Relationships, Red Flags & Romantic Blocks

Okay, let's be real. Confidence is sexy in and out of the bedroom. And when it comes to performance, sometimes a little support makes a big difference. So whether you're craving more stamina, fuller erections, or you're just looking to level up your pleasure game, there's a tool that's been helping people feel more empowered for years. Meet Bathmate, the world's leading hydro powered penis pump. These aren't gimmicks. They're FDA registered, backed by science and designed to give real, lasting results. At Bathmate Direct, you'll find pumps that naturally support size, strength and blood flow, helping you experience bigger, harder, more energized erections over time. And because they work with water, they're more comfortable, more effective and way safer than traditional air pumps. With just a few minutes a day, the Bathmate hydro pump can help you increase size and girth, gradually boost confidence in and out of the bedroom, improve stamina and performance, support stronger erections through better blood flow. And the best part, it's all natural, non invasive and totally shower friendly. You can literally work out your sexual wellness while you wash your hair. It's iconic. Right now, Bathmate Direct is giving our listeners 10% off when you use code SW10@bathmate direct.com. that's Bathmate Direct. B A T H M A T E D I r e c t dot com. Use code SW10 for 10% off. So head to bathmate direct dot com, use SW10 and level up your confidence. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on today's show. I'm taking your calls and helping you through your sex and relationship questions. Topics include the proper ways to ask for more sex without hurting your partner's feelings. Red flags sign you just might not be compatible. And please don't worry, your vulva is not desensitized. People always ask me that. It's not. And also how to find partners who want the same kind of relationships you do. All this and more. Thanks for listening.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mark our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day.

Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Cuz my man e here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's gotta have her standards. Oh my. Do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I feel so good.

Being bad feels pretty Good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of.

Girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com check it out. Check us out on all social media. It's with Emily on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. Okay, guys, it is September. Can't believe summer's over. But is the Back to basics month. So you might think everyone gets sex, but to be honest, there's always new things to learn. I'm still learning things. Okay. And we like to think of, like the Back to Basics. This month you might be going back to school. So we're going to be having an ABCs of sex series on the website. So check that out. Okay, guys, here's some sex in the news before we get into your calls. So you want to have more sex, but don't want to hurt your partner's feelings. Okay. I really like this article came out because, well, I was quoted in it, which I love, but they asked me, the reporter contacted me and said, so what are some ways that you think you can ask for more sex without hurting your partner's feelings? And I thought, wow, God, I get asked this a lot on the show. I think it's even if you're just talking about the fact that you want more sex, people just are just asking for something you want in bed. It is not easy, we know, to have the communication conversation. So I like the way this came out. So I'm going to read you some points. She talked to a few other experts. So here it is. Is number one, talk about it. Okay. You know how I feel. Communication is a lubrication because relationships are full of compromises and our sex life is no different at all. And if you're not on the same sex schedule, you don't want the same things as your partner. There's something that you're dying to ask them. You just gotta talk about it. Asking for more sex means talking about it. And you know, I talk a lot about the right ways to do it outside the bedroom. You know, when you guys are in a happy, relaxed space. So that's just the first point. You gotta talk about it. I think we all agree have the conversation in real life, if possible. So I get it. You guys face to face is hard, but it's like ripping off a band aid. So you want to bring it up when you are relaxed and happy or like, you know, find what relaxes you. Both. It could be after a glass of wine when you're going on a hike after you work out, try to have it in real life. I'm not a fan of texting. A lot about emotions and feelings and problems and fighting over text, especially when it comes to sexual. You don't want to be like, hey, I need more blowjobs or attacks or, why don't you ever go down? Like, that's just. No, it's in real life, even though it's painful, because I even know sometimes I have to bring things up in my relationship. This is my job. And I still have these moments. I just take a few deep breaths. It doesn't have to be perfect as long as you know you're coming from a place of love and wanting to improve your relationship, which you do. Just know that your partner probably wants the same thing as well. So you're both on the same team. Okay? The other thing is give the good news first. I always call this the compliment sandwich. So you don't want to put your partner on the defensive. So great to start with positive things like, ah, keep thinking about that sex we had last week. And I've been thinking about it all week, which, you know, maybe think, like, I think we should kind of figure out how to have more sex. Maybe we open, you know, maybe we, you know, that's the request. The request is, let's have more sex. But if you just open up with, let's, let's have more sex without kind of setting the groundwork, just like one nice thing, like, you know, I love you, or you look beautiful today. And maybe think about our sex life. You just want something leading into it. Cause then you can say, you know, and then the compliment sandwich, obviously you end that sandwich with like, great, so let's have more sex. And I'm excited. We're on the same page. We have amazing sex to come. So you start with something great. You put in the thing you want to talk about, and then you end it with another nice, positive message. Okay, you guys, this is big. This is something that I learned from my mother, actually. When I was a kid, my mom was taking some therapy classes. And this is a big part of therapy, like all basic therapy. But I remember she said to me, I might have been in fifth grade, and she said that whenever you're talking to somebody and you're confronting them on something, you don't want to use the word. You, like, you never initiate sex, or you never bring up anything exciting, or, you know, you don't care about me. You don't want to put your Partner on the defensive. But this goes for everything in life. So if you're going to the office and you're saying you never show up to work on time, it's better to say, I. I've noticed lately that, you know, being on time is a challenge for you. So would you like to talk about some ways we could effectively get you to show up in time so you're in a relationship too? If you're like, you never do this or that when you start with, I've been feeling lately like we're not really connecting, or we could be having more sex, what do you think we should do about it? So instead of saying you never want to have sex or we never have sex, you can lead with why having more sex would be great for both of you. I think we would have more connection, more intimacy. We probably wouldn't be fighting as much or whatever it is. Start with speaking for yourself and not for your partner. And don't make assumptions that they're on the same page as you. So do use the eyes statements. Ask about your partner's preferences. I like this, because if your partner never seems in the mood for sex or they're complaining that they're just not turned on, you can ask them. And this is key. This is great for women. What makes you feel sexy? What times of day would you like to have sex? You know, which ways would they like you to initiate? You know, I always say, like, if you're. If you just tell your partner once you need to initiate sex more, there's probably a reason they haven't been initiating, and it's because they. They don't even know what that looks like. So if you could say, babe, when you come in the door and you just start likely kissing my neck, that really gets me in the mood for sex. That'd be a great way for me to know that you're initiating or that you want sex. So, you know, asking about their. Their preferences, asking them leading questions like, what turns you on? What makes you feel sexy? What times of day are great for you? Like, I realized lately we're not having sex a lot. So what time of day is great for you? Like I would say if you guys don't have a lot of time, you have kids set the alarm 10 minutes early in the morning or go to bed a few minutes earlier. There are ways to find kids time for sex, so asking about their preferences and getting really specific is helpful. And finally, you want to find a win win solution. So again, you guys tell them how much you love Feeling close and intimate with them. How you can work together to make sure you're both getting your needs met. So remember this, you guys, you're on the same team. You're not playing tennis. It's like you're on a soccer team. You guys both want the same things and the same goals. So find a solution so you guys can work together to have a sex life that works for both of you because it matters. All right, my next sex in the news. Here's some red flags that there's no compatibility in a couple, according to matchmakers. Okay, guys, again, take this with the grain of salt. I don't want you to hear one of these and be like, oh, my God, we have to break up. What are we going to do? But I like this because I talked to a bunch of different matchmakers who see a lot of couples probably know the red flags. So here's one of them. You don't agree about what to do together. So I'm kind of mixed on this one. So it might not seem like this is a big deal for some people because you can't agree what to do in your free time, but there could also be a sign that there's some values you don't have in common. Like if there's some things that are really important to you, like on Sunday, you know, you. It's important for you to, you know, be in nature and go hike. And your partner's like, I never leave the house. I only watch sports. Well, your value of working out and being healthy and your partner's like, sitting home and drinking beer all the time. No judgment either way, but it just means you might be incompatible. Now, I have to say, I'm a very independent person, so there's a part of me that's kind of excited that we don't. My partner and I don't share all the same things. Cause I'm like, great, you go do your things, and I'll do my things. But think about it. Think about the things that you specifically don't like doing together. And if it means anything about your values, take a look at that. If you. If you just like to, you know, go shopping, your partner doesn't, that's fine. But if it's something a little bit bigger, take a look for the signs. The other thing is, you live very different lives. Like, you feel like you never see each other. You're roommates. You know, you like ships that pass in the night, and you're just roommates. You might even be living together. But that doesn't necessarily mean that you're compatible. And I'm not saying you have different, you know, interests. One, this a little bit more like you literally aren't matching on everything, and it seems like a struggle. The other thing is you fight a lot. And I think this makes sense that if you're just fighting all the time, you're fighting more than you're actually, like, having joy with each other. And especially if you're fighting over things repetitively, like money or sex or how you raise the children, you know, and if they're not getting resolved or they're not having movement, think about it. Like, how intense are these fights? Is there contentment? Like, is your partner saying things that are kind of judgmental or make you feel really bad? If they're really big issues and you guys have not resolved it, you might not be that compatible. And if you don't want the same things in life, that's another one. Again, you guys take these with a grain of salt, but really, it kind of helps you clarify. Like, do you have the same goals in life? Do you guys both have the same goals in life? If you do, it means that you're compatible for sure. But if you don't want the same things in life and you're not willing to compromise, like, if your partner, they want to go out every weekend and just drink and party and go out till like 4:00am and it's like, that's never going to be your jam. And it keeps coming up. If you don't want the same things, that's important. But also, of course, you guys, these are huge. Marriage, children, money. Those are the three things that people that are the biggest issues in relationships. Like, those are the things that are like the predictors of divorce. And if people can't find common grounds on one of those are definitely two to three of those, there's going to be some problems. And also, religion is a huge factor. So make sure that you guys are, you know, on the same page. Do you both want marriage and kids? And you got to listen to this because there's also this thing where you're like, well, you know, she says she doesn't want to get married now, but if I stay long enough, maybe I could convince them. I think you have to remember to pay attention to what your partner says. What have they said over time? If they keep saying it, it's probably true. Okay. Another one is you don't value your relationship in the same way. Okay, so how can you tell if you share the values if you're not really both into spending time together in the same way. Like, if you keep feeling like, you know, you want to spend more time with them and you want to bring them into your life and meet your family, meet your friends and, like, your work people, and there's just none of that. Like, they're just not valu doing it. They're not putting as much effort and time into the relationship. Again, if you're in a relationship where you're like, yeah, you know, I'm okay that they always bring me into everything and they're cool that I don't, then you're fine. But I think it's just, you know, take a look at it. There's nothing wrong with wanting your partner to feel that your partner values it as much as you do. Because we've all been in relationships or friendships. We're like, I'm always the one reaching out. I'm always the one making plans. I'm always inviting them out to dinner. They're never initiating it. The same goes into a relationships you do you both value relationship. Do you prioritize your relationship? So take a look at that. And then the last one is, you don't see the world in the same light. This is a big one. You can compromise on a lot of things. But you guys, this is really huge. If you're dating someone and they, for example, have that victim mentality, okay, so everything's happening to them. I can't catch a break. Not everything's gonna work my way. The boss is out to get me. The neighbor hates them, Their friends aren't calling them back. But you're someone who's like, really pos. And you're always looking at opportunities and you're looking at, you know, the positive side of things. And granted, we can all go different ways. Sometimes I'm a victim. Sometimes I'm, you know, not. Although I'm not often a victim. That actually is one that does trigger me. But, you know, sometimes I'm a little bit more negative. But overall, your philosophies in life, how you see the world, Is the world out to get you? Is the world on your side? That really says a lot about your compatibility too. Like, if you're constantly feel like you're fighting their mindset about their genuine. Their genuine, like, belief about the world, that can also be a challenge. So take a look at those and see if any of them resonate. You don't have to enter a relationship, but you might not be as compatible. Okay. And finally, you guys, what monogamous couples can Learn from polyamorous relationships. I like this because I've often said that people I know in polyamorous relationships or open relationships, they just, you know, practice like rigorous honesty and their communication is something to be admired. I always think. And even though you might be thinking, well, I'll never be in a polyamorous relationship, I am not saying that to you in this article, but it's pointing out out some really key points that I think we can all learn from people who are in open relationships and think about how this might work in your relationship.

