Relationship Reset

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If somebody has an active fantasy life, they typically do fantasize about past sexual partners. And so I do not think it's cheating. But everyone gets to decide what cheating is in their relationship. But someone can't tell you that you're not allowed to fantasize about something. Now, there's two kinds of fantasies. Remember this, doc. There's the fantasies that we want to actually happen in real life that we want to share with a partner. Like, I think it'd be fun to enact this. And then there's fantasies that we just want to keep to ourselves. And they're all, all okay.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who can read your mind and anticipate your needs 24, 7? And then not only that, they fulfill them perfectly? Yeah, me neither. The truth is, deep relationships require deep communication skills. And the most important skill is, is this being able to articulate what you need sexually and otherwise. The result? Way healthier relationship dynamics and relationships. So on today's Ask Emily show, I give you communication tools to put in your back pocket so you can improve your relationship one talk at a time. So what about when you're tired of hookups and want a relationship with real depth? Or maybe you want more than one relationship? Well, I talk you through ways to approach both. I also talk about getting the kind of touch you need in bed because, let's face it, sometimes pain is fun and sometimes it's just painful. With the right communication, you can find just the right sweet spot. Intentions with Emily for each Episode Join me in setting an intention for the show.

What do you want to get out of this episode?

How can it help you? Well, my intention is to give you the tools to fix and maintain your relationships, no matter what you're looking for and a partner. Please rate and review Sex With Emily wherever you listen to the show. And my new article, Ask Emily How.

Do I Track a Healthy Relationship?

Is up at sex with emily.com Also, please check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, just call my hotline, 559-talk-SEX or 559-825-5739. Leave me your questions there or just message me sex with emily.com ask emily. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

We have Hunter. She's 20 in Michigan. Hi Hunter.

What's up?

I am so excited to talk with you. I've been listening to your podcast for so long. You are one of my role models.

I'm so excited.

Oh, I'm so happy to talk to you. Hi, Hunter from my home state.

Yes, I guess my problem is, and maybe it's not a problem, you can tell me I'm unable to have a roster or to casually date multiple people at the same time. I've tried and in the beginning it's empowering and it's fun flirting with all these guys. But then I either lose interest in all of them very quickly, which I'm known for, or I catch feelings for one person and I hyper fixate on them and can no longer talk to anyone else. And it almost feels inauthentic when I do try to talk to other people.

Okay. That's okay though. I mean, I think that you're figuring out your way right now what works for you. There is no prescriptions here. No one says that every single person has to be has to want to casually date and have a roster of men or Women lined up. And for some people, that just doesn't work for them. For some people, they want to have security and safety, and they want to trust someone. They want to have a relationship that they could build on over time. And that's, you know, where we can have a lot better sex, too. When we're with somebody that we trust, invested in our pleasure, and we're invested in their pleasure. And that's totally fine that you do you. I don't think that there's anything wrong with wanting that, but it can also be exhausting. And maybe what you're craving now is you kind of want a connection with somebody.

Definitely. And it's tough because I go to a very big school, a big party school. So hookup culture is very prevalent. So I feel the expectation is to have this roster when it's like, I don't want to just casually hook up with someone. I need that, like, intimate connection. So I almost feel like it's this, like, pressure to have this roster when it's just. I tried, and it just is not for me.

I'm hearing from this from so many more women, Hunter and men, that there is this expectation. Hookup culture. You gotta do it. It makes you cool. We're gonna get blackout drunk, and we're gonna go sleep with a bunch of guys. And it's very empowering. But is it like, do you remember it? Does it feel good? Are they going down on you? Are you having orgasms? And so I would love you to just be that person with your friends and say, it's not for me. If you start telling guys, nope, not for me. Not looking for that anymore.

I tried it.

It's not my thing. And you just start advocating for what you want. I think that you're going to. First off, it's going to be very empowering. And you're also going to be setting example for others that this is what works. I think you'll give other people permission to pave their own way and to figure out what they want. That's how it was when I went to college. There was no casual sex. Like, if you had casual sex, you were slutty, you were judged. People talked about you forever, like, oh, she slept with everyone at the frat party. You know, it was like you just couldn't do it. And now the pendulum swung with this hookup culture. And maybe it's going back the other way or somewhere to the middle, where I don't think it was right. Either way. Like, I think it should have been okay to experiment it was so strict. But now the fact that you're telling me, it's totally gone the other wayward. It's you are judged or you're seen as, I don't know, needy or something. If you want to. If you want a partner. Yeah.

