today. That's buyatoyota.com. Toyota, let's go places.

TaxAct understands you haven't memorized the tax code. That's why TaxAct has live experts to help. TaxAct can even do it for you if you prefer. It's the easiest way to know you're doing it right. Well, other than going back to college and obtaining a bachelor's degree in accounting with a minor in finance, then interning somewhere and becoming fluent in all tax forms. But that might be hard to accomplish before tax day. So maybe just stick with Tax Act. Tax Act. Let's get them over with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. It's time to evaluate what's working and what isn't in your love life. Today, we're diving deep into the hard questions. How do you know when it's time to let go of a relationship that's no longer serving you? I'll be sharing the key warning signs that your relationship might be beyond repair, including the famous The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse from renowned relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman. We'll explore the difference between healthy conflict and destructive patterns, and I'll help you understand when fighting has crossed the line from productive to toxic. My intention is to give you the tools to honestly assess your relationship and make empowered decisions about your love life, whether that means working through challenges or knowing when it's time to move on. All right, everybody, enjoy this episode. Physical touch is my love language. Love language, but we all crave touch. We actually need touch. It's part of our psychological and emotional development. And when we don't have touch, we might experience more anxiety and depression. I know it's so hard to tell where did my anxiety come from, but there is something called skin hunger. And that is, that is a real condition. If you're like, is that real? Yes. Your skin gets hungry for touch. And when we're deprived of touch, as many of us have been, especially touch from another human, that can result in a lot of psychological problems and anxiety and all that. And I'm hearing from a lot of you that are ready to get out and start dating again because maybe you haven't been dating. And so I want to cover a lot of that in this show about how we can sort of spring clean our relationships, our sex life, our dating life. I mean, maybe you've been, you know, how do you start dating again and bring fun back into your life? Here's my prediction. So after the 1918— what was the Spanish flu? After the 1918 Spanish flu, we went into a decade, the '20s, right? The Roaring '20s, which was all about like drinking and partying. And it was a good time when you think of like the Roaring '20s. Well, I think we're heading into the Roaring '20s again. And this could be a decade of hedonism. I feel like I've been preparing for it my whole life. I feel like I've been preparing for it my whole life, but now we're all gonna be part of it. That is my prediction. You heard it here. So, but today we're gonna talk about how to get prepared for that, okay? Because people have said to me, that sounds really negative, that sounds like you're just going to be, you know, a hedonist. And it is, like anything, it's extreme. But it's a theory that pleasure, in the sense of satisfaction or desires, is the highest good and proper aim of human life. Oh, I actually agree with that. But I understand that a hedonist can come off as really selfish and they're about their own pleasure. I'm not talking about that kind of hedonism. Like individual hedonism. I'm talking about all of us realizing that we deserve pleasure. Pleasure's our birthright and that we want it for ourselves and we want it for others. So that's my official definition. So, so a lot of you are talking about dating again, right? So I'm gonna get into how we can sort of start to connect again with our dating life. And maybe you want to spring clean your relationship. You don't wanna get rid of your partner, but you wanna make sure that in this next year you connect again. Maybe you wanna change things up on your sex life. But I was thinking about this because traditionally it's about removing clutter. And I have this garage that is filled with so many things. And I started cleaning out my own garage. And there are so many things that were in it. This is what I found. I found a Christmas tree, not a live one, but like a dead Christmas tree, a massage table, workout things, love letters. I have every letter I've ever received in my entire life. For some reason, I have a lot of lamps. There was a lot of lamps. Obviously, there was tons of sex toys. I have a weird thing with my sex toys. I have gotten rid of some, but some of them I just, I still want to try. So there's piles of ones I want to try, but there's just some like my very first magic wand or my first We-Vibe, like they're in the box. I just, I love them. They're part of my history. A lot of cleaning stuff, a lot of suitcases. Apparently I need to travel, but you need different size of suitcases, right? You just do. I have, I have every size. So if you need to borrow a suitcase, I've got that. There was a lot of pillows and curtains and furniture and files, papers. I don't know, it was very cleansing. It's very healing to remove stuff that you do not need because, okay, take it literally, there is now more space. I can walk through there. I can walk through my garage. Think about if you clear out all the clutter in your life, the people, the relationships, um, things that just don't serve you. You are literally making— quite literally making space for new stuff to come in. Like if you sent me another sex toy before I was cleaning out my garage, there was no room in my garage, but now I have space. I know what I have. It's just so, it's so freeing and it can be really settling. It's good for your nervous system to get rid of what doesn't serve you. So, oh, the other thing I wanna say about spring cleaning. So I said this on the Pleasure Planning Show. We talked about our new Pleasure Planner. Which we have a Pleasure Planner and you should go to our website and download it. But the Pleasure Planner is all about prioritizing pleasure in the next year, whether you're in a relationship or you're with yourself. And it's an exercise, it's a guide, it's a free guide that you download and you look at all the ways, like what is, what makes you happy? And I'm not just talking about sex. Maybe it's seeing your friends, maybe it's gardening, maybe it's going for a walk. And you look at all the ways that you experience pleasure. And then we give you a roadmap to figure out how to plug that into your life in the new year. And of course there are, sex things too to plug in. So if you're in a relationship, you can do it month by month. Like, we just did the yes, no, maybe list, and now we're going to try a night of massage. We're going to have a threesome, you know, all the things. Because I believe that if you don't— you fail to plan— what is it? If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Essentially, you do. Think about it. If you don't plan, if you don't know where you're going, you're just going to keep kind of swerving around. And oh look, a puppy! But when you plan, like, I want my year to look like ABCD. I want my year to be— because I know when I do the things that give me pleasure, I have a much better year, a much better time, a much better week. So I have to like schedule those things in. So anyway, you could check that out. But something I mentioned on that show was that I have so many sexy, sexy lingerie and like costumes and things that I love wearing, and for whatever reason, it was all in this little drawer I don't have a ton of drawer space in my house, but for some reason my belt drawer, which I never wear belts, was at a massive drawer. So since I stated it, 'cause today we're also gonna talk about stating your intentions for the year and manifesting, that's how you get rid of stuff and how you figure out what you want. I said it to you on the show, I made the promise that I was gonna prioritize my sexy things, my lingerie. I actually did it last weekend. Move the belts, don't wear those. And I brought out all my things and I organized it until like I got rid of stuff. I tried everything on, I got rid of what didn't work. And now I know like this is what's going to make me feel sexy. It's like garters and bras and little costumes and fun little sparkly headbands. And I guess headbands for sex, but my headbands are sexy anyway for me. Again, we get to decide, we all get to decide what is sexy. For me, it's this, oh, it's a sparkly headband, but it goes with this halter top that's like a sequin butterfly that just, it's very cool. It's from Burning Man. Anyway, I did all of that. It felt good. So when you're thinking about your relationship, like if you think about this time about being a time to refresh and renew and reevaluate everything in your life, it's important because we're releasing, we release our old thoughts, cuts people that no longer serve you. You make space, you gain clarity. Like, what are my values? What's important to me? You know, if, if your relationship— if sex and intimacy is important in your relationship, it's time to prioritize it, you know? So let's start with relationships in your life. Let's start. How would we clean those out? So think about your toxic partners or your toxic friends. And if you're like, Emily, how do I know if I— if someone's toxic? So here's how you know. You feel worse when you're with them. They make you feel bad. They don't celebrate you. Every time after you leave them, you're like, did she really mean that? Did he really tell me that I'll never, you know, that my idea was bad? Or he didn't, you know, compliment me, or she made me, you know, made me feel worse. If you're constantly with people or friends that just make you feel bad, it's probably pretty toxic because the people that you wanna be with, they see the higher version of yourself. Want you to be your best self. They want you to win. They're on your side. So that's a sign. The other thing is an energy drain. The people that you leave and you're like, I gotta gear up for this lunch with this friend. Or every time I go out with this person, I feel, you know, even if you have sex with someone and you go home, maybe you're just seeing someone casually, you're like, ah, it's just, do they still like me? Was I bad in bed? Did they think I— it's all those doubts, all those things. That's how you know that people suck the life out of you. Like, okay, so I was thinking about this when I first started Sex with Emily. I was dating a guy at the time who was like, this is a terrible idea. Like, why would anyone want you to talk about sex? I mean, they're gonna think that you're super slutty, or, or you worked in politics. Like, why is anyone gonna believe you? And he constantly made me feel bad about my choices. And so I just want to be with someone who gives me freedom, and they make me feel good, and they're not jealous of my friends, and they don't try to like suffocate me. If you're in a relationship that feels suffocating, And they gaslight you, which is a manipulative behavior that everything is an argument, and they make you feel insane. Toxic, you know. And I think also, like, how to know if a relationship is over— if you're constantly fighting, you can't agree what the problems are anymore, you're always justifying staying in the relationship, and you feel like you can't even tell your friends and lovers, your friends and family, that you're still with this person. Maybe you feel like you're a different person around them. And if you know it's over, you're doing a service to your partner by letting them know, um, as soon as you know that it's not going to work. So just remember to break up with integrity and kindness and have honest conversations about how you're going to dissolve the relationship. And just, again, just try to do it with integrity and without gossiping and name-calling and all those things. Hedonism is the ethical theory that pleasure is the highest good. And so I guess I do agree with that, but, but people think that hedonism is all about your ego and individual pleasure, and I'm going to feel good at all costs. But I believe that we're heading into place where hedonism is, is more about our pleasure and respecting the pleasure of others and trying to have them experience more pleasure in our life. Because God knows we haven't had it. In fact, my theory, 1918 was the Spanish flu, and after the Spanish flu, we went into the Roaring Twenties, right? It was like debauchery and drinking, and it was just the flappers and the whole thing. Well, I think we are there again after COVID, after COVID-19, after the COVID virus, and we've all been in lockdown. We are now in the '20s, and I think I think it's gonna be a decade of hedonism and pleasure and self-love and realizing that when we don't have those things, because we are essentially deprived of it the last year, which we've never ever been in this position before, where we couldn't do the things that we wanted to do. We couldn't go out and see our friends. We couldn't go hug them. We couldn't even go to the beach for a few months. You couldn't go outside. The hiking trails were closed. I mean, we could go to restaurants, you could go to movies. Like those are pleasurable things. So as a result, correct for that, heading into a decade of realizing that we have to prioritize our pleasure and that it is our birthright. So who's going to join me? And we'll do it in moderation. I'm not saying we're all going to go off the rails, because I'm not saying that. I'm just saying let's prioritize our pleasure. And, um, I'm here with Anderson, my darling Anderson. It's been a while.