So, okay, the first thing is communication. Successful monogamous relationships, obviously, as we talk about, require communication about desires and needs and problems. And this like, we know can be a challenge. And polyamorous couples excel in this area. Or non monogamous couples, however you want to call it. People in consensual, non monogamous relationships communicate. To get this, you guys negotiate agreements, schedules and boundaries. Meaning, like, when you're going to be seeing other people, what's the schedule? You know, what are the boundaries for you having sex with someone else? And to work through different kinds of problems that will emerge when negotiating an open relationship, like jealousy and, you know, who's going to be the secondary partner. And you just need greater communication overall. Next thing is defining the relationship, or DTR as we call it. I think that every couple could kind of stand to define the relationship, especially if you're just dating, you know, you been a few months in. I think we could all use some good contracts. You don't actually have to write it down. But talking about, like, what does this relationship mean? Because we often make assumptions. You know, people think like, oh, we had the DTR conversation and that's just it. They decide, yes, we're committed. No, we're not. Are you sleeping with anyone else? No, I'm not either. Let's be committed. But that could mean something really different. And not just sexually, of course. It could mean, well, that means that we're not sleeping with anybody else. So really this is about what does it mean to be monogamous? Like, for some people, the thoughts of just being attracted to someone can be defined as cheating. For others, other people, anything. But intercourse is totally fine. I love talking about this. I love talking about that partner saying, what does this mean? And checking in. And this is also great, obviously to define the relationship if you are going to open it up. So you guys, the other thing about defining the relationship is you might find out, you might be like, well, I don't need anything else other than to know if my partner wants to sleep with anybody else. But even having the conversation saying, does the. Getting specific, you guys, that's what I'm talking about. People who are really great communicators in relationships get really specific. It's not enough just to say, we're not sleeping with anyone else. You might not think this is fun, but I think it could be very helpful to say, okay, so you're not sleeping with anyone else. Well, what happens if maybe you're attracted to somebody else? Or what if, you know, you meet someone at a party? Or, like, have you cheated before? Or what's your thoughts on, like, you know, would you ever be in an open relationship? Or is that something that even interests you? Like, getting really granular, like, does this mean that I'm gonna go home with you for Christmas? Or does it mean that we're gonna be sharing certain things? Like, this is what I'm saying, is that defining it and continuing to define it can be very useful. Even if you think there's no defining, more defining to do. Getting specific can help you really understand the relationship and also find out if you guys are on the same page, if you actually are compatible. The other thing is practicing safe sex. This is a big one. So there was a study that found that individuals in polyamorous relationships were more likely to practice safe sex than those who cheat in monogamous relationships. So the study showed that monogamous relationship individuals often consider monogamy a safe sex practice in and of itself. So sexually unfaithful people may reject safer sex strategies because of the presence of a stable relationship. So what I'm saying is 50% of people cheat, men and women. That's pretty much what the studies say in relationships, committed relationships. And so if that's the case and they're not, you know, practicing safe sex, that's something to think about. Yeah. Practice safe sex. Make it part of your habits. I think that our sexual health is so important, and people who are in open relationships are willing to talk about it and prioritize it. And this is the big one here, is that managing jealousy. I've talked about this before, and I find this fascinating. So people think, oh, God, the thought of opening up or swinging or being with someone else, I would cripple with jealousy. If I think about my partner with someone else, that would just. That would kill our relationship. I could never handle it. So you might think that having multiple partners would elicit even more jealousy than being in a monogamous relationship, but that is not the case. So Those who engage in polyamory and swinging score lower on jealousy and higher in trust than those in monogamous relationships. And people in monogamous committed relationships were off the charts on jealousy. So you might not realize that your jealousy is eating away with you. In fact, they found that monogamous couples avoid addressing jealousy. Right. So people who are in non monogamous relationships, they talk about jealousy all the time, and it sort of gets diffused because you have a place to go with it. You're like, faith. That kind of made me jealous. I thought I'd be okay with it, but it seems like you're really more into her than you're into me or whatever. You could just say it. And you're with someone that you trust, because if you're in an open relationship or a non monogamous relationship, you have that foundation of trust. But people who are in monogamous relationships don't have a place to address jealousy. They just kind of ignore it. They fester, and then you know how it manifests. They're like going through their partner's purse and reading their text messages and breaking into their Facebook account. So I just think that that addressing jealousy and being honest about it is huge. And that if it's something that you've been thinking about, you want to open it up, that that shouldn't be a factor for you not to try it out, because people do transcend it and it still happens, but you just learn how to deal with it, how to diffuse it. Final one is maintaining a sense of independence. What I like about this tip is because.

I appreciate that people who are in open relationships realize that they. They don't need to get all of their needs met by one person, which I think is a problem. And I'm not just talking sexual needs. I'm talking about people in monogamous relationships. It's a lot of pressure. And again, this is the way the system's set up. Like, we marry this one person and there are. They're our caretaker. There are, you know, emergency contact. They're our lover, they're our best friend. They help us figure out all of our problems, our work stuff. That is a lot. That's a lot to set anyone up for. To be like, you are my everything. And intellectually I understand that. But if you're more in an open relationship, you get a little bit more creative about getting your needs met, because maybe you're relying on friends more, you're relying on secondary partners, rather than putting all this pressure on one person, which can be really stressful. So, you know, it's like, I think that I don't know where this came down, that our partner, like, we can't ever talk to anyone else. But I know that my friends and my family and just the people in my life, my colleagues, are the people that I talk to about a lot of things. I don't bring everything to my partner, not because I'm hiding things, but just I know in my life, like, who would be good to talk about this challenge, you know? So it's really important to continue to develop those secondary relationships. You know, they don't have to be romantic, but just, I just think maintaining your independence when you're in a relationship is some really important work and important to think about. And like, if you kind of got in a relationship, you're like, what happened to all my friends? Or I don't talk to these people anymore. Believe me, it's a really great thing to nurture and to continue to cultivate all of your other relationships outside of a committed, monogamous relationship. Okay, guys, that's your sex of the news. We are going to give a shout out to our sponsors now. Thank you so much for supporting our sponsors. And when we come back, I'm taking your calls.