Like, guys think I'm like, too intense. Or some people think that I'm immature. Not participating in hookup culture, like, for some reason it makes me like this immature person.

I'm like, no.

If anything, I should be deemed more mature, that I understand my relationship with sex and I'm sticking to that.

Yeah.

And it's difficult because typically the guys that I'm attracted to are the guys who are hooking up with all these girls and the guys who want to date me and who respect the fact that I won't sleep with them the first night I'm not attracted to them.

Exactly. This is a dynamic that happens. It's because also the men, they're in different places. It's a lot harder for men because we're much more connected and we communicate with our friends and we talk about all these things where guys in college, they're 21st time away from home. It's what all of their friends are doing. And so they don't really have a conditioning. They don't really have an understanding around what it means to be in a relationship. And they're doing what their friends are doing. They don't have the same level of dialogue and trust with their friends. Not all, but some. Yeah, but what you're saying is a classic, like, welcome. All the guys I like don't like me, and the ones I don't like, it's just, dude, that's been going on since the beginning of time, and that's going to change. That dynamic is going to shift and change. I know this, and I promise you. And I feel like it is changing because I've been hearing this from a lot of college students. And so I think you know what you want, and I think that's really intimidating. And I think that could be really attractive to some but also intimidating to others. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't keep doing you. And all the while you're still working on yourself and masturbating and making sure that you're giving yourself pleasure and figuring out your body. So when you do meet somebody, it's pleasurable for you as well.

No, you're definitely right. And I know in my gut that when these guys do give me a hard time and, like, make almost, like, fun of me, for not wanting to sleep with them. I know that they're wrong, but. But there's also that part of me that's like, I'm in college. Like, I wanna have fun. All my friends are doing this and doing that. So I got some.

Yeah, I totally got it.

And is it fun, though? Like, what you're saying is it wasn't fun for you. You know, it wasn't fun. Now, maybe it's fun for them, but, like, some of my friends like to go out and play tennis or go. I don't know, whatever it is. There's certain things that I don't like that are not fun for me that sound like a nightmare. And so we all get to define what fun is. We all get to decide what works for us. And so I also think, again, that is a script. That is what everyone's doing. And you guys all just got to college and what you were home in pandemic last year, and it's like, free for all. And this is what people have been doing the last few years in college, is going out and hooking up. But I think that you're going to see the pendulum swing. When you get, like, maybe your junior year, senior year, it starts to change a little bit.

A little bit. But still, you know, I still feel like a lot of guys are like, I'm in college, only be here once. Like, the person who has the most amount of bodies, like, that's the coolest guy. We gotta try to be like him.

And they're not the coolest guy. I should come talk to college campuses. I really should. I've been wanting to say, just because you've been with more people, I would love to come. Because literally, it's a disaster. The fact that it's still a thing, your body count, your body count, you shouldn't even. It just means that you're somebody. You can go out and bang a bunch of people. It does not mean that you are a good lover, that you're having quality sex, that you understand pleasure your body. But you guys are still, like, young and on the path of discovery.

So would you say, let's say I do start really liking someone and I'm texting them a lot. Is it healthy, though, to also maybe keep the door open for a couple other people and not put all your eggs in one basket?

Yes, I think that's important. I think always put until it's locked down. I would still say go out, you don't have to sleep with them, but still flirt unless you are committed and you've had the conversation. Just assume that everyone's sleeping with other people until you have the convers. And I think it's okay to like someone because then that. Because what you told me early on to go back to that is you were saying that you get this laser focused. I think you're really healthy. And what you're realizing is the counter to that is when you know, you get laser focused. I tell everyone this, my friends. This too is keep dating, keep swiping, keep meeting people while you met someone you like that's not locked down yet. And there's something to be said for having your attention spread out only because it helps you and compare and see if you're really into this person. And so, yes, I think you're making all the right choices now. I think you are making very mature, healthy choices and all for it.

Thank you very much.

Of course.

I'm team Hunter.

I wanted to talk to you for so long and this was very therapeutic. So I'm very appreciative.

I'm so glad, Hunter. I will. I'm going to. I will. I love that idea. Okay, Hunter, thank you so much. Have a wonderful day. Thank you so much. Keep doing you. You too.

Bye.

Have a great night.

Bye.