It's been a long time.

I know I did a little vacation What are you doing?

Why are you out there cheating?

I know, I'm sorry. I'm not really cheating, but I was with my mom on vacation.

Was that fun?

You know what, I gotta say, it was, um, I haven't had a vacation, um, since the early 2000s, and, uh, it was really nice just to get away with my mom and to, you know, I love my mom, super chill, so she's not like, ma, like all over my—

she was on the show, she was in here. I like her.

Yeah, you guys check out the show with my mom, that was a really popular show.

Did your stepdad go too? No. Girls weekend.

I've had girls weekend. We went to Cabo and it was fun. I really just needed to relax. And my mom has way more energy than I do. And she was like, let's go sightseeing. I'm like, nope, I'm just sitting by the pool.

I would guess that it was the other way around.

Exactly.

No, I mean you, Em. Mm-hmm.

Exactly. My mom is totally—

I would guess your mom being going, can I just please relax by the pool, honey? And you're like, no, we have to go see this. We have to do that. We have to do this. And I heard there's a sex lecture.

I used to be like that. Yeah. And I have to say that since I haven't had a vacation in so long, I really needed the distance and the perspective to just step And do nothing. I'm like, no, I'm not going shopping, not doing this. And she was cool. And then she chilled out, which was good for her. And I had a lot of breakthroughs.

It takes experience. It's hard to do a good vacation. Cuz most of the time if I go on vacation, I might come back exhausted and you don't wanna do that. You want, you wanna have a nice, you wanna experience new stuff and see new stuff for sure. But you gotta find a balance and you gotta come back relaxed. I don't, I can't, most every single vacation I go on, I come back and I'm like, yeah, work. I'm so tired though from running around on my vacation.

Yeah. See, I did not run around and I was there. I was healthy. I meditated every day. I ran, I, you know, took care of myself.

Hippie dippy.