Okay, guys, I'm excited because this is a call show and I'd love you to participate in our next call shows because it's fun, you guys. I get to sit, I get to talk to you. We get to really get into things. So if you have a question you want answered on the show, text ask Emily all one word to 797979. Oh, you can also go to the website, click on the Ask Emily tab and fill out the form. And if you want to be called, you can just click on the yes, I'd like to be called box. And you can also use a fake name and always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Okay, we have Katya. She's 23, from London, and she says she's sexually and romantically blocked from trauma. Seeking advice. Hi, Katya. You came to the right place. How are you? That's a lot. So tell me what's going on. Sexually and romantically blocked. Tell me the history here.

When I was younger, I had a very long relationship with someone who I shouldn't have. I was like 13, he was much older than me. There was like a five year period where like, it was just a really bad situation. And so getting stuck into that whole sort of routine of a relationship when I got out of that. I was only single for like six months and I just had this like, void inside me, which I filled with another boyfriend, which he was great, but it didn't work out. And I had my resentment as you do. And then another six months single after like a year and a half. And I voluntarily shit relationship with this guy who was just awful. And I could never be vulnerable with, with like, especially the last one.

He.

He was really horrible.

Was he abusive emotionally or physically?

No, he was just very insecure. He didn't really know who he was as a person, let alone me knowing anything about. I mean, I knew more than he did, but I got like blinded by my feelings and all of that, so. So it just sort of made the whole thing. And then it wasn't until I came out of the relationship I was like, God, what was wrong with me?

Okay, right, so it sounds like for 10 years. So you're 23 now. So for 10 years you've been in relationships. Yeah, sexual relationships with men. And it sounds like it's just, it's consuming because especially as a 13 year old, your brain's getting wired towards this attention, intimacy and attraction to someone. And now, you know, I think it is good to take a break and maybe not, not date someone right now and get to know who you are on your own and kind of work some of these issues through.

Definitely.

I know that's easier said than done because you're. You crave that like all of your being is like probably you feel like you don't feel complete or you don't feel like you without a man in your life. How is it manifesting now? You're not dating anyone right now. Right. So I understand.

Like right now it, right now it's all right. Like, I broke up with my last ex in November. I went through my crazy phases of just like dating people, having sex with people, and then realizing it was just such an empty thing to just sleep around. And it. Well, I wasn't getting what I wanted from it. Then I found out that I'm on the like bi spectrum. And I was just like, okay, so this is actually a thing. This is not just me. Oh, maybe I like girls, maybe I don't. Like, I figured this out and I was like, okay, I want to explore this more, but let me. Like, so I tried to do that and then I was like, okay, I'm looking for something that I won't be able to find until I find it myself.

Yeah, you gotta feel it yourself.

That thing.

Yeah, yeah.

So Basically, right now I'm just. I'm just like, you know what? Let me just date myself for a while and just like, do that for a bit. And actually, I found myself feeling much better in this situation. I found that I don't need to, like.

Okay, so what I have found is that when I thought, like, I was lying on the floor one day and I looked over and I was like, it was so nice to have someone there. Nice to have this moment where I was just like, even if I did have that person there, would I be feeling what I want to be feeling? Because when I've been in that situation, I look over, I'm like, this is not what I want. So I took the time out and I'm just doing my thing now.

But that sounds really easy. Like, just. I mean, no, really, that is so. I mean, Katya, you said that so well. Like, it's so true that we think that someone else has to fill us up and give us love. This is. We're talking about self confidence, confidence, self love, and we have to give it to ourselves. And I love your example that you sat there in the moment thinking, oh, it'd be nice to have someone's arms around me right now, for example. Then you looked over and you thought, no, what would that feel like? Maybe that would even be annoying. How can I, like, love myself right now? So that's exactly what we're talking about. And so this is about, like, you know, taking time to. To pamper yourself, to take baths, to. To learn your body, what feels good to you, not through a lover's hands, but through your own hands, you know, touching yourself, masturbating, fantasy, and really seeing what turns you on. Like. Like, what's your erotic blueprints? Like, what are the things that really excite you and do all these things on your own?

That's the thing. I found that that's been a really hard thing to figure out myself because I realized I was like, well, I can't expect anyone to know what I want if I don't know what I want myself. And then when I, like, I thought I listened to your show and I was like, okay, I need to, like, learn to respond to my own touch. And then I realized that. That I don't even know what I like. Yeah, I. I'm doing this with myself and I'm like, I don't understand why I'm not feeling anything. And I think that's also been my mindset.

Yeah, it's your mindset, right?

Yeah. And it's been crazy hard to like, figure out what, like, just to empty my mind and just like, focus on what's happening. And I get so caught up up there.

Right.

And like moving back home as well. Like, the whole, like, this year's been crazy as well. Like, I. I left my student house because of, like, massive drama. And those housemates are really horrible to me. You know, I came home in tears. I ended up having to pack up everything, so I'm back home.

Okay, so you're living with your parents, so there's not a lot of. Is that what you're saying? Like, finding space?

I live at my aunt. I love my aunt and uncle.

Okay.

And so, like, the whole family dynamic is pretty crazy. But I'm here with them and so is my sister. But my sister's had like the double room. Like, we share it, but I'm in the spare room while she's here. And then she's gonna go to uni. And so when she does go, I have like a week to set myself up before my term starts. So it's like there's just all these changes that happen, like in very short spaces of time.

That sounds like it. So I would take the pressure off yourself too. I mean, if you don't have that space right now, that's okay. Really. You seem very self aware and you have a lot of emotional intelligence. And I'm really impressed by it at your age, 23, like, the way you're talking about it. So I think you're fine. There's nothing wrong with you here. And so I think when you're saying it doesn't quite feel good, I get it. Like, it's not natural. Like, I didn't start masturbating until I was your age either. I was like, this does not feel good. I don't get it. You know, so it's really figuring it out. It's kind of exciting in a way. It's like you're learning a new subject and that subject is you and your body. So I don't know, like, maybe you don't even know yet, but it could be watching porn, it could be reading erotica. Like, for a lot of women, it's like 50 shades of gray was huge. It wasn't because it was like great literature. Right. It was because reading those words, reading erotica scenarios can turn women on. So I think finding what gets you in that place and then when your mind starts to wandering, like just getting into the practice of coming back to the moment, like coming back to your breath and to the touch. Like, it could be like, how does my, you know, hands feel between my legs right now? And then you're thinking, like, what if my sister walks in? And then you go back to your hands. Like, you have to do it, like, 15 times. But when you keep a hundred times, sometimes to be mindful and to be present, and that's what we're talking about. Like, when our mind takes over, we're in charge of that. But it's hard to remember. So it's like going back to that. Doing things that make you feel good, like lighting candles, listening to music. It all sounds really silly and cliche, but it totally works.