I know it's really hard to tell a bunch of people that are all doing the same thing. We all want to follow her mentality. And if everyone else is hooking up with what am I going to be the one with the commitment or do something different? But yes, I love that Hunter knows her own body and knows what she's want and she's listening to what she wants and not going along with everyone else. And I invite everybody to take a look. If you wholeheartedly want to be in be dating into Haguk culture, there is zero judgment here. Hookup culture exists for a reason. And I understand that. Like I said, when I went to college, it's my dog.

Hi, baby girl.

When I went to college, it was much more restrictive. Like, literally, you couldn't hook up with people. Do you guys see my doggie? If you're looking at the video, she's little white paws. She's the cutest, but you couldn't do it. So now I like that there's options, but what I'm hearing is we should all give people, go easy on them. And I hope that there's more dudes. If you are a woman now in college or you're a guy in college.

Send this to your friends so they.

Can hear that it's okay to do what you want to do for you when you want to do it, and don't be following the scripts of college and all those things. Just because you're sleeping with a lot of people doesn't mean that it's really fun and really pleasurable. That's what I got for you. We have Anna, 25, in Chicago. Hi, Anna.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too. How can I help?

I called in because I hear you talking about and advertising all of these exciting lubes and it's something that I want to integrate into my sex life. But I have a very sensitive skin and a very sensitive vagina. I deal with chronic imbalances and my general rule of thumb is like, if it smells like strawberries, it probably shouldn't go down there. So I hear you advertising this stuff and advertising it as used for oral and I'm just like, I need more information about that. Am I allowed to use it for oral?

For food, for oral?

Well, it's a great question because the flavor lube that I talk about by System Jo is a lube that actually is a really. It's a body safe lube that is made with ingredients that are okay to put with you and to put inside of you internally. And you could try the System Joe lube and spot check it and see if you have a reaction to it. You know, you could just try it for some oral and buy it to see like, oh, is anything happening? And see if you have a reaction to it. But if you are super sensitive and you already know this, I would recommend something like Forea because Forea is a CBD lube that has just only two ingredients, CBD and coconut oil. And it also has properties in it where CBD can really help with pain, it can help you relax, can help get you in the mood, it can lead to stronger orgasms and that is unlikely to cause you to have any. And it's all organic, so it's unlikely to cause you any infections or pain. Pur Pjur also has some sensitive lubes. They have one called Pure Med Sensitive. It's Pjur and it's their med sensitive line. And so that could also be one that you might want to check out. And so I think it's great that you know your body and I would check those out.

Well, thanks. When you look this up, there's so much information about what kinds of lubes to use with toys and with condoms and not. So the coconut oil condom, is it okay? Is it like condom safe?

It's Coconut oil is condom safe, but it's actually not safe for toys.

So I would recommend that a water based lube, I would recommend the pure med. The. The water based for, for your toys and I would recommend the coconut oil for everything else. There's also you might want to try. Although this isn't good for your toys. But silicone lube is another lube I'd recommend. It's one ingredient, it's silicone. And so if your body can tolerate silicone, it's slippery, it lasts a lot longer, and you're not supposed to use it with silicone toys because it can break silicone can break down silicone. But water based is good for everything all around. And the flavored lubes are water based. So we don't want you to have any insensitivities. Although I think it's. I feel good about their products. But why not just be safe, you know yourself, you know your body.

Cool.

Thank you.

Oh my God.

You're so welcome. It's a great question. You know, my dream is a lube on every nightstand, so I love answering a lube question.

Fun.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

So nice to meet you too. Bye, Anna.

Good to see you.

Yeah. You guys. I love lube. I love lube. God, have I told you how much I love lube lately? And I love a lube question because it is confusing. There's so many lubes out there and all of our bodies are different. I wish there was a one lube fits all, one size fits all lube that's for everybody. But that doesn't exist yet. So I do feel good about coconut oil and what ingredients and like silicone. But just remember to experiment. And sometimes our bodies change certain times a month. Things can affect us differently. But whatever you do, whatever kind you get, I'm just happy that you're all using lube because lube makes sex better. All sex with yourself, sex with a partner, sex with a toy. So be sure to use lube put on your nightstand right there like me. Well, I have like six on my nightstand, but you only need one. After the break, I talked to Doc.

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We have Doc 26 in Massachusetts. Hi Doc.

Hello, Dr. Emily. Nice to meet you. In your opinion, is thinking about other sexual partners or fantasizing about them cheating?