I'm a hippie, what can I say? And so that was fun. And then also, I just want to mention that we've had some really good show— you guys, first of all, our show was, God, number 6 on iTunes, which is amazing. But there's been some really popular shows. We just posted out the 5 bedroom mistakes you might be making. You might love that episode. And then what women really want in bed with the Lady Gang. So check out that podcast. That was fun too. And, um, spring— it's spring. Spring has sprung.

Spring.

Do you know what happens in the spring, Anderson?

Yeah, flowers bloom and like little birdies hatch and bears come out of retirement or hibernation.

Exactly.

Yeah.

That's what happens. And it's a time for renewal, rebirth.

Right.

Cleaning out your closet. Do you do that kind of thing?

No.

Okay. Out with the old and with the new.

You know why I am? Why? I live in California and it's always like spring/summer out here.

That's true.

I don't really notice that seasons pass or come.

No, it is true. My mom's in Michigan. She goes, I'm so excited. When I get home, I can buy winter clothes. Winter clothes in the basement and I can bring out my clothes.

Yeah, you know, I, I have to do things like I have a number of calendars around my house so that something changes, you know. So I know it's true, every time a new season officially comes on board, you know what I do? I got a new collar for Stan. He has 4— he has 4—

I was gonna ask you—

separate collars. He's got a spring— this is ridiculous, but sure— his spring collar.

It's—

he's got a winter collar, he's got his fall, and, uh, and what's the other one?

I almost bought him a collar, um, in Mexico. But I didn't know if you found out that it was for me.

Yeah, 'cause you already have the store.

Well, I didn't know.

Black is for winter.

I'm glad I didn't.

Green is for spring. Yellow's summer.

You'd be offended if he didn't wear it.

Red is for fall.

Stanley's a dog. Check out my Instagram if you wanna see pictures or my Facebook.

Yes.

Yeah. You know what's funny though? Every time I get it, so when you call Lyft, do you use like Uber?

Yeah, it's a little pink mustache.

Right. When you call Lyft for a ride, do you know that it's connected to your Facebook?

Right.

And the picture they see that pops up, I would get in their car and it's me. And you know, my Facebook profile is me and Stanley.

Oh, it is? I didn't know that.

Yeah. So it's really funny because I'm always like, oh, they're like, oh, you have a cute dog. So every time I get a Lyft, they're like, what kind of dog is that? And I'm like, it's not really my dog.

Oh, you could lie.

I lie.

So you're, I have a feeling I know where you're going. You're talking about maybe cleaning out the bad relationship in your life.

Exactly. We get rid of possessions and maybe the people who aren't really serving you that well.

Like orally?

Yeah, if they're not giving you oral sex, that's one of the points.

Out.

It's time to freshen everything up. Okay? That's what we're doing here in spring. And there's actually this book that's been crazy bestseller. It's this Japanese book about decluttering. It's about, it's a Japanese organization book. And it's, I think I'm having to find the name of it. No, no, no, no, no. It's better than that.

Ironically, most people who bought that book, it's probably part of their clutter now.

No, here's the thing.

The book is actually clutter.

You see what I'm saying? What you don't know about me.

That's true irony right there.

Uh, can I tell you what— what can I tell you? I'm looking it up. Yeah, keep talking.

You have a hard time doing two things at once.

So, uh, okay, it's called— it's Marie Kondo wrote a book, um, about Japanese organizing. The lot, uh, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. Sounds silly, there's a million books on organizing, but this book— so I'm obsessed with organizing. I don't think you know this about me because I'm actually not organized. Have you noticed?

Yes, I've noticed. Like, I'll—

like, when I want to relax and chill out or I feel like I need to like de-stress, I like in Target, and I'm like, oh, if I could just buy that, those organizers for my files, then everything will be okay.

But then you just walk right by the aisle.

No, I buy tons of organizers.

They become clutter.

Clutter.

Yeah, you see the irony. You see the irony, dude.

There's so much irony in my life. But anyway, this is, this is her trick in the book, which is why it actually works, because I've, I got, I actually read the book, and her thing is she wants you to, you know, separate everything into piles. Like, these are my t-shirts, these are all my clothes, these are all my books. And then you have to hold everything in your hand for a second and say, does this bring me joy? And if it doesn't, you toss it.

What if it brings you joy right in that moment? Mm-hmm. 'Cause you forgot you even had it.

No.

'Cause I, I have this issue. My wife's always on me about it.

Oh, we all rationalize and stuff. But if you really think about it, you're like, oh, it's kind of broken. Or like, my dad gave it to me as a gift, so I gotta save it. But you know what? You gotta think they gave it to you as a gift at that moment to make you happy. They don't care if you hang onto the t-shirt from Florida, you know?

Yeah. I got like a guilt thing going. Like my mom used to pack my lunch when I was in grade school and like, I didn't like the American cheese, but I'd eat it 'cause I I picture her putting it on my sandwich and I'd feel bad that she went through the effort. You know what I mean? So I eat it anyways.

Yeah. That kind of thing. So it says getting rid of stuff. So, you know, we all go through phases in relationships and couples experience like up and down, up and downs. But there is a point in a relationship where you have to ask yourself some questions. And if you've been kind of thinking, I'm not sure if this is working for me, we've been fighting for a while. Um, I'm not sure this is the person. I'm gonna give you some things to think about. We're gonna walk this through here. I was talking about this book. Book to my friend, and she was saying that, you know, and I've read a lot of these different things, they're like, you know, if you want to find a partner, you have to make room. Like, if you're single, which you are not single, but make room in your home so you can welcome that person in. Like, have two nightstands with two lamps and make sure there's space. And you're— and I thought about it. And so I live in a very tiny cottage, and one of the problems with my bedroom is that you actually can't— I have no closet, so it's all hanging rack. You can't actually get to the other side of the bed. And my ex who I broke up with a few months ago, he was like, I can't get— it was so hard for him to get into my room and he didn't like sleeping there. Not because of that, he liked my house, but it was like that. And I'm like, oh my God, I was not welcoming you into my home.

And you might be doing it subconsciously too.

Maybe I was like, I don't want you in my bed. Um, but anyway, that's just a whole nother story. But here's some signs that it might be time to let go. And again, you guys, let me just tell you something. This is not a Cosmo survey, Cosmopolitan. You're not gonna like check, check, check, break up. Like, I have no formula here, but these are just— I want you to start thinking about these. Where does this list from? My brain.