Because, you see, I really want to do that. I can't wait till I can actually do that, because I really want to just set up the room and put on some music and light some candles and set, like, a whole scene. And I can't do that. And I feel like the more that I want it, the more. The more that it frustrates me that I can't do it.

Well, what if you do? I totally understand, too, and it sounds like you have some anxiety right now and that you don't. Can't really relax. You've had a lot of change. So you could even put it on the back burner for a month or until she leaves. But I would also say there's no such thing as a perfect setup. If you light a candle, one candle. That's enough. Or just play your favorite soundtrack. You know what I'm saying? Like, you don't need to do it all. Like, you could just say, this one thing's going to signify that I'm going to macerate for 20 minutes. I'm going to light my favorite candle that. That I've been saving for someone else coming over. You're gonna use it on yourself. Like, I'm gonna enjoy these things. Or use your favorite body lotion or whatever it is that gets you there. It's like, one thing, but I feel like, you know, so just. And once you start to do it, you'll realize that, like, you could even say, I'm gonna do it every day for 10 minutes for the next 30 days. Like, 10 minutes, even if you don't get anywhere. So then it becomes part of your muscle memory, part of your routine, and then you'll build up to it. But don't be hard on yourself. Please. Take it easy. Take some time, and you'll get through this. There's nothing wrong with the situation. I get that there's some chaos now, but you'll learn how to build your home and find a space for you that's comfortable wherever you're at.

But you know, okay, in due time.

Yeah, totally. But I liked all the consciousness you have around it. So just take some time and figure out if it's 10 minutes. Okay. 10 minutes a day. Okay. Five tips.

I do have a quick request.

Sure.

So I've been like. I've been doing research and stuff and I've like, I'm really into yoga and all the mindful stuff and I am looking at all the sexual healing stuff to deal with like the past and everything I've come across. Tantra, like tantra yoga, like the tantra sex and stuff. I don't know because I've. I haven't been able to keep up with your show as much recently as I have done. But I don't know if you've done a podcast or maybe it's something that you might be interested in doing one on.

Yeah, no, we talked about tantric sex and tantric yoga and breathing. Dolly talked about. She's called the Pleasure Muse. She was probably on about a little bit over a year ago. She talks about that and then the episodes with John Weinland might talk about that. Tantra can be a great resource. So Urban Tantra, I think that's the name of the book. It's a great book and I feel like, yeah, breathing and being mindful and being present, that's what tantric sex is, is. And you can do it with yourself. And it's about like breathing into your body and really just like staying. It's really about breath and focus on yourself. So it's mindful. It's like mindful sex. So we've talked about it on the show for sure. But I think the more you can do practices like I used to always buy these self help books and then I wouldn't do the exercises because my brain just wanted the knowledge. Right. And they always have like 10 minutes at the end. That's what I'm gonna tell you to do. Do the homework. Cause you probably know a lot about it or buy a good book on it or take a course on it, you know, online. But I really think it's a great. I think that'd be great for you because it'll help with everything.

Yeah, definitely gonna look more into that because it really, really fascinates me. I'm really into it.

Good. Keep doing it and let me know how it goes. I really, I think that's great. All the self care. I love It. Okay. Bye, Katya. Have a good day.

Bye.

Thanks for calling. Bye. We all just need to take some deep breaths.

I probably. We. All right now I want to take a deep breath with you all. Okay.

Does that feel better? Did you all just follow along with me? Because I think a lot of us run around. We're stressed out, we're really busy. We just were in our heads. And there's so much to be said for dropping in and giving ourselves time to really, like, heal ourselves through breath, through our own touch. And I'm way into tantra, and I'm way into people being present and meditating and figuring out your own stuff. So I'm glad that she reminded me of that. Okay, we have Michael. He's 24, from Chicago, and he wants to find women that value him and end the cycle of dating. Dating women that just want casual sex. Hey, Michael.

Hi, Emily. How you doing?

I'm good. Okay, tell me what's going on. Give me some history here, please.

Yeah, so I'm gonna kind of try to, you know, break it down kind of. My biggest problem is I totally get it from, like, where girls are coming from. But, like, with me, it's like, I had a kind of an accident with my first girlfriend when I was very young, what, 15? Basically, it damaged most of the nerves on my penis. So I don't feel a lot.

When I have intercourse or any kind of sexual interaction, really. So it's still enjoyable to me, obviously. I still have, like, a high sex drive. But basically what I'm trying to get to is it. It takes me two hours to even get off if it ever happens.

Okay. Even when you're masturbating?

I would say when I'm masturbating, it's probably more like 45 minutes to an hour. But that's, like, really, like, concentrated with my headphones on that whole deal. And, yeah, it just leads to, like. Girls will enjoy it. They'll have a great time. And I'm like, okay, well, maybe this one, like, right. You know, I'm trying to, like, be open and be like. Like, you know, this is not you. This is a problem I have. And I'm enjoying myself. But it always just kind of ends in the same, like. Oh, you know, I just think you. You know, I get three answers. I get. I think you might be gay. I don't think you're into the relationship, or. I just can't be with someone who takes that long. And it gets emotionally difficult. You know, I first brought into you.

In a very Upset, you know, state. Because I really. Actually, I think you're the first, you know, relationship advice or sex advice that even. I've been to counselors that even like, acknowledge that getting off could be a problem for men, especially young men.

Absolutely.

And. And so I. I really appreciated hearing that. So I listened religiously to you for a long time and everything. And it gets difficult because, you know, you find a new relationship and I love having sex, so I don't want to just stop.