I personally don't believe that it is because having we all fantasize about. If somebody has an active fantasy life, they typically do fantasize about past sexual partners. It's really common. And so I do not think it's cheating. But everyone gets to decide what cheating is in their relationship. But someone can't tell you that you're not allowed to fantasize about something. Now, there's two kinds of fantasies. Remember this, Doc? There's the fantasies that we want to actually happen in real life that we want to share with the partner. Like, I think it'd be fun to enact this. And then there's fantasies we just want to keep to ourselves. And they're all okay. There's no thought police. There's nobody that's coming in and saying, you're wrong, Doc. Here's a ticket. You know you're going to jail for that. Terrible thought. So I think that it's totally healthy. And now if you are only fantasizing about your exes or former partners when you're with your current partner and your current partner isn't turning you on, and that's a whole other conversation, it's not wrong to fantasize about a past partner in that case. But still, then you're getting more information. What is it about my current partner that isn't turning me on? But I'm not sure if you're asking that.

Well, in general, yeah. Not necessarily partners specifically, but just thinking about other women sexually. I've had someone tell me that they consider that to be cheating. And the way I see it was, okay, I get that it may be cheating to you, but I feel like it may also come from a place of ignorance because it's like you can't control your thoughts. And just to make someone feel bad because of what they think can sometimes be abusive.

I think so.

Twisted way.

I think so too. So I think you're right. I totally think that this is a typical. And I hear this all the time, actually, that people's partners get really offended by their partners fantasizing about someone else. So the counter to that is that it's very common. So I just want to normalize that too for listeners who are like, yeah, if my boyfriend's or my girlfriend's thinking about somebody else, then it's over and it's cheating. You shouldn't feel bad about it, and they have a judgment around it. But I also think it does have to do with not having a lot of information and accurate information about sex education, understanding that fantasies are going to happen. You really can't control what you fantasize about, you know, And I think it's okay to think about whatever you want to think about. And I think that what we're hearing here is that you want to be with a partner who has. Who's more open sexually, who understands, you know, that fantasies are fantasy life and it's part of being sexually healthy overall. And I used to, you know, get offended in my 20s if my partner watched porn in my early 20s. I didn't understand it. I was like, it's similar. I was like, you're watching porn. Like, does that mean you want me to look like her? But now I understand that it's part of being sexually healthy is that we all have our own things that turn us on.

I love that you brought this up about the porn. It's always been a thing within almost all of my Relationships where I would ask them, what kind of porn do you watch? What kind of porn are you into? And I realized that most women tend to be very self conscious about what porn they watch. Very closed off when it comes to that, and I feel like it's huge. It's one of those things that will, can, and most likely will bring you guys together. It's a good opening into speaking about your fantasies and speaking about what you may prefer or love.

That's true. I mean, we have to understand too that where women are coming from that there's so much shame and stigma around women being sexual because we're called sluts or we're called, you know, prude. And there's all these ways that women just can't win. And so we are told if we express ourselves sexually, if we watch porn and we ask for what we want, then we're going to be shamed for that. I'm trying to change that. I think a lot of people who are interested in learning more about what actually is okay don't feel that way. But it has been for a long time a common held belief that women, if they admit to watching porn or they even watch porn, that there's something wrong with them, that they're going to be shamed.

And it's ingrained so deeply.

Women have been repressed in this way for so, so long. And I'm really hoping to change that conversation. So hopefully when you're with women like this, you can say, I want to tell you that if you, if you do watch porn or you do have fantasies, I think that's really hot. And I encourage you do that. And I think it's really sexy. And I'm not someone who's going to shame you for that. And I think that the more men we have that could sort of toe that line and be open about it, to be more supportive of women, then that would be, you know, the world I want to live in. I don't know about you. Yeah, but I think that's what you're coming up against. They just don't know. They just haven't been out there. They haven't been listening to this podcast. They haven't. And their friends are the same way. So that's really it, really.

I've been sending it to everyone. I've literally been sending it to everyone because it's you. We need to speak about this. We need to speak about sex. But is it possible for a mentally healthy woman to be polyamorous or to be poly in general?

Yeah, I Think that polyamory is. Could be for any kind of human.