Your brain. Yeah, from the mind of Em. Let's do this. I'm excited.

Okay, ready?

Yeah.

Number 1, if there's abuse, whether it's emotional or physical— now that seems obvious. You often don't know if you're in an unhealthy situation because obviously you're not like, I like to be abused. And so, you know, this feels really, really good, and this is a deal breaker. But again, when you're in it, you don't know that you're in that cycle of abuse.

You're absolutely right. I've talked to a number of girls in my life, Em, and it's, it's shocking, uh, how many of them will say without, you know, even the without any kind of, uh, vein of irony or anything, that about how they are abused in the relationship. And but they don't speak about it as though it's abuse. Okay, then he starts calling me fat and he's yelling at me, and it's like they're bitching about it, but they don't realize this is hard for abuse.

And that's why you need to go, right? And that's why you need to be able to have friends or people you trust and reflect on. So here's a cycle of abuse. Do you know the cycle of abuse? If you want to Google this, there's a great, um, it's, you know, I learned this in psychology, but there is a cycle. There's like, you know, if you Google it, go to Google Images, you'll see. But it's It's number one, the tensions build. So, you know, tensions increase, there's a breakdown in communication, you feel like the victim, fearful, that kind of thing. It's building.

Right, walking on eggshells.

Yeah, exactly. Then there's an incident, something can happen. Verbally they assault you or emotionally or physically, anger. Then there's the reconciliation. You make up, it feels really good. You feel like you're getting closer. There's apologies, you give excuses. You deny that it even happened. And then there's a calm after that. And you think, oh, you know, this is the fourth stage of it. Um, it's forgotten. There really was no abuse. And you get in that honeymoon phase and you're like, wow, we're healing. We're moving. And then the tension starts building. So it's a loop. Tensions build, incident, reconciliation, calm.

Can I just, what do you say to this? There, every good healthy relationship does have a cycle where fights do come. If you show me a couple that never gets in any fights for years, That's an unhealthy couple that don't really pay attention to each other. They live separate lives.

But I'm talking about abusive tension building. Yes, I'm talking about verbal abuse, and we're gonna label it. I'm gonna let you know here some signs that you are. Don't worry, we're getting into this. So if you notice this cycle, might be time to end the relationship. It's never good. And let me tell you also, if you are in an abusive relationship and you get out of one, that's a great time to learn from the relationship and to do some work on yourself.

Reevaluate your choices. Don't keep repeating the cycle.

Number 2, the fighting gets mean and it starts happening more frequently. So like you just said, Anderson, couples, they fight.

Yeah.

If you never fight, oh, we're so happy. That's also—

you're going to have disagreements.

But we're talking about it gets mean. And that's a huge thing. Well, it gets mean.

It's mean. That's such a—

yeah. And happening more. It happens more and more. Now, John Gottman, he's one of my favorite researchers. Have you heard of Gottman? Gottman Institute. So Gottman, Gottman, he did these amazing studies and he did these studies over years and years and he watched couples and he was able to identify predictors of either a failed or terminally happy, unhappy relationship. He studied couples over a few years period and now it gets to a point where he could look at them for 5 minutes and he can tell if a few things happen that it's not gonna last. So let me tell you what these are.

I would think that some of these couples had issues because they're like, I really don't like that there's a dude named Dr. Gottman over my shoulder constantly watching us.

Well, no, exactly. That was another issue. No, but I'm telling you, you're gonna hear these and you're gonna know it. Actually, it's called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Wow. You look it up.

Tell me, tell me more.

Okay. Number one, criticism versus complaints. So a complaint, specific situation, right? Like your partner failed, you know, you in some way and you're like, hey, you know, um, you know what, it kind of attacks their, so that's criticism. And then there's complaints. So let me complain. Throw it out.

Tell me the difference between the two. Okay. Right.

Here's a complaint. Anderson.

Yeah.

Okay. We're married.

Okay.

God, there's no gas in the car again. I'm really aggravated you didn't fill it and you said you would. And I'm really disappointed. Is that a complaint? Here's a criticism. You never remember anything, Anderson. I told you to fill up the gas. You can't be counted on and you're a loser and everything you do is like, I'm never trusting you again.

Yeah.

Okay?

Yeah, you're attacking my moral fiber.

Exactly.

That's who I am.

So couples who are more critical than they are complaining is a problem.

So critical is that you're—

That's the first one.

And you're attacking who they are rather than what they do. Exactly. A complaint is about what they did.

Specific. You're like, you don't make it into this global, you always forget things. You're like, you know what, this one incident you said you felt the gas, I was late for work. That bummed me out. Number 2, under the 4 signs that your relationship is probably in trouble. Contempt. This is a huge one. Contempt. Now you know what contempt is. It's when your behaviors, it communicates disgust. It's like, I'm, yeah, just saying, like it's not, it's like, it's, Contempt includes things like criticism, sneering, sarcasm, name-calling, like, "You're an asshole." You roll your eyes, you mock them, you make fun of them. That's contempt. And it's hostile.

It's the way you treat someone you really don't like.

Disdain. Yeah, you're rolling your eyes. It's disrespectful.

It's beyond resentment.

Exactly. It's disrespect.

This is how I treat coworkers that I have to work with? With, but I don't want to like have a relationship with them, but I have to interact with them, right?

It's contempt.

And I give them—

put this on the website because I'm going to give you— I'm dishing out a lot here, but this is all like— I believe that Gottman is probably one of the greatest researchers on relationships, so I'm glad we're talking about this. Okay, so then there's defensiveness. This is just like the problem— it's not me, it's you. We all know what being defensive is, but this is like your partner's always defensive. They never take responsibility, um, for their own behavior, and they point to something you did and they complain about you. You're like, listen, honey, I'm really upset you said that there was Hey, you know, you were gonna bring home dinner tonight and I'm really hungry. They're like, well, you never do this. And you know, they never can take it in. They can never take feedback. Um, they always point it right back at you.

Can I just say too though about that? Um, a lot of people, that's like a personality disorder and they're like that across the board with everybody in their life.

Right.

You know what I mean? But there are those people that are gonna be defensive, whether they're like married to you or they're, you're their child or you work with them.