Right. Okay. I know. I get it. No, thank you. Okay, so it sounds like it's been tough, so I'm really glad you called. I want to help you here. So what was the actual thing that happened, I'm curious, with the girlfriend when you were 15?

Yeah, she was a little bit older and she was a little bit experienced, but I guess. Guess not too experienced. Essentially what happened is we didn't use any lube and she did this kind of like twisting, kind of like. Best way I can describe it, like, I describe doctors as like an Indian torture thing, you know, you're doing great.

Like an Indian burn. Yeah. What they call it.

Yeah.

And it was.

Yeah, it was like. I don't know what it was. Probably she was attempting to do something she read or something like that.

Right. Like she. Probably something porn or something. Okay.

It basically tore the. Like, I'm. I'm cut and so it like basically tore the. The stitching or whatever, and it was very bloody. And I'm from a very religious background, so I didn't. I definitely did not go to my parents because they didn't know I was sexually active. So basically it like healed by itself with us making like a Walgreen bandage.

Right.

And so it's kind of jacked up and the doctor is kind of surprised that it even healed as well as it did, but it's definitely a little bit.

Wow.

Have you talked to doctors about it? Can they. Have they tried to work with you on it? Have you seen. Have you talked to your. Sounds like you have talked to your doctor about it. Like, if there's anything they could. They could do.

Well, actually, it kind of like a rehabilitation, you know?

Yeah, I know. Yeah. I had a doctor really great who introduced me to flesh flights. It was kind of an awkward conversation, but he was just basically use a toy because it's going to be kinder. He had basically no medical solution, essentially.

Okay. I'm just wondering.

He did say masturbate less to increase sensitivity, but I tried that for a while and it just made me more angry. More horny and. And it didn't change the length of time at all.

Right. I mean, you could also have, you know, delayed ejaculation, which takes longer for some guy, you know, if it takes 30 minutes or more for some men to ejaculate. When you're with women, are you like leading with it? Like, this is a problem, or do you tell? Because I feel like it's the way you present. Probably just to say, like, I've got this thing, you know, I love having sex, I love being with you, but I don't have as much sensitivity and just like being there for them sexually. And you tell them that going in.

Yeah, I do. I. Well, I like. I like when the girls having a good time. I like to interact and be open and everything like that. I think that's important. So I kind of do leave with it, especially recently because it becomes kind of. I think what I also agreed with on your show that you say a lot is like, women are often taught to be the pleasers of men. So I think it. It kind of like makes them feel. They're kind of like just surprised, I think. It's not like they're. I don't know, like, I. I often will get women being like, does that not feel good or just right. You know, and they're focused on me, you know, because, you know, women are great and they.

Yeah, you know. No, that's a world pleasers. It's true. And you're 24 years old. You're probably dating women your age. Like what? Like, I'm telling women all the time. Even though. Even if they listen, they still don't quite believe me. They're like, what? A guy just wants to please me and I can't, you know, and so, yeah, I understand that you're probably teaching them that. So have you been to see like a neurologist? Have you been to see another doctor besides your primary care doctor?

It's hard just because my insurance is. Is not that great. It's. I have it, but it's not that great. So I've been told I should go to. Yeah. Urologist and a sex therapist. I. It also doesn't. The only thing I hesitate is that it doesn't hurt to do anything else. And, and it doesn't necessarily hurt. It will hurt sometimes, but the majority of the time it just. It feels either good or feels like nothing, you know?

Okay. Yeah. I think working with this. I know. You know, I know that insurance sucks. It's hard everywhere. Like, I understand that too, because There it would just be, you know, if you have a copay and there's someone in your network to go see somebody. It's just good to get another opinion, to talk to another doctor. But I. So that's one thing. I would just stay on this because maybe there's some kind of, like, lasers, something they could do, like a laser treatment, or there's something they could do to kind of help with the nerves. I'm not sure because I'm not as familiar with this. So that's one thing. Like, our mental health and our physical health are so important. Like, without that, we have nothing. And I've been your age when I'm like, the one thing that's gonna go is health insurance. Like, I'd much rather go out drinking, or I'd much rather. You know. But it's like, we need our health health insurance, and there's ways to work it and to get recommendations. That's one thing. But the other thing is, with women, I think it's really just continuing just to be super honest with them and let them know, like, before you're having sex and that it's all about them. And, like, even being more, like, dominant, be like, no, like, I'm gonna please you. You know, I'm gonna do it. And, like, let them feel comfortable with you. Because I have to say that a lot of women in the early 20s, they just haven't had the experience that they're not smart and that they don't believe you. But it truly is. And I hope this changes and maybe you're part of that change. For real, Michael, that. That women and men understand that, like, especially women, that they don't have to lead. It's not about them, you know, pleasing men first. So I feel like, you know, that you're gonna find that person that's gonna get you and that's gonna be able to. You're gonna have a healthy sex life. It's all gonna happen. So I think it's really communicating without apologizing and, you know, and just being yourself and being confident about it, like, this is my situation. And then continue to see what you can do about learning how to play with yourself. So whether it is with a flashlight or when you masturbate, kind of mixing things up, using your hands in different ways, using different kinds of lubes, maybe using a vibrator, getting, like, the Verge or The Verge by W.E. vibe is a great toy. Or playing with different cock rings that vibrate. Just different sensations to kind of get that the prostate have you Ever played with your prostate at all?

I've had girlfriends. I'm not opposed. I've had girlfriends trying out that. I haven't really gone there. I guess I'm a little bit of a prudish male when it comes to that. But I'd be. I'd be open to that.

I think so. Because there's so much pleasure. You realize, too, I think that'd be so great for you because if you use your. When you're masturbating, like without the woman, but, like, just try with the finger, use some lube. We've got some great stuff on our website about this. I get blogs about it. There's, you know, prostate play. You could get an Inaros toy. You can just use your fingers. And I'd say start to practice because you can have orgasms that are so intense that that could just help you with a lot of this if you kind of incorporate that, like. And the world is changing. Now, I know that you said you're kind of like this. What'd you say? Like this conservative man. And I get it. But I do believe the times are changing and that, like, why not? Especially in with your situation, you could have these kind of orgasms that would blow your mind, that could change your whole sexual experience. And I think that when you have confidence in that on your own, you'll just bring into the relationship and you're going to find a woman who can meet you at your level of understanding around sex and your body. And so people might not meet you there, and those aren't the women for you, but you will find one woman with a big heart and compassion and who's ready for the. Ready to be with you in that way, you know? So I just think that it's a matter of you being more comfortable and having solutions and knowing how to please yourself and your partners.