So the observation that I have personally made has been that. That I've encountered in my life. Most women that are open to polyamorous relationships or open relationships, they tend to be open to it because of some kind of issue that they have, psychologically speaking, that makes them not want to be with just one person because of some kind of blockage. As in, it's not like it's their first desire to want some, like, multiple people. It's more so of a defense mechanism, is what I've seen happen a lot.

I think that being in a polyamorous relationship takes practice. It takes sophistication. It takes really understanding who you are. Maybe you've been with one partner and you've been committed. You thought, you know what? I'd really like to go out and experiment with other people and not have a committed relationship right now, because that's how my lifestyle is, or I don't have time for it right now. But I haven't seen a trend. You know, it's kind of like saying, oh, everyone who's a sex worker has been abused. Right. So I just don't think that's true either. I just think that there are some women who might say that you've come across and say, oh, I'm just gonna be polyamorous because I have commitment issues or I have intimacy issues. And, you know, maybe that's. That's the case too. But people who genuinely want to be open or typically have experience in committed relationships and have found that it's just something that they like to open up and have healthy relationships with multiple people at once. So, yeah, I haven't. I don't think that. I think that there are some people who do it as a default, too, because they're like, oh, well, I'm just doing it for my partner, or I'm doing it to seem cool, or I'm just gonna do it, but it really doesn't sit well with them.

So all these things.

Yeah, I got it. It sounds like you're on a path here, and you're learning and discovering. And I think that there's a lot to understand about polyamory and open relationships. But I'd be wary of casting judgment on a whole swath of women who want one thing that is just not necessarily true. Everyone's gonna come to polyamory or any kind of relationship from their own operating at their own place, their own life experiences. So, yeah, just keep having these conversations, turn more women onto this podcast. Thank you for calling.

Thank you so much.

Have a great night.

You as well.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Let's talk about open relationships for a minute. There's a lot of young people now saying that they want to be open people who have never actually been in a committed relationship, and there's zero judgment on that. It's just that it takes a lot of skills. Remember I was talking about those relationship skills, which is something that we are not taught anywhere. We're not taught in school. We're not taught through our partners. We have to learn how to be excellent communicators. We have to learn how to trust, how to be honest, how to communicate our needs, how to express jealousy, how to transcend jealousy. The couples I know that are in healthy, open relationships practice this rigorous honesty that is really beyond that is not something that is for the faint of heart. And it's with a partner that can actually hear you. And you adapt and you adjust. And people who are open have rules and they have boundaries and. And they continually talk about them and they update them and they process and they over process. It's not just a matter of saying, I want to have sexual partners and I want to be with you, but, oh, I won't be home Friday because I met a hot person at the bar and I won't be home. It's not reckless. It's actually thoughtful and heartfelt and caring, and it comes from a loving place, not a I'm just going to go sleep with people and I'm going to get jealous, and this is going to be just another way for me to get my needs met and not really care about your partner, but people I do know who engage in it in a healthy way, continue to grow together, and it can be.

Can work out.

So it's not some crazy notion, but you have to have a certain skill set in place. All right, we have Addie, 25, in Philadelphia. Hi, Addie.

Hi.

How are you?

I'm good.

How are you?

Great.

Thank you so much for meeting with me.

Of course.

How can I help you?

I listened to your podcast on love languages, and it got me thinking. So I'd say my love languages are definitely quality time and physical touch. And my boyfriend is just so different than me, which is fine, but I guess I'm having a little bit of trouble. So I've been trying to ask him or talk to him about what helps me feel more loved, and I have had minimal results so far. I'll tell him what he could maybe do to make me feel more Loved. But then I'll actually ask him, too. What can I do? And so far, he says nothing. You're doing everything perfectly, and you don't need to change, which makes me feel terrible for asking a bunch from him. So I guess I want to know how I can approach it where I'm not making him just feel bad about everything.

Okay, well, it sounds to me like you're both feeling bad. I guess you feel bad and he feels bad. But I just want to normalize this for you, Addie, that relationship skills is not something that we are born with. We have to learn them. Like, we have to learn them in every relationship, and I want to normalize that. Whenever we talk to our partners about changes that we want to see in our relationships or our sex life, we're going to be met with some pushback because it comes from this fear of being a bad person, of disappointing a partner, the fact that we've never heard anybody else talk about sex. So when someone does our relationship stuff or make a request that we're like, oh, God, my biggest fear just came true. I'm a bad lover. I'm a bad partner. It's important to emphasize that because and for everybody listening that it's okay. This is what happens. And so now I think it would make sense that his first reaction. And, you know, we're all different. And you're not saying that you're not happy. You just know a little bit more about. Relationships are constantly improving. There's no such thing as a relationship that isn't always evolving and growing. And when they stagnate, that's when they become less interesting and problems. We're evolving every day as humans. I think he probably doesn't even have language about it in his mind. He probably doesn't have anything to say. Like, he really has never thought about it. He's like, this is great. I love you. We're living together. First off, did he take the love language quiz? Do we know what his. His art?