But that's really, really difficult. That's awful. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. You're never gonna get anywhere because you're, you understand that this is when the breakdown, I always say like, you gotta communicate. And this is when, I'm not saying again, you can end it. These are signs that you could work on it. You could say, you know what? My partner is displaying some of these. And this is when you go to therapy and you say, you know what? These are the issues. And then oftentimes when couples therapy works, that's when you learn the tools to, they give you tools actually in therapy. And then you go home and you practice. You're like, you know, when you say this in that tone, it really upsets me. And then you learn in therapy that you have a sign that was that tone again. And you learn to kind of change behavior. Some couples are not able to reconcile that. And then also the frequency of fighting, the fighting, like I said at the beginning, more and more fighting. You can't agree on the smallest, smallest things.

That's beyond repair at that point, right?

Beyond repair. Okay. Number 3. Now this is number 3 of the big signs. That was just part number 2. There's no trust. Any foundation or iota you had of trust is just completely gone.

Right.

Maybe someone cheated, you know, um, it could be from past relationships too. It could be childhood trauma. You're always accusing your partner of cheating. Um, and you just cannot build the trust. And you— it doesn't matter. There's insecurity, there's jealousy. And this, as you know, if you've been in a relationship like this, both parties will suffer. The problem with trust is people think that, well, I keep reassuring my partner, I keep telling them, you know, you know, I'm not cheating, or if I cheated once, you know, I won't do it again. That's— this is another case where most— in most scenarios, couples on their own cannot rebuild trust without the help of a third party. And that is a therapist because there's so much broken down and already. And the problem is if there is an indiscretion, like let's say that gets founded on, you know, someone did cheat, for example, oftentimes the person who was the cheater doesn't wanna talk about it.

Right.

It's like, it's done, it's over, let's move on.

It's shameful.

And they, the problem is, is that the person who was cheated on, they don't get— they need closure. They need to hear— sometimes they need to hear every detail, and you need to be patient with them. And whatever the case may be, these couples can't get past it when the relationship's been damaged that bad.

It's like the equivalent of having a broken leg that you need to go to the doctor and get it reset. You need to go to a therapist and get your relationship reset if it has any hopes of ever being healthy again.

Now, early on when this happens, if you notice it in your— you're in a relationship where, you know, there's a lot of times I've been in relationships for like 2 weeks where we hit all these milestones, right? Yeah. And how'd they go?

Sex is awesome. But then, right. Yeah. Everything else is still—

we always hear from people who are like, my partner's really jealous. It's not working out. Guess what? That's not going to go away. And it probably doesn't have anything to do with you.

And the jealous partners are usually cheating. That's why they're jealous.

Well, that's interesting. That's true. A lot of times your partner could be projecting. And early on, if you catch this, you can work it through with therapy and try to rebuild it. But sometimes point of no return, you know, if you've given it your best you're not going to be able to rebuild the trust. Game over.

And sometimes it's not worth it unless you got like kids or, you know, or it's the first time you've ever been able to find somebody that you could work with. Exactly. But a lot of times it's just like, get out, get out.

Yeah. Because you're not— if you're not working on the trust, it's not just going to magically go away.

Right.

Okay. Number 4, there's no sex in the relationship, but that we all know sex waxes and wanes in relationships. Ebbs and flows, waxes and wanes. But this is when you've tried, like you've actually made an effort, you've tried to talk about it, you tried to work on it, and it just dies out. And this is not about sex drive and libido and you just had kids. Sometimes you just, you just don't wanna have sex with your partner anymore.

Become a roommate.

Yep. You become roommates. You're not interested. You find that you're really attracted to other people. You're making lots of excuses not to get intimate with your partner. And like I've always said, if you're just, if you're not having sex with your partner, it's gone on too long, you are roommates. Roommates, and you're not lovers, right?

Okay, but you're comfortable, and you can't imagine your world without that person, especially if you share a space a lot of time. You're— you— people don't like change, and you're gonna have to make a massive change and have a different living space and have a different roommate, or maybe no roommate, and that's scary, right? But you only have one life as far as we know.

Exactly.

Can't be wasting it.

And I've told a story, actually. I have a friend, um, years ago, a few years ago. She's older than me, but she was married when I started my show, of course. So I talk about sex with everybody, and she was like, you you know what, they'd been together like 15 years at the time. A woman I work with, she says, Emily, I don't care about sex. He's a great dad. We got 2 kids. I've had enough sex in my life. She thinks she was like 40 at the time. She's like, I've had enough sex. And I thought to myself, something's messed up here. You've not had enough sex. And now they're divorced. Turns out there was an affair. And if you find yourself rationalizing away— she, her, yeah, she did.

She had to have sex with him.

Well, right. So what I'm saying is, if you're rationalizing the fact that, you know what, we're best friends, it's I could see, I could see that though, especially when you get—

once you got kids and you're older. 40s might be a little bit young, but if you're like 50 or 60, you're doing that. Yeah, twilight years, you know what I mean?

Yeah, you make your own decisions.

We like going on cruises together.

Yeah, but I'm saying, you know, you're— yeah, you still want to be, but it's not working. Um, finally, and you don't see a future together because here's the thing. What, have you been with someone where they're just like planning trips without you, or you close your eyes and think, God, I can't— I wouldn't want to meet my parents, or I don't want kids with this person?

Yeah, I've been in relationships that lasted like 6 months after this thought went into my 'Hey, Emily, we were both hungry, we were gonna go get something to eat,' and I'm like, 'Ah, that's like a 10-minute drive to that restaurant. I don't wanna sit in the car with this person for 10 minutes to get to the restaurant.' And I was with that person for 6 months after that.

You don't even see the future dinner with them.

I don't even see the future drive. The drive seems like just mind-bogglingly numb.

Exactly. So I, yeah, that's a future. Also, if you feel like you're planning your summer vacation but you're not thinking of them, you're, and also your future plans don't line up. Like, you know, you know that you wanna settle down in the suburbs with 5 kids and your partner's like, He's like, can't wait, just wants to live in the city. Like these are all important things.

People change though. People change.

Well, you know what?

But you're right.

If you're with someone for a while, and I'm not saying, again, you guys, I'm not like paying, I'm not like if something does happen, like I'm not, take sex with Emily, I'm gonna do a little disclaimer here. I'm not taking responsibility for your relationship ending. If it was wrong, we will not pay for your therapy. I'm just telling you these are some things that might get the wheels turning.