That all sounds great.

Okay, good. Keep searching, Michael. Keep playing with yourself. Keep figuring this out.

All right, thanks.

Yeah, you're on top of this. You got this. Bye, Michael. Thanks for calling. Have a good day. That call should be a great reminder to everybody that we all need to use lube every single time we have sex. A few drops of lube. But also, you guys, that we've taken responsibility for our own orgasms and our own pleasure. And I know, I often talk to women about that. Like, your orgasm is about. You figure out what you like. But you guys, same goes for men. There's always rooms for growth and for learning. Because, I don't know, I think you guys are Listening, because you want to have healthy sex and even better sex and healthy relationships. And so it's. It doesn't stop with how you're having sex now. There's always room for growth. There's always room for exploring. We have so many rod and stones, you guys. So make it like your. Your job to figure out what else feels good to you in all the ways you can be stimulated. I love a man who's open to some backdoor play. Women, too. Nothing wrong with it. Just use lots of lube, breathe, and go slow. Okay. Sarah, 26, in San Diego, and she wants to know, can vulva sensitivity change over time? She wants to orgasm with her hands, but can do it with a magic wand. Hey, Sarah.

Hey. How are you?

I'm good. How are you?

Very good. Happy to be on the show.

I'm so glad you're here with me. So tell me what's going on.

Okay. I had always been able to orgasm with my fingers growing up and then discovered the magic wand and manage it. Magic.

Yes, it is.

It was pretty much. Much the only thing that could actually get me to come when I was really severely depressed. And so now I feel like I've kind of relied a little bit too much on it.

Okay.

And I feel like I've noticed some decrease in sensitivity where, you know, I used to be able to use a vibrator. I'm definitely a vibration queen. I absolutely love it. And I've used a vibrator, and then, you know, it doesn't quite happen as quickly or. Or, you know, I can't just use the lowest setting. And I was just sort of wondering if this is normal, if there's a way to reverse it. Have I damaged my.

No. I know people always ask me that. They're like, oh, don't they damage you? No. I mean, the thing is our bodies get used to certain kind of things, right? Like that's. You're going to get used to the feeling of the vibrator at that setting so there's no damage going on. But you just have to learn another way to please yourself. It's not that you have to retire the magic wand. It just means that you could let, like, try to. Yeah, no, I get it. Like, I totally get it. And I think that trying it other vibrators at different settings, just trying a different kind of vibration, like trying another toy. Like if you've never tried a we Vibe or if you've never tried the Queen Bee by Hot Octopus is another one. I like all these toys have different so the magic wand feels different than a WE Vibe toy or the hot octopus toy. All the vibrations feel different. And once you kind of realize it, like, yeah, you might not orgasm right away. Maybe you'll take a bit. Little bit longer. But when you, like, tease yourself with it also, it's like switching up the ways that you touch yourself. So if you just, like, put the magic wand and you're like. And it comes out, like the minute orgasm. Or the womanizer. The womanizer is amazing, too, because the womanizer I would actually recommend for you, because the womanizer, it indirectly stimulates your clitoris, and it's a different kind of sensation. And it, like, sucks on your clitoris, kind of like. Like a light kissing, sucking, kind of like oral sex. And so I feel like you might not even be kind of getting into those nerve endings because there's 8,000 nerve endings on the clitoris. I just think that you've gotten used to this way of doing it. But I think if you learn to stimulate, like, the labia, because there's clitoral legs that go down beneath the labia, like, there's all these parts of your vagina beyond the clitoris, beyond just the little nub that can feel really good. So I think, like, either using it over your pants, using the magic wand over your pants, or just trying some new toys, trying different ways of touching yourself will absolutely help you exactly. Like, different vibrations, different things. Like using a piece of fabric over it so it's not directly touching you. Using lube, using different. Maybe you can like, lie on your stomach and masturbate that way. Like playing with that. Just like, when you've worked out, like, if you did the same workout every day, your body would stop changing, right? You'd stop building muscle or whatever your goal was. And the same thing goes true for masturbation. So. So I would just kind of say play with some things and think of it as fun, because there's no problem. I'm just telling you to, like, play with some new toys. Masturbate without the goal of orgasm as you know it. Like, it has to happen in this same time period in the same position. Okay. Yeah. So just kind of.

That's an interesting way to do it.

Okay, I like that. Yeah, exactly. Just without the goal of it. And just like, oh, does this feel good in my nipples? Does it feel good on my inner thigh? Like teasing yourself and turning yourself on in different ways? Because I've been where you at. I've been where you are, too. And I realize now that I Because it's made me think about it that I have so many toys now that I know now I can think, oh, I want to have that feeling I get from this toy, or I want to try out this we vibe, or I want to insert a toy and use my finger. You know what I'm saying? So this just. I think you just got to play with it, but there's nothing wrong with you at all.

Awesome. Well, thank you so much. And do you recommend if you ever feel like, a decrease in sensation, like, take a week off or something or.

I wouldn't be that. I would say switch it up and maybe try to. Yeah, try to maybe start with your fingers and then end with a toy. But if you're. Wait, but if you're in pain right now and you're, like, not feeling it, then I could say, yeah, take a few days off. But I know that nothing's right. You're gonna see that I'm right. Like, I'm very confident about this, that if you just kind of mix up your patterns and, like, maybe watch some porn or do it in the bathroom inside of your bedroom, like, just changing one of these things is gonna make a huge difference. Cause you're also in your head about it, too. So I'm just telling you that this isn't. It's not true. It's how you feel, but it's not necessarily the facts, because you didn't damage anything. So I've been there. Just play with some toys. You're so welcome, Sarah. You got nothing wrong with you here. Have a great night.

Thank you.