Yes. And I actually. I did have him take it. He's acts of service, which I do see that all the time. He's always doing things for me. It's just not the best way for me to receive it, but I do see it's there.

Are you giving him acts of service?

Yeah, I'm trying to. At first, I'd say I was giving love in the same way I wanted it to be received, but he wasn't receiving it well. So I tried to dial back and give it more. Like he would want it.

Okay.

So you're really trying and he's just not getting that. Have you given him examples of what it looks like for you to get your love languages met? Like, maybe you could tell me what would feel good to you. Like, let's practice. What are the examples? How do you think you'd feel more love from him?

So I would just feel the most love just first by physical touch, just random hugs throughout the day, random kisses, everything like that. Holding hands and then just getting to hear that I am loved just because I don't know, I know it's there, but I need to hear it. Hear that I'm loved and appreciated.

Okay.

And so maybe you could just let him know that. That this is nothing that you're doing wrong, per se. This is something that I'm learning about myself and this is something that would make me feel more connected to you and just breaking down the concept of the love languages that we give what we want to receive. You know, all day long he could be changing your tires and filling your car with gas and helping you with bills or anything around the house. And it's an act of service. But again, for you, it just doesn't fill you up in that way. So really we're just talking about education.

Yeah.

He just might not be ready and open to it. He might just think it's too painful for me. I feel like I'm a bad person and I feedback makes me feel horrible. Maybe growing up, if he ever got feedback from his parents, it made him feel really bad. Maybe they were hard on him. I'm just guessing. So he doesn't have any experience with personal growth and self.

He did share that. He. Because I shared what exactly I wanted from him. And he said, just when there's too many things that I'm asking of him, it just makes him feel like he's inadequate, like a bad boyfriend, which kind.

Of makes him shut down. Okay, so you could say, I just want to reinforce. Tell him all the things you love about him. So you could say, the reason why I'm having these conversations with you and why I think it's important is because I think you're an amazing boyfriend. And here's the ways that we could even grow stronger. We have to keep growing together. You know, Again, I just want to normalize that relationships are about growth. But in relationships, we're so protected because it's so vulnerable. It speaks to this part of ourself that we feel we're not lovable, we're not enough, and that you're going to just leave him. And he's a bad person. And he probably goes to that. I'm a bad person in a lot of other areas of his life. Because usually how we do one. How we do one thing is how we do everything. And so it's just a matter of seeing if he can meet you there right now. If he's just not there yet. And some people are never there. What you want is valid. You're not doing anything wrong.

Thank you.

I really appreciate the advice.

Of course. I hope that helps. Addy, thank you so much.

I love your show.

Of course. Addie, thank you so much. It's so good to see you. And let me know how it goes. Okay? I'll be here for you.

Okay, I will.

Bye.

Bye.

Sometimes we're not at the same place as our partner. I would like to say it's something in your 20s, but believe me, there's people in their 30s and 40s who just, everything's fine. I don't want to really upset the status quo. I can't take feedback. It makes you defensive or it makes somebody, you know, just feel wronged in a deeply woundful place that they just won't be able to meet you where you're at. And nobody's wrong in these situations. It just means that it's a lesson for you. It's giving you more information. I like to say that all of these roadblocks we hit with a partner are giving you more information that we continue to gather. And at some point, you get to say, all right, this is actually something that's important to me. And if I'm with a partner that doesn't have a growth mindset around relationship skills around sex, now I'm learning that this just. It might be a deal breaker for me, and this is gonna be a requirement in my next partner. Cause it's just like everything. It's like people in recovery. Like, you can't get someone to stop drinking. You can't get someone to start working out, and you can't get someone to want to talk and emotionally evolve. So check in with yourself right now. What kind of relationship skills are important to you? And what kind of traits are you looking for in a partner? And do you have that now? And if you don't, time to evaluate that and make some choices for your future.