Let me ask you this, Em.

Yep.

You personally, have you ever been in a relationship for, 'cause I know you're monogamous, you're a serial monogamous there for a while. Yeah. Were you ever in a relationship that you felt like it was really bad and you were, you knew inside you were done with it, but you didn't want to give up on it because you'd already been in it so long? Yeah.

A lot of reasons. I think that there was comfort. I used to joke that I, I, and it was actually true, but it's been a while now that I used to spend half my relationships trying to get out of 'em.

Get out of 'em. But no, I'm like, like you actually look, well, I've already, I've been with him for 2 years now. I don't wanna throw that away.

No, I never thought that.

Okay. Cuz I hear that a lot from, especially from the ladies. And it's really not the wisest way to go about something.

No, because, right.

It's like if you've had a bad stock and you've been losing money for 2 years, you don't stick with it.

Exactly. You gotta know when it's time to fold 'em.

Yeah.

Know when to hold 'em.

But you've never done that. Okay, good.

No, I haven't done that. Okay, so, and here's some follow-up questions, you guys, 'cause I don't wanna just be like, oh, that, check, check, check. First, think about this. What are you afraid of if you end it?

Spiders.

Afraid of being alone? Oh. Afraid that, here's the other thing. How many people do this? I'm never gonna find anyone else. Yeah, right.

That might be the case.

Best thing that ever happened to me. No, I don't know. I don't think that's the case for people.

I've seen some people.

Well, they probably could use a lot of contempt.

You ever see somebody like on a reality show and then you find out they have kids and you're like, oh my God, they actually had sex with someone? Who would ever have sex with that? Yeah, no, that was mean.

That is mean. Um, you might fear that no one's gonna love you, you're unlovable. And then think about like, where are these fears coming from? How real are they? Or are you using them just an excuse to settle for good enough. Sometimes we use these excuses. We're like, I'm just too— I don't want to deal with it. And I know a lot of people who are in relationships who eventually— and some stay together forever and some eventually get divorced, but they just, they literally in their mind, they're like, I can't imagine being without this person because there will be no one else. But I'm telling you that that's just a fear that is not true. Especially you want to find someone else.

Yeah, there's always somebody. Now there's always somebody else at your level out there roaming the streets looking for somebody as well.

Yeah, that is not right. That's just a fearful thought. The other thing is, am I in love with this person or am I in love with the person I wish they were? Do I think this person is going to change? If they only change, then blank. Once they stop drinking, once they lose weight, once they stop accusing me of beating me, whatever. That was morbid, but you know, then it'll be great. Newsflash, people. People do not change unless they want to change. So do not ever date or marry on potential, right? Okay.

Which happens, I think, more often than not.

What?

I think that people get married and thinking that things are going to change.

Right. And people like to change. People like projects. They like fix-me-ups. They're like, you ladies, you did as well.

Oh, I did a lot.

Yeah.

But I'm kind of like a chick at heart.

You are like a chick. Um, also the last one is, is this relationship bringing out the best of me? So like when you're in a healthy relationship, you wanna feel like this is your best self.

Right.

You know, you, you make each other better. You build each other up. You like working towards the same goals or they support your goals. But if you feel like your relationship is bringing you down and like your partner's like holding you back from things that are really, really important to you, um, you know, constant criticism and negativity, like how are you feeling in the relationship? You wanna feel like your best self. Um, and I have to say that I was in a relationship not too long ago, like in the last few years where I realized, and this isn't usually, this is something that's new for me, that I felt like, God, I had some insecurities coming up and things that I just felt like, God, this person really isn't supporting me. And I think they were a little jealous and it was like, God, I'm actually feeling bad. I've never felt— and it's funny because I have these 4 best girlfriends from college and they came out to visit me in San Francisco and they were like, you know what, Em? And I've never seen you worry about this thing. Like you're worried about things that are not like you. And I realized it was, I was allowing my partner to have this effect on me. And sometimes it's really great. If you people who know you and love you and trust you to actually listen to them.

Right.

And you don't know.

It takes guts too. It takes balls to like, 'cause what if you ended up marrying that guy and that guy, a lot of women in your position or men too would turn around and be like pissed at the friends for like saying anything about it.

Right. And I'm gonna tell you, here's the other thing. I don't think that every friend knows the best, but you know who those people are.

Yeah.

Who are your good friends?

Help you out. You gotta have people who keep you grounded.

Exactly.

Show you what's really happening.

Exactly. And then finally, have you given it your best? Like, have you really tried? 'Cause this can't be just like one thing happened and you're out. Like you tried therapy, you tried talking about it, and you know when you're done. Okay, so, um, you know, this is not gonna apply to everybody, and if there's kids, of course there's more to consider. But I want you to, uh, I want you to really think about these things because it's springtime. Okay, but now that's— so we got that out of the way. So I just, you know, throw out some old t-shirts and throw out some old relationships, or stay with them. Maybe this is refreshing.

It's also the time of year that if you have a house cat, they're going to be bringing in little baby birds. Birds because it's springtime. It's very upsetting. Yeah, it's just like my backyard is just like a wild safari. Yeah, I have a cat. I have a house cat, but I let her outside. She goes outside, then she brings things in. She had an alligator lizard in her mouth a couple days ago.

An alligator?

And she was meowing with it in her mouth, like looking at us all proud.

Did you take pictures?

No, I just screamed, "Kitty, no! Kitty!" Kitty runs, and then she drops the alligator lizard.

It's dead?

No, it's roaming around my house.

I know, you probably take it to the vet or something.

No, I took it out front. I let it go.

Okay, we're going to take a quick break and be right back. Okay, so, um, I would like to, um, get into some emails.

Email time.

Thank you everybody for emailing me feedback@sexwithemily.com. I love hearing from you.

Are there links on your site too about all the stuff that you just cited?

Exactly, there are. We're going to post all this from Gottman, um, John Gottman, and I think this is going to be really helpful for you guys just to take a look at it because I know I just ran through a lot, but, um, I think it's really important for you to take them into consideration.

Chances are none of these apply to you if you are taking the time to go to the website and look at it further, uh, to take a look at your own relationship. Chances are there's a reason you're doing that, right? Good chance. There's something there that's bugging you.