Go buy yourself some fun toys. Okay, bye. Thanks. Okay, you guys, I like this question, because I do hear this. People like, oh, I don't know why to use a toy. I'm gonna get too sensitive or it's gonna hurt me. Like, you're not gonna. No one's ever damaged their vagina, their vulva from a vibrator. That's not gonna happen. But what happens is we get set in our ways. We think we have to only masturbate a certain way. We can only come a certain way or in a certain sex position. And I'm saying this is part of the fun of masturbation. Is that work you get to do on your own when you're masturbating, playing with yourself, and just seeing that you have so many delicious nerve endings. 8,000. The clitoris, so many in our inner thighs, our inner arms, our forearms that you can just play with in your masturbating. So you can. You can Find out all the different ways you can please yourself. Part of the fun. Okay, we have Dottie, 31, from New Jersey, and she's seeking advice about golden showers and threesomes. Dottie, you're a good time. Tell me everything. Hi. Hey, Emily.

How are you?

I'm good. How are you?

Good. Hey, I'm basically. My boyfriend and I, we have a really good, adventurous and open sex life and always trying new stuff. And I asked him, you know, a little bit ago what he'd like to try, and he brought up a golden shower. And I'm not against it. I just have no idea where to begin. And I was just hoping you could help us out.

Absolutely. I mean, so there's some basic tips for golden showers, and I understand no. Golden showers is where someone urinates on their partner. So for people who aren't sure, like, it could be. You guys could take turns peeing on each other. So I guess you're not going to know until you try it. But there are a few things would be to make sure that you. It's better to do at the end of the day, once your bladder is empty, to drink a lot of water. It's good to avoid garlic or coffee or, like, vitamins and asparagus to make sure that you're, you know, feeling good about your urine. But really also you want to make sure you're in an environment that's easy to clean off. Right. So I would say in the shower and the bathroom floor, I would say just practice there, and maybe you just. In the shower. Be a great way to start. Maybe he does it to you and you do it to him, and then you see how it goes. Maybe start fooling around, some foreplay, making out in the shower. I think that's the safest way because then you're not peeing on your bed, which you could do that, but just a lot more cleanup.

Yes, exactly. Perfect. Well, that's a great place to start. I also had a question about threesomes. Like, I'm open to threesome. We talk about it a lot. We've kind of set out, like, the rules in terms of, like, what a threesome would look like. But how do we go about, like, finding somebody that's like, for lack of a better term, a. A safe option, like somebody that's not going to threaten the relationship. And I know that that's. You can't rule out everything, but where do we begin with that?

Exactly. So, okay, so you're in New Jersey. So the good news is there's a Few sites right now that are great. So a lot of people are using Field F E E L D. And then there's also FetLife F E T L I F E. Those are apps. They're probably websites so you can figure out you can find people in your area. And also there might be lifestyle parties. They call them like swingers and people seeking threesomes and all that in your area. So there could be like a sex toy shop you could call like if there's a cool sex toy store near you that kind of has, you know, body safe products and like this kind of stuff we talk about. They sell like we vibes and stuff like that. That would be a good place. They have message boards or they might have like, you know, events on the weekends where you could, you could find people. And there's also a blog on our website called where to find lifestyle parties. So I'm gonna send you there. Start with those apps and you don't know. My recommendation would be if you guys match with someone on these apps, meet them for coffee first. I would say like, or meet him for a drink first. And you could say, let's see how it goes. We want to continue it. Or you could FaceTime. But I would say that just get a good vibe for them. Feel it out. Because you're right, there's no guarantees, but you definitely want to make sure it's someone that you both feel good about, that you're both attracted to. And you don't want to just invite that person over without maybe having talked to them first. Perfect.

Awesome. Well, thank you so much for your help.

Yes, you're so welcome. Let me know how it goes. Thanks, Dottie. Have a good night. I feel like I'm getting more and more calls now from couples who are like, open to it. They're like, we've already set the boundaries. We already know the rules. Which is great, you guys, because just in case you haven't heard this before, it is important to like, is who's the third going to be? Can they sleep over? Is there penetration allowed? Are you allowed to kiss them? Is it someone you know? Someone you don't know? Is it a man? A woman? These are all really important boundaries and conversations. Boundaries to set and conversations to have with your partner ahead of time. Time. But I love that people are calling. They're like, we want to know where to find it. So yeah, everyone, you guys check out that blog. And if you're thinking of a third, you know, make sure you go through these certain steps and let me know how your threesome goes. Can't wait to hear all the details. Okay guys, thanks for listening to the show. Those were some fun calls. I hope you're on my next call show. And thanks to everyone for listening. And thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me Feedback at sex with emily.com.

There's one overlooked mineral behind better sleep sharper focus, stronger muscles and a healthier heart. And at least half of us aren't getting enough. Most people don't realize they're running low on one of the most vital minerals for human magnesium. And here's the thing, no single form of magnesium can deliver all of its benefits. Benefits. That's exactly why Qualia Magnesium plus was created with 10 highly bioavailable forms of magnesium plus over 70 essential minerals. It provides total magnesium support, helping you sleep better, think clearer, move stronger and feel your best every day. And honestly, when you're less stressed and more energized, your intimacy and desire naturally benefit too. Sure, magnesium can help you sleep, but Qualia Magnesium plus goes beyond that. It's a horrible whole body nourishment for how you think, move, connect and feel. More than just a sleep supplement, it's a foundation for daily well being which absolutely supports a healthier sex life. Getting enough magnesium from food alone is harder than ever due to depleted soils and chronic stress and our body's reduced ability to absorb it as we age well. Qualia's Magnesium plus formula is non gmo, vegan, gluten free and designed so all the ingredients work together for comprehensive of magnesium support. And personally, I've been taking Qualia Magnesium plus in the evenings and I really notice calmer nights and clear mornings and just feeling more grounded in my body which always makes intimacy feel more accessible and enjoyable. It's become such an easy part of my nightly routine. Experience the most trusted magnesium for your purity, potency and performance. Go to qualialife.com sex with Emily for 50% off. And here's a bonus use the code code Sex with Emily for an additional 15 off your order. That's Q-U-A-L-I-A life.com sex with Emily thanks for Qualia for sponsoring this episode.