When we come back, I'm talking to Katherine, who wants to know how to teach her young daughter about sex and self confidence.

Be right back.

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We're going to talk to Katherine, who's 33 years old. Hey Catherine.

Hi Dr. Emily.

Hi, how are you? So good to talk to you.

Oh my God, it's so good to talk to you. Huge fan. I've been listening to you for like over a year and like you've helped me so much. So I have a five year old daughter, I'm 33 years old and I want to raise her in a positive. I want to have good positive sex education with her. You know, I want her to talk about. I want to talk about everything and let her know that it's okay. Because I was raised that masturbation was gross. Having sex with more than one person made you a whore. And of course, sex before marriage, all that, you know, I never believed in that, but it was always there and I don't want her to be raised that way. So I don't know how to talk to her about all that because I was never talked about it. Either.

So there's that. But it's also like the confidence wise, like, how do I talk to her about being confident in her.

And herself if I'm not even confident either with. I have very low self esteem too. You know, I wear a wig and that was just recent. When the whole pandemic happened, I started wearing a wig and nobody knows. And now it's hard to like even get intimate with anybody because the whole time I'm afraid, I'm like, oh my God, do they see that it's a wig? Is it going to come off? I had somebody who tried to pull it and I was like, don't touch my hair.

Let me say this, it's a great question and let me just say this, that body confidence and self confidence is a journey. It is not a destination. It is a lifelong process of learning to be confident. You don't just get there one day and say, I'm fully confident. I never been insecurity. That is just. I would just love to change that perception within everyone's mind. So you can still teach your daughter how to have boundaries, how to have consent, how to name her parts. The more information you give her about, first off, naming her body parts, telling her vulva, her clitoris, like teaching her what everything is. If you see her touching herself, you say, doesn't that feel good? It does feel good. Remember, you're the only person that's allowed to touch you and it's best to do it in your room. And you know, if she's touching herself at the safe way, you know, you have to say like at the drugstore, you'd be like, okay, let's do that when we get home. And not, you know, trying to keep body positive messages around the house and encouraging her for, you know, things beyond her looks and, you know, value, you know, having her not value, just those kind of things. I think that was in our culture was like seeing pictures of magazines and aspiring all. You know, I have a friend who had young kids and she tried to keep magazines out of her house. Like, she tried to keep like beauty magazines and be like. So the daughter wouldn't get that message. But eventually, you know, kids grow up and you can't protect them from the world, but you can, you know, continue to tell her. I think the more honest you are about how you've had to learn confidence and I think that seeing it modeled by you is a really important thing that you could see. You could even like, I have negative self talk. That's one of my challenges, right? I'LL be like, oh, I'm such an idiot. And I do that. And then I notice that I do it. And so I might say, oh, God, why am I doing that? And then if you do that, you could say, see, mommy does that sometimes too. But I love myself. That's a habit that I do. And I really do. You know, today I was a really good. I got up, I went to work, I volunteered. And like, you know what I'm saying? Like, showing her the ways that you do love yourself will be such a great learning for you and for your daughter at the same time. And even the fact that you're asking this question, that you have a consciousness around it means that it's going to happen. Like, so many people don't even think like this. They don't even have the intent. I mean, if that happens, if in front of her, you are not feeling the most confident one day. And I think that sharing that with her and just continuing to, you know, encourage her to make good choices about her body, to make good choices about friends, explaining to her what it means, like to be in a toxic relationship or toxic friendships, you know, just teaching her those relationship and life skills that we are. None of us were taught.

Yeah, okay.

Is that helpful?

It is.

And thankfully I do that, you know, once in a while. I will tell her all of that, but she knows I'm extremely self conscious, like with my hair, because I used to have the most, like full hair. And then Covid hit and I like, I have nothing now and I have to wear a wig. And so she knows that. She knows I'm not taking a picture of you, Mom.

I'm over here, you know, and that's sending, you know, showing a message or that you don't feel beautiful when your hair isn't.

When I don't have it on.

Yeah.