I once heard this advice, relationship advice, and I don't think this is for everybody, but they're like, you know, my friend kept saying, God, I just don't know. I don't know. I'm not sure if we should be together for like a year. And My friend turned to her and said, if you don't know, right, you know, kind of like the orgasm adage, right?

Like, I think I might have had one. If you think you had an orgasm, you didn't have exactly.

Yeah, I know. Okay, emails. So I love when you include your name, where you're listening from, and how you listen and your age in the email. Oh, and this email I really liked. Because, you know, we answer a ton of sex questions on the show. But I also like answering— of course, we answer relationship as well. So this was an interesting that we hadn't gotten in a while. Hey Emily, I'm a big fan of your podcast on iTunes and I'm in need of some third-party advice. I recently moved with my boyfriend of nearly 6 years. We live in San Francisco and just made the jump to the 'burbs. We lived in San Francisco. We got our new apartment on very short notice, but I had a previously scheduled doctor appointment in the city, so I figured I'd take advantage and sleep in the old apartment to make it easier on myself. I pulled the sheets off the bed in the morning knowing that we'd be back in a few days to pack the remainder of his items and clean the place. We returned to the apartment a few days later, and I immediately tossed the sheets in the wash, not thinking anything of it. My boyfriend apparently found this behavior highly suspicious because he's now accusing me of cheating, right? He's latched on to the fact that washing those damn sheets was the first thing I did when we got there. I absolutely did not cheat on Trust has never been an issue for us, even though we're frequently apart. I suspect this is part of a bigger issue and he is second-guessing our moving in together. But how do you get someone to address the actual issue instead of throwing out hurtful accusations? Do you think he's inventing reasons to break up? I'm really hurt by this, and I was really excited to be taking these next steps in our relationship, and I'd so appreciate your take on it. Thank you, Jessica 31.

Good luck, Em. That's like 9 different directions you can go there.

Well, yeah, here's the thing, Jessica. I love this question again because like I said, we don't get a lot of these issues, not at least not lately. I don't know why this one seems like interesting to me because there's a lot going on here. Okay, you've been together 6 years and that's kind of a long time if this is your first blowup like out of the blue about trust and jealousy, right? Yeah, 6 years, things are good, and all of a sudden it's the sheets, Right? Not a great sign, but there's two possibilities I've broken it down to. But you know, of course, Anderson, I'm open to your feedback. One possibility, he is the one who's cheating or thinking about cheating, like we talked about earlier, and he's projecting. And I'm sorry, but this, this is common. I hate to break the news to you. For one person who's actually up to no good to kind of call out their partner, cuz they're feeling guilty either for feelings that they have about cheating or they actually have cheated. I hope this is not the case. I really hope it's not the case, Jessica, but it's worth looking into. Option 2, he's kind of freaking out about taking the next step. It's kind of like how people get cold feet before they get married. And he's creating drama to hide the bigger issue that he's fearful of moving in together. So that's what you said. You said, I'm wondering if he's trying to create an issue. And I think that's what it is. And if that is the case, you can work through that together. It's totally normal to have fear, right? I understand when you were getting, did you have cold feet You still have cold feet? Just kidding. But I'm, wait, I mean, was it—

No, by the time I finally, I'm a bad example cuz by the time I finally, I was like homeless when I, my wife and my now wife and I finally moved in together. I was like a rolling rock. I was just staying in a different place every night.

Really?

Didn't pay rent anywhere. I was a, I was a, I was a nomad. It was, it was, I loved that lifestyle. It was a fantastic lifestyle. But by the time I actually moved in with her, it was like, I knew that it was gonna be—

You were ready. Okay. But you, Jeff, you had friends who were like getting ready to get married and they were like, oh God, absolutely.

I get the, I get the cold feet. I can put myself in this this guy's mindset. And also, in fairness to him, that is kind of a weird move. If I had any doubts about— even though it's been 6 years— but if I had any doubts, or I thought maybe she was cheating before this, or I had any issues, and then I saw that the sheet move— that is a weird move.

Okay, that's an interesting guy perspective. I could see that as well. But I don't think that I would— if I was in a healthy, stable relationship and my partner, like, was like, I, I thought they were going back to clean everything up, let's wash these sheets. But I can see what you're saying.

My wife washes the sheets all the time.

I do too, like every 3 days.

I don't even think twice about it. Usually it's because one of the dogs puked on it, and I don't even think—

why? He doesn't puke.

Yeah, he does. Oh, we have 3 dogs in the bed. One of them almost always pukes.

Um, but okay, that's a good point. So that— you're right. Okay, so that could be a point, but she's telling him that she's not. Okay, I believe that she's not. So regardless of the source or what happened, you've got to have the conversation. You know, you sit down, tell him you love him, you're excited that you're in this relationship and that you're moving in together, but these accusations are hurtful and they're actually untrue. And unless he's willing to work with The accusations and mistrust is not going to get you anywhere.

What about asking them like point blank too? Like, are you doing this because you're freaking out about moving?

You know what, ask them. Say, you know, I had a hunch. And here's the other thing, you don't want to be accusatory. You want to be, babe, I've been thinking about this. Like, I'm just wondering, like, how are you feeling about us moving in together? Is this, could this be bringing it up? And he can't just shut this down. I mean, he's got to be honest and willing to communicate. And if he wants to stay together, And you know, he's like, I wanna stay together, but I can't quite get my feelings out. Then you might need to be, you might be a great candidate for therapy. But if he just keeps resisting and resisting and there's these roadblocks, you know what? You might not wanna put the sheets back on the bed.

Best case scenario though, you guys work through this.

I hope so.

You end up getting married and when you're old and gray, you still have the little inside funny joke every time she walks in the sheets.

Every time she, yeah. Anderson, that's so positive. That's so glass half full.

Mm-hmm.

I love it. Okay. Hi, Emily, I would love to get your thoughts on being sexually active with your spouse while separated. My wife and I recently separated but have agreed to not see other people until we figure out if we want our marriage to continue. I feel that—

like the worst limbo ever.

I feel that being actively intimate with each other will be fun as the day-to-day husband and wife thing, you know, we've struggled with won't be a factor. Thanks, Thomas. What?

They're going from married to best buddies.