Okay, so that's. But listen, you know, I think that's really hard because it's a new. It's new for you now to have to adapt to this part of yourself. And that's not easy. Our hair is our. It's our feminine. You know, men lose their hair, fine, but they still have other, you know, women. We don't have hair. I understand that, but you look beautiful. You have great energy, great stuff, spirit. And I think that if you could maybe try to speak more positively about yourself and like, mom looks good today, doesn't she? And just like I never heard my mom talk about aging, here's an example. I just spent time with her. My mom's 79. And I never heard her say, I feel old or I feel cra. Like my bones hurt or I got to slow down. And as a result of that, like, I never think about age. And she really does. It still doesn't. And I think that we do model things in certain ways. If you are somebody who constantly. You see her saying, like, yesterday was a hard day, but I'm really liking how I look, like, let's take pictures of me. You can even say, yeah, not with the wig off, I wasn't feeling, but now let's take pictures of me and just being real and trying to. They say that in the best relationships, and I would have to say this extends into life, that it's a five to one ratio, five positive experiences to one negative. So maybe that one experience wasn't so great with you with the wig. And maybe that's. I'm just using that as an example. Maybe you can try to pay attention this week to times where you can show her where you are, being in your confident place or feeling more empowered or feeling more self assured, you know, and just teach her those lessons in real time.

Okay, I'll definitely do that. Thank you, Dr. Emily.

Of course.

Okay, so I have a friend with benefits, and I didn't see him for, like, the whole pandemic. Now that we're, like, hanging out again, like I said before, he likes to have rough sex, and I love it, too, you know. And before I tell him, yeah, go ahead and pull my hair, you know, it's great. This time he tried to. And I was like, don't do that. Never told him, you know, he doesn't know. And so I'd be like, don't pull my hair. And all of a sudden he was just like, why? Like, what happened? You know, because before it was fine, and now I'm just like, no, don't. To totally, like, not even address this question. I was just like, here, let me just give you a blow drop or something, you know? And then another time was like, I didn't want him to be on top of me because I'm like, oh, my God, my hair's pulled back. He's going to see, you know, that outline. I end up just getting on top.

So he doesn't see.

How do I tell him, like, hey, this is why you can't pull my hair anymore, even though I looked it.

Oh, my God. I think you just got to be honest with them and just say, hey, I had some hair falling out. I had hair falling. You could also just say, I had hair Falling. My hair is really sensitive right now because I had hair falling out. But I think you should be honest and say, right now I'm wearing a wig. Cause my hair fell out. And we just can't pull right now.

But you can slap my ass, talk.

Dirty to me, choke, whatever you're into. But I think, gosh, you know, the more we're really honest about the things that embarrass us the most or we have the most shame, for we are able to easily we can turn it around. And once we realize that it's not so shameful and we shed light on our darkness, you're gonna feel more connected, you're gonna feel more loved. It's going to give you more confidence when you can really be honest and open with all your friends and lovers and your daughter.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Thank you.

I would be honest.

All right.

Of course.

It's so nice to meet you.

Thank you, Dr. Emily. I really appreciate it so much.

Hi, Kathryn. Confidence, you guys. Listen and remember, it is really something that we work on throughout our lifetime. If somebody tells you that they're confident all the time.

I don't believe that. I don't know how that's possible. We all have things that are going to sort of make us feel more down or dent our ego a bit or days that we feel less so. And so I just think that it's a really good example to try to be as open and honest with our kids as we can. And I think the more we normalize the struggle of being a human, like, normalize the human condition to our kids. Like, I'm having a rough day, and here's what happened. But tomorrow, I'm gonna try to be a better person. I'm gonna try to make better choices. I'm gonna try to say better things. You know, we all need that sort of balance in our life. And we all need someone to. Someone to give you accountability. Somebody that you're gonna need someone in your home or a friend of yours to make sure that you're, you know, staying on your own path. And the more that we Educate yourself and the. And. And also. And the more honest we are with ourselves and others, the more confidence we're gonna have. Confidence comes from deep insecurities that we are, you know, imposter syndrome, or that we're not really living up to who we are. But I think the more that we are honest about our struggles and. And share our vulnerabilities, like things about us that we feel shameful about, like we lost our hair or there's so many things that we worry about. But I promise you that sharing our secrets, we're only as sick as our secrets. And the more that we are able to open up to people that we care about and see that they actually accept us and even love us and respect us more will allow us to see that. Oh, these things that I'm holding onto in shame really don't really blossom in the light. So again, the people who do judge you for those things are not your people.

That's it for today's episode.

See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to, like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter sexwithemily. Oh, I been told I give really good email, so sign up at sex with emily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for.

More ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about.

Your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TalkSex. That's 559-825-5739 or go to sexwithemily.com askemly Special thanks to AK for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedbackexwithemily.com.

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