Here's my problem with this email is that it's— oh, No, I wanna know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's the thing. They're married. I don't know why they're separating. They're taking a little break. They're moving to separate apartments and he's excited because I'm assuming the sex is waned and they've got issues that, wow, we can like date again and we can relive that honeymoon phase and won't that be great? And he wants to know, is that okay?

That's half glass full right there.

Yeah. And she's promising, they're saying, I'm not gonna sleep with other people. And you know, is it a good idea? Well, here's the thing. As long as you guys are truly like working on the relationship while you're not together and you're not just like having sex and like falling in love love again, this euphoric recall, remembering all the great things. I think that it's okay to have like physical intimacy. Like, I think that that's totally fine, helps you reconnect. And oftentimes, when you do have space from a partner, not necessarily moving out, but you take a trip away from each other, that can build intimacy again, you can reconnect, you get the sexual desire back. Because, you know, oftentimes when you— absence, absence makes the heart grow fonder. And distance and space could bring that excitement back. But however, if you're just having sex and enjoying that new honeymoon ride, that second swing at the honeymoon, but you're not working on any of those issues, and then you get back together because it's the same old thing, it's going to be a repetition of what you happen— you're going to— it's a trap, okay? So we all crave the newness, and it's just not sustainable over time in any relationship. I'm here to tell you, after 2 years or so in a relationship, it's biology, you're gonna need to work on the same sex. But just like, I want to make this very, very, very, very clear, if I have not, just like trauma issues do not go away unless you work on them, they're treated. You got to treat them in therapy. Clearly, you guys have come to a standstill where you could not work on them. So just taking physical space and not taking that space of, you know, mentally and emotionally working on it, it's not going to heal it, right? Okay, squirting.

I thought that the squirting was gonna end up being the sheets one.

You did?

I thought she was gonna be like, yeah, and that's why I had to wash them 'cause I masturbated that night without you and I squirted all over my sheets. That's why I'm washing them.

I could understand why you'd make that connection.

Yeah, I thought it was gonna be two birds right there.

Hey Emily, huge fan of you and your podcast. Also when you're on Loveline. I listen to your podcast every morning trying to catch up.

What is Loveline?

The Line. Uh, it's a show that I do here on the radio. So my question is how to get my wife to be more into letting me use the magic wand on her to make her squirt. We've done it twice now, and the second time she seemed more into it, but her biggest problem with it is she thinks she's peeing when she orgasms. I've argued with her and showed her articles that say it isn't urine, but she's dead set on thinking it's full-blown urine, thus not wanting me to use the to make her squirt, and I love seeing her do it. Is there anything you can do to help us better understand what squirting really entails? Please help us, because I know she really likes doing it, but she's afraid or embarrassed by it and thinks she's peeing. Thanks for the help, and I love the show. Bob. Okay, there's been so much focus on this squirting debate. It's like more than the presidential debate.

It's so disgusting, but just have her eat some asparagus.

It is It's not disgusting. Here's the thing. Is it pee? Is it not pee? It's a debate. Listen, if it feels good to her and you've expressed how much it turns you on, she shouldn't be worrying about if it's pee or not because, you know, does it matter? There's too much emphasis on this goddamn fluid, Cotton. But let me tell you, you wanna know what is squirting? Let me break it down.

Oh no, you gonna talk about the Bartholin's gland and all that?

Yeah.

Oh no, it's so unsexual. It makes something so great so scientific-y.

Small amounts of thick fluid sometimes are elicited, secreted during the female orgasm. It happens. And women who squirt, they're simply learning to release one set of muscles while contracting the bladder so they can release a little bit of urine—

a little—

during orgasm. So when you're having sex and you have stimulation, what happens is the female ejaculate gets mixed in with the vaginal fluids and lubrication and semen and pre-ejaculatory fluid and post-ejaculate. So it's a whole mess of things. I don't want to say mess, but cocktail of sexual excretions. And there is significant proof that the origin of fluid is the bladder, and there is some chemical composition that is urine. There's also the periurethral glands, ducts that also have some fluid in there that is not urine. Okay, so bottom line, again, if she likes it and it feels good and you like it. What is the big friggin' deal if it's urine or not? But if she does not want to squirt for whatever reason, you cannot pressure her and make her do it because she won't want to do it. She won't want to come around. Um, no woman on this planet likes being pressured into a sexual act, and then it's going to lead to other things, other issues, other problems.

No woman.

Sex is messy, people. Sex is messy, but it's also beautiful. So just get over it. I hate this debate. No, but I understand the debate. And also, here's another thing. Like I would say squirting is a new anal, but I need a new fucking thing for squirting because when I first started the show, anal was a new blowjob. But squirting with porn, people see it all the time. They want to see their partner squirt. Every— a lot of men do. So that's the thing. I'm getting the questions. I'm answering it because I love you.

Can pegging be—

pegging is the new squirting maybe when a man gets anally penetrated.

Yeah, you love that so much. I see it in your eye.

I've never— can I be honest?

I'm gonna be honest, you're not very sexually, uh, adventurous. You haven't really done much.

I've never pegged a man. I've never worn a strap-on and pegged a man.

You haven't lived till you have.

And I have—

every day is a waste of your life.

I'm so busy.

I have no time for pegging.

No time for begging. It's on my schedule. Put it on my schedule. Um, so that's what you have time for. Um, but this is what I want to say, Anderson. You know how y'all write me feedback at sexwithemily.com? Super easy now. If you go to the Ask Emily page on our site, you can easily just send it right there through the site. You just go to Ask Emily, boom, your email gets right sent to our inbox. Also, it's really helpful again when you subscribe, but also when you review us on iTunes and you give us 5 stars.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Beautiful.

Makes Em feel good about herself.

No, yeah, but it also helps so I can keep doing the show. My goal is to do the show. I'd love to do it every day. Every day.

Yeah, I used to know why you wouldn't. You kind of do in your head, right?

Every single day, always Emily taking notes, doing things. It is my life and I love it. After 10+ years. Okay, Anderson, thank you so much.

Thank you.

And thanks everyone for listening. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all @sexwithemily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you have a question about sex, dating, relationships, any of it, leave a message at sexwithemily.com/ask. Ask. And hey, was it good for you? Email me at feedback@sexwithemily.com. I would love to hear what